Don't Blame Me! - S8E18: Hooking Up with a Woman and a Married Man at Work

Episode Date: September 27, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Extrovert turned introvert during the pandemic Period Sex New mom ignoring their friend Creeped out by boyfriend's friend DBT: Teacher changing careers Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me    Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me this is maybe not an incredibly exciting episode for you but this is the first time melissa and i have recorded in two two and a half weeks three yeah three three i think yeah that's three actually i should introduce myself if you're brand new here um my name is megan and i am joined by my co-host producer and if you're watching the video version my uh sweatshirt matching twin yeah melissa and plan it we did not plan it though i did think that you would wear one and it was i don't know the percentage of three thirty three percent thirty three percent point three three three three three three three that we would be wearing this one so if you haven't peeped our merch check

it out it's very cute and we are an advice podcast where you call in the voicemails and then we give you life-changing amazing wonderful fantastic advice that's the best thing you've ever heard and makes your day i also like to you know sometimes refer to us as a certain barstool podcast but non-gmo someone sent us a message it's like have you listened recently and i was like no no i mean it's on spotify now but i mean you know it's a principle i'm not gonna listen to a barstool that's like saying like have you listened to this one specific joe rogan episode and i'm like that's i'm good bro i'm good it's not gonna happen even if it's bernie sanders to say bro because you know it's like bro it's a it's a bro to bro of course it's bros yeah

so just a quick i don't even know if this is considered a housekeeping update but melissa and i are not recording together in person because i have covid if you're not following me on any apparatus you have missed that i have covid i am fingers crossed hopefully on the tail end of it But I am still in my 14 days of quarantine isolation, which is why we're not recording together. And it's also my precursor if I sound winded, if I take a lot of breaths, or I repeat myself, or in general, if my brain doesn't seem, if it seems less sharp than it normally is, which is already kind of dull.

because of that we're not going to do updates for right now just because it takes more energy to do the updates because we have to talk to you guys live and can't edit i mean we do edit but like can't edit irl so yeah and like we don't like to interrupt and ask someone to like repeat themselves and you know to do all of that kind of stuff so this is going to be the longest i've spoken in weeks so when i told mazzi recording today he was like oh and i was like we're just gonna do one episode it's gonna be fine i was like we can tell our advertising partners will take a day off but you're a trooper and i appreciate it i want to feel better desperately and so like i think whatever i can do to like ease myself back into it i'm like so bored of

being sick and it sucks because like obviously like we're incredibly like lucky and grateful that were vaccinated and like we didn't have we had like shitty cases like it was not fun and it very much so sucked um but that uh I have the ability to like want to power through and like keep working and or start working not like I've been working at all for the last couple weeks but we also know that that's a lucky thing that we can do because a lot of other people have to deal with much worse symptoms and much worse cases and all that. But by no means was it just a simple cold, like most people are saying. But yeah, I did a whole video on my YouTube about my experience with breakthrough cases. I also have a ton of links and information there. If

people have questions, this is not a place for anti-vaxxers. Vaccine hesitancy is something that is completely separate and different. And I have a lot of resources on my Instagram and my youtube if you are vaccine hesitant and want to learn more but if you're i mean let's be honest rachel's gonna hop in the fucking reviews and leave an anti-vax comment in general yeah i know that our rachel's that we like that are in our facebook group they they had they made a little thread they did and i like how you know we we know that these are good people in our group because they didn't they weren't like offended by it well because they know that the only thing they have in common with that rachel is the name i can admit not all megan's are created equal right megan

kelly no that's not an h who's the h megan cane mccain mccain yeah megan yeah but you had been visiting your family and yes i saw my family in arkansas i popped first i saw my popped up at my sister melanie's house because she was closest to the airport and they didn't know i was coming so I forgot when I went to her door that I had on a hoodie and a mask and so I walked in my brother-in-law was like who the fuck is this and then I went to my and my nieces and nephews didn't recognize he was like take off your mask I was like I'm not taking off my mask so I get like a home test or whatever um because they Noah and Adriana like they're like I don't know who the that is because again i had on a hoodie and a mask and then i went to my sister's room

she was taking a nap and so i woke her up and she again was like who is this the person the two people that immediately recognized me were the dog who loves me she's my heart and joy and abrielle who was one years old the baby and has never seen me like except for like when she was newly born as a baby like so funny so i loved it because she like she hasn't seen me since she was a newborn and we've only like she knows me through facetime and so she got it immediately that's so cute and then we found out where my parents were my dad was at home and my mom was at walmart and i was like let's go to walmart so me and melanie went to walmart and my mom had the other nieces and nephews three of them with her and so like I saw them at the checkout

counter and like just what everything is now all automated at Walmart in Arkansas and so I went up and then she just my mom started screaming and it was the best it's all on camera I can't wait to see it and then I went home and my dad was there and I walked in with like my mom and my nieces and nephews and my other sister and so like he didn't realize it at first like that i had walked in and then like it like he did a double take and said what the hell that's one more daughter than i'm used to seeing in this room that's so fun oh and then i went to go see my other sister who had a migraine that day and we've been fighting she called me an asshole and then hugged me and we were good at that time the pettiness i live for it i live for it well that's exciting you said

that you think you're gonna post the video on our tiktok your tiktok or our tiktok my tiktok yeah okay we have other videos that need to go on our tiktok that you can't see i think i'll have to download them and send it to you i think you will too because i apparently they like stay on the device not the account the drafts which sucks yeah yeah i was thinking about that today i wanted to make some new tiktoks well i am so happy you got to see your family it's been so long almost two years yeah the flying experience i hate it yeah i can imagine flying from texas to california is a different vibe yeah because i had to go through dallas because of american and their rerouting of things but a lot of uh people wearing their masks under their noses a lot of um

touching of things and i was not comfortable at all even the little who wasn't a little boy i'd say it was like 15 that was sitting next to me i didn't notice it but the flight attendant was passing by and she's like you need to put your mask on because i would have like my eyes closed and he didn't have his mask on and his mom was like sleep next to him and i was like oh my gosh i hate that yeah that's so stressful yeah i think that like you and me specifically not only are we in an la bubble but like we don't leave we don't our houses or like go outdoor dining or like even or do indoor dining do like any of that kind of stuff so like we don't see how other people are conducting it and like it's one of those things that like you're like oh this is why we're at

where we're at as a country yeah even my flight attendant going from texas to arkansas she didn't have her mask on for half the flight and i recorded her good she was talking about like childbirth without her mask and i was like we can hear you with your mask on you don't need to take it off we were on a very small plane too i don't understand why she had it off i already get really nervous about germs on planes in general and lack of air circulation and that kind of stuff and so like that's without a pandemic like a airborne yeah i mean even before the pandemic i was the person that was wiping stuff down so yeah i didn't have fun flying at all yeah okay so that's where we're at so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can

leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com for uh both of those things that we ask you are 18 or over have your parents permission you let us know your pronouns and you keep it under three minutes and the best way to do that is to write down everything you're going to say pull out your phone get the timer on there read everything you wrote down and see if it fits under three minutes while maintaining all of the important info you can cut out your zodiac signs we do want to know your ages if it's about a relationship how long have you been together as many details as possible and then for the call when you record it read it and you can get a diamond that melissa gives out

sparkly a sparkly diamond or maybe just like um what do you want to do tears or just diamonds just diamonds just diamonds yeah it's either an a plus or you fail we're on all or nothing here uh so without further ado should we get into the first call let's do it hi eminem i am calling from Canada and I'm calling regarding being now an introvert due to the pandemic I used to be a huge extrovert me and my boyfriend and since we're obviously double vaccinated and things are getting back to normal here in Canada so you know we go out with like friends and stuff we'll just like go to a restaurant or we'll go to a patio and I just don't want to do anything and I know that I can't be alone my boyfriend still like now he's excited he's like oh I can't wait to go out

for drinks with friends or, you know, like go to the bar, go for dinner or like go to a bonfire or go wherever. And every time we get an invite somewhere, I'm like, I would literally rather sit at home and watch a movie. For example, it's Friday night. He's going golfing with his new boss and some coworkers, which I'm super happy for him. But I'm at home eating pizza, drinking wine, and I just went to Home Fence, which is like Home Goods in Canada. And like, that's my night. And I He knows that nothing's wrong with it. But where the issue comes in is I almost resent him because I'm like, I'm always home with the dog.

I'm always looking after the house. I'm always doing laundry. But I feel like I need some tough love because that is obviously my choice. Like I am choosing to do that. And I don't know, I just like, I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. Like I'm down to go for like a patio for drinks during the day. But at night, like past eight o'clock, I'm like an old lady.

and I don't know how to balance this in our relationship and kind of not be resentful because it kind of sounds like I want to still go out and I get jealous when he does stuff. But at the same time, I just like don't want to go. So if you have any advice or you know anyone else going through something similar, I don't know if I need to snap out of it or what it is,

but any advice that you have would be great. Love you ladies so much. You're the bomb. Talk to you soon. Bye. well you're talking to two people that do not like to leave their homes i still feel very unsafe going out and so like i i have friends that are like come over you know let's go out to eat i do not want to go out to eat at a new restaurant um unless i know that we're going to be secluded

kind of like when we went out for your birthday we were far away from everyone and we had to all show vaccination we had to show vaccination cards and we had all been tested before yeah but i would say to treat your alone time as the same way as him going out as far as like the household work like if you're at home it's like enjoyment for you so like if you're at home then you shouldn't be doing any type of chores i would think of that more of like when you're both at home I think yeah no I agree with all that like I think like your leisure time should be leisure time and like just because you're home you shouldn't be doing the things you need to get done around the house it should be treated the same way it's just a different venue of

social stuff I would say though that like I think if it feels like you want to you're not getting that quality time with him anymore like I think scheduling that is great and like maybe it's the quality time that you schedule is you and him like you said going out to like drinks or dinner on a patio and being home by eight and that's like a date night thing and then he's not going off to go do something afterwards like when you guys have like a a date like have that be like this is the day we're gonna hang out this is what we're gonna do together and all of that kind of stuff so you're getting like actual quality time even if before your quality time used to be going out together and doing lots of things that are a lot more social i think you have

to like adjust that with him and I do understand though at the same time like if you want to be at home and like there's a part of you I think it sounds like you want him to want to do that too with you which I totally understand but that's it's just and like as you said you wanted the tough love like you can do that but that has to be scheduled the same way there just have it be three different or four different things there's you and him when you're home and that's we're doing, like during the week or whatever, and we're doing laundry, we're doing chores, like we're hanging out with the dog, taking care of the dog, doing blah, blah, blah, whatever. And then there's his social time where he's doing whatever he chooses to do, whether that's golfing or going

out with friends or doing that your social time, or your personal time where you can choose like go to HomeSense, like go get a glass of wine and sit on a patio or watch a movie at home, and then couple time because I think if you are then treating your relationship quality time the same thing as like roommates coexisting working at home doing that kind of stuff that can feel really resentful because it feels like all of your leisure time is separate from each other so I would focus on scheduling and making time for that and I personally know for me as a homebody like I completely understand pre-pandemic like this is pre-pandemic I like Mots and I would he would want to go out for a drink and like he would want him and I to do that together and he

really likes that it's not my favorite thing but we would go do that but like then afterwards we would come home and watch a movie which is something that I really like to do but it wasn't like we're having a date and then that's gonna mean we're gonna leave after an hour and then you're gonna go off and do something else with your friends and then I'm gonna go home by myself like that's kind of where I think the introvert at home thing or homebody because it's not even necessarily you don't sound necessarily like an introvert it sounds like you are have been an extrovert and you enjoy being around people but like that's been taken away by the pandemic I'm like an extrovert who's a homebody like that's like and I think this kind of sounds similar to

you so I think it's just having those conversations with him and then if you also feel like if he's he should watch the dog when the other things that you want to go out and like do and like all that kind of stuff but i think if you have quality time with him it won't feel like you are holding down the fort or being like the homemaker aspect that he just gets to come home to like a perfectly clean house and doing all of that stuff it's about like not multitasking yeah and maybe breaking up what the chores are like you have written down like you're doing laundry this week. I'll do the laundry next week, blah, blah, blah. That way you're not stuck with everything. Yeah. And also like, I think regardless of the fact that like things are opening up some

places and it's safer for people to go do social things. I don't think it's a ridiculous request at all to like, even if you've spent all this time quarantining with your partner, I don't think it's a ridiculous request at all to like want to see them as and have a date night once a week without adding other people involved into that because like your relationship is still important and like even though we've been cooped up with significant others for all of this time you didn't backlog quality time like you have to maintain that through all these other social obligations hi megan melissa i hope you both are doing well i obviously love listening to your podcast but i want to get into why i'm calling before i start ranting too much i have been with

my boyfriend for about five years. I've always had a pretty irregular period, regardless of like birth control or any contraceptive. It's been pretty unpredictable. In the first half of our relationship, I hardly had any period at all. But now I have almost constantly, it seems. I see him mostly on weekends because that's when he's free and when I'm free. And it seems like I will almost be clear until the weekend I see him almost every single time. That being said, we haven't been actually intimate in months other than me pleasing him orally, which I do enjoy very much. It does get frustrating when my boyfriend refuses to do anything else when I'm bleeding. I understand that's messy and it's definitely not ideal, but it seems that this is just kind of becoming our

reality I've told him multiple times that with you know condoms putting on towels etc we can minimize the mess and we can still have a good time that can be intimate and romantic and then it can even enhance or intensify my feelings when I'm bleeding but he refuses it doesn't help that he makes me feel kind of gross and I'm clean for having my period and kind of acts like it's my fault, even though I continually say it's not my choice, obviously, you know, even if my periods are regular, it's still a normally bodily function. I stood up for myself so many times telling him, maybe you're not the one getting sex, but I'm the one dealing with, you know, the cramps and the constant, constant bleeding. And I'm also not getting sex.

So it really makes me feel insecure in my relationship and honestly super inadequate as a partner and a girlfriend because he's a very sexual person. I mean, so am I, but it really sucks that I feel I am unable to kind of give him what I wish I could and what I want to. I guess I'm not really sure what my exact question is. How am I able to make my boyfriend stop acting like a child and have periods sex with me? Or is this a reason I should consider leaving my partner for? I'm honestly just kind of unsure at this point. I'm going to get graphic with my personal experience. So fair warning, Melissa.

It can be weird when you talk about having sex with your current partner. Do you know what I mean? like i find usually talking about sex and how other people but like you know both moths and i so like everybody this is gonna be when i'm talking about sex i rarely will talk about moths and i like i know nothing about your sex life except for you don't hit your head on your uh chandelier oh we definitely do more recently just because i've been a little less lazy and going on top more which you know that it happens i know that's a thing for you yeah so i have been on birth control for I'm almost on two months now and I have been spotting continuously this

whole time and Moss has been on the podcast before he's talked about the first time he ever had sex and the first time he ever had sex was with a girl who didn't know that she had her period and the lights were off lights came back on he was completely covered in blood it was the middle of a party he is now like he said this where he was like as traumatizing that was for me like I recognize it was so much more traumatizing for her but he has never uh hadn't really ever been comfortable with period sex or doing anything like that I will also say I have never had any desire to have sex while I am like menstruating because like I'm in pain like I'm not whatever but I've been spotting continuously for the last three months and like some days I'm having like it's

all manageable cramps and pain and that stuff so like it's a different i now i'm in a position where i'm like oh i would want to have sex now this isn't never before have i been bleeding and also felt like comfortable enough to have sex and someone not wanting to have period sex is totally fine totally they're right the issue and first of all it's totally fine if someone doesn't have period sex and it's also totally fine if that's something that you need in a relationship and you want some like you can break up with someone because that's not something that they're comfortable with and the only issue is when you're making someone do something they're not comfortable with but the fact that he has made you feel like this is your fault this is dirty

it's gross it's on you and it's something that you making you feel unclean and you have to constantly stand up for yourself and defend your own cycle and your own body that's an issue Mott's was never comfortable with having period sex but never at all was I ever made to feel this was something gross about my body or anything like that and within the last three months like we have he basically came to me and was like hey so this seems like this body and stuff seems like this has is going to be the new normal for at least the next three months but even longer if this isn't the birth control that works for you and you try another one and we had a serious sit down conversation where I told him, I was like, you have to understand how much weight there

is around shame around menstruation and cycles. And I'm not going to be comfortable having sex while I have my period. If there's going to be any sort of uncomfortability or visible, like sticking out grossness from you, like I can't do that. And so like, you have to be sure that you are really ready and comfortable to do that because there's a lot behind all of this. And like we've been taught to be so shameful regarding this thing for so long and my period's also a very sensitive subject to me because it's something that like I deal with like so horribly so to have someone else like kind of be like I'd be like fuck off like you don't know and he's been completely comfortable with like again using condoms putting a towel down and all that and

like I got some blood on the sheets the other like two days ago and I was like oh my god I'm so sorry and he was like oh my god don't apologize like this is completely natural it's not gross at all like this is just something that like we deal with and like we just wash the sheets like here i'll spray them down like this totally fine and he was like you know what you don't even worry about this like if this makes you feel like shameful or like feel bad looking at it i'm just gonna take care of it and i'm gonna go do this thing and that should be i don't want to applaud him for doing any of that because like that should be the standard but like we have been so ingrained to accept people thinking that our bodies are gross and that should never, ever, ever be the

case. It's something completely natural. But on top of it, I know how much it fucking sucks to not have a regular cycle to deal with period pain. And then on top of that, having a boyfriend who's upset with you for having a period, is he like seven years old? Does he not understand how this like works? Like, I think that if I don't think you're mature enough to be with someone who has a cycle if you can't talk about it or be compassionate or understanding of any of this like i just think that like this is so many more red flags about him as a person than like him not wanting to have period sex that's not my issue with this agree 100 i really don't have much to add to what you're saying because i think you're completely like on the ball about everything i am

somebody that like on the third day of my period i get extra horny like oh yeah like i'm so horny so i do want to have sex um and i just want to say if you're someone who feels like squeamish about like period sex um because of the blood there are products out there that and this to me it's not for the caller that's calling in because i don't think that i think there's a lot of red flags that are going on here um but for anyone else like there's we've advertised with them before so this is a free ad i guess but flex discs they make like discs that you can put in that you can use during sex. So that's just an option.

For anything sex related, there should be two enthusiastic participants. And if you're not, there's not two enthusiastic participants, then like I said, that information is not for you. Yeah. And there's a way to, prior to all of this, like Mott's not being into having period sex, that conversation is not how your conversation

with your boyfriend was going. And I also wasn't into having it. at that point either and so like that works but even if you take away the misogyny and like just horrible shit that he's doing if he doesn't want to have period sex and that's something that you're interested in and you want and like also because like pretty much you're you need to be with someone who's gonna have period sex because otherwise you're not gonna have sex like then that is not the relationship for you but beyond all of that like there's just so many red flags and I hate the fact that you have dealt with potentially for the last like five years in a

relationship with someone who has like made you apologize for something that not only you can't control but something that affects you so much more than it affects him and like I don't know I am such a specific like frustration and like feelings about sex in regards to like periods and like all of that kind of stuff that like there's already so much of an uphill battle people with vaginas have to do in regards like empowerment in their own sexuality and like pleasure and all of that kind of stuff. And then when you also factor in those people who menstruate along with that and tie those things together, like you are fighting such a fucking uphill battle for that. And when people with penises don't recognize that, meet you there and respect it. To me, that's like the lowest of the low because you're like, you have no idea how fucking hard me and everyone who came before me had to work to get to like all of this in my lifetime.

and then no like fuck off with that shit all right i would bite his dick and then break up with him i would all right next one hi megan and melissa i'm calling i need some tough love i think i'm not really sure long story short i'm in my late 20s and my girlfriend just had her first baby it's like the first baby of the group and i planned her gender reveal for her like we're completely best friends and not like high school best friends like adult best friends we've been really close she's been like texting me every day up until the birth long story short she had her baby two weeks ago and I have not heard from her um her mom has been texting me like when she went in uh she was actually induced and then she ended up having a c-section just because it was taking

so long for her to get dilated so um yeah her mom was texting me sending me updates her fiance who I'm also really good friends with was sending me updates as well and then after her son was born her fiance texting was like oh he's here like we're so happy and I was like oh my gosh amazing like let me know if you guys need anything like I'm just so happy that they're both healthy and uh he was like yeah for sure so I texted her the day after she had the baby because she was texting me while she was like being induced and I just said like catch it so short and sweet like hey love you so much I prepped some food for you guys let me know um if I can drop it off before you guys get home from the hospital I just want to make sure you guys are fed and you know you can

enjoy this for a few weeks with your son and she never texted me back which I didn't expect like she just had a baby for god's sake however it's been two weeks and like I said I planned her gender reveal like it was like a big thing like we're so close and obviously I haven't had a baby and obviously I'm like yo calm the fuck down like you haven't had a baby you don't know what it's like however is this weird like it's been two weeks and I and I haven't texted her again I've texted her fiance and been like hey like thinking about you guys like so glad to see that you're home because he's posting like their home and he's like so in love with his new son and yada yada but like I haven't heard from her and he always sends me like pictures of you know the baby and

her back and he's like yeah everyone's doing good like thanks so much I can't wait for you to meet them and obviously it's COVID and we're all vaccinated and my plan isn't like I'm not saying this because I want to see him I want to make sure that like I just want to hear from her that she's okay because I feel like a lot of people obviously deal with babies oh my gosh I'm getting close to the limit everyone's worried about the babies and not the moms and I have food and I don't want to see them like I would rather just drop the food off on their front door and run but I haven't heard from her so is this weird give me tough love if you need a Virgo I can handle it love you guys bye I'm glad you want tough love because that's what you're gonna get not only did she just have

a baby she's recovering from major surgery and her fiance she is communicating to you through her fiance that's what's happening like yeah you just need to maybe if it's better for you at this time change the number to say hit like her name and his name but like that is who's sending those pictures like he is doing this to keep you updated and communicate with you for her because she's not there she might not even have slept yet like yeah there's so much that your body goes through after you have a baby and you don't know how she's dealing with it and she might not even understand how she's dealing with it and she's not because she has a new baby she's not sleeping she also might that it's common so she as far as you know she might have postpartum depression

and she doesn't want to deal with any she like she's not even thinking about you i know that you're thinking about her, but she's not thinking about you because she has other things on her mind. She's got this brand new thing that had been growing in her for months that she's a first time mom that she isn't getting sleep. Her body is changing from like hormones because she it's going from having a baby in her to not having a baby in her. She, I don't know if she's breast, there's just a lot of things that are going on with her physically and emotionally. And right now she does not have the capacity to have you as a factor in that her fiance is still like letting you know like even if he's not like answering your text messages he's still like letting you

know that you know the baby's healthy and if he if there was something that he felt comfortable and your friend felt comfortable you would know but they're not there yet so you just you just have to as much as it feels like you're on the sideline because you were there for her throughout the pregnancy you just have to wait because it's not about you at all yeah and if you want to drop off food just literally show up drop it off send a picture of the front door to him say hey just dropped off some food for you and go home and if they don't see the text message if the food spoils if they forget about it that's fine it doesn't matter and like I understand you saying like you want to check in on her and you feel like everybody like worried about baby and all of that stuff but

exactly like you just said she knows that you're there if she needs something from you or she wants to talk to you about something or anything she can reach out but the worst thing to do at this possible moment is to put expectations or to make you have needs right now because like you need to get whatever your friendship needs from other friends right now because like that's not going to happen with her and being in communication with you and talking about whatever it is right now would just be another task on her to-do list and not something that's coming from like a place where she's either ready to talk about it or like has something to talk about or anything like that so I think just drop the food off and if he sends a photo

just be like would love to get a picture like so great but like understand that like the same things are going on and she they're getting the same messages from all of his family all of her family other people they have so many doctor's appointments it seems like her mom's there too right because she was yeah updates like it's just it's just not about you yeah and I think that there for me personally there's nothing I like love more than the fact and this is not comparing this to like childbirth or anything like that but like when I'm either like going through like a really depressive episode or like what even when I have my period or whatever all of my friends will know and it's like a singular text message like hey you do it all the time once a month when

I was getting my period like hope you're doing like hope you're doing well like thinking of you blah, blah, blah. And then I can respond to that when I am ready when I am up to it. And I don't have my phone blowing up all week. And then feeling like I have fuck I have to respond to this person, I have an obligation to do that kind of stuff. That I'm sure is exactly how she feels friendship wise, like with you. And you're worrying about the potential that she's maybe not doing super well emotionally or like is dealing with something and doesn't have someone to go to, she has you to go to. And if she needed to go to you right now, she would. And that door is always going to be open. And I think that like from the sound of it, you guys have a great

friendship and she knows that. But the more that you push, if someone's not ready, that's not helpful for anyone in the situation right there can't be any expectations in return even being like well i want to like don't even just drop the food off don't even be like is it okay if i make it so there doesn't have to be a response on the other end like there's a no strings attached here's a thing that i did doesn't matter to me if you don't ever eat this food if i can be helpful then this will be helpful if it's not not helpful i'm not going to feel like put out or i wasted time or I need you to tell me that what I did was helpful like yeah like even my friends that they had a baby a couple years ago and although like I was part of the birth plan because um the husband

he grew up in New York he doesn't know he did he never learned how to drive so like I was always part of the birth plan that I was going to take them to the hospital and then like I got a text message like she's having the baby it ended up that they were in a position where like they just had to go and I wasn't part of it. And I was fine with that because I know that things change and you don't know what's going to happen. And I would just like, you know, send food over or like send like I'd sent lactation cookies over. Like, again, it's just not about you. Yeah. And two weeks for somebody who has is on the outside of having given a baby that feels like two weeks for every new mom I've spoken to it was as if like a day passed

like it was it's so fast and like you're figuring all of that stuff out like it's a lot like it's it's a lot and you don't want to add to her plate or their plate with any of that kind of stuff and even like she's not mad at you you know that's like the other thing like if you need to hear that like she's not mad at you you're not in a fight she's just learning how to become a new mom right now and dealing with all of that kind of stuff and the best thing that you can do is what she's expecting that you're doing is you are the supportive best friend who's going to be there judgment free no expectations for when she's ready and has the bandwidth yeah yeah and i can't even reiterate the just based on my a nose job is nowhere near as intensive a surgery as a c-section

I was living the day after tomorrow for like the almost the for the first 10 days I woke up watch the same episode of scandal every day thinking I hadn't seen it the day before it was 50 first dates like you have so many drugs that are still in your system from surgery that like you are coming off all of that kind of stuff like it's a lot and if it's helpful for you i would recommend watching some like vlogs of like youtubers or like just some things about recovering from a c-section and all of that kind of stuff to like see like oh wow this is probably a very similar thing that she could be going through and then you'll meet the baby and it'll be great okay quick break and then we'll be right back

okay we are back from the break and we're getting to the rest of the calls hi i'm 24 i work in a brewery with a bunch of dudes but there's a couple ladies there who are really nice that's important for later so i've been working at this brewery for three years now and as of this last february september now this uh guy started and i immediately had ridiculous butterflies like essentially i'm gonna vomit drop all the things that i do every time i see you kind butterflies this guy makes me go crazy i smell him and everything just goes nuts that sounded weird but don't worry about it so i liked this one guy i started hooking up with another guy at the place he is unfortunately married and i should not be doing that and so that's a thing

and on top of that we now have another situation i've been making out with uh one of the ladies who works there so I got a massive crush on one of the guys been hooking up with one of the married guys been making out with one of the chicks who is not in a relationship in any sort of way anyway the guy the one guy I still get massive butterflies every time I see him but this chick she genuinely wants to like hang out and get to know me and I kind of want to like get to know her but I've never really been with a lady before so I don't necessarily know the next step uh after making out and you're not just shit face drunk so I don't I don't know those steps what would it do I know those steps no problem with a lady I don't know those steps I know I

should stop hooking up with this married man but what should I do with this guy that I've had a massive crush on for months and this girl that has now entered the scene that I've been randomly making out with here and there or should I like maybe just the co-workers and in general I also live in a very small town so if I don't end up dating my co-workers I date my customers or whatever anyway thanks Megan I love your podcast and no love for Melissa that means you can be extra ruthless do not date people that you work with first of all do not date married people hook up with married people and then you know this is just a like your life should never seem like a messy

sitcom like a badly written messy sitcom badly written messy sitcom like really that's that's really all i have to like you need to be alone don't date anybody you work with don't date married people don't hook up with somebody that you don't like you just seem like you're just interested because you made out with them you don't even seem like you're actually interested in them and then you're leading them on because you're like actually interested in this other guy that you still like don't date people you work with i don't know what else you have to say no the answer is d none of the above like you need to not be involved with any of these things you need to cut off all of this and hop into therapy if it's accessible to you and if it's

not accessible to you read a bunch of books on this subject because you have had feelings for a guy who sounds originally sound not the married man who sounds like he's single and someone you really like and instead of pursuing that in a very ethical way your response has been to get shit face to hook up with one of your co-workers and then also sleep with a married man who's another one and he's another other co-workers too like that to me is like perfect example of like you of self-sabotage there like we don't fall into mess like you've created a really messy situation for yourself which is the why you picked the mess you didn't pick pursuing someone that you feelings for and like to me that sounds like an attachment style issue deflecting like yeah

there's something else going on here you were going out of your way to participate in chaos that cannot and will not end well for you versus the potential of something that could and even if you're like, you know what, I want to cut everything off and date this guy, you have to take a massive, massive, massive break. Because like, this is not the mindset that you go in to that. And that's not how you have a successful and healthy relationship. Like there's a reason why you've chosen to do all of this stuff. And like, until you unpack that and work through that, you're going to then subject other people to this. And I think that's part of the reason why you are not going after him and is because i think that there's some issues there that you

think that you deserve the married man mess drunk hookup kind of thing down the road if you do end up wanting to pursue a relationship with like another woman that the communication needs to be so clear there if you've never been in a relationship with a woman you didn't define your sexuality at all but if you've never been in a relationship with a woman you can still be interested in women like you you can still be a lesbian you can still be gay you can still be bi like you don't need experience to to validate your sexuality at all but what would need to happen is a really honest conversation if this isn't something that you're entirely sure that you want or would be interested in pursuing and if you've only ever really like had kind of like

the drunk makeouts with other women like you have to have a really honest conversation with her so there is no miscommunication because i think it's also very valid and it is if you are kind of more curious and exploring your sexuality there's a lot of people who are not interested in being with someone who is testing out the waters and isn't sure like and that's completely valid so down the road give it a year before you pursue anything but if you come down to that down the road make sure your communication is really open and honest so people aren't expecting things that you have no intention in partaking in yeah this is the most tough love thing i will say in all of this you have to do a fuck ton of self-work for i would think if this guy who you have a crush on

if he's always cracked up to be and like the perfect guy and all of that kind of stuff if he knows that you've hooked up with your other married co-worker and all of that kind of stuff you need to set the precedent of what relationship you want. And if you have been, I'm just doing this, I'm doing this, I'm doing this or whatever. I don't think that you think that you are ready to be in a serious relationship with him, which is why you're not in a serious relationship with him. And until you can like get the other stuff out, figure all of that other shit, it's not going to just like happen miraculously.

Right. We don't figure out how to be in like healthy relationships as they happen. like we have to set ourselves up for success too messy yeah oh hi megan and melissa i am a 21 year old female my pronouns are she her and my boyfriend is 24 with the pronouns he him and we've been together for three years i'm calling because my boyfriend has a fairly big friend group and one of the men 24 year olds um we both have an issue with this guy is a part of the friend group but my boyfriend wouldn't say he's actually a friend. This guy has always acted very strange towards me,

including constantly telling me he approves of me for my boyfriend, telling me he wants a girl like me for himself, and getting way too close at certain times, specifically even laying down next to me in my boyfriend and I's bed when he wasn't around. This past weekend, the friend group took a trip, and my boyfriend and I were stuck rooming with this guy and his new girlfriend. This girlfriend is very new and so quiet and a little clueless.

The guy said weird things the entire trip, including how cool he thinks my job is in front of everyone, but in a weird, obsessive way. Since I post about it on social media, it feels like he's always looking out for when I post. But what really drove my boyfriend and I over the edge was during the entire weekend, this guy would follow me into the shared bedroom and what felt like pretending to do something just so he'd get me alone and talk to me. I don't think my boyfriend really understood how bad this was until I filmed the guy standing over the foot of my bed while I was laying down talking to me. I felt so vulnerable. My boyfriend and I are pissed and so uncomfortable around him. But if we tell him he's the type to go run and say something to the rest of the group, I don't want everyone really knowing how I feel, even though they would all believe me over him. We're just a little stuck.

What should we do? I'm a lever on my boyfriend's cancer. This guy sucks. Help. his sign is sucky Jesus Christ why do you care so much about his feelings no I mean I think that like what she's doing I think it's just down playing it because I think you feel really uncomfortable but like you're not necessarily sure what the outcome is going to be so like you're afraid to express how uncomfortable you are because you might feel like what if it gets

like worse but you even said at the end she said that like his friends would believe her over him so like they know they see that like they're not all clueless especially i think if there's some other girls there they're definitely not clueless but i think like a your feelings are valid you feeling uncomfortable is like 100 valid like should not need to be downplayed at all but also So your comfort and safety level is incredibly important. And like, regardless of you are in like an imminent or any possibility of physical danger is honestly irrelevant if it makes you feel like very,

it doesn't matter if like, oh, well, like most likely blah, blah, blah. You have to operate in a way that like makes you feel safe and comfortable. And if that is having your boyfriend pull him aside and be like or no maybe maybe the boyfriend talks to the rest of the friends first and says hey I've been noticing that like you said a bunch of like weird stuff and like it makes me really uncomfortable and like has anybody else been picking up on this and then they can notice that

sort of thing he's like I'm gonna talk to him like that makes me so uncomfortable if it makes you feel better to have your boyfriend downplay how you like feel about it or be like I she hasn't really said anything to me but i i can tell it makes her uncomfortable if that makes you feel better 100 go for that but i think like if he wants to go about it in talking to the friends first and then talking to him so that narrative comes from your guys your camp versus the other friends i think honestly though if you think that they're all going to like be on your side regardless if he has an adverse reaction to this that is most all I can really see that going is the rest of the friend group being like we're not comfortable hanging out with him at all anymore

right and if not then like fuck that whole friend group they're not looking out for you or your boyfriend and especially your comfort level at all like this is just like he's crossed so many lines it's way too fucking far and i think he should be kicked out of the friend group i think he should be kicked out of the friend group that's why i'm like why do you care how his feelings are i would tell everybody it doesn't have to necessarily be you but your boyfriend can tell everyone like you said in the same type of way like either he needs to be kicked out of friend group or you get or you see how other people in the group are accepting of this and then you know those aren't the type of people you want to be around also like if you don't say anything he's

probably one he's probably doing this to other women anyway but like if you don't say anything then it will keep happening and i'm not saying like it's on you to stop the cycle but if you don't feel comfortable being around him and you want it to stop you have to say something yeah and you shouldn't like you said like i i don't think that he should be a part of this friend group anymore so like orchestrating how you say this to like not make it awkward or have the best possible outcome for how he treats you after throw that off the table like this is not uh oh you can have a do-over another chance like you've crossed the line on inappropriate and you shouldn't you know that that you know this is inappropriate like this is an active choice this isn't a

misunderstanding like you've crossed a line and i'm going to tell you why we are no longer hanging out with you i hope that you can learn from this to not do this to other people but there is not recovering in our relationship right and that's like where it should be and like you said like if the rest of the friend group is like cool with that and okay with that that speaks volumes on them and like as innocent or innocuous or whatever like it's just no like it's just it's uncomfortable and too far and if you cannot sense that you are making a woman uncomfortable that's a you fucking problem and nobody else needs to make that their problem like you are the problem and that needs to be cut out okay weirdo what a fucking weirdo and maybe it'll be like a slut

like a a slow fade thing from the friend group where like they some people might be hanging out with him individually still a little bit on the side before they like realize that but i think especially if the boyfriend if says it to the friend group first ahead of like if that's who the conversation is with because i think that like honestly i kind of think that's the most important conversation because like fuck this dude like this dude that conversation is a friendship ending one the conversation with the rest of the friends is how are we going to move forward as a friend group right this is like what always pisses me off with this when it's like oh he didn't know i'm like people your boyfriend is seeing this and going this makes me uncomfortable this obviously

makes you uncomfortable there there is a gauge there for that and i hope that the rest of the friends see and understand that time for don't blame them don't blame them this is where a listener will call in with their own advice pertaining to a call we've had on a previous episode so maybe they have personal experience maybe they just have some additional insight but this is i was gonna say it's kind of like phone a friend but it's like a friend phones you hi megan and melissa i'm a 26 year old female i'm calling in response to season 8 episode 16 the music teacher who wants to switch careers. I've been teaching for 12 years. It was my first job. I teach preschool. It's basically all I know. But when I left for college, I left and I went to

pastry school and I came back because I love to teach. I miss the kids. It's kind of hard. You know, you have that passion to get out of it when you're in it. But with COVID, I've been starting to feel burnt out. But luckily, with my pastry degree, I had to do an internship. And so I have another job catering and I've worked there for five years and I think I've had that opportunity to kind of like find out more about myself and build a different life outside that opportunity to kind of like find out more about myself and build a different life outside of teaching and like you guys said I think it's important to kind of I think it would be good to dip your toes into something else if it were like music lessons to stay in somewhere where you're so interested

and you have so much passion because like now seeing that I have the passion for teaching I also have the passion for the wedding industry and I really started to love going to work there where it's something so different and I'm not so burnt out all the time. And, you know, it's kind of allowing myself to grow in a different way that I haven't been able to yet and find sides of myself that I haven't been able to. So I think that trying something new, even if it's not music-related, if you need to keep the job for the school year, trying music lessons on the side or, you know, dipping your toes into a different field

while you're still finishing out the school year would be a great idea just to help you grow and find out who you are as a person. Thank you so much. I love the podcast. I've been waiting to call in for a long time and I think this is it for me. Love you guys.

Bye. I like her. Me too. Yeah. No, I think that's a great call finding who... It's so like insane to me how horribly teachers are paid, how all-consuming it is as a career that it's so important,

regardless of whatever your career is, to have some sense of yourself without your career. But when you have a career that's really hard to leave at the door and also one that's really horribly paid, it's a lot of hoops to kind of jump through for that, which is why I think it's inevitable so many teachers face a lot of burnout.

but I think that's a great call and I think in another life I would have loved to be a preschool teacher and pastry like that does seem very you I've always said like I was gonna I would love to teach like kindergarten or preschool I think everybody should be having those outlets but especially teachers and especially at this time it's just too fucking much so I hope that helped for that caller and i think someone also posted in the facebook group about that call i think so too yeah so if that original caller if you are not in the facebook group and you request throw that in there or send us a dm so i can like know who you are so i can like make sure to go read your application get in the facebook group so you can see that stuff i have not been good

at accepting people to the facebook group finding a lot of people but not accepting anyone because it takes a lot of time it does we do basically full background checks on all and it is and to be fair since we have done that there's not so much monitoring and there's a lot of like even less self-policing in the group because like there's just less room for error yeah people uh well so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 Six international listeners send us an audio message at megapodcast at gmail.com. All the same things I said at the beginning apply. If you want to check out our merch, it is available.

We always have it listed in the show notes as well as on our Instagram, which you should go follow, TikTok, all of that kind of stuff. And if you are interested in supporting the show, we are on Patreon. For a dollar a month, you can see all the video versions of the podcast. And then for $5, we do Zoom hangouts twice a month. they're really fun and it's a great way to like be social without leaving touching anyone exactly and like we've like gotten to know everyone really well which is really fun and you everyone who's a part of it has gotten to know each other and all that and like made friends so it's a great time

and it's only five dollars a month but it's also just helps support the show so we can keep doing it yeah anything you want to specifically promote just follow my instagram diamond imprint production my business Instagram and my personal too. Now follow all of our socials. Yeah. Oh, and my book paperback order it today. Get up, get ahead of it. It's very cute. I'm on the cover. I'm very excited about it. Think about it like Pokemon. Even if you have the hard cover, got to catch them all. I got it. Will you sign mine? Sure. I'll lick it when I'm healthy. No, thank you. i take it back okay i'll just sign it with my blood no i'll pass out okay anything else that's it okay that is it wear your mask get vaccinated don't kill anybody and break up with

your boyfriend if they suck or girlfriend girlfriend or or your or a non-binary partner break up with somebody today it could be just a friend it could be it could be your bad hair stylist there's someone in your life that you need to break up with i want you to do some reflecting and journaling and then figure it out it might be an expired foundation like fucking break up break up with somebody today bottle of ketchup in a refrigerator that's been expired for a year a good time we will see you all next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by

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