Don't Blame Me! - Ziwe Hire Melisa

Episode Date: February 7, 2023

Meghan and Melisa have an out of touch conversation about out of touch restaurants in Los Angeles. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

anybody says that i imagine a blowhole i think is that not what it is from probably there she blows probably and why is it not there he blows there they blow gender norms and we're even applying them to whales whales it's fucked up that's pretty fucked up what's the that's what the traditional hail of the lookout and a whaler the whaling ship when sighting the spouting water thrown up by a whale surfacing question what is mail in anything involving fucking boats because boats are like ma she's a nice but like she's a nice one like so are they just a bunch of like horny semen i mean it comes with the territory yeah maybe that's it there's like so much semen on board comes with the territory exactly that everything else has to be about women yeah

okay cool that's what they came mermaids sirens the whole thing do you believe did you ever see that mermaid documentary the fake one using the disney stuff from when disney had mermaids i don't know if they used it from disney but it was a fake documentary there were because disney used to have an area of disney world where they had women trained to be mermaids and they had fins and everything and it looked real and then people were using that footage saying that mermaids actually existed okay well i don't like your negative um attitude with this because mermaids definitely did exist when i mean i don't even know when all the wars are in order you can't if i put mermaids in because here's the thing it's the mermaid to loch ness monster pipeline

and as a loch ness monster truther and a dragon truther i just think that there's logic that's here well here's the logic that i i would like to shoot out to you when a lot of these colonizers like columbus were saying that they were seeing mermaids they were actually uh what were they chlamydia well that's how they got chlamydia because they were having sex with like horses it wasn't horses it was manatees manatees and they were saying those were mermaids but did the mermaids already exist did they create mermaids or did the mermaids already exist for them to be like oh no that wasn't a manatee i thought that was a mermaid and people like i know what a mermaid is i think they came up with a mermaid as a uh cover story for them

having bestiality you know i wouldn't i wouldn't be shocked but i gotta say that is it is a pretty creative yet also totally unbelievable lie but people believed it yeah oh damn it well yeah i want you to um sit here and defend colonizers go for it go for it i would love i'm very excited for the little mermaid movie wow pivot put it on a black woman okay oh my god that document like i literally am like i can't even not refer to it as a documentary i'm like yeah that documentary yeah documentary but i do think though that like if there were mermaids like they would be fucking scary as shit like they would not be like shell bikinis like

starfish in the hair they would be like demons of the sea okay and i like that yeah in the fourth harry potter movie they those ones when they're like we're just gonna try and drown you and then eat you and i'm like sick i don't think of them as like these oh they're just trying to have sex like all these unwashed men with scurvy on both and it's like probably not well i'm gonna start using these podcasts as my um my uh audition tape to be a writer on z-win that is a i i am i'm here to be the pawn in this game for you great i will i will i'm i'm ready bait me bait me bait me i will take it and we will serve it and then we will package it up all nicely on vivian and send us your emails well welcome to cnx tuesday um our extra episode i

mean we've a lot of dare i say they're not even extra at this point just one of the many in the slate of the week so what was up with your weekend what did i do this weekend is your eye okay yeah i think so it doesn't seem like it y'all can't see it but megan started digging in her eye and then she blinked it several times and now she's still digging into it while saying that she's okay there's an eyelash somewhere out of place but i don't know how bad it is i looked the other day at my eye when i had something in it at the eyelash and i was like i see you and i'm trying to clean my hands thoroughly and then was just trying to move it out and it was not budging then i finally just got some eye drops and then flushed it out oh good

but that like it gives me like anxiety i'm like don't give me something that i can see and then be like this is hurting but don't stress out because you're gonna make it worse like that's not fair like why is my body fucking up and then my reaction to my body fucking up it's like well now you made it worse i'm like but i'm just trying to help the situation like can't you tell i have good intentions yeah and then i was like because i always have stuff in my eyes always and i was like do i need at some point to have an eyewash like they have in science labs so i can just go stick my eyes and then shoot the water straight in it honestly i think that's not a bad idea and you know my story about first day of freshman year of high school where i walked in the wrong door

and they were demonstrating the emergency shower and i walked into it you did not tell me this i think it was in my book well i was there while you read it to me i read it aloud to you like a long long long lullaby anyway what'd you get up to this weekend uh this weekend i didn't do much um i was tired this weekend my period started so i also had cramps but i did see a friend that i haven't seen in maybe like like six months or so and um we we've never we like hung out in big groups but we've never hung out one-on-one and so um yeah we just hung out caught up nice about what was going on in our lives um and we had a fun we went to uh tender greens who doesn't love the tender greens apparently mox because every time we like have to order food because we like

don't have groceries or something like that i'm like tender greens and he's like uh which i don't know why i keep doing this because every time i'm like no gluten allergy they're like we'll put the bread on there or cheese or something but i don't know why i keep going back it's really toxic it's because the food is just it's basic food like there's nothing special about it but it's like if i was at home and i just cooked a meal and you know no frills and i just you know sometimes you just want food you cooked at home but don't actually cook it at home it gives me the vibe of like going over to your friend's house in high school and their parents are good cooks so they had like a barbecue and they've got like good leftovers where you're just like this is good

i could make it i probably wouldn't put as much time and effort into it so it would be like almost as good but it's just like it's like really good like potluck or barbecue food but like it's a restaurant so you trust but it's like a restaurant but kind of like cafeteria no that's like exactly a tray you take the food to the table really good cafeteria yeah that's a good call oh yeah i could i could always i could always go for it that's like one of the few restaurants in la that i think like anyone who's like watched vloggers like the whole like youtube era of people like living in la it's like the one that i would say stands that like withholds all of it versus lemon remember lemonade i was just about to say it i was about to say you know what i hate that's

cafeteria food that's absolutely disgusting and i was like that did not stand the test of time yes lemonade awful food yeah that one like most of it's cold no no no all of it is cold unless you get soup and then yeah and then you have to like and then i've told people that and they're like well they have a microwave where you can warm it up why the hell why the hell am i warming up food in a microwave at a restaurant where the food is overpriced as it is and it's just not good no it's a communal microwave and you expect me to heat up like my tandoori indian spiced cauliflower when someone has just recently heated up a lasagna like that smells those are conflicting i'm gonna get basil and like ricotta scents in into my tandoori like whatever what's the what's the

whatever the orange one turmeric turmeric spiced cauliflower yeah i um used to work at this place where they on at lunch they always wanted to go to eliminate and i was like i would rather go to fucking uh what's the chinese restaurant panda express i would rather go to panda express than to go to lemonade well chinese food's always fire chinese food's always fire and they were next door to each other and so i was good alternative y'all can go to lemonade and have your overpriced fucking food and i'm gonna go over here to panda express they have one downtown there's one like in the library wait the lemonade's in the library the panda express is in the library is next that's a really good vibe i love that yeah yeah it's just so weird because if anyone

doesn't know look it up what the pictures are like lemonade los angeles like food like everything fucking comes already packaged in to-go containers and i will say the smartest branding decision they ever made was to put a lemonade in the airport and i go this is where you belong this is airport food it is you can seal it up nice it's all packaged all nice and compact and small but take it on your plane sure but also the packaging because they do use stuff that's biodegradable which great but it gets soggy halfway through like you can't really you're gonna be tasting that cardboard in your food halfway through it discolors from the oil at the bottom yeah and i'm just like they're better biodegradable boxes i've had them and they have all of their lemonade flavors and

None of them are sweetened with, like, anything. So they all kind of just taste the same. Very herbaceous. But it had a chokehold. It did. The one in Venice always has a line out the door. And I'm like, why? Yeah, the one in West Hollywood, too.

When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion. Inline skates were everywhere. And two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96.

Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. And I'm like, if they heated up the food and it was like Chipotle style where you made it into like a bowl and they got rid of half of the stuff on the menu, I think it'd be popping off. But it just doesn't make sense

that i'm going to be having quinoa quinoa then like an indian inspired dish and then again lasagna meatballs and then like bacon lasagna macaroni oh yeah and it's like so everything that's so true yeah and they it's just it's just such an odd one that and like earth cafe i have one friend kyle i go i like earth cafe for the vibe of making fun of people but that's because you are so bougie but it's not but it's not even i don't really like it though like i just like the vibe to make fun of people that's fair yeah like you can buy a fruit bowl the people that go in there are so it's either kyle or the people that are just so in touch with walking outside and putting their toes in dirt yeah it's like nobody i know who is like born and raised in la

is heading over there for a regular like it's like when i tell you i'm not even exaggerating that you can get a bowl of chopped strawberries and blueberries and it's like 16 i think it is 15 or 16 i'm gonna look it up exactly but they have cakes and stuff there i've heard some of the stuff is um pretty decent but i just it's all those celebrity paparazzi pictures of like in like the 2000s of like miley cyrus there with like her oversized mark jacobs purse and like her little bun i was like this was what influenced me at least at least i will say their food is good the cakes everything is good it's just the attitude of the people that work there and go there they're calling it a european style cafe that's so funny it is like branded in like

old world it's like the it's like a kitschy version like a kitschy papyrus like that's like what it's like it's it's like it's what's her name what's that um the woman who does the the mugs and stuff that everybody like all those midwestern moms lose their shit for ray ray ray i was gonna say ray donovan that's not ray dunn ray dunn that's like the literal entire vibe of this like it's like home good if home goods had a restaurant so let's see what they have they sell valentine's day panettone oh they now have wow i'm not gonna let some of these fucking pictures of their food is good a single waffle is ten dollars and fifty cents one waffle it's not a giant waffle either no sides no okay let's see yeah the oh fresh fruit

plate is 18 oh we were both inflation inflation's happening wait is this really yes wow you could get the same thing for toast with lox cream cheese tomatoes capers then wow this looks really fucking good that's 18 as well for 14 for avocado toast if you want to add an egg it's another three dollars and 20 cents if you want to add a tomato it's two dollars and 65 cents pancetta it's 275 what that doesn't don't get me sorry on cafe gratitude ma'am bitch you have to know do you i don't know if it's the original cafe gratitude but we had one in marin so like but what i didn't even when i came to la and heard that was the thing i was like i have been i have been fooled by this place this establishment once before never again it is it is the personification of

my least favorite dinner party thanksgiving thing of now let's go around the table and say what we're grateful for like you can't escape it one of my favorite pastimes you so you could you can go to restoration hardware and just hang out on the roof with their furniture i'm with their yeah no it's how they sell their furniture and they have like pool tables and ping pong tables but there's an earth cafe across the street so me and my friends used to go to earth cafe get food and just go sit at the top of restoration hardware and eat and then hang out with people that are just they're buying furniture i'm obsessed with that i like debated for a minute i was like should i have a birthday party here like it would be beautiful yes it's beautiful and people like

they will work there they want people to hang out up there like you people like literally like will bring their computer and like work all day there it's gorgeous i spent so much time there like it's one of my favorite it was like i i love a place where i'm like not a big i mean i'm usually not a big eating out person like in general but i'm i'm certainly not a big eating out at a sit down restaurant kind of person like i would always prefer to like grab food take it home grab food take it to a park like take it somewhere else like it's just you know chill less social anxiety and the fact that like i think all furniture stores should be like we've got a roof up top if you want to just hang out you don't have to buy our ten thousand dollar couch but you could

just sit on our outdoor furniture furniture yes it's so nice they're so nice i wanted to read um some of the names from the menu of cafe gratitude if people don't know this is like the most crunchy granola i've never seen you on netflix but i know that like one of the because i auditioned for it oh hot tea i know from the sides that it's inspired by like one of the scenes where the the grocery store where she works in season two is inspired by air one but i don't know if this is i don't know if it's like in the final script or in the show because again i only know the script that i read but they did kind of also have a play on the cafe gratitude sort of stuff so just to know for people you go up to the front and you order and you and these are some of the things

that you may tell you okay what is it it's like thank you no it's like i received that it's something like yeah it's not it's nothing as normal as like thank you like i meant along the lines of like thank you for being here yeah thank you for me so you go and say i am warm-hearted i am blessed i am phenomenal and i am humble the i am humble is gluten-free in case you're wondering it's an easy curry just so y'all know these are not things that megan's just saying these are no no this is the menu things that are on the menu the i am humble it's not even the it's just i am humble it's gluten-free it's 21 dollars indian curry bowl red lentil doll roasted garnet yam spinach coconut mint chutney spicy tomato jam scallions that actually sounds good the cafe

i'm not a chutney type person what about chutney from legally blonde i love a good chutney i am devoted i am loving that one's got forbidden black rights i am whole i thought this one said i am chaotic and i was like i'm ordering that wait i'm sorry i want which one of these things is not like the other i am humble i am devoted i am loving i am whole i am fortified i am vivid i am grateful yo soy mucho i am a lot no yo soy mucho and that's their mexican bull oh uh-huh yep okay okay you have to tell me this okay what so i'm just gonna say a portion of this one is donated

to kiss the ground a non-profit committed to balancing our climate through building healthy soil so i don't know why they would feel like it would be on brand and a good choice to then make this bowl be inspired by soil aka dirt because this is the only thing that's in it shredded kale black beans oh there is a tahini sauce brown rice or quinoa and then it's just layered to look like the earth's core that's a lot of yeah that's just give me give me some color in there throw something fun they say that the reason why they have these things these affirmations is because you say because people say you are what you eat so if you're saying i am whatever then you're making yourself that now imagine me fucking like sophomore in high school going with like my

former friend's family who was like oh god they just real real real bad toxic food relationship and all of that shit which definitely didn't help my already existing toxic relationship with food in my body but like me having to go up there at like 15 and be like hi um could i get the and i'm like looking at the menu I am hospitable like and they're like I received that and I feel that like thank you for sharing your energy like something like and I was just like okay and I remember eating it and it was just not good and I'm sure their menus changed and also I did look it up the one in Marin is permanently closed so maybe that one just didn't didn't go so great but this is very on brand for like where i live the i am the i am hospitable is uh chicken and waffles

okay what's the logic with the like where i would love to see a breakdown of like how do you get to these specific words and what you're serving with them because i'm vivid as the acai bowl i'm hearty a tofu scramble what because you are hearty you're hearty i am renewed why does it say sold out on the menu i am peaceful i am honest you know what nothing says i'm honest like a maple pumpkin coffee cake like what they do give out free dinners on thanksgiving that's good all day they've i am fortunate which is a mushroom toast for 18 which feels fitting because that's a lot of money to spend on mushroom toast and the entire thing is vegan yeah i'm eclectic don't as i'm eating my buffalo cauliflower i am eclectic i am exquisite

oh that does not wait i am together that's the guacamole i would definitely order that because if i could be any of these things i would aspire to be together oh i like i'm low-key no i am a high-key obsessed with like kitschy restaurants and like restaurant experiences like this like because we have in la we've got everything we've got medieval times but we also have cafe gratitude like whatever you want whatever vibe you're trying to catch you can catch it here i was gonna say in the sunshine state but i think that's florida what's ours the golden cup golden state golden state because we're covered in gold

well what'd you do this weekend um i vlogged a lot this weekend so i who knows when that will be up but people can see we had two little spicy things happen with the house you know covered in gold rhyme with that yeah that's the only sneak peek i'll give um but um yeah we we did stuff around the house we went to the cb2 outlet we planned to figure out exactly what bet new bed we want to get and i'm really excited about it though i did find one on facebook marketplace that is exponentially cheaper it's not the same bed it's not the same bed at all i don't know what bed you're deciding you didn't tell me but are you getting the one that has the straps on it that's real kinky looking what the fuck are you talking there's a cb2 bed that has

like for decorations these straps and all i see when i see it is people being tied up on it melissa how have i looked at cb2 nearly daily and i don't know what you're talking about are you talking it actually might be regular creighton barrel maybe not cbt oh that would make more sense for your aesthetic because that's i creighton barrel is like that is the rich linen like i'm if you didn't run so hot and needed to sleep so freezing would i think that you would be the definition of the person who would get the two duvet covers and stuff them into the single single um every time i see it i'm like it's so fluffy but so hot i know we i gotta show you someone posted on tiktok uh restoration hardware speaking of they have these

like jumbo pillows so they're like bigger than king size pillows they're fucking huge and they look delicious and i really want to get some is it the one that the girl was like punching and it wouldn't go down i don't know maybe i saw some pillows that i really liked from somebody on tiktok and i bookmarked it to get it i like a lot of um all all of the whole family of beds cb2 crate and barrel but now that i have my um adjustable platform it's hard to find a bed that i like that doesn't cover what do you have do you have like a one like the one that like you hospital this that like or yes i've had you up and yes you've known this i've had it when i first got it well no wonder why

you're thinking about this sexy with the straps because your bed's already it's moving it does move it does shake because when i told you that because it the hell was that i don't know i think i hit my water bottle on my phone but that felt like that was a gong i've never made that noise before but it um it vibrates and i told you it would be good for when you had your cramps oh i did forget about that yes no i remember now yeah yeah so but i can't because like a lot of those beds have you the bottom part like you can peekaboo see the bottom part and i can't like it looks ugly with my adjustable beds i have to make sure i have one that has it enclosed hmm well you know you can't have all maybe it's the other sex bed that has the straps

can you do that here it is no that's not it are you sure it's not the anthropology one yeah i've never looked at anthropology yeah that's the exact opposite of your style you can appreciate from afar but there's no way that you would you would go for that i'm not a i don't like see like you're not eclectic no i don't like anthropology at all no if anyone is curious about melissa's personal and dream home aesthetic look at jackie i don't like it just opulent hers is a little too white for me i like more color but yeah i think it's also the editing of her videos but she still does like everything is just very white yeah i think the most recent i think i think um i i like her style but just in colors yeah with a little more color

like this is a bed i i really like this bed from creighton barrel it's this um upholstered canopy bed but i can't put i can't use it because my platform would show you could do pilates on that though i feel like you could really get you could invert yeah that would be fun there's like honestly really cute shit on facebook marketplace and um somebody that has contamination issues well i was gonna say upholstered stuff that's like there are some upholstered things i could do but i don't i could maybe i could probably do an upholstered bed but i couldn't do like a couch and i could do an upholstered chair um but yeah oh and um we've got some little friends little termites but they're cute okay and they're fun okay so that's pretty much it we also uh

went to oh this was i was gonna tell you we went to walmart this weekend i saw and i'm never going again that walmart looked i've never seen a walmart that's looked like that in my life have you been inside i have been inside that particular walmart to get some sheets remember i told you that oh yeah um but what i what i saw from what you posted never seen a walmart it was even worse you have to know that i come from i know i was telling i was like she comes from fucking luxe ass walmarts and like i want that life like i oh my god remind me to tell you something off camera okay um but uh and we're not on camera but off mic i it was like i can't stress enough that like walmart's not a thing in la walmart's also not really a thing in

a lot of places a lot of big cities in california and i don't want to say that it's not a thing in california because like there are places in california i haven't lived but for like the marin san francisco bay area and la i can confidently say walmart's not a big thing like there's like two walmarts in la that i know of and they're not hot spots they're not where people are always going or so i thought when i tell you that this was the purge this was hunger games i i've never seen this many people since coachella like it was fucking packed to the brim of people like and everybody was buying so much shit i was like are you on vacation like do you live here it's just the vibe of walmart it was so chaotic but more than anything for every there was

a thousand people who were there and then there were two thousand workers every other person i saw was in a blue fucking vest and i was like oh my god wait they're wearing blue vests i don't know but there was some blue color they wear blue polos maybe okay sorry it was a vest it was a blue polo maybe i'm getting confused the america ferrera tv show no but they used to like years ago but not anymore and it was like as if they were camp counselors and had like whistles around their neck like there are flashing lights there are flags like there are like there's like a whole thing to this and it was absolutely unhinged and i was like i'm anxious i am not enjoying this this is so fucking stressful and mods just immediately has like a displeased look on his face being like

this is not the energy that i want we just came from target where like we specifically don't go to the targets that are like crazy busy i hate city targets we only go to the ones that have got parking lots like we're specific and intentional with we'll go out of our way to go to places but you would think for a place that was this fucking huge it no it was next fucking level and then we're walking through and Mats goes oh my god they're selling guns here and I was like what the fuck yeah they always sell guns they were baby guns they weren't selling gun guns they were just baby guns but then it was so weird like even the branding of it it was like perfect for your kids and we were like we're never coming here again until we saw the Brita

water filter we had just purchased at Target for $40 for $25 at Walmart and I was like oh I get it now and then he was like we gotta go look at the golf stuff we look at the golf stuff it is the same price it's still cheaper at the golf store for him to get like balls and stuff but it wasn't I was like you know what I'm I'm gonna stick with my current relationship with Walmart which is it's not the first place i go i was also trained as a child that like we were not allowed to shop at walmart after the documentary which i've never even seen it because i was literally a child i don't know what it was about but it was that was a no-go um but i'm gonna stick with if it's at walmart and it's much more affordable and i need it i'll do pickup here's the thing i

stepped foot in a walmart for the first time in a long and years when i went back home to surprise when this was in may of 2020 two one what one when i hadn't seen my family because of the pandemic yeah and i only went because my mom was there and so like i knew she was there so i was surprising her with some of the children and so that was the first time i'd been in a walmart in probably in years because i don't go in stores as you know yeah so even though like i'm like walmart does have cheaper things i don't go into them no so and but that walmart that i saw that whatever was i've never seen a walmart with empty shelves like that unless there's like a snowstorm

well it is 40 degrees in los angeles which is our own snowstorm true it was it was so and it was unorganized and it just was like that would not fly in north and there were so many employees there that i was just like why did they call all of you in like i just this is a free for all and i'm not asking you to intervene i'm asking for half of you to go home like i just don't i just feel like they're making you work too much for and it's just not fair so um that was my walmart experience uh will not be going back the only time that i did and that i actually spent well i mean i've been to other walmarts like in random states but i went in wisconsin i need you to go to one in northwest arkansas so you can have a better experience but again i went i don't

actually go so well you know how much i love arkansas yeah anyways that is it that's it we hope you enjoyed this la history lesson and uh we'll see you next tuesday yeah