Don't Blame Me! - Trainer Set Me Up With His Brother-In-Law

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Found out dad is cheating on mom Keeping a sex buddy casual Irresponsible grandmother Don't Blame Them: Drinking when you turn 21 Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. hello everybody welcome to another episode of don't blame me yeah yeah and guess what we're

together again and you need to watch the video because melissa looks like bella swan up top carrie washington what's her character olivia pope olivia pope on the bottom we've got some you can't see i'm gonna sit like this the whole episode can't tell can't tell me shit you can't They can't see any of it. You're making stories up. I have no clue what you're talking about. Are you calling me a liar? I didn't say that.

A liar who lies? I say you're making stuff up. Wow. We're starting this episode with the biggest vibe we've ever had. Anyways, we're back. We're so happy to be back in person with each other. Hi. I'm staring at you and your beautiful blue eyes.

They look a little gray today, though. Thanks. It's not like a... I'm just saying. I know. I don't know. sometimes they're like fucking logic sometimes they're bright i know like why is it like are they like a mood ring like i'm i've been thinking about that like i'll watch some videos of mine i'm

like what the fuck are your eyes so blue and other times i'm like what color they're gray like and i'm wearing blue i know when you think it make it pop i know interesting sometimes this does like i don't i don't know they look bluer earlier today maybe it's tiredness i don't i don't think that's right ring yeah i don't know i also wanted to say it's because i need to wash my hair that was my gut instinct but i don't know how that i'm gonna strongly disagree well that's your prerogative and my prerogative is to live in delusion literally that's that's my favorite favorite thing to do favorite state of mind honestly yeah so welcome back to the podcast we're gonna give you some wonderful amazing life-changing advice and you might be wondering

how are you qualified to give such advice one bitch with gray eyes the other in a flannel and i'm saying exactly that who doesn't want advice from us i bought this shirt specifically for a 90s party no that's the funniest part of this and like i just want to know why i'm roasting i assumed this wasn't yours or you had bought it for like a hoedown rap party or anything themed yeah i don't even know in any iteration of you it's definitely oh because it feels like it's from target make it being from express from target is a little more on brand for you yeah anyways i already told you we're gonna give you advice but if you want to watch this and you want to watch us give advice and you want to watch the flannel in question and you should uh join our

patreon it's a dollar a month you can watch the video version we also have our other podcast on thursday but am i wrong and you can watch that as well you pay a little extra more and then a little more you can come to live streams and hey none of it's more than seven dollars the live streams are a good time they're a great time melissa has blacked out in the last one when she was like you should talk about this and i'm like which we literally talked about last year i have no recollection of it none and i would say i would go back and find it to see what i was doing but those things last like two and three hours so no yeah the last one that we recorded um i slowly devolved or evolved depending on your preference into a character from the sound of music

specifically i looked like a nun oh yes yes i was wearing a scarf and it just started it migrated to as a head onto my head to be nice and warm for the ears and um it was definitely a look and showed me that i don't think that a nun aesthetically nor religiously makes a lot of sense for my life i thought it worked for you i really did that's nice my dad would kill me yes you probably would drudge out some old trauma for him yeah i you know i would have to go and like avenge it would i would have to be an undercover nun nunder cover none that's like really catchy nunder cover what are you doing nunder business so if people want to call in for this show what do they do megan well you can call in

and leave a voicemail at 310-694-0976 or for an international listener or viewer sorry offensive as fuck i am about to start watching the new season of love island and i will get better right now i spoke right ahead and never in my life have i heard of anyone using the titanic as a fucking reference for a british accent that was like first of all you sounded like mary poppins like that was very all right my love that was it took me

I didn't know for years that that was he was trying to be British I was like that was I did a good impression of him though no you should have been

has to say Dick Van Dyke right no clue Dick Van Dyke what was the chimney sweep oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah did I say sound of music

Mary Poppins and that is exactly how the guy who yells iceberg in the Titanic sounds mm-hmm And that is what you sounded like. So great job.

I knew exactly what you're saying, but I've never heard anybody use that as like a British accent reference. So if you're an international listener, all of that being said, you can send us a voice memo at meganpodcasts at gmail.com for both the voicemail and the voice memo.

You have to keep it under three minutes to do that. We recommend that you write it all down. Everything that you want to say include ages. It's all anonymous. So don't include your name and let us know the story, what's going on if there's other people involved what their ages are if it's about a relationship how long you've been together like all of the very important details that will factor into the advice

that we give you and how we understand your situation you also to be 18 or over have your parents permission if you would like to include pronouns please feel free to do so and oh i said write it down and then time yourself and practice and then when you call or record the voice memo just read it like this is your this is your performance of a lifetime a moment like this this was a solo time i'm just no from justin to kelly she's fantastic i love her let's get her on the podcast kelly i drew barrymore too yeah i want a crossover i know that they don't do daytime crossover episodes oprah and uh ellen used to go on each other's shows that's true but i kind of want it like you know the crossover of new girl and brooklyn 99 i want it with

drew barrymore kelly clarkson and jennifer hudson it'll be a great time give me a round table of them yeah they should do a hollywood reporter daytime thing they probably have one in the works i feel like it but i want no offense to the like og daytime women like i want i want the people who are celebrities who then started doing it like that seems it's a specific topic yeah hollywood reporter make that happen thank you i know y'all listen i'm free for a job whenever okay what's the hollywood reporter gonna do you know people they have lots of emails they had to coordinate all of the shoots. I could die for that address book. Yeah. Hello. That's true. So should we get into the episode? Let's do it. Roll the tapes. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm a longtime listener and

first time caller. I'm 19 years old and use she her pronouns. This past summer, I had a suspicion that my dad was cheating on my mom. I had noticed him texting a woman and being on his phone a lot more than normal. I found her Instagram page via who he follows to figure out who she was. she lives in the same state that my dad had been traveling to for months at a time for work and she has kids of her own as well within a week of me making this realization this woman followed my tiktok page which i found really odd he was out of town at the time i'm assuming with her so i texted him a message explaining to him my suspicion and telling him to tell me the truth he denied everything and told me that he would never cheat on my mom later that week when he

came home, he confronted me and told me once again that there was nothing happening. I still didn't believe him and I let my brother know what I was thinking. I ended up logging into my dad's Instagram account and finding DMs verifying that what he was in fact cheating on my mom with this woman. I took pictures of the messages and sent them to my brother. My brother texted my dad letting him know that we know the truth and basically telling him to fuck off. This was all in August right before my brother and I both left for college. It was awkward being in the house with my dad and we had very limited conversation other than my dad telling me that he promised he would let my mom know and that he unfollowed this woman on Instagram. Since then, we have all acted like

normal to protect my little sister. It is now January and the other day I found out that this woman is still viewing my TikTok account, which freaks me out. I also found out my dad re-followed her on Instagram. I know for a fact that he has not told my mom and I feel like she deserves to know. So should I tell her? Should I have another conversation with my dad? I really need some advice because I don't want my mom to be continually disrespected. Thank you guys in advance for your advice. I love your podcast so much. Thank you. First, excellent detective skills. Oh my gosh. This is those moments where, you know, you flex those skills and in the moments when you're like sometimes i don't want to be this good but you figure it all out and like you're

glad you did but also like if i wasn't so talented at this i could have remained blissfully ignorant so i understand that grappling with those emotions but you had a mission and you completed it and like you got shit done you got in and out and and got answers yeah and cut no fucking corners and like screenshots and you're not just screenshot she says she took pictures took pictures and then sent to your brother like you and you also after he denied it to you you had your backup go in and push through our mouths literally dropped no without yeah i mean i honestly think you i think you went about this in the best way where it's like it shouldn't come from you shouldn't have to come from you it should come from him but you know your mom better than

anyone and if he hasn't told her he's not going to and i think this has shown you like you basically gave him one last opportunity to be like hey you've been a fucking piece of shit like this isn't my problem this is your problem so fix the fucking problem and you gave him that opportunity and he didn't rise to the occasion and so i don't think you have to talk to him again it's like you had your chance right and if you were going to tell her you would have told her and you didn't And now I have to. Yeah. Yeah.

And so I think that you and your brother should maybe discuss if it would be better coming from the both of you or one of you. It seems like I don't know if you got your brother in maybe because he knew how to talk to your dad a certain way or if you know how to talk to your mom a certain way. But yeah, I like you said, like he's continually disrespecting your mom, lied about it, unfollowed that woman and then follow. like where is his shame followed her again and she's looking at your fucking tiktoks what like she knows that you exist that means she knows that the whole family fucking exists

so i would tell her i would tell her too i don't know how young your younger sister is but if you and your brother decide that it would be best coming from both of you there uh if your younger sibling is young young I would coordinate to like have a babysitter or a family friend to like kind of get them out of the house so your mom doesn't I wouldn't tell her quickly I would have it be like she's got hours to process to be emotional and doesn't have to check into mom mode she can stay in wife mode and be like upset so or if that's one of you it'd be better just for one of you to tell her for the other to take the sibling out and like have a fun day together like and even if it's something like I thought we could have a spa day and like stay the night at a fun hotel

together and like something like that again I don't know how young or if it's like they're having a sleepover at a friend's house something like that where you never turn off being like a mom but in this situation having your two adult children who are young adult children who've gone off to college being able to facilitate this and you have your own very strong feelings towards the behavior of your dad I think that would be really helpful for your mom to kind of rest that hat for a little bit right and to process it fully with people who when I tell her I when you tell I would say something along the lines of like I think he's a piece of shit for what he did so like I don't if you want to leave and you're like you like there's no keeping it together for the

family like we're here to support you like whatever you need for our little sister like we're fucking here and like we'll get through this if you want to stay okay like but we're gonna support you with whatever you want to do from like a you know we're growing up now we know and I figured this out yeah and like we're out of the house like you're spending far more like when kids out of house you spend more time with your partner or you don't you don't and that's not like a reflection on you at all but also like I would do it too when he's on one of his little trips so that gives your mom more time to process because if he's in town and he could come home at any minute yeah i wouldn't take her out of town i think that just kind of yeah because it feels

exciting and then it's like surprise and it's like oh no it's like mom i have something to talk to you about i think like regardless of what your mom decides like you're allowed to hate your dad if she stays with him like you have a relationship with him independent of her and while the cheating has nothing to do with you the lying about it does have something to do with you because he lied to you as well yeah and you know she decides to say okay but at least she has all the information yeah and she can stay and you're also still allowed to dislike him like you can support her and dislike him as a person and you can want better for her and hope that he treats her better while not keeping information from her

that might change her choices or even just how she behaves. And maybe she's not financially at a spot where she can leave him, but now knowing this, she's going to be able to like, oh, okay, I'm going to start saving money if she's been,

I don't know if she worked or not, but like when the rug gets ripped out of underneath you, specifically as like most of the time is happening to like women who either don't work as much as their husband And and you find out that happens when it's like, oh, I'm leaving you for the mistress. And it's like, well, if I had time to prepare for saving the money to get out of this on my own accord, I just think that like people should always know that the know what choice

they're making. Yeah. And she might. Sure. She might have an inclination. She might know all of this, too. That's fine. But I I wouldn't feel personally comfortable not having confirmation that she knew it and

thinking that i might know something that she doesn't know that would influence her decision making so good luck yeah also i want to know does this woman like make tiktoks or is she just on tiktok to look at you i'm also like he's like i'll unfollow her on instagram i'm like oh are you gonna start stop fucking her as well like what's the why is this whole thing and then you're following her again and clearly you put so much weight on the unfollowing that the refollowing is pretty crystal clear yeah social media sometimes i'm like we all need better social media literacy but then other people this is people plain sight you know telling on selves tell on themselves yeah all right next call hey uh i am 29 and and eight months ago i ended a

toxic seven-year relationship still in love with him and i'm actively trying not to call him and fall back into the toxicity um i've been on dating apps and haven't had any love went on a couple of dates, but there's no chemistry. And they ended up backfiring, making me miss my ex, specifically having someone to flirt with, hang out with, and obviously have sex with. So about a month ago, my trainer, I'll call him Tim, mentioned that his brother-in-law asked if I'm single. I'll call her brother Rob. Rob is 41. He's divorced with one kid and he's super hot. So since Tim had mentioned that Rob asked about me, Rob and I have been flirting across the gym like lingering around each other longer than we need to be um there's been some serious sexual

tension built up so about a week ago rob messaged me on facebook and asked if i wanted to hook up he invited me to get drinks with him and um while we were getting drinks and just hanging out he said you know he wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone but he thinks that i'm super hot and I think he's super hot so he asked if I'd be interested in like just hooking up so we did hook up that night and both agreed immediately that we wanted to keep doing it but keep him out of the loop just for the sake of the sexual tension that it creates while we're working out by the way the plan is working it's super fun to like make eye contact across the gym knowing that we're meeting up in an hour and nobody knows it's a small gym so everybody knows everybody and we've all been

going there for the same amount of time so I'm also assuming that Tim will find out eventually which is not a big deal at all he has golden retriever energy and once they get that it was funny and impressive that we kept it a secret so my question is I've never done friends with benefits before but so I don't know what's normal like do we text during the day we've been making plans to hang out at night but like we're also we also have good chemistry and like have fun talking to each other so like is it cool to text during the day um he also invited me to get dinner a couple of times this week and I've pushed it off

because I'm not sure if it's stupid to like blur the line between friends with benefits and emotional things. I don't know if that makes sense. I hope it does. Again, I'm definitely not interested in a relationship.

He made it clear he's not, but I do miss flirting and, you know, having somebody to hang out with. So let me know your thoughts. I appreciate it. Thank you. I'm going to let you know right now.

He doesn't want his brother-in-law to know. that's weird when he already when the trainer already knew something has shift something has changed within me someone might not be fully divorced you're not gonna like the advice that we're gonna give no because we're not gonna give you the advice you asked for no so you might want to go ask a friend yeah because you don't want friends with benefits you want a relationship Like the things that you're talking about, like, oh, like the chemistry we talk or like we get along really well, like we've got great conversations. Like I miss the texting. I miss like the flirting, like having someone to talk to. That's a relationship.

You might think that like you're saying and this truly happens so fucking often, specifically in with women where it's like, well, men will say, oh, I don't want a relationship. And it's like, that's a, that's a past, present and future statement with whatever we're doing here with women. It's like, well, yeah, I don't know you. I don't want to be your girlfriend right now. And it's like, well, that's not actually what that means. That's like, no matter how amazing and no matter how cool and no matter how great you are, I'm not, I don't think people always talk about how men will end up marrying. It's whoever he's married, who he's with when he's ready to get married. It's a personal decision and choice. But someone who's not interested in a relationship is not interested in a relationship. And he's not interested in

a relationship. He just wants to be friends with benefits and hooking up. People, I really, you're not friends with him. You don't really know him. So you're not friends with benefits. Friends with benefits. I've mentioned this. I was friends with benefits with a guy in high school. It got to be a little more. We weren't on the same page. Didn't work out. Whatever is fine. but we were friends like we were legitimately friends we'd spent like four plus years in school together had known him even before that and we would hang out at parties then we would hook up and we're in groups of people but like we didn't we went out I think we went to one of the movies one time and that was as an apology for whatever long story it's in my book but we didn't really

like text and flirt it's kind of just like at the end of the night like after we're all hanging out with a group of people where the two people were like, oh, cool, let's go hook up. Or it's a late night thing. And he's texting me and says like, hey, you want to come over? And I'm like, sure. Like, but it's our friendship interactions aren't dates. We're not going to dinner. We're not flirting and we're not texting. And it can't take up the same capacity that a relationship would. And if you have someone to flirt with and someone to text and all of that, like that is your brain no matter what you say will categorize it and then be like oh box checked off so you're not going to look for it anywhere else because you're getting it like you're getting

it from someone who isn't intentionally giving that to you with the meaning that it's going to mean more than that so like I also have a lot of questions about like where his where's his kid he's divorced and has a kid what's that relationship like like how are you asking me to for dinner all these nights like are you in your kid's life like what is this like you know you don't want to tell your brother-in-law how what side is he related to is he his ex-wife's brother or is he another from the other side of it like what is all of that because a how you treat your child and how you are as a parent regardless if I want to have a relationship with you but if I want to sleep with you like how do you how do you care for the people who you love

and what's your priority in here and like you know I I would like I would like to know that and also because how fresh is this breakup how young is this kid am I gonna go over to his place and hook up with him so he can hook up with me am I gonna be sexting him when he's taking his kid to the zoo do i feel comfortable with that like divorced parents single parents like yes 100 a thousand percent be sexual but i i don't think you can just kind of in those circumstances throw caution to the wind and be like i'm not going to ask any questions to figure that out because there's a child involved even if you're not involved you're involved with someone who has a child by proxy there's a child involved so i'm not gonna just say fucking get your clit

like to go have fun get hot sex around around enjoy whatever you want to do like i think that there's a sense of responsibility that should come there and i think sometimes when we don't dig into that responsibility it's because we don't we know we're gonna see a man who is a pretty shitty father and that's nick i agree with everything megan said but for me it would have ended much earlier than this at the gym when if some 40 something year old man is leering at checking out a 20-year-old woman in the gym, I find that utterly disgusting. And that's where I would have left it.

And your advice was better. I'm going to say I'm giving bad advice because I'm not actually giving advice. But that shouldn't have gone past. He's too old. He's too old for you. Yeah. And very rarely do women look older than they are.

Especially at the gym. No one's going to the gym with a full, I mean, some people do go with the full face of makeup. No, but it's good. Yeah. Like you, you know, it's, you're vulnerable. And I think it's one thing. I don't like when men come up and hit on you on the gym, but there's one thing there of being like, oh, you're telling me exactly who you are. But now there's this new brand of guy who it's like, oh, I'm going to ask somebody to ask about this, but I'm going to still look at you from across the gym, but like make it clear, but I'm not going to say anything. So it's like, I'm not like those other, I'm like, but you are,

you're just trying to like orchestrate the situation a little bit differently. And again, when somebody doesn't want to tell people it's not sexy that it's a secret it's a secret because he needs it to be a secret because why maybe he's fucked every single other person at the gym maybe he's truly a piece of shit maybe they maybe he thinks and knows that if other people knew this would go would be going on you wouldn't want to sleep with him anymore because someone would tell you some information that would change your mind yeah so there's that i have nothing more to add and I say this out of love when you can acknowledge that you just got out eight months ago of a seven-year toxic relationship on I would look at the situation and go I think hooking up

with a guy who wants to keep it a he wants to keep friends with benefit a secret why do you keep friends benefit secret there's no strings attached doesn't mean anything if you need to keep that a secret that's because you have something more serious with somebody else where your friends with benefits would compromise that relationship. Like, no one needs to keep friends with benefits a secret because it doesn't, there's no commitment. It doesn't mean anything. It's just whatever.

If you can look at that you got out of a toxic relationship and now you are starting to hook up with a guy who is 42 years old, divorced with a child who wants to keep it a secret, who had a passive setup from your trainer who he doesn't even want him to know the truth, that i would look at that in comparison to your last relationship and go okay what are the similarities that i'm seeing here because what i'm hearing as a third party i don't even know why your last relationship is toxic but you're telling me it's a 42 year old guy who doesn't

want people to know that you guys are hooking up yeah and that i don't think it's about you it's about whatever other shit he's got going on that he doesn't want you to blow up but psychologically that will fuck with you you should want someone who is proud to be with you who is happy to like it's it's not sexy to keep it a secret and it's not like you work together this isn't school like this is a gym like you're adults here this is just there's so many other less messy ways and i think that this really has the power to do a number on you psychologically because I can't stress enough a man needing to keep you a secret will always wear on your own self-esteem yeah and I'm telling we're both telling you right now this is like a crusty 42

year old man it's about him and the other shit he has going on it has nothing to do with you but I think if you continue this there's no way it's not going to take a toll on you personally so more of the story we don't think you should like text him during the day no except for say bye and maybe go to a new gym tell your trainer that it's supremely inappropriate to set you up with people that he's related to and also works out at the gym and he's also being paid to work with you and then set you up is also incredibly inappropriate yep all right so we're gonna take a break Get your tickets now for The Dog Stars. It's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear.

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all right we're back hey with one less listener hi megan and melissa so i'm 23 and this call is actually about my mom so i have a son he's two and my boyfriend's parents are really helpful when it comes to my son they watched him a lot when uh i went back to work and they watch him every weekend because I don't have a babysitter for the weekend. And my mom always asked me about my son coming over. And he rarely comes over. He only comes over maybe about once a month, if that. And every time he comes over, I feel like he makes plans or she doesn't make it a priority to be with him the whole time. And so I'm a little bit frustrated right now because I'm about to go pick him up, and she said that she's at a dinner right now

and that my stepdad's home with him, which, like, my stepdad being home with him isn't the issue. The issue is that she's the one that specifically asked to have him over because she hasn't had him over in a while, and that she doesn't make it a priority to stay with him the whole entire day until I pick him up. And even on days she does watch him, she asks me multiple times when I'm coming to get him. And it's just really frustrating to me. And I just want to cut her out of my life altogether because I feel at this point she just wants to be a social media grandmother and not an actual grandmother. We've never had a good relationship.

It's always been pretty rocky. And so it's been hard for me to be okay with her watching my son. If you have any advice with that, please let me know because I'm kind of stuck on what to do. Cut her off. Cut her off. Cut her off. I would just be like, hey, mother, if you're going to commit to watching my son, your grandson, then please commit to that. Because me as a mother, I like to know where my son is and who he's with at all times. please don't put him in the hands of someone else without telling me and then if you actually want to watch him why are you constantly asking me when I'm coming back if you're gonna watch him

watch him if not then that's it you've already proven yourself you just you need to have a firm conversation with her about what your expectations are and what her expectations are and if the expectations don't line up, then she's not the babysitter for you. Yeah, I agree with that. I mean, I think and I can be kind of I mean, I can be I am definitely coming from a more biased perspective. But I think that, yes, there are some occasions where a parent who was not a great or present parent is a really great grandparent. But I think very often we try and recreate what we didn't get as a kid and we try and think that okay here's another chance and the level of disappointment can be even greater there because it's not just that she's disappointing you

by not living up to your expectations of like her being a grandma but also as a mom and so like it's really laggard there and you've said like you've always had a rocky relationship you haven't gotten along and like you just kind of want to cut her off and I think like it might feel like when she asks that she wants to see her son and stuff that it feels like wow she like really she wants to mend this and she wants to try this but from what you've said that it does seem like she wants to be kind of more of a social media grandma and it's like oh you actually haven't put in the work to like think about our relationship and mending our relationship and doing better and being a better and present consistent figure for my son and it's it's not that and so why am I

putting myself and him through this when like if you need a babysitter like I think that's very different than when someone asks to babysit and it's like okay I can I could have watched my kid now like I sure I can always do something when someone else is watching my kid but like the level of like attention and time and quality of time and what we're doing if you're asking to hang out with my kid when it could have been me like I will like I you know I'm hoping that it's going to be relatively similar in that but if you're going to be passive about this it's like well I would have watched we had would have had a whole day planned like done all this stuff and I think that like the next time that she asks I would just tell her and I would just be like hey

you know honestly like I really have every time you say that you miss him and you want to see him like I've been really excited but every time it does kind of feel a little performative in the sense that like suddenly you've got dinner plans you've got all of that and I totally understand you have your own life, but you're the one who asked to like hang out with him. So I'm not cool at this point with him being a second or third priority when you have told me that he is your first priority. So you'll still see him when, you know, if you want to come out like on your own terms where you're there, because I also can't, it seems like you've got, like you've said, you've got really great in-laws. So I'm thinking when you're, when your kid is with your in-laws,

you can check out as much as a parent possibly can but when he's with your mom it probably like was she still with him is she like whatever's doing that like that's not that's not much of a mental that's a physical break from child care but not a mental break from child care there so i would just say like you know unless something i can see that there's like a change and i think honestly that change has to be in your real your relationship with her and her wanting to like work on that relationship then it's just like you know you'll see or you'll see the kid he'll be it'll be on our terms of like you can come visit here or we'll go visit you together but it doesn't seem like you're comfortable with the level of care and attention that he's getting there and

even if that's mostly projected from your own childhood that's fine like it's really fine i think even if it's he's not feeling a little bit like second priority in her eyes you're feeling that and then he'll feel that from you even if he's not feeling it from grandma so like you need to protect your peace and that will protect the peace for everybody around and I've always said like if you have the desire to cut someone off or you have the desire to like really scale back and create like hard boundaries and you've given them those opportunities no one does that on the first time like that's something that's built up over time and I think creating those like strong boundaries of like this is what the parameters of this can work in and if she

doesn't like that I would unpack and pay attention to why she doesn't like that I'd say tough titty said the kitty I'm the new mom in town bitch yeah this would drive me absolutely crazy I'm obviously not a grandma but I've spent I mean I've spent a lot I my youngest like my youngest nephew on Mons is that side that's the one that had I the most like you know was there when he little he's a baby and he's getting older and all that stuff so I've spent a lot of time with two sets of you know his grandparents and like seeing all that so like I I can see that relationship and like even when we watch him we're like so excited and like we've got things like planning all that and you can tell like even if like I missed something he said the first time or if I was like grabbing

water I can see it if like I don't respond so quickly and then I'll be like oh sorry what did I like miss it could you tell me again he like lights up and then he tells me what I missed and I've been that kid as well and your kid's really young but I think there's no better there's no better feeling and better way to raise a kid than with people who are enthusiastic participants especially ones who are asking to be there like as a parent you can't you're gonna have off days but that's literally the grandparents you just get to be the you get to be the fun in this situation when you're not the primary caregiver like that's my role as an aunt like that'll eventually be my role as like a you know a pseudo aunt like friends kids or a grandparent like

it's to make the parents job easier and to just like love the kid in a way that that kid can receive it which is quality time right this would piss me the fuck off don't speed though not that you're in the car still maybe you're in the car and you're listening but that'd be my worry if i called in yeah me too i can't do both all right next one hi megan and melissa so i'm 23 and my pronouns are she, her. I graduated college with a science-related degree this past June. I've been applying to jobs since August, and I have yet to get any offers. I've been living at home with my family in my small hometown since graduating, and I'm feeling very stuck here. I was working up until December just in my hometown, random jobs, but that ended. So since then, I've just

been applying to jobs and getting rejected from jobs, which has been great. I have had a career advisor from my school look at my resume and all that, so I know that there's no big issues with that. I just don't have any experience in my field, partly due to being home for COVID for two years in my college experience, when ideally I would have been able to intern or volunteer. I'm really struggling being home with nothing to do, and I feel like I can't grow anymore here. I really feel like I need to move and start my career, but it's been hard because no one is giving me a chance. I would like to just move and get a random job until something in my field comes up, but I have a few different options of cities that I might move to. So I'm afraid that if I pick one, get a job there, then a job in a different city will come up that I really want and I would have to break a lease.

I also know that I should just get a job in my hometown, but I'm afraid that if I start working here again, it'll give me an excuse to not leave. I'm really scared to move out and actually begin my adult life, but I know that it's what I need to do. I'd love any advice on navigating this time in my life or what you think I should do. Do I move anyway and hope a job follows? Stay here and wait for the right job or any other ideas? Thank you both. Bye. well I don't know what field you're working in or want to work in that would have been helpful science related yeah science related but that's so broad anything that can be anything yeah because

I was like biology and then also like physics yeah those are very different fields but what I would do my first thing was like make sure that you know a professional has looked at your resume I wonder, I know a career counselor at your school looked at it, but in the last five-ish years, a lot of things with resumes has changed. And so I don't know if you're, sometimes people that work in academia don't necessarily know how things have changed in the quote unquote real world. Yeah, the practical sense. Yes. And so I would have somebody that works in the field or find someone on LinkedIn that works in the field and see if like there are resume professionals that work in the field and see it could be a recruiter or someone and ask them to look at it. and then I don't think moving to a big city and hoping that something opens up is the answer. What I think you should do is I know you weren't able to intern while you were in school, but you

can still intern out of school. Some places won't do it because they don't want to pay. They don't want to pay you. But some places don't even think about having interns. And so if you send them an email and be like, hey, explain, write a great cover letter that talks about your strengths, talks about what your future plans are, talks about how you weren't able to intern while you were in school because of the pandemic. Explain all that. A lot of companies don't know what they need until somebody, someone has pointed it out to you. So I would send specific things to specific companies like, Hey, whatever Merck, I'm just using some pharmaceutical company. Hey Merck, I saw recently in the news that blah, blah, blah happened. This is awesome. And that relates to me

in this way. And then go in there, introduce who you are, explain why you would be a good fit for their company. Why you want, it doesn't necessarily have to be a company that you want to work for in the long long term it's just who's there now that you can reach out to craft the letter in a way that they're like I have to meet this person find recruiters on LinkedIn find recruiters online and once you start making those connections they'll a recruiter will put your resume in front of a company even if the job has not been posted yet so that's how I would go about it yeah I think like the best way to to kind of make up for and also just know that like this isn't just a you thing like lots of people are dealing with this everywhere is that the hands-on field experience

and a lot of these fields are going to have to change their requirements because the people don't exist no those people don't exist and also what they want to pay those people the people who have the experience are not fresh college grads and they're not going to take that money but the thing I would recommend is find a small pond and be the big fish there. And that's in terms of whether it's an internship or volunteering and taking on as much as you can. Like when you're a volunteer who's not, if you can treat a volunteer job like it's your job, you're going to be able to gain so much more experience than someone who's just volunteering on a weekend. You're going to be able to like know how the fucking thing runs. You're going to be able to implement things or

even just make a lot of contacts and be a face a regular face that people start recognizing and seeing and again like Melissa doesn't have to be in the exact company you want to work for but that will also you can then get reference letters from business professionals who it should be in the science field whatever field that you want to get into but even if it's not like that closely related then your references are no longer just college professors it's people who've seen you work again in the practical, in the real world. And also for a volunteer job where you didn't maybe even get, you didn't even get paid to do that kind of thing. So like you have an opportunity to do, to do that. And it's, you got to make the connections and put in those hours.

And it's, it's not a straight path. You might need to take a step to the right and then, okay, this is somewhat like, and this is somewhat similar. And I would also just like stress, depending on where you're applying and like what specific field you're in. I knew so many people who like fresh out of college, their first job, they were at for three weeks and then they quit once they got a better one. Like it's pretty par for the course. And if you're not having a lot of success

with your resume and the jobs that you're applying to, I would like also do some digging on LinkedIn and be like, how old are the people who are working here? Like the person who has the most similar job title to this at this company or who had it before, what's their experience level? And like, am I applying for jobs that like, does it look like they value the college you went to more

or does it look like they value these certain, do they value your internships more here? Also look at alumni from your school that work in the field. People love when you went to the same school with them. Ask, I don't know if you're part of your alumni group at your school. A lot of people that are young alumni don't do this,

but join the alumni society or alumni group or association, whatever it's called, and find people that work in that field. Look on LinkedIn and see what people from your school work in the field. People are always happy to help other people, but they need some type of connection to you. Yeah. And it's all like I ask if you can take them for coffee. It's not that expensive to do that. And then also a lot of times or meet virtually if you're not in the same place that you are. When other people get to reference you for a job, they can get it.

They can get a check for that. so there's an incentive for them to like really advocate for you but also they're not going to advocate in bad faith because that would then look bad on them so like people really like mott spends so much fucking time with people who are like hey can i pick like can we like we get a coffee and like pick your brain about this can we talk about that like whatever it is because he's had different career paths and has he had a unique way of going about it and he always goes and sometimes i'm like oh my god do you need and like but he just he's like no it's like i've been that person like we've all we all have to do that and like i'm paying it back i the amount of people

who sat with me like i'm in my early 20s asking all these questions even later in my 20s like i'm gonna pay that back to those people like i'm gonna do it again and so there's it's it's utilizing the connections because yeah i think the job market we've seen and again the job market in field specific, it's hard, especially when you're potentially going to a city where you don't know as many people. You will be up against people who have the same resume as you, all the same experience, but they know someone at the company who can vouch for them. Yeah. And so I think that I wouldn't focus so hard on like, how can I make my resume better? How can I do all of this? It's like, how can I get myself into this space, even if it's not the small space? How can I get myself

into the bigger space of this get my face to be familiar my name to be familiar and how can i build contacts that i feel comfortable being a reference for or who you also trust if they are like hey i found a job i think you'll like that you should know them and trust them enough that you go you're not going to steer me wrong here where it's not use it it's a it's a symbiotic kind of relationship so i would take the time to build this relationship that's also mostly what internships are it's less about i mean apprenticeships i would say are more about like the physical experience in the work that you're doing. Internships are about managing a work day and managing working with other people and then building connections. Yeah. And I'll give a

specific example of something that I actually did last year. I want to, you know, continue working in an entertainment field, but in a different sector. Are you going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell what it is because this is still actively happening. Just know that when she told way she was going to do this i was like i'm not going to do that specific thing anymore because i haven't i don't think they would but they're no they would but they're they're not doing the program this year so i messaged a bunch of people on linkedin that worked in this specific field the one person one person that got back to me first is somebody that's retired but i knew that They worked in, they were big time and worked in the field.

They were retired. They sat with me for like an hour, hour and a half. She thought it was just going to be a 30 minute thing, but I'm me. So she, she was loving, she was loving talking to me. She was loving what I was saying. And so she gave me some great, great advice. And then she introduced me to somebody that actively works at the place that I want to work. that person is lower level but you move up in the field lower level works yes and so i talked to her

she told me the thing that i wanted she's like you're way too experienced for this do you want to do this i know she's like are you sure you want to do this and i said yes and she's like are you sure i said yes and so she's like okay next time this comes back around i will you know reach out to me but then she reached out to me in november and said that they weren't going to be doing that specific program anymore but she also introduced me to somebody else that's higher up on the on the ranks that person another great person absolutely loved me we were chatting she since we have talked she has moved up two spots and now she's like we need to meet and so we're going to be meeting soon and so like you just have to you just talk to people didn't you talk didn't you

haven't you done that through twitter too yeah on twitter i've reached out to people that i admire and i've been like hey can you do x y and z or can you send me a script and you know i'll i'll find out little things about them that connect me that i specifically like searched out this there's something that i wanted and so i went and i looked uh at the show and looked at the people that worked on it and tried to find something connecting i found found something that connected me to one of the writers and so then i messaged him on twitter and asked him like something he's like i'm not supposed to do this but because you and my wife are this then i i will do this for you so then he sent me scripts to a tv show that he worked on like people don't send active

things that are in production you're not allowed to but he did and he sent it from like some fake email address yeah but yeah and so like and i've done that for others i've done that two or three times and so this is not something that ends this is when things begin right now like you have to get that skill networking is essential for moving up in careers yeah but i would really utilize twitter too like not just linkedin and like following people on instagram maybe creating a professional profile if you don't want to have like your personal profile but like you know becoming um if there are some people in the field that you they have jobs you really like that you really look up to even just engaging with those people on social media and then having them

you become a familiar face in their mentions to them and then asking a question that's related to the field that eventually you know you're able to build those relationships and like i see it a lot on like doctor twitter like there's like lots of like like like medical students and all these different like people want to everyone knows that the come up is hard we all want to make the come up easier but i need to know that you're coming up like i need to i need to i need to know you and you need and that's on you to make yourself known yeah and i have a friend that became active on teacher twitter and they got a job from that so like that's something that like finding other forms of social media where you're becoming involved in the community and not just in the

applying for jobs because people don't check their linkedin all the time and every day but for a lot of people on professional stuff i was gonna say but like in in terms of like people who make their who have social accounts that are engaging a professional community they want to talk they want to talk and they want to engage with you a little bit differently also engage with you in a public space and you can learn a lot from that because they're doing that with other people you can read their replies to other tweets like it's a little more linkedin has public features but there are so many professional communities on even tiktok there's professional communities there and you're able to kind of like crowdsource information and then have the opportunity of

someone who wants to be a public figure in their field helping other people which then by proxy can help you and get your foot in the door with that community and just experience and knowledge with that so I think it's a really hard time and I obviously can't specifically relate to this but I just know from like friends and just being a person online that this is a really common thing a lot of young people are going through and I know it can be really hard to compare yourself to other people in my like milestones regardless of age but specifically when it feels like graduation was a milestone you all achieved and then it's like oh well now we're not checking off all the same milestones at the same time after we did this it can be a bit of a mind

fuck so i would just also maybe spend some time on like spaces of living at home and haven't found a new job yet like twitter or tiktok and find a community yeah find exactly a separate like that finding community of other people who are putting in the same work that you are and acknowledging that it's hard but it's a grind which I hate that term but people want to help out other people yeah you know I love when someone asks me for I'm flattered I had somebody reach out to me that went to my high school and I don't have my high school listed anywhere but my name is on the wall there and um on the bathroom wall no it is on what is it supposed to mean my name is literally oh you're talking about oh the people used to like leave phone numbers on bathrooms

for a good time call that kind of thing i'm on there because the football team was the national they're not national arkansas champions at one point and since i was a cheerleader i was considered part of the team so her names are on the wall family but she reached out to me and I think I think she sent me a message on Instagram and asked if we could she lives here in LA she's in school here and she just wanted just like career from advice from somebody that is from the same place that she is and we talked and it was a really good chat I personally hate networking but it has but it's necessary and it has a lot of benefits to it and I don't think I would be where i am now if i wasn't networking and it doesn't have to feel like networking if

you can find people that you're genuinely a fan of yeah that feels like but don't come off as a fan girl no no no but like that you're you're you're excited for the answers and everything and it doesn't feel like pulling teeth on both ends where it kind of feels like an awkward some some networking feels like a blind date setup that you're like why am i even here this isn't beneficial for anyone so but best of luck you've got this and don't move to a city and hope that you get a job there no it's just unless you have the financial means yeah oh yeah if you're loaded then do it because then that opens up your networking opportunities if you have the financial means to do it do it yeah but if you don't it's you're gonna have to breaking elite

all of that shit like if you can hire movers yeah and what if you get to that city and then get set even if you don't get so you move to that city and then you get without a job and then you get a job in a different city yeah so you're loaded if you got money do it but if not the rules are different if you've got unfortunately yep okay we're gonna take another break going on vacation we're here for it with kids who turn the backseat into a courtroom drama over whose tablet is louder whose charger is faster and why watching the same cartoon for the hundredth time is a human right yep we totally have vehicles to handle that because whether it's a road trip or a business trip where your flight's delayed your phone's at two percent

and your dinner is whatever is open, yeah, here for that too. Enterprise, we're here for it. And we're back. It's time for Don't Blame Them. That might be the first time that you didn't say it with a question remark to me. Well, that's because you gave me a heads up.

You said, we'll be back. And then you said it again because I said something else. And so then I had, it was like a false start, but it was good for the ADHD brain. It was like, oh, we can catch up now. So now this is where you all call it, not all of you, but listeners will call them with their own advice pertaining to a call that we aired on a previous episode. So maybe they have personal experience. They've gone through the same thing that the original caller went through, or they had

a friend who went through it, a sibling, they experienced it by proxy, or they're a professional in the field, or they just have some of their own insights and love the sound of their own voice. Hi, I'm just calling in in regards to the recent episode, Messy Friends, about the second call, the caller turning 21 but not wanting to drink. So I totally agree with what Megan and Melissa said. Just normalize lying, I think, is more my vibe. you could either just say like i'm a really sad drunk or i'm an angry drunk if your family's like wanting you to drink because then you're like i'm just not a good time when i'm drunk and i think

that that might be more like tolerable for them just because they want you to get drunk and have a good time with them um going out with friends though if you offer to like dd or even if you're at a party and they're like oh do you want a drink and you're like i'm a dd 99.9 percent of time everyone's like okay respect like whatever i want everyone to get home safe so i think saying that you're a dd is a good one but yeah i just want to give like a couple more options um because i've been in those situations before too and first of all it's nobody's business if you want to drink or not, sometimes you've got to lie. Thanks.

Bye. Normalize lying. No. Normalize lying. I just have to say that like- I think the DD one is a good one because even if you're not the, like you still are usually responsible

for people that are drunk. You just carry around some like Fisher Price fake keys. Yeah, I'm fine with that one, but- No, this bitch with her saying, I say bitch in an endearing term, say that you're a sad drunk. When I tell you pussy has never been drier, I do not want to hang out with like, if you tell me like, oh, I'm a sad drunk.

I'm like, keep I need to keep you away from the mouthwash. Like there is no way we've all been friends with someone who cries every time they're drunk. Nobody wants that vibe. I don't want anyone to push you. Just try. I want to watch you cry. I love your energy, mostly because you agree with me. Yeah, nobody's lying.

All right. Well, that's it for today's episode. We hope you all enjoyed it. If you did, leave a review on the podcast app. Tell us how absolutely bodacious we are and make it sound believable when you say that for me, okay? Also, again, join us on Patreon.

We have a great time and we have lots of other episodes coming out this week. We have our See You Next Tuesday Tomorrow, which we have so much. It might be our longest one. It definitely is. Because we talked a lot

and we also have But Am I Wrong coming out on Thursday and then Fisting Friday on Friday. So please call in for next week's episode of Don't Blame Me. Leave your voicemails, send your voice memos, and hit us up on social media. Like, tell us we're pretty, give us money, or just follow us. Leave a comment on our last post. And anything else? I think that's it, Megan.

Okay, we'll see you next time. Bye. Over and out. don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso