Don't Blame Me! - S8E2: He Doesn’t Understand Casual Sex

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Boyfriend's ex is creating drama Update: friends or just exes? Don't Blame Them: captain hook   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me yeah yeah this is no it's not the last one we're not in person but it's we're getting closer we are and closer oh i should also really interest we're an advice podcast uh my name is megan and i'm joined by my co-host melissa hello there i'm not a robot no it's imagine i'm doing a pot it's like me and my co-host is what's that like sex toy robot that's from the whitney cumming special sofia or is that a different one isn't hers just her name you're right hers is just the whitney one but the sofia is the other the one that got in a fight with uh chrissy teigen yes which probably warranted at this point yeah rough rough rough rough yeah we're an advice podcast you want to

call in you leave us voicemails and then we give you fantastic amazing life-changing advice and we're not professionals no no not at all um we are just two bitches with a fuck ton of opinions and we want to tell you how to live your life because you asked that's the thing we're not even tell you unless you didn't ask for it no we're not gonna call you and be like hey this is what you should do you call us and therefore you consent to our you know sometimes harsh but out of love advice what if we just like started randomly calling people that have called us we cold call like hey what's up with your or we just like it we stalk people on instagram we figure out what's going on in their lives and then we call them and we're like i know what's

happening you're making a fucking mistake what's up what's up uh if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com we ask that you are 18 or over have your parents permission you let us know your pronouns in the call you practice write down what you're going to say time it because it's got to be under three minutes and we want as much detail as possible only include your zodiac sign if literally you have like two seconds left at the very end and you want to but we need to know your age we need to know the age of everybody else involved we need to know if you're if about dating how long have you been dating do you live together have you said

i love you like all of those different things really factor in to the kind of advice uh or the best we can give the best advice that we know the most and we already know that everybody likes to tell the story to make themselves look the best so the more information you can give like we got to sift through that to begin with yeah i'm not a robot i can't i i'm dead uh you know maybe one day we'll have to like greet our new audience members because like they found us through tiktok but um soon as of now we've never been included in anyone's being like podcast you need to listen to i saw it we're only ever in the comments and did you see my comment to you i did okay oh i need to respond to it but i did see it um my leo ego is like thinking that like these

people are intentionally not including our podcast they just don't know yeah that's what i tell myself they'll know soon but you know maybe we'll start things people write like things about at their college newspaper about us we've been tagged or they've sent it to us on instagram oh that happened yeah it's happened a few times i see it and then i'll unread it so then you'll see it later oh is that what the unread messages are oh i'll go back and look i didn't know i didn't know i wasn't sure i told you this before you've told me that like with sir you definitely have i just forgot yeah no that does ring a bell yeah i'm not a robot a bell yeah she's not a robot she's a she's a real person like pinocchio wait is that i'm a real boy i'm a real boy i'm a real boy

why does that sound like mickey oh they all is it the same i don't is it like so i'm a real boy it's that that whole like 1950s type of yeah i think i actually don't even sound like pinocchio i sound like pinocchio from shrek i love have you seen track yes i've seen the whole thing no have i seen bits and pieces of it yes so you've only seen the first point i'm assuming bits and pieces i probably have seen it as a whole but can i tell you anything that happens i know that finola you know fiona what's her name fiona yeah finola i'm sorry there's a name fiona there's a name finola too finola hughes on general hospital plays excuse me excuse me um i have apologies i'm sorry to the general hospital community

i apologize to finola hughes i apologize finola hughes i think it just sounds like shinola and that's what i like the watch shinola so that's what my my brain went to so what were you saying um i don't remember something about oh I was going to say that I know that she's like a princess and then she chooses to be an ogre and that's the movie

there you go there's a jackass in there there's a cookie there's a person in boots the gingerbread scene is very intense at the beginning

I think so very intense very intense well we have an extra long update slash advice yes slash advice slash this is what you're gonna do checklist all of that so we thought that we would do that at the end of the show as opposed to the beginning of the show and then we're gonna do our calls up at the front to give enough time for that extra long update and more advice giving hi megan and melissa i love a podcast, and I'm super excited to find a reason to call in. So I'm 23, my boyfriend is 25, and we've been together for just over a year, and we've been long distance for eight months of that. He's

actually moving across the country to be near me in a couple of weeks. Just some backstory, I had one boyfriend before my current boyfriend, and we never slept together. And then right after I broke up with him, I went through a brief phase, and I slept with like three random hookups, and then I met my current boyfriend and he's my fourth partner my boyfriend has only had one partner before me it was his ex they only have sex a few times and I know that it never lasted very long he never finished and it was not very pleasurable and then we met pretty much as soon as they broke up the reoccurring issue that has come up in our relationship is my boyfriend's jealousy of my past sexual experiences and I know this like isn't super uncommon he doesn't try to make me feel

guilty about it it's just that he's jealous of the men i used to sleep with and he can't really understand like casual sex and how it can be just that surface level and not anything deeper so it's not even like he wishes that he had slept with other people i think part of the fact is that when he was in college most of his friends were saving themselves for marriage so sex was like put on this huge huge pedestal and he was an ra so he never really went to parties and he wasn't around hookup culture so it wasn't normalized for him and he's having a hard time understanding it and dealing with the fact that i had participated in the past the sex in our relationship is really awesome it's not getting boring or stale i mean obviously we're long distance right now so you

can't do it all the time but i really don't think that's the issue so that's the backstory and what i'm calling about specifically is the other night we were talking about this and how it's just kind of this issue that's not going away. And we had this idea, kind of both of us, it wasn't him like pushing this on me, that he hook up with someone just like random off of Tinder. So he can just empathize with hooking up and understand kind of where we're coming from. I'm just calling to ask if this is totally ridiculous. Obviously, there will be rules. I don't think it would really bother me i honestly think it would be kind of hot um and obviously this did not happen until post-covid so yeah i just don't know if this is totally crazy i mean is this just super unhealthy

and like not the right way to go about dealing with this or is it kind of okay please be harsh if this is totally ridiculous let me know thank you be kind megan not to you i mean i don't need to think about being kind to you i'm no whatever i'm just gonna be i'm gonna be me how do you not like the idea of it's like i don't understand how someone could like i think you could be like there's a difference between being like you know what like i really like to be um have like an emotional connection with someone before i sleep with them but being like i don't understand how you have sex with random people what do you mean you don't understand if someone has let's talk about parts there's there's there's penises there's vaginas sometimes vaginas and vaginas

penises and penis like what do you mean you don't like that part just is like I don't get how you don't understand that like because either it's I really want I I'm FOMO I really want to do that like I really wish I had those kinds of things or um I'm not cool with the fact that you did those things and I am like i'm trying to deal with like my judgment of you based off of those things but like we're saying that he doesn't fall into either so i don't know where like i'm just confused i'm confused too and i don't think sex should ever be used to teach someone a lesson um because that's essentially what this is is like he's gonna find some or you're gonna find

whatever the rules are find someone to hook up with just to show him that you can just fuck anybody without feelings like i don't think that that is the way to go about treating this at all unless this is something that you're actually into with him hooking like this is something that you're both consensually like into and it might be something like you say you find it hot like he goes to hook up with someone you get turned on by it but then like where does that leave him yeah like that's the thing it's like in what what camp is he in because i don't foresee if he's like oh i wish i had done this like i want to like sleep around blah blah blah then then i feel like he would enjoy it but like if it's the other part where it's just

judging you like how does this happen like i don't see him like wanting to do that or enjoying it um also i know that you're in a relationship but him having a hard time dealing with the fact that you slept with three random people you didn't like just three random people like your experience quote unquote i'm not trying to be a bitch or anything like that but like like you said like there weren't feelings attached it was like it is just whatever like that idea that like you have slept with you have slept with two more people than him right he slept with two people you've slept with four people including him he's up with two people including you you've only slept with two more people that's like that's not like a huge discrepancy like it's not like he's never

had sex with anybody else like he's had sex with his like ex-girlfriend like him having if he has an issue with how many people like with the people you've slept with before him that's his problem that's not your problem and like you don't need to be there with him to like problem solve it and hold his hand through him feeling uncomfortable about this because we have no you you and i don't mean this in like a shitty way but like i don't i don't think he's given you a legitimate reason and i think that's what you're telling us is that like oh he just like doesn't understand how that could be it but i'm like we don't like him we're not i mean not like that but like we don't have these emotional feelings to him so when he says like i don't really understand how someone could

do that all i hear is judgment like that's all i hear but you're filtering it through like you really care about this person we don't know him we don't we don't have that same sort of affection to him so all of this to me just sounds uh toxic and and shitty because it's not even like you guys took a break and this happened when you were like this is he's upset about your past and again no shade at all your past is super i think it's not like you it doesn't matter how many people that you slept with at all but like the fact that someone would get and this is my own thing that some fact someone get more upset about sex you would have with random people that you weren't that three people that you weren't really into is supposed to value and like hold all of this weight

more than sex he's had with someone who he was also in a relationship with like i hate that like i hate this like because that's where like the the purity culture and like the slut shaming aspect comes in is like why are we treating this so differently than like the fact that he's had sex with somebody else right but it's because feelings were involved but that to me i'm like that's more that's more and the thing also on top of that is just like what i just because i haven't been through something doesn't mean that i can't understand i won't understand it completely but that doesn't mean that i can't like understand it why does he feel like he needs to be like he needs to experience sex with i mean this isn't even

something that he's saying you're saying that he needs to experience sex with someone he's never had feelings with in order to get it like i feel like most people in the world have had sex with people that they didn't have feelings with and why why is it an issue just for you yeah like watch a movie watch a movie where two people hook up like there are concepts that we haven't had personal experience with it like you can understand in the abstract and all of that but like i personally to read into your call more which i know people hate when i do that but like i think that you i think that there is a lot of um you said he grew up with a lot of people who are saving themselves for marriage and he was also an ra so maybe he went maybe it was like a very religious

school or you know where people got like engaged and married like all through college and all of that kind of stuff um and maybe that's kind of the circle that he grew up in and he has a lot of dated misogynistic sex slut shaming views that you think that he will be able to unlearn and the only reason why he doesn't understand any of that is because he hasn't personally experienced it and that's not gonna solve anything and like that's not the case at all and his views and how he feels about all of that like that that is i can't stress how much that is not your fucking problem like it is not your problem no matter how much you care about him and how much you like him it's like here's the thing if you have an issue with the three people

that i slept with before you like why aren't we why are you what why are we not talking about our relationship like why does that matter and if it really matters to you let's go to therapy and talk about it or you can go to individual therapy and figure that out but like the problem solving is not on you like it needs to be him to recognize like why am i doing this how can i fix this and not you as the girlfriend who it's like hey you have these like the things you are saying whether or not you intend them are like very thinly veiled in like misogyny and like slut shaming and purity culture and all of that and that directly affects and is talking about your life it is then not your responsibility as the person who what he is saying and doing like is hurting you like it's not your

responsibility to then handhold him to like figure that out like that just pisses me the fuck off um yeah and i just think that like if you've been together together for one year long distance for eight months he's definitely insecure in the relationship he's probably insecure when it comes to like sex or anything like that but like I just why the I guess like what I don't understand is like why this is taking up space in your conversations and all of this stuff like it's a year into this relationship it just feels i get icky i get icky feelings i do too i do too also just how you downplayed

which again there doesn't have to be like a deep meaning to the people that we have sex with like you can just have sex with whoever the fuck you want to have sex with like all you need to like consent great that's like doesn't have to have any other strings attached or anything like that but even the way that you're kind of talking about it in like really minimizing it it just seems like you are shrinking yourself to make his ego feel okay and feel better when like that's not your responsibility um and that needs to be something that he works on and if he doesn't see an issue with it that's an issue i'm just like why why does it matter you're with him now why does it matter and again he has had sex with someone else yes why is this an issue for him

like i don't get it at all i'm like there you like if this was if that was like a deal breaker that he can't be with people that have uh been with other people for fun then he should have said something before and you guys shouldn't be together like if this is something he can't get past then you shouldn't be together because it feels like he's guilting you and holding it over your head and trying to make you feel bad about this and there's nothing that he should like again like this is what you've done before you started dating like it has absolutely nothing to do with him and him making this all about himself yeah if it was a deal breaker like i think that's the conversation it's like okay i'm done having this conversation you're making me

feel really bad about myself and like i have no reason to feel bad like i'm an empowered woman Like I can make my own fucking choices and you've had sex before. Like you can make your own choices. Like sex is sex. If this is a deal breaker for you that I have had sex with three people before you three, three casual hookups before you then let, then,

then let me know. And if it's not a deal breaker, we're never talking about this ever again. And this is done. Also like it also even sounds like these are like three one night stands that like, i can't like i just and i've never been like a one night stand kind of person at all but like i understand one night stands i've had like i mean i guess it depends on your definition

of a one night stand but you've had sex with people that you don't have feelings with for yeah like and that's the thing that like but i've never been i've never like gone to a bar and like met someone and then like hooked up with someone that night or whatever like that you know that tv show version of that but i've had sex people like had sex with people i'm just friends with sex people that like just want to have sex them like but i know like but like the idea that like that that is something that someone else who you date down the road is going to have an opinion on is like complete and utter bullshit to me again considering like i would understand this a lot more if it was like he had was saving him

like i hate that he decided not to have sex until he was married then he decided he wanted to with his like um his uh then he decided he wanted to and like we're in this relationship and now he's having a really hard time dealing with the fact that i've had previous sexual partners like this this sounds like a fucking dude who's like i've had sex with like i've had sex with someone else but like you've had sex with someone like oh that's too much for me and again like the idea that like he is more uncomfortable with the sex without feelings versus sex with feelings it's slut shaming that's what it is that's all it is and it's so thinly coated and like so thinly veiled in that that like i don't even think that you the caller can recognize that or

hears that and that's what it is and this is what like this is what that looks like in a relationship up when you care about somebody and all of that like it's it's just it's fucked and like he needs to fucking if that's if this is a deal breaker for him he needs to decide that and if not and if you decide to stay together he needs to also fucking go to therapy and unlearn all of this shit because it's fucked up yep all right next call whoo hello megan and melissa i go by she her pronouns um to get into this so basically I've been with my boyfriend now for going on a year um he has two older brothers and his oldest brother's wife hates me um essentially there's absolutely no reason for her to hate me besides the fact that she is best friends with his ex

girlfriend so starting out um the first weekend I ever met her um we all went out on the boat We were fishing. She was on her phone. She wasn't fishing, which I thought was odd, but I didn't think anything of it. I thought maybe she was just shy. Fast forward to us going back to our place that night. We walk in and every picture of my boyfriend and I are thrown on the ground. We thought that was odd because they were all nails or screwed to the wall. So it would take someone physically doing it to get them onto the ground. We didn't think anything of it, put them back up, and went to the convenience store by our house and noticed that his ex-girlfriend was in town from about three hours away.

To give a little bit of information, his brother is also from about eight hours away. So it's not a coincidence that they were both in town on the same day randomly. because his brother comes back maybe twice a year. So I thought that was odd. And then come to find out, they had invited her to the family reunion that was that weekend. And we just happened to catch her, and it spooked her off, thankfully. But now I am – I moved in with him from back where I was. We were doing long distance for a while.

she found out and uh continued to message me false things about my boyfriend saying that he was sleeping with her that she was still living there um various claims that were very easily proven false and usually i would be the person to believe the woman in the situation but there's just there's cameras like there's so many things that um he was able to show me that proved that completely wrong. But also now I am pregnant and she continues to kind of try and divide my boyfriend and I. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free

for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. Whether it be from him and his family, me and his family, whatever it may be, she creates these false claims that just aren't true.

And I'm not really sure what to do. oh that's a lot um congratulations on your bebe bebe bebe um fuck i don't even i mean i mean the the ex-girlfriend is the is a prop is a problem but the real problem is the brothers is your sister-in-law yeah eventual yeah i mean i think the real question is what is your boyfriend doing because like this is his family you know you're holding a part of you're carrying a part of his family as well and like yeah you guys are together but like this is his what when the you're when when i'm just gonna call her your sister-in-law because it just makes it fucking easier

so when your sister-in-law is like talking mad shit to the family where is your boyfriend in this like what is he doing to combat that and like all those things and have those conversations um and driving a wedge there because like god i think this is so messy but like this shouldn't have to be your mess to deal with like i think it's a con i think it's like they need to have like a family or maybe yeah you included like everyone like a family sit down she's growing half of them in there i was just thinking that like that would be such a headache but i think it's easier if you are there you can know also know what your boyfriend is saying which i think is important even if it's going to be kind of um uncomfortable um but yeah having a family sit down

with like literally everyone it's like let's air this out let's figure this out like we are together like we're super happy we're having a baby and like i'm really uncomfortable around like being around you because like and like have his parents there too and like i know and like i hear the things that like you say about me which like aren't like like this like the ex-girlfriend like all of this kind of stuff like she seems like she's also still decently in the picture enough to like get to the other family members yeah like either the ex is like the ex is talking to sister-in-law and the sister-in-law is relaying it to the family and they're trusting that source over you and potentially your boyfriend and so i think it's like a sit down that it's like let's

just talk about this and like and he needs to show them the video and whatever receipts that he showed to you yeah because i also think that like these kinds of people who are like you know she's texting on her phone there's a lot of this like shadiness back and forth or whatever like those kinds of people most of the time when you confront them with like a sit-down conversation they completely cower they're like uh uh and like it takes a lot to call people out on their bullshit like that and i think a lot of the time people think that they're being fucking slick when they're being assholes or they're saying sort of things behind your back or they're making those snide remarks and when you confront it head on they have to defend and justify their actions

and like best of luck go ahead try and do that but yeah it just it sounds like this has been a game of like toxic telephone and you need to get your voice in there like coming from you first person and everybody needs to do that and it's not like through so-and-so through so-and-so through so-and-so and i think also that'll show you like how it is again it's your boyfriend's family he should be the one like in these conversations that's like that's my ex like she's my ex for a reason yeah like and like get the fuck out of like trying to like start this shit with me and my family and i get that she's your best friend like we dated but like it's over you have like a little niece or nephew coming you need to be more cognizant of this family and not

interlopers and i think also if you want to like really go for it i would um the next time the ex reaches out be like i would love if you can show me the proof like show me what you have because you've seen what he has that proves it like wrong but like yeah but i i think too like you know they're all there's like so many different ways that this like could i don't know say like some different ways that these this could go or whatever or like so many different objectives but i think that like all of this like passive aggressive like talking and like whisper all of that kind of stuff just needs to be done so you can actually like get down to the bottom of this because like i mean you you believe your boyfriend and all of that and i think

that that's great and i'm happy for you that this isn't like actually happening but i would i would also be like show me your proof from her like what do you have show me the receipts show me the words of whitney houston r.i.p well because i also think that there's also no way that any of this stuff is true a it's easily disproven but i think the fucked up thing is is that like the family and all of that like you're choosing to believe an ex-girlfriend rather than your family like why and call them out on that and be like so what's up why it's just rude this is fucking insane though so we're gonna go to a break and when we come back we are gonna get into the update call

we are back from our break and now it's time for the update and this is from season 7 episode 12 and she was an a plus student she wrote down everything in paragraph form mla style great so we'll just hop into that okay so I am calling in to give my update about my ex who I used to live with and basically my original call was that he told me a couple months ago one time that he was thinking about a job offer he had gotten way back in the past like almost a year ago we had already worked through the fact that he wasn't going to take it because I wasn't going to go with him and he would be hours away from family I think in the call I said it was like two and a half hours um and I also mentioned how he said he didn't feel like he was in love with

me and that was like a big thing that I talked about he wasn't being affectionate in the relationship anything like that so here's my update so I had a meeting with my college advisor discussing my upcoming classes and this would have been like I think it was like end of February like the second to last week of February also when he told me that he wasn't he didn't feel like he was in love with me that was probably like end of December of last year early January so now like mid end of February I had a meeting with my college advisor just to talk about my upcoming classes and I mentioned the possibility of me moving a couple hours away with my boyfriend if he were to take this job um I don't think I mentioned this when I called in for advice but

I was considering moving with him if I did take the job off if he did take the job offer I don't remember if I said that in the original call or not um which wasn't really smart of me because he was pretty much already hit and miss on whether or not he wanted me to go with him like every time we would talk about it it would be like oh like I don't know I don't want you to like go with me and regret going. And some of that was practical, but it was also just like, he didn't want me to go. So my advisor basically told me that I most likely wouldn't finish my degree if I moved with him because I would be too far from campus to do my required in-person classes. My boyfriend was actually out on a job at the time for the company that he was working for at the time. So he wasn't

even home for us to like discuss this so I texted him and basically told him like hey if you do end up taking this job I pretty much can't go with you it's not even up for negotiation because of my classes um that day I kind of started thinking about our relationship way more just because we were already having problems and I was starting to have thoughts then about breaking up with him the next day was when I actually got on Instagram and then just happened to see a post that I knew was actually about my call just in my Instagram feed from like the Don't Blame Me podcast. And then I went and listened to that episode. Pretty much after listening to that episode, I was like, okay, case closed, like they're right, this, it's over. So at this point,

he had already been pursuing the job offer and told me he was accepting it. He was actually with people from the company that was trying to hire him when he was on his work trip. and then this is just an explanation of how the contracting works just because I kind of felt like this was important in the situation. So he worked for a contracting company and was doing work for the company that was trying to hire him through the company he worked for at the time as a contractor. Here's an example of the situation if you don't have a background of this kind of contracting which would be considered like skilled trades. So he worked for A as a contractor who was staffing a project for B who was doing work for C. B is a company that was

trying to hire him. So he was working with people from B and actually the guy who initially recruited him, he was working with on the project. So he was with him like every day. They also continue to keep in touch from last fall, which is probably a huge reason why this ended up happening. side note we both worked for a I don't think I mentioned any of this stuff in my original call we worked together that was how I initially met him was at work which was back in December 2019 because if you remember from my original call I had mentioned we were together we were together from December 2019 to end of February 2020 but most of that was long distance so it wasn't even like serious it was just exclusive is the best way to put it um so we worked together and just

another side note his dad owned like partially owns the company company a which is where i still work like his dad owns the company he's been there for like seven years like you know everyone knows him i still currently work for company a i probably will for a while so he told me over text March 2nd that he was taking the job and we agreed to break up in the same conversation, which I just want to emphasize. I pretty much initiated that because he texted me out of the blue that he was taking the job. It wasn't even a phone call. It was over text. And then I was like, so where, where do you think our relationship stands? Like if you take this job, no response for probably at least an hour. And then he was like, well, where do you think our relationship

stands? Pretty much just asking me my opinions. That's when I was like, well, I don't want to do long distance. I just don't think it would work and I pretty much just didn't want to do it. So we agreed to break up in the same conversation. He flew home the next day from the work trip from company A and I decided a few days later I would take over the lease for his apartment and keep living where we already lived. He toured an apartment March 19th and decided that day he was going to move there and then told me he was moving out March 23rd. I was super frustrated because I didn't have furniture or anything yet but he didn't really care that he was giving me three days notice. The reason he was moving out within a few days of deciding what apartment he

wanted is because they offered him $70 a month off rent if he can move in three days after he toured the apartment. I didn't have anything like I literally had to buy a bed that weekend. I only had like you know makeup and things that I would have just brought from my parents that I use every day, but furniture and everything was his because he has been in this apartment for years. He had everything. That was just how it was. He moved out on the 23rd, but he left his cat with me until he was settled in, which I was totally fine with because I loved his cat. So it was kind of like, you know, he was obviously going to have to come back. He came back a little over a week later and stayed two nights at my place to see my new cat I got and visit family and the area because again,

he moved hours away from family and that was totally just like just friends like we didn't sleep together he actually slept in the living room like I slept in my bedroom it was totally just like nothing happened he had been over twice since then one time to help my dad and I with some stuff at my apartment and then he was here actually like last weekend to drop off one of the keys for the apartment because again he took I took over the lease and his mom still had a key from when this apartment was his so he was dropping that off when he was in town that was pretty awkward for me because he still wants to be friends he told me that and I'm just kind of back and forth on it so pretty much that's the update but the current status is I'm kind of hesitant on still

being friends with him or not like we still talk almost every day and it's like one day I'm fine with it and the next I'm just like I don't know because I'm not friends with any of my exes that's a new thing for me he's the first guy I ever lived with like it's all new so I don't have any experience of like what I've previously done or anything like that so so do you want to be I mean that's so much do you want to be like when you have like when you when your opinion changes day to day that you want to be friends with him or not like what's the feeling behind it like is it like oh this is too hard to be friends or like so for me personally I go from like I will go from sleeping with someone and then dating them and then we're not dating i'm not having sex i like

hate them and i don't want to see them ever again and like their face repulses me their name repulses me like everything about them like i just need them to be like gone from my life melissa can be friends with yeah i can be friends i can't because they like then disgust me and when i look the thing is when i look at them they physically repulse me like i don't ever want to have sex with them ever again but it's like fine as far as like friendship because like i don't want to sleep with most people i'm friends with so okay neither do i but like i can't i can't even be friends with them because i'm so repulsed by that and see i'll be honest i used to sleep with my friends in high school like i was that girl and what's funny is we all went to church together

like it was not my high school friends from church and like yes and and everything but were you dating them you were just sleeping yeah see that's different yeah yeah it's the dating it's like the you've told me that you've like loved me or you've had feelings me like we've held hands like we've been romantic like there's like just there's there's all of that so like I'm a clean break kind of person but I think you just have to like unpack what is it like the days that you're like I don't know if I want to be friends with him like what's the feeling that you're having yeah because like do you still want to be with him like eventually like if he like is it hard is that is it like no honestly it was something where I went through the breakup when we were

still together which is how it is with every breakup for me because most of them I end I mean this was kind of like he we just aren't compatible so the job offer in my opinion just shed light on every aspect of how we shouldn't be together like I would never be with him again honestly I would not be surprised if he ever came back to me just because I think that's another thing is I have this gut feeling that he is going to regret it and that's not being like oh I hope he regrets it and comes back to me because I wouldn't take him back I just I don't know it was just such a conflicting decision for him that like I don't want him to ever come back to me in that way here's what I would say and I don't know if Melissa's gonna agree with me at all I think

that like you are inherently ingrained in his life as long as that you are the person on this lease now like even though that he's not on the lease anymore like this used to be his place and like because you you said you moved in with him it was his first and then it was you two together and now it's yours and like I think like you know he's got cats aren't the same as dogs so it's not like I'm gonna bring my dog I guess you can like bring your cat over to like places or whatever but like you live where his family is you work with someone from his family like that's something so like you're already kind of in his life so I'm kind of on your I kind of I agree with you in the sense that like I I would not be surprised if like he comes back around and I think that like being

maintaining a friendship unless like you really like him as a friend and he adds so much to your life as a friend he's going to be in your like in your vicinity regardless and you don't have to kind of keep those like pleasantries of maintaining a friendship because like he's just gonna yeah he's kind of gonna be like i actually i also i agree with this like i think like you i don't think you want to be friends with him like i don't think you do either and you just like it's just that like he's familiar and he's like when he comes back to town don't give him like don't let him stay with you well when he comes back um even if it's easy even if it's like well this is someone who can like lift heavy things and like all of that kind of stuff

because like he i i think it's like it also doesn't make you a bitch like just especially if he wants to be it can be hard if like you have an ex who's like i want to stay friends and you're like I don't it's not because I like hate I just like don't really like your friendship doesn't add that much to my life so there like yeah and I don't want to hurt his feelings I think that's a big thing is like he doesn't have friends he is very lonely like I would have drama with my friends and he would be like yep this is like why I don't have friends like he believes that like you're better off without friends we have very different viewpoints which is just another reason why we wouldn't work out but like he doesn't value friends the way that I do yeah he values me

for some reason probably because we're friends together I don't know like I think you just have to stop giving him a reason to be there like I mean it is I mean you needed your key he came to see you he was stayed with you like he has family there he can go stay with them um because he stayed in your living room or whatever and maybe having like complete distance from him and you maybe that will give you clarity for the future because you're like you keep going back and forth just cut him off completely and then see where it is in like three months from now yeah because what do you guys talk about every day almost every day our day or like i talked to him today and it was just like about a project that he like just got back on for the company

that he actually works at so it's just like stuff like that like honestly it's typically like about work and okay so you guys were long distance and so he's just doing the same thing all over again but without the title of dating and like he put all of the balls and he put it all on you where it was like you asked him like well what do you want to do he's like well what do you want to do i think if you said i want to stay together he would have been like okay we'll make it work yeah like i think that like this is he and he's just taking he's taking like your lead but he's not changing like you're like he much about the relationship i think so too he's just kind of like keeping you there just in case or hoping that you'll change your mind i think that's what it

is as opposed to back burnering like you i think he's back burnering himself and like making sure he's present in your life and hoping you will change his mind because like inevitably yeah he might change his mind about the work thing but i think like you have two options which is like i think like i i mean what i would honestly do like ahead of it first now is just be like hey i've like you know i really liked our relationship and everything but um and i'm like really happy you're at this new job and like this has really shown me um that like you know i honestly just don't think that we're that compatible and i think you're a really great person but um and i think it'd be like but but as as for like maintaining a friendship uh right now like we did break up

really recently so like best of luck like you do your thing I'm gonna do my thing because that's I think you're either gonna have to have that conversation now or he's gonna leave that job come back and be like well now I'm back that obstacle that was in the way of our relationship is gone and like now we can be together again you're gonna be like I don't I just want that like no yeah never be with him again like there's just no way so that's not even on the table yeah cut off the friendship i do have to ask you this though like did he ever have anything to come back after he said he didn't know if he loved you like a reason like did he ever like take it back or say that he does no no so we also i think i said this in the call which was probably common

sense for people but we never said i love you there was one time last summer uh when we had been drinking and he like didn't say that he loved me but he like said something other than that that basically meant that and then I literally was like okay like you've been drinking yeah but I still mean it and I probably just I think I just like laughed so no I brought it up to him numerous times but it was pretty much just like what I said it was very what I said in the call like we were laying in bed and I was like okay what's been going on you've just been really distant and like just completely different didn't even act like you cared about our relationship and it was just like I feel like I'm supposed to feel like I'm in love with you after this amount of

time of dating which was seven months I think when I called him the first time and I was just like well I don't feel like you have to feel like you're in love with me like I don't think there's like a time frame for that or like a timeline so like that honestly isn't a big deal like that hurt my feelings like i remember going in the bathroom and i was like literally crying about it but what's just mean it's like mean and weird like why would you say that like filter that in your head and then shut the fuck up also i think he just doesn't know how to be just friends with someone and that's the problem like yeah is he a serial monogamist does he like date is he like go from relationship to relationship relationship no i do that but he doesn't but it just feels like

he can't be he doesn't have he doesn't have friends close to him and it it's like when he's like in the same place with someone he can't really make a commitment it's more like he does like pen pals when he's at a distance like he doesn't know how to be friends with you so like it it just he doesn't know how to translate that into a relationship yeah he could be a really great catfish probably you know maintaining all of that online like texting phone like that stuff is he really close with his mom yeah okay like loves me like she wants to get together do you see his dad a lot at work yeah um most days some days his dad doesn't come in but I mean we're talking in some form of communication probably almost every day yeah I think to be

fair I think his family is also probably his dad probably loves you his you said his mom loves you like I'm sure that it's like oh she's such a sweet girl like whatever hap blah blah and they also I'm sure they didn't want him to move and so then they got to be on the same side as like well she's here we're here and I'm sure they're kind of romanticizing that whole thing and if he has no other friends and like every single person in his ear is like get back together get back together so it was like embarrassing like one time his mom came over for dinner his mom and stepdad and she looked at me and she was like he was like I'm gonna move to the job with him like hours away and and I was like I don't know like I don't think he wants me to like it was us four sitting

at the dinner table I just said that and I was not trying to be passive-aggressive but like that was the situation true and then she like looked at him and asked him and he was like I don't know he just doesn't know how to be with people IRL I really think that's the issue is like he doesn't know how to be just friends with someone or just get to know someone in real life it all has to be at a distance yeah that's super weird super super weird yeah cut the friendship off because regardless he's still going to be like in your life by proxy by these other people and just like by location and all of that but it doesn't make you a bitch and like that's other things like you don't want to hurt his feelings or whatever but like here's the thing like pretend he does this

is gonna sound so like insane pretend he doesn't have feelings because you guys broke up it was mutual do we think that he's probably still like pining for you yes but like pretend that you don't think that and like we don't know that and it's like here's the thing like we broke up it was mutual like there's so much respect like i don't have to worry about hurting your feelings because we're on the same page and like not wanting to be friends is like a totally realistic like at like it's actually it's kind of more of an unusual ask to like want to maintain friendship with an ex and like it is very normal to not want to do that and like that doesn't make you like a bitch or anything like that and like also because of the fact that like this you're not even

talking like melissa said he doesn't know how to be your friend you're not talking you're talking like every fucking day like that's like a lot and like all of this it's like it's just like kind of the relationship all over again and i think if you like put that boundary down now you're not gonna you might still have to do it later if he moves back and like wants to get back together but i think it'll it'll also probably make you like not resent like his family and like all like just be so annoyed by him because at a certain point you'll just get like so fed up and annoyed i think I would I think stop fucking texting me yeah I mean and then sometimes like he'll snapchat me and then text me I don't I just won't respond to either of them because I don't care yeah and then

he'll like snapchat me or text me be like why didn't you respond to me yeah no he's trying to hold on to your relationship how it was before you guys were in the same place yeah he's a weenie so do i like communicate this to him i think you i think you either do now or he's going to come back and try and get back together and think that the only thing that's like no matter what like you're either going to ghost him and ignore him and then like i would have the conversation ahead of time also just because you work with his family that's what i was gonna say because you work with his dad then that it makes it awkward so you can't just ghost him because you're still connected so i think you have to have the conversation with him and you just and you just phrase it nicely

but how Melissa and I talk about this all the time I don't even think we talk on the podcast we talk about it in our personal lives when we're having these conversations with people make sure your message doesn't need a response from him it doesn't need to be a conversation it's like hey uh just want to say like so happy for you about your like new job like this is great and I want to let you know that I have appreciated the time that we spent together in a relationship like you're great I have really like been able to like realize now that like there is this separation like in space between us that like we really weren't compatible at all but like I'm really thankful for our relationship um i think it's great that like we wanted to be friends

beginning i'm personally just like not comfortable with that at this point in my life but like zero hard feelings like i think you're a great guy and like i wish you all the best and then just end it there because it doesn't he can ignore that and he can be mad and do whatever he wants to do or he can respond but then his response like your your message needs to be enough that like this is you're encapsulating all of it you're saying everything he doesn't need to say anything back and then anything else he says if he tries to continue well like well why you're like i'm i'm just done like thank you like you're great blah blah blah and then you're done so you don't have to keep having this conversation because that's how like they can hook you back in when

you're trying to as from two ghosters we've done we've done both we've like explicitly ghost and we've also done these conversations and you have to make it so concise so they don't try and like your playlist might get you through the workday but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. rope you back in yeah that's what i would do and it's not mean and then just don't it's not mean

and just don't respond if you need to block him block him but just don't respond to it yeah and i know his mom wants to get together what should i have no no no no no also essentially you guys his parents are divorced right yes okay so you really don't have to it has nothing to do with your job like then you're fine never see his mom unless yeah basically i would never see his mom unless we made plans to hang out and i know that when my ex was like with her the day that he came over to bring the key she like asked him when we were getting together like why couldn't she had just dropped off the key why did he have to get it i mean i never was like oh your mom can't drop it off like he just set the offer to and I also like he came in town to get the key and bring

it to you so yeah kind of so he came to stay at his mom's for the weekend which is like still like 45 minutes from where I so I I did have mail to give him I will say that because I've still been receiving some of his mail did you put the forward on it you are you having it doesn't really work it does something like mine or even like thought to do that you should do it it does it gets like half of it i won't say it gets all of it it gets half of it um just because i when i moved from just upstairs to downstairs that it my a lot of my stuff was rerouted but you should do it so it can get a lot of it yeah yeah it's like a dollar i think if you do it online yeah he essentially did come into town to drop the key off you could say because his mom's were

still hours from him but it was still like 45 minutes from me like she she couldn't she couldn't like just trash it or put it in the mail she probably could have yeah but it was just an excuse to see you yeah and then why did he have to sleep on your couch that was okay that was when he originally moved out like that wasn't recent but why did he sleep but what was the what was the reason he was staying in town for a couple of days to stay family and so why didn't he stay with the family because he loves you yeah i mean this was when like he just moved out and stuff and i wasn't i feel like i'm feeling differently about everything now than it was originally happened like i didn't care that he stayed here for two nights that was like kind of lined up like

the day he moved out so I didn't mind however I thought that would be the last time that I saw him and he's been over since then for the key thing yeah he came over one time but I actually don't remember what that time was for I remember from my end up helping my dad with my dad and I was something but I don't remember what specifically he came over for yeah this like really fits into my narrative of like boy moms there are two kinds of boy moms it's either like oh my gosh is the daughter I've never had like I'm so obsessed with her and like I'm so overbearing and I love her so much and like she has to spend all of holidays with me like blah blah blah blah blah or I want to fuck my son and you got the earlier one which to be fair is the better one but like it's still

not good like it's a lot like it's a yeah that's wild I feel like I've just been nice about everything and I don't really care anymore like no yeah so then we don't care when we send this message to cut things off yeah and it's not mean and i know i'm a bitch and so it's hard to take me seriously when i say something's not mean because it's like is it really not i promise you it's not you have to put yourself first that's the thing is you care more right like caring about his feelings is caring more about what he thinks than what you think you have to put yourself first and this isn't a normal breakup he doesn't know to have a breakup like you're basically being like no no we're just gonna break up like normal people break up like this like

that's the thing it's like this isn't like out of the norm but because he doesn't have any friends he probably also doesn't yeah he doesn't know any of that stuff it's also such a red flag to be like i don't really care about having friends yeah the fuck i would be like i'm sorry what well thank you for the update that was a roller coaster and yeah like i said i'm happy that you are out of it and you're gonna say your new apartment in your apartment sans him and all of that did you sage it what do you mean sage like kumbaya hippie no no no you gotta get his you gotta get his spirit out of there i didn't know what that was remind me to do that too i need to do that i've got some items from people here that i'm like some bad juju i want you to buy it comes like just google it

just buy like go on etsy that's the best place to get it and it comes like in a i would get it but it's in the kitchen but it comes in a thing and it's just like a bundle of sage and you burn it and then you open the windows and you walk around and you sage it and just get the evil demons out this is in case anybody forgot that our podcast is based out of los angeles you know those incense things that people like it uh it's yeah i mean palo santo yeah it's not the same it's yeah it's different it's not the same we got we have so much homework for you you're sending the text and your sage in your apartment yeah it's gonna be great sage oh also look up something with cats and sage make sure i don't it might be toxic yeah i said that i was

like is that safe for my cat it's fine for the cat okay okay just make sure your cat doesn't like eat it yeah yeah well that'll be great uh thank you so much for giving us the updates and thanks good update great update i hope you put all the things that we all your homework i hope you do it and then report back to us i think this is a good lesson for all of us to sage sage our apartments you know i need to do that so should we get into don't blame them let's do it so don't blame them is where a listener will call in and they'll give their own advice about a call that we had on a previous episode so maybe they had their own personal experience maybe they heard something that we missed or maybe they just have some additional insight so they can

give their own advice and what episode is it from this is from season 7 episode 24 i'll just play it because they're very thorough hi i'm calling in for a don't blame them for season 7 episode 24 captain hook all right so i got some big pointers if you need to tolerate this um too big too wide like big okay so what you what they're going to want to do is they are going to want to make sure you are getting all relaxed so i would highly recommend if they're comfortable with it maybe getting a little bit high beforehand that's the only time i've enjoyed larger items in that manner okay so make sure that you're really relaxed very comfortable lots of lube like they said and also if it's curved make sure that when you're taking it you're lying on your

back because then it's going to go up towards the prostate and it won't go back towards the pelvis because that's what's going to hurt a lot so if you're like doggy trout nuh-uh you want to be on your back and it'll hurt less also would recommend there are tubes that you can get if you don't want the penis to all the way in then like you don't want to go as deep there's tubes that you can put on your partner so then they don't have to put it in as far and they still feel the same for them. So basically, if you feel comfortable and you are down for that, I would recommend getting a little bit high. It's nice. Lots of lube on your back and then potentially getting the tubes that make it not going as far. All right. Hopefully that can be a little bit

helpful. Yeah. Thanks guys. Bye. Oh, I thought you had a, it looked like you were raising your hand oh i was just gonna i just wanted to add i said this during the call before she cuts in here the thing on the back may not work because we don't know which way the dick curves there's one of two options so what's the opposite of laying on your back your front no how what do you mean how because we're going in a butt yeah you can still be on your back like laying on your back and then go that way or you can be on your front and lay you can do it either way wait so wait what was the original okay here's the thing when i was in college there's this dude there's a rumor going on about this guy was in a porn that what we went

to school with so then we found it of course nowadays i wouldn't do that because that's invading somebody's privacy but that's the first time that i knew that you could fuck in the ass on like lying on your back wait so the way they suggested on the the up the uh don't blame them was to lay on your stomach she said on your back oh on your back legs up okay that makes sense yeah and then the other would be on oh okay yeah yeah no but they could go to the left or right too so i guess you would have to be on your side right yeah i think also like it depends on the curvature of your but well can your butt can your butt will be curved too or is that just

i think everybody has a different butt because i know like vagina like your vagina can be like you know tampons don't go just like straight right they can't you got to maneuver based on how your body works so probably be the same for your butt i would think so too um so i think like the thing is like it also just depends on where the curve is and i think the real solution i mean i think it's going to be like a position that is the most comfortable for both parties but the the lube is going to have to be a lot because like that's how you you got to get around corners yeah you know but i do know those things that that the uh other person that they're referring to where these i hate that word too for some reason it's like so unsexy to me so i've seen it before

because they're talked about a lot in like the um like endometriosis and i think it's called adrenosis or whatever uh community of like so you can have like pain during sex so they basically like it kind of um just looks like i don't know like a like a like a pool floaty ish kind of thing but like less but like but so it goes at like the top of the penis so it doesn't go all the way in but i'm pretty sure it's kind of more like tube like and so it's like more rib so it moves along the penis while you're having sex so it still has that simulation up there but it like stops from going penetrating as deep so I've seen those I never thought about those for um butt stuff but that makes total sense so it's not going as deep yeah I think that would also make sense especially

if the curves towards the like the the um the shaft like towards the body um and then you can kind of avoid that curve if anybody knows the exact name of this please let me know because I want to see it because I've done some google searches and I'm not getting what I'm trying to get okay um oh there's one called oh nut they're like silicone rings they kind of look like the um michelin man's like part of his arm thank you for enlightening me i've learned something new today um i would also like for the person that called um about their boyfriend's dad who wants to impregnate her i would like you to call back please i think about you a lot i think about you every day yeah we we just know that the entire community loves you and really wants

you to call back um desperately you're an icon you are an icon you're the new um had sex with three brothers that is it for our episode if you want to give us a call um to be in an upcoming one you can leave us a voicemail at 3 1 0 6 9 4 0 9 7 6 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com also if you have an update or don't blame them same numbers all that especially for updates send us shoot us an email we love we love our updates and if you want to watch the video version we're on patreon it's only a dollar a month We do video versions for every single episode. So that's like between four and five episodes a month

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true true true true you haven't given me much to work with the last couple days i made that note i'm so sorry i mean you've done them but there just weren't ones that i could really troll about no you have to be like you're ugly like that's how you would have had to troll i'm not that type of troll okay no you're not no no you're much smarter than that anything you want to promote no no this is a review by why are all the usernames taken i see a lot of ends there you are not i started listening a few years ago and stopped not sure why but as a 20 year old i can relate to many of these calls megan and melissa are both honest and hilarious and give you the tough

love advice you need to hear their democratic views are not harsh but simply what we need in today's political climate i listen to old episodes every day on my way to work while waiting each week for monday's episode love it love it one clarification i wouldn't say necessarily identify as a democrat but i i definitely have democrat i'm a big fan of democracy are you a registered democrat oh yes i'm a registered democrat but the united states recognizes you as as a democrat yeah and oh by the way me saying that i don't want anyone to think that i've ever in my life been like i'm more of a independent libertarian no no no i just uh you know looking i'm i'm a ralph nader stan love a green party love love love lots of uh socialist things as well but um

yeah well um that's it for our episode it was a long one and we will see you all next time bye i'm superman and i'm no this is patrick Don't Blame Me is a production by me, executive produced by Melissa DeMonts, edited by Katrina Henning, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.