Don't Blame Me! - To Know The Penis Is to Know Thy Penis

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

Apparently it's Judd Apatow's. + Met Gala reviews continued. Follow along with us: https://www.vogue.com/slideshow/met-gala-2023-red-carpet-live-celebrity-fashion Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello beautiful megan just perfection i know it's it's alarming and earth-shattering just how talented i am like every day i wake up and i'm shocked awake by my own talent like it just radiates out of my fingertips and i'm like oh my gosh what what magic am i gonna create today And one time in like 2018, you told me that you could carry a tune. I can't. And I still have not heard it. Well, because here's the thing. You got to keep some mystery.

And as someone who word vomits and constantly over shares, I got to keep some air of mystery. But for me, your dear, dear friend. i you know i gotta keep things exciting for for especially actually i have to keep things especially exciting for our relationship because i talk to you the more than i talk to anybody else you're just edging me gotta keep things fresh funky and fresh oh well welcome to see you next tuesday it is tuesday and the day we're recording this is the tuesday after the first monday in may which is the gala of the met oh i thought we were gonna go into some NSYNC justin timberlake it's gonna be me oh yeah that one that man that beautiful sexy

man that can just dance all over my heart and sing a little diddly-do diddy you know i will say i did see him act in something the thing i mentioned last week and i was like i hate this man but he's nailing this part phenomenal his part in pop star oh yeah was so good oh there was one part of pop star that i've been waiting to talk to you about for years and then last week when you brought it up i forgot while we were recording never stop never stopping melissa how the biggest jump scare of the movie think about it carrie no no no pharrell no i'm surprised that this didn't alarm you and you didn't talk about it later oh justin timberlake in the furry costume no because that was my two of my worst fears combined

no what was it the penis on the window melissa i blocked it out of my memory when it started i went no no and i just kept screaming no at the tv i ripped my glasses off and i was like why would they do this and monster's dying of laughter i'm like it's not funny this is i i i can't believe you reminded me that it happened Like, I literally was, like, painting the whole picture of the movie in my head. Like, I had removed that from the archives of my brain. You know what the – I just – I don't think it's a prosthetic penis.

Do you? I think that in the commentary of the movie, they say it's a prosthetic penis. But a lot of the time, they'll say it's a prosthetic – because they didn't have the proper person on set. Yeah. I think it was real, but they said it was fake. Me too. A lot of the time, especially when it's in like a close-up,

those aren't prosthetics. Usually a prosthetic you can get away with from a wide, it's the same thing as like a not real weapon, like, you know, prop weapon. But the real ones, the up close, and that was a close shot, and the person's head wasn't included, which is pretty much...

Exactly, so it could be any penis. it's pretty much the guarantee of um when you have to pick a body double for someone if someone's trying to be nude you literally just get a book of printed photos of someone's naked body parts to be like okay which one do you want to be your naked body so someone is walking around on this earth knowing that they are the penis from pop star and i wonder if that's something that they're taking to the grave or if it's something that's like in their tinder profile i think it's not it's neither i don't think they take it to the grave but i don't think it's in their tinder profile i think that it's something that they're like

yeah you know after they know you for like two months i'm cut my i have kind of like a famous penis i'm sorry that's actually like a flex like it is oh my god like especially if you can like sit on it for that because like if you're just like telling me that like there's like video footage of your penis out there and you're like like you just want people to go look at it and now i don't i want to know the person behind the penis before i know the penis exactly and then later on yeah that if you're a professional penis person and you didn't have your face in it i think that you know that's something that you you save yeah you you value the fact that some people meet you penis first and some people meet you person first but they're never going to

meet the penis before the person knowing both parties yep and then if they haven't seen your penis yet they'll be like no way and then you're like no it's really me and then you show it because it was a good penis it was a penis yeah to know the penis is to know thy penis right an ancient proverb to know thy penis it's okay i'm just writing that down in case i'm gonna make a graphic i was already like episode title yeah um because we can say penis it's not a you can say like actual penis you can't say i mean you can say dick if it's like a name but you can you can say penis because you're not using a derogatory name no penis is a medical term it's uh uh anatomically correct shaft penis testicle testicular

sack you cannot do sack you can't say word sack no in the context it depends on the context but if you're like they rub my sack in my face no but you rub my testicles in the face yes yep wow a grammar lesson in um podcast advertising for everybody one of those little clips that i gave you phil they've all been sitting here they're a fun little toy to play yeah i use them to squeeze on my fingers and stuff it's like a fidget toy yep i saw someone has for kids they've created clothing melissa did you see it too fucking 10 20 minutes an hour before we started recording yeah it's so cool like it's it's like true sensory inclusive clothing of like they've got some that's a little tight so it feels

like a hug they've got like the pockets have things in them so if you want to play with them there's different textures all over the the clothing so yeah yeah no tags and a lot of it's like no zippers like magnet closure that's like very small and then the thing that like a hood that is like audio reducing and then like a mask that pulls down to cover your eyes it's i was like and where are these for adults because like yeah no truly if i could have some for if i go into a pitch and i can have something in my pocket and because i also sweat excessively so i found some company that does sweat proof like uh adult clothing and so if i could have like that as the business shirt that i have on and then like a blazer or something that has stuff in

the pockets or i don't know something something like that then do you know how much i would make my powerful you would be yes yeah no it's they need to give this for adults yeah government fund it you want us to be more productive members of society give us fidget toys built into our clothes yeah because even like i was like okay now that most pitches are virtual i'll be better no i'm covered in sweat from neck down after and i'm sitting there grabbing at the pant grabbing at my pants and stuff and it's just yeah i could use something like that squishy things do you like slime i have i i don't like here's the thing because it's needing to touch something but also germs and slime holds so much germ so many germs and i can't sanitize it so i do have hold

let me i'll show you i don't know if you've seen me play with it there's my phone i just keep dropping shit i have this thing for y'all that can't see it looks like like plastic spaghetti and i play with this and it has kind of the consistent because it's like gooey so it feels like slime without being sliming you can wash it nice mine is uh i i pick all my split ends off and i don't know what happened to my hands but all the skin on my a lot of the skin on my hands are peeling off i think i might have accidentally touched some cleaning supplies to them that you didn't dilute no i think i just forgot to put gloves on um so who knows but i i understand the need for for the the little thingamabobbers and the

fidgeties the fidgeties well that was incredibly long and very necessary lead-in because we walked away from it as two modern day philosophers with the with the uh the the the age old what's it called adage idiom what are the other like uh like a phrase you live by adage adage okay that's one um to know thy penis so all of that to say we thought it would be fun instead of recapping our weekends because i had an awful weekend and i don't want to talk about it. I'm living like a gremlin, uh, writing and I'm just like burrowed in and my house is disgusting. You say you want to record virtually. I was going to say, I was going to tell you that anyway. Cause I wasn't going to even let you ask. Yeah. Cause I, I'm like, I just,

I haven't been cooking. So I've just been ordering and I just live in like a gremlin. Cause I'm like any other, any free moment I have, I'm writing. Yeah. We're in a different, different uh different instigators but we're both in the surviving and getting through so the the the fun and the the other aspects have been kicked to the side and so like the mature adults we are we're going to just have some perfect escapism which is nothing is as perfect to escape in your own life with the ultra rich celebrities at the most exclusive event honoring one of the worst people in fashion's history the met gala uh um i just want to start with who i already think is the who i thought was the best dress and they just came across like when i was

on the internet and um i'm not even seeing them in this why where are they where is this not everyone i thought i grabbed oh this is the best dress i oh let me i sent the thing is that they should be at the top of the fucking list and the fact that i'm still scrolling and i have not seen them yet is a problem where is he he's not how did they not put him on the list is it uh a man or someone who you is it a cis man yes cis men don't usually make the cut for their best people's the best dressed and i think it's because a fuck ton of cis men don't do any outfits and then well there are some who literally go above and beyond and then because everyone just ignores the men you don't see them well i would like to talk about this man the perfection that is him

it is brian tyree henry did you see his outfit fantastic um uh you know i gotta say this might be his year because name checked in affidavit elementary uh-huh and on given the diamond from the diamond herself of the the best diamond dressed of the met gala have you seen it i'm looking up is it brian with a y or a i of course nice brian austin green oh wow oh this is gorgeous he looks so regal yeah i really like the silhouette of the coat i think that yeah no that coat silhouette put it on rihanna put it on billy porter like that's a really like that's a like that's a main character right coat like it's commanding regal you're right it's definitely the right word also you know who does not get any credit and they

should men's glam whoever did his glam yeah it like it's they the glam is very good okay so i wholeheartedly agree with that i think a travesty for not being on the best dress list i sent you a new one for the see every red carpet one so if anyone wants to follow along uh it's vogue met gala 2023 red carpet see every celebrity look outfit and dress from last night i think we'll just like run through some of our favorites we don't have to do all of them but we can just run through and do like a quick love hate into it um and if anyone has not looked into carl lagerfeld like awful human beings just know that like carl when carl left this earth carl made sure that no group of people was untouched by his deep-seated hate so

it's equal opportunity hater across the fucking board across the board so um yeah and there's a lot of like little nuances and like fuck yous to carl which i think is hilarious um but first in this one is Rihanna and A$AP Rocky which might the video of her when she comes in and someone goes you're late and she goes I fucking know I was like okay I I enjoyed her look I'm more I enjoyed his look more I don't like the jeans with his look I I think he looks like Lizzie McGuire like I kind of like I'm like obsessed with like it's like giving Freaky Friday like it's it's 2000s where it's like why is kelly clarkson wearing a dress over jeans when she's on american idol and i'm like bring it back next up cardi b wow i love cardi b's i like

really fucking love this i love the tie the hair she looks like storm meets problematic man but like gorgeous yeah did she get new veneers i don't know but people have been saying things they look like that those guys she looks great yeah jenna ortega i think she looks like a lol doll in a good way i see that you know what i mean like i like it a lot yeah it's a good look pedro pascal in valentino's daddy so i saw a tweet of someone saying this man did this in hopes to get to have teenagers across the world develop the ick like it's just like trying to like fend off all of it and i have to say the long shorts and the high socks like it's not bad but you know how i feel about a thigh and i like a short short i like a short short too i think this

is in response to someone who was reading thirsty tweets or something and somebody talked about his slutty little kneecap and i think this is the response to it to this because he's covering his thigh and then covering his calves and we just see his slutty little kneecap out no this is this is a kneecap heavy outfit and now that i know that there is there's there's a kneecap conversation i see the intent behind it and i just snapped to valentino for understanding that vision yes oh gg hadid this is also giving me lol doll like bratz doll kind of vibe um i don't like the shoe but i like everything else i i like it i think i like i like i actually like i'm i'm pleasantly surprised by

almost all of it because i think tool can get kind of halloweeny but i like it i like i think that's why i don't like the shoe because it looks like something from halloween town okay so i just don't i just need you to know the tweet that i saw kendall jenner looks like she's about to pull bad bunny out of a hat like a top hat like a magician people know that i'm like a mark jacobs stand but i'm anti them so the next view i have no comment on i just don't know why we're bringing back the lolita boots yeah we're skipping anne hathaway and we're not skipping anne hathaway but we're skipping the person after kendall uh that's not fran drescher

like it doesn't look like fran no no but like the hair the outfit like that is the like that's like nanny core and like that is the number one compliment and goal that I have with fashion like I think that's the highest compliment you can receive it's like not like oh this looks like couture it's like no no this is nanny core like now that I think about it Fran Drescher should have been in the new Barbie movie oh wow fantastic call Melissa fantastic call who do we need to call to make that happen we're doing reshoots I mean she is the president of SAG so yeah so we should look at her statements on the writer's strike before we well the writer's strike fine with because she's part of the WGA too but okay she is okay but she

does have controversial opinions on science science vaccines uh-huh I will say I do have a bit of sympathy for her for some things that she's gone through totally I also will say like if you turn out fantastic looks I will be nicer to you like if you're gonna be a raging awful if you're gonna be not a raging if you're gonna be just like a baseline like low anti-vaxxer in a low-key manner you should you should have something to stand on to make me look at you and go well you did give us some gorgeous outfits and you're a very talented actor very talented she was one of the biggest reasons i got into entertainment but uh i mean she is vaccinated she is a hardcore democrat and has been her whole life but she just something happened in her life that changed which

i do have sympathy for but she just doesn't she thinks people you know yeah it's okay if you're not vaccinated and has let out some strong opinions on that yeah yep yep yep yep yep yep um but anne hathaway gorgeous i'm a fan of this whole thing i'm obsessed and i saw a tweet about like someone had done like rihanna wearing x amount of jewels like millions of dollars worth of jewels and someone tweeted being like anne hathaway has an opportunity to do the funniest bit tonight oh yeah i know yeah i need all of those or maybe it was anne hathaway wait no who stole anne hathaway was the one that stole it but yeah right but rihanna was the one that did the computer programming and stuff so i wish that they all all the members of the group

the squash i hope they did a bit about this because it'd be really good it took place at the met gala exactly then we have i don't really care about donald keep going do you care about no okay doja cat in oscar de la renta melissa came dressed as a cat and she did an interview with emma chamberlain where emma was asking her questions and she just meowed for five minutes straight and it was i love a bit and it was so fucking good and the best part of all of this is that this like hyper realism it's done by oscar de la renta and this obviously but this hyper realism and thing was like scaparelli's like big fucking thing and coco chanel who was like really made carl lagerfeld hated and had like the biggest rivalry with scaparelli like

hated so fucking much and to this day scaparelli is like doing things that is everyone's talking about one of the hottest runway tickets to go to like everything's gorgeous everything's crazy it's cool it's so different nothing you've seen before and chanel is still doing tweed and so this is very much like an ode to that hyper realism that coco chanel hated and carl would have goddamn fucking hated especially because carl's obsessed with his cat and not only is doja making us like is it a scaparelli reference but it's also like making fun of his cat and also her name is doja cat yeah like there's no better perfect person and it's gorgeous love it obsessed i love the fluffiness at the bottom i love the makeup great job all around

salma hayek it's cute but it's not giving like it's this is very halloweeny to me with the textures but she's gorgeous yeah little nas x in dior i love how i just saw a quick snippet of him and I knew exactly who it was without even trying you know like I was like oh there's Lil Nas

it wasn't like a shock I was like there's Lil Nas or not even like who's that it's like when Kim did the whole like silhouette and everyone's like

everyone would know it's Kim Kardashian I go no no no paint this boy in silver and I go I know that Tin Man anywhere yes

I love it I love it love it I love it the shoes the jewels all over his body yeah great

I love it well done skipping skipping not doing anything whatever i love aubrey plaza i don't expect her to dress up in like costumey thing this is fine it's fine um yeah you know it's not anything that she wouldn't wear to a any other event but yeah it's her like it's not her personality to do more no she's not she's not gonna try she's never gonna try hard in the best way possible uh-huh i liked bad bunny shock moose um i thought it was i thought that this looks like he should have been paired with rihanna though yeah do you know what i mean yeah

they look like they do go together yeah and i don't have any issue with that it's just in the sense that like i there's a level of like reference that people are doing that like where is the prom facebook groups for the met gala for the designers like i'm sorry you can't show up to my prom because i've already claimed this dress through the boutique i bought it from and i'm posting and they're not gonna sell it to someone from my high school so like why have you all not figured this shit out yet we were 16 and running this shit tight as fuck yeah so like i would just be to get my own dress that's what i mean like vintage and how hard it was when you got some of those vintage and you're like i have to post it every week so everybody's reminded

because no boutique boutique is going to stop you because there's not going to be a second one unless you find it in your grandmother's closet right billy eilish in simone rocha i really like simone rocha um and i really like this for her this is like a less costumey um and more Billie Eilish-y version of Gigi Hadid's to me. This looks so costuming to me, though. Really? Yes. I think that's the opposite.

It's opposite for me in those. I think, I will say, I think for hers, did you see any video of it? Yeah. I think it looks a lot better. I think tulle in general looks a lot better in video than it does in photo because if it's fitted really well, then it looks more expensive. But I like this one a lot. but I'm not a fan of the all black in general.

I don't think it's like cost in the same way that you thought that Selma Hayek look like. Yes. It's like a superhero. This is Halloween. Yeah. That makes sense. I think she'll,

I love her glam though. And her hair. And we've got Olivia Rodrigo. I like in theory, if it was a different color scheme, i would really like it i like tom brown um i don't i mean this is like a just a chanel and carl complaint i don't love just like the plain black and white to me it's like so boring but i do like that the the hair and makeup everything feels betty boop

yes it feels betty boop uh i love the bang i love the little grown hairs i would say baby hairs but those are adult hairs the yeah those hairs have had their first period yeah um yeah she i think i think i i love the glam i don't love from the chest down i also would like to say um why hasn't the mac ala gotten a partnership with the dyson for vacuuming a cordless carpet it shouldn't it shouldn't even be a dyson it just should be a rumba just like going around this is first of all there's there's a cockroach running amok up those stairs but the dirt at least edit it out bradley cooper no effort oh my god why is he giving rob low hair from

i don't like their facial hair too no it's very like uh um who's the scientologist tom cruise tom cruise you want to know what we lost another one melissa do you know who i found out was a scientologist today from a tiktok so a clearly a very reliable source who chloe feinman we've talked about this before oh i had no idea i thought we have talked about this before when we were talking because that's the one that's from marin right or something yeah i thought when we had that conversation we talked about that no but it makes the fact that she's from marin marin adjacent and then as soon as like i don't think i would have immediately believed it except i knew where she was from and i was like oh even if it's not scientology it's an adjacent cult like yeah

i had no idea i didn't know i guess i don't know i thought i thought for sure we talked about it maybe we didn't i just wasn't as familiar with her as i am now that could be it giselle i like the jacket or the cape i don't know what it is okay i'm not a fan of the dress 100 wholeheartedly agree i like that the cape is uh emulating victoria's secret wings without you know and and she's free exactly so i like that but yeah the dress in itself is like a very inappropriate mother uh mother-in-law at the wedding where she hates her daughter-in-law would wear yes p davidson i'm not gonna lie i low-key love it i think that he is perfectly on theme i don't love it but it's him like he did what he would be doing yeah i like his street

style yes it makes sense for him yeah it feels like him next is priyanka chopra jonas and nick Jonas and they're they're just they're fine they're on theme that's what I'll say yeah I like her hair um you can't even say that uh then we have Cara Delevingne which Cara Delevingne is Karl Lagerfeld's muse and so I'm not going to sing the praises of any of the fashion in this because that's a relationship and a love that I'm like no but I'm very happy to see Cara Delevingne thriving thriving and doing really well and it seems to be and has expressively explicitly said that they are doing well and very happy so i like their hair and i like the thigh high whatever that thing is do you think mary j blige saw those and went put those in my arsenal they're not connecting

though no but maybe her maybe her stylist was like what about this like one more mary j has to have closed closed tote shoes to do her uh signature dance moves that's true so i don't think that that it that it it quite fits in but you know her stylist is frothing at the mouth hoping yeah that we could do something like maybe a leg warmer she's like no no oh i didn't see lizzo's i didn't either i like lizzo's hands gloves kind of thing hand jewelry yeah i really like that and i like her shoes a lot i love the silhouette of the whole dress i think that's like really pretty and also i i also really like the hand warmer hand glove thing earrings gorgeous glam gorgeous hair gorgeous bangs bangs aren't in the same category with hair bangs are the

beyonce bangs that you showed me uh those are longer than those beyonce bangs yeah but did you it is the same did you watch the video I sent you of Kiki talk about yes unless I died I died like these bangs are related to those bangs

and in both cases I'm not I'm not gonna speak ill I'm moving along uh I for some reason I thought they weren't together anymore i don't know why it's a big little lies effect nicole kidman and keith urban wait keith urban i just i'm telling you right now he looks like a penguin and these flared pants like i'm

low-key loving it like keith urban looks like he's ready to like conduct a choir and this is a thing where people you know dress for the person he wears flared jeans so this is his style i think i'm i love it i really like it i'm i'm fine with it i like the train of her dress i don't think the shoes go but um i like i as a whole i like it don't love it fair um i think l fanning looks pretty but i don't have much to say i think it's like very interesting and cool i love vivian westwood i do think that that was the biggest oversight that that wasn't the theme this year um i mean we're only on number 25 out of 209 so oh god okay we're not going to get to all of this we've already been talking for 30 minutes but maybe we'll

we'll start the conversation on a fisting friday that's a good idea okay but we can close it out here um maybe do a quick scroll through if there's anybody you want to highlight um one of my favorites uh young miami what number is she 42 it the silhouette the like everything of it it's just oh this is phenomenal melissa i'm obsessed with it like the video of her walking in i was like jaw dropped like it's doing what everyone like it's like everybody else was trying to cheat on a test and this was the person who was doing this person was acing the test and everybody's trying to cheat but nobody has their glasses on and so it's like oh we've been we're trying to get closer we're doing like the pearls we're doing the draping we're doing the line work

we're doing the tool and it's like oh no this is this is the bar it's gorgeous and she walked in with Diddy and them together it was they were taking up it was the the the uh the birth a wide birth on both their outfits I have a lot of um anger towards Diddy and him ruining a lot of my favorite groups of the early aughts but um he looks phenomenal I know and that coat yeah cape whatever it is that i they they're they they are unless i've missed anyone as a couple and a duo they were by far my best dressed he this is this is a really good look for him like i rarely say this about this man because again i have he's one of my enemies but his hair looks great his facial hair looks great the whole outfit the even the sunglasses like it worked into this the earrings

the jewelry like it's all it's I think I've never looked at him no offense to him like there are times where I'm like I can totally see how this outfit you've worn has like changed style evolution and like this has been a prominent for some other people but like for personal taste and like this I've never felt that like I'm like oh okay a fashion boy now like this is this is like really good yeah and i think he wears it like it would look amazing on anyone but i think he wears it really fucking well yeah um if we go down to 48 just because we started well we we were talking about mary j before mary j came in with the with the thigh high boot oh wow shocker shocking titties up and proud another shocker thigh strip looks great i love it mary j this is i would not

expect any more or less from her i think her stylist has been quoted saying like marriage she likes to look like mary j like she has a uniform and i like the uniform i also love a thigh high boot yeah great i hope she hit one of her dance moves um and i just want to end end with uh number 41 i know you skipped over it but i would like to talk about it i'm scrolling no i don't want to jared leto who was a enemy enemy of the show and then me of of life the other than one of the my personal enemies of the show he is dressed just like carl's cat like when i say dressed i mean he is in a full furry costume and the face is so realistic on this cat and then also his face is made in the same way that the cat

is as in i mean they put a lot of blue eyeshadow around his actual eyes to make him look like this cat and he's holding his two fingers in the cat's nose so it looks like the cat nose did you notice that no i hate it and then he took off his costume if you scroll up the when he takes off the cat outfit he's dressed in something that's pretty basic but big fan of this cat this is the only cat that i'll ever say that i like i hate this man i hate the cat i hate cats i hate furries like jared leto heard me talk about talk shit on him on the podcast and was like how can i personally make her life hell this was a personal attack and i hated every moment of it i hated it so much so so much and to end on a fantastic note scrolling right up from that 39

kiki mother palmer i love the whole silhouette the hair great i love the hair this is why didn't you put her in the barbie movie this is giving like millennium barbie or like one of the ones at the end of the year that you keep in the box because it's like so perfect and quaffed like it's gorgeous i love the train i love her glam i love the skin i love the earrings specifically those hot pink ones um and i think she looks stunning bestie of the pod close personal friend of the podcast and every day closer and closer all right well that's where we'll end it if you didn't listen to fisting friday previously last friday we hit up a few more and yeah those are our thoughts we will see you next tuesday goodbye