Don't Blame Me! - S8E4: When to Move On

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Update: dating and political beliefs Friend likes your crush Coming out Don't Blame Them: toxic relationship   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me if you are watching this and you heard the whole hype up for this last week's episode this is the last time we're recording it over zoom it was supposed to be i just got my period and if you're watching the video i apologize because i think i look like the personification of unwell i will say you look better than you looked like 30 minutes ago yeah i i i've been i'm i'm struggling not doing super hot um but uh that's why we're doing it over zoom just because i had months to clean and set up the room for us to record and actually i didn't so the day that it came i was dying so this will be yeah if you're watching for me you'll notice that it's very messy behind me because i thought

yeah it's very messy i thought we weren't going to be recording so um so i didn't clean up so both sides of your screen there's something going on yeah i mean if you're looking here there's a little hint of something oh there is a hint of something wow what nice beautiful colors yeah everybody's immediately signing up for patreon just to get like for one dollar i want to know what they're talking about yeah one dollar sign up or the five dollar tier um so we're an advice podcast if you're new here you call in you leave us voicemails and then we give you amazing life-changing advice and the we is me hello megan and then my fantastic co-host melissa hello hello and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976

and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com we ask that you are 18 or over have your parents permission you write it down practice what you're going to say that's how you can get a gold star in the book of melissa how many people do you think have gold stars um they've gotten more recent since i started handing them out there's only been two but um i mean there's been more but the ones that really just jump out at me yeah there's only been two so there's participation awards and gold stars yeah yeah yeah so i mean i've announced the two that i've got of them so that is true that is true um what else we oh let us know your pronouns and yeah you've only got three minutes and that's when you'll get cut off

not by us but by the google voice number someone did leave a send a voicemail in that was seven minutes and it will not be used because we said it applies yeah just like the ones that you mail in as well it has to be three minutes three minutes three minutes i also have adhd to my attention span y'all i take notes too so she does i've recently started it is helpful for me not to like even really reference back to but just to like to actually write it down and see it pay attention also while it's happening but like helps my brain um but yeah what's new with you um nothing really new last night i was crying a lot because you know one like period probably coming but also this monkey that i follow on tiktok died when i tell you i've cried 15 times

every day i'm gonna cry just from you saying that i was like it was i was super sad and upset and i watched i literally watched this monkey his name is george who gets like silly bans yeah the guy his name's george and he people send him presents and stuff and he opens them and figures out how to use them and stuff and he was getting like a routine dental exam and they found out that he had like an underlying condition while he was getting the exam and he died like his like his fella that i don't want to say owns him but his human yeah his human was like crying yesterday like because he hadn't posted in a couple days and i was like what is up and then his human got on and said and he was crying the whole time and

yeah he's like we we have so many videos so i'll still post until we run out but it really it really fucked me up last night i just need everyone to know this the personification of a podcast of two women who hang out so much that their cycles are synced we're in the intro we're crying i know oh my god yeah dude and i didn't tell you last night because i knew that you were on your period but like that's why it took me so long to respond to you last night oh i was like more in mourning i know i would have i mean i was sobbing hysterically yesterday from a video of a alive and healthy well dog just being a dog and i was inconsolable inconsolable mott's told me that luther comes back he's back and we have new episodes i

burst into tears and he was like i don't know what the fuck to do with you and i was like i don't know either but wow but rest in peace george you brought me so much joy so much like on his tiktoks like leaving all these comments and i look like i mean i just that makes me so sad yeah we don't deserve animals oh well he's smart too yeah figure out how to use things well monkeys that's like the whole thing that is like so when i watch a video of like a monkey like any different kind of like whether from really huge apes to like well i guess they're all considered a primate family um but like it doesn't feel like you're watching an animal do you know what i mean i'm like this is like this is like a little baby figuring yeah it's like this is a this is a

person this is like a this is a baby like this is like or like and like this is you are probably smarter than me like this isn't like not that other animals aren't but like that communication wise because like you know evolution there's like this weird i don't have people who can like sea monkeys and like watch how they interact and be like nah that makes me so sad oh okay wow i guess let me let me come up with something more uplifting for my update or what's new with me because it's gonna take me a oh um last weekend because yeah we didn't record last weekend um one of my best friends jerry moved to town and i am so excited so so so excited her place is really cute we moved her in she had the most dramatic move-in day i it's

insane she like she's a virgo so she is like the most i also i need to like i need to look at what her chart is specifically but she's almost like almost everything in her chart is virgo like she is the most virgo virgo minus school like she was not that into school did she love the aesthetics great handwriting yes like academics are not her shit so she moved with like 10 bottles of wine she moved with like toilet paper toilet like sponges like she didn't when we went to get stuff at target it was like four things that she forgot or one thing that broke on the way there but like she fucking moved with toilet paper like with washcloths with cotton rounds like i'm like you are insane but she had ordered all of her furniture ahead of time and like all of her decor

and so like everything was you know getting there and arriving in the day before that i got there or maybe it was actually that i think it's actually that morning the couch arrived and she was so happy it was so stressful well the issue was that was a chair that you saw well it's a very large chair she's also very tiny the couch arrived uh because how tall are you she she's shorter than you is she how tall are you five almost one yeah she's shorter than you she's 4 11 and like three quarters maybe do you have any friends i guess lily lily yeah lily is lily is my tallest friend and like i've never had friends at all jake jake is tall and kyle but they don't females yeah okay no i don't i don't everyone's very petite also if you saw all of my

like the girls that i still talk to uh and i like on good terms i went to college with they're all all your guys's height because everyone's tiny um so they were like the the delivery guy came in and he came in hot would couch wouldn't fit like he was actually hot or he just came in came in fucking hot he was supposed to be two people like to do it's like a fucking massive couch and he was like no it'll just be me and then he was asking like sydney and jerry like can you help and they were like no like I can help you but like white glove service yeah and also they're like I'm not I can't hold if you're having trouble like I can't both of us don't equal one of you strength wise and also like we're not tall enough to lift us where you need us to um and as they like tried

every way to get it and it just wasn't getting in like just the angle of it just doesn't work and as he was pulling out he was like late and so then he was like late for another job and so he just pulled out too fast never pull out too fast he kicked over a pipe burst a pipe and all the water in the entire building shut down for a full day like the full day yes oh you know and he like shatters all of this stuff so there's like plastic and glass like everywhere and he like was blocking like all these people in who then were kind of being late to work and it was like there's a whole ordeal that it was like literally jerry being like hello i love you now yeah it was i felt so bad for her but she ordered a new couch so hopefully it'll be there soon but

her place is very cute and i'm like so happy to have her here but yeah that's my update right thank you for that beautiful update you're welcome so should we get into our update yes let's do it All right. So this is from season seven, episode 22. Let's get into it. Hi, I was the caller asking for advice about how to bridge the topic of asking someone their political alignment, because I had met someone on a dating app, who was supposedly previously listed as a conservative according to my sister who was also on that dating app but when we had matched it no longer said that in his bio and from talking to him I wasn't sure how to bring up the subject end of story he he's out we've moved on um there wasn't any big falling

out or anything I think what had happened was he saw that I post things on my Instagram story like about politics about my beliefs about social issues whatnot and I think maybe that led him to ghost me and I don't really know like I didn't spend much time on that because honestly I dodged bullet like if that was what led him to want to stop talking to me that's totally fine with me but also there was it was just going to end badly in in any way and what you two had said about the age difference was something that I thought about a bit more because I had mentioned that I am 19 and he is 24 and he recently turned 24 and I turned 20 in August so I'm a Leo but um it was it wasn't that big of an age difference but the fact that he acted like he was my age was a little bit like

I don't love that but I am currently in a relationship with a very nice guy and we got matching Heelys we're gonna paint them tonight I'm obsessed I'm very obsessed I ship it so hard oh my god I love it we we got the abortion talk done the first date like we we really touched all of the important issues and so things are going well with him um we've been together for like a month now so still very new but he's actually a year younger than me he just he turned 19 recently and he's more mature than any of the other people I've spoken with so I feel like for my whole dating experience I had a dating app for about two months and have deleted them so I feel like that was that was a taste of what it was like and I the reason I joined was because I got

out of a two-year relationship and I had always wanted like to know like I I love attention I want compliment you're a leo i wanted to see what the people would say and then i realized it takes so much energy like having conversations with people i don't want to do that so i'm glad i found someone within a reasonable amount of time and we'll just see how that goes but i love it i mean i ship you guys so hard having matching heelys like that's so romantic if only i was not so clumsy i would make mons do that like oh no i'm so scared i'm going to like break my neck um yeah i'm good i need shit it's okay i feel like falling together it's a bonding experience like has the potential for like let me balance on you like yeah yeah it could be good it may also be terrible yeah

you know the moves i love that that's so great i have a question how does your sister remember him like did he have a memorable profile she just has a really good memory in general I have lupus and also like ADHD so brain fog is a big thing for me and I can't like I don't I don't ever know what's going on but she has the ability to remember conversations outfits from like two years ago and I'm just like when when did that happen who is that and so I was talking to her on the phone and she was asking me how my dating app experience was going and I was like I met this guy this is his name blah blah blah and she was like wait I know that name and she looked up his Instagram profile based off his name and I was like oh I remember seeing his profile he had conservative

listed in his bio and she was like and I passed so fast and I was like that was not his bio right know like maybe he realized that people were not loving that yeah there is something about like conservative guys who go to date like liberal girls who like think that they can change their mind that happened to like one of my friends and i was like literally pulled her aside in a bathroom and we were all out drinking and i was like how drunk are you and she was like not that drunk and i was like drunk enough that i can say something mean but not so drunk that you won't forget it tomorrow and she's like sure i was like break up with this man he fucking sucks but yeah there can be this like guys who like yeah want to like indoctrinate their views on who they're dating

and so it's just like a weird ego thing it's like that guy who goes to those college campuses that's like debate me about why women don't have equal rights and it's like oh shut the fuck up yeah well thank you so much for giving us the update of course it was so nice to meet you guys likewise i look forward to the episodes coming out yeah have a good rest of your day you too bye and we're back well that's our update and should we get into our so the we're getting to calls hi megan and melissa i am calling in because i'm in a pretty sick situation and i was wondering if you could help me i am 18 and a leo with a libra rising and a virgo moon my pronouns are she her as a bit of background i have never been in a relationship i've never been asked out

or even told that somebody actually likes me and I've also always been emotionally unavailable. My whole life I have had a crush on this guy who we will call Max but since I've always been very shy I've never said anything. I have known him since we were toddlers and I've really grown to like him even more. In my country there isn't a lot of diversity which has caused me a lot of body image issues. I am a medium build so I've always felt like I stuck out. Most of my life I have felt unlovable but for the past two years i've really grown to love myself all to say that i know that i'm ready for a relationship and a mature one at that as i said before i am extremely shy so i've never made the first move these past few days i've been talking with my best friend

and have decided that i was going to try and show my interest a little bit more however last night i was in a call with two of my other friends one that lives outside of the country and she was telling me that her and Max were talking a lot and that they called each other often. Now I feel very discouraged since I don't want to lose the friendship with the guy nor my friend even though my best friend is telling me that they are both super sweet and none of them would do that. I am also starting to doubt myself since he seems pretty into her by what she has told me. Since I've known Max for so many years I know that he won't feel uncomfortable if I made a move however I don't know how to go about that plus I'd feel like I'd be doing a very selfish thing since she already

told me that she has a crush on Max which by the way I also let her know that I liked him because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or feel or make her feel out of the loop in a couple of weeks we are actually supposed to go on a big trip together with along with some other friends in which I was planning to make a move however I don't know what to do plus I no longer feel as confident as i did before i truly don't want to seem like the asshole in this story and i really don't want to ruin two great friendships however i really feel like i would be missing out on something great or at least that i would put myself down because i didn't make a move i feel like that's what has gotten me absolutely nowhere before and i really feel like i'm ready

i'd really i just really don't know what to do so if you could help me please i'd really appreciate it thank you if this helps the guys at cancer and i love the show uh you can be as mean as you want i really don't care thank you i am so stressed for you i am too like this gives me like this is probably one of the most like i could 100 like this would have like i'm sure this happens like to me in high school like this just feels to a lot of people you know what i mean like this like this is just cuts me in the deep of like this is so relatable that like it hurts oh I mean this is just a risk and reward situation you know because like I think like you're saying like you've always had a crush on him which to be fair I know I always say like take what people say at

face value or whatever but like if you've had a crush on him like for your whole life how does one of your close friends not like pick up on it or now like you kind of have to work overtime to like be that you don't have a crush on him um or it's like the part where they've known each other so long it from an outsider it might seem like that they're you know they've got like a brother sister relationship yeah maybe i mean i would be crushed to have heard that like just that first thing i'm just like hearing your friends been talking to him and all of that but the thing is is like I think you have to tell him how you feel like you he's been such like you've had a crush on him for ages like this has been such a huge like part of like your life and this has been

something that you felt for a really long time and I think it's important to like let him know um they're also like not dating date I mean they've been talking like so I don't think that's like stepping of crossing a line but the thing is is like as much as you don't want to make it awkward or like lose anyone as friends like you're only one of three in this situation and you can't control that like even if you want to stay friends they might not or he might not or she might not like that's something that like trying to preserve the friendship I think when it's a when it's three people that's it's next to impossible but I think you just have to like make the right choice for you and your friend the same way that like you wouldn't want to hurt her she knows that you like

him unless you guys both pledged like neither of us are going to do anything about it then i don't think it's like fair to like be so worried about her response because if she was so worried about yours she wouldn't be talking to him you know yeah yeah i agree i mean you it's not and i know you're not mad at her but you can't be mad at her or him in this situation because they were vocal about how they felt and you i mean it's like a thing if it's like you snooze your you lose and if you don't tell him then you might miss out on something but it also it also could end up where you just don't he doesn't reciprocate your feelings so and then also your friends could get upset not saying that she may or may not be warranted to get upset

but she might get upset and then you lose that friend too yeah but then it's also something to keep in mind too that like you might not be able to be if they end up dating you might not be able to be friends with them yeah like from like a you perspective sort of thing so yeah yeah so friendships may be lost no matter what you do yeah i think it's inevitable i don't think you have any like unless you're a complete asshole which you're already not so like i think like you just have to do what's like right for you and what the result is is whatever the result is yeah which sucks but i think you i think you have to tell them that's my opinion i think so too and really ship it like i really uh i really do but you know on on the chance of it doesn't work out

too there is something to be said about that like liberating feeling of like when you've had a crush on the same person for so long i've had that like for so long that it doesn't work out and like so quickly i was like oh my god this was i thank god like i like them no but they were just such this like pillar in my life for so long and it just seems so unattainable and then when you attain it it's just like yeah i've had that exactly within within seconds i was like oh wow this ain't it this ain't it okay um well let us know how it goes i'm sure everybody who has like all of all ages i think everyone can relate to like this weekend everyone's going away doing like i can just feel it i can fucking feel it and i could cast these with like names of kids

like i could like cast this with people in my life from like middle school and high school and be like yep 100 well best of luck and um let us know how it goes hi megan and melissa i'm in need of some serious real talk. So please don't hold back. I'm a 30 year old lesbian and I recently started dating someone. She's also 30 and we dated for two and a half months. We were exclusive pretty early on, but it still felt semi-casual just because she was super busy and we only saw each other a few times a week, but we had great chemistry. We really liked each other, had good conversations, wanted similar things, often talked about how we were excited to see where this was going to go. Two weeks ago, she broke up with me. She had some health issues reoccur and she didn't

want to talk on the phone about it. She texted that she was in a bad spot and just couldn't do it. And I replied saying, you know, I wish we could talk, but I can tell this is a lot on your plate, so I'm not going to push it. Feel free to reach out. This woman's a badass, but a total control freak. She has an extreme job and extreme hobbies. And I think she was just feeling totally out of control and was really freaked out about having to slow down and take care of herself. But I'm not sure that's true because there was no conversation about it. So I was bummed, but was ready to, you know, take care of myself, move on. And this morning I got a follow request from her on Instagram we had disconnected social media after the breakup and so when I saw that I reached

out just to figure out you know you're trying to be friends what's going on and basically she responded saying yeah she was hoping for a friendship and she said her health is much better which surprised me because I guess I just assumed that her health issues would be a problem for a lot longer and that that's why she ended things, I guess. So we texted a little bit and basically I told her things ended so abruptly. I'm just a little confused. I feel like I'm missing some information there and I can't really pursue a friendship until I have a little bit more information on how she was feeling about that because I don't want to go into a friendship that's murky or mysterious and I think she understood basically I said give me a call

like if you gain the courage or we can grab coffee but I really tried to make it a boundary that I needed to know a bit more before we pursue anything else I want to know from you what you think I should do I want her in my life I think if we do see each other we'd either be friends with benefits or nothing. I wouldn't want to be exclusive again, right away, if ever, just because I need someone who can communicate. And I think I'm just looking for advice on how to pursue something or if I should pursue anything at all. Anyway, thanks. I feel so bad. yeah i think you need to re-listen to your calm you know yeah like this like i think you sound like a really together person who's like

really ready for a relationship and like very mature and understanding and the kind of person who like sydney's one of those people that's like really good at understanding other people and like can really meet people exactly where they're at but like have like a really strong grasp on boundaries but like can infer a lot into what people are saying i think that's kind of what you're doing but she wants to be friends and the pursuing that you're asking about is like we'd be friends with benefits i wouldn't want to get into anything like exclusive right away and i think that i think it's great that you basically asked for this like relationship breakup debrief like i need to figure like hear about this kind of stuff but you want closure that's what it is

it's exactly what it is and you but the closure you want is to then i think you also kind of want to like fix it and then that's what the that's what usually people want with closure they're looking for an opportunity to see if this can work again yeah and she hasn't said that she wants like your big your ex like she it was friendship so i think i mean if you wanted to be with her i don't think you'd be calling us to ask if you wouldn't be asking like it would be a clear-cut thing what you want is like permission to pursue if you need more information if you want more like closure sure i don't think you're going to get the answer that you want as we've said before but like if you want her to explain more things maybe she doesn't want to talk to you about her health

issues maybe she you know she just wants a friend right now and if she wanted to be in a relationship with you she wouldn't have added you as a friend on instagram since you guys had like a rule about if you're dating then you wouldn't add each other on instagram if she wanted to date you again she would have sent you a text message or called you yeah and i think also i think there can be something really empowering about being like let's have like a mature conversation about why this relationship ended and there are some people who just aren't very communicative and there are some times where it's like you don't want to hear what i'm gonna say like and i think you're a great person i want to be your friend but i don't i don't know that we're going to be able to maintain a friendship

if I'm telling you this kind of thing like it there are some times where like sure honesty can be the best policy but there are sometimes that honesty is not constructive or helpful and if that is like I'm I if I were her I might feel a little bit cornered in like having to feel like well like we need to talk about this and like how do you do you mean like how do you talk about it whether it's if that's just not something that they're into and I think if anything this is like crystal clear that like this isn't this wasn't your person you guys aren't the right fit for each other and like any sort of closure that you're trying to gain I think you're reading into this as like how can we fix this and get back together but like her not being

the same level of communicative that you are like that's not necessarily a bad thing like it just doesn't it doesn't mesh and I think you're looking to fix something that like might not even be broken in her eyes that might just be like better off as a friendship I agree yeah and I wouldn't pursue I would just like you told her I think you like left off on a great note with her where if it's like hey if you do want to like be friends or whatever like I just like would need to have some like more honest communication before it gets there like reach out to me and then you do nothing and if she reaches out to you like cool but i think if you are looking for a relationship you then have to be really forthcoming because she said a friendship

and it doesn't sound like you disagreed on the call but i think you guys just have little different ideas about what might be going into it i just want she wouldn't have added you on instagram that she wanted more yeah well hope you don't hate us she said we could be harsh if if she was that her except the one before both of them did oh okay okay okay yeah i love when you say that it makes me feel a lot better we're gonna take a quick break and we will be right back we are back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls hey megan and melissa um i've listened to every single episode of this podcast i just want to tell you guys that i love you guys so much and i'm very excited because this is my first time

calling um so i am 20 years old and my pronouns are she her and the other person in this story is also 20 and goes by she her pronouns as well so just to preface this girl and I have been friends since the very first day of seventh grade and we've been friends throughout high school college and university so I've been friends for like around 10 years now um I've never really had a fight with her but this year we've just had a couple issues and they've all kind of stemmed since her political views have become a little bit more apparent um we never really have political conversation with each other. Like if we're talking about it in a group, she usually stays quiet and doesn't really say anything. But I can tell through some stuff she posts on social media

and through her family's ideologies that she is pretty right-leaning. This has become an issue recently because sadly the pandemic has become very political. And of course her right-leaning views lead her to not take code very seriously. I really haven't seen her much throughout the pandemic. So it hasn't really been a problem until something happened back in January. COVID in my area was really under control at the time and the cases were very, very low. So a couple of my friends decided to book an Airbnb, but only unless every single person got tested beforehand. We all got tested, wrote in the group chat that we got our negatives and we went to the cottage. So everything was really awesome there. Nothing happened.

it was just two or three days and then we come back so the problem is that a friend who was also at the cottage this week tells me that the original girl had never actually gotten tested and lied to every single one of us um this is extremely upsetting i know i know we disagree on certain things but this was really crossing a line for me um i'm extremely non-confrontational but I really really need to bring this up um I would really love it if you guys could give me insight and on how to go about it what I should say and just overall what to do with the situation I feel like I'd be more capable of being a bitch over the phone rather than to her face but it would really help me if you guys gave me an answer on how to react to this

I she is a really good friend to me and we're extremely close so I don't want to I really don't want to lose her and I don't want to cut her off just because of this but I really need to like put her in her place and let her know just how fucked up it was and how it upset me so I I would love it if you guys could help me just how how to bring it up how to call her out and how to do it properly thank you so much I love you guys oh this is really I'm really having to like the thing be creative um us two probably aren't the two people to ask about how to be nice about things like i literally send my sister stuff when i have to be nice so she can proofread it and make it nicer yeah so and i mean you can see it's a good megan would have reacted i clearly don't

do that she would have called these this person out online yeah i would have given them a nickname yeah goopy I'm not over that um uh here's a thing that like really sucks is you can't like make her understand or make her like I think it's really hard with friendships and stuff like that because like I think I don't have the correct answer of like I don't know how to come from it personally from a place um of really showing how serious something is and how much it hurts me and affects me without potentially jeopardizing that friendship like I don't know how to like personally that's something I'm good at is getting my point across I'm like a very extreme person so like I don't know I I yeah I don't I don't necessarily know what how the right way to

talk to her about it is because like you you want so many things out of this conversation you want to maintain this friendship you want her to know how serious this is you want this you want her to understand you um and you want her to know how badly this hurt you and other people how it's like not correct you want to put her in her place um and you also want to do it nicely and all of that like it's just i think it's it's you know her better than anyone and i think if you can like take a step back and address it yourself that's not just this situation like look at everything else like are you worried about coming on too strong because you know if you push a little too hard like

is she pretty far like is she really is she right when right leading so much that that's the reason why you don't have these conversations like are you afraid if you have a conversation with her where you're expressing your full views and you're not kind of like i don't know if placating is the right word but you're not kind of just like if you know if you have this conversation and you are honest that this friendship might be in jeopardy like do you feel like you're the one holding it together do you know what i mean yeah i i just i don't understand how you can have a friendship or a relationship with someone that you don't have the same um values as yeah and i think if you are canadian there is like there is some difference like i can't speak on it the same way

that like i would if this was like an american like trump supporter and that i know there are i mean i know like there's a lot of there's alberta there's a lot of parts of canada that are like incredibly um like pro trump not saying all of alberta at all but like from what i've learned there there are these different pockets and areas and right leaning i'm not i'm not i'm ignorant to not say i don't know totally what that what right leaning means in terms of like where you are also like what province you're in and like what do you know i mean like i don't know what the what that is like because i agree i also think that not being able to talk with friends about something as like massive as like, and this I think is where the pandemic has really

crossed over into this. And that because people made it political issue, like it's a moral issue. So like for me, like not being able to feel confident that my friend cares about my health and my wellbeing and everybody else is around me. Like that to me is a big moral failure and like a really big like moral difference and i don't know how many other political issues are like that where you are i know where we are that's like human rights issues and political like they're it completely become like they become political when they shouldn't be it's no not at all they're not yeah political issues but they've been made political issues because of money essentially yeah so I think like it's hard to know because like when we talk about like disagreeing

on how people can disagree on politics and it's like oh we all agree that like we should have universal health care but some people like this is the way that I would do it or this is how I feel about this thing like so I don't know where she falls in there because I would have a really hard time thinking of someone as like a good person who falls into the like conservative part and people who I know people get some out when I say that but in America and like so that this is just very different but I mean I think I don't know this sucks because I think like you are wanting to look past this kind of stuff and like you guys haven't talked about politics and you've just again kind of avoided that to maintain this friendship that's not going to

work forever because she's going to date someone or something's up with her family or things like raising kids or whatever like this is an inevitable thing that comes up at some point the same way that it does in romantic relationships like the same thing with like different religion like religious views in relationships like there are these things that like at a certain point it doesn't it becomes bigger than that person like it becomes like her family and her views and like what she moves on with all of that kind of stuff so i think like the conversation i mean i would do it over the phone i think meeting up in person i don't think that she's vaccinated um but true yeah and i also think that like even if she is vaccinated i think

like that kind of would show that you would trust to believe that she had gotten vaccinated when she'd already lied to you before i think it shows much more of like a consistent statement and feeling for you if you do it over the phone maybe i would facetime um and i would just like tell her like i'm really disappointed like that was like a really hurtful thing that you would be so callous about everyone else's boundaries and their health and safety and what they wanted. And like, that was such a selfish decision. And like, I'm like heartbroken

and I'm like really sad that you would do that. And like, I think like we need to have a serious conversation about like what you're like, what you're thinking about this. And I'm happy to share like articles to get you more educated and informed on this, but like, I'm not okay with you putting people's lives in danger.

And like, this is something really serious. and you did it to me and like i hope you know how much that like you really hurt me and like i hope you can know that like there are things that i need from you and like educating yourself on this like for our friendship like it's just it's a huge issue yeah maybe even play this call yeah because you went over all your view like bullet points of why it hurt you why she lied the biggest thing to me is that she lied like there's no trust there she lied and i think that also subconsciously even for the caller maybe like to me i'm like that to me shows a weak spot that you might be open to changing your mind about something because you're not that confident in

you are either a complete deranged asshole or you're not so confident in your decisions when it comes to a group collective voice that's feeling the opposite like that that might be like you don't have enough to back it up like you don't have also your friend that she told that it was a lie how what's their feeling towards this and they could be there with you if that's what you want or it could be like you broke everyone's trust and potentially put our health there is yeah i mean yeah i would do it one-on-one because i think she might feel ambushed and i don't think that like she forgot that's not what we're going for we're trying to keep the friendship that's what i mean i'm like we're trying to keep the friendship would i call her in with every

other person on the line and then take turns going in on her yes would i have already been like i never want to see your face again yes but you're trying to keep this friendship and i do think that there is something to be said about people who aren't confident in their choices and their opinions to really publicly stand by them um most of the time I've found that those are the people who are who who are pretty easily influenced by like their family members or people that they've dated and those are there have been seeds of doubt planted in their minds and I think that like maybe you can get to her that way but I think if she doubles down but I think you have to have like this conversation needs to be like this is what really hurt me but then you need to have a

conversation about politics with her like you've avoided talking about this with her for so long and that's not helpful for either of you like anytime people are like oh we put like my politics aside like i'm not gonna like cut off my friends who like don't have the same belief system as me like how else am i supposed to like how else are they supposed to change their minds you have to actively work on that otherwise that these people are being rewarded for having like shitty terrible views like if if you want to there's like yeah sure there's some people who can like look past political views i don't relate or understand that at all but i think if you have friends who have different views than yours and you feel like it's important for you to be a figure in their life so

they can change their views that's not a passive thing like that's not it's not like being ambushed or bombarding them every day but you have to have those conversations because inevitably it's going to come up and like what if she doesn't vaccinate her kids and then it's like you know and you guys are just friends like what like do you want her in your what what if you have like a massive falling out she doesn't vaccinate her kids she wants tries to come to your wedding like you know like there's just all these other things that i think it's important to i think it's really important to talk about that kind of stuff. I'm

Diana Melissa. I'm 21 years old and my pronouns are she, her. And I've gotten myself into a pretty complicated situation over the past year. So I'm a closeted Hispanic lesbian. My close friends and very few close relatives like my cousins and my brother know about my sexuality.

Recently, however, being closeted has become more and more suffocating. I'm really tired of hiding and I feel like I'm going to accidentally out myself if I don't come out soon. My parents say they're accepting of gay people, but they express disgust in seeing only queer people in media like TV shows, and my mom has said lesbians are predatory and unnatural. I know that telling them would already complicate my home life, and my mom would likely cry and be depressed because she thinks her daughter is going to hell. My dad would probably be angry, but I

think they would eventually get over it. They both have brought up the possibility of me being a lesbian to my brother multiple times, so I think they're expecting it by now. The problem is that I've been in a relationship for almost three years. Me and my partner's relationship was long distance up until one year ago. Last year, my girlfriend, whose pronouns she they, ended up getting outed to her parents. When they found out, she had to drop out of college due to a lack of financial support from her family, and move across the country to live in California, which is where I am, due to the toxic environment that she ended up in after being outed. Since I was the only person they knew here and were mid-pandemic, I ended up introducing her to my family so that

they didn't end up alone during the holidays. Since then, they've been around my family and my family loved her. She sleeps over regularly and talks to my mom whenever she comes over. I know that having her around has been a really bad idea, but whenever I had friends over, they slept over, so this didn't seem weird to my parents at all. My dad has helped her through buying a car and navigating insurance, and she no longer has her parents to ask questions about adulting to. My parents know that she had to move here due to a toxic family environment and felt bad and continued to help her whenever she needed help. But now I can't come out without having to tell them that she isn't a friend and that we've been together for years. I don't want

them to hate her since she still has nobody but me and my family. And I can tell that she's also tired of hiding. So I need to do this not just for me, but for our relationship because she lost everything because she wants to be with me. And I'm still too afraid to tell them. Do you have any advice for how I should come out in a way that won't blow up my face completely? I'm also stuck here for another semester of college. So I have to wait or come out and deal with that. Any other listeners also please help me. Thank you. First of all, if you are not in our Facebook group, please request to join if you have a facebook and if you send us um send me a dm on my personal and like let me know what your name is

and i'll get you in as like fast as possible because i think it would be great for you to talk to um some other uh people in the facebook group who are in similar situations or can relate on a level that we can't um but this is this is a lot like this is a very tangled weave that has been woven because she has been at your house and stayed the night and your parents know her oh i think first and foremost um wait till you're done with your set the next semester with your with college yeah you have waited this long at this point you might as well and it even sounded like from your reaction there that like that's kind of what your gut is telling you that like wait for that um and I think that like I would I mean again like this is like I'm coming at this

from a place of not having personal experience with this but I if you feel comfortable I mean I would you're you've said that your brother has been asked a bunch of times if um like if you're if you're a lesbian, like your parents are asking him a lot, I would have your brother kind of have a conversation with them and be like, what, and what would that be like? And if she, and like, if she was kind of just to like gauge a little bit more of their reaction, that is not when you're, when you're not there and have that. And I would say having a conversation, talk to your partner, if your partner, if they're comfortable, if they want to be there for that conversation like you guys need to decide that like both of you need to decide together if that's

something like do you want your partner there do you want your girlfriend there while you're having that conversation and does do they want to be there like does she want to be there so then there's that I would say I think um I don't know again as somebody who would be like just a supporter on the outside I if I was your brother I would want to be there so I could like support you in that conversation but it's also about what what you want and what you need from that because I think I think this is hard because you have a lot of plates spinning in the air of you are now worried about what this is going to be with your relationship with them and your girlfriend's relationship with them but that if there is

something that happens and just because they've kind of taken her in and been really great to her as somebody who has a family like that in my life but obviously it's not like that's how sydney's parents are with me but like sydney and i obviously aren't there is no romantic attachment there if she had any issues with her parents despite like my closeness to them and everything like that like that's her I would support her for that issue so I think as much as you can not to try and make decisions that are like these are your parents and just because they stepped in there for her like if this is traumatizing it's not about you protecting her I think that this needs to this also needs to really be about like you and that you both

need to be supporting each other and you're not doing or like doing anything that's not I don't know like if this goes badly letting yourself breathe and yeah I mean I yeah I don't know what do you think I think that they might already have an inkling because they've already been asking your brother yeah and if they're asking that then they if they think that you might be a lesbian and then they see this close friend that has a toxic relationship with their parents that moved across the country to be in the same place that you are they might already know and they're just waiting on you and you know yeah sorry go ahead yeah i was gonna say but if you really if you're afraid that they're gonna do the same thing that

your girlfriend's parents did I I would wait yeah I would yeah make sure that like I think that and I think it sucks that like I think you're saying that you you think that they would come around and be supportive I also think that this kind of situation is for them I would really hope that they would be able to see because I think you're right I think deep down they do know and it's like okay our like this this quote-unquote friend of our daughter we think our daughter's a lesbian a lesbian our daughter has this friend who like you said like has been kicked out by their family do we want to do that like do we want to do that exact same thing to our kid like we've seen what we've seen what a wonderful person like what a wonderful person their their

again friend their partner is and that their parents are missing out on that relationship because of this thing do we want to do that again like do do we want to do that exact same thing but i think like the space for those conversations i think the physical space is the best like not living there at the time i think if you can like go over for like to go and talk to them and be have who's there who you need to have be there i think they've got like supportive family members and you said you had someone cousin like anyone who is supportive in that um I think if you can have those people there with you um and have that conversation and make sure that you and your girlfriend you guys are set up with like your

own place and all of that so in like the fingers crossed hoping that their immediate reaction is like wonderful and great and like all this is is a wonderful like liberating experience and brings you all closer but if it is something that is going to take a little bit longer for them to come around that that that that mindset and like those words and everything like you can shut that door and leave that place and you don't have to go upstairs and go to bed and all of that and kind of like keep a good physical distance and separation from that yeah even maybe they don't have you know like an inkling that she's your partner but then you tell them and then they're and i'm guessing they're you know super religious which is why they have the views that they have

and they're like you know we're we always knew that but now you've had we've always known that you were a lesbian but you brought someone in your in our house that you've shared your room with like you spent the night with them like they could feel betrayed because of that so i just think you just got to be cautious and see way what's more important to you right now yeah and you know to avoid that too if you want to i'm like i'm very okay with um especially in these kinds of situations where it's like incorrect like you know like bigoted world views or whatever or like homophobia racism all that stuff like i think it's also kind of okay i think it's okay to tell people in stages and kind of lie for that shit so if you don't feel comfortable saying oh we've

been dating for three years if it's like we're gonna say that we only started like we moved out and then we realized we had feelings for each other and we started dating like i think that you don't have to you can gauge a situation in the moment too if they start asking questions um that make you feel like this isn't a lie what i'm going to tell them like it doesn't i'm not like this is what i'm this is what i feel comfortable with saying and their like response and their reaction like just know that you don't have to be so so 100 forthcoming if um you can yeah you can cater how much truth you tell them in order what's going to be the safest situation for you and for your relationship with them and what you're comfortable with at the time

but this is tough and i wholeheartedly feel for you but i would also really make sure you have a conversation with your partner. Cause it does sound like you are, um, holding a lot of like protective nature and feeling for them and not wanting them to feel hurt all over again. And I would know if I was your partner, I would want to know that you felt that way going into telling your parents. So I could be like, this is you, like, you don't need to worry about me. Like, this is your family. Like I'm here to support you and all of that stuff. Um, and yeah, same thing with like your cousins and your people who know in your life and all of that. And yeah, making sure that you're surrounded by other people who really love you and care for

you. Um, and, and yeah, best of luck. Let us know how it goes. Um, and, and yeah. time for don't blame them woohoo so don't blame them this is where a listener will call in with their own advice from um that they have on that we their own advice they listened to the episode they heard a call they were like yes not this episode they listened to a previous episode and they were like i've got some great advice maybe they've been through a very similar situation they have more personal experience than we do or maybe they they missed something or there's just something that they heard and want to touch on and give their own advice so what episode is this one from this is from season eight episode one and they give a summary

i forgot that season eight that was that last episode yes right wow because you we haven't heard eight yet and you said now that we're in season eight i'll remember that yeah no i didn't no i did that's what i mean i was like i knew that seven like we've been seven we've been hearing seven over and over and over again so we're officially yes this is the first one yeah okay Hi, guys. I am calling in response to a call, Season 8, Episode 1. It's about the girl whose childhood best friend is in a toxic relationship, and she's not sure if she can be friends with her anymore if she's dating the guys that she's with. And I am actually the best friend who was in the toxic relationship.

I am 21, and I was dating a guy that was much older than me and just so emotionally abusive. and isolated me, and I really ended up losing, like, a majority of my good friends because of the manipulation, and he had convinced me that, you know, he was the only one I could trust and that all my friends were fake. And, you know, now that I'm out of that relationship, I would never would have expected any of my friends to stick around for that. I mean, when you're in there in the moment, it can seem like a slap in the face when your friends don't want to be around you anymore. But you can't expect someone to put up with so much just for the sake of making sure you're okay in a certain situation.

And so while she might feel obligated to be this girl's friend because she doesn't, you know, want to leave her when she's in the middle of a toxic relationship, as long as you make it clear to her that, you know, when this relationship inevitably ends, that you'll still be around if that's what you want, then I really think that's all you can do. And it really took me having zero friends to turn to when I was in this relationship for me to get out of it. So, you know, while it might seem hard and it might seem like the wrong decision, you're not a bad friend and you have to put your mental health first. So I hope that helps. Thanks. Bye. That's a great point of view, because so much of the time we always have people calling in, like when we're talking about like being the friend in the situation. But I don't think we've ever had someone who was like, I was the toxic person and like, I get it. Like you don't staying friends with me, like being out of that, like that, that's so tough on your mental health.

And like, that isn't, as long as I know you're there in the end, like you actually actively being there through it, isn't necessarily going to stop or change anything and just could potentially hurt the friendship more. It makes a lot of sense. Yep. Thank you for calling in. That is it for our episode. I hope you all enjoyed.

And if you did, and you would like to leave us a review on the podcast app, we would absolutely love it it makes our day we love reading the nice reviews i like reading the mean ones as well um but please don't leave a mean one because i like reading the nicer ones better also it messes up our rating yeah no please don't when it's it's helpful for us for getting sponsors for the show and if you want to leave us review it makes it makes it makes our day and if you want to call in for an up and we always said you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com again we ask that is three minutes or less write it down practice time it out so you know exactly

how long it's going to take leave as many details as possible especially your age we really don't need to know your zodiac sign unless you have so much extra time at the end and you want to throw it on in there um and let us know your pronouns if you're bringing the stories pronouns 18 or over i don't know if i've already said that and we also are on patreon if you want to support the show you can donate however much you want to donate a month we have two different tiers a one dollar tier and our five dollar tier five dollar tier you can join us for live streams we literally just like a zoom we all hang out twice a month and just like talk and it's so much fun and we like we just like know each other's lives and it's like a it's a it's like a great time especially

if you are um looking to like you know crawl back into like a social scene like it's a good in between of okay social life or you're like fuck a social life i would like to maintain everything on zoom because it is on zoom and you also don't have to join if you would just like to donate some money to the show to help us run this show and if zooms aren't your thing and then our one dollar tier is all the videos so you can see how garbage i look to that and how garbage my apartment is you're blocking most of it though i know it's strategic it's very strategic it's impressive though thank you um and what else our facebook group is open to join make sure you please read all the questions oh yeah we should we should do that but make sure you're like

are reading them yeah they're really also don't give like one word not even answers but like sounds that would be emitted out your mouth what like for the black lives matter thing people just say like you yeah no that's not an answer no and like the reason why like we i i we're not like judging to see if you're funny or this isn't like please don't try to be funny just be honest be honest and also be straightforward so like sometimes like if there's a quippy way to say something that's like ha ha ha i think that they'll appreciate this we would rather you just be like really straightforward because um it's it's about like protecting the members of our group so like while you might say something that like i can interpret as an answer like i think this is what

she's saying we're on the same page like this is funny i'm not gonna accept you it's so much easier when it's just like really straightforward and to the point because like the reason why we're very we're such sticklers with our questions in the group is not um i don't want to say it's not so much judging like you as like a person it's more like we're protecting the people in our group so we have to make sure that like we're you're being vetted and like you need to help us out with answering these questions well oh also facebook has been deleting a lot of things that are just dumb so if your stuff is getting deleted sorry i don't know why it's deleting it um also if you are saying something about somebody being trash write it backwards everybody will get it

yeah can't do that one i think we've also figured out we could do um emojis oh yeah so that's like a good compromise but yeah follow us on instagram our own personal as well as the podcast and what do you want to promote tiktok follow me on tiktok oh my gosh follow me on tiktok too i'm gonna be posting every day you're i mean i've loved your recent tiktoks thank you the naked one was funny thank you i really enjoyed that one and i was like looking so close in your glasses being like girl can i see i double checked i knew you did but i was like i was like i have i i know she did but i'm like is this where you i thought you might have been cheating it or something because i was like this is hard i i angled the computer just right and

then the phone just right so yeah yeah i made the amount of nudes i've accidentally leaked about like taking a picture of like me like my legs in the bath and it's like a reflection on that like little silver thing at the end of the tub and it's just like a full tit i'm like oops yeah yeah i didn't post one last night just because i was so overcome about george but i'll be back on it yeah i i have some drafts that i have not posted yet and you know some will probably just stay in the drafts i know what my next one will be it'll be another naked one love it but blurred is it make sure you don't use the tiktok blurring one no no i'm gonna blur it on my computer and then upload because i was gonna say apparently on some you can you can

like they can take them off yeah or you can just be like me and get a spray tan in a vlog and blur my naked body but not blur my reflection window yep i've learned from you i die it's so me and No, I told you, no one told me right for like a week and a half because everybody just thought it was, nobody thought to message me. I like went to, no, I don't think it was a week and a half. I think nobody messaged me. And that was just reading the comments like a day and a half later. And I was like, everyone's like, LOL, like timestamp, like classic Megan.

And I was like, Megan did not know. And nobody felt the need to tell her. Okay. Well, we will see you all next time. Goodbye. Don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by Melissa DeMonts edited by Katrina Henning and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.