Doug Loves Movies - Adam Carolla and Patton Oswalt Guest

Episode Date: August 8, 2009

Doug welcomes fellow podcaster Adam Carolla and actor/comedian Patton Oswalt to the show. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers screaming baby sticky seeds with 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey everybody Welcome to another Episode of Doug Loves Movies But this is an extra special episode You guys Not only because we got the extra wobbly table

But also Because Well for reasons that will They will reveal themselves As we move through the process. We are at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles in front of a live audience. Let's hear it, audience. You're sounding good tonight.

Sometimes people write to me on Twitter and MySpace and they're like, was there an audience even there for that last one? And I'm like, yes. They didn't laugh very much. Or they're just not mic'd properly. But either way, you guys are here to encourage us to hopefully say things that will amuse the listeners.

I've gotten several messages from people confirming that yes, in fact, they do listen to I Love Movies on the treadmill when they're working out. And to those people I say, you are fucking weird. Just listening to us talk about movies while you're sweating your ass off.

I can't imagine it. But God bless you for doing it. And of course, Upright Citizens Brigade Theater here in Los Angeles, they do lots of great shows, so come check those out. And also there's an Upright Citizens Brigade in New York City where I'll be doing my show, The Benson Interruption,

on August 10th at 8 o'clock. So if you're in the New York City area, get your tickets for that. My CD, here's the reason why today is special, my CD, Unbalanced Load on Comedy Central Records came out today, and on the day that we're taping this, you'll hear it a few days hence.

And, is that even right? I've never tried to use the word hence. And then, I would like to just brag about how it is currently on the first day of its release number one on the iTunes comedy chart so I'm

very excited about that I can't wait to dip into the 40s and 50s in the next day or so but I've never been number one for anything you know I came in number six Sixth place on Last Comic Standing And that's hard to brag about

Because Let's face it You know the Oscars If you came in sixth place it means you weren't nominated Or you were if you were a movie And the Best Picture nominees Are going to be ten this next This next time around Which is just going to be That the Best Picture nominees are going to be ten this next time around,

which is just going to be, that's another thing that's going to be stupid. Ten nominees. You know there's going to be two or three things that slip in there that's just like, really? Come on, year one for Best Picture? Okay, so I love everyone involved in year one, and I haven't seen it. Last time I was here, I couldn't remember who I decided gets to say who is a shithead at the end of the show. So I did a contest on Twitter and then forgot all the results. But the man's name, or woman, it could be, but the picture was a dude,

is BK Maynard, at BK Maynard on Twitter. And so he gets to decide who's the shithead. I went back and figured it out, and so I will say it at the end of this particular episode. And one more thing before I bring out our guests. I saw several movies over the weekend. And it was called Funny People. What? movies over the weekend it was called funny people what again I like those guys a lot but that's that's a solid joke about a movie that seems like several movies I didn't dislike any of them though I must say as opposed to

like when let's not get into it I I was going to start ragging on that Quentin Tarantino double feature thing, but I like that too. All right, so let's get this going. Let's bring out the guests for tonight. These guys are both regulars from when it was on, and I miss it dearly. They're both regulars on the Adam Carolla radio show.

Please welcome Patton Oswalt and Adam Carolla. Come on out, fellas. Just come on out. Hey. Hey. You can lean into it or pull it out of the thing if you want Talk into it Hi Patton and Adam

Hi pod listeners Did you hear the crazy intro I gave you? I tricked everybody by saying you were both regulars On the Adam Carolla show One was extremely regular And the other was on quite often Patton, do you miss it as much as I do? Getting to go on that show? one was extremely regular, and the other was on quite often. Like, Patton, do you miss it as much as I do,

getting to go on that show? Yeah, that was a really, that was one of those really good radio shows that, you know, a lot of radio shows, the hosts are always, they're doing that kind of leaning forward, and what's the next joke? And Adam would actually,

I can't do it, or I'll fade out, but you would lean back and relax. Well, it was early. It was so early. I'm so tired. Just wind Patton up and watch him go. That's what you do when he's on. When I'm on, you do most of the talking. Well, that's when I put my dancing shoes on.

I actually had shoes that said, Doug Benson's on dancing shoes. They were Capizios I had made up for me specially, and I'd just start tapping my ass off. I'd just throw in an occasional what or huh. But I had some Patton Oswalt I had Patton Oswalt slippers that I would actually put on and I would

just lean back. And I used one of those pillows, those inflatable horseshoe pillows you use when you travel. I'd just put it around my back. One of those weird cool collar things. I by the way saw in the Sky Catalog the older, larger brother to the inflatable neck roll pillow, which is just this huge hump you strap to yourself that you can fall asleep this way.

Why not just get pregnant? Or like Danny DeVito fat, where just have that nice You know like he really It's kind of brilliant It's like he packed it precisely So he can nap on planes He wears his penguin outfit on planes There you He sleeps standing up

His coffin will be a circle They'll be like which which I don't know face him toward Mecca I don't know which way to put him in That's awesome They'll be like, which, which, I don't know, face him toward Mecca. I don't know which way to put him in. That's awesome. Quite awesome. I feel like it's morning again.

Yeah, it feels that way, yeah. It's great, yeah. It's awesome. So do you go to theaters often, Adam, to see movies? Do you have time for that? No, I have plenty of time. I just don't like to support the arts. No, I announce I'm going to movies all the time. People announce they're going to quit smoking.

I'm going. We're seeing that. I yell at my wife, and then nine months later, I'm like, when's that shit coming out on Blu-ray? You know, it's late Sunday afternoon. We're not going to start today, but tomorrow, it's Monday, we're going to see a movie a day. And come Thursday, iTunes, it's like two months away. I'll just download it. And then plus is everything sort of revolves around not seeing people.

Like, oh, not Friday night. There'll be other human beings at the theater. What I like to do is do that. I like to go to the theater for the communal experience, but I don't want anyone in the fucking theater. So my edge is to sit there alone. You want one guy at the end of the row that you can give a knowing nod to

when they're fast and furious. Hey, don't make fun of that movie, dude. You know I live my life a quarter mile at a time. That's the argument I'll have with my wife. She'll be like, I'll wait until it comes out on cable. I'll be like, no, part of it is going and laughing, going with other people. And then she'll go, all right, let's see it Friday night. I'll go, not too many people.

I don't want to see those people. You know how they have those Mommy and Me screenings on like a Monday morning? They should have a Me and No One screening where they – what the thing is, it's like a 10.30 a.m. on a Tuesday, and they promise we'll only sell 20 tickets. That's the most – so you're guaranteed you'll be there with no more than 19 people, and you'll pay a little bit extra, like two bucks extra, just to see it with 19 of the strangers. What about if you show up up find out how many people bought tickets tell them go ahead and tell those people it's over

and double it for like a daytime movie because that'll cost you maybe 60 bucks that'd be a power movie you mean buy them out yeah just go show up and buy people out

fucking Gordon Gekko in their asses if I could do that out of the movie and then just talk on your cell phone the entire movie I'm so important

I'll have to pay attention to this movie I just bought for my own self I love it yeah don't add anyone on your Twitter account

but yourself just Twitter yourself the whole time you're enjoying this so you're in the same boat you haven't seen anything in movie

theaters no but it doesn't stop us from judging does it no no it doesn't stop me So you're in the same boat? You haven't seen anything in movie theaters? No, but it doesn't stop us from judging, does it? No, no, it doesn't stop me either. I've got a lot more free time than you guys do because I don't have kids or a chronic masturbating situation ever since I lost my penis. So I just couldn't find it. Were all those directed at me?

Wow. I'm jealous of your babies, you guys. You have awesome babies that give you an excuse to not go to movies. Yeah. I've seen, I went to a lot of movies that I'll see. I'll either see like an early screening or I'm lucky enough I'll get to go to a premiere sometimes every now and then. So I either see stuff months before it comes out or a year after it comes out. But I never am like,

oh yeah, I went and saw that with everyone. I'm always way behind. Well, that's why you're like the guy that you present things sometimes. Like you see things before they're even made. You see them and say, I'm going to throw my support into this. And then when it comes out, you do that. That's pretty awesome.

I try to. You did that for The Snake, right? Is that the name of that movie? No. Did anyone see The Snake? One lady saw it. Evidently it worked, you throwing your full weight behind the project.

It did work in the case of Foot Fist Way, Patton was a big supporter. Those guys are doing alright now. They're doing quite alright. I did see that one, by the way. Oh, you did? That's a good one, right? It was one of those, for 80 grand, it was a good one. Well, then you're going to love it.

You'd be like, fuck this thing. You're going to love the snake, because they made that for $700. You saw it, right? There's no way they spent more than $700 on that movie. Well, there's no way that I'm going to watch it. No, you will. I'm all about watching money. I got to take it, yeah.

Why does Danny McBride get to be in every fucking movie now? He's funny. I know, but you're funny. Who else do you want to be? You're not in every movie. Somebody comes along, they're the new funny person, they're in everything. But if you put Danny McBride in a lineup of people, would you figure out if the guy should be in every

movie now? Yeah, but there were two years when Don DeLuise was in every movie ever made, and then he vanished. Those are what we call the salad days. Oh, okay. And we miss those days. The golden days of cinema? Yes. There was a hot pursuit in every one of Don DeLuise's movies, so Ace Carolla's a big

fan. That's right. Look, I gotta shoot mornings on the end and go finish hot stuff at night. I'm just doing eight movies right now. It's crazy. So you haven't seen anything. Neither of you have seen any of the recent hits. I'm just doing eight movies right now. It's crazy. So you haven't seen anything. Neither of you have seen any of the recent hits. I saw Funny People. Oh, you did?

Yeah. All right. You went to the premiere of that? Yes, I got to go to the premiere. There you go. It was good. Good for you. I saw The Hurt Locker,

and someone gave me a screener of In the Loop, but I haven't watched it yet. By the way, we don't do the radio show anymore, but we used to come up with a good name for Tease V, we'd call it. Teresa's Vagina. The Hurt Locker. Yeah, that's a really good one. That would have been good, man.

Too bad we're not still in the air. 500 Days of Summer isn't bad either. Yeah, it isn't. I don't know if I use that way. Yeah, but it doesn't... Well, if you take the L out of Public Enemies, it's not bad. Public Enemies, right. Listen, I... No, you can leave it in.

I don't need to have seen any of these movies, because I pass judgment. I mean, some of the worst things I say are about people I know the least. You know what I mean? Like, I don't need to know anyone. I don't need to be familiar mean? Like, I don't need to know anyone. I don't need to be familiar with a country. I don't need to be able to find it on a map to, like, hate it or love it.

Can you just hear, like, the two main stars in the basic plot of a movie? I can get angry at it or love it. Not even seeing the trailer. Absolutely. Oh, my God. I could get... And then I tried it anyway. I got fired up mad about The Ug ugly truth with Gerard Butler, our

newest male romantic comedy star, after yelling Sparta. Yeah, I know. Who the hell watched 300 and went, he needs to be cuddling with someone. That guy. I'm gonna make, maybe that was a weird bet, like, it was almost like a rhinestone

thing, where someone said, the next guy we see on screen, I'll turn him into a romantic comedy leader. Oh, crap. I want to titty-fuck Dolly Parton. I bet you I could get. Hey, you know, I have a story about that movie, actually. The movie Rhinestone? No.

The Hurt Locker. No, what's the romantic comedy with Gerard Butler? Yeah, Ugly Truth. He observed me on my radio show to prepare for that role. Oh, my God. He did like a ride-along with me. Are you making that up? I'm not making it up.

I totally believe it. I haven't seen the movie, but he heard me talking about being drunk at Kimmel's for Super Bowl, and he really liked what he heard, I guess. And he said that his character was a cross between me and Howard Stern and that he wanted to come watch the radio show being done. But I didn't interview

him or anything. He just sat there and watched. Did he take notes? Did you announce on the air that we're not going to interview him, but I'm just letting you know Gerald Butler is sitting here watching me right now. You can't hear him, but I guarantee you he's here. He was banging an intern, so I didn't want to throw his rhythm off. Is he just always banging an intern?

No, sometimes he bangs two. Oh, okay. In all truth, he's literally sweating through the whole movie because his real accent is trying to get out. It's just a struggle for him to sound american i'm sorry you you saw this movie i saw well i should say i didn't see the movie i saw the first 20 minutes of it i uh i dared some people that i would go and sit through the whole thing and then i lost the the dare because what are you you made a paper mache dummy of yourself

and left it in the seat so you could escape was Was it that bad that you left? It was really awful, but I'd watch it on a plane or something, you know? That's why they invented those Danny DeVito pillows. They don't have to watch this movie. Doug, that is a terrible review. That would be your blurb. If you locked me in a metal tube in the sky,

I would enjoy the ugly truth. Yes, yes. If there's always potential death lingering on the horizon while I'm watching this movie, I don't want to watch it in the comfort of my own home or theater. I'd be satisfied for this to be my last memory. 20 minutes. So you got up and

left. Yeah, I did, and I rarely do that, but I was in one of those moods where I wanted to make a point. Because now you can Twitter that you left left it used to be the six or eight jackasses that are enjoying it just looking like what's his problem yeah but now you immediately get to go I walked out after 20 you were like the reverse Rosa Parks of the ugly truth are you was stood up and I'm the Rosa Parks in everything that I do sorry man a man, I'm white

and I don't stand up for anything. And also, getting up and leaving before Twitter is just like, Doug Benson has irritable bowel. Spread it around. It doesn't mean you necessarily thought it sucked. Oh, I told everyone. Oh, you did.

I did that with Ocean's 13. I got up and left Ocean's 13. Yeah, because that was supposedly the rebate for Ocean's 12. That was supposedly the make good, and it was worse than Ocean's 12. I don't know what week Clooney's going to be on this show, but I have some choice words for that man. I'm assuming I bumped him or Patton bumped him tonight, but whenever he gets, when we get to re, when we re-pencil him in, he did this tour where he did this. He's sitting next to a bird going.

He did this mea culpa thing where he was like, you know what? Ocean's 12 was a letdown, but we're back in full force and sorry for Ocean's 12, but they're going to make it all up. But they're a football team all of a sudden. And now, and they suck. Ocean's, Ocean's 13 sucked. It was even worse because it was just a knockoff of the first one with nothing added except for Al Pacino's histrionics.

I didn't see either of the sequels. Hoo-ah! Oh, dear God. Don't you have this theory that people that use too much Grecian... Attica! I think Al Pacino's poisoned his brain with too much Just For Men. You know the guys who dye their hair too much?

Your hair... Listen, I'm no neurosurgeon, but it goes right in your skull, right? Could you not be poisoning your brain with this stuff? You're asking me, is it right? Well, I mean, the roots of your hair go... How far away are they from your brain? It turns you into a mythical beast called Greyskull.

Yeah, I... I'm going to guess there's a... And you never die. Maybe there's a bony skull between your hair follicles and brain, but all right. Listen, I... Again, I'm just... This is all from Matt's rerun. I'm no x-ray tech.

I'm just saying... Just from watching Matt's reruns, I could be wrong. This is anecdotal. Oh, let me say this about Matt. There might be cracks in my skull. Let me say this about Matt. Hold on. Do it again. Sorry. There might be cracks in my skull. Let me say this about MASH. Hold on.

Do it again. Sorry. There might be cracks in my skull. That's right. Maybe some of the Grecian formula penetrated. Wiseass. Some of the formula got between the cracks in my skull. All right, speaking of MASH. And it ate into my brain!

Oh, God! I was watching MASH a couple of weeks ago. They had watching MASH a couple of weeks ago they had a MASH marathon and I was watching it and I was watching Alda with that long, gray, dry, dusty tuft of hair and then what's his name

with the Jufro and the crazy mustache and I was watching this and I thought wait a minute, this is not And I was watching this and I thought, wait a minute. This is not Vietnam. This is Korea. This is 1950. This show took place in 19...

Korea was 1950 to 1953. And Alda had this dry, super long... He looked like Kenny Stabler. I know it's not something you guys would get, but I mean, where did that fucking... Do you know what enlisted men look like in 1950? They were covered with pomade. They were super long and then Honeycutt had the big mustache

and the big bushy. I mean, look at their crazy 1970s hair. It was the reinvention of a war that just wasn't interesting. But what about guys' hair? But guys in the 50s, their hair never looked like that in the military. They looked at the Korean War and they boldly stepped up and said

this war needs winged hair. And that is what they did. Look at all this hair. There's no pomade. My brother pointed out, Charlie's Angels, but gray hair. I do love it. Then we start talking about jumping the shark, but I like it on Happy Days

when Ralph Mouth went, fuck it, I'm getting a hair dryer. And I'm going with a full-blown, feathered back, just full quaff. They were wearing bell-bottoms on that show. Yeah, they were so total 70s. After season three, they were just like, fuck it. People didn't say the expression sit on it

didn't catch on until that show was a hit later, many years later. I did. Wow. God, you got so possessed saying that. I really did. I was so excited with my stupid because, yeah, they made shit up. Also,

there was an episode where a space alien came down and then he got his own show. So that happened. I remember my brother saying, if you're ever watching MASH and you want to figure out, is this the good part of the run, or the bad part, if BJ

is there with the pink shirt and the mustache, it sucks. Anything post-BJ getting the big stash and the pink shirt, then it's horrible. But early MASH with Frank Burns, great. I like some of the BJ episodes. There was a lot of crossover with Frank Burns.

The early BJ ones, again, before the mustache. Oh, you're talking about mustache and pink shirt. Exactly. As soon as he puts on the pink shirt. When he grew the mustache and put the pink shirt on. The episode called The One with the Pink Shirt. Yeah. When he looked like the bartender at the Regal Beagle all the time.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Not 50s hair. Look at pictures of guys from the 50s. Well, they also stopped going outside. Like, it ended up being inside a lot. And it was horrible in the end. And, of course, when Radar left, then it was just really ridiculous. Well, we all remember where we were when Potter got preachy.

And that's what ruined it for me. You know, if you go hiking in Malibu Canyon, the mash set is still up there. You can visit the mash set. It's there. I mean, it's barely there. What do you mean? The jeeps, the helicopter landing pad, the frames for the tents. I think that's a current thing.

No, no, no. They're really defending Malibu. Those are still operational? Yeah. You never know when Mexico is coming back. Bringing Nick Nolte on a helicopter. Nolte again? When is this war going to end?

What if they never told Jamie Farr the show was canceled? He's just going crazy up in the woods still. Yeah, I'm waiting for the blue pages. That would explain why he's never had a comeback show. He still thinks he's on a show. He's done eight more seasons. He still needs a section eight. So what about movies that you guys are in?

Do you have projects in development that we could hear about? Or I know Patton's got a... Adam's sticking his head no. I was going to do Ocean's 14. Everyone wants a follow-up to the Hammer. Hammer 14. Yeah, I got nothing. But you're trying though, right?

No. Really? Not really. My phone never rings. Podcast is keeping you busy? I never pick it up, even if it does ring. I really should be doing something, but I'm really not. Obviously, if I was doing something, I wouldn't be here.

Let's call spade a spade. Like, I didn't just break away from the set. I didn't tell Scorsese I need to take 20 and come over and do Doug's show, you know, talk about mash. I mean, I didn't, obviously, nothing's brewing. You know, here I am, right? What about you, Patton? I broke away from the set. I told

Soderbergh to suck it. Do you play the rat in Scorsese's Departed 2? I was there, yeah. I come out there and these guys are corrupt! I don't know why I got a Brooklyn accent all of a sudden. I'm in a little...

Ratatouille moves to Brooklyn. Yeah. You're good to go.... Ratatouille moves to Brooklyn. Yeah. You're good to go. Ratatatouille. Get it? It's a fucking machine gun, you yutz. Ha!

It's a goddamn joke there. You meatball-sucking fag. I don't know why he's so mean. Play a Stone song behind me while I kick this guy to death. Now go get your fucking cheese box. Go get your cheese grater. All rats. So you got a movie coming out, right?

You got a crazed fan movie coming out. A crazy, yeah, a crazy guy that goes insane. It's a remake of The Fan with Wesley Snipes. Yes. I play the Wesley Snipes and Robert De Niro role. It's called Big Fan, and it's by the guy that wrote The Wrestler, and it's his follow-up. Really?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. No, it's literally, it's opening the way that I Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. No, it's literally, it's opening the way that I, as a comedian, would tour. It's in a city for a week, and then when it opens next week in a different city, it closes in that city.

It's like they only have like five prints or something. Oh, they drive a print around? Yeah, yeah. We got distribution, and I met like four people from the distribution company that's doing it, and then when they left, we were at a party, and I go, they seem really nice, and they go, that's the whole company. That's it and then when they left we were at a party and I go they seem really nice

and they go that's the whole company that's it those are the four guys the company's really behind this movie do you think you have a good shot at one of the ten Oscar nominations for best picture is opening up to ten going to allow Pat Oswalt's crazy fan into the mix

because Restler would have gotten nominated for best picture probably if there were 10 last year. I don't know. We'll see what the reviews are like, man. That's a good question. I was just joking around, but if you think it's a good question, that's cool. That's some folks coming in.

Wow. Well, you heard an Oscar chatter. Go let it in! I fear they're leaving. I was like, bullshit! That's going to get dominated. And then I have like... Do you think anyone's ever said like, give me Wesley Snipes or Patton Oswalt?

Wesley's currently in... He's being detained at LAX. Then give me Patton. He's in Naibia dodging tax evasion. Patton was in Blade 3, actually, though. So they did work together. Oh, you did? That's exciting.

That was quite an experience. I know we've talked about him before on the podcast, but hopefully the listeners are as stoned as I am. Yeah, yeah. Tell us again, just in a nutshell, a key word nut about Wesley Snipes. He is crazy as a soup sandwich

and he wanted to he basically wouldn't he wouldn't answer to anything. That's two episodes of Joel McHale's Soup Back to Back, right? Soup Sandwich. You need people have a big soup sandwich. Put it inside a soup!

That would be a three-episode thing. He wouldn't answer to anything but the name Blade. And he would only... He tried to strangle the director one day. Literally tried to strangle him, physically tried to strangle him. And then that night we went out, we were all drinking. And Ron Perlman was there in Vancouver doing another movie, so we were at a strip club, and there were all these bikers there, so we went up to the bikers and said, hey, if we give you guys a bunch of beer, will you

just come in tomorrow, just in a phalanx around the director, just to freak Wesley out, so we went the next day with this group of bikers around the director. They just stood around him all day. Wesley, could you... And also, if you watch Play 3, Wesley's barely in it. It's all his double. Unless it was a close-up of his face, he wouldn't be in the scene.

I don't like those pretty boys like Ron Perlman. You know? I think they can just whip their cock out and someone's going to start sucking it. You know? I mean, obviously he's attractive, but I feel like you need to have acting chops as well.

It's not good enough just to be good looking. When you're in the tabloids every week, you're going to get movies because it's free advertising. When you and Gerard are out on the town just laying the fucking best You can walk up to any hot lady in Hollywood

and say, want to see The Beast? You're pretty much in business. It was a crazy shoot, and it was also great because it was that classic, I want to be part of a troubled movie, and I got to be part of one of the most insane productions I've

ever seen. Yeah, they pulled it together pretty good, though. The movie was the Godfather 3 of the Blade series. Movies never get good until the third one, if you really think about it. It's true. That's where they really get the momentum. That's when Jaws hit its stride. Jaws 3 was the best. Can't this jump off the screen?

I don't want to see Richard Dreyfuss flat. was the best. Can't this jump off the screen? I don't want to see Richard Dreyfuss flat. Richard Dreyfuss moved on before too. Blade 3 is a C- if you see it. But if you know what they went through to make it, it's an A++. The fact that

there's actually a beginning, middle, and end kind of is such a fucking miracle. They should have given that thing the Nobel Prize. It was amazing. There's some good stuff in it. It got Ryan Reynolds started as an action guy. Got him working out. Finally.

Finally, that guy pulls his shit together. Yeah, exactly. But he's always covered up. He'll never take his shirt off. Oh, wait a minute. He's nude right now. I have to tear the cover off of my Entertainment Weekly to go to the gym because I didn't want

to give anybody the wrong idea because Ryan Reynolds was on the cover with his shirt off. Yeah. Oh, he was on the cover. He was on every page

with his shirt off. Like, it is... I think if you flip the bottom corner, you can see a little thing of him taking his shirt off. He did a... Those little cartoons.

A little flip book? Yeah, just so you can watch him doffing. Doffing. I love how in the... Doffing, those little cartoons. A little flip book? Yeah, just so you can watch him doffing. Doffing. I love how in the, Doffing, ladies and gentlemen. I haven't seen the proposal with Sandra Bullock,

but I love the scene where she's terrified that a nude Ryan Reynolds is laying on top of her. Yeah. Like her character wouldn't be like, lucky me.

That's my lucky ding dong thing. I'm not gay, but once he was naked and on top of me, I'd let him fuck me. Yeah. My fear is like, this is divine intervention. I don't know what you'd call it.

You could actually just say, I had to fuck my way out of it. I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to. Have you seen his build? It's not like I had a choice. It's like I was in a jail made of popcorn. I'd eat the bars. I had to eat my way out of that.

What am I going to do? It's divine penetration. Yeah. You're squeaky clean. eat my way out of that. What am I going to do? It's divine penetration. Yeah. You know, you're squeaky clean. He smelled of a Prel. Like, what was I supposed to do?

Yeah. Besides, if you're going to, you know, if you're going to experiment, Reynolds is the guy to start with. You don't want to start with Perlman.

That's a whole different thing right there. Ron Perlman, he's a good guy, but you can tell he just comes chilly. You know what I mean? Like that guy.

Yeah. It can't be that clean. Yeah. And he's a good guy, but it's probably like horrible statement here. It's probably like Alien where it just burns

through the subflooring and goes down to the next floor and it just gets good. Don't get under it! Give me your pen! Ron Perlman was in Alien 4. He was?

He was? Yeah. He was really good in it. He was a badass. Oh, that's right. Yeah. That sort of led to, I guess,

him being in the movies that he's in. Yeah. He needs a Kevlar condom. He needs an oven mitt made not a condom man i couldn't think of hellboy i'm thinking of hellboy okay so uh shall we play a game yeah this first one uh we'll use this first game to determine who goes first in the leonard malton game let's do it that way that'll be fun this is a uh i'm gonna try something sort of new

for the podcast this is a game i play on Twitter sometimes called Fake Co-Stars. So what we do is we get two co-stars, two names, and then whoever can think of a good title that embodies two of that co-stars, their work together into one movie. I'll give you examples. Last episode, I got the names George Clooney and Peter O'Toole. I couldn't think of one on the spot, but then later I thought of Three King Ralphs. It would be a fake co-star for George Clooney and Peter O'Toole. I couldn't think of one on the spot, but then later I thought of Three King Ralphs. Would be a fake

co-star for George Clooney and Peter O'Toole. Melanie Griffith and Denise Richards could star in some wild things. Just like something wild in wild things. You're getting the gist of it. And Patton Oswalt and Drew Barrymore in Ratatouille T. Extraterrestrial.

Wow. Oh, wow. And this game is called Not Sweaty at All, right? Yeah, it's called Not Making a Strenuous Effort for Humor or Fun Game. That's the longer... I call it fake co-stars on Twitter because I don't have a lot of space.

Nice. So you come up with these two co-stars. I'm going to get a couple names from the audience, and then whoever, which one, you guys come up with a good title that meets my approval first. Can't we just get a location and an occupation? Let's just break a herald off right now. Name a movie star, movie actor.

Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman. That's a good one. Natalie Portman. And then you, sir, over here with the Love LA shirt on. Jeff Bridges. Jeff Bridges and Natalie Portman. Oh, this is a good one.

Jeff Bridges and Natalie Portman. The Fabulous Beautiful Women. The Beautiful Girls. What the hell was that Portman movie? Elf or Lebowski. That's pretty good. I like that let me try to think of one here

what was she in what Closer that's a hard one to match up to a Jeff Bridges movie Closer it's a tough game Doug there's

let me just point out the flaw in this game for you. You came up with all these witty things you had six weeks in Google. No, I do them off the top of my head. I don't Google them, but that was Elfer Lebowski came right out. That was pretty good.

What was yours again? She was in Beautiful Women, right? Beautiful Girls. Was she in Beautiful Women, right? Beautiful Girls. Was she in Beautiful Girls? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So I said, wait a minute, what was the other guy? I smoked too much pie.

Oh, I said, yeah, Jeff Bridges. I said Fabulous Baker Brothers, Beautiful Girls, or whatever that was. Fabulous Beautiful Girls, or something like that. All right, so Alfred Lebowski wins like that. All right, so L for Lebowski wins the contest. All right, all right. What? She wasn't Alf. Alf?

Alf. Alf. What's Alf? No, he's not saying Elf for Lebowski. Wow. He's saying the letter L. The letter L for Lebowski like V for Vendetta

that she was in now she gets it we had a confused audience member it's been taken care of wait a minute this is this is

this is this is that was really sweet though that was sweet yeah what was she an elf? I don't know no no

I'm saying that was she was very she was like the girl was like you forgot to give us homework over Christmas vacation. Like, oh, you forgot. I bet you've done that once in your life. And I was like, oh, I can't do it.

You're saying you can just do something clever. You don't have to take two actual movie titles and combine them like I was doing. I know that that's a stretch, but it kind of works. All right, are you allowed to, your artistic license. It was good for that fast. Okay, all right, I got you. Yeah, you know, I just thought I'd try this game. Thank you, Doug.

Good for that fast. I didn't think it would work that great, but it was okay. We had some fun with the lady in the audience. That was fun, yeah. The young woman in the audience. All right, so let's play the Leonard Maltin game here to wrap this up. Basically, what we have is to level the playing field, because Patton is one of our best players in the history of the podcast.

One time he got a movie in zero names, I believe. I think I'm one of three people that did it. Yeah, the other two people are Dana Gould. Adam knows both these guys from his show. Dana Gould and O'Connell. Jerry O'Connell. They both got answers right with no name. He should put his shirt on, too.

Jerry O'Connor? Yeah, we get it, Jerry. You used to be fat when you were nine. Now you're not fat. Now put your fucking shirt on. I know. And ILM should go back and take his shirt off more and stand by me, because he really had it going on.

How do you get a title with no clues? You just know the year. It's an amazing ability to combine the, you get the year, you get a genre, and the genre in this case is going to be car movies

or movies that feature cars. And also you just, you got to know Doug. Okay. You got to know your opponent, man. I'm like Vizzini in The Princess Bride.

Taking what I know of Doug, is he the kind of man that would pick a late period Burt Reynolds or an early? Because Burt Reynolds is from Jupiter, Florida as everyone knows. So they film Gator. So yeah, so you're up against it, Adam.

So to make things even, I made it car movies because that's certainly an area where Adam knows about that stuff. And try not to glance at my book because then you can tell where it is in the alphabet. I'm going to stare at Patton's back. And I'm going to try to think. That's Hollywood slang for your career's failing.

How's he doing? He's staring at Patton's back right now. We got to get him a sitcom or something. Because he's fucking staring. After that showcase in Montreal, he is staring at Patton's back. It's also what my construction foreman would yell when we're just sitting around. You guys quit staring at Patton's back. Get fucking back on that clapper.

Let's go. Jesus Christ, quit screwing the pooch and watch Patton's back. Let's go now. The drywall ain't going to hang itself. I'm also trying to think if I would know who you were if I was at this angle. No. So Patton gets to go first.

Oh, God. And this first movie is from 1988. Oh, boy. It's a movie that has something to do with cars The score for this movie Here's the clue This is a good clue The score for the movie was done by Joe Jackson

Wow I know, I didn't know he did any scores I didn't know that either And you've got 15 names, Patton, to name this movie from 1988 That has something to do with cars and Joe Jackson Fucking shit 15 names You could bid big to start See what Adam does See if he undercuts you from 1988 that has something to do with cars and Joe Jackson. Fifteen names.

You could bid big to start, see what Adam does, see if he undercuts you. Uh, god. 88 has to do with cars. Talk into the microphone, please. Oh, sorry. I'll bid four names. Four names? I gotta bid four, man.

Man, I'm lost. You're saying you're taking a lot of names by taking four out of 14? I'll go by four. You have to bid three or less, or you have to say to Patton, name that movie, and then I'll give him the four names. So you'll get the four names from the bottom. From the bottom. Wow. The tough part of the list.

Right. So I'll say name. Right. All right. So I'll say name that movie. All right. Name that movie, Patton. Here we go. He's not happy about it. Good luck.

All right. Good luck to everybody. Patty Austin is the last name. Patty Austin. Then there's someone called Dean Goodman. No help. Prior to that, there's another gentleman who's in a lot of movies his name is Peter Donat

he is he works a lot no yeah yeah yeah okay and then your fourth name 1988 something about cars is

Don Novello oh motherfucker wait a minute that's a pretty good clue talk into the microphone talk it through in the microphone 88

he can't think into the microphone he Talk it through in the microphone. 88. He can't think into the microphone, though. He can't think into it. He has to move his head. Don Novello. Oh, shit. The only one that I could think of that came around that time, I'm going to say Speed Zone. Wow. That's a great guess because it sounds like it's about cars.

All right, and you guys jump in when you know it. I'm going to say the rest of the names. Now, when you say Joe Jackson, you mean the father of deceased Michael Jackson? The father of Michael Jackson. In between slappings and beltings. Wrote music for this motion picture. And trimming his mustache so he can even look more evil.

He's like, how can I look more evil? I'll thin my mustache out. So it's just pencil thin. Are you actually saying it's Michael Jackson's dad that did the music or the British guy?

The British guy. Okay. Yeah, yeah, it was the British guy. All right. You were really worried that we were seeing this about that? I don't know. Either way, it totally throws me.

I can't see Joe Jackson at a piano doing stuff for a car. Here's what Leonard Maltin said. Leonard Maltin said, lively score by Joe Jackson. Lively score? Oh, man. So you better jump and jump. Driving out tonight. All right. So guess as soon as you is she really driving

is she really gonna pop that clutch tonight is she gonna be on the nose i'm sorry okay go ahead marshall bell corky nemick corin corky nemick christian slater, Nina Somasco Elias Koteas, Dean Stockwell Mako, Frederick Forrest Martin Landau Joan Allen

Jeff Bridges 1988 Heart like a wheel Heart like a wheel It's called Tucker A Man and His Dreams That's only like I don't know. It's called Tucker, a man and his dreams. That's only like 90% of that movie is about cars, Doug. The other 10% is talking around a table.

No, most of it is talking, and then the car won't run, and they've got to push it. Remember they were pushing it on stage? That's a good movie. Oh, you thought it was going to be something bad? All car movies suck. I can't believe you picked a good car movie. Oh, you thought it was going to be something bad? All car movies suck. I can't believe you picked a good car movie. Oh, well, I like some of these car movies. I never got past the Joe Jackson thing. I got to say.

So Adam gets a point. That was a weird clue. Yeah, man. It made it harder rather than easier. But we give a point to Adam. He earned it. Good play. Good play.

Really burned some calories on there. Where do I go home and tell my wife? I beat Patton Oswalt. Who's that? Doug Benson. Don't worry. Don't worry about who those guys are. But worry about this game you've never heard of.

This is from 1980. Adam gets to go first this time Okay Elvis Costello scored this one It's from 1980, it's a car movie And my clue is I love this movie It's one of my favorites Alright

And you get ten names to try to figure out what it is Okay, I'll say Still unclear here, but I'll say six Because it sounds right That doesn't feel too bad I think you can do it in six What about Patton? I'll say four

Patton jumps to four Ballsy move from Patton Yeah Blew my face last time He gets up, he gets fourth, fourth. We get one... He gets four from the bottom. Four from the bottom.

You could go three from the bottom, or you could say name that movie. I'll say name that movie. All right, it worked for you last time. Here we go, Patton. 1980? Yes. All right. Wendy Jo Sperber.

I know, it's a funny name. She died of cancer. They're all people Phil Spector's killed. That's the one clue I want to give you. Wendy Jo. Then there's Andrew Duncan. I love this movie, and I couldn't even tell you who he plays in the movie. But Andrew Duncan has made the listing.

And then Michael McKeon and David L. Lander. Oh. That's a pretty good clue. Wait, wait, wait. Don't yell it out. From 1980. Let's put some time

on the clock. Grand Theft Auto? It's funny because a lot of people don't know that that title had a question mark at the end. Yeah, yeah, it did. It was called Grand Theft Auto? For the makers of B&E? All right, so Adam gets the point again,

but I'll list off the rest of the names and see if one of you can jump in and get it. Joseph Flaherty from that comedy show up north, SCTV. Deborah Harmon. Frank McRae. Garrett Graham. Jack Warden. I'm going to say the Betsy.

In a dual role. Jack Warden. Oh, a dual? Oh, God damn it. Use cars. Yeah, use cars is the answer. Did you guys know that in the audience? No, I didn't know that. You love that movie, though, don't you? No, I never saw it. Yeah, used cars is the answer. Did you guys know that in the audience? No, I didn't know that.

You love that movie, though, don't you? No, I never saw it. Oh, Jesus. You've got to not see that as soon as possible. Make plans to not see it. It's so good. I interviewed Robert Zemeckis down at Comic-Con, and when I mentioned I was rallying off his credits,

I went, and he's the director of Used Cars, and people just went batshit. People love that movie. Yeah, it's an amazing movie. It's really fun. The boring police are coming to the theater, by the way.

You can't hear it. No one listening to the podcast can hear it, but there's sirens outside. And Adam correctly identified that there was a specific siren of the boring police. We hear there's something really boring going on in here.

I love how old-timey radio Doug was. For those of you listening at home on the wireless, Adam was referring to cops in the background. He got such a big laugh from it. I don't want people to be like, why does that make any sense? Patton has just hit Adam with a pie. Okay, so we're going to keep playing even though Adam already got the best two out of three. He already beat you.

I smashed you by doing nothing. How about this last one is worth 80 points? Oh, that's a good idea. Okay, this is worth 80 points. Wait a minute. I don't like that thing. I don't like that thing where the guy goes, I just beat you 199 times in pool.

Let's make this last game worth 200 games. That's how America was founded, my friend. Really? All right. Why don't you go blow some of Bin Laden? You don't like it. I don't like game shows where the later rounds, the points go so high that why did we sit through the first rounds?

What did those have to do with anything? What if the World Series worked that way? We're up 3-0, but this fourth game's going to be worth 10 games. You can actually go into the new season up six games if you win. Make the first game that. I wish I knew what the World Series was.

I would laugh my ass off. The World Series of what, of poker? Yeah. Heterosexuals gather together to hit a ball. Is this Prince's World Series of Love with him and Sheena Eaton every year? This better be a shitty movie, Benson. Okay.

I hope it is. Alright, so this is from Adam Gets to Go First Again. This is from 1983. It's a car movie. Leonard Maltin gives it two stars. So I think that's in the fair range

For his money But for my money it's not that good And you have eight names You have eight names From 1983 If Leonard Maltin Shaved that beard He could just go into a raping spree

And then just grow it back Like in his mom's basement And then he could rejoin society and nobody would know. He could shake his beard and put on a Harry Potter robe. Yeah, it would actually, it would give him away

because they would go, what happened when he was draping? It was like, he was really going off about the films of Bob Rafelson. Like, molten! He would totally give it away. All right, so 83.

83. Two stars. Two stars. Car movie. And there's eight names? All right, so 83. 83. Two stars. Two stars. Car movie, and there's eight names? Yeah. All right, I'm going to go four. Four names, says Adam Carolla.

I'm going to go three. Name that movie. Oh, shit. It's worth this far. Why not? Why change your system? Yep. Could be a complete shutout here. Okay, three names you got from 1983, and they are... A couple. Yep. Could be a complete shutout here. Okay, three names you got from 1983

and they are... A couple. Okay. The first name... Nick Lowe scored this. The first name out of eight names is Kelly Preston.

Then you got... Then you got Roberts Blossom. Not a typo. Roberts Blossom. Good name for TSV. And Christine Belford.

Again, I don't know who that is. So that name's probably not too helpful. But Roberts Blossom. He was always the old coot in everything. They needed an old coot. Right. And Kelly Preston had an old cooch whenever they needed They needed an old coot. Right. And Kelly Preston had an old cooch whenever they needed it. Wow. Wow.

I'm going to say Christine. That's correct. Oh, man. That is a good call. We've got to do another one. Robert's Blossom is the creepy, horrible old man in that isn't he?

Yeah yeah He's always the creepy horrible old man You did kind of prompt him for that I did and I picked all car movies Alright that's for me Okay here we go But Patton gets to start this one No cannonball runs

No gumball rallies No real car movies Maybe I was eyeballing gumball rallies? No real car movies? Maybe. I was eyeballing gumball rally for a long time, but the names are too obscure. The only famous person in gumball rallies, Raul Julia. Yeah, he is.

I mean, yeah, he was. He's dead, yeah. A lot of range, though. Gumball rally, Kiss of the Butterfly, or whatever that movie was in. Yeah, there's a lot of range there. Street Fighter. Street Fighter. We could name Raul Julia movies all night.

But then that siren will happen again. Alright, here we go. From 1977. Oh. Yeah. Oh Christ. It's featuring or about cars in some way. Len Maltin calls it hokey.

Doesn't call it pokey, just hokey. And you have six names. Six? Yeah, how many can you name it in, Patton, from 1977? In three. Adam? I'll do two just to say I'm doing it this time Name that movie

There's no way you're going to get this Oh yeah? Corvette Summer Oh that was a good guess No John Rubenstein Or Steen And R.G. Armstrong Or Strying Okay

The Van Really? That was another good guess You had two great guesses R.G. Armstrong, or straw-ing. Okay. The van. Really? Yeah. That was another good guess. You had two great guesses. Thank you. I'll give you the rest of the names. Ronnie Cox, John Marley, Kathleen Lode, Lloyd, Lode.

I'm just thinking about my record that came out today, Unbalanced Lode. Kathleen Lloyd and James Brolin, a movie about cars. The car. The car. The car. Oh, shit. What kind of car was it, Adam? I bet you know that. In the car?

Yeah. It was a Daihatsu Charade. It was an 88. I know it seems weird. Oh, an 88 and 77? That's amazing. They got a prototype of a charade. This is how cool the car was.

In the description, it just calls it a thriller about a killer car. It doesn't even say what kind. Every other movie about a car would say what kind it is. Roland may have been in Killdozer as well. I'm not sure. This is really sad, but I have a die-cast model of the car. Oh, well, I didn't stand a chance. It's a huge, satanic limo.

Really? Kind of limo-looking thing. Stretch limo. That's awesome. It's back when machinery would be evil. I mean, I know we have transformers now,

but I mean, back then, tractors and things would be possessed. No one's going to make a movie now called like The iPhone. That's going to be

kind of weird. Yeah, although I did... It's texting by itself. I did have an idea for one called Navageddon. Where... Well, now, seriously, hear me out. I did have an idea for one called Navageddon. Well, now, seriously, hear me out.

But promise me none of you homos are going to pitch this tomorrow. You know that Lexus that parks itself? You know what I mean? I mean, it's the year 2035, and the doors lock, and all the cars steer themselves, and all of a sudden, the evil satellite sends all the cars for the Grand Canyon. You just get in your car, and you think you're going over to the Gelsons. All of a sudden, the doors lock, the steering wheel takes over, and the skull and crossbones on the screen, you know what I mean?

And then you just go plunging into the Grand Canyon. But they take a Polaroid of you as you're plunging Thelma and Louise style. But I play a scrappy ex-Navy SEAL who's driving a 72 Ford Bronco. It's like, I don't go for all this technology. And I gotta get up there and stop that

satellite. Satellite. You told me you didn't have any movies cooking. I'm paired with a wisecracking Roomba robot, you know, who goes up there with me and helps me. Oh, is it named Flory? Yeah, Flory, yeah. What's it like working with Ang Lee?

He's awesome. He's great. Do you guys have any plugs real quick before we go? Anything you want to plug? Anything going on? Adam's got the Adam Carolla podcast, of course. Oh, wow. I'm doing Blade 9.

Blade 9's coming out. Yeah, we got the podcast. And speaking of cars, there's the CarCast, the weekend podcast show about cars. All about cars. Oh, my goodness. You can check that out. I'm in a big fan opening August 28th.

Which city is it open for? It'll open in New York and Philadelphia. Get it? Because it's about a rivalry, and then it goes nationwide. I said that like it said, and then it goes nationwide. I'm very sorry that it will be coming to a theater near where you are. Total sellout nationwide release. Not like my smaller

Pixar movie. Yeah, with a bunch of fucking people watching it like a loser. I'll be at Go Bananas in Cincinnati August 20-24. Let's have a round of applause for Patton Oswalt and Adam Carolla. As always, Dakota Fanning is a shithead.