Don't Blame Me! - S8E23: Lazy Roommate

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:  Roommate not taking care of their dog Going on a trip with your old friends with benefits Not trusting your friend's boyfriend Spending the holidays with your boyfriend's estranged family Girlfriend gets a lot of compliments   Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me  Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891    Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me this is an incredibly exciting episode because we are in person together for the first time in since august and it's october yeah it's been a long long time coming and we are so excited to be back we're in melissa's new place i got to see it for the first time like a whole like cute little studio recording studio she doesn't live in studio she lives works and breathes in one room that'd be pretty hard for a podcast i mean that's essentially what i was doing in my old place that is true i'm glad to be out yeah we're so excited to be here and i guess i should introduce us i'm megan if you are new here and i'm joined by who what is the only other name i've said melissa

so exciting it's a me melissa amari i saw a tiktok of someone who as like an insult they were saying like you look like you pronounce mario mario and they were like do you not i was like even on the east coast i would think yeah but also like isn't like that east coast jersey italian exactly would they say matt mario matt mario i love that that's one of mozzanine's favorite like little bits to do is to pretend that we are new jersey italians and we call each other anthony and it's like a whole thing so whatever we're an advice podcast where we give you advice and uh it's fantastic it's wonderful it's life-changing we've won so many awards nobel peace prize grammy emmy stream now that one seems a little too close don't we

definitely have not i've put us in for nominations about three times but i know we're not david dobert oh thank i wake up every day and i'm like god i'm not david dobert although not too deep did win the first one but that was before david domic had a podcast b d b d d i love bdd before david yes yes uh i'm waiting for the vlog squad stands to come please please i need some good entertainment i was following this guy on tiktok who had this it was captain america he had like the shield that you could throw and it would come back and i followed him for a long time because his videos were really interesting but then he connected with david dobrik and it was after like it was recent oh yeah and i immediately said unfollow and left yeah i'm lucky that i have

a sixth sense when it comes to david dobrik adjacent it is wildly disappointing well so yeah i guess i should tell you the phone number to call if you want to call in and get some wonderful advice. It is 310-694-0976. And international listeners, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com. Got to keep it all under three minutes. And the best way to do that is to write everything down that you're going to say. Make sure you don't like leave out any details. We have your age in there. Everything that is incredibly relevant. Don't need to know your zodiac sign no thank you we do need to know that you're here with us on a spiritual level so please call in today namaste uh what else you'll be 18 or over have your parents permission

and yeah when you practice it write it down and then time it so you can make sure you're under three minutes it's not hard to stay under three minutes three minutes is actually a very long time and a lot of people they'll start rushing at the end and they have like a whole minute left yeah so as long as you've written it down you will be good you'll be solid and we ask this because that's how we can give the best possible advice because sometimes we might assume if you like leave out some crucial information we might assume the worst i'm not an assume the best kind of person and we have in the past yeah because we thought we were putting two plus two together and we got six instead of four yeah not my fault i can't do math not my fault i'm not good at math

um well what's new with you honestly nothing i can't think of a single thing that's new with me since the last time we recorded on friday i got like a six hour massage treatment that was lovely i'm so happy for you i went and socialized with some friends wow i thought that there was only because usually this group of friends there's only like six of us but it was a whole party and our core group we were all kind of like in the corner it was outside yeah we were in a corner where like we wouldn't have came if we knew it was gonna be the same people yeah like this has taken my whole like anytime i want it like i mean by anything social my first question who's gonna be there and like covet has taken it to a different level for me the thing is like i usually know and

so i just assume yeah because it's usually just like six of us hanging out in the backyard chilling but it was a whole thing you got bamboozled 40 people there hoodwinked yeah what's the other one bamboozled hoodwinked led astray led astray i also like to say the wool was pull over my eyes have you seen people on tiktok misinterpreting you can't stop the beat i can't that fucking video of the girl who was like wow this movie is really racist like how did we never talk about this and it was like ma'am have you ever are you actually watching this it's the whole thing is about you know fighting racism also uh body shaming as well and that's like the b plot i'm like the a plot is racism yes like forefront like what it's like not even like that didn't

translate to the movie like no no stage production production movie it like killed me when i saw that video but the comments are still my favorite part yeah wow wow wow good old tiktok another week of musicals another week of who are we gonna piss off this week the musical community my b the tiktok like hole that i have gotten into is people's overseas their quarantine like new zealand was like a 14-day quarantine and then hong kong was 21 days it's just been so interesting to like see all of their meals and to like see all it's like a very weirdly satisfying thing like they unbox their meals every time and all that and the girl from new zealand is like so like kind and like so sweet and like every time someone's responding be like you have to pay for this she was like you

must be fucking american you idiot and i'm like love that energy like i live for this and they're like your freedom is being taken away she goes no my freedom was to leave the fucking country and i know what i fucking signed up for that i had to do this you dipshit like get the fuck out of my comments but take a mind the videos are very much like and then i got this salmon it was really delicious i loved it and she's like showing it all pretty but then in the comments she's just like roasting people be like get out of here like i don't give a shit this is so great so that's been the tiktok poll that i've been in which has been highly entertaining but then when you get to some of the ones where people are in like you know people go from specifically america to places

overseas and they quarantine and just stop recording you eating this food and reacting to it because like it's just so racist like and you just need to you just need to stop and then stop talking about like when you're eating this being like only one is mcdonald's like where's the normal food and i'm like nope nope nope so you're in a different place even if you go get mcdonald's it's not going to be the same and if you want to talk about like the term normal it's offensive there but if you want to like specifically talk geographically that is like you're the one that is the anomaly you are the one that does not fit in and it's like i was like i can't um well i guess we should start getting some advice. Yes. Hi, Megan and Melissa. My name is Ness and I'm 23

years old and I use they, them pronouns. I've been wanting to call in for a while now in regards to this problem having, but I've been too nervous until now. I'm just absolutely fed up at this point and I don't know who else to talk to with this. So I thought might as well push past the anxiety and call you too. So long story short, my roommate, let's call them Jay. They are 22 years and they use they, them pronouns as well. They're very lazy and mopey and just in general a very complainy person. They have a large golden retriever and they take care of it way less than they probably should be.

And it's starting to not only affect the dog's mood but mine as well. Jay sleeps until 10 a.m. when they have to go to work and maybe half of those times they have enough time to take the dog out to pee. Other than that, the dog has to hold it and stay in the apartment alone until they get back. Plus, Jay never takes the dog on walks, so he's not even getting exercise. In the past, the dog became 100% my burden because I felt bad for him, so I took him on walks and fed him and played with him, etc.

A couple of weeks ago, I stood my ground and told Jay that I couldn't have this happening and that I couldn't be the dog's only means of exercise and meals anymore since I have my own life and job. It got better for a week or two, and now it has all hit the fan, and I'm about to literally snap. I don't know what to do. My other roommate may take more and take more of the dog. And I know I don't want to take care of responsibility that isn't mine. But I also feel so bad for the poor dog. I wouldn't go more into detail about how this roommate doesn't pitch in when it comes to chores or cleaning supplies and leaves the common spaces an absolute wreck.

But I don't want to run out of time. I've already spoken up once today about my annoyance qualities. this but the thing is I'm scared to say anything again because I don't want them to hate me what do I do please help thank you in this situation I believe it's okay if you let someone hate you because this dog is their responsibility and they're not taking care of their dog and that is abuse. And so you said it got better. I would keep talking to them about it. Like I don't care if they won't like you. It doesn't matter because they're abusing this animal. Yeah. From what it seems like, and correct me if I'm wrong, it seems like there are three roommates. It doesn't sound

like you are incredibly close friends with any of these people. So it sounds like to me that this isn't so much of a case of i want to preserve this friendship it's more i have to live with this person and i wonder if you're the part of the reason you're worried about them hating you is that it will then get vindictive and spiteful and everything that they're doing will get worse because they will be like mad and angry and that is something that's completely unavoidable like if they're gonna hate you for this that's on them and i think like it would be incredibly hard to watch someone abuse their dogs and just not be present and all of that like it's really really bad and so i think that like saying something to them you should do that but i think you also kind

of need to come up with a game plan of like what other actions to do because it doesn't really seem like that worked long term but in on the other hand like it did work for a bit and so as much as it sucks maybe it is that constant reminder so like you get those like couple weeks where it's good and then when it's not and then when it's good and then when it's not and so it sucks to kind of have to parent or like a roommate and like keep them on top of something like that so yeah i think it's like either it's like a constant reminders which totally totally sucks but then maybe it's the conversation of being like hey so we talked about this before and this is something that got a lot better for us like a period of time and now it feels like it's worse

than ever how can we figure this out and put that on them and like have this conversation like what can we do because what's happening right now is not working i don't know what they'll say from that but it's like okay so would it be helpful for you if what if we made a chart on that we put on the door that's like or if you got up earlier to make sure you had time to take the dog out or you took you took a dog on a walk at this time every day or you hire a dog walker or something like that where again it's parenting a roommate and kind of hand-holding them through like how to be responsible which sucks but i think that's kind of like your only other option besides like i wouldn't call like the any sort of like animal safety thing because a lot of the time they'll

just not look into it and they'll just like you they'll take the dog and the dog not not a great system a lot of the time yeah or you again just take that responsibility of the dog yeah um when I had a roommate she was constantly out of town and wouldn't tell me and left her cat there and so I would just feed the cat because the cat would be like outside my door crying whining so then I just took it upon myself like I'll take care of the cat and I I didn't say anything because it wasn't it's not like a dog where you have to take them outside to use the bathroom and stuff it's more it's just me opening up a can of cat food but yeah it's a lot i had a very similar situation like this happen and my solution is not attainable i just moved like that's what i did and it had

gotten to be like very very very bad this person would go out of town and i would come back and like the dogs would be there and i'd be like and then find out like two days like i'm like okay guess you're not here i guess uh well and like it's horrible and it really really sucks so i really really feel for you we both can relate like really feel for you on that but yeah i don't think moving is attainable kind of thing or if it's like bothering you and the other roommates maybe when the lease comes up again kick them out yeah it's not a bad idea or maybe there's something in your lease that they have they have not abided by and honored that you could is the dog on the lease yeah the dog's supposed to be on the lease yeah that's all a golden retriever that's a big

dog i know it just breaks my heart like i don't know how you could like look at that precious little face and be like no i'm not gonna give you i'm not gonna take you for a walk maybe like stage someone a kidnapping find someone to adopt the dog but say that the dog got loose and ran away yeah well first you gotta see if the dog's shipped i'm gonna say no that's not real advice okay next call hey guys i'm 25 and use she her pronouns and the story i'll be talking about a guy who will call k who is also 25 and uses he him pronouns so for background i met k when i was a freshman in college we met through mutual friends freshman year we became good friends and would hang out with all of our mutual friends together but i had a boyfriend at the time and

i never thought that he liked me until my mutual friend told me that he did but nothing ever came of it because I was in a relationship at the time. My boyfriend and I at the time were on and off for most of college, and Kay was kind of always my go-to when I was single, and I was it. When I wasn't in a relationship, he and I would both text each other and be each other's 2 a.m. booty calls. Things never went more than cuddling in bed and making out. We were each other's best friends throughout college for sorority and fraternity formals. Kay and I have hung out once since graduating college. I have since moved away from the town we went to college in and every two months or so Kay will text me and check in on how I'm doing. Oftentimes I can tell that he is drunk

when he's texting me because it's later at night and he gets a little bit of liquid courage and will tell me that he likes me or previously he's kind of alluded to him wishing that he had asked me out in college. Every time I hang out with Kay or get a text from him I get butterflies in my stomach and I do think that he and I could have had something really great. But at this stage in my life, I want to stay in the town that I'm currently living in because it's where I grew up and where my family is. He lives six hours away in the town that we went to college in and it's also where he grew up and where his family is. I would never expect this friendship to turn into anything more, nor do I think that I really want it to because of us having not hung out very

much in the past four years, as well as neither of us moving to where the other one is. That being said Kay texted me the other day saying that his friends will be going on a cruise next August and is wondering if I would be his plus one for it and that all my expenses would be paid for. Now my question is, do I go on that cruise when I know that I'll be sharing a room with him and knowing that he does continue to have a crush on me? I kind of really want to, but I've been talking to my friends about it and I'm getting mixed opinions from them. I think it's probably important to note that uh while i have not hung out with him in a while i do trust him wholeheartedly and it's also important to know that he didn't date anyone all of college and to my knowledge has still not

dated anybody since college look forward to hearing your guys's advice bye i don't even like cruises but you should go on the cruise 100 i hate cruises as well to semi-quote the uh woman from the lou laroe documentary it's just something about being in the middle of the ocean with a whole bunch of white people not my thing um that was like when i saw that on tiktok i was like i gotta watch this documentary wasn't that great um but yeah i go why not i think the reason that you're saying that you're like i have no intention of moving from where i am he has no intention of moving for from where he is like we haven't really seen each other so like not saying like we're gonna immediately gonna date at all that's his mindset too like there is no misleading here at

all unless you've had a conversation about like wanting today like in him being drunk i think i should have asked you out or whatever like this is not any sort of misleading either way because again at the end of the day like you both know that you like where you live this is where you want to end up and you're six hours apart from each other like yeah that sounds like a dream to me yeah especially and then like maritime law you know you're in the middle of the ocean all rules there's no rules anyway like you're good yeah but yeah i think like first of all this is like the beginning of a rom like a romance novel like but yeah i think you should like totally go i don't think that there is any reason why you shouldn't i think that like i don't want to say

you're reading too much into it but i think you're being like very pragmatic about like well what if this means and what if this all of that stuff that is not your responsibility to like sift through that like all he did was ask you to go on a cruise yeah it just it seems like a fun time to me i totally know this i definitely had one of these people in college where it was like when we were both single like we would like hang out and like cuddle and like sleep together but not like a sleep have sex like never had sex and all that here's the thing we'll have sex with you and like this would be like a very fun way to kind of like go back to fun collegey thing and I think this is like honestly a very non-serious way to do it it's not him being like hey I want to fly

you out and take you on a date here like this to me seems like it has the potential that like maybe you guys will hit like it'll be so so so great that one of you will want to move and like make a relationship out of it but it seems to me like this is kind of like the 25 year old version of a 2 a.m booty call like do you want to come on a cruise like we're gonna party a ton and we can have sex it'll be really fun you should go yeah and you're already friends you don't get like a boyfriend before then because that was a long time away how are cruises in covet now i honestly don't know not to like really be a downer but i read the most depressing disturbing article about them the people living on the ship yeah yeah at the beginning of the pan or not the beginning that

was like uh it was still like it was the beginning of the pandemic but the article the specific article came out i think in like the winter time i think yeah yeah one of the most devastating things i've read ever so the beginning of the pandemic like beginning beginning they were all just like living there for like a month or two because that's how long people thought the pandemic would last it just got progressively worse a lot of people didn't have anything to go back to yeah no it was horrendous horrendous yeah as long as you're like careful and safe with covid and everything's good bring condoms bring some lube just go have fun we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back

we are back from the break we're getting to the rest of the calls i'm asking melissa i am 21 and I'm currently having a dilemma with a friend so she is someone who does not fall in love or open up to people easily she has things from her closest of friends however

for some reason she has opened up to this guy from work and we have not met him yet he is from Colombia he was here on a visa and now she is going to Colombia

And I'm freaking out. So there's a lot of sex trafficking that goes on there as well as guys using women for green cards. She's already talking about marriage and he wants to bring his mom to the U.S. That doesn't sound suspicious. I don't know what does. I'm sorry if I sound very angry. I am freaking out and I'm worried and I don't know what to do because every time I try to talk to her about it or even casually bring up and say, whenever you're ready, please talk to me,

but I have some concerns I need to share with you. He could be using you. He could be sex trafficking you. And Columbia tends to find the sweetest and kindest of guys to use to sex traffic women, and she will not. She says, I am not having this conversation right now and won't respond. There's no way to bring it up. there's no way to talk to her about it. And I don't know what to do because she's going in

November. And yeah, I just don't know what to do because I don't want to lose my friend or have her go. She said she's going to a resort somewhere safe where there's security. But that doesn't matter because I don't know her boyfriend and I can't trust him. She also said that she has life 360 with her parents and I don't understand why they're letting her go. She is 20 and it just doesn't make any sense to me and if there's anything maybe i'm just over worried i don't know uh if you i could have your input that would be awesome thank you so much i listened to your podcast since it started i just want to say thank you does this feel racist to you incredibly racist i don't know if like you live in an area where like specifically your government has been like

hi there are a lot of like very kind and sweet colombian men coming to sex traffic and taking these women who work in these fields to like you're generalizing something that you've heard and you're making it racist sex trafficking is an incredibly real thing but like it's happening a lot yeah but there is a lot of like outright propaganda and misinformation about how sex trafficking happens and if i was your friend i would be offended on both levels of this is incredibly racist and also i don't know how you got to this conclusion that's what i wanted like you're right just because you haven't met him and he's from columbia yeah like there are i really hope that there's something else that you have like left out and like missed i think also just

as like a note on top of this which is the first hint that this felt really racist the okay yes some people marry some people for green cards if that is not a conversation that that person knows what's happening like yes you can feel incredibly like used and bamboozled and all of that but just the way that you talked about it just felt like there isn't but she likes him like it's not like it's just some random dude that she met that's like come with me back to my country she works with him like at like they worked at the same place the job that they work at has all his information on file nobody ever really makes these like these claims when it's canadians it's very specific that it's like america is so great be aware of be like wary of these foreigners

who are using you because they're just trying to get into this amazing and wonderful perfect country and like again it's target towards white people from other countries so is he like substantially older than her is like is she not wanting to introduce you guys to him but prior to you having anything being held back like there hasn't been anything sketchy that you've mentioned about their relationship everything you've said is sketchy about him who you haven't met and the only thing you know about him is that a nice guy from columbia that worked with her yeah she apparently likes a lot her parents trust him because you said something like her parents are i can't believe her parents are letting her go first of all she's an adult but second of all

if they don't care why do you yeah this is just like honestly like you read a facebook post that this is what's happening and like you have an internal bias and racism that i don't think that you are aware of because i don't think you would have called into our podcast and use specific words you used if you were my friend and you came to me with that stuff i'd be like you know what you're never meeting him yeah no i would be like fuck you you do not get to like this is someone who's important in my life and like all you've shown me here in this moment is that like you're just incredibly racist like and no there's no way in hell i'm putting someone who i really care about in your orbit at all yeah i'm so lost how you i don't know it's so like obviously racist to me

that I'm like, do you hear yourself? Yeah. I, if I was your friend, I would be like incredibly, incredibly hurt. Like so hurt. And also here's the thing too. I've got like one of my really good friends, her long-term long-term boyfriend is not from the States and was on like a visa for work and all of that stuff. And like, when that was expiring, like they talked about like, well, we'll probably like, we can just get married. And I know other like friends of friends and stuff of people who are just dating. And it's like, well, I really want to continue dating you. And like, if it doesn't work out, we'll get divorced. But like, we're having this conversation that it's like, yeah, we might get married a little bit sooner. Because like, there are all

especially during COVID. There are all of these like obstacles in the way of our relationship in that way. And my friend, her now fiance ended up winning the green card lottery. So like, he didn't, they didn't need to do that. But I know some other people who got married. and like you know it was like a not a wedding wedding got married continued to date and then eventually like got engaged again and got married and all of that so there are just different ways that people go about all of this kind of stuff and if he's trying to bring his mother to united states he was already here this isn't like she met someone on facebook who was like catfishing her and being like please send me money so i can like do x like it's not that like she met somebody

in the United States who was also living in the United States who was working with her who was working with her in the United States and then like the red flag is he wants to bring his mom to the United States where he has resided and he has been working how does that have anything to do with her I would be so offended if I was your friend like the first thing you need to do if this hasn't been like a wow holy shit moment and like you can give a real honest apology unpack all that stuff first and then give her like a very genuine apology because like this is it's not it if there's something that you like you're leaving out and like which doesn't excuse like any of this but if it's like you found his name or his phone like do you like any indication also again i would just

columbia uses really sweet nice guys for sex crap what where did you get that from is it like the bachelor is there like an audition process where it's like how sweet of a guy are you like again this all sounds like like a facebook screenshot like 15 000 times post where it's like watch out for these really nice guys from columbia they will deceive you they're here to steal our daughters and also while you're at it i would look up a lot about like the actual like truth behind sex trafficking and what who it's specifically happening to and like the circumstances and situations that it happens more because that's how we can actually move forward and help those situations versus like this is giving me wayfair vibes yeah same thing same fucking thing i'm

shocked i'm like i am like i am taken aback i was as the call kept going i was like i was waiting for there to be like something it was it just kept getting worse and worse anyway yep hi i love you and i hope you guys are doing okay um let me just get right into it i'm 23 as if As she said, my partner is also 23. He goes by Houston. We've been together for two and a half years at this point. Most of it at a lot of distance. And we've had a lot of talk about the future,

and we're both really committed to each other and love each other a lot. But the problem is that my boyfriend has a really complicated relationship with his family, and that ends up affecting our relationship, too. His mom is really, really attached to him, texts and calls him all the time, and is way more involved in his life than I think she should be, that he totally says going mentally, physically, and financially independent. She'll text him if he doesn't respond.

She'll text him again and again and again and again, like that kind of thing. However, he has a really bad relationship with his dad at this point. He hasn't even talked to his dad in like six months. He mentioned going to my parents for the upcoming holidays. I'm absolutely thrilled, but I feel like that will really worsen my relationship with mom. Last year, he had committed to coming to Thanksgiving with me, And I basically stopped that the day before he was supposed to come for really not valid reasons, like not important, but not valid. I was really, really crushed and angry because at that point, it was still the midst of COVID.

And my parents took two weeks off work, got tested multiple times to make sure that we were being safe as possible, among a lot of other things. I literally took every precaution in the book, and her reason for not wanting my boyfriend to come to Thanksgiving had nothing to do with COVID at all, which I feel like might have been one of the only valid reasons. But after that, his mom called me and tried to explain, but was being really condescending and basically told me that, I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm too young, he's popular, his family's more important, that kind of stuff. I'm just nervous that she'll see him coming to Thanksgiving this year and then cheering

me over his family again, even though he really just doesn't want to be his dad for valid reasons. My parents also loved him so much, and his parents don't like me and have never made an effort to get to know me. I never felt welcomed by them or that they're excited to see me or, like I said, get to know me at all. Last year, his dad texted him right before Christmas, which he ended up spending with me and told him to break up with me because he was choosing a girl.

What should I do? Should I do anything? Should I call his mom? I don't know. um I also want to mention I'm 100% going to be going to my friends for Thanksgiving my sister just moved out and I don't want them to be alone for Thanksgiving but I obviously love them very much and haven't seen them in a while so yeah that's just kind of my dilemma I really don't know what to do and I hope you guys can give some good insight into situations thank you bye

there is nothing for you to do like this is his life and his family and his choices and stuff like the only thing that like as somebody who has a complicated um background the best thing to do in like most situations like it's kind of like overarching advice is like ask the person like what can i what do you want from me like what can i do from you like do you just want me to like for you like do you just want me to like listen do you want me to like give advice every problem solving like are you venting like let me know so i can give what you are looking for and also like not overexert myself and give you something that that's not what you're you're wanting at all So I think like it's completely valid for him if he doesn't want to spend like thanksgiving or the holidays with his family

And this is like no knock on you at all But I think like this is a really complicated relationship and I think last year you got your hopes up And so did your family and you got really disappointed And I think if he decides that he's going to come again be prepared that the same thing might happen again And like that's okay And that's not a knock against you at all And I think it's probably really easy for you to be objective and be like, well, of course, I would choose this like my family, like we're so much like it's so much more pleasant and all of that. But it's his family, there are those emotions and feelings there. So make sure you don't you and your family, like don't take it personally at all. And understand that he's going to make the best choice for him. And that choice might change in the moment. All you can kind of really do is like support him. I think yeah, having a complicated family life is like very, very hard. And if he's still trying to maintain a relationship with his mom, that's also really hard to maintain a relationship with someone who is like so overbearing and clingy and like over the top and all that.

But that's his own journey to decide how he wants to go about that relationship. And I understand his I don't understand his parents for saying that they should break up with you at all. But like like I could see how that feels like you are choosing one over the other. and I'm sure that was like a very hurtful statement to him but yeah again at the end of it like it's not about you it's about what you represent and I think like it sounds like he's probably had a pretty tumultuous home life for a while and when you guys started dating and you had this seemingly pretty picturesque or pretty like great home life relationship with your parents and all that kind of stuff like it shines a light on people who don't have that and so for him it's

like oh I really want to spend time with people like that and his parents probably like upset because that's not them and like that feels like you having a happy home life and having a good relationship with your parents feels like a personal attack it's not about you like you're representing something that they don't have and it could be anyone so I think the more that you can take it like not personally and just like support him because as annoying this is for you like it's incredibly hard for him you know yeah and you asked if you should call his mom absolutely not if they don't like you as it is it's not gonna do anything but make it worse if you want them to get to know you then maybe you guys like facetime together but like you shouldn't be the

one reaching out to his family at all and ask him like do you want me to have a relationship with your family because like he might not even care yeah and i also think that like it has so nothing to do with you that you don't need to put yourself in that like sphere in that like crossfire at all and I can't imagine that he would be like that that's something he would really need because I think before he can introduce anyone into his like he needs to really work on his relationship with his mom specifically like if he's done with his relationship with his dad like that's really fine but like sounds like he's still maintaining somewhat of a relation with his mom and like that needs a lot of a lot of work and you can't force someone or suggest anything like again just

ask what he like is looking for from you and what he needs from you and then give him that because it's hard and you both are very young too and also if he does come for like the holidays and stuff like i would just be really like cognizant and aware of the fact that like this isn't going to be the perfect holiday now for him and you're not going to be like well now we're going to show him like how great it can be and like all of that stuff that this is kind of like a solution like if he decides to come, it's still going to be really hard for him. And it's still going to be really hard, no matter how happy and great and wonderful your family are, that can kind of make it worse. It's a very, very hard time for people who don't have those kinds of family situations.

And I also think if he's going to come for anything, it'd be really great of your parents to make him feel included in the sense of like, is there any dishes that you grew up eating that we can make? Are there any traditions that you have? So he doesn't feel like, even if home life isn't great feeling you can still feel not at home in somebody else's home even if it's a very happy home because it's not yours and yours might not be great but there's something to be said about feeling included in traditions that you're not like joining something they've done for 25 years that you've never done before and now this is how everything is done um or starting new things to do together and all that yeah i mean even like with my brother-in-law's joining the family we've

incorporated some of their family traditions in our stuff so i love adding tradition even more traditions onto what we're doing or just changing because like we were we were the family that like got dressed up on the holidays and my like even before we like open presents which i like turn a look yeah megan's exactly you know me even i mean but still like uh megan's husband doesn't I mean his family wears pajamas and they like have pajama sets that they all wear and one year he couldn't they were it was because of snow they couldn't they were supposed to go down to where his family lives and they couldn't go and so we all wore pajamas and then that became a new tradition is that we wear pajamas now too yeah I love that I wish more people did that regardless

of like family like if it's tumultuous family background or not like that is incredibly helpful for people to feel included it doesn't make it feel like well next Christmas is my Christmas or next holiday is my holiday because we're doing it my way like that in between of everything I think is it benefits everybody okay do we have another one yeah hey friends um hope you guys are having a wonderful day I love your podcast um I just wanted to call in and ask a little question so I've been with my girlfriend for about four years now she is my life I love her to death i'm a libra she is a virgo we're besties um we've been together for a lot of that time and we're both uh like stem presenting with so few recently he is like objectively the

the hot one in the relationship you know like she's incredibly fucking beautiful i don't know how i bagged her she's just so beautiful and recently i feel like whenever we go out it's a little bit hard for me because everyone is constantly complimenting her and I just kind of feel like I'm in the shadow a little bit and I haven't thought it up to her because obviously like what am I going to say um and I guess more so what I'm asking for is advice on like managing my own insecurity in that way because I know it's not fair and I know it's unhealthy to compare yourself to a to a partner in that way but it's a little bit hard sometimes when you know like both put in the effort to like look nice and go out and she just gets like bombarded with

compliments from people because she's so naturally beautiful and I just don't like that's just not something that happens to me I guess I don't really know what kind of advice you could give in that situation and this is not the most coherent voicemail but that's kind of the situation I just want to know if you guys have any tips for managing my own self-perception and like working on making your worth not based off of compliments you get from people because i think i used to get complimented a lot by strangers when i was younger and now i just don't um and i have a hard time not taking that as to mean that i've gotten ugly you know i love you guys thanks so my original question before that the end of this i was gonna be like what you've been together for four years has like

something changed in the sense of i don't mean like aesthetic like looks appearance wise or anything but like has anything changed in like self-confidence or mental health wise like for you personally or even in like relationship like four years in is like a good amount of time where you don't necessarily like shower your partner with like compliments about their appearance for a lot of time or even like in the pandemic like spending a lot of time like you know at home together all of that there's a lot like less of like excitement and build up and like that kind of stuff and so that was like my original question if there's something had changed that made it be like maybe the compliments hadn't changed or shifted it was just that you were either

less receptive to hearing them for you or you were they weren't you weren't getting them as much because of just like circumstances but you said it feels like less since you've gotten older and I think that like if you take your girlfriend out of the situation that in itself I think is the root of this. It's like, I feel like I'm getting older and I feel like I am used to being complimented a lot on finding a lot of value in my appearance. But I wonder if part of it is you are worrying about aging because you've placed a lot of value on your looks. And when I tell you I had that exact conversation with Mats yesterday, Gloria in Modern Family was freaking out because she'd put her wedding dress back on. And I told Mats, I paused it. I was like, I need you to be

prepared for this will be me one day. I'm going to work so hard in therapy, but I'm like, the arc of being an ugly duckling to then being cute and then I'm like when I lose this naturally inevitably I will I will not go down without a fight and it's going to be incredibly hard like that is just like what happens to like how women are perceived in like media once they get older and all of that stuff that like I really hope that that will change in the future but I mean this would bother me too you know yeah I see a lot of Gloria in you oh here's the thing It was Cam, but I see more Gloria than Cam. It's Gloria and Cam.

When it comes to parenting, I think I will be more of like a Cam. Yeah, no, I am Gloria and Cam and a little bit of Haley. It's the dumb thing. But you're not dumb. Well, no, but she's not dumb. Do you know what I mean? She's not, but she's more reckless than you are. That is true.

You're not Haley at all. No. Anyways, I could see this being incredibly, incredibly hard. I know she mentioned age, but I think she's more so comparing herself to her partner. Yeah. So because the partner is getting a lot of compliments when they go out and she's not then now she's comparing herself to her partner. Yeah, that's hard.

I mean, I don't think from anyone I know who is in a lesbian relationship. I mean, I think the first thing I would do is like have a conversation with your partner. like do you feel like compliments affect you more when they come from her when they come from strangers yeah and then if it is strangers why is that why do you need outside validation and i think you might be able to like logic it a little bit and are we hanging out with people who i know more who have seen me more recently than i've seen her has she gotten a haircut recently is she wearing like an outfit or like something like that like am i hearing a compliment that is maybe someone noticing like oh my gosh you got your hair like it looks so good and it's that and like

because you're feeling hyper aware and self-conscious that it's translating to everyone is saying she's so beautiful and nobody is saying that to me so i think that like there is like your inner voice that i think is the first thing that i would address or i guess first unpack what it is you have been feeling. I think there is like a good point to saying like, I have been feeling like I've been comparing myself to you and feeling like really kind of like jealous. And I don't like that. And I want to tell you that. So I don't have to kind of keep sitting with that. It's a kind of it's a very feeling jealous of your partners like can be a very gross feeling. I'm not sure what I want to do or what I need to do to move forward. I'm doing a lot of self work,

but I wanted to include you. And if there's anything that I come up with in or anything that like crosses my path as I'm like working on this I'm gonna like keep you in the loop and if it's you haven't been getting a lot of compliments from her specifically recently you can say like I get a lot of validation from like words of affirmation and stuff and like I love when you thank me for doing something or you like compliment these specific things or whatever but I would love if I could get some like appearance-based compliments as well like that would feel really nice and really great make a tiktok yeah or like do something for you that makes you feel like you feel really really good and really hot so it's like regardless of

the fact of anybody else you're like here's the thing like i look so fucking hot and like i know i look bomb and if no one's if no one's saying that's because they're intimidated because i am so fucking hot like when i get dressed up and i like i like spend time getting ready and i think you can't tell me shit you can't tell me fucking shit i walk by every reflective mirrored surface and i'm pausing and i'm like the world is lucky to be in presence of me like literally i was like i have graced all of you you are blessed you are well that is how i feel there and like i don't need anybody to tell me i look nice yeah i agree but that's like where you have to get to that point yeah you have to get to that point and you gotta figure out why it bothers you so much i

would think it's probably because like you're not you don't feel great about yourself and so you are waiting for other people to kind of give their approval so then you can you've been given permission to have approval of yourself and like that's not the order of it and also that confidence through the roof like i don't think that's an attainable outlook to have every day i don't think everybody feels that way every single day if you can get there every once in a like get there and know what it takes for you to get there and the things that you can do to get there and all of that that's a great thing but you don't have to maintain that all the time you can live off of that high for a while yeah that was me in my birth on my during my birthday in palm springs like

you look great i'm like i know i look like i don't even care that i'm getting a compliment and that's where it kind of needs it needs to be that's how i felt as well and we made tiktoks yeah and we looked great and then people hyped us up yeah we were like we know we know we know Well, so we're not going to do a don't blame them because, you know, every once in a while we have calls that everybody feels so impassioned by that those are the only ones that we have where people call in for. So the same two calls, boyfriend who plays devil's advocate and then devil's advocate and maybe sexism and the other one always wanted to argue. Yes. OK, so if we don't need any more, don't blame them about those. we've already addressed them so many but uh we need some for other episodes so give us a call you got four to five per episode that you can call in maybe you love cruises maybe you know

something about cruises that we don't you're like hey this is don't blame them maybe you know tom cruise i know somebody who knows somebody who knows tom cruise well that is it for our episode if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners send an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com everything we said at the beginning applies for the calls and give us some wild cards throw some crazy ones out there you know we asked for that the last time and we got the racist one so like you know more more more i mean this is not an invitation for rachel to call in with actually actually rachel please please let's schedule a facetime yeah we'd love to pick your reign um so speaking of rachel

she's probably going to be leaving another comment so if y'all want to go and find or leave some nice reviews on the apple podcast app to make up for the negative reviews that rachel continues to leave we would greatly appreciate it love this podcast and the people from tori i hope you guys read this because i am not a rachel which i think is funny because now it's no longer i'm not specific rachel i'm not a rachel it is the new karen when i first started listening i thought you guys were mean not going to lie however i was so wrong you guys give great honest advice i've even called in and gotten some advice from you guys i look forward to my mondays of listening to this and feel like you guys are such relatable people also special

shout out to melissa who gets forgotten about in some of the calls you are literally a diamond in the rough and i hope you know i appreciate your work in this podcast thank you tori you are so kind and i do think this is like a common thing that like people think that we're mean and then they realize oh they are mean but they're also i'm just joking it's one of the things it's like here's the thing that you you go through this like cycle where it was like are they mean or was that call racist or were they mean or was this call dangerous regarding the cove regarding covid were they mean or was this call internalized misogyny and slut shaming like i think that like we have a lot of these things like ingrained in us that like when we hear like the opposing view

of it's like wow that is like so incredibly mean but then if you get a call that doesn't like force you to challenge your belief system i don't think you're gonna think we're mean right do what i mean like there's like depending on the get your tickets now for the dog stars it's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear go out there kill or be killed jacob alorti there are people out there they need our help josh brolin shoot first and inquire afterwards margaret qualley okay tough guy and guy piers arm up the dog stars directed by ridley scott in theaters friday get tickets now content of it but like we don't go into it when someone's like hey i just got dumbed and i'm like

pick your fucking self up you fucking dumb bitch like no that's not what we do that's mean that that is very mean and hurtful no like that's not us we are mean but it's like when it's warranted otherwise it doesn't hit the same either can't be on a level 10 always we're not fucking dear dear abby or delilah delilah was like a call-in radio show and she had this really soft oh fuck that and gave advice we're not heard no i want delilah called delilah hey there delilah what's it like in new york city guess what what our new podcast comes out this week holy shit oh my gosh wow wow what a treat for those of you who are still listening we're really excited if You are part of our Patreon, which is the shameless plug for our Patreon.

Go get the videos, live streams. Good time. Check it out. We have talked about this at length and we've also talked about it on our, I think we're talking about a bit on the Facebook group. Yeah, the Facebook group. They, not for a bit, they wrote in for our pilot, our proof of concept that we did. So we are excited.

We have, we've been listening to you all of saying that you like the chit chat. I mean, some of you don't like the chit chat, but like then this podcast isn't for you, but people like the chit chat and also like just hearing our takes on more stuff and we obviously just want to keep adding podcasts and things to do together so we're really excited it is called but am i wrong if you listen to every episode you specifically if you watched every episode you will know the exact moment when we realized that this was going to be like our next podcast idea think of it you know the am i the asshole kind of reddit threads but as opposed to like us reading things from people who we don't know and all of that it's a similar people write

in tell us situations in their lives that are currently happening or have happened you know like we have like that gut feeling we're like it might have been wrong it might have been me am i the drama is it me is it me and also we add a little pop culture element in there too where we we nominate people in the ether of the world that we think were wrong in situations yeah maybe it's current maybe there's like a current feud going on or there's some like celebrity pop culture drama like or anything in the news at the time but then also like old school historic pop culture kind of stuff and then also similar things in our lives but like it's very much like a chit chatty topical current kind of stuff with uh sprinkling thrown in there you know opening those like bigger

conversations that it's like not necessarily always about one person's situation and like giving advice but kind of like well shit i would have done this exact same thing am i an asshole let's talk through it yeah so it's fun you get our takes on like a lot of broader subjects and also more like random things and that stuff so we're very excited we have a trailer up so go subscribe leave a review yeah even though you haven't listened it's fine it helps that was it does leave a review it'll shoot us up the chart and then more people will be able to find us so we would appreciate it so much and um yeah go follow our instagram and our socials because we will talk about it there you are obviously listening this long go comment your favorite

emoji on our last instagram yes also buy our merch yes we have lots of cute merch go get it it's adorable everyone looks good in it we've been getting pictures everybody looks great i gotta make a collage i'll post it and follow us on social anything else you want to promote no just our podcast yeah i'm gonna promote go check out our other podcast new episode will be out on thursday so exciting look you have two days a week with us now eventually it'll be every every day um we will see you guys next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production

assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso