Don't Blame Me! - Sparks When Dating

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Overstepping mentor Inconsiderate roommate Chemistry in relationships Helping a friend in a terrible relationship Don't Blame Them: Dealing with nosey parents Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/by.meghan.and.melisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello welcome to don't blame me and holy fucking shit i don't know if you can tell audio wise i doubt it but if you're watching on patreon we're in the same room they probably can tell it sounds different and i also think that like you just you you talk differently like when yeah in person like i think we do a really good job of it like there's some other podcasts that like drive me crazy with like the lag or i don't know whatever like kind of like clunkiness so i think we do a good job but i do think there's there's nothing quite like being on the couch your hands my hands are really dry your hands are really soft so i'm not gonna touch them what your hands are very soft i and you know i don't want you to be like whoa look at your

gross dry hands again i would never say that no wait so i know you have dry skin i do i do but yeah we're together we in the same room looking at each other in each other's eyeballs this is the first time if you're on our patreon this is the first time you're seeing us together since december i still can't believe that oh yeah because it was right before you went to arkansas and we took like breaks yeah wow wow wow we wow and you know how fitting is it that then now you're gonna be going to arkansas for two weeks oh that's true that's true so this will be the last time you'll see us together for a while but megan's moved and also the drive time isn't that different now right no the drive time is not that different but i did just have the

realization that i fucking hope spectrum can get their shit together before next tuesday oh yeah you can always hot spot it though i know but it's just not i'm just afraid yeah so hopefully next week when you're watching this hopefully i won't be using hotspot and hopefully the background won't just be a bunch of fucking boxes it will be i know but maybe i'll find a cute bring you out a nice little corner that's true because when i did move i was surrounded by boxes but i sat against my bookshelf and you can tell yeah but um we moved into our house obviously um i talk about it a lot on this week's episode of but am i wrong but the day that we're recording this is Tuesday May 3rd and we moved this past weekend and Matz's parents were in town for like

12 hours or something like that oh I didn't know that yeah I don't know why it wasn't like to see us like they like okay we saw them like with masks on but like we it was they I don't know what I don't remember what it was for but he was showing his mom the house and she like bent down to the floor and I was again the floor is like you know they're not like original to the house they're laminate and she's like these aren't laminate floors these are hardwood and i was like huh i thought they were but i also for some reason remember someone saying like maybe they said they weren't original to the house and then i just combined that with being laminate floors and then she was like no they don't even like make these kinds of floors anymore like these

are like really really nice they're like very like this is like not uh the kind you gotta you can't use like water on you gotta use maybe vinegar so she was saying she was like it's something that like they don't I think it's because it's a very like narrow kind of plank it's like not something that is like financially like what most people want to do in their homes now um and then she goes but these like aren't sealed and I was like what do you mean oh no and she was like like they're sanded like you feel that texture and I go all right ma'am I can't wear certain kinds of socks because I don't like the texture I can't eat certain things I am not the gauge for what I think is like normal when it comes to like texture so I just thought it was

like just me and like one of my like quirks so I never brought it up or said anything because I was like that's just me being me like when I was a kid I used to like scream if my dad would put these socks on me then I was like I can't wear these socks they're rusty and he's like what the fuck is a rusty sock and I just can't describe it I just have a very you know I've got an issue like your feet like snag on yeah and I just don't like that and so I just thought that this house it was just a socks house for me and I was like that's fine I adjust to the world constantly for like these things so i was like are you fucking kidding me because if it is not sealed and it is sanded that means that like we the sanding is the expensive part the ceiling's not the expensive

part but we did just move all of our furniture in and in order to seal a floor it has to be empty and the best way to do it you do eight hours between each coat and you should do the whole house all at once maybe like when it was there was no furniture that's true so we're hoping hoping that it doesn't need any additional sealant that it's something like that or the other case scenario that we will take with open arms is that it could use one in like a year or something like that but if it's anything less than a year there's no fucking point in unpacking because then we just have to repack everything so i'm just unpacking the kitchen right now because there's tile yep well it's not even tile it's yeah i'm bathrooms and kitchen is that's what

i'm doing and otherwise i'm like i'm sorry dude that's what we're hoping it's just there's just things that once you get settled things will be better but yeah so fingers crossed everybody what's new with you nothing really that we haven't talked about except for i'm going to arkansas but i can talk more about that next week when i'm actually there oh true true true true getting in fights online um i didn't tell you about one of them also they're like fighting because people were mad that the ice cream man where where did you find these people this one is down next door oh okay oh the other one was reddit this is next door what was the reddit the subreddit it was in the general hospital okay okay that one fell in your life it's just like yeah there's one person

that i there's two accounts but i believe it's one person oh and i've deducted this with other people that have been dming i was like i think this one person they're like i actually thought that too so i've been fighting with them and also i don't think the admins are around because i sent them all a message and i was like because usually if there's something it gets taken down really quickly and it wasn't taken down and i was like they're not admitting no the mods aren't modding yeah so i sent them a very mean message good but the other one was people are mad about the ice cream trucks that come around yeah they said they're too loud i'm like they literally first of all there are three of them they bring me so much bring me so much joy and they're also like

if no one's stopping to get ice cream then they're just driving down the street like you can only hear it and someone's like i'm a voiceover actor and i can't do blah blah and i was like so your job is more important than theirs yeah did you say that i did good what do you say no i haven't checked back this is a woman um and then there's a someone else that they were posting pictures of like like the people that were in favor of the ice cream people people were posting pictures of stuff and i was and so i was just commenting oh that looks good is this the the white truck i have only gone out to the pink one so i was just kind of you know supporting the ice cream people community also learned that uh helms bakery back in the day used to have a donut truck that drove

around bring i'm sorry we as a society need a donut like we need it back like we're in sad sad dire times oh yeah that's genius right they need to do it they need to do it you know what i also think they need to do i think like when i think of like portable foods i think of fairs and like games turkey legs i need a fucking turkey leg corn on the cob hot dog and corn dogs why don't we do this we should be a one of our mini gigs that we have you buy a fucking food and we do and that's like here's the thing like ice cream truck like now just imagine you have a different little ditty it's a little it's a little less like nostalgic for your childhood it's a little more like it's a little more like oh mischievous and you can get a fucking corn dog

just imagine like i won't be eating them because they make me sick yes but like we'll have everything else everything else you could even do pretzels i don't like soft pretzels i don't eat they're just a very odd concept but other people like we won't have them but yeah popcorn popcorn hot dogs turkey legs funnel cakes we'll have gluten-free options dairy-free yeah we'll do this and like just imagine like here's like an ice cream truck you're like oh ruins the dinner like blah blah this is like you forgot to like you didn't have lunch yet like you haven't figured out you just hear that little jingle and you go i think i know what i'm having for lunch and you get a corn on the cob and a turkey like there is one of the trucks that comes by the one that i was commenting

on the white one that i never go to because i told you it looks like a prison truck it does but that one has soft serve that i and i didn't know they also do like fries with cheese and things on them oh yeah get get that reclaimed prison truck and get that prison trucks officer wow yeah i just i can't believe there are people who like specifically like the ice cream trucks around here have like around like i only hear them here because i don't know anyone else lives on the street they have the best jingles they come at like the greatest times there's like also just like there are kids around right like it's just like there's a school right there yes yeah there's just like it's happiness in the air and like why are you here then right

told you the first night that i woke up here and i heard children like walking to school it just felt it's so wholesome just warm my heart yes oh and they get so excited when they hear the ice cream truck like i've driven by when i've like seen them be like oh and you want to get rid of that joy and for what like to complain on the next door app right like you can't wait to literally i do podcasts and also directing audiobooks we whenever there's a noise because we live in fucking la so there's noises everywhere even if you're in a room that's insulated there's still going to be noise i've directed things remotely from like they were like literally in this in a studio and we would have to stop for noises so like you can wait two seconds yeah if you're a

voiceover actor i just this is par for the course yeah this is just par for the fucking course unless you have a home studio and even then unless you built it underground you still gotta time it out we've been on sets oh my god hold for play i shot an entire fucking episode or something that was literally shot underneath the burbank airport so we had a timer for when each flight would go off and we could only record we could only do the scenes in that small time frame window yeah so wait question so the the reddit one was racist did the next door one get racist it didn't get racist i think because there's a lot of this is a diverse neighborhood so that's probably why it didn't get racist but a lot of people that were that have been in the neighborhood for a long time

were saying that these were the new people that are in the neighborhood complaining meaning the gentrifiers the gentrifiers are complaining about the ice cream ah wow so they really are flipping it on its head it's not like the older like it's not like the stereotype of like oh these old people are angry about the youth and it's like no no these white people are angry about happiness that's what they were saying that's and then that's what they brought up the donut truck was saying that years ago the donut truck would use like that like it's part of the community i bet you could be friends and like really sick old people probably hmm well i'm pro ice cream truck me too i'm pro all three of them three of them and what should we

name our truck they always have puns yeah i almost said cunt on wheels and i go no one's gonna buy anything from there snack attack and probably exist already i was gonna say and then we get um like water guns and so like to get people's attention we just were like what if they don't have water in them they have like lemonade yeah open your mouth open up kind of love it open up beep beep we're coming through we also need to get like a horn that is like in on the joke because when i did yahoo on the road my favorite part about this is this giant fucking yahoo tour bus that we lived on for like a month or something this is the first i'm hearing oh really are you being sarcastic no okay um i feel like i've told this

story so many times maybe i haven't but it was like this purple like very branded yahoo tour bus and it was huge and when you would press the horn it would go yahoo and i loved it like i was like on the notes makes so good so good well anyways this is don't blame me where we give wonderful amazing life-changing advice that um changes your life it's life-changing advice that changes your life welcome to don't blame me a podcast that changes your life by changing your life and it changes your life you know what's changed your life um and uh yeah my name is megan my name is melissa and together we are the infamous white rapper eminem and the candy coated convection chocolate coated no it's candy candy coated chocolate

yep yep yep yep i'm the one with nuts i thought you were gonna say i'm the chocolate i was thinking i'm the candy coat i was like you're the one with nuts and then i realized that the m&ms with which one would you be i know you can't have them i think if we're talking proportionately i would have to be whatever those long ones are oh that's the nuts one i thought that was like an almond one no i mean almond is a nut oh good point good point i don't know which one i would be yeah i guess i would put you i said nuts as i don't like peanuts though but i'd like to be the peanut butter filled ones though because like those are so fucking they're delicious but they're chaotic like you raise your hand in there and like they could all be melted they're like squished like

you know but then some people like love them but like they're a lot to handle who do not like chocolate and peanut butter but love chocolate and peanuts yeah i like peanut butter just not mixed with chocolate yeah um so we're gonna give you some advice and you might be wondering how the fuck are these two broads these bitches lovingly qualified and capable of giving me advice and uh the answer is is because we said so yeah i mean what we lack in credentials we make up in opinions first time we've done it reverse yeah look at us sorry yeah because those weren't the words at all no but then she does them in reverse and the issue is if i can't remember the real words then the reverse ones i'm just like well i don't know

okay you know if you want to call into this podcast you can give us a ring a ding leave a voicemail, 310-694-0976. And international listeners, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com. Keep it under three minutes. Got to have your parents' permission or you have to be over 18. And we ask that you write everything down and you pull out your phone or a timer, a ye olde timer, a sundial, and you time out that it's three minutes long or less, but then you can delete and remove any information that's making it take up too much time. You can add more in. Again, like the more information that will help us give the best advice. That's what we always say is it doesn't have to be super long. If you have extra time and you feel like we know

everything that will give us, like us be able to give you the best advice. But sometimes when you withhold information, then the advice that we give, we can only do so much. Yeah. And let us know your pronouns if you would like to, if you don't want to, you don't have to, but we do request that you let us know your age and the ages of people involved if it's about a relationship how long you've been together all of those things um if you're under 18 ask your parent or guardian mission or guardian of the galaxy just not um whatever the fuck his name is chris pratt don't ask him enemy of the show enemy of the show chris pratt he would hate this show yeah and that's fine 100 percent chris pratt enemy of the show

enemies of the brand elon musk yep enemy of the show lena dunham enemy of the show leah michelle enemy of the show everyone everyone whose name starts with an l enemy of the show um everyone rachel yeah should we get started let's get it pumping let's get it started hot i think kiki palmer released a new music video bottoms up too kiki do you love me because we love you so much uh okay um enemy of the show drake enemy of the show drake begrudging emily begrudging friend of the show millie bobby brown solidarity yeah begrudgingly though Viola Davis friend of the show yes friend of the show mom of the show mom of the show will not criticize no ever okay okay should we get into the show okay hi Megan Melissa I'm 24

years old and my pronouns are she her I'm currently getting my master's degree in clinical psychology and I'll be graduating in about a month so I started to look for jobs I found a pretty good job and the work that I would be doing at this job is really interesting to me it would be in hospital, which has been a career operation for me the entire time I've been in this program. The pay is on the low end, and I've been getting weird vibes from the man that would be my supervisor. I've been able to negotiate my pay a little bit, and he's been super receptive. He's expressed that while I wait for graduation, he wants me to continue looking for jobs, and he's given me a lot of advice on interviewing, negotiating, and he's given me a lot of insight

that I probably wouldn't be able to get anywhere else. I feel really different from my peers and my program I'm low income and I'm one of the few people on financial aid and me and the supervisor have bonded over him also being in that position while he was in school he clearly really wants me to work for him but when he mentions hiring he uses the terms like you aren't mine in reference to me not graduating yet or when you are mine in reference to when I start working there when I finish school I have to apply for an associate number to begin working and because He hired me quite a while before graduation, plus the time it would take me to receive the associate's number. He wants me to do weekly check-ins with him. These are always over FaceTime

and the calls usually last around an hour or more. He gives me updates on scheduling and what my hours would be once I started and overall like the vibe of the unit that's been going on in the past week. During the calls, he always mentions that I don't text him during the week. He wants me to text him throughout the week with updates. The thing is he doesn't want updates about graduation or even job offers or interviews not those specifically he just wants a general life update I've told him in past calls that and in our call today that I don't have much going on and he said that even nothing going on is an update he wants to be a mentor and a resource to me but I'm just not entirely comfortable with texting and updates during the week this would

be my full time my first full-time job so I don't really know what to expect um please be honest with me what do you guys think of this do you think it's weird thank you both and I love the podcast bye red flags this is so weird i have mentors and i might talk to them once every two months not like every single day updating if i just took a dump yeah what is this he has no boundaries and saying you're mine or not mine i hate this man it's just like psychology is that what she said yeah so this to me is an unfortunate truth about psychology is that psychology is not just reserved um for good people and some people get into psychology who like aren't good people and they then have a deeper sense of how to manipulate people and also they can give people

a false sense of like security. Do you know what I mean? And so I'm not necessarily saying that that is like what is happening with him, but his behavior is not accidental. Like anyone who should know how to not blur lines or like being like morally like sound and ethical is like, you know, like psychology. Do you know what I mean? Like, so that is something that like, I think that maybe you are feeling, which I think a lot of people would feel that of course it wouldn't happen with like it has to be something else. Do you know what I mean? But no, this is like major, major red flags. And I think that like what he's doing is not only like truthfully kind of like a good thing that he is really showing his true colors and showing his hand like really early

on. So you know this and can like get out of this job before that you're there and you feel like really indebted. But I think that's part of the reason why he wants to talk to you all the time and do all of this stuff is like make you feel like you owe him something and like that this like is a relationship that you've fostered and that as if like i want to be a resource i want to be a mentor all of that kind of thing like it does feel like he is like kind of preying on you and hoping that he's setting the precedent of what that is and you don't have something else to compare it to but like you are having your spidey senses tingling about this that like this is a little off and the fact that you're still in college too gives me really big ick red flag

vibes because he specifically is demonstrating an unhealthy boundaries in like a workplace environment for someone who is just getting into the workforce and that's really suspect to me i also think that and other people you know call in and share your thoughts that you shouldn't have a mentor that's at the company that you work with. Your mentor should be someone that's in your field, but not at the same place. Because when it's at the same place, a mentor should be someone that you can confide in about what's going on at your job, what's going on in your whatever field that you work in. And if you can't, you can't be truthful with that mentor because they work with you and they also are going to say things to you that aren't going to be for the betterment of you

as an individual it's going to be for the betterment of the company especially if they're your superior i don't know what his intentions are is this is to manipulate you on a personal level or to manipulate you at work as in like well you know if you want to get ahead then you got to put in so-and-so hours and either way this isn't good and he's not being professional at all and he's trying to take advantage of you yeah i fully agree and i think you can meet a mentor through a previous job but otherwise it's not an ethical relationship if you work for the same company and you work under your mentor as said yeah company because like i think a mentor like a mentorship is like the perfect bridge between like a social friendship and like a work colleague

kind of that working relationship but it can't be fully one way or fully the other otherwise it doesn't actually succeed in doing what it it's like meant to do this is just like so many so many red flags and even if someone like calls in it was like this is just kind of like how it is in these like fields like no it needs to change be like that like the same thing that we've talked about when we've had discussions and calls about non-profits and just the standard is that you're overworked and you're working all of these hours and all of this stuff like this is not okay and he knows that and that's the part that like frustrates me and kind of like grosses me out is that like you have some feelings about it obviously you wouldn't have a called in

and i'm want to commend you because i think it's really hard to listen to that little voice or that little pit in your stomach when you have like a professional in a field that you want to work in who's doing something and you don't have something to compare it to so sometimes it can feel like oh i'm just making this up but i just want to commend you for trusting your gut instinct on this and like yeah having some feelings about this because this is it's not okay no not okay not okay at all and he knows better and this is not like a prerequisite and also i will say there's something about sharing that you've both been through an experience that makes you understand the other one better or feels like you have like a like a comrade in this

where like yes psychology is pretty much a lot of it is dominated by people with lots of like family money and so being like growing up low income like i can totally understand how that's something that would like bond you but i think that paired with all of this is could lean towards um him essentially trying to use like a trauma bond of that yeah you know like us against everyone else here it's you and me and that just gets really isolating yeah i don't know if you have a teacher or like a counselor at your school that can kind of like help you or like set you up with a mentor that's not at this company. But ask around even, you know, make sure your LinkedIn is up to date and has all the information on it. And there are people on LinkedIn that will also

like if you just see somebody that's in your area, maybe not in your area, like a lot of people put out different um like events virtual events and see if there's somebody that you like and just reach out yeah and i'm always of the the mindset that you know all they can say is no but you have to make sure that you're not like doing something that's going to hinder them and be more work for them i also i'm curious if you're currently getting paid you know because i don't think that makes it better or worse in either way i think it just makes it like different in both pathways but if you are getting paid has he like doesn't have writing in the scope of work that you have to have an hour long update because they think with facetime if that's being done while

you're in school you don't work in an office you're not working together there you know hr is not privy to that necessarily or the contents of that but like is it in writing what he that he is requesting to have personal updates from you like once a week like i just wonder if you are are currently getting paid it just feels like a little bit isolating in like what he the shots he's calling like is he your only direct supervisor is there no one else there is he the only person you're interacting with and if you're not getting paid facetime an hour-long facetime call with him once a week is like free labor and then that just gets really creepy because that's not under his scope of work either right yeah yep red flags run goodbye sir all right next call i'm thinking of

alyssa i've been a big fan of the podcast since it started so i'm hoping you may be able to offer some advice or help i 22 year old she's a have been friends with my roommate 24 she her since high school she graciously moved in with me in the fall of last year after things went sour with my eyes. Everything has been great until recently. First of all, there's the normal roommate problems like dishes, like I rarely cook or eat food using the dishes, but I'm expected to clean up after messes, which is annoying, but anyways. The main problem is that we're looking to move within the next few months. We work in different parts of the city, and because of my driving anxiety, and while I'm in therapy and on meds and waiting to see results, I prefer something in the middle

between our both of our jobs i brought this up multiple times so everywhere she suggests is close to her work and at least 25 minutes drive away from mine i've also brought up changing our decor once we move it is very college apartment size and overwhelming even after hours of cleaning it never looks clean i'm honestly embarrassed about invite friends or family over i don't need it to be bare or minimalist or even to get rid of everything i just want to color scheme and less clutter she is very against this idea finally living with her feels like living with a parent or like living with my ex again. I feel the need to lie about where I am,

who I'm with, and what I'm doing. I want to invite my current boyfriend to visit and have him to pass, but she treats it like a chore even though they're friends. I've been thinking about just getting a place of my own, but it would be a pretty big strain on my budget with my other bills. I don't have many friends here,

and the ones I do aren't looking to move or have a roommate. I really don't want our friendship to go south because of roommate issues, but I don't know what to do. Moving in with my parents or my boyfriend isn't an option. I was wondering if you had any insight or advice. by the way i'm super sensitive and a cancer and she's married thanks i love the podcast bye that would drive me fucking crazy everything about this situation because you don't this

is your home but you don't feel comfortable in it no and she knows like that she knows that because otherwise she she feels comfortable she feels comfortable like giving your boyfriend attitude and like you attitude for you bringing your boyfriend over like and she also feels comfortable suggesting that you move to a place closer to her work like she knows what she's doing and yeah she doesn't want to change the decor even though you've been living together since you were in college like yeah fortunately feels like you've outgrown this situation but i understand your limitations normally like I don't know what your thoughts are with roommates and the pandemic and normally I would say just go find a new roommate but I think that's a little bit

harder depending on what your limitations are with how you want people coming in and out your home my suggestion would be continue to live with her because you have these restrictions but sign like a one-year lease and see like because a lot can change in a year maybe your financial situation might change maybe pandemic wise things are safer because we'll have the pill that you know helps treat it will be more widely available and so it'll be more like a cold and you know maybe you can't change the decor in the living room but like change your bedroom and just share things with share what your grievances are which you have and she doesn't seem flexible on anything but also like it seems like the apartments that she's picking out and liking it's because she's

picking them out are you giving any like insight on what the apartments are and where you want to live and finding places that are at the median point yeah i wonder you said you don't you want to be able to maintain this friendship do you feel like she's doing anything to maintain the friendship that's true because i think if what we have on paper is that like you know there's typical roommate issues we're doing the dishes and then you express wanting to move to a place that's equidistant to both of you driving anxiety very valid and she just is against that and like wants to just move closer to her work it just feels like you are doing um a lot to your it feels like your whole goal through all of this is to like make a decision that's not harming

your friendship but like do you feel like you're harming the friendship at all or like do you feel like the only way you can not harm the friendship is by letting her treat you like she's your parent so I understand that like this you might have really felt like she got you out of like a or she was there for you in a tough spot when you and like your ex broke up and so there is that kind of love there and that like care there but I just don't know if she doesn't sound like a great roommate and she doesn't really sound like the greatest friend no not at all and I think that like, you know, you can have what you want, but you can't have everything that you want. And while I think like, yeah, Melissa's idea of like a year long lease, but I will say like,

I don't think that it is on you to maintain this friendship when somebody is like clearly not really factoring your happiness or what you want into it. Like that's just not a good relationship or a good friendship. And so I think you either in my mind, you have two options, but it may, If anyone is listening and don't blame them, or if you're in the Facebook group can suggest some more, but I think it's either, yeah, you sign additional year long lease, you work on saving money and then yeah, maybe other factors change that will make it easier, make you have someone else to live with or can save money to move out on your own. I guess three options in my head, or you budget a way to move out on your own.

But the thing I will say with that is like when you are budgeting that, making sure that you are factoring in what it's like to live alone. So you tend to want to live in a safer place when you live alone and like those increased costs there. But if you're moving closer to work, maybe you're spending less money on gas. But if you can like do a really concrete budget and see, can you make it work? And or how much money would you need to make it work? And like come up with different options. Like I could live at this apartment and this is this and this and this. this. And then maybe it's like, it is a little bit, it's like around the same distance. It's not distance as it is now. It's not closer to work, but it's a safer area. So weighing all of those

pros and cons. And then the last ditch effort thing I would do is like, you said that your friends are all in leases, not like, but I would quietly like ask around about people, especially people who are friends with each other about moving. If you're in like a group of friends or you're all friends with each other it's really hard to kind of confide in a group if you have a bad living situation with a mutual friend that like everybody else knows and I'm not suggesting that you tell them that that's what you're going through but I think if you tell your roommate like you know what like I just like I don't know if like I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet it does seem like we really want different things in an apartment like I'm going to like ask around

see if someone else is like looking for a roommate that is looking for more similar things to me um but i will completely keep you in the loop i haven't decided what i'm gonna do yet so she doesn't find out that you're asking other people and then i would talk to other people and like it could be as simple as like a swap of other people do you know i mean they're like oh you all live closer together maybe i'll just take over this person's lease and then you can sub out and like live in my place but i think for some reason it's easy for us to like talk about shitty roommates when we're out of the situation or like roommates that just don't even like mesh or fit well together, but it's really hard when you're actively in it, especially when you're friends

or you're all in like a similar kind of group. So maybe there is some way with that, but I think that like, regardless of what you choose to do, you need to put your foot down for the having her essentially kind of parent you part. and whether that means that you confront her you say something about it or it just means that like you don't internalize it and you just ignore it or you're like i'm not gonna like you're doing this and this is driving me crazy but like okay no not you either confront it and you say that or you just completely ignore it and you like play a song in your head every time she's talking

to you about it and you just still go about how you're going to go about things yeah you've treated i've said this numerous times but you when you're living with a roommate and you're not getting along you have to treat it just like a business relationship and not personal yeah and i wonder if um she's kind of conditioned you to like ask for permission for certain things but like you know you can send a text on sunday night being like i just wanted to give you my like heads up my boyfriend's coming over wednesday from this time this time to like yeah and just throwing it out there and then if you know i mean like you're paying the same amount of rent you have the same amount of power that she has in the place yeah i don't think that she should make

you feel like oh you don't like how it is giving parent like you don't like my rules and get out where it's like well you don't like then you get out like so i think if you can really stand your ground with that but i will say i don't think that as of right now she's currently being a great friend to you doesn't mean she wasn't at some point but i don't think you need to preserve a friendship because it's impossible for just one person to do that it has to be a conscious effort on both parts i don't think she's trying nope not at all all right let's take a break and we're back hi how you doing hope you enjoyed that i hope you did too hope you used the codes or even just went to the website and typed in our code and then left

mm-hmm hope you checked out that those discounts those offers hope you perused the website using using our link yeah i hope if you did end up buying something you did left your little feedback and say where you heard about the product and how hot we are hi megan and melissa long time listener first time caller um my pronouns are she her and everyone who I'm referring to in this their pronouns are he him so a few years ago I dated this guy I was like 18 19 and I loved him I was obsessed with him I don't know how much of it was infatuation though because I was also 18 19 and my life was a mess and we broke up he broke up with me I was so devastated and I didn't date anybody for I didn't date anyone for a year on purpose because

I was so devastated and then I didn't date anyone for a year because we were in a pandemic but then you know we're all vaccinated things got a little bit easier uh I started dating this guy who I met on hinge and we ended up in a relationship well we were dating start to finish about 11 months and on paper everything was great but there was just no there wasn't a spark like we got on but like a lot of stuff he did just got on my nerves to the point where I didn't feel that same sense of like infatuation I had with my ex then yesterday so I broke up with him I'm glad that I broke up with him um I went on a date with another guy yesterday also off hinge really lovely guy like nice conversation into a lot of the same things I didn't feel like there was this immediate

spark like chemistry but we got on the conversation flowed he was really lovely so I think I'm going to give it a second date just to see how it goes and maybe do something a bit more activity based where you don't just feel like you have to sit and talk but at the same time how important is a spark on a first date how important is it to have that immediate chemistry or is that kind of fleeting is it possible to build on something where there isn't that immediate spark or do you always need it that's my question thank you very much I don't think you have to have like an initial spark with someone I think that if you enjoy their company and they feel safe and someone that you could potentially trust then it might be like and you enjoy their

company and you might go out with them two or three times and decide like the spark can come later it doesn't have to be initial think if you build even if right now they're not specifically like someone that you're romantically interested in it could be someone that's a friend and you build a friendship and then later there's a spark i don't i think that we've got this whole trope of like love at first sight and how they gave the butterflies when you first saw them and i think that love which those things are very much possible and very much real and they're real but like love love is more rooted in like whatever your values are and mirroring and if their values mirror yours and just an overall feeling and like you can fall in love with someone after

knowing them for a while. I agree. I think in my own personal opinion, like I think like love is quiet and comfortable. And I think that we like look at romantic love differently than like love for like friends or family. And I don't think we should. And I think that that can be I blame a lot of like movies and TV shows and stuff. But I would ask yourself, like, do you feel like a spark when you met your best friend right like did you feel that like oh my gosh like instant connection amazing no because i personally think that like a spark in the sense of how you're describing it and how it's we've been conditioned to kind of believe it is lust like that's what it like a spark is like i want to like i had a little palpitation in my another reason yeah like

fanny flutters like that and love island speak but yeah that like i think like a spark is in a romantic sense that's kind of what it is but i think like when it comes to like the first time like i met my like best friend sydney like we got along so well and i was like oh my gosh or like the first time we met cammy i was like oh my god we're gonna be friends like you first time you and i met like there's like i can think back to all of like my best friends and be like oh my gosh i remember this moment and like we just hit it off immediately and that's something that like in regards like dating or whatever i i think that we have just kind of like repackaged lust as like a spark romantically and if that was the case that you

needed a spark always then nobody would date their friends do you know what i mean because i think that like if we can redefine what a spark is i think but i don't want to get it like mixed up with like someone can be great on paper and you could want to be their like friend and there isn't just anything more to that there but when you're talking about like this absolute infatuation you had with like your ex and all of that that is to me is lust like and there's nothing wrong with lust and you can also have a spark and lust also implies like very fleeting but I think that you could have a spark with someone and that spark be lust and be sexual attraction and that could be who you end up with forever but also that doesn't have to be within the first the first time you

meet someone and i remember like my high school boyfriend and i were like best best best friends before we started dating and i remember like exactly when i didn't figure out my other my friend figured out like you like him and i was like what and it wasn't like this like oh my gosh romantic moment it was like oh fuck oh my god but like that's just kind of how it happens versus like when i met matz immediately i was like oh no this is this this i hope he's gay because this this would fuck up my life but like we were friends for like over a year before we got together and And I think you can, like, accidentally fall in love with someone who you had, like, no idea that you were really into, not in, like, the same way the tropes in the books are, like, enemies to lovers. Right.

Because I'm always like, is it really, like, just me and Mitch McConnell? No, never going to fall in love. Me and Chris Pratt, enemy of the show? Not going to happen. So I think that if you are comparing everyone to the first guy who was a combination of immense lust and someone you like were really, really, really fond of and really liked, those other people will exist out there. But that's not the only version of like a relationship or love.

And I would say if I were you, if that's kind of the only thing that you what you keep comparing everything else to, I would go out of my way to, yeah, go on a second date with this guy and like meet someone else and not just look for that version of love because it will pigeonhole you to that and also it can get kind of confusing when lust and then uh and that kind of the second one the one you guy the guy you broke up with before this latest hinge date that to me is when it's just lust right because then you get the ick and then you're like everything you do a noise knee and it like something is so passionate and so much and like so like a hundred percent amazing great but like it burns out really quickly because of that it's not sustainable it's

like a firework yeah yeah i think a spark is romantic as a concept but i think if you talk to people who've like been together for like years and years and years and years love is like companionship and it tends to be more comfortable and quiet and that doesn't mean it's like less romantic or like less amazing but it's sustainable but i think this is a really common question that like lots of people have but also trust your gut at the same time right but like if your picker's off though then yeah yeah well your gut and your picker i'm your gut is screaming being like no and then you get the gurglies being like you're making the wrong choice but yeah give them a chance if you had a good time i say go out again yeah and but i will also just want to in all of

this i think that i don't ever want to encourage people to put themselves in situations where they're like i'm gonna make out with this guy to like see if i'm if this is there like you don't have to do that i'm i'm uh like hey i think i might like you let me have sex you to check but like i want to i'm enthusiastically participating but i don't want that to ever feel like if that's not your vibe you should be enthusiastically participating in every part of an early relationship sexual or not and you don't owe it to anyone or an obligation to kind of like hope it turned into something else if you're not vibing but yeah let us know how the other date goes yeah i'd be curious i also would just like love i need to i need like a voice memo of you

just saying the word lovely over and over and over again lovely it was lovely it was the greatest thing of all time i just loved it lovely okay hi megan melissa i'm 24 and i use she her pronouns my call is about my best friend we'll call her sarah she is 23 and uses she her pronouns and her boyfriend will call him bob he is 22 and uses he him pronouns during lockdown in 2020 sarah had gotten out of a really toxic relationship where she had been moved about six hours away from family and friends for about four years she had dated bob for about six or nine months in high school right before starting college when she came back to our hometown after ending the toxic relationship she started talking to bob again it has been about two years now and bob refuses to call her

his girlfriend even though she spends five nights a week at his house talks about the future and he says she's basically his girlfriend but doesn't want to put a label on it we think this is because he was arrested in 2020 before lockdown for drunken disorderly conduct and harassing and falsely imprisoning another ex-girlfriend, amongst other related charges at that girl's apartment. We believe that he's still dealing with the legal process but has never told Sarah about the situation, so he has essentially been lying to her for two years. We live in a small town and someone told her and we looked it up because it's public record. He's also incredibly manipulative and treats her like garbage. She is bisexual and he is openly biphobic and homophobic

specifically to and about sarah his mother recently passed away unexpectedly as in two weeks ago and sarah has stepped into a caregiver role for his family because the mother took care of everything she lives with his father and two brothers all adults using he him pronouns the father has a good job in medicine and bob and his brothers all work yet sarah is keeping up the responsibility for paying for the food for all of their pets they have like seven without being paid back even though she really doesn't have the money because she's saving up for a house i would be completely in support of her stepping up to help a family in the wake of his mother's death absent the fact that he treats her like garbage has given her zero commitment

and is a man child who does nothing for himself for example the other day she told me that she bought him a hamper and I was like why didn't Bob have a hamper and she told me that she he would leave his clothes on the ground until his mom would come in to pick them up and do laundry so I asked her why she bought him a hamper and she said that it will be easier on her because she now has to do his laundry I really don't know how to support her in this relationship anymore because it's been incredibly draining on me she's been my best friend for over 10 years and we've been through everything together and I really don't know how to move forward

and I don't want to give her an ultimatum. I'm in professional school full time. So, you know, it's a lot on me. And I love the podcast and any advice would be great. You can be as mean as you want. Also, just to add some spice, we are all Leos. Yeah, this is just a really terrible situation. I feel really bad for her

and I don't know how to support her best. So I appreciate any advice you can offer. You guys are the best. Bye. This is one of the situations where we always say, like watch what you say and when your friend is in a bad relationship because you want to maintain that and it's a very delicate situation but this i might honestly go about this in a much harsher way she's also been your best friend for 10 years like if this was you and she was just like fuck

you it would never no i know but like i'm just saying i know what you're saying yeah if this was you I would literally be like what the fuck are you doing like I love you this is so embarrassing this is so embarrassing for you and as your friend I just need you to know I think you're caught up in the thick of it but like yes I can give you the pep talk that you're so much better than this he treats you like trash but like this is so embarrassing like what the fuck is up like are you good like where why is your self-worth in the floor that you think that this is okay like I would just really cut to like the bullshit of it because you're like I can't support this relationship and like I don't want to give you an ultimatum but I just want to know what the fuck you're thinking

and like what the hell is up with this like and like because also if she's telling you like oh I bought him a hamper when someone is like giving you insight into like the shitty aspects of their relationship in that way like what the fuck does she expect you to say like if and I know that like sometimes we don't tell the good things we only like tell the bad things and like that's what we complain about altogether but I would just turn around and ask her be like if I was dating someone who did these things what would you say what advice would you give me or what would you say to me if I was dating someone and this this was like how they treated me and I think that like maybe the truth of it is that she's like you know she feels like she she knows the family has like

been through a very sudden loss and tragedy and that she is trying to wrap up essentially like loose ends and do what she can to like make herself feel okay for like breaking up with him in a couple months do you know what i mean like i don't know if it's that but like i think if you can cut through the bullshit with her and just hear what's like happening because like maybe she's really dealing with something on her own and there there's a reason why that she is like with him and i don't think that you think and i'm not saying it is but she's been your best friend for 10 years if this feels like what the fuck are you doing there's probably like some issue here and like as a friend I think that like this isn't an abusive relationship so I don't

think that you need to go about it in a way that it's not physically abusive but it's emotionally abusive but in in the way that I'm saying I think that I don't want to say I think that like getting into it is a conscious decision but her telling you these things is like a conscious choice to let you know and so when you turn around and you can say i love you i don't know what to do with this information because i think if i told you a guy that i was dating was doing this i think you would tell me like get the fuck out like you're so much better than this like what is what is going on here i think she's scared because she said that this man he got arrested for disorderly conduct this is my ipad wait falsely imprisoning another girl ex-girlfriend okay i apologize everybody

my ipad died i was not able to take notes i tried to take notes on my yeah i tried to take notes on my phone and i it took me a while to open so i just said sarah bob early 20s and then sarah to a semicolon wait okay recap me from that part okay so i just remember her his dad died and she was doing the laundry for him so i started talking to bob again it has been he's an act now and bob refuses to call her his girlfriend even though they spend five nights a week together says they're he's basically her boyfriend but doesn't want to put a label on it we um this has been two years this is because he was arrested in 2020 before locked down for drunk and disorderly conduct in harassing and falsely imprisoning another ex-girlfriend amongst other related

charges that at that girlfriend's apartment so i think she is scared yeah for her life yep scrap everything i said so maybe you don't you didn't mention physical abuse but there's gotta be there's abuse in here question so did she how does she know did her and does sarah know all that stuff they figured out together is there another person someone told sarah and so then they looked it up okay yeah yeah no i think you're right scrap absolutely everything i said i now remember that that happened but then i dory brain um a less harsh version of my advice applies where i would just like sit her down and be like i want to paint you a picture about like a relationship and like describe her relationship and or you can don't

even describe it's just like i want to paint i started like want to paint you a picture about this guy that i'm seeing and like put yourself in her shoes as you're telling this story because sometimes when you say things in like you see it written down on paper or you hear someone else say it and you put it all together in like one lump sum and if you describe this as like somebody that you have been dating being like what would you tell me to do and like what would your advice be and then just say like I'm at a loss as your friend of like what to do because like I see someone who's like such a great person so fantastic who's not being like appreciated or valued by the person that she's dating and I also have concerns about the person you're dating and

And that's something that like, I don't ever want to alienate you in any way, shape or form. But I just, I wouldn't be able to like sleep at night if I didn't try and talk to you about this, because I know if this was me, like, you would talk to me about this. And I, I just want to know if it was me in the situation, like, what would you say? And what would you do? Because I obviously don't know everything about your relationship. And I don't know everything. and if the roles were reversed would would you be okay with any of your friends any of your family members anyone you love being in this situation and is there something that you wish I knew about this situation asking someone if is there something you wish I knew is a way in my opinion

I might be off base but is a is a non-confrontational or threatening way of giving someone an opportunity to a bring up that there is additional abuse happening, or just more insight into their thought process of this, which can then help you with this. Because again, this is super, super, super, super fucking draining. But I will also add if you were if she was looking up all of this stuff about him, like with you. And you're still and she hasn't kind of pushed you way and hasn't like cut you off and is still kind of sharing things with you about him and all of that that to me is an indicator that you are a safe person and usually a safe person you're not going to be a safe person who knows the most until someone's kind of getting ready to be done and

also to have somebody who they know if something goes wrong we'll call on their behalf and we'll have all this info like have all this information like a lot of the times a safe person in an abusive situation is like someone that you work with like not your best friend like not someone who knows so so so much about a situation so I think that yeah you you preserve the relationship and the friendship but you put it on her in the sense of like I don't know how to be what you need in this situation and like what do you need and what would you do if it was me yeah i think she's probably afraid of him also doing the same things that he did to the other ex-girlfriend but like you said she hasn't isolated he hasn't forced her to isolate so you're still there it is a lot for

you to take on but i would i on at this point especially right now i would honestly ask her like why are you in this relationship what do you want from it what does it do for you because right now not only are you being a not girlfriend since he won't put a label on it you're also being a mother to his whole family you're also putting yourself in financial strains to take care of them you're also hurting mentally and you know what he's done to other women so like what what are you getting from this yeah what do you want yeah like what's your dream relationship is this is this it like what are the what's what are the great things here because sometimes when it's so bad the there are these things like oh i really like this and it's like

that is par for the fucking course yeah but it's just a stark contrast because he's treating so bad wait so if he's still like in court though that sucks yeah just sending my love this is this is hard and i can't imagine like watching your friend go through this yeah and there's we'll put research resources in the uh comments for helping with this too if anyone has any um insight on this and you want to call in for don't blame them please do all right well speaking of don't blame them. Is it time? It is time. So if I didn't mention it already, don't blame them is where a listener will call in with their own advice pertaining to a call we had on a previous episode. So maybe they have personal experience or they just have some stuff they want to say.

I love Megan and Melissa. This is for Don't Blame Me episode, keeping a secret from your boyfriend uh this is for the girl who has an empty mom and wants to get explicit with her um girl i'm hispanic so i understand like where you're coming from uh especially my sisters as well like i showed them the podcast they're like oh yeah i remember parents are like that and like they were very strict with us um like our elementary school to high school to college to even now still now but not as much as before so they would be like we want you to come home at 10 and we're like that's when the club starts that's when the party starts etc to the point where this is bad we would rebel like so hard like we would sneak out of the house we would

also traumatize them like i don't know about you but like whenever we get mail our parents would like open our mail and be like you got mail so that's the Hispanic thing i don't know if it happens a few it happens to be a lot to the point where we just traumatized our parents we bought a bong we bought a dildo we bought like very explicit t-shirts that says i'm a cum slut so maybe you could like just traumatize them to an extent don't go overboard and i do agree with melissa to megan and melissa sorry uh to go see a therapist i honestly recommend a hispanic therapist because you know you guys would understand each other's culture and everything or sometimes what i would do is i would text my parents like a long ass paragraph being like hey

you're kind of going overboard i'm an adult let me do my thing yeah maybe do that and also the second call for the boy is seeing this alex person one so he's just a giant red flag run away control alt delete block stop seeing this alex person he is not your friend and i want you to be like alexa play ain't shit by doja cat because man ain't shit i'm not putting your brain so yeah love that man i hate him and plus you're in a new city new city new dick i hope this helps the both of you well i did it write everything down and i remembered my adhd code new city new dick i think that needs to be like everyone's housewarming gift like we like a bottle of wine or like no because i hate alcohol gifts um i know that's so i know um but like crepe juice

yeah and just that says new city new day and like a candle yeah a dildo new city new day and it is in like the dildo is in like the vibrators in the shape of like a landmark of the city but like rounded so like if it's a very angular one i mean take your pick the hollywood sign but then it's all angular yeah maybe the lights around it oh the lack of lights that'd be a good one it's really clinical though like very medical like that looks like what you get for an internal ultrasound i was like hollywood walk of fame star oh no no but like you know you could you could you could figure out some traffic actually no one draws that it would be like

well thanks for giving the uh don't blame them thank you love it wonderful appreciate it also always appreciate a little a little doja cat a little verse thrown in there and also the passion behind that yeah performance that's it for our episode we hope you all enjoyed if you want to go leave a review on the podcast app we would love that and if you are still listening go comment on the latest instagram post a landmark from your city that would be a good dildo yeah vibrator whatever sex toy so creative let us know who you think the enemy of the show is enemies of the show and friend of the show i just would love to know any other like niche references that like we didn't yeah pull up and we have the right to be too oh yeah oh always

i ask people lots of opinions vetoing is that's what we're here for yeah i'm just laughing at the switch between podcasts you saw my brain no i literally was like if you want to call in for an upcoming episode leave us voicemail 310-694-0976 international listeners send us a voice memo at megapodcast at gmail.com stay tuned on thursday for our other podcast go subscribe to that one subscribe to this one you have them already yeah go subscribe to but am i wrong our second podcast you won't see it on this feed you gotta it's a whole other show gotta subscribe and also make sure you subscribe to this you don't miss

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make me laugh and brighten my day i love the advice they give it helps me in my life i also love how they call people out when necessary i prefer call people in but yes love it thank you we appreciate it lily pop lily pop can't stop lily pop is that the one that you like with the with the with the with the justin timberlake dirty pop oh i was like there is no lily poppin justin's no but is that is that dirty pop is that uh in sync yes okay because he's an in sync not back to your boy correct okay we'll end the podcast okay goodbye everyone don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry

production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso