Don't Blame Me! - S8E19: Lying About Your Life

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Employee always talking about her toxic boyfriend Boyfriend's sister is a bitch Being there for your depressed friends Don't Blame Them: Boyfriend doesn't believe in feminism Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me    Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me this is yet another one that we are not recording in person sadly and the people who are not recording in person it is me hi megan and i'm joined by my co-host melissa hello how are you doing what's new I'm good I directed an audiobook this morning oh you are so productive but it's a good book it's a book on anxiety for teenagers so I am enjoying it I could have used that as a teenager I think it would be very applicable to adults as well I used to just think I was shy but then I was like but I'm not this is so confusing because I'm like outgoing I'm an extrovert, but I was like, why am I petrified all the time? And I was like, oh, anxiety.

Mine was, everyone would tell me I was shy, but I just didn't want to deal with people. And I wasn't, I didn't actually think I was shy, but people would tell me. So then I started to believe it. But then I was like, I'm not, I just don't like you. And some things haven't changed. Yes. You've remained exactly the same. There was also like, I hope it's still not like that, for a long time like shy was like an insult too yeah that's how it was and it it really did something to me like and then people saying like you're quiet that felt like an insult too and it's like i'm not quiet i just don't talk if there's no need to talk and also there's like women are either told that they're too quiet or they're too loud and i'm like just what do you

want we're the opposites i'm sure oh no i was always told that i was too loud talked a lot i was the kid who like my seating arrangement in every class like i would change seats like my teacher would like have to rearrange the seating like every week because i just would talk to a wall i would talk to anything i believe it's the adhd and back then it was unmedicated so but let me give the spiel about our show we are an advice show don't blame me you call in you leave us voicemails and then we give you life-changing life-altering amazing wonderful advice and what we lack foreign credentials we make up for in opinions got it i didn't know if you were throwing it to me but i got it i was ready this time it's true i tried to point in

frame there's a little delay so i know we are getting back in the swing of like doing it like digitally or like socially distant for some time and the lag i forgot about the lag how are you doing uh you know i have been better i'm officially negative from covid which is awesome would i say all of my symptoms went away not at all it's not going to unfortunately and I knew that I think I just I mean I've had like a shit show of the last two weeks at like the second that my like fever was gone and the like really like I don't know like the constant very aware symptoms that you have where it's like the chills the cough as soon as that was gone my body reminded me like by the way remember how you've had cramps for almost two months like we're still here and I

was like great and the smell is kind of somewhat a little bit coming back there's like taste kind of like faintly comes in and out we're on a positive trajectory already with like getting some senses back which is nice but the brain fog is killing me and I already like regularly deal with brain fog from like depression anxiety but like mostly adhd like that's like a very everyday predominant thing that i have to deal with but this on top of it is just i posted on my instagram story i forgot what number came after six like no i and i remembered eventually like within like 20 seconds but I was like it's just like being drunk and hung over and jet lagged and like you haven't slept in like days and you're completely exhausted and it's just like my brain feels like

absolute mush and I'm just like very very very like lethargic and tired all of the time but when I think about like I've been sick besides like the positive I got the positive test almost four weeks ago and it doesn't feel like that much time has passed at all which is very odd but happy to be vaccinated and the fact that like things are already starting to come back and like every day it gets a little bit easier is really really nice and uh the long haul covid symptoms were something i was absolutely like terrified of and so you know knowing that even within four weeks things have already started to like get better makes me feel great but get vaccinated wear your masks everybody I 10 out of 10 do not recommend

but yeah you know it's a journey what about you what's new with you how are you just my audio book that's it and you've been moving in to your new place how are you liking it so far yeah I love it I love that I can like yesterday well Sunday really was the first day that I really just like instead of doing work in my bed I worked all day in my office and I did that yesterday too and it was really nice and I'm still I still have a lot of stuff in my kitchen and bathroom to unpack but I've got like couching and my dining room table that was supposed to be here three weeks ago we'll finally supposedly be here tomorrow or thursday matz's mom told him that like apparently like because there's so many like shipping delays and stuff that like

she was like we should all order all of our christmas presents in by the end of october because like things are so delayed because just like car goes delayed i think it depends on what you're getting but yeah i agree right that's well and it makes sense because i was trying to figure I like forgot about this because I lost a bottle of Adderall. I didn't know I lost. So like when I was trying to get my refill, then I like stopped like checking in on it because I was like, oh, I found some that I forgot about or I didn't see, even though it's where I keep my Adderall anyway. And I just got the notification yesterday. They like, oh, your RX is ready. And I looked that I filled that or like my psychiatrist called to fill that prescription. And they told me like,

hey we're working on it like a month ago and I was like wow and it usually takes I would say like sometimes it's like 15 minutes from the time that she calls by the time that it's ready and like maximum 24 hours maybe 48 if that and I was like holy shit wow my thing was with my table they lost it so I don't know the couch is coming from a different company and it's actually coming earlier. Also, I want to say that furniture is a scam. Yes. A huge scam. I highly recommend everyone, if you're looking for something, take a screenshot of it and put it in Google Images because prices, you can look at a high-end store and they have gouged the prices for the exact same thing that's on a lower-end store. Even my old couch, I was looking at what I paid for it.

i've had that couch for like six years now and i found it because i'm gonna eventually sell it and i found it on other websites for like five times as much for what i paid for i'm not like furniture is a scam as i've been looking and finding furniture if you can do it try to find it direct from the manufacturer but it's very hard to do that because they won't sell to you but you can find it on Lower Insights for the exact same thing. Yeah, that's how I got my console in my living room. I forget where I saw it, but I like found,

I did reverse Google image search and then I did like the SKU number and all of that and was able to like find that like, it was like on these places selling for like $600 and I got it from like a manufacturer that didn't have a like bulk order minimum. You could just do one and I had to pay like more in shipping because of that.

but like it was like 120 dollars and i was like it's ridiculous it is well i already said this is advice podcast but if you want to call in and be on an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you have to be 18 or over have your parents permission and we ask that you give us all the details let us know your pronouns the pronouns of people in it be a story or whatever you're asking us but write it down practice you only have three minutes or you will be cut off not by us snip snip bitch so write it down practice pull out the timer on your phone make sure it's under three minutes and make sure you're including valuable and crucial

information think of the other episodes if you just like listen back find some calls that we've said are great find some calls where you hear us being like i wish i knew this apply that to your situation and include all of that stuff because then you might be getting a diamond from melissa which is the highest stamp of approval here fancy fancy fancy let's get into the calls oh we're not going to do an update this episode because like i said at the beginning my brain fog is horrendous and these episodes take a lot out of us so to preserve my mental sanity and in hopes that we can record two episodes today we are not going to do an update for this episode and i hope you all understand except for rachel i'm pretty sure rachel left a new comment yes and it's in the same

format as the other ones you're just using at the source to change your words so rachel be more creative honestly like if anybody wants to see like what we're speaking about go look at our reviews on the podcast app please i mean go leave us a nice review but you will see that like the last like 10 to 15 negative reviews are all from the same person who is just so butthurt and truly what she is very upset about is that she is a republican should we since we're here let's read a nice review since we're talking about it you want to do it yeah okay the last one advice but make it like therapy from ali assuming i love this podcast i listen to it while i'm working and i feel like i am jabbing my jaws i've never heard

of that phrase and giving advice to my friends such a fun idea and makes me so happy to just listen to questions and advice that i've always thought about for those who claim they're too political how can you not be political in this day and age if you disagree with their opinions you're probably just a conservative that's infringing on people's rights i love the answer shuttle shade to Rachel thank you Ellie I die I'll play call one hi Megan and Melissa I am calling because I need advice about a co-worker I am 21 use she her pronouns and I am the store manager the co-worker in question is my assistant manager who is in her early 20s and uses she her pronouns and her boyfriend who is also in his early 20s and uses he him pronouns

so basically this girl has been working with me for maybe three months max and she is just way too open with me her and her boyfriend have been together for a couple months and he treats her so so bad he's cheated on her he's an alcoholic there was even an incident where he went missing for days and was using her card to buy alcohol but wasn't answering his phone at all all she does is talk shit about him and then goes and visits him every weekend because they are long distance you know I don't care that's her life she can do what she wants but what I'm asking advice on is how to set a boundary with her like I said I haven't been working with her for very long like I literally don't know how old she is like I literally don't I can't stress how little

of a relationship we have she just talks to me about her boyfriend all the time it's so mentally draining for me to go to work every day knowing I have to sit there and listen to this I even left the work group chat of us managers and the casual co-workers because she kept sending videos about him she even sent a video to one of my workers of her crying like it's just so unprofessional like I don't care if she wants to stay with a shitty guy that's her choice but there's a level of professionalism that I expect at work being the manager and obviously I'm not in a position to give her advice it's so hard coming to work every day I try and make a fun and positive environment as I do with my own mental health issues but at the moment I just cannot keep

dealing with this every single day so how do I set that boundary with her that I'm not her friend I can't be there for her in that way while also not being rude or anything because obviously we do work together every day I don't want to be mean to her I'm just trying to set a boundary for my own mental health please help me I love the show by the way I really look forward to the advice thank you so much your voice is pleasing to my ears like I think I got like the little ASMR type tingles in my ears from that's a big deal her voice I I mean my first instinct is you're the manager can you schedule her to work with somebody else but they're as as the manager though. Yeah. But it seems like there's other managers. It is your job to set the boundaries

at work. So I would first talk to, with the other managers, because I think you said there were other managers there too, and see how they're, how they feel about it. And then let them know, let the other people know that this is unprofessional. And then you guys need to set boundaries at work as a managerial team. Then have a general meeting with everyone and say that this is a professional environment and let's not bring our personal lives into our professional environments. And then after that, if she keeps doing it, then have a one-on-one talk with her that this isn't appropriate for the workplace. Yeah. No, I agree with everything. I think if you kind of you and the rest of the managers like you said kind of propose it like um hey everybody

and like hopefully she'll pick up on like we're really really specifically talking to you like you can just say like and if there's where i totally find people being friends outside of work but like keep those conversations we can't have those in any way be affiliated with our job so that applies to the group chat as well as while we are working it's just like unprofessional and like I don't know if you guys work with like clients or something but like maybe you could like blame it on that like we've had people say something and like we really need to like crack down on it and then you can also kind of like include yourself in the game of being like we all need to do this including us and that kind of a thing but yeah I agree if she doesn't change or

pick up on it then like it's a full sit down talk where it's like hey seems like you are going through something and I think that like you should be able to open up to somebody about that and like I understand talking about it is great this is not the place to do this and like you specifically as the caller and be like and I'm not the person to do this with I don't have the capacity for this like I don't know what you're like if you have any close friends or like anyone else you can talk to about this but like my plate is full and like I can't be there for you in the way I think you want me to and I just want to put that up front so I'm not disappointing you and like this can't be done at work here and so I really hope that you can seek out somebody else to have this conversation

with right and you don't even like her so like at the end of the day like if she doesn't like you this is unprofessional and like she might just be mad because like she's not going to be able to do this anymore and that has nothing to do with you i think this is one of those situations that's like you have to kind of go out of your way to be an asshole because for you to be wrong because she's in the wrong so if she's upset that's on her like going out of your way to coddle her feelings and all of that like you are right she is wrong don't worry about like being mean because i think you'd have to really intentionally be very mean in order to like shift the blame on this right this would drive me fucking crazy i've been in the situation but i wasn't a man it was like when i was like in

high school and college i wasn't a manager this was also at a time where i didn't care about where i was working so i would just quit or just not show up but this is different because the caller's the manager i've never really had co-workers not tcby i worked with like a manager once i mean no i worked with one manager who like trained me she was the one who like timed me washing knives and I was and she's going to tell me I had a future in yogurt and I was like Maria I'm out and I'm offended um and then I worked with like one I think one other manager who was like really chill and like a stoned college student and I was like this is so much better but I was always with Maria yeah I wasn't about it and then the only other like quote-unquote real

job I had besides babysitting I worked at the like snack shack at like our local pool but it was just me so I could just like make out with my boyfriend. Hi Megan, I am 26 years old and I was hoping that you could help me with a problem that I am experiencing. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little bit over a year and a half now and when we first started dating we became really close really fast. So he was in a different state than his both of his parents and his siblings. So when they all get together it's a pretty big deal when they all end up you know getting together for a family reunion. His parents are divorced, so whenever we go visit his family, we have to split up our

time between both his mom and his dad. The issue isn't splitting up our time between the parents, but it's with his siblings. So he is the middle child of his older sister and younger brother, and I have experienced seeing his older sister be very intimidated and very rude to the rest of their family. She is the oldest, and I am also the oldest of my younger brother and I. She has never been rude to me personally, but I have seen her be verbally abusive to both my boyfriend and their younger brother. When she doesn't get her way, she lets her opinions be very known, and I have seen what she writes on text messages to them and what she has said in person. Her comments drive me up the absolute wall, and to be quite frank, she's just really, really, really a bitch.

I have been friends with a lot of my exes, siblings, whether they are older or younger, brother or sister, so this is very new for me. How do I go about trying to like my boyfriend's older sister without making a snap judgment all the time and getting a gut feeling that I never want to see her when I'm around them? If you could please help me with this, I would really appreciate it, especially with the holidays coming up. I look forward to hearing from you. Bye.

I mean, you're not going to like her. and like that's okay so I think you just have to get used to being around somebody you don't like versus trying to like someone that you don't like does your boyfriend think she's a bitch because like there is something great about like going to a family event or going somewhere with someone dealing with all of the shit throughout the day knowing that like your pillow talk is just like both of you going to be like commiserating together about her if he's very vocal about like disliking her with that kind of stuff like you can ask him how comfortable he feels about like you sharing your feelings with him but you have to toe a line because like that's his family

and his sibling unless he wants to like go no contact and like is done with her but I think that like this is just mostly coming from a place for you like you used to be friends with your ex's siblings and maybe you thought that that's how you envisioned maybe like this relationship you're seeing very long term and like all of that and this is something that you've like you said I've never had to deal with and now it's kind of changing what you kind of saw for your life but I think the the first step is talking to your boyfriend asking him how he feels about this and like just saying like is there anything I can do like in the moment like how can I be there for you when she's if she's saying something like that like does that hurt your feelings like

what's the best thing that I can do for you but you know my biggest tip for spending time with people that you don't like is bring a hobby that's not your phone that is either a book or knitting or like crochet or coloring or something that you can physically do just to like distract you but also like gives you just something to do with your hands which i find if i'm like getting annoyed or something is helpful in like redirecting that or at least like dispersing that so i don't like explode but some people just suck even though she didn't ask for my opinion um uh yeah some people just suck and you don't have to be friends with everyone You can just tolerate her and be around her and just know that she's somebody that when

you go to holiday events, she's going to be there. She exists, but that doesn't mean you have to engage with her beyond just being surface level friendly. And he says she hasn't done anything to you. So just stick with that. Also, if your boyfriend, it doesn't seem like he's complaining about it. Is he? She didn't mention it.

No, she didn't mention it. So maybe he's just used to it and he's fine with it. And that's just the dynamic that she has with the family. So even though it irritates you, you're just not used to what the family dynamic is. And it's fine. They might all think that she sucks and she's rude and mean, but that's still their family. So they're fine with it. Yeah.

If you want to take a positive spin on it, every family needs that, like needs some drama and she's the drama. like that's where the drama is and like talk about her and like complain about her with your therapist or bitch about her to your friends like do all of that kind of stuff like but make sure that like after you have a singular conversation with your boyfriend about where he stands on his relationship with her and how he wants your relate like what he wants and how what he wants out of the situation with you and her and like what he wants you to do then take the bitching to third parties who are not related to her or involved with her at all but i will say the more you bitch

about somebody the more that they are on your brain right and the more that you are going to hate her like if you can just like sometimes the best best thing for those kinds of people is just indifference because it sounds like what she's trying to do is like cause a riot cause a stir out of people and you guys have only been dating for a year and six months like you said you don't necessarily know the family dynamic you also don't know her history and family dynamic like I think you're comparing yourself to her because you're also an only I mean you're also the oldest child but there could be a lot of reasons why like this is why she acts out or whatever and the best thing that you can do is just pretend as if she is not doing any of those things

because like she's trying to get a rise out of people and you are the perfect audience member because you're not used to her shit. You'll probably have the most facial reaction or she's probably gauging how you are responding the most and that just can fuel the fire. So if you just pretend that like she's not doing anything crazy,

she's being completely normal, like there is no like passive, there is none of that stuff. Like you were just completely unfazed by it. Not only will that help you be less annoyed by it, but I think it'll get her to like not do that as much. Being unbothered is kind of the best revenge in these situations.

Right. It's not really revenge though because she's not attacking her. Yeah. Nothing that the sister is doing is in, she's not doing anything to the caller. It's just the caller is observing how she treats other people.

So it's not even revenge or anything. You just gotta let her be. Yeah, let her do her own shit because also imagine like on the off chance that like this comes from like a very serious like trauma response place or whatever and then you've misjudged this whole situation you've painted other people as a victim and like her as like the bully in all of the situation you'd feel really bad like you just don't know and it's passing passing judgment on like how people treat their family it's hard because you care about him but if he's okay then that's it but if he's not

okay then it's also having a conversation with him about being like do you want to try and schedule going home when she's not there like or how about like what can i do to assist you if she starts talking like how about we just go take a walk and like we just get up and we don't entertain that like create a plan with him if like he feels like he needs that right but what would a family be without some drama right you have someone who come who came to your mind immediately when it was like there's a person in the family with drama who's like you did you think of someone from your family yeah everybody has those and it would be a little less colorful without them you'd have a little less shit to talk right all right let's take a break okay we're gonna take a quick

break and we'll be right back we are back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm 25. My pronouns are she, her. All my friends are depressed. I have three best friends, and all of them are going through it. I feel really bad, and I want to be there for them, but everybody's pushing me away

and not answering my calls or texts, and they're basically ghosting me. They were there for me this past year when I was going through a lot. to your warning gonna end it all but because of their support I got through it and I'm doing amazing now I got a job I love and I want to talk about it but I hold back because two of them I really stressed out at their jobs and one is unemployed I've also been in the gym a lot reaching a lot of like goals but I have to hide it because one of them's having serious health problems. And I don't blame them for cutting me off because depression is real. I know it. But when I'm depressed, I want to talk about it. And they're different and they don't. And I

respect that. I've tried talking, offered to help them find a therapist, told them the process that I went through, whatever. But at this point, I feel annoying. So I fall back. I feel selfish and needy because of how lonely i am without them and i even offered to fly someone out like i'm so desperate i'm so desperate they're really your friends with me and i feel shitty that i can't help them and i feel even shittier because of how codependent i am and i see that how do i help people who don't want to be helped and also how do i be less needy help me please p.s i'm a i mean you can't help anybody who doesn't want to be helped i think like you're really self-aware that like you know all of this like you're like i know that like it really helped me

to talk about it and it doesn't help them to talk about it and i think this is like she's like trying to talk to them about it yeah so i think like i mean this in the kindest way possible but I think you might feel like you know and and and I think it's because you came out of this really dark period and you've come out on top and like like you said you're really thriving and you're really happy with your life and you're you're doing all of these things that you're really proud of and you know the steps that it took for you to get there and they don't want to take those steps but I think you're seeing those as the only steps and so like you're kind of partially respecting how they feel but simultaneously i'm for them it might come across as a little like

patronizing and i know better than you like in a well no let's do this thing and this thing and i think you hear them but i don't think you're necessarily listening because like you can hear and recognize that talking about it right now does not help them but you have to listen to that and then be like respect their wishes with that and that's not them succumbing to it that's not them like not trying it's just that everybody is different and what they need but also what they need at what time so I wouldn't say that like them not wanting to talk is a forever thing but that is where they're at right now. And if you push them, that they're not going to feel comfortable to talk when they want to talk if they want to talk and like, I'm like self sufficient

to like a fault like I am like not ask people for help thing. I completely understand. I have to process my shit before I'm going to let anyone in talk about it with anybody like, and that's not the wrong way to do it. And if I talked about it way too early, if I talked about it immediately and did all of that, that actually wouldn't help me. And I think like, that's what you have to recognize that like, just because it worked for you could actually be completely detrimental to the journey that they're on in working through this stuff themselves. But I think also the other side of this is that, and I don't mean this in a negative way at all. I think everybody's been there you are finally out of this really dark part of your life and you are really happy and

you want to be around other people who you can celebrate this with and that doesn't make you a bad person at all you just need to find those people because they your friends right now they are not that and you don't have to repay them for them being there for you and helping you through like you are helping them by respecting their wishes but you should have friends that you can talk about your job with and like like gym stuff all of that you should have that and I think this is like a square peg round hole situation that like you need to meet their needs and they also need to meet your needs but that's like friends in general and like these friends can't meet your needs right now. And you need to find some friends and not abandon these ones, but find some friends

and some people who can meet those needs right now. Because I think that like, especially when you get out of a really dark place, it's important to celebrate that and be around other people who you can celebrate that like with. Yeah, I completely agree with everything that you had to say basically it's like you're trying the caller is trying to fix everyone else because you've been you've healed from what you're going through and you can't like if somebody if you're going to someone and you're like suggesting therapy and they already told you that they don't want to talk about it in that way you can't keep doing that you can't you like megan said you know everything that you know how they feel towards these things but you're still trying to do them

so you just have to let them go on their own journey and also you need new friends and I'm not saying get rid of your old friends you keep them but you need friends that you can have a good time with and have fun with and like Megan said share what you're going through now and so i think for you you still be there if your other friends come to you for support you're still there for them you still talk to them however regularly you do but don't bring up things that they do not want to talk about and then have a different relationship with other friends that you should make yeah you are lonely you say you were lonely so it feels like you are in a place where you need to make new friends. And it sounds like you're in therapy and like therapy is a great

place to work on codependency and like those kinds of things and make sure that you are giving yourself the accurate amount of credit for getting yourself out of that place that you were in. Your friends were there for you, but your friends didn't do that for you. And so I think that like you're attributing a lot of this success to your friends and you did a lot of work to like help yourself get through this. You did the vast majority of the work and you don't have to do that for other people. And like, we all shift how we treat people based on their needs. And like, like you said, like, if you keep bringing that shit up, I've had friends who like, I've been on the receiving end and I've been on like the giving end of it. And when I was on the receiving

end of like one person who like just kept like being like, I think you should go see. And I was like, I'm going to lose my mind. Like I've told you 10,000 fucking times. Like, why does it seem like this doesn't feel like you care about me anymore because like I've told you how I feel I've told you like that I know I'm not ready to do that and I don't want to do that or whatever and then when I eventually did talk to him what go to my therapist and talked about it they were like yeah if you're not ready this is a waste of money like if you're not ready to do any of this kind of stuff like a lot of people will try and fast track and give you the cheat sheet because they've already been through all of that but it's you start fresh every time like it's a new journey

every time even if you've gone through it before there isn't like a set way to get out of it and get on the other side but yeah therapy is a great thing to work through codependency especially like in your early 20s with friends codependency and friendships i think can make like a huge huge huge toll it just gets really hard and i think it's something that you can really work on right but happy you're here happy you got through that and i'm looking forward to you making some new friends make new friends but keep the old one is silver the other's gold wow that is beautiful you should put that on a mug yeah thank you what a poet all right hi megan and melissa i am 24 year old scorpio and i've called in a couple times this

about a breakup where we had a lot of like financial issues and drama about repeatedly breaking up just as a little backstory oh and just to preface this y'all can be mean to me I can take it I'm fine I'm Scorpio my issue is that I'm currently lying to like everyone that I know but I legit only talk to my mom my sister and my boyfriend like I don't have a lot of other friends outside of that. And I dropped out of college again after going last year, but was like too ashamed, I guess, of the reaction I would get from my mom and my sister. So then leading them to believe that I've been in school for the past couple months. I don't go out of my way to bring it up, but if they mention something, I do like, I do lie about it. I don't know. I might go

back next semester, but if not, I guess I'll just tell them that I stopped in January. I feel were crazy saying all this. Secondly, and this may be a bit of a red flag, I am back together with my boyfriend from previous calls. But I haven't told them anything about that at all. On a little update there, we did get back together like over a month ago. And things have been different. Like they have been better, like with the financial things and money. And like he did buy a car now, so he's not sharing mine. And just, I don't have that like trapped or anxious feeling that I used to get all the time with him and so just another issue he also thinks that my family knows we're back together and since we have like been off and on for so many years since high school he's always

tagged along to like family events and come to my mom's house and stuff yeah i've just been taking excuses or once again lying so that they haven't interacted i definitely need to get back into therapy but if you guys have you know some tough love or advice i deeply appreciate it i love you guys so much um thanks for listening oh and hi melissa's sister who listens to the calls bye it pains me because we love you like i literally just wrote your name with a heart we've talked to you a few times huh well okay let's address the relationship stuff first just because okay that's where you want to go first i want to go first because this has been on the calls before yes yes and here's the thing you are going to make your own decisions you are a grown

up and you are the only person who can decide if somebody who has hurt you is worth a second chance because like it has nothing to do with anybody besides you so if things are better and it's going great cool that's awesome we'll always be happy for you if you are happy but the red flag that comes up to me is that these are two major lies that you have been telling people or haven't been sharing withholding and that to me makes me think that you are you are you are not super confident in your decision with getting back together because you can forgive someone or whatever and like that's the shit where it's like i'm not asking for your opinion i'm not lying to anyone about it like i know my decision i've made my decision like this has nothing to do with you

you don't have that confidence about this, which makes me think you've second-guessed it a lot and you have a lot of holdups. And maybe even shame that you're back with them. Because I think if the change was so night and day that nobody could deny it, I think you would want to show that to your family. I think you're afraid that he hasn't actually changed so much that anybody is going to like change their tune on him and i just want to say that that is possible people can have feel some way about someone and that person can have made like a complete 180 and changed how other people perceive them or change who they are all of that kind of stuff and it doesn't sound like you think that he will do that with them and i think it's because he

hasn't really done that. Right. Just knowing the way that he was with you before and knowing how he treated you. And it wasn't just the financial things. There are other things. I won't bring them up since you didn't specify them, but you know what we're referring to. I just want to ask you this. What kind of self-work has he done to overcome those things? Like him getting a car. that's one thing but is he putting a band-aid on the other things and showing his best face until you guys are settled and he's gained your trust again and then he shows who he was before so my main thing is what kind of work has he done on himself what kind of self-work have you done in this time that's true because this you guys have been on and off for so long that you've

slipped back into something that's comfortable it's not impossible but i think it would be a miraculous coincidence if both you and him did all of this self-work and were able to come back together and i think if that was the case and like it was a complete change and shift and everything I think you'd be really proud of that and I think you would want to share that with your family on to the college thing my unpopular opinion maybe it's not unpopular I don't see that much wrong with that I think like with the liner was dropping out well I mean we know how I feel about dropping out of college yeah I think you need to understand like well something my therapist always says is that like we don't consciously make bad decisions we make bad decisions that we think are the right

choice at the time or are the one that is easiest for us to make at the time or self-preservation but like we don't make bad choices consciously knowing that they are bad choices so there was a reason why you lied and didn't tell them that and you said it was their disappointment if their disappointment and all of that which I think you should definitely get back in therapy and like work on that but I think like it will be a lot easier for you to handle that by re-enrolling and pretending like nothing happened and then saying it a couple years like a while down the road when you feel more comfortable to do so I don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as you're paying for it if your mom is paying for it that's where it can get sticky

because like that's like a bigger issue yeah my thing is like if you're planning on getting a degree taking the break is fine I understand why you would lie because of the disappointment but if you're not planning on getting your degree and they're paying for it or even if you're not getting planning on getting a degree and they're not paying for it the lie is going to have to continue and what are you going to do come when you're supposed to graduate that is true yes so you're going to have to tell them eventually if you're not planning on getting a degree. If you are planning on getting a degree, it could just be like, you know, you didn't take as many credits this semester, blah, blah, blah. So it's taking you longer. So if you're not planning on getting,

you've got to come up with a game plan about how you're going to tell them and have the information laid out as to why you're not going to finish and let them know that this was a decision that you made that's best for you. Yeah. And I think like, if you need to fudge the timeline, do whatever you need to do for you. It's a hard conversation to broach. And like, you have to do what's not only best for you and your like safety, but also like your mental well being and protecting yourself from their judgment and disappointment. If that's not something that you can like handle right now do whatever you can to mitigate that to anticipate how it's going to be so it's like okay well i'm not going to say this so like let me find the

best way to say this fudge the timeline i don't think there's anything wrong with that but yeah if you're not going to go back you have to do that and you know you could rip it all off at once and say like i dropped out of college and by the way we're back together i don't know depending on the situation because they might like they might be like oh did you drop out because of him that is true i mean i think the combination of these two things and you hiding both of these things doesn't sound like you were really confident in your decisions and you're really worried about what other people are thinking and if you were confident in those choices when it comes to the relationship i don't know how close you are with your mom and your sister but from our other

calls. He said they were pretty close. Yeah. So to me, this sounds like you are doing things that are not good for you and potentially out of character. And these are the two people in your life who are going to call you out on it or who are really going to hold you accountable and to know you the most. So it might feel daunting to tell them the truth because they're going to see through this kind of stuff but you know I'm a dropout so I have no issue with people dropping out of college I don't have the issue I don't have an issue no yeah dropping off it's just like how long are you planning to lie yeah and his mom and sister are close like they've helped them out of the situation and so it's just like the lies are going to catch up eventually so it's either

going to be you deal with it now or you deal with it later yeah and I think that there's just been so much backtracking with this and I think like what you really need is like a fresh start and like maybe that's a different school and not being with him like this just it feels like you're in a just a circle of this kind of thing and like it's not ending up how you want it to and you deserve a lot there are some things that like people can improve on and like get that do you know what i mean and like if this was going to be a coming back together thing i would think it's after you've been married to other people you got divorced you're in your like early 50s and you see each other and like you've lived entire lives and learned so many lessons between

and there has been some time that has obviously passed between your breakup but that time was a pandemic and I think a lot of us slipped into unhealthy toxic old habits that are simultaneously comforting and self-sabotaging and you have self-sabotaged your life and ended up in this place where you're like fuck I'm in over my head I have all these lies floating around and all of this kind of stuff but the subconscious you created this chaos for you and I think it's maybe comforting because it's what you're used to or subconsciously you think it's what you deserve and you want them to be upset with you and you want them to be disappointed in you because like you're disappointed in yourself but it'll hurt more if they're disappointed in you I can't

recommend therapy enough this reminds me a lot of anxious attachment style but something my therapist told me that i basically would i would self-sabotage my life so things wouldn't end up the way that i wanted them to or whatever but i chose that going into it so then i could be upset at like quote-unquote outside forces or these situations versus actually working on myself and recognizing why i was constantly doing these this kind of habit of like chaotic behavior and yeah it's a cycle that it's hard to break out of but you got to break out of it or you're just going to keep ending up back where you started right and you deserve so much more you're so sweet you're so sweet like you are the best and cute you are like such a fucking catch like you are the best

and like you do not deserve like this crusty fucker like you are born born crusty die unless they have actually worked on themselves and you've done some work too but you wouldn't be calling us if that was the case, you know, it would have been a happy update. Yeah. And I would love to be wrong. I just think that, you know, how we were going to feel. And I think it's because that's probably how you feel too. And we're kind of like the bridge to get you there to tell your mom and sister. Yeah. You know, what would be a great way to tell your mom and sister? I'm partially kidding. But you basically come home. You're like, I have something to tell you i fucked up we got back together i'm like so heartbroken like we broke up like i made a mistake

i shouldn't have done that like i fucked up i just like hid it from you because i was a shit blah blah blah and they're like feeling so bad for you and then you're like and i dropped out of college and i just and like but he hasn't broken up with a boyfriend you would have to break up with him for this to happen but like while you're mid crying and you're like you tell about school yes i would honestly wait for the school thing since you said you might be going back next semester i would just wait wait it out yeah if you don't go back you have to tell them because they're expecting graduation at some point that's true and also is he influencing your decision either way that's why i said if you told them that you're back together and you

dropped out of school are they gonna ask is he the reason it's true but if you break up with him and then they're feeling bad for you and you're sad then you lay on the other information really quickly and they can't be like they have to postpone their anger with you because they're already comforting you mind tricks oh well we love you and you deserve the world time for don't blame them whoo okay so don't blame them this is where a listener will call me with their own advice from a different episode so maybe they heard a caller and they related to their situation they had a similar story they had a friend who went through something similar or they just have some of their own advice hey megan and melissa i'm calling for don't blame them in response to

the girl whose boyfriend is a feminism denier on season 8 episode 16 i go by she her pronouns and i'm in my late 20s so i've been in this exact situation where during a conversation in my last relationship, feminism came up and my ex-boyfriend revealed that he didn't see a need for feminism. In his white man words, he said, we don't need feminism because we live in a well-off country where women have equal rights. So why should he be a feminist when males have it tough too? Among other things. I was shocked and I was in denial that anyone could actually believe that, especially not someone I loved. Because I was in denial, I tried reasoning with him. I tried explaining feminism, that it wasn't about hating men, how it's about equal rights. I explained how

feminism acknowledges how the patriarchy both favors men and at the same time, men suffer from the expectations that a patriarchal society outlines for them. It sounds like you're rightfully angry and experiencing some denial that someone you love could have beliefs so different from yours. I'm here to tell you that it is not your job to teach him why feminism is important and necessary. He isn't open-minded or motivated to listen to a woman's perspective, even his girlfriend's, and he feels attacked and threatened by the idea of gender equality. He mentioned regarding the vaccine situation that he feels attacked and threatened by others telling him what to do, period. Not getting vaccinated can literally kill other people. It perpetuates a

pandemic that is causing both physical and economic hardship for countless people throughout the whole planet. And he's chosen to make that about himself and how he just doesn't want to be told what to do. Even if he eventually got vaccinated, that's a fundamental awful quality and demonstrates that at his core, he's inflexible and he's selfish. Can he be angry about you downloading Bumble? Sure. But in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn't matter. Your gut has already told you how you feel and it's really disappointing, but you can't unknow that about him in my experience say you give this another chance this issue is going to resurface and based on how your conversation went this isn't something you're going to change his mind about maybe he

agrees with you eventually to placate you and stop arguing but this is a fundamental belief of his in my opinion you should end your relationship he has a poor value system if he wants a relationship with any woman in the future to work it's his job to do the legwork and learn why his fallacies about feminism are detrimental to himself you deserve so much better girl dump him yes diamond diamond a full diamond this felt like a like the intro to a thesis paper it genuinely did like i was enthralled like i almost forgot about like we had a call and we said shit i'm like wow this is interesting and I'm like oh I was there like I was just thinking you elevated that I also forgot about that call god I hate that fucker

no she's right dump him everything she said it was very well thought out she gave examples she had came from personal experience great don't blame them I can't imagine how jarring it would be to like find out that your partner is like fuck them i'd be like i feel like though that's something that should come up pretty early on in the relationship before i've had time to fall in love with them you know yeah no i would be like if like mods said that now i would be like you're you're joking like it's just you can't even imagine mods no fixing his mouth to even say that yeah he'll do that shit as a joke where he would see it in his eye like he has comedy in his eyes i can see that but that's it yes and he's just like so excited it's funny but yeah no this is

like i think that a lot of people who came into their own politically and socially in the last couple years especially people who are like just were able to vote recently you know i mean like all of this kind of stuff and have like gone to college informed your own political opinions and all of that kind of stuff or you grew up with like very strong political opinions and everybody aligned with you that like you either are not used to having those conversations early or you've never had to have them because like you were all on the same page but you always have to have those conversations not to like blame anybody like no woman should ever be in that situation at all but it's important moving forward like once you've been through that to like make sure when you start

dating people like i will find out their political beliefs before i wouldn't waste money on an uber i wouldn't waste an hour or 15 minutes like i'm not going on a date and asking your political opinions i'm finding out before i waste my time and i've had guys like no i'm definitely liberal and i met them in person and i remember i went out this one guy and i looked at him i go i don't think you're liberal he's like no no i am and i go nah nah i think i think you might be fiscally conservative you gotta ask more specific questions exactly he told me how he stole a street sign to put it above his bedroom door and i go um i remember this person yeah he also had like a bud like one of those like light up alcohol signs he was like oh i've got that in my room and i was

like how old was he probably like 26 or something i i know i never dated anyone on like over 30 i think 28 was like my cap even now looking on that I go Megan if you are vibing with a 28 year old when you are 22 that's not a 28 year old that's why I was asking because like I can understand somebody in college having those things but then no that's where my whole age thing comes from is that like now that I have gotten older I've recognized that like when I was like oh well I don't like to date guys my own age i like to date guys older it's not how anyone older acts like you're dating like someone who acts like they are younger that doesn't act like they're older that's just a weird power thing and probably girls their age don't want to date them

well that is our episode we hope you enjoyed if you want to check out the video version we're over on patreon only a dollar a month for four to five episodes a month which is literally 20 to 25 cents we also do live streams like literal zoom hangouts twice a month very fun if you want to join we would appreciate it you also want to follow us on our socials everywhere instagram our tiktok it's always linked as well as our own personal ones my paper a copy of my book is out if you want to go get it i have all the links on my socials as well and um anything you want to promote buy our merch oh yes and we've started seeing people get theirs which is very exciting follow me on instagram she is not melissa hell yeah oh and if you're listening this far

into the episode go leave a comment on our instagram that says this is for rachel and if you want to leave a podcast review go for it we appreciate it because like clockwork pretty much every other week Rachel is in there trying to tank our ratings so um leave us a review thank you and we'll see you all next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by Melissa DeMonts and Diamond and Print Productions. Edited by Coco Lawrence. Post-production sound by Chris Henry. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. Music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.