Doug Loves Movies - Amy Schumer, Nikki Glaser, Gary Gulman, Paulo Costanzo, and Joe Crotty Guest

Episode Date: October 6, 2014

Live from the Gramercy Theater in NYC, Doug welcomes comedians Amy Schumer, Nikki Glaser and Gary Gulman, actor Paulo Costanzo ("Road Trip"), and auction winner Joe Crotty to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, squeaky babies, sticky seeds With 50 acid pop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Because Doug loves movies Hey, everybody! Hey! Hey, everybody! No step, no step. Those are new.

Thanks, Gramercy Theatre, for keeping us safe up here. My name is Doug, and I love movies. This is our love for movies! Very nice. Coming to you from the aforementioned Gramercy Theater in New York City! You never let me down when I come to town. Never leave with a frown.

But with something that's brown it's Monday October 6 2014 Wolf of Wall Street fight Terminator 2 Judgment Day of the oh I see what it's I wrote in there who thinks they know the whole thing I bet you know it you think you know it here stand up wrote in there, who thinks they know the whole thing? I bet you know it.

You think you know it? Here, stand up. Tell everybody your name. Paul. Paul B., right? Yes. Ha ha. I know my front rows. Alright, dude. Are we going to say it together, or do you think you can do it by yourself?

Wolf of Wall Street fight. Terminator 2, Judgment Day, The Dead Man Walking, Call the President's Men in Black, Fisher King, Ralph, A Dog Day, Afternoon, Delight, Sleep, Perfect, Murder by Death, Wish, Three Amigos, World's End of Watchmen, Don't Leave in Lost Bay,

Gas Food, Loud Jingle, All the Wayne's World, Fascist Indiana Jones, and the Temple of Jingle, All the Wayne's World, Fastest Indiana Jones, and the Temple of Dooms, Doomsday of Thunder. That part always shows me up. Thunderbolt. Thunderbolt, Light Foot.

Light Foot. It's hard to remember the movies that you're not at all familiar with. Light Foot. Fist. Fist Light foot... Fist... Fist... Way of the Gun, Crazy Heart. Yes!

Paul B! Paul B! Do not alert the corrections department about the huge chunk in the middle that he left out. Because I've always thought of that as a sneaky trap in there that the word way goes off in two different directions. Like there's a couple of times where you could accidentally just skip a big chunk of it. And that's what happened.

And for that, I'm grateful because there's no reason to drag that out because I've got two very special announcements to make on this show one regarding this very theater the Gramercy featured in the uh the movie Begin Again and uh it's it's fun I. I have fun watching that movie because I've been on stage at the Gramercy and then they're in here and they're calling it the Gramercy and I feel a pride.

A pride in a building. But I will be back here at the Gramercy on December 1st for the first ever edition of the 12 Guests of Christmas. East Coast style. Yeah. And you know, I don't feel like you guys necessarily need to commit to this endeavor tonight.

But we have set it up so that as you're leaving this evening, if you want to jump online at the box office, they will sell you tickets tonight and they won't go on sale tomorrow until noon. We love our first responders here in New York City, whether it's ticket buying or in other areas. Um, and I do appreciate you guys. And, uh, announcement number two, my first ever hour-long stand-up comedy special called Doug Dynasty is, uh, is coming to Netflix on Thursday, November 6th

in the U.S., Canada, and the U.K. So watch the shit out of it. And lots of fun prizes in the prize bag. I brought an At Midnight t-shirt because I only need the one. Only needed to come through the rotation of shirts once in a while. Oh, this is kind of cool. My friends from Star Wars Minute brought some of their t-shirts by. They have lots of funny Star Wars characters and their faces on there. Also a copy of Gateway Doug 2, Forced Fun. And then lots of other fun gifts from my, as you can see on stage here, I've got five guests tonight.

And I have a pretty good feeling that you're going to like them. Please give a big warm welcome to Joe Crotty, Paolo Costanzo, Gary Gullman, Nikki Glaser, and Amy Schumer. Thank you. Nice. All right. Thank you. Be gentle. Okay, Pete Holmes. How dare you?

The first person to speak gets the Pete Holmes Award. And it's not necessarily an honor or a dishonor. What's happening with your phone? Amy Schumer, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I asked my sister to text me what movies we just watched in hotel rooms. So she did. She did? Yeah, so she did. We're going to talk about it in a little bit

and you're going to be ready because your phone's right there on the floor. On the stage right next to the no step. Yeah, no step. These aren't steps, you guys, in case you were thinking about... No step it up. ...using them as such. Nikki Glaser is here, you guys. Hi.

Hey. Amy and Nikki are ready to step in for the actresses who are starring in Sideshow, the musical about the Siamese twins. I think you guys would be great in it. We're both wearing denim on denim. We definitely look like we're leaving here to eat each other out.

Can we? Let's do it. What are we waiting for? I was referring more to your closeness as individuals than your outfit matching, but that was still a fun thing that just happened. That's what I count on from you, Amy. But Nikki ran over here with some crazy stuff for the prize bag.

Yeah, I was just cleaning up my room, really. stuff for the prize bag. Yeah, I was just cleaning up my room, really. It's just a bunch of hair stuff that I got from my hair lady. And she gave me a bag of stuff that I'm just never going to use.

Yeah, there's like, hipsy adjustable headbands. I can't vouch for how many of them there are. You can just have them. I don't care if you win. Those seem pretty cool. This seems like maybe at the worst you could maybe do whippets with it or something. It's some sort of aerosol.

Yeah, it's just like a flexible hairspray. Flexible? What does that even mean? You know, like it gives you the hold, but it lets you have a little bounce. You know what? I'm sorry to jump around, but I gotta just, for the people that it's going to drive them crazy,

like, who is this Joe guy? Why should we know this fella? He won the auction that was held a few months back for the Traverse City Film Festival. And paid a great deal of money to be a guest on the show and I said, well, you gotta fly yourself out to LA or come to one of my road shows and he's like, well, I'm in New York, so let's do it and that's why he's here, ladies and gentlemen. His name is

Joe Crotty. Crotty, C-R-O-T-T-Y. Is that your Twitter handle, your name straight up? I'd rather keep that private. For reals? Okay, don't fuck with Joe on Twitter, you guys. He's in a crotty mood.

And what do you do, Joe? What brings you here? I'm an accountant. I work here in the city. I live here. Love movies. You love movies and you listen to podcasts while you're adding up figures? On the way to adding up figures, adding up the figures on the way home. Oh, while you're doing it, though? Yes.

You can do that? It's very relaxing. All right. Well, we'll see how much attention you pay. We'll see how you adhere to my many rules. And also, that's not a step. And thank you for being here and for spending all that money for a good cause. It's for a heated sidewalk in downtown Traverse City.

And another first time, we got some first time guests here that we should say hello to. First of all, Paulo Costanzo, everybody. Hi, guys. Yeah. One of the stars of a film that if I have the television on and that film appears as I change channels, Josie and the Pussycats. I will watch it, Josie and the Pussycats,

beginning to tail every fucking time. They don't really show Josie and the Pussycats beginning to tail every fucking time. They don't really show Josie and the Pussycats. The one I'm referring to, of course, is Road Trip. Where, except for a few pieces of bad advice that your character gives, he's a very good representative of stoners because he's a very smart fellow. Yeah, he's like you. He's very functional. He can do a lot. Except for when he thinks

they can get that car over the ravine. No, it does get over the ravine. It does get over it. It's true. That is the hilariousness of that gag is it does make it. That might be the first time that's happened in a movie

is making it over the ravine and then just falling apart. Can I ask a question? Please. What is a Roth IRA? Wait, who was that? For the accountant. For Joe? I think that's directed at me.

Oh, okay. I mean, we established that Paulo's very smart, plays smart characters. I, of course, am functional. So I didn't know who the question was for. Do you know the answer to that, Joe? I wouldn't begin to bore this crowd with that answer. Really? It takes that long to answer it?

Not that long, but I don't think it's that interesting. It's a retirement account, and it's a tax shelter. Yes? Thank you, Gary. I'll take that. Coins! Gary Goldman,'ll take that. Coins! Gary Goldman, ladies and gentlemen.

What kind of product do you use in that luxurious hair of yours? It is just some Dep gel from like the 80s. From the 80s? Just one old canister of it that just regenerates.

No, it was big in the 80s and now it's an also-ran but there was a time when it was the gel. Do you have to run around town? When you're on the road, do you ever panic that you're not going to find it anywhere? It's in every one of those trial bins at Duane Reade. So it's like

99 cents. Seriously, a dime size. A dime size. at Duane Reade. Yeah. So it's like 99 cents. And just, I mean, seriously, a dime size. A dime size. Don't think you have to overdo it. Doug is spraying his head with this hairspray right now. It doesn't smell bad.

I hate the smell of hairspray, so that's one thing that... You can keep it. I can recommend about... Aloxi. This is a good time to bring up the gift that I brought, which is hair removal. It's an electrolysis.

Here we go. Yeah. It's a very fancy thing a makeup artist gave me before I realized that there was nothing I could do to help my skin. Listen to how heavy this thing is, you guys. I just knocked over everything. I carried that.

It's a laser hair removal kit. You can do it at home. And I carried that on the subway and this guy was smiling at me and I was like, oh, hi. And I thought he was looking at my ass. Here, verify how heavy this is. It was the Tria.

Yeah, she's shaking her head. Yes, it's heavy. It's fancy. It's expensive. But I'm scared I'll electrocute myself, so. There you It was the Tria. Yeah, she's shaking her head. Yes, it's heavy. It's fancy. It's expensive. But I'm scared I'll electrocute myself, so. There you go. The Tria.

Hair removal laser 4X. So that's, yeah, four times the hair removal strength coming at you. Maybe they'll be a sponsor on getting Doug with high. So, Gary Gullman, what did you bring

for the prize bag, my friend? This is sad. My own albums. That's not sad at all. Your albums are delightful. That one is... This one looks like it's just in time

for the holidays. It was my attempt at a comedy Christmas album. It's called All I Want for Hanukkah is Christmas. Sold a thousand copies. And then the other one actually has an 80s movie cover to it. It's called No Can Defend, which is from Karate Kid, everyone.

They're hilarious. Less of a response on the second one, but that's actually the better one, but it has a worse title. It's amazing. All right. I love that album, Gar. Joe brought a couple of things for the bag.

He brought a New York City restaurant's guide from Michelin, because nobody knows food like the Michelin man. He's a fat son of a bitch. Knows plenty about food. And then also kind of food related, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman.

Which I actually have read and enjoyed. Might have been the last book I ever read. Oh, what's this? I don't know what this is. Who brought this? Oh, that's, well, I't know what this is. Who brought this? Oh, that's... Well, I did. It's another thing that I...

Don't want? Yeah. But it's so small. No, it's... Actually, Amy gave it to me backstage and said... It's yours now. Well, Butrin. It's mine now, so...

It's just a necklace of some sort. It's a Summer's Eve wipe. Whatever happens after the show. Paulo brought us four DVDs and or Blu-rays. Wow. Various formats. I heard it was a movie show, so I thought it was a crazy idea. No, this is a tremendously heavy pile of stuff.

I stand by every one of these movies. These are movies that if you haven't seen them, you should. And you might have missed them because they're kind of obscure. But yeah, I hope you... Did you wrap that yourself? That was my wife. My wife? No, no.

She gave me the ribbon and I wrapped the ribbon. Is this you too, Nikki? The curly tea towel? You know it is. Is that for after you drink curly tea? It's a thing that you put your hair, it's like a hair turban that helps you dry your hair faster. Gary.

Yeah, because you got to dry it before you put the goop in there. Yeah, you have to. Oh, I love it. All right, so yeah, somebody's going to win all this shit. I really hope it's a girl. I do, too. Oh, wait, but Paulo's movies. Let's see how the ladies like this movie selection.

Ladies only. Just respond to the ones you like. Animal Kingdom. Yeah, two of you. Come on, how about all the guys in the house? Yeah. No, no, for Animal Kingdom, not, two of you. Come on, how about all the guys in the house? Yeah. No, no, for Animal Kingdom, not just for being guys. Like, for Animal Kingdom specifically.

Okay, four of them. All right, we don't have to separate the sexes. These are all great movies. Okay, you're right. Being There. That's a great one. Paper Moon is an absolute, absolute delight. And then Army of Darkness.

Fuck yeah! That one's for boys and girls, apparently. Everybody loves Army of Darkness. I felt being there should have gotten that reaction. Amy, you love Army of Darkness, right? Oh my god, I can't get enough. Isn't that Bjork's song? Yeah.

It's the Lars von Trier movie with Bjork. song? Yeah. It's the Lars von Trier movie with Bjork. Where she's blind and sings a lot. Between rapings. I forget if there was rapings in that movie, but it's Lars von Trier. Something's going where it shouldn't go. I have come up with some of the greatest

slogans lately. That one is spot on. Real quick, you guys, because I think we're probably already running late, but let's start with Amy. What did you see in a hotel room with your sister that you can tell us about? Thank you for asking.

I saw two movies because I've been in a lot of hotels. I watched Snowpiercer. Wasn't it good? Oh my God, I loved it. Unwatchable. Oh, Gary, are you serious? Are you looking, what movies have you watched in hotel rooms lately?

Oh, you're saying we should lower the R if it's a hotel room movie. Sorry, City of God, every time. What do you want to say? What have you just seen in a hotel room that you think, what's the most watchable movie in a hotel room right now? The last movie I watched in a hotel room was Grand Rapids. Bye. I love that movie.

It was in 1993. Wait, Cedar Rapids? Cedar Rapids? Cedar Rapids there you go I know it was a Rapids I really left an impression on you I was so happy to watch Snowpiercer I love Tilda Swinton

and I thought it was really cool Chris Evans had some great moments in that movie let's be honest he what? he has what? he had some good moments in it he was some really good acting from Chris Evans

but there weren't 14 other sci-fi movies that used the same devices in it? well it wasn't scary I'm not standing up for the movie I'm saying Chris Evans. But there weren't 14 other sci-fi movies that used the same devices? Well, it wasn't scary. I'm not standing up for the movie. I'm saying Chris Evans had some good moments in the movie. Yes, I'm sorry. Particularly when he said, and I hope this isn't spoiling anything for anybody, I hate that I know what people taste like.

And then, no, no, no, no, the best part, and I hate that I know that babies taste best. Brilliant. I mean, it was good acting. I actually felt for him in spite of those lines. And I also saw Begin Again. Oh, I like that movie. I like that movie.

They had a scene right here in the Gramercy Theater. Oh, yeah. That's right, right? I like that movie. At first, I was like, meh. And then at the end, it was like fun. I was just likeh and then at the end it was like fun I was just like okay Keira Knightley like really you're like a struggling artist

and someone broke up with you and then see I like her singing though I liked the movie I like the music yeah the music's good and it's a real charmer it is is Adam Levine a good actor? Creeps up on you.

So what have you guys seen lately? He was, I'll say this. He grows a beard like a good actor. Yeah. His beard is like a Mandy Patinkin beard. Yeah. It's that level of great acting beards. Because he said something in an interview to the effect of there's nothing to it. Because he was

playing like a douchebag. Yeah, he's just a rock star guy with a high-pitched voice who does a show here at the Gramercy and doesn't sell out as quickly as this show did. Yeah. Wow. It was a fake show in a movie, you guys. I don't know who those people in the audience were but Keira Knightley comes in and she stands right over there and she watches some of the show

and he's like oh Greta if you're here you can come up and play I'd really love you to play with me don't spoil I'm not going to say the whole scene I'm not going to tell about the part where she gets suddenly stabbed from behind by somebody's dick did you see anything else in the hotel, Amy?

Or are we moving on after Snowpiercer? Was that a good Snowpiercer discussion? I really liked the quote. I couldn't have quoted it. But I was just... What was the Keira Knightley movie where they donate their organs? That was so fucking gross.

Never Let Me Go. Never Let Me Go. Never Let Me Go. Ugh. Well, I saw that a while ago, but I just thought that was so gross to watch that they were just living to harvest organs. Sorry if that's giving it away. But no, I think that's all I've seen. Yeah, yeah. Some of the greenest people.

Oh, I watched Grand Budapest Hotel. Very fun. Very fun movie. Yeah. I was just like, I love Wes Anderson, and I fun movie. Yeah, I was just like, I love Wes Anderson and I love those actors and I was just like, yawn.

Really? Yeah. I thought it turned a fun corner from, I got a little tired of some of the antics in Moonrise Kingdom and I thought this was

a fresh take. I had an opposite. First time a lot of F-bombs are dropped in a Wes Anderson movie. Yeah. How about Ray Fiennes, baby? Ray Fiennes is fucking hilarious.

He is amazing. I thought they were really great moments, and Moonrise Kingdom I was never bored, but in this I was bored. I also took an Ambien when I put it on. But usually that makes me like things more, so. Maybe you just have more going on in your life, and so it seems a little more frivolous than in the past, maybe.

Wait, what in my life? Nothing. No, I'm the same. Your life's fucked up. Life's fucked up? No, your life. Just learn to listen. Even when it's about me, I can't listen.

I'm just like, ugh. Nikki, what have you seen lately? Legends of the Fall. I seriously just watched it. Oh, is that what have you seen lately? Um, Legends of the Fall. I seriously just watched it. Oh, is that what you do? You try to watch things based on the season that you're in? Yeah. Yeah, 600 Days of Summer, 500 Days of Summer, that was...

You're gonna watch Free Fall? Yeah. Skyfall, I meant. Falling Down. But there is a movie called Free Fall also. Look it up. But you just watched it and does it hold up?

It, I've never seen it before. All my girlfriends are like, you have to see it. And it was just, I didn't, I,

it doesn't end the way you want it to and it should. Oh, because you're rooting Some of us haven't seen it, okay? You don't have to talk

about the ending. Have you seen it? I actually have not seen that it's it's don't it's i didn't what do you think have you seen it i loved it but it's like yeah it doesn't i mean the way you want it to end like what is that you want like brad pitt like to just be like fucking that like yeah no no i hated that okay maybe i'm projecting the bear is that where is that where it goes wrong? He runs off with the bear? Yeah, I was disappointed.

It was too much hype for me. My friends hyped it up too much. They were just like, you're going to die. And it was just like, I was bored. But I do think the best Halloween costume would be to go as his dad when he wears that chalkboard necklace that says, I am happy. I think someone's got to do that. Does anyone know that?

I don't remember that at all. Yeah, his dad can't speak because he's had a stroke, so he's just like, ugh. And he has a necklace that's a chalkboard to communicate. And his son is like married or whatever and he's like happy you're filling in a lot of details from before it was just there's a guy with a sign that says i am happy turns out it's a really bad reason why he has to have a sign i am happy it was just oh my god i have to get my dad one of those i just thought it was an eccentric quirk at first that the guy walked around with a necklace that said i am happy no turns out it's how he communicates in his yeah it's actually pretty private hell yeah

but yeah gary what do you got buddy uh what movie have you seen i saw boyhood recently oh boy oh yeah yeah and that is uh it's it's like the worst thing that could happen to you as a middle class white person. Seeing that movie? There'll be some... That's what I thought he meant. No, the boy within the movie. You could, pretty much the worst things that can happen is a divorce and you have to move around a lot. And it's sad and everything like that.

But it could have been, like Hoop Dreams is a similar thing where they follow... Yeah. Where they follow a black family. So they go in there. So Linklater went in there, got a couple, and forced them to get divorced and then filmed their son

pretending to be the child of those two actors. No. No. Deep. Everybody loves it, but nobody seems to mind that I haven't seen it yet.

I'll get to it eventually, but it seems long and sad to me. Sight unseen. Cool. Paulo. Hi, Doug. I just want to say, first of all, I've listened to this show a lot of times, and I really love the show. I always pictured it, there's to be a table and sitting, and you sit.

It is sometimes. When you stand up and you're pacing, it's like, I feel like I'm being cross-examined by a charming pothead. No, you just reminded me that I didn't put this over here. Oh, cool, okay. So, what have I seen recently? Let's see.

I saw three movies last week. One of them was Blue Ruin on Netflix, which if you haven't seen that, go out of your way to watch. It's the best low-budget indie movie that I've seen. Yeah, it's quite good, and it seems like it might not be for a while at the beginning.

It takes a while to settle in, but once you get going... There's a gentleman, Doug's opinion. I think this is the part where I talk, okay? So, yes, there's elements of it that feel like, oh, is this... but then it ends, it's a brilliant movie. When you were making Road Trip.

It's not that funny, guys. What are you laughing at? Are you even laughing at the show? He's texting. You're texting. She's adding little ruins to her movie list. Yeah! You dick.

All right, so I also saw The Equalizer. My friend took it and equalizer my friend yeah don't even add it to your list okay so the equalizer i'll say this it was a tv show a long time ago for me i know the story of the equalizer as a little thing called the punisher which is the exact same premise except for in the punisher this guy with special abilities and killing people and whatnot who's turned over a new life uh sees his wife and child mowed down in front of him and therefore the switch flips and he goes fucking crazy killing everybody whereas in the equalizer a guy tells him that a prostitute he kind of knows got beat up pretty bad and that seems to be enough for him to go literally kill every person who enters the frame he kills birds every, if a crew member wanders into frame,

they're fucking toast. He kills every, spoiler, sorry, everybody dies. He walks by a mirror and tries to fucking kill it. If you sit through the whole movie, he's killed some time as well for you. Snap. It's about an hour and a half too long. But Denzel's amazing in it.

And then I saw... Wait, can I say one thing about the equalizer? Yeah. I haven't seen it yet, but does anyone scuba dive? Yes. Okay, do you know when you go like this, what it's called? Yeah, and so I just pictured Denzel just doing this the whole movie. Like in flight doing this.

There should have been a scene where you did that. The equalizer? What? No, just something smells in here. In flight doing this. There should have been a scene where you did that. Are you the equalizer? What? No. Just something smells in here. A guy did that to me once and I was fucking pissed. So, oh my goodness. It's the thing you do on the plane to pop your ears.

That's equalizing. I can't stop singing equalizer, but to the tune of Britney Spears' Womanizer. I just walk around going equalizer, equalizer, but to the tune of Britney Spears' Womanizer. I just walk around going, Equalizer, Equalizer, you're an Equalizer. Paulo? I'll just say, also, there's a scene in the Equalizer, I won't spoil it, where someone says, what are you? And he's looking at him, and you're like, he's going to fucking say it. And he says nothing. He just kills him.

Fuck you. Okay, so I saw Gone Girl. No. Oh, no. I'm not going to mention anything about the ending, okay? So at the ending. Start at the ending and go backwards. So I have to say this.

Give us Pinter's version. I watched the trailer and I thought I was going to hate it. I was like, oh, fuck the cast. I don't know what the fuck's going on with it. And it's really, it's good. It's not like, it's the least Fincherian of his Fincher movies, probably, but it's just a solid, it's a solid.

Her name's Amy, too. She's gone. Oh, shit. Amazing Amy is gone. So, yeah, you should just, yeah, you should just see it. It's good. I'm in the middle of reading. I'm trying to race through reading it.

Oh, God, don't. People have said they throw the book out the window when they're finished with it. They just are so upset. You just got to watch the movie. Yeah. Save it. All right, settle down, everybody.

I call a... But the movie's better than the book? Silence. Cross-examine. Silence on Gone Girl. Get together with everybody that's seen it and talk your asses off. But I'm gonna see it tomorrow I think. I've done a really good job but I didn't even watch the trailer.

Yeah, I saw like two seconds of it and I was like that looks like it's gonna be pretty good oh it's David Fincher well I have to see it so why I watch the trailer Joe Joe karate everybody I like saying it I like saying it because it sounds like I'm calling you Joe Karate. Joe Karate, everybody. What have you seen lately? Have you been to the cinema?

I have not been in the cinema in quite a while. I have two newborns at home. Twins? Twins. Wait, newborn what? A lovely boy and girl. Oh, okay. What's a CD? Twin babies are they twin twin babies are they twin

shadies um so i don't get a chance to get out as much so it's mostly at the home but i just saw the uh the tom cruise uh live die repeat it's called the edge of tomorrow okay that was the slogan i signed a petition to change the title of that movie just the other day. It should have been Live, Die, and Repeat. To what? What? Oh, I missed it. I don't care what they change it to.

They could change it to any two or three words from the dictionary, and it would be better than The Edge of Tomorrow. Tyler Perry's Edge of Tomorrow. Everybody go. What did you think of the movie, Joe? I thought it was actually very good.

I mean... It's quite good, yeah. Tom Cruise, he makes good movies. Yeah. It becomes just an action movie. At the very end,

it just becomes an action movie, but up until then, I think it's very clever and well acted and not enough praise to Bill Paxton for his turn in that movie.

He's very good. He always is excellent. Yeah, yeah. And then I have a confession. Go, Bill. The other movie that I've seen, and I've seen it twice in the last week. Nymphomaniac? No.

The Devil Wears Prada. It's much worse. Wait, why have you seen it twice? Just preparing for this show, you didn't want the fate of Pete Holmes to befall you? No. It was on MTV yesterday. Well, first of all, it's constantly on, but that's not why I saw it twice. I was on a bus, and they were showing it on a bus.

Yes. What a fancy bus. It was. Very fancy bus. And I had no intention of watching it, and then it just sucked me in and I watched it and then I got on the same bus like three days later and they were showing it again and I said oh I'm not gonna watch it again and it took about 10 minutes and I was watching it again this is the exact plot of Snowpiercer

can I just say it was my wife's birthday yesterday, and we were watching TV, and she's like, well, what are we going to watch? I'm like, you know what, honey? We can watch whatever you want to watch. And she's like, oh, my God. And she flipped. She was flipping, and she hit Devil Wears Prada.

And I was like, oh, God, no. Take it back. And she's like, I think I want. I'm like, okay, cool. And it was the most horrendous 15 minutes of my life. Oh, it only had 15 minutes left? No, it was in the middle. How did you get out of watching the rest of it?

How did you escape? That's between me and my wife. It wasn't sex. Sexy time. She felt sick, I felt sick. Can I just say a quick side note about Devil Rears Prada? I went to the US Open, and they show celebrities up on the big screen,

and they showed Hugh Jackman, and everyone went in the class, and they show celebrities up on this big screen and they showed Hugh Jackman, everyone in the class, and then they showed Anna Wintour and everyone booed hard. As they should. And she looks so sad. Well, because with that name, they think she's Anna from Frozen and they want her to lift the curse.

I don't know if any of that was accurate. So dark. Doug, you're amazing. In real life, even more so. Well, thank you so much, and thank you to all of my guests for going to the movies. Yeah. But now's the part of the show where I say,

let the games begin. We got some name tags. Oh my goodness. What an amazing Chris and the giant boob. Hot Bob. Simons are forever.

Lots of great signs. Everybody go pick the sign you want to play for. You can use the stairs or just reach into the crowd. And while you do that, we'll do this. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. There's no sponsor this episode.

I just wanted to remind you that I'm going to be in Sioux Falls this Saturday at the Orpheum Theater doing stand-up comedy with my old buddy, Sean Jordan. And also to check out Doug Dynasty November 6th on Netflix. Back to the show. And we're back! Alright you guys! That was a fun commercial if I must

say so. And let's just go down the line. I'm going to vine you guys while you hold up your sign and tell me who you're playing for, starting with Joe. What do you got, Joe? I have Sarah Plain. And it's Otto from Airplane. It's the autopilot from Airplane.

Yes. And he's even got a thing sticking out of his groinal area that you can blow into. He's anatomically correct into to blow him up. Yeah, Amy's checking it out. But yeah, hold it up for me one more time. So it's Sarah playing. Good job, Sarah. I like that.

Good pick, Joe. Who are you playing for there, Apollo? So, I may need your help here because you probably know more movies than me. I'm imagining your name is Josh Is that correct? Yeah So this is a lot of work went into this

He's taken the fantastic Mr. Fox And the fantastic Mr. Josh The good, the bad, and the Josh It seems like he's replacing words in the movies With the word Josh With Josh, yes Thank you And he just sort of pasted on there

But he's made a whole tray. This is Mr. Show, but it's Mr. Josh. And this is the Indiana Josh in the Raiders of the Lost Ark. This is like the thing they give you in a hotel room to put on your lap so that your hot computer won't be on your lap while you're jerking off in your bed.

Funny. And this guy glued a bunch of shit to it and what is the little where the wild things are where the wild things josh i don't know they're where the sunglass josh is josh the name of that character he's he's left josh left uh anyway a lot of work he left quite a legacy because that's a that's an impressive name tag who Who you got there, Gary? I have Jackie, and I believe this is Miss Go-Right-Ree. Jackie, and it's a little Audrey Hepburn doll, and you called it Miss Go-Right-Ree because that's how, what was it,

Mickey Rooney in the film was playing a fake Asian. Did a terrific job. Mickey, what do you got? I have a head, and I picked it because I have so many hair products in my bag that I wanted to give it to someone who also had hair. And, yeah, it's like a mannequin head named Nicole. And yeah. Awesome pick. And that's my name,

so cool. And that's your name. And that's your name. And that's your name. Amy, who are you playing for? Bill, I guess, is his name. And it's Ghost Billsters. Because they're remaking Ghostbusters

and I'm trying to get in it. Bill was so nice. He's sitting next to his girlfriend and it said Jessica Park and it was like Jurassic Park with Jessica and he was like oh pick my girlfriend. But I was like no because they're not remaking Jurassic Park. But blessed. How bad do you want to be in it Amy?

Like would you settle for the Rick Moranis role? or the black guy? I would settle just to be an extra getting slimed yeah that's an interesting possibility what's going to happen with that what else am I going to happen with that.

What else am I going to say? People are like, what do you think about Ben Affleck being Batman? I'm like, I don't know. I'm going to go see it and then decide. I've got much bigger things to worry about. To determine who's going to go first today in our game...

I'll do it. It's a little harder than that because I have arranged for something that I think people will be quite pleased about. We're going to do a little game of doing lines with Mark. No! New York City! Holy fucking shit, this is crazy. You guys want to do some fucking lines or what? Thanks for coming, Mark. I know we were out in Yonkers last night.

Interrupting Ghost. That was interesting. It was interesting to get Mark's take on Ghost. Fucking great movie. Yeah, we cried a little bit. I did fucking cry a little bit when he melts and goes away. Sad as shit. All right. Watch your spoilers, Mark.

So you're going to... Mark Wahlberg's going to say a line from a motion picture. Hopefully a recognizable classic line from a movie. He gets to pick. I don't have anything to do with it. And first person who can, you know, guess it correctly into your microphone will get to go

first. How you doing, you want a fuck? You're welcome. Alright, here we go. Ready? Let's do a fucking line. What just happened? I made arrangements.

All right, here we go. You said to someone in the audience, do you want to fuck? And you know what she said? Yes, please. All right. Glad that worked out. Okay, so this is a line from a movie, you guys. Look good, feel good. Look good, feel good.

All right, there's some rules you gotta know, okay? First off, he doesn't like light. Bright light especially, he fucking hates it. Second rule. Gremlins. Silence of the Lambs. It is fucking Gremlins. Silence of the Lambs. It is fucking gremlins. Oh my god.

Mark Wahlberg, I love you. Just so you know, the other rule is don't get them fucking wet and don't feed them after midnight. You're going to have a big fucking problem on your hands. Well, thanks for reminding us of all the gremlin rules. What did you say, Joe? Did you guess? Oh, he said gremlins, he just didn't say it louder.

Did Joe get it first? I think he did. So guys, did Joe get it before me? So I'll go first. So powder wasn't right. Powder was a great guess. Because he doesn't like the light. And that's as far as we got, right?

And he can make spoons into some kind of thing. Isn't that a part of it? Alright, I gotta go check on Donnie. You're not leaving though, are you? Don't leave, leave. Because... Wait, what? don't leave leave because wait what are you saying you want some more Wahlberg

well you know what we had what we worked out what we're gonna do tonight yeah I'm gonna hang around yeah I gave Donnie a full tank of gas he's just going around the block he's really fucking pissed off though take a guess. He's just going around the block. He's really fucking pissed off, though. How are things with him and Jenny so far?

Going good? I don't know. He's been staying at our house every fucking night. That doesn't sound good. Okay, so all of my contestants on stage tonight during the Leonard Maltin game, when you've been challenged to name a movie and it's your turn to name it, you can use one lifeline during the game tonight.

At any point when it's your turn to name a movie, you can ask for Mark Wahlberg to save the day. And I'll fucking do it. Like he does. He's going to swoop in superhero style. You've got to get one of those superhero movies, man. Okay. You didn't see Invincible or The Fighter?

I was like a fucking superhero in that movie. Lone Survivor as well. Oh my god, Lone Survivor. I killed people. Alright, so let's play the Leonard Moulton game. With a lifeline, if you need it. Might as well use it. Mark's here.

He's ready to help. And we're going to start with Joe, since he said gremlins quietly first. I thought he said something. Everybody's honest up here. And then we'll go to you, Polo. And Gary, Nikki, Amy. Sound good, Mark? Let's fucking do it.

You get to pick a category, Joe. It's a friend of the show, Elizabeth Shue's birthday today. into it. You get to pick a category, Joe. It's a friend of the show, Elizabeth Shue's birthday today. Fucked her. She's been on... She's been on the show. 1996, backstage at the Lilith Fair. I had sex with Elizabeth Shue.

How was it, Mark? I got out of the best. Real quick, real quick. Anybody else on the panel? Fucker? Okay, good. We're all good. So the films of Elizabeth Shue is one category.

And the next one, as suggested by Malcolm underscore Irvin on Twitter, he suggested Tickle Me Elmore. Tickle Me Elmore. Tickle Me Elmore. And that's comedy movies based on Elmore Leonard books. Tickle Me Elmore. At ServCrow,

S-E-R-V Crow, suggested The Liver. You know how there was that movie out called The Giver? This is The Liver. And it's movies where Jeff Bridges is drunk. And I'm so glad this movie already came up today. At Big underscore Ron came up with the category Edge of Tomato. Which would also be a better title for Edge of Tomorrow.

And Edge of Tomato is movies where there's some sort of fruit in the title because it's at the edge of tomato. I should have gone with The Liver Third. I had no idea. Which one of those do you like, Joe? I got to go with the Jeff Bridges one. Okay. Jeff Bridges gets drunk.

I have a feeling that you could throw a dart at Jeff Bridges' career and hit drunk character. Three stars from Leonard for this one from 2009. He says about this movie that Jeff Bridges gets drunk he says about it also that this is this is tough

oh amiable he calls this movie amiable so are you Amy amiable and he also says that this movie flirts with cliches at every turn. Flirts with them. It's interesting. So, Joe, Leonard lists only six names.

How many names do you think it will take you to figure it out? I think I know the movie. I'm just trying to remember if I know the title of it, which is always the challenge. I think part of the challenge is to not mention any of those things. That's probably true. But you're so used to listening to the show and everybody likes to talk everybody through it. It's so much easier at home listening on the iPhone.

I'll go negative one. Well, I'm glad Paulo listens to the show with some frequency so he's not confused about what's happening to him. He might not like it, but you know now that you... Negative two. There you go. I could be wrong. Gary, it feels to me...

I'm going to give the same speech I was about to give to Paulo. It feels like you probably can't go negative three on this one. So just run your hand through that luxurious hair and say Paulo Costanza, name that movie. Yeah, Paulo, name that movie.

So the name of the film and then the top two billed performers in the correct order, please. It feels too easy to be true, but I would say it's Crazy Heart with Jeff Bridges and Maggie Gyllenhaal. Correct. Wow.

Thank you. Thank you. And Paulo is on the board. I'm right fucking here. Yeah, he just thought that was real easy, so he didn't have to use his lifeline. Oh, I didn't know the answer. I'm just saying, I'm right fucking here.

Yeah, don't forget that he's right fucking there, you guys. And Amy, you get to pick the next category. Then we're going to go to Nicky and Gary and Paulo, our point haver. Me? Like, I'm picking the category? You get to pick the category.

What was the first one? I haven't said any yet. And that's movies that have deaf people in them. have deaf people in there. Children of a lesser god. The other sister. Way to ruin it, you guys. Wait, what did you say?

The other sister. Olive juice, bro. Olive juice. They weren't deaf. Oh, no, you're right. I had it muted for like 35 minutes. Okay, Amy, here's the real categories. Don't guess answers ahead of time.

Premium Rush. That's Best Picture winners that are under 100 minutes long. Best Pitcher, and that's Oscar-nominated baseball movies. And I think you're going to like this one. At Party in My Jeans suggested Thanks for the Plug, and that's movies where someone is murdered in a bathtub. Those are them? Yeah, they could have

survived if someone would come in with a plug. Or maybe just die in a bathtub. Yeah.

Well, that does make a difference. Just dying in one. Not murdered. Could be murdered. Probably is murdered. Could be murdered. Probably is murdered. Could be suicide. It's a popular suicide.

Sure. Why are you looking at your Audrey Hepburn doll when you say that? You know something we don't know? Which one do you like, Amy? I mean, which one are you going to pick? The bathtub. Bathtub. Somebody dies in a bathtub in this motion picture.

Or they're dead in a bathtub. No, you watch them die in it. You presume they die in it. 1994 is the year. Two stars from Leonard Maltin. He says that this movie has artificial situations

and a bizarre scenery chewing performance. Bizarre scenery what? Scenery chewing. Chewing? Chewing. Chewing? Scenery chewing. Chewing? Chewing. Chewing? Scenery chewing.

Chewing? You know, like, oh, Hannibal Lecter's stomach or Anthony Hopkins' stomach wants to hurt when he played Hannibal Lecter because he ate all the scenery. Is that the answer? No, it's just I'm giving her context for the expression scenery chewing.

And he lists five names, a mere five names. So what do you want to do? I'm giving her context for the expression scenery chewing. And he lists five names, a mere five names. So what do you want to do, Amy? You want to take them all? Yes. She says five names, Nikki. Wait, what does that mean again? I know that I've played this so many times.

It means she gets all the names. You can bid one less, four, or you could say name that movie, Amy, and hope that all five names as a cast doesn't give away the title for her. Oh, that's right, okay. I'll take four. Yes! Gary? Can I have one?

Oh, really? Whoa! Aren't you a... Do you understand what you're saying? Have you ever met Abby Elliot? She would just bid negative names with no idea what was happening. Didn't pay off.

Yeah, but she tried hard. What? She tried hard. She did? You were hard. She did. You were there. I was there. Paulo, Gary says just one name is all he needs to discern the name of this movie.

Gary, please name that movie. Oh, hang on. Hang on now. Now that you've been ordered to name it. Right. Do you want Mark Wahlberg to help you? Do you want Mark Wahlberg to help you? For the listener at home, I made a very confident face.

Correction. For the listener at home, I made my usual face. It was a funny face. All right, Gary, your one name out of five is Ellen Green. Gary, hold on here a sec. Do you know it? I know. What's the name of the movie?

You sure you don't need Mark? No, I think I'm okay. Are you sure you know it? Is this game over? I don't know it, right? Yeah. What's the name of the movie? You sure you don't need Mark? No, I think I'm okay. Are you sure you know it? Is this game over? I don't know it, right? Yeah. What's it called? What Lies Beneath.

Someone else has been shot in a bathtub. Because that's what happens in this movie. It was Ellen Green, in fact, who gets shot in a bathtub pretty early on in a motion picture called The Professional. The Professional, of course. Also known in some circles as Leon colon The Professional. And that means that Paolo Costanzo is our

winner with two points. I didn't want it to go that way. I want to keep playing Two points That's what happens sometimes Yeah it's uh Should I claim two on my taxes

If it's like I have a pet but it's like I'm kind of just fostering it Hey Charlie Do you know what happened to the boy who got everything you ever wanted? What? He lived happily ever after.

Hey, Charlie. Do you know what happened to the boy who got everything you ever wanted? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It is Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. When you're hanging out with Mark, you never know when you're just going to suddenly start doing lines.

I love doing fucking lines. Yeah, you're ready day and night to do some lines. I love that about you. I do lines and it just keeps me fucking going. I'm pretty sure that the audience here tonight would like, well, first of all, let's congratulate who Paula was playing for. Where's your, where's that? Now they got to carry that crazy thing home and all these prizes.

Yeah, Josh, where are you, Josh? How far away is Josh? No idea what the sword's about. There's Josh. Do you have any ideas? Oh, it's supposed to be a shield. But do you have any idea? A crest, of course.

Let's talk about it some more. Yeah, no, you don't need it because you won. The shithead is a consolation prize for the people who don't win. I see. And he got it all. Look at that. Yeah, Josh. That's going to be a fun subway ride.

Can I just say that I feel happy? He really just collected that and got the fuck out of here. Like, he didn't even want to talk to us. Oh, he's literally leaving. Dude, wait around until the end of the fucking show, bro. Did he already take everything?

Wow, he was fast. He kept trying to describe his name tag and I was ready to move on. That's why he got out of there so fast. Yeah, I was rude to him. But, uh... Because, uh... Everybody wants more show, though, right?

Even though... So we're each gonna do 30-minute sets. And while we're doing that, we're gonna set up a kiosk in the lobby where your taxes are going to get done. Now let's play a game with no pressure whatsoever, but it's just fun to do. And you can join in, Mark, if you'd like. I'm ready to win. All right, dude.

Okay, I'll go first. I can't believe that nobody used you, Mark, for a lifeline. What would you have done on that terrible answer that Gary gave? I would have gone with the most obvious fucking answer. What lies beneath? Sleeping with the enemy.

I would have gone with sleeping with the enemy. We would have lost either way. Did you really finger Reese Witherspoon in fear? Oh my god. lost either way. Did you really finger Reese Witherspoon in fear? He's put his fingers to her nose. Wow, is that Sweet Home Alabama? It is. Joe, can you do me a quick favor and describe to the listeners what just

happened? Go ahead, Joe. Tell them. Mark provided immediate olfactory confirmation. Come on. You left out the best part. With four fingers.

Or the worst part. Hot dog, I wish I had a million dollars. Hot dog, I wish I had a million dollars. Hot dog, I wish I had a million dollars. It's a wonderful life. It is, it's a wonderful life. Way to fucking go, Gary Coleman. I gotta stop doing lines with you.

It's out of nowhere. It throws the rest of my night off when I'm suddenly doing lines. I didn't plan for that. We're gonna play a little round of love, like, hate, hate, like. Yeah. It's a favorite of some.

And we're gonna play a round of it with the gentleman who's, you know, he's in all the papers right now for his arguing with Bill Maher and for his motion picture that everybody's talking about, Gone Girl. Let's do this game with Ben Affleck. And that means we're going to go down the line one at a time. We'll do each category all the way down the line and then start the next one. You can pass once. You have to name a movie that you love that Ben Affleck is in, a movie that you like, a movie that you hate, and a movie that

you hate yourself for liking. And you can pass once, as I said. And let's once, as I said. And let's start with Mark Wahlberg. You want a movie I like with Ben Affleck? We're going to start with Love. Love? Oh, fuck it then. Day's Confused, motherfucker. That movie taught me how to beat people with paddles.

What's that? Huh? What'd you say? That movie taught me how to beat people with paddles. But that's not a line from the movie? See, I never know when we're doing lines. Oh, you'll know. I think it'd be obvious.

I've done lines with you so many times. You think I just know what's happening, but it always surprises me. me well we got another one coming is that from Cheaper by the Dozen? it is Cheaper by the Dozen did you guys hear that? he said we got another one coming but I thought that was a line from a movie

alright Amy do you love a Ben Affleck movie? Yes, I do. Which one? I love the one on HBO where he was doing steroids. Families in Crisis. Thank you. Is that a real thing? Yeah, he beat up his girlfriend and he got acne because he wanted to be better at football. Is this Armageddon?

No. But I also like Mallrats. All right, you don't want to waste one of your likes, though. But go ahead. Nikki? A movie that I hate? No, a movie that you love. Who wants to hate?

I'm terrible at describing how this works. We're going to go through each one all the way through. Yeah, Bounce. You love Bounce? I loved it. I was thinking about it today. I loved it. It's, yeah, he died.

Wait, does he? It doesn't matter who dies, but someone dies in a plane crash, right? Isn't that it? No one dies? No one dies? That's forces of nature. Oh, that's it. Well, I was thinking like a plane crash, like it would just, it bounces instead or something.

Like that's what I, um, okay. Forces of nature. No, that wasn't forces of nature. No, forces of nature was a comedy. With Sandra Bullock. Yeah. It's called bounce. They were in a plane though and they almost crashed or there's a, there's a lightning

storm or something. No, Gwyneth Paltrow's husband dies in a plane crash. Oh, okay. And Ben Affleck met him before the plane. It's about her bouncing back with her life. It's not about the plane bouncing. I know. Well.

Or it's about a fabric software that she uses. What did you say? Something about loving you. Long time. Thank you. Gary, what do you got?

What do you love of Ben Affleck's work I mean this is it's obvious right what is it you suspect do it good good will hunting people take this burger I'm gonna put it here. And every day you bring in a fucking dollar. Until you get your burger back. Good Will Hunting? That is Good Will Hunting. Way to go, Doug.

We'll fuck up some smart kids. There you go. Hey, remember me from kindergarten? And then they beat the fuck out of that dude. What was his name? Carmine. Carmine Scott Paglia. Fuck you, Carmine.

Yeah, he was hanging out with some skanks. Tell me you don't love me. and she's crying her fucking eyes out. Keep antagonizing me, see what happens. All day I could do this. We could just do lines all fucking night, bro. I got a whole fucking bag of lines. I got one, I got one. Something about some sort of math problem.

But that'll be a fun side game is when we get to you, Mark, when we get to you on like. Sure. Tell us the line from the movie and then we'll guess what one it is that you like. Okay, got it. Yeah, that'll be fun. We still got to spread some love around though. Paulo, do you have a Ben Affleck movie that you love? I really did love The Town.

Oh, yeah. It was a damn good movie. Solid movie. And directed it. Yeah, that was a good one. I want you to do me a favor. We're going to hurt some people and you can never ask me about it again. Are you doing The Town now?

Yeah, I get caught up. I fucking get caught up. That was actually from The Town? Yeah, that is from The Town. You're amazing. He storms in. Don't you remember that? I mean, I remember them. He looks at the town? Yeah, that is from the town. Wow. You're amazing. He storms in. Don't you remember that? I mean, I remember them.

I don't remember the words. You looked at that angry fucking dude from the Hurt Locker? You don't remember that? Yeah, I love that guy. Do you know any quotes from our town? Oh, I do. I do.

It was never the same after she left. Right here. Right here at this tree. Right here at this tree is where I fell in love. All right. Joe Crotty, do you have a Ben Affleck movie you love? To take something that hasn't been said, I would go with Dogma. Okay.

I don't know. It's just like my cup stayed small. Okay, Dogma. It is okay to say the same movie as someone else. So you can just agree. You don't want to force you to come up with a different answer. I definitely would go with Daisy Confused. That's a movie I love.

Had to dig that far back. But who knows? Maybe Gone Girl. Maybe Batman v. Superman. It's called Gone Girl Gone, just for the record. Gone Baby Girl Gone Baby give us a line from a Ben Affleck movie you like

Mark Wahlberg did you go to it? yeah it's not that you like him it's just you got a fucking lack of options it's not that you like him you just got a lack of options it's not that you like him you got a fucking lack of options. It's not that you like him, you just got a lack of options.

It's not that you like him, you just got a lack of options. Chasing Amy? Chasing Amy? No, you guys hold on a sec. It's not that you like him, you just got a lack of options. Oh, Reindeer Games. No. Okay, you want a different line, same movie? Sure.

First one doesn't seem to work. Oh, and one more thing. We don't want to pay taxes. Shut your mouth, you motherfuckers. Oh, and one more thing. Remember this? Remember this? And one more thing.

We don't want to pay taxes. It is Armageddon. We don't want to pay taxes. It is Armageddon! I was going to guess Shakespeare in Love. All right, so that's a movie you like, Mark Wahlberg. You should have been in that, right? Oh, my God. I tried to get in that fucking movie. They took the ugly dude from Grace Under Fire and let him be in it.

fucking movie. They took the ugly dude from Grace Under Fire and let him be in it. Amy, do you have a Ben Affleck movie that you just like? Bounce. Thank you. Yeah. No, that's what I wanted to do. Yeah. Gigli. um g-ly

the second g is silent I think you're just gonna mix up the categories go do like a grab bag you like g-ly I loved it okay so okay so you love g-ly and you like Mallrats. Yeah.

Okay, now we're square. If we're not counting the steroid one. We worked that out. Nikki, which one do you like? Forces of Nature, for sure. Yeah, that's a weird-ass movie, right? It was great. Those slow-motion scenes with the rain and the plane crash.

No, it's not the right movie. Yeah, it was great. I liked it. Maura Tierney. She was a person in it. I love her. I can't get enough Maura Tierney. Maura Tierney.

Ooh, that new show looks good. Maura Tierney. I don't even, she's on a new show? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, geez. News radio. News podcast.

Gary, what do you like? Can I paraphrase a scene from it? There's no fucking rules. Let's start. I'll have sex with Banky. Chasing Amy. Come on. Then you have sex with Banky.

And then our friendship will be saved. Chasing Amy. And then... Come on. Then you have sex with Banky. And then our friendship will be saved. Chasing me? Yes. Yes. The shit you don't know about me... Exit through the gift shop? That's Banksy. Banksy!

Oh my God. The shit you don't know about me, I could write a fucking book. Donnie tried to say that once. I just laughed and laughed. Fingercuffs. Like a pair of fucking fingercuffs.

Because you're all hung up on shit she can't change from a time when you weren't around. This is creepy. You get it, right? Wow. I didn't know that Mark Wahlberg knew so much about Ben Affleck. It's amazing. Big influence, apparently.

Mark Wahlberg, you really are one of the most amazing people I've met in person. You're the fourth person today to say that. And there are other guests on stage tonight. There are other guests on stage tonight. What do you got for me, Paulo? I forgot. This is actually one of my favorite movies of all time. Can I paraphrase?

Can I say a line from it? I know. Oh, please. It goes, I may be blind, but I can see the law. Daredevil. I'm Daredevil is the next word in that sentence I actually don't like that movie I can't think of Ben Affleck movies that are just in the middle for me I either really like a couple

and then there's a lot that I hate I don't know Mallrats was good Mallrats was good Mallrats was good You're not under oath or anything You don't really sweat it so hard. What do you got

for me, Joe? For like, I'd have to go with Chasing Amy. Just to repeat. I picked one that nobody picked up on. I liked him and the movie Extract. Extract. Oh, yeah.

I liked it. Fake weed smoking. I liked it. I liked it. Fake weed smoking. There's a really funny Jason Bateman bong hit in there that I enjoy a great deal. Let's go the hate round. It's time to hate. Reindeer Games.

Does he say that at some point in that movie? No, I don't even know a fucking line for it I hate that movie I'm sure there's a line where it's like Wait, who has the money? It's a shitty movie Or he's like, how come you guys don't let me play? Like early in the movie

There's a pickup basketball game And he can't even get on the team And he's like, why don't you let me play? And then the rest of the movie There's a pickup basketball game And he can't even get on the team And he's like Why don't you let me play And then the rest of the movie Has nothing to do with Did it feel like someone Was stomping around on the stage?

I've heard they have ghosts here It was me Oh was you? Yeah I went like that Oh okay Yeah Is that alright? Yeah it's okay

Go Amy Oh alright You can do it Amy What? Ben Affleck movie that you hate Yeah, it's okay Go, Amy Oh, alright You can do it, Amy What? Ben Affleck movie that you hate I know, I'm not stupid I have a TV show and I'm starring in a movie Thank you

July 24th, train wreck I do too, it's called Transformers 4 and Wahlburgers I want to change my last round I do too. It's called Transformers 4 and Wallburgers. I want to change my last round. I want to say Gigli now because I was just lying because I couldn't think of anything. And I want to say that I loved Boiler Room. Alright, you're really switching things around. So Amy loves Boiler Room, likes Mallrats

and hates Gigli. I hated The Voyage of the Mimi. It was his first movie and Mr. Stobie made us watch it in seventh grade for like three weeks and it's terrible. Oh my God, Nick.

I totally forgot about that. Do you remember The Voyage of the Mimi? Of course I remember The Voyage of the Mimi. It was so bad. He's in that? Yes, he's the kid in it. Damn. Mini series.

Okay. Wow. Semantics. I'm sorry, Nikki. You're out. Does that mean I'm out? It's not a game for any. Oh, it's like a game where you can be out?

There's no real end game on this other than... Did, like, everyone have to watch that in school? Yeah. Oh, okay. What did it teach us? About sailing? Yeah, whaling and... One was scientific, and then one was fictional, and all two games.

Oh, okay. There was some science in there. I got really caught up in that conversation because I have no idea what this thing is. I don't think I've ever seen it. It's elementary school. It's just in certain schools. Or they show it to kids that'll remember it

when they're stoned 40 years later. Gary? I hate Boiler Room. I hate it. I hate Boiler Room I hate it I hate it because they take the scene Ben Affleck is in

they just they just rewrite from Glenn Gary Glenn Ross he says everything about coffee is for closers no you're right

so I hate it okay also I'll be at the Bowery Ballroom December 13th I know why are the plugs coming out early? Paulo, do you hate a

you said you hate a bunch of them what's the worst one? Daredevil I really did hate I remember because I think it was it was one of those things I really wanted to be good and I was like, oh they're making a movie of that that's a cool idea and then it just ended up being really funny and awkward and weird and it's a good thing that they're married now at least one good thing

came of that because they seem happy-ish at times um but uh yeah i hated i hated does anybody remember the made for tv uh daredevil that I thought was really good, but maybe just because I was a little kid? It was pretty good, right? We got one. Two people. Trial of the Incredible Hulk. Trial of the Incredible Hulk? Who represented the Hulk?

Daredevil's in that? Oh, really? Oh, my God. That's specific. Was McGee one of the witnesses? You would think that McGee would want to cover other stories besides the Hulk because there are not a lot of leads. But that's a pretty amazing story, though.

It changes all the time. Well, wait. Why weren't there more reporters interested in covering the Hulk story? Because that one reporter couldn't convince anybody. Come on, this is right up you nerds' alley. Come on, you nerds. Where are we at? Did Paulo say one that he hates?

Yes. Joe? Do you want to say it in unison? We'll say both of ours together. Sure. Let's just say it at the same time, see if we sync up. One, two, three. Ready?

Yeah. One, two, three. Changing lanes. Pearl Harbor. Oh, shit. Yes. But now that you mention it, I wish Pearl Harbor happened to Changing Lanes. I wish Changing Lanes had gotten bombed.

Yeah, I'm not a big Pearl Harbor fan, but Changing Lanes, really? It just didn't do it for me. Okay. Didn't do it for me either. Yeah. I could see how you would not like that. If you had a problem with McGee and the Hulk

and why, I could see that the logic of changing lanes probably would have driven you a little... Joe, I gotta say, you really have been a great participant.

Oh, he's unbelievable. Can we give him some... Thank unbelievable. Can we give him some... Thank you. Can we give him some of his money back? That guy hasn't answered one fucking question in my book. You get a rebate for being a good guest. Some of those other auction winners, they sit there like a piece of shit. And I'm just glad that they saved the lives of some children

or heated somebody's butt on a sidewalk. But yeah, you've done a terrific job. Thank you for participating. But we have one more round. We have to start with Mark. Do you have a line from a movie that you hate yourself for liking?

Who here has their Series 7? Get the fuck out. Boiler Room. It is fucking Boiler Room. Yeah. Get the fuck out. Boiler room. It is fucking boiler room. Yeah. Get the fuck out. The fuck out. Why would that be a disqualifier? He didn't want no fancy fucking people in there.

Does Ben Affleck say that line? Yeah. So he's sort of like the Alec Baldwin character in it? Yeah. Yeah. He comes in and fucking levels it. And then the rest of the movie, that sickly kid from The Wonder Years. Who was that?

He was also in Ted. He was in Ted with me all the time. He looks like he just had the flu. Giovanni Ribisi. Yeah, Giovanni Ribisi. First you said he was... He was Kevin Arnold's friend in the war years. You said he was deaf in The Other Sister,

and now you're saying... Every time on the TED, every day on TED, I'd walk up and I'd be like, you need some water or something, bro? You good? Did your cat die? Talk about it.

What's wrong with you? All right, Amy. Where's your hate for uh ben i can't think of one but um you could pass it's something you hate yourself for loving right but can i just ask you like are you never even like it's not even a guilty pleasure with that movie like you're so mad that it's so much like glenn garry you don't like it i don't maybe i allow myself guilty pleasures. Ew, that's so boring. He eats really healthy. You didn't have one cookie in the green. You didn't have one Melissa cupcakes thing. I know. Brass balls, gentlemen.

Brass balls. First place is set of steak knives. Glengarry Glen Ross. If I had the leads... R.I.P. Jack Lemmon, you fucking genius. Where are we? Gramercy Theater. Nikki? Did I skip Amy?

No, I didn't. She passed, I think. She passed. Pass. Okay. I wanted to say sliding doors, but he's not in that. I felt like he was. I was sure of it. I didn't hate it until I got here,

but now I hate that I like bounce. So now I do. That's a new thing on my list. All right. Where was bounce earlier, like or love? Love. Oh. And I do hate that I love it.

What's your new love? We've got to replace it. What's your new love? Oh, um, ew. Can I suggest some? Yeah, please. Okay. Can't think of any.

Can anyone think of anyone's new ones? Of course, everybody can think Can't think of any. Can anyone think of any new ones? Of course, everybody can think of a bunch. Argo, yes, Argo, love. Which one? Argo, love. Argo, of course. No one mentioned Argo. You can only say one love.

Do it. Argo? One love. Sing it? No, I'm just saying you can only say one love. Argo's fucking great, but is he confused? Come on. That was great.

I love the Coen brothers. That should be like a review on the poster for your movie. Gary? I hate that you like it. I hate that I like it. I know you don't have guilty pleasures, but school ties. Who is he? Why do you hate that you like it? Because it's kind of cheesy

but it's got a good message? It's just I sort of lived it. So that's no fun. I was a Jew playing football at a Catholic university, and there was guys that were some anti-Semitism. Gary Goldman? Gary Goldman? I'm going to offer something I don't offer. If you want to right now, I will go with you,

find those dudes, and beat the fucking shit out of them. Incredible. I swear to God, I will take my rosary off and stab them with it. And bring that doll, because it will make the whole experience even weirder. That a guy that's beating them up is carrying an Audrey Hepburn doll.

What the fuck is this? What is that, an Anne Hathaway doll? Paulo, do you have one that you hate? You have a bunch. I mean, you like that you hate. You hate that you like it. Goodness. I remember another bad one.

The sum of all fears was not a great one. I just wanted to throw that one out there for good measure. But the one that I truly hate, that I can't help but fucking love it and I watch it repeatedly, is Armageddon. I mean, I feel like a slut

and I feel like a dirty whore as and after I'm watching it. I've watched it, but I remember when it first came out, I remember there was an Armageddon, you know those big cardboard cutouts of what the movie's going to be at the movie theater? There was Armageddon on one side and

Deep Impact on the other. Like, same week. And I went to see Armageddon, and I was like, hiding the fact that I was emotionally affected by it. But then I saw Deep Impact, and that was the one that really touched me. But at the end of the day, Armageddon was really the one that...

I knew that story about our sets of music. It was really... No, it added to it. I do cry while watching it sometimes, and that's why I hate myself for loving Armageddon. Thank you very much. Tell my daughter I love her. Tell my daughter I love her. It's Armageddon. Thank you very much. Tell my daughter I love her. Tell my daughter I love her. It's Armageddon.

What's that from? I think Armageddon. You know that's Aerosmith's only number one song ever? Yes. Yeah, isn't that gross? What are you saying? Can I just... Marky Mark, can I call you that? Oof.

Wow. Wow. It just came out, but... You know, usually I give Doug one. Today I'm going to give it to you. You get one. You get one. Okay, so I'll leave it at Mark now.

Have you ever worked with Ben Affleck? No, we don't need to. Why not? I told him. I told him back in 1998. I go, here's the deal. You do all the movies I don't want to do. We'll take this town over.

And whatever movie neither one of us understand, we'll let Matt Damon do it. Alright, Joe. I apologize for having to follow that. No worries. What's one that you have those feelings about? The love-hate feelings? I was going to say school ties, but that was taken. Then I was going to say School Ties, but that was taken. Then I was going to say

Armageddon, but that was taken for the same reasons. You can't help yourself, but you watch it. So I would have to say then, because it's really not that good a movie, but I've watched it a million times because he is a fashionable male, Mallrats. Mallrats, that's a

fun one to like. My one that I hate that I like is a film called Smoking Aces. Smoking Aces. It's a very strange movie, but my favorite part is when something happens to Ben Affleck's face. And if you've seen it, you might know what I'm talking about. It's a very funny sequence, so I'll watch the movie at least to see that again. And let's go do it. That was it. That was Love Like Hate Hate Like. I think the main takeaway from this is that all of us like Ben Affleck,

except for Paula would rather never have anything to do with him. No, not true. Wait, how did I do that to you? Not true. I'm in the industry, man. Come on. Let's do some plugs, starting with Joe Crotty. What kind of gigs you got coming up?

Which numbers are going to be hot this fall? Are the winter numbers in yet? I wouldn't even know what to say to that. You don't have to say to that. You don't have to say anything. But just, can you get a plug in for where you do your accounting? Or you'd rather not mention it? Same with my Twitter.

We'll keep it on there. You want to mention your twins' names? Are they named after the girls in The Shining? No, I will. It's Connor and Kira. Oh, that's adorable. Nice work. And they have a brother and a sister. I also have Joey and Maeve, so there's four at home.

Oh, all right. Well, they're going to be so proud of you when they never listen to this. And thank you very much for donating all that money and for being a great guest. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Joey, you were great. Really great. Paula, what do you got coming up for us to look for? I'm on a show called Royal Pains,

which may be, thank you, which may be coming, we're not sure if it's going to come back yet. We're kind of in that limbo period, but it's looking good. And I'm recurrent, I'm so not used to plugging myself.

I don't think I've ever done this before. Well, let me just help you out. USA, they know drama. That's TNT. That's TNT. That's TNT. TNT. You probably know that, but... Characters welcome.

Boom. It's characters welcome, which is probably the worst one of all because that strangely implies that maybe at one point they weren't. We finally just unlocked the door and just let those fucking characters in. Yeah, so yeah, that... Wipe your feet on your way in, characters.

It's really bad. It makes no sense. But I'm also recurring on a new HBO drama. It's a crime drama. Steve Zalian is directing. Oh, I thought you were going to say you're one of the missing on the leftovers. Yeah, exactly. Steve Zalian, really?

Yeah, he wrote it. I just typed his name into the internet today as an example. No reason to get into the story of a writer. Of a writer. Screenwriter. He's quite a good writer and he's a generous and cool guy. I'll be recurring on that. It's actually simply called Crime. So look for that next year.

I love that the titles are getting more simple. And on November 11th on Netflix, this could actually be a category in your show. I'm in a movie called That Burning Feeling, and it's a romantic comedy about a man who gets gonorrhea. Not a joke. Well, it is a joke, but I'm not joking. I play that man, and Tyler Labine and John Cho co-star with me, or they're supporting.

They're both very, very funny. Oh, I love one of those guys. I'm not going to ask. Yeah, so that's it. Check that out. Thank you. Awesome. Thank you, Paulo.

Excellent first-time guest, as was Mr. Gary Goleman. What do you got coming up, dude? Oh, thanks. I have a special on Netflix called In This Economy. You always have to sell that. Yeah, I know. You never just say it's called In This Economy. I know.

And then I'm at Bowery Ballroom for two shows December 13th. You're going on the road a little bit too, though? Where are your road dates? Where can they see them? GaryGolman.com 1L GaryGolman.com Thanks for being here If you put a pin in that doll

Does Audrey Hepburn go ouch in her grave? I'd like to try. Jackie made this. Who made it? Jackie? Yeah. It's so beautiful. Do you make them of other people?

Yeah. I made one of... She made one of who? Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee? But Jackie, you also put the long cigarette in there. That's the attention to detail Jackie's known for. Can you imagine getting jerked off by Audrey Hepburn

She's got long gloves on and a cigarette in one hand It would be the sexiest thing that ever happened Nikki Glaser where can we see you do your stuff When does this come out Now Just don't say about any gigs that are happening now Nikki Glaser, where can we see you do your stuff? When does this come out? Now. Okay. Just don't say about any gigs that are happening now. Is it October?

Yeah. October, it's this week, right? Fuck, sorry, guys. I thought I was going to be ready. October 9th, I'm going to be, that's not right. This weekend, the 10th and 11th, I'm going to be at Magoobies. Magoobies. Go check her out at Magoobies.

It's real. It's a real place. Bohemia, New York. And then next week, I'm in Buffalo, New York. And then DC the weekend after that. Go to NikkiGlazer.com. Yeah. NikkiGlazer with an S.

Amy Schumer motion picture motion picture train wreck coming out July 24th check it out my show the first two seasons of Inside Amy Schumer is available on Amazon Prime and I'm going to be at Carnegie Hall on November 7th where's that Buffalo Amazon Prime. Yeah. And I'm going to be at

Carnegie Hall on November 7th. Where's that? Buffalo. Where's that? You're going to love it. I had a great time when I played there. And October 22nd, Gary Goldman will be at Largo in LA. Thanks.

Thanks for subletting one of your plugs. Wait, what's the date? Oh, amyshuber.com, everybody. Yeah. What's the date at Largo? October 22nd. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, I'm doing Conan October 21st to promote it.

Oh. What? Oh. Wow. Okay. As a side note. It's a big week for me. Yeah.

That'll be fun. Well, holler at me while you're out there. We'll get high after you're done performing. I would love that. I gotta say, this is the first panel in a long time, including Mark Wahlberg. None of them smoked weed with me before the show. This is a fucking straight-ass group.

I thought Joe did. I thought I escaped. I thought I escaped. I thought I was going to get out clean. That does not add up. I can't smoke weed before I do lines. That's my thing. You got any movies in the can there, Mark? I do.

Transformers 5, Markimus Prime. Will be coming out. And then also, this Friday at UCB in LA at 11 o'clock, we're going to be doing the Wahlberg Solution where I'm going to be fixing this fucking world

and it's also going to be podcasting on Earwolf. So if you're out there, come check it out. And if you're not, fucking listen to it, kids. Jackie, there's no shithead on here.

There is in the back. Oh, you got to lift your skirt up? Yeah, I looked on the back of the orange tag. Oh, it's really small writing. I looked at it and everything. Oh, okay. All right. I'll hang on to that for a second.

You want that back, right? Okay. And is there a shithead on the back of yours, Nikki? Yeah. Okay. Give me that. And is there a shithead on the back of yours, Nikki? Yeah. Okay, give me that. And is there one on the Ghostbusters? Just give me the post-it and give the sign back to that nice person. Let's hear it for all of my guests, you guys.

Joe Crotty. Paolo Costanzo. Gary Goldman. Nikki Glaser. Amy Schumer. Marky Mark I saved my one for right there at the end and we got some

shitheads as always I'm going to try to figure out which one is going to get the biggest response and end with that one. So I'm going to start with Gary Bettman. Gary Bettman? Is a shithead. Okay. My boss is a shithead every day not gonna say who said that

even though you seem a little delicate for that kind of language they don't talk that way at breakfast at Tiffany's I'm gonna say these two in rapid succession They don't talk that way at breakfast at Tiffany's. I'm going to say these two in rapid succession because I think they'll both get a big round of applause and we might as well lump them together. And as always, and thank you Gramercy Theater and thank you guys for coming

and I'll see you on December 1st. Get your tickets now outside. And as always, Time Warner Cable and the NYPD are shitheads. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you cause Doug loves movies.