Don't Blame Me! - Stop Being Delusional

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

Content Warning: Call 1 - Suicidal thoughts Don't Blame Them - Sexual Assault This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Update: Timid In Bed Getting over a fantasy friendship Trying to be a supportive friend Don't Blame Them: Getting back nudes Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hi welcome to don't blame me and you're in for a treat today because melissa and i recorded for what 30 minutes 30 minutes a solid 30 minutes absolute unhinged behavior that's hilarious and do you think we'll compile the best of it to include in the episode yeah yeah yeah or we can throw some in a bonus um but we got so far off track we never we did 30 minutes we never did the intro to like we never explained what the show i just said this is don't blame me and then we went on a new tangent yeah so we needed to like we had to do a hard reset and sometimes this happens where like you can't just like suddenly get into it like no no we need to erase and we need to control alt delete and start over so we are starting over i promise you that like any of

the good stuff you'll hear the rest is you know us it was before my adderall my adderall is still kicking in but it was not kicked in then i feel like i sounded high but i'm not okay i just want you to know that you're just the most defensive thing with your eyes like i'm hot it sounded like i'm high and then if people please watch the patreon literally good and you're like it sounded like i was high and i'm not like it's like you're like let me look off camera as if we can't see you to open my eyes wider to make sure that like no one's gonna look at me and going like you said you're not for you that was for you though megan i know but i was just letting you know i wasn't looking off camera i was i was emphasizing this for you but i just feel like i sounded high but

i'm really not because when i get high i have to go to sleep so yeah i'm not i'm just chill today it's just i'm letting you dig it is also i unmedicated me i have this effect on people i have been referred to as a bad influence and an instigator and those were really the words that were used when i was perpetually unmedicated and it happens because when i'm getting all goofy and getting all fun it's hard to stay on track it's hard to stay on topic and we started it and you know why you looked at me and you said i have an ally in this fight she's about to be i'm not gonna redirect you like you're gonna be like let's talk about this and you're like you know that you're like if i want to do this it'll happen she's just here for the she's along for

the fucking ride i was yeah i was just it just came to me i told you i just woke up having a good day and i love it you know i just feel chill even though i have a big skirt due and it's not for like a studio it's for a lab that i've been in no i'm not yeah it's a class i don't wash dishes and i really hate washing dishes and the thing is like i don't know why i just don't get up and rinse my glasses out after i use them now that i'm uh i'm doing a lot of uh cold brew oh and you get the little ring i know you don't like cold brew but i would like you to have some of mine i just will not have it at your home okay i can bring it to my home okay because you like latte so if they made you like cold brew i can add my own milk no oh you're right sorry that's the whole

fucking point right oh my gosh sorry sorry sorry sorry yeah yeah it'll be great would you like like a mocha latte or just just regular chocolate yeah no i'm good you can just put vanilla if you want but i don't okay yeah i know i i don't want to like because like when i make people cakes i want to like them to challenge me because i'm like oh i'm a baker and like i know you're it's not a challenge these are all things that i know but it's in your wheelhouse so i don't want to like give you something of like giving a black coffee like well you're like that's not fun but like so i want to give you something that's fun it's like vanilla yes yeah okay vanilla tequila yep it's really exciting for me thank you you're welcome i'm happy for you

i'm so excited like it really it's therapy like it's like no i understand like a like a ritual where i sit and i think about how i'm gonna infuse the different flavors and incorporate them and when i'm gonna incorporate them on a full moon like i just have to say like your process of this it's so it's so clear that you are not dependent on caffeine to function because you're talking about this like oh it's like this beautiful process and what's that i am a monster in the morning moths just makes the coffee and i wake up and he's like hey good morning where's my coffee like i'm literally like it has to take me five fucking seconds and i prefer it to be like made in a glass for me and hand it to me and then i prefer to be in silence until i finished drinking

it everybody has their calling and for me my calling is being caffeinated immediately from the time i wake up and your calling is being the dealer of that caffeine for people like me yeah it's it's the combo of the milk flavors i made i had some last weekend to the people that were here you may have heard of them allison and gabriel i was like they were like this is the best coffee that i've ever had and they're like it doesn't taste burnt they said like the the way that like it's just smooth with the milk and i was like thank you here's the thing though i'm gonna have to make moths also drink try it too because yes i have the two of you i've got bad taste and i will just like i know that like you know no matter what i believe that like whatever you make i'm going to

love but on the off chance you'll also have moths who will be able to compliment you on like the coffee of the coffee i'll be able to compliment you on like tastes good like i will be the caveman compliments and moths can like give you a little bit of nuance there thank you because he knows what good coffee is i don't yeah i make sure the beans were roasted within a week do you roast the beans no i go pick them up okay you buy so you the beans are roast pre-roasted yeah you don't have do you know i don't know anything about coffee anything oh i i do not have the machinery to roast coffee i don't know if it was like you roast a brussels sprout you roast a bean no it's not the same process at all oh yeah is it like a kiln kind of looking thing

yeah okay you're right you're right you're right coffee roasters that was the coffee shop in my town and they had a big one right at the front i remember this takes hours like your whole fucking day to do it and that's why it smells so strong yeah or you know or it could just be starbucks and do it fast and then all the coffee tastes burnt but that's not my ministry mine is an artisanal experience is there anything you do that is not an artisanal experience no but i just had to put it out there in case someone's new okay someone from a rep from almond cows yeah and if you would like to uh join me in my almond cow experience and we could we could even start a little almond cow chat club that sounds like a cult uh somebody tell erica we've

got the new job i know she's not listening um but but uh put it i'll put a link for a discount off the almond cow machine for the record they don't know she exists yet so this is not sponsored by them they've liked some of my posts that i've made but if i actually like in my stories but if i actually like edit it to the videos that i've made they definitely know who i was most of you sent them an email with the pages on pages of links to these shows where you've goddamn fucking mentioned them they'd be like would you like a job like this is like she's our street team like you're the number one fan club like running this whole shtick it's impressive yeah i love it so much i know you do i'm very happy for you like i don't i don't think y'all

like understand how much i truly know you guys like you think she talks a lot on the podcast we talk about it just as much off camera like it's just like this is her this is her thing right now and i've got love island you've got almond cow and like what more could you want in the world honestly what i could want is then paint me and then i'd be set i could always use a little more money yeah always but i would love no strings attached money that just like i happen upon you know yeah yeah but if i can do this like something that i love and then somebody could edit the videos which if i was making the money then great then you know that's what i do all day you'll never work a day in your life doing something you love shilling all the cows yeah

when i think of a new infusion in my head i'd spend time just lying in the bed in bed thinking about what the next thing is going to be like you're christina tosi like this is just her being like i'm going i will make a milk derived of cereal i will squish the cereal and blend it into the milk and then i will make ice cream out of that milk because almond cow like you don't have to squish it because of the basket that's on it you just have to i don't want to talk about like my actual process because my process is not the same process that they like advertise it's like my proprietary blend but you're gonna be one of those people who sells like a zoodles webinar course where you're like here's my own ebook on how i make all of my zoodles like yes and so like

it's it's true like you don't you don't have to do any of the squishing you don't have to have any of the cheesecloths you don't have to like yeah it's just great i'm really happy for you i really am sarcastic i know no no i i love it and i hope your parents listen and know how much this gift that they got you oh thank you i just appreciate it don't worry they know they're like god damn it why did we get her this no no they're like we need one i was like y'all will never use this it'll probably you'll use it one time wasted no i'll be like y'all use it one time stick it in the corner and forget to like clean a part of it and then it's just gonna be covered in mold oh yeah no they won't appreciate it and the they're they're not almond milk

engineers like you like you're using your science background for this and like they just don't get it they're just recreation they want to participate but like they don't know the art that goes into this and i'm figuring out how to do it like you know how everybody's like i need a pump of blah blah blah with this like if you really work with what the the raw ingredients you have you don't have to do all that there's a way to infuse it stay tuned for melissa's segment exclusive on goop i can't say that no melissa that was not derogatory that was earnest and out of a place of love i hate i will be the first to admit it i love her i do too and i know i'm not supposed to but like i don't care well on that note welcome to the podcast we're gonna give you advice and

you're probably uh listening going these two between the two of them this seems a little chaotic and you know what you're right you might not be we might not be on the same page we might have very differing thoughts um one of us might be giving incredibly toxic advice the other one might be really looking out for your best interest but at the end of the day we both are doing this out of love and out of care and we want the best for all of you and in your lives and sometimes the best thing for you is to be told when you are being my new favorite word a little delulu lemon lemon yeah say it again delulu lemon thank you for doing it a second time because i did get it that time i have a slow processing speed but an incredibly quick output and that's that is that

is a great way to describe yourself i think someone should put that in the dsm-5 for adhd like that's actually like really astute i think you should put it just like in your biography and said like what about my bios instead of saying we'll bully you because i needed to give a disclaimer because people were all shocked and i was like i never said i was nice if you thought i was nice that's on you i am kind i'm not nice i know we've been through this exactly i think i figured out why people are now using this little thing in the messages because now you can put songs on there oh my god i do not need more people to like do like a fucking like passive aggressive post of like to trip for one person like it only shows up to people that you

follow so like like you have to be mutuals for it to show up so it is gonna be just very targeted yeah so like here's how i feel about those those chloe kardashian quotes and i'm not above it i have definitely done that so chloe kardashian would always post these like quotes on her instagram story like whether inspirational or like the people it's always the people closest do but they're all like screenshots from pinterest um and everybody was like okay ma'am like just send it to him like this is just like we don't need to be spectators in this like this is so uncomfortable and really the true hack of it is you want whether it's a thirst trap or a passive aggressive like quote or something like that you set your story where it is only visible by that

one person you want to show that to because the results of like you posting a passive aggressive a thing like that is all of your friends being like who's this for like what's this what's this about i've done a close friends thing where it was meant really just meant for one person i deleted everybody else off and just had that one person be the close friend it's a great way because they think it's going to all your best friends but it's not even smarter close to them friends yes and then they go is this play about us wait who was it was this recent no okay so i couldn't wouldn't have seen it though no i understand the category category is anyways i hope that someone is new here and they're just like what the fuck am i listening to

20 minutes about nonsense nonsense don't say that about almond cow they're going to revoke your non-existent brand deal brand deal job it will happen anyways we're doing it again welcome to don't blame me where we megan and melissa give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and uh how can we do that because we have microphones we started a podcast and we're it so we're going to give you advice how this works is we are going to play some calls voicemails so if you would like to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com for both of those you only have three minutes if you're calling on the google voice number it is from

the time that you hear beep that wasn't the real beep everyone you have to call this is not like an interactive thing dora dora the explorer anyways um you leave the voicemail you have three minutes from that time and i my meds meds should kick in probably around three minutes it's usually about an hour and i'm good um um you have three minutes everything yeah you have three minutes from the time that it beeps and to make best use of your time which also if you age and over have your parents permission we do require that you include your age in the call it is all anonymous so don't worry about saying your name or anyone else's name you can just create some pseudonyms and the patreon is like really just they're getting so much today they're

getting so much because like melissa there's like there's like the the vocal and the topical things that we're talking about there's a whole other storyline happening in the facial expressions between the two of us the movements the camera angles it's great i had a chill i didn't just apologize you don't have to explain it to the girl who does that i do that all day every day i don't think i've had one that that deep on camera no you shook your table oh use fake names um pseudonyms and all of that but to make best to make best use of those three minutes we suggest that you write everything down that you're going to say practice a few times time it out make sure that you have all the relevant details in there if there's like a lot

of history to this and you're like oh my gosh there's so much god like give us the juicy hard hitting really relevant things like imagine you're like a lawyer on trial and you're like okay what's really going to seal this deal like what's going to really paint my case but if it's you know it's a character witness you know you're describing something someone let us know what's happening in your life and the problems that you are dealing with the situation that is at hand and we will give some fantastic amazing advice it all comes from a place of love we are doing this because we care we want everyone's life to like you know turn out exactly how it should be and all good all great all fantastic but if you are sensitive let us know because we do take that into account

when we are wording things you know like we're not i know that like we can be a little prickly but if you tell me like hey i have sensitive skin i'll be like i'll keep that in mind that's really nice of you thank you i have sensitive skin all right now let's get into our update got a weird spot on my skin i should go to the doctor Hi, Megan and Alyssa. I'm calling for an update from my call from episode Timid in Bed. Firstly, I would like to formally apologize for driving while calling. It was very dumb and will not happen again. I am now safely parked in my car. So yes, apologies. So my call was the episode title where I was just starting to date a girl and needed some advice on getting dirtier in bed. So regarding our relationship, I ended up breaking up with her about two months in because

I struggle with relationship anxiety or relationship OCD, and it was just overthinking a lot and didn't think I felt a spark with her. After a couple of months apart, she reached out to me wanting a friends with benefits situation, and I was hesitant because I started or I was scared of feelings developing on either side, but eventually wanted to give it a try because casual sex with a consistent person is something I've always been interested in, and I trusted that she was a good person to do it with. You guys suggested that I watch porn, which I do, but there isn't a lot of good free lesbian porn out there, and I feel like I'm starting to get desensitized to porn in general, which I don't

want to happen. I also tried what Melissa suggested about listening to Pornhub audios with people just talking about what they like, et cetera, which was kind of nice, but also made me cringe at the same time. But she and I continue to talk about what we like, and I'm happy to inform you that I had some of the best sex I've ever had in my life last week. It was passionate, and we both pushed each other around a little bit. I also masturbated in front of her, which is something Melissa suggested as well, and she thought it was really hot. She has a praise kink, so I bought rainbow star stickers to put on her forehead while she's eating me out lol and we're going to use a strap on as soon as she buys a harness she's also utilized texting which is fantastic foreplay and

yeah we're truly having a great time together the thing now is I think I am developing feelings for her and I'm starting to feel the spark I didn't think I felt before she started texting me more and now we're texting from morning to night every day a couple nights ago I was going to go over to her place, and she texted me right before I left that she was really tired and probably didn't have the stamina to have sex, but she still wanted me to come over, so I did, and we ordered food and watched TV and ended up cuddling and kissing, and it was really nice. I feel like now, if I want to tell her how I feel, I have to be 100% sure that being with her is what I want, since I was the one to end it the last time. But I am a chronic overthinker, especially when it comes to relationships,

and i'm trying to change that i'd love to know your thoughts on this whole situation and thank you again for your great advice i love you guys bye i just have to like applaud you for your um ingenuity ingenuity your craftiness and your insight because the fact that you went from praise kink to rainbow stickers on her forehead when she's eating you out is beautiful like for me that never would have crossed my mind but like you pers like for me a praise kink i'm like oh like you're so pretty like you're so amazing a sticker melissa i did this food network taste show and first season or the first show i did with them great i would always ask the dpb like was that good like did i do good i could do good i was asked the director and like they were like

yeah you did good you did great and for the second show they made me a sticker chart which i got the same amount of stickers every single day and they all just said like really nice things and like different people on the crew would be like Megan I'm putting a sticker on your chart today and so it was never like one day was better than the other it was just like I constantly got stickers and I didn't realize that a sticker to tell you that you did a good job is the best fucking praise you can get and so while I was listening to this story I was like are you giving stickers as she's like hitting a certain spot like is it like oh that was good or it's like at the end after you come you just put a sticker on there i have questions i would like to know the answers

because i'm very interested in this it made me chuckle in a good way i think if you have a praise kink if you know i think for me as someone who i don't think i have a praise kink because there's no sexual component of it but like i'm a leo i love being told i'm doing amazing like i love all of that stuff um and i also love participation awards so like i don't want it to be related to like my actual i want i want to be doing good all the time like don't get me in my own head about this i'm giving head i'm a little too busy you know but it works for her no i know but i'm saying like maybe she's just getting participation she's getting the stickers just for a job well done i feel like that y'all aren't together and you you kind of like maybe the reason why you feel

that spark is because you're actually like having great sex and that might have been what was missing i don't know why y'all like actually broke up but that might have been part of what was missing the last time if y'all i mean y'all were clearly on good terms if you wanted to continue the physical aspect well i guess you could not be on good terms with somebody and just want to fuck them but that would be friends with benefits that wouldn't be friends with benefits that'd be enemies with benefits which a new fan may cause me to to revisit something anyway i had never thought about it that way but are you asking for advice now well i was gonna say update but you're already they did ask for some additional so as they just go with it just go

with vibes and just see how things are landing and if like you're enjoying more time out of the bedroom in addition to you know the great best sex that you've ever had in your life then like why not I think she took a chaotic choice that we would have given if she was calling in the your friend with benefits if she was calling into the podcast to get some advice we would have been like you know if it's not going to work like don't waste your time all of that stuff and then the chaotic advice would have been like hey if you think that she's just a commitment phobe and like she's like worried about that and like there is a real connection there be friends with benefits and weasel your way in there before she realizes like oh my god i accidentally fell in love with

you and like now i want to date you that's i think what happened like i do not think that this was you know she she knew and like you you said that you every it ended because you know you get over like i don't know the exact phrasing overthinking yeah and like about relationship stuff specifically and then it was like oh now we're friends with benefits and like now like the you know sex is really good and like you're not overthinking and you're not like going through all of those things like to me I'm just like she played the long game like it was like to get you out of your own head there needs to not be like a label attached to this and there needs to not be like an expectation and if it's like oh we're just friends and like you you went to the point for like you know being

like nervous or you know overthinking to like feeling comfortable enough to like put stickers on her face when she's like head when she's going down on you like that is that is primo primo but the difference between friends with benefits and a relationship or something more serious is truly just like the desire for a title and for the commitment like the feelings aren't changing there and so i think like if you're worried that like you're going to freak out again the that's the only difference there like the difference isn't like oh i feel differently about you like oh oh i like now i like you i didn't like you before like you like the people that you're friends with the difference between friends and sexual partners that you have like

long-term or like relationships that involve sex is the sex like they're based in friendship so i think you're checking all of the boxes here and i don't think that you'll freak out again because it's like you've done all of the relation you're you're doing all of the stuff and you might be freaked out by the title but now you want it you know i said just tell her and she's gonna be like well yeah obviously this is my plan yes like we're we go together you don't have to we are what's understood don't have to doesn't have to be you can just be like so we're dating now right like we're we go together like we're together like you want to go steady go to the sock hop you want to wear my my ring my my letterman jacket well i have

high hopes for this and this is very sweet and really i i think that like i like her already because like to me this i feel like i can see through this that she knew what you needed and anticipated and was like you know she she did a little a little shuffle a cupid shuffle you may say and now to the left to the left she you're gonna say this to her and she's gonna go my plan worked and i love that i love a romantic plan all right we're gonna take a break and when we come back we're gonna get into our calls hell yeah we're back before we get into this call i would like to give a content warning for suicide hey besties okay so i know you literally just did an episode about like friendship and like

ending friendships but i have a little dilemma not the one that i have a thing okay so basically here's what happened two years ago I attempted to oomph myself and my best friend at the time um best friend slash lover um it was blurred anyway decided to call contact with me um so I haven't talked to this individual in since 2021 like late 2021 like September but for some reason I can't seem to get out of my head this like idea that one day we're going to like rekindle things and one day like we're going to be friends again because this person's made it very clear that they want nothing to do with me and they've blocked me on everything and have been kind of telling people that I'm not a good person stuff like that but I still have this like idea in my

head of like oh my god what if we're supposed to be like what if one day we end up being friends again or what if one day we run into each other and it's like this like 20 years gone by and nothing changed kind of you know like I have like these delusions because I'm delusional and I just want to know like how the hell do I get over this like how do I go from a person being like my world to like somebody that I used to know like that whole like guilty day fucking song you know what I mean like anyway um sorry that was just so mommy chaotic I love you both also I'm an Aries okay bye I have to say when you started this call with hey besties I was like we're not your besties we ended this call and I was like bye bestie like we are your besties like

we don't get the vibe check of everybody so like you get our vibe and you were right like we would be friends like this is like how you're fucking funny I'm I'm so glad that you're so self-aware because i was like megan's new favorite word is she likes to say a lot i did not claim it someone said it someone called me delulu in my dms and i said thank you so much putting that in my pocket and that's all i was thinking about but you know it you said i'm delusional you said i have a dilemma whenever i have her dilemma i immediately think of the kelly and nelly song who both of them were delulu in that song and so you had already set me up for what this vibe would be and then you you and then you threw a curveball in there and i was like but then you know we're

back here but yes you are delusional yes like one thing that you said is that i have this idea what this is is just like a idea that you had that you've been ruminating on like it doesn't matter how many times we have these conversations in our head they never go how we planned because what we made in our head was just a fantasy this person doesn't like you and i think like the sooner you accept that then sooner you can move on like they don't want to be with you you already said that the lines were blurred between lover and friend which means that there was no clear direction and what your relationship was anyway so let's just let's just come come down to reality know that like they don't want you in their life they don't want you period and this is you live

your life for you and not somebody else yeah i agree with all of that um the timing of this if i'm not mistaken is the friendship ended like either right before right after or because of the attempt and like you said your ex best friend slash lover whatever doesn't think that you're a good person and so I would ask you like do you think you're a good person because the statement that someone else doesn't think you're a good person they're saying that behind your back and then your desire and this idea of wanting this to work out is that because you think if it works out that means you're not a bad person or do you think that you're not offended by what she said or hurt by what she said because you think you're a bad person like that statement

when someone says that like that should really be a nail in a coffin like when someone says something like behind your back they're not a good person like that should be the end of the relationship on your end as well like you that's not a statement you kind of go back from or like forgive someone like that's a really like fucked up harsh thing to say unless you believe it or you think that their mind can be changed so I don't know the circumstance in which this friendship ended and if it ended in a way that like you're not proud of and if you look back on you're like yeah I don't think that I'm a good person from how that friendship ended or if your friend was put in a situation that you're like not okay with but they don't need to forgive you you need to

forgive you and so like you can't have that resting on that so you even said like you know I'm just like thinking about like how close we are and now suddenly it's nothing and like Melissa said like it's the idea and I don't know if you have dealt with this before like if you've dealt with an attempt before or your state of your like your emotional state or like whatever led up to that if like this you've never been to this point before or anything comparable then are you viewing your friend as that other version of you who hadn't dealt with this stuff and like didn't you know there's something there that trying to get back to that and for you is are they representative of that and so is it like are you striving to get back with them or rekindle with

them because you were good together because the relationship was good because you like you were a better person when you're around them and they were a better person when they were around you like what were the good things there versus like it what does it say like does it say that if they forgive you and you have a relationship moving forward does that mean then you're giving your your permission to forgive yourself or does it mean if they forgive you and shit changes that you're not a bad person like there's all of these things that like melissa said like we want people to say one thing and there are thousands of different like options of what they can say and the likelihood that they're going to land on and say the exact thing you want to hear

is so unlikely but on top of that most of the other things that they're gonna say are gonna harm they're not they're not harmless they're gonna hurt and it's gonna be hard and you're you're into this idea and whether that's because they're a marker in time for when things were different for you or when you felt like you were different but the way that you get out of these in your exact words like being like delusional is recognizing that yeah like these other characters like Melissa said they have agency and they've made it abundantly clear what they want and this is not this is like advice i always give i don't even know on the podcast like my friends in real life when you're talking about like the obstacles and the hurdles and like

you know the only way that this could happen i'm like is this like if you were reading a book about this would you be rooting for these characters to get together like is this like a story that you'd want to like tell like you'd be excited to tell the people you're closest to Like, is this something that you would want if you have future children or the young people in your life with like kids that you mentor, family members, whoever, like the young people in your life that this is something that they should strive for? Like, would someone else want to put this on a vision board? I know that relationships aren't perfect and how we get there and that, but when we're actively seeking out something that is harmful for us in our current day, even if it wasn't harmful prior, we're asking to be hurt again. and to me this is just this is like a time for like self-reflection especially two years after this has happened you would i promise you you will be able to get over this as soon as you stop

engaging in it because the reason why you're it's the two years delusional like don't be like don't look at this i'm like oh i've been trying to get over this for two years you haven't you're starting from square one and it's i'm deleting everything every picture i'm putting them on like in an album that as a password block, I'm putting it on my computer or something like I'm not looking at photos. I'm unfollowing them on social media. Anytime I start thinking of them, do Pavlov's response. Every time I was thinking of them, I'm doing a pushup. Every time I started thinking of them, I'm sticking my head in the freezer. Like I'm going to do a response. I'm going to go on a walk. I'm going to open my phone and scroll on TikTok. Like those are the same, like the same

advice I give. And like, as someone who deals with intrusive thoughts, like I'm like, I need to swap that and so when you have something that is like this quick impulse that you know can lead to a much bigger spiral and for you this has been two years of this then it's like no replace that sour candy replace that like something else to like specifically reset your nervous system and so it gets to the point where either it's annoying to think about them or talk about them because you're making yourself do a burpee every time or it's a becomes like a physiological psychological response because you're shocking your immune system you're getting in the shower sour candy like you're doing all of these other things that it becomes more effort than it's worth like there's no positive

outcome of that it's just redirection and it's gonna take a while and distractions hobbies like things with friends like things where you're talking with other people like you know like you know a bumble bff like hanging out with someone anything that involves you getting out of your head and I also don't advise this to be like a writing prompt because I think when you when you're someone who tends to pinpoint and like spiral or hone in on something writing is the same way that you can you can get it out but if you're someone who really focuses in it's just more material and more and more and more and so something that is involves other people and social interactions or like tactile pottery hand things things that you can't like just constantly

daydream and think about these realities that just like don't exist yeah agree and once you're able to move on from this you're it's going to open you up for so many better friendships you know romantic or not like because right now your brain capacity and your brain space for those relationships platonic and romantic sexual like that's taken up by this person who's not actually fulfilling any of them so yep agree all right best of luck love your vibe give us an update please here's the next call hi melissa and megan i'll just get right into it i don't like my best friend's boyfriend i am 20 and go by she her pronouns my best friend we'll call her annie is 24 and goes by she her pronouns as well annie and i have been friends for well over a decade

she dated this guy we'll call him a for four years i never thought much about it but we didn't really see each other that much in those four years well he dumped her out of nowhere two years ago and then led her on got back together with her but wouldn't but wasn't like officially back with her used her for sex emotionally manipulated her then cheated on her and was really disrespectful and nasty after that. It also turns out that she felt the most insecure she's ever felt in her life in that relationship. He made her feel shitty all the time. And she told me she really lost herself in that relationship, which I really believe because she's genuinely thriving since the breakup. Her entire family agrees she's actually glowing since the breakup. Well, A crawled his way

back in recently and after only two weeks they're already officially back together and I'm struggling being a supportive friend none of our other friends like him and her twin sister who I'm really close with doesn't like him either so it's not just me and I told her I support her and I love her and I know she's just going to do what she needs to do and what she wants to do but I think it's a bad idea. And I left it at that. Because I know I can't judge her or tell her that I don't like him all the time. And that will just drive her away. But since then, she's told our friends about the dates they've been on, sent pictures in our group chat, and announced they're official. And I've said literally nothing. And I said nothing because I'm not really happy for her.

I, of course, want my friend to be happy, but I genuinely think she was thriving and doing well without him. I don't think she needs him to bring her happiness as far as she's up and down, and I really see him taking it all away. Like, all this happiness she feels now, he's just going to take away at some point and hurt her again. But my problem is I don't want to seem judgmental or harm our friendship because I don't like this boyfriend. I also don't want to lie and in person my face really tells anything I don't say out loud so I really need advice on how to be a good friend in this situation I also need advice when she inevitably asks me to see him in person or talk to him because she's already brought it up and I really need advice because I just have a major bitch face there you on a plane that's really

what that sounded like I was like what does it sound like it was that this is difficult but you're trying to prevent her from harm that he's going to cause if he's caused harm or whatever like she has agency if he's gonna break her heart again if she got back together with him in two weeks like I think a lot of the stuff that she probably said afterwards was to make herself you know feel better like we say things after like breakups and stuff like that but if he was able to weasel his way back in in two weeks and their official you know uh she might have been thriving from an outside perspective but internally like was not and she was really deeply insecure but she's not over this relationship and as much as you want to protect her from this and avoid all of this

you you can't and that sucks but she has to like figure it out on her own and you said your piece And so to that, I don't think you have to say any more. If she asks you for advice, I would just be like, I don't like, you know, I this doesn't seem like you can even like it doesn't really this is not really my wheelhouse or like I don't really feel comfortable. like I know like I would definitely talk to so and so I would talk to so and so about that or something like I don't know and you don't have to keep reiterating that you don't like him and then the same thing when you like see him in person like she knows how you feel you only have to say it once nobody will ever forget if one of their best friends says like I don't think this is a good idea like we were we remember that shit like you remember if someone tells you that like you know your best friend tells you like oh I'm gonna hang out with someone else like I don't

your top doesn't look cute today if someone says something that like hurts your feelings or like feels like a judgment or whatever it is you're gonna remember and the fact that she didn't immediately cut you off or like lash out i think that there's a little bit of maybe not awareness but perspective in the sense that like shit has gone wrong before and she has needed the people in her life and she's not trying to isolate you so don't isolate yourself because you also don't want to do that so you've already said your piece you don't have to say anymore and that's it if you have a bitch face okay but if it's a follow-up conversation and question like you already said your piece you do not have to reiterate it to her because if you reiterate if you reiterate to her

it will it will get worse and she knows it so i also don't think that she's probably going to come to you for advice and if she does come to you for advice on something if something's going wrong i wouldn't do a disclaimer and i've done this before with people who i was close with where it's like okay before we get into this like I need to know like that we're on the same page with like your audience because like we've had that one conversation before so you know where I stand so are you coming to me for advice because you know where I stand and you need me to say the things that you know that I feel or is it not that and if that's the case like reach out to so and so like I think they'll be great but like I'm you know do you want me to be honest or what do you

want what do you want me to say and so you you can't do everything for her and like think ahead of how these things are going to go and you I do think though that you have to be happy for her as long as she's currently and present day happy so I don't think that you can be like you know I I'm I'm happy as long as she's happy so then if she's happy then she then that's what you that's the role that you have to play and I've been you before and I've screwed up friendships because I've you know I've said too much and I've then been vilified by the other person and friendships have ended and then friendships have rekindled so it's just a matter of if if she's safe in this situation if she has people she has her family around she has her friends if she's talking to

you about it if she's sending pictures if she's talking about the relationship and she feels that you are a person who she knows that you don't like them and so she knows if things were to go bad that you'll be there in a fucking second ready to help her then that's like the greatest thing you could do as a friend but you can't prevent her from making the choices she wants to make because that's also not a that's not a good friend even if your intentions are good removing that kind of agency or thinking that someone doesn't have the capacity to make good decisions in in a relationship in like a romantic relationship that's a that's a trait in an instance that we see as something that is like abusive and belittling and you know when that when we're

doing that for children when we're doing it for people who are disabled doing it for the elderly like taking away someone's agency because you think you know better than them is not a position of power to empower your friend to be in a healthy relationship yeah you can be i know you asked us like specifically like how do i be a supportive friend you don't you be a friend and you don't have to support this relationship because if you do you're lying to her when she knows how you feel about it and if you're going to be a supportive in their relationship that means you're just going to be fake to her and that's not what she needs she needs an actual friend that just that means like how to be the friend is like like megan was saying like you can be there for her if something

arises and you and she knows like that you're there for her but like you can just not talk about this relationship like she she should know that like you're not the person to come for when she needs you know something positive to say about this dude or like anything that's positive in a relationship you because you don't support it and um i've had a friend who was in a very bad relationship a toxic relationship with someone i did not like and they knew i didn't like them also the boyfriend knew that i didn't like him everyone knew the whole friend group family not a secret at all but I was still able to maintain my relationship with her but then when he went a little too far and did something that he should not have been doing I was the first person that

she called because she knew that I would be there for her because I was supportive of her but not the relationship and I got I helped get her out that situation and so I think that's just kind of what you have to do for her if that's what you want to still be in her life yeah and it's it's a process and i made the mistake in these things of like when someone's been in the trenches for this for like years and years they can't see clearly so there are certain words you shouldn't use and certain things like people need to be eased into it if they're trying to get out or having that recognition but right now she's not there right now like her it's barricades up like she's sending pictures she's happy like there are no cracks right now in this and she was only even said like

that stuff that it was so bad she told you after the relationship ended that she was incredibly miserable after so you need to know that like right now she's in this other phase she's in this other mindset of this and that old her and that old relationship doesn't exist to her but you know that so you can keep that in the back of your mind and you can be there for support and if you see him say something or do something you can call him out directly of being like hey that like wasn't very nice i think that's always better to do as opposed to putting it on the person who's dating them and then you can like you know follow up of being like oh like that other thing like they said that like what did that mean and have have her come to those realizations of something that you

might have seen or experienced that did not seem very kind or good so that she can realize that now but if he's super toxic he'll be vilifying you and everyone and so you have to be the friend there so any any shit he says about you or other people she won't believe because there's no evidence of that but when it when it's like everyone's trying to like just destroy us everyone's trying to take us down when if that is kind of the mo at the end of the day like then he he's not wrong there and then that can become a really isolating thing but it's hard but yeah like Melissa said keep the friendship separate like it just it doesn't you don't have to participate in that with him and she should be able to acknowledge that too and I'm also

thinking at a certain point too if you kind of just like have to lie and put on a good face to get through one day of it you don't have to say that you like him but she knows that you don't so if it's important for her for you to spend some time with him it might also be helpful for you to get a little bit of intel on him and like see where those things are at because if you do not interact with him at all even once the there might be some isolation from friends there like it won't yeah you can't be in the same room with him then it's like oh then she might be like then i can't hang out with you yeah i mean i would be in the same room with this dude all the time i didn't talk to him i'd acknowledge his presence but i could be in the same room with him also

there's a way to be a absolute asshole and cunt to someone so they're the only ones who know that i've done it yep all right we're gonna take another break and then we'll be back all right let's go to don't blame them what's don't blame them don't blame name is when listeners uh calling with their own advice pertaining to calls that we've aired on previous episodes and so they might be like oh i've got some professional experience or uh i have some personal experience with this or i have a friend of a friend who had some personal experience and i would like to share on their behalf or i think i should have a podcast and i love the sound of my own voice to that i say amen sister friend hi so i'm calling in for a don't blame them for

the episode obsessive x has my news and it's actually for the title call on this um and i'm just going to put a trigger warning. This does briefly discuss domestic abuse. I really just wanted to emphasize Megan and Melissa's point that she should go talk to her boyfriend, the ex-boyfriend that she's asking to delete her sex tape in a public place and also maybe take someone with her. I have a very close friend who, unfortunately, when she went to get her stuff from one of her exes who was a bit controlling he sexually assaulted her um and she they used to live together and she went to their their old house which is where he was living she was moving out and yeah it caused her significant issues and it's really hard you know as a friend because

we didn't think that this could happen and no one thinks that this could happen to them but um if one of us had just gone with her maybe it would have been different if maybe if we had, you know, chosen to do this in a public place, maybe it would be different. Anyway, I just really wanted to emphasize that advice from Megan and Melissa and just to anyone that's listening to these calls. Honestly, anytime I break up with anyone in the future, I will definitely go with a buddy and probably make it in a public place. For this caller, I know they said, like, maybe a Target parking lot or something, maybe have a friend drive you there and be in the car um and then talk to him like one-on-one since you know obviously these

are your sex tapes together he might be in them and he understandably would want some confidentiality with that as well but yeah uh you guys give great advice um thank you yeah i wholeheartedly agree with that and um i think it's a good emma like i i really do think and you never know how someone is like going to react even if you think it's amicable like i don't think it's overkill to do things like in a public space or in a private i always think a private area of a public space where you're within volume i i shot an earshot with people specifically someone you know who knows what you're doing i have the same mo when it comes to like first dates for when people are like meeting up with someone or going out with someone especially in cases where you think that

someone other person might be a little blindsided or they're doing something that's made you uncomfy even if you're like well i don't think you would ever get to this point but that's the thing we were saying driving home it's like but the the having the controlling and having of these videos and feeling a certain way about it like that that feeling doesn't come out of nowhere and that's a characteristic and an indication of a different kind of person yeah you never never know how somebody is going to react or how they're feeling that day or what they've been thinking about and how they expect it to go and it doesn't go and then they snap or just do something that you would think is out of character but do we truly really even know

this person yeah and especially when you're choosing to end a relationship there's reasons why like there's reasons why you're leaving that relationship so even if you think these are completely unrelated and this person would never do that even if you've lived with someone and it feels like you know them like so well you're not staying together you're wanting to end this and there's a reason why people when they're met with things that they don't like can act in ways that we don't know and they're obviously a different person than when you started dating them because you're breaking up or you're a different person from when you started dating them so this the the gauge and the read we have on people just because we dated them that doesn't mean that

we know them better or it's correct or we know what they're going to do and it's always better to be safe and anyone who where nothing does bad does happen would never be like oh i can't believe you would do like if someone goes i can't believe you think i might do that it's like what do you mean that no that's no I if somebody thought that I may harm them in some way and brought you know a friend along then I'd be like okay like if you're a person that has sense then you you would be okay with that yeah and like you know that like even we like when you're faced with trauma or faced with like really hard things like you you always don't always know how you're going to act and like i think that that i would never be offended or hurt or feel judged or

attacked if someone set something up that they felt that they needed for their safety i would just be like yeah that's great like having that wherewithal is great yeah however this needs to go about for you to do what you need to do like whatever steps you need to take to accomplish the goal do that safely so thank you to that don't blame them caller for calling in and i would And urge you and the rest of your friends not to, you know, blame yourselves for this or think about like those like what ifs and all of that. Instead, channel that like same energy into uplifting your friend and like what she went through and, you know, being there in the future to support her and in different ways. but like life happens and other people being the perpetrators of crimes and sexual assault violent or non-violent crimes emotional abuse physical abuse is never um those those people are bad people and their actions while they might have taken a quick sidestep and things might have

been a little bit different there you also don't know that they would have been different so it's just as likely that they would have been exactly the same and now you want to approach future situations different and all you can do from that is you know adjust your behavior to the information that you have so i wouldn't blame yourselves or dwell on on that because she needs you and she needs you know not just need the what ifs it's not your fault at all all right thank you for listening to this episode of don't blame me if you'd like to call on for an upcoming episode leave us a voicemail send us a voice memo three one nope i already said the number and i did the email before just go back and look at the show notes it's great the show notes if you ever

have questions about the general structure about the show all the information is in the show notes and if you have a question that's like oh no this is like ridiculously specific you can send us a dm and we might respond or you can send us a personal dm and we might respond maybe we'll talk about an episode so if you would like to follow us on socials we would love that so much so if you would like to join along on our slate of content we upload and podcasts as well as patreon video versions of some of our podcasts we do all of those so much during the week and you should subscribe hit that notification bell yeah i mean tomorrow tomorrow you're gonna hear about um you're gonna hear a rendition of this podcast if robots did it wow um on see you next tuesday

on thursday we're gonna be talking about cheetah girls too melissa has some of the hottest takes i've literally ever heard but they're as a cheetah and then and then on friday we will also be hearing robots taking over for but am i wrong as well as the results from cheetah girls one it's a fantastic wonderful amazing great gorgeous time and you should join us follow along yeah i'll get better posting on the instagram too she thinks maybe i'll get antibiotics for my sinus infection and and life will get a little bit easier. Oh my fucking God. Bye, everybody.

Bye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.