Doug Loves Movies - Amy Schumer, Bert Kreischer, and Ben Schwartz Guest

Episode Date: August 7, 2012

Doug welcomes comedians Amy Schumer, Bert Kreischer, and Ben Schwartz to the show....See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug Hayes, Kenny McRae, Shane Mason, he's pleased with 50 as a top or colonel in his team. There's still not more that he won't say, but Doug, the movie's right! Hey, everybody. Hey, Jordan. Hey. Kayla? Calla. God damn it. My name is Doug.

Not Calla or Jordan. And I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies. Coming to you from the UCB Theater in Los Angeles on Tuesday, August 7th to Ocean's 12th. Since last I spoke and you listened, I tried to watch

The Lucky One on my flight from Toledo, but the audio didn't work at my seat, and my seat alone. So I consider myself to be the lucky one. I've got Douglas Movies tapings coming up

on Sunday, August 12th at Comedy Works in Denver. Monday, August 13th at Meltdown Comics right here in Los Angeles. Monday night, the guests are good. At least one of them is. And he promised to bring along some other great guests. So come out on Monday night to Meltdown Comics.

Those of you that are in LA. Sunday, August 19th, they'll be at the Gramercy Theater in New York City. Again, already lined up some awesome guests. Schedules permitting. And Monday, August 20th, they'll be at Helium in Philly. If you can't make it to any of those shows I just mentioned,

don't worry, because you'll be able to hear them for free. That's right. All Douglas movies are free from this point forward. Now it's time for our watch... I mean, until it changes. Now... I'm just saying, for the time being, Benson Interruption's two bucks,

and Douglas movies is all free. And hopefully you'll pitch in that two bucks every once in a while, for the time being, Benson Interruption's two bucks, and Douglas Movies is all free. And hopefully you'll pitch in that two bucks every once in a while, because out of guilt. But also, if you don't, that's cool, too. Now it's time for Watch This, Not That. The number one movie in the United States is Dark Knight Rises. Number two...

Yeah, okay. There's a little excitement for it. And number two movie is Total Recall I haven't seen the Total Recall reboot so it would be unfair for me to judge it so watch Dark Knight Rises not Total Recall

cause I already know I like Dark Knight Rises and I'll get back to you later if I was wrong I won't be getting back to you later seriously what are the odds that Total Recall is better? On any planet. Because everything I hear about it is

let's remake Total Recall, but let's take out all the heady stuff and just make it into an action movie. And it was like, the first one was not that heady. You didn't have to fucking dumb it down Len Wiseman director of all the

underworld movies and I also I recommend Celeste and Jesse Forever which I also have not seen let's check out the prize bag got some items in here of course we got two of my CDs, Smug Life

and Professional Humoridian and we've got a copy of, for Doug Diggs at this particular episode, it's a copy of the original 40 Years of Everlasting Fun, it says on the cover, Willy Wonka and the

Chocolate Factory. Yeah. Love that movie. Love Gene Wilder. And you might recognize this guy's DVD. He's a member of the Death Squad family. And he also brought T-shirts that we'll talk about when he gets out here.

But he brought three different sizes in case the winner, you know, so that the winner doesn't have to sweat not being the right size. And so whoever wins is going to have two other t-shirts to give away. Oh, and also, where is it? Where is it?

Small, Altoids Smalls Peppermint Half Gone. Like, the person that contributed these Ate some of them So that's kind of a cool Gift of Considering she didn't remember to bring something Please welcome Amy Schumer, Ben Schwartz, and Bert Kreischer Schumer, Schwartz, Bert Kreischer. Schumer, Schwartz

and Kreischer. Shush, shush, shush. Shush, shush, shush. Hey, you guys. This is the most, this is the single most stumbled into theme show I've ever done. Because I asked the three of you without thinking about this,

but you all have S-C-H in your names. Shush. You all have a shh in your name. Get loud! Nobody cares. They will, by the end of it, they'll care. Oh yeah, everyone's going to change their name. People are always kind of, they're chilly to Ben at first,

but at the end they go apeshit. People fucking hate me in the beginning. Seriously? Seriously? No, not usually. He's just having fun. they're chilly to Ben at first, but at the end they go apeshit. People fucking hate me in the beginning. Everyone starts J-Oing. Hate me. Seriously? No, no, not usually. No. He's just having fun.

It's a good time. Amy Schumer's here, everybody. Guys! Oh my gosh. Please clap more. Yeah. Thank you. That's called individual applause that you deserve.

Thank you. You're here in L.A. because just recently you taped and it will air on August 12th, I think. The roast? The Comedy Central

roast of Roseanne. Yes. How did it go? I ate shit. Inside scoop. It was good. You ate shit? I didn't know

I was going first. You came out and you went, Roseanne, this is for you and you ate a shit. I ate my own shit. I said,

this is how much I love you. Smeared it all over your face. You said, how does this show? I was like, I don't know, but just watch me eat my own shit. I said, this is how much I love you. She smeared it all over your face. She said, how does this show? I was like, I don't know, but just watch me eat my own shit. And I did. Wait, what's your joke? Can I ask a question? Sure, Bert. Yes, Bert. What's your joke that's gonna get really hot

this year? Oh, like what's gonna cause the death threats? Yeah. I don't know if they'll air that. She figured out a way to talk about the same guy. She. I don't know if they'll air that. She figured out a way to talk about the same guy. She did another jackass joke. Yeah. That would have been weird.

I murdered another jackass member. It would have been good if you were like, what's up with Ryan Dunn, guys? And it was silent and you're like, oh, what, too soon?

No, this won't air until after that, right? No, before. So don't give anything away. No spoilers, but all the jackass guys are dead. Oh, man, that's a huge spoiler. You said no spoilers, but that's the biggest spoiler. I said it.

Shoot. You didn't make point of watching that. Oh, shoot. You didn't really make the super offensive list on the internet. It wasn't super offensive when I said it at the roast. It was just last time. It was just super offensive when the editor chose to cut to Steve-O looking like he was going to cry.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I totally had your back on that thing. That joke in the room wasn't like, whoa, so that didn't happen this time, but that does not mean I will not get death threats again. Well, that's the crazy thing about jokes is that joke was not making fun of the fact that that guy died. It was saying he

wished that the guy that was alive was dead. Am I alone in this? Yeah. And Steve-O who also, he probably was very nice to you afterwards. He was. Well, actually, he just recently called and apologized to me for not getting my back. Are you shitting me? No.

I am not. Do you know how much he makes at clubs? Don't even. Why do you know? Now I'm having a beer. Now I'm having a beer. Look what you just did to me. You drove me to drink. I'm not going to tell you. Do you want to know what I make at clubs? Wait, what does he do at clubs? He does stand-up. Oh, he does stand-up?

And lights his ass on fire at his closer. Yeah, it is. Is that true? It really is. Actually, I heard he's not that much. I followed him once. That's amazing. At? It really is. Actually, I heard he's not that much famous. I followed it once. That's amazing. At the Universal Amphitheater, I followed him doing that. What do you...

Gibson Amphitheater is now called. You have to light your dick hole on fire. No, I just... Dick hole? Yeah. Do you realize

how small of a little area that would be? I have the biggest dick hole in the world. Prove it. My dick hole is as big as my balls. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I think my dick hole got injured at some point in my life. Wait, you probably have really tiny balls. Yeah. I have, like, dick hole-sized balls. Makes my dick look huge. Maybe you have a pussy, and you're just too confused. No.

I mean, like, I have this, like, hole in the middle. I have a hole in the middle. Okay. And then, like, a really tiny dick up top. That's a clit, guys. When you see it, you're going to be like, way to go, babe. We were doing God's work tonight.

I like when Sir Mix-a-Lot would wrap hole in the middle and a dick up top. With a smaller hole that's above that, that's where the pee comes out of. Bert Kreischer is here, everybody. Well, an anatomy joke doesn't work here, huh? Keep it real

with the Budweisers. Bert, you've Yeah, he brought a case of beer. Buds. I called and I go, hey, what's the alcohol policy

at your club? And they go, oh, that's on your iPhone. That's on your iPhone. Doug rolls with it. His notes are the bigger. These James Lipton notes are the...

It's the part we've already gotten through. It literally says make a dickhole joke and that's all it says. You wrote that down? Make a dickhole joke.

Introduce Bert. That was written on a pen and paper. It's all over the prizes and more importantly the wires. Is that not alarming? No, that's not a problem

None of these things are problems They'll have to dedicate the roast to me That is it's kind of a race all of you wanna maybe die before you Ten day window there's no hope everybody. We're all gonna die. What was your favorite joke you wrote in the roast? For this year. Yeah your favorite joke you wrote on the roast? For this year? Yeah, your favorite one. Oh, man, I can say it. I mean, if you had to say it on a podcast about movies. Okay, well, Carrie Fisher was up there,

so I was like, Carrie Fisher. I was like, this dais looks like... Wait, the same Carrie Fisher that broke her teeth out with a rock in someone's backyard? Is that... Yeah. Why did I not hear about that? Why wouldn't any of the producers know about that?

How does no one write a fucking joke about that? She crawled in someone's backyard and took her teeth out with a fucking rock. On purpose? Like a rock rock? She's like, help, I can't believe this is happening. You're thinking of Robert Downey Jr. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of.

Please, someone in this alternative crowd. Margot Kidder, this guy said. It. Margot Kidder, this guy said. It's Margot Kidder, you're right. Amazing! Amazing! It's Margot Kidder. Benson, if you had your fucking nose, we would know that. He has children.

Margot Kidder, you're right. Okay, who answered that? Did Sam Cooke die? I know let's give that person a shirt right now. I know how Sam Cooke died. But raping a woman. I don't care what size you are. Wait, hold on. How did Sam Cooke die?

They're two different stories. His dad shot him in a hotel room. Well, he was raping a woman. Where's Margo? Up top? Oh, is that Chuck? Wait, how did Sam Cooke die? Didn't Sam Cooke get shot in a hotel room?

Yes, correct. But there's two different stories on how. Raping a woman. It was raping a woman. No, no a woman. It was raping a woman. No, no, no. It was raping a woman. My God, what's happening to you? It's only rape

if you remember it. Okay. How do you believe Sam Cooke does? Well, no, these are the two stories. One is that he took advantage of a woman,

but the other one is... Took advantage? No, no, no. Just felt her up when she said no, or what? I'm talking pants around the ankles,

socks on, gators, and a fucking shot to the chest. She didn't shoot him. The manager of the hotel shot him. You're right.

But the other thing was that, you know what? You just keep saying I just want my answer to be the closest to what you get. The other story is that it was a woman

that has a huge track record and has been for robbery and she stole all of his clothes and all of his money. So she deserved to get raped. And so he, no knows but he didn't rape her and then she ran away with everything and he went she went to the managers like where is that woman I know where that woman is and he became he was yelling at her and in a self-defense he she shot him I heard that one too

former I love Sam Cooke's my favorite singer somebody don't make a movie about it I slept with a guy because he introduced me to Sam Cooke. Really? What? Wait, how did you get introduced to Sam Cooke? No, I mean like the music. That's so funny. I worked at that hotel.

This is Sam Cooke. You want to fuck me, don't you? Look at him. I was a child. My mother had stolen his clothes. Maybe that wasn't

really Sam Cooke. No, it wasn't. Amy. Was it Danny Glover? It was Danny Glover. That's a 45-year-old black gentleman. How many times have you been like, I'm running in front of Danny Glover?

Every time? How about every time? I see Lou Gossett Jr. twice a week. You are so lucky. Oh, because you're a big fan of Enemy Mine? Nope. Iron Eagles? Should I have said Officer and a Gentleman?

Where'd I lose you? Where'd I lose you? How about Roots? Roots? Big fan of Chicken George? Shit, let's get to the movies. Yeah. Chicken George.

Chicken George. I got the references. Did anybody make fun of Roseanne's motion picture She Devil with Meryl Streep? Wait, you didn't say your joke. What was your...

Actually, someone texted me if this is your Carrie Fisher joke. Someone texted me what her Carrie Fisher joke was. You're about to tell it and then this is your Carrie Fisher joke. Someone texted me. What's your Carrie Fisher joke? You're about to tell it, and then we went on a tangent. Oh, yeah. What was your joke about Roseanne being fat that they published everywhere? I feel like I'm in hell right now.

Because that's not giving anything away if you say you did a... Oh, they used my least favorite joke on the promos because the Olympics are still going on. But this joke I liked. I said, because Wayne Brady was on the promos because the Olympics are still going on but this joke I like I said because Wayne Brady was on the day it's also I said Carrie Fisher I said this day's looks just like the cast of Star Wars I'll be Princess Leia Jeff Ross's Chewbacca and the only difference between Wayne Brady and Luke Skywalker is Wayne will never know who his father is I did not hear that joke.

That's good. Why did that make the offensive list? What's happening in this country? That's nothing. The only difference is... That was not a bad one. Yeah, I'm sure I'll get some sort of a death threat. Ben Schwartz is here, everybody. Hey, everybody.

Ben Schwartz! Thanks, Amy. Congrats on the success of Spider-Man. Thank you guys so much. Wait, you're on Spider-Man? Yeah, yeah the success of Spider-Man. Thank you guys so much. Wait, you're on Spider-Man? Yeah, yeah, I play Spider-Man. Amazing. I play Spiderman, the more Jewish version of Spider-Man.

Spiderman. Do you have any more movies coming out starring Andrew Garfield? What am I doing next? Probably Spiderman 2. I don't know what else he's doing. You've got a bunch of things coming out. Yeah, I did a couple of movies in between filming Parks and Rec and House of Lies.

So I did a couple more. I did three or four more. Hopefully they can get ready. Yeah, IMDB has like four projects. One of them is animation, but still. Yeah. I'm also in an animated TV show that's coming out next month

called Randy Cunningham, 9th Grade Ninja. Does anybody watch Disney XD? I do. I do. Do you? Yeah, I don't watch Disney if anybody watch Disney XD? I do. Do you? I don't watch Disney if it's not XD. I will call your phone and be my character to your daughters all day. Are you serious?

No, I'm not kidding. That doesn't sound like a good offer. Come on. I felt weird after I said it. No, no, no, no, no. Now you have to fucking do it. You can't break children's hearts like that. I will be the characters for your daughter, masturbating all day.

Hey, how are you? Daughters, I'm sorry. Jeff Garcia did that to my daughters because he was, remember that? Oh yeah, he was Jimmy Neutron. Wait, what did he do

to your daughters? He was Jimmy Neutron. I'm a few conversations back. Yeah, Jimmy Neutron. Oh, okay. I too worked on a show with Amy where we thought

our careers would take off at the same rate. Yeah, but that's... What show? We did a show for Comedy Central called Reality Bites Back. Oh, yeah. See, that's exactly how many people watched it. Just this guy.

You got thrown off earlier than Amy, though, right? Amy almost won it. It was a competition show? Yeah. And then you got kicked off and I face-fucked Mike Liam Black naked. And he offended Greg Louganis. He's a hetero-phobe, Louganis is. Yeah.

Hetero-phobe? I came on to him. Just say it. You came on him. Why don't we? I thought he was the judge and you had to get him to like you. I love that we're talking.

Greg Louganis was the judge? Yeah. We learned how to dive. We spoofed a different reality show every week. I'm very interested in this program. It was a funny show. It was a funny show.

It was a good show. So I thought if I came on to Greg Louganis, that he would then vote me on to the next week. And'm very interested in this program. It was a funny show. It was a funny show. So I thought if I came on to Greg Louganis, that he would then vote me on to the next week. And I remember saying, Bert, don't fucking do that. And I did it anyway. I fucking bent over and showed my ass. Like, everything. Like, hardcore. On the show? On the show.

And then Greg Louganis fucking sits down at a table, and the first thing out of his mouth was, you're straight. And I went, yeah. And he goes, it's mouth was you're straight and I went yeah and he goes it's not cool and I go what and he goes you don't come onto a man

when you don't have no intentions of following through and I was like you cock-teased Louganis I was like you have AIDS do you really think

I was going to follow through with that I'm being dead serious and he went he went like this he goes you're safe and you're safe

Bert you're kicked off and I went what the fuck I thought this was a fucking Comedy Central show. I was just coming on to a gay dude and telling him I wouldn't want to fuck him because he has AIDS. Why would I get thrown off for doing that? I fought it. I think the AIDS line probably got the food.

He knew he had AIDS. He fucking knew what you were thinking. He knew he had AIDS. The patient is always the last to know. thinking. He knew he had... The patient is always the last to know. This show is far more fucked up than any other

Doug Loves movies I've ever done. That was bound to happen. It doesn't get that crazy when Sam Levine is on. We talk about freaks and geeks a little bit. Bert Kreischer is here. Yeah! Everybody likes him but Greg Lougan bit. Bert Kreischer is here. Yeah. Everybody likes him but Greg Louganis.

Let me ask you this, Amy. In Mike Birbiglia's Sleepwalk With Me, you play the role of Amy. How did you prepare? Thank you. Well, the only way I really could prepare was I knew I was going to be cut out, which I was. Me and Hannibal just had to show up to a green room,

the UCB in New York's green room, and pretend to be interested in a story. So you're not in it? No, I think we got cut out. I think so. Did you see it? I saw it, yeah. I saw it at South by Southwest,

and when I saw on IMVB that you were in it, I was like, really? Yeah, me and Hannibal got it. Because I think I perk up like, oh, Amy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Thank you. Like I did, like at one point I was like, oh, Jesse Klein.

Jesse's in it, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was like, can you come shoot this thing tomorrow? And me and Hannibal woke up really early, and then we got cut out hard. Together? Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. He could do better than me. Hannibal Lecter? Who are you talking about? Burris. The Hannibal Lecter? The future of motherfucking comedy. Did you think it was Sam Cooke?

Yeah. Just come up to me at a bar and tell me you're Sam Cooke. I will blow you She will blow your penis She will blow your fucking tiny penis I will blow your tiny clit penis Bert, you were on an episode of The Shield?

Yeah That's one of my favorite movies on TV What did you do on it? I played a guy, I got in trouble I played a guy who I got in a lot of trouble Michael Chiklis does not have AIDS Why do you I played a guy. I got in trouble. I played a guy who... I got in a lot of trouble. Oh, did you?

Michael Chiklis does not have AIDS. Why do you... Why is that your go-to? Game on to Mike. No. I played a peeping Tom who was watching a black dude fuck his wife. But in the character,

it was... I was into that. I like dudes fucking my wife. But I was dressed in a DWP outfit. So I was peeping Tom. So I figured my character would be playing with his dick. So...

I'm just saying. I've never peeped in Tom. I've never done it. But I'm just saying. I think a lot of them watch and then reference it later through the magic of memory. Not this guy! I'm a character actor, damn it. Why'd you tell us that the guy was black?

Oh man, I was hoping it wasn't. No, it's not going to. It's important. There's no way it's important. It's important. It's important. So, I'm playing with my dick. Chick drives up. The cop that's supposed to arrest me. Girl. I forget her name, but if you've seen the show, it's her.

And she gets out of the car, sees me playing with my dick, and goes, cut. It's fucking ridiculous. And now I'm holding my dick in my hand and everyone stops. Wait, your dick is out? No, no, no. I'm just playing with it like that. Your instincts are so poor! Hold on! Your instincts are so poor!

Hold on! I'm playing with it through the pants! So, they cut, they stop down. How can you play with your dick through your pants? You would have to go inside yourself. I'm also wearing a DWP coverall. Hold on, I haven't even gotten there.

I'm playing with it through the pants. She calls cut, says to the director and checklist, this bullshit, this guy's fucking masturbating. And I feel horrified.

This is the first thing acting wise I've booked that's like serious. And I feel, I'm shut down probably 27, 28 at the time time but fully hard just so they take her off set chick listen the director comes up to me and

I'm like here we go I'm gonna get probably get torn up and chicken looks at me goes great choice he goes we going to hold her in the first position. What I want to do is I want to get a bunch of tights of you playing with your dick and a bunch of zoom in, smash kicks. Can we get some of that? Was he directing? The other guy, I think he was a co-chair, but the other guy was the director. So Chick-fil-A leaves, and the guy goes, you know what you're doing?

I said, yeah. He goes, I want to see you come up from around the house, peek in, and then go at it. So I'm like, all right. So I come from around the house. It's FX, Amy. I get in, and I'm fucking in. I'm really playing with it right now. Don't look at me in the eyes when you do this.

I'm playing with it. Know it. You look at the audience, or you look at Amy? Fuck, I put my hand in the jumpsuit. I'm going to pass. I'm starting to get hard, and I'm like, oh. And then I'm doing it for like two minutes. I'm like, are they even fucking rolling on this?

Because I'm just playing with my dick forever and then i start thinking they're sitting behind the camera going let's see if he comes like you know i played with it for like 10 minutes and then i'm like did we get it yet and they're like yeah yeah they broke it for lunch and i'm just sitting there jacking off in the corner the reason it's important that he's black is because they cuff me they bring me around the front, and then a big, six foot seven black dude answers the door,

and he's like, yo, what's up? And so it looks like I'm watching two black people fuck, and then I go, what? Can you tell them that I'm with you?

And he goes, yeah, dude's with her. And then a little tiny white girl comes out, and she goes, he's my husband. And they're like,

uh, uh, uh, uncuff me. I was still hard, but, uh, were you hard in real life? Not important he was black. Not important he was black. So fucking important.

If I want to be racist, I'll just be racist. Do it. Amy? Sorry. Amy? Sorry, sorry. It's true.

You have to want it. It's really true. I can't believe it. I didn't do the casting. Although I will say that being cast as the guy that played with his dick, I didn't read any lines. Did you have lines? As a pervert? Yeah, I did. I didn't do the casting. Although I will say that being cast as the guy that played with his dick,

I didn't read any lines. Did you add lines? They just brought me in as a pervert. Yeah, I did. I was like, can you tell them what... And they just brought me in as a pervert. That could have been an extra. They just shout background action and plays with themselves.

Everybody started to jerk off in the background. Let's play the Leonard Bolton game. Your children are going to be taken away. TV shows on Disney XD. It's for seven-year-olds. It's about a ninth grader are going to be taken away. TV shows on Disney XD. It's for seven-year-olds. It's about a ninth grader who wants to be a ninja. What else should we talk

about, Doug Benson? I want to talk about... It's just my voice, but higher. Like what? How much higher? Do it, do it. Do they do it electronically or do you do it? No, I have to do it there. And I usually lose my voice. I do like two episodes in a row and then I lose my voice every time. Give us just a taste.

Really? Yeah, because Bert needs something to jerk off to. It's just like up here. Everything I say is up here. That's it. I'm like a ninth grader. That reminds me of a comic. Who is it? Keep doing that. Emo Phillips? No.

Do you guys remember Emo Phillips? He's really up there. Judy Tenuta? It's probably Judy. Judy Tenuta? No, it's Judy. Oh my god, I haven't heard you laugh in so long. He's got the most infectious laugh.

I want to have him and Kulop and Pete Holmes all on one show. Pete Holmes laughs so hard. Oh god,! Pete Holmes is laughing. Laughs so hard. Oh, God, he loses his shit. Like just an animal, like a raw animal. Yes. All right, so let's play some games. Yeah. Starting with...

Yeah. Starting with a quick version of how did this shit get made. How much did this shit make, I meant. Not the popular Paul Scheer podcast? Yeah, and they don't use the word shit in there, do they? They just say how did this get made. But how much did this shit make is the name of this game. And I'm going to go from Amy,

then Bert, and Ben. I'm sweating my dick off. I'm sweating my dick off. I'm sweating my dick off. I gotta grab this thing. I gotta fucking grab this thing. Was it hot that day on the set of The Shield? Yeah, man.

I had the flu. I thought, okay, never mind. Am I the only one that's fucked up right now? Hi? No, I'm just, this has been a very long day.

Let's start. Okay. Yeah, he's right. He's been through a lot. Do you know this game? No, I do not. How much does this shit make? It's like Price is Right, but you're going to guess how much domestic box office a known movie made.

Okay. And Amy's going to go first. It's the person with the closest guess without going made. Okay. And Amy's going to go first. It's the person with the closest... Without going over? Yes, without going over. Yeah, yeah. So, you know how that works. And the movie is the original Step Up.

Oh! Yeah. First of all, love it. They've made three more. I know. You can't start your own crew. If you knew how many times I've seen those movies. So, okay.

I think the first movie in theaters... How much did the first one make in theaters? I'm going to say... One million. One million dollars? Yeah. Okay. Was it a hit? I thought it went right to DVD, actually.

Well, you just said they did three more. So what? That is a clue of sorts. Yeah, Step Up, Step Up Again, and one more. Did a lot of people see Furry Vengeance? There was a sequel to that shit. Really? There was a sequel to fucking The Tooth Fairy.

Was there really? Tooth Fairy 2 with Larry the Campbell guy. My kids are watching it now. All right, one million. I'm waiting for this sequel that's called Step Up, Watch Your Head. Fuck you, Doug, okay? The current one is Step Up Revolution because it's... For real?

Yeah, they're not just dancing. No, they're not dancing. They're changing people's minds. What country is it set in? Chile. Chile. What's your guess? I'm going to say Step Up made $45 million. I think that's a really good guess.

Chang Tatum was in the first one? Yes. He is hysterical in the fucking... He is fucking hysterical in 21 Jump Street. But a douchebag on Twitter. Is he?

What did he do on Twitter? He blocked Bert for jerking off on Chatroulette. Positively to you jerking off? It's okay to cheat was the hashtag. It's okay to cheat. He was like, it's never okay to cheat. Never.

What a douchebag! Fucking monogamy piece of shit. I hope you all pick him as the shithead tonight. That monogamous shithead. Either one. To abide by the rules of the game, I'll say $50 million. And I think that movie only cost $10 million to make.

It cost so much more. Less than that. They shot it on cell phones. Oh, really? Shit I guess it was less I'll say 50 million You spent a lot on chargers But

Come on I bet it cost 5 to 10 million dollars What are you saying? 50 million You say 50 Bert said 45 And Amy said 1 million Amy said 1

So Ben is our winner Damn it Because it made 65.3 million. Let's see how much it costs. Ben, be honest. If you had been sitting in the middle and you had to pick second, would you have picked above $40,000? I would have picked $60 million.

You cocksucker. Yeah, but I want to be safe. I want to be safe. Yeah, there's no reason to fuck around. I don't know why you didn't say $46 million. I'm sticking with $1 million. Amy, I don't think no other game works. 46 million. I'm sticking with 1 million. Amy, I don't think you know how the game works. This is so embarrassing. What's up? Oh, wait till you see how she plays Letter Maltin game.

What game? What is this? Who, what, where? So, yeah, so if you all don't mind, are there name tags in the house tonight? Name tags. Oh, Jason has a plane. Total Rickall was written on a has a plane. Total Rickall was written on a piece of paper.

Did you see Total Rickall? I did not, no. Did you guys see it? No. I saw the first... I just saw Harakiri. Yeah, how was that? It was really fucked up.

Okay. So yeah, go ahead and stand up and go pick the name tag you want to play for. Just go get it from them. Oh, go get it. I'm taking my shirt off in fucking five seconds. Why does it say Karcher instead of Archer?

Is your name Karcher? Oh, it's Carter. Carter. Yeah. Close enough, I guess. Ben likes the Archer guy. Oh, somebody brought some cookies. Petrich Farm.

What's his name on there? Don't read that bird Bert, out loud. I got it. Oh, that was nice of you to tell Bert to not read the shithead, but you know, I do brief them backstage. Jordan told me to do that. But they also do, and by they,

I mean the guests. They screw it up. What do you have there? That's a great fucking movie. Number two. Back to the Future is my favorite movie. Number two is even better. Back to the Future 2 is amazing. Number two. Wait a second.

You're so alone on that. I love... I'm being dead serious. Why do you love two so much? Crispin Glover's barely in it. Crispin Glover's so good in the first movie. That movie made a million dollars. Oh, God.

Amy, you do not know how this works. What's up? I don't think you know how currency works. Oh, that looks so fucking creepy, Amy. What's up Oh that looks so fucking creepy Amy What's up this is the closest I'll ever come to having a child One day Wait you're not pregnant No well I'm not keeping it

Wow what is that Jesus Christ tighten up on that one You look pregnant So Amy has a jumper Or overalls for a child But with the tennis shoes sewn in Little footsies That are little footsies

And it says Jessica It's Hesica Hesica No not the one at the bottom of the well You sick How are you allowed to have kids? Oh my god I'm getting hammered

If Burr was wearing this It would look a lot like this. And if I was wearing it? Make it smaller. Why did you put your mic down to see that? He went, make it smaller, make it smaller. Yeah, I don't know why I put the mic down. Just so I could do it.

I didn't want to put my cell phone down because I might spill on it. Okay, so who are you playing for, Bert? You're playing for Rick to the Future. Rick to the Future. Yeah. Wait in time for yourself, Rick. Mattel makes replicas of the hoverboard

from Back to the Future 2. Who does? Mattel does. They're for a very short time and I purchased one, but I never got it in the mail. So I think I always had. But maybe it's coming in like six months.

Oh, it's coming. It's going to show up. I ordered a train from Back to the Future 3. Dude, they destroyed it. I ordered a destroyed train. Carter. Carter, and the shirt says Archer, which I love that TV show. Archer, but he added a C to it.

He sure did. So it says Karcher, which doesn't work at all. You know something interesting about Archer is that all those actors live in Atlanta. No, John Benjamin lives in New York. Chris Parnell doesn't live in Atlanta. You have no facts. You guys are horrible. You are without facts.

Aisha Tyler lives in LA. So wrong. You know, to let you know, you sound like my fucking wife with new people. The Adult Swim headquarters. That never happened. I don't know what you're talking about. God, I'm so sorry. Seriously, I met one girl that said...

My wife! We sound like your wife with new people. Like she just shuts you down at every turn. I start to tell a good story and she's like, that never happened. But then it's not a story! That's how a story works. She's very smart. A to B.

All I need is that guy to get there and him to get here. I like that you don't let yourself get weighed down with things like facts. No. The cast of Archer. All lives. I swear to God,

Google that shit. Adult Swim's headquarters is in Atlanta and that's it. It's not even there. I'm Adult Swim. Fucking shit. What happened to respect your fucking elders, okay?

I'm fucking E to E. FX isn't in Atlanta. Why would they be in Atlanta? Is that all you're thinking about? You're thinking about the cast of Walking Dead. I knew you were thinking about Adult Swim. Hold on. Hold on for a second. You are batting zero today.

You literally picked up the bat. That bat fell out of your fucking hands. You keep swinging for no reason with your hands You're just whipping The game's over Bert The game is over This is the best part of anything Oh my god I fucking stood behind that statement

You were so proud You were like get ready for this This is going to blow your mind But no one does swim show Like Robot Chicken records here. None of that stuff records in Atlanta. Okay, we get it.

The only thing I can think of that's there is adult swim. Oh, man, I'm going to write a history book. Squid Billies? Man, I would buy that in a second.

That would be the best. Oh, my God. Which one's Archer? It's this one. John Benjamin plays this guy. It's a cartoon. Did you hear? Benjamin plays this guy?

It's a cartoon. It's a cartoon. It's a cartoon. You're thinking of Drop Dead Divas. Yeah. That's, Margaret Cho lives in Atlanta. Please tell me

you're not homeschooling your kids. You're thinking of Frasier, I think. No, they live in Seattle. They live in Seattle. I know. Fuck me. What TV show were you thinking of, Pro? I have no fucking ideaasier, I think. No, they live in Seattle. They live in Seattle. What TV show were you thinking of, Pro? I have no fucking idea.

Great, cool. Cool, man. Super cool. Okay, just go. All right, so Ben's playing for Karcher. Bert's playing for Rick. I'm playing for Hesica. Amy's playing for Hesica.

We'll start with Ben and then go to Bert. And then Sarah. Ben gets to pick a category from the following choices. At Denver underscore yeah suggested Snape's on a plane. That's movies where

not Ryan, where Alan Rickman flies. Oh! In some way he flies. Snape's on a plane. I don't even know who Alan is. Or he was in Back to the Future. He played the death.

I don't think that's right. I'm so sorry. No, he filled in for Chris McGlover in part two. That's true. Wait, who the fuck's Alan? Mr. Potter. Mr. Potter. How dare you, Mr. Potter. How dare

you, Mr. Potter. You are a master impressionist. Doug's a dialect coach. Is that true? We are not terrorists, Mr. McClane. You sound like Morgan Freeman. The same exact voice he uses for both of them. He's always Alan Rickman. Oh, that guy?

I will take from the poor Mr. Hood. Robin Hood. Now I don't know who you're talking about. Can I tell you one of the funniest things that I saw online was something called Alan Rickman drinking tea dramatically. Have you guys seen it? It's unbelievably funny.

And it's just slow motion of him drinking tea seven minutes long and then by the end he looks in the camera and he fucking wrecks the whole thing. It's so funny but still online. Sorry.

Snape's on a plane. In theaters now, Bert. What are you looking up on your phone? You cannot look up the answers. Bert? You went on my phone first?

How did you know his code? I tried his code and it's not mine. Oh my god. I do that always. I always pick up everybody else's phone and be like, who's this guy? I know yours doesn't even have a fucking card on it. Yours says your name on the back. Yeah, let's go.

It's a fun game. Do I have the same code As this guy I just met What happens if it did Would you have just called Is that what I needed to do I would have looked up Alan Rickman You want more Alan Rickman

Impressions Don't pick that one Keyon D Don't worry I won't In theaters now That's movies that are In theaters now Great

Do you want to consult Your phone Nope Or Charlize Theron Are you familiar now. That's movies that are in theaters now. Do you want to consult your phone? Nope. Or Charlize Theron. Are you familiar with her? She killed her father. Correct. Fucking high five on that shit. No, it was the mother. Sit down.

Oh, okay. What happened? I don't want to hear this. It made me depressed. This is the truth. She killed her mother? No. Her mother killed her father. And they put her in a fucking plane probably and then got her out of the country. What are you... Is that real?

Fucking 100% real. I can't believe anything you say. Dog. Dog. Back me up. She grew up in Africa. I do know that. Joe Berg, son. And fucking they killed her. She killed her father? I don't believe it. She did not kill her father. Seriously fucking, they killed her. She killed her father? I don't believe it.

I don't want to believe it. She did not kill her father. Clearly. Seriously, look that shit up. The guy that knew the other thing. You're thinking of Star Wars. Oh, I'm thinking of Scarlett Johansson. No.

There was no famous actress who killed her own father. All right, fine. I guess for legal reasons, we'll say I don't know what I'm talking about. Okay, I don't know. I'm talking about. I don't know. I'm an asshole. Yes, why are you saying it sarcastically? Yes, you're an asshole. No, I get it.

When you start with the cast of Archer Lives in Atlanta, where can we go from there? And also, Carrie Fisher took a stone to her own face. Look. The only thing you said factual is that you have kids that are alone watching TV. And we don't even know

if that's true. It's not going the way I thought it would. Stay away from my fucking phone. Google that shit. Oh, okay. So, Charlize Theron, mother or father

murderer, is celebrating a birthday today. So Charlize Theron Mother or father Murderer Is celebrating a birthday today I hope she listens It's her birthday Oh fucking poor dad Has she done this show? What if Charlize Theron hears this And then goes fuck it now I gotta kill that guy

Oh god Cause you're the only one who knows hears this, and then goes, fuck it, now I gotta kill that guy. Oh, God. Because you're the only one who knows? She didn't kill her dad. She just, fuck, I'm like, is that fucking Charlize Theron? Boom, boom. Just like in that movie.

Which movie? I can't wait for you to finish this. Tell me, what is it? The one with black people in Baltimore. Color Purple. Nope, they knock on her window. Everyone knows this. It's a TV show. Finding Nemo.

I know what it is, but I haven't seen it, so I don't want to talk about it. Charlize was on a TV show? It's a liar, but let's not talk about it. I'm not a liar. Wire. I haven't seen it, so I don't want to talk about it. Charlize was on a TV show? It's The Wire, but let's not talk about it. I haven't seen it yet. I'm not a liar! Wire. Charlize Theron was on The Wire?

No! The Wire! The Wire! It's The Wire! It's The Wire! It's The Wire! What is happening? Charlize Theron is going to pull up in a Range Rover. Charlize Theron! Charlize Theron is going to pull up in a Range Rover. Charlie Theron. Charlie Theron.

Wait, something's happening. I like her dress. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Oh, I'm sorry. Let me tune back into this fucking groundbreaking, worthless conversation. That dress is going to be on the next roast. It's going to be on mine, yeah.

If somebody doesn't murder me. Oh, man. She was on Arrested Melody for a couple episodes. Please don't murder Amy, everybody. Please don't murder me. Remember when Charlize was on Arrested Melody? Yeah, and she played a kind of a... She was awesome. She was dumb on it. I love that television show. Yes, that's what I meant. That's the best show.

I'm going to do Coming. I'm going to do In Theaters Now, Radha. Good call. Great. Alright, so what's the category That's the best show. I'm going to do Coming. I'm going to do In Theaters Now, rather. Good call. Great. All right. So what's the category? In Theaters Now. Okay. That's motion pictures that are...

Who played the masturbating guy in The Shield? I got that one. I guarantee you would fuck it up if it came to you. You would say, Toby Maguire. Wait a minute. That is not what my laugh sounds like. No, your laugh is amazing.

Yeah, that's crazy. We told them the prizes. Oh, you did? Can I have one of mine? You contributed the Altoids. She's going to take an Altoid back. I almost said Indian giver, but they don't like that expression. No, they hate it. People that take things back don't like that expression.

Have you been staying in Hilton Garden inns? Take it off. You've already done it. Take it off. I've already done it. I haven't taken it off yet. I've seen Burt naked so many times. Are you taking your shirt off? Would it be a first? I don't know if I can concentrate. Wear a Cezanne, I'll be shocked.

It's going to be just like Magic Mike. I'm going to have to look away. That movie looks good. Burt used to follow me. Tanning Chatham. Tanning Chatham. Burt used to follow me around the set asking if I wanted to play Leaky Submarine.

Is that a real story? Yeah. You don't know how to play? I'm assuming it's your penis. Tell them how you play. You get me, you, Don. You plug up all the holes. Four guys. We're the panicky sailors that gotta plug up our holes. Leaky Submarine.

Well, Amy walked in and she's like, guys, we should play a game. And I was like, how about Leaky Submarine? And she's like, how do you play? I go, well, you bend over and go, and we're the sailors that gotta plug up all your holes. And Donnell was like, I'm in play? I go, well you bend over and go and one of the sailors has got to plug up all your holes and Donnell was like, I'm in! I know, what a rapist. And Bert is like, I get an ear.

Dibs on an ear. Hold this picture of Chickalus. That's the only way you can get hard now. You have to watch Fantastic Four or The Shield. I am all over the place right now. This movie that's in theaters now is the cinematic

equivalent of a bag of pork rinds according to Leonard. In theaters now. And he also says about this movie you'll probably have a better time than I did just hide the bag of pork rinds under your jacket. What?

Pork rinds on the mind, Malden. He brings the pork rinds thing back around. I don't know if that's a good clue. In fact, it's a terrible clue. But it's in theaters now, and he only lists five performers in the movie. How many names do you think it'll take for you to get in? Can you give me the first sentence?

He says this movie's the cinematic equivalent of a bag of pork rinds. And then at the very end he says, just hide the pork rinds under your jacket. So he's basically saying you probably won't want to admit that you like this movie. I think that's what he's saying. No, he's saying the movie's a piece of shit.

Is he racist? That he snuck in pork rinds and he's eating pork rinds and that's why it was only as good as a bag of pork rinds and he's eating pork rinds and that's why it was only as good as a bag of pork rinds. The interpreter with pork rinds. There is no way that he said he snuck in a bag of pork rinds. Wait, read that again. This isn't Roger Ebert.

He said this movie is as good as a bag of pork rinds. Correct. However, just make sure they don't see your pork rinds when you come in. Three names. I can do it in three names. Fuck it! You don't think I'm right about my sisters? No, I think you're right. I think you're right, buddy. Okay.

No looking it up. No, my sisters are calling. They're coming over. Oh, what do they need? Are they here? I don't know. I can answer the phone. I said three names. You said there are only five in existence, correct? Yeah, five total.

I can do it in five. I'm so glad someone's more retarded than me today. How many episodes did you listen to? Oh, wait. Do a lower number. Are we playing the Leonard Nimoy? Yes, the Leonard Nimoy game. Stop, stop, stop.

I'm sobering up. I found out what Leonard Nimoy thinks of this movie that's in theaters now. We're playing the Leonard Norton game, right? And he's obsessed with war crimes. Okay, I can do it in two. Great. Name that movie. Are you serious right now?

Name that movie. All right, I think you'll be in good shape. My personal opinion. No one's ever said that to Bert before. This is going to be great. When the fuck did you get funnier than me? I know. He's going to name an 8-bit NES game to Burt before. This is gonna be great. When the fuck did you get funnier than me? I know.

He's gonna name like a like an 8-bit NES game. Guys, silence. Go. Double drip. Give the machine some room to concentrate. Your two names are

Rosemary DeWitt I don't know who that is. And Richard... I don't even know how to pronounce it. This is the first time I've heard of him. DeFantis Schumer. How's it pronounced? Ayode?

Ayode? Ayode? Ayawade? Ayawade. What was he in? You can't find out. He's in a show in another country that I haven't seen. But now he's in a movie here.

And those are your only clues. Rachel. Pork rinds and that. Rachel. Name a movie that's in theaters now that doesn't start with Rachel. No, what was the name? Two names? Oh, Rosemary DeWitt.

Rosemary DeWitt. She played, she was Patton Oswalt's baby mama in the TV series United States of Terror. Come on. Help him out. Among other things. I just thought he might see cable every once in a while when he's on the road. Motherfucker. None of you guys know this, right?

I wouldn't be able to guess. I'm going to go with Step It Up Revolution. Haven't you seen a billboard or a bus sign that says Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, and Richard A. Iode? Oh, that's that motherfucker? The Watch. The Watch.

The Watch. Amy gets the point. Schumer gets the point. Jessica. Schumer's on the board. Rick, I'm sorry. For our baby. Amy gets the point Jessica Schumer's on the board Rick I'm sorry we gotta move fast now guys we're officially over time

and Bert's about to black out hey let's go drink at the Bert's after this a lot of these people are gonna stay for comedy bang bang I might too who's on it oh a bunch of great people. I might watch that too. I like how you said, let's hurry this up, and then we just start talking about something else.

I miss you. At FYI, you rock. That's their name on Twitter. Suggested hunger names. And that's movies where there's a food in the title. Movies where there's a food in the title. Movies where there's a food in the title. Oh, I should say who's going first. Amy challenged Bert, so

Ben's going first, and this time it moves over to Amy after you. Okay. And your other options are the King of Pancakes category, the number one movie ten years ago to this very day at the North American box office, or In Theaters Ciao! And that's movies set in at the North American box office. Or, in theaters, ciao!

And that's movies set in Italy. Spencer King of Pancakes. Oh, he wants the King of Pancakes. Yeah. 2002 was when this movie was the number one movie in the country. It's in college, yeah. Two and a half stars from Leonard. He says about this movie that it...

that it makes you jump. And he also says that it's downright silly at times. And he lists six names. Makes you jump? How many names do you think you get in, Ben? I'll say three names. The category is 10 years ago. Three names? Yeah, he says three names. The category is ten years ago. Three names?

Yeah, he says three names, so we go to Amy. What are you going to do with that, Amy? I have a feeling I know what you're going to do with that. Do-do. Do-do, be a gangster. Three names, he says. Three names. You think you can go less?

Not really. You're probably going to say... Name that movie, motherfucker. This could be for the win for Amy. That's an endearing thing. This is the win? It might be. I have faith in Ben on this one.

I think Ben's going to name it, but I know I could... 2002, number one movie as of today. So this month, number one movie right now? This very day in 2002, it was the number one movie in the country. And it's about pancakes? Ben was in college. According to thenumbers.com. And your three names are Patricia Calimber

Abigail Breslin And Rory Culkin Oh my fuck Dick City Those are your three names I think Amy's gonna pull this shit out Amy's gonna fucking win If I win I'm gonna pull my dick out

Please get it right Abigail Breslin Wait you don't want to see her dick? gonna pull this shit out? Amy's gonna fucking win. If I win, I'm gonna pull my dick out. Please get it right. Wait, you don't want to see her dick? I want to see it. He's seen my dick. Oh my God. You don't understand her. Abigail Breslin

and Rory Culkin. Abigail Breslin. That's the woman from Little Miss Sunshine, right? And Rory Culkin. What are you doing? Why are you doing that to him?

I thought it might help. You're taunting someone. I'm taunting somebody into the wind. Please never coach a help. I'm saying slower and louder. Please never coach this part. Rory Colkin, 2002. You were in college. Why do you keep saying things? Why are you doing this? Trying to help him. I don't want to see your dick.

Just look at my dick. I don't know what it would be. I'll say Little Miss Sunshine. Alright, Amy's our winner. What? Let me guess. And the remaining names are... That's the one where he's crippled, isn't it?

There's a nice way to put that. You don't even know what it is and you're going that crazy? Cherry Jones. Cherry Jones. Joaquin Phoenix. And Mel Gibson. Signs. Signs.

Oh, that's amazing. I won. I won. What do I get? Yay. You don't win anything. You have to give up those Altoids for one thing. Can I have them back actually?

I regret putting them in there Just take your Altoids back Jessica, do I go bring it back? And where's Jessica? Come get your prize Jessica Congratulations And do you want your little weird Girl clothes with shoes attached back?

I would like to bring this on the plane with me though Hi Jess There you go. That was my Halloween costume. Oh you gained weight. Yeah. You gained height since you wore that. I was a tiny bit. I was Michelle Tanner.

Oh nice. That's really fucking funny. Everywhere you look. We're all black. Oh my god. That's amazing with all black on. This is going to kill on the podcast. This is going to visually kill on the podcast.

It looks awesome. Oh no. Oh, it's going to dance on the table? Oh, that's pretty good. I can't believe we didn't capture that on microphone. Don't forget, it's kind of wet. There's three shirts in there. There's just two in there.

What happened to the other one? I gave one away already. Hopefully it's not the small. Yeah, yeah, you might want to work it out. Work it out with her to get the right size. Ben, you got anything to plug? Anything coming up? Oh, that Randy Cunningham TV show is actually coming out soon.

It's coming out next month, September 13th or something like that on Disney XD. Nice. Watch that. Disney XD that. And then Parks and Rec. House of Lies. If you guys watch House of Lies on Showtime, man, that would be huge. We start filming in October.

It starts in 2013. Nice. Nice. Nice. Bert, what's going on? I'm casting for Trip Flick coming up if you guys want a vacation

of a lifetime follow me on Twitter and I will tell you where I'll be and I will take you on a ridiculous vacation we're going to Paris Prague

New Zealand Australia Dominican Republic Puerto Rico say your Twitter Twitter's at Bert Kreischer K-R-E

nevermind yeah that's easy to spell just fucking good luck K-R-E-I K-R-E, never mind. Yeah, that's easy to spell. Just fucking good luck. K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. Trimflips on Travel Channel. How the fuck did you do that? Because I know you and I know how to spell your name. Good job, man.

Oh, mine's at Rejected Jokes. At Rejected Jokes, yeah. And Amy's at Amy Schumer. Straight up. And watch The Roast on Sunday, August 12th. And then My Hour airs on Comedy Central on August 18th. August 18th. Please watch.

Amy Schumer's Hour. My Hour. And wait, can I say one plug for one thing? No, that's it. Brody Stevens' show is my favorite thing I've ever fucking seen. On HBO Go, right? Check it out on HBO Go. It's one of the coolest things I've ever fucking seen. On HBO Go, right? Check it out on HBO Go. It's one of the coolest things I've ever fucking seen.

HBO Go. And I've added a 9.30 stand-up show at Helium in Philly on August 20th, and I'll be at the Funny Bone, Virginia Beach, August 22nd and 23rd. Thanks again to Ben Schwartz, Bert Kreischer, and Amy Schumer. I'm going to get a picture of you guys, so don't run out of here. And as always, yeah yeah get the shirt off as always shut up

shut up as always Baseball Jordan is a shithead I knew there would be backlash and I love this one Olympic Dreams are a shithead.