Don't Blame Me! - Selfishly Moving

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Moving to a new country Giving a friend in a toxic relationship advice Complicated relationships with mom Sister in a "toxic" relationship Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hi hello i'm so happy to be here me too welcome to a new episode of don't blame me you know we're not gonna do blame us why would we we're without blame we're without fault and you might be wondering how we know that and it's because we put it in our title and we consulted with legal representatives to make sure that it was enough of a catch-all if you took our advice and something went wrong. Not on us.

Yeah. I was about to say a fictional lawyer, but they're on TV, so I can't mention them. Or some book lawyers. You know I'm not

getting down any of those. I'm keeping my ass off of Botox so I don't have to see those fucking live videos of people with their cheeky little smile wishing they could diddle themselves while reading their horny little fucking books.

Just imagine, but don't imagine their jaws are just creamed. They're just sitting there and they can't do anything about it. As soon as they go off live, they're prepping and priming the whole time.

and i didn't ask me a part of this foreplay right you nasty all nasty disgusted speaking of i didn't know that when kiki went on raven's podcast i didn't realize that was raven's podcast i just thought i don't know what i thought it was kiki's podcast but it was raven raven and her wife have a podcast wait i know that but i do think it was kiki's podcast the setup they're in they're in the one for raven's podcast because i saw today a video where raven asked whoopi she's like i wish you were gay and she said that so and whoopi said okay women have been asking me this all my life i'm not bitch get in line and her wife is like uh okay cool her wife was like that's wishful thinking maybe they did but they're in the setup that they have for raven and her what is her wife's

name i don't know raven and her wife's podcast her last name wife is that disrespectful no she's never watched raven on television so she she cherry picked what um content she watched as a and there was a through line uh-huh she ignored the biggest ones the best ones and i say this is someone who consumed them all who is also palm colored like her and she ignored the creme de la creme the pinnacle the the the best thing that has ever been put out from them for ones that i also enjoyed but i'm not i have eyes and i have ears but like of any of that who's come back as a full-grown adult and they've let them like still have their show and who was able to be a part of that machine and pump out a level of talent musically dance as well as acting comedic

timing at that age consistently from the time that they started as a child weebling wobbling up until adulthood doesn't happen that person avoided the child star syndrome which is not the you know uh the the chaos and the mental anguish that's coming from but the other side the child star syndrome where you're really good when you're a kid and then you get older and it doesn't necessarily match up this person the talent never run away and you married that talent uh-huh and even now you haven't gone back and watched anything also raven would so sit there with you and watch ash hit like come on don't pretend it's like well no i can't like how can you support her current endeavors without knowing where it came from you can't and that's why i refer to her

as her wife she seems like a crystal she does seem like a crystal but i really don't think they like each other her name's miranda okay that is such a miranda mariah's book is so long i'm still in in it and i still got like an hour while i'm listening to it because of course i want to listen to mariah carey read her book and sing some little dippity-doop bop bop bops i'm just i'm angry about a lot of things that has happened to her and now i i am a mariah uh her fans are called lambs and now i'm in it i'm in it and i just want to fight people for her oh you know what i need to do that because i need to read that because i need a new fandom like i need to become i love getting obsessed with things and people and she loves she truly loves her fans like

back before there was social media she had like a website set up where she would call and leave voice messages on it and she talks about how she like loves social media now because like when things go askew or arise she knows that like the people that truly need to know what's going on can know what's going on and then also defend you and she also had this thing was like if princess diana lived long enough to have like an instagram account than how much things where she could control her own narrative how things could be different which you sold me you know how much i fucking yeah i know yeah mariah carey a prophet of our generation i bet taylor swift was a mariah carey fan because that's more i mean the people like to pioneer taylor swift was like the early

social media fan experience but she wasn't doing like she was on myspace but like not really like there are people who are way way way bigger in the all of that and i bet mariah i mean mariah was like kelly clarkson's inspiration and so yeah she's been around forever yeah so that's okay i'm reading it you yeah you listen to it like it's i think you want to listen to it okay i have to listen and follow along though probably yeah well i'm here for it i'm happy for your lamb journey and i can't wait to join you on the um lamb place where lambs live pasture past i was like the field anyways how did we get here we're talking about divas miranda lambert miranda from the the wife there you go yeah what a journey anyways what is this podcast megan this podcast

is where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and we are able to do so because a we said so b we are incredibly qualified and c stop asking questions how are we qualified to that we say we have been bestowed a gift from the sea the air the sun the wind fire all of the elements we've got all of those because we live in california so did you get the push notification where it said earthquake coming i was literally standing outside and i didn't have my phone because i was eating a boiled egg and i didn't want to open it inside my hotel room so i was standing outside on your little balcony with your boiled egg no i was wobbling yeah i was out and i just hear all these notifications going off and i was like the fuck is happening so i

finished my egg and go inside and they're like it was an earthquake i'm literally standing outside it didn't feel anything but the people on the higher floors did feel it oh weird moss got a notification i didn't get one and i was like that's hella weird and i felt i don't think we felt the big one but i definitely felt an after shock when we were there but it was more of like a it's just kind of like a like it's like a like it feels like you're settling again um but lily was in the epicenter and like everything fell off of her walls and broke and she said it she was on facetime with jesse and she said it jesse said it sounded like someone was like breaking into her house or there was like thunder like she could you could hear the house shake and then

lily like hung everything back up and then she texted me a picture she goes just got home these fell down and i was like bitch you've lived in california your whole life after shock you cannot put anything back up for like three days like what are you doing so yeah that is right that is that is where we live that is the um all elements at once so yeah you and what we lack in credentials we make up for in opinions i know i keep thinking about it every time and then it just it's like a thought that like it's a quick flash and then suddenly it's gone from my brain like most things are right now small shelf life up here so yeah we've got multiple ways now that you can write in call in leave us a voice memo and we listen to that or read that out loud and we give you advice

on the predicament that you are currently facing. So if you want to call in and leave us a voicemail, you can do so at 310-694-0976. International listeners, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com. Those, both of those have to stay under three minutes. So we do ask that you write everything down,

include your ages, if there are multiple people in the story, if it's about a relationship, how long you've been together, a friendship, how long have you been friends? Like give us enough of the backstory so we can have a good sense of the characters. if you would like to include pronouns please feel free to do so it is all anonymous so everything

will be you know we're not attaching it to your name or anything so if you're multiple characters in all of this it is very helpful for us to have those names there come up with some little create the lore create the lore of your own life um and then we can follow along and we can only give advice based on the information that you give us and if there are holes or gaps we will have to like fill in the blanks ourselves and we can't always fill them in correctly so we do really encourage that you you know write it down read it over practice time it out but then also just think about okay what things could i be missing here and if it's way under three minutes i have more of those details back because we want to take your word for some of the stuff but we got to know

that we got to know the history so yeah and then if you want to send us a write-in keep that under 300 words international listeners you can send us a audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and for write-ins you can send us 300 words or less describing what's going on so you know write it down how you would read it out loud and you can send that to meganpodcast.gmail.com as well or you can shoot us a dm over on instagram and we will read that aloud as well and we also have a patreon so you can support the show if that is something that you are financially inclined to do it is the range of what you can support you i mean you can you can support with as much money as you would like but we start like our cheapest here is a dollar a month and we have different

things we offer at that so you can watch the video versions of the podcast but we also do live streams twice a month and we have video versions of this podcast as well as the podcast we upload on thursdays but am i wrong so you can see how gorgeous and wonderful we look and our facial expressions which are um priceless but also the live streams are really fun and it is the only social interaction i have i actually zero social interaction aside from this podcast usually and this podcast includes melissa and i social interaction our social interaction while recording the podcast and then these live streams they're really fun and we get along really well with everybody and it's just like a wonderful time and if you are watching on patreon today

you see that we are separated because i was out and about this weekend and you can hear more about it tomorrow on see you next tuesday i for one can't wait we're going to take a break and then we come back we're going to get into our first call now we're back from our break and we're going to get to our first and only call of the episode everybody else wrote in hi megan and melissa i'm a long-time listener and a first-time caller. I'm 29 years old, use she, her pronouns, and I'm from the U.S. I currently live in the same area I grew up in, about 15 minutes from my hometown, a pretty conservative place that I've never felt was a true fit. I'm very lucky to have found a

job here pretty quickly after graduating college. I'm a teacher and I've been working in my district for the seven years since starting. I live close to my family and along the way I've met amazing friends and colleagues and have built up a community here. However, despite having some wonderful people around me, I've always felt something was missing by living here. I've lived in this area forever other than college and haven't experienced much else. I've been unhappy here for a long time. The conditions in my current job are not helping. Neither is the dating scene. I'm single and I've had a lot of trouble finding guys I click with here and the clientele in this area. All of it has really exacerbated how deflated and truly stifled I feel living here.

I'm a dual citizen of another country in the EU, and this summer spent some time traveling to different cities in Europe. I've dreamt about living abroad my whole life, but it's always just been a matter of finding a place I felt could be my home. I have lots of family scattered around different European countries and have luckily spent some time over there with them. But after exploring this summer, I found a city that gave me a feeling that I haven't been able to shake since. After spending some time there, I felt in my gut I needed to live there. The people, the experience, the views, and the energy of the city just really hit different. I already met some friends there, went on a bumble date that was really fun, and started making some connections.

I got so many signs that this could be the place for me, even meeting a couple who was originally from my area who recently moved there and were so happy in their new city and the decision they made. Because I have EU citizenship, I know that this can help me get started if I do choose to move there. What I'm struggling with most is the guilt I feel for leaving my friends and family here, for leaving my job and my students, and how hard it's going to be to up and move abroad by myself and say goodbye.

I understand the transition will be difficult, but I'm so ready to continue to put myself out there and try new experiences that I really just feel like I'm not getting here. I keep going back and forth in my brain of what is the right call for me, and this is probably the most selfish thing I can do right now. The thought of leaving is scary, but the thought of staying and feeling stuck is just as scary if not more. I feel like I would regret it if I didn't give this a try, but I worry about upsetting and disappointing my loved ones and anyone who depends on me. I think my question is, do I trust my gut? How can I make the right decision for myself? How can I get past the guilt

I feel for disappointing people close to me? I would appreciate any and all advice from you guys and anyone out there who maybe has struggled with a similar experience. Thank you both so much for all you do for this community. I love this podcast and love and admire you both. Have a great day. thank you off the record will you tell us what city it is because like i'm just curious i want to i want to visit there just for fun i'm not going to move there and like follow you and be creepy but like it just sounds lovely you're a creep i am sue me don't sue me people's already people not singular multiples anyways what are your thoughts i think it's okay to be selfish to give people a little background you are the only child who has flown the coop in a plain

sense right yes i left at the tender age of i don't even remember how old i was however i old i was 12 years ago and i was the only one to leave but like my sisters had plans of leaving and they just never did so and we also moved around a lot as a kid so i understand them like wanting the stability for their children because we were always out and about but i told my family i was leaving no one believed me until i was packing up the car well my mom kind of believed me because she was like i'm coming with you to drive across the country um and then we took melanie and my niece who was like she's five four going on four she was four of going to be five packed up the car and we were off yeah i left and it was the best thing for me it's still the

best thing for me to be where i am right now and you know i wasn't i didn't i didn't see it as like being selfish i saw it as doing what's best for me and i think sometimes you just have to put yourself first and yeah it's going to be scary it's a new place but you've visited before you you love it and you're going to be out there make meet new people and I do want to say like I don't want you to feel like once you get there then you're back in the same position that you were in like the same right you've got to like actually go and do things because you can just easily end up in the same position like sometimes the location doesn't change the circumstances of your feelings it's just at first it's like that new thing and then you just settle back into your

old routines and same old same old again and i can get even here like i get in those routines sometimes where i'm just like there's nothing new but like i force myself to get out and go places and especially this year i am traveling more than i have before and like just going to different events and stuff and uh yeah you can you can you can i do believe you can enjoy yourself anywhere but sometimes you just need a change in scenery and a change in location and just something to kind of kick you in the butt to get it going yeah I agree with all of that and I think like your worry and fear of like letting people down and disappointing them I don't know how like candid you've been with the people in your life about like your feelings towards the town you're

in I have no issue with people having different experiences than me in like the same circle like in the same town or whatever like there are lots of people who like really hate LA there are people who hate where I grew up like there are those things and like those are all valid but if I had a friend or someone who was close to me who was like you know like miserable and like they went to this place and they're like I love it and like I felt so much happier I would feel disappointed in myself if I urged them to stay even knowing that they weren't happy or knowing that they were sacrificing their own happiness for other people like for me if i know that someone's doing that like i want everyone to be the happiest versions of themselves if you are trying if you're

sacrificing any of that for me like that's not happiness to me like that that's not i can then not feel happiness in in that sense because you feel responsible so i think if you've been honest with people and it's a transition and it can be like you know scary and sometimes it can be hard to decipher people who want to make sure that you know that they will miss you without saying things to make you feel like you shouldn't leave like it is a hard line to like how people should respond to that because some people can think if they only come with an excitement that it feels like oh you don't even really care that I'm like leaving so I think giving people some kind of like grace with that and it can be a transition and hard but doesn't have to be forever and it also

doesn't have to be like permanent and if I had a friend to like move somewhere really cool I would be like I'm gonna come visit you like that's gonna be amazing like that's gonna be so fun even Lily moved just a couple hours away and it's like great that's good for you and she's like come visit and it's like yeah exactly and so like that stuff's like that stuff's fun and nice and it's hard when it feels like you're the only one or like you're the first one and I didn't have like the same like experience as that like I but I dropped out of college and you know wasn't really like going back home and that became that was hard and then all of my other friends did that and then it was like oh okay cool and so it can feel like especially if you're in a place where

everyone kind of stays put and they've all done that it might not you might be the first and you might be the only but that is not a on you situation like it's just a byproduct of some places and some towns and you're in a really lucky situation where you actually don't know other people who have chosen to stay where they are stay in your same small town like have been there from the beginning sometimes people don't have the option otherwise and so if they had your circumstance they they I think a lot of people would fully jump on that so I would make sure that you know that people can be their responses can come from a place of like not knowing how to express that they'll miss you but also from a place of like you know jealousy and like wishing

that that could be them and that is not your problem to like coddle that that's something that they need to process on their own but people are allowed to miss you and you're allowed to say i will miss you too and then if they guilt you while you're there you're allowed to like not answer the phone all the time like those people's feelings about what you choose to do with your life that's not your responsibility that's theirs to process on their own and as for like a teacher student thing you know the there's a lot of unnecessary uh strain that our government puts on teachers in the sense of like having them be parents having them raise kids having them teach everything having them put their lives on the like like spend money on their own money on school

supplies and doing all these things and stressing the importance of that and teachers are incredibly important to children but I didn't I didn't have a lot of great teachers and I'm fine and if I had wonderful teachers who you know whether they had kids or they moved or they and they left and I was sad but I'm okay and I was okay after that and I know I had the teachers who I was very close to which was like my elementary school ones the ones who like I had good relationships with when they left at different time periods to have kids and one left like travel I just remember thinking specifically one teacher I just remember thinking like wow that's so cool I can't wait to like be an adult and do that and i remember like she came back like a couple years later and was either

substitute teaching and i saw her in our town and i was just like oh my god like i remembered that like i remembered how cool that was to watch someone as an adult and like there's that joke that like kids are surprised that their teachers don't sleep under their desks i didn't really have that as much like it was my teacher had like and it was because i grew up in a very affluent area and that's they could be teachers because they came from money but knowing that they could like go and do those kinds of things and even though the lives that they had before they were teachers like as a student that made me see them more not just as teachers but like role models and people i wanted to be like and like have lives i wanted to live as an adult like i thought was like so

cool i had a teacher who went to europe to be a ballerina and i thought that was like amazing and just so so cool so you know you're doing this for you to be happy and like i think that's something that professionally and socially is like something that i value and friends and i find inspiring and like friends with people who are like putting their happiness first i'm like yeah i should do that like that's amazing and good for you good for you and you can always come back if you don't like it or go somewhere else you can travel there's so many different places in europe if you've got dual citizenship too i know i looked into how i could become a irish citizen because it's you know if you have how many whatever it is everybody is dead

and my dad doesn't have the greatest memories i don't know that i could even figure out if i could but i looked into it at one point because i was like how cool would that be all right next one is a write-in i'm she her 24 having a hard time with my friend sophie she her 24 we've been friends for 12 years but our friendship has been an on and off for the last four she recently came back into my life after not having spoken for a year she's in a five-year relationship that i believe is incredibly toxic sophie has come to me a lot asking for advice because she wants to break up with her boyfriend she still gets back with him after i give her advice this happened again recently since she's having second thoughts on moving in with him

next month. I told her to leave him if that's what she feels. But the next morning I got a text from her saying everything's good. And she realized that she was still in love with him. I told her I'm happy if she's happy, but I'm not 100 percent sold on their relationship. She got pissed with me and said I was a bad friend since she can't come to me with her problems. I'm not sure what to do. I want to be a good friend of Sophie, but I don't want to enable her to stay in a toxic relationship any advice would be appreciated so this is hard okay so she's saying that like you've been honest and what we say in these situations is you can be honest one time when they ask and then you have to just disengage because you've said your piece and like people

don't forget that so like if you say like i don't really think this is great i think this is like pretty toxic they don't forget that you've said that but then she's saying that she feels like she can't come to you with her problems i my next suggestion would be like you know i've telling her like i've expressed how i feel about him and i don't think this relationship is like great for you like i think this is pretty toxic and i've expressed that but i still want to maintain a friendship so like i just like don't want to participate in this kind of stuff and like i say this like with love like if something changes and you need me like i'm always going to be there to like help with this but i just think that we should keep these you i shouldn't be the person

you come to with this kind of stuff because i don't think i'm giving i'm gonna be giving you the answers that you want to hear and i want to be truthful with you and like it's either that and you stand your ground and then she's like okay well i don't want to be friends with you right now or you just listen and you don't offer insight but that's also hard yeah it's like are you coming for me to me for advice are you coming just because you want a sounding board i'm also like tripping up on the part where she's like i've realized i'm still in love with him that i or what is she saying she said i realize i'm still in love with him that i'm still in love with him but like y'all are moving in together was there a moment where you were like i'm not in love with

him what was that yeah let's circle back to that yeah please like i need more information on what was going on there like what made her think that she was in love with him even though they're moving in together next month and you're just like leave him and she was like yeah that's what i'm gonna do but then she talks to him and she's like no i'm still in love with him and then text you and it's like everything's cool we're fine i'm in love with him what i think she doesn't have emotional maturity and he is being toxic or manipulating her into these feelings that she doesn't actually feel and so like if you still want to be her friend I think you just gotta listen to it and not give advice and if you are ready for this friendship to end then this is where it ends

because she doesn't actually want a friend she just wants someone because it's a relationship a friendship is still a relationship and it should still be two-way but if she just wants somebody to listen to her problems and that's it without having an opinion get on reddit actually red it's more opinionated write in a journal and a diary and then put your feelings away lock it up give a little kiss and put it back on your phone yeah no i i agree with that and i mean you said that your friendship has been on and off the last four years and this is a five-year-long relationship that she's been in so like it's pretty easy to tell that that's been probably a lot of the cause of the friendship strife between you two and if it's not even doesn't

feel necessarily directly related it it probably is like i've had people who like have gotten into relationships where i'm like i don't particularly care for your relationship but i also like in the kindest way possible like i just don't really give a shit like i don't really care who your date like if you're happy i'm happy like it does not affect me until then suddenly it's like oh no you're actually like a really shitty friend when you're in a relationship like and some people are like that and like it sucks and i experienced it in high school and then again as an adult and i was like oh shit what like okay so some people like seek chaos in their lives because that's what they're used to maybe that's a relationship that was mirrored at home and

that's what was shown as like caring and love and sometimes people also asking other people for help is it's the way that they can ask their friends, like, do you care about me? But they feel weird asking, do you care about me? And so then they bring up a lot of problems that they're having and then they ask for help with that and solving that. And that makes them feel loved and taken care of. And it's not sustainable because the effort it takes to try and problem solve is far more than like listening to that. And it's far more than just expressing how much you care about someone and it obviously puts a strain on everything so i personally think that you either let her learn the lesson on her own because you can't prevent it and you just you don't say

anything or you ask to be removed from the narrative or you know you take a step back from the the friendship if if it's not serving you because you also don't owe her that if you're not getting anything in return like you said it's a it's a relationship it needs to be beneficial to both parties sounds like it's been on and off for four years can't be that good of a friendship yeah and also like i don't think friends can enable someone to stay in a toxic relation like the only way that you're doing that is being like hey i think you should stay in this relationship it's not toxic but like being friends with someone who's in a toxic relationship i think the same way whether it's like uh abusive relationship emotional abusive like being friends with

somebody who's going through a really hard time doesn't enable them to stay in that hard time like the same thing with people who are struggling with like active drug use like that is not loving you while you're going through it is not encouraging you to to go through it it's like telling you that like you're worthy of love and i care about you regardless of like the circumstance that you are in and whatever role you're playing in that circumstance but in these cases like you know it you get stuck in a cycle and so i don't think that that is enabling her and i think not saying anything is also not enabling her like you've you've said your piece she'll never forget that you've said your piece but you don't need to waste the time and the energy trying to convince

her of something that like she has to see on her own and make that choice on her own yeah but that's a hard position to be in it does feel like a rite of passage at this point though you know like everybody has to go through it yeah like you go through like at some point you are the one in the toxic relationship where your friends are like ah and then at another point you are the friend with the friend in the toxic relationship and you're like oh and then hopefully we get out of it and the thing is like in retrospect they'll be like why didn't you tell me and it was like which i did everybody's been telling you you just didn't want to you you were told that you just didn't want to listen you heard it you listened but you didn't hear it exactly well

best of luck and here's to hoping that uh sophie gets out of that yeah do you read the next one okay i love listening to your podcast at work i'm a 21 year old female and i have a super complicated relationship with my mom wow it sucks i like so can't relate i was what some people would call a bad kid i had a boyfriend when i wasn't allowed to have one i smoked and i drank but i think it was how i self-medicated and asked for help because i was abused both mentally and physically when i was a kid i frequently ran away from home and when i was 18 i thought i was gone for good i left with nothing and thought i was done with my mom but my other family members guilted me into reconciling with her i know i need to go to therapy but i can't afford it right now

but do you think i should go non-con no contact with all my family even though i love them mostly i don't feel safe when i'm around my mom also if i do how should i go about doing it i'm a huge fan of two things tattoo them on my lower back divorce and no contact like those are like i fucking ride for both of those things so fucking hard and this is like a it's gonna be a personal preference uh i will always recommend people to in raised by narcissists the subreddit is like very helpful as well as like i think it's just like a nurse just the narcissist one or like children there's specific ones about children of because a lot of like the dialogue for narcissists and abusive relationships and poor relationships are done in the context of romantic partnerships not

necessarily parent child so finding those things to see all of that stuff is like really helpful and what is widely accepted as like the most effective thing is no contact and the process of no contact is hard and it's not usually sudden instant nor uh all-encompassing with everybody that you need to go no contact with and like i had to you know i i very much thought that like i had already done what i need to do and like it's a hard choice to make and it's it's the last option like nobody picks that as the first thing to do it becomes the only last possible thing and then for me like years and years later it was like oh shit i actually have to do this again and like i have to do this with other people and things and it can be because you learn new

information it can be because relationships change or it can be that like once you've gone no contact with someone for a while like for a long time and you start forming other relationships in a life without them and like a life completely separate from them you start holding other all of your other relationships to a higher standard and higher expectation and you can realize that you know maybe these other family members were in your life uh the earlier point when you had cut her out they they were by they were not nearly the most toxic people in your life at all and now when you've eliminated the shit and you then realize like oh i guess when it's like compared to the worst of the worst they weren't that bad but now when everything i've got all

these other great relationships these ones are not they're not good and that's okay that and it doesn't mean that like oh you fucked up and you should have done that sooner like it's a process and it's a journey and people show their their true colors and their attentions over time but i'm a big believer in anybody who i don't even necessarily know that people need to know what went down exactly. But like if I met someone and they said they like, oh, yeah, I'm no contact with my family, even without my own personal connection to that, why would I assume that someone did that and chose that for any other reason than it's like, oh, the circumstance is so bad, that's what you had to do. So I think anyone kind of questioning that and encouraging

reconciliation is at best coming from a place of like total ignorance. But in the case where they know it's like they're invalidating everything that you went through and i know you can love people and those people cannot be good for you at the current time and that also doesn't mean that like they won't change and they won't grow and their encouragement of reconciliation might be coming from a place of like they have a lot of really like shitty relationships in their life and they've gotten really used to accepting that and watching you not accept that behavior it's hard for them and so it makes them have to reflect on their own choices and then years down the road they might make those better choices for themselves and you know reach out and tell like

realize that that was not good on them but going no contact with family is a lot of people are uncomfortable with that like a lot of people are really uncomfortable with that a lot of people also think that all family toxicity and all families are the same and even if you like feel like you know it or you feel like you saw enough of it i think if if someone goes no contact like you have to assume the worst like it's just people don't do that for no reason people don't want to have poor relationships with the people who brought them into the world like they just like they don't and so anyone trying to get you to reconcile is doing it from a place of i i i think projecting and not from a place of like your best interest at heart and it and it sucks and it sucks

because it feels like you know you don't want to lose all of your family but family is like it's it's a it's we're not talking about like the science sense like it's an the concept of family that you i assume and i can also be projecting like that you want is not what the results of a blood test are it's a relationship and if you're not having that relationship you're not really losing anything there you're cutting the the dead weight it sucks though so i would say like how do you go about doing it depends on the person it depends on i think their proximity to the situation their closeness to the situation because you said you don't feel safe when you're around your mom and so and this again from personal experience that like people who have

more of the ability whether that's like financial emotional or whatever to be used to cause more harm to you that make you feel less safe those people i my belief system is i block do not respond no contact on absolutely anything um and then for people who it's kind of like they're the shrapnel it's like the exit it's coming from a more emotional place but it's not necessarily people who you think have the uh or even have like the means to be manipulated to put you in an unsafe situation those ones like i like you know having conversations with them and just like letting them know and like just laying it all out and like your feelings and like what you needed to do what you need to do for you and just being truthful and not not trying to like sugarcoat it

or like blanket it but then after that it's like whether it's muting them or blocking them you can have it be a trial period you can have it be like a permanent sort of thing but it's not a conversation it's like a statement so there's no response making sure that you don't have any questions in what you're saying and you're just letting them know what's happening but also if that seems like emotionally taxing you just also don't have to do that like I'm a big runaway for my problems kind of person or like I'm ignore my problems kind of person but I think time and space away even without a conversation can offer you clarity to know if that's the right choice you also want to make so I don't think that's ignoring a problem because if

i can actually successfully ignore a problem by not being in contact with someone that's not me ignoring the problem that's being like oh the contact was making a problem that was there so but i feel for you and i'm very sorry and i just want to say that like you are not a bad kid and like there are no bad kids and you are not a bad kid and yeah and i want you to stay safe you weren't a bad kid you were someone who was doing the best they could with the situation they were given yeah and you weren't you didn't have any guidance in what was happening in your life the person that is supposed to be there to protect you and be like you're like their number one responsibility failed you and that's not on you at all and then i don't megan took everything away

because she has experience with this and I don't, but, but as I have said now a few times, I've been reading, listening to Mariah Carey's book and she refers to her family members that she is no contact with as her exes. So she calls her mom, her ex mom and her brother and sister, her ex-brother and sister and she said that when she shifted to that mindset it helped a lot of things for her that's iconic that's smart yeah that's very that's really interesting and she does she does juggle with like does she actually want a relationship with her mom or not like this is something that she's still dealing with all the time that she's like i like ideally i want a relationship with her but that's only in the ideal sense but you know she still has other

family members that's just all to say like you know also framing it in a way can help yeah it's it's a mindset shift and it's i will say like in the like recent of me like talking about and even talk about like very vague terms like my like situation i've been dealing with for last couple months I've had people in my real life reach out who know like knew some of my situation because like we grew up together or like knew like my situation but like has not been up with like the last couple years who was like just wanted to like give you a heads up like I'm dealing with this too and like you know I I've had a hard time like finding a social circle or people who like understand it's like it's very hard and I was like fuck like these are people

that I know personally who have felt like the same way that like where you feel this kind of like pressure in this and we didn't know I didn't know that they were going through that at that moment they didn't know that I was going through that at that moment so finding that sense of community and like I recommend Reddit all the time but like finding a sense of community of people who've gone through this is so important because other people cannot understand and there's a really big difference between like a a toxic relationship and a tumultuous relationship or relationship that was toxic that can have toxic tendencies and people who are or individuals who are toxic who are working on themselves versus like an abusive relationship and so this is like

one of the very like this is one of the few things that i would advise um unless you know the person really really well that i would not open up to this with people who have the ability to invalidate you and hurt you so like very close like that can be hard and like you breadcrumb it you know you breadcrumb it and then you don't necessarily have to feel comfortable telling someone like you know all of the shit that has happened and then fix well like took months after a while i was finally like okay so you need to be done we need you need to be done with some of these and like that's something that it's like you need to be careful with who you let have a voice in all of this and like a good friend like a someone who like really cares about you and like listens

will listen for a long time before they say anything and they'll say what you want they'll agree with what you want to do and they'll tell like that but they're not be like no I think you should stay this this this or this but yeah it's really it's really really hard and you can love people and they can still not be good for you and like you can love people and they can also not know how to love you which is a very hard thing to hear so i'm sorry for that but your safety should be the number one priority and anyone who also doesn't take that seriously means that they just don't understand. And then they are no longer safe people. Wow. It's crazy. I have zero experience with any of that. I have no idea who you're talking about in any of those

situations. Absolutely none. All right. We're going to take a break. and we're back all right next one i'm ready to ask advice about my sister's relationship she's 19 years old and has been in a relationship with her best friend taylor who is 17 for about four months my family and i are concerned about the relationship because it seems toxic theme of the episode first of all I would never date a 17 year old when I'm 19 the age gap is just too big I think it's important to be with someone who is at a similar stage in life secondly my sister and Taylor haven't told the other two girls in their friendship group about their relationship they're still hanging out with them like nothing is happening which I think is

dishonest finally my sister seems to be obsessed with Taylor she's dropped all of her hobbies and canceled a trip she was excited about because Taylor couldn't go with her. To me, this is not healthy behavior. I've tried to convey my thoughts to my sister, but she just accused me of being homophobic. She says that I don't understand her love. I'm not homophobic. I'm bi, by the way. But I do think this relationship is unhealthy. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to push my sister away, but I also don't want to enable this toxic relationship. Any advice would be much appreciate it yes we should repeat the same sentence you cannot enable a toxic relationship no um yeah that age gap is concerning when you have someone who is legally adult and the other

person isn't how did they meet they might have been i don't know four months so like did they that's what i was gonna say were they friends before it seems like they since they're in the same friend group if they were friends before because like that that makes sense to me like yeah or they work together and it's uh-huh that's like yeah because otherwise i'm like how did you even meet a 17 year old at 19 but yeah you're probably right yeah it could have been 18 and 16 whatever doesn't matter the point is your sister seems to be angry a lot a lot of things like and then projecting those thoughts like calling you homophobic but you're by yourself and then saying you don't understand her love which is just odd like it's not just like the relationship

is toxic but your sister might also be toxic too from the information that was presented here question for you so when i see this um like the not telling the friends that you're together like to me that's not toxic that's not toxic whatever um but none of this is toxic to me this is dramatic like it's very that's true call it yeah that's true it's not toxic it's dramatic but i think that her behavior towards you might yeah but i also like i don't know that this is a really like like you said like i don't know this is a relationship issue if it's your it might be your sister issue sister issue yeah i don't know that this relationship is like bad for her i also am like not cool with that age gap like it's just like weird i am curious what they have in common

because assumedly like they either work together or they know each other from school if it's school it's a little i think that's different yeah but i also think that like depending on where you're located there is i mean age gaps happen in heterosexual relationships all the time but like they also happen in same-sex relationships a ton but a lot of that can also come from yes predatory but also like i know some people who like when they were in their hometown there's like two other out people and so it becomes like you know there there's it's not as there's a lot of closeness that you have there with people who like you're not constantly surrounded by your peers in the sense of like that community as well but they've got two people in the same household so it might

not no i know so i'm like you know i mean statistically no matter where you are in the town like that's going to be what you're going to be sampling with but i'm talking about out and all that stuff so like whatever that is like i think that like in the scheme of the age gaps i think that like you know if they went to school together it makes a little bit more sense like i don't think that that's like the biggest red flag um yeah mostly because like it's not an indic like you haven't indicated any issues with the relationship and like an age gap is an issue because it creates a healthy balance and dynamic in said relationship but this just sounds like your sister is intense and like a little dramatic and maybe like a little over the top and i don't

know how old you are like if this is your older sister or your younger sister but um being obsessed with someone that you're dating four months in i don't know how if they were friends before like that's very normal and yeah but the the hobby thing and canceling a trip because she couldn't go that's no that's i think that's a healthy thing for her to do but like being obsessed but like if this is your first relationship like you know i remember like being a kid and like having like a crush on someone and then like you know you're going to like visit your grandma and you're like i don't even want to go anymore because like i can't be like i want to be able to like text that like there's stuff that's just like it's like there's like a heightened sense of like

emotions and things that happen yes when you're 16 but also when you're in like your first relationship it can be your first love it can be like there's a lot of times that like we can enter into those phases that we look back on years later and we go oh my god that was a lot and that was like really embarrassing and i shouldn't have done that but the viewpoint of the relationship being toxic i i wouldn't the right now it looks like your sister's like she's becoming so infatuated she's losing herself in this and i think that's the issue not the relationship and to that i would like you know encourage her to like maybe like there's a hobby that she used to like really love doing that you like doing and like be like hey like i would love if we could go to like the

craft store this weekend and like i thought maybe we could do this together or something like that like encouraging that like sense of independence that sense of self and like fostering a relationship like with you and her i think is a great call but you know other than that i think you keep an eye out for if she's displaying unhealthy behaviors towards her partner in the relationship versus like an unhealthy like time balance kind of a thing but at that point like there's not much you can say or do but just encouraging the encouraging good behavior and like in the sense of like let's go do this and then they go my gosh like i love that like it's so fun oh you went to go do this thing like cool that's great but you're not her parent and she's also 19 so there's not

much there to like say or do but this just sounds like your dramatic first love but again you didn't say anything about the relationship yeah it sounds like somebody specifically no but i won't i won't share sounds like a good amount of people that's it for episode we hope you all enjoyed this episode if you did leave it a review we appreciate that so much you can leave a review for the episode specifically on spotify or you can head on over to the other podcast apps and leave a review for the show as a whole which we love so so much as always you can support the show on patreon as well as following us on our socials and stay tuned for the rest of the content slate we have for you this quick that's it we hope you all enjoyed and we will

share next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions post-production sound and editing by coco lorenz production assistance by melanie d watson and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter