Don't Blame Me! - S8E24: My Colleague Cheated With Me

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:  Update: Boyfriend Doesn't Communicate Update: Boyfriend Wants To Go Out But I Don't Dating an Older Musician In Love with Colleague Don't Blame Them: Skin Picking and Dating   Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me    Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891  Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup   Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me are you familiar with the simple life starring paris and nicole yes i'm familiar with that so Would you know if I went? Icons. Always. That's like a Halloween costume. I've told Kyle over and over again. I always want us to do.

I don't know the last time we were in the same city for Halloween. Welcome to Don't Blame Me. We're an advice podcast. My name is Megan. This is Melissa. Hi. And we love to give life changing, life altering, amazing, wonderful. Shit yourself.

Barf. Die. Resurrect. Jesus. easter you got it i'm learning i can't promise i'll remember easter because all the easter advice pastels here's the thing that i i would love to like go on a deep dive eventually and figure out how we got to like the kodak hallmarkification of like well most of it is like paganism like for example even the image of santa claus as we know him today

was just created by coke i know that but like how do we get to like a bunny dropping off paganism it's all rooted in paganism i don't know much i don't know anything about paganism well that's not what this episode is nor what this podcast is about i did look into for a while we were joking about how a podcast is called bible study where you teach me about the bible it already exists though does it yeah but it's not no it doesn't have the same dynamics i feel like most podcasts exist on some type of level and it's just the people that you gravitate towards yeah it's more of a girl defined kind of vibe speaking of other podcasts oh my gosh our new podcast is out everybody it is we have our first episode out and it is called but am i wrong that's

the podcast name not the episode name we don't know what the episode we just recorded it and we're really excited about it i think it was great fun it was a blast i like loved it yeah i think if you like this podcast it's so much more about like topics and opening up those kinds of conversations but also current events, pop culture. I got to educate Melissa on the tea that is Olivia Munn, John Mulaney. And I got to educate Megan on an alleged cult. Like we live for this shit.

So if you want to check it out, available wherever you listen to podcasts. But if you go to Apple Podcasts and you leave a review, I will put out good vibes for you in the universe. If you do that, like you are so funny and hot and pretty and cool. and smart so smart like you're the full fucking package if you do that and if you don't like

maybe you have like one or two of those things and like it's okay not everybody can be everyone it can be the full package yeah everyone needs like supporting character do you want to be a main character do you want to be the supporting character in your own life right we're doing an ensemble cast right now oh yeah you can be in the background like go for it like tree number two right so go check that out we would love if you left a review so let's back to this podcast this don't blame me like i said we give advice and if you call in let me give you the number so you you don't just shout it into the abyss help me help me but if you do hear that in life you should check it out but safely you know you don't want to get snatched the phone number 310-694-0976

and international listeners, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com. So you just record on the voice memo app on your phone or however else you can do that and send us an email. So the requirements for all these things, keep it under three minutes.

You're going to get cut off, not by us, by Google voice number, but if it isn't an email, you will be cut off by us. And it's very easy to keep it under three minutes. You just have to write it down, write down everything you're going to say, practice, time yourself,

see how long it is, see if you're missing key information. like if it's about a relationship how long you've been dating make sure you have your ages in there we really don't give a shit about your zodiac sign unless you have so much extra time at the end that you just throw it on in there and even then i'm a true leo i care about me and i care about my sign wow but you know we're in the top two for uh vaccinated people right also but by default i care about your sign because i am an aquarius rising that's true so i do find that like a lot of my friends we all fall into the same thing so i'm like here's how i care about you

and mods because I think he's an anomaly for having so much Capricorn in his chart. It's a lot. Let us know your pronouns. Anything else that we said? Well, you can watch the video over on Patreon. I was trying to think. Okay. I think I was glitchy. Yeah. Well, we also have a video on Patreon and I highly encourage everybody to go watch the video version of this because while I thought I was going to be really cute in my green shirt, Melissa, like I opened the fucking door to her house and I was like, are you going somewhere? Award show. I was going to text you and say I'm feeling myself be warned yeah gird your loins but uh i prefer seeing your face in person i surprise and delight i like much prefer to surprise and delight when i tell you like you

all have to i mean first of all i'm gonna make her take pictures after this but like you have to go watch the video version again like you look like a like a pop diva thank you like a super bowl performance great thank you it gets so good i'm trying to get to the super bowl this year just to go to the performance oh because you know they have those tickets where you can be on the field during the performances at halftime i don't know i don't watch last year but i feel like they would still if they probably make sure everybody's vaccinated and spread out and it's outside oh the last time i watched was just when it was the lady gaga concert we're so happy to announce that the updates are back everybody if you have not been caught up and you're just tuning

into this episode i had a covet and so we did a hiatus on the updates because it just takes a lot the synapses weren't firing no yeah my brain was off and it has come back on unless i shower and then it shuts down again for like a full 10 hours but we're doing good and we're we're back with the updates they're gonna do two oh my gosh because we have so many to catch up wow you all are in for a fucking treat yeah you're welcome in advance should we get into it let's do it okay so my original call I was calling in about this guy that I met on a dating app like four months ago now but basically I was calling in because I was having issues with him I didn't know if it was communication or if it was just like a lack of effort and I kind of just explained like how we

met and the type of things that he would do that would make me you know feel like I'm putting in all the effort and he's not putting in any in at all so the mom after you know I talked with her because I was kind of close with his parents at this point he has two moms so we were talking and she was like oh yeah he has autism and I was like oh like I didn't know that this would have changed like not the way that I feel about him at all but this would have been helpful to know I guess whenever I was questioning like why is he so bad at communication or like why does he not get these social cues I guess and like there was a point in the relationship kind of like you said before where um you know I was still in like the rose-colored glasses phase and he was like

already past that like already like oh we've been together like a year I can show you exactly who I am I can just like not care so after I called in the first time and you guys like gave me advice shortly after that we ended up breaking up because I found out that he cheated on me with this is gonna sound so weird so basically he lives with they call it his brother but it's not his brother they're not related in any way so it's technically not incest I guess but they live together and so whenever I'm gonna stay the night I was basically calling him his brother because that's what it was but yeah they like did stuff I guess like I don't know if it was whenever I was there because I stayed there a lot but yeah I found that out through his previous ex who had like receipts

and stuff which was like so weird he like dm'd me on instagram and like told me everything and i was like i had been nice because we had already we had broken up because i knew that he wasn't going to be able to like change the way that he was being because obviously he didn't care and so after that i was just going to leave it like civil i told him like oh maybe we should just like not be together anymore and i'm not the type that could handle just being friends like i couldn't go back to that so i was like you know i'm probably won't ever talk to you again but just know like i have no hard feelings but then that happened i was like okay listen to the bitch like i put off on him after that and basically he had nothing to say to that i was just like do you have

nothing to say for what like all the shit you put me through like i put in so much and you gave like zero but yeah we haven't talked since september 24th so i don't know what he's doing now but i don't really care i expected to be like way more upset than i actually was i guess because i realized i wasn't missing out on anything i'm not really that upset that we're not together anymore honestly i don't know my friends were all just like you need to get away from him no i mean i think sometimes it's great though when you like you're putting in all of this effort and you do all of this kind of stuff that like you finally realize like oh i don't necessarily like you so much and that's why i'm putting in all this effort because you're putting in none so like i

have to make up for your part and then you stop doing it and you're like oh i don't like like you that much i was just going through the motions because like one of us had to if we were going to be dating and it's like oh shit like i don't actually care that much i guess it is relatively common though to be oh this person's like my brother and it's like but you act like i call leo my brother and like he's like dated girls before who've been like uh what and then he dated girls who are like no i totally get it like you guys are like brother and sister but like i just like ew you can't do that like if his mom see him as a son then that's just weird yeah and like even my ex was related to one of the moms but he wasn't related to the other one at all but they

were like married so then one mom had my ex and then the other mom had the brother oh so they are brothers they're stepbrothers well the moms are married so i guess they are stepbrothers yeah but They're not. But they were they were brought up as brothers. Does that not make them stepbrothers? Well, because it's two women and they both carry each child. So like technically, yes, but they're brothers. But what's the difference between stepbrothers?

Well, I mean, stepbrothers is more in this situation where the moms married when they had both of them. To my understanding, there's like a lot of members of this family. It was very confusing. but from what i understand the two moms have been married for like 15 years and the brother that he ended up doing stuff with came into the picture like four years into their marriage so like for about 11 years they've been raised as brothers yeah like so it's kind of really stepbrothers to me does not make it less bad no it doesn't make it but what i was saying is like if two women because both can't contribute dna so then they usually don't differentiate if they're step or

not oh oh yeah yeah yeah that makes sense that makes sense i thought you're talking about half brothers and i was like no no no okay yeah no but so like i think it's obviously grosser if you've like been raised together at any point but like regardless it's like worse than being like hey this is like your sister's boyfriend and then you're like a boy for me to fuck and it's like no this is like it's the same do you mean like it's one of those things like that's when you meet someone and like when i meet you i'm like you are not a sexual being you have no genitalia like that is like not anything that i think of i am flabbergasted holy i don't even know like when i would say it shifted but i remember whenever i first met him like we were in the

phase like we were at his house right and he lives like kind of in the woods telling me and he has like all these flowers he literally went in his yard like an hour and picked flowers and made a crown for me but then like weeks later it's like oh I can't even get a text from you for three days so I'm like I don't know when he decided oh I don't actually need to put in any effort because you're going to do it all regardless because he knew that I wasn't going to get mad like I should have so he just did whatever and like his parents honestly kind of tried to tell me but like I didn't want to listen to them so they were like we feel like he's taking advantage to you and like he definitely was but I almost actually moved in with him so I'm so glad I did

not do that because I ended up coming out to my family and also to Instagram and so I was trying to get out of my house and so I was like oh like we're both trying to move out like let's just get a place together but I'm so glad that did not work out because imagine if I like signed the lease and then that happened and I'm like yeah can't get out of that he was going to bars like that you couldn't go to was he going with this brother no well his brother was actually younger than me his brother was 19 and so he's 22 his brother was 19 i'm 20 so his brother used to go to the bars with him but then one one year they like changed the rule to where like only people 21 and over can go so his brother doesn't didn't go with him he's just going along and meeting like random people

but there are so many other bars that he could have went to like yeah like in examples like chili's like i guess it's not the kind of vibe that he wants i don't know but you can still go there i can get food and he can get like whatever he wants like yeah i was i was willing to compromise and i didn't have to do it every single time like he didn't even do that with me once like he wouldn't do it once i would go to chili's over a bar any fucking day yeah any fucking day even at chili's they have this drink that's off the menu called the blue motherfucker and it's delicious yeah like yes chili do you think their moms know or have any inkling well this is actually kind of weird so I don't know if they know that he cheated on me but I do know that the mom told me this

story which I was like why are you letting this kid live at your house but basically one of the kids not the one that I was in a relationship with but the brother had this obsession with like one of the moms and like would like rub her neck and stuff and would like go in their bedroom and like try to like give her massages and stuff and so eventually they had to like make him he they said that he couldn't come in their bedroom anymore because it was like that weird I was like why are you letting him stay at your house like he's 19 make him get his own place but I guess it's because they knew because neither of them could keep jobs so like if I was gonna move in with my ex I would have been the breadwinner because I have a stable job I just got promoted so I would

be making the amount of money that we would need to like pay brand but he works at like a restaurant and never shows up on time and like yeah so I don't think they knew but I feel like at first he thought it was because because he doesn't know that I knew he had autism so I don't know if he still doesn't know that yeah I don't even know if he knows which is like a weird thing to say but like he never mentioned it to me and never even acted like he had anything so I was like maybe he doesn't know but then again he's 22 like would his parents not tell him and also was he not at the doctor when they diagnosed him yeah I don't know I don't have autism I have ADHD which is not the same thing but I know like how it is kind of because I have friends that have it and I know

that they were not the best at like communicating all the time and I don't mean this the way it sounds like social cues like I don't understand some of them either because I know people in this podcast have said it before and I came off kind of like oh they don't get social cues like that's not what I mean but I don't know what it's like to have autism but I do know what it's like to have like neurodivergent i agree with you in the same sense that i'm like i mean i constantly wonder if i'm autistic because i see all these tiktok talks about it and i'm like i'm like do i have adhd and am i like super sense have like massive sensory issues and then i'm also like socially anxious or like where does this like whatever that is sad i hope he does know because i think like if i

didn't know i had adhd obviously like there's not that much i can do but like i can't imagine how hard that would be just like have no idea why you're doing the things that you do and like that whole comparison thing i'll be in love with you i think this whole family sounds a little fucked yeah oh they are let me tell you like i don't even remember all the stories because adhd short-term memory loss but um it's awful but i just whole family just gave me this like weird vibe like me and my ex every time we would hang out i would go to his house this is gonna sound so weird but like apparently his ex was like really good friends with the parents still so his ex would come over like whenever i was there and like that to me was already kind of

weird whenever i brought it up to them they were like why are you making this weirder than it is and i'm like it kind of is weird if i'm over there and he's already not giving me attention and then his ex comes over yeah is that a different ex than the one who told you that he like he was hooking up with his brother it's the same one so i was like well maybe i can trust them because they are the one who told me all that stuff oh my god wow how small is the town you live in? Very small. I feel like I can tell. I live in North Carolina. There's a really big town that you may have heard of, like Charlotte, North Carolina. And then there's another town inside of that. And then I live in one that's even smaller than that. So it's like 5,000 people.

I don't even know. As someone who grew up in a town with 5,000 people, I was like, this is giving me small town energy. It's so like everybody knows everybody. It's so weird. That's insane. This is so not where I thought this update was going to go. but i'm glad you're out of this relationship me fucking too and i'm glad that like you're not missing it you're over it and like you're solid and congrats on the promotion like get that bread um blast casey musgraves bet bread winner and then don't be the bread winner for anyone right no just for myself yeah literally treat yourself but wow fuck that's wild thank you so much for sharing yeah thank you for letting me be on this podcast i was very shocked whenever

i heard myself on the thing i was like what the heck is this yeah we love to hear it well cool thank you so much for giving us the update too i'm i think everybody's gonna be pretty shocked to hear all of it okay well thank you all so much have a good one bye he was all right so my original call I had called because I was having issues with myself kind of transitioning from an extrovert into an introvert. And I had called to see if Megan and Melissa could possibly give me some tough love. So I used to want to go out all the time and do different things. Now that we're in a pandemic, I don't want to go out anymore. And the issue that kind of stirs from that is my boyfriend does. So now that we're vaccinated and things in Canada have opened up quite a bit,

he wants to go out, he wants to have bonfires with friends, he wants to golf. And it's part me not wanting to do those things. And also anxiety from going out that we've been home for almost, I guess, two years now. And then how it kind of stemmed into our relationship was that I found myself being more resentful. So I used to say like, I stay home and I cook and I clean the house and I take care of the dogs. And you know, you come home and everything's clean and the dogs or walks and fed. And I just like basically was in a sense, what I thought was feeling sorry for myself if he gets to go out and do all these fun things. But in reality, I didn't want to. So I had called Megan and Melissa to see if I could get some advice. So after listening to the

call with Megan and Melissa, I basically realized that I'm kind of like Megan in the way where I'm an extrovert, but I'm definitely a homebody. So even though I like to go out and I obviously like to talk a lot I don't like to go out and see people like I don't I don't care to see people I'd rather like be on Instagram or watch YouTube and so um Melissa gave me a really good tip and she basically said was like stop doing housework when you're home because like his going out time is your like you time so it's like he wouldn't go out and be like doing like I don't know whatever he needs to do for the house so I shouldn't be sitting at home and like cooking and cleaning I should be like doing things for me so I actually had a sit-down conversation with him and he was so

funny he's like see he's like I was like I called into this podcast and I got this advice and he was like see he's like I told you when you're at home stop doing things like I will do things with you like you need to stop and I feel like I honestly just needed to hear it from somebody else and another thing was is I told him I was like you know what I think what would help is if I ever decided to go out I'm gonna have to ask you like can you stay home can you watch the dogs or like can you like stay home and do whatever that I would normally do and after like some compromise he was like yeah like just tell me when and where so I think I felt like our communication wasn't in the spot that it needed to be clearly because I was getting resentful so you know and I told him

I was like I'm always concerned about everything like I'm literally concerned I'm such like an organizer and a planner and he was like yeah but you can't take that and not do anything for yourself so things I've done is I left Megan and Melissa a very nice drunk update call um I was like sitting on the couch he was like out with the boys and well the boys as in his one friend um and they were golfing and I was like you know what I am gonna sit here I'm gonna force myself to sit here I watched like three Netflix movies I had a whole bottle of wine to myself and it felt amazing also he went out with two of his friends they went to like an outdoor hockey game in our community and I texted the girlfriends and I was like chances are we're all feeling the same way

because they're all extroverts and they were like you know what we are they're like I feel the exact same way and they're like why don't we like go have a bonfire at like somebody's house so we ended up doing that and honestly things have been so much better and I just feel like I needed a kick in the ass to be honest to be like do stuff for yourself in a way I'm like you're feeling sorry for yourself when really this it just comes down to me having to communicate better and accepting that like I don't want to go out all the time and that's okay but you know to communicate with my partner so it doesn't get to the point of resentment hell yes this makes me so happy I thought about this call after we like it happened because like I have definitely gotten

into like Mott's will go golfing or whatever and like I literally don't care but like if I'm like I'm gonna do laundry and I'm gonna get ahead of all this stuff even if I like I'm not doing it and I'm like not mad in the moment he'll come home and I'll be resentful because he'll fall asleep on the couch and I'm like well I've been like at home doing all of this stuff and now you finally can hang out and you fall asleep and it's like I tired myself out and did stuff I didn't want to do while he was doing something he wanted to do and it was like oh I wasn't actually doing something I wanted to do and like especially like you know as like women at homes and stuff it's like we can kind of get into the habit of like let me go like anticipate things and like not

really like knowing how to like relax or like chill in that kind of way uh especially solo so I love that and I also love like talking to the other girlfriends and being like okay they'll go do this and like we can have our own thing like that's so fun I say this to him all the time he he'll get home from wherever and I'll be like do you see how clean the floors are or I'd be like look at the fridge doesn't it sparkle and it's like I don't realize how passive aggressive I'm until he's like I get it and I'm like yeah but did you see like that is me and he would get so and then we end up arguing and he's like go do something and then he's like well I don't want to so it was just like the balance of just being like I need to find something that works and I know like

your other advice was like you know like you can go out together and then like like have your quality time and then like you go home and have your own quality time but clearly his quality time with itself is like seeing somebody or like golfing or having a bonfire when it's just like not me because I think that's another thing I had to realize is that like a everyone's handling this pandemic differently pre-pandemic to like current pandemic and everyone is like different people and some people like are like I'm itching just to like see somebody from a distance and golf or have a bonfire then there's people like me that's like I don't care to see anybody ever so I feel like that was like a wake-up call too and I I'm sure I'm not alone like I'm sure there's like lots of

people in relationships or partners or even like friends or family that are like I just like I love you but I don't want to see you and I feel like that's where I was at and I just had to like come to terms with like everyone is dealing with this differently and like obviously I'm coming home and me being like look at the fridge like it's not gonna it doesn't get any of us anywhere right I'm so glad that you came to that realization yeah and I feel like I just needed it to hear it from somebody else like I needed to hear it from you too in the sense of like try this and do this to like come I don't want to say come to my senses but like come to reality that everyone's different because I was hearing it from like myself like I would tell myself that but I

wouldn't believe myself and obviously I'm not going to believe my partner so I like and like I talked to my girlfriends and like they feel the same you don't feel the same but now that I like you were like try this or do this like I appreciate you both so much because you know I just feel like there's so much stress around this pandemic that like everyone I'm sure can take from this that like just to breathe and be like it's a it's gonna be a roller coaster for who knows how much longer so no I so relate to this this is literally me like you are legitimately me and like your boyfriend is not it's like same exact thing and like when I finally stopped like if I wanted to clean while he was like going doing something fun like I would do it but like I realized the same

thing that i would be like look what i did look what i did and i realized i'm like oh he doesn't care it's not like not in a bad way but i'm like i didn't do this because i wanted to like i did this to kind of like he would have been happier if like the place was like completely trashed and i was like oh i had so much fun and i did like x y and z and then finally i was like oh okay yeah this makes sense like it feels like i think also as women again it feels like we have to kind of get ahead of things and like be do all of that kind of stuff that like when someone else is having fun it's hard for us to feel like we can also like go have fun and we don't have to be like assume responsibility and all of that like it's but you are me like I understand like completely

like to a tee that is literally me I appreciate it and yeah it's like I know it's like the horoscope thing is so hit or miss but like I'm such a like clearly not right now but I'm clearly such an organized freak like I'm like oh I'm like you know what I could really use some organizers and like go under the bathroom counter or like I really could sort through my makeup for the sixth time. And then I'm like, I'm exhausted. And I'm like, well, no kidding.

You're exhausted. Like you just don't sit down. So when I called you guys with the update, I was sitting, had a bottle of wine. I was like a new woman. Like I just, I feel like I came to like this epiphany and I was like, this is the life. This is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

Hell yes. I think a lot of Virgos have had to learn how to relax in the pandemic. Yeah. One of my friends is like that. I was like, there's only so many times you can reorganize your like bathroom cabinets. Agreed. Exactly.

Very realistic. Well, thank you for this update. This like made my day. This is like such a happy one. And I think lots of people are going to relate and being able to see like how you were able to make those adjustments and like feel so good. It's so great. And flourish.

Well, I hope so. Because I know it wasn't a very exciting, scandalous call, but he's like a good mental health wake up. So I appreciate you ladies. of course we appreciate you thank you for calling in you'll get my first live sparkly diamond thank you so much and i also want to say before i go i'm so proud of you ladies for doing your new podcast i'm gonna plug you here because i am like so excited thank you we recorded the first episode this morning so oh my god hell yeah we really liked it so i think everybody will

we're gonna love it yay well thank you so much for all this and we hope you have like a wonderful fantastic lovely day you too bye ladies bye we are back from the updates loved those so good there were good ones to come back on i was just gonna say that like it felt like we had a scandalous more tea more drama one that was like i'm out of the situation but like here's some more and then one that was like everything worked out you're right and like things are great it's like such a good combo but we love so we're gonna take a quick break and when we come back we will get into the calls yeah yeah we are back from our break and we're gonna get into the calls

good morning good afternoon megan and melissa i'm a 24 year old libra and i'm basically in love or in love with my best boyfriend who's a 24 year old sergeant terry um yeah so story time about five years ago i met him and she was hired underneath me at a big family-owned company that I work for. And I was originally his supervisor and we became really close almost immediately and started hanging out loads and we really hit it off. In 2019, I was promoted to a manager position and he took over my original position. And we were hanging out and got even closer, so close that even the employees started making rumors and saying that we were more than friends and it got so bad that even the owners of the company brought it to my attention.

Every time someone would bring it up, I would just say, no, we're just friends, and there was nothing that was happening between us, and nothing would ever happen between us. Almost immediately, though, when I did meet him, I did notice there was a tension between us, and it was brought up to me by loads of people. And in summer 2019, he and his longtime girlfriend of seven years decided to take a break because they were getting loads of fights about it,

how much he was working, and a lot of fights about me. Well, during the break, he and I were hanging out still and going to dinner a lot and kind of doing couple of things like we shouldn't have. And one thing led to another, and we hooked up. And continued to hook up until December of 2020. The reason I called it off is because, one, I had really bad commitment issues, and he told me that he was falling for me and he was in love with me. And two, in August of 2019, he got back with his girlfriend.

So timeline is, they got in a fight in the summer. Him and I started hooking up in June. They got back together in August. And yeah. So I do feel really bad for the girlfriend. I'm not sure if he knows. I'm sure if he's suspicious. But I do feel like I'm in a weird place where I still really love him.

and I can see myself having a future with him. Is it horrible of me to tell him how I feel? Or should I just keep to myself? If I told him it wouldn't be a pick-me-truth-me situation, it would be more of a, here's this information, do with it what you want. I don't know. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Thanks, love you, bye. All right, so he told you he had feelings for you and he was falling in love with you and then you didn't say anything. And now that he's back. He was with his girlfriend when he did that anyway. I thought they were on a break. They were only on a break between June and August.

And then she ended it in December 2020 because she's afraid of commitment. And he was telling her. So like she is the victim, not you. The girlfriend is the victim in this situation. but the girlfriend was suspicious that something was going on yeah she knew yeah she knew so here's the thing i would hope it's like you ended it december 2020 and like i don't mean for this to be like shady but you're a libra you can take it you can't actually take it but like eventually

it will sink in and then it will happen first of all like you saying like i feel bad for this girl no you fucking don't like you don't feel bad for her like you're throwing that in there if you felt bad for her it's like i feel horrible i feel so guilty i feel like i need to tell her somebody to tell her not i need to tell him that i still have feelings for him like no you made a really fucked up choice and you continued to make that choice for months and months and months and months on end and this time that you should have spent between december 2020 and now should have been like, wow, I can't believe I fucking did this to somebody like that's horrible. I hate that I did that. I am no longer friends with him. I'm not associating with him. I'm not seeing him. I'm

completely cutting every form of communication off. I'm blocking him on everything. Whether or not you just like decide to tell the girl or not, I'm going to do everything in my power to work on myself. So like, I don't do that anything like that ever again, because that was a horrible thing to do but instead you like spent from December 2020 till now still hanging out with him still being friends with him still basically being like it's basically like we're dating still like and then now being like should I tell him that I have feelings for him no no you don't respect him or his relationship and he also doesn't respect you or his relationship because because if he wanted to be with you, then he would just be with you and not be with the other

person. He would have broken it off with her permanently. But now he's just playing this game of going between the two of you and doing this what if type situation and scenario. And then like, is this somebody that you want to be in a relationship with that doesn't value the relationship that he's in now? And also like you made the choice, but like he set up a situation in which like hey would you like to participate in fucking someone over he set that situation up for you you took the opportunity you didn't have to but you did also you're his supervisor too it's incredibly inappropriate like from the start and you told the people that you work with that nothing was going on with the two of you whatever this is

going to come across as me and i know people are like me well when caller's calling you're not I'm gonna be really cunty fair warning but like I can like hear the smug smile in your voice when you're like and they would like fight all the time like about me because like and I'm like shut the fuck up like this is one of those things that I'm like you're not being a good person and I think that you know that in an order to live with yourself for that you've kind of committed to this character like you've kind of like committed to doing this and like as opposed to having any of this time to like learn and assess any of this stuff like you've kind of just become the villain and like assumed that position and you don't feel bad for this girl don't say that shit if you don't

actually mean it i think you feel guilty but you don't feel bad i that's the thing i'm like i think you feel guilty and there's the part of you that is like you're doing you're making mistakes you're making mistakes but instead of just like listening and having that uncomfortable conversation with yourself and like looking yourself in the mirror being like how the fuck could you have done this like let's pick up the fucking pieces you would rather double down and i think this happens to a lot of people that like you made a massive grave mistake and in order to make yourself feel better about it you're like we should probably end up together i need to make it so this was worth it and make it like this as opposed to being like no i made a mistake nothing good came out of it

i learned a lesson and i hurt someone i hurt someone really badly along the way and that's on me and that's what you need to deal with instead of trying to like salvage this quote-unquote relationship with a guy who doesn't respect a relationship who doesn't care whose relationship you didn't respect and try and make that work quote-unquote work to make what you did and the atrocities you committed worth it yeah and that's what you're doing and like don't do that don't do that also legally you are in a bind if he ever gets fired or let go of the job for any reason because he can file a sexual harassment suit against you yep i would say look for a new job move on from there cut things off with him completely and either tell the girl she should

know or if you don't feel comfortable telling her have a friend tell her yeah this isn't good No, no, no, no, no, no. If this was our other podcast, you are wrong. You are so, so, so wrong. All right. Well, on that note. Hi, Megan and Melissa. So I am 22 years old and basically I'm in a weird situation.

I just got back from a tour with a musician friend of mine. He and I met about two years ago and have been keeping in contact and building a friendship, which has been really great and he's 31 so basically we've just been friends for the last two years and now after going on tour with him I'm starting to realize that I really like him and I definitely have the potential for falling for him I've never dated someone older than me everyone I've dated has been in my age group and just kind of in the college scene but I hate that anyway and I haven't found good college guys so I am just a little bit like confused about it because it doesn't freak me out.

Like it doesn't weird me out that he's older than me, but I just want to second opinion on it because I, again, like I said, I've never dated anyone older than me. So for some more information, he and I are both in the same industry. He's a musician and I work in music industry in the visual aspect.

So there isn't like a weird, I don't know, I don't really feel like there's a power dynamic and we both work in the same field. So we have a lot in common. If we didn't have a lot in common, I would not be into it. so let me know what you think and thank you so much y'all are amazing bye we are

very much against big age gaps yeah also like like i just whispered to melissa while the call was running i was like age cap and he's a musician i was like she's dating a 55 year old magician or like a comic like like you can't get more cliche like perfect storm calling into this podcast so I don't know if you're a new list people hate when we always have calls where we're just like being quote-unquote negative like back to back but you say that his age isn't a problem but the reason you're calling is because of his age so it is a problem you know it's a problem yeah and I'm just gonna say right off the bat red flag you've been friends for two years when he was 29 and you were 20 yeah like when you were on tour was this a work tour or you were just like

going as a roadie with him yeah were you like the plus one or were you employed like were you both working like stage crew stuff for it but he's a musician like i think it was his tour it was his tour was he in the band like i wonder if if he is say over who is hired or if like he's a part of a band who was hired by a musician for accompaniment or something like that but like we don't even know if he's even interested in her i mean he is i think that like befriending depending on the kind the kind of friendship that you have with someone who is 20 years old when you are 29 but i think a work friendship is different like if he just sees her like as somebody that works with him i think a work friendship is different than like a regular

friendship see i think so too but doesn't sound like she has any question if he's interested she might be delusional no it's men it's men no i just think that like a friendship between two people in the same industry at 20 and 29 no that should be a mentorship and that is something that is like oh your dad's friend who is helping you like understand like there is such a huge difference that like that shouldn't be clouded in like a we're buddy buddy friendship kind of way especially in an industry that can be incredibly like seedy like that like it is just not okay and the age gaps that are really really really really past the point where like it's obviously legal but the ones that have like the biggest age jump is your 20s 29 yeah yeah like a person in their

20s is not like friends friends that's why i'm like you're not friends do you guys hang out outside of this tour like I know that you've been friends for two years but like do you hang out outside of doing work things like because friendships can be defined in different ways I just don't have a lot of faith in 29 year old musician musicians who hang out with 20 year olds but is it like they're hanging out like as far as like oh co-workers yeah like co-workers versus is like outside of work stuff and she's using the term friend yes I mean that's a good point like yeah this is just like not appropriate at all and regardless like it's not it and like I hope and prefer that Melissa's correct and it's like not a I don't want to say one-sided friendship

but it feels more like friendship and crush on your end and for him it's a little bit more like acquaintance co-worker mentorship because i'm just thinking like a 20 year old might be a little naive to the situation and reading the situation wrong yeah and i truly truly truly truly hope that that is like what this is but if there's any sort of like flirtation going on from his end and like you are hanging out a lot and like specifically like if you hung out before you turned 21 and like he brought you alcohol or he was hanging out with you while you were drinking that is like one of the biggest red flags when you are someone who is over 21 hanging out with someone who is under 21 regardless if you buy them the alcohol you know that they're intoxicated or they're

drinking where you are as someone who is over 21 my instinct is i'm getting out of here this is a legal problem which would then responsibility would fall on me this is not safe and not okay and i will call one of your friends who is your age to come get you take you home also you saying that you wouldn't be interested in at all if you weren't in the same field that to me i'm like what like why that's why i think it's like she might be bringing more into the situation but this to me i'm like this sounds like potentially a mentorship that happened and like you've been on the road and you have like camp goggles on but like being in the same industry is not that doesn't bridge age gaps at all and it also is not like a relationship makes

like by any means and if that's like the thing that is like holding this together like this is just not not not not it yeah this really is there's two options either he's creepy or it's a misreading of the situation i don't like to give men the benefit of the doubt but in this case i would prefer yeah it's just like she never said like he seems like he's flirting with me he seems like he's into me she never you must be new here all right time for don't blame them we're gonna hop into don't blame them this is where a listener will call in with their own advice pertaining to a call from a previous episode regardless of what it is i'm just gonna be like really positive and great and fun and like encouraging because it's a good one everybody hates when we have two back

to back like this but like you know what it's a no bones day we had two very positive callbacks Yeah. There are updates. I'm anticipating. Going on vacation? We're here for it. With kids who turn the backseat into a courtroom drama over whose tablet is louder, whose charger is faster,

and why watching the same cartoon for the hundredth time is a human right. Yep, we totally have vehicles to handle that. Because whether it's a road trip or a business trip, where your flight's delayed, your phone's at 2%, and your dinner is whatever is open, Yeah, here for that, too. Enterprise, we're here for it. Okay.

Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm calling in for a Don't Blame Them for Season 8, Episode 21, in reference to the lovely caller that wanted to know how to explain her skin-picking dilemma to her potential partner. I do deal with skin picking, absent-minded scratching. Mine started at a very young age, probably around the age of eight, through dealing with environmental stress. I was born with eczema, and I've been dealing with that my entire life. And paired with the skin picking and scratching, that comes from stress and how anxious I may feel in a particular situation. I'm currently partnered with both my therapist and my local dermatologist to help combat this issue,

if not work on it and get a better handle on it. Of course, my therapist is here for the tools that I may need to help work myself through my stressful situations, be it socially or mentally. But what I realize a lot of people don't really anticipate on working with is a dermatologist. Some will prescribe a topical cream, which is what I currently am working with. My stress typically comes through the holidays since I work in retail, but throughout the rest of the year, my skin is typically fine unless I'm in a very weird social situation. I highly recommend looking into adding a dermatologist to your regimen as you work with your therapist

to see if that could help with the healing of scars. as for explaining it to your potential partner. Tell them, hey, here's a heads up. If I'm doing, you know, X, Y, and Z, this is because, and the best way to help me is through this particular action. So for me and my husband, if he notices that I am scratching absentmindedly during an episode, he will grab my hand and give me a light squeeze and a reassuring smile

to let me know that things are okay and that he's open to talk about it later if I need to. So I hope this helps. Incorporating a dermatologist into it can be really great. That has been helpful for me, but it's something that you gotta work. It doesn't clear any of that. That's part of the reason why I went on Accutane.

That's like, if I have less acne to pick, in turn, I will hopefully pick my face less. That is true. Do I still pick my legs? Yes. And so that is one of those things that like any sort of pre-existing issues that can cause flare ups

and like picking sessions that they're triggered by anything. They're triggered by feeling the bumps and feeling stuff. Like the less you have that in theory, the less that you will pick those things. But it's also important to note that like it can feel like sometimes

at least how I did when my dermatologist was very much as before I talked to my therapist about it. She was very much like, we'll clear your face up and it'll be great. And I was like, okay, So we cleared my skin up and I'm now using other stuff and it's great, but it can feel

kind of like a personal failure that this is a cure-all and it's not, but she's right. It can be very helpful, especially if you pick things like eczema, psoriasis, or other things that you can cause bacterial infection and having that, making sure you have a dermatologist who knows because I've contacted her with eczema and I have picked so badly a lot of stuff that i've had to like get on antibiotics for like potential staph infection and you need antibacterial kind of stuff so it's helpful to have your dermatologist to be a part of that with you even for like maintenance prevention and then also treating hey if i do this thing and making sure it's a dermatologist who like has no shame like it's not a shameful thing so big wreck thank

you thank you so that is it for our episode oh we hope you all enjoyed the aggression but hey we padded it with those good calls of those updates in the beginning they took our recommendations yeah it's our fault that you called into the episode um well if you want to leave us a review on the podcast app we would appreciate it please go it really helps us it makes us feel great and it also prevents rachel from completely tanking our reviews if you want to call in for an upcoming episode of glenfoss voice month 310-6940-976 international listeners send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com all the things i hit the beginning apply check out the video version on patreon if you want to support our

show support us on patreon we really appreciate it we do live streams we upload the video version the podcast ranges from a dollar to five dollars i mean depending on your currency but in the states it's a really great time we absolutely love it and all those people got to uh you know help us pick out like the cover art for our new podcast got to like be a part of that and see all that stuff which is really fun and you can check out our new podcast as well called but am i wrong And just search it wherever you listen to podcasts. Download it. Save it.

Subscribe. We'll put a link in the bio too. Show notes. And our merch is out. Go get some. You can follow me on my socials. Just my name, Megan Rinks. You can follow me at SheIsNotMelissa.

And we will see you all next time. Bye. Goodbye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me. executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence post production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso