Doug Loves Movies - Ali Siddiq, Nate Bargatze and Bert Kreischer guest

Episode Date: April 24, 2017

Live from Zanies Comedy Club in Nashville, Doug welcomes Ali Siddiq, Nate Bargatze and Bert Kreischer to the show. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey everybody, this episode of Doug Loves Movies is dedicated to Kimmy Jones, who attended, I'm pretty sure, every taping we've ever done of Doug Loves Movies in Nashville, Tennessee. And she couldn't make it to this one because she passed away this year. You can read some of her stuff at the girl in the wheelchair dot com. Rest in peace, Kimmy. Today's episode is brought to you in part by Two Dope Queens, a podcast from WNYC Studios. Join Jessica Williams and Phoebe Robertson for stories about sex, romance, race, living in New York, and more. Be the first to listen to Season 3 on Spotify for free at Spotify.com slash Dope Queens, and check out all your favorite music on the Spotify mobile app. Doug hates candy wrappers, sweetie babies, sticky seeds,

with 50 azapop or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey, hey, hey everybody My name is Doug and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies. What is this about? Oh, there's a note. I don't have to ask you, I can just read it.

Last time you were here, I brought a bunch of movies for the prize bag. Here's more. And a pop figure. Oh, and then you signed it, the guy in the audience with a Groot doll. I guess I should put that in the bag, too. So there's just like a ton of movies in here?

Oh, there's a good amount. What's that? There's a good amount. There's a good amount. Not a ton. I'm like, there's a ton of movies here? That's a good amount. I didn't weigh them or anything, but...

Pretty good amount of movies. And then you got this Rogue One guy whose name, you can pronounce that? Jirat Emwe. Jirat Emwe. Yeah, makes sense. What actor played him? Was that the...

Okay, now I know who that is. Now I get it. The pop figure is just so chill, he's not like running and screaming the same thing over and over again. Alright, so we're going to include that in the prize bag.

Thank you very much for that. Guy in the front row with a Groot doll. Plus I brought a bunch of stuff and I also brought some games, some questions, some general fuckery. We're coming to you once again

from Zadie's in Nashville, Tennessee. What is it? It's Saturday, April 22nd, and I'm in the mood for name tags. What's the name tag situation? It's quite good, as it turns out. Oh, you were kidding about how big that one was. Shh. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Oh, you were kidding about how big that one was.

Wow, I am on a bed with a young lady. Things are looking up. Courtney is 40. Is that true? And it's your birthday today? You turned 40? And you took the This Is 40 poster with Paul Rudd and Judd Apatow's wife? You replaced both of them with me and you.

That is, what a special thing to do on your birthday. Sarah Wars, that's a very, that's a classy one. No offense, Wreck-It Rachel. Diary of Andrew Frank, I don't know if I approve of that. Frank's just sitting there in his little schoolgirl outfit, just wishing to live in a better time. sitting there in his little schoolgirl outfit just wishing to live in a better time.

Oh, Tristan's the name of the guy with the Groot doll. It says, I am Tristan. It's all making sense now. Guardi Quinns of the galaxy, because your name is Quinn. Yes, sir.

This isn't a military operation. Although I am a judge now, maybe. Maybe I'll be a judge some more. And then there's a photography book that has a picture of me in it. And Brittany turned that into her name tag, I guess. Just basically put her name on there. But check out this picture of me. I thought it was a pretty good picture. I've got tape over my mouth like I'm a hostage. And instead of showing the paper,

I'm just, you know, for what date it is, I'm just excited to have a newspaper. I'm just reading it. And I'm trying to drink, but there's tape over my mouth. And then the quote is, as hostage situations go, this one was fairly pleasant. So I should plug the book. It's called Funny Business by Seth Olenek,

and it's photographs of me and other comedians. Lots more famous ones than me in there, but it's pretty cool. Good name tag, Brittany. Good job, job everybody there's so many here today so many to choose from uh my guests are not going to have it easy but neither will you it's my guess no idea what that means doug plugs tomorrow we are, I am still here in Nashville and over at the Regal Cinemas Hollywood. I'm going to be interrupting

the Will Smith classic Wild Wild West at 420. Sounds like some of you are coming to that. Or you're just excited for events in general, whether you're going to attend or not, I say it's going to be wiki-wiki wild. Monday, Doug Loves Movies is back in Los Angeles

at Meltdown Comics, and Tuesday we're at the UCB Franklin in L.A., and next Saturday we return to Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. All of my dates and deets and links are at DouglasMovies.com. That's DouglasMovies.com! Somebody deserves a donut. Oh, wow.

I said that just because the top of this box says, you deserve a donut. Which is a great selling point for donuts, that you deserve one. Oh, yeah, this is good. This is going to come in handy, I think. All right, so thank you to whoever brought this box of donuts. Oh, it was you? Okay, if you say so.

I hate goddamn donut imposters. Sounds like no one else is saying it was, no, it's me, so I believe you did bring these donuts. And you didn't wanna draw your name on there and try to get it picked as a name tag? What? Nothing. Nothing. How'd you even know about the donut thing?

Just thought you might like some donuts. I don't know why everyone's acting like it's such an expected thing. I like to rearrange the furniture. I have a real feng shui thing going on. I'm still not going to be happy, but at least the birthday girl has got the worst seat in the house because she's just going to be looking at pretty much my back or whatever sitting on this table and uh but i'll try to you know get you involved every once in a while but but at least you got a bucket of beer in front of you a bucket of beers i should say it would make you sound horrible on the podcast. You're just slurping out of a bucket.

It's the Wild West Comedy Festival going on all this weekend. This is my second one, I think. I'm always excited to be a part of it. And these three dudes are all performing here this weekend, and they're all hilarious. Please give a big, warm welcome to Ali Sadiq, Nate Bargatze, and Bert Kreischer. That extra wave of excitement from the audience is because Bert hasn't taken his shirt off yet.

People are excited to see how long that's going to last. Just a little excitement and it'll rip right off. That's what happens as soon as you're in your happy space? Oh, yeah. Shirt comes off. Oh, I do it. I do it all the time. I've done it.

I do it in the grocery store all the time. My wife gets so fucking pissed. It's so much fun. Here, wait. I'll show you what I do. Hold my mic. I'll go. I'll go.

Fucking fish sticks are on sale. Oh, shit. And my wife gets so fucking pissed. First of all, my wife, and secondly, your seat's not so bad

now, is it? Fucking fish sticks. Fucking fish sticks Fish sticks are on sale But normally you don't have a hat on Because the hat slowed you down a little bit I almost fell off stage by the way I used to fuck with my wife all the time I'd take my wife

Now you got me saying my wife I'd take my wife, now you got me saying my wife. I'd take my shirt off behind her, like she'd be walking with the grace card, and I'd rip it off, and I'd look at people, and they'd go, what the, and I'd put it back on, and my wife's like, that person just looked at me weird, and I was like, yeah, I know. Is it like raining really hard right now?

Oh no, it's raining screws and nails. Oh, the hardware storm of 2017. Let's meet my guests individually, shall we? The first timer on the panel, let's see, directly to my left it's Ali Sadiq everybody how's it going man I'm good man I'm good I don't know if anybody here really knows me they just clapping cuz you saying my name but well you uh are performing here all this weekend you've already done some shows did you guys see him already there you go okay you having fun at the wild west fest man i'm sleeping most of the time it's like it's ridiculous we got out of here like two in the morning and i went on stage like one i'm

like why did they tell me to come here at 11 if i was going on stage at one so i just smoked the whole time and then went on stage and forgot everything i wanted to say at 11 30 you replaced At 1130. You replaced it with great stuff, though, I'm sure. Is that the show you guys saw? I saw the This Is Not Happening. Oh, he saw This Is Not Happening, the storyteller one. Yeah, they talking about the TV show. They not talking about the actual performance. You was here for the performance too?

I was. I was fantastic. Your expectations are very high. Oh. Now I get it. You got really high while you were waiting to be on This Is Not Happening. Yes. And because they do fucking make you wait around A long time on that show I wanna

I wanna I'm still mad about it I see I wanna come in If I'm Performing at 1130 I wanna walk in 1140

Be on stage Cause Cause I'm sober I'm sober at that time I come to the club Sober Cause I wanna I don't wanna walk in

Smelling like Reeking of Drugs And then Once I get here time. I come to the club sober because I don't want to walk in smelling like reeking of drugs and then once I get here, then hey, it's up. My drug use is going to start. I'm telling you. Yeah, that's why I host my own shows because then I go on right at the beginning. Oh, but I also arrive high

so I'm not the same as you at all. But thank you for being here, and we'll talk you through all the games and stuff that we play, and it'll hopefully make sense. I'll do my best. That's really all I can ask for. That's really all I can give you. You're going above and beyond

what a lot of my guests give in that regard. You know, there's usually a few more words after that. I'll do my best to ruin everything. But you just stopped it at just the right part. I'm going to try to do my best. Nate Bargatze's here, everybody! Thank you. Thank you.

You should put out a little mini version of Yahtzee for people to play at bars. Bargatzee? Bargatzee, yeah. I'm an idea man, you guys. That's why I smoked weed before the show. Come up with genius ideas like that. We're going to do it, you know.

2018, look out for that. It's got to be a full year to wait. It's not even a real hard idea, but maybe 2020 we'll have it out. Just keep an eye out for it. The website. I'm never going to be able to say your last name the same now that I didn't not put Yahtzee and Bargatzee. We say Bargetzee.

We don't even say. Bargetzee! Yeah. Rip my shirt off no Bert I'm just glad that you acted it out for everybody Bargotsi

but also I think you guys are too close we're really close right yeah we're really really close I moved over a little bit

and then you I moved back over close to me I felt really close right Yeah We're really really close I moved over a little bit And then you I moved back Over close to me I felt really close to him I was like God why did I specifically stood up And went like this

And then I sat back down And then you Yeah then you came back You came back over And then I really thought I was like watching A like a

Science fiction movie From the 70s Where Burt was a baby growing out of Nate's shoulder. But let's talk to Nate for one more second. You're also performing at the festival this weekend. Having a good time. Having a good time. Yeah, I live here. and having a good time.

Having a good time. Yeah. I live here, so it's, yeah. It's fun to be, to get to a festival and I don't have to go somewhere else, you know? Yeah, and all your comedy, lots of your comedy friends are coming through town. Yeah, all you guys come through. I get to hang out with all you guys near my house,

which is great. And then I go home pretty late. Wife doesn't care about that. But, you know, what are you going to do, right? All right. I think I put together a panel today so you're not as intimidated as you have been in the past.

I mean, I don't think it's the panels. It's the game. I know nothing. I don't know anything about movies. So, but it's... I should have almost made this let's see who wins at knowing the least.

It would be... But I feel like it's easy to cheat. It would be so... Great man, I haven't heard of that. Oh, I know we've already talked to you plenty, but Bert Kreischer's here, everybody. We've already talked to you plenty, but Bert Kreischer's here, everybody. Do not worry, Nate. When I am on the show, the games are simple.

Yeah, I try to make them a little easier. Yeah. And with his little wrinkles to make it easier for everybody. So I think you'll be fine. I've been watching a lot of movies lately. Really? God damn it, yes. Why are you so mad about it? Because I have been, and I can't remember the names of any of them right now.

Well, think about it a little longer. We'll get to that question shortly. But before we get into talking about movies, I want to talk about stuff for the prize bag. I flew in with a bunch of stuff. Missed my connection yesterday through no fault of my own. And so I got stuck in Houston for a night. I got to spend one last night here in Nashville,

so that was kind of sad. I know, right? But look at the neat toiletry kit they gave me. I mean, that's like, okay, I'll stay in Houston. I got a nice comb. Who the fuck uses a comb like that anymore? You with Fly United? That's so racist,

because that's a comb only for white people. Why wouldn't they as a pick we got some hydrating conditioning We got some We got a Hydrating conditioning shampoo Revital scent Revital scent They're just making up words now

So yeah So I got that for Having to stay in Houston I got a hotel cookie I don't want. Is that from Houston too? Did you brought that all the way? No, that's from maybe a couple cities ago.

It's been a few. Not even sure. Yeah, and then some random stickers. My favorite of which is Sloth from Zootopia enjoying a nice hit off of a pipe. Speaking of pipes, I would be giving these out.

They gave me so many that from now until December, I think every listener of Doug Knows Movies might get one of these. It's the Christmassy Peacemaker pipe. They sent me so many of them. Here's the thing. I couldn't even tell you where I got it.

Oh wait, maybe I can. In the mail. This is... Somebody sent me... A One Direction alarm clock. Wow. And that One Direction you'll be going in when you wake up to this is in the direction of success.

More one-fifth of you than the other four, but nonetheless. Because that guy Zane, he's the Timberlake, right? He's the one that's killing it And everyone else is like, what happened? One Direction? I'm guessing, yeah Do you know One Direction?

Do your girls like One Direction? I like Justin Timberlake So, but I don't even know I didn't know the guy's name I asked Bert if his girls liked Oh, I said, I thought they called us girls I just assumed that I didn't even like I'm just used to being called girl I don't think he called us girls I just assumed that I didn't even like

I'm just used to being called girl I didn't even bat an eye Are you girls into boy bands? Yeah You ladies like One Direction? I'm like Yeah, I'm kind of on board with most of it Like

I like some of it You know, I don't know That's That's so my style I'm more a Timberlake guy myself But yeah I'm so used to being called I was just sitting here mad Because I like Justin Timberlake guy myself. I'm so used to being called Timberlake. I was just sitting here mad because I like Justin Timberlake too.

When he said it, I was like, I agree. Yeah. I think you can't enter Nashville and leave Nashville without being forced to eat a goo goo. There's a fucking free goo goo everywhere you turn. Or maybe those weren't free on the counter in the store. So I got one of them. Got a button for this new movie Free Fire.

And a copy of my CD. One of my CDs, I should say. This is weird. Someone in the audience named Dylan Gonzalez II said, here's something for the prize bag. Two tickets to see Tig Notaro on Sunday, July 23rd at 7.30. Yeah.

Yeah. So this is a prize bag that's making plans for you. Like whoever wins now has commitments. At least you got that One Direction alarm clock to go with it. Oh, I was going to save this for last because it might be the best thing, a Doug Loves Movies t-shirt. But then I realized the best thing... a Doug Loves Movies t-shirt, but then I realized the best thing... Oh, there's two things.

This thing is a... From at midnight, it's a thing you stick on the back of your phone and helps you to hold your phone for, like, selfies and stuff. I tried it. I don't like it.

Yeah, because you're not lower class. It's just a little handle on the back of the phone. I can hold the phone already. I don't need a little handle. One percenters just hold their phone. Okay, let's start with Bert. Guess what the final item is.

Ooh, um... Okay, let's start with Bert. Guess what the final item is. Ooh. Um. Tickets to see Larry the Cable Guy. An at-home AIDS test. Pedicillin. So close. So close. It's a public AIDS test. Penicillin. So close. So close. It's a public AIDS test. At home.

Nate, do you have any guesses? At home versus a public AIDS test. I have AIDS. How great would that conversation just guy on the bus goes, whoo, turns out I don't have AIDS. Bargatze!

That's what we're hoping to be that much of a reference that people just yell it out everywhere. My guess. Do you have a guess? A piano key. A piano key. Can you even pull one of those off?

I don't know. I'm going to accumulate your guesses, and then I'm going to say which one is closest. A homemade test. A kite. What? A closest. The homemade's test. What? A kite. A kite? Yeah.

A one that folds down real low that you can fit in that bag. Oh, I didn't know we could guess big in ATV. Oh. What's behind this curtain? A Polaris. An edible. Oh, that is a good guess. But I'd say kite is the closest.

Hey! Probably. Are we done guessing? Nazi memorabilia. Because this would probably fly in the wind. If you chucked it into the wind, it would probably fly around a little bit. So that's why it's closest to a kite. It's not edible, and it's not... I can't find out if I have AIDS From having it

Well how are they going to know? Owning it It's a coaster from Guy Fieri's Guy American restaurant Oh fuck yeah In New York City You guys Yeah

Extra donkey sauce. Those two words may be the best reason to not like Guy Fieri. Who wants fucking donkey sauce? I don't even want it in the room, let alone on my food. Ask for it. Excuse me, can I get a little more donkey sauce? You have to wave down a person. When I'm watching a donkey show,

I shield my eyes when the donkey sauce comes. By the way, there will be a time I have sex with my wife, and I'm like, where do you want me to put this donkey My wife! Where do you want me to put this donkey sauce? And then right as I come, I'm going to go, Borghazzi! Thank you. And I'm going to leave the room and go, thanks, Bert. And then I go, okay.

Yee-haw! Yee-haw! All right. With Bert, the game should just be, go ahead and guess something. This is fun, by the way. Right? It is super fun.

But we have to find out what you guys brought for the prize bag, starting with you, Bert. I bring... I gotta fucking step up my game. Oh, shit. I brought two shirts that say, I am the machine in Russian, and I brought my book, the national bestseller, Life of the Party. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with people that they trust that easily, Eddie said. Oh, my buddy Eddie.

My buddy Eddie kidnapped a girl one time. Yeah, she was this guy in the car and he's like, what the fuck's wrong with her? She was just getting in the car and he needed to teach her a lesson so he kidnapped her. And then I go,

Eddie, you're freaking me out and he goes, don't say her fucking names. No, we gotta kill her. And I was like... Is it safe to say these two shirts are in your least popular sizes?

Are they smalls? I don't think so. Yeah, not a lot of smalls in Nashville. It's your fucking fault. Lose the goddamn weight. What the fuck are you booing me for? Fucking bird is fat. Like how not fat do you have to get

for them to stop calling you fat? I've have to get For them to stop Calling you fat I gotta get sick I think The sad thing is I'm still overweight Like I'm not I'm not skinny

I said to my wife I go this is like My fighting weight And she was like I don't realize How much I reference this bitch I talk about her all the time Oh that's a good call though

Just to avoid The my wife I reference this bitch. I talk about her all the time. Oh, that's a good call, though. Just to avoid the my wife thing, say this bitch or my bitch. I was talking to my slut. My slut. We'll know who you're referring to, so we're going to do it no matter what. Go. Leanne said. Leanne said... Leanne! Nate, what's your wife's name?

Laura. What's her last name? Did she take your last name? Huh? Did she take your last name? I don't know. No, she took it. We're normal people

It's not like she made it before me Or something And she's like No one's gonna know me That's the only reason You would not do it What was her maiden name? Blair

I don't know But are you supposed to say that? I don't think so, because that's something... Because then my daughter, don't you, when she starts filling stuff out, you know, you always get asked your mom's maiden name for stuff. This is not. She can't fill out papers for the rest of her life. No.

She's four, and I've just ruined her for opening a bank account when she's 40, and everybody's Blair and they just guess it. I thought this was a big robot, but it's a building. It's the Batman building. It looks like a robot. Batman building.

Or Batman building, yeah. Yeah, we call it the Batman, or the big robot building, some people. Oh my god, I thought that was a fucking television screen this whole time. I just told Brian you could play a Jim Belushi movie on it. No, there's a screen that goes up. Oh, there is a screen. Yeah.

Yeah, you did shows here Last night right Or I was very fucked up Last night He did a show Where he goes Could you bring the screen

Down for me I want to show something To everybody That's literally his words On the stage last night And then yeah Tonight he thought This was that screen

No That wasn't true This lovely I thought you all Would start laughing As I started saying it And you didn't you did not. And then I had to go to the end of it.

What'd you bring for the bag? I have two things. One's a Vanderbilt hat. Is it like mom's visit your daughter's weekend or something over at Vanderbilt hat. Is it like moms visit your daughter's weekend or something over at Vanderbilt? Oh, there's a lot of fucking milfs. Is that what you're talking about? I saw, it was like fucking...

The two of us chose to word it differently, but... Is it some sort of family weekend? Family weekend? That's right in my swing zone too, like fucking perimenopausal. That's what I find sexy, floppy decolletage. I don't want to know what makes you start swinging. It's in my swing zone.

I will fucking hit that in the stomach. With a bat. Okay, so you got a hat. I got a hat. A bandy hat. This other thing is, so my, what is it, you're not supposed to say my wife this bitch I live with

is that the right one what are y'all gonna do okay no the lady lives at home your slam piece I don't know

so she's been I've been out all week so she gets upset and then this morning I had to wake up early and then we're like

she's trying to get all the puzzles back together for our daughter. So we have to see which ones are missing pieces. And we found, and then she had to leave. We couldn't find one. And it drove her crazy. And then when I left, I saw it. So you have that piece. Oh, shit.

And she'll never, it's going to drive her crazy for the rest of her life. Here, hold up the piece. I want to get a picture of you holding it. Great job. Oh, we've lost it already. Yeah, you can show up to her in 20 years and go, give her that piece. We won't be together probably by then, but you'll see her.

I'll be dead, but... Ali, what's up? My observation skills are really popping right now. My observation skills are really popping right now. Two people on this side of the room have on Jordans, and the both of us have on Pumas. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

We should dance back. Sides have been chosen. I brought two shirts, Sides have been chosen. I brought two shirts. And the shirt says, Mexican has on boots. From my This Is Not Happening story. That's it.

I got the text late. That's awesome. It's a tough shirt to rock around Mexicans. I have one, and I tell Ellie, I picked my daughter's up with school on it. My wife's like, what the fuck are you wearing? It's not a statement one way or the other. Yeah, but you can't just wear a shirt that says black people.

And then every black person's like, what's that about? And you're like, I didn't, it's just a shirt. And they're like, yeah, it says black people on it yeah my white people's was dirty that's funny as shit when I do your podcast, I'm going to show up with a shirt that says

white people. I wonder, could I do that? Making a shirt that just says black people and making a shirt that says white people. I'd definitely rock the white people. Wait, you are sure that it just says white people? Yeah.

It's not such a bad idea now. And then make one that says fuck Eskimos. No one's gonna to see that. They're so far away from us. It'll be one somewhere. What's he going to do?

What the fuck is that? You get harpooned. Just imagine you walk into the airport and the shirt is saying Fuck Eskimos And you just walk in And somebody from Alaska there Just And you just go down

That is Who do you think Flies their planes Alaska It's Eskimos Alaska there It's only Eskimos That's a fact.

This is one of the first venues I've done this show in where the clock on the wall is accurate and I don't have to look at my phone the whole time. That's pretty exciting. The clock on the wall is accurate. The drawing of Jay Leno, not so much. But, um... So... Who's that?

Who's that in the middle? I don't even know who they got. Huh? It's Bill Hicks. Bill Hicks? What? Wait, where's Bill Hicks? Right there, that guy. No, that guy's a fool. You know it's Tim Allen because he's holding a tool. Yeah. Except Foxworthy.

Except Foxworthy because you know he's about a tool. Is Jeff Foxworthy in? Jeff Fx Foxworthy because you know he's about to say redneck. What's worse, the hair or the mustache? I can't decide. But that dude in the middle, that's Andy Kaufman.

You like Dracula. No, no, no. It's Dracula. You know who it is? It's not Bill Hicks. No, it's check it out. No, it isn't him either.

Yeah. Billy Joel. Billy Joel. You guys... Oh, we're going to guess. Keep guessing. Lin-Manuel Miranda. Oh, oh, oh.

Paula Poundstone. I thought that would get a big laugh. Richard Pryor. Andrew Dice Clay. Andy Garcia's brother. No. Wait, why the fuck would you pick? It's a guy we know.

When you're making a poster, a big sign for the Wild West Comedy Festival, why would you pick those three guys? No, no, the banner for the festival's below. Yeah. Those things. The banner. This is separate.

I thought it was one poster. It's Finest Henderson. Who? Finest Henderson. Finest Henderson. Oh, yeah. That's his name. Oh.

You'll understand it, Bert, if I just keep screaming it at you. Finest Henderson. Finest Henderson! I thought that was one big poster and they chose those three gentlemen to represent. You also thought this was a TV. What's going on in comedy today? Well, we've got the home improvement guy.

Finest Henderson! Oh. Why use comics that are going to be on the festival? Let's just use three ones that I'm good at painting. No, those are always there. I'm sad that we can't see anymore because of the banners and the TVs, but there used to be a great depiction of a little weird pink guy

dying horribly in a car accident because he drank here and then tried to drive home. And it's really cute and sad at the same time. All right, so all that stuff is in the prize bag. Somebody's going home with all of it tonight. But real quickly, before we get into

the games portion, Bert, you've had some time to think about it. Can you remember one of the last movies you saw? Yes, I do. Fuck, I just forgot it again. No, no, no, no, no, no. I do. And that was such a good feeling because I watched it on the plane,

but I didn't see the whole thing. It's the one, Passengers. Right, with Chris Pratt is on a spaceship. How much of it did you watch? Is there any other characters yet? Yeah, yeah. He wakes her up.

Who, who, He wakes her up. Who? Jennifer Hudson. I'm quite sure it wasn't Jennifer Hudson. I'm damn positive. And she's like, and I am telling you. Wait, who's Jennifer Hudson? Jennifer Hudson is Amy Schumer's best friend.

They're both Oscar winners, that's true but jennifer lawrence j law j law yeah and they in the i okay i blacked out on my flight here to dallas woke up and i only watched to the part where he said hey i fucking woke you up and then i started it again on the next flight from dallas to here and i blacked out again and i only watched to the part where he said i just woke you up so then i just wikipediaed it and turns out you say she stuck don't say the whole story it's only been out in theaters and in home and home use for four or five months it got can i but can i do a little side note?

Can I tell you something, Doug? Sure. I did a podcast. We did Doug Loves Movies with a girl named Andre Vermillion. Right. And I... She's on that show, Angie Tribeca on TBS. My new favorite show in the world.

If you have not... If you're not woke on Angie Tribeca... Wow, you're such an activist. I don't know. Never mind. I don't think you could say you're woke on things that are just silly pop cultural curios. Well, I told someone today I was woke on Diet Coke. That'd be funny if they followed up Pepsi's ad with that. Get woke on Diet Coke.

That's another teaser, Dolly. But because of her, I watched Andrew Tybreka, and I was like, oh shit, that TV show's so fucking good. I think they did a bad job naming it, because I thought it was like a Gilmore Girls spinoff I just heard Angie Tribeca, I was like feminism

don't want it, don't need it I'm not all for feminism what is this some sort of cast off from Rizzoli and Isles I'm all for feminism but if you're saying like entertainment dollars my current time, what I'm going to spend, I'm not going to go watch feminist shit.

I'm going to watch shit I want to see. I'm very happy that you're feminist, but I don't privately, I don't really give a fuck. Do you understand what I'm saying? You go, oh, I'm glad they have UFC, but you don't go, fuck, I'm going to watch it.

I'm going to be bored out of my mind. Does that make sense? Like you don't like, you go, oh, I'm glad they have UFC, but you don't go, fuck, I'm gonna watch it, I'm gonna be bored out of my mind. Does that make sense? Yeah, are you not, so you're not woke on feminism? That's the guess. Yeah, I guess that's it. That's it. I'm gonna make your shirt not woke on feminism. Just go

feminine. That's a fantastic idea. Did that shirt put you to sleep? Yeah. That shirt put you to sleep faster than passengers. Yeah, passengers and Arrival. Arrival is a great fucking movie.

Arrival's legit crying on an airplane, sobbing, crying, and I can't fucking stop. And I'm like, are you shitting me? Oh, and I love time travel. Okay, but that's alright.

Nate, what was the last movie you saw? It was on Airplane 2, Sixth Sense. Wait, you saw Sixth Sense? My third favorite movie. I just thought, all right, you know what? You make it even worse. I saw it a long time ago. I rewatched it.

And I'm doing a joke about it now. So, pretty topical. You kind of look like the dude when he was in the bathroom as he grew up. He had his underwear on and he came, Yo, you didn't help me. You think he looks like Donnie Wahlberg? You didn't see it that... Yeah.

Is it? Yeah. That's the one guy I would hope you wouldn't say. Out of all the guys in the movie. That's the worst guy. I think you got kind of a Radcliffe going on right now. You look kind of Daniel Radcliffe-y, and that's never a bad thing.

Right, ladies? They're like, he can take his wand and expecto my patronum. Hey, Bert, what's going on down there? You're thinking? No, I didn't want to interrupt, but I... I could see you interrupting in your head. Did you really?

I'm fucking... Oh, my God. I had the best interracial moment watching The Sixth interrupting in your head. Did you really? I'm fucking, oh my God. I had the best interracial moment watching The Sixth Sense in New York. Me and this black dude sitting right in front of me figured out he was dead at the same time. And we both went. When was that, when the credits were rolling?

Yeah, oddly enough, it was very late in the movie. But then me and this dude that I didn't know, we just went through the whole fucking movie and we're like, shut up. Like, we just, he had dreadlocks on him. We just sat standing in the movie theater going, so wait, he was at the, shut up. And we were discovering it together.

And part of me wanted to say, hey man, we get things at the same time. We should hang out more often. So did he get kicked out the movie? And you kicked him? That's generally what happens. I've been in movies before. Yeah, Bert's sitting there talking with a guy the whole time

and then the usher comes in and Bert's like, hey, this guy won't shut up. What time are you going to start drinking today, Bert? I am holding off. Well, what time are you shooting for? Let's set a goal. I'm trying to start at 9 o'clock. 9 p.m.

Because Scott Stapp's coming to my show, and I don't want to be a fucking mess when I see him. The last thing anyone wants to do is let down Scott Stapp. Hey, I fucking love that guy. I fucking love that guy. We did Comedy Central's

comedy jam together. Yeah, you jammed on Comedy Central together. He's the coolest fucking dude. He's so nice, so sweet,

and I don't want to be a fucking dripping mess when he sees me. Like, hey, thanks for coming to my show. Can I touch your face? Well, I know he's already seen you with your shirt off, but that's another way to not be a mess when you see him. Just put your shirt back on. I shaved my back

and everything. You did? Yeah. But it's growing out so quickly. How do you get the... I think it feels real good. Do you do a quickly. How do you get the... I think it feels real good. Do you do a thing? How do you get the hard to miss spots? Do you have like a selfie stick? No.

I have my daughter to shave my back. That's why you have kids. A lot of people don't know. They like doing it? Yeah. I can't imagine, but I can't like... I mean,

they might, it's their fun time with their head. When you're about to hand one of, when you're about to, I've been gone for two weeks, who wants to go shave my back?

Oh, I'm so glad you're back. But then I can use, I use one of those disposable dick razors, like the one in there, and I just have them run it all over my back.

I know, because I like it, I want it clean. Any perimenopausal women into that? What's that peri part about? It's when they're getting ready to start menopause. They're just going through a bunch of body changes. Like having a hard time sleeping.

Yeah, maybe pre is what you're thinking. No, it's called peri. Did they name it after the dude that thought of it? What? Peri? P-E-R-R-Y? I think it's called perimenopause, right? I know a lot of women declinatize. Perimenopausal should be a character in a comedy.

Or that's what they should have called Angie Tribeca. Just so Bert would know it was a comedy. Like, getting back to that, the word Tribeca, it's kind of silly that that would be a person's last name. So that's why you're supposed to know it's a comedy. Wait, seriously? Yeah. There are people with the last name. So that's why you're supposed to know it's a comedy. Wait, are you, seriously? Yeah. There are people with the last name Tribeca. It's a region

in New York. Yeah, I know, but I just saw that. It just has the ring of like, this is for 14-year-old girls. And by the way, it is for 14-year-old girls. My daughter's 13, 12. Well, I'm sure they would love... I'm sure your daughters

would love Where in the World is Angie Tribeca, but this is at nighttime on TBS. No, my daughters love this show.

I started watching it with them. They love it. It's so fucking funny. There's a line... They're reaching their target audience, I guess,

if the teenage girls are watching with their dads. Dude, it is such a great... I can't say enough about it. I want them to change the name, though, so people know that it's a fucking comedy. But it's a little late.

They're in their third season. Applaud if you've never seen Angie Tribeca because you thought it was a drama. Okay. People have your back on that, Bert. Yeah, it's just they named it wrong. Your shave back. I never forget Bert.

My entire time I've known him, he's been upset that Shaft is about a man and not an elevator space. Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. I wanted to call it, when they did Trip Flip, they were trying to name it, and then Travel Channel was like, what do you think we should name it?

I was like, I think we should call it Threesomes, because it was me taking a couple on an adventure of a lifetime. And they're like, no, Trip Flip will work. I never liked the fucking title of that i was like how about third wheel how about like yeah what does trip flip mean nothing fucking stupid because it's not like you're taking a regular trip and flipping it it's the problem with it's the problem with uh television executives is they don't they don't have any they don't have any insight. So we took a black couple from Alaska, oddly enough. We took them to

South Carolina and I was like, I think we should be a little sensitive to the racial aspect. They're like, no! You're overthinking it. We took them to a Civil War reenactment. And the dude looked at me, and he was like, what team are we on?

It gets worse. It gets worse. It was an interracial couple. The girl was white. The guy was black. And that night, we put them up in an old antebellum mansion that was haunted. They were going to stay in the slave quarters. Because no one fucking wanted to be. Dude, that's the fucking problem with television.

And by the way, no one ever thought to go, hey, black guy, can you swim? No. Throw him in the fucking water, he almost dies. Because they don't want to sound racist. And so we put him in this old slave quarters that you're going to experience a haunting. And they're like, what happened? We're like, the lady here killed her husband

for sleeping with interracial. We're like, enjoy your rest. He was a really good sport though I like that guy Did they have their own water fountains at that place? No Do you know what? I used to have a joke

I used to say You know who I bet was really pissed off about integration? The guy who made water fountains Because he was selling them two at a time They literally cut his business in half It was probably a government contract He's like, are you fucking shitting me? I got a fucking mortgage?

Oh He had to downsize into a smaller home You see him moving out He probably had to move to a black community. Here's the problem, though, with third wheel, or what was the other one you said? Threesomes.

Threesomes. Do I really have to tell you the problem with those? Yeah, yeah. Well, because a TV show, like, you don't intentionally watch a show where there's a third person that's awkwardly not supposed to be there the whole time. That was the premise and the show I did for four years. But you tell them what to do the whole time. You're their guide.

You're not an awkward presence. You're like showing them everything to do. Yeah. Threesome just sounds like there should be a scene at the end where you're just alone crying like maybe next time. Like each episode you try to bed them and it never works out. And it ends with you listening in the wall with a glass.

You're always booked in the room next to them, sorry. Yeah, it was a fun show. I used to pitch shows to that network because I thought, like to Scripps, because they own DIY and HGTV and cooking and food. I used to pitch shows to them all the time. I was telling Ari about them today. I pitched a show called, they had a show called Yard Crashers,

Kitchen Crashers. I was like, how about Moat Crashers? Every man's house is his castle. Every castle needs a moat. You just walk into a Lowe's and you go up to dudes, you're like, yo, you building a moat today? And you know there'd be one guy go,

fuck it, y'all, I'll take a moat today? And you know there'd be one guy go, fuck it, y'all, I'll take a moat. You just do a pimped out fucking moat. I pitched him a show called Blind Design. You have a designer who's blind come in and design their house. Okay, let's put a chair here. I pitched another show called Bathrooms, Bathrooms, Bathrooms. Bert, you have a whole show here tonight.

Who's coming to see Bert tonight at 9.15? Yeah, so let's try to steer this back to movies. Sorry, sorry, sorry. What was that last pitch? I'm kind of curious. Bathrooms, I would like. Bathrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms.

That's where they put a bathroom. Turn every room in your house into a bathroom. When you're done, you have one for every race.

I tried to start a song. This is not going to go well. I fucking love doing this show. Well, this is the part, Bert, where you normally turn it off, but you can't. I mean, you can today, but I'd like you to continue to listen

since you're here uh this is the part where each of my guests has to decide who they're going to play for and they have to pick a name tag from someone in the audience right after i say let the games begin lots of good ones hold on hold on. Are there any in the balcony? Hold on, let me see, let me see. That is crazy.

Read of Peter Pan. Oh, what's that one? Worst seat, great name tag. All right, while these guys look around, we're going to go to a brief commercial message. We'll be right back. In the ring, in the back, you, right there. Today's episode is brought to you in part by Bosch,

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right? And if you're wondering how to get funding needed to run a small business today cabbage has the answer cabbage helps small business owners access simple and flexible funding right away without the headaches to come with applying for a traditional loan apply online or from your phone by securely linking your business information to get an automatic decision there's no waiting in line, scanning documents, or tracking down financial statements. Cabbage gives you the flexibility to decide what's best for your business. Once you're approved, you choose when to use your funds and how much to take. You'll only pay for the funds you actually use.

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Does anybody have a picture of Bert? He's on all of them. I was literally like, what is there a full book about me from? No, it's a bunch of pictures of comedians. And she's green-tagged some of the pages, I assume, because she got autographs, or she's trying to get autographs on those pages. Oh, that's really cool.

People at this festival, yeah. Patton, Kumail, Doug, Pete, Sam. Sam. Sam Levine? He's not at this festival. No Jews. This is the Wild West. But her name's Brittany.

Yep. Good choice there, Bert. She's a very sweet young lady. What do you got there, Nate? And don't forget, of course, there's something written on the back. Don't say that out loud. Where's your microphone? It's mine.

Courtney is 40. Yeah, we talked to her earlier. It's her birthday today. She really is 40. She's 40. And she did a... Hey, happy birthday. She did a fantastic Photoshop there

and for the listeners it's like a full-size poster that doesn't look like things are just slapped on it. You know, it's legit. Real deal. That's really fucking Oh, Bert's on that one.

Yeah, great job, Bert. Jesus. Dang it. Who do you got there, Ollie? I got I can't sing this song right. Yeah, Shane, this little rodeo guy. And I like it. Shane, the person's name is Shane.

And it fits with the theme of the festival. Yeah, the Wild West. The Wild West look, yeah. Yeah, it's nice. I like it. You Wild West look, yeah. Yeah, it's nice. I like it. You like Westerns? One. Which one?

I don't never know the name of it. I was watching it before I left. What's my man name? Clint Eastwood. He with an Indian man. What's the name of that?

With an Indian man? With a little small Indian man with a hat on. And they was dragging him with a rope behind the thing he shot at. Oh, Outlaw Josie Wales? Outlaw Josie Wales. Bam! Good job, audience.

No more guessing. But good job, Shane. You got picked. And, you know, I think we all know it's anybody's game today. Oh, we're putting Baby Groot in the prize bag? Baby Groot's in the prize bag. It's just going to now, you just have your sad

I am Tristan sign that you're going to walk home with. Try standing, like, near an on-ramp see if you get spare change You're really weird homeless sign I am Tristan Fuck a Tristan up This first game we're gonna play play is one of Bert's favorites. He's great at it. It's called Live, Die, Repeat. Gentlemen, I will say the title of a film.

First one of you to repeat it back correctly wins the game. I told you it's easy when I'm on the show. I got to be in a position where I can see your mouths. So I'll say the title of the film And just repeat it back Austin Austin Powers Austin Powers In In Austin Powers Austin Powers In

In Turn National International Austin Powers International Man of Mystery Man of Mystery

International Man of Mystery Is that it? No Austin Powers International Man of Mystery If I didn't know when I was going to have someone pointing at me Is that it? No. Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. If I didn't know when I was going to have someone pointing at me

and screaming International Man of Mystery, that makes it so much better because that's what I am. Yeah, Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery. Man of Mystery. You did it.

Look at Bert is so happy. It's amazing how simple that game is, but I love it. It's amazing how simple Bert is, but I love it. Look at baby Groot. Did you like the first Guardians, Bert? I was going through a Chris Pratt thing at the time That ended with falling asleep during Passengers Yeah I'm into him now, I like what he does

I was a big Chris Pine guy I thought Chris Pratt was stealing off his thunder As I was shoving him in there, he was like, I'm Groot was stealing off his thunder. As I was shoving him in there, he was like, I'm Groot. You think you'll say something different in this movie? What? Groot.

You think Groot's going to change it up? You think he's going to learn new words? I don't think I'm going to see this movie. All right. Is it a prequel or a sequel? I'm going to see this movie. Alright. Is it a prequel or a sequel? Sequel. Okay. I'm only into prequels.

Bert wants to be assured that it's probably garbage. Uh-uh. You know what I want? I want an equal where they just do the same movie again. I'm going to get you a shirt.

All right. We got to get serious about picking a winner here today. That game was fun, but we got to really test you guys. Let's see. Who's got a big name tag that's pretty far from the stage, but it's a big one? Ooh, I like that. Is that Love Actually? Okay. Put those down, please.

No distractions. Ooh, that's a good big one right there, Doug. Bert, you have to go first. Sure thing. Oh, fuck. I want to eat one of these so bad. Well, you could take a bite out of it and then throw it like a grenade.

But I'd like you to pick one and then hold up that love actually sign again, please. I mean, do you mind us throwing donuts at it? Okay. So the idea is to hit that sign. What's your name?

Ashley. Go ahead and hit Ashley's sign. Don't hit Ashley. Here goes Bert. Ashley, you close your eyes and make it fun. You ready, Ashley? Sit down, Bert. Nate, come over here.

God, that's fucking good. At this point, all we're looking for is somebody to hit the sign. Is it still the same sign? Oh, yeah. So they just get pounded multiple times with donuts? Yeah, that's the lucky section over there. All right. Oh, man.

Oh! That was it. I'm sorry. All right. Nate missed, too. So, Ali, you have... It's yours to lose here. All you got to do is hit that thing.

No one's moving around the sound. I'm like, dude. He's shaking off the signal. Oh, shit. Oh! Oh! All right, Bert, you're up. Well, we have 12. Drop the mic.

Now it's his. Oh, chocolate. Yeah. Let's not hit the wall with this one, please. This is a nice club. Oh! Oh! That just went in hot.

So... Coming in hot. That was rude. Oh, my God. So much fun to listen to. Jesus, we're going to need another dozen donuts. Oh, I'm fine. Yes! Jesus, we're going to need another dozen donuts. No, I'm fine.

Yes! Good job, Ollie. Very good job. One more for old time's sake. I did the same thing you guys did. They drift to the left in here. You got to check the wind first. It's raining today. You got to know what you're doing.

I like that you wrote, mmm, vanilla. All right, so Ollie won that game, you guys. Any athletic game. Yeah, I bet you when you heard about this show, you didn't think your athletic prowess would come into play. Not at all. Yeah.

So that worked out great. But this last game Is a little something called Last Man Stanton I know this show's only got like 20 minutes left But could you whip up potatoes and soda for me please Thank you Thank you so much Can you roll up

You know I want one I know that's why I was asking you when you're going to start drinking, Bert. Yeah, can we get two Ditos and sodas? My apologies, Mr. Staph. It's nine o'clock somewhere. It's nine o'clock. So Bert's going to start drinking

in that time zone. Yep. All right. Very good. I think it's good, though. It'll give you a little edge in this competition. I started drinking yesterday at 1 and didn't stop

until 4.30 in the morning. So this is like 9 o'clock. Yeah. You started at 1 yesterday. Fuck, I got to change my fucking flight. Hey, give us a quick, tell us a thought that you've had

that you don't say out loud. Give us an example. Oh, thank you. Do I want lime? I always say no fruit in mine just because, you know, then people think I'm a healthy water drinker. I have rickets.

I say every thought out loud. I don't keep many behind. Why am I standing? Like bathrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms. And kids come in here and shave my back. Yeah.

and kids come in here and shave my back. Yeah. I can imagine asking my daughter to shave my back. That would be a long... Oh, I don't ask, I tell. I don't go, hey, who wants to shave dad's back? I'm like, Isla, bathroom, now. Who's on balls and who's on crack? And then I can tell when they haven't done a good job.

I'm like, yo, you missed some spots. And they're like, you can't see. I go, yeah, I know, but there's a whole area. I have these little wings and you didn't even touch them. And they're like, they don't look bad right now. And I was like, yeah, but I want them bald. I want to shave it shorn. Is that how I say it?

Yeah. I really thought you were going to turn around and show the audience how shorn you want it. Perfect. But the front can just be an unholy mess. Is that what you're saying? No, the front's actually trimmed up. Is that shaved down?

No, if we're going to get... No, we're not. I Caesar out my tits. You can tell I cut the line of hair to form my breasts. And I trim this down a little bit. Do you ever see the video of me shaving Tom Segura's tits? Dude, it is the funniest thing. Okay, we go to Hawaii and I

look at Segura and his armpit hair connects with his tit hair. And I go, bro, let me hollow that out for you. And he's like, really? He's very vulnerable. He goes, really? I go, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll make it look like you have the definition. I do it all the time.

Make sure before you get to the end of this story that it ties in with movies somehow. Go. Okay. So, I'm really close to his breast, and I hollow out the hair, and I make it look,

it looks good up close, but as I pull back, it looks very much like his tits are wearing sunglasses. Like Tom Cruise in Risky Business? Yeah, like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. It looks like he's got Tom Cruise in Risky Business. And we had just started our trip in Hawaii, and I not stop fucking laughing because he had to do that the whole seven days. He had to look like his tits were

undercover. Like the usual suspects. But at least his tits could stare at people without being awkward. Ooh. Ooh. Alright, this game is called Last Man

Stanton, and in this particular round of this game, you gentlemen each have a partner in the game. I introduced this on an episode with Bert a while back, and it works out great every time he's here.

Brittany, you're Bert's partner on this. So, Bert, you can go... You can go, you know... I was going to say consort, but that's not the right word. Consult. Consult. You can consort and frolic

with Brittany. But let's get... But Brittany's right there up front, but let's get Consult. Consult. You can consort and frolic with Brittany. Let's frolic. But let's get, but Brittany's right there up front, but let's get Shane and, oh, and you, well, maybe, can you step up here without hurting yourself? Yes. Come on up. Brittany, do you want to come up on stage? Sure, bring your wine. Anything that raises our liability.

We're all about here at Zaney's. I don't know if you've seen, but we encourage you to drive home drunk and fall out of the car. Alright, so stand next to your partner, Nate, over there. And then where's Shane at? There he is. Come on up here, Shane. Brittany,

behind me. I'm the star. Don't speak unless I speak to you, and don't make eye contact. There you go. Have a seat, Shane. Do you have that? Yeah, enjoy it. Okay, perfect. Come here.

Get up closer. Get up closer. We're a fucking team. I'm not good at this. Oh, okay. You got Brittany get up closer, get up closer. We're a fucking team, I'm not good at this. Oh, okay, you got Brittany up here, great. All right, so we got everybody up here. And here's how the game works. I'm going to get the name of an actor or actress.

And then from an audience member, it's been pre-selected. Several of you said you had great names for this, so hopefully it'll work out good. You did as well i picked you let's wait wait and see um it's happened but um take turns saying names of the movies the first minute i'm gonna play along i like to play um ollie won the last game so we'll start with you You go first With your partner Shane And then Brittany and Nate I mean sorry Courtney and Nate and then Brittany and Bert

And then me The killer bees Hey look at my fucking hat Sorry podcasters there's a big vagina on my hat. Yeah, and all these people on this side of the room don't know what you're talking about either. These are the seats if you want to feel like you're just listening to the show at home.

You know, you could be at home getting an AIDS test right now while you're listening. Bargatze! You're right. That's what it says if you don't have AIDS on your AIDS test. Bargatze! And you don't know if it means you're positive or negative. Bargatze!

I think I'm good. I think that sounds like good news. Ollie, you have a question? Yeah, so what... I want to win, so what I'm doing We're going to find out the name and then you're going to be the first to name a movie that that person was in.

Solid. And Shane gets to help you and it just goes around until you can't think of one. Okay. And it's very intense. You better hope it's Clint Eastwood, Ollie. Or Jennifer Hudson. Or Jennifer Hudson. And I'm telling you.

All right, so where is Master X of X? Oh, no. No. No. Say Weston and Snipes movies. You say a black actor. We on, baby. Well, I know you wrote to me saying you had

someone in mind, but now you might this is your opportunity to play strategically. Look, you want me to tell you who I'm good at? Who's your favorite Mexican boot-wearing actor? I'm regretting it now, but I chose Alan Colbert. What? I don't even know who the fuck that is.

I don't know. Dude, kick this guy off the fucking stage. So no Michael Keaton? Oh, God. He's trying to do one that hasn't been done before, but part of the thing is you want to do ones where everyone even knows who that is. Nate, do you know who that is?

That guy in the middle. Okay. Nate, do you know who that is? That guy in the middle. Okay. I gotta remember to take a picture of that to post on the internet so the listeners know what the fuck we're talking about. Hey, my partner doesn't even know who this Alan Covert is. There's no reason to

speak disparagingly of the man. Who, Alan Covert? I'll never meet him. Well, you'd be wrong. Alan, come on out right now. Basically, the game becomes movies produced by Adam Sandler or starring Adam Sandler because Alan Covert's in a lot of them.

Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. I think I like that guy. Oh, I know who Alan Covert is. He's the... No, that's the one on the end up there. Shit, I like that guy. I should have brought my phone.

Yeah. All right, so that's a terrible name. Shane. Thank you. What's your actual name, though? You. My actual name? Yeah.

Shane. Oh, okay. Why couldn't you come up with a fun Twitter name You My actual name? Yeah Shane Shane Oh okay Why couldn't you come up with a fun Twitter name with Shane in it Because you just wanted to be all secretive? It's a gamer tag that I It's a gamer tag Alright Universal

Is that similar to a skin tag? You can't freeze this one out though Alright well let's just We gotta wrap this thing up So name a black actor Name an actor Wesley Snipes He ain't been in number 8 movies

No name somebody No name somebody I know name somebody for real Like somebody for real I got this shit. I watch fucking movies, shit. Ready. All right, hang on a second.

Wait, you can't pick. No. Yeah, you can't pick the fucking name. I'm not picking nobody. I said I'm ready. That's the ultimate in unfairness. Christian Slater. You can't just yell out names at me, you guys.

Jennifer Lawrence. That's not how I do it. I'm going to find somebody else that tweeted me. I'm going to do this legit. I'm not going to find your exact name. I'm just going to find... Oh, thank you, Miller underscore Fish for the box of donuts. Yeah, you tweeted me that a lack of donuts would be disturbing. Yeah, because who knows what I would have made them throw at that nice lady over there.

All right. Hang on, you guys. Settle down. Just a bunch of tweets about waiting out in the rain. All right. Where's DJ Skizzle? Hey, DJ Skizzle. Is that your real DJ name?

Or do you use a fake DJ name on Twitter? You used to be called that? Oh, okay. You grew out of it? No more Skizzle for shizzle. But you said you have a great, a great name for Last Man Stanton. Jonan Baker. You said to me, Twitter is like taking an oath.

You said you had a great name, and you just gave me the single worst name that has ever been... Bert, name a movie that's got Joe Don Baker in it. I don't know. Here comes Joe Don Baker. Joe Don Baker does Dallas. The Joe Don Baker Dozens? The Joe Don Baker dozens? This is a fun game.

Like, maybe it's the first team that can name a movie that has a specific person in it. Joe Don Baker. That is amazing. Hey, where's that giant pill bottle? Hey, pass that up here. Fuck. I saw this on the internet today,

and he had it sitting next to a pair of sunglasses, and I said, is that a giant pill bottle or tiny sunglasses? And it turns out it's a big pill bottle. Oh, wow. Is there stuff in it? Yeah, there's... It's full of donuts. It's full of donuts?

Shut up. Hey! Into the dark. Hey, Doug, there's some people in the top row that didn't get any. Oh! You hit me on the tongue! Oh, shit.

Well, did I really think I was going to get that whole thing in my mouth in one shot? I did. Well, anyway, this giant thing of chocolate donuts is the prescription on the front says, take two donuts after every win and toss them in the audience. And that was by John D. Smith, MD. You're a real doctor? Yeah.

No, I'm not. No, turns out I'm not a doctor. Didn't mean to trick you. Well, then you've got to stop writing scripts, because you have to be a legal medical doctor, even if it's for donuts. Do you have a suggestion for Last Man Standing? Like a really famous actor or actress.

See Thomas Howell. Are you out of your goddamn mind? Just because he was in Soul Man doesn't mean Ali's gonna know his work. I didn't know who the fuck that was. He's the white guy that puts on blackface in the movie Assault Man. Oh, I thought that was Gene Wilder.

Silver Streak. Silver Streak. This is a good game. Let's just word associate. Until I pick a winner. Cool, I want to play. I got a picture of a chicken blackface from college.

Back when you could wear blackface. When? In the fucking 1800s? No, the 90s. We had a social, and it was called Oonga Goonga Belunga. What? Use your words, Bert. It was called Oonga Goonga Belunga, and I bought war paint so people could put stripes on their face. And this girl just covered it. And I posted it the other day on Facebook, and I was like, oh.

Straight up blackface But somebody who has so many black friends How did you think that was okay? Oh, I There was a time where Blackface was completely acceptable Dude, I remember a time when people There was no time. No, well,

not for you, but for us. But nobody. I remember when it was a Halloween costume. You just get a big Afro wig and then put black tail on your face.

And get your ass whipped. That's what you... Well, we didn't go into your neighborhood to do stuff like that. You just walk around a random white neighborhood Being black, with a fucking afro Trick or treat, and still didn't get shot

That's fucking unbelievable They'd be like, what are you? And you're like, I'm a black person Did you have your shirt on? Black people The new movie There was a social called Pimps Up, Hoes Down. Yes. And I swear to God.

I saw that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. We had that at our college, yeah. Pimps Up. I didn't dress. I mean, I was too respectful. I dressed as a hoe.

So funny. I try to put them right in people's hands But other hands go like that I'll get it right in that bag Bam Alright well you know I think I'm going to declare myself the winner today We were so bad That there's no winner.

I almost fell off the stage too, Bert. Are you looking for more black chicks? No, here you go. Oh. She's, she is, she is. She said, she said, oh. Take a look at that, she is straight up black chick. Like. She's like a fucking pygmy. Yeah. She's like a oh. Take a look at that. She is straight up blackface.

She's like a fucking pygmy. Fucking crazy. Yeah. Dude, there's a picture of our high school cheerleaders dressed in blackface at a pep rally. I swear to God. Well, I went to school. Florida?

The Ku Klux Klan. Do you have no sense that this has to end soon, Bert? Oh yeah, we should wrap it up. Did we pick an actor yet? We still have to play this game. And there's two minutes on the clock.

Okay, I'm in. I'm stopped talking. Oh, we got the front row, dude. Kristen Bell. What the fuck? I. Kristen Bell. The fuck? I think Kristen Bell on another day. Cheeto. We're going Cheeto. Let's go.

Let's go. Only because that's what Nate wants. And I feel like Nate should be catered to. Yeah, I do. You got to nater to Kate. All right, Ali. Name any movie with Don Cheadle in it.

You and your partner. You have two seconds. Go. Don Cheadle. Oceans 1, 2, and 3. Wait, wait. Traitor. Okay.

No, no. Keep going. Keep going, Ali. Keep going. No, you just name one. Oceans 11. Okay. Good answer. Good answer. No, you just name one. Ocean's Eleven. Okay. Good answer, good answer.

Nate? Boogie Nights. Oh, fuck, that was mine. That's what everybody says. Bert? Yes, Bert. But you have a partner over there. She'll help you out.

Hotel Rwanda. Colors. Hang on a second. I got to play. Hotel Rwanda for dogs. What? I'm just kidding around. Go ahead.

Colors. Colors. Yeah. Colors. Yeah, the movie Colors. I like. Yeah. Colors. Yeah, the movie Colors. I like it. He was Rocket. What?

He was Rocket in that movie. Oh, that was his name, Rocket? Yeah. All right. Nate? Should I just say that? We might be wrong. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. We could already be out. In trouble already. Blood Diamond? No. Blood Diamond? No. Blood Diamond? I don't know. Shimon Hunsu? Who?

That's who you... That would be... Am I thinking of Alan Covert? Is that what I'm thinking of? Alright. Thanks for playing. Man. I'm sorry. That's what happens when you bring wine on stage. Do I leave now? What's that? Do I leave now?

Would it be easier for you to stay? Yes. Okay. Bert? Ocean's 12. Yes, of course. It's right there on the platter. Ollie? Ocean's 13. Uh-huh. Bert?

Bert and Brittany. Come on. Don't look at the audience. They're not allowed to help you. Damn, man. Wait, are you doing a quick impression? Yeah. I just saw him in that new video by Kendrick Lamar.

Oh, yeah. Does that count? That doesn't count. He's on House of Lies on Showtime. Don Cheadle. Guess. What? She said guess,

and he thought the movie was Guess. JFK. Always a solid guess, but no. Where the fuck were you, Brittany? Ali. Traitors. He's always a solid guess, but no. Where the fuck were you, Britney? Oli? Traitors. What? What?

Yeah, traitors. He was in Traitors. Traitors? Yeah, Traitors. Oh shit, he was. Wait, how the fuck do you know so much about Don Cheadle? He's my favorite actor, go here. Oh, shut the fuck up.

I was going to keep going. He was in Crash as well. I fucking know Don Cheadle. Goddamn Miles Davis, Petey Green, come talk to me. Oh, shit. Jesus, you're a prodigy

with Don Kittle. Out of sight. Out of sight. No, I'm saying, Burt, I'd like you out of my sight. But that means that Ollie's our winner today! Burt, Burt, let me tell you how I did it. Let me tell you how I did it, Bert. I did it in blackface.

Oh, congratulations. Congratulations to Shane. Do I give him his poster back? Yeah, Shane might want it back, I guess. A nice poster. Might have something nice to do with it. I don't know. But yeah, you can go back to your seat if you can figure it out.

Shane, thanks for coming. I wanted my seat back. She could have stayed. Where's your shithead there, Brittany? What? Oh, there you go. Just to hand to me on your way there. Let's do some plugs.

Start with Bert. What do you got to plug, buddy? Oh, I'm in Calgary next week, and then Liberty Township the week after that. I'm on the road a lot. Go to Bert. Oh, check out my podcast. BertBertBert.com

is my website. Bathrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms. Bathrooms, bathrooms, bathrooms. And that's it. Watch Angie Tribeca despite its name. All right. Nate Bergetzi! I will have a half-hour Netflix special coming out.

It'll be out this summer. So watch that. That would be very nice. Cool. Thank you be very nice. Cool. Thank you for being here. And our winner today, Ali Sadiq, everybody. I'll be in Richmond, Virginia next week. Please go on my Pandora station and listen to all my albums.

And that shit, that's about it. I have a Comedy Central half hour and I have a new Comedy Central special coming out. I'm recording it soon. All right. Go online and watch Mexicans Got On Boots. It is the best fucking story ever. It'd be a dead series.

It's one of my favorite stories. It's better than the machine story? I think so, because he goes to prison in his. It's a great fucking story. Wait, your story's not as good because you didn't get caught? Yeah, well, white privilege. He wiped off his black face and then he goes oh never mind you can go ahead thank you guys for being here

and thank you to Zanies thank you to everybody for coming out on a rainy afternoon thank you to everyone in the balcony. As soon as you're sitting up there, you're like, I'm not going to get, my name tag's not going to get picked.

Were there name tags in the balcony for you? All right, well, sorry, you guys. But thanks for trying. We'll do it again sometime. And as always, losing on my birthday is a shithead. Thank you. Anybody that wants to come up and grab a donut on your way out?

Oh, he's just going to pass them around like that? All right. That's cool. Hey, you work here Donut break Eskimos are a shit Once again, today's Douglas Moves is brought to you by Two Dope Queens a weekly stand-up and storytelling podcast

from WNYC Studios, hosted by Jessica Williams and Phoebe Robinson. Listen to season three of Two Dope Queens first on Spotify for free at Spotify.com slash Dope Queens, and get all your favorite music on the Spotify mobile app. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie, Eyes of Gold is viewing prowess makes him cocky there's no room in his heart

for you cause Doug loves movies