Doug Loves Movies - Andree Vermuelen, Patton Oswalt, Bert Kreischer and Geoff Tate guest

Episode Date: January 4, 2016

Live from the NerdMelt Showroom in Los Angeles, Doug welcomes Andree Vermuelen, Patton Oswalt, Bert Kreischer and Geoff Tate to the show. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, hey, hey! Today's episode is brought to you by Colony. From Carlton Cuse, executive producer of Lost, comes USA Network's new original series, Colony, starring Josh Holloway of Lost and Sarah Wayne

Cowleys of Walking Dead. Imagine an occupied world where everyone must choose a side. If your city was no longer your own, who would you trust with your life? Where would you run, and what would you risk to save the ones you love? Colony, a new original series, Thursday, January 14th at 10, 9 Central, only on USA Network. Enjoy the show! Hey, hey, hey everybody

My name is Doug and I love movies This is Doug Loves Movies Coming to you from Meltdown Comics In Hollywood on Saturday Saturday comics in Hollywood on Saturday. Saturday. January 2nd, 2016 at 420-ish. Woo!

Let me see your name tags, LA. Four of you will be chosen today because as you can see on the stage we have four chairs and four microphones and I am adrift over here next to the stage because of the tininess of the meltdown stage. But I have four great guests so I didn't want to not book somebody just because of that. Inception Noah? Oh, Exception Nick. Because your name's Nick.

Why do you have a rat hat on? Rat chef hat. Renee Toohey. Good one, Renee. Teresa's got a box of candies that you put a post-it and wrote Teresa on it. Great job, Teresa. And next to you, Fear and Lawrence in Las Vegas.

Yeah. Somehow a scarier title. No Country for Old Tim. Good job. Dan Sits with Wolves. Best one of the year, my man, Dan. Yeah, but great job, everybody. There's a blinking one over there.

I'm too exhausted to get into it. I'm hot off the holiday tank tour. The Sacramento episode should come out today, and then the San Francisco episode should come out tomorrow, and then this episode should come out on Monday. Something like that. Something like that's going to happen. Lots of episodes for everybody going back to work.

Doug's Plugs, Doug Loves Movies, is back here at Meltdown Comics this Tuesday, January 5th at 7 p.m. I've already booked three awesome guests. So, yeah, and if I get a fourth, I just might have to stand over here again. If you're a member of CineFamily here in Los Angeles, please come to the Benson Award Show Interruption slash Potluck on Sunday, January 10th at 3 o'clock. You know what show's on that day.

I don't think I'm allowed to say what we're interrupting. It's not the Oscars, I'll say that much. Cinefamily.org to find out more about that. And I just taped a new Dining with Doug and Karen upstairs in the Louis De Palma suite and that'll be available on iTunes and at nerdist.com now

ish it's time for tweet relief tweets about movies H.R. Morose tweeted the Martian should have been called cast further away this has been tweet relief did not run out of time for Matt Damon edition let's look in the prize bag

somebody in this audience gave to someone here at the theater this to give to me to put in the bag. It is a souvenir, giant plastic, what do you want, like goblet? From the Riviera Hotel, which no longer exists. So this is quite an item, and I wouldn't put my lips on it. And I haven't, just so so you know whoever wins this today we got a douglas movies t-shirt extra-large I think we've also got a shirt from my one of my favorite film festivals to attend every year the fantastic fest in Austin, Texas. He always makes really fun shirts. That's a pretty cool one.

And what else do I have in here? Oh, somebody gave me a Slappy bracelet thingy. This one's for Legoland. Somebody just came up to me and said, put this in the prize bag. Well, this is kind of a fun thing to have if you're switching theaters and you don't have the 3D glasses

that are so crucial. This is just a pair of 3D glasses. You can just have them in your pocket. Switch it up, you know. Jump in there and watch. There's a Sharpie. The prize bag is going to get better again starting on Tuesday.

I'm living out of a suitcase right now. And then here's a sticker for CartoonViolenceMusic.com. Whatever that is. I just gave that a free plug. Let's get my guests out here, you guys. Please give a big, warm welcome to Andre Vermeulen, Jeff Tate, Bert Kreischer, and Patton Oswalt. Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! I don't know why I brought my jacket out. I did a whole... You brought your jacket? And then I took it off. It's on your chair. Oh, it's really warm in here, I guess. It's really warm, yeah. It is called the Nerd Melt showroom for a reason.

Because we nerds gather in here and then sweat like motherfuckers. Let's go meet the first time guest first please give a big warm welcome everybody to Andre Vermeulen Vermeulen just sounds like a Star Trek character name right out of the gate so you must be nerds must be really comfortable

around you yeah it's a great name it's given me no trouble in life. I haven't had to come up with cooler things like Dre just to get by. Or it sounds like the pen name of three guys who write some massive fantasy series, and they trade off every other chapter, and they're like, you've got to turn in a new book every month.

And it's like, fine, just use the name Andre Vermeulen. I'm not going to. There is a Belgian official who is ruining my Google search. His name is Andre Vermeulen. He really just gets stuff done politically. So much stuff. So much more than I've accomplished. I got a Muppet

doing the same thing to me. Hey, Burt. I'll never beat that motherfucker in my whole life. That and Burt Williams. Like, I'm not even the most famous Burt comedian. Do you think Q-Bert is a Muppet? No. No, someone whose parents didn't care enough

to put them in front of a TV as a child because they were doing Pentecostal preaching. No, maybe that was really inside. Sorry. That got very specific. It was really darted. It just looks like these middle guests are caught in the lumberjack fight.

These middle guests are caught in the lumberjack fight. Let me put this jacket back on so I fit in. Yeah, there you go. You fit in with that on. I have a real beard by the end of this. You look like a lumberjack's accountant. You look like you might own the logging place we work at. I'm Patton. I'm here to count the logs.

Sorry. I used to do it, but I hurt my back topping trees up in Coos Bay, so I bought the company and I subcontract now. It's pretty good. What the fuck? Coos Bay. Do you know how much A&E you have to watch to be able to riff that off?

I'm topping trees up in Coos Bay. My favorite part about Bert is that when he's on stage doing stand-up he riffs like crazy but when someone riffs around him it's like magic to him he has no clue what just happened how did you do that i don't know bert same way you did yeah but my riffs are all about my dick so are mine all about my dick. So are mine.

You don't know what Coos Bay is, do you? Or Toppin' Trees. Doug, I'm trying so hard to like level my... What? You're trying to... What? To lower the amount I talk so that more people laugh. What? I'm biting my tongue like fucking crazy.

I was saying to myself just a couple minutes ago, Bert is being so good today. And now you finally showed up. Just relax, Bert. Is the laugh happiness or terror? Where is that coming from? I don't think he knows,

but I would hate to be trapped in something with Bert. That would be a real emotional rollercoaster. Can you imagine like three hours on a ski lift with Bert? Oh, you don't want that. No, no way. The Chrysler sanction. I don't think anybody would make it past two hours. You'd just jump off the ski lift.

I think if you made it to two hours, it would just all be the same. You'd just die slowly inside and nothing matters. Right? Yeah, no, that's absolutely right. I have severe panic. So if you're stuck on a ski lift with me, I'd fucking make you out of your fucking mind. Yeah.

Wow, things got really heavy. I don't know why, but I will seriously crush your spirit if you get trapped anywhere with me. I want to pitch Die Hard inside of a repressed memory. Like that. He didn't realize that he has John McClane in his memories and that it's loose in his subconscious,

killing off all of his fears, and he has to... Sorry. Hans, boobie. Let's say hello, everybody, to... It's been a while since he's been here. Patton Oswalt is back. Too busy making movies to be on his buddy's movie podcast. I know, it's really sad. But thank you for...

Sunrise, sunset. I thought, what the hell? I hit him up on January 1st weekend. He probably stayed home with the family last night. Didn't tear it up for New Year's.

I was asleep at 9.30. It was so boring. New Year's Eve, I was asleep at 9.30. On New Year's? It was so boring. New Year's Eve, I was asleep at 9.30. Last night, I stayed up and watched a double feature. What did you watch? Let me guess. Mannequin and...

Mannequin 2. Close. I watched Carol and Tangerine. Now, that's interesting. Two movies Burt Kreischer would probably think he'd have to read. That's like, Carol and Tangerine are like two movies that if you showed

that movie to the other movie, it would flip out. Yeah, yeah. I wish I got this. That's exactly what would happen. I would have watched Carol and the Danish Girl because truth, I thought they were the same movie. I went to go see Carol thinking it was the Danish Girl.

Wow. And I was disappointed. Wow, Carol. They have the same movie poster. Oh, really? Just different faces, which I guess matters. Yeah, those are kind of keys to unlocking the mystery that is what the movie will be. Yeah.

Like who's in it? But also, wouldn't it also have a different title? Sure, I guess. Well, the Danish girl's name could be Carol. Yes. For all we know. Yeah. If we haven't seen either of them. Carol Freed.

These are the screeners I skipped past to go get Creed. I wish... Yeah, I wish that Carol and the Danish girl was just one. If there was a mashup that was... I could watch them both in the amount of time it would take to watch one or the other. Because they're both somewhat affecting and well acted, but super slow. It's like watching mannequins after hours. Mannequin and mannequin two?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm the only one that appreciated that callback. Like Carol, everybody's so repressed in Carol that the hottest the sexual action between the two ladies gets is when one says to the other nice hat I like the hat and then she points like a long finger like and I'd like to drive this into your body can we change subjects I didn't watch any of these movies. That's Bert Kreischer, everybody.

It's also been too long. It's been too long since you've been on the show. It's always nice to have you around. I love doing it. Let's meet Jeff Tate. around. I love doing it. Let's meet Jeff Tate. Jeff Tate is here. Hello, everybody.

Three shows in a row for Jeff. Nobody's heard the first two yet because they're just coming down the assembly line. But it might be a first in the history of the show. Somebody's been on three episodes in a row. Might be. Patrick. Patrick. Yeah, like Carol.

That's a sports term. Oh, I thought you said Patrick. I was like, oh, you're changing his name now? Patrick. You've been on here three times. I'm not going to change your name. We spent too long talking about things Bert hasn't heard of

that when something came up that he did, he would just change it to something else. He's just going to hear the words he needs to hear. I would know hat trick and then my brain went, no, you couldn't possibly know this one. You know what a hat trick is, right? That's when one lesbian in the 40s tells another one she likes her hat. The old hat trick. Oh, Carol.

That movie was... Yeah, you thought it was about singing, that movie. It's about whistling in a canyon. That's what that movie's about. Oh, I just heard of the term tripping. Have you ever heard of what tripping is? No, and I'd like you to stop. Google it and you'll love it.

We'll love it? You'll love it. Really? Google tripping and you'll love it. We'll love it? You'll love it. Really? Google tripping. You'll love it. What are you singing? I don't think I like this character that you're doing. Are you trying to sing the McDonald's song?

He's doing the knockoff version so he doesn't get charged for it. You'll love it. I fucking didn't wear a shirt under this sweatshirt and I'm sweating. Fuck. Go ahead. That's because you got your clothes from the movie Creed II.

This is my favorite show to do in the world because I do this show, I got to make Dana Gould laugh one time, and I just made Patton laugh, and thank you. I was being polite. I don't care. Doesn't matter how you get it as long as you get it. Nothing?

I'll listen back. Look at him standing like Jack Benny. Look at the Jack Benny pose on the stoner over there. Fantastic. I'm just trying to move this along because Bert has to get back to operating the ski lift on Monday. And I don't know why he needs to get back on Monday. They gave him the weekend off.

How are the crab pots doing? You get a good haul today? Not so bad. All right. There you go. I'm not good at accents. It must have broke your heart to lose George Clooney in that storm. I can't believe you survived.

The storm was perfect except for you. By the way. Bert's got to get back on an oyster cracker box later. Oh, boy. So you're going to meet up with the other two wet bandits in a little while? We'll be back with more of What Does Bert Look Like? He looks like, Bert looks like

if a 25-year-old went up to that machine in Big and wished to be Big. Dre, you're up. Seriously, let's actually start the podcast

because Bert's got to go set up stage for Bob Seger later. Walking on a night moose. The really, really good thing is I couldn't find an example of this to tell my therapist this week.

And I could just cut and paste it and send it to him. He goes, so wait, I don't get it. Why do you laugh? I go, because it's funny. But then I sit back. I go, do they really like me? I fucking thought I looked cool. I chose this. As I walked out. I chose this.

As I walked out, I went, yeah. Well, Andre has known you for the shortest amount of time. What do you think of Bert so far? What he looks like? Oh, no, just... No. I think we've firmly established... We've established what he looks like, ma'am. What we're trying to get to.

He looks like a guy the Law & Order cops have to talk to before the second commercial. Will you pass me that bottle of wine in there? Oh, my fuck. He needs the whole bottle. I don't know if I'll ever be able to put this fucking outfit on together the same way. Thank you. I think he looks more like if Steve Zissou

went into a depression. I wanted that to bomb so bad. I saw the terrorist walking down the aisle taking his shoe off and I was like, please don't ignite. Please don't ignite. Wow. I saw Star Wars.

All right. It's official, you guys. It's spoilers are okay from now on. I mean, hopefully we'll go sort of gentle. Like my first spoiler that I'd like to share is that Maz Katana has butthole eyes. Sorry, but I just had to get the truth out there. All right, let's not do this, because I'm going to have to pull up Google

and remember all their names. Which one's Maz Katana? The one with butthole eyes. She's got, like, goggles on that hide her butthole eyes. And then she takes the goggles off. It's like, whoa, butthole eyes. Put those fucking goggles back on. Look like two Sarlacc pits on your face.

Maz Katana. Jeff Tate, do you have a favorite spoiler? Like, just spoil something. No. Just do it. I don't want to. Then make one up. I want to talk about the movie, but I don't want to spoil it.

Well, what do you want to say about it? I want to hear... Hold on. Let me figure out how to say this. You're not getting paid by the minute. No, I want Patton to do Han Solo spoilers if Nick Nolte was Han Solo in this movie. Wow, what a specific challenge.

I really hope you can do this. No, when I was... Patton's one of my favorite comics, and he's got that bit from before when Nick Nolte tried out for Han Solo and he was doing the impression of him. Oh, hell, Chewbacca, just fix the damn Falcon. And it's so great, and now I just...

Like, what if Nick Nolte was in this new one? Let's go. I learned how to talk to people from the Byron Allen show Yeah Total setup I hear you have some interesting things to say about parking tickets Go

Trey you're doing Catherine Hepburn as Rey next Alright go It's like Comics Unleashed is planned down to this, you know, every moment is complete,

like, the comics could not be more leashed on Comics Unleashed. Like, you just have to wait for him to turn to you and set up your bit

that's already been prepared. All right. The show should be called Comics Hobbled Like James Caan in Misery because that is,

we can't do anything on that show. Alright, I'm going to jump in. I'm going to throw my hat in the ring if you guys don't mind. The hat you're wearing? Yeah, but then the bat you captured is going to get loose. Sorry. Oh, Jesus. Why would I pick my clothing?

Oh, happy new year, Bird Cry Show. Let's go back. A whole nother year of this. Can you take it? I've just never been like with a fucking Yeah just go I liked my tape from Comics Unleashed I really liked it I didn't like being on the show

But when you saw it on the internet It looked like we had all been talking about whatever I brought up So I actually liked it It was my most downloaded video for like five years talking about whatever I brought up. So I actually liked it. It was my most downloaded video for like five years. You talk like Sally Field giving an acceptance speech, by the way. Just want to let you know that.

You literally, you look like you've just won an Academy Award and you can't believe it. Andre do you have a Star Wars spoiler for Bert yeah I bet they're seeing even though he's seen it I bet you could spoil it for him yeah I don't like that there's a map to Luke Skywalker. I feel like that's like when you're a kid and you run away,

but you make sure everyone knows where you are. I don't understand. Yeah, it's like, why does he want the Goonies finding him? He needs to be serious about this. But it's like, does he want to be found or doesn't he want to be found even do we know that really i don't know when he turns around from that clip have you all seen a little mermaid a bunch have you all watched a little mermaid 700 times you know when um when she's her getting her, and she, like, comes, and she...

What? Bursts out of the water. Yeah, it's a really... It also happens in Beauty and the Beast when the Beast turns into a man. Disney likes to do this thing where the character's all, like, tussled up, and then they burst, and light comes out of their eyes.

I feel like he did that, and I didn't enjoy it. When he turns around it's a really he gives quite a majestic turnaround like he's about to sing the hills are alive looks like the beginning of like every early 80s metal video like he's gonna start singing like deep purple's perfect yeah yeah or something it's start singing like Deep Purple's Perfect Strangers or something. It's amazing. Run to the Hills.

Yeah. Yes. Oh, shit. That would be a great opening to that. Damn, someone should do that. So let's get real spoiler-y. Is Ray his daughter? I don't know. Well, if you don't even know the answer, that's not much of a spoiler.

No, I'm asking someone like you two guys that know that movie. I'm not even thinking of it. I don't even care about thinking ahead at this point. I'm like so happy with what they did do and that there's going to be more of it. Well, okay, this isn't really a spoiler, but this didn't really make a lot of sense

to me, which is when Han starts using Chewie's crossbow rifle, but he's acting like, whoa, this thing's amazing. Let me try that again. You've been friends for three decades? You never were like, hey, let me just shoot that a couple times. He's just now noticing that his giant dog friend

has this awesome crossbow rifle that shoots holes through things. some crossbow rifle that like shoots holes through things and he thought it was a tiny gun just in in scale with Chewbacca

and then he got it yeah he's like what the does he have no depth perception or you know holy shit you're tall

yeah should have said that it's a little weird when did you get so tall Chewbacca are you tawny did you say tawny it's a coat

of he's a tawny wookie like if you were gonna get a wookie you'd google tawny wookie and then you'd find tawny wookies for sale

you wouldn't want a brindle wookie that would look weird I feel like I feel like your parents bred ponies growing up you'd find tawny Wookiees for sale. You wouldn't want a brindle Wookiee that would look weird. I feel like your parents bred ponies growing up. No, no, no. I'm obsessed with fucking dogs. You're obsessed with fucking dogs? I'm out, dog.

It was good seeing you guys. I can't help myself right now. You have a hard time Folks, that's why adjective or verb Very important Know your adjectives or verbs I'm obsessed with fucking dogs I can't think of anything

To say to my therapist And that was the I feel like we're here at the origin of your own podcast This was the spinoff pilot right here. His whole career changed when he was open about dog fucking. Just come clean. Just tell us how many

dogs. Show us on the dog. Oh, also, okay, I said that you just said you don't care about what's to come. You thought that the movie was, although one thing that would be really cool, and I accidentally put this on my Facebook when I thought I was sending it to a friend as a message because we were arguing about the movie back and forth, and I quickly took it down and apologized. But since you said we're outside of spoiler things.

I think we are. Well, I would love if in the sequel... Am I spoiling this for anybody? No. We've all seen it. Thanks for asking. In the... I just, I want to make sure. I'm, you know...

But it'd be really cool if in the sequel, Chewie is now driven, like, is going after Kylo. And Chewie, being the engineer that he is, builds a fucking Braveheart sized double handed huge blazing lightsaber to go after him with like one of those fucking Scottish Claymore

lightsaber that just like makes and he's just cutting through fucking forest to get them that would be fucking amazing wait wait wait hold on Kylo's Hans' kid? Yeah. Yeah.

He's alive? Yeah. Yeah. He's still alive. The planet blew the fuck up. No, they went and got him. Wait, when did they fucking get him? Who's the fucking fool?

Let's hold on and point out that we did just spoil the movie. Yeah, it's true. It did happen. You, it's true. It did happen. You spoiled it for me. I saw it and I got spoiled for it. That's what I just said. Here's a whole other podcast. Spoil a movie for a guy who's seen it.

That would be with Bert Kreischer. I'm being dead serious. When did Bruce Willis die? No, he puts a coat on. Show me a ghost that puts a coat on. Are you talking about that movie Ghost Coat? Ghost Coat's one of my favorite Bruce Willis movies.

Here's what I don't understand about Star Wars. Space Ghost, coat to coat. With Rey and... Well, you call it ghost coat, but the hipsters call it goat. No, I know. I'm not a hipster. Oh, wait. I didn't realize there was also a sad mic drop. There's triumphant mic drop and sad mic drop. I invented the sad mic drop. There's triumphant mic drop and sad mic drop.

I invented the sad mic drop. Wow, I like that. I didn't get anything for Christmas this year. So you bend it halfway down and then drop it? Yeah, it's not a triumphant mic drop. And that's all. Let it fall.

No, it's just gotta be good. I do comedy because my dad is dead. I pick these clothes myself. My best friend's a bird crusher. I'm gonna drink a whole bottle of wine by myself. These are 38s. How come in these Star Wars movies that people that have the Force, they only know that they can do anything with it

the moment someone has told them about the Force? Like she never got... This is a real question so that girl Ray never got mad or anything and like knocked a bunch of stuff down from across the room I was like what happened there

if you lived in a universe where there was a thing called the force wouldn't everybody just be sitting around listen we live in a universe where there isn't the force, and we have all tried it. Yeah, we have. But if you're in a universe with the force, that's like getting a scratch off a lotto ticket.

You just never know when you're going to, your number's going to come up. But then the minute somebody's like, have you heard of the force? She's like, yeah, pow, pow, zap, zap, everything works. She was a super quick learner. Or could you prank someone and make them think they have the force, but when they're testing it out and you're like,

hey, give me that, yes, I will. And then you wait for them to try to force fly and they fall off a building. I feel like that's what Yoda did to Luke. Fuck them a little bit? Yeah. I just think they're taking the boring training part out of every franchise right now has,

you know, the insurgent divergent detergent has like, you know, the first whole movie is just training. Like, enough with the training. Let's go do, let's go on the mission. But she hadn't even met anybody that could use the force yet. But we think that maybe she was trained by Luke and then he dropped her on that planet and then maybe they had like a, what's that thing that erases your memory

that Will Smith has? The men of life? Yeah. The mind erasing thing? And they were like, dee! And then she didn't remember. What's that thing that erases your memory that Bill Cosby has?

Money. Yeah, millions of dollars. Lots and lots of dollars. Lawyers. Lawyers. Lawyers. That's what happened to her. I'm bringing the lawyers to the case. That's a theory.

The lawyers surrounds everything and it connects us and it makes people not see certain things. Nothing happened in the grotto. I'm not the sitcom star you're looking for. The only thing that the women he's attacked have left over is like a weird PTSD for patterns. Because I'm sure he left his sweater on. You know?

That's how you know you've been attacked. Yeah, that and black cock. You can't go into Bed Bath & Beyond. Oh. And the origin of Bert's second podcast. No Bill Cosby victims can go into anthropology and make it out alive. That was a joke

for the women in the audience. Why is that filled with black cock? Lots of patterns. That was a joke for the five women in the audience. That is a lot of dudes

in here. Looks like black sales hub huh, Patton? I thought you'd watch that or something. No, sorry. Nice try, Bert. Weird how there's a lot of dudes in the back of this comic book store. Weird.

Erasure. That's strange. Where they only talk about Star Wars there's just too many dudes it should be 50-50

where a bunch of nerds talk about Star Wars in the back of a comic book store have we talked about the prize bag yet no what'd you bring Jeff

I brought a pack of Star Wars Chrome Perspectives, Jedi versus Sith. It's a pack of cards. Did you say Chrome Perspectives? That's what it says. Is that the kind now where they don't have gum in there anymore? I don't know. I didn't open it.

I'm a grown up. You can't tell by touching it if it has gum in it or not? You can smell it. And I bought a Peter Venkman pop vinyl. Oh, that's adorable. Right? Because it's a big Star Wars week, so I just want to celebrate Star Wars with a card and a doll. Very nice.

You know, that's a Ghostbusters character, not Star Wars. What's Ghostbusters? It's this great new movie with women. Oh, that'll never work. That'll never work. No, I can't wait to see it. I'm so fucking excited to see that one. Force Awakens passes the Bechdel test

because she talks about things other than men. I just found out that the Bechdel test does not involve like a creamy cheese sauce. I just found out that the Bechdel test does not involve a creamy cheese sauce. I just found out that it's not pronounced Bechdel. Oh, maybe it is. I think it's Bechdel. That would be more your sauce. Yeah.

That would be more my sauce. Because I saw that musical that takes place at the Bechdel Funeral Home. Fun Home. Patton? Oh, I brought... Oh, I'm sorry. Andre, what did you bring? I brought a necklace

necklace, which is one I'm wearing, but I wear this in my show that you all haven't seen because it's not out yet. It's called Angie Tribeca. This necklace started because my name, as you all know, is really weird. And I wanted a nameplate necklace, but I can't have my name on it.

It's a disaster. The way it's spelled, no one accepts it. So I was like, the necklace should just say necklace. And it's the greatest joke I've ever come up with. And I wear this in the show that you'll all see eventually. So this I actually wear in the show. It's a necklace necklace. And I have

the matching one on so whoever gets this will be like BFFs. It's going to be the hoverboard of 2016. Get them now. The show is on TBS and their slogan of course is necklaces welcome. Steve Carell wrote the show. It's like Naked Gun or Airplane.

Did Steve Carell and Nancy Wall do the show? Yeah. Yeah. Husband and wife, yeah. Nancy's great. Rashida Jones is the lead. She's so cool. It's like Airplane?

It comes out the 17th. Yeah, it's like Airplane or Naked Gun. Oh, seriously? Mixed with True Detective, which I know that doesn't make sense. You can always trust an old fisherman with your shiny object.

You put him in the bag, give it to the old fisherman. He's an honest old salt. Fuck it. Hold me prizes Price's harbormaster. I'm bringing in a load of scrod. Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies. I wish I didn't enjoy it.

What'd you bring for the bag, Patton? I brought... Oh, this is my... Well, it's fine. This is a Christmas card that I got from Adult Swim. And it's the Adult Swim's Holiday Guide to American Spiders. And you can turn the wheel on each spider and it gives you fun facts. For instance, here, I'll do, I'll read one of these

for you here. The camel spider. Habitat, deserts. Favorite food, water. Danger. Can bite and spit. Fun fact, it's not actually a spider. And then

an adult swim coffee mug. It says, watching is better than living. And I agree. And I think that's the whole idea of this podcast. Patton is slowly clearing out his adult swim pantry.

Thank you, Patton. Put that stuff in there. And Bert, what'd you bring? Come back to me. Bert. I'm terrified of, okay. Bert. You're terrified of made up spiders?

I'm terrified of, oh, those aren't, okay. I bought a copy of my book, Life of the Party. Inside, I had real trading cards. I don't know where it went. Let me see. I have a trading card that Tops made for me being the party animal. Oh, wow. Yeah.

That's in there. I think I signed it. Yeah, right there. It's me and my baby dog. Aw. And then I got two shirts. One's the machine. One's Cogs of the Machine.

And then I have everyone else's presents as well. Yeah, you've got the necklace. You've still got the necklace, once colleagues of the machine. And then I have everyone else's presents as well. Yeah, you've got the necklace. You've still got the necklace, right? I still got the necklace. Yeah, put the necklace in here. And hopefully we'll go to one of the five girls in here. Or some dude's going to be wearing a choker that says necklace. Yeah.

Necklace, necklace. All of that is going to be someone's tonight, and it'll help us determine who that person is. You guys have to pick a name tag, because this is the part of the show where I say, let the games begin! Lady and gentlemen. Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

I got this, man. Pick your name tag, everybody. Go just grab the name tag you'd like to play for and bring it back to your seat. Go get it, Bert. I see the Kardashians. Oh, he brought his license plate. What's in the way back there?

Did you know Pat was going to be here? No. My choice has already been made. I'm going to see the people in the back because I feel like they got screwed. Alright. Go to the back if you have to. You're allowed to move around. Andre. Oh, Bert is very There you go. You're allowed to move around. Andre?

Oh, Bert is very excited about something. Fuck yes! Yeah, motherfucker! Wow, Bert is so fired up about this name tag. I love time travel. All right, well, hang on a second. These guys still have to pick. Do you guys want to pick somebody?

I'm going to do Rene Tui. Wow. Yeah, Rene. Fantastic. He made a hat. A chef hat with a rat on it. With a rat. Yeah, of course.

A hat with a rat. Oh, and Patton's even going to wear it. Oh, no country for old Tim. that's a pretty good one right do you want that one I do all right bring that up here dude oh I just saw thank you for being a friend I just want to acknowledge that those are just somebody else brought these mini donuts, Bert? No, I'm good. Put them right here in case I need to start throwing them at people. All right, Jeff, who are you playing for? I'm playing for Mike Cousin Vinny.

A fella named Mike. He made a My Cousin Vinny thing. And I believe this is my dad's favorite movie. Yeah, don't read the shithead on the back, Andre. Don't read it? Don't read it out loud. If you lose today, that's their consolation prize is I have to read that. Oh, okay. Yeah. So who are you

playing for? No Country for Old Tim. Yes. Good one, Tim. There are a lot of Tims in here. At least two. I saw another Tim right there. All right, so Patton's playing for Renee. Yes, Renee.

Yeah. And then Bert is also playing for Tim. Tim Dim-Dum-Ock. Dim-Ock. Dim-Ock. Yeah. Yup. And what describes the name tag?

Oh, it's about Tim, which is a fucking, any movie about time travel is a fantastic movie. But this is one of my all-time favorites because I feel like that guy, like a little clumsy and not figuring it out, still wants a hot chick,

gets like the mediocre chick, but he takes it. Dude, does your wife listen to podcasts? Nope. Doesn't know how to work her iPhone. I just want to apologize in advance. Okay. Because my brain doesn't work ever.

I don't care how many times I've seen something unless it's The Little Mermaid. You never know. That might come up. It could be. Could be all Little Mermaid questions. Part of your world. That might come up. It could be. Could be all Little Mermaid questions. It could be part of your world. Best time travel movie.

Let's go down the line. Deja Vu. That's just the last one I saw. Dre? Yeah, that one's not good. Back to the Future. It's the only one I can remember. By the way, it's a pretty legit time travel movie.

You just won, I think. I think that's probably the best one. No, no. Time Bandits. Time Bandits. Game's over, everybody. Doug, do you want to play your game? just one, I think. I think that's probably the best one. Time Bandits. Game's over, everybody. Doug, do you want to play your game?

Yeah, let's play my games. As long as we're here. Let's give some of my games a whirl. But, yeah, about Tim is who you're playing for. About Tim. Good luck, Tim. This is amazing. for about Tim all right good luck Tim this is amazing anybody could win Andre don't don't don't sell yourself short

hey will you real quick can I get a show of hands how many Tim's are in here one two there's two total it's just odd that we picked two Tim's right yeah it's craziness I can't believe such a thing happened. In this day and age, when we're trying to get rid of all the Tims. Well, there are not a lot of Tims. Donald Trump is rounding them up, didn't you know? Yeah, yeah, you two Tims should register before you leave.

There's a clipboard out front. We're going to need a name. We need you to go to Tim Camp. It's fun, though. You guys will like it. You'll like it. It's for people named Tim. Why did you not do Cat on a Hot Tim Roof?

You picked it because time travel's your favorite. I'm not talking about mine. No country for old Tim. I'm looking at that Tim. I had the wrong Tim. It's 50-50, Doug. Don't beat yourself up. There's only

two left. Got cold in here. Timber. Alright. The first game I want to play is a fairly new game. I've got to get in position. I've got to be able to see all you guys.

Jeff, if you could lean forward. There you go. That's good. You just need to be able to see all your mouths because this game is called Live, Die, Repeat. A.K.A. What's the other name for it? No.

Kiss, Kiss, Kiss Bang Bang. I'm going to say the name of a movie. First person that repeats it back wins. I thought I had no hope, and all of a sudden, like Rudy, everyone started dropping their jerseys on the coach's table. Finally a game that Bert could win. It's got to be the title of a movie. You can't just start repeating...

Every... Thang. Thang. Young... Young Guns, young guns We don't get out by guessing, right? We can't anticipate, right? You have to think Young

Doctors in love Patent in it, patent in it Do another one. Do another one. Do another one. All right. I wasn't ready for that one. Okay.

All right. Big. Carol. Big. Big. Big. Big. Big. Big. Big.

Big. Big trouble a little child. Big trouble a little child. Oh my god, that's like I just ran by a dog cage with a stick. So whoever frightens Doug gets the point. Is that how the game works? Listen, they cheated by anticipating. I only said Big Trouble. So I should win.

Right, because there was a film called Big Trouble. There sure was. There was a film called Big. I said it three times. Right, you'd think Tom Hanks would have appeared. Because you said it three times. Is that what happened in that movie? Like Bloody Mary. Like Bloody Mary? Yeah.

Or The Candyman? Yeah. Or Beetlejuice? There's a lot of repeaters. Or my dead dad. And so he's three times. What's his name? Have you ever tried it?

I don't even want to tell you his name. If you have a problem with my name. I don't have a problem. I hope his name is Vern. Vern Vermulin. His name is Michel Gaston Vermulin. No way. I'm like only half American, guys.

You don't just get this name for nothing. Does he eat six dozen eggs every morning? Is he totally covered with hair? Little town, it's a quiet village. I honestly thought they just turned on some music. I honestly thought they just turned on some music. It's like, that was fast on the music cue. No, he's just looking at his iPhone like normal.

Did no one plot like your dad, take cheap shots like your dad, plan to persecute harmless crackpots like your dad? I love that movie. I'm sorry, it's a great movie. I only know the part about the eggs. That's all I remember. She's like,

I need six eggs. That's too expensive. There must be more than three. Wow. I'm going to pull a sidebar. What movie are we talking about, everybody? How about Terminator? Cars. Cars.

Can we keep all these questions Disney so I have a chance? Looking ahead, no. But maybe. You never know. We'll see what happens. But Patton gets to start us off in this next game. And the game is called Whose Tagline Is It Anyway? Patton, yeah. I'm gonna say to Patton gets to start us off in this next game. And the game is called Whose Tagline Is It Anyway?

Patton, yeah. I'm going to say it to Patton, and then we'll go to Bert next. If Patton doesn't get it, you'll have a chance, Bert. This is just for you, Patton, to start us off. I'm going to say the tagline from a motion picture. And you just tell me what movie it is. It's that simple. The tagline is,

all the girls want him, all the boys want to be him. Good Will Hunting. Now, first of all, Bert, you're out of turn. Oh, I thought we were all going to say. And that was frighteningly close, how correct that answer was.

Just one of the guys. Oh, that's a good guess. Damn it. And a classic film. Was it Chandler's List? Shit. Wait, do I get a new movie, or do I have to do that one now? All the girls want him.

All the boys want him. All the boys want to be him. What's that from? Cocktail? Oh, that's not a bad guess. Jeff. National Lampoon's Van Wilder. I literally heard

National Pool Van Wilder. Is it the hat that makes you hear that way? I don't know. Everything's French. You're trying to be French, Rene. That's correct. It's Van Wilder. Matt. That's correct.

It's Van Wilder. Yeah. Pouring another glass of wine. The film based on Bert Kreischer's life. And he didn't recognize the tagline. You're such a dick. Do all the girls want to be with you? No, I had nothing to do with the movie. It was an option.

It's okay, just have your one minute. The part about every girl wanting to sleep with them was something the studio added to the first one. I still haven't seen the movie. I talked to the production company who made the movie and Ryan Reynolds' company. We were going to do a podcast where we watched it live on my podcast

I haven't seen it yet I still haven't seen it I don't know I only fucked six women let's do an interruption of it in real life or in the movie in real life I only have sex with six women

I have intimacy issues but the movie implies does he have a lot of sex in the movie no and I didn't want to see the movie because then I felt every time I got talked about the movie that I'd feel like I was lying because if I saw it it had nothing to movie? No, and I didn't want to see the movie because then I felt every time I talked about the movie that I'd feel like I was lying.

Because if I saw it and it had nothing to do with my life, then I didn't feel like I could then ever talk about it. But I never jacked off a dog, and I didn't know any Indian dudes. And that's all I know about the movie. Well, I mean, didn't they get the idea for the name from the fact that you drive around schools and stuff in your van and say hey kids you want to

go Wilder yes no but they kept they changed they kept all my friends names in the movie so all my friends names are still in the movie so the real people the other real people yeah weird I know I was odd in 1997 Rolling Stone magazine wrote an article about me calling me the number one party animal in the country. Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life. I moved to New York, started doing stand-up. Will Smith discovered me. The option fell apart.

You're Jim Morrison? Holy fuck! Hey, let me ask you real quick. Not to change the subject or anything. No, not at all. But let me ask you real quick, since you brought it up. What's your favorite Will Smith movie? If you had to name one.

I have a number of them. Well, what's the... Just one that pops into your head. I love Hancock. I'm sorry? Hancock. Tell the truth! I guess I haven't been listening lately.

Do you have a favorite Will Smith movie, Patton? I don't think Hancock is a... Oh, Hancock. Hancock. How do you say it? Do you have one, Patton? Oh, Men in Black. Tell the truth!

Andre, do you have a favorite Will Smith movie? Well, it would have been Men in Black. You could share it. It doesn't have to be your own. I just need you to... Can I say the TV series? Tell the truth! Tell the truth!

Yeah, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I'm dying to see if this works. Is it concussion? I mean, my favorite Will Smith movie is Concussion. Correct. We start with Andre. Okay. It's so weird to be called Andre. Why?

Most people call me Dre. Right? They ease into that, but it feels like you gave me that as the nickname option. Yeah. And I don't feel like I deserve to call you by a nickname yet. All right. I want to give you your full. So you're trying to take this slow?

Plus I'm, yeah. And I'm teaching the listeners that you have a man's name. Yeah. It has two E's. So if anyone has like taken any French, it's feminine. It's spelled super cute. Yeah.

But then when you say it, it's all super cute yeah yeah then when you say it sounds all mannish but it's for mule and really gives it the lady like at the end what movies this from Trey yeah a comedy with great taste a comedy with great taste the people the tagline writers at this particular studio had an easy day apparently they just decided to say a comedy with great taste. City Slickers. Yeah, I'd say that taste is the first thing I think of when watching City Slickers. Patton, what do you think it is?

Eating Raul. Oh, that would be pretty clever. It's always good to have a backup answer. Bert? Chef. That sounds like a to have a backup answer. Bert? Chef? That sounds like a good guess, I think. Yeah, sure. I'm playing for real.

Jeff? Rhymes with chef. Ratatouille? That's correct. Ah, fuck. What the fuck? You're wearing the hat too. Now who looks silly with what they're wearing?

I could have sworn the tagline was Patton Oswalt. Need I say more? I'm mad because I've seen it and that makes sense. We should also throw into the prize bag that Patton will come over to your house and pull on your hair while you try to make a meal. And for an extra 50, I'll watch you jerk off. Sold.

It's awkward these days, some umpropisha. Is that what you call your hat? No. Fuck. Okay, let's start with Dre on this next one Hey what's the name of your show Cause I'm sure that's the answer Angie Tribeca

Go ahead You're anticipating that her television show The tagline Is gonna be the answer in my game about movies Get up old IMDB Don't you can't look at your phones guys They're both off What kind of cheating game about movies. Get up, old IMDB. You can't look at your phones, guys. It's my wife.

My wife! Dre, what movie had the tagline, The Legend is Growing? The Legend is growing. She's trying to get facial clues from Jeff. Oh, he's stroking his beard. It must be scratching his head.

Seven year age? Um, God. Anything? Since I don't know the answer, I'm just going to make a joke. Legends of the fall. A swing and a miss. That would have been a great tagline for that movie. The legend is falling.

Legend is growing, Patton. Jack and the Beanstalk. Terrific guess. Bert. Schindler's List have a tagline? Schindler's List 2 RSVP necessary Chicken or fish? Chicken or fish?

Chicken or fish? The legend is growing, Bert. Boogie Nights. See, if you have a fun answer, that's almost as good as the right answer. Jeff? That's not it. Jeff? Van Water 2, The Rise of Taj.

That is correct. I am... How fucking long is this fucking podcast? I have therapy tomorrow morning, and it's going to be a fucking beast. We'll get you out of here on time for your therapy tomorrow morning. So glad I didn't get high before this. I'd be still in my head. Oh, I'm so glad. out of here on time for your therapy tomorrow morning.

So glad I didn't get high before this. I'd be still in my head. Oh, I'm so... More? The opposite. Really? I'm so happy I got high before this. Alright, I got two more of these taglines. Hey, what other movies have you been in, Patton? If he says, want to see Patton with his shirt off, that young adult. That's the tagline to that movie?

It didn't do well. I'll show you that one. I'll show you that one. I'll show you the one with the giants. All right, go ahead. Didn't you paint a giants thing on your thing in that one? Oh, that was, never mind. Different movie. Keep going, though. I know what this answer is. I was cut out of the the mouth. Oh, that was, never mind. Different movie.

Keep going though, I know what this hamster is. I was cut out of the gangster squad. Quick, come up with another. I read that book. That's a good movie and book. Josh Brolin changed the scene, fucking asshole. All right, F, F, be quiet. Dre?

All right, F, be quiet. Dre? Dre? We're coming to you next, Ahn. Ert. Stop dreaming, start living. It's obviously fucking you. Stop dreaming, start living. It's obviously fucking you. Stop dreaming. Start living.

What do you think, Trey? The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. That's correct. Oh, you shit dick. You're the fucking internet hopeful. Fuck. No. Fuck. Shit. God damn it.

Okay, let's do one more. Okay. Patton gets to go first. No, let me take a stab at it. Really? I think he's safe. What do you mean he's safe? Just let me take a stab at it, and then he can go's safe. What do you mean he's safe? Okay, just let me

take a stab at it and then he can go, it's his movie, so let me just, let me try first. Okay. I'm like Bulgaria. Here's the tagline.

What? Just go with it, assholes. Fuck. Everything gotta make sense to you? Is that the, that's the slogan for Bulgaria?

Just go with it, assholes? Welcome to Bulgaria. Yeah, yeah. We know we weren't your first choice, but the ticket was cheaper. Just go with it. You're here now. Go with it.

Fucko. Make the best of it. Make the best of it, fucko. It's not exactly a falafel, but go with it. 60% of our tourism comes from people who can't spell Belgium. That is where I'm from.

Belgium? I'm half Belgian. Like, for real. That's why I have this name. You're welcome. Good guess. I'm good at guessing. You're fighting a brave fight. That's fighting a brave fight. Dre of Bulgeria. All right, so I'll say it to both of you.

Whoever can come up with it. The man, the myth, the beginning. Van Wilder's list no no no it's Mystery Men we were that no

it's neither of those it wasn't in it it's gotta be one of those that was in Reno 9-11. Reno 9-11. Reno 9-1-1, Miami. No. Do you got a guess?

I went to the museum, too. Well, that's a good guess, Jeff. Anything, any guesses? Anchorman. No. It's Van Wilder, freshman year. No. Yeah, they went back.

Never seen any of them. They did a prequel to finish off the trilogy. And then I think there's maybe a couple of straight-to-video Van Wilder movies. You should have a Van Wilder festival and you could host it. Yeah, I should. It'd be fun. You could just be like, that's nothing like me. I'll have a retrospective like Shia LaBeouf did.

Right. Right, watch all the Van Wilders with all my fans and we'll rent out a small theater I gotta tell you I would have watched the shit out of Shia LaBeouf's movies with Shia LaBeouf that sounds fun to me his movies aren't terrible

he's fucking entertaining as shit I love that guy. It's like his biggest success, Transformers, is probably my least favorite thing he did. It probably is what made him insane. He's like a young Mel Gibson in this day and age without the N-word. What? It's like if they took Mel

Gibson and said, you can't use the N-word and that's Shia LaBeouf. But just be you crazy Mel. Like if Mel was politically correct and he was like you douse silly gooses. How often would Shia LaBeouf use the N word if he could do you think? He was not raised with the N word like

Mel was but if he was raised with the word it would be floating everywhere. If he was raised with it. That's the difference between a guy like him and Mel. Mel was just raised with the word. The word's comfortable in his mouth. For Shia, he never said the word his entire life. Maybe he sang it a few times.

I don't think he went to college, actually. I don't think he did. No, he didn't sing it in college, like, look at all those... His parents were like, I thought that's what you were implying. Oh, here come the. No, it's. Dude, we're not doing any Little Mermaid stuff.

No, you sing it in hip hop. If you're a fan of hip hop, you don't not sing the word. You bought the fucking album. You sing the word. But hip hop isn't here we go. It's not. German beer. There is that one song in Little Mermaid

where she's like, what's that word? No. Street. Street. I want legs, but I don't want to be a... No.

Just making this clear. She's like... I want white legs. Make sure they're not black legs. Poor, unfortunate souls. Sorry.

Look at these N-words. Aren't they neat? Listen, no one in here obviously listened to hip hop, but there's no way you can listen to a hip hop song

and not sing the word. Ugh. Real talk. I say bitches. If you listen to it, you will sing the word. That. Real talk. I say bitches. So if you listen to it, you will sing the word. That is true. And that's what I meant with Shia.

I didn't mean that he was like making musicals. She ain't looking for no broken. She ain't looking for no broken. That's how I sing along. Oh, that sounds so good, Doug. You just swallow the, you know. I just say bitches in place. Even when it's like my, my, you know that song.

Yeah, I can guess. My bitches, my bitches. I die for my motherfucking bitches. Which part do you leave out in public? The N word, I put bitches in. Oh. Yeah. Oh, that's fun.

I don't ever sing it when I listen to hip hop. Only when I listen to The Hurricane by Bob Dylan. That's the only time I ever sing it. You sing it

when you listen to The Hurricane? Yeah, yeah. That's like really... Yeah, he says it, but it's got like that cool southern white guy voice so it really sounds real.

No, you guys, I'm not... Go ahead and sing it, Bert. No, no, no, no. All right, one time. Guns N' Roses, Lies. It is good. It's the holiday season.

G&R Lies has it in there, too. I don't sing it with Axl. I don't sing it with Bob. But T.I., 8-Ball MJG, DMX, anyone that I'm listening to right now, I sing it with them. No, that Guns N' Roses one, really, like, that one's bad. That one's bad. That one's not commentary at all. I don't even sing the F word with that anymore.

Which one is that? It's on, ah, what the fuck? Do You Know Our Lives. Yeah, but what's the name of the song? One in a Million? Yeah. You're one in a million. Police and you are. Yeah, that's what you are. Police and you are. Yeah, that's what you are. Poli Senor. Yeah, that's what you're allowed to say.

Was that something from Peaky and the Brain? Poli Senor. No, no, Slash stepped on his toe when he was singing it. The lyric is that way. They didn't have time to do another take. They had to go with that one. I hope everyone got that. Is that your Christmas wish for this year?

Little Bert hopes that everybody got that. Let's play one more game. One more game. Yeah, one more chance for Bert to humiliate himself. Oh, it's okay. I deal with it. I'm sure you'll be all right. I'm fine.

I'm fine. I talked to my therapist about it. Already? I enjoy it. I enjoy it. This last week, we actually talked about Doug because I dug over my podcast, BertCast.com, download it, whatever.

But rate, review, subscribe. Yeah, he had me stop by and visit him in the dildo den. Yeah. I mean mean man cave if i have a relationship with guys like there's a lot of guys have relationships that i really like them and i made they made me laugh but as a part of it and todd glass and i have this with you and we share this same feeling do you think this is going to take only a few more seconds you know what good call dog let's wrap it up what's the next game?

But now you have something to talk about with your therapist the next time. First I abused you in your own home and then I invited you to come over the hill and sit here and take all this abuse. Let's play the game. You should also go to a healer. I'm done with my therapist. I've gone to a healer,

and apparently I have a ball of rage in my pelvis. So I'm trying to release it. I got something that can fix that. I'm married. I really don't. So I humped her to death. You could still have something that would fix that and be married.

I'm also on Propecia, so nope. It kills that in half. All right. You're on Propecia because you were worried about having a bald chin? We are not talking about, that's another therapy session. So let's change the subject. What's going on up top? Are you really Propecian-ing it?

I'm losing my hair. Can we see it? No. That's why I wore a fucking hat. So I haven't, I just, all I've done

is use Rogaine today so it just is like a mess up there. But yeah, I thought it would help my marriage because I'm a little bit, I want to have sex

all the time and I thought if I dialed it back half that it would help my wife. My wife! So, yeah. Let's play the game.

This is what's fucking wrong with my stand-up these days is I end up getting into these fucking things where I'm doing this and not let's go. Fucking drive forward. I hope this episode segues into the

mental illness happy hour because that would be so perfect right now. By the way, I had him on my podcast and I just did his podcast with me. I just went, here's what's wrong with me. I kind of want to talk about when I was on the movie thing.

This end of the stage looks like the worst have daddy tell us about his work day ever. Bring daddy to work. What's that called? You guys have done that shit, right? Well, I wouldn't know because my dad is dead. Sean Claude was lost in a tragic biking accident.

Are we playing a game or what? This is the second time I've been on the show with a girl who won't stop talking about her dead dad. Who's the first one? Does that remind you of prom? No, I couldn't even get the girl with the dead dad to go with me to prom. Oh, wait. Oh, now I'm Bert.

God damn it. Now I'm Bert. God damn it. That was an angry mic. It's a body switch movie. I have two balls of rage in my scrotum. Should I see a healer? I could definitely take her in those.

Her name is Destiny. You should go to one of those Thai healer places in the valley. My life. All these mic drops are killing people with headsets on. Worst things have happened to people who listen to my podcast. At least this show doesn't have an air horn. She knows what I'm talking about.

Let's play Last Man Stanton. This is a game where we all take turns. I like to play along on this one. We take turns naming movies by a particular actor or actress. If when it gets to you, you can't think of one, you're out. Who do we think won that last game? Who got the most taglines right? You got more than one right, Jeff?

I believe I got three. Whoa, that's more than one. But she got the last one right, so I think it's her. Oh, aren't you chivalrous. Very honorable. He definitely won. Yeah, but it's whoever gets... All right, let's do a tiebreaker between the two of you.

Whoever says this movie the fastest. Okay. You ready? Here we go. The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid! Jeff won that. Here we go. The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid! Jeff won that.

Jeff did win it. I just tried to hand it to you. And that's what Jeff yells when he comes. Well, now. I think I'm being too considerate. I let you finish it even if I know it. Right, right. Because think I mean to consider it. I let you finish it even if I know it. Right, right. Because that's the rule. I don't know.

There's no rules. All right, so Jeff will start us off in Last Man Stanton, but then we'll go to, Dre will go second after Jeff and go around like that. And someone wrote to me on Twitter. They always write to me with, they have the perfect name for us to use. And today is no exception.

Someone named... Kevin Bacon. Roman... Roman underscore... Atwood? You're not supposed to guess anything. Oh, I see. Okay, so this guy named Roman tweeted, he wrote,

My roommate Eric doesn't have a Twitter, but he'll be at the show today and says he has a good name for Last Man Stanton. So where's Eric at? Hold on. Eric. Is that legit? What are you saying? Eric, the name of the guy

from The Little Mermaid. What a good looking dude. Eric, stay standing, please. Yeah. Yeah, why aren't you standing in front of a fountain hosting Extra? Hello.

Good job, Doug. Man don't need Twitter when he looks like that. Are his teeth sparkling right now? Seriously, smile. Your teeth are sparkling at us. Jesus. They are. They are. I think you have a potato chip stuck in your dimple.

Guy's got huge dimples. All right. Holy shit. So he thinks he has the perfect name for us to use today. What is it, dude? I was thinking Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, alright. Can I start?

Interesting one. No. We just spent 20 minutes deciding who was going to start. The answer was not you. We'll start with Jeff. Audience, please don't yell out any until I ask you at the end to tell us the ones we missed. And Jeff, name any movie starring Jenny from the Block.

Jenny from the Block. Jenny from the Block. Oh, I thought you said Jenny LeBlanc. Matt LeBlanc's sister has a long list of credits. Gender is very fluid nowadays, so I didn't know if Matt LeBlanc was a different...

Out of sight. Out of sight. Now I go. That's my favorite J-Lo movie. Dre? Gigli. God damn it! Don't do it, Patt movie. Dre? Gigli. God damn it. Don't do it, Patton.

Go obscure, man. Come on, man. Enough. God damn it! The one with Ben Affleck and the baby. I'll take it. Ben Affleck loses his wife. They start dating.

She's a nanny. They adopt a kid. Yeah, I'm sure that all those things happen. What I need you to do is pull together the title of a film that has J-Lo in it. Okay, okay. Yeah, go back to that part. Read the word.

It's usually one or two words, maybe three or four. Maddie. Maddie? Is that the name of it? That's your guess? Maddie? Maddie or... Maddie? Maddie. Maddie?

Hold on one second. Let me just take this from my wife, see if she knows any. Can we get a call? I'll take a caller. No. Sure, just. I did forget to mention. Babe, do you know any movies that Jen. Don't.

Jennifer Lopez. Your wife cannot help you. Jennifer Lopez? Yes. Hold on Go name a Lopez movie She's my teammate Monster in law

What? Monster in law Bam Monster in law I just hung up on my wife You just hung up on her My wife She's calling out frantically, we can't find the kids.

Honey, before that, what name a J-Lo movie? She's calling up frantically, we can't find the kids. Honey, before that, what name a J-Lo movie? Monster Law, the kids have been missing for... Hello? I like to think that that's some sort of code so he knows his wife didn't lose her phone. And now whenever he gets a call, he has to, name a Jennifer Lopez movie.

And if they do it, he knows it's his wife. Quick, let's go to the next round before he calls back. All right, I'll go with what to expect when you're expecting. Whoa. Nice. Sure. Jeff? The wedding planner planner god damn it

very nice thank you Dre can I call the guy I'm dating no but here's the thing that I almost mentioned just now and now I'm remembering

I should have mentioned it many times already you each get one lifeline. Okay. Oh, fuck. I already used mine. You get to use the person whose name tag. Unless you have it.

You guys. The person whose name tag you picked. Oh. You can ask them to help you. Okay. When you run out. All right. How long have you been dating this guy?

Probably not long enough to call him on stage. Hey, Tim! We're going to ask Tim? Yeah. All right, Tim. Don't forget, it's got to be exact title. The Cell. He says The Cell.

I hope my Tim's is good. You going to go with that, the cell? Yeah. Wow, just in the nick of Tim. All right. Let's go with Anaconda. Oh, of course. I may not need your help if there is an Anaconda. Of course. I may not need your help if there was an anaconda too.

There wasn't. Tim. Tim, what do we got? Pretend I didn't hear that. Wait for it. Wait for it. I got the spotlight coming for you, Tim. You can't have another lifeline. Made in Manhattan.

Nam. That's me and him. What? Maiden Manhattan. Still in it. Way to go, Tim. Don't sit down. You can only use them once. Sit down, Tim. And Maiden Manhattan is correct.

I will go with Angel Eyes. I've never heard of it. And no one's named the Ben Affleck baby movie yet. Angel Eyes, Devil Butt. Was the title in Europe. Jeff. Jersey Girl. Yeah, that's the one you were trying to think of earlier.

Oh, that's my favorite Will Smith movie. For Jennifer Lopez. Dre's turn. Do you have another one? Jersey Bullies. I only have In Living Color. Sorry, that doesn't count Okay

But it was a movie To me Pat in Selena Say it in your microphone Make it official Fuck She was in Selena

Yeah Selena Selena Selena Selena Selena Selena. Selena. Selena? Selena. Selena! That was a... Oh, I blanked.

Sorry. That's all right. Yeah, I'm with Pat. I blanked, too. I don't know. Man, I'm already like five over. Man, come on, man. Fuck, why do I got to of all these Jennifer Lopez movies?

I think we've named all of her IMDB. I can't think of anything else she's done. Oh, there's more. There's most certainly more. She works. She works it. A woman walks home alone at night. Oh, sparkle.

What's that? Never mind, I'm out. All right, I think I might be out too, buddy. I think I might jump out. I think I might jump out of it with you. Let me see if I can just conjure one up here. What's it smell like? It's so good, I've asked a few people,

what are you wearing? And it's Glow by J-Lo. Glow. G-Lo by J-Lo. If I could do a lifeline, do you know who I'd call, Jeff? Who? I'd call the boy next door.

Fuck! Oh, shit. Fuck, that was the boy next door. Fuck. Oh, shit. Fuck, that was the one I had. That's the one I was trying to think of. I'm going to go with... Crossing Over. What? What is that? I have no idea if she's in it, but...

It involves... There's like... Sounded good, but no. She's got to be in it involves a... There's like a... Sounded good, but no. She's got to be in one ensemble piece where it's like a street name. Like... Why are you... What are you... Like a street name?

Like Arlington Road? She's got to be in one that's got a street name. Big actors are in it. Like it's all their faces on the thing. Revolutionary Road. Michael Keaton in the middle. Murder at 1600. Do you have one more, Patton?

New Year's Eve. What did I fucking say? What did I fucking say? An ensemble piece, right? Nailed it. Is she? I think she's in New Year's Eve. No, we'll take it.

Oh, I knocked over the Riviera Cup. Is she not in New Year's Eve? Yeah, I didn't think she was. That was a good guess, though. Lame ages? Groundhog Day. Arbor Day. Some fucking holiday

Gary Marshall bullshit. Colder, colder. Armistice Day. Colder. So how do we decide who the winner is? I'll take it. Lifelines.

Oh, yeah. You didn't use your lifelines yet. Oh, yeah. Can I use mine? Yeah, you both can We'll see if either one of you has an answer Will you be the rat in my hair And guide me

To a J-Lo movie that I missed Do you have a J-Lo movie that we haven't said yet? Oh, Renee It's tough What are you doing? Don't yell out yet, please We're not at that part yet Well, thank you anyway

Nope, nothing Nothing? Alright, Jeff, did you hear whatever she yelled out? Yeah, I did hear it We're not at that part yet Well thank you anyway No nothing Alright Jeff did you hear whatever she yelled out Yeah I did hear it What was that Shall we dance But I'm gonna ask my guy He's not gonna come up with no pussy shall we dance bullshit She's in Jack

Jack Jack starring Robin Williams Yes Jack. Jack starring Robin Williams. Yes. So that means Jeff is our winner today. Wow. That was really, really pulled that one out. Great job. You really deserve the prize bag. Come up here and get your prize bag, dude. Yeah!

Yay! Good job. Thanks for that. Great job, man. There you go, job. Thanks for that. Oh, sorry. Good job, man. Great job. There you go, dude. Happy New Year. Hooray.

Don't touch bird. It's bad luck. Jeff, what do you got to plug, buddy? Wait, are we done? Yeah, Cincinnati. I remember it was mere minutes ago that you were saying, how long is this podcast? And now you're sad that you're done. Just flew by? Yeah, Cincinnati. I remember it was mere minutes ago that you were saying, oh, look, it's this podcast. And now you're sad that you're done.

Just flew by. Yeah, right? Though we're playing the game where we pick the movie and the names and the thing. Talk to Jeff. Can I do my plugs now? Yes, please. I'm at JeffTay96 on Twitter Twitter G-E-O-F-F

T-A-T-96 and I'll be in Cincinnati next weekend the 7th through the 10th at Go Bananas the Seattle Comedy Underground the weekend after

Albuquerque Tucson there's lots of shit coming up justanotherclown.com and speakyoursilence.org is a place

if you want to get money or you need it's a non-profit that provides pro bono counseling to the adult survivors of child sex abuse. So if you need somebody to talk to, just hit up that website and they'll find someone where you live for free. Jeff Tate, ladies and gentlemen. And for the rest of my guests, you don't have to have six gigs and a humanitarian effort.

You can keep it a lot simpler if you want. Don't feel any pressure to follow what Jeff does. Andre Vermeulen. Yeah. Vermeulen. You can follow me on Twitter and Instagram at DreAndre, D-R-E-E-A-N-D-R-E-E, because I use both names.

And my show, Angie Tribeca, comes out January 17th on TBS, and they're going to release the whole first season in a marathon that day, which you can watch.

Dion Cole is hosting the live. We're doing like a talking Tribeca. And it'll also be on TBS.com if you just want to binge watch it. And then if you're a person who likes how TV used to work, on January 25th, a week

later, they're going to air it episode by episode every Monday night at 9.30. And then season two, we're already shooting it, and it comes out in the fall of next year. That's cool. And look out for that necklace necklace! It's cool. Wow. So, sounds like it's a success.

It's a success already. Yeah. So you didn't even need to promote it. Well, I think it would help. Okay. I like it.

Patton, Oswalt. Saturday, January 16th, I'm at the San Francisco Sketch Fest with a lot of amazing people. The lineup this year is pretty epic. Go to the website

sfsketchfest.com, I believe it's what it is. You'll see my show is scheduled. I hope you come. Riot LA at the end of the month downtown and Goldberg's Wednesdays on ABC. The one coming up this Wednesday, the 6th,

is all about the Beastie Boys and it's one of the funniest ones they've done. Wow. It's really hilarious. That sounds awesome. I think you'll like it. Relinquish the hat, sir. Oh, yes.

I'm sorry. Is there a shithead in there? Well... No? Who do you want me to call a shithead? Okay. Wow, he sounded serious. Did you see that?

J-Lo, do it. Wow. I forgot one thing. I forgot one thing. Okay. If you guys are not doing anything tonight, I'm at UCB Sunset at 1030. I'm going to be freestyle rapping and dancing

like for real no one's watching at the Mo Show. So come on out. It's really stupid. Bert Kreischer! Apologizing to his wife around 8.15 this evening. So check out. Make sure to get a ticket for that.

She never even called you back. Nope. I'm definitely thinking about that. She fucking dunked the alley-oop, and I just fucking walked off the court, but we were still playing the game. It'd be funny if your mother were at the house right now when she screamed monster-in-law into the phone.

Monster-in-law. He's gone. I'm on tour you got watch all of his he's on every other show on Discovery Channel he's always discovering things

it's Travel Channel it's Travel Channel and my podcast Patton just committed to be on it earlier in my ear he whispered

and he was like oh I'd love to do it I don't fuck dogs so what are we what are we gonna talk about I don't well old whiskey meet, old whiskey.

Me, old whiskey. But yeah, check out my podcast. Doug's on it. Patton's going to be on it next week. And just commit, Patton. It's fun. I'm a fun guy. And then follow me on Twitter, Patton.

Not only do I follow you, I get fucking Periscope notices from you eight times a day. Are you serious? you, I get fucking periscope notices from you eight times a day. Are you serious? Yes, I do. It's like, oh, now Bert's periscoping his left one. Yeah, Bert's putting his shoe on. Now he's taking it off. Have you ever watched one? No.

No! Come on. I'm trying to watch dog fucking porn, and your thing pops up. Maybe you should click on that Periscope. And I have an organization I like. On Periscope, Bert's going greyhound, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, woof, woof. He's going to fuck that dog in case he didn't get it.

Quick, fast, and leave it to be one more time for all of my guests there's only one way to leave these microphones people come on yeah let's have some mic drops that sounded like a shitty car starting some mic drops. That sounded like a shitty car starting. Yeah, you can hand it back to Tim. Come get it, Tim. Come get your shit

back. As always, Valente is a shithead. J-Lo is a shithead. And Steve Harvey's moral barometer is a shithead. Once again, today's episode is brought to you by Colony from Carlton Cuse, executive producer of Lost. Cubs USA Network's new original series, Colony, starring Josh Holloway of Lost and Sarah Wayne Callies of The Walking Dead.

Imagine an occupied world where everyone must choose a side. If your city was no longer your own, who would you trust with your life? Where would you run? And what would you risk to save the ones you love? Colony, a new original series Thursday, January 14th at 10 9 Central Only on USA Network

Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you, cause Doug loves movies!