Don't Blame Me! - Sex Clubbing

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Realistic timeline for titles Communicating with your cousins after their divorce Exploring your kinky side Dating a racist And then run down the state of Don't Blame Me Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello hello hello hello welcome to another episode of don't blame me my name is Meg and my name is Melissa welcome to one of our many podcasts this podcast is this is how we start the week we do happy Monday Monday fun day are you having a fun day Monday is it Hyundai because that's all but or is it hyundai i don't know if it's hyundai hyundai or hyundai i've heard hyundai too when i say every way i say it i feel like i sound like schmidt from new girl like because none of them sound right to me they all just sound like something schmidt would say which is a good thing and a bad thing you know reminds me cammy got a porsche this week she was saying porsche and people are like it's porsche and she's like i'm gonna say however i want to say it because

i can afford it it was just so like just the way she delivered it i was like and i i can't dispute that with you i can't argue with your dollars exactly and also i have to say we should just call it porsche like it does everyone refers to it as a porsche except for the people like no no it's a porsche and it's like why don't we just first of all porsche sounds i think cooler i do not like when there's things i don't like specifically i do not like cars usually and things that like men typically fan over with like names that women names i don't like it's like when people like name their ship like uh this is the lady yeah come in yeah and it's just like don't talk about her like that yeah and when they talk about like oh look at my porsche is so sexy i'm

like don't talk about her like that i talk about my car like that though no but you're allowed because I have different expectations that's fine it's very fine yeah I have opinions on a lot of things with pronunciations based on where you live how we where the company was founded saying Nike saying Nike but you go over to the UK and they're like Nike it's like no that's not how you say it but yeah if that's how they want to say it over there they can keep it over there and I think that there's certain things that like when i hear a name in a british accent i'm like you know what we should be able to name people in america without british accents but i would like the british pronunciation okay you know i mean like there's one guy on love island who was eliminated

his name is montel but it's montel and i go i would like to in america that is it's just so to the ears when they're calling him it is i thought you were going to give me a jeffrey joffrey type thing that i actually am a hard pass on joffrey like i no no no no no but montel and it's also specifically there's a couple people in there who are like different british accents now there's a the one that it was leah the girl he was coupled up with i go this it needs to be the universal pronunciation of it it's i don't know what it is it's some 80 it's just it tickles my brain in the best way possible oh it's chef's kiss i fucking love it and there's also someone the name tells but they would go toes like toes and i'm like i love it was it short for something

well you would say america tells but it's like terry it was a nickname of terry okay tells but like tells like tears tells how do you spell it t-a-l-e-l-l-s okay and then but you think like now if you said like oh that's tells you're like what but tells both of them i'm still like what there's something about it i guess we should explain what the show is um this is a show where we give wonderful amazing life-changing advice you might be wondering how are you people who are so entertaining so gorgeous so hot also so good at giving advice and to that i say people can do hard things not everybody but we can i love doing hard things okay don't make it sexual because it's my nephew all the time when like something's difficult like we can do hard

things and he said it back to me once and i was like i'm gonna cry like this is so kind um but sometimes you can't do hard things but here we're doing the hard things not the soft things keep going megan see now i made it uh-huh uh we're gonna give you advice you can call in we will answer those voicemails if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us voicemail 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at megan podcast at gmail.com we discussed in the last episode some ideas we had for the future of the show and i made an ominous post on instagram someone said they thought we were breaking up well that was my goal i was trying to click break them okay cool cool cool cool some co-co-cool people are in

favor of themed episodes love it to the people that tagged people that they want on the show don't do that that's really embarrassing for us because it's not just embarrassing but i don't think it's embarrassing what i think is it might be very embarrassing for them if we don't ask them to be on the show it goes one of two ways either we want them to be on the show and they like just ignore it and then it goes wow they're not even cool they can't even get these people to respond or those people do respond and we're like oh they're waiting for our email and it's not coming yeah so don't don't tag people just damn it don't but i mean i saw i saw some people tag lily and as of today i i like all the people people have tagged but um that is in past times

that has not been the case like as of now as the day we're recording this everyone who people have tagged i'm like valid fair but good call but let's just not it's cool for future you can dm it to us or you can just write their names a lot of people are in favor of the gut of doing gossip somebody suggested wedding drama which i think it's good i think it's good too because i was even thinking about specific themed episodes if we can get somewhat more niche like bachelorette parties birthdays those things it sparks a memory where it's like oh i do have something about that like i would say like put me in a box and then i can be more creative there but somebody said m&m jbu crossover they've both already been on the show but who i don't know not people that i

talk on their podcast too relationship crossover we've had cammy on before so of course and we talk about her yeah it's not how to spell her name but we do talk about her pretty much every episode anyway would honestly like more calls we can't get more calls if there aren't people calling it yeah but i think yeah i think doing specific themed episodes and broadening the range of it doesn't have to be a current dilemma i think will give more call because right now it's like people are it's what they're actively going through something in the moment and then they think about calling into the podcast and there's some stuff that if it wasn't if i wasn't the host of the podcast i would call into the podcast and be like here's what's going on in my life

what should i do why don't you call and then use a fake name and then you have to give yourself advice because then you have to think about what you're doing we both know but because we've talked about this on and off mic that i know the advice i would give myself but i'm just choosing to pretend i don't know her and i'm like what do you mean the advice have who am i me who no i don't know i'm just i'm just avoiding everything it's a really like it's worth here's the issue you're not avoiding you're not there's some things that you have actively said no leave me alone uh-huh but there's still even aspects of that that i've just ignored yeah but you also told them no no yeah yeah don't talk to me yeah yeah yeah i needed some space but it just one of those things it's a

very unfortunate when you're someone who just is like i'm gonna ignore my problem i'm just going to like pretend those don't exist that it only works for so long you should i was googling the other day which i felt so silly and so stupid until i it automatically filled in when and i was like oh cool i'm not the only person who googled it i was like how to feel your feelings and here i am reading psychology blogs of like what the fuck am i supposed to do what do you mean you're asking the wrong person yeah well i'm going to embark on that journey uh eventually anyways watch us on patreon because today we're matching unintentionally are your shorts from abracadabra yeah of course they are mine are too but mine are hoochie mama shorts well that's

because when you wear a hoochie mama short that ass jiggles out the bottom well it doesn't then give you essentially act like visual access to your hole because for me my ass is so when you give a little bit of the gaping there then suddenly there's a legitimate breeze and i am my asshole is exposed like there's just not there's not stuff to fill we're gonna send this clip to ever crumpy so that they can sponsor us yeah two different bodies two different you have on longer shorts than I do, but they're both Abercrombie and I like mine. I don't

really wear these out. I have to gauge where I'm going to wear them because the tension that are... Did you wear those in Dominican Republic? I took them. I don't think I wore them. As soon as you got there, you were like, they can't handle the shorts here.

Yeah, I don't think I wore them. Because I would wear them on a tropical hot fun vacation with a bikini. Yes, I was going to say, if I was going to bikini I didn't really go to the beach that much well you had plans you were yeah I had stuff to do and race and I took a picture on the beach but I thought that and the wedding was on the beach but other than those two things I was not at the beach a beach vacation but not so much beachin I want to go on a beach we live near beaches yeah that's why it wasn't that exciting for me

because i'm like i can go to a beach of any day well that's how i feel about like i was gonna apologize to florida but i have no need florida beaches i have a whole that's my oh my god amazing cool well i will keep it to myself until later this week so uh that being said make sure you are subscribed to this podcast feed because this is not the only podcast you get a week we have lots of other ones and we're wonderful funny and hilarious so and thank you for everyone that called in this week we appreciate it and we're also like still we're like you know gonna continue exploring of like how we're going to like restructure and format the show so your opportunity to like suggest something or like say anything like it's not gone to like continue you can comment

but you can also still slide into our dms you know yep and also if there's any like topic that you want an expert on for let us know too any experts you would have on i want to say this in like the okay i'm gonna say i'm saying in the least shady way possible but it's actually the most shady way possible um we're not gonna have on the experts who have like done the podcast rounds like we're just not interested in that and as someone who like consumes a lot of podcasts i'm not interested in being we're not a press outlet like we're not here for like someone to promote there they just kind of go on and regurgitate the same like responses and talking points that they do on every single podcast we would have experts on on things we're interested in you know

like we're not gonna have like an expert on like but they've also got to be cool yeah they can't be on they can't be we want them to be cool not uncool if you're a housewives of new york fan you'd get it the phone number if you want to call is 310-694-0976 international international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com both have the same requirements it is three minutes or less and we do want you to write everything down before you record so give us your age give us other people's ages because parent permission write everything down so we can only give you the best advice based on the information you give us. So give us all the relevant and important details that would affect

the advice that we give and let us know if you're sensitive. I'm sensitive. Anyway, let's take a break. And when we come back, we'll get into the calls. Yippee. we're back from our break and we're getting to the calls hi megan and melissa first time caller long-time listener i'm calling in about a new romance that's been budding for the past couple of weeks i'm about to turn 30 this week and he's turning 29 later this year i've been out of the relationship game for about six years after my last act we're both gay he's using he him pronouns and we live about 20 minutes away from each other. We've been talking for about three weeks now

and we've been on about eight dates. We are texting daily and meeting up about twice a week for dinner and like a hangout on the weekends. I've been kind of gooning, simping, gushing, and just like super mushy about this whole thing. And I'm just super excited to talk to him and see him regularly. Based on everything so far,

he's been showing me that the feeling is mutual. We had a sleepover after a date this weekend and the morning after did get a little bit awkward. Nothing happened more than cuddling, and it was a fun make-out session too, but he seemed a little distant that morning, and I started to get into my head about it. We did end up talking about it later that day, and he assured me he was in his head too, and he needs to get used to having someone stay the night again, because it's been a while for him too. He assured me that he did have a great time, he just needed time to process everything.

We do have another date planned later this week, and continued to keep adding more dates and talking about planning trips in the future and what the future could possibly look like. So I sent a TikTok about how he deserves a quote-unquote good boyfriend award, and he responded with, oof, not the B word yet, but we're getting close. So we've talked about exclusivity and that we're not actively dating or talking to anybody else in a romantic way. So I feel like that kind of implies the title.

Am I being a little bit of Lulu here? I guess the advice that I'm looking for is a few things. um what is a realistic timeline to have a title of a boyfriend do either of you or the listeners have any ways to help with an insecure or anxious attachment style and how to feel a little bit more secure with the beginning stages of a relationship after the awkward morning i started to second everything including myself does any of this sound like love bombing or is it just my insecurities getting the best since i do have a little bit of time left i am a cancer son leo moon and experience rising so even though i can be a mush ball of emotions i feel like i could handle the

heat he's a sagittarius still waiting to get the rest of his charge could that be a red flag for commitment issues thank you so much i love the podcast and i can't wait to hear your guys's advice i'm telling you caller watch the patreon with caution just based on my facial reactions reacting to as soon as you the boyfriend tiktok oh i said oof before they said oof gotcha Like, I mean, they went, oh, and it was like, and then he went, oh, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this is like normal. No matter how much you've dated, like you have already addressed that you have more of like an anxious attachment style. And so there's more of like that kind of giddy.

I love the word you use, gooning, like just this. See, whenever, whenever I hear gooning, I'm thinking more of a goober rough around the way. Like when, like the singer Monica, when she is ready to fight, which she is a lot, they call her Gunica. That sounds, that also sounds right. Like to me, if you, if we were British, I feel like the word you would be using is bosun. Like there's just this like, you're vibrant, you're so excited. and you know and it to me i don't know that the guy that you're seeing if he has an avoidant attachment style or he's just not more anxiously attached i for the longest time didn't even know

about sham boo jam she taught about anxious she taught about attachment styles on this told me about them on the podcast and was like look this up later and then i was like sham you read me like you got your fucking book that was amazing and that's when i discovered that like prior to like moths and I getting together but what but the beginning of us getting together too like now we've been together for a while my entire life my attachment style has been avoidant so I would have been the the guy that you're seeing like it like the someone sleeping over like that would have made me feel and it's not a rational thought like it's me I would be like this is a me problem like everything's fine and I'd be like kind of talking myself down but that can be a hard pairing if

you're an anxious attachment style because like the only reason why matz and i work from like we could work through that because i was like i pretended to be out of town when i wasn't out of town and he was like you're not out of town and i was like what like no i totally like is he's like i can see your calendar yeah he's like a very secure attachment style and knew me well and knew that it was like not personal but i think like eight weeks is really quick i i i have to remember like age differences now because there's a difference if i hear eight weeks and we're seeing each other twice a week and we're texting you're in your 30s yeah like we're texting every day and we see each other twice a week two months that is we're we

go together like you when i heard you talking i was like yeah y'all are together yeah if i'm seeing somebody two times a week that is a commitment no that's true and when you put it in months yeah that i have a hard time with numbers eight weeks does not sound nearly as long as two months but if we didn't we see each other like multiple times like multiple times a week for the last like two months i would be like yeah boyfriend yes you're right and so i i don't think anything that you're doing is out of the ordinary i do think like you know when you first use that term boyfriend and girlfriend that is or boyfriend and boyfriend wherever terms you partner whatever terms you use that it is something that maybe should be talked about

first yeah uh there should be how there should be a conversation not just to send a tiktok because my question is even the user well i thought like it would have been implied with so much love was there a little part of you who sent that tiktok to just be like i just want to like double confirm that this is a boyfriend do you know what i mean like because that is it's a wink wink nudge nudge kind of a thing yeah and it's okay yeah it is i i think i think y'all are there there just needs to be a conversation that needs to be had i do think it's weird that he responded in that type of way but i don't know if he responded in a way of like cute oh we're not there yet or if he's like no we're not there yet because they could it can be said in a cute way i just think that like

it sounds like he has an avoidant he's leaning towards a more avoidant attachment style and that is something that like it can be a lot like inevitably like true like you act you cannot end up in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style you can end up in it's of all of them it's the one that it's like you act you can't be in a relationship if you have that because you just run away you escape you like I can't do that so yeah I think you need to have a conversation there because it's not about if he's in the thick of that and he doesn't have any desire to like get with like pursue a relationship you will end up disappointed because it has nothing to do with you and like not your behavior like you can't like

anxious him away if he's an avoidant like it's just he's avoidant yeah and i do think the morning after the first time you spend together it is awkward it's just gonna be awkward because one one of y'all were up before the other one and you don't know like do i get up do i leave you don't know if like are we having breakfast today are we not are we gonna hang out the rest of the day like there's there's this awkward song and dance two-step that goes with that so it's just it's just gonna be awkward no matter what even if y'all had already locked it down if you didn't talk about like what tomorrow's plans were gonna be it's gonna be awkward yeah and i think that like i'm someone who like i bring so much like awkward to situations and i hate being awkward

and i like hate awkwardness but like i i bring it there with me and it's an avoid it's not avoidable like it i mean it is just any new relationship friendship like anything like there will be kind of like okay i gotta gotta get get through that but eventually when you end up with someone and you've been with them for a long time you no longer have that and you look back on it and it's not necessarily even awkward it's just kind of new like you've got the training wheels on and it's not an indicator of oh this isn't going to work like there's a difference between like feeling like comfortable with somebody and you know being in their home for the first time spending the night and acting like you live there like that's far fucking weirder to me yeah

so i think this could be like really good but i would just this sounds really bad i don't i wouldn't make this about your issues i would make it about like hit like let's talk about because like i don't think you're being unreasonable no not at all and i take back what i said before because i just didn't i didn't do the math and understand that eight weeks is two months so yeah i think that like the topic at hand is the fact that like he's more avoidant with this and if you don't have patience for that like that's also very very okay you know but i think it'll be okay as long as you have a conversation but yeah i don't think anything in general i'm also a very literal person so like implied things i can like miss in in things like

i need specific instructions directions so i think especially in relationships when it's new thinking that one thing would then be as a catch-all of like oh this means something else here it's that's also awkward but like you that happens once and then you learn that you know that's gonna be cute and you sound really happy yeah i like that give us an update in a month four weeks four weeks i'm getting better oh gosh hi megan and melissa uh my situation right now is so i have a cousin who i'm really close with um and he has a wife let's just call them troy and isabella so they've been together since high school and they got married three years ago and unfortunately like literally like two weeks ago they got into a divorce and i don't know what

caused it um i don't want to know because again that's for them to know and literally all friends and family are giving them the space that they requested from everyone uh respecting that so i haven't been able to get into contact with any of them unfortunately um but they said that they will check me because i'm actually really close with my cousin and his wife isabella so i would just like hang out with them all the time and be the third wheel didn't mind it it was fun but now with this uh divorce it's like i've never been in a situation where two of my friends that dated and are now separated uh so i just want to know like what's something like what to do what not to do like any kind of stuff to be cautious about because again i've never been in this situation

where two of my friends are that dated and then no longer together especially since they were married so yeah any kind of advice um would be great thanks bye i think you probably want to keep the peace with your family more and so waiting to things kind of die out and then asking your blood related cousin what they're comfortable with what with how you proceed and then after you do that and get whatever the story is and then if they're comfortable with you reaching out then do it if they're not i would ask and be like if i keep our relationships completely separate can i still like talk to them if they're like i don't feel comfortable with that then unfortunately i think you gotta just let it yeah i had friends for like ever like growing up who were siblings

of the same age i'm trying to make it no i'm trying to be like less obvious specific in case um i think you don't even give their age no but it's in my mind it's important um just say they're twins and um one of them dated like another girl that i've like known for i've known literally her for fucking ever and the the uh the siblings and and her like they got along really well and when they broke up it was like fraught it came from her end like she was one who instigated it and it would have crushed the sibling that you know that their ex was going to remain really close friends like best friends with the the other sibling and they just did it behind into their back and it was years like when I tell you that like they would pretend to like just

ignore each other in like the hallways at school and like I would have to remember that like this is the lore we're keeping up with and after like a bunch of years it finally was like oh I know you're still friends like it's fine like I you know I don't care and it was kind of the thing that like in their mind like the hiding of it I think was a little bit of like you know they're not going to like flaunt like they're they're taking care and knowing that it's coming from like it's not also there's no one was sexually interested in in the other one wrong genitalia for that and to me like i think the fact that like they lied about it probably worked in their favor because they were very heartbroken about it but they were also a lot younger so to me

i agree where it's like you know if you have a conversation like you can say like it's really important for me to like maintain a friendship and like i'm no way would ever do anything like disrespectful like to you and i've also like let her know that like conversations about you are off limits like we have our own separate relationship and friendship and i don't want to talk about her with you i don't want to talk about you with her and like that's a boundary i'm creating and i hope that like you can trust me to uphold that and like i don't want to be in the middle of that so like if something turns that way like yeah i'm not going to be friends with her if it continues on like that and i will still always be family with you but i do think like once that it

really fucking depends on what happened and like how this ended and presume depending on how much like if they're around your age or older or like how close you in age you are with your cousin it can be kind of one of those things like i think of my nephew and my nephew will have known i'm not blood related to him but like he will know me and moss for the same amount of time it will be of equal like level in your life so depending on how long you've like known your cousin and you've also known her i think you can take what he says of the story and if i don't think it makes you a bad person if you're like i want to hear what her like side of it is too because like sometimes you can like hear what someone's saying and you're like that doesn't

especially you know them well it doesn't feel totally spot on but i this thing i would say what not to do is to make assumptions so like assumptions about what someone's comfortable with what someone's not comfortable with because some people get really offended if you they feel like you're coddling them and like you're going out of your way to like you know they just want to be included of what the what your intentions are and what your plans are and it's also okay if you end up taking the side of someone who you like actually don't really agree with like the things that they've done but that they're the one who you feel the like closer to or you feel the need to be in their life even if they were the one who caused some harm that also

doesn't make you a bad person i've i've had friendships like that where the person i remained closer with was the one who i was like well you fucked up yeah yeah you know anything else for this one no i'm done same now we're gonna take a break all right we're back from our break we're back from our break and now it is time to get to the rest of the calls. That's amazing. I knew that. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm a 29-year-old using she, her pronouns.

I came out of queer a couple years ago and realized about a year ago that I have a handful of kinks I'd like to explore. Because of COVID, I haven't gotten to explore either my queerness or the kinks, but now I feel comfortable to do so. I live in a medium-sized city and I was able to find a place

that is specifically for queer people and the kink community. There's only one place like this in the city I live in. My concern is that while I live in a medium-sized city, I work for the second largest employer here, and I'm really worried I'm going to check this place out and see someone I know or worse and friends with. Specifically, my concern is that I want to attend the sex parties they have, but have zero desire to ever see anyone I have any connection with have sex. I'm not worried about people finding out I'm queer or kinky,

so that I might see people fucking on a Thursday and then in a work meeting on Monday. Do you think I should go check it out anyways and see if someone's there that I know or just try to stay as far away from them as possible? I have no idea how many people are part of this community, so I don't know how hard it would be to do that. I want to mention that I am friends with a couple who are husband and wife. I am closer friends with a guy because we work together. And while I was checking on their cats for them while they were out of town,

I went into their bedroom. The door was already open because I couldn't find their third cat and I wanted to visually make sure they were all okay before I left. In their bedroom was a lot of sex toys, a sex swing, chivalry rope, and other kink type toys. I've never spoken to these friends about sex and have zero desire to do so. Seeing all their sex toys was initially what made me worried that I might check out this queer slash kink place and see someone I know. I want to stress that I don't care at all if people want to be queer or kinky. I just don't want to see it if I know you. So do I try and go and just avoid people if I happen to know them? Am I being immature? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you. Bye. I don't think you're being

immature. And I think that your concerns are valid. Being with the sex community, I'm not a part of it, but I know people that are part of it and they all know each other. And we live in a big city and everybody knows who's in it and everybody talks about it everybody talks and when somebody misbehaves then they goes outside the community and that's yeah how we know that's how again i wanted to also confirm melissa i also am not a part of the community and this last part that she said is why we know because they misbehaved um but otherwise it's very insular the people that are that like that are vocal about it they are vocal about it but they don't tell on anyone else that's in it they don't tell who's there they just talk about their own experience going so i will

say you probably will see people you know and there might be people that you don't realize that you know and then you see them later and like oh that's where i know you from and if you want to be part of the community, then I think that's just something you have to brace yourself for. Or you can be part of, I know sometimes they have like one-on-one sessions and maybe like get into a one-on-one session where you're not with everyone else. And if you want to explore like the kinky side and see what you're into, sometimes they have instructors that will do that and walk you through everything. And that way you can explore your kinky side. And it might be somebody that's of the same sex as you and then that way you can explore your queer side as well otherwise

i would say because of how safety works everybody will know who's there but if if you're concerned about like actually seeing someone in the act maybe going on a day where people are wearing masks eyes white shut like yeah do you wear glasses take them off i think you kind of want see things though no but when you're when you're walking through a common space yeah that's it i'm saying when i don't want to see something i don't want to see if like the house is messy and i'm like i don't have the capacity to deal with it right now i'm gonna take my glasses off when i'm getting down on the couch and i'm i don't know where that was going no i'm not wearing it first of all as someone who wore glasses in high school and you like make out your glasses fog up it is

embarrassing um i'm taking up no it wasn't it's true they literally fog up i know from personal experience i'm just imagining you doing it and then how awkward you get yeah no what's that story of my life um the good thing about me being awkward is i don't know any different so like it's hard for me to have a barometer to that but so i want to circle back and like i want to circle back circle and underline a statement you said because it's the first thing that i thought of this is you might not know these people now you will know them eventually so it is not a matter of like i don't want to like add more worry to your plate but like if you if you see a bunch of people you're like oh cool it's no one i know is here that's great that is not you're not in the

like you're not in the clear because you're going to eventually meet these people like it will there will just be a crossover there and so i think like this is kind of one of those things that this is not a place that you can necessarily dip your toe into because like this is where so like I would say the version of dipping your toe into this to be like do I like this like is this like an event or a kind of like activity that I'm enjoying participating in or that I feel like I have my footing in to go to a different city and do it for the first time like I just think that like dipping your toe in in that sense might make you feel a little bit more comfortable even just to kind of know the outline of how it goes

and to kind of just be like, okay, so this is when this, like I can maybe anticipate just to feel that there's a little bit, you have a little bit more confidence in that because I don't know what these experiences would be like, but what if you see someone there that you know and they're like,

oh, this is your first time here. You've never been here. Let me show you the ropes and all of that stuff there. literal ropes uh-huh and you're like i want to pretend i don't even see you here like i do not want to see you fornicate so i think also like maybe the idea of like seeing people that you like know hooking up is like really not your your jam but then you might go to another city and you like you don't see anyone you know and you go you know what i actually don't think i would mind that much to like see people i know there but i think like it's a lot harder to undo you can't undo that

so i would get as much experience as you can without having to affect the personal aspect first yeah i think yeah doing the 101 will help yeah so this would be a good topic sex parties we should have sexy sexy watch i'm just trying to say kelsey dara i'm sorry she's gonna love when it goes i'm trying to say her name and it just came out as sexy Kelsey Dara on because she posted do you want to come to a sex party though they're like a couple weeks ago on her public Instagram fuck VidCon come to a sex party I'll be doing I'll have a signing booth yeah this I have so much social anxiety that like I get nervous like going to weddings I could go I think the first time I would just need to adventure around I want to just go

and observe what's going on yeah and then you know if i'm comfortable then yeah maybe continue but no i i need to be a fly on the wall first like i cannot be perceived in a circumstance or situation where like i've never been before but then people are like she's somebody that likes to watch no exactly and then it goes but i don't want you to perceive me perceiving like it's just like that's and that means that it's just not for you no it's just not for me and that's fine but like i think that the fact that this is enticing to you i think that like is i would be shocked if you go and you don't have a good time because like this is something that like it's not i don't know it's not like it's not cilantro where you go i think i might like it then it goes well i tried

no no not not so much like there's a lot of like stigma and shame when it comes to sex and a lot of people like might be interested like but wouldn't but having an acknowledgement that this something you would be interested in means that you know yourself and like your comfortability and having these flags go up and go i'm not comfortable with this that is yeah dip your toe in wade before you get in there because the other part is like i would hope and if this is not a thing and people have sex parties and you have someone who you can like implement this too i don't need credit but i think there should be something along the lines of like when you go into an uber and you were like i would like a no talking ride like you should be able to say like

i'm someone who like and i know that some places they have like different rooms where what you're into is in that certain room oh okay because yeah i think that the part i would feel most uncomfortable with is if i see someone i know and i want to pretend that i don't see them but they like are like oh my gosh cool we can bond and talk about this that is i'm more uncomfortable having conversation with someone saying i'm so sorry i want to pretend that this like that's not then actually watching them have sex like do you know i mean like it's the interpersonal thing i would be so much more uncomfortable with but if i could wear a badge that just said you don't know me i don't know you and then people i know would be like you don't know me i don't know you that

would be great i don't think the badges would work because they can have sharp edges and you know like what if you anyway um next call i'm ready to party hi megan and melissa um i love your podcast I know a couple weeks ago there was one where a woman who identified as Indian called in and she was married to a white a white man and like friends were saying some racial things and I just wanted to kind of talk about my personal experience with that as an Indian woman and I actually ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because he was white and his family wanted him to be a with a white girl and a lot of the comments that his friends would say were pretty racist and I feel like as an Indian girl who's grown up around mostly white people

like what Melissa was saying it was really difficult to like navigate like what's you know like what's racist and what's not um but I kind of wanted some advice on like how to move forward after this breakup and to kind of gain my confidence back in understanding that like just because this white person had a racist family dynamic doesn't necessarily mean that like every you know every man's going to be like that and I'm having just a really tough time kind of coping and you know just building my confidence back in terms of like hey like just because this was the scenario in the situation does it mean that every person is going to be like that and I kind of want your guys's advice on like how to move forward in the dating world I guess I mean

them nowhere near there yet um but how to move forward in the dating world with like like like with like knowing that people have these biases and like how to like kind of address them and talk about them with potential next partners and if anyone has any suggestions or advice on that that'd be really wonderful because this one's kind of really hit me hard for when it's like I thought that like you know I think it was like a really obviously it was a deal breaker for me but it was just really difficult to kind of navigate like I don't know it's just really broken my confidence for moving forward when it's like how do you know that the next person if they if they have these biases or these racist ideologies like how do we navigate that you

know and like how do you talk to someone about it in your dating situation so thanks so much bye first of all I'm so sorry because that's like I cannot I don't have personal experience of that And I won't, but the feeling of like when someone dates you, there's a lot of things that you assume coming along with that and then having it feel like a level of deception, you know, that's like just very personally and extremely fucked up from someone you thought you could count on. unfortunately as a woman of color if you're dating outside of your ethnicity this is going to be the norm for anyone that you're going to date you're gonna have to if you know if they they're close to their family you need to like your ex was close to their family so their parents input on their dating life was important to them so this is something that i think like after a couple dates you just got to get out of the way like have you dated someone outside of your ethnicity before

if so how did that go what do your parents think about that blah blah and you also have to make sure you're not skirting on like get out territory too where they're too obsessed with it and too into it and it's like why are you being so weird because that's when it turns into a fetish where it's like oh we want our grandchildren to be brown or whatever and have their hair look a certain way and it's weird yeah so these are they're just questions that you have to ask and you have to be up front with about it because and you don't want to do it when you've caught too many feelings you just gotta ask it right away and i also as a white person it is not i would never feel offended if someone like straight up asked me like the people in your life racist and if they're offended

then you already know that's not the person for you yeah like there are people not in my family but like more wider things that like they i had a group thing i would be like they're not coming because that's not no like that's just that's just like a a hard pass no but that's not someone who i'm close to someone i care like any of that sort of a thing but it is a very non-offensive question to ask and if people are offended then they're the problem yeah because to me it's not even just like if you are offended by that question the it's not just that you have racist in your life it's that you're protecting them and like and that makes you racist yeah and so i obviously can't tell you like what the comfortability level that you have but nobody

should make you uncomfortable with however you're comfortable in gaining this information like it's just it's a fact it is or it is not like there's not a lot there i mean there's no nuance when it comes to it like either you're racist or you're not and if you if someone wants like split hair on it then that's a level of like willful ignorance that is not safe or an environment that like i wouldn't trust your judgment on friends then i wouldn't trust your judgment on any like on any anything if you're gonna like skirt around an issue of like well it's like you know it's it's this it's this but yeah also pay attention to the type of people that they hang out with too and see do they have like a diverse group of friends as well because that can that

can be a tell early on one time I was dating this guy and he was talking about his dad was coming into town his dad is always on dating apps and dating younger women which disgusting and I was like oh god I hope I don't like I was making a joke I don't see him on the dating app and then the guy was like well he doesn't date black women i was like automatic no right there got it all right thank you for that explicit yep i would also say kind of just like the same way when it comes to like friends and like people like i even say this with like public figures like who they're following on instagram yeah and a big kicker i think is what musical artists they're following who have maybe become popular because they're controversial like or and like what is that kind

of but even with that like if i saw somebody that for example was following a lot of like black people that were musical artists i sometimes that ventures into like oh i specific i should be specific if someone follows morgan wallen like to me if you're a recent morgan wallen follower that but it tells me everything like it's it's it's just that's what that is but yeah i also think like specifically if you're dating straight men what the breakdown of who they follow is and specifically like if they follow only fans sex workers or like instagram girls or whatever that's a good indicator as well because that's specifically like are you fetishizing a specific type of person are they catering to a specific type of person and I would do it early on because

you don't want to like fall for them and then they disappoint you later it's easier to be disappointed up front when you have you don't really have anything in the game yeah because that it can then fall into like oh this is just like an like like I'm completely turned off by you I'm not disappointed by you if you're comfortable I don't even think that's a weird first date question to ask it all like especially like if you're specifically as a white person if you're dating white guys like they can't act like feigned shocked by that question yeah for me the first date is like figuring out if they even like that person to begin with and then the second date it's like okay let's get down to yeah let's let's get down to business yeah she said that she grew

up in predominantly white area i would like reach out to like a community of like fostering friends in your area whether it's like online or in person to be able to like have conversations like this with people who can relate because i think it's great to have people who you can talk to who can like offer like empathy in an ear but it's important especially if that hasn't been your experience to feel like seen and represented in your friend group that's like very isolating it is i say that from personal experience yeah so and i'm sure there's lots especially social media like that's a way to find a lot of people and that's also a great time after a breakup to like make new friends yeah and also ask is this weird if you're not sure yeah it's

like a good barometer check and i also would keep an eye out for any of like your white friends who might feel uncomfortable by you asking these guys these questions too but you know if you're not ready to unpack that with friends at the time that's also very valid yeah there's a reason why i don't talk to most of the people i went to high school with there's only a very few i like all of your friends that i've met anyone that you've decided to like no longer be friends with i go they probably sucked because your record is 100 right now like i like everybody thanks you've got a good picker can't say this the fact that i didn't even know what i walked into i need you to watch that back in the video i like

fully looked into the camera like oh my god you're right you're right oh okay where were we we've reached the end of the show wow what a fun ride yeah it was we had our ups we had our downs we had our loopty loops we got off at some times okay

well that was it we hope you all enjoyed if you did you can leave us a review on Apple Podcasts for this podcast you can also head on to Spotify and leave a review for the specific episode if you would like like Melissa said at the beginning

of the episode you can check out our patreon we do live streams there twice a month and you can also see the video versions of the podcast and it's also a good place to engage if you have like ideas of things you should do you can also hit us up on instagram the dms and follow our socials i'm gonna get better at posting well melissa knows my game plan my game plan is i have beta blockers now i'm gonna get ac and then when the adderall shortage is done and i get like the regular adderall again good shit again uh-huh then i think i will have a fighting chance of my brain working to the small fraction it used to work before because like right now it's just it's dusty it's it's gusty and dusty it's there's tumbleweeds and i'm like riding in them like

have you ever done one of those no i've always wanted to me too they seem dirty though because you can't really clean inside of them i never thought about that we need to buy our own or like just like half the clean stuff and run through it but then we gotta hop out so the fumes don't get us no you would i think we would pass out immediately yeah no we'd have to get like a scuba mask so we've got we're getting the fresh air from the outside it's like a mission yeah all right Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions.

Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.