Doug Loves Movies - Andy Kindler Guests

Episode Date: January 21, 2007

Doug explores the minutia of the movie-going experience with comedian Andy Kindler ('Late Show with David Letterman,' 'Everybody Loves Raymond' ), who ponders spoiler etiquette in stand-up, ranks his local video stores, and discusses the pros and cons of DVD commentary tracks.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming baby, sticky seeds with 50 azepam or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, cause Doug loves movies! Hey everybody, how's it going? Holy crap! Record-breaking numbers here at the UCB Theater. Live audience. They do a lot of great shows here at UCB. For more information, go to UCBtheater.com because you don't have anything better to do than go check that out.

So do it. I love movies, but sitting through that Christmas movie, The Holiday, that was like work. It's tough sledding, as they say, about things where sledding might be involved. Cameron Diaz is not even remotely convincing

as a movie trailer producer, or even as a human being. She's just a grinning, goofy weirdo that I want to fuck. Our first guest, my guest today on I Love Movies is a longtime friend of mine and a favorite comedian among comedians and people who know comedy. Idiots do not care for what he does. He really turns off idiots with his humor. He's a regular on Everybody's Love Raymond and lately he's been a frequent appearance-er

typo on The Late Show with David Letterman. Please welcome Eddie Kindler, everybody! Eddie! Hey! You made it! Talk into this. You can take it out of the thing if you want.

I had a segue for you. From last week's show? No, right. From your intro? You could have brought me up by going, speaking of people I want to fuck. Oh, yeah, that would have been good. A good segue.

Hey, one thing also, one correction to your introduction. But I love the throwaway, like the complete throwaway, just going into, and I like to fuck her. My guest tonight... I didn't like her

performance in this movie, but I really like to fuck her. I wouldn't even really... I feel like I'm like Lenny Bruce on the... What was the one where you have to... If you're going to have to go to me for all the references, this is going to be tough sledding. I feel like that guy. Who was that guy?

What guy? I was going with your bet. A slight correction to the intro. If I was a regular on Everybody Loves Raymond, I would not be here right now. Are you kidding me? I'd be sitting in my jacuzzi back at the home. I can't flip it on without seeing you on there. Must be luck of the draw.

You know what the difference is? Yeah, you recurred on it. $500,000 a week. Hot crowd. That's like half a million. Yeah, they got half a million. I got 7,000. This crowd camped out.

They loved last week's show so much they camped out for an entire week. And this is not going to... You know, they were here for a week. Why is the heat on high and have they been served a deli plate? It is pretty warm in here, isn't it? I'm always warm because I'm uncomfortable as a person and so temperature affects me greatly.

I'm uncomfortable with myself. How do you feel about, like, do Do you like If you go to a movie And it's crowded Does it bother you That people are sitting Right next to you Sharing an arm I can't stand it

I can't stand the sound First of all I like to eat popcorn I like to have Butter flavoring on it I love the new thing Who's with me No

I love the new thing now Where they don't even Put the butter on it For you I know it's not like A comic from the 80s But you know that thing where they... Who likes popcorn?

No, you have to go to a different station. You go to a station, you yourself... Yeah, you administer the butter. You have to administer the hot... It's completely trans fat. It's all trans fats. Because that's what I... I'm mostly paying for the sensation of the hot butter splashing on me.

I don't get that when they do it themselves behind the counter wearing an apron and a uniform. And standing in that filth all day long, and that's their job. I just came to see the holiday. And all of a sudden, now I've got to have this shit all over me and a boner watching the holiday? It's aggravating. What's next? But I don't like people eating near me. I don't like people near me at all.

I like people that chew with their mouth closed. Why the fuck, if a movie's going on, is it that awesome of a movie that their jaw's just dropping the entire time? I like a half full house. It sounds like people have, it sounds like some people have pop rocks in their mouth. Yeah.

When they're just chewing on popcorn. A lot of times, Carrot Top will go to the movie theater and just to entertain the people there will do props and things

with pop rocks and large, he has a joke, he has a joke bucket of popcorn that he brings with him. It's really big? Yeah, and then he goes, hey, hey, hey, sir.

They can't see how big that popcorn is on the podcast. You really put your arms out there. Yeah. It's a giant tub of popcorn. Sir, it's a pillow popcorn. If you get tired while you're eating your popcorn, check it out. And leans over the row to people. So planes must be horrible for you, too.

Plane rides. Do you ever have to sit in the middle seat? I have because I want to make sure my wife doesn't have to sit in the middle seat because I'm a loving man in many ways. And secretly gay. You want her on the aisle so that the snack cart bashes her in the elbow

seven times during a flight. And I go, how do you like them potatoes? I say to her. bashes her in the elbow seven times during the fling. And I go, how do you like them potatoes? I say to her. You both love to sit around and quote Good Will Hunting. How many nuts are in that goddamn

snack bag? They don't have food anymore on the plane, sir. What's the deal with the food on the plane? Chicken, fish, or beef? Sir, they don't, Mr. Comedian, they did not a fool on the plane? Chicken, fish, or beef? Sir, they don't Mr. Comedian, they do not serve Fool on the plane anymore Sometimes for purchase

But what's up with this? They should just say Anyone want to pay $5 for stale chips? Cut to the chase They're always stale The chips are always stale And I Cut to the chase. They're always stale. The chips are always stale. And I buy them every time. And I just eat them.

No, no, I like the snack boxes that they have. You do like them? They have a summer sausage. The sausage, incredibly, the meat is always fine. The meat always gets through

Oh, it's not the meat. It's the humidity. Oh, no. I've never had a comedian on the show before, so this is different. Yeah, I thought this was like when I was listening. Everyone else talks seriously about film. Yeah, it was like Elvis Mitchell, the treatment is the vibe I was getting from it. When you listened to the podcast last week? Yeah, last week's podcast.

Was David Cross on last week? Last week was David Cross, yes. I heard one of David Cross's anecdotes, just to show you the difference between careers between David Cross and I, myself, is that a bad story for him is when he didn't get one of the parts in the movie, but he got a different part.

Right. That's a negative story in his life. I completely missed it. I was congratulating him at the end. Like, yeah, you got a part in the movie. You did that and then got a part in the movie. So congratulations. And he's like, no, it wasn't the real part.

It wasn't the point I wanted. Sure, I was in Annie Hall, but not the... I've got to come up with a more recent movie. What year was that? That's Jeff Goldblum who said that. Yeah, I was in Annie Hall, but all I got to say is, where's my mantra? I forgot my mantra. I have been searching on TV

now, Doug, for good holiday movies. You have? The wife and I, we went on to watch a movie. We saw one last night. Lifetime has a movie. This airs January 22nd, by the way. You know what? It's not about the holidays. It's about January movies. Well, you and the missus

love Super Bowl movies, right? I'll tell you, I don't know what to do about this. Movies about the Golden Globes you love. Yeah, I don't know what's going to happen with the Super Bowl. I don't know what the fuck's going to happen with it coming up. Oh yeah, this is going to be an interesting one.

Is it going to be the AFC team or the NFC team? I'm so excited about it, I don't even know who's in it. Feels like it could be either one, even though one seems much better than the other. Right. Could go any way. There could be weather. Yeah.

The day of the game. Crowd. Weather will fuck up the game all the time. This comes out in January. Are we doing movies that are coming out that we haven't seen? This isn't really a review show. I know that Doug I've been following your show forever

I say what have you seen lately And you talk about a movie you saw in the cinema And then probably a day or two after this airs A month from now That'll be available on DVD And then they can get it It stays extremely topical What have you seen lately

Well I saw... What's that? Someone in the audience has lost interest. When you can hear someone whispering, Sato. When you can hear it clearly, when someone is talking... Sometimes, though, Sato Voce.

Sometimes you jump in and go, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, what are you talking about? And they go, I just said you're hilarious. And then it becomes bad. That's what happens. Why don't they make a movie about this? This could be the movie.

The making of a behind the scenes podcast. I don't understand this Andy fellow. Well, you know what I saw recently that was a movie that just came out was the Star Wars. No, I'm just kidding. I haven't seen one Lord of the Rings yet.

You haven't been to LOTR? I haven't done that, nor have I seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies. Loader? You're not a Loader fan? I'm not sure what you're talking about in that case, but also I'd like to see one of those Lord of the Rings movies. And you know what? I live in a gray area, movie-wise, because I have a Hollywood video half a block down. That doesn't work

out for me. A boom blockbuster two blocks down from that. So I have a full... Total different bill of fare at the two different places. They're likely to have the Lord of the Rings ones that the other one doesn't have. Really? Yeah.

Or the Benji. If I want Benji 3. Is one of them more strict on the X than the other? Because Blockbuster is no X-rated movies. Or non-rated movies. I think of Blockbuster as the man. And I think of Hollywood Video as a rebel. You know what I mean?

Okay. Kind of a guy. They come like a little messy to work. It's Hollywood, baby. It's Hollywood. Isn't that how it plays? Messy how? Like kind of untucked or something? Well, you know what I mean? They're just too cool over there.

Blockbuster, they make them wear the crazy outfits. They dress them up like marionettes and they have to wear a bruge and they have to say, good evening. I hope you, by God, i hope you enjoy a pg movie tonight well i haven't been in one in a while they have a nickelodeon what's what's happening now with with it's on tv if i were jay leno i would have to say something about you getting high or something. Blame it on that.

Yeah. What you just said. Maybe you shouldn't. As you talk? I forgot how to talk. Maybe you shouldn't get tired. What's up with... Well, how come the movie music is so bad now?

Even on TV shows, everything's like... It's always like... Something's about to happen. It's about to happen. And nothing ever happens It never like Desperate Housewives It's in every fucking scene

And the payoff is I need some sugar Oh here you go Like it's always like You're leading up to Oh someone's about to get murdered Or a murder's about to be solved It's not a tuba

What is that? I don't know It's like a string Yeah it's very excited Yeah It's like how they. Yeah, it's very excited. It's like how they do violins for spider legs in Indiana Jones movies. That's supposed to be like you go,

that's how a spider would sound if it made noise when it walked. But wait, do they want you to be watching that and going, wow, I'm really aware of horrible music while I'm watching this. I don't know. I just remember when the spiders go crawling all over the place in the first Raiders of the Lost Ark and it makes that noise. You just go, ah, it works. Yeah, but that was good. In those days it worked when they had the quadraphonic systems. I like when they start the movies with THX.

Like you take a mushroom. I don't know what you take before a movie, but you take a mushroom. Yeah, I take something before every movie these days. Or what I usually take is someone outside the movie theater who I don't know says, try three, they're weak. And I'll take some of those before a movie. And I'll sit there, and all of a sudden, it's happening. The noise is happening. I don't fucking need my eardrum exploding to know the sound is on.

Hello? drum exploding to know the sound is on. Hello? Hello? Excuse me, movie guy, hello? We'll be back with more with the 1,000-year-old man.

Oi! Getting into those movie seats is hard. Oi! What's with the cup holder? It's not big enough. Yeah, you put it down. Oi! What's with the cup holder? What's with the cup holder? It's not big enough. Yeah, you put it down.

Dane Cook can't figure it out. He goes nuts about it. No physical comedy on the podcast, please. Dane Cook impressions do not work on the podcast. I have seven more podcasts to do today. Back off. You do? Yeah, I get up every day. Everybody's calling me all day.

I have a podcast. Podcast. Just happens. Just people in my living room hear it. Come on down. My neighbor. Isn't it funny how like King of Television came before me, you know? Yeah.

But I just looked at that one. King of Television. I love movies. Like it was just real easy to just come up with because he started it. Yeah. I stole his idea and I've rocketed past him In popularity So if I did the same thing

I go I'm just saying that Because he listens to this People thought there was a feud That would be awesome Yeah that would be awesome He's sitting there listening And he's going to be like

That fucker So he likes Then I'm going to get An instant message That I'll ignore That would be good It would be like a war Kind of a thing

Start a war With the king of television Yeah I'd have to I'd have to have more of television yeah i'd have to i'd have to have more of a title i'd have to have an actual i have to be captain movies or something to go up against the king of television just speaking on the other side going i love movies it doesn't it's not as you know you can't win the battle that faggy of a thing letter malton though is very hard-hitting though don't Don't you think? That Leonard Maltin?

He gives it to him. He only gave Crazy Larry and Dirty Mary three stars because he didn't like the downbeat ending. Look up Thelma and Louise. It says the same exact thing. Good-natured romp. Nearly perfect. Good-natured romp.

It's a rape romp. I forgot that part, Thelma and Louise. Oh, yeah, she gets raped on the hood of a car. He tries to rape her. I don't think he succeeds. And then Thelma shoots him. God, I just remember the happy ending. I never remembered the other stuff.

Or Felix shoots him. Or Oscar. The cliff, for those of you. And the goddamn sled was Rosebud. Huh? Enjoy your lives. And then there were none. It was not the butler.

What's the cutoff? Like people, when I start to give away a plot point in a movie, how long does a movie have to be in theaters before a comedian could say something that happens and people start going, I don't talk about it. I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. Well, go rent it already.

That's the thing. Three weeks, you think, in the theaters? Once it's on DVD, then you can start. Because you can get it the first day it's on DVD. You should write a book about revealing the plot etiquette with Doug Benson, host of I Love Movies.

You may know him from I Love Movies. Did you say book, though? Well, I meant like... Pamphlet, maybe. On tape. On tape, of course. Oh, of course. On tape.

On tape. No one even has tape. Yeah, I got a book on tape coming out. Really? Yeah, cassettes. They're coming out next June. But why cassettes? I like it. I like it.

I still say that this show that we're doing right now is being taped, but I guess that's not the appropriate word for it. You know, whatever. Look, I don't care. It's being beamed or some shit. Well, you know what the French say, right? Le plus. Oh, le plus.

Yeah, they say, I can live with the Nazis. No, they say, no, you have to say something. You're recording it. How about that? Does that make the goddamn technophiles happy? I just went to Amsterdam. Would it offend you to learn that the Anne Frank house, her window now has a red light over it and a girl in lingerie standing there? Get out of here.

He believed me for a second there. Or do you actually want me to leave? Well, I thought you were going to do the Pia Zadora joke. a girl in lingerie standing there? Get out of here. He believed me for a second there. And then the... Or do you actually want me to leave? Well, I thought you could do the Piazzadora joke. Oh, really? There's a Piazzadora joke

in there somewhere? You don't remember the famous Piazzadora joke? Well, I think it's an apocryphal joke, but it could be used with that. I didn't come up with it.

Have you seen Mel Gibson's apocryphal? Apocalypse? Alito? Apocalypse? Apocalypse! I'll meet you for drinks up on the Apocalypse. Apocalito! I'll meet you for drinks up on the Apocalito.

Apocalito! Apocalito! What was I talking about? You and I are having much more fun than anyone else right now. Pia Zadora. Yes.

Nobody's heard of her. She was acting in the Diary of Anne Frank And her acting was so bad That someone in the audience She's over there She's in the attic Screamed out from the crowd

So that was like That was probably a joke about Pia Zadora at a Dean Martin roast Probably Look I'm not I didn't say Probably where it originated The pedigree

I'll do the research I'll do the research And I'll let you know I'll do the research Okay, speaking of research, Andy I did some research on you today On the net? I work hard on this show On the net?

Did you go on my MySpace page? I went to IMDB Because I am DB Why don't you go to MySpace And start it up for me? If you have a chance You can have I, you know

I woke up today And I only had 12,047 friends Yesterday it was 12,048 What happened? I don't Something happened to somebody Somebody happened

I hope it's not An actual friend They can withdraw Their friendship? Yeah yeah And then your number goes And they say Your number's always

Going up and down How busy is How unbusy is their day They have time To take themselves off Could you imagine If you were watching A telethon

And there were Take backs Like the money Came off the board Every once in a while Oh somebody called back their day. They have time to take themselves off. Could you imagine if you were watching a telethon and there were take-backs? Like the money came off the board every once in a while. Oh, somebody called back. You caught me at a weak moment. I didn't want to donate. The Coca-Cola bottlers said they did not want to give the $3 million. IMDB

says about you that he is often wrongly credited as having portrayed the character of Jameson in the WWF. Despite both having a nerdy appearance, the two look nothing alike. The character was played by someone else.

I think that's my submission. That's your exact writing? That's probably mine. It sounds too testy to be them writing it. You know what I mean? The character was played by someone else. Like just don't fucking start to confuse the two, you jackass. Yeah, that was me.

And you called yourself having a nerdy appearance? No, I didn't do that. But the guy does, if you do look for that guy, he does kind of, he is nerdy and I'm nerdy. And then you see that maybe it could be the same person. But mostly you just start sobbing. You start sobbing. Both loud mouths, is that it? You just start sobbing at how we both look.

Either way, it's not good. If he's not me, it's not good for me. If I'm not him, that doesn't help him. Either way, if there was another Andy Kindler, it wouldn't affect anything at all. It wouldn't be like, oh, I'm so confused. Fellas, sit this one out. Ladies, applaud if you think Andy is an unattractive man.

Do you hear that? Do you hear that? I got some applause. No, it was silence until I made it clear it was a joke. Then they applauded to be funny. In other words, you're saying that I'm being like George Clooney. I'm saying that I saw how Heidi Kl funny. So you're, in other words, you're saying that I'm being like a George Clooney, I'm like a modest?

I'm saying that you, I've seen, you, I saw how Heidi Klum looked at you. She was into you. I cannot tell you what really happened on that island. He co-hosted a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model special with Heidi Klum, and she was into you, man. She's cute. Don't kid yourself. You would kid yourself about that. I really do. She's cute. Don't kid yourself. You would kid yourself about that.

I really am. She's cute. I make a lot of jokes with myself about her attractiveness. I give her a lot of credit, and then I take it right back, and it makes me laugh. What else did it say? Have you ever worked with Alec Baldwin is on here. I don't know why I put that on here, because I don't think you've been in any movies. You're leading me into one of my Alec Baldwin anecdotes.

When did you work with him? Never. Oh. If you've made up an anecdote about Alec Baldwin. I have some good movie auditions. Any Baldwin. Do you have anything on any Baldwin? I really liked William Baldwin in Did You See the Squid and the Whale? I did see The Squid and the Whale.

I watched it with the commentary track on recently. It wasn't Jeff Daniels, watched it with the commentary track on recently and it wasn't jeff daniels and noah bomb all who directed it and wrote it was that noah bombach the director writer right the motion picture he said that on the first day that uh what's his name uh william uh baldwin they say the first day he was on the set he came up to him and said you know what i think my character says brother too much. There's too many brothers in here. And then he goes, just say it as written.

Just say all the brothers. And then when William Baldwin saw the movie, he went up to the director again and said, you were right. About all the brothers. Because when you're watching it, it's fucking awesome that there is a character that realistically says the same fucking thing to every fucking person and would be the most

aggravating person to be around. But there are people that are like that. He was great. They call everybody Captain or they call everybody brother. And he was great. He was really good. Did he say bro or did he say brother? Brother.

My brother. Always my brother this and my brother that To everybody And then when the little boy Finally says it It's like really touching It's awesome Yeah I like that movie But how many movies

Have I liked That I acted as a Jeff Daniels I've liked a few movies That he's in The guy makes interesting choices Yeah but there's something Else about him That makes you

He's appealing Makes you want to move But you haven't seen Everything he's seen You haven't seen everything he's in Did you know he was in Fly Away Home About the fucking

Duck or a goose Or penguin Or some shit I love the way I love the way You paint the picture When you paint a picture Of something I haven't seen

Yeah If you see him in the thing Fly Away Home It's right there In the title Something flies home And what's her name The little

Anna Paquin Is the girl in that movie. It's a cutely little nature movie. Isn't she the girl in that movie? Her dad is Jeff Daniels in that movie. Then there are a couple in Squid and the Whale. It's super creepy if you saw Fly Away Home.

His commentary was creepy. You listened to his commentary too? I did. I didn't like the commentary on that movie. It made me feel... Sometimes you enjoy a movie, and then the commentary makes you... He's so smart. The director goes, I thought it would be good to have a shot of the ashtray, so I shot it that way.

And then you love the movie, and all of a sudden you're like, the guy's a moron. He just is a... He's a director savant. I tried to get as many colors that were colorful. I got the great Oh Brother story out of that. Plus also though, he doesn't do it through the whole movie. Didn't you think that was a... That was your whole take on our interchange?

But don't you think that was nice that he just did it over selected stills instead of yammering through the entire movie? Noam Baumgartner? Yeah. I'm confusing that with Capturing the Freedmen. Iting through the entire movie. Noam Baumgartner? Yeah. I'm confusing that with Capturing the Freedmen. It's not the same movie, right? Capturing the Freedmen had a thing in it?

Commentary? Documentaries have commentaries? What are you, nuts? That's ridiculous. What are you, insane? I like to watch 60 Minutes with the commentary track on it. They have that now? No. Later that same night, you get to hear how Andy Rooney, the stupid things he was thinking while he was saying stupid things. I really didn't have anything interesting to say about that.

I don't know why my eyebrow went up there. Who cares about the topic I'm talking about? I know I didn't while I was talking. Writing it wasn't necessary. I'm talking about. I know I didn't when I was talking. Maybe this was... Writing it wasn't necessary. I just said it. Maybe years ago what I was doing was cutting edge.

I don't think it is anymore. I don't even think I'm charming. People don't even imitate my annoying voice anymore. They're so used to how annoying it is. Even Joe Piscopo can't remember how to do me now. He do him on the old... But people take refuse in the fact that I'm going to die soon.

What's that mean? I think he recently did one, because I watch it every fucking week. I love Andy Remy. Andy Remy, yeah. And he did one where he said something about how he's not going to be living much longer. It was part of his rant about something. Like, well, it's not going to be my problem for that much longer. It was fucking awesome.

Did it bring you down? It brings me down. It brought me down a little bit, but it was also, you know, you don't hear that kind of candor even from annoying people. Well, he might have been feeling poorly during the segment. We got to go, Andy. We got to go. Say it fast.

Is it a quick one? Can you say it fast? I was just going to say that he just did the names of cities a couple of months ago. Andy Kindler, everybody. It's a back-up, but it's a thing. He did the names of cities. Hey, while you're here at Handel Comedy, go to the Laugh Bank. I can't even begin to tell you why.

I love it. Andy Kindler, ladies and gentlemen. Applause. And until next time, this is Doug Benson saying, Willem Dafoe

is a shithead. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you

cause Doug loves movies.