Don't Blame Me! - The Bride Peed On Me

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Making a mistake in a relationship Converting to your partner's religion Fear and anxiety from medical trauma Not living up to the bride's expectations Don't Blame Them: Advice for the insecure bottom Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/by.meghan.and.melisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome to don't blame me the funny thing is about an hour ago we've already done an intro for the show and then we were stopped because we needed to talk about something and we talked for an hour and now we're back i already forgot about that yep we did that hi welcome to don't blame me starring me megan and melissa the bougiest person who ever have existed questionable well no i think you're ethically bougie yeah ethically bougie once i you know acquire more money we'll see how i get but i think bougie is in your blood i don't think bougie is like the act of bouging i think you are born bougie or you're not and like you innately you could be pinching pennies together and like you would still at your core be bougie you'd be rich

on team melissa maybe that's i was like hi i'm megan and i'm joining my co-host rich on team i literally on one of my friends posts they have a sweatshirt company and i and they like have posted somebody else like in the wild wearing their sweatshirt and i was like oh i actually have the sweatshirt on right now and then they posted okay rich auntie and i was like this has nothing to do with me being rich auntie but you know it's because it's your essence you can't escape it it's you're right you are to your core you just took a dna test turns out you're 100 rich auntie it's the goals it is the goals welcome don't blame me we're an advice podcast where we give life-changing wonderful amazing advice and we give the advice that we would like to see in the world

so the advice we would give our friends give each other we are who you call when you don't want people to bullshit you you don't need it to be sugar-coated you just want the cold hard honest unbiased truth from unaffiliated third parties are we a third party or are we a let's start with a second party and a third party a second party somebody that's directly in it so party one and two and then the third party is the third perspective okay yeah so that does make sense when you explain it exactly how it sounds yeah so if you want to call for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com we ask that you are 18 or over have your parents permission you write down

everything you're going to say on the call and you time it out when you read it so before you even record or you leave us a voicemail you time it out make sure it's under three minutes you have all the information ages we keep it anonymous but if you're using we prefer fake names instead of like initials or that stuff and let us know your pronouns and once you have it all practiced written like think of it like you know speech class you know like the no what was it called communications all of them they're all they're all the same speech communications debate three classes which are underneath the communications so yes think of it like that then you practice and you deliver what will be a wonderful call now that i think about it in my communications class

my speeches have to be 30 minutes so that's plenty of fucking like i haven't thought about it in that way that's so much time i remember i was trying to think of things to fill that 30 minutes me trying to advocate for the death penalty being like i ran out of talking points this is i don't i was like me giving a speech on like genetic modified gmos foods like i was like i'm at two what what else do you want me to say i'm talking slowly like i don't know how else to do this yeah you've got time but you think of it that way that's a lot of time to fill you're only going to be able to utilize that time if you write down what you're going to say otherwise just out of likes and ums alone me personally i'd fill that up in 10 seconds i'd fill three minutes up in

four sentences okay i'm struggling everyone i have gotten about seven hours of sleep in the last two days long covid is every day just ruining my body and it's horrible so that's why i'm a little kooky what's new with you i don't know we've just spent literally i think we've spent since we started recording at 11 o'clock this i'd say 11 30 because someone was late and then um we've already recorded but am i wrong and i believe we've all like two hours of that time we've spent just talking yeah i sat here and ate half a steak yeah because even when we sat down to record but am i wrong i don't think we started recording to like 12 something yeah no so that's why i wanted to default onto you to give an update what's up with you oh here's

something funny hold on i gotta find it doesn't sound like you actually think it's funny it's kind of it's funny okay that's just the only thing i can think of that's entertaining right now that we haven't already covered so i was googling myself as i do once a month and i found some page that you're listed on i don't even remember what the website was but it says bio facts and info megan rinks has been putting advice podcasts on youtube this is grammatically incorrect megan rinks has been putting advice podcasts on youtube since 2010 and she's at around a quarter million followers and going very strong don't you have like two million followers on youtube something like that so that's wrong in general she talks about her life and self-deprecating style and

she sometimes works with her fellow vlogger and gal pal melissa demons oh my god that is like how i would picture like a like an old person like introducing us at like some family event right oh that's like my dad this is her gal pal i do say gal pals that's something me and my sister say because my little mama used to call megan miss gal and then we just kind of like went off that we would call people gal pals and stuff like that just to be funny but i just thought that was funny because when have i ever blogged and vlogged in my life i don't know what you do on your off time actually i do you do i do know you do i mean it's not blogging yeah it's trying to come up with the next ethical scam vlogging could be considered

that depending on how you're depending on how you're doing it that is true i don't know how much money and yeah what constitutes as a scam i think anytime you're doing anything where this is definition of a scam and i should also note we are both incredibly pro-ethical scamming pro-ethical scam anytime you're using someone else's money to complete a task and probably taking advantage of them i mean that is you're taking advantage of them in some way and then you come out on top i think that's a scam yeah over promise under deliver and profit yeah with someone else's money you over promise under deliver and you profit from that and the ethical way is that no one actually gets hurt from it or the people that you scam are getting hurt from it who fucking

cares about they are a scam yeah like it's the robin hood like it is like we're stealing from like the whole stock yeah the banking system scam stock market scam it's all scammy anytime you're getting money from any of that stuff it's all a scam so like how do i take money from those scammers yeah here's i'm like hot take this is really is it really like hot that you want to save it for but am i wrong no we might just have to cut it out of this part okay unless you're hurting anyone i'm pro bank robbers like rob the bank money is fake money is fake and they're going to get it back anyway and also like the people who are it's the banks who are hurting it's not the individuals who hold money there agree it's all a scam and it's not like the

specific bank tellers it's not their money and anytime people are like they should have done more i'm like i'm sorry no sit your ass down you do not need to put your life at risk for a minimum wage job with like pillow mints that like you have those like butter mints bank tellers don't make more than minimum wage they make like a enough for like a living wage but they don't make enough for like i think it's rude that like we're expecting all of these people to like be around these but yeah they don't make enough you get a salary no no no like it's not fair like maybe there needs to be like bank tellers scamming i'm sure that they are because even inventing anna they talk about how she scammed i mean this is a story that they've culminated

it's from a lot of different people so there's not just like one face of who she scammed but this is a culmination of it so they for tv but there's this one woman that she would use her credit card like she took her credit card this woman was like being a bitch to her because the woman was like in love with her boy like an older woman that came from old money who was kind of obsessed with like her boyfriend Anna's boyfriend and so like Anna was staying with her and she would like send Anna on errands which you know Anna staying in her Manhattan house for free but she would like send Anna on errands to do things and Anna started just using the woman's credit card all the time for other things that were not for this and then she got caught and then the woman was like giving

her sob story to the reporter and she ends up with yeah yeah but like the bank just said it was fraud and i got all my money back she didn't get hurt she was a billionaire from old money like she got her money back nothing happened old money is not safe money no no swipe swipe like dora the explorer is out here in this allegory we are swiper and dora is people trying to hold us back and boots is the fucking snitch boots is a snitch swiper no swiping driving fuck off oh man i'm a swipe whatever the fuck i want to swipe why this thought will always come back to dora it usually comes back to modern family but now oh gee oh gee thing we both type it right damn that oh yeah he looks fucking good that's that dora movie was good and i stand by that

shit it's so good is that the girl who didn't get invited to the oscars i don't think so who played that dora i know everyone said she was gonna be the next big thing and for some i think i'm conflating two people whoever i think those are completely different people for the explorer movie oh completely different people now she's going to be in john green's new movie john green's turtle all the way down for new line cinema hbo max show i don't know what that is it's new so she's doing stuff just not as big as i thought it would be hank green tweeted who are your top three internet video audio streaming creators and the conditions need to be independently produced no netflix stuff doesn't have to be an individual could be a group working together and someone

responded but three people but the top one me and you oh you my gal pal blogger yeah my girly pop blogger friend the dynamic duo vlogging every day that's so funny love that well appreciate whoever said that little do you know this is produced by who would be producing this if netflix produced this life would be different yeah yeah it would they think it's produced by the liberal agenda who is like the equivalent of that that's the thing there is they think cnn or dr fauci that's what they think they think it's fauci is the founder of the liberal agenda and i'm like have you ever heard of michael moore i feel like liberal propaganda michael moore probably is that about is it yeah michael moore is an executive producer of our

podcast oh that's so funny you're right that's exactly that is who it is you know it's him and bill clinton because people think that liberals like stand and live for bill clinton and i'm like i don't know who you're talking to liberals from arkansas stan bill clinton what it's a home state thing you'll stand anything you've seen wisconsin with cheese like doesn't even have to be a person yeah that's true it's your input your export whatever you're exporting like you ride or die for that shit san francisco fucking rice-a-roni i don't even know what that is but i know i have to defend it it's rice that's flavored and then you put some water in it and it's pretty good sam rice-a-roni the san francisco treat never even had it but i will have i will stand by it

i just remember them riding trolleys yeah in the commercials i love how anything that depicts san francisco treats it as if we ride trolleys like it's the subway like it is a good form of transportation to get anywhere i love it what's it doing michael moore has a subset but oh my god men don't need another platform okay um so without any other further bullshittery let's get in to the calls we don't have an update today for the same reason we haven't had one in a few weeks because people have nine to five jobs on the weekdays and we'll figure it out we're just dealing i'm stressed yep all right hi i just called but i felt like i could do a better job explaining so starting over i love the podcast and i just got

reunited with it i'm 21 and i just graduated from college i use she her pronoun so my question has to do with feeling way too much shame and guilt in a way that's harmful versus helpful i know It's always good to feel guilt and know that when you make mistakes, it's good to know that, hey, this is fucked up and I need to change. And I really appreciate when others tell me when I fuck up so I can learn to be better and become a better person in general. The other day I was on a date with a guy I've been seeing for three months now. And I really liked him and he's the first guy I've had since my breakup last October, which sort of... When we were talking, I was mentioning things in my past and I started blabbing and comparing him to my ex and things like that. and I know this is really fucked up on my part

and I wish I never said anything because I knew it made him uncomfortable. He said that I shouldn't bring up this kind of stuff when I'm out with him on a date which makes sense and I agree completely. I'm not calling because I disagree with him at all or think that it was ridiculous on his part. I own up to all of it.

He wasn't really upset though really. He just said to not do that again because it didn't feel good and for me I feel like I'm still used to being condemned for mistakes I make. I've had a lot of harmful relationships, whether with my home life or with certain friends in my past. And because of this, I feel like I'm condemned for that mistake.

And in my last relationship, when I would make mistakes, it made me feel like I was the worst person and there was nothing I could do to improve myself. And so knowing all of this, when he told me how my comments made him feel, I felt so bad. I started crying. I became so scared. I've ruined everything in my chances with him and he was hugging me and wiping away my tears and I knew this wasn't a good way to deal with me making a mistake because at the end of the day it made me feel like I was trying to like take away from his feelings and get him to sympathize for me which is

never what I actually wanted to happen so I don't want to do that again and I want to be the best person to my abilities but I'm wondering how I can take criticism and own up to my fault without taking them directly as I'm a terrible person unwilling to change. I know feeling that way and taking it out on myself doesn't help the situation, and when others make mistakes, I'm not thinking they're terrible and that we will never work out. I guess I'm kind of asking for advice on how to own up to your mistakes and change without taking it out on yourself.

How can I reframe the shame and guilt I feel in a way where it's not debilitating but helpful to working on becoming my best self? thank you for all your help and for writing such an amazing podcast bye this was me at 21 i completely understand all this i will say personality and just like me as like a who i am aside adhd i also have a very hard time with criticism like it's just like a thing but like you picked a hell of a career path but so it's it's super selective and so that's what i wonder if that's how you the caller might also feel too because that for me i couldn't really understand it because i'm like i don't give a shit what people don't know about me like say but then

like a person in my life who i really care about could mention like a small critique to me and someone online i don't know could tell me to kill myself and i'm upset about the one thing not the other like one thing that's like not intended to be like harmful or something and the other that is but so i think that like it's not a fun answer but like it is kind of just time and like practice of that and I always recommend therapy that's always really helpful and that was like something I worked on a ton in therapy and like it's about like reminding yourself in the moment that if you do something unintentionally and then the second someone else points out you're oh my gosh I'm so sorry I did not see that know that if someone is pointing it out and this was helpful for me

because this is what I do for other people and I was like oh yeah this is how it is also if I'm pointing out something to someone that they've done that like hurt my feelings or something I'm doing that because I don't think I either don't think they did it intentionally or I don't I think it's out of character for them and I think that they wouldn't want me to feel that way like when someone treats you like shit or does something and like really hurts you and that was their goal or you feel like they couldn't change like they're not gonna you don't say anything like it's just kind of like par for the course and so that is helpful but I also think that like it is a muscle and like working on that and just kind of seeing that,

oh, when I do this, when I'm criticized again, and this person who I'm seeing or whoever I'm in a conversation with, they don't think I'm a bad person. It's all okay. But more often that happens, like the more natural that that starts to feel. But I do think in those instances,

like, yeah, criticism can feel uncomfortable. If you can catch yourself, it's all, I always find for me that it's much better if I notice I say something wrong or like do something that like and I immediately like regret it or I like worded it poorly I'm not gonna hope that the other person didn't catch it I'm gonna like catch myself like first to be like I'm not trying to get away with anything like if I fucked up I would just I would rather own up to it even if the other person's like not like hurt their feelings or they're not upset by it and then yeah like it is about like self-soothing

in those instances of like you now feel like they think that you're a bad person and you are turning it and making it about yourself but all that's really doing is giving someone else the power just in a different form so like when someone else is condemned like when your ex is condemning you or family or old friends or whatever and like makes you feel like a really bad person you're doing all of that like that came from them like they're making you feel that way but now that's not the relationship you're having with this current guy that you're dating but you're also looking to him to be the like antithesis of that and to be the anti that so like none of that involves you both of those don't involve you and so i think if you can you know if you feel like

yourself like getting emotional like or if like feeling like personal attack you could just tell him like be like hey i'm like really sorry i i i hear what you're saying but like i can feel myself like getting like emotional and that's not like fair to like you in this situation because i'm getting emotional because i feel really guilty and really bad like i'm gonna go take five minutes and like process this and like i will be back because i think if you keep putting it on someone else to reassure you that's kind of creating a different sort of problem but i also want to note shame is never good shame is never a good feeling to have we don't need to feel shame and guilt to be good people or to know that we've done something that's like right or wrong

none neither of those are productive those are like self-wallowing hatred those aren't productive feelings you don't feel that process that and then feel better like shame is something that is intended to like stick to your bones like that is like a you hold that with you and i think if you can step that away from like being like embarrassment and like switch shame to embarrassment and then embarrassment is like a learning moment because you don't really learn in shame you like you're like dragged down by it, you know? I kind of have like the opposite effect when somebody criticizes me, I get very angry.

And this only really happens like in family situations when friends, I kind of just like ghost and be gone. But like with family, I get very angry and snap and see red. And so I was talking to my therapist about this. And I think the suggestion that she gave me would actually help you too in this situation is that she said for me to distance myself from the person and then sit down and write what they said

and then my actual thoughts on what that is. And so then I can reflect on what they said and if it was actually like something that I believe is true as opposed to something that they may think it's true. And then taking that information after I've calmed down and then actually evaluating what was said and if it is something that could help me be a better person great and if it's not just fuck it

and move on from it and and throw it away essentially yeah I think that's I think that's a very good point because yeah we have to be responsible for our own like feelings and reactions and sometimes when we're in the moment we don't need to say all of that like that can be an internal conversation that we have with ourselves but unless you step out of from that exact instance that can be really hard but yeah I can't recommend therapy enough for this especially because and I don't mean this in a hateful way at all comparing your ex-boyfriend to your current guy that you're dating only three months in is like a pretty big deal and that's kind of a I don't want to call it like a no-brainer but that is something that even you as you said it you're

like which I know was really bad and all that but you still like did that and that is something that i think that you definitely still have a lot of like feelings towards your ex and you don't need to just like kind of power through like life and expect your feelings to like kind of catch up to like where your brain wants you to be like you have to process and get through that stuff and this is like a quintessential if it's hysterical it's historical kind of moment so we stand therapy in this house? We do. Next call. Yes. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I am 25 years old and my boyfriend is 27 years old. We have been dating for around eight months and we have a little problem. I need some advice. I am a Christian and he was raised Muslim. He identifies now as an atheist, but his

family is super religious so much so his parents were an arranged marriage that's very customary to them and he's kind of gone a different route to want to marry somebody outside of his religion and they've had a hard time dealing with that so my dilemma is that his mom in particular has had a lot of conversations with him discussing them approaching me about converting to Islam telling him that if he marries outside of their church or their mosque that that she'll be shunned within their religious community and that it's it would just look so bad even though he's told her over and over that he doesn't want me to convert that it's not okay to ask me to convert it's an ongoing problem that since the moment that they heard about me we've been dealing with

so she's away right now and I anticipate that when she returns next month she's going to have this conversation with me um and essentially I don't feel like it's okay to ask somebody to do that um I would never want him to change religions I would I think that's so rude to even ask like it's your own religious beliefs and I would never try and sway anybody differently so I'm it bothers me that she wants me to do that and she thinks that that's okay. But I don't want to burn a bridge with them. And I don't know how to tell her no in a way that's not going to ruin our relationship. I love his parents and I want them in our lives. But I don't know how to approach this conversation. Any advice would be so appreciated because I've been doing just about

anything to avoid it. But I think it's definitely coming sooner rather than later as we get a lot more serious um so yeah any advice would be great thanks guys bye you you're not gonna be able to do everything you want like i i completely understand having your own like religious beliefs and not wanting to convert i don't know if you and your boyfriend are having as open and honest conversations that you should be having because if like he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want you to convert either he's not conveying that to his mom like you shouldn't have to have a conversation with his mom where she asks you to convert like all that's telling me is that like he's telling you one thing and then kind of watering down the version to his

parents but like there is a high possibility that this causes his mom to cut him off like into like if this might be a deal breaker for her and it's like if she's financially supporting him or like anything like she might be like you either marry someone who is a part of our religion or they convert or like you're out and that could be with any religion like that could be like with anything you and your boyfriend need to not talk about you need to talk about it your relationship which is an annoying thing to do but you need to talk about your relationship in regards to how his parents feel as opposed to just like what you both feel because how they feel he can say that he doesn't like care about but if he didn't care he wouldn't let you be in a position where you have to like

convince her that you don't want to convert or he would be there too and he would have been like okay it's a cultural thing though so i'm not muslim but i am christian and my mom and dad are both christian but they're from different denominations and so when they started talking about getting married everyone was like you have to do what you're what my dad or her husband is doing and that was a very serious part of the conversation before they even got married and that came from both my from her parent's side and from my dad's parent's side and even i have a friend who she herself like she grew up muslim and this and i'm not saying this is for everyone but this is her thoughts on it she grew up muslim she considers herself an atheist now

but kind of like how jewish people are both ethnically and can also be religious wise be jewish that's how she views muslim like she doesn't think of herself as as far as like culturally she still thinks of herself as muslim and still practices like in some of the traditions but it's like not part like she doesn't do it as part of a religion but part of her family and so i could see that kind of being the same way that his family could look at it even if he is atheist that like the women talk to the women about this type of thing and that is why that she's doing it because that's traditionally could be a part of why that she's the one talking to you about it if this is something that's not important to him then he needs to put his foot down and say that

and talk to his mom about it but otherwise with you marrying into a different religion I think it's going to be a conversation regardless of who you're dating yeah and you have to be on the same page so like whatever you like it's not your responsibility to not burn the bridge and not to protect his relationship with his mom like that's not your responsibility like as long as you and him are on the same page and like you're like i have my own set of religious beliefs like that is not but like he has to be saying that same thing and then you both have to talk about the potential consequences of that because if it's something where he doesn't necessarily he thinks of himself as like an atheist but he there's a lot of like cultural practices or just

like the area he grew up in the community aspects of certain things that like he would want involved in like your future potential future child's life or something like that like you have to have those conversations regardless i think honestly like you said even if you're yes two separate religions But even if one person is religious and the other person isn't or anything like I like Monson, I we don't even have kids yet. We're engaged. But like years ago, I told him how I was like, and he's not religious, but like one of his family members is.

And I told him, but I remember like it just popped into my head. You're watching a TV show one day. I go, by the way, I'm not comfortable with our kids getting baptized. Like I'm not. And that's something that it was like, even though he's not religious, isn't like he's an atheist like all of that he still was like oh well i was baptized and i was like okay like we still had to have that conversation and he didn't even realize that he this was obviously he knew this was a religious thing but it was something that was just kind of common and like what he did

and he was like you weren't ever baptized i was like oh really like you're shocked it's me but so that was like the part that like even in that instance it's helpful to talk about those things because certain things that may feel really important to you like you're a christian do christians baptize or is it just kinds of christians christians all christians baptize so it might be really important for you to baptize your children and that might be something for him not because he's he grew up muslim but because he's an atheist he doesn't feel comfortable with so like i think you need to have a conversation about what you expect on for your future with your religious beliefs just because he's an atheist doesn't i think a lot of people think

that like a like which I guess in the term but like a being an atheist is the absence of all like of a belief system but my belief system is there are lots of things that I'm not comfortable participating in of other belief systems and that is something that you have to have a conversation with him about as well when it comes to like your faith in what you expect in a marriage and a partnership in a relationship like he might not be comfortable the same way you might not feel comfortable converting which is fair he also might not feel comfortable participating in christian traditions which is also fair and he might also feel equally as uncomfortable as participating in muslim traditions which is again also totally fair but you both need to have like a lot of

like very serious conversations about this and it's very very okay if that's like a deal breaker for you for certain stuff in the same way like neither of you should be put into a position where you feel uncomfortable because i think when you're uncomfortable as someone who's not religious i think when you're uncomfortable with other people's religions it's really really easy to be disrespectful yep and like i'm guilty of that constantly like i grew up near one specific religion but like that's like when you're for ones that i have no have no no i have no idea about like anytime you can feel uncomfortable by it you're essentially opening the doorway for the potential of you being disrespectful and that's like not it should never that is like never

hopefully never anybody's goal and fighting over religion just also ends up usually turning pretty disrespectful so i think to have a conversation with your boyfriend at honest open conversation where like you both talk about your thoughts about religion and where you stand and what kind of practices that you'd want your children to participate in, et cetera. And I think if you don't sit down with his mom, which it sounds like you're going to sit down with her regardless, I think it might be considered disrespectful if you didn't, but just have whatever strong convictions that you have. And, you know, you're strong on not converting. You need to have hear her out, but also have an open conversation and tell your side

about why you wouldn't want to convert yeah i also i don't know do you feel like asking someone to convert is always inherently like rude or disrespectful no i don't that's kind of where my mind went but i also am not religious so i don't entirely know but the only yeah the only religion i'm more familiar with is judaism and that and that usually people convert for it so And even people who aren't Jewish on from their mother's side, but grew up culturally Jewish and grew up with like a Jewish father, those people tend to still convert when they're getting married to someone who is Jewish on their mother's side. So I think if you can try and take away the feeling that that was like a dig, or it was intended to be rude or disrespectful of you

or your religion, I don't think that that's always inherently like dismissive. I think it might just be how some people operate under any branch of any religion yep and just because you wouldn't do it doesn't mean that like another good christian person practicing the same like area of faith that you do would not would you know i mean like it's just yeah okay well best of luck also is this what happens when you start dating someone when you are and this is not a read at all but like when you're like 25 and your brain is fully developed like you know that you want to marry that person eight months in that's impressive most people i know who got together later on in life said that and i was like huh true i feel like you've had depending on the

person you've had enough like dating experience to know what you like and don't like and i think you know yourself a lot like yeah yeah it's really cool it is i just think it's my yeah i have a friend who like she like the first time she had her husband it was she was like i'm gonna marry him and then they got engaged like a month and a half they talked about it on their first date and they ended up getting like engaged three months later married like two months after that they've got like a house and a kid and like he's perfect for her like they're just that's great they're in their 30s and i was like that's so sweet do you know about that new york times love quiz thing where they have like specific questions that this is something you should ask

your partner and you have the conversation and time yourself having this conversation since it worked like the people that have written in they say it's like 90 say that like they like knew that like this is a person i was going to marry from this that's so that is something that is like right up my fucking alley like i think i'm gonna start experimenting with it i well i i love that shit because like i'm someone who like i'm chronically curious i like love to talk about myself like i love to ask people questions like i love to just know shit and i do think that that's why like Mott's and I were like I mean we put a lot of work into our relationship but I do think that like I'm that as a friend too and so like I'm never kind of like a gradually get to know

someone where I'm like I don't really know much about them like I know so many random things about the people in my life because like I ask those questions and then I just like want to know that shit and I live for that kind of stuff yeah I bet scientifically like there's like a a real reason yeah I think they go into it for why it works yeah I think I've probably asked Mott's every single one of these questions now that I'm scrolling through this all right let's take a Great. We're going to take a quick break, and we will be right back. And we're back. Roll the tapes. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm a 25-year-old, and I go by the pronoun she, her. I do have endometriosis, and I got my surgery about a year ago. Luckily, I am someone who found a really good surgeon and had a good experience and am doing a lot better now.

however I'm still getting a lot of anxiety around when I do get my period I still have a lot of the same fears and anxieties that I had before surgery even though my symptoms are significantly better I just wanted to call in because I know Megan you've had experience with this and I know you've talked on your Instagram about and on YouTube about how your birth control has really helped And I was just wondering how you've managed, if you've had any of the same experience of having a lot of that fear and anxiety come back or stick around even when symptoms have improved because of something you've been dealing with for so long. I would really just appreciate any advice on how to deal with this. And I'm very well-versed in medical trauma, but I'm just open to any ideas or suggestions that you might have as someone who has gone through some similar circumstances yourself. Thanks so much.

I relate too much to this. And I am obviously like not a doctor, so I cannot give you like medical advice. So if you went to a great surgeon, I'm sure you've got like a great team. team but the biggest catalyst and the change has been going on birth control for me because i do still have some of that like anxiety and things there but yeah it got to the point of like it's such a it's such like a multi-faceted weird thing because it's like the point of it's it's too much pain to handle and then too much anxiety and fear to handle like simultaneously and that is hell like there there's just like no escaping that because even when you don't when

you're not in excruciating pain, you're in soul crushing, like world ending anxiety. And for me, the best thing was, yeah, it was, it was getting, it's been getting on birth control and getting on a birth control that stops ovulation and, you know, going at it from kind of, and I talked to this with my doctor, but going at it from like a really like medical standpoint of being like, okay so this is so your body has these responses and so this stuff happens when you are ovulating so my anxiety is like tied to getting my actual period and ovulating because those are the two most like painful times it's it's it's hard because I don't want to like advise anyone to like get on a medication because that's like something for your doctor to do but I think a

lot of the times, like when we think of things as being like solved, like pain wise, like I think even if like my, all of my endometriosis, like pain completely went away, I would stay on birth control because like it's traumatizing. Like it is that medical trauma that you say that like, it's that lead up, it's that anxiety. It's the like, what's going to happen next? How am I going to feel next? Because you can't trust your body. And it is a very inconsistent chronic illness that is it's chronic, but it's not predictable. Like there are some times where you know exactly what's going to happen other times, like you don't. And so I do like honor in those feelings where I still will get symptoms of just like regular times of like, I'm like really tired

or I'm lethargic or like feelings that I know I feel usually before I'm going to get my period without any like payoff. And I just don't power through them. Like I kind of just like honor it of being like, I'm not going to be like a champ about it. If I like start feeling kind of crampy or whatever like I'm gonna take meds and I'm going to like watch a movie and I'm going to kind of treat it like a potentially re-traumatizing event that might happen and it's not going to happen because I'm not actually getting my period anymore but like my body doesn't necessarily know that like my body just has whatever it was that is it Pavlov's response is that what it's the dog yeah that psychology that psychology thing where it kind of just feels like that where like

your your subconscious and your body knows they react without necessarily like logic behind it so that would be like my number one thing is just like if you feel like if you are still like regularly getting a period have a conversation with your if you are seeing a therapist and with your like medical professional about like what will be helpful for this like is this something that like because i think that like i don't know i think that we like we we so desperately for everyone feel like we can just like talk things through and like deal with it on our own but like i'm also very pro medication and i am not in control of my body but i am in control of taking medication that can help me control my body and i i i don't need to get used to my body like failing

me like i don't that's i don't like bullshit like fuck that like i don't want to have to be able to i don't want to have to do that some people want to like some people want to and i think that it's attainable for some people but if you are finding yourself like in fear of your own body constantly that's why modern medicine was invented and that's also why like therapy exists and like talking to a therapist about this who potentially specializes in like medical related trauma and like unpacking all of that and then I do think it's also just trial and error but yeah it's it's rough yeah I was gonna you know go off what you said about you're not a doctor so you can't prescribe any medicine but you had a doctor that was a really good surgeon that you liked and you like the team

so reach out to them because this is I feel like this is a common place with a lot of women my mom had endometriosis as well this is something common that women that have endometriosis go through so there might be support groups you can talk to other women and then your doctor that could prescribe something if they think that that's the right thing for you to be on yeah this is a very very pro birth control podcast and like the best thing for me that i realized that i was like when my doctor had told me that when I was like so ready to be on birth control and she was like I'm here for it I like wanted like and I was like yeah no I'm just like I have realized how much time of my life I've lost and I've wasted to this that I thought I was I thought this was

I could control how tough I was like I thought that this was something that I could get a grasp on and if I didn't that was on me and I just realized like I don't like people who are diabetic don't just like will their way to not being diabetic or like we we don't do that and the fact that like i'm making myself suffer because i think that that's what's best for me whoever whatever propaganda i'm falling for is actively harming me why am i trusting that right like i dealt with way too much shit and i also think there's all that narrative we've talked about before but that narrative of like especially in the endometriosis community people say birth control is a band-aid sometimes you need a band-aid sometimes i'm wearing a cute little

white dress and i don't want to bleed all over it like band-aids aren't bad and that's something that i think like we don't always not everything has a psychosomatic route to absolutely everything that we can fix and unlike no right now where medical intervention is we have surgery and we have birth control and that i hope someday we have a cure and we have but there is no point in suffering through something because we all think that we should be able to handle it better that's not it's the reason why the funding doesn't exist is not because we should be able to handle it better and it's not that bad it's because medicine hates people with uteruses that's why sending you lots of well wishes i fully understand the feeling and again for the thousandth time i

cannot reiterate to anybody enough how much going on birth control has i didn't even realize how anxious and depressed i was specifically around it not pmdd but around the fear like i'm a depressed and anxious person but i didn't realize that some of that a huge amount of that was going to be lifted once i took away like the number one trigger so best of luck hope your surgery was covered by insurance next call hi megan and melissa i'm calling i am the maid of honor for my girlfriend and we just got back from her bachelorette we did pay for her trip up front so we put it between seven of us it turned out to be about 50 each and that includes transportation and hotels i know megan that you're against that but i talked to the girls and i figured that would

be better than all trying to buy her dinner here and there and that way hopefully we can stick to a better budget for everybody now it's very difficult to plan we have seven women again with us with different budgets but I think I did a really good job it was a 12-hour travel day and we were very exhausted he said we're going to go to bed it was midnight the first night we had hiking the next morning the bride then called her fiance very upset saying that her trip was already ruined and that we did not like live up to her expectations the first night regardless we went to bed the reason I know about this also because her fiance called me and was like what's going on then I got woken up in the middle of the night at three o'clock in the morning by the bride

jumping on my bed. I was very confused because everyone was asleep. She pulled her pants down and peed all over my bed. I kid you not. I don't know what was going on. I still don't know if she was sleepwalking. I don't know. Then I asked one of the girlfriends if she took drugs because her eyes were all bloodshot. And who does that in the middle of the night unless you have a sleepwalking disorder, which she said she didn't. And she got mad at me, called me a bitch, called me every name in the book for saying that or accusing her that she took drugs, etc. Also, there was another girl on the trip so again there were seven of us that had a really bad anxiety disorder that I had no idea about she was like a last minute bookie and I spent the whole night with her from 6 a.m that

night to the next morning at the hospital at the place we were at getting morphine because she was just not doing well now then she called her fiance again and then got even more upset however now it gets worse because the second night we went out for dinner we were hiking all day about to go out for dinner and I said we need I need a nap I have a bladder condition myself it's a chronic pain issue I need 30 minutes for my body to recharge her comment was what kind of maid of honor are you now the last night we wanted to go out for another late dinner we did it was actually 1 30 or 2 o'clock in the morning and I said it's time for me to go back she told me to shut the fuck up I was the worst maid of honor and then this she I had ruined the trip so they won't go out with her

I understand she was drunk but what am I supposed to do now a few girls on the trip were super nice they understood where i was coming from however there was a few that quote said to me that we all ruined her trip she had the worst time ever you should be embarrassed that this is the bachelor that we had planned i'm obviously very hurt i'm very upset we had a very light flight it's now three o'clock in the morning and i'm just driving home and i'm just i'm very upset i wasn't thanked for anything i paid for all the ubers i am just very upset with the bride and i don't know again if this is trivial but am i wrong i'm tempted back out of the wedding party i know that this is fresh but damn please help me fuck fuck fuck fuck i'm i don't know i i would have left

after i got peed on i would have been done i would have kicked her in the head i would have like reflex wise like i would have i would have punched her and then i would have left and i would have stolen her credit card and i would have shit all over her clothes like not the last part because i can't control my poop like that i have ibs but like i'm sorry what the fuck this sounds like i don't even you can't even call this a bridezilla like what's the worst kind of like bride that ever existed probably casey anthony because this isn't even i don't think so but this isn't even at the wedding yet this is a bride's the bachelorette party i don't want to put any onus on you at all but like why are you friends with her like this is this to me i'm like a little

like the way that you're talking about this and what everyone is like your your reaction is not our reaction like this is fucking insane this is awful like and you pay for everybody's ubers you paid for you were taking care of people like and you're like questioning if you're doing something wrong no i would not be friends with this person ever again the reason why you're questioning if you did something wrong is because you you you are friends with this person like no blame at all but like this is this is uh this sounds and even the rest of the people like some of the people understood where you were coming from like there is this is so fucking obvious like this is so one side is doing their best and the other side is literally peeing on someone else like

you need to get out of this entire friend group you don't even need to ever text her again you need to you're back you're out of the wedding party you're not going to the wedding and you're never speaking to her again yeah and i can't like this just happened like you're driving home from this why are you so calm she peed on you like absolutely not absolutely not like she jump down the bed to wake you up so that she could pee on you did when i was in high school yeah uh my my advice is fuck her you're no longer friends with her anymore don't talk to her again don't text message her lock her on everything she might show up at your door or something because you are her friend she might wonder where you are actually yeah take that back because she'll

probably wonder where you are and then show up unannounced tell her write an email telling her everything that was wrong you could even play this call for her and then be like i'm done we're not friends anymore i don't want to be in this wedding party like fuck you end of story fuck yourself i just like need us all to agree as a community that nobody is accepting a friend who wakes you up in the middle of the night and pees on you out of anger like a dog nobody okay and then she was upset that you asked her if she was on drugs i'm in love with you this is not i'm not getting drugs from this and if if it is a drug thing like that i i she purposely peed on you like that that was intentional she came she sought you out got on your bed jumped on the bed

woke you up and peed on you and if you've had no other warning signs ahead of this and if you were spending time with her and it was just like suddenly like it was like a the middle of the night like difference if it just felt like a one-time instance like did she just like take acid because she was bored and then decide to like she's too aware of what she's doing now that's what i'm saying like it was such an intentional choice that i'm saying even if she took drugs to me that was like fuck all of you you're all going to sleep i'm having fun and then it's like when you get drunk and you're like let's do something crazy but like you want to do it and then she peed it like that's an intentional choice and she's not even the next

morning not even like i'm so mortified i'm so sorry i'm embarrassed no no she's standing she's sticking by it that's what makes me think that it's not drugs like this was intentional and she stuck by it usually when it's like drugs or alcohol something happens you're like i can't believe everything that i just did mortified about what just happened this was intentional and this is the her same mo the entire trip is just yelling at you and being an absolute asshole to you this isn't like a this is just the one time that involved pee i'm sorry i can't believe that some of your friends are just like well you know well you know but she did say that she didn't bring she didn't she didn't say anything about the peak she wondered if she

was sleepwalking sleepwalkers don't wake people up and then do something malicious they just go about things that they were already doing they could have peed but they wouldn't have climbed on top of a bed and peed on top of you i'm a sleepwalker like not so much anymore but it has to be and i think for a lot of people who don't have like a sleeping like a sleepwalking condition it has to be the right circumstance like i have to be super over oh god what's gonna happen i have to be super overtired and i have to be uh really anxious and i forget something i don't know something else like overwhelmed anxious and like then i just like as a kid used to walk around and say my lines before the school play like i would just say like repeat over them but it's not it

wasn't aggressive and it's like intentional to wake someone up like that is intent well that's a really deep level so there's like different levels of like sleepwalking or whatever and if you have like a sleep disorder that level of like physicality and aggression involving someone else and then but also having the wherewithal to know that you're waiting until that person wakes up that's that that's not it like that yeah that's a that's you're aware like that would be like a i don't know like a sleep state of like psychosis but you're like still somewhat aware but again like those are levels of things that like you would know that's not something that just like blows up as a one-time instance that like has suddenly happened that nobody knew was going to

happen and if that was the case she wouldn't have followed up the entire rest of the weekend being an absolute asshole yeah i cannot believe this and i also i say this with so much love you need so you need better friends because you're not freaking like this is so bad yeah like start over start over like cut everyone out this is like no victim blaming nothing on you at all but like you seem like a great person and i think that like you potentially have been accepting some shitty people like into your life and one after the other and like the people you're surrounded with like they're making you question something that is so blatantly obviously horrible and horrific and like despicable towards you so like not to therapize you i don't know if that's like

a sibling or a parent or someone who's like made you feel like it is your responsibility to be friends with people who treat you like shit or like that's what you deserve but like you start there and you the rest fucking fall because like this is unforgivable like disgusting so like so like i can't think of anything i think if you punch someone in the face it would be nicer than this like i think this is so disrespectful and like i can't ever i'm an i'm a bitch i never imagined doing this to someone and then on top of that she was calling and complaining to her fiance about everything that was happening so she was aware yeah and the entitlement if you even taken away the the entitlement of like here's the thing if you want to pay for your friend to like

their bachelorette party for sure but like why i don't stand by it is because of shit like this is because that like this bride has her expectation that everybody should be bending to her for her wedding that doesn't involve anyone else like no offense like it's like happy for you that's wonderful that's great but like this is about you and you want every other person to drop everything spend all this do all of this stuff for you but you have absolutely unrealistic standards because nobody cares as much about your own wedding as you do nobody does good or bad like like i'm like fuck the party favors fuck the floor like you don't you don't need to impress anybody because nobody i don't give a shit about your invitations in the nicest way possible send me a text message

i will not think less of you like so much of what we do for appearances literally truly that's what i mean though like the only person who cares about your wedding as much as you is you that's it and then you treat people like this i can't believe the other girls like well we ruined every no no i'm done i'm done with all these people regina george wouldn't even do this i would have left same use your money that you're wasting on all these ubers and got another hotel room until it was time to leave on your plane if you couldn't move your flight and my petty ass I would I would do everything you said send the email do all of that and I would cc or bcc her husband on it I would bcc her husband on it her fiance I don't think he cares because he she was calling him

the whole time no but I I think that you know he called you I don't know if he's like on the same level that she is but if he's involved and knows a little aspect of that then maybe if she tries to show up he will be like let's not do that yeah and include the part about peeing yeah this might be the worst bride of all time yeah like sleep with his brother like a normal like messy fucking television show like sleep with a bartender like whatever happened to forgetting sarah marshall what is this this is like jackass yeah all right if you're watching the video things have changed but if you're listening nothing has yeah there are times a charm when we can't stress enough how many hours we have been recording a podcast that you're only hearing in total of both between

the two podcasts you're hearing less than three hours i think we might be close to three okay but am i wrong was long and we were about on like hour 10 for don't blame me okay so you're hearing about three hours of how long have we been talking we started at 11 24 as you said a.m and now it is 4 45 p.m we also like took i just because we were going so long i had to stop You pushed a call and then had to push. Then you're like, okay, the time I pushed it to is now. Yeah. So we had to stop again so I could take this call and then hop back in to finish the episode out.

So if you're watching the video, you will see that my lighting has gotten phenomenal. I am also squinting because the sun is just coming for me. I don't think we've ever recorded this. We've done virtual pandemic wise. We've never recorded this late. I think in person we definitely have. because there have been times when we used to close down the office remember we thought we could do three episodes in a day i mean they came out but they did but like i know people don't

think that this stuff is like but i can't explain to you what talking for that many hours does to your brain cells they melt i wasn't even i don't think i was even on the mic during those i might have been on the bike with no camera at the time but i was there and i can't even imagine it would get to the point where your mouth would get sticky you remember that yeah i get my cotton mouth my mouth would literally be like stick like and i'd be like and no matter how much water i drank it would just stay okay anyway we're doing it all over again okay it's time for don't blame them this is where a listener calls in with their own advice from a call we played on the previous episode not the previous episode a previous episode yeah this was this episode was a minute

to go. But great advice. Here we go. Hi, I'm calling for a don't blame them for the insecure bottom call. First, I would like to say you are a great storyteller. And that was the most heart wrenching story about anal sex I've ever heard. And I wanted to call in with my own experiences obviously I'm not a gay man but I have attempted anal and I do have a partner who was like really interested in anal when we started dating and I just had a really negative experience I literally passed out the first time I ever had anal and it just was like scary so I had to have that conversation with him like I know this is something you're really into but it's just something I can never do I know it's a little bit different for me because obviously we can still have

penetrative sex but my advice for you regarding the penetrative sex aspect is maybe to bring in some toys because I know there are toys that can kind of mimic penetrative sex and maybe incorporating that into your routine might help you with like that desire for it that isn't being met. The other advice I had was that I really agreed with Megan and Melissa about how like you shouldn't worry too much about the rest of your life because you're really enjoying your time with this person right now both of you can definitely reevaluate this situation later down the road and come to different conclusions he might decide he really wants to try again and it might happen like two years from now or you might decide like you know I don't want to do this anymore but it's okay you don't have

to decide that now and that was something I had like a really hard time with when I got into my current relationship coming out of a really long-term relationship because I felt like is this what I want for five years since I just got out of this really long relationship but you don't always need to commit to that you're just committing to today and tomorrow you're not married yet like you're just committing to right now and you can change your mind at any time but if you feel like you want to be with him right now that's okay I just would continue to have the conversations you guys are having it seems like you're really open and continue to support him but also evaluate where you stand with your boundaries and your needs bye hope that helps

she passed out i've heard that actually a lot that yeah like that to me i've never heard that but that fully checks out that usually happens if you haven't like worked your butthole up for a dick like you're not using toys to expand and because it's a kind of like a rubber band you gotta use smaller things and then work yourself up to the dick can i just tell you what went through my mind so you know more than anybody that i am a fainter and so it's the my doctor always says it's the fight flight or play dead and we all have all of those except for me my body wants to play dead i just that's what my automatically goes to some people's bodies favor more or less and so i just spit laughing one of the things that like he said that like triggers

mine specifically is why i don't have as much of an issue with shots i have more of an issue of like getting my blood taken but like that's just it and he's like it's your body's response to like a foreign object depleting you and in my mind that's exactly what it is well a dick is it is for an object and that would make me pass out so i think cycle lot like in that categories of how he describes that like that makes sense yeah ow dude great advice wonderful advice we have a lot i'm saying we have a lot of anal people in our facebook group like anytime someone brings up anal like i don't necessarily know if we have a large population of people who regularly or have practice anal but we have how whatever the numbers are those people are very willing and able to

offer insight so if you've ever had questions about anal head on over to our facebook group because you could probably just search anal uh sorry but we haven't let people in a while so if you're not in the group i meant if you're in it yes then sorry we're probably at some point going to we're on um hiatus until the summertime yes and then we'll open it back up but we're going to restart it yeah okay anal sex that's it thank you for listening to this episode if you enjoyed oh and also maybe thank you for watching you can watch it over on patreon we also do live streams there we have a one dollar tier a five dollar tier you can help us support the show see our facial reactions especially in the piss call because the jaws the jaws dropped what's

that tiktok noise excuse me but do you drop this my jaw so we love when you support that if you want to leave a review on the podcast app we would appreciate it let's read a review okay all right so this is from kina or kina not sure how to pronounce your name and it says so for me exclamation mark exclamation mark five stars i never been one to like podcasts but something told me to listen to this one and it changed my whole way of life i look forward to mondays now because of these women love y'all heart emoji party hat emoji and champagne emoji is that is that a party hat yeah that's like a party hat with streamers coming out right i thought it was like a confetti but like actually to be fair i don't really know what i thought it was

i don't know well we appreciate your review thank you so much we love it this is sponsored by michael moore and the liberal agenda oh it is called the party popper emoji so i guess you're right that just doesn't know the shape of party that is the shape of a party hat not a party party popper yeah that is it for this episode head on over to our instagram make sure you're following comment on our last instagram post what is like the worst bridezilla thing you've ever heard of i want to know because like i feel like nothing can beat this i don't think anything can top this unless your bridesmaid literally on your bachelorette party slept with your fiance and then they both peed on you there you go like the pee is like that's the part that's so

bad maybe if someone did like a cannibalism on their bachelorette party or they like murdered people yeah i don't know like a west world theme yeah i could see that purge maybe someone went and stormed the capitalist i still don't think that's worse than the peak technically she could press charges but like there's really not like what can you do like the people that storm the capital there's like like they're gonna be in jail the fbi doesn't care that she peed on you and that's that is like a national crisis i guess it could be like i mean it is bodily fluid so there is some type of charge that you could bring against her but you don't want to do that do you no also because it shouldn't

be but it also still feels embarrassing when you are on the other end of it yeah because it's degraded i got peed on and not like in a sexual way i'm never gonna be over that i've been watching the l word for pants podcast and there's a scene where they like it's like a sexual thing where one person is sitting on the toilet and peeing but then the other person like gets on top of them and then pees do they both make it into the bowl yeah effective yeah but it's like sexual like it's like the stream is hitting her clit and they're like into it huh yeah okay can we just also talk about if i had a piss king or someone had a piss king i pee for so long you do have the longest pee you could really that could maybe that could be your

money maker your peas like i pee for a long time but like and i've always been kind of like sorry guys i'm gonna be peeing for a long time but peeing next to you is like twice as long as mine and mine is already long so we found my two niches it is like the healthy form of necrophilia because of my feet i have corpse feet and i have like an incredibly long piss wow i really need to get into this i need to like utilize my talents yeah you really do oh okay everyone thanks for sticking by us with this funny episode we'll see you next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by

melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso