Doug Loves Movies - Back in Chicago

Episode Date: June 9, 2011

Recorded live at the Mayne Stage in Chicago, Illinois on June 10th, 2011. Sean Cullen, Amy Schumer, and Dan Telfer guest.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers screening baby sticky seeds With 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves cookies! Hey everybody My name is Doug Hey, everybody. My name is Doug, and I love movies. This is a special boner edition of Doug Loves Movies, live in Chicago. We are in front of a live audience at the main stage, that's M-A-Y-N-E

stage in the northernmost, it's so far north of Chicago that it's not, it's Rogers Park. And it's Friday, June 10th, Two Oceans 11. I had a great time last night here in this very theater taping The Benson Interruption, Episode 6, which is available on iTunes in the Comedy Album section or at astrecords.com for $2,

just like you paid if you're listening to this one. I saw Adjustment Bureau on the plane, and I would have tried to walk out the door of the plane, but I didn't have the right hat on. You know, if you're going to check it out on DVD or whatever, or Netflix, I don't want to spoil it for you, but the movie's about

you have to have a special hat on. It's like The Matrix, but with hats. They had to wear sunglasses and dusters. But at Adjustment Bureau, they're a lot nattier. They just have those old-fashioned hats on.

But it was alright. Matt Damon's good. I love Emily Blunt. She's good. Alright. We'll talk more about movies with my guests. What do you say? Let's get them out here. No big surprise if you were here last night

because they all participated in last night's show, but it's a pleasure to have them back again because they're all hugely talented and a lot of fun. So please welcome to the stage Amy Schumer, Dan Telfer, and Sean Cullen. See, tonight the good people of the main stage know that I like my labels off of my water. So they de-boned all the waters.

All right. Or de-labeled them. That's Amy Schumer's voice. She sounds like an angel. Thank you. Wow. Wow. Audience remarks are on mic tonight.

That's pretty amazing. And Dan Telfer is here. He lives in Evanston. Yeah. Which is like Chicago. Woo, Chicago. Your tweets are often very angry at Chicago. Yeah, I'm pretty done with this city.

I'm so sick of it. I grew up here, and I love it, but at the same time, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you need to change a city a series like go out to Peoria or some shit you guys from Peoria? that's awesome I'm going to be there in a few weeks home of the jukebox comedy club that's where I'm going to be

yeah that'll be fun yeah it's a fun club what a great start shut up Sean Cullen is here Yeah, it's a fun club. What a great start. Shut up. Sean Cullen is here. Thank you. Thank you all.

Speaks only when spoken to. Well, I don't want to jump on anyone else's rant against Peoria. I just like me, and I like to get my chance, and then I say my words. Interesting. That sounds like the tagline for a movie about a college debate or something. You'll get your time to say your words. Use it wisely. It's a really long tag and it's... Just keeps going.

There will be a time for you to get your words. Use it wisely. Coming tuned to selected theaters. I hope yours is selected. The guy, the movie voice never really reaches out with so much empathy at the end. He doesn't care. He doesn't care.

He's just very cold about it in a world. On December 15th, the world, world, and I hope you get to hang out with your family. The rapture. Wear a pair of pants. You'd be proud to leave out with your family. The rapture. Wear a pair of pants. You'd be proud to leave empty in a chair. You'd be proud to leave empty in a chair.

Yes. Don't go to the rapture with a dirty pair of underwear your grandmother's a sinner and would be very disappointed in you cause she'll still be there if she can see that you don't and pack clean underwear

do you want to try the announcer voice Amy? I don't know what you guys are doing just trying to dry you right up. Oh, okay. Yeah. Done and done. You might as well throw sand on it, fellas. Yes.

I got a real litter box going underneath. In a world where boxes are dry as a desert, one man has Vagisil. Will Smith is... Dusty is the crankhead. Will Smith is Dusty Williams. Well-equipped gynecologist. Sorry. Sorry.

Sandtrap. Welcome to the sandbox. Bring a shovel. Brought to you by Vagisil. Keep away from your eyes. So, Amy, you flew in from New York to be here. I appreciate that. And you also... I regret it.

Oh my god. I'm kidding. I would go anywhere. Alright. No, I do. You were like, I'll give it a hotel room And the only room they had left here Was like a wheelchair accessible one Which is awesome it's like retarded big But um

Weird choice of words I'm sorry wait what were you saying There's a ramp to climb up Into your bed Oh god I'm on a lot of Vicodin You guys know that right There's a ramp to climb up into your bed. Oh, God. I'm on a lot of Vicodin. You guys know that, right? I'm on Vikings.

You know what? Instead of retarded, we should just call things stupid because stupid people are less likely to be offended. That's true. Because they're so goddamn stupid. But retarded people are a little smarter than stupid people. And they're like, hey.

No. I think they're more like, hey. I thought you were just going to make no noise at all. I thought that was the whole joke. No, it just took me a long time to register. It was all in the face. Yeah.

It's good for all in the face. It's good for radio, that face. So Amy, according to IMDB, you know, IMDB, there's a there's a movie that you're in called Price Check? Yeah. With Parker Posey?

Yeah. When's that coming out? What's that about? There's a movie that you're in called Price Check? Yeah. With Parker Posey? Yeah. Thank you. When's that coming out? What's that about? It's coming out in like a couple months, and it's about an hour and a half. Guys, who's on? I'm on a lot of Vicodin. I really want you to know that.

I have dental work. It's not recreational. But yeah, I got to film a movie with Parker Posey. You're in scenes with her? Yeah. I got a good, I got to film a movie with Parker Posey. You're in scenes with her? Yeah. I got a good... I'm in the whole movie. Woo!

Woo! Yeah. I was so starstruck. That's awesome. You never know from IMDb. It just says the name of your character. Yeah. It has the picture that was supplied by your people.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know. It's going to be really amazing. I'm like... I guess I'll probably get an Oscar nod or whatever. But that's not why I do that. You know what?

It's about the work. But you know what she means by Oscar nods. She means the dude named Oscar is going to go... He's going to fall asleep right in the middle of the movie. Price check. Thanks, Oscar. price check thanks Oscar but I love her she's like my favorite actor

I've always enjoyed her work so when I saw that you were in a film with her that's why I asked you what she's like yeah well it's not a big deal we're just like best friends now but it's cool to be here too I just miss her so bad right now do you like hanging out and stuff? yeah we've been hanging out at first it wasn't fun Yeah, we're just like best friends now, but it's cool to be here too. I just miss her so bad right now.

Do you like hang out and stuff? Yeah, we've been hanging out. At first it wasn't fun because being around a really famous person that you idolize, she would just talk to me like I was a person, and I'd be like, no, you don't stop treating me like an equal. I worship you. It's exhausting to be around somebody that you want to impress. Not like now when I'm super relaxed. But, you know?

But now I've just gotten to the point where I can hang out with her and not be thinking Parker Pussy, Parker Pussy, Parker Pussy. I'm saying pussy. That's what I thought you were saying. You just sit across from her. That's why it takes you so much energy. Pussy, pussy, pussy.

I hope she doesn't find out about my really dry pussy. Listen, Parker, I was thinking about your name and it's adorable, but have you thought about going with Pussy Pussy? Yeah. I don't know if you want to keep working, but take my advice. Yeah, that was awesome.

And I'm filming another movie. Really? My second movie yes in a two weeks I come out to LA oh okay

and what's it gonna be I don't know I'm lying is it humorous yeah it's funny it's with Steve Carell oh wow yeah

I'm gonna be really famous really soon I'm so glad I jumped on board at just the right time. One day I'll have you on my podcast, Doug. Do you have a podcast? No.

Do you aspire to? I've got big plans. Because you're kind of busy being in movies. That's true. Right. Yeah. But no, all I've been doing, I really do feel a little weird being here

because all I've been doing is watching Game of Thrones. Yes. Like, that's all I... been doing, I really do feel a little weird being here, because all I've been doing is watching Game of Thrones. Like, that's all I... Like, I watch it eight hours in a row, so I don't know what's reality and what's not, you know? It's kind of tough. I don't understand the appeal of House of Charms. I try to watch it.

You don't like it? Peter Dinklage is amazing. Oh, my God. He does the best little person acting because he doesn't overcompensate for his littleness oh see I don't notice I don't see height yeah he doesn't do that to me everyone just really

is like a plateau a lot of dwarfish actors hop a lot that's right I'm mad or I'm happy. Yeah, they hop. Oh, so they don't get crushed? No, so they look taller for an instance at a time. Oh, they don't get crushed.

No way. He's so good. You just got to stay on the move because they're going to get stepped on. Most little people are only this tall. People don't know that. They create the illusion that they're three to four feet tall. You've seen Gulliver's Travels, haven't you?

They're very small. That's a brilliant film. I think it does great. It does justice to the original story. You took the kids? I took my son. You didn't just grab some random kids? No, I gathered children together and I said,

Come in with me and watch someone rape a classic. And by rape I mean stick their cock in it. Ah, good. Peter Dinklage is the best, though. Well, he is. He's overcome a lot of things. First of all, being called Dinklage.

Not a fortunate name. It's a word, if you're a normal person With normal height and stature And someone calls you dinklage That's a bit trying But then if you're tiny In fact dinky

In size Being a dinklage is kind of like an added insult That's why his nickname is Leggy Yeah dinkledgy He just used the last part It hasn't stopped No one will call him that That's why his nickname is Leggy. Leggy? Yeah, think Leggy. He just used the last part. It hasn't stopped.

No one will call him that. It's a terrible thing to call somebody. I call him Din Din. Din Din? Yeah, Din Din. He must always run from you if you look hungry. What do you say to him when dinner's ready? Who says hungry? Din Din Din Din.

Dinner Din Din. Din Din Din Din. Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy. Pussy, pussy. is ready. I did-a-did-a-did-a-did. Did-a-did-a-did. Did-a-did-a-did. Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy. Pussy, pussy. He and Parker Posey are doing a film together called Din-Din and Pussy.

Oh, good. Yeah, no, I saw him for the first time in... Fridays after Ouch. Yes, Amy? Yes. Well, no,

I was going to say the first thing I saw him in was when I fell in love with him and decided if you're going to bang one midge, it's going to be Dinklage. In The Station Agent. Yeah. Which, isn't that a great movie?

And Bobby Cannavale, that's when I fell in love with him. And didn't you just see him in that play? I did. I saw him in The Motherfucker with the Hat. The Motherfucker with the Hat, yeah. But I never, but the first TV show. Which is what they should have called the Adjustment Bureau.

But I love Bobby Cannavale. And I saw him on the street. Oh, we've moved on from Dinklage to a normal-sized person? Yeah, yeah. I think so. No, but I love Dinklage. I can stay on Dinklage to a normal-sized person? Yeah, yeah. I think so. No, but I love Dinklage. I can stay on Dinklage as long as you want. What?

Let him up for air, Amy. Oh, God. That's a true game of thorns. Okay. He has the right height to be playing in the sandbox, though. Oh, God. Thank you. Why is my vagina being called the sandbox?

I don't like this new rep. Well, some child might find something in it that they'd lost. And assumed would never find. Oh. Thanks, guys. I like the idea of someone's son being the stallion who will mount the world. That crazy guy, the Darwugliesis or whoever they are, the horse people. Oh, yeah, the Dothraki. Dothraki.

That show is so fucking good. My son will mount the world. Moon of my life. I have the most enormous pectoral muscles in the world. Ride them. Yeah, that's a pretty intense guy. Yeah, he kills people. He's hot.

Oh, did you see? No, spoilers. I mean, no spoilers Yeah, he kills people. He's hot. The best way. Oh, did you see? Oh. No spoilers. I did no spoilers, but he kills people. He kills someone, slices their throat from ear to ear, and while they're standing there, reaches into that hole and pulls their larynx out with their tongue attached to it, dangles it like that, and throws it on a pile of shit.

An actual pile of shit. Real human shit. Yeah, he has a... It's the shit of the stallion who's going to mount the world. Do you think he could still taste the shit even though his tongue was ripped out of his... Is it like a chicken with his head cut off?

Yeah, he's laying on the ground like, It tastes horrible. But I'm dying, so I guess it's ground like, it tastes horrible. But I'm dying, so I guess it's not that big of a deal. It would have been worse if he took a Popsicle and took the tongue and just licked it for a while.

I don't think they had Popsicles. Yeah, they do. The Dothraki Popsicle. Yeah, yeah. No, he should have been from beyond the wall. He should have ripped his tongue out and then went,

let's see how many licks it takes to get to the center. Of a Tootsie Pop. The ultimate insult. One. Then he falls down. He falls down dead. You guys,

you should be writers for that show. It's a pretty great show, though. If one of them hears this, you're in. You are in. Well, I normally wouldn't want

to talk about a TV program on Doug Loves Movies, but it's not TV, it's HBO. That's right. That is right. It's like a 13-part movie. Are there 13 episodes? I have no idea. There's like 100,000 episodes.

The guy who writes it, though, George R.R. Martin, pretty creepy looking, isn't he? Well, yeah. George R.R. Martin pretty creepy looking isn't he well yeah he's kind of like a round guy you know he jerks off a lot watching the rushes when all the sex is going on he's like

oh this is the best did you read the books because there's so much lesbian fucking in that show lesbians and fucking mother sister

horse yeah everybody's just fucking and it's so weird how the show is I think it's really good it's got all's just fucking and it's so weird how the show is like I think it's really good it's got all this

depth to it yeah it's got these crazy castle scapes and shit but then like classic

pointless HBO fucking yeah you've never wanted to fuck a horse Telfer what

what fuck a horse what I miss that episode that show I've never wanted to but I've had to oh boy that's why I've never wanted to, but I've had to.

Oh boy. That's why I hate Chicago so much. Did you know you have to fuck a horse before you... Horse fuckers on HBO. It's not TV. It's horse fuckers. That show's good. That's definitely getting a nod from Oscar. Oscar Mayer. Oh, that show's good. That's definitely getting a nod from Oscar.

Oscar Mayer. He loves horse fuckers. So, Sean Cullen, you flew in from Canada to be here. I appreciate that. Thank you so much. I didn't have to do it myself. Someone else flew the plane. I'm merely sad of it. That would be terrible if you'd had to go to the trouble of learning to fly just to come here for this one show. I would get to the point

where I wondered what the return would be. Certainly I would now be a qualified pilot, but that would take months, perhaps years. And then I come down here, spend an hour or two with you, and I go, that was $20,000 worth of flying lessons.

And this is it. That's why John Travolta flies. Because he wanted to go to a show. That was just in Look Who's Talking. In another city. What about Look Who's Talking? Wasn't that just his job in that movie?

No, no, he really flies. He flies all kinds of planes he has his license on a 777 he does everything I thought you were making a reference to Michael for a second I really did the angel movie oh yeah that was a great movie

where he dances to Mustang Sally and he's horrible oh my god that's a great movie you're thinking of Grease too no he just kind of does the shuffle dance in a roadhouse. You look really good right now. With his big wings on, it's awesome. That's like the first movie where you realize John Travolta was now built like a tank.

Oh, he's a gigantic, big man. He's a wild man. He's in overalls in a lot of it, right? Yeah. Well, I have to find something that will accommodate his waist. It's comfortable angel wear to have overalls on. You wear sweatpants

a lot for no reason. Like the girl, the X-Men that has wings in the new X-Men movie, she works in a strip club when they first find her. Oh. Because then,

you know, then your wings are completely unencumbered when you're naked for a living. She just paints them like moles on her back.

I feel sad. It is sad. When she's not trying to fly around, they just sit on her back and her back looks normal. Oh. Well, that's handy. Yeah, yeah.

That'd be a great way to be a stripper. You would lap dances. You would just kind of fly around. Yeah, you could sort of hover over it. Or it would also be great for taking a dump in a public restaurant. That's way sexier than my idea. That would be great, though. Flying around at night.

Flying around at night. Hang on, I'm taking a shit. Flying and shitting. It's a brilliant thing. I mean birds that is the one great thing that is what they do their best thing they can just shit wherever

the sky is their toilet oh my god that's why they made it a girl with the wings because if it was a guy he would just fly around with no pants on and shit on everybody

oh yeah he needs to have a fly around and drop heat on everybody in here right now are you serious no

a guy not me he certainly would with their powers they don't play enough practical jokes around and drop heat on everybody in here right now? Are you serious? No, a guy. With their powers, they don't play enough practical jokes. This is the thing. They're too busy being concerned about having powers to really take advantage of it. Well, the guy who can teleport, the crazy kind of guy who can teleport, wouldn't you teleport a piece

of shit under someone just when they're about to sit down? That'd be awesome. And they're like, oh! What is that? Oh. Teleporter. Or Magneto. Wouldn't you just pull everybody's zippers

down all the time? Flying low. Oh, Magneto! Again? Well, the mutants are all supposed to get their powers when they're like 13 years old. Like, wouldn't you totally just like being an asshole? Yeah, they'd all be doing their superpower while masturbating.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just trying. Yeah, like Mystique trying to look like some dude she thinks is hot while she jerks it. We're going to lose Amy if we keep talking about this. I'm lost.

Like sands through the hourglass. Oh, so good. Days of our lives. These are the grains through the crevasse. No, I love hearing you guys talk. I can actually feel my clitoris suck up into my body. So can I. I'm about at my esophagus right now.

It's so huge that I felt it moving. And it's not even mine. You kind of realized it was like a proper prehensile appendage. Even through you, I can feel it. You can feel my clit, Sean? Who can? It's a psychic wonder. I was hoping that this is what we were talking about.

I'm sorry. It's movies. Parker Pussy. The new X-Men is pretty sexy though. Is it? All the girls in it are cute.

Is Jennifer Lawrence in it? They figure out different ways to get them in their underwear and paint her boobs blue, Jennifer Lawrence.

Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. I always love that. Smurf fetish that you got going. Yeah, I've always been like I would totally fuck Smurfette if she was regular size.

You don't want a little dinklage? If she wasn't just a little Smurf, then I would totally make love to her. And when I came, I'd go, Gargamel! Like, you don't do that anyway. I didn't see it yet. Do they explain why Mystique's got reptile scales or whatever?

Do they explain it? Yeah, because in the comic book, she's just blue. And then in the movies, they started making her all like a blue Komodo dragon for some reason. I think it's kind of a chameleon reference. Oh, okay. Shimmering in scales. Yeah, she looks like a Game of Thrones. Or a shimmer of scales.

Or a cat of mice. He doesn't know what it's called either. Meow. So Sean, you were in a motion picture called The Love Guru. Yeah, that was a great movie. That's because Mike Myers is a very good friend of mine. I got in a huge part in that movie. That's because Mike Myers is a very good friend of mine.

I got in a huge part in that movie. I played the referee in it. Guys, come on. The referee? Remember? Remember? They play a lot of rugby in it, right? They play games with a horse stick.

Anyway, there's a lot of hockey in it. I never went to see the movie because I didn't feel like it. And they told me, friends went to see it, and told me that they had dubbed my voice out

and put another person's voice in over me. That was the final insult for me. I can't yell loud enough to be the referee or in a way that they thought was hilarious. So they dug me out. That was good.

They really... Could you do an impression of the voice they put in instead? I've never seen the movie. You did say that. I would do a... You're out of here! That's pretty loud. And, you did say that. I would go, you're out of here! Right? That's pretty loud.

Yeah, yeah, that's good. And then they made it louder. You're out of here! Oh, that's way better. It's like a dwarf. No, it's not like a dwarf. It might be one of the Lord of the Rings dwarves.

They replaced you with Dinklage. Yeah, Dinklage. Dinklage's voice, which is powerful, huge, rolls out like a bell across a glass landscape. That's beautiful.

A glanscape? A glasscape. What about Jessica Alba? Did you meet her? Nope. Justin Timberlake? Nope. That guy from Weeds? What? Do you meet any elephants? Do you get to hang out with crazy animals?

Did you ever meet the guy who played Etta B.C. on Oz? Is that a... No He was also on Lost He was on Lost too And he got a DUI over there Because that's what they all did What do you do in your spare time Lost cast members?

Oh we go out and get DUIs We get fucking drunk and drive around for a little bit You know we're living in paradise, right? There's not much else to do. Aren't you guys rich? Why don't you get a fucking ride? Yeah, right? I never understand. Paris Hilton and all that stuff. I don't understand why they aren't just

driven everywhere. They want to drive their own car. Because it's so much fun. Texting and driving and holding a dog are fun things to do all at once. Especially when you're drunk. Yeah. The dog is drunk. So Dan Telfer,

thank you so much for walking across the street to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He lives under the stage. I even live in South Evanston, which is like an even shittier version of Rogers Park. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Rogers Park is not shitty, my friend. No, no, no, no.

There's hippies and stuff. It's delightful. This place is a wonderland. Harlan Cafe. It's beautiful. It's like a dream wrapped in a delight and stuffed into a broken glass pile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if that'll be funnier to the podcast listeners

because they won't hear the crashing glass right before you say it. So it'll be like an even bigger non sequitur. Or they'll be thinking, what's this obsession with glass? I have a dream of glass. It comes from sand. And then it changes its state into a beautiful, transparent, shimmering, glowing, sweet, sweet solid. Did you ever hear how when lightning hits glass, or sand, it turns into glass?

Yeah. When I was a little kid, I thought that was the only way you could make glass. So there was like... My father had a lightning factory. Really? I always wanted to visit a lightning factory. I really did. And that was like when I was going to Catholic school. I actually got really mad at the church because I thought

that they were like, it was like this decadent class. I was like, it's already hard enough to hit sand with lightning. Why are you making all these fancy fucking colors? I was the dumbest five-year-old. You weren't mad at them? But beautiful. But beautiful. Well, my father was Zeus.

Oh! Are you Perseus? I'm a demigod. Oh, that's so great. No, I'm Sean. I'm not anyone but who I am. Oh, yeah, yeah. I just have some minor god powers.

So did he, like, fuck your mom on your stepdad? Well, he would turn her into a swan and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But did your stepdad, like, dump you and your mom in a casket in the middle of the sea? Well, yeah, it wasn't really a casket. It was more like a pail with a lid. A big one, though.

He was a god. He could carry it. And then did Hades kill your family? No, Hades really was a very nice person. He's a lion now. Look, Clash of the Titans. Traveling pants movies, go.

Thank you so much for bringing that up. It's so funny, every time a new girl would get the pants, she'd have to dump all the sand out and then... Really? Full circle? And then they fit magically. That's what I call my pussy. Full circle. I like that America Ferrara

was supposed to fit in the same shit as me. Hey, I did not say it. I did not say that. All women of all sizes are beautiful. Except for... But it was also stretching reality. Yeah, that seemed...

No, but you know, they make a lot of those pants. They stretch on you a little bit. Sure! They're traveling so much. They're going to fluctuate. I want traveling pants. They expand in the hull of the plane. That's true. But that's funny what you said about making glass.

When I'm on the road, I get really bored and I was walking past the library a couple weeks ago and I saw that seminar at three, learn how to make paper. So I went because I thought they meant in the urban way. I was like, fuck yeah! Talabilt, y'all. Exactly, but it was not. It was very

Amish. No offense to your Amish listeners. Their buggy might be passing someone listening to this. They all listen to it when they're on Romspringa. And then they never return to their tribe. Are they called tribes? Yes. They set them on a whole new course.

Yeah, it's very... It really opens their mind to all the possibilities of sad pussy and... That's right. Glass. Tongues ripped out and thrown on a pile of shit. You know what would be funny?

I think you should... Who are you going to use to dub Sean's voice on this podcast? I've got this guy who's louder. Okay. That I think will be great.

Louder, faster. Sean's not shouting enough. Yeah, Sean. I's not shouting enough. I'm not. Yeah, see, your replacement would be like, I'm not! Boom, boom, boom. You hear their footsteps.

Who wants chocolates? It's a weird thing to yell at people. Yeah, but it sounds awesome. Which one of you motherfuckers wants a chocolate? Now we're talking. And you know what? The response would just be... You're still going to want one, even though it sounds scary. Are there nuts in them?

No nuts! So nuts, son of a bitch! Mint! Mint! Oh, so I... Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes. What do you have to add that has nothing to do with movies? Actually, it does.

Because I was going to say, you asked about movies they've been in, and I haven't been in any movies, obviously. Oh, yeah, let me ask you. I didn't follow up with my... I said, thanks for walking across the street. Have you seen any movies? Yeah! I was going to say

that like, yeah, but I was in New Orleans when Nicolas Cage got, when he was filming a movie there. Me too! And he got arrested for punching a car while he was shit-faced. And I actually saw him filming the movie

on the streets in the French Quarter that day. And he has never looked more frightening and shitty. That's impressive. You should put that on your IMDb page. Yeah, my IMDb page is just like, by one credit, a self-produced short film I made about an insult of just Nick Cage. It's all in the title. Nick Cage looks like a piece of leather with a wig. That's the name of this movie I self-produced.

I got another small festival. That was the plot of Wicker. I saw Bridesmaids. That movie's fucking awesome. Best movie ever. Right? Yeah. Wait, your whole story about Nicolas Cage

is that you saw him and he looked weird? That's the whole story? I would have gone far. I could have said that even though it didn't happen to me. Well, like it blocked off the whole street and like they were yelling at us to shush. Like everyone, like I

was trying to get to why I was in New Orleans and they... Yeah, you were trying to get some beads and drink a hurricane and screaming at you to be quiet. More HBO. But yeah, it's not a very exciting story.

Like, they just yelled at us and held us up. Like, this whole street full of people trying to go places and then we saw him run by.

That was horrible. That's like a story my mom would tell me. Yeah. And I'd be like, I'm busy, mom. But she would make you guess Nicolas Cage's name, though.

Yes, that's true. She would make a little game for me. A whole thing where you finally get to the name and then the whole story is he ran by. Yes, that's true. She would make a little game for me. A whole thing where you finally get to the name and then the whole story is he ran by. Well, I killed the story

because you asked me if I saw a movie and I thought I would just change gears. I have a worse story than that. I have a worse story. I haven't seen movies but I know someone

who saw Catfish. Is that bad? No, they said it was really good. Oh. It's alright. As research for this podcast, I asked them if they liked Catfish. They did.

You come prepared. Yeah, I came to play. I appreciate that about you. You got it. I saw Jackass 3 last night. You did what? Jackass 3, I rented it last night. You did?

Yeah, it was good. That's what you do when you're drunk? I wasn't that drunk last night. You were hammered. I had two beers. Exactly. You had two of those beers that are 9% not beer or whatever. It's 9% the blood of Rasputin.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you see images that aren't there. Stuff like that. It's filled with wild dreams. I just wonder why I woke up with my head in a river. Oh, jeez. I tried to kill you last night. I dreams. I just wonder why I woke up with my head in a river. Oh, jeez. I tried to kill you last night. I know.

I shot you. I stabbed you. You tried to rapture me. I tried to rapture you, and then I electrocuted you. And you kept getting up and saying, Where is Anastasia? And then you walked away. So, Doug. I would have hoped I'd make more help

Have you seen any movies? I saw Super 8 already So did I Which is about the motel It came out today Yes it's about a very It's a motel with a secret The secret is

Don't stay there Whatever you do motel with a secret. The secret is, don't stay there. Whatever you do. You've been working too hard. I don't have a lot of time to see movies lately because I mostly just sit around reading Alec Baldwin's tweets aloud, but I whisper when I say them.

And if I had one fired up, I would do it for you right now. But if you just whisper them, everybody sounds like Alec Baldwin. It's fun to do. You don't have any? I don't know any of his tweets offhand. Maybe can you whisper something that he maybe would have tweeted to his daughter? His tweets are all along the lines of like,

The GOP can suck my DIC. That's good. Nice. I am good. Nice. I am paraphrasing. He didn't say that specifically. Leave off the last K for savings. He might run for office, he's claiming. Yeah, mayor.

Which would be the best speeches. Jack Donaghy giving speeches. Oh, God. He's got my vote. America needs a third kind of heat. He's got my vote. America needs a third kind of heat. I bet you that Alec Baldwin could trick into America

into thinking he's the hardcore Republican that he plays on that show and then get into office and then just be a full-blown liberal. It would be hilarious. You're right. That is frightening. Because he's so good on that show

being that character. Oh, man. Yeah, is he officially leaving the show? Did he say that? He says that every year. He's like, oh, I'm only going to do one more, or whatever. But there's nothing, it's perfect for him. I love it. I love it. He could do a movie or two on hiatus, and then, you know,

in a few years he could run for mayor. Speaking of that show, Tracy Morgan's in it. Oh boy, yeah. Yeah, no, so what, I didn't even really follow through on it because everyone's outraged by something Tracy Morgan said. Tracy Morgan is the last person to be in charge of what Tracy Morgan

is going to say. He just exudes, I'm just going to say the most shocking things possible, and in that silly Tracy Morgan voice, and it's lovable. So what did he say? Do you know? He said, well, it was in a club in

Tennessee, somewhere in Nashville, and he said, he said, if my son was gay, I'd stab him to death. Yeah, he went on this really long rant. That was part of it. That premise was part of the special he just had on HBO, of like, if you can take. Yeah, that was part of it. But that was like, that premise was part of the special he just had on HBO,

of like, if you can take a dick, you can take a joke. Like, that was sort of the punchline on his special. If you can take a dick, you can take a knife. It's a lot like a dick. That's pretty harsh

that he would stab his kid for being gay, but, you know, what he does in the privacy of his own stabbing room is... That's right. God wouldn't have given us knives if he didn't mean us to stab our gay children.

At least he didn't shoot him first and then stab him. That cruel game that you play on your throne. Shoot him and then stab the hole with a knife. That's what I thought you were getting at. Let's push the hole with a knife that's what I thought you were getting at let's push the bullet in a little further

with a knife you gotta have a really precision stab but you can do it well if you put a bullet on the end of a knife and then force that bullet into the that takes the whole you don't even have to go to a gun show to get a gun my dad was so tough He didn't own a gun

He just had a pocket full of bullets That he forced into people with his thumb Wow that is a badass That's right Was he Amish? Yes they were wooden bullets He was Amish And he's like I bet you're asking yourself

Do I have eight bullets or 45 bullets? Do you feel lucky? Nine. I had a blister on my thumb this morning. Or did I?

You feel lucky? Alec Baldwin from New York Mayor. I want to put my thumb against your city. It would be really hard to convince someone to stand still that long so you could kill them by pushing bullets in with your thumb. Well, you have to trap them against

some surface. Some hard surface like a wall or a several posts. This will only hurt for ten minutes. I think I said that I saw Super 8. Yeah, you did. or a several posts. I think I said that I saw Super 8. Yeah, you did. I saw it too. I think I mentioned it. I saw it a few days ago and I tweeted

that anything that I have to say that's bad about the movie, because I enjoyed it and I recommend it, but I don't I'm not entirely on board. But the things I didn't like about it are hard to talk about without spoiling it. Because I think it is a fun movie to not really know

where the fuck it's going. Can you say a good monster? Can you at least say that was a good... See what you're doing to me? You just said monster. I don't know anything about it! I don't know! I haven't read anything! A well-executed monster,

or a good, as in righteous, monster? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, exactly. I'm talking about his alignment, like Dungeons & Dragons. Dungeons & Dragons. Is he a lawful evil? Right. Or is he a chaotic neutral? Which is the ultimate alignment to have. Do the characters have to roll a dice before they fight it?

I wish. That would be fantastic. Oh, you just gave away way too much. I know. I shouldn't have given away that there's no dice rolling. Now I won't see it. In Super 8. I will say this, if you haven't seen it and you haven't heard

this that I'm about to say, then do what I'm about to say because I told you. That's your whole font, right? Stay through the end credits. Not for some bullshit scene at the end where they go, there's a hammer in the desert and that's the whole scene.

I'm talking about... Is that about my vagina again? I'm talking about one of the most entertaining, creative things about the movie is during the end title. So stay for that. Do stay in your seat. I didn't.

And you don't even have to stay to the very end. Did you really get up and leave? Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm not a patient man. When I tell you what it is, you're going to be like, you're going to go back and sit through the whole thing again. No. Probably not.

You will not believe who the best boy grip is. Oh, Jesus. Is it? cause first of all They innovate And they make One title Best boy grip Right

Best grip Crazy Best grip boy Like you wouldn't believe Best gaffer grip boy He was gripping boys Best grip boy And then somebody stabbed him

The Tracy Morgan story Tracy Morgan stabbed him Yeah I hate they took that Out of context. His son, if he was gay, would be a Russian priest. Yes. If my son was gay, I'd stab him with my penis. See, that'd be less offensive.

Yeah, he started talking about fucking a kangaroo with a pumpkin before he went on that rant. Like, who really is going to listen to Tracy Morgan and be like, this is gospel. Like, it's probably a joke, right? What kind of Halloween did you have at your house, Dan? I fuck a kangaroo with a pumpkin. Yeah, this is probably my least favorite Dr. Seuss book.

Pumpkin fucker? Kangaroo pumpkin fucker. He didn't enjoy writing it either. It's even worse than the Lorax. The things you will do with this young kangaroo pumpkin fucker. He didn't enjoy writing it either. Oh, the places you'll go. It's even worse than the Lorax. The things you will do with this young kangaroo. Put a pumpkin in his pouch. What a douche. Douche?

D apostrophe ouch, yeah, yeah. It really is a shame that pouch and douche don't rhyme Because A lot of hip hop artists Would be like feet on desk It's like Is it just me Or does every other hip hop song have a reference To Inception like one year later

Like why did it take so long? And why did they think that would still be an awesome reference? Like, what's that big dance song now where it's like, like, Inception, you got me dreamin', or something? Exactly, and then there's another one where it's virtually, practically the same line. It sounds like they didn't even understand the movie, too. It's just like, pretty girls are my dreams, and this one movie had them, too. Like, great. didn't even understand the movie too it's just like pretty girls are my dreams and this one movie had them too like great i will say this about super eight i that's doug's rap name i know let's talk more about this movie we can't possibly have any like nouns like it's all just like if you

saw a thing and you like things then and and the she you're with is a lady the she you're with is a lady. The she I'm with is a lady. She's driving me crazy. Got my feet on the couch. Now I call her a douche. Gonna pour me a douche. Is the only thing that rhymes with douche Lyndon LaRouche? Yes.

Smooch. Amuse bouche and you're a douche. That could be a rap about the guy from Hell's Kitchen. Douche. Kitchen's Nightmares. Like Rosie O'Donnell. Kitchen of Thrones. What's it called?

Really close. It's called Sisterfucking. Yeah, Sisterfucking. Now we're talking. Ugh. Hey, do you guys want to get in that big pot of hot water with, what's his name, Tracy Jordan?

Tracy Jordan. That's what he should be like, Tracy Jordan said that. That wasn't me. I just want to get you pregnant. And he said that to, what's her name, Barbara Walters on The View. I lost my mind.

He wanted to get her pregnant. She's like, that would be a miracle. But the thing about Super 8 is that... To me, it's just like... I saw the Michael Bay trailer again today for Transformers Rise of the Apes. Here's my problem. I want to talk about Rise of the Planet of the Apes

okay good we will talk about it but let me say this about Super 8 before I have to say bring it up again for the 15th time I love every movie

with the word super in it first of all and secondly like your movie Doug? no like super Superman Superman Returns how about the movie

The Super? that's not so good The point I want to make about this movie is that you care about the characters enough that their jeopardy, their danger that they get into

I think I can say that much safely is very scary and frightening especially for a PG-13. I thought they did a good job with it. And I just think someone like Michael Bay should pay attention to J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg and put some characters in a Transformers movie

that we give a shit about and are interested in watching what's going to happen to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just supposed to care about robots. You're just supposed to cry because robots. You're just supposed to cry because Bumblebee might get part of his... I know. Vendor bent.

Yes. They all look like squished grasshoppers. It's the problem I have with this second trio of Star Wars movies. There's no people in danger ever doing it. It's all drones. And salamanders. Versus computer animated salamander

Rastafarians. There's no people at stake anywhere doing anything. And they have no emotion. They talk about things that make no sense whatsoever. In the first Star Wars movie, when I was 12, I went to see that and I was like, this is amazing.

These people are... It's a great story. It's a perfect story. And then it fucking ruins itself. Slowly over the next five movies. Well, it's also hard to just I think the whole prequel, the notion of the prequel is just a bizarre

idea. The actors that played the parts are older, like have younger characters come into it, but like have the you know, like I mean they tried to pass Shia LaBeouf off as the new Indiana Jones. That didn't really work out. But, I'm just saying that like X-Men, I saw

that, X-Men First Class, and it's, they do things in it that are so much more amazing than anything that happens in any other X-Men or Wolverine. And it's like, and no one stands around in those later movies going, you know, shit's gotten a lot easier as we get older. There's a lot less making entire submarines fly through the air.

You know, a lot more close-up stuff, you know, where we just sort of fight in one room. It doesn't make any sense to have a story start and then branch out into all these ways and then go, you know what? Let's start another story behind that and try and fail to link everything up and justify everything that's already

happened in the future. It's fucking impossible. Why doesn't C-3PO... By the time he's in Star Wars The New Hope, you'd think he'd be used to being shot at and fucking being chased around by stormtroopers and having a fucking horrible life.

But he's like, oh, I don't believe it. I don't even know who you are. What's your name? I'm not following you anywhere. I'm going over here. You've already had 3,000 adventures with R2. But he had his memory erased, right? And that's like the same thing

they do to Wolverine. Like, Wolverine also had his memory, like when you make a prequel, like, oh, this character's brain fell out of his asshole. Like, that's why he doesn't remember how awesome everything used to be. That's why Wolverine doesn't remember

he had a slapstick Buster Keaton adventure in a farmer's bathroom. Like, that's... That was good. That was like the shittiest movie scene I've ever seen in my life. Where Wolverine discovers he's now got steel claws. And he's like,

and he cuts up a toilet. And he's like ripped. He's like, I don't know how this happened. But there are some good origin moments in X-Men. Like little moments that are actually done well. It's faithful to the whole universe,

but it's just weird. The two main guys that'll grow up to be Magneto and Professor X are great actors. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender. It's kind of like

X-Men is kind of like X-Men meets Inglourious Bastards. I love Inglourious Bastards. It's kind of got some wish fulfillment, kind of like, you know, well, if only we had special powers against the Nazis. And, yeah, so it's kind of bittersweet, because we didn't...

We had to actually fight a war, but but couldn't just have a guy standing on a beach in a helmet going I love that he has to wear a helmet I think that's amazing it's metal too and he's a metallic man

he's got magneto powers I want to know what listeners think I did right there. They know. He's standing on a beach going, could have been a lot of things. They know. It's just like, if you guys heard the

show, the last show that I did, the Douglas movies in New York City, there was a moment where Wayne Fetterman brought up Minority Report and my bit about Minority Report, I want to show you guys. I'll show one audience at a time until everybody's seen it.

But during Tom Cruise's Minority Report, I wished I could have gone up to the screen and went... Doug is waving and fixing the screen with his palms you'd be a sweet mind Doug describe it all you want

it's much more magical if you see it I don't know I just don't I love science fiction so when they do it badly it really makes me angry but Minority Report is a stupid, all-around stupid premise. Isn't it?

And there's a really weird scene in it. I barely remember. Remember his child is stolen? His child is stolen. Well, that's how every Tom Cruise movie starts. With his child being stolen. His child is gone. Go. That's why he's just running all the time and very excited. But his child is stolen. His child is gone. Go. That's why he's just running all the time

and very excited. His child is stolen from a swimming pool or something. They're in a public pool and he goes under the water and he comes up and his son is gone. Then they catch the guy or a guy who says he's the guy and the guy says, what did you do with him? I put him in a

can and I put the lid on and an oil drum and I dropped him in a can, and I put the lid on, and an oil drum, and I dropped him in the ocean. And it's like, oh. You're lying. Yeah, I took the can back out, and opened it,

and then I... You're thinking men at work. No. The band. With Charlie Sheen, Amelia Weston, or the Adventure Mike Sandon Yeah The only time The brothers were together

I heard something like that The only time The brothers were together Holy shit Oh my god Holy shit That was awesome And I was trying to think

Of a movie the other day And I kept describing it And my brother-in-law Kept saying The Burbs But it's not The Burbs It was with Dan Aykroyd Neighbors

Playing a judge Neighbors. And he played like a bunch of, and John Kerr. Yeah, nothing but trouble. Nothing but trouble. Nothing but trouble. That was one of those when HBO would play a movie

a million times, you know? You'd like watch that movie by accident. That's a movie where Dan Aykroyd's got a prosthetic nose that looks exactly like a penis. I hope so. It is so fucking scary.

Yeah, it was really scary. Made me never want to see a real penis. And really funny, too. Yeah, it was good. Let's see what Leonard Maltin thinks of it. Yeah, it was really scary. Made me never want to see a real penis. And really funny, too. Yeah. It was good. Let's see what Leonard Maltin thinks of it. I guarantee you he gave it a bomb. There's no way

he didn't give it a bomb. What's it called? Nothing But Trouble? Nothing But Trouble. Is Demi Moore in that? Yeah. Jesus. Chubby Chase. Humpty Dance. They do the Humpty Dance in it. They do the Humpty Dance. Tupac was in that movie? Oh my god I know him as

Mackey Valley That is like the best Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon movie Yeah that links a lot of people I don't Have you seen that

Ice-T has got his own show now with his wife? How do you go from cop killer to that? I'll tell you how Tyler Perry

I guess so He can find it Did Tyler Perry. I guess so. Did Tyler Perry win the show? I don't know. What does his wife do? Does she just play a pile of sweaty balloons? I guess. I don't understand. Who wants to watch other people anymore?

It's a reality show. I just don't listen to them and hear that they're doing motions I can't see. I don't listen to them and hear that they're doing motions I can't see. I don't like people. That guy is celebrating hatred. Around what time do you think Nothing But Troll came? Oh, I found it. I totally found it.

Totally a bomb. Ice tea, not Ice Cube, right? No, Ice Tea. The year is 91. Ice tea. And people in the audience are having their own personal victory over that. 91, we did it! We're up front, we have name tags, this is going to be great!

So you don't get picked. I have nothing to do with who gets picked. People write to me on Twitter, who are you going to pick? And I'm like, I don't do it. Leonard gave it Bomb. That's correct. Bomb! What did he give the movie I'm Going to Get You Sucka? That's what I want to know.

You guys don't know that movie? The Wayans Brothers? Come on. That movie's awesome. That's a funny one, right? Yeah, that was a great movie. Chris Rock, ladies. Chris Rock, yeah. You're thinking New Jack City. So you're saying like...

He did that one jumping jack and then went straight down to the floor. Does that movie turn your sandbox into an aquarium? Yeah. I like the brothers. The Wayans brothers, not black people. Don't be weird. Yeah, they don't count. Got one of those.

Be embarrassing if your farts sounded like you were disgusted with something. Boo. Stupifyingly unwatchable What's that? I'm gonna get you sucka? No, nothing but trouble Oh, nothing but trouble?

Yeah, who are the Who are the people Or maybe one of you guys Who are the two people Who dressed up in fat suits And were giant babies And like mud wrestled? Who are the two actors?

I wanna know who has to Carry that shame In that movie? It was John Candy John Candy And Ackroyd That's John Candy and Ackroyd. That's great. Taylor Negron was in it.

Taylor Negron. That was his bit in the movie The Punchline. Oh my god, that movie. The stand-up in that movie is the worst of all time. Oh, it's great because Tom Hanks is going to be in a contest to go on The Tonight Show, and he says, I wrote a new set this afternoon.

I know. And I'm going to try it out during the competition to be on The Tonight Show. Yeah, it's an amazing movie. Check it out. It's good. I think it's Netflix Instant Watch, actually, Punchline. It's what? If you want to watch Punchline and experience the realism of stand-up comedy, it's a Netflix Instant Watch, actually, Punchline. If you want to watch Punchline and experience

the realism of stand-up comedy, it's a Netflix Instant Watch movie. Wow, what is this? Is that some sort of advertisement you're slipping in? I love Netflix Instant Watch because I have this... Because you can watch instantly? Is that why you love it? You should make the name more clear.

Yeah, yeah. Why do you love it so much? Well, because when it first came out, I was like, oh, who wants to watch a fucking movie on a computer? But then I have this vagina-drying machine called an Xbox, and then it got an app on it, so you can watch it on there. So I watch it on my TV, too, so that's pretty awesome. It's the best thing ever.

You can stream movies with the thing. Tell us more about this amazing service that I've never heard about before. Everyone, go home and Google. Sounds incredible. There's no way you've ever heard of it. Doesn't it take 17 days to download Dinner for Schmucks? I just picked a title that would be funny.

I like that. I never understood why they called the movie Dinner for Schmucks? I just picked a title that would be funny. I never understood why they called the movie Dinner for Schmucks. Because you bring schmucks to dinner. Isn't that the idea? Oh, yeah. Schmuck means penis. No, it doesn't. Yeah, in Yiddish.

That's where it came from. Yeah. Doug is bilingual. There's some angry Yiddish people here like, no! A moil stands up from the back. Curious. Throws this merkin on the table. Throws this manischewitz down, threatening Doug with a bottle.

There was a sketch when Al Franken was on Saturday Night Live, he had a sketch that he wrote with the word schmuck in it, and the NBC censor says you can't use that because it means penis. It's a true thing. And then all these years later, everyone just forgot about the word schmuck, and nobody really uses it for anything. And then suddenly this movie comes out called Dinner for Schmucks, and I watched all of it, and I felt like a schmuck because they never even say the word schmuck,

or we're having a dinner for schmucks. They go, we're having a dinner for assholes, or they use other words the whole time. They never even say the word schmucks. That's what I paid for. You wanted to see some cock. To hear the word schmucks and to see some cock. It would have been a good show

if they were trying to stick food into penises. Yeah, that would have been awesome. A really big movie. Spread the urethro. It's Ram. That's not how you guys plunge down a cellar or something up there. Or a corn dog. That's actually probably pretty

smooth. Yeah. And it's got a stick for retrieval. Yeah. Oh, come on. Like it's worse to pull the food out than leave it in there. It's so gross. Yeah, well, okay pull the food out than leave it in there. Like, oh, that's so gross. Yeah, well, okay, just leave the corndog in your penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're totally right, you guys.

Leave the corndog in your penis and get out of here! Wow, that is the weirdest referee I've ever seen. I know, huh? What kind of competition was that? I think we're going to need Samuel L. Jackson to come in and do those lines over. Samuel L. Jackson.

Samuel L. Jackson. Yeah, he'll come in after the podcast credits in a little eyepatch and he'll read up everything for you. I actually did his voice in the movie Snakes on a Plane. And then they dubbed over his real voice. With your voice? Which I thought was a good idea. You were great in that. Get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane.

Ah, so much better when you say it. Yeah, he wasn't calm enough when he said it. No, I don't think so.

You really put a new spin on it. Well, I think he's thinking about the snakes and the plane. And he doesn't sound like it when he does it

in his own voice. Do it, do it if Michael Caine were to say it. Get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane. Now a British mobster. You

get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane. I'm going to cut your fucking face open. Wow. And since comedy works in threes, let's play the Leonard Maltin game. I think it's this one.

Oh yeah, sure. And the giant Bristol board starts rising out of the audience. Oh my god, look at all the signs. These are amazing. We got Matt. Matt loves doobies. Something got...

Things are being... Oh, somebody's got a gun, and they're shooting little foam bullets onto the stage. Amy's dragging in the prizes. Oh, he hit him in the stage. Amy's dragging in the prizes. Oh, hit him in the eye. Oh, I got something you can shoot back at them. Yeah, I'll give Sean a woot monkey to shoot

at those people. Oh, woot monkey! Oh, woot monkey! Oh, a monkey! Oh, shit, where's my woot monkeys? Oh, I hope I didn't forget. Oh, there's a monkey. I'm excited because I haven't seen the woot monkey yet. He looks way happier than I thought from listening to it on the podcast. Yeah, hit the foam gun, motherfucker.

Ow! Thanks, Sean. Oh, yeah, I gotta get a thing. Yeah, everybody pick a name tag. I lose. It's an amazing array of prizes. You have one already, Amy? I got one.

Amy has Chelsea. The girl, like, clearly knows that I suck at this game because she, like, didn't want to give it to me. And she just brought her name tag from her school. She's from work. Communities in school, Chicago. Chelsea Richer of the Active Transportation Alliance.

Table 14. They tell you what table to sit at? Whatever you do, do not cross the Active Transportation Alliance. They will fuck you. Yeah, the Sedentary Transportation Alliance, you can mess with them day and night, but the active ones, they will be so up in your shit.

The active ones. Oh, my God. There you go. So Chelsea is who you're playing for. You can even wear that around your neck. That's kind of why I picked it, because I'm lazy. Get it going.

And look at this. Dan picked Brian Volume 2, and it looks like the Kill Bill logo. So that was fun. Somebody went to some creative effort and you rewarded it instead of just picking somebody that brought a badge from their active transportation coalition. I couldn't see the badge.

I just thought that she looked nice. The blood splatter is hand painted on the Kill Bill volume 2 too. Yeah, it's fucking rad, man. Psycho. And then Chelsea, do you need this badge? Is your name Marty? No, it's's Brian so shut up You didn't come to party And Sean is playing for Kristen

With a C Unless it's with a K normally But the Cubs aren't spelled with a K So she went with a C That's how they spell them in Germany Do you like the Cubs Sean? Well I enjoy them I like cubs.

I just hope one day they grow up into huge bears. And fly through people's windows. Oh yeah, so that's one of the prizes I brought. That is a poster for Pod Racing that I bought before I saw Star Wars Episode I. And everybody signed it. And everybody signed it. We all signed it. Yeah, there's me and Sean and Dan and Amy Schumer, and we also got Anthony Daniels.

Play C-3PO. Oh, wow, there's much more prizes. Oh, yeah. I'm not going to sign anything. That's my new favorite album Amy brought a bunch of cookbooks for some reason No, I brought a pressure cooker Oh, okay

So that's a pressure cooker And we all signed the pressure cooker Yeah, we signed that too We did sign it You have a lot of things around your home People are going to be like, why are there signatures all over your things The strangest burglars came in last night.

They tagged our crockery and left. What is this, Amy? Some sort of album? It's a new album. It's my favorite new album. My Silence? It Only Happens at Night? Yeah, they were big at Pitchfork. That sounds horrifying.

I got it. I liked it at jasonfork. That sounds horrifying. I got it. I liked it at jasonsteinmusic.com, and I am obsessed with it. It's really good. The chick on, wait, can I see it? I think she just did, I think she might even be from Chicago. Sharon Van Etten.

Do you guys know her? Yeah. It's called My Silence. It Only Happens at Night. And I brought my album. Yeah, we've got a copy of Cutting, her CD. We've got a copy of Cutting, her CD. We've got my CD, as always.

We've also got the people from IFC Films gave me copies of Dead Snow and the Art of the Steel. I love Dead Snow. Yeah, did you see Dead Snow? I did. It's amazing. Oh, right on. Last time I was in Chicago doing a show here, this one's going to be called Back in Chicago, of course, but the last time I had a fellow named Nathan Rabin.

Rabin. Rabin, yeah, I know. We went back and forth. Every time I tried to say it, I got it wrong. He's with the AV Club and has a book called My Year of Flops, and it's the copy that they gave me. I've read all of it, and I want to pay it forward. And I even have some notes in here, things that I wrote down.

Let me see what I wrote down when I was totally high one time reading this book. You know, like I wrote notes down to prepare for when I interviewed him. I had certain things I wanted to ask him about. Are you sure you wrote notes down? I know, right? I can't find any of them. Wow. I must have used spy ink. I totally wrote some stuff in here, you guys.

I erased it. I'll find it. I'll find it. Hang on to it. You guys stay still. Bridesmaids was really good Right? Oh yeah, the last time I did this podcast I raved about it I thought it was fucking great

Because Kristen Wiig She's really funny in a whole bunch of movies And has the smallest part in all those movies. And I'm always just like, oh, someone give her something. And then she fucking knocked that one all over the place.

She wrote that shit. I know. Yeah. Give her more movies. In the section, in the section marked, I'm Miller. Joe versus the volcano.

Woo! Now that's a movie. I wrote at the bottom of the page in quotes, I have no response to that. Great. Good reminder. So that was worth all that time. Thank God you went to you.

All that trouble. Yeah, we talked about Meg Ryan for like half of that show. People say they like long podcasts, so I'm giving them. like half of that show. People say they like long podcasts, so I'm giving them. What is this?

Sean brought some couscous? Yeah, it's a Middle Eastern kind of Israeli mixture that you can boil and then use in many different delicious things. Are you sure this sand didn't just fall out of Amy? Backstage? Didn't you just fall out of Amy? Backstage? Didn't you just call it couscous?

What kind of a goddamn... Guys, I want you to know, these are all jokes. My vagina is like, it's like sitting on a swimming pool right now up here. It's crazy. You have to be careful. Somebody took a picture of the stage last time I did it, and somebody thought that I was pregnant Yeah they tweeted

They were like Amy she's clearly having a baby And I was like first of all No And if I ever did I would I would live tweet the entire 24 hours But I was feeling like Like that's an insult to tell a girl she looks pregnant I don't think it's what I was glowing.

You live-tweeted until you took the pill? The morning-after pill? Is that the joke? Until I took care of it, in quotes. Sure. I get it. I get it. You brought a copy of Mike Nelson's movie, Mega Cheese.

I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one of my favorite movie books. Oh, I thought Amy brought this. Can she talk about it? So tell me about this book, Amy. Who's Mike Nelson? Mike Nelson is Judd Nelson's uncle. And he wrote a book about him?

He wrote a book about the band Nelson. But called it what? Band of Cheese? Movie? Mega Cheese. So, yeah. It's weird. He shouldn't have named it that one.

It's just about that band Nelson. What do you think it is, Dan? No, she got it right. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, it's weird. He shouldn't have named it that one. It's just about that band. What do you think it is, Dan? No, she got it right. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Mike Nelson from Mystery Science Theater. He wrote it like 10 years ago. It's a funny book.

I thought I would re-gift it. Right on. And we have a copy of your EP, Fossil Record. Woo! Yeah. Yay. Did I pronounce that right? No, it's pronounced Jurassic Snark

For us Fossil Fossil Record Facile Record And you brought Mad Men, The Illustrated World Yeah, which I was a co-writer on it The book, not the show, obviously Oh really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah Who'd you co-write it with, Dynamo? Dynamo designed my album cover And then she asked if I could help write a couple of the humor pieces in it. That's awesome. She did madmenyourself.com. And of course, another Root Monkey.

Root Monkey! And... Oh, wait, there's one more Root Monkey. Surprise Root Monkey. I'm going to try to get this one into the balcony. And then I'm going to shoot this one. Doug's taking his dick out. Do it.

Yeah. Doug launched it. A respectable launch. I have one more gift that's verbal. Can I give away? Sure. I have a movie gift that's verbal. Can I give away? Sure. I have a movie-related show tomorrow. I'm headlining at the Wilmette Theater,

which is like the other side of Evanston. And after I do stand-up, we're screening Rise of the Dead. I don't know if any of you guys are familiar with this movie. I have like a seven-minute bit about it. It's marketed as a zombie movie, and then it turns out to be about a ghost baby and the main

character fucks it out of her boyfriend. And my wife and I saw it when she was nine months pregnant and so I tell the story. Oh, and like a light bulb went off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did the movie bit for a while and then they said they would screen

the movie. They paid like a couple hundred bucks to screen it After my show And I was going to do live commentary I'm doing it with some guy from the AV club Keith Phipps and Adam Burke Who was here yesterday And because the AV club got involved The director of Rise of the Dead

Will Wettig found out And he's flying himself out from New York City To come and do the screening with us. Well, yeah, so everybody that's here tonight, go to that because no one's going to hear this on the internet for days for a few days from now and that whole thing is going to be like

white noise to people. Or they'll just be mad that they didn't get to go. I'll give two free tickets to my show tomorrow to whoever wins. Alright, so we'll include that, so see Dan after the rest. I have another gift as well. Does it have a long story to go with it?

No, I will fuck your ghost baby. If you have a ghost baby, I will totally fuck it out of your boyfriend. Rise of the Dead is on Netflix Instant Watch, by the way. I also have one more gift. Whoever wins, their kids can play in my sandbox It's lovely

Thank you It's really all about the kids It is, it's for the kids That's why we're here Okay, so Amy's playing for Chelsea Dan's playing for Brian. Brian? Brian?

His mom's excited. Keep your name tag where I can see it, Dan. That's where the idea came from, so I could see who you were playing for. And then people got so creative. Kristen with the Cubs. What's the best movie about the Cubs? Rookie of the Year.

Rookie of the Year? Ferris Bueller's Day Off. That kid was so hot. What's that kid doing now? Remember that kid was... He was in American Pie. Oh, yeah, that's right. I wonder if he's in this new...

They're doing a new reunion one. He is? Nicholas? Nicholas something? Nickleby. Ian Michael Nicholas. No wonder he's... That's three first names on one person. Stupid.

When you're naming a child, would you do that? Steve, Sean, Dave? Like, it's dumb. Well, I mean, if your last name is Dave, you're already one third over there. So, yeah, you should probably... But it might be Dave. Yeah, you should probably go, like,

Chair for Micah Dave. That would be great. So you don't have three names in your name. I was going to call my three-year-old son Copernicus. Is your name really Devo? Oh my God. Amy, this has never happened before. Are you thinking about trading out your name tag?

Oh, don't. I don't want this girl to hate me. She doesn't really care, though. That'd be terrible. No, I was going to say, if you're going to have three first names, it's better than if your mom names you Devo. But that's why they need Google in the delivery room, you know?

So when your mom was like, oh, I'm going to name you Devo, Google would show up and be like, did you mean Steve? Oh? Oh? Should I trade it? I feel like you want me to trade it. No, no, no, no. Oh, shit. That would be terrible.

Do you know Chelsea? Do you work with Chelsea? Give Chelsea all the real prizes and then let Devo play in your sandbox. She's so nice. Are you nice? Do you guys ever... Never mind. Alright, focus, Amy. Sorry.

Sorry I brought it up. You get to pick the first category, Amy Schumer. Okay, I suck. Would you like horror movies where the black guy lives? I can answer that right now. No. Because I've never seen any. Except for New Jack City.

Okay, what other? First name basis is movies where the person's first name is the title of the film. Or Dead Man Walkin'. That's movies where Christopher Walkin' dies. I'll take Dead Man Walkin'. Those were all listeners submitted. I didn't read their names again from Twitter because I read them on another

You have the best listeners in the world. I mean that, you guys. They're so good at listening. Sorry, I wasn't listening. That's why you're a guest. The only people I have on the show are the ones that don't pay attention to me. My mic smells.

Let me guess. Like the beach? Like those trees that only come out once a year. Okay, would you like a... Listen, Sandy. Would you like a movie from

83, 85, or 92? Wait, what? What? I'll say it again. 83, 85, or 92? Are those numbers? All 1900s. All 1900s. Okay. What was the last one? 92? I'll take 92. You got it. Of course, there's always no yelling out if you know the answer I know it overwhelms you sometimes can you guys see my sandlot from there? in my spare time now I go to I go to bingo halls

and make announcements to all the old people now no yelling out bingo they just keep going, it's great it saves them a lot of money that's how they spend eternity And make announcements to all the old people. Now, no yelling out bingo if you get it. What do they do? They just keep going. It's great. Oh, my God. It saves them a lot of money. That's how they spend eternity. They take that shit serious.

Yeah, they do. It's crazy. Leonard calls this movie nasty. He gives it two stars okay Leonard I haven't tried Lenny on him I asked him if I could call him Len and he said no but I'm going to ask him about Lenny next time ask him if you could call him Nard I'm pretty sure he won't go for that

I'm also pretty sure he won't go for that. I'm also pretty sure he won't go for Lenny. I think he's really comfortable with Leonard. That's why I saw him at the screening of Super 8 in LA and I didn't even say hello to him because I was just like, I don't know what to call you. Have him on. I have a couple of times.

How old is he? He's terrible at this game. He's worse at it than me. Really? Yeah. How old is he? He's about 94 this game. He's worse at it than me. Really? How old is he? He's about 94. That's nice.

Ask him if you can call him Lenny while he's playing bingo. He's going to be in a better mood. He also calls it dark and mean-spirited. So it's two stars. It's nasty, dark, and mean-spirited. And what was the category? The category was Dead Man Walking. So Christopher Walken dies at some point in this. And there

are 12 names. How many names do you think you can get in Amy Schumer? I can name this movie about Christopher Walken dying in 10 names. I should clarify, that's not what the movie is about.

He doesn't have numerous movies that are about him dying. Christopher Walken in Philadelphia. One guy loves it, so fuck everybody else. Dan, how many names do you think you can get it in? I can name it in eight names. Isn't that what Amy said?

No, she said ten. Oh, okay. Is that a dare? I don't know. That was a long time ago. So you say eight. What do you think, Sean? Does it go from the bottom of the...

Yeah. Right. Yeah, you know how it works. I do. If you go negative names, then you've got to go from the bottom of the... Yeah, you know how it works. I do. If you go negative names, then you gotta go from the top. Like you did in Toronto. You got... You got a Star Trek The Voyage Home

with negative four names. He got it, right? We didn't record that episode, but it was amazing. It was just you two in your hotel room. Seven. I'll go seven. It was me and him right after him telling me that Osama Bin Laden got shot in the face

by Obama. Seven. How many, Amy? Oh, wait. You said seven? Oh, so now I can be like, name that movie. You can, or you can go less names. Name that movie. I'll do it. can go less names. Name that movie. I'll do it.

I tried to talk you out of it, Amy. I know. So don't blame me. But I just don't want to have to name it. Well, if you just bid one less, then probably Dan over there, who's a... I don't know if you've noticed, but he knows about nerdy things.

He probably would have bid lower. Or maybe he would have made you name know, I don't know if you've noticed, but he knows about nerdy things. He would have probably, he probably would have bid lower. Or maybe he would have made you name it, I don't know. It's too late to tell now. Like, I hate, I hate on, what's that show with all the suitcases? Game of Thrones? No, no, no. Family Feud?

And Howie Mandel? Deal or no deal? Deal or no deal. They always go, all right, which case would you have picked if you picked another case? And when they pick one, they go,

and then which case would you pick? And they pick another number. And then which one would you pick? Like they had all their numbers fucking planned out and they couldn't possibly change which number they're going to say.

And every time when they have to pick a case, they think about it for fucking ever. It's amazing. Okay. It's not really a game. Let's table that ever. It's amazing. It's not really a game. Let's table that for...

It's war. Let's table that for Douglas TV. Let's get back to this game. He gets seven names? Yeah. Is that a lot? I think I'm stalling because this is just going to be a massacre. I just really don't want Chelsea to win.

I'm just kidding, you guys. She seems sweet. I'm just being a cunt for fun. I was excited. I hate when I'm great. You're being a cunt. That's a great name for an album. Cunt for fun.

On RCA Records. You want to switch them? Yeah. Amy doesn't like the smell of her microphone, so we're going to switch them. Yeah. Amy doesn't like the smell of her microphone, so we're going to switch them. Because whatever she doesn't like, I'm betting I'm going to love it. That mic smells like Tracy Martin's.

But I couldn't even tell you what that microphone smells like because I don't smell my microphone. What does it smell like, Doug? I'm going to find out. That mic smells like shit, you know. You've got a really happy look on his face. I just don't smell...

It doesn't smell like anything to me, other than I'm sitting here smelling a microphone. This is like a joke someone would play on somebody if we were both ten years old. Smell this microphone. Doesn't it smell weird? And it does, because they just smeared shit all over it. Okay, here's your seven names.

Paul Rubens, Jan Hooks, Vincent Schiavelli, Pat Hingle, Andrew Brynarski, and that's five. Chris Conaway, and Michael Murphy. And it's

walk and dies in it. Two stars. Nasty. Mean spirited and dark. People in the audience are mumbling. They know things. What do you think it is, Sean Cullen? Well,

is it Last Man Standing? Oh That's so funny It's like he didn't guess wrong He stepped on a kitten Or I guess, no, that wasn't what that sounded like You wouldn't go, aww That's so cute

He just pulled a kitten out of his pocket. Aww. It's suffocated. The whole show he's going to pull out a live kitten, but he left it in there for too long. It was suckling. That's a terrific guess in its obscurity, but I thought Paul Rubens might give it away.

Michael Goff, then Christopher Walken, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito, and Michael Keaton. Dangerous mind. Bad Man Returns. Nicely played, Amy Schumer gets a point. This is my first point ever. That's the first time you won a point? First time I've gotten a point. What was the name of the movie?

Chelsea, you and me. We're going to use that pressure cooker together. I totally wanted to discourage you, Amy. I'm going to cook up that couscous. He plays Max Shrek. Yeah, yes.

He dies in that. Yes, he does. I hated those movies. All right, well, there's... Now I hate them even more. Dan, you knew that. Huh? You knew that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys, you couldn't... I wish you could see. You were doing a really good job being the smug nerd. Really good. Thanks. Really good Mac store employee. No?

All right. I forgot the demo. Sean, could you sing a quick theme song for Batman Returns? He's back and he's dressed as a bat. He likes to fight some crime. He has no powers to speak of. He just really likes bats.

Batman returns to you. Beautiful. Alright, Dan, you get to pick a category Alright Would you like Who, What, Why, Where, When and How

That's a movie that has Who, What, Why, When, When or How In the title Would you like States That's movies where the state In this country of America Is in the title Or the Smiths Those are motion pictures featuring Will

Jada Pinkett, or Jaden Smith. And the band. The Smiths dynasty. Let's do... What was the first one? Who, where, why, how. Yeah, let's do

that one. Let's do who, where, why, how. Who, where, why, how. Would you like a who, where, Why, Why, Why. Who, What, Why, Why, Why, Why. Would you like a Who, What, Why, Why, Why, Why from... The writing on this thing is so stupid small. Would you like it from 1980? 2000? Or 2006? 2000.

Okay. You defied that one person in the audience. I know him. That's probably like an X-Men with really weak powers. I can get him to pick 2006. My mutant powers, I say it very persuasively. What's your mood and power? I'm convincing.

I'm disappointed. My name is Vince. I'm Vince. I'll be a crazy. Because wasn't, there was that Mark Wahlberg movie, Invincible, where his character's named Vince.

And I was just like, I can't. I couldn't be more crazy. I can't even begin to reconcile that. Two and a half stars from Leonard for this movie that has who, what, where, when, why, or how in the title. He says that it's slickly made and there are at least three endings.

Movie's got three endings and it's slickly made. Two and a half stars from Leonard, and there are eight names. How many names do you think you can get it in, Dan Telfer of Evanston North? Or are you Southern Evanston? South Evanston. Sorry, sorry. No, I definitely want people to know. I don't want to get you in trouble with the North Evanston.

North Evanston's all mansions and shit. Yeah, you don't want to get in trouble with them. No, no, no. I can name it in four names. Not bad. The crowd is impressed. Sean? Not bad The crowd is impressed Sean I'm going to say Just go and name it

You weird freak Name it I like that attitude Do you want to hear the clues again? Yes There's somebody in the audience That really thinks they're actually playing up here I know

I want some of whatever you're smoking, because that is awesome. They've linked minds with you. Yeah, let's hear those clues again. It's Brian! Brian. His mom is pissed! Yeah, I'm going to try to win! It's the guy he's playing for?

Yeah, his whole family is apparently going to die if they can't pressure cook. They're like the family in The Fighter. They took you on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll take you to the store and buy you a pressure cooker if this doesn't go well. Settle down.

It's like you're putting Dan in a pressure cooker. Buggered up, buggered up. And you can put some couscous in there, too. I know. I know. Everybody some couscous in there too I know everybody wants couscous wet couscous I prefer wet couscous I need my couscous damp we've established a sandy

and a bit of a kind of wet it's a sandy wetness the next time I start to walk out of an elevator and someone else is coming on, like, and you have that weird moment, I'm gonna go, Moist Couscous! Sandy Wetness is my favorite porn actress. Here are your four names. This is Sean,

right? No. Oh. Dan has to guess it. Okay, good. Daniel. I don't want this to end. Wendy Crewson was in this movie. Amber Valletta. Joe Morton. And James Remar. What?

It's a true fact. All those people were in a movie together in the fourth lowest billed names out of eight. Right? Stuart Morton is the big one. Can you give me the clues again? Yeah. It has at least three endings,

and it's slickly made. Two and a half stars from the year 2000. And I don't know what else to tell you. Yeah, it's not what I thought it was. It's either who, what, where, when, or why. It's a movie. Without saying it, does anyone in the audience think they know? Oh, look at that. People know Dan.

People know Dan. Pressure, cook it. I don't think you're going to pull this one out. No, no, no. Dan, pull it out. Whatever happened to Baby Jane? I don't know. I give up. I'll read some more names just for fun. Miranda Otto.

Diana Scarwit. Now what do you think it is? I just recognized Miranda Otto from Lord of the Rings. That's all I got. You made all that noise and moving around because you thought it might be Lord of the Rings? I get so excited.

There's only eight characters in Lord of the Rings. I get so excited. There's only eight characters in Lord of the Rings. I'm getting excited because I feel like I'm closer to getting it. I'm very easily excited. Who else is in it? Diana Scarwood, Michelle Pfeiffer. Dangerous Minds. What?

What Lies Beneath. Starring Harrison Ford. Another ghost fuck movie. And ghosts or something. Yeah, there's some ghost fucking in there. All right, so that means, who told him to name it? I did.

Sean did. So Sean has a point. Amy has a point. Playing first to two. Show is officially going long, starting right now. I have a diaper on. Your seat won't be wet.

I have a diaper pantsuit on under my clothes. Diaper jeans. Yes, diaper jeans. It can't really go that much longer. It can go, like, two more rounds. We're only playing to two. Okay. For a category, we will now go to

Amy wasn't involved in that So she gets to go first Would you like the states Why am I always Passively being fucked around I never get to Ask anything I never get to get my eyes pulled out

Squirrel Never mind that didn't make any sense Just go on with your little game You just scored a point get my eyes pulled out, my squirrel. Never mind, that didn't make any sense. Just go on with your little game, Doug. You just scored a point, so we're going to go to someone who hasn't. I don't think so. We have to punish Dan for

not getting it. So you punish Dan by taking the joy from me. It seems very, very passive-aggressive. I take from both of you guys. Okay, thank you. Which category would you like, Amy? Would you like States, the movies with the State

in the title, The Smiths, the movies of the Smiths' dynasty, and also a category that's not at all, there's no crossover at all, movie where the... Oh yeah, wait. I forget. Does Will Smith live in the horror movie he's in?

Anyway. I don't remember. Anyway. Or is he in a... Would you call I Am Legend a horror movie? Let's not give it away because there's still probably somebody that's like, someday I can't wait to watch I Am Legend and I hope nobody ruins it

when I listen to podcasts about movies. You never watched that movie? I saw it, yeah, but I forgot how it ended. It has two endings. It has two endings. Both of them are shit. Alright, so your third category is horror movie

where the black guy lives. That's what I was getting at. Yes, yes. Weird way. He's not black. You've got to do that one now, right? Let's go the Smith dynasty. A lot of Jaden fans out there.

All right. Would you like a Smith dynasty movie from 2001, 2003, or 2006? See, Brian's not yelling out now because he's only helping out Dan. They've given up. They left. 2003. Boo. Boo, somebody says.

That guy's pissed. All right. One and a half There's a lot of PBR tall boys On this table So let's not One and a half stars From Leonard Maltin And he says about this movie

He says that What? Fresh Prince This is crazy People are yearning What? Fresh Prince. This is crazy. People are yearning for the Fresh Prince movie. Yearning for it. Oh, this movie was... It's like Carlton.

Yeah. This movie was one of 2003's bigger disappointments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he also says that... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he also says that... Ugh.

Okay. You look upset. This is a crazy review, but... Okay. It's a big disappointment for 2003, but I also just have to say this, just because it's so funny. He compares this movie to Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

He figures out a way to bring up Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey in this movie starring one of the Smiths. And there are 12 names. How many names do you think you can get it in, Amy Schumer?

I think I can get it in eight names. Dan? Name that movie. Motherfucker. Wow. I want a point. I'm sorry I called you smug.

We are looking at a possible three-way tie, everybody. All right. This is... My first three-way. This is clutch. This is totally sand snatch. It just seems that there's no way I could win because I haven't had a chance to play.

There's no it goes between these two handing it back and forth to each other and I get whatever points shit out and fall on the ground. I have never been in control of my own destiny.

I apologize and I want to make it up to you. I could make this movie a negative one. Could you sing a theme song for What Lies Beneath? The tub is full of water. I just drowned your daughter. That's good. That's good.

That's great. Good times. The next line can be called her alma mater. Then I don't know where to go from there. I could have had a gun and shot her. Instead, I drowned your daughter. Boom. Police blotter?

No? Okay. All right, how many names do you get? I don't know. Eight names. Eight names. That's a healthy number of names. Thank you. Try not to think about the clues,

because they probably won't help you. But one and a half stars might help, and the fact that one of the Smiths is in it. And here are your names. Anthony Zerbe, Nona Gay, Lambert Wilson, Harry Lennox, Monica

Bellucci, Harold Perrineau Jr., Mary Alice, and Jada Pinkett Smith. Oh my god, I really forgot it was like all the Smiths. They don't all have to be in it. I don't know if that's even happened. Does that happen?

I don't think they've all been in it. I don't think one movie could stand that much awesomeness. Like they'd be afraid that the whole set would explode if the whole... Probably time travel Especially if the youngest one starts whipping her hair Forget about it They're probably in a band You got any idea Amy?

Because if you don't it's going to bring us to a very exciting three way tie No I do not What is it you guys? Matrix Revolutions Yeah Harry Lannan I did say the Matrix Did she did? I did say The Matrix. Did she? I said, did I not say The Matrix?

No way, no way. I didn't hear it. No way. The Matrix, but The Matrix was also. She didn't say Reloaded. The Matrix would be wrong anyway. Yeah, exactly. The Matrix is wrong anyway.

I just said The Matrix, you're right. Reloaded is the movie, number two. But no, no. But no. Shush, shush, shush. True. So much outrage. The movie, it's Matrix Revolutions.

Yeah, it came out the same year, bitches. That's why they were so great. Because they made a six-hour movie and chopped it in half and went, here, do whatever you want with it. And then Leonard went, one and a half. I love the dancing scenes in that movie. Oh, the sweaty dance revolution.

Dance in the cave. That's what I want. When they made the protagonist blind, too, that really moved the plot along really quickly. I love that. I love blind dancers. Sorry, Charles. I said The Matrix. But I wouldn't have known Reloaded if my...

I swear I didn't hear you say it. I might have been like Alex Trebek. I might have been like, more specific. And I would have been like, good night. I think Sean should get to pick No, it's your turn again, isn't it?

Well, it's whoever participates the least Right? Who gets to pick? Yeah, it's a three-way tie That's it, it's over Three-way tie, and What was it, Dan tried to make Amy guess it So we're starting with Sean Oh

Crybaby gets a turn so we're starting with Sean. Oh. Cry baby gets a turn. I wish there was a restaurant that served the hearts of my enemies. We'll go to Tao. I think they do it. I think Chili's does stuff. Chili's does. Alright, here we go. First name basis.

That's movies that are the first name of a person. I haven't introduced this one yet. I keep trying it in case someone ever picks it. The Films of Michael Rooker. Yes! Not today. And what's another one we haven't played yet? We haven't played the States one.

Black Guy Dies, or Doesn't Die. We haven't done that one. Yeah, we haven't done Black Guy Who Doesn't Die. Which one of those would you like for the tie-breaking finale? Wow. We've got nine minutes left. I have to go Black Guy Doesn't Die, by the way. I have to see. Black Guy Doesn't Die, probably. I have to see.

Fuck Whitey! Now, I hope I'm right about these because I couldn't remember if Will Smith lived or died in I Am Legend and that was probably a pretty big scene

when he lived or died. So I probably should have remembered that. But at that point, I was just like, I'm tired of these video game things running around

and not seeming like anything real is happening. Yes. Yes. I agree. I said the same thing about something borrowed. Okay. Should I have gone with failure to launch? Yes.

I tried to go more recent, but you guys aren't on top of the whole rom-com thing. You're not as mad about rom-coms as I am. I'm so angry, because all they do is fall down all the time, everybody in them. If they ask you to fall down in a rom-com, Amy, just go, no, can't I just say something funny? I'll just fall down.

Okay. Which one of these Black Guy Lives horror movies would you like to play, Sean Cullen? Would you like one from 1978, 1982, or 1998? That's when they stopped letting them live.

I guess till 98, please. 98. Here we go. These are horror movies, right? Yeah, you said they were horror movies. Horror movies. Where the black guy lives. Where the black guy lives.

Or we could just... Let's just open it up. Movies where the black guy lives. It doesn't make it that much bigger of a category. It's just some horror films And Tyler Perry movies Horror movies He lives but he has to wear a dress You just implied that like

Black people die in all sorts of movies, right? I think they do. They do. Or at least their characters are not in it for a while, so I think, oh, they must have died. Of course. They're underused, is my point. I hope no one's taking it the wrong way. Yeah, let's use black people more.

Use them. Fucking use them. Use them That would be an interesting convention though if all Hollywood films every black person in the movie had to die before the end and you wanted to do a romantic comedy It would be a challenge

for the filmmakers It would give nice twists constantly through a movie instead of waiting for M. Night Shyamalan one towards the end because they could kill the black guy at any point. Anytime a black character is introduced, you're fearing for that character's life. Yeah, but if it's M. Night Shyamalan, then you know the black characters

are already dead. Well, zombies. Okay, this movie is from... ... ......... It's from... This movie's from 1998. Three stars. Yeah, I was surprised as well.

I don't know if I'd go that far with it, but Leonard gave it three stars. If you know Leonard, this is curious. Because he's openly admitted that he's not a big fan of horror films. So that's interesting. He calls it surprisingly good. Plenty scary.

Has a nice sense of humor. But the plot could have used more complications, a.k.a. dying dead people. I added that last part. He didn't actually say that in his review. Should have more complications. Sean, there are

12 names. I'm sorry, 11 names. The last name is three words, so it's on two lines. Which person's name is it? I thought the last name was just a one-name person. And you'll laugh even more when you find out who it is. Is Michael Ian Black? Yeah, yeah.

I looked down and the last name was just Black. Somebody who's just named Black. You know that person's gonna live to the end of the horror movie because that is a bold statement to be called black. Let's go nine.

Nine, nine, nine, he said, right? Guy in the audience is saying, none? Is it my turn? Yeah. Name the chip. Oh! Sorry, Brian. Your family's pleased that not win you a prize tonight. Okay, Brian. Your family's pleased

that not win you a prize tonight. Okay, let's see what's happening. I don't like couscous. Who is Sean playing for? I'm playing for Christine. Where is she? She's the bedazzled cub. Congratulations, Christine.

That's a lot of names. I can't believe you didn't go lower. Nine? You obviously don't know me that well. All right, so here are your nine names. I'm not even going to give you the clues again, because this is ridiculous. It's going to be so easy.

Is it? We'll wait and see. Yeah. You have to say the title exactly right. Shitballs. People that know in the audience laughed at that because it's a fucking stupid, complicated title. Oh, that's another

clue. Sorry. I thought the last name, I thought the tenth name, or the eleventh name when I said eleven names, I thought it was Levitt. Because the last name is Joseph Gordon Levitt. Then Chris Durand, LL Cool J,

Jared Lee, Jody Lynn O'Keefe, Adam Young, Adam Hamburg, not Adam Youngbird. That'd be ridiculous. Adam Pigfish. No, his name's Adam Hamburg. Michelle Williams. Josh Hartnett.

And, God, I don't even know how to pronounce his name. Adam Arkin. A little pronunciation joke there at the end. Very little, apparently. Adam Arkin. Everyone's too caught up in thought. Alan Barkin's cousin. Yeah.

Son. Wow. Yeah. Son. Wow. Yeah. Adam Arkin is Alan Arkin's son. That's correct. It's a horror movie. And it's a horror movie. And there's only one name I left out.

LL Cool J lives. I heard that was the working title and they thought Leonard Mulden might give us a bad review because that's one less complication to worry about. Oh my god. A can of something just fell from the balcony.

Sweet lord, stop him. I'm sure it was an accident. I'm not going to get this right, I don't think. Yeah. I know one horror movie where LL Cool J is in it and he lives oh then try that one yeah I think I know what you're thinking about

I don't think he lives in that I thought Stellan Skarsgård in it and I thought that he has not been listed so I don't think he's the top two in a 1998 movie. I just don't think so. I don't know. I'm just going to say

Deep Blue Sea. Yeah, yeah. He does die in that. No, he doesn't. And his parrot. He doesn't. He does not die in that movie. He lives.

There's a scene where he's alone in the water and the joke's out of him. He hides in his oven. I know Sam Jackson dies. That's the most amazing death ever. I know the difference. That is weird that Sam Jackson is uncredited. That would have been a good clue. Well, that would have been too good of a clue.

That's really interesting. And you know what? In X-Men, you know the guy that's... Was that it? Was that it? That's the end of the game, yeah. No, was that Deep Blue Sea? No, no. Deep Blue Sea... Sorry, what was it? I mean, I guess he does live in that, but he also

lives... Thank you for asking. There's no way we were going to remember that. I was going to say in that but he also lives thank you for asking I was going to say something that I thought would be fun to listen to but if you want to wrap it up for everybody what's the answer I just dropped a can on someone's head and you gotta tell me the answer is he getting

this whole show they've been trying to be funny just want him to say the names of things. The last name is Jamie Lee Curtis and the movie's called Halloween H20 20 Years Later. Chelsea, we won. Yeah, almost 420, that's right. I got high anyway

because H20 looks close enough to 420 if you squint at it and you're looking at it on your iPhone. So that means Amy won for Chelsea. Oh, yeah. Chelsea, I did it for you. And Devo, sort of. So Chelsea, come get your prizes. I don't want to throw my back out, so you have to...

Chelsea, can I keep your work badge? Like, actually, you can... Yeah, you probably won't be able to carry it through there, I don't think. I hope you guys didn't hit the train here. It'd probably be easier to grab it once everybody sort of filters out, but be near it. Why don't you just sit down and get your present later? Chelsea, be near it. Be near it so no one will steal it, because this guy is eyeballing this shit out of me.

He's still there staring at it going, we are Devo. He wants it. Be near it so no one will steal it because this guy is eyeballing this shit out of me. He's still there staring at it going, we are Devo. He wants it. Are we not pins? We are Devo. Alright, so the losers, not losers, but you know what I mean,

Kristen and Brian, if you could please come up to the stage somehow and come write down for me who you want me to call a shithead so we can do that so we can do that tradition at the end of the show oh he put it on the back of his name tag nice work Brian

is it on the back of yours Christine don't you hate it when you get called Christine Christine I'm not the movie about a car. So I need to know your shithead. So come up here, Christine. Get up here, Tristan.

I know it's Kristen. Come up here. I don't know why there's an E on the end if it's Kristen. Some sort of voodoo. I haven't seen it in a while. I don't know how you spell it. Thank you for coming over here.

This is great to listen to. I thought it would really move it along if I just had you come to me instead of me crawling all over everybody. That would be a great radio show, just listening to people write things. Jotting it down with Doug Benson. And then we show it to each other and laugh.

I just saw who the other guy is. Now, could you... Can you sing a theme song for Halloween H20 years later, Sean? Oh, Michael Myers, what's your deal? You come around and kill

and steal my life from me with a knife from me. I'm sick of you. You fucked up psychopaths. Can't I have a day of my life on Halloween where you're not snapping my spleen and taking my life away?

Trick or treat, you fuck. Thank you so much, everybody, for coming. One more time for all of my wonderful guests Amy Schumer Dan Telfer and Sean Cullen let me get a group photo you guys here why don't you stand in front of the audience with your back to them and then they'll sort of be in the picture. Come over here a little bit closer to me because I got an iPhone. Yeah. Oh, that's great. That's beautiful. That's a gorgeous picture. Thank you so much. Let's hear it for them one more time.

What's going on with my... What's going on with my Somebody tried to slide in And somebody for me to call a shithead No they didn't win anything They don't get to I mean they didn't lose either It's people that lose but Oh Devo that was on the back of Devo's

I'll say it for you if you want I won't call him a shithead, but I'll say it. How do you pronounce it? It's pronounced Mark Mothersbaugh? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, he loves Devo. No, he wrote down Jim Belushi.

Jim Belushi. Yeah. But he's officially not a shithead, you guys. Jim Belushi. He's a non-shithead. Too soon, somebody yelled. His career died a long time ago. As always,

Tracy Morgan is a shithead. And Bill Cosby is a shithead. Now it's time to go to a bunch of other talking. is a shithead and Bill Cosby is a shithead