Don't Blame Me! - S8E26: Not Serious Enough to Date

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:  Update: Feeling behind friends in school Disrespected at job Boyfriend wanting sex when you mentally don't want to Future Mother-In-Law Babies My Boyfriend Not Serious Enough to Date Don't Blame Them: Friend dating a foreign guy Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me    Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891  Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me starring me megan

ranks and my co-host and producer and the reason anything gets done melissa diamond thank you for the full name you're welcome i'm going to list out your full name no it's okay i have too many names i know also speaking of names so i love coming up with baby names not coming up with that i'm not like mckinley brinley fantasia baloo what me trying to combine all of these ones brinley mckinley array ali i don't like to make up my own names but i like love baby names like i love just like randomly googling baby names i love like watching videos doing baby names and one came to me as a premonition no no this was what i wanted my name to be oh you can change it I think I've outgrown the desire for this name but I was like maybe that's the chance

to do it for my child I have not yet brought it up to Mott's we're also not pregnant at this moment no I am not pregnant at this moment he will have nothing to do with it like he won't have anything to do with he will have a small semen sized amount to do with it and that is it I told him I was like you are never gonna be allowed people saying we're pregnant no no no I would be pregnant that's something so i'll wait till you say this name oh no okay i'm on the fence about this so just know that okay maybe i shouldn't say it on camera i'll say it and then you say if it's so bad that like we'll include it because you can't use it topanga oh i felt like topanga was like very out there when we were children and it was on boy meets world but then i moved to california

and knew that it was like they clearly took it from Topanga that's here in California but is this an indigent's name because then that would make it problematic oh that's a really good point it probably is it probably is I mean look it up I would be more shocked if it wasn't yeah so if that oh yeah hard pass that is something then no you will not be no I won't as a name oh great it is perfect yes fantastic don't even have to worry about it yeah you get to rule out names so fast same thing with like not engaged yet but wedding venues and all of that you can rule things out quickly thank you easy for me to filter perfection and then it's a little shocking when people don't i'm like oh yeah well this is an advice podcast where we give wonderful life-changing

advice if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com We ask that you keep it under three minutes or we demand. We actually demand you keep it under three minutes. You will be cut off. So we suggest writing down everything you're going to say, pulling out the timer app on your phone or like, you know, a manual timer

and seeing how long it is. And then you can make sure you have all of the relevant information, the ages of everybody involved. We keep it all anonymous, but like we need the nitty gritty details. Don't leave the really important things out. But like you can leave out that you think someone's like

really really really really really cute or like he's got such a big dick unless it's like relative to the story like he ripped his dick railed me and i'm bleeding out my ear it came out of my mouth then keep it to yourself do you think if you got fucked by a dick big enough you could get a hernia yes nurses actually i don't know how many nurses listen to us anyone in the medical field because you know nurses that stereotype it's a little iffy yeah rachel are you a nurse let us know i'll text my friend sarah right now i would love to know but if you are a listener and you are a nurse and you want to tell us don't send any like personal stories of patients because like that's not a hipaa violation but a moral like violation but just a yes you can i've seen it but not like

i had a patient one time who did blah blah blah yeah i'm not into that i don't like the laughing about i can laugh at like an anti-vaxxer that's pretty much it yeah well oh let us know your pronouns you'd be 18 or over have your parents permission and you also have to sign up for the fact that you're either going to be potentially roasted or you have to let us know if you are sensitive which there's nothing wrong with being sensitive you have to let us know at the start if you are sensitive and fragile and if you don't let us know and then we come for your throat you can't be surprised and sad we also launched another show called what am i wrong please check it out we're having so much fun with that the description that people have given is if you

don't take our advice that's when you end up on but am I wrong right it's a great time and the episode we just recorded I think is potentially going to piss off a lot of people well things happen shit happens so what's new with you I can't really think of anything right now what about you I'll come I'll circle back Mott's and I are still looking for a house I just need everyone to know that like, we're going to be doing this for a very long time. I'm assuming. And yeah, got my nephew's birthday is actually tomorrow, but his birthday, it's not a birthday party. We're just going over there and I'm bringing a cake. So I'm doing that this weekend. And so I have to bake a cake and I'm doing a starfish themed cake. I think it's going to be really cute. I like made

a whole, like, I've never done this before, but like now that I have an iPad, like I am Britney Spears, my iPad, like I got a new iPad and I cannot be stopped. So I made like a cake template to like decorate different ideas to decorate it and i'm obsessed with it i also started playing sims mobile on my ipad i started like annotating scripts in my ipad like i am an ipad girly girl like catch me at a sports game taking a picture of that well first of all i would have to attend a sports game you go to soccer games not in this economy now but like you do go to soccer games oh without a doubt but like you will not catch me in a group of people pausing near other people long enough to take a picture of other people germs germs germs germs oh and we got our boosters

nice that's the other update i have a video talking about a vlog and not getting our boosters and i talk about which one i got our experience surprise it was great shocker loved it big fan as someone who's had covid big fan of vaccines big fan of getting boosted big fan of doing anything to protect myself from getting covid excited i tried to schedule mine but it wouldn't let me because i'm not at my six month yeah i was scheduling it for when i would be but i can't they won't let me until i'm actually there so pretty soon yeah exciting i'm trying to get it before i go home good call to arkansas you're doing that yeah i know but that's not new news i've run down a while ago um i'm trying to think i feel like i've just run into just like a slow

of bad luck the last two weeks you and i have both been like not necessarily going through it but just like chicken head cut off yeah it's just like little things that just like a lot of people keep rescheduling on me i got my desk and table thing that i've been waiting on for months and or like a couple months and they came ruined i mean you know i ordered my kitchen table and chairs and the kitchen table was ruined three times oh the massage chair that i got oh yeah one sucks and two like the arm screws they don't line up so like i'm waiting to get the refund on that so i can get a different chair it's just like just like a slew of bad luck it's like your own personal mercury and retrograde yeah maybe the stars have said this to us oh gosh

someone said that also if you sing along to songs you are manifesting what they're singing if so i would be rich as fuck also the ass i would have yes come on check out the but am i wrong to hear all of the hot takes on manifesting culture oh yeah i mean other than that i'm doubling up on a lot of episodes for other podcasts because and which we'll be doing soon too because the holidays are coming up i just kind of feel dead to the world right now but i'm excited for the future i'm excited for thanksgiving i'm doing like friendsgiving on the sunday and then i'm not do anything the rest of the week i only have one thing scheduled for that monday and then we're recording on tuesday but i don't count us together as work but then i'm like looking

everybody's like you don't want to go home with your family for thanksgiving or you don't want to like hang out with other people i'm like no because these are like i will have three solid days yeah no one bothering me and i am looking forward to that like i'm looking forward to it so much because i have been just like so tired and so just like doing so many things recently so it will be like a mini vacation for me well also like the entertainment industry and like working here it's like we have our own adult finals week because like you then go essentially on break and hiatus because everything does but like work is still being put out during those times it is like finals like you do all of this shit before to like prepare for all of that so like i also think that

like i don't know anyone who like works in our industry like as an adult who like thanksgiving is just like a blip to get to our actual break because you're like well i can't get too far out of my game like can't turn off yet right can't really unplug just like you know halfway so i'm just i'm just like counting down the days to that i'm excited for you thank you you get to hang out with all the little kiddos so cute that's the best well that's what's new with us everybody um and we're gonna hop into our update so they will give us the whole lowdown all right so my original call i believed it was titled like i feel behind my friends and i just basically felt financially like i was behind everyone so for example i'm in college so my friends got like

full tuition scholarships plus extra so they get paid to go to school i had a partial scholarship I had a little bit of money saved up. They have like tens of thousands. So I just felt really behind them. And I had like a really bad paying job. And so I just wanted advice on if I should stay on with a bad paying job, but it was good for my career. Or if I should take a job with my friend,

which paid more, but wasn't like anything I wanted to do or in my field. But I have some exciting updates. So right after the call, I got a notification that I had won a full tuition scholarship. Wow. Congratulations. yeah and i even got a little bit left over to pay off my outstanding student loans so that's incredible fuck yes yeah that's all good now and then a little bit after that i got a call back for an internship in my field and it paid double what my old job was so i'm currently doing that oh my god can i have whatever yeah good thoughts can you send them my way please like you don't

have to pay for college now you're out of debt as far as college goes and you got like double the money for your job and you don't have to sacrifice like to be in like a job that like you didn't want to do oh my god good juju like you're surrounded by good juju wow so that was just kind of like good luck after good luck and i even talked to my friend and i just thought this was interesting she was talking about she wants to like take summer classes she's like because I feel like I'm gonna fall behind you guys I was like what do you mean she goes well you're graduating in three years everyone else is in four so I don't want to fall behind you in terms of how long it'll take to graduate I was like you feel behind me I literally called a podcast it was like I feel

behind them because they have like a good job and make money and so I just thought that was interesting like you might be jealous of what someone else has but they're looking at you wanting what you have but also it all kind of resolved itself so oh my gosh I'm so happy for you but that's a great point like that's always what happens is always greener on the other side yeah you know the same's there for a reason literally like everybody like we look at someone anytime like I'm like looking at someone kind of like envious I'm like Megan they probably have done the same thing to you and if not them someone else in my life is like oh I wish I had that kind of thing so wow oh my god I'm so happy for you thank you and I need some of this

good luck give me this good luck so i can buy a house i mean i've just had bad luck after bad luck for the last two weeks yeah i just need something positive sent my way sending all the good luck i wish good luck on everyone listening to this hopefully get that job or oh my gosh well thank you so much for giving me update i'm so happy that this is where you're at and all that kind of stuff and i'm sure everybody will be very excited to hear because this is a very relatable call we got so many people calling being like oh my gosh like i've been through this exact thing and all of that. So I think I think people really resonate with it. And we're sprinkling the good luck all around all of us. Yeah. Can I ask you, how do your friends have tens of thousands of

dollars? Like, do they come from money? Oh, no. So I didn't the don't blame them kind of ask this too. So they actually don't come from money. So they have need based grants on top of their merit based scholarship. And both of them have been working since we were like 16. And they don't have to pay bills with their parents so that's nice like their parents cover that but they saved like 90 of what they made and they've been working 40 hours in high school got it okay that makes sense then to have a merit-based scholarship on top that's like such a small per it's i'm assuming you probably know like the one percent of people who have both of those things yeah because most people in college are in mounds of debt yeah yeah so like it can be also

hard when you're in your social circle and you're like oh god it feels like everyone's like this and like and it's like oh no actually it just might be the only people who are like this the people i'm around like these might be the exclusively the only ones they really are and they're like danielle why are you even paying i'm like that i was doing good well uh we went to an in-state college uh they don't live in dorms so like it's like really affordable it's still like i mean it's it's college but at the same time like it's still like the the the requirement for like need-based scholarships like is not accurately representative at all because it was like one of those things that it was like sure my family could use every amount of dollar they've ever made

to cover my college but then they would be bankrupt and homeless and it was like oh but i didn't qualify for need-based income like well you don't need it and i was like well like i'm having to pay for it so like it is you it is a very unique situation for and they do that on purpose a small amount of people so well amazing happy for you continue crushing it you are i mean at some point you're going to be at the grammys with harry styles like this is just like luck after luck after luck after luck so happy for you thank you and thanks for giving us the update no problem have a wonderful rest of your day bye you too bye bye honestly like could not have written it better like this is like all of the luck in the world i wish i had again i asked her

i was like i wish i had your luck even i mean i'm paying back loans too from school so and i also think that like like we said on that so many people called in and was like this is such a universal experience and like you know having even like friends compare to you that you're like wait i was comparing myself to you like what do you mean right so happy to see that that turned around and also hoping that like you know we all get that agree should we get into the calls let's do it hi megan and melissa i'm calling because i just started a new job in the end of may basically june where i have a lot more influence and not necessarily power but just more higher up in my company such institution and I am the youngest in my group I am almost 24 the second oldest

I think is about 27 28 something along those lines and then the age range goes up to about 52 being the oldest how do I show that I'm not an idiot there is some like pre-existing thoughts that because i'm younger that i may not be able to do the same acts or what have you as my counterpart because there's three of us in the exact same position same pay what have you and there's one specific one and our group is all women except one um male and i don't like this kind of piece of shit talk shit about my sister-in-law for wanting to um homeschool their kids it's a whole stupid mess but he um whatever I introduced him because he just joined the company where I've been at the company in different positions for three years so everyone knows me

and I'll say hey this is blah blah blah my counterpart at this location and he would or be like not really and I'd look at him say yes you are so basically how do I show that my age doesn't matter but also at the same time how do i respectfully tell an older gentleman uh shut the fuck up without losing my job thank you i don't think this is an age thing i think this is a man thing yeah and i think he's probably ageist and sexist but i think the overarching thing for him right now is sexism and you're an easier target because you're younger to him in his eyes i will also say a huge part of ageism is sexism when we talk about like women getting older versus men getting older like ageism is incredibly sexist how we perceive young women is very different than how

we perceive like young men i think like what you've said so far about like how you deal with the interactions like no you are my counterpart like that is i think you're doing a great job i guess like maybe i would say that like i like this would be like a power move that i would do But again, like, please stop me if I'm incorrect in this. Cause like, I've never worked in like a, this kind, I've never been in this kind of workplace before, but I would be like, Hey, I want to schedule like a meeting and a time to talk to you. And it's like, so when I introduce you to people and I introduce you as my counterpart,

like, let's talk about that. Because it seems like every time I do that, you, you seem to have some sort of aversion to that title and you're fighting that. So like, can I hear what you've said? Like, even though we have the same title, I wouldn't even say that I would kind of be like i'm gonna give you the opportunity right now that like i it is kind of a leading question but like i'm not going to tell you i'm not going to fight it back in that way like i'm kind of going to let you dig your own grave and like see what if i give you the reins how far are you going to

go into this and then i'm going to report it to hr or my boss but i'm gonna like find out it's like so like and then sure maybe it's like maybe it's a really insightful conversation that he's like he recognizes that what he's doing is ageist and sexist, or maybe he like completely like lies about it. But I think if you can have that conversation with him, I think it's kind of a power move to be like, I noticed, like I see. And if he does it again, like he's knows that he's not, he's not slick with this. Like it's not, he's not pulling one over you. You're aware of it. And then if he keeps doing it, then it's like, Hey, let's get another main link. Let's talk about that. Like, do you want to unpack that now? Or you can even say it in the moment that after

you've had this like sit down with him but i'm curious if you kind of if you give a man a microphone i'm kind of curious what he would the hole he would dig himself in but i don't think he realized it was a hole he's gonna talk over her and see then i would report it to your boss because he's six months there you're three years you're three years into the job when i introduce him to people i would be like he just started at the company this is blah blah blah they just started at the company six months ago he's a brand new he's a baby here we're so excited to have him welcome aboard champ oh god yeah everything megan said see how he reacts have the conversation with him i don't necessarily know how to do it in like it like because you're in a work environment

and so like my snarky response back to that would be like oh someone's feeling a little emasculated by like like you can't say that so like i think that like maybe just putting him on the spot and be like oh did you get a title change oh my god you got a promotion that is so exciting what is it and like he didn't like you know that and so then it suddenly has to be like oh no he he just didn't want the person you're introducing him to to think that you have this to have the same job but you you do so yeah maybe it'd be like oh my gosh i had no i you have to tell me everything or just like oh what do you mean not really yeah make him explain it there's nothing like when someone says something like sexist or something like i don't get it could you explain

that yeah and it's like i was making it i don't get the joke what was the what is what is it have him dig his own grave and i also think like depending on your relationship with your boss like it doesn't sound like this person is like saying anything like really really like this seems like a very casual ages and sexism thing it doesn't seem so overt in a way that i would like, let your boss know ahead of time and then, like, report back to them. Like, I think that depending on the outcome, like, you can definitely tell your boss in HR,

but I don't think that you need to involve anyone else if you don't feel like you need to. You seem with confident and incredibly, like, solid and, like, sure of yourself. But fuck this, dude. I want to, like, a freaky Friday, like, body switch with you and, like, I want to play this out.

Do you know what I mean? Like, I just, like, want to be there when it's like, oh, oh, you want to, you want a promotion and just like having to no but you we don't have the same title anymore well no we do so what do you mean like i would just kill for that kind of confrontation right now crushing with your brain all right next one next one hi megan and melissa i am 22 years old my boyfriend is 22 years old as well i use she her pronouns and my boyfriend uses he him pronouns. So I just want to get right into it. I'm kind of going through a lot right now. I'm

struggling a lot mentally. I work full time. I am a full time graduate student and life is just a lot right now. It's hitting me like a fucking ton of bricks. With that being said, I'm going through what I think is a depressive episode. It's just affecting my daily life. And it's affecting basically everything and the reason why I called is because of this depressive episode it is also affecting my sex life with my boyfriend I don't know if it's specifically my depressive episode or just everything that I fucking have going on in my life like stopping my libido from going but it's just becoming a lot um I'm also on birth control and you know fucking taking vitamins like maca and all of that and nothing seems to be helping and it's affecting my relationship a lot

just because my boyfriend is a very sexual person and I'm not able to meet that um and sometimes it leads to misunderstandings because you know he's very understanding for everything else and he knows that I'm just going through a lot and he's just always there for me but when it comes to like the sexual stuff sometimes it can lead to bigger issues and disagreements just because he feels that he's being understanding to everything else and I'm not being understanding to his needs and I don't know what to do about that and it's kind of annoying sometimes because I feel like I'm going through a lot and you know like correct me if I'm wrong but does it really matter if you get your that like I don't know I feel like depression over fucking busting a nut is not the same thing

but I also understand because we have been in a relationship for over five years and he's just been very understanding to all of my situations because I've been through a lot with him during the span of our relationship so I just want to know if I'm not being understanding and you know maybe just suck it up a little bit and get him to where he needs to be sexually or anything else or if he's the one being like not understanding towards my situation like i said i've been through a lot with him and he has been very understanding but this is in the moment right now it's kind of irritating me so please let me know um give me tough love if you need to or anything like that thanks he's making this sound like you like you're just withholding sex

from him for no reason and also that like i've dealt with so much you owe me sex he's either making you feel that way or no he's no yeah you might not think that he is saying that outwardly but that's how you have been made to feel and you said it two times yeah the way that you are describing like he is he has dealt with a lot i've been like you're saying i've been through a lot and he's dealt with a lot those are not like comparable things like you going through things regardless of what those things were like he doesn't get like there is not this like scoreboard of like well i was went through this this this and this like especially with things like this regarding mental health like you don't get a pat on the back for dealing with me and my depressive

episode you're either my boyfriend and my partner or you're not like that's not something that like should ever be held above your head in this kind of way at all and like this does just kind of feel like, I'm so understanding for everything. And like, I just need you to be understanding about this. No, that's not how it works. There is a huge, huge, huge red flag. And I'm specifically in this case, this I'm sure this happens everywhere. But like in my experiences, like a heterosexual person, men who want to have sex with women who don't want to have sex with them. I have a low sex drive right now. I don't want to have sex. Why are you trying to convince me to have sex with you? I don't want to. You shouldn't want to have sex with me. You shouldn't

want to have sex with somebody that does not want to have sex that's not capable of having sex and quite frankly you don't want to have sex you can't have sex you're not in the mood to have sex you're putting in a lot of effort to try to get in the mood to have sex and what is he doing is he doing anything that makes you want to have sex with him no he's pressuring you you have so much bigger shit to deal with when you're depressed and to have your boyfriend be like i get that you're depressed but like suck my dick like please like again that's like conflating your depression is at the same level and of importance and of serious like severity as like my nuts right now like and those are just like not the same thing at all if mox is like do you want to have

sex and i'm like oh and he's like oh you don't want to have sex like no i just like didn't think about it he's like well no if you're on the mood i don't have sex then and i'm like well no i just didn't cross my mind so i'll be like yeah but like there should never be any coercion there should be never anything less like enthusiastic consent but as a partner especially for someone you've been dating for five years you should never feel comfortable having to talk your partner into having sex or guilt your partner into having sex with you and making them feel like they owe you sex and you've been and you said should i do something to get him where he needs to be where do you need to be in a different relationship not here not fucking here and i don't i think that the

way that you're describing him as like you're saying that he's like really been he's dealt with a lot you're saying this is basically like a chore list right as if like you are a skin tag as if you you are something that is like not like a wonderful great joyous light wonderful perfect thing in his life that like he is lucky and like sure you can go through hard things as a couple and like you can support your partner but like as much as you're saying that he is it doesn't sound like it is because it sounds like it comes at a price and it sounds like he is keeping track of that. And he's using that as a means to get what he needs, which is not what you do with a partnership. Again, like your partner goes through the loss in the family. Like you support your

partner through that loss. That's not about you. And sure. It can be hard. Go to therapy. Like talk about like, you have a partner who gets sick. Like it's really hard on people. Like when someone goes through something, like it is hard on the circle that they're leaning on and all of that. And so what do you do? You go to your friends, you go talk with your friends, you go talk with the therapist and all of that. You don't use the person who has gone through the hurt. You don't use those things back at them to get something that you want because then that's not you you didn't do that because you love them it's it feels it feels very conditional there is a way to be respectful especially when you've been with someone for this amount of time

of their needs and what you both need in these points and like if he's seeing the value of like getting through this depressive episode is the same thing as like him nutting like that's a major issue because that doesn't seem like he's either that doesn't seem like he's listening do what i mean yeah of course i know yeah it's he's not listening he doesn't he doesn't want to be with you to be with you he wants to be with you to get to get off you know yeah when you're with someone sexually it should be mutually giving and giving and he just wants to get yeah and like it doesn't matter similar to like consent like the fact that you have had sex in your relationship before and you've been very sexual and this has changed you don't owe that ever at any point like

every time that you're being intimate with someone like that is like a whole new level i mean that's a whole new you have to consent every time to absolutely everything and like relationships go through phases and people go through phases and all of that and like the biggest thing that should be the priority for him is like whatever he can do to support you through the depressive episode and help you through the things that you are going through and instead of doing that he's saying that he's doing that while simultaneously holding it over your head as if it is a burden to support you right and it's a burden that should be rewarded with sex yeah ask yourself if you want to be with somebody that's not going to support you

yeah and again as a depressed person who also is a very sexual person like your sex life ebbs and flows like this like if you are depression or not sex your sex life 100 on top of it just if you're truly supporting your partner through their mental health the last fucking thing that's why it sounds like he doesn't listen because i'm like imagine like you're like a like a close family member just died would you be like hey i want to have sex right now no but like you're not choosing to understand what you're going through in terms of grief or a feeling that you can't necessarily comprehend or care to understand and so you're comparing it as like a i deal with so much the thing is like he doesn't want to be with you physically because if he did then he would want

you to be enthusiastic about it you're not going to be so like if he just wants to get off and bust nut go fucking masturbate like you don't even have to need to tell him that that's what i'm saying that's the thing is like if he just wants to get off why isn't he masturbating and he's trying to make it your problem and it's not your problem no and again like why why are you trying so hard to come on to me right now and have sex with me when i've said repeatedly i don't want to have sex with you that scares me it is not deterring you at all and it's just making you be come on please please please no the biggest turnoff should be someone who does not want to have sex with you right and also it's not about him yeah he's completely making this whole whole whole thing

about him this is like a moral this is like a big moral and character flaw that like you shouldn't have to tell your boyfriend who is 22 years old of five years hey have you thought about masturbating like he like keep this fucking shit to yourself dude like if you're upset that you're not having sex like that should be overruled by like but you know like this wow i can't believe i even thought that like she's going through so much right now like i should just support her let me go jack off in the bathroom but him putting that on you in general he just wants you to know this is like it's emotionally manipulative as well like well i want you to know that i'm really upset and i know you're dealing with a lot but i'm really upset that you're not sucking my dick i deal with so

i know you're going through a lot but i deal with you going through a lot and like i feel like i you know i only do that so i can get this in return fuck him fuck him no break up with him dump his ass the audacity to fight with someone who's in a depressive episode about not having sex with you i would be like are you fucking kidding me that's like a that's so low and i think you know this i think you do you do all right time for a break okay we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back we are back from our break and we're gonna get into the rest of the calls Hi, Megan and Melissa. I am 23. I go by she, her pronouns. My fiance is also 23. He goes by he,

him. And the third party, his lovely mother goes by she, her. So I just wanted to hop on here and ask, I know this might be a little odd ball as it does involve a child, but I was curious if you have any advice on toxic mother-in-laws so a little backstory my fiance is a mama's boy through and through I'm obsessed with his mom and she enables him very much so having our son my fiance has done a great job but whenever his mother is around he acts like he doesn't know how to do anything and his mom enables it and says well I'll help you sweetie I'll do this for you And it makes me want to watch out to the throat. You know what I mean?

Anyway, second off, he's bad with money. I manage our money. And I asked her, please don't give him any money because then he buys things he doesn't need. And it like enables the bad behavior around money. And what does she do? She gives him a credit card. Well, what does he do?

He maxed out the credit card. We just had a baby. I'm on maternity leave. and it was a whole situation because we couldn't pay off the credit card and it became a whole thing. Lastly, she keeps bringing around sick people to my son after I've told her numerous times. She kisses him when I've asked not to, don't touch his hands, he's putting them in his mouth, all this stuff. And he got sick for the first time after she had brought someone around who was sick. So I'm just curious what I should do. I'm not really sure how to go about this.

I haven't spoken to her in four weeks after I confronted her about bringing sick people around my son so I just don't know where to go from here thanks so much I love this podcast bye congratulations on your baby thank him for his semen donation oh my god well let's start with him acting like he doesn't know how to do anything I would just call him out and be like why are you pretending like you don't know how to do this like you just changed the baby's diaper an hour ago like i would just constantly call him out on things like why why are you pretending like you don't know how to do things in front of your mom like while she's standing like the mom's standing there yeah i hate this shit so so much and i don't want to be like negative at all but when we talk

about like especially like mother-in-law like family or like talk like friends involved like any other third parties outside of your relationship when they are making an issue of your relationship the question we always ask is like what does your partner do to like defend you how does your partner support you are they on this side and he's not it is him and his mom versus you in these moments and i think that when she's not there it's your family unit it's like he's yeah He seems like he can do everything when she's not there and it's all of that. But ask yourself if he had to choose between which family, what family is he going to choose? Don't ask him.

No, no. I'm saying ask yourself in this. I'll ask yourself. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't ask him that. But ask yourself, is he going to choose his son and me or would he choose his mom? Because I think that from there, that influences the approach to this. because I think regardless,

you need to have like a conversation with him. But at the end of the day, if he is like what my mom says goes, this is what it is. And like, this is how it's going to be. You have to make the call. Do I want to have to be the sole protector of my son in these situations?

And do I want to have to deal with this? Because like, no, you can put the work in and have a conversation with her and all of that, but you are outnumbered. and it is highly unlikely that she is going to change her ways when you are the one asking and not her own son and there's not really much on the line for her in that way so i just think that like the bad with money red flag and like the credit card maxing out like that's like really bad and like especially he's doing that now when you're not married yet and then when you get

married, that affects your, I mean, it already affects you, but then it also, once you get married, it becomes your debt as well. The big thing I wouldn't get married yet. I would be like, until you can have, I can trust you financially. I can't do this because it will affect you long, long after you, if you eventually get divorced, like that is something that will affect you and subsequently affect your son as well. And that's not something that you cross your fingers and hopes gets better or like right now what you've been doing is you've been managing the money so he can't do this kind of stuff it's not a solution it's like a band-aid to try and prevent this kind of thing but like there is no actual real like change he's unless he takes some

financial courses and learned how to be financially responsible like i would i would say that before we get married then you need to learn about fine like being bad with money is not a thing i read this in a book that I got being bad with money is not a thing you can be uneducated about money but being bad with money is not a thing because you there are solutions to fixing that I am not good with money in the sense that like I'm not good with numbers I'm not good with that so I I pay people to be better with my money with like investing and doing that kind of stuff like I pay people to do that but I also am not like an overspender I'm definitely like an underspender I can budget. I'm just not really great with numbers. So I pay people to do the things that

I'm not good at, but it's like, everybody doesn't have that privilege, but there are financial literacy things that you can look into and learn about it. Hell, you can listen to podcasts. Gabby has a podcast called bad with money. Well, I also just think if you know that you're bad with money, it's like, for me, I don't give myself the opportunity, like the things that I'm not good at, I don't do. And I delegate, but that translates to me being like, I understand where my limits are regardless of like how, what you do with those things for him. It's not that it's just, I like being reckless with my money and I don't care. And unless you like bubble wrap me and tie my hands behind my back, I'm going to do whatever I'm going to do. Like you're having to

like cage him he's acting if he has no agency in the decisions that he's making and that's incredibly dangerous because like you can't you're then you're gonna have like two fucking children right i mean you already do literally when his mom comes over he pretends like he doesn't know how to be a fucking dad like he's a fucking child taking care of his little brother that's like the least attractive thing in the entire world like if anything he should be like showing off his mom like look what I can do there is like especially with like mom boy mom like there is like a very very very intense enabling that happens that is detrimental to like their adult son's life growing up and I think it honestly it happens to a large large large majority of men and it is up to

them to work on that and to have to to make those changes and if he doesn't want to make those changes he's not going to and like at this point like if you've had these conversations with him over and over and over again and he's not you then have to make the decision of can my son and i live with this and then live in this way because it's you're basically having to go to battle against all of them all the time and you have to think about it in the future of like oh like i don't know like not saying that the mother-in-law is like anti-vax but like thinking like oh vaccinating my kid like doing making these decisions in regarding my kid like do i feel comfortable having uh her come pick up the kid and no she's gonna have sick people around the bay like who

brings a sick person around a baby especially during a pandemic it's fucked and also do you like six months ago or some shit right like when i get around a baby the first thing i do is wash my hands that's the first thing i do in a pandemic i'm gonna actually i'm not even seeing any babies like baby babies right now during the pandemic and then because there's still a chance like i could be walking around and don't even know i have something also like no mask if the baby got sick they probably didn't have on a mask sticking the baby's hands in her mouth like all of this is just awful behavior this is no boundaries she is no she's not respecting boundaries with you because she doesn't have boundaries with your son and your son i mean with your you're right true but

she has no boundaries with her son and her son he's okay with that and if you are not able to create those boundaries and he's not on that side with you and upholding those boundaries they're not they don't exist and like that really sucks to say like you just have to ask yourself like it can be quick to being like how do i solve this problem but when you're the only one who sees it as a problem the solution is getting out of the problem the only way to stop her from coming around with sick people is for him to have a conversation if you haven't expressed all these thoughts and feelings with him then it's not going to do any good i also think if you haven't at this point i think it's because you know i mean they're also like 22 and like yeah that's true but i mean

she's confronted the mom and told the mom to nod so they haven't talked in four weeks if you're just having the conversation with the mom and not your fiance then it makes it look like you're just coming off at the as the bad guy and you're just you're the only one that feels and he's allowing yeah that's that's an intention on its intention on his part there is hope for like chronic mother like mama's boys but like yes sometimes it is terminal and like that is when you have to create those boundaries and there is no solution to it the solution to it is someone who wants to change it is the mama's boy who wants to change and wants to create those boundaries and uphold those boundaries and they really work on it and that involves like therapy open communication with you

all of those kinds of things and it just doesn't seem like he's willing or able to do that and you can't make him do that right nothing irks you more than like people just touching babies that like it no kissing their faces putting hands in the mouth my doctor has like a i think her baby's like seven or eight months old or whatever it's pandemic baby and she was like oh the amount of time that would go on walks you'd be like oh my god can i hug the baby and she was like no you're a stranger on the sidewalk and it's covid i'm trying to like not even be near you like you cannot touch my baby i hate people me too all right hi megan melissa i am a 26 year old bisexual this male and i was being a 20 year old six this male two bisexual i know you said not to but i

I was seeing a co-worker. He was a manager for Greyguard, and I was a manager for Mourning. We've been talking for about eight months continuously, and even our co-workers could actually tell that there was something going on between us. I finally got the courage to ask him on a date last month, and he said, yeah. We went on two dates. The second one, we had a little fire next to a river here within my town. We're talking and getting to know a lot about each other a lot more. He knew how I was before we started dating or going on a date, should I say. I'm not the most serious person. He told me that I'm not a type. So the next day I seen him at work, I asked him as he was leaving, why would he go on a date with me if I wasn't a

type? He said, it's because I'm not serious. I'm not a serious person. It's not the first time I've been told this. So my question for you is, do I keep being myself and actually just a carefree person? Or do I immediately change myself to be a more serious person that I know every person I'm going to date is going to tell me the same thing? A little more information is this was his first ever thing with a person. So it was a new experience for him. He was changing a little date i could tell on our first date he told me not to really kiss him in front of his house on the second date as well well on the times i would pick him up and we'd hang out a little bit more and drop him off he would not mind me kissing in front of his house he would just

kiss me right there in front of his house so he was changing a little bit too but love you guys yeah i have questions like what is serious do what i mean yeah i mean it could be like the caller just like jokes about everything the antonym that you used was carefree and so that's a really specific kind of serious that i would say is like the opposite of being carefree and this to me i also i kind of just wonder if you're like specifically going repeatedly going for the same kind of person over and over again and then not like therapize you but i would be like a therapist would be like, Oh, do you have like, was there a relationship in a past relationship in your life? Like friendship, like familial or like romantic in that way of someone who had a

very similar like personality to this, that like didn't end up well. And like trying to like recreate that. I don't know if that's it at all. I think it's kind of unlikely, but it is just feels like carefree is like such a positive trait in that way that like, I think I could understand it more if it's like oh self-deprecating oh I don't want to settle down ever like I'm like you know free spirit kind of like I don't ever want to have kids I don't want to get married I want to like travel for the rest of my life I'm not really into like deep discussions I like to keep things really surface level but like that's something that like two dates in like what do you mean serious like how serious are you two dates in in general but also like to answer your question

no you shouldn't change who you are no you are who you are your co-worker knew who you were before they have a problem like there's something going on with them you should never change who you are to satisfy anyone i'm with you like you should never ever change in that way but i i do think that like yeah if you get the same feedback over and over and over again from someone there's a high likelihood that it's literally just a coincidence it could be the people that you are going after it could be like a self-sabotage kind of thing but it also like yeah there is a chance that it could be like hey is there something specific that i am doing and then like i would be like let me give you an exit exam for this relationship or like whatever this is like

you have to be more fucking specific because it's like oh is it serious in the sense that i'm not looking for anything serious right now and you are but also like do friends say the same thing about you yeah it's kind of i know you don't watch it but on insecure this one uh character she cracks jokes all the time and she's got to the point now where she feels like every no one ever takes her seriously and they take her as a joke and so she's like started to do some like deep soul searching to figure out why she always makes a joke out of everything yeah i think i mean i think that could definitely like apply here i just think that like if people are going to tell you why that they're ending things with you or whatever you have to be specific if like i don't

know i mean personally like i just think i'm like i would rather not know at all than have you like giving you this like broad kind of term that doesn't really mean anything and it's also not a negative thing at all but it could be that like maybe if it's like saying that like you're not that serious and like you always like keep things like light-hearted and like you're just really fun and you don't like to get like bogged down or have really like i don't want to say deep discussion but you know those people who like at a party like just like sit down and like talk to each other like just them too and they're like not socializing and they're talking about like climate change and you're like okay it's not the vibe i'm trying to catch 80 of the time i think

it could be a coincidence i think if this happened 90 of the time on the dates you've gone through would be like who am i attracted to like what am i attracted to in people and what am i going after like i think matz is definitely like he's like very goofy with me but like he's way more of a serious person in general than i am and like there can be like a really great balance with that but i think that like if someone is serious and wants to date someone serious and they know you and they've met you and all of that that's on them it was like why would you go out with me and think that you can't change like that you're gonna like change me and all of that stuff i dated all the same guys over and over and over again that wasn't a coincidence and that has nothing

to do with them and everything to do with me and i didn't need to change myself for them it was like oh why am i attracted to this like why am i going after all of this right because maybe you're really actually attracted to like maybe like you like the character and insecure like maybe that you've always kind of been like goofy and fun and silly and carefree and all that stuff but you are really attracted to people who and i'm using a lot of like compare and contrast of like serious versus carefree that's like i have no idea what they mean in this instance i don't want to say that i'm calling you like not ambitious or something like that but like if that was the case that you are really attracted to people who are really like stable and really like work

oriented and are very ambitious and all that and maybe it's you've never self-identified with those traits so you've been attracted to those traits and other people and what really is going on is like you would like to kind of try that out for yourself but you haven't been like you haven't processed that and had that conversation with yourself about it but fucking boring people they weren't for you no so don't cry over spilled milk also stop dating co-workers because then you if this was somebody that you didn't have to see all the time you wouldn't have like lingering questions also don't date 20 year olds yeah it's not worth it don't do it if a 20 year old told me like you're just not that serious i would be like get the fuck out of here you

child look at me i'm going to a bar what are you doing even though i don't even like going to bars but like truly it's being like them being like hey they're sipping their like virgin martini at like saddle ranch because the only fucking place you could go because they're under 21 i just don't think you're that serious as they still have their like college sweatshirt on and their fucking sippy cup in their braces sit down you child anyways well on that note do we have a don't blame memory yeah we do this is the uh the time where we play one of you all calling and leaving us a voicemail and letting us know your thoughts your personal experiences maybe you have your own advice based on a call from a previous episode so maybe you went through something similar

or you like us just love to talk i do want to say we had numerous don't blame them for this thank you this one was like a hot hot hot one oh i wonder which one i was on it too so i picked one out of the many but there were several several several good ones and i'll i'll say my favorite line from another one too okay ready yep hi megan melissa i was calling as a don't blame them for the call where the girl's friend was dating someone from columbia and she was worried um i just wanted to call from the perspective of someone who is dating someone who is from a different country when i first started dating my boyfriend a lot of my friends were super judgmental. And it was never as outward as this call is being but just little things like

asking me if his parents spoke English right off the bat, or asking me, like, if he could say something in his native language, just things that like, you know, people should not ask you about your new boyfriend. I've never had someone come up to me when I was dating a white guy and be like oh my gosh do his parents speak English or do they speak French like those aren't things you ask people so for this caller to be like oh like what if he's sex trafficking her it's the only thing you know about him is his race and you're saying what if he's sex trafficking her you don't know if he has connections to a sex trafficker you just know that he's Colombian then that's racism and you should really reflect on that especially because you're saying that

your friend doesn't open up to you I think she doesn't open up to you because you dredge her and I think you should really think about that because you seem to be going back on and like bringing this all back to the fact that she doesn't open up to you and that's your reason for being worried but I think you should really think about the reason that she doesn't open up to you and reflect on how you treat her and your other friends and patterns you might see in your friendship of people not opening up to you, because you're clearly coming from a place of judgment. And I know that's kind of like harsh to say, and all of this is kind of harsh to say, but if you don't fix this, then you're going to not only be losing friends, but hurting people.

And I don't think that's fair to the people around you. So that's kind of my input. It's a little bit harsh, but I thought that it was important to say like how hurtful even small comments can be, let alone saying that her boyfriend is a sex trafficker because of the country he came from so yeah bye i just want to say you sound like someone who like got called in class and like a lecture and it's just like so casually like oh yeah it's like and then this and they're reading and then this and they're reading and then this learning like this was just such like a very well delivered roast i just can imagine being friends with you and like wanting you in my corner to like just anything because they're like oh no and you're doing this

like that's gonna be a really big issue later in life and like yeah i mean it boils down to like it's just incredibly racist like I just the calm tone throughout all of this while again seamlessly delivering like a beautiful beautiful read on her I'm impressed damn like you're the parent in like the PTA that I'm like you get shit done and people don't even like they're like wow can I play another one hi I'm calling in for a don't blame them um by the way hi Megan and melissa sorry for the caller who's worried about her friend going to columbia with her boyfriend i literally got to work and i'm heading in in about five minutes because i can't stop thinking about this freaking call i haven't even finished the episode yet because i'm just so mad um yeah

so latin america is not a monolith um all of the things you hear about sex trafficking happens everywhere. It happens in the U.S., happens in Latin America, happens literally everywhere because financial straits and people taking advantage of other people. The rhetoric you hear about Latin America is very much propaganda against that type of society because the U.S. has brainwashed us. And also, the U.S. is the one who destabilized Latin America. so why don't we just take a step back and stop judging people who are from countries like el salvador colombia mexico peru etc and accept that these are real people with real families and what you hear on tv is not even close to reality so hopefully that was coherent because

i'm so freaking angry i grew up around like 50 latin american people and these are the coolest people ever my best friend is a docker recipient and yeah so think about what you gotta say and hopefully your friend uh doesn't say your friend goodbye that was it wow you were like restrained restrained restrained fuck you and fuck yourself wow i have goosebumps that was great that's all i was waiting for that was absolutely great yeah so this call when this episode came out i immediately skipped ahead and listened to the call again because i was like i can't stop thinking about it i truly can't like i think that like i don't know we said it before but like i just am so like what fucking planet do you live

on that you regularly listen to this podcast and like you thought that was okay yeah like here's one thing of like maintaining like bigoted and racist beliefs or having like an implicit bias or like not being aware that like you have have these like incredibly like racist views it's another thing to like record it and then put it for our podcast specifically i just feel like if you have to question at any point which means i'm like that you didn't question at any point like is this problematic like people always are like oh i don't know if i'm gonna get roasted the surefire way to get roasted is if you're racist and there was no filtering system there like didn't even cross your mind wild i wonder if they're still listening honestly i really hope

that they did and like they learned from it and then i hope they heard these too i wonder if the friend starts listening and is like yeah yeah thank you thank you thank you thank you absolutely wild well on that note that is it for our episode we hope you all enjoy should we read a review or we sure if there's any new ones um while melissa pulls that up i will also let you know to go leave us a review on the apple podcast app we really appreciate it get them in so rachel's bi-weekly review it cancels out her negative review oh yeah we didn't read her newest one no no that's not but i just mean like we she did post a newest a newer one everybody and just know that she bought a dictionary or a thesaurus and she's definitely trying to trying to change her

vocabulary up a little bit but happy for her hope she's thriving hope she's doing well hope she's manifesting all the good things for her life and um yeah we also have another podcast but am i wrong comes out on thursdays check it out this week's episode it's great go listen and leave that review too so this comes from sarah dean my favorite podcast by far and i'm so happy they made another podcast i get to listen two times a week they give honest advice which i appreciate as a listener for many years love them oh absolutely love it and do what sarah says and listen to our other podcasts as well speaking of sarah my friend dr sarah has responded and she said hi and then said it's possible i guess anything that causes increased

intra-abdominal pressure can cause a hernia thank her for her service wow because that's what i thought because i'm like the way you get a hernia it could make sense that a dick could cause a hernia that seemed like a an easy joke to make on a tv show yeah honestly seems like something that It probably happened on Grey's Anatomy at some point. Oh, or House. Because I mean, on Grey's Anatomy, they've had, that's where I first heard about a ripped dick. Oh, wow. How far we've come.

Well, if you want to follow me, I'm MeganRinks on all of my socials, by my book, by my presets. Follow me. My name is Melissa. You can find me as SheIsNotMelissa all across the internet. Actually, just like in two spots, Twitter and Instagram. What are you doing? Popping, locking? i'm so happy that you think that now it's coming out it looked like your version of

i have the best body for white people dancing do you know what i mean yeah you're tall and lanky yeah i look like a praying mantis or like one of those little blowy things in the wind but you can actually dance the kind that lends itself to the it's okay if you have no ass and that part of your body can't move like you dance for a while like you have rhythm yeah i do have rhythm just not the kind i want no twerking okay well oh if you're listening this far wow you get a gold star um but if you're listening this far go comment what's the comment on the instagram the latest post hernia that's it comment whatever emoji describes a hernia to you or just the word hernia you decide choose your own adventure also you can still buy our merch great christmas gift

or holiday gift thanks an absolutely wonderful gift i didn't say the phone number again i don't It's in the show notes. Yeah. Okay, goodbye. Buy a sweatshirt. Take your birth control, buy a sweatshirt, dump your racist boyfriend. Don't Blame Me is a production by me. Executive produced by Melissa DeMonts and Diamond Imprint Productions.

Edited by Coco Lawrence. Post-production sound by Chris Henry. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. Music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.