Don't Blame Me! - S8E15: My Boyfriend’s Cousin is Into Me

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Overpriced bachelorette party Talkative friends Not wanting to relocate to live with boyfriend Don't Blame Them: Moving in together too soon   Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me yeah my name is zygan and i am joined by my co-host producer and the person with the best hair ever melissa d montz hello thank you for the compliment you're welcome to enjoy your hair well it's very dirty i had an ovarian cyst rupture um yesterday so i have yet to shower after the cold sweats that i endured for hours so it is um it is slicked back but anyone who's watching the video can see melissa got braids and they look they look so fucking good thank you i'll thank my stylist they look good because you also look good so it works um this is an advice podcast everybody hi hello we give life-changing wonderful amazing advice because we uh have phds

we have doctorates we are a phd is a doctor you know as i said that i was trying to like come up the third one fast because i was like well they are the same mensa scholars nobel peace prize winners what are other accolades um just all the teen choice hey let's be real time emmy which i hope to get one day oh yeah you will you will i feel that's a i feel like that's a dream board vision thing that could happen yeah um no for real we actually have no credentials what we lack in credentials we make up for in opinion yeah we do so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and the requirements for all of the

above. You keep it under three minutes. You will be cut off, but we ask that you write it down, practice what you are going to say. You can time it out and be like, oh, okay, perfect. This is under three minutes. And then that's what you can have like all the information in there. You let us know your age. We really don't need to know your Zodiac sign. No offense. I really don't care. I know everyone thinks I do, but like sometimes it's fun to guess, but it just got way out of hand. We want to know if it's about dating, how long have you been together? Like give us all of the details and the best way to give us all the details is to write it down i really read it this is a new detail i want to know it's going to be weird your cup size no how they smell how the

person calling smells or how the person all of it just like an age i really don't want to know that yeah don't say that no if the person doesn't smell like rihanna like i don't want to hear a description it's not like oh they smell delicious if you tell me what was that so that mean going around that like white people smell like milk here's the thing i can't i can't changed it about myself, but I will smell like milk. Thank you. I'm sure there are times where I probably have. There are like very specific white people smells like coming inside from recesses specific. And then one time I was working, I was working on set and three of the guys that worked in the crew, they were in a room. I walked in and it said, it smelled like white little boy.

And then I walked out and then someone else walked in and was like, it smells like little boys in there so i was on point there is something specific about like a group of like 30 plus men who are like working all day like with like physical stuff no they weren't even work they were part of like production shut the fuck up yeah because crew there's a specific smell of crew and i give that yeah it's like construction they're doing such hard work these were people that worked in production they were sitting on director's chairs all days and they smelled like that ew ew ew i was gonna say another one is unwashed legs because you know that's the thing that we've learned and also apparently celebrities don't bathe their kids cammy cropper is posting

it on her story and she goes this is some white people shit and i go i can't confirm cammy i was not washed frequently as a child like it is as a white person i can self-identify like yeah no it was definitely not like you're not being scrubbed head to toe with a washcloth i laughed so hard because jody turner smith posted in this house we bathe and then they've put it in all the articles celebrities they'll post her first saying that and then they'll post joshua jackson after and then it'll just say see you both oh that's so funny i love she's an icon what else do we ask oh let us know your pronouns you must be h and over have your parents permission to call into the podcast don't call in if you're like doing something like illegal right unless it's like

you're wanting to catch someone who's doing something illegal which even then i mean the vaccine cards that was fun oh yeah i mean it wasn't fun i mean yeah you know fun we got some comments we did from who they're on the reviews well yeah we hope to hear from you and um what i mean if you didn't know we have a patreon by the way if you want to watch this episode if you're more of a visual listener. If you're more, if you're into the visual content, you can see our facial reactions. It's a good time. What's new with you? Speaking of faces, the face in front of me. I don't think I said it on the podcast, but I recently directed Amanda Gorman's audio book that she, it's a children's book that's coming out. So I got to work with her last Friday and

she's very sweet. It's insane. You could make a collage of all of the people you've like worked within the last like year year is it just one year yeah because i started in like when the pandemic hit so a year and a half you could if you could make a collage and it would look like a people max i know like it's like really impressive and really cool yeah yeah it's been cool yeah i'm excited when do we know when it comes out go to amazon it'll say no but that's exciting and you're moving oh yeah i'm moving next time we record i will have been it'll be the day after yeah i'll still be here though because oh yeah well because we're going out of town for my birthday next weekend and then you move i'm so excited to be out of town everyone's

vaxxed everyone's getting tests before we go i've literally not left los angeles since 2020 since february 2020 oh my god well yeah because you left right before everything hit and you were like shit's going down and i was like man it's more fun it was me and becca martinez being like I think we're solid. I saw this week because we had her on Not Too Deep. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. But I can't wait.

I cannot fucking wait. Me too. So, yeah, I'm trying to think of what's new with me. Nothing aside from having an ovarian cyst rupture yesterday, which was a great time. Sarcasm. Excited to, like, live my actual birthday is going to be this upcoming. I need to, like, order some, like, cute shit to, like, put in the house just to, like, make it feel like my birthday. I don't know.

I'm excited, though. and i'm like also excited to like gonna get my car washed we're gonna drive my car down and like probably not the whole like not like the actual whole drive but like when we're in palm springs have like take the top down off of it so we can like we're going to get into our update and our update is i mean she explains she explains it all much like clarissa did you watch that no i was gonna say were you even born i don't think so but i know the show lily talks all the time uh it's melissa joe hart okay and it's basically her like in imagine sabrina the teenage witch but just like a little younger okay and she doesn't have powers but then like she'll turn to the camera and then

explain things so it's basically just her junior high so so just breaking the fourth wall yeah sick i'd be down yeah that's a great show i watched it when the pandemic hit i sat down and watched it because it was all on youtube i think i tried to do that with boy meets world and then there is something just really hard because they're on tv there's something really hard about watching something in like that was filmed on a potato on like a 4k television it's it's pretty difficult i watched it on my computer i think i could handle it on my computer a little bit more i actually hate watching things on my computer but i just did it love to see it should we get into the calls hi megan and melissa i'm 29 and attending my first bachelorette weekend

because of the pandemic we will not be traveling out of the country of course but instead renting a house for a weekend with a pool aside from myself pretty much everyone in the group is some sort of medical professional they're a nurse practitioner doctors physical therapists psychiatrists, and so on. With that said, we are, number one, of course, all vaccinated, but number two, they make significantly more money than I do. I thought I was preparing for this, knowing the group, by setting aside a hundred, I'm sorry, a thousand dollars for the three-day weekend, but I've already spent over 500, and there are still three weeks left to go until the trip is planned. So the Bright Sister is organizing everything, and she keeps booking really

elaborate force group activities like spa and massage professionals, coming to the house, a private chef to cook four-course meals, and everyone has to pay $75 to over $100 a plate, matching pajamas and outfits, and so on. After two weeks of these incoming bills for the group, I was thinking maybe we were all set, but just now the sister texted the group again asking if we would be okay to pitch and pick up all of the bride's costs. So the thing is that the bride is a doctor and in residency and makes more money than I do and comes from an incredibly wealthy family.

So I just don't see how that's fair or why that's even something that's on the table right now. I've been trying to opt out of things like the really expensive massages where I can, but I'm also afraid that I'm going to be left out of a lot of the things that everyone else is doing. I'm just not sure why they weren't, number one, upfront about the cost so that we can make a decision if, you know, we even wanted to go, knowing what it would be. And then, number two, why they aren't being considerate and giving options on things such as meals where people can save, you know, a lot more. So the person I'm closest with that's also billing is in grad school, and privately she's expressed that she's not interested in spending $1,000 on a three-day weekend.

but I have no idea how the rest of the group feels. What should I do? I don't want to be the annoying broke friend in the group or feel left out while everyone else is getting massages and things while I'm not. I've been saving for a travel fund for over the last year, so when the world opens back up, I was planning on using it.

I can technically afford to keep spending, but this isn't the plan that I had or what I want to do with that money. We really appreciate your guys' input and what you would do in this situation. This is three days. but i mean they've got a private chef they're getting matching pajamas and things like that stuff adds up no i know but like i'm hoping the five hundred dollars is like including

where you're staying oh yeah do you know what i mean because like i don't know i mean like this isn't a bachelor like my birthday we're doing going to ponsering for my birthday next weekend and i have two friends who one i separately like reached out to before where i was like, you just moved, you're spending a fuck ton of money. You have like three weddings in that month. I was like, I'm really want you to come. I don't want, like, do you want to come? Like, if you can't like cover the costs, like, I just like want to know, I don't want to put you on a group chat and like make you feel like, but then they were like, Oh my God, no, like you're good. Yeah. I don't think I'm gonna be able to cover it. Like we'll do something in a different time.

And I was like, perfect. And then I had another friend who I did was on the group chat and was like, Hey, I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. And I was like, okay, cool. That's fine. But like, I didn't call all the shots. I was like, here's all the options that we could do here. This is how much this would cost. Like, I want to get everybody's input for that. But this feels like so like wildly, wildly expensive. I don't know.

I think like trying to like swallow your like potential embarrassment of feeling like I don't want to be the nagging one. That is such a fleeting feeling versus thousands of dollars in your bank account. Yeah, I think you and the other girl that's in grad school, I think you should just say, hey guys I'm at my cap now for my budget so I can't spend anything else and then that other girl could chime in be like hey I'm in the same situation because I think there's probably other people that feel the same way too but they don't feel empowered to speak up yeah I think do that say that on the group chat or the email with everybody and then also reach out to like the

maid of honor it sounds like bride sister or something and say that specifically and then in that be like with the other girl be like we obviously like love her and if we had known that we were trying to cover her costs I've already reached my cap of what I'm at like I wouldn't be able to contribute to help cover her cost I'm sorry but blah blah blah so I think like having I do agree that it is not being considerate and it's the cost up front and all of that kind of stuff like I think it's much more considerate to like let people know ahead of time how much things are going to cost versus like make people yeah feel like they have to opt out as opposed to opt in you know like I think having like here's a thing that we're going to do in an option it's

an available it's available versus feeling like everybody's doing this one thing and I'm not but I think it's good that you have the one other girl there who's like in a very similar boat to you that you guys can like hang out do your stuff I also feel like the stuff for the bride should have been thought of at the very beginning that's yeah that makes sense to me like you can't make everything can't be as equally as important especially when like you're working on a budget also she said like the family comes from money and if this is a sister that's planning it why didn't she just get her family to pay for it you can't like plan this extravagant lavish expensive kind of thing and like if you have family money you have all of that like do that and like treat

everybody to it and like you treat your sister like you can't be like the rich girl syndrome who's i mean it is pretty it is it's like that's how you stay rich thinking about but you're also you're not thinking about other people because money's like you have disposable money yeah you're not thinking about other people's bank accounts yeah i think you saying that you like set aside a thousand dollars for a weekend is like more than enough like and you shouldn't feel guilty in like having to dip into like not wanting to dip into like your personal travel budget and all that because like this isn't like the trip you would plan this is like no offense like bachelor at parties or like weddings or anything but like you are basically like you're doing the bride a

solid like that's like a you're doing you're paying money for them you wouldn't be doing this experience if it wasn't for them yeah so i think that like it sucks that you can't really go back in time or like make them be considerate or like think of ahead on all of that give a budget before you start booking things yeah i just think that this is like for the next bachelorette party you get invited to upfront, just be like, Hey, yeah, I am really interested in going. I would love to get like an estimated budget or like what the plan is ahead of time. So I can make sure that I can commit to it. I don't want to have to pull out if it's too expensive. And I want to make sure that like, I can allocate the right budget and like spend accordingly for the things that I

really want to do. Because yeah, you should be able to like pick and choose like, like would like a spa day be really important to you? Is that something that you would want to spend your money on and like if things keep coming up then you've already put money towards things that like you might not want to do as much as the other stuff yeah but yeah 75 to 100 dollars a plate with a private chat i can't but yeah banded together with the grad student and um even if it's like awkward the day of make sure that like that's who you're rooming with and like you guys can just kind of like together be like yeah i mean she's closest with her anyway so it seems like they probably are already roommates.

Yeah. Oh, well, best of luck. I hope it goes well. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm 24 and I go by she, her, and I'm going to mainly be talking about my roommate. She's 23 and goes by she, her. For the sake of the story, I'll call her A.

I will also include my other roommate. He's 24 and goes by he, him. I'll call him R. For context, we all just moved in together a couple of months ago. I've lived with A before during my last year of college. We didn't know each other when we first moved in, but as the year progressed, we became best friends.

She's a couple of years behind me, though. So once I moved out, she still had a couple years of school left. R is a childhood family friend I grew up with. There were small areas of childhood where we were close, but we didn't become as close as we are now until we both became neighbors after graduating college. Long story short, I moved in with my college best friend and my childhood friend turned best friend. Another thing to note is our work schedules are all different. I usually have to be up the earliest, but occasionally R has to be up early as well. Okay, so here's the problem I'm experiencing. A likes to talk, like talk forever

without taking a breath. Sometimes I don't mind it, but a lot of times she includes details in the story that simply do not matter and just adds to the length of time to get the whole story out. R and I have talked about it truly not in any sort of personal way towards her,

just thinking of like, oh, I didn't get to bed until 1 a.m. last night because A was telling me a two-hour long story. It's worth noting A and R are both diagnosed with ADHD. A is medicated. R only takes meds when he feels like it. It's gotten to a point where I've started to just stay in my room after a certain time

before A gets home from work so I don't get stuck in the story and end up getting to bed too late. But it sucks because sometimes I want to chat just not for two hours. R and I have both made subtle comments during conversations like, I really need to go to bed, or can you make this part of the story quick? And she doesn't seem to read those cues. Another issue we've been experiencing is that these conversations are pretty one-sided.

For example, I could go, ugh, today was such a bad day, and A would go, ugh, same, and go on and on about her bad day and never asking about mine. Or if I bring up something about me, she'll somehow reverse it to be about her. I started noticing this before we moved in together through our text conversations, and I kind of just learned not to expect any sort of response to what I would express. I know it's not intentional at all, but it can be kind of exhausting having to listen to these detailed talk stories and not getting the same energy return. And I know it's an ADHD thing, but she's also made comments about how she used to dominate conversations, but then became self-aware. So it's not like she's not aware that it's a thing, but she's definitely not self-aware she's currently doing it.

So anyway, any advice on what to do about it? I really, really don't want to do anything or say anything that's going to come across as mean because I know none of this is intentional, but I would like to be able to have a quick chat before bed or, um, talk about my day, um, without all of this going on. So anyway, thank you. This is difficult. I understand in the ADHD way, I definitely have issues and anyone who listens to the podcast can know that like, I can like beat a dead horse in a conversation or I can like I'm not very concise in the way that I speak I'm much better like I'm much more concise in like writing and that stuff I think this is like a very extreme level and the same thing when it goes to

talking about herself and that like both of those things like you are correct they're both ADHD in order to relate to someone will like think about something that happened in their own life and like how that can kind of compare because I think that the way to go about it might be the first step is having your other roommate who also has adhd bring it up to her and like can maybe offer her like hey i know this you do this thing i do it too very much an ad thing here's something that i've like learned to kind of help with that would you feel comfortable if in conversations when you start doing this if there's something that i could say or do a signal that could like let you know that that's happening when we're dominating conversations like that it can like

make other people not feel like seen or heard or as important and it's something i've worked on in that kind of a way like a therapist to be able to help with this and also spending an hour talking to a therapist you can get like your stories out that way maybe starting a youtube channel get them out in that way but i think that like there is a combination obviously of like like a neurodivergent thing but then also you gotta work on it yeah and like it might feel awkward to say something like that but i think if you are going about it with like good intentions that awkwardness is like very fleeting and I think if someone gets upset like you can feel embarrassed and kind of like ashamed like like oh fuck like that makes me feel bad like I feel

really embarrassed that I've done that but like she's been through it before yeah like that's a fleeting feeling and clearly she's already heard that before and attempted to work on it it just hasn't been that successful but then I would also say at the end of the day like if it doesn't get better this might just be a character flaw that is aligned with her ADHD that like amplifies it or is just a fucking coincidence and it might just be like who she is and it's hard because like I've had friends like this and like I just like take a break from them or sometimes like I don't want to talk to about certain things because like then it just makes it about them or whatever but like when it's your roommate it is a lot harder I have a very like exact way of

same things and uh don't really carry on but i do i've had to deal with this or not deal with it but have had friends that are you know a little bit long-winded and i've made a joke about it and i'll be like okay before we get into this conversation first if she's not asking how you're doing that's one thing we can ask about my day and then we can go on because i know that you're gonna have things but how about you give like you know a short summary of what the topic is and a few bullet points and I've jokingly said it and it has helped in conversation yeah because it's not intentional but this is what you have to figure out this girl if it like is like you're completely self-aware of it and you just don't give a shit that's a character flaw that's not

an accident and something that just happens I say have your other roommate talk to her about it first and then I would never in any circumstance have it be like two-on-one and have you both talk to her about it like because that can feel kind of like an attack but yeah I think like even joking like if it's like you say it where it's like she's telling a story and it's like okay you've got 10 minutes before I go to bed you can like jokingly put a timer on your phone you're like 10 minutes are up and if she's like come on you're like you know okay I'll give you five minutes but I genuinely have to like you got to learn how to tell stories faster because like I need to go do this thing sometimes you just need me time too yeah it's not like an endearing kind of quality

it's not like it should and like that's the part that i'm like it's so odd because like it's something i hate about myself that i do i am envious sometimes because i'm like you have a way of expressing yourself in a verbal way but i can understand if you're giving points to the story that no one cares exactly and it's not important and that's why i wonder if this is like an adhd thing to her because like for me i don't even necessarily want to give the fucking details to the story but like if i say something and i like mess up how i'm saying it or i'm like oh i was wearing like a yellow shirt or whatever i will go five minutes ago actually it was a green shirt doesn't matter but like i have to fucking say it yeah and like i don't like that about

myself like it's annoying so like that's like i think any sort of hinting like i would have picked up on all of the hints that they've been giving so far and so part of me wonders if she thinks it's just like quirky and it's like this is not she's not aware anymore yeah she could or maybe this is an improvement of where she was oh my imagine if this is actually a massive improvement also like sometimes you'll tell stories and i'll be like i've already heard yes and it's helpful that's what i need to know yeah but yeah i i think that like at the end of the day if like he says something to her and you guys both kind of like and like you bring it up in a joking matter the next time it starts to happen if there's like no improvement from there like get a new roommate

because like this is her okay we're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back Real Canadian Superstore has everything you need this back-to-school season. Save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's Sliced Deli Meat products for always $3.75. And get Life Brand Pure Vita Shampoo or Conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready. With a whole world and more. and we are back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls hi megan and melissa so i got myself into a situation and it's completely my fault but now

i don't know what to do i'm 22 she her and me and my boyfriend who is 23 he him had dated in high school for four years we broke up for about two years and have reunited about a year ago and recently made things official his cousin we'll call jack who is 24 he him has been a friend of mine for many years and we recently have become better friends within the last year one night me and jack both wanted to go out and my other friends who normally go with us were out of town and my boyfriend isn't a huge fan of bars and didn't want to go and stayed home so just me and jack decided to go and we met up with other friends while we were there about an hour into us being out and drinking he started putting his hand on my hips and pulling me close to him which

he's never done before after the bar we stopped at his house so he could grab a charger and we ended up hanging out in his room on his bed watching netflix we didn't kiss we didn't have sex we just laid in his bed and cuddled which i hate to say this but it was kind of nice he took me home and the whole drive he had his hand on my thigh we ended up talking a lot in his truck he told me how he's always had feelings for me and wishes wishes he had gotten to me first and all this other stuff. The next morning, I messaged him asking how much he remembered from last night. He said he remembered all of

it and still feels the same way as what he described last night and about what we talked about. I explained to him that even if me and my boyfriend broke up, that they are cousins and it would be hurtful to him if anything happened between us. Since then, we've had simple, friendly conversations over text and multiple times he's asked

me if I want to hang out or come over. I've explained to him that I don't feel comfortable doing that because of my boyfriend. We have mutual friends and have hung out with our friends i still feel really bad about that night and how i disrespected my boyfriend by crossing the line with jack and we've agreed to keep it a secret between us and forget it happened but since then i can't stop thinking about how it felt when his hands were around me i try to tell myself that the only reason i feel like this is because he's giving me attention and

that he probably says this to everybody i've even tried to think of all the bad qualities about him but so far nothing's worked and i can't seem to get him off my mind i know there's no way in hell that I could ever be with him and feel okay about it. So why do I have these feelings? Why do I get jealous when he's around other girls? I love my boyfriend so, so much, and before this, everything was perfect. I could see myself marrying him, but now I find myself second-guessing everything. I hate that I'm feeling like this and that I'm keeping this from him,

and it kills me to know it'll hurt him if he ever finds out. I just want to know how to get over Jack and stop having these feelings and go back to normal with my boyfriend. I'm not good with tough love but if that's what I need bring it on okay um I know you said you're not good with tough love but if you need it bring it on here we go you need it you have to you have two options you break up with your boyfriend and you do not tell him and his cousin might tell him someone else might tell him it might come out eventually and it will not have come from you and it will hurt so fucking much but you can break up with him and never tell him to ensure that he

doesn't find like that you're not around if he ever finds out you're no more mutual friends like all of that or you have to tell him and not only that but you clearly have feelings for his cousin too you do without a doubt without a doubt so i don't even know if this is the relationship you no in any way like if you want this to continue like to be if you want to be with your boyfriend you have to completely not talk to his cousin anymore because you're still talking to him regularly and you have to come clean about what happened he can't forgive you if he doesn't know what happened and you cannot forgive yourself until he you can't forgive yourself while knowing this information that he doesn't know that's the reason why you're not over

and she can't move past it because she's still talking to him all the time and you still have the secret and you still think about it and you think it was nice and well the issue is is like you even if you stop talking to his cousin right now you share something really intimate with him and that's a secret and so there is always something tying you and him together that it's only you two who know that so when you let your boyfriend know and you tell him that takes away that power that that thing that is between the two of you like because you can't this is where the tough love comes in not that the other parts weren't tough love but like you're saying like how do i get over him and how do i get back to normal you can't get back to normal there's no

there's a new normal that you're gonna have to figure out but you can't figure that out into everything's out on the table if there's any possibility or likelihood that you could completely get over his cousin and like move on with your relationship the only way that you can do that is if your boyfriend chooses to forgive you and you both are able to choose and move past that, but you can't do that on your own. You can't. You can't because you're just going to constantly

be thinking about what if, and it's not fair to yourself and it's not fair to him. No, and then like, you're not the only person who is in that situation. So like you deciding not to tell him doesn't mean that it's not going to come out. And if you stay with him and like that fucking cousin, it's going to be like, I want to blow this up.

And it's like, I'm pissed off and I'm jealous. Now I'm going to say it. what happened happened. You can't erase it. You can't change it. It can't go away. Him not knowing it doesn't mean that it didn't happen. And if you so desperately don't want him to ever find out and you can never let him know, then you have to break up with him. Like those are the only two fucking options. And I think what you should do and the best thing to do is to be really upfront and just honest in the situation. And like, I'm super apologetic. I did this. I feel really bad about it and I kept it hidden from you and I'm really sorry and I think even after that you need to

take a step back from this relationship and not be in this because you're not emotionally in it in that way at all and like you're feeling a lot of guilt but you're like you're still feeling feelings towards him it's not just guilt that you're feeling this like sucks but you're young and this has been like a high school boyfriend and like I just it's messy it's messy but also her boyfriend like trusted both her and the cousin and they went out when he didn't want to go out he thought yeah that just i would be shitty i would be absolutely livid but you have to understand when something happens a secret is not a secret it's it's a fact of information that will eventually come out and when you are the person with the secret you have the power to decide i'm gonna

be the one who says it i'm gonna be able to like have some sort of input in how it's put out there and like how the conversation goes, I'm gonna be able to be there for it and it's not gonna be someone else saying some shit. Inevitably, it will come out and getting ahead of it is the best possible option because if you tell your boyfriend you are not telling him to hurt him,

but when his cousin eventually will tell him, he is going to tell him with the intent to hurt him. Yeah, and what does the cousin, what is he trying to get out? Let's say, let's just say that you broke up with your boyfriend and then went with the cousin. He's trying to make Christmas real fucking awkward.

yeah like he's close enough that like it seems like they're close and they're friends they're his cousins they're like actually friends what does he think is going to come out of all this yeah i mean to be fair like this is like i hate to do like ageist things in this and i don't mean this to be ageist at all but like a 24 year old dude doing this this is just messy this isn't like you're my one true love like we're gonna have to make this work like because if this was and you guys were the ones who are destined to be together it would have been done in a way that's like the least catastrophic but like or just like waiting in the wings yeah maybe you guys break up has he never seen a rom-com like this is not the one that works out this is like the beginning of the

rom-com where it's like we know that this isn't the person she's supposed to end up with it's definitely be the guy we meet 15 minutes in this is not the character you want to play in your own story and it sucks and it sucks and i definitely hear that like you are struggling yeah you you're ashamed of it and you regret it but i think for you it's understanding that like there is nothing deeper to it, then like, why do I not something about him? Why do I feel you have feelings for him? And you do and like, having feelings for one person doesn't mean you don't have feelings for another person. He's giving you attention. And like, that's great. But if you were happy in your relationship, and you were like, so in love with your boyfriend, like it wouldn't matter. And

that has nothing to do with your boyfriend. It's not that he's not enough or anything like that. It's just like, in the words of Love Island, your head is being turned. And like, you can't really go back in time and pretend that that didn't happen and i don't think you want to because like you're still hanging out with him in groups you're still texting like you guys had that the whole thing and like you just have to be upfront and honest with your boyfriend and i think from there you'll be able to see what you actually want for the outcome of the situation which i really think it should be just like being single and like taking time away and separating from this group so they can like heal their relationship between each other yeah so messy i hope that wasn't too

i feel like that wasn't too tough it was i think we could have been way fucking tougher than we have been definitely hi megan and melissa my boyfriend he his and i she her um we're both 24 and we've been dating long distance for about two years now we've been friends since high school and we started dating our senior year of college um we went to different colleges three hours apart and we visit each other frequently on the weekends but i graduated a semester before him so I moved to a new city with my best friend and I got a job and the plan was to keep doing a long distance and he would graduate and get a job in Detroit because he's in automotive industry and once my year-long lease was up I'd move in with him but the majority of relationship um we were

really strong and I really believed I was going to marry him we even looked at rings um and that was all really great up until about six months ago his first job he got he was traveling a lot and we went from seeing each other every week, a week and a half, to now every three to four weeks. He already lacks communication and intimacy skills, and the increase in distance has made these issues worse. Because of that, I started to lose confidence in our compatibility. I'd focus on the negative, and it picked at his shortcomings. It's made me second guess moving, but my lease is up in a little over a month, and I'm not sure what to do. I love him, but I also love where I am right now.

We're having these issues, and he's asking me to quit my job, leave friends, been a great city behind to move six hours away and with him where I know no one and will have to get a new job. If you're wondering why he hasn't just moved to me, he needs to be in Detroit for his job, but I'm a nurse. I can go anywhere. So I had brought up these issues with moving to him, and he just believes that moving in together would solve all these issues, or at least it was worth a shot. My doubts started right when he began traveling, so I'm not sure if being closer will solve these issues or if I've gotten clarity and we just aren't right for each other. Our main issues are the verbal communication and our libidos are not very compatible. His is a lot

lower than mine and it has led to me many times feeling rejected and insecure. So we've had multiple discussions about our issues and a part of me believes that we can make it work because he is amazing and we're compatible in so many ways. But the other half of me just wants to end it because the few issues that we do have are huge like communication and intimacy. So do I leave behind everything to move and hope this ought to be solving problems or should I just to try and find someone new who's more compatible with me. I would appreciate any advice you have. Thank you. You are one foot out the door. I've said this so many times that like, if you are like, should I break up if it's even crossing your mind of like a logistical

possibility? Like, hey, I kind of want to do this. I'm second guessing this like, do that. You don't really like when you go through tough shit in a relationship, if like breaking up isn't on the table for you. And I don't mean like a religious way or like divorce or anything like that. But if you're like, how can I problem solve this versus like this doesn't seem like a problem I want to solve because like, yeah,

moving six hours away could solve that problem. But do you want that solution? Right. To me, it feels like, because when we've talked about long distance before, it's always, you know, you have to have an end goal. and it seems like you like the space in long distance and like you would be perfectly fine with continuing to have a relationship that's long distance and that's not what he wants yeah

if he was better at communication i think that like i don't think that this would be an issue or a problem because i think like let's say he was great at communication and like libido was very matched and your intimacy was great you wouldn't still wouldn't want to move six hours away and like leave all of your friends and like your job and like have to start all over brand new again so why would that be a solution to something when like that in itself is a problem like that creates a problem but the idea that that's going to be a solution to me is just like a really like immature way of thinking that like or you just don't know that to me is extreme communication stuff that you are like you are so not aware of how communication works that you

think that our communication will get better just based on proximity and like that's so so so so not it and it's asking a lot of you in general but yeah I think that like the reason why you probably started to feel these like massive doubts when he started working farther away is I think what happened is if see going from seeing someone a couple times a week like they are a part of your routine in your life but like when he's gone three to four weeks like you are not that you're forgetting about him but like you are living kind of a single life in a more independent life and you're realizing maybe i don't miss him as much as i thought i would i don't hate this as much as i thought i would and now the idea of like giving up this freedom that i don't find like

lonely or isolating to move to you to just focus on you entirely that's a lot of pressure to put on a relationship too i think that this is not it especially because like you're thinking like should I just find someone else? I'm like, yeah. Yeah, because like you have the ability to move. And if like my significant other was somewhere else and like I knew that this is who I'm going to end up with and my job is very mobile,

then hell yeah, I'm going to go. You have the option. And this is something that's just not on the table. Like you don't want it. So don't force yourself into something you don't want to upheave your whole life to go to a place where you don't know anyone, don't have any friends have to get a new job we'll work at a new place you'll still be a nurse but

if you're not going to be happy why leave it's just creating more problems and like that's like the idea that he thinks that will solve a problem of communication and like it just won't and like the doubts are coming because you realize that you are you can do life without him not because like you're like oh hmm this communication like i don't think that's the timing of it i think that you realize you could do life without him and it sucks to say and I wouldn't say that to him but yeah moving in together should be like an exciting next step that you're both like really looking forward to and it's like oh my god this is amazing and like you're moving in together when it's a good thing and it's not being used as like a tool or like a means to fix something

or to solve a problem like I even think that like if you have the ability to not a lot of people move in together with partners really early on, like, cause they need to financially cause leases are up and all of that stuff. And I totally understand that. But I think even I've, I've had friends who've done the, who've said like, yeah, I wish we didn't have to do that in ideal world. We could have like taken our sweet ass time and moved in together when we really were emotionally ready to, and it wasn't a financial need. Like, I think that that's just sets you up way more for success. And if he wanted to continue this relationship and you both did, It would be working on your communication so you can feel comfortable moving in together.

Yeah. Like that has to get solved before you move in. And I just don't think that this is. This isn't the relationship for you. You would have no, you wouldn't have these kinds of very legitimate doubts. But I've got faith in you. Let us know what you do. Yeah.

Let us know. I hope it goes well. Do we have one more? Nope. Don't blame them. Don't blame them. So this is where a listener will call in with their own advice based on a previous episode. So what do they give all the details?

They give all the details. Okay. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm actually calling in for a Don't Blame Them for the most recent episode, which would have been episode 11 of the current season. So I'm calling for the girl who her and her boyfriend were throwing around the idea of moving in with her roommate, but then her boyfriend ended up getting his own place and she's going to be

doing school and he has a job and they're 22. So I was actually recently in this exact same situation. My boyfriend and I haven't been together as long as you guys have at the time that we did this. But I can only echo Megan and Melissa's advice. We basically ended up living in separate apartments for the entire time that I was in grad school, which was for two years. And so he had his own place. I had my own place. We would go back and forth.

He would come over and take me dinner. I would go over there, and we would cook together, just different things. I know y'all had a little bit of a different dynamic because of, like, your classes being at night. But you just have to be a little bit more intentional with your time, probably, especially on the weekends would be my best advice. But part of the reason we ended up living separately was actually because of my parents. My dad was like, your boyfriend's not going to be your roommate kind of thing. They're very religious, which is like his own – that's his own tale. But initially, I was, like, super upset about this, but we were 22 at the time, and now I'm about to be 25, and I'm so thankful for our relationship that we took two years to not live together.

So definitely recommend listening to Megan and Melissa on this one. Like, I think living apart is actually super good for your relationship, and, like, having your own space can only help you grow. It's not going to ever hurt you, essentially, to the kind of rest of your call or at least beginning of it when Megan and Melissa thought that you were going to move in with your roommate. Me and my boyfriend just did that, and we've been living with our for two months. It's already not going well, so don't even do that after you live separately. Don't recommend at all. but yeah i just echo megan and melissa's advice and i love the podcast you guys so have a great day have a great time um and yeah just always listen to what megan and melissa say they're

they're the best thanks y'all bye wow wow thank you that's our new intro just listen to megan always a swim they're the best that's a great idea no i think it's spot on love everything about it everyone who I've I know who has like taken that time and space before they moved in with a partner like and had their separate apartments nobody regrets it like you never regret taking a relationship slowly and like enjoying each step of the way but you will regret moving in with a third roommate when you are a couple yeah and you know who regrets it the most the third roommate yeah because it's just like you come home and like if the couple is like they're cuddled up on the couch and it's like is this like date time or like can i sit

here on the couch that i might have bought like it just makes it awkward it's so so so so so weird and i'm sure it works for like some people but like i can't imagine all three parties being i think three roommates in general is like a recipe for disaster that should be if anything it should be even at least at least you could have two on two because it's always going to end up being two on one and especially when you're like imagine like they're fighting that's like that's like living with my parents again I could never do that the last time I had a roommate this has been five six years ago now at this point but her boyfriend was over all the time and it was weird when they'd get in fights like I was like I don't even know this dude I don't know what his

like temperament is so i started like putting a knife in my room because i was like i don't know fucking fair yeah and it would just and then i'd go out and he'd be like sleeping on the couch why the fuck didn't you just go home i hate that yeah it just makes things weird it's collegey and like this woman was like 50 yeah i don't i don't want to see any random person sleeping on my couch unless i'm in college and even then i don't want to see it right but like i'm a little bit more understanding wow wow wow well hopefully that person in the original call follows our advice because now we have another person saying follow our advice maybe that's what our next merch drop should be follow my advice I'm never wrong unless I am in which case I'll just graze on by

it um so we hope you all enjoyed this episode that is it if you want to call in for an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976. International listeners, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com. All the same rules and requests for the calls apply that we listed at the beginning of the episode. We are available on Patreon if you want to pay $1 a month for the video version. That's it. $1 a month. It's like 20, 25 cents an episode. And you can see the video version also helps support the show. And we have a $5 tier, but you can also adjust it to However much you want to contribute, if you are a prince or the heir to the... What's the Taylor Swift lyric?

Heir to the Standard Oil family name? Is that the... I think it is lyric. Okay. I don't know why you're asking me. No, I'm mostly like trying to do it in my head. If it didn't happen in the... Who else?

The Waynes family? Who else is... Yeah, I don't think there's any other brothers that we're into. With the Waynes brothers. Waynes brothers and like sons as well. because they're all like my age wise that works for us yeah if you guys didn't know most and i did go on a deep dive on them a couple weeks ago and oh yeah so our patreon we do live streams just like zooms hanging out all together twice a month they're really fun and uh you also

don't have to join like you're more than welcome to join the tier support the show that way and um you can like watch the uploads of the lives like figure out what the vibe is like and if you want to come in but i can promise you we have new people who come in like almost like all the time and um they enjoy it this week we had somebody new and she just hopped right in i loved it there the whole time yeah she's like hi i'm new this is my like deal this is what i'm about it was like perfect great so like it's a very fun supporting supportive community and uh our merch is out yeah the pre-sales over so stuff started getting printed last week two weeks ago from this so or no it is last week very exciting we can't wait for everyone to get it but we it's still

available we would love if you ordered it repped it and again if you're a taylor swift fan or if you're a therapy fan dual meanings yeah dual meanings my new presets are out they're really cute they're great my book is out the paperback edition of my book is coming out soon hard cover is also out in audiobook i did get a surge in sales from blowing up on anti-sorority tiktok after alabama rush tiktok blew up so if you want to get my book check that out and yeah those are things that i have to promote aside from following me on different social media as well as our tiktok the podcast all of our socials i do want to say that i love the cover of the paperback if this is what it's like you the blue yeah it took a lot i may have to you know order another one so i can

get the other cover it's really cute my publishers finally got a win because i was like they were like can we at least put you on the cover of the paperback and i was like for sure so i love it i didn't want to be on the cover of the like the hardcover book because like i feel like i think the book is like great if you know me but i also think it like it's not like a very youtubey kind of book like it has like it just doesn't feel like you i know what i am on the back cover i know i know i i really set my guns i didn't want to be on the cover and it was like also i started the book when the era of like every youtuber is coming out their memoir and like it was all just their face and like if i i never pick up a book with someone's face on it if i don't recognize who

they are and so i was like i kind of wanted this to be like a little more and like it's so chic and like you can put it out somewhere it looks cute but now we have paperback and i pretty much always knew i was gonna be on the paperback so like okay oh i want to promote yeah i was like did you say um uh one of my podcasts uh behind the wheels is now back it's with uh dj and a musicologist dj isa rae's letting and like all her events and he's been on like insecure and stuff so like he's like a big deal and so if you like enjoy r&b music hip-hop music black music um our first episode is out and we had my guy mars on who is a big producer so come check it out hell yes and if you're ever curious about all the many podcasts melissa does go to her um website or her website's

instagram her business the busiest woman i am pretty busy you are really fucking busy um well that's it for this episode if you want to go leave a review on the apple podcast app we would appreciate it and it will help us um boot all of those rachel she keeps leaving them rachel's obsessed with us she like really is obsessed i think she listens to the episodes yeah so she can pull out one specific thing and then post about it i know i'm like she's listening now jealousy is a disease i know and she is sick please go get a life yeah and go to the doctor a chew wipe that's wipe that little snot um we will see you all next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and

print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso Thank you.