Don't Blame Me! - S8E9: Am I The Toxic One?

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

This week we're sharing advice on:    Losing passion in a relationship Friend with codependency issues Boyfriend doesn't want to go on a couples trip Don't Blame Them: Snapchat saga   Call Transcriptions   Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me don't blame me don't blame me don't blame me don't fucking blame me you bitch wow okay you really took that to the next level but it's not the next level i feel like that's a half step that's like a quarter box whatever it's not a full apple box okay well um weird advice podcast i am megan and i am joined by my co-host melissa hello everyone welcome to the podcast welcome to the greatest podcast you've ever listened to do you we're on we're we've been oprah's favorite podcast for the last five years straight yeah go check out her favorite podcast list yeah we're there it's an invisible i mean i don't think she has a favorite podcast

does she not i don't think so so that's why it works yeah yeah scratch that um we're an advice podcast and you know you do an advice podcast you give fucking advice so if you want to call in to be on an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at megan podcast at gmail.com.com you got to keep it under three minutes or you will be cut off snip snip circumcised and um sorry um let us know your pronouns on the call give us as much detail as possible we really don't need to know your zodiac sign unless you have extra time at the end but we need to know your age we need to know all of the important details and the best way to do that is to write down everything you're going

to say in the call and then honestly just read it like a script but practice ahead of time take your timer out on your phone time it make sure it's under three minutes and three minutes is actually a lot longer than you would think like when you're writing it out think of like the speeches you give in class so the more details the better but yeah give us as much detail as humanly possible because we want to be able to give you the best advice our advice not only is oprah's favorite it's world renowned and what we lack foreign credentials we make up for in opinions kind of like anti-vaxxers on instagram oh gosh oh gosh i don't think they'll be able to find something because they like have like search things that they like find it for like um they

find uh they like save the word anti-vax and so then they'll find alerts yeah and then they like post it in their like freaky facebook groups they're like let's all go harass this lady and i'm like okay do you have chills up your spine they give me chills that scared the shit out of me i was like oh my gosh have you not seen me do that i have but it was just you know i was like looking directly at you talking to you um so i don't think they'll be able to find the podcast unless they're already here in which case you know since this podcast is all about happiness and positivity i literally need to have a sit-down conversation with whoever fucking started the rumor that like this podcast but then also like me individually i know preaches

love and positivity and i was like i think you're confusing me with jocelyn davis like she's a walking happy rainbow of love positivity just like a care bear like literally without a doubt like of course like such a sweet angel yeah that is not who we are no and like i've never been that and like nobody in my life has ever called me that like personal professional none of the above so i would love to know you know but i mean i know the true reason behind it is because like they're like well you like you like gay people and i'm like that's what because that's always what it's like but your inclusivity and like blah blah i was like you think i'm like kumbaya yay great also and they're oh and because you're a feminist like so because i believe

that like you know everybody should have equal rights to be fair when i have those conversations with those people i'm like i don't necessarily believe that you should have rights but everybody should have equal opportunities and then when you prove yourself wrong then your rights get deducted exactly but at the same time i'm like i don't i don't know if you have enough brain cells together to vote like so right but i do think you should be paid as much as the men at your job oh people people people i'm also like gay people are people too and therefore like half of them are also cunts that's like yeah that's like the whole thing that i just think is like i'm like you think that you have to be a saint to not be homophobic like that damn okay like that's what you think if you can't

take that away from like well you believe in this blah blah blah so like therefore you have to be like mother teresa i'm like no i can be a cunt i'm still a cunt right it's about equal cuntiness for all yeah everyone cunts for everyone equal access and opportunity to cunt hood right cunt hood maybe that should be our new merch i know speaking of merch we're not wearing it because it's hot as fuck it is hot when we record the podcast we have to turn the air conditioning off for sound yeah so it gets real toasty really fast since the merch has been out we've already gotten so many people who are so excited and ordering so if you missed out on our merch announcement i mean last episode but it's also on our socials instagram everything check it out

we will have the link for our merch in the show notes or wherever you listen or if you're on patreon we also have a link there but we're pretty fucking excited we are excited you know what i'm most excited about i was gonna guess but there's no point what is that everyone like there's not one shirt that everybody wants it's like pretty evenly spread out that there's something for everybody that makes me happy too and i we've like talked about our merch woes on our facebook group but like on patreon as well but i just can't stress to you all how hard it is to make merch that is and i'm like i don't want like there's some of these things that i like i don't want to like complain about like oh my god like praise us at all like no no we need to like just

change the standard merch that is like size inclusive um is like good quality and then the real kicker that doesn't profit jeffree star jake paul because i mean literally what they the two biggest merch companies yeah are are them yeah i gotta hold on i gotta read with the for the merch company that we did use which is a great company founded by the vlog brothers and i was like if someone's gonna get a cut because i mean if this is a fun fact a lot of these merch companies are monopolized by like influencers and content creators who get in early and either like they start it or they either have stake in the company um and like majority like a huge amount of stake in the company so um you know thank god that they did this because we

we needed it and they're like in their instagram bio it says doing things that don't suck with people who don't suck since 2008 like yes like thank thank you fucking god thank fucking god it just it was just so so hard and then it's also like yeah there are lots of like you know other merch like one-off companies or whatever but like they can't necessarily do like they don't have as much selection or as like cool of stuff or like the capabilities to do what we want to do and that's where the monopoly of it being like two like really shitty people it's pretty rough okay well we're excited about our merch and hope you're excited too very i'm like so stoked for everyone to wear it especially the therapy sweatshirt people are like i'm gonna wear this to therapy some people

have said that they're buying one for their therapist so they can match i should get one for my therapist i feel like she would love that she'd be like great oh that's fine okay well um what's new with you um well you know stuff has been you know we just got like a mask mandate for indoors back in la so i was literally having lunch with two people that i podcast with that i had never met in person before because of the pandemic and so we had lunch and we had it outdoors anyway but as i was walking to my car it was like mask mandate coming back and i was like so this is probably the last lunch I'll be having for a while yeah so I've started making like a contingency plan for me going back to Arkansas oh yeah temporarily of course but like like I've like

think like I've found a place that has like because I don't not I don't think I'll be able to stay with my parents for longer than two weeks is the family listening I mean I've already told them they know this so like my mom asked me yesterday about something I think they'd be more shocked if you're like i'll come stay with you yeah yeah so i found like uh like corporate housing so they have it's temporary for like three you can do three housing so what i'm explaining it's temporary so it's like for people that might be coming from out of town or like they're working on a job for short term and so it's temporary and furnished so it'll be perfect like what's it called um what are those apartments that every actor lives in l.a when they first

move for like pilot season they're like traveling oakwood yes the oakwood apartments yeah yeah so like that yeah nice i found a place i'm probably going to put my car in storage and buy a suv and then go when's your lease up this month and you're month to month after too yeah i do wonder i do wonder what is going to happen yeah oh yeah it's weird i mean like it's one of those things that like i haven't taken my mask off indoors at all and i like still maintained i even with my mask like even if someone else is also with their mask like maintain distance like even on walks like the only time months and i don't wear our masks is if we're on a walk by ourselves but if we get within 10 feet of someone or even crossing the

street we always put our mask on to like cross the street or like or we'll cross the streets we don't have to like even go close to people but it is it is like wild so i saw this tiktok that was really fucking funny um where it was like the everybody's treating the pandemic like the last day of their period and i accomplished i was like yeah everyone's just someone sent it to me today and i didn't get a chance to listen to it but i heard listen to like two seconds of it was like i gotta come back and watch this because like we're all just we're all free bleeding it's like there there are people and like that's i think like the hardest part is obviously unvaccinated people are fucking it all up i mean that's who's in the hospital

yeah and that's like who is like getting like i've i've have friends who have gotten covid post being vaccinated which is like something that happens but then there is also this like kind of thing of people who got vaccinated and we're like great everything's back to normal i'm going completely back to normal and it's like well there you're basically decreasing your risk of death and going to the hospital and having like an incredibly serious case but like it's not it's not like going away and like you're not like completely immune to it and also regardless if you have like a not so bad case of it like while you're actively sick like you might still have side effects and yeah all of that stuff afterwards and it's also too like a lot of some people aren't

waiting two weeks like they think that they get vaccinated and then they're fully vaccinated and they're not yeah it's just oh it's like an absolute shit show um but yeah absolutely nothing is changing for for me but i did see on twitter people were like some like you know conspiracy theorists were like notice how until there was like a vaccine there was never even any variants and someone goes someone doesn't understand that delta is the third letter in the alphabet so like there are variants that come before actually in greek isn't it alpha beta alpha beta gamma delta so it's not even you're right for everybody who's going to complain that our intro is too long it's because we don't have an update for this episode and anytime anyone complains i'm like i think this

has to be why if you talk for too long like well we we usually have the update um so we don't have that for this episode but we have one for the next episode that we already recorded that is great pretty fucking good so everyone's please if you call in please please please give us an update because they've been kind of lacking recently yeah and you get to you know facetime slash zoom with us we're really nice we don't bite what'd you just say really nice we don't bite we're so nice on facetime okay we apologize like if i'm wrong i'll apologize to the person okay i thought you meant just like in general we're really nice on the call no like and i and i want to like really encourage people like if like we're never going to be mean on a zoom no and i don't

think anyone ever who's calling back is like ever assuming that at all um but um even if it's like not that necessarily like if you think it's like oh well not that blah blah interesting no we we always like to hear about it and even if some earlier seasons too i love those especially if you're like 15 when you're cold yeah those are fine i find really really cool even if it's just like a happy ending like we love a happy ending or if it's bad and then and you learn something from it yeah or even if you have like an update but like it hasn't concluded but you're like there's more information and like maybe we asked questions and like you need more help you can give us that in like the sense of an update two thumbs well three four four thumbs way up you have tiny

fucking thumbs i have tiny fucking hands yeah but i feel like that thumb specifically is so this my nail broke on this okay that's what it is so it does yeah it looks so cute it broke when i was zipping up the bag that all being said let's get in to the calls let's get down to business To defeat the Huns. What? You would love Mulan. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm 28 and I use she, her pronouns.

My boyfriend's 29. We've been together for almost seven years. He was my first boyfriend ever. Let's just say I was kind of a late bloomer. We started dating when I was 21 and in college. We met through mutual friends and I had zero experience before that, mainly because I was very shy and anxious around boys. but he was very patient with me

and that was exactly what I needed at the time I loved him very much and still do love him today but things have been different for a few years the passion and the butterflies that you get from a new relationship especially since it was my first one are not quite there anymore

I'm still happy with him but it's not passionate anymore you know my sex drive is very low and has been very low for a while now And it's hard because he has a higher sex drive than me and I feel bad sometimes. But I've had a lot of health issues in the last years. Like for a while, I had almost constant UTIs that were very painful and that were probably caused by sex because I've never had them before becoming sexually active.

Plus, add to that the stress of my career and adult life in general. I'm not a student anymore. I have big responsibilities at work, plus COVID and the horrible year that we've all been through. Like, I just don't know if my low sex drive is normal due to all of those circumstances and like if it will eventually go back to a better place naturally, or if it's because I'm not as attracted to my boyfriend as when we were younger. Maybe I should get more experiences with other men before I get too old and definitely settle, have a family and all of that.

But at the same time, I love my boyfriend. We bought the house together. We have animals together. Like it would not be simple to leave this relationship behind. It's seven years of my life. Last thing, we're both in the same field. We do not work at the same place,

which I would never do like you often say, Megan. But we basically have the same reality, the same schedule all of our weekends together vacations together and we very much understand each other like when we come home after a rough day um we are there for each other because we face the same challenges and all of that so I know that I wouldn't necessarily have that in another relationship like we understand each other very well no last real last thing yes I've right therapy maybe you will mention that I went to a sex therapist for a few months this year but I feel like she wasn't necessarily experienced enough I don't want to be rude to her she was very

sweet but the match wasn't quite right it didn't really help and I'm fully open to try again and find a new therapist but it can take some time it can be long because they have lots of clients and they put you on their waiting list anyway any advice would be very appreciated thank you there's a lot of things going on here and i would like to commend the amount of information i do i would like to as well um not quite a gold star just because i could tell you didn't write it down no but i can tell that you were like an organized thought and like you probably are like a really big asset to your job like you seem like a good employee yeah um first thing i don't i don't consider you a late late bloomer and i think we should all just stop putting ourselves on

timetables for other things so uh for anything so you got into a relationship when you found somebody that you wanted to be in a relationship with that's not i don't think that's a late bloomer uh second i think some of the things that you discussed are related but they're also not related if that makes sense what do you think what what parts do you think aren't related i think that maybe now that you're so comfortable in your relationship that you're bored with the comfortability yeah and it's not like it's not that you're not attracted to him anymore which that that might add into it but I feel like you might feel stuck in this relationship that you might not necessarily want to be in or you want to be in it

but you want to because you've never been with anyone else you want to explore other relationships or partners yeah because just to go off of that too you're like it would be hard to leave because we bought a house together and have animals together but you're also questioning if you want to be with someone else yeah i mean i think just from like how you're talking about it you want to you're you're you're you're done like yeah i think like you have to also ask yourself like am i not if you're not attracted to him the same level that you were anymore and you're feeling like it's your sex drive related to i don't want to say him because it's not like anyone's it's nobody's fault it's not even like it's not anyone it's just like first of all medication like mental

health and then also just like ebbs and flows of like age and time and circumstance and everything but like do you have a sex drive to like masturbate right because that's a big that's like a huge indicator um not just having sex with someone else is like the do you have a desire to like get off at all um but I would say like the way that you're talking about him like I know you're saying that you love him I'm not doubting that you love him at all but like it is a lot of like the practicality of it and I'm personally always in the camp of if you're wondering if you should break up you probably should and if you're wondering if you're having like I think like you know being cautious and I don't want to say having cold feet but being practical of

the future's not always like guaranteed and relationships and promised and all of that kind of stuff and like taking things day by day but I think if you are seriously having like hang-ups about a relationship then it's time to it's time to go and it's time to be done with that and i think because you haven't been in a relationship before that there are and i also think that there's like something to be said about like seven years yeah and i think there's a lot of fucking people who are unhappy in relationships and the way they talk about it like where it's like oh my god like my fucking wife like oh my husband like i have to like this whole like drag of a thing and especially when you're young and you're like that i'm like

i i'm i'm here to say normalize divorce like stop staying together for kids not that in your situation but i think that because we get so used to people talking about like the old ball and chain of like well yeah you know like things like after x amount of time you might not feel like you know relationships are work which they are but i think it just gets lumped in together with people who are unhappy in relationships and desperately try to like normalize that where this to me sounds like there are like you can see a version of your life with him but because it's comfortable because you guys have the same work schedule you have the same weekends like you're everything you're saying is because you're set in what you're doing and the it seems

like the excitement might be gone but you feel like because you do have commitments with him that this is where you should be for now and i also think that like as somebody who's also in a comfortable stage of a relationship the comfort should be welcomed and the comfort should be exciting and not like daunting and suffocating something you're not complaining about and you're you've also said like, you said something along the lines of like, essentially you do want to date other people, but like, don't want to like, don't want to wait till it's further down the line when you already have like a family with this guy. Yeah. And I feel like, like family, like marrying someone or starting a family with someone should be like an exciting time in your

life and this doesn't sound like excitement to you that sounds just like the next step no exactly what you quote unquote should do there should always be like i always say that like any new step any new phase of relationship it should be because you are done with the existing phase and you're excited for the next phase but like it sounds like to me what you are what would excite you more is being single than getting engaged and getting married and having kids and like they're dreading it yeah and like you you sound really compatible but you can be compatible with a lot of people and I like I don't necessarily believe in like soul I mean I don't I don't believe in like soulmates I believe that like you choose your person and the choices that we make

and the the life decisions and just like life in general is how we get to be in the circumstance where we can choose that person and you can like no longer choose that person and then choose somebody else um and it always just depends on like who you are and where you are at that time in your life but i think this is relationship and him he has served you and like as a person in your life for like a really great thing and like for a good amount of time and all of that but it's also i it's also really okay to leave a relationship because you think there might be something better out there and that doesn't a make you a bad person nor does that i don't think you're closing the door on the nut like the true love of your life because i think if that was the

case you wouldn't be having these feelings and people can be the love of your life for a portion of your life like for that first portion for your first love for your first everything like he was great for that but now that you're like coming into your own you might be moving into a different phase in your life and there might be another person that's the person for the next phase or it could just be like you you're the next phase yeah yeah so i i say i think a fit like a i think a sex therapist if you feel like you need to to do that again but like to be fair it doesn't sound like that is something that like i think you know that this is kind of like run its course and and and yeah i i think that you you know that you are you're ready to start a new chapter of

your life without being in this relationship but yeah and i don't know i also think that like if you feel like if you do it and then like you make a mistake well you had to do it you know because if not you're gonna keep wondering what if yeah and passion and like all of that stuff obviously changes over time but you should be excited about the phases that you're in you should be more excited about the relationship you're in than the what if i wasn't in this well hope it um hope hope this offered some clarity or some was helpful at all and and maybe if you do want to stay go to couples therapy together because i know you went to

sex therapy but you didn't mention if you guys went to therapy together so that could help too yeah and i would also say that like in regards to like sex in a relationship it's um i really hate the whole notion of like one person like it's my thing so i have to fix this and like not clue the other person in like that's a conversation to have as a couple and i think like yeah couple therapy would be the place for that and also couples everybody doesn't like you can go to a couple of therapists who can also, you know, we'll talk about sex with you and all of that kind of stuff. Should we get on to the next? Sure. Hey, Megan and Melissa, I will jump right into things because this is just a really long story. So my friend left her emotionally and

financially abusive husband in February. She has a seven month old with possible developmental issues. And she was in a major legal battle over some inappropriate actions taken by her ex during a two week period in March where he like manipulated her back in. So basically she has a lot going on and my husband and I have been there for her through most of it. Her ex has been posting photos with his new girlfriend on Instagram, really flaunting it, just really, I don't know, sleazy of him. While she instead did a total badass thing of recording a video of a photo shoot she did for a 23rd birthday slash divorce party thing. And she destroyed her wedding dress in it. Um, so I was proud of her for taking the time to focus on

herself and her baby and not jumping back into a new relationship like her ex. Um, so, uh, when I went for coffee with her this week, I told her this and praised her for it and was like, good job. Um, however, she did let me know that she was dating somebody. She just wasn't posting him. Um, I was told by her that he was an older guy and, uh, he had been married before and had, children of his own, one biological child, but his other kids are stepkids from his ex-wife's previous marriage, or even just previous relationship, I'm not sure. So I was just kind of like, you know what, should be fine. Older guy might mean like, I don't know, seven years or something like that. That's fine. However, when my husband did some research,

he found him on Facebook and learned that the guy was born in 1979, which makes him 42 years old. Um, he also has a kid who is older than all of us. All of us are 23 years old. So basically when this guy was born, my mom was in kindergarten. Like that's how big the age gap is. Um, I know that there are successful relationships that have large age gaps. Um, however, what the heck does this 42 year old guy who's already been married, who already has kids and lives 411 miles away. what does he want with my friend right um so i'm wondering what you guys think i should do i'm worried for her i definitely see a pattern of codependency in her life so do i talk to her do i talk to her family her family seems kind of supportive because they drove her halfway to meet

him um this weekend but i'm not really sure i would love to hear what you guys think and uh love your show see at first i thought it was going to be like they haven't met before and i was like he's just a sugar daddy i was gonna say it might be a catfish and a sugar daddy but they've met now yeah no i know yeah i mean this this is hard um i think that like if you can see signs of codependency in your friend and all of that stuff um i'm just gonna level with you i don't think that that is i think what you do is you be supportive and you be um there's a way to be informed as a friend without necessarily being like yes do it supportive like

you can just like be an ear to listen and all of that kind of stuff i think because she got out of a really scary and rough relationship which she's still kind of in because the legal battles and stuff like there's a lot on her plate right now yeah i think that's kind of like the more that you can be supportive and just there for her and all of that and as it comes up naturally ask questions or inquire about it or like how did you meet or what like why'd you keep it a secret or that kind of stuff where it's not feeling so she doesn't feel bombarded by it because that is even more isolating and especially if you think she's like codependency issues or things like that that can then push her into the arms of like another pretty shitty person um i i guess

like my one thing i would offer if she's like going to go see him um i would like also offer i would offer like babysit and so like if she's gonna well it seems like her family's there oh that's true i was gonna say i think that like that's keeping the baby that's something that like or it's when her soon-to-be ex has the baby yeah i mean i don't think there's anything wrong with asking a friend like oh my like he like so like and play dumb like pretend you didn't look it up on facebook and thanks for telling me about this new like tell me about the new guy like how much older is he and then she like says like 42 like whoa like do you not find that does that not see is that not like does that not feel odd to you like

your playlist might get you through the workday but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details.

Terms apply. I don't think this is a forever relationship of any type of way. I think it's a transitional one. And I think that this is just my opinion. I think just be there to support her. And she's just spending time with a guy that isn't her ex. and is helping her through this transition yeah i think the one thing but what she said it was in the call um like what is what is he what does a 40-year-old guy want with like a 23-year-old

friend and i think the worry there might be it's doing more harm than good and like especially if you don't know him and he's that far away and all that stuff so i think that like i agree i don't think this is necessarily a forever relationship but I think however you can ease your mind by like learning more about him or even offering to be like let's all go like yeah it's fucking weird I'm not a fan of age gap relationships but yeah it is a little weird to date someone who lives like that far away and if you're worried about your friends like her getting into another abusive relationship and having it be something just really bad again then meeting him and being like knowing where the house is that she's that you know i mean like all of those kinds of things

i think that like your guard not your guard but like your goggles are on for red flags and men that she's with and a i mean the solution is not to baby her or like have like even if you think that like she's making bad relationship decisions and all of that kind of stuff that's it's her prerogative and like it sucks but you can't protect your friends from doing any of that they have to learn it on their own um but the best thing that you can do is be i think the best friend in the situation is an informed friend and a friend a friend where you don't necessarily have to be doing digging to find out information like she's giving you information freely and that you can know and you and your husband can talk behind her back and just be

like god like it's weird like blah blah blah but i think if she's already keeping it a secret that might be raising some red flags for you that like that's stressing you out um so i would just swallow your judgment when you're around her and you don't have to be her hype woman but like find out as much as you can about this. And so she can come to you and talk to you because I think that there is a difficult thing when you're getting out of a bad relationship and then getting into another one that sometimes you can feel stupid if it, if it goes badly again. So I think the, the, the least amount of judgment you can do. So if things do go bad in this, which I think just by nature that they will regardless of how what going bad is what whatever it means in the

situation that you are hearing it from her and she knows that she can count on you how what was her family like like during her separation and divorce from her husband like were they supportive of her because if they've met this guy that could be like an indication of how oh things are yeah and it could be there i mean there could be like it could be like a lot of a lot of reasons of like a family that's not really emotionally mature and like don't know how to talk about it and so it's like oh a new person great awesome maybe she is struggling financially and this guy is like i mean i again if you're gonna date someone old don't date them for free but like maybe it is something like that or maybe they're kind of like very traditional old school and like you need to get

someone who can provide for you but yeah maybe they've met him and it's kind of like their seal of approval on that and I mean to answer your question of what is a 42 year old seeing a 23 year old I mean young hot girl and I think that like there is a power dynamic when it comes to age up relationships we weren't even talking about this before we were recording there are so many things that come into play it's not always um like a fetish fetish fetishization of um like younger women or young bodies that can really happen it can also happen any age especially if um i would say if someone has a body like mine like there's like i anytime an older guy would hit on like an older older guy would hit on me when i was i mean even still now i'm like

I look pretty young for my age and like I don't have like I don't have what you would call like a like a I don't know, like the the beauty standard of like a womanly voluptuous woman. Yeah, like a womanly body. Like I've pretty much had the same body since I was in middle school. Like, I just I just do have that. And so that I can there's that dynamic, then there's like a power dynamic of someone who. is kind of just like a piece of shit and like or not even not like not the power dynamic one but there's someone who like does not amount to much within their peers and wants to feel good about themselves and has a pretty like low self-worth but um it's kind of the same people who like become cops where it's like so they need this like false sense of like oh i'm doing great like i am like look at me now like like short man syndrome what like fuck off and like who date younger girls who make them feel cooler and more important but then there's also just like

the media has portrayed younger women and men together for and older men together for like such a long time that it can be people mirroring the relationship that they saw with their parents or um just old school stuff like that or it is a sense of like you know the really dangerous one along with you know the fetishization of um i want someone i can manipulate and control and like there are many reasons there are many ways that people end up in those relationships um and i'm not a proponent of age gap relationships for the reason that like i don't know like i've always said like i know people who are in age gap relationships and they work but it's because they acknowledge how it how'd they end up there and it's not like oh we

just fell in love and age didn't matter it was oh i had to grow up way too fast i had massive daddy issues and my partner um my my partner like you know either saw a bunch of like relationships with younger people in the media or was really behind in his life with his friends and everything and wanted to date someone who was more at his life pace which happened to be someone who was younger because like he wasn't very successful that's like when they work but yeah the kid thing is a little odd that the kids are older oh i thought you meant her baby i was like seven months is really fucking cute that's a real cute age so i was confused yeah So I was like, if you, if your parents, the parents, um, aren't babysitting, you should

offer to babysit because there's no way she's making that drive with a kid in the car and then like staying. Yeah. The kid could be staying with like another family member. Yeah. I think you got to find out how they met, you know, clearly the internet. Yeah. But like, yeah.

So it's probably like, that's one of the old school ones. Match. Mm-hmm. Plenty of fish. Mm-hmm. only farmers christian mingle but yeah i would also preface this when you're talking to her and this is the last thing i'll say on this the preface it with i know that you weren't like i would have loved to know this from the beginning like i obviously it's not about me and like you

choosing to like not tell me is like you're totally your prerogative but like can i ask why you didn't because she might be able to say like you know i felt whether it's embarrassed or I like didn't want to blah, blah, blah, or anything like that. She might be having preconceived notions that you are going to be judgmental, whether it's about this relationship or just judgmental of anything like that. And I think if she already started by not telling you this until it like that, it kind of like was not essentially forced out, but like, it was pretty awkward and like happened to come out. I would kind of backtrack and assure her that even if you are, which we're all talking about it that she can totally tell you all of that kind of stuff

we're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back we are back from our break and uh let's get in to the rest of the calls hello megan and melissa i am a 24 year old female pronouns are she her and my boyfriend that i'm going to be referring to is 23 pronouns he him we've been dating for about a year so my two best friends that i've known since middle school so for over 10 years are planning a trip to a cabin in an air an airbnb cabin in a mountain area at the end of summer we decided to make it a couple's trip. They have been with their boyfriends for around two years each. When I first brought up the trip to my boyfriend, he was unsure if he could get off of work. So that's what I told my

friends, and that's where it currently stands, that we are not sure if he'll be able to attend because of his work schedule. But he was also kind of iffy about the trip in general because he had never met any of these people. I suggested that we hang out with them a few times before going, and he thought that it was a good idea and agreed we have since hung out with them three times and my poor boyfriend was bored as hell it was mostly just my friends and i talking chatting with each other get your tickets now for the dog stars it's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear a therapist kill or be killed jacob alorti there are people out there they need our help

josh brolin shoot first and inquire afterwards margaret qualley okay tough guy and guy peers arm up the dog stars directed by ridley scott in theaters friday get tickets now they're because you know we're the ones that know each other we tried to get the boys more involved get them to know mingle with each other or involved in our conversations but for the most time they just kind of sat on the sidelines so now my boyfriend is iffy and thinking that he won't be comfortable going on this trip. He has ADHD and is a raging Aries, so he needs to be occupied or doing some sort of action 24-7. Otherwise, he just is pretty miserable and just not comfortable. I suggested he come up for just the two weekend days of the trip instead of staying

for the full five days. And we could tell everyone that, you know, he could only get off of work for the weekend and can't come during the weekdays. But he's still a fee about just that. I myself and going no matter what, but I'd rather not be the only person there without their significant other. But I also don't want him to be uncomfortable. So I'm just wondering, should I keep pushing for him to come for those two days? Or should I just leave it be and not make him do, like participate in a situation that he's going to be uncomfortable in? Because I feel like it'd be awkward for everyone. But then again, you know, I don't want to be the only person left alone. also the trip is about

three hours away so a point he brought up is that he'd be driving three hours one day just to turn around and go back another three hours the next let me know what you think should I keep pushing or should I leave it be and just kind of go alone thank you

bye this is hard it is this is the definition of like who else gonna be there yeah because if I thought about it like it was mods I would be like i don't know because i mean a i don't want to be forced to go anywhere i don't want to go but at the same time

if i thought that like he was gonna if i thought macho was gonna be awkward or it was gonna be weird i wouldn't want him to go right so like to me it seems like i i don't know like if it would be like awkward or uncomfortable then i would feel really awkward but it sounds to me like he's just gonna be bored yeah that's what it sounds like but also so you guys decided like it was gonna be a girl's trip at first but then you're like let's make it a couple's trip did you guys get like his input like did you get this input before the final decision was made to make it a couple's trip yeah that is true but i get it but i also feel like some when you go on trips like in the

middle of nowhere you can just disappear by yourself if you want to so if he can like keep himself occupied and you still because you said you'd go even if he didn't go so like if he comes for the whole time and then keeps himself occupied away from each other

would it be fine because he has since he has to be doing something all the time yeah I would say like is there a way that this could be scheduled and planned because like i think it is scheduled no but like in the sense of like oh like scheduling out what you're doing we're gonna go on a boat on this day and like we're gonna do this hike or we're gonna do this

kind of stuff because like i think the idea of like sitting with like my best friends from middle school in a cabin in the middle of the woods like is so fun and so great but yeah if it was like i mean i would like mott's and sydney's boyfriend would like without doubt be fine but like if it was something I can also understand like needing to plan something like how the way that like you can hang out and do absolutely nothing with like your really close friends that can't be a couple's trip like because you're going from like oh this is just going to be a girl's trip where like no one's wearing makeup we're wearing sweatpants all the time and we're like not going to leave the cabin we're just going to like hang out and talk and like maybe watch

old movies that we used to really love once you include it and make it a couple's trip it's no longer that and so like there needs to be some like planning involved in like activities and we're doing this on this day and all of that kind of stuff and it's not going to be the same trip and i think that which i i think you're probably thinking now is like kind of regretting this is a couple's trip now because maybe you guys don't want to do all of that stuff and kind of want to bring the guys along and you're realizing like he doesn't want to do that but then you also like well shit now i don't want to be the only person not in a couple on this trip so i think that like for this kind of stuff i think the good compromise would be him going for

just like the weekend or specifically um going up and um oh well how many people are in cars and driving all that stuff because like i get that he's like doesn't want to drive six hours in like two days um so maybe if it's drives up with you all and then like drives back down by himself or she drives rides with someone and then he comes like when he comes back she rides with him but she drives yeah exactly it's like where he's only he's in a car both ways obviously but he's only no i'm saying he doesn't have to go the first like the first part he doesn't have to drive yeah but so like there's a on either side i mean so like either he drives up when they're all going and he doesn't drive the car he's just riding in the car like she drives their car or something

and then he like leaves early and takes that car then someone else drives her home we're on the opposite end and um yeah i think actually that actually if he comes for the first part that might be better because he can fill out the situation to see if he wants to stay longer yeah and i get like needing stuff to do and like you know all of that kind of stuff but like he's a grown man like well i think of this like this is kind of like one of those obligations like a like a wedding like it's like not everything is going to be like really fun and all of that but there's a difference between like i feel really uncomfortable versus i'm bored and like if he's really uncomfortable and like these guys make him uncomfortable or like i don't know they're like

maybe they maybe they say some like crazy fucking shit or like it's just really uncomfy that to me is like, okay, this is, if it's just Boris taking one for the team, but in the same thing that- Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life?

How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st.

Visit Ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. I also kind of think with weddings in that sense, I don't think that he should be paying for it then. Like, I think if you want him there and he's going to be bored and it's like not his ideal thing, I don't think that he should have to spend like,

I don't know, 500 bucks on this trip. Right. So I think that like, it's weighing all of those kinds of pros and cons. um but i also don't think that there's anything wrong with being like the only couple who's not only person not in a couple there because i think that it seems like the girls are going to click up anyway because you said when you guys are hanging out all as a group the girls were all laughing and he's just bored off by himself yeah i think you're right i think that's going to be the

the vibe of this and so then you can facetime him at night and all that kind of stuff but yeah i think there's always like this ideal thing that you want like all of your friends partners to be is like close and all that kind of stuff and it doesn't always happen no but um let us know what you decide to do if you sugar mama it out pay for him to go and let him be bored or he can't what does he do when he's at home he can't bring activities yeah on to the next hi megan melissa and potential guest i'm 18 female going into my sophomore year of college and i'm a virgo on the cusp of a leo with adhd um and i've tried my best to list all of this out so hopefully I can get through it cohesively. I'm also straight, which

wouldn't usually be relevant, but it may be here. And my issue is that I think I'm unintentionally the toxic one in relationships where I'm really into them in the talking stage and then go crazy once it gets serious. The same thing happens in every relationship I've ever had. For example, my sophomore year of high school, I had a huge crush on this guy. Like I would think about him all the time, the typical school girl crush. And we eventually started talking and I was on cloud nine. Like we texted all the time and had great conversations. He was truly everything I really wanted in a guy. We started hanging out with groups and that was great. And then I had a bit of anxiety hanging out alone, but still pushed myself to do it a few times. And it was pretty

much all good. I still really liked him. But then after five months of talking, quote unquote, which was about the beginning of my junior year, we made it official. And then all of a sudden I started to get a lot more anxiety about going on formal dates with him, which we hadn't done previously. So just cancel or blow him off last minute. And then it developed into me being annoyed by him super easily and starting arguments to the point where I even got annoyed at the questions he asked about my life and almost resentful of his accomplishments. And then he would ask me what was wrong and I would gaslight him and say nothing. And this would go on to the point where we would break up and then almost instantly I would feel so relieved but then at the same time I would

also start to like them as a person again like not romantically per se but I wouldn't be annoyed at him anymore and I would just um have more empathy for him almost the exact same thing has happened just last year and I it's happened before and I can't figure out why like I'm a great communicator with my friends and I get along with nearly everyone. I'm a very understanding and empathetic person, like to a fault a lot of times. But when I'm in a relationship, I just become this evil person that I hate and I can't figure out why I can't stay in relationships. I also haven't had much trauma that could relate to this other than guys touching my butt in seventh grade, which like even when that happens now, it doesn't trigger me. So am I just a bitch or do I not

actually like this these guys or do I have intimacy intimacy issues I've been told all of the above you know by my therapist friends and I just truly can't figure it out and as someone who's super introspective really annoys me and I really want to be in a happy healthy relationship and experience that for myself and I feel like I'm holding myself back so please help me thank you have a great day so i think obviously i'm not um therapist i also don't think this is necessarily like a psychological diagnosis of anything i think it's just kind of like similar to love languages and like understanding yourself better um it seems like you have and we've talked about this on like an like avoidant attachment style um I very much agree with a lot of what

you are saying and that was the case for me that like I would really like people build them up in my head and then I would go out with them for however many times like it could be one date i don't like you at all anymore it could be two dates it could be like we become in a relationship and then my it used to be three months was mine not five it was three months in i would roll over and i would be like i literally hate you i never want to see you again like i don't i wouldn't say that to them but like in my head it would go yeah like like 100 miles an hour to like a complete like roaring stop and um i just wouldn't get close to anybody and that would be that would be it and it does sound like that is kind of what's happening here is that you are avoiding getting

close to anyone like him asking questions about you and all that stuff but the issue is here is this is and you're self-proclaimed in this that like you're understanding that this is like beyond um just that this is like it's taken a really toxic form and i do wonder if you recognize it in the moment or is it kind of like afterwards you're like wow holy shit what did i do because I think the thing is that you are trying to convince yourself to stay in these relationships but in doing so you are just you're not not that you should swallow it but like you're lashing out at them and like gaslighting them and like doing all of that kind of stuff like that's really that's that's fucked up like it's a that's a fucked up thing to do

and if you understand in that moment when you start to feel those feelings don't try and work through them because right now you can't like right now when you're doing that that involves like you emotionally hurting another person and I think that like if I think this is something that like you said you're in therapy but I really think you should talk to your therapist about this and like all of the ugly details like i gaslight like why blah blah blah i do this and like tell your therapist like because a lot of therapists are different styles like tell your therapist like be harsh with me like please be harsh with me like this is on me like these the people that i'm dating like i don't find that i this has come from anything

specific like i think that there's something like what is gold like help me like a lot of time therapists can be like not not bad therapists can like make you perpetually the victim but really have like some tough love conversations with that um and i would also say that i'm pretty sure attachment styles are mostly formed um and i think this is like a version of one i would assume but like they can even be formed from and again don't quote me on this i'm not a doctor but um obviously like emotional neglect from parents but there's like even some of like kids who like cried it out like the cry it out method like babies who didn't feel comforted as like an infant infant and like i'm sure there's a lot of speculation on that kind of stuff but

your therapist should know that kind of stuff more um but yeah like this you just i i think that you need to stop dating what do you think um yeah i think stop dating but it seems like you're already self-aware of what you're doing so if you do date then be more intentional in your dating you know what i mean like you know how you usually react be aware of that going into it because it seems like you're doing a lot of reflecting after the fact so and when did you come to these conclusions? Was this a new thing that you realized about yourself or is it something that you've always known, which I think you hinted at before. So if it's something that's new, then I would say start dating with intention. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you've done this

a lot, like over and over. But she's also 18 years old. But I think that like you right now, it feels like you are dating thinking that the next there will be a person where this won't happen with and the issue lies in you in this and not the people that you're dating and so in order to not do this to the person you want to date for a long time you got to like get your own shit together because it is kind of one of those things that's like um doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results and i think that this is one of those things like you can draw the conclusion that like oh i'm i'm doing which it might I don't know like it seems like she might now that she's aware then she would go

into it differently yeah I mean I would take a I would take a big big break from dating if you haven't already and I know you are young but I mean I did that with moths like I took a year-long break before I started dating moths because I was a bad relationship bad relation bad relationship and I really cared for him as a person and so I like I didn't want to do what I had done to every other guy that i had dated because like i really liked him um but i think if i had not waited it probably would have been the exact same kind of situation in the same outcome but i think that you got to get to the root cause of this in order to actually change it i mean i would i'm just i'm just like how bad could it be if they're in high school though

no i thought you said sophomore in college no that makes way more sense to the timeline because i was like 18 as a junior yeah these are people in high school oh maybe you just maybe they just wow this changes everything to me maybe they just suck yeah it's the thing it's like i don't who you date in as a sophomore when you're a child that's going to be different than who you date when you're older and like i think that just i think it's good as an 18 year old that you're aware of these things but like i just think that you have growing up to do yeah no i think you're that makes now that i understand that this is high school not college just makes way more sense yeah yeah i just you just don't like these people that much and you're self

sabotaging and i think you probably think you want a relationship and you think you like them and you don't yeah best of luck and um utilize your therapist and don't gaslight people more of the story yeah the fact that you even know like what gaslighting is is like i know maybe you just listen to the podcast a little too much you're because maybe you're too you're too self aware yeah i think it's great that most people don't know like i don't know anyone who's like gaslighted someone it was like i gaslight like that's remarkable i think you're just yeah you're just you seem like you're mentally might be mature and know a lot of things but you're over you might be over analyzing the situations because of the sample size of dating

that you're in yeah and you might be emotionally mature in all of these aspects of your life or more emotionally advanced and you think you are also in dating and it's it's just not which yeah and it's that's and that's another reason why we ask people how old they are when they call in because like you weren't equating yeah and i and um but like the advice we give someone at one age is different and i think you might if you are an avid listener of the podcast you might be listening to advice that we're giving to like a 26 year old yeah and applying that to what you're doing now and i think it's good to have like instill good dating habits when like you're young but yeah it talk to your therapist about that and also if your therapist sees nothing wrong

then i think you'd like take their word for it for now unless you find out there it's a bad therapist later okay this makes so much more sense to me it is time for don't blame them this is where a listener will call in and give their own advice pertaining to a call we've had on a previous episode so maybe they have just their own feelings regarding it they thought of something relevant that we didn't mention or maybe they have some personal experience hi megan and melissa i'm calling in for don't blame them season eight episode five my pronouns are she her and i'm 24 the caller had a boyfriend doubting her use of snapchat and ended up adding his ex on snapchat to retaliate

i am 100 with your guys's advice um i was in a similar situation but instead i was the ex who was added on Snapchat and then, therefore, started a promiscuous relationship. At that point, he had told me that they were in an open relationship because of long distance and that his girlfriend was fine with all of this. We used Snapchat, so the messages and photos all disappeared. I was starting to feel unwary, but I didn't feel like I had evidence to present to his girlfriend. And not that you need evidence, but I felt like I needed to provide it if I was going to be coming forth as the quote-unquote other woman. But I was also still under the impression that they were in an open relationship.

I knew he wasn't being honest with either of us, so I ended up DMing her, my side of the story. She took me at my word, and they ended up breaking up. Obviously, I had burned my bridge with him as well. um but in the end i think it worked out better for at least her and i maybe not him but um i would say that her and i are both thriving now um so i would go with megan and melissa's advice go with your gut and also let's definitely stop using snapchat thanks guys stop using snapchat get off snap 2021 get off snapchat i just don't i i personally am someone that loves receipts so

that's why i hate snapchat i even hate snapchat as like a friend who is like friends with people who have like been on snapchat and like i think you've heard this story we have a friend who like someone had like messaged them this like crazy thing on snapchat and i was like oh my god i want to see they were like it expired that's why they sent it on snap receipts you need the receipts i just it just is like it's not satisfying like then you have to like a screenshot and like don't you get a notification you get a notification unless you use another phone i was gonna say which you know we've all been there doing that shit but like yeah okay that is our episode everybody we hope you enjoyed if you did uh we would love if you left a review head over to the apple podcast

app or wherever you listen but specifically the apple podcast app it really helps us if you leave a review it makes our day it's great we enjoy it also if you're like you know not a part of the facebook group and you want to be like wow i love this episode this call was great like blah blah blah feel free you can do that in a review and if you want to watch the video version of this podcast we are on patreon it's only a dollar a month to see the video versions and we also have a five dollar tier where we go live twice a month it's really fun it's literally just like think of like early pandemic days zoom hangouts with your friends it's literally that yeah and i also a lot of people when we posted the picture saying it's so good to see you guys back together

again i was like you guys could see us back together if you join the group and if you're like not um a participatory person in that sense that like that makes you like there are lots of people who have like been a part of the patreon for a while who like only recently started coming to do that kind of stuff um you can always watch them ahead of time like you can like watch old ones to like see what they're kind of like and see that they're like very casual very fun um and it's also a great way to make friends within the community and whether that's in like the same city or even if it's not the same city it always like warms my heart that people are like oh my god so we were talking about this in our group chat and I was like oh I love that and if you want to

contribute more than five dollars a month feel free to add however much money you want Jeff Bezos I know you're listening if you want to leave us a voicemail you can uh do that at three three one zero six nine four zero nine seven six I've never said it out loud I don't is that right that is right okay it took me a minute i i my brain farted um we hope you all enjoyed this episode you can find us on all of our socials we also have launched a tiktok for the podcast we i don't think we've talked about tiktok we haven't tickety talk we haven't done anything except for i mean there's like clips that we don't put on instagram yeah but you know if anyone wants to give us if you want to duet us stitch it you have any ideas anything let us know please we

should make a tiktok like an actual tiktok i know we have to come up with some idea or we could just like do one of those music ones where we just guess music or something we guess the music you know like it's like this music came out in like oh yeah it works for us because yeah we're have different age yeah that's a good call it's good um is there anything else to promote yes our merchandise oh my gosh our merch is out pick it up get it it's great very cute we love it hopefully by now my presets will be out i'm gonna give you i'm gonna give you some homework what day is this episode no i hate homework well what day does this episode come out or if you're gonna guess how many seven days from monday okay so hopefully my presets will

be out by now and if they are pick them up they're real cute what's my homework my homework is when someone sends like a picture of them because right now when you listen to this i think we're still in pre-order so it hasn't been shipped yet but when people start taking pictures of themselves in the merch then you make like a class picture with everyone in it that's not even homework I know you would like it

yeah I'll do that I like that it's a good call I'll save them all like or you could just do it as they come in so then you don't have a whole bunch at one time see I don't think that far ahead of time but that is a good idea I'm giving you the insight now that is it for our episode

we will see you all next time good fucking bye Toodle-oo. Don't Blame Me is a production by me. Executive produced by Melissa DeMonts, edited by Katrina Henning, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.