Don't Blame Me! - S8E20: Boyfriend Doesn’t Communicate

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Racist College football player not wearing mask at school Boyfriend's friend has feelings for him Boyfriend drives his work van on dates Boyfriend doesn't communicate Don't Blame Them - Advice on joining a sorority   Buy our merch   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode. Don't blame me. I am Megan. I am joined by my co host Melissa. Hello. I'm underselling you. Not only is you the co host, she's the producer she is. I am the one brain cell she is the I don't know how many we're supposed to have but you are all the rest of them is that like a thing because i know it's a joke that you're like my last two brain cells yeah i haven't heard anyone ever like say somebody's one and then they're the rest so maybe you should coin it can you quantify brain cells like do we know how many we have you know i don't think i've ever i'm sure at some point i've knew this answer but i do not

know this right right now oh you are the only one who went to college so biology and biology so you're slacking there's not much i can bring to the table at this so 100 billion is on average so you can it's not an exact yeah i definitely don't have 100 billion or i do but they're just like inside out really to me i was like if they did that movie for me half of my brain would just be like at like a rave or burning man like half of my brain cells are just like those are not things that you do no no i know but have you ever seen inside out yes i've seen it but they're all like parts of yeah that is true so yours has to be part of who you already are no that's what i'm gonna say so like half of my brain is just adhd so it's probably

all my brain like so it doesn't work i feel like they would be like walking around doing one thing and then walking away dropping it yep and then there's like my adderall comes in like once a day if i remember to take it it's like trying to pick everything up every one of them yeah no have you ever seen legally blonde the musical no i've seen the actual legally blonde so legally blonde the musical there's a song that brooke wyndham sings and it's like i'm gonna whip you it's like whip into shape like i'm gonna whip you into shape and she's like she does the whole song jump roping and like doing like all of these kinds of tricks and i feel like that would be that seems like a lot to do for a musical oh yes and it's like a whole ensemble it's not just it's like everyone's doing

that and like that's why singers practice belting on the treadmill yeah running on a treadmill while they're sinking but just the rope is the part that adds the the coordination yeah because like people are gonna mess up yeah it's choreography like they like cross it it's impressive i think on mtv i remember the the search when they were searching i watched that but then i didn't get any further than that so good maybe i'll watch it i enjoy a musical i enjoy a certain kind of musical yes a certain of a fun kind not like the depressing kind i need a fabulous musical i need a lot of dancing have you ever seen dream girls no but i would love it it's great i bet i need sequins i need glamour i need fabulous like i need them to be like turning looks yes if there's

gonna be a sad like a sad song it's one and that's it i don't think i could ever handle watching dear evan hansen no i can't and i won't i have no desire no desire at all at all none when i was flying back here the two people on my right side like they were sitting in front of each other and one of them was watching pulp fiction and then the other was watching greece and i was like these two sides of john travolta oh my god that but i realized how much i've seen greece because i could not hear what was going on but i knew exactly what was happening and i was singing along in my head oh yeah that's a good musical i loved book of mormon very funny i thought it was fine like it didn't blow my socks off but it was fine i've never seen

hamilton an unpopular opinion i don't really have but you wanted to see it for a while and then what happened it came out like on disney plus and you're like i'm done you were excited about it and then when it actually came out you weren't into it here's the thing i i think the title should have been a clue to what Hamilton was about and I just knew everybody was like going to see it and like it was like really good um and then I found out that it was like about history and they were rapping and I was like well I like all the music my problem with Hamilton is that if you've heard the soundtrack there's no reason to see the actual thing because there's no words in the musical it's only singing oh so it's like old school like opera style yeah when i watched

it i was like so why am i here because i already know all the songs i guess i've got visuals now okay i could picture it yeah i've seen enough clips of it that i know what everyone looks like i also don't love male dominated musicals give me a couple of men and their supporting roles in a duet but like my favorite musicals are Legally Blonde, Wicked. I prefer a powerhouse female and mostly women like main characters leading it also because like half the time I'm like listening to or watching a musical I just want to like then download it so I can like sing the songs in the car and if like they're too low and like they're just not fun those are mine because I definitely don't listen to Book of Mormon I like at all. No that's not one I just

listened to i can do most of hamilton because it's rapping so you don't have to worry about the singing except for the women do sing a lot more i've always you know one that like i like kind of want to see but just because i love one song from it but like i think it would be too sad as waitress it's good music though because it's sarah borrellas yeah well anyway as people might if they're new here they might think that this is a podcast devoted to musicals kill me hell no no this is an advice podcast where don't blame me you call in you leave us voicemails and we give you life-changing wonderful amazing never been done before throw up spit it out advice so if you want to call in to leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976

my brain stopped and if you're an international listener you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com we ask that you let us know your pronouns and anyone else's pronouns in the story make sure you include your age if it's about relationships how long you've been dating but the best thing to do is to practice because you only have three minutes otherwise you'll get cut off so write it down time it see if you have all the information and then read it and record And then you might get a diamond. I want to add this in there to write it down, but also have like a one sentence summary up top.

Good call. Just so that we know the gist of the call at the beginning. So we know what important details to pay attention to. Yeah. Like I'm calling about my relationship. I'm a lot of people aren't seeing their ages anymore either. Make sure you tell us your age. Anything else that we like to tell them? Nah, nah.

just know that we're people that care about the rights of women that are pro vaccine that don't like the cops we're actually technically pro-life yeah right yeah so if that offends you first of all let me know how you got here and then see yourself out or stay mad yeah you're allowed to stay mad that was for you rachel this is for rachel so we don't have an update this episode again because if you can't tell based on my voice i am still dealing with lots of covid brain fog and just sheer exhaustion it sounds like such a cunty thing when i'm like listening is very hard holding a conversation is very hard but updates they really take it out of you and you have to be very engaged and i don't want anyone to think i'm a cunt so we're not doing that today you don't

want any of our callers to think that you're coming yeah i just want to specify just like in in life oh no i am a cunt but i don't want anyone to think i'm like being one towards them when they're here for advice exactly i asked knots if he thought i was nice and he said when you want to be and i was like that's what i hear too but i'm also like to be fair if we just switch it It's like, am I mean when I want to be? Sometimes it's accidental, but most of the time, like, I just think that, like, we're all joking around and someone's like, did not get the joke. Should we get to the first one?

Let's do it. Hey, Megan and Melissa, get ready. I've got a petty one for you today. I'm in my first year of university and I live in a dorm and I'm on a meal plan. At my school, there are a lot of football players and a lot of them live in dorms. So I have to interact with them on the daily. I know some decent ones, but most of the freshman players on the football team, are absolute mega douchebags. We have a mask mandate going on right now, mandated by the

government because cases have been getting a lot worse in my area. One football player in particular is a real idiot, mega douchebag cunt. And whenever I see him in the dining hall, he's wearing his mask on his chin. His mask isn't covering his nose. So naturally he gets asked to put it back on or wear it properly by a staff member. Every time they politely ask him, he cusses them out. says extremely rude things once i even heard him mutter a racial slur towards a staff member he's made students feel unsafe and i can imagine he's made the staff members feel 10 times more unsafe i have the most petty email written up to the head football coach making a complaint about his behavior but i was wondering if you think this is too petty or if i should go harder by sending it

to the dean as well also i have i'm using a fake email but i think i should use my real one thanks for the advice wow you've come to the right people you have i mean as soon as she said i'm gonna send to the football coach and i was like why waste your time go straight to the dean but i think that you need to do both yeah that makes sense the football coach is probably gonna see it before the dean does because the dean is over everybody football coaches focus on the football players i feel like this is the same advice that i had for the gal who her guy friend was gonna have a fake vaccination card but then fast forward he apparently got a real one allegedly yeah so if possible i would wear a shirt that had a pocket on the chesticle area i would place my phone in

there while i'm video recording get video of him send it to the school paper send it to the local news station i would send it to anyone find out what college because if he is an athlete it tells what his major is find out who uh is over his college that he's in send it to them send it to the football coach send it to the the uh chancellor i'd send it to everyone send to the alumni send it to everybody yeah the alumni associates to send to them to send it to the booster club that's funding the football team that's what i was thinking of this is not like an honest mistake this is like an intentional thing that he keeps doing and then also adding in racism and i'm gonna assume if this is how he is here this will not be the first time that he's done anything like

this he's probably gotten special treatment because he's an athlete yeah but i think if you are comfortable sharing it from your email address like if you've got video like i've suggested you don't need to send it from your school email address yeah i like when people know that it was me behind something but the only thing i would say is if you want to follow up and like you're not getting response and you want to then follow up in person with like someone higher up at your school less hoops to jump through if it's just like your name from the beginning honestly i would send it to the school paper because they're going to take care of it if you have a news team at the school too i'd send it to them yeah he's literally being racist

not wearing like government even though he's supposed to by the government not wearing his mask properly he's a jackass like paper will expose him they'll do their own research too so go harder yeah do more it's not hard and this to me is like when people like comment on like well you know everyone has different things i go no no these are the kinds of people who are completely incapable of pulling their mask up oh it is because he is a bad person like this is not this whole like well we all have differing belief system like it doesn't make like some people blah blah blah like no these are the kinds of people these are their character qualities these are this is who they are

and it's fucked get that video gal all right next call next one hi megan and melissa i'm calling in for advice about a situation surrounding my boyfriend i'm 21 and go by she her pronouns he is 22 and goes by he him pronouns and the third party is around our age and goes by she her pronouns. So we've been dating for about half a year-ish. It's been going super well. I love him a lot. He's a really great guy. We're both really happy. The communication is great. It's a super healthy relationship overall. It's just really good. A little while ago, he told me that a year ago, a close female friend of his told him that she had feelings for him and asked if he felt the same way. He told her that he had thought about it in the past, but no, it would be best if they

just stayed friends. Fast forward almost a year, he really didn't give it much more thought, thought that was it. It didn't come back up between them. And then right around the time that we went on our first date, because we talked for a long time without meeting because of the pandemic, she basically asked him, okay, so when are we getting together? To which he responded, we're not I'm seeing someone why would you think that so she had been under the impression that whole time that they were eventually going to get together that he had feelings for her for some reason and that was her understanding he obviously did not have that understanding thought that that was the last conversation thought they had gotten over it so they were both reading situations very

differently so since then she's been quite bitter about the whole thing for a while I felt bad for her, not pity, but I could understand where she came from. I understand having feelings for someone who doesn't have feelings back and it sucks. And I got that and I understood and I felt for her. But since then, she's been kind of shit talking him to mutual friends, calling him an asshole and all of these things. And I just feel like that's really crossing the line. He didn't do anything. He just simply didn't feel the same way. And there's nothing that either of them can do to control their feelings. But it's cruel of her to be talking badly about him for no reason. So my question is really, what do I do in this situation? They've talked since and have sort of settled on being civil. And she's basically said that she's not in a place where she thinks she can meet me or be around me because it's gonna be too hard for her, which I understand. I don't necessarily want to be around her either.

but this puts me in a weird spot because they are like half friends. This girl is good friends with one of his roommates so she's around still and I just don't know where I fit into this or how I should act. I'm worried that I'm going to have to like hide from her essentially.

So if you have any advice about what to do in this situation or how to tread through this, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much. I love the podcast. Oh, and if you want to guess my Zodiac sign, I'll put it in the email for you to guess.

Maybe a Libra. I don't know I'm just spitballing because it's Libra season as we're recording this I don't know like if I'm like very off base with this or whatever but she wants to be mad at him and felt like she got let on that's like her prerogative like you said two people can go through the same situation and come out with very different things and like thought very different things and so like I don't necessarily think that like we can say that he didn't do anything like wrong because like also you weren't there like maybe there was something that was said that made her feel that way or maybe there was absolutely nothing at all yeah maybe he said

something like at one point i might have had feelings i thought about it but at this time i don't feel for you and she's like time's up now maybe he does and so he might have not been specific about saying no and she heard that as later well to be fair even the you retelling it of his saying that that was not a like a very clear no it's like I thought about it before which there's no reason to say that if you're not interested in someone to tell them like I thought about it at this point before and like there's nothing wrong with saying that but like i could understand that it felt like there was a door open but also i feel like he was trying to be like nicely let her down and he just wasn't clear about that you know i i don't think his intention

was to hurt her at all or even to let her know that it could possibly happen in the future she just took it the way that she took it and i think in general if you're not interested in someone telling people that like you thought about it at a point but not like that's not the way to go just say like i don't see you like that like whatever but like i don't think i think it was a miscommunication on both of their ends but she's allowed to dislike him she's allowed to shit talk him she's allowed to do all of that the thing is is none of this is your problem like if it's weird with like because like she's friends with like his roommate or whatever those aren't your people those are like his people and like him and her they're not even friends it's just

like civil she doesn't want to be around either of you it sounds like which is completely valid and fair but like i think you're kind of worrying about something that hasn't happened yet and like i don't know what what you want to happen because like she doesn't like like you valid she's hurt by the situation so what else is supposed to happen like is she supposed to leave that friend group but is it valid for her not liking her just because she's dating someone you can dislike someone for any reason all that it matters is like there's no like if you guys are all just civil i don't think that there's anything like wrong with that at all but like if she's gonna be mad she is like it's her prerogative to be upset but like you don't you're not responsible

for like not making her upset or like changing that dynamic between you guys like if she's mad she can be mad she can be mad she can stay mad is it upsetting your boyfriend like is he anger about it if not then i don't because the question she had was like what should i do nothing like let her exist over there you exist over here your boyfriend's over here with you she's gonna be around this is just like part of college it's a small you know community as it is just she can exist you can exist don't do anything about it like if he doesn't say anything or do anything then it's not your place to confront her yeah and you said that you feel like you're gonna have to be like dodging her or hiding from her like you didn't do anything no and i've been

in situations where it's like my high school boyfriend and i broke up and like he started like seeing this new girl and i got fucked over essentially like with how i found out granted my response was to have sex with her ex-boyfriend but like when if there were parties or something like our friends sure is it like not the greatest thing ever but it was like if I got invited to a party and like she wanted to come they would be like heads up to both of you she's gonna be here are you cool are you cool and then we as the two individuals who were not cool with each other that would be up to us to decide if we were gonna see each other that night like if she said that she wants to be civil with your boyfriend she's gonna be civil with you but i also don't think

that like you're gonna like really see her because i don't think your boyfriend really wants to see her so if like you're at a party like but even if you did just ignore her and live your life well because like they're not trying to stay friends and so i'm like i don't foresee how he is going to act with her will be any different than how you will act with her so like i think you're just annoyed with how she's talking shit and i think you're getting kind of protective people talk shit all the time you just know what's happening i'm promised this sounds bad but like other people have talked shit behind your back and you have no idea like this is just a time that you know and i understand that that can be really frustrating but like

it has nothing to do with either of you and it doesn't sound like she's trying to create a mess it sounds like she's also really trying to avoid oh she is trying to create a myth so she's talking bad about him to all their friends their mutual friends yeah but i i mean in the sense that like i don't foresee her like coming up to you guys at a party and like trying like i think that she will try and dodge you as much as you are going to be trying to dodge her the reason why you know she's talking shit is because of the other friends and i think just tell those friends hey we don't want to hear about her anymore if she's talking shit like at the same time depending on how close of friends i was like i wouldn't feel comfortable like being friends with someone who just like

let someone else like talk mad shit about me and like the i mean in like her room or friends with the roommate or whatever but it's like if you're gonna talk shit about me and then the other party is gonna tell me either tell me and be like she tried to talk shit we're not friends anymore that was really cross the line i wanted you to know that but versus like yeah she like talked my ear off for like hours about how much you suck and i'm like and you just you're cool with being friends someone who like talks like that about me like it just to me if it bothers the roommate or whatever and like he doesn't want to be friends with her anymore that should be his choice or just like don't tell us when he she's talking shit about us like that's irrelevant to us yeah i think my

main thing is it's not your problem no at all it's your boyfriend's problem if he wants it to be a problem if she's just over here bitter and talking shit whatever damn if he has a problem with it then he talks to her if he doesn't we know that she is not somebody that you want to hang out with yeah and it sucks and i think it like definitely sucks to like felt like betrayed and let on or whatever but like there are two sides to every story and there's also the interpretation that each person has of that and so like she wants to be mad she's allowed to be mad somewhere else as long as she's not involving you guys directly you don't have to address her or dress it directly at all yeah to a lot of these things when people are like trying to like make you upset or whatever

being unfazed by all of it will also make you care less just by nature like even if you care now the more you practice just ignoring it and not caring about it eventually you're just not going to care about it or think about it yep okay we'll take a quick break and be right back okay we are back and working into the rest of the calls hi megan and melissa i'm a 29 year old email I use she her pronoun and I'm calling about a guy I recently started seeing he's 30 and he uses he him pronouns so I met this guy on bumble about two months ago we have hung out several times since then and we both have been really enjoying each other's company I am excited about him because I recently stepped out of my whole phase and I'm now looking for my person

this guy and I have a lot of interests in common like he's one of the only people in my wife that would happily spend an entire afternoon just hiking in the woods with me he works on home remodeling and tile work which i think is so hot like it's just keep me dreaming he's a hard worker who's been working in that field since he was 19 he also owns his own home and he makes pizzas and bread he's just been amazing so far but the reason i'm calling is he drives one of those big white work van and that's like what he uses for work obviously it has a ton of equipment inside and stuff but for one of our dates we were going to this nice restaurant and he insisted he would drive us I didn't realize he only had the van so I was surprised when that's when we rode to our

gate in I feel really really bad for saying it I feel bad like I really but I don't necessarily really want to roll up to a nice bar and jazz club in his work van. I am very proud of what he's accomplished in his life so far. And he says that having the van is just what makes more sense to him since he previously had a separate car, but never really drove it. So he sold it. I don't want him to go out and buy a car or anything, but I'm seriously wondering, is this something I keep to myself? Like never bring it up to him and maybe just offer to drive us on dates?

or am i a bad person for being slightly embarrassed to ride around and he's working i don't know please help you keep it to yourself you keep it this is one of those things this is one of those feelings that you have that you recognize i'm not being kind i'm not being nice and i am being i'm worrying about other people's opinions and i'm kind of being a little um a little classist like working class kind of thing and like everybody feels those at some point we all have like implicit biases but also just based on how our society is this is one of those things that i would just not say to him let's say you start like way down the road or whatever and you feel more comfortable just being like oh i'll drive this is something that i would

tell my friends, I would call it weird mood. I would just be like, just gave me like a little like weird kind of vibe because I wouldn't have been used to it and like wouldn't be what I was expecting. Ideally, I think like if you switch the idea of it, my immediate like negative connotation would be like, oh, this feels weird because it feels like he's like unaware that this is a little odd. But on the flip side, it could be very hot that he literally does not give a shit about what anyone else thinks but my only other thing is is it a little bit reckless in the sense that like he has a lot of equipment in there that like that's where i was gonna go he shouldn't be because i have a friend one of my friends in high school her parent her mom owned a landscape

company she didn't own her own car but so if she was like going to borrow her mom's car use her car like she just bent like unload a lot of shit in order to like drive it and like leave it at the school because like it's just not safe to keep a lot of equipment in the car especially if you're passing that off so maybe he's just like a little unaware of that yeah but also if he wasn't i'm guessing if he's being safe and stuff if he sold it in the last couple years he wasn't going anywhere because of like the pandemic he was just going to work he was like i don't need a second car so it a waste of money. So I would, I understand where you're coming from. I know it's a little superficial, but I do understand where you're coming from. I would just say,

I would keep my actual thoughts to myself until, you know, later down the line. But I would say, so we don't have to drive your work car around because it has equipment and things in it. Let's just take my car, you know, and it's like heteronormative anyway for him to be driving on all the dates as it is so you know break those type of cycles and just offer to drive when you go on dates because you don't want him driving his equipment around yeah but i think also if you guys continue to date i think you will by nature of it you'll care less i said but i don't think so early on in dating i'm also seeing how other people respond to like the person i'm seeing like how like how they treat waiters how like waitresses respond to them like how just how he

interacts with the world and how the world interacts with him to like make sure that like I don't have rose colored glasses on and it like kind of aligns and all of that and so early stages of dating you are hyper aware of like how other people are viewing the person that you are with because you don't really know them that well and I think that the more you get to know him I think like if his reasoning behind driving his work van is like that oh I just like don't really care what anyone else thinks like i that to me is like hot as shit but if he's just like oh well i don't really have another car like yeah it's dirty and gross and like i think it's great if we take your car i'd totally rather do that i think like there is a reasoning kind of behind it i don't think

this is like a deal breaker kind of like person like a thing that's going to like uncover itself like down the road for anything like that i think it's either based on convenience that he's doing it and like you said like the heteronormative like oh i want to pick you up and like do all that kind of stuff and like he doesn't want to ask you to drive when mott's and i went on our first date his car was in the shop and he didn't want to tell me that or like ask me to drive on our first date so he borrowed one of his friend's cars and like i didn't know that till way later because he was like embarrassed like embarrassed to like tell me and like whatever i would not be proud of myself for feeling this way but i would feel the exact same way and but i think now that

i'm in a long-term relationship if moths had like a work van that we were taking somewhere like if there's something like that now and like i just i wouldn't care do you know what i mean like i'm very i wouldn't really give a shit but i also would feel comfortable saying like let's just take my car blah blah blah whatever but it's early on so you can't necessarily have those really candid conversations so i think you just propose like you said i think it's a good call it's always we don't have to take your work van you can take mine it's one of those things that like we all we all do and then you go i don't love i don't love that i'm actively doing this you know i like cars so i i get where she's coming from to be fair i think like i would so much

rather this than a guy who picks me up and his car is like completely trashed and like just like so dirty and i'm having to like maneuver through like your car can be messy just like put it either in the back seat or like in the trunk but like if i'm if you're like cool with or my first impression of you is like me climbing over garbage in your car like i feel like you don't like me that much yeah you don't like me that much you don't care if we're planning on hooking up later your house is probably dirty like there's just a lot of impressions that come from it probably ball smell like macaroni and cheese expired macaroni and cheese powder from 2018 does it expire No, you're right.

That sounds like a Y2K food. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Excellent. Dear Megan and Melissa, I've been listening to the podcast for over two years now, and I never really felt like I needed to make a call to you guys until now. Something is telling me you might be able to help me, so here I go.

About three months ago, I got tired of being lonely and decided to join a dating app, and I actually met someone. It was supposed to be a one-time thing, if you know what I mean, but after meeting them, I actually kind of fell in love with them, and we started dating. We went on many dates, and I genuinely hadn't been that happy in a very long time, and my friends noticed that, too. I felt so comfortable around him that I dropped everyone else's opinion, except my close friends, of course, and came out to the world. Shortly after we had been dating for about three weeks, I started going to his place for dinner slash staying the night, and we grew closer. About two months in, he told me that he loved me, and I felt the same way, so I said it back.

However, I was so swooned and excited not to be lonely and single anymore that I was ignoring the red flags. Not the kind where you feel like they are cheating on you, but the kind where they are putting in bare minimum effort and you are doing the most. The thing that I noticed first is that he was terrible at communicating. And I'm going to give you an example. Before I changed jobs, I worked in later shifts, and he worked early in the morning. So we would sometimes plan to get breakfast together before we had to go in. One morning, he ended up not having to work and decided to sleep in without telling me. And I went all the way to the restaurant expecting him to be there at about 6 a.m.

I might add and he never showed in fact even when he did wake up he didn't text me until later that afternoon this happened two times and I told him that this is something that I let slide at first after telling him many times I finally sat down with him one night and told him if these things don't get better it's just not going to work another thing that he likes to do is go to bars with friends or even just talk to random strangers there without me and I totally get wanting alone time but there's other ways to do this and he's never taken me once with him and refuses to let you drive him home after he's been drinking. As a person with severe anxiety, that doesn't make me feel great at all. One last example is that I came to his house for dinner and he called me and told

me he was coming home right after work. I got to his house for dinner at seven with his parents and he called me at nine telling me he was on his way home. His parents went to bed and I then proceeded to sit in his kitchen for three hours trying to get him to pick up the phone wondering if he's even alive. I then find out that he was at the bar and didn't even let me know. In my book, these are things that I want in a relationship. Communication, consideration, and compromise. If someone is communicating to you that something is bothering them, it would be considered to them to think of your feelings and go to the bar when we can both go. You know, I'm only 20. I'm not 21, but there are bars that we could both go to where he could drink and I could just have food, whatever. I was

about to break up with him, but then I had a conversation with his mom and she told me that he was on the autism spectrum, which in no way changed how I feel about him. But I feel like maybe that was the reason he was bad at communicating. I know that not everyone is affected by this the same way, but many of my autistic friends are also not the best at communicating. He also told me that worrying about him the way that I do makes him feel trapped. And I don't want to be putting him through mentally pain like that. I will say my first instinct at the beginning of this call was I can kind of be like this. And I did wonder if he was, I thought maybe ADHD or neurodivergent straight to the autism part. Has he told you this? Have you had

conversation with him about that or like just his mom and like did you then have a conversation with him after it was like hey your mom told me that like I mean to me it really does not feel like her place to tell him that at all and like that is a red flag that like not that he didn't tell you it's whenever he wants to open up about that but that his mom chose to do that for him I don't like. I can't speak on this in regards to autism because I am not autistic, but if I speak on it in regards of ADHD and it's, they're, they're very different things. And so this might not be applicable, but for me, I understand a lot of people like don't feel comfortable opening up about their, if they're neurodivergent or any like mental health stuff or just anything, like

you don't have to like disclose any of that kind of stuff. But for me, there are some things that like no matter how hard I work at them I'm not going to kind of measure up to other people for that and like I like to let people know ahead of time which I will be like if I'm on a different podcast or even on sets I'm like feel free to tell me if I'm talking way too fast like I have ADHD my brain works really fast also tell me if I skip over a word sometimes I can do that and like I will kind of give people a precursor to this for being like hey I'm letting you know that I have this and that can be this this and this I want you to feel comfortable telling me and I want you to tell me if I'm doing this so I can like work on that because there's only so much I can do but

what can really help me is like having someone like just letting someone know that they can like let me know if I'm doing one of these things that I'm aware that I do but I'm not necessarily aware in the moment like I'm not consciously choosing to do that if I were him I would have like I think that you would have felt very differently for certain parts of this if like an earlier on conversation was just like hey as a heads up I'm not great at communicating and even if it wasn't specifically saying like I'm autistic but it's like hey I'm neurodivergent I have some trouble with communicating here's the best way that this works for me what's the best way it works for you so like we can be on the same page I don't think and again I don't want to speak on this to me this

just says like sketchy and mean I feel like he's hiding something and without the factoring in autism like it feels like love bombing and like rushing into a relationship lots of love bombing and then the rose-colored glasses are off and this is who he is and like this is like not even just bad communication like this is sketchy behavior right and even when he said that you seem controlling when you're caring about him if that's okay so he communicated that to you why didn't he communicate the other thing so then you would have known or even now like now that this has been communicated to you have things changed because now you know there's not anything that's being kept away has he made any steps to make the communications the communication better

well and it's also odd because like not only is that really like i would say that's like very nuanced that's like some communication like that's that's great communication a lot of people won't be able to like say that like immediately like in relationships at all but also like two months in he said I love you first that's also like communication like to me

this doesn't feel like a communication issue to me this feels like sketchy and disrespectful and I'm hiding something he goes to bars and doesn't go to ones that like he knew that going into this that you were younger

so you couldn't go to bars so like Why won't he go to bars that you can go to too? I will also say that like, it can be really hard to recognize love bombing. But like, if we look at the timeline of this, three months ago, you joined a dating app. Three weeks, you started having sleepovers and like really started getting incredibly close.

But like basically after your first date, you started dating. Yeah, the caller went into it as this is just somebody that they wanted to hook up with. But if you think about it, it's only been three months and then month two, I love you. And by month three, there are all of these kinds of issues.

The dual rose colored glasses should still be on at this point. Like this is still like, I'm not farting in front of you. Like we're like honeymoon phase. You want to spend all your time with like this person. Like the fact that it's gone into like a, oh, I'm leaving you at my parents' house and I'm not going to show up and I'm going to do all of this kind of stuff. Like that is not three month in best foot forward behavior. And he did the best foot forward behavior first.

he got you and then he dropped the act and that to me is like there's that shift that like does not seem to like line up with this being how he always it you know what I mean like I you're upset and you're kind of surprised and shocked by this behavior and the fact that it keeps happening and that's because you didn't sign up for this the beginning because he didn't do that and it wasn't that he didn't have the opportunities to do that he just chose not to Yeah. So this just it feels very, very sketchy. And especially what you brought back up was the your constant like worrying about me feels really controlling. I'm like, this is somebody who wants to make you think that you are driving them into the arms of somebody else. Like this is someone who's like, you are controlling versus your care. no I mean my toxic advice get one of your friends put on some disguises follow him in your car hide out see him go into a bar if he was a friend you don't know maybe have that friend go into the

bar suss out the situation from there um but that's because I'm dramatic and I would want to catch him doing something my non-toxic advice is to be straightforward with how you feel about him making plans without you and how him not communicating you understand that he is autistic but there's a way for you guys to communicate without you having to worry so much yeah there's some type of communication that can happen there's some type of planning to go places that you both can go to there's some type of not abandoning you at his parents house i just want to know what time you are spending with him now because this really does seem like that love bombing you're spending all your time together and this kind of thing now but it's like are you seeing him like what

do you guys do when you see him what is your quality time with him do you have those dates you go on like not to put these like sketchy things in your head but like is there a certain area of town you only go in when you're on dates there's certain days of the like does it feel like you are being scheduled on a shift like somebody else might have another shift you know it sounds bad but like it's just such classic classic love bombing he behaved in a way that got you guys together that had you fall so fast and then he ripped the rug out from underneath you and told you that you're controlling it's like he sold you on an idea of this relationship in him and now he's showing you his true colors and being upset with you for feeling like betrayed

or feeling like bamboo like bamboozled hoodwinked like yeah and there's nothing wrong with like wanting to have your friends and doing all of that kind of stuff but like there is like boundaries and that kind of there's a middle point yeah i don't know i think this is really sketchy i also think in general things that move really really fast like this you gotta pump the breaks and I think just for the way you're saying it I think you're kind of recognizing that because the way you led the whole timeline was kind of on his accord and then you were catching up and you were like he said I love you and like then I like you weren't the one when those relationships that are like people were like well my I knew immediately and I go that's because both of you

no one was doing everything one person would do something the other person like you're meeting each other there but if one party is like driving forward that and you feel that as well but you're not like comfortable necessarily saying it or whatever if someone is so so quick and comfortable to like lay it all out there immediately hard on their sleeve and all of that without knowing that you feel the exact same way I don't want you to be that reckless with your heart because that makes me feel like you'll be really reckless with mine right but if there are anyone who feels comfortable who wants to hop in with a don't blame them who is autistic and can talk about like dating because we can't speak on that part at all obviously everyone's experiences are different but if we're

missing something crucial here, please let us know. Speaking of don't blame them. What a good segue. This is don't blame them. This is where a caller will call in with their own advice from a previous episode. So, I mean, just like I said for the last one, but maybe they have personal experience, maybe something that we missed, or maybe they just have their own opinions that they want to share hi there i was just listening to the podcast uh about the sororities and i am i graduated a couple years ago but i was in a sorority while i was in college and the person that i am now would probably never have joined the sorority i just wanted to offer my perspective i joined a sorority because i wanted a community and i and i wanted best friends like i had never

really had that in high school and I was looking for that in college. And I found that in a sorority and I live with my sorority sisters to this day. So I wouldn't necessarily go back and change it. But the longer I was in that sorority, the more I found that me and my friends, who I love so much, our values were not aligned with that of the sorority. We had similar values ourselves, but when it came to sorority values and what they cared about was not the same. And that really tears you down after a while. And I just kind of look back now and I'm like, I could have joined clubs. I could have joined many other things to develop friends and have a larger social scene. So I just want to offer that perspective. Thank you. Absolutely. Great call. There's a lot

of people who walk away from a sorority with like four or five really great friends and like you fucking hate the rest of them. And that is still a win. But yeah, I wish more social options were like clubs feel so they didn't feel like the same level of commitment friendship wise as like greek life they felt a little bit more passive and like a little less involved i think most of them feel like that because you aren't paying financially to be for sororities you pay to be involved that's true you make a different type of commitment you say vows yeah no i because i pledge there was one club that like it's the same like they like it was like a surf club they all hung out like constantly like it was like the same group of people and all of that and i was like this is

kind of like a fraternity or sorority co-ed kind of thing like they were like kind of like high school cliques where it's like people had their like thing in that social group i mean i was in the student government and they were so cliquey it was a different level of cliquey and then everybody was bitchy towards each other this one guy that lived in my dorm he and i were friends i would say freshman year but then he's like this was before i was like you know looking at people's values as a whole very he's very conservative very i gave a speech for him to run for something that was a non-partisan thing and he got mad because i didn't get my like sorority sisters to vote for him and i was like how do you even know because the votes were

they're not public votes so you're just making assumptions yikes i feel like it depends on the sorority because you know panhellenic it's gonna be more you join who picks you and in phc you go to where your values are so you don't discover that three years in and look around you you know it beforehand and that's what you go for yeah i think if panhellenic sororities want to make any sort of progress and headway that should be that should be the case too because it benefits everybody like the way that some girls who were treated in my sorority that like other people like were like oh we're slippins they don't like them everybody was miserable nobody liked that and it's just not it doesn't it doesn't help anyone well that is it for our episode if you want to leave

a review get ahead of rachel leaving her negative review should we we read one positive one oh yeah yeah spilling the tea from mrs nope okay so it's not leslie nope i found this podcast through a recommendation sometime back in season one it was one of the first podcasts i had ever listened to and still do don't blame me is relatable and funny and I have to actually try not to laugh when I listen to it in my college classes amazing now here we are a few years later and I'm making my boyfriend listen to it he loves it too I love when people's like significant others will like want to participate in it someone posted that in the Facebook group recently that they were like on a road trip or like got into like one episode on a road trip and then like

their partner followed up and they were like hey did they like do enough like was there enough dude on that like what happened i was like love that so if you want to leave us a review please do we gotta we gotta compensate for rachel because rachel is on schedule every two weeks rachel is on a schedule and she's going for it and if uh we need to we need to balance it out we are also on patreon if you have not checked us out there we do video version all the video versions of the podcast we also do a zoom live stream twice a month really fun affordable a dollar for the videos five dollars for the live stream you can add you know as much money as you want if you're like oh i'm related to i keep just saying jeff bezos i don't know any other rich

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fuller in this they're over lined okay but yeah this looks great i finally got it in my hands a brave behind the webcam look at self-discovery kirkus reviews thanks kirkus so yeah anyone wants to get it link in my bio everywhere for it and if you want to order from a local bookstore you can always call and order oh right there on the book it's uh the cover it says i know it said it on the hardback but it says creator of the hit podcast don't blame me this is real this is me i know you love that movie um i speaking of musicals from the beginning see how it came around i know how much you love that one uh follow me on instagram she is not melissa okay any any any oh merch yes i've got some on if you're watching very cute check it out we have it

linked to everywhere it's amazing it's adorable and also doubles as taylor swift merch and therapy merch yep if you're listening this long wow this is really gonna weed out everybody who has not listened this long now that's the point of it comment on our last instagram post what your favorite musical is and let us know and we will see you next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs?

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