Don't Blame Me! - S9E3: International Love Bombing

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

TW: (In DBT) - Sexual Coercion   This week we're sharing advice on:  Having doubts in your relationship Proposing after one month of long distance talking Comparing your therapist's mother-daughter relationship to your own Snitching on children's reckless behavior Don't Blame Them: Sexual coercion Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me    Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891  Follow Us! @meghanrienks  www.instagram.com/meghanrienks  https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa  www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod   https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Listen to ad-free on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME.”   Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice?  www.dontblameme.show  Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]    … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme   Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me starring me megan ranks and my co-host producer melissa diamond what it do baby boy oh i thought you say baby boo no what it do baby is that from a song that's from something it's in the zeitgeist i've said zeitgeist twice today i'm keeping tabs as well well we are recording this at night for the first time ever is it the first time ever when else would we have recorded this at night i don't know like we used to record for a small period of time we tried to record three episodes in one day it was brutal yeah i wasn't even like on the mic then oh but you were there that was mine body spirit but like i don't think we ever started an episode this late okay so everyone should know

it is 6 30 p.m when we're recording this and 6 29 because of that we don't have any updates today yes we have we have to record till late yeah so it is my fault i had a self-tape that i had to do today and it was a very last minute one so we rescheduled so i know we have not been delivering on the updates people are going to be like people just aren't calling no it's not i know but like just know before it was people being like this timing wise doesn't work we have jobs like you fucking bitches like we can't do this like we have jobs we were like fair and then we were like okay holiday weekend we'll have people do it it'll be great then those people didn't show up that was their fault yeah and now again it is back on me solely personally this is

my fault because i had to reschedule literally like last night we did have people scheduled and then last night she said could we start later which actually works better for me anyway because now i don't have to edit when we finish you can just go to bed i still have things to do oh okay mentally you can like watch some real housewives like i actually haven't been watching that much housewives oh i haven't watched a full season in half a year i'd say the only thing i really care about because i don't watch any of them i want to watch the utah lady yeah i want to watch that I started watching that over the break because Grace and Candace both told me I needed to watch it I got through the first seven episodes I believe yeah when I'll finish it who knows

I mean there's a lot of housewives to keep up with I know I mean I'm on the reddit so I know the the cliff notes versions I like to read up those things it shows up on my finsta like suggested like some things we think you might care about and i was like probably because i've clicked on that is probably why i was like i am kind of curious what happened like nikki minaj did the reunion horrible it was bad from word on the street yeah word on the gram i said we're on the street because one of the housewives on potomac that's her tagline includes that what would your tagline be you've thought of it haven't you haven't i haven't i don't know it's hard it is hard i'm not like punny like that like a lot of them will like go on twitter and be like what

should my next line be this year and then wait i'm sorry do they not have writers who don't do it's a mix like they'll they record like 10 different versions and then the producers pick they don't know what what'll land unless you're one like the one that i said we're on the street hers is like we're in the street i'm the word on the street and then the next season was we're on the street i'm still the world what the fuck does that even mean that everybody's talking about her is she new no i mean the first year it was the first season okay that makes way more sense to me the next season was still a play on that okay fucking weird so weird i just love that it wasn't enough for them to hold like weird inanimate objects in the opening it's like we also need

lies that's the thing is like in the first season of the show it would just be like a cut of something they'd said during the show oh yeah you go back and listen it sounds so bad because there's like street noise in the background like so it's just funny i love that yeah well i guess i should tell you what the show is this is don't blame me housewives starring one person who watches and one person who does not this is don't blame me we are an advice show you call in you leave us voicemails and then we listen to them we give you advice and we tell you what to do with your life or we yell at you or if you tell us you're sensitive we will not yell at you we will honor that in the words of rachel we are have an ugly aesthetic what was it bad aesthetic bad aesthetic

which was because we are pro vaccine and we are liberal so dun dun dun dun surprise big shocker um if you want to call in for an upcoming episode they used to call me shocker that was my uh signature move be like big shockers coming you walking through the hallways fucking shorter than you are now perfect perfect proximity i haven't grown since sixth grade so basically the same as me exactly just very different wow if you want to watch the video version head on over to patreon to see us doing shockers yeah if you want to call in leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 you got to keep it under three minutes or you will be cut off 18 or over have your parents permission and you have to write

everything down you have to truly you have to imagine melissa's holding a gun to your head and says write it the fuck down shocker saying man come on bitch fucking write it down say too come on bitch i can't i can't i opened up this wormhole they can't get out the hole i'm done i'm done this has been happening with knots too he like got on this tangent where like he just like kept remaking like versions of the song pith harmony work from home he would just like come up with like ridiculously sexual things to say to that tune and every time i would make a response it would essentially be like that's what she said and like he would do it i was like god damn it what the fuck was i saying we're just talking about the show write it down write down

what you're gonna say practice it time it because then what can they receive if they do a wonderful job a sparkly diamond much like a beverly hills housewife ooh la la so yeah that's what you got to do there yeah what's new with you just living enjoying life breathing you know frolicking yeah um nothing new nothing because you know we had a long long weekend so yeah there's nothing new under the sun under the tuscan sun i've never seen that movie but i can picture the what it looks like it looks like the tuscan sun does this looks like you know that eat pray love vibe but it was before yeah i could i i get what is he i don't know she eats she prays she loves i think she like went through something traumatic in life maybe a big breakup something happened

okay and then she's like i need to get away so she eats praise and loves i love movies about women going i need to get away like truly true no but you know what the best one is this one's slightly okay the movie premise is slightly dark but the movie is not slightly dark the holiday with queen latifah where she was like i'm gonna die i'm gonna go away so i need to get away before i go away one of the greatest movies of all time that's not the one where she's the ghost right that's best holiday i believe i'm sorry i'm unfamiliar with that have you seen no not the holiday last holiday last holiday there's so many holidays i know and also the fact that one of them is just named the holiday is not fair because like there's so many speaking of wait so tell

me what the queen latifah one is okay because if you if you haven't seen the last holiday you have to see it it is a christmas classic no i've seen it okay there's there's two movies with similar names that queen latifah is in both of them but one of them she's like a ghost perfect holiday karen tower plays the other ghost oh my god i need to watch this movie immediately i love it speaking of christmas movies what i have been up to is watching the greatest decision that netflix has ever made the princess switch saga anyone who wants to fight me on it like i will gladly fight you do not think that it is the greatest piece of cinema ever created first of all they have vanessa hudgens play two people who look identical and they're like oh my gosh they're obviously not

related but they like switch lives they do all of that they make up it's the laziest name of a country belgravia it is literally bulgaria with like two letters with gravy literally just switched around and so because of that she doesn't have to have a specific accent it is not consistent but the best part is she says schedule for schedule which i do not know what accent that is that only translates to that one word but not anything else with like c's and h's it's great first one they're like shocked that these two girls like identical and it's like oh my gosh like this is so crazy the third one she plays a third version of a new girl who's a cousin which she's got like a different accent and it's like she's got like long blonde hair she's like oh

yummy and it is so fucking good it's the funniest thing in the entire world but the greatest part of it all is in the first one they're like so shocked that they look identical and i'm like why are you shocked you had a cousin who looks like your identical twin you never thought like oh this is crazy we look alike but i also look exactly like my cousin so did she know the cousin already existed yes and she's like that's my cousin her name's like muffie or something it is the greatest thing it is so good and then someone told me like the second one wasn't good i was like i'm sorry she got chloroformed to the second one like and now there's a third one coming out or it's out now and moths and i are gonna potentially watch it tonight or tomorrow night and i am so fucking

excited and i just never want them to stop making christmas with nasa hudgens because she also did one on netflix called uh the night before christmas night kni so it's literally like a night from the round table who like transports back in time like forward in time and she falls in love with him and like he doesn't know how to shower and he's like smelling it is so funny and i think it's very representative of like certain types that people have it's he's literally an unwashed white boy and i'm like this is it i love it wow i can't recommend it enough anybody if you have any christmas movies the more obscene and bad and stupid the better like i don't think there's any rhyme or reason i like the ones that are crazy if she falls in love with a ghost

love that shit like anything i'm still trying to get fucked by a ghost if you have any tips please let me know would you ever fuck with an ouija board yeah you would i have in the past will you just go on a ouija board you say fuck maybe that's it like okay so if there's any ghosts listening melissa would like to be fucked and if anybody has any experience fucking ghosts offer your tips maybe you need like a spell or something maybe i feel like trisha paytas has fucked a ghost she probably has and definitely not want to i was gonna say you definitely probably has a video like a youtube video on it because you just think of like either you're gonna search it online and then just know

what suggested ads and things you're gonna get or you have to think of someone who has had sex that goes and then peruse their content i feel like someone could tell you yeah well that's where we're at i hope you're all doing well should we get into the calls yeah so this one is kind of like an update slash advice so you know it kind of fills that yeah so don't yell hey megan and melissa i'm calling with an update i guess but more for advice i'm 28 i go by see her and i'm a libra my boyfriend's 32 goes by see him and a tourist i called a long time ago i think it was fall 2019 i'm too scared to listen to my old call because of embarrassment but it was about my boyfriend having a 40 year old female friend who is clearly in love with him i do remember that i

left out that he did try to have us hang out together and wanted us to get along she was honestly just a bitch to me and he actually started going to therapy during that time and quickly learned that she was codependent on him anyway he stopped being friends with her soon after my call and all is well we've been together for two and a half years and we live together he is kind gentle and thoughtful he contributes to the household has greatly improved his communication makes me feel seen listens to me and he's generous in and out of the bedroom we go on adventures have a lot of fun together and laugh all the time there's nothing inherently wrong with him as a partner or a relationship but i keep having doubts intermittently and i can't

figure out why i myself am a therapist and i can't figure out my own brain and i am in therapy I've just begun talking to her about this because it took me some time to feel comfortable sharing virtual therapy. It just makes it hard to connect sometimes. I also should mention that I am divorced, and my ex-husband was verbally abusive, manipulative, controlling, and there was a lot of sexual coercion. I can't for the life of me figure out if these doubts about my current relationship are my intuition that I should listen to or a symptom of PTSD. it's like sometimes I feel disconnected to him or with the relationship I don't know maybe it's me dissociating it's also hard because I don't know anyone in my situation I know you two haven't been divorced so maybe I'm weird for calling but have either of you felt this way before or known

someone who has do you know any divorced people who struggled in their next long-term relationship and how do i know if i should leave or stay thanks for your help i love you guys and i love the podcast i have been divorced you're she's kidding no i can read your face i know you're fucking kidding for a second i was gonna make the same joke and i was like well you beat me to it and i was like wait did we go through the same thought to make that joke no you haven't been divorced i know this okay well anyway i kind of don't even know what to say because she's in therapy yeah and she's a therapist yeah well i mean her being a therapist though a therapist can't yeah so that doesn't really have that is true i think if you cannot find anything that is wrong

i think it's the relationship that usually is wrong having like ptsd and like previous relationships and all that stuff again i'm not a therapist i would think that it potentially might manifests itself like a little bit differently than it is right now from like just feeling disconnected like two years in into that that like you have worked through said hurdles in like earlier parts of your relationship that i think if you were unpacking a lot of news like a lot of old stuff in therapy and it was bringing up a lot of like stuff from your past that definitely i think would influence your current relationship but i think if it's just like he does this great he does all of this great he's all this great like the only like stone that's kind of like left

unturned there is like but it's just it just doesn't work yeah it's just not working anymore it's like we were good together we still are like on paper good but i just don't have those feelings yeah and i'm sure like dating after like a divorce especially like a really toxic relationship is like very very hard but i think that like if the communication is great and all of these things are like wonderful and awesome. I think it just might be that like the relationship is kind of just like run its course. And I think like two, two and a half years in and that you live together and all of that, like if you are not taking steps forward, you're kind of taking steps back at a certain point, especially when you're not married or you don't have kids. Like

I don't think you really remain stagnant at that point. Like that is, it is a pivotal point. I think like the first year and people like oh that's how you really know it's serious like first year like you the rose-colored glasses come off within that year and you're not always putting your best foot forward like you're really showing like your full full full true self and you see each other through all like these different seasons and stuff and then two years comes around like that is a lot of the time like you can potentially just like be done but i think like yeah if you communicate that with him he seems like he's like done a lot of learning i remember this original call because she was like a nurse they were both nurses yeah and they would like go

out to movies and she would like get him presents and shit yeah but that that part of their life is done yeah but i think sometimes when there's like something that like needs to be fixed once it's fixed it's like oh there were other things here that i didn't notice because there was this like big fucking fire that needs to be put out first and then i realized like i don't really like this house anymore like and that's like not anyone's fault at all and I wouldn't drag it on I mean maybe I would drag it on I don't know you live together that's rough I would voice I think voicing yeah because there might be something that feels stagnant to him too yeah and also do you like where do you see yourself with him in a year in two years in three years like is it with

him and do you want to make it work with him or do you or are you just comfortable in the situation and it's working but it's just not working to the extent that you want it to work yeah like oh i wonder if this will work out versus like or i want this to work out versus i'm going to make this work you know what i mean so figuring that out because that's something that someone's been in a long-term relationship like that's the difference when you i think have like found your person where it's not like oh i hope this works out it's like i will make this work yeah you know there's just one tiktoker i follow who's like people always talk to her about because she's a housewife i mentioned her in the episode but we just recorded of um but am i wrong that is what our other

podcast is called sorry everybody hannah stella she is a housewife with no kids and her husband is like very very successful they have a very nice life and people are like well what if you get divorced you're like divorce isn't something that necessarily happens overnight like they're conscious choices she's like we won't like we're working on our relationship every day like doing all that stuff like very rarely are things like completely out of the blue so i think that's like a good thing to remember when you're in a how to kind of tell if the relationship you're in is it it's like are you gonna make it work or do you want it to work right which feel very different in the moments well best of luck and very happy he's not hanging out with this 40 year old woman

anymore yeah you'll figure it out you will and we love when therapists listen good evening negative melissa i'm a 23 year old who has kind of gotten herself into a whirlwind relationship with a goddess guy that i've only met and talked to for a month and he's asked me to come and visit him for a month with the information that he's going to propose to me am i crazy for thinking about going and saying yes he didn't say that out loud i realized how insane that might sound And I've talked to my friends and family, but I'm getting mixed responses. So I thought I'd bring this situation to the two people I know who wouldn't sugarcoat it for me. I guess let's get into it.

So this is about myself, 23-year-old female, she, her pronouns, and a guy, a 32-year-old goddess, male, he, him pronouns. We met the day before Halloween in a cute little club. I started a conversation with him because I overheard him and a few of his mates speaking with accents. We ended up talking all night, and I was very proud of myself because I didn't hook up with him that night. We exchanged contact info and began talking right away. He was in my state through the training that he had to do for work, and he was there for two more weeks. Every day that he was still there, he did take me out on dates and was a true gentleman and wasn't forcing me to do anything. We did end up looking up a couple days before he left, and I honestly was much more excited to hear from him after he left.

But we still talk every day in FaceTime. He has seven hours ahead and stays up to talk to me. He did straight up ask me if I would move to the UK in the future to be with him. I did tell him that I did not want to rush anything and kind of see where this would go and just take it slow. A week later, he asked if I'd be willing to visit him for a month, just so we could get to know each other in person and I could meet his family and his son. He did make a joke about going ring shopping or that I could try on the family ring, and I laughed it off at first. But now, I don't really think it's a joke. Am I crazy for going to visit him for a month, especially since I haven't known him that long?

He could be a serial killer or kidnap me. Would I be leaving him on by going and just meeting his family and thinking I'd want to get married to him without knowing him that well? Don't get me wrong. I love watching 90 Day Fiancé, but I'm not willing to be a part of that still. Thank you in advance. I love this podcast. and i'm a huge fan of what am i wrong love you guys no no he is almost 10 years older than you you don't know him your family doesn't know him i don't care if you're talking every single day

like you haven't even been physically in the same place like you don't know this person no no like i don't want to say short normal like emotionally mature and no good guy no good 32-year-old guy is talking to a 23-year-old and asking her to move after knowing her and speaking. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. we've got ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply

tour for a month move there and like get a ring and all of that like this is just international love bombing no don't do it no no this is so many red flags he has a kid and he's going like you're gonna meet my kid no no this is reckless as fuck you shouldn't want you to meet his kid after you've only been talking for a month like that's a red flag if he's gonna be that reckless with his child this is equally as reckless as he is going to be with you and as he has demonstrated like what the fuck no no do not fucking go and who the fuck have you like you've been talking to that you've been receiving mixed messages who is saying this this is not like ps i love you like this is not a rom-com at all like people like this is like cherry picking ideas of a rom-com

it's a guy from scotland like we met and like we fell in love no well he was talking to his mates yeah no you need that that was that was that was goofy like that is that gave me bella hadid have you seen that where they're like how was the collection she was like oh it was like it was tread beautiful and it was like ma'am you're in paris for hash me you're not like when madonna i went to your like it's that vibe where it's like you know no no no i get that like this can seem really fun and sexy and glamorous but like he is too old he his brain is fully developed he knows what he is doing and he is specifically pursuing someone who this is not a read this is like truly just science like your brain isn't fully developed yet like why does he need to like

import a bride from not his country who he has met and talked to for one month who is almost 10 years younger than him and he has a child you're complete you should be at completely different places in your life and if you're not you are because he has a child if he thinks that he is like a 23 year old then like that shows you what kind of person he is right now no no no don't get on the fucking plane block his number yeah you won't tell him bye and then block his number i think you can really just fucking go i don't think she i don't think she will yeah and here's the thing i bet if she says that she's not gonna go he will be very upset and this will potentially like he will be like no no i'm not gonna do this anymore like i can't believe blah blah blah and

then he romantically showed up on my doorstep with the ring and if that happens that is love bombing as somebody who's been love bombed when you like think about it like months or years later you're like how did i think the thing was romantic that is creepy showing up wherever i know that is not a romantic gesture that is a predatory gesture also you met the amount of red flags you met him at a club she's shook up the conversation though that doesn't matter he's 32 you're 23 and she was proud of herself for not fucking him that night yeah i think that you think that you are much more in control of the situation than you are and i don't mean that in a negative way at all it's just like you are far too sure of yourself and confident to be going after a guy who's 32 because

it makes you think that he is that way and that like he's really mature and he's an adult because you are a quote-unquote mature for your age like know what you want and all of that if a 32 year old man is interested in you and you are 23 that is because he is mentally 18 years old yeah you know you don't want this dude no that's not the dude that you should be with not at all and also i don't even think you really want him that bad because you're like oh i didn't think i'd hear from him after we like hooked up and then he like reached out again like he's just like no goodbye if we find out you got on that fucking plane i will yell at you i will and scotland is beautiful but like do not let this man ruin scotland like he will ruin scotland this is not eat pray love

anyway time for a break okay we will be back and we're back let's get into the rest of the calls hi Megan and Melissa I'm 21 years old I use she her pronouns and I really need some therapy advice I've been in therapy since freshman year but I've been with a specific therapist since late last year working with her has been challenging to say the least I really like her because we're both women of color she's younger and she can relate to some of the things I've experienced. I have very strong relationships with my parents and lately I've been comparing my relationship with my mother to the relationship my therapist used to have with her daughter. Comparing my life to others

is something I have a really difficult time with and one of the reasons why I started going to therapy but now it's getting in the way of the process. She mentioned briefly that she has a good relationship with her daughter and it makes me sad because now whenever I'm going through something or doing something that I can't talk to my mother about I'll find I found myself thinking, oh, I bet my therapist would be there for her daughter, I bet her daughter could share these things with her, I bet my therapist would have did this to her daughter, and so on. I feel so ashamed of these thoughts and feelings, so I've been trying to solve this problem

without bringing it to her. I've tried seeing other therapists outside of her, I've tried BetterHelp, I've tried watching YouTube videos of other therapists on this topic. Most people say to bring it up in therapy, but when I finally did it, it didn't make me feel much better. I think I really just want to hear her say her life isn't as perfect as it seems, and maybe she feels just as sad as I do. Misery loves company, I guess.

But she hasn't really offered any solutions to this. When I mentioned comparing my life to others, she asked why I compare myself to situations I know nothing about. I'm fairly sensitive, so that made me feel kind of hurt and misunderstood, but I feel like that's probably just me. At this point, my friends and even my therapist have said that it might be best for me to look for a new therapist because it's causing as much distress, But I'm scared I won't be able to find a therapist who can help me, especially a woman of color who offers in-person sessions.

Online sessions aren't ideal for me because I live with my mom and I don't usually have a place to go where no one will hear me. I am vaccinated and I'd also just really like to have a place to go where I can just be myself without judgment and my house just isn't that. At this point, I'm starting to lose hope for healing and therapy, which is scaring me because I've always been such an advocate for therapy and mental health. but lately i've just been feeling like i can't be helped this issue that sent me to therapy is now getting in the way of it if anyone has any advice or can relate to this in some way i'd love to hear it thank you so much this is complicated i can understand where you're coming from from i mean if you've read my book for some from some aspects of this so when i was like looking for a individual therapist my our couple's therapist who I love she was basically said that

there were like two two directions she would go and when it came to recommendations she was like I think that you would either really benefit from a older woman therapist because that can can potentially be very healing in the things that you would talk about in therapy or it will have the exact opposite effect and that's not what you need and I think that like you are kind of in this odd place that it's you're not really recognizing that that's not working for you but I think that's what it is like I think specifically you are I forget it's like transference or whatever is like the the term that it's used I think it's mostly used in terms of like romantic sexual stuff when it comes to therapy but yeah you are casting her

as your mom and you as her daughter and then you wanting to know that her life isn't perfect and that she can relate to you and all of that that's not a therapist's job like that's like that's not it and to me that statement is kind of the line that it's like oh you're not viewing this relationship as therapist client anymore yeah it's not a professional relationship you're trying to see yourself in her daughter and wanting her to validate how you feel based on her relationship with her daughter yeah she wants it's like essentially like how you feel with your mom you're then going to your therapist and you're asking her to be your mom in that situation and that's not it yeah it is very hard and also someone who's been like an advocate for therapy

like i have yet to find an individual therapist that i like and i drive with and like i haven't gone to individual therapy in a very long time but i think that like it is like dating in the sense that like it takes a while but also it's like dating in the sense that like you can be burnt out for a while and like it is not like a oh i'm not taking care of myself and not taking care of my mental health by like being like you know i'm gonna take a break for a couple months and then start looking for a new therapist after that unless that's something that your other therapist does not suggest you taking a break in between but like i have i've done that where like you just can kind of get burnt out and you're like you know i'm gonna take a break and then i

will start like looking for another therapist it seems like she did look for other therapists no but like taking a break and then not seeing this current therapist got it because i think that like a reset yeah just because i can totally see how this would happen and maybe it is seeking out a therapist who is absolutely nothing like your mom whether that's like looks wise personality wise or maybe a different kind of therapy would be helpful but I think because your therapist can't give you really action items around this and like they themselves have suggested like maybe it would be better to see somebody else I think it's because they're seeing that like I don't think that I'm going to be able to give you the success that you want through this and that's no fault of

your own at all sometimes these relationships just like happen maybe she has recommendations too for other people of color female therapists there's also the therapyforblackgirls.com they have a find like a section of find a great therapist for black girls in your area professional help sign just for you and then you can enter in specifically based on virtual persons in office but yeah this is hard it's really hard it's really hard to like when you are therapy is like such a raw thing that like you can like leave being very exposed and it can sometimes like get a lot worse before it gets better and like you're really like knee deep in unpacking these emotions and feelings and stuff and then when it doesn't really go well

that can feel really disorienting because everything's not necessarily packaged up in these little boxes before that you had done to kind of get through life before therapy it's very much all out in the open that can feel really exposed but maybe also like some i don't know some books on like why this happens like not just like finding a new therapist but finding out like therapizing why this happened and i think if you get a new therapist i think that's the first thing you bring up yeah the one i was thinking i was called the black girl doctor and they're i know they're california-based i don't know where else that they see patients but that's another sucks when it doesn't work out with a therapist i know fucking sucks it's tiring but then when you click

with one you click yeah and you're like oh my god this is i love this this is great i wish there were more i mean some therapists are just bad and then some therapists are bad fits wish there was like a way to just know like harry potter where you have the wands and it just clicks and you're like perfect i don't have to fucking waste my time with like a i'm gonna say a derm string and i was like no that's a human i was gonna get derm string hair hair of derm string victor crumb's hair is the core of my wand. I'm laughing like I know what she's talking about. That's fine. I know people listening to it who have been Harry Potter fans. You mean Potterheads? Yes, Potterheads. Anti-turf Potterheads. Okay. Yeah, we have one more. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I need some advice.

I'm 24 and my pronouns are she, her. Tonight I was scrolling through Instagram when a new to Instagram suggested profile came up. For privacy, I won't say the username, but it was my old high school's name and piercings. Intrigued, I looked at the profile and found out it was a student at the school offering paid piercing services from the school bathrooms. They claim to be experienced and from a look at the less than 40 followers, some have stated they're in year eight, which is around 14 years old here. I also found out my cousin, she, her, who never went to this school follows this account. She is around that age as well. I ended up screenshotting the profile with its highlighted stories and emailing the principal of my old school. It was after hours so I have not

heard back. I'm torn whether or not I should have done that or just stayed out of it. I just worry about a 14 year old offering piercings in a bathroom and what would happen if something horrible did occur. I work with kids and I've been told time and time again I have a duty of care to all young people even if they aren't under my care directly. Not sure if this would help but the school year here is nearly over until it starts back at the end of January. So there isn't much time to actually do anything on site but the account's only a week old. I know I can't take back the email but I need advice on what I should do regarding my cousin. I have told my parents I would not let my aunt know and she doesn't even attend the school but should I? I'd

rather not stir anything up especially as posts on this page said they would expose and cancel anyone who would snitch i want her to be safe and not be accused of being a snitch for something i did or get any piercings done in an unsafe way i'm also scared of confrontation so i'd rather not cause any fights thanks bye i'm a snitch i'm snitching i have a niece that's 14 i would have done the exact same thing i would have sent message to the principal and i also would have this is your aunt but if my sister i would have talked to her and told her i'm snitching because like infections sanitary in a bathroom children pretty gross children are sticky 14 year olds aren't really sticky but 14 i mean 14 year old boys are saying yeah 14 year old people have semen are

sticky yeah yeah you did the right thing and i would tell your aunt too i don't care i agree with you in the first half i wouldn't tell your aunt why because i agree with what she said the second part that like doesn't want to have any social repercussions for this girl and what if her niece gets an infection i have a friend who um pierced her own i think it was her belly button and her ears at camp when she was probably around this age maybe a little bit older and did like everyone in her cabin and all of that kind of stuff i don't think anyone's got infected i know that you can get infections you can oh 100 you can i just think that instead of talking to your aunt about it i would talk to your cousin she's a child though and the caller is an

adult an adult should be talking to an adult i don't know i guess like i'm i'm sensitive in the sense that like i don't know how close you are with her mom with your aunt that like if you know the parenting like dynamics or something like that that like if it like she could get in like really big you know i mean like not like really big trouble if she hasn't done anything but like if you have a close relationship with her and you are someone who like she can trust and look up to and like can confide in if you can be like hey i want to like give you a heads up like i saw i wouldn't say that like i told the principal or anything like that but i would be like i saw that you follow this account like what is that like i just want you to know that like this is

like really unsanitary and like very unsafe like if you want to get your ears pierced or you want to get something pierced or whatever like reach out to me we can talk to your mom about it like we can see if we can do that like i would love to do that with you that'd be really fun i understand that this is something that like if you're interested it could like could be like really like cool but just know that like look at these gross pictures of these things that can happen if they get infected like you could like lose your ear like you could like blow like all of this stuff and it's like i haven't told your mom i like don't want her to but like if you do this and like this like gets infected and stuff like please please please reach out like i don't

know i'm talking to her like a kid like that yeah i guess that's true if you're an adult you have to talk to you the adult in the situation i'm i'm completely against that that's going behind the aunt's back saying something like knowing information about children as someone she's someone that works with children i mean the reporting to the principal she had you have to do what i'm saying she is somebody who she's not another kid she's an adult adults need to be talking to adults about this yeah you don't have this information and then withhold it from the other adult in the situation because if something happens now you're liable as well i agree with that i just think the thing that i see is that like she doesn't know any of these people she

doesn't go to this school it's like i think of it more of like a oh this thing that's happening at this other school i'm following this account that there's no like i don't know i guess it also depends on like how you your relationship with her mom and with her like if and like how their relationship is with each other yes telling the mom if like something happened and all of that or if it felt more imminent in that. But like, yeah, you do work with kids. So like you do have a responsibility to like do that. I just, I guess, yeah, I guess what you tell the mom,

if you tell the mom is just like, I saw that she follows this account. She could even bring it up, like not even saying that the girl falls. She could just be like, I found, I saw this Instagram, this weird Instagram account where they're doing these piercings at this other school. Like you can just bring it up in that way

and not even bring the girl into it. That makes sense. Just so that the mom's aware that something like this is happening. Okay. My thought was just, she hasn't done anything. Yeah, she hasn't done anything. It's just the awareness around it. So the mom is aware that that's like a thing. And as we know, like if one thing is happening at one school, it's most likely going to happen at the other because kids pick up on things.

I wonder if the caller's mom would tell her or dad, you know what I mean? Like whose parent is the sibling? Because I think it's three generations, which I think is a little harder because it's like, this is your aunt. so it feels you have probably the same age gap between your cousin and you know i mean like your aunt so it might feel like for you that like you're tattling on not that she's your peer but like your aunt's also not your peer either right you know so like i know you told your parents that you weren't gonna like tell but like i think that like maybe if you did what you did with the principal and said that which i think is that is the correct thing to do and then you tell your

parent like your mom or dad whoever's the sibling being like can you bring this to her and like say this yeah i think that's just the thing that's it's just the weird because i fully understand what if it was like her sister because like if it was like fucking soren doing some shit i would like i love you dude but like i will rat you the fuck out to your parents but like if it was like someone older than me and i was in the middle it's just a hard place to fucking be in i'm telling it's fair it's fucking fair i do love a snitch what's odd and just so gross yeah i obviously don't love this but i do i do love that the account clarifies i have experienced doing this what experience doing this you've done it three other times in this bathroom yourself oh yeah

not it and also like what are you they've watched the parent trap and then just were like we can do it also i just don't know how teachers would not know at the school at like that time maybe if they're doing it early in the morning or after school you think about that like your ears would you would have to pull your hair back like you can't wear a hood and if your ear got infected like people would not like you also you would start running a fever like that's like not the kind of infection you can hide no they 100 instagram always showing i love them that happens though when you're like how did you know that this is something i would be interested in seeing okay do we have a don't blame them we do hi megan and melissa i am calling for a don't blame

them for season 8 episode 26 i use she her pronouns and i'm 22 years old this is in regards to the caller who was going through a depressive episode and her boyfriend was making her feel bad because they weren't having sex i second flash third everything that megan and melissa said I also just wanted to further speak, I am someone, I have not been in a long-term relationship, but I have had sexual partners, and I have depression as well as other mental disorders. And so I just wanted to speak on something that one of my therapists had told me, and that is that depression lies. And so that voice in your head that is making you feel guilty and making you feel like you are a burden on other people or that other people, it is too much for them to deal with your symptoms, that voice is lying. so number one don't trust that voice you are not a burden your feelings are valid what you are going through is 100 valid and second of all your boyfriend is trapped no offense well no i'm not

going to say no offense because like yes offense he is a grown man who is prioritizing not even prioritizing getting off because he is a grown man he has a camp he can buy a fleshlight he can buy other sex toys like he can get off without another person he knows how to do this he's probably been doing it since he was 13 years old however he would rather coerce somebody who explicitly has verbally non-consented to have sex with him somebody that i'm assuming he claims to love and he would rather pressure that person into doing sexual acts that is not somebody who loves and cares about you and i love you i know i like haven't ever met you but like just hearing you i've gone through similar situations and i've been in a scenario where slight trigger warning i

and said no several, several times, and it still ended up happening because they're like, come on, come on, come on, come on. That's not consent. And especially coming from somebody who says that they love you and support you and care about you, they should never want that. So I encourage you. It is incredibly, incredibly brave of you for calling into the podcast. I encourage you to continue seeking out the help you need.

I am so, so incredibly proud of you for reaching out, recognizing what you're going through. dub his ass the famous words of our tiktok king but seriously get away from him find somebody who loves you and appreciates you for you take some time for yourself work on you but you are not a burden you are not a sex doll for somebody to just get their nut off in i love you he clearly does not love you please dub his ass i'm so proud of you for calling it yes wonderful love it second all of it i don't remember what the name was but i think it was alexis g's all who when she was on the podcast gave her depression like a name and it was like some annoying name was like

she's like lies she's mean like fuck her like you know what i mean that personification so yeah second all that everybody was very upset about that call and that man as were we yeah so i hope you heard the first one and then heard this one too yeah well that is it for our episode if you enjoyed and you want to leave a review please go ahead and do so you can get there before rachel leaves her bi-weekly review of the podcast where she tells us that she in so many words and not so many words i don't know any phrases anymore my covid brain is done for i think you say people say both okay that makes me feel better also like phrases and like idioms are so often like miss said that like i'm like which one fucking is it yeah she not so slyly just hides the fact that

she is a um trump supporting racist republican anti-vaxxer maybe she's a libertarian so yeah also hot take why are like libertarians like so in celly can i read a review yes this is from Hawkspear. It's like Shakespeare with an R at the beginning. I'm sorry. So what was that guttural sound? Oh, like Hawkspear. Honest and personal, period. Oh God. It's a good one? Yeah. Oh, okay. This is the kind of advice podcast you need to listen to if you want the real truth, no sugarcoating or babying. You get the honest truth. They changed the structure a few years ago and i am ecstatic it is a stronger podcast than when there are different guests on each week the rapport between melissa and megan is a thing of beauty they feel like they are your older

sisters that just want the best for you wait that is so nice i love it thank you so much and also it really changed our format was i mean we had been wanting to but then the pandemic real canadian superstore has everything you need this back to school season save on lunchbox savers Like Ziggy's sliced deli meat products for always $3.75. And get Life Brand Pure Vita shampoo or conditioner for $8 each. At Real Canadian Superstore, when you're ready, we're ready. With a whole world and more. And then it was like, ayo, everyone said no, and you should keep having guests.

I mean, we did change it before then. No, we did. We did. Two weeks. Every other week. But we also kept, we were like, let's bump this up. Let's keep doing this. So that's very kind.

I really appreciate that. Thank you for sharing. why is that so funny it's just because like i can tell there are so many letters but it's like still very short thing that you are saying they can't do it if you want to call in same number 310-694-0976 everything that we said at the beginning uh follow us on instagram if you are listening this far go comment on our latest instagram what you would say to the girl who wants to go to scotland with that man yes that's a good one the 32 year old scottish man if any of you say yes i will fucking i will yell at you oh i also found out that we had like censoring on

because dr sarah had left a comment that was talking about oral sex because we're talking about hernias and it didn't show up she's like i responded to somebody and it's like i don't see it but we had censoring on so i took it off good call yeah also if anyone is curious yes you can get a hernia from fucking too hard yes i still haven't stopped thinking about that new fear unlocked like truly truly but apparently it's less common yeah and uh those of us with vaginas she talked to another doctor friend about it and they were like oh i want to start listening to this podcast oh my god hello doctors we respect you here respect you so much unless you're fat phobic and you suck in which case we will yell at you but we still respect you if you say that

we should if vaccines should happen yeah that i think you should you know update your views educate yourself well um that's it follow me on instagram follow us would you want to promo promo me follow she is not melissa please i would like 10 000 i would like 10 000 followers and 10 000 dollars okay well i hope you're looking forward to hearing from us oh and our other podcast comes that on thursday but am i wrong okay um well that's it we will see you all next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso