Doug Loves Movies - Back in Portland

Episode Date: April 19, 2012

Recorded live at Helium Comedy Club in Portland, OR during the Bridgetown Comedy Festival on April 15th, 2012. Amy Schumer, Pete Holmes, Sean Jordan, Mark Agee, and Andy Wood guest.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, squeaky babies, sticky seeds with 50 acid pop or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, but Doug loves cookies. Hey everybody My name is Doug and I love movies This is Doug Loves Movies Coming to you from Helium Comedy Club During the Bridgetown Comedy Festivus Yeah it's a comedy festivus For the rest of us.

It's April 15th through Ocean's 12. And did I mention that it's 420? 420-ish? Who was here yesterday? Yay! Well, thanks for coming back again. And thanks for bringing your crazy name tags. I can already see, is that a ukulele you've got there?

That's nice. What else have you guys got? What other name tags do we have here? There's Megan with a, I believe that's Sissy Spacek from Coal Miner's Daughter. Mikal, is that how you... Michael? Michael?

Did they want a boy? We'll just spell it funny. Michael's got some amazing looking cupcake thingies. Andrea's got Janet Lee's. Not Jennifer Lee. Not Jennifer Jason Lee, but Janet Lee screaming in the shower in Psycho. And then you've got a werewolf thing that says Greg. I like that.

And Nathan brought it. Nathan with an E at the end? Crazy. It's crazy here in Portland. You got a nice camera with the I love Garfunkel and Oates, or I heart, I love heart, Garfunkel and Oates

sticker. Michael's got a, that looks like something out of Kick-Ass. It's a very comic book. Normsy's here, of course. There's a guy with a Batman thing. There's a guy with a George. Is your name George or Carlin? It says John.

You wrote John on there, but it's a George Carlin poster. And that was here yesterday, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, with all the blinking lights and stuff. Oh, my God. This is great. Well, thank you, you guys, for bringing such amazing name tags. I can always count on Portland to show up and bring name tags and then sit through me being a complete drunken stone mess.

Yeah! I have to thank you guys. It's another great day here in Portland, another beautiful day, so I have to thank you for skipping the Wooden Shoe Tulip Festival to be here today. That's a real thing. I was making

up shit yesterday, but the Wooden Shoe Tulip Festival is really happening. That's until April 30th. And it's a long-ass festival. People get sore wearing those wooden shoes that long. But at least I didn't have to worry today. I don't have to compete with the yarn museum

because they're closed on Sundays. I don't know if you have a yarn museum, but I love that expression. Somebody put this on the table, on my table. It says, what does it say? Shadow Man? It's a drawing of a shadow man. Maybe it's left over from last night or something.

I'll put it right here. That was great how it hit the other microphone. Like a tiny piece of paper made a thunk. That's a hot mic over there. Whoever's getting that mic is getting a super hot mic uh let's see what else do i want to say before getting this thing going uh i hope i don't have to throw anybody out today i yesterday there was a super nice dude who just had too much to drink and wouldn't stop talking and And I had to throw them out.

And that's the funny thing. It's like comedy clubs, people come in here, and then the club goes, you have to drink, you have to buy two drinks, and then I throw you out for drinking. It's a fucking vicious circle, you guys. So please don't get out of control and talk too loud, and you'll be able to stay for the entire show

But do have several alcoholic beverages Until we ask you to leave I'm happy to report that Alfonso Cuaron Is on the shortlist to direct the sequel to Hunger Games And I take all the credit for that And you know who should also be on the shortlist? Joss Whedon. Have you guys seen Cabin in the Woods yet?

He didn't direct it, but he directed the upcoming Avengers movie, and I'm already assuming that that's going to be awesome. So Joss Whedon is another person that should direct the next Hunger Games if Alfonso can't do it. And I've got lots of tweets from people saying how happy they are that they saw Cabin in the Woods, but also listened to my advice if Alfonso can't do it. And I've got lots of tweets from people saying

how happy they are that they saw Cabin in the Woods, but also listened to my advice to not watch any trailers or commercials for that movie, because the twists start happening the second the movie starts, and the commercials are ruining it. So congratulations to all of us. Good work, everybody.

I mean, I guess every movie that comes out, I could say, don't watch the trailer, and it'd be pretty good advice. Because if you guys watch the trailer for Battleship, what's the name of those two pointy buildings that you have? The convention center? Coin Tower? See, that's why I don't know what they're called. buildings that you have? The convention center? Coin tower. See, that's why I don't know what they're called.

Because everybody has a different name for them. Some call it those two green thingies. But whatever they're called, they get fucked up in the movie Battleship. And I know that because I saw the trailer. So I hope it doesn't happen in the final reel.

Since last I spoke and you listened I got stoned and drunk and wandered around From titty bar to titty bar Or as you like to call them here in Portland Bars You can hardly go into a bar Without some woman shaking her jugs at you And that's part of why I love it here You can hardly go into a bar without some woman shaking her jugs at you.

And that's part of why I love it here. I've got four great guests... Okay, I panicked for a second. I thought I looked like only three chairs. I got four great guests lined up to come out and do all the stuff we normally do on this show. But since it's Bridgetown Comedy Festival and there's other comics running around that I wasn't able to get on this show, but since it's Bridgetown Comedy Festival, and there's other comics running around that I wasn't able to get on the show,

and one that has to run to go do another show, but wanted to come by and briefly say hello, and I was excited by that prospect, as you probably will be as well. Please welcome to the stage my friend Amy Schumer! Yeah, just, could sit on Shadow Man Thank you

Thank you You could just sit on that That Shadow Man thing Whatever that is He'd probably be thrilled That you just sat right on it I'm not doing that Shadow Man Nice try

Hey I don't know who Shadow Man is We'll never know. Thanks for coming by. Yeah! I know you've got another thing to get to. Big stuff. You're doing, there's a delocated show slash panel kind of thing.

Uh-huh. Yeah! Fuck you! Well, I mean, how into it could they be? If they're here. They chose this over that. That's true. The timing of it is you can't see both, unfortunately.

You gotta make a choice, and these people are like, we stand with Doug. This is the choice they made. I get it. Say that to John Glazer's face. I appreciate it, though. And they can see you later tonight where? I'll be in Baghdad.

At the Baghdad Theater. Youdad. At the Baghdad Theater. You should be at the Baghdad Theater. You guys have some badges for the festival here? Woo! And if anybody's in Vegas soon, I'm at the Riviera once a month. Thank you. That's true. Your plan is to go back...

Everything else was a lie? You've been lying up until that point? I'm not at Baghdad tonight. I'm going to go to my hotel room and cry. That's a great show if you can get a ticket. Yeah. A lot of yogurt covered pretzels. You've got to have a ticket.

No badges. Just need my room number. No stinking badges. But once a month at the Riviera. The Riv. Do they have a big special room for you there? It's like an old Vegas showroom. And you're just doing one show?

Three shows once a month. Three shows once a month. Yeah. I'm a Vegas act. That sounds awesome. I mean, well, I would think you would get a nice combination of people visiting and locals that like comedy. Yes. That's what I've been trying to do.

I've been going once a month. Where do you go? To Vegas. I go to the Palace Station but I had to dial it back because that was too frequent. Yeah. So good luck.

Thank you. Thanks for your words of encouragement. No, I'm psyched about it. You're more popular. You'll be good. Oh, really? I guess Twitter is filled with lies then because I have like 10 followers. It is liars.

Of my 400,000 followers, 390,000 of them are robots. That's so many. That could be a genocide if you killed all of them. That would count. That would count as a... People would notice those people being dead. Do you think I could get them to all kill themselves? Yes.

That'd be interesting if I just started tweeting every day Come on, you guys. Major suicide pact. It does not get better. Let's just do this. They're not going to make any more movies. Come on. Fix yourself some Kool-Aid

or whatever you like to drink right before you kill yourself. Guys, would you do it for Doug? Suicide? See, that's the problem. Three or four of you is not enough. That's not enough. You're going to have to wait until you have a million.

I didn't have a great turnout at my suicide. That would be so sad. The one guy that does it. I'd appreciate it. That one guy would make me feel nice. You'd at least tweet about him. You'd give him an ad mention. Yeah, one guy did it.

Let's try again next year. It builds. Every year I get a bigger group of people that are willing to do it. But really don't kill yourselves. No, no, no. But buy some purple sneakers. Wasn't that what they wore?

That one group of people that killed themselves? They wore purple shoes. The California Raisins? That's why you don't see them anymore. Those commercials were popular. That is so sad. And they all killed themselves. What a shame. Yeah. You know how I heard about it? No.

From the great boss. Oh, okay. Well. Oh. Only way to get the news Oh god So you're in the big They have a big closing night show At the Baghdad That's what you're doing Really?

I think so Oh Fuck yeah I think it's at 8.30 It is? Yeah yeah I absolutely thought it was at 10. So thank you.

I absolutely now think you're in a different show. Okay. I'm on like the filler show while they're just changing the people in the seats. You're in the everybody left and we do a show anyway because the staff likes to have something to listen to while they're cleaning. While they're bussing the tables. Yeah, you're in that show. Last time I was at this club, I had to bartend the whole time. Is anybody here working?

What do you mean? Really? Yes, it was Valentine's Day. It was sold out. They had one bartender on. So up until I walked on stage, I was back there making. And I got really back into the flow. I was like, can you guys stop selling, pushing these signature drinks?

I was like, if I have to muddle one more fucking mint leaf, and they were like, why are you back there? They do not mullet mint leaves here. They have signature ass cocktails. And I was mad at the wait. It was like, but you know, you do what you have to because you want the audience to be in a good mood and people want booze.

No, you know what? If the bartenders didn't show up I'd just do my show. I wouldn't worry about it. I'd be like finally no drunks. No. 45 minutes sweating and bartending and people would come over and be like You're still a licensed mixologist?

Never got certified. It's in the works. I'm going to go back like Tyra went to Harvard. I'm going to get my mixology. You're such a rogue. What's the name of that movie you're in with Parky Posey? Did she change her name?

Price Check. People can watch it on video on demand? They can? Because it looks hilarious. I haven't watched it yet, but you were on some show and you showed a clip and I laughed at the clip. Huh.

That is great news. You didn't care for the end result? I loved the movie. Okay, good. I love Parker Posey to death. She's the coolest and she wanted to be friends. I'm like, I can't be your friend. I'm in love with you. You're fucking Parker Posey. Yeah, I'm fucking Parker Posey. Yeah, I'm like, I can't be your friend. I'm in love with you. You're fucking Parker Posey.

Yeah, I'm fucking Parker Posey. Yeah, I was like, I don't want to be your friend. I'm too blown away by you. Yeah, I was in the movie. I'm in the movie with Steve Carell coming out. That one we can... How to meet someone before the end of the world? Very similar.

What's it called? Seeking a friend for the end of the world. Okay. Yeah. I think that's going to be really good. I hope he finds one, and I hope it's hot young Keira Knightley. I mean, have you seen better chemistry between two actors ever? Between two people from different countries and generations?

For years, she's been masturbating, thinking about Steve Carell, and finally the opportunity presented itself. Finally she can masturbate for him. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. And so that's coming out this summer. Rob Hubel's in it as well. Yeah, he's in every...

Oh my God, I just saw The Descendants. I know it's like old news, but I just want to say, I was on my way back from St. Lucia. I went on a couple's vacation with my sister by accident. I'm not even ready to joke about it yet. It was so awful.

Well, you throw away all the good stuff to get to the boring part about you saw the descendants. That's right, the descendants is the big closer of the story. But no, my sister and I, I did not know that Sandals was couples. Do you guys know that Sandals is couples only? Okay, see, it's half. So they just thought, I was like, is it couples only?

And they were like, no, but what they meant was you can come, your lesbian ass can come here with your partner. So everyone thought we were gay, and we look like twins, so we look like the most narcissistic lesbians of all time. Like that I would

see her at a party and be like, yeah! I wanna fuck me. Yeah, because you can't show up at Sandals by yourself with a full-length mirror. You've got to bring someone that looks like you. So it was awful. Everyone either ignored us or they were just really

in our face trying to show us how tolerant they were about our sexuality. So on the way back we were watching The Descendants on the plane, and at the end of it, I'm crying my eyes out, and I don't even look at my sister. I just hand her tissues,

and I look over, and she's like, yeah, I don't give a shit. This isn't affecting me at all. Didn't hit her the same way. No, she was like, I don't care about Clooney. I was like, oh, I guess. I'm the only one with a soul. I think the movie's front to end

heartbreaking. It's heavy. It's pretty shitty. The stuff that happens to him is pretty bad throughout. So I don't think I had a gusher point. No? I don't think I lost it anywhere. So you lost it when he was talking to her in the hospital room. Come on, when he's whispering.

But I don't like a Hawaiian church. In that scene, you can almost believe that George Clooney isn't a handsome, famous actor. Or fucking children. I meant to say that. Fucking these young girls. It was just funny to see. It seemed ironic that he would be married to someone his own age.

It was like, come on, George. Keep it real. Where's Keira Knightley? Yeah, yeah. Isn't he doing it with a Keebler elf? Hey! Yes, he is. Yeah, she's hot.

He's getting those cookies. She's all right, yeah. She seems annoying, though. You know, when's she going to figure out he's not going to marry her? Because that's his thing. That's his thing is not marrying people. Yeah, that's his thing. So good at it.

Come on, Clooney. Commit. Keep doing it, Clooney. You're single right now, right? We've both never been married. Are you proposing to me right now? Yes. I'm like, fuck it. Let's just do it. Let's do it. We're both not married. Let's just get married.

And then go fuck other people. Oh, we're already cheating on each other? But it's a thing now that people that are single and determined to stay single in society is growing. Yeah. It doesn't have anything to do with movies, but I thought it was a fun thing to mention. Yeah, it seems like not fun to be married. It seems totally not fun to me. It seems oppressive.

Right. It's like, we got rid of slavery. Why would people get married? Right. Everyone in Portland gets married young and you stay beautiful. But it's fun fucking other people. Trust in me.

If you're going to be married, it might as well be in Portland. Why not? Yeah, because I think it's easier to not worry so much about what other people are doing here. You worry about compost. Yeah. Why not? When you've got recycling on your mind,

you're not getting a boner anyway. No! Honey, you threw this in the compost. But before you run off to your other thing, were there any movies that you've seen in a motion picture theater that aren't three or four or five months old? Have you seen anything recently? When was New Year's Eve out?

That came out mid-December which was I think the downfall of that movie like Valentine's Day didn't come out in late December, early January you can't rush New Year's you're gonna call it fucking New Year's Eve release it New Year's Eve weekend when people are thinking about it

instead of before Christmas when people are like oh, New Year's already? but that was the least awful thing about that movie. But I did cry. I'm just saying it wasn't... You did cry again? I cried on the way to St. Lucia. But mostly for other things that I have going on.

You're like, why aren't I in this? Yeah, like, why does Hilary Swank get so much work? Sobbing. No, De Niro was her dad and he's in a wheelchair and my dad's in a wheelchair so I started crying. Scream crying on the plane.

Again, my sister. Nothing. Well, let me recommend some movies for you to not see. Don't see Born on the Fourth of July. Okay. What about Forrest Gump? Thinking about checking out Forrest Gump?

No? Oh, okay. He gets around on his own sometimes but he is in a wheelchair at one point. Swinging around like a monkey. Lieutenant Dan. That's going to be a category next week on the show. Movies that make Amy Schumer cry.

Only movies where someone is in a wheelchair. Oh, my God. Is there anything you want to plug before you go? Yeah. What do you got coming up? Vegas once a month for three shows at the Riviera. Yeah, the Riviera. I'm at the Stress Factory in Jers. New Brunswick.

I'm all over it, yeah. When's that? That is in May. In May and Tampa also? Tampa's this coming weekend. Improv there? No. Where else?

No. Where? I think it's called Side Improv there? No. Somewhere else? No. Where? I think it's called Sidesplitters. Sidesplitters in Tampa? Yeah. I didn't even know they had a Sidesplitters in Tampa.

Oh, it's a big deal. I'm going to be the Sidesplitters. Have you been to the Sidesplitters in Knoxville? No. I'm going there. Really?

When are you going? May. Shit. We should try and plan our wedding in the middle of our side splitters dates. I love it.

I'm so excited. Amy Schumer ladies and gentlemen. We're registered. Alright. Amy Schum. That's just like a bonus guest, you guys. Yeah.

I got four dudes back there. Ready to go. Let's see what they brought. Let's see what's in the prize bag. See if there's any clues. Maybe one of them brought my first CD, Doug Benson, Professional Humoridian. I doubt it.

Maybe one of them. No, I definitely brought this. Magic the Gathering. Duel decks. These are decks for people that are ready to duel, but with cards. It's called safe dueling.

I also, I've, what time is it now? Probably five-ish, right? I've already been to two strip clubs today. And they all have a terrific magazine that they give out. I think Portland might be, or this area, might be the only place that has not only a magazine for strip clubs,

but there's a million different places in here that are all right here in the Pacific Northwest. So, if you like ladies dancing around naked, just move to Portland, because you can have one any time you're having a drink anywhere. It's pretty awesome. And then,

did you guys see me and Pete Holmes on AM Northwest? One of the other prizes that I won that I'm going to pay forward is the World Almanac from 2003. The guy in the audience yelling for it. He's excited.

That's from 2003. And then we also have, since this is happening during the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, we have a lovely Bridgetown Comedy Festival T-shirt. And this is really crazy. This is a, I think it's watercolor, I'm going to guess.

Yeah, seems right. It's a watercolor portrait of me that is nicely framed. So whoever wins that is going to have to find a place to throw it out where I might not see it. Where me and the artist might not see it and be terribly offended.

So please help me in welcoming to the stage my friends Sean Jordan, Mark Agee, Andy Wood, and Pete Holmes. Woo! Yeah! I brought donuts, Doug. Who wants a donut? This one's got rabbit shit on it. No, you brought them out here to give away as part of the prize package.

No, I just want to give them away up top. All right. Just give somebody a donut. Eat this, Jesus. The reverse communion. I like it. That would have been so fun. He's going to multiply them.

Everybody gets a donut now. Get some water. We're going to get fucked up tonight. This one I broke in half, but that makes it like communion for us. That would have been so much funnier if you handed that to a guy who looked nothing like Jesus

and just said, eat this, Jesus. Mark Agee brought some apples. I'm playing for a hug. I told you that. Oh, you. I'm playing for a hug. I told you that. Oh, you did. You did. My gift is a hug.

Yeah. If you win today, you're going to get a hug from him. So know that's happening whether you like it or not. I'll be giving a hand up. So try to be a girl. Yeah. I like how you picked the one table with already a whole plate of cupcakes at it. A donut to go with it.

That's Michael. That's how you pronounce her name. It's Michael. What's your dad's name? Ruth. Pretty easy. Pretty easy. But it's spelled R-Y-T-H.

It's masculine. There's a Y in there. What is your dad's name? Dan. Fuck you, Dan. Named your daughter Michael. Eat a bag of dicks forever, you regular named motherfucker. Take care of him, the Lord. I really wish you guys could see this guy.

He looks so much like Jesus, I want to get him some bed sheets. This is amazing. You think Jesus had a lot of ink on his arms? Yeah, man. Oh, I thought that was blood. It's a pretty good joke. He's got a tattoo on his hand that says, no nails.

I liked it. Loaves and fishes, man. What is your name, Jesus? Greg? Good. Normal. Michael? Beat it. I'm just kidding. You're doing great. What's your middle name? Are you really doing crowd work?

Yeah. Doug, I had a donut backstage. I have pure sugar in my veins. I am freaking out. And I feel so fat. You eat one donut. You know what I mean? You finish it.

It's a good idea until the last bite, and then you're just like, I feel jiggly. There's no need. It's been donut overload the finish it. It's a good idea until the last bite and then you're just like, I feel jiggly. There's no need. It's been donut overload the entire weekend. It is. Voodoo donuts is very generous with the donuts. But I want to give a specific shout out to

Dulci. Is that how you pronounce it? D-U-L-C-I DulciMerchant.com Yeah, that looks like Dulci. Are specifically who brought the donuts here today, correct? Yes, that's you? You're Dolce Merchant?

I thought it was going to be like an assassin. Doesn't that sound like an assassin? You've been Dolchied. Yeah, the merchant part doesn't sound like an assassin. Sounds like a seller of goods. I don't like this show. The failure of assassinations. That was Andy Wood.

Pete, you're going to have plenty of time to talk. Yes. Let's say hi to the other guests. Andy Wood is here, everybody. Thank you very much. Glad to be here. Yeah, study up on the Leonard Moulton game on your phone, Pete, because Andy Wood is a current champion.

He's going to be competing soon in the third tournament of championships against the amazing Kate Micucci and equally amazing Jon Hamm. Yes. Three of the best players We've ever had Going head to head It's going to be sick You and Jon Hamm both And Kate are just very zen

And very focused And a lot of zero names A lot of negative names It's going to be intense Also Jon Hamm is very busy So it also may never happen What the fuck is he doing, dude? But I'll try to...

Yeah, he's like, oh, my TV series is on hiatus. I have to do 17 motion pictures. And then Mad Men will come back again in five years. We have long hiatuses. And Andy Wood is also the... Is curator the right word? Inventor? Whatever you like.

Creator? Merchant. The fucking puppet master? He is the puppet master of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. So that's very exciting. And can you give us a progress report? Has the festival been a smash this year? I believe it's gone well. Have you guys gone to other shows

and liked them? Yeah. According to the comedians at 5 a.m. every night who come up and give drunken hugs, it's been good. So that's a good sign. Oh, yeah. Well, they just want to come back next year. That's a good point. Don't listen to them. Talk to the audience.

See what they think. Jesus? Thumbs up from Jesus. Double thumbs up from Jesus. Yeah, yeah, which hurts his hands. He's still recovering from his wounds. So a thumbs up is like, ow! Going to Jesus, man, wakes the crowd up like Lazarus. If you didn't get that joke, go to church, guys.

Go to church. That's the lesson here today. It's Sunday. What are you doing here? You look like you're really digging all this Jesus shit. You into it? Well, he gets it constantly. Yeah.

He's fucking pissed at me. I get Val Kilmer every day. Is that a problem? It's weird, though, that he keeps turning his wine into water. That's such a weird... That's like a Portland Jesus turns his wine into water. That's such a weird... That's like a Portland Jesus turns his wine into water. Reverse Jesus.

Then you roll a stone and go into the tomb. Jesus, if you sit in the front, it's going to happen. And we know his name is Greg, and that's what makes it all the more insulting. The Lord, how you doing? Keep going, Doug. His name tag is a werewolf face. He didn't even try to go with a Jesus name tag,

like some sort of Last Temptation of Christ name tag or something. Yeah, too obvious, I guess. That's cool. Yeah, but, you know, werewolves, Jesus, both very hairy faced. It's true. If you shaved the eyes of a werewolf, he'd be like, what's up, I'm here to save you. If he has hair on his eyes,

that's not Jesus. Run and find some silver. You see what? That was a beautiful moment because he did a real... Any kind of silver? Yeah, any kind of silver. You could even throw... Anything silver, you just shove it into him. Throw a Coors Light at a werewolf. It'll slow him down. Silver bullet.

Not gonna get any better than that. Thank you, guys. I gotta go. Oh, Pete's gotta go everybody You were gonna let me go I'm back to the streets of Portland to play my favorite game Who's homeless Impossible to win Impossible to win

Don't you have to go over and do the Delocated show It's still happening You're not on that That was the joke Don't you have to go over and do the Delocated show? It's still happening. Oh, no, that's you. You're not on that. Fuck you. That was the joke. I don't even know why I said that.

All right. Mark Agee is here, everybody. He is a fun guy, funny guy that I'm friends with, but I thought it was funny to replace Steve Agee had to cancel, so I thought, well, that'll be easy for me to not fuck up if we get Mark Agee to do it. But you also are

no relation to Steve Agee whatsoever. Well, my dad was a long-haul trucker with loose morals, so it would not surprise me if he had a secret family in another state, but not that I know of you could take a nap on Steve Agee's shoulder why did he cancel

is he fighting bears guys if you were here this would be 48% funnier I'm a big motherfucker I'm actually Steve Agee's Quatto I just pop out of his I just got surgically removed from Steve Agee Quatto?

Total Recall. I thought you were saying you were an Audi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, Pete. Every once in a while, Pete, someone's going to drag movies into this podcast. Give them their ass. It's not just going to be crowd work with non- What is your mother's name?

Non-movie stars. Richard? Answer me. It's Diane, isn't it? It's Diane? Non-movie stars. Richard? Answer me. It's Diane, isn't it? It's Diane? She doesn't have a brother. Oh, I said mother, and I thought she said I don't have a mother, and I was like, good night.

Crowdwork 101, just leave. It's got to be weird for dudes. During sex, do dudes just call you you? Like, hey, you. Because Michael's got to be a weird thing for a dude to say. Who's straight. A lot of buddies.

Way to go, pal. When I'm almost done and ready for her to be done, I would whisper, Michael, row your boat ashore. Oh shit, I just got a text from somebody going hey, could you by any chance get us into the show? Our festival passes don't work. You know what else doesn't work? Me getting a text while the show's already

going. You don't even have their name in your phone, which I think that's a 2012 passive-aggressive insult. You know those people that you don't add them? You're like, no, you're 323818. You know what I mean? Like, fuck you. You're not important to me.

Who is it? I just haven't entered her name yet. We were talking about her before. She works at the Comedy on State in Madison. Oh, I know her. So I just haven't entered her name in yet. I didn't know she was here. She works at the Comedy on State in Madison. Oh. I know her. So I just haven't entered her name in yet. I didn't know she was here. She's fun. Yeah, she manages a club, so I thought if she came and saw you guys, you could get some work.

Thanks a lot, dude. Good job, man. And then she didn't get in because she doesn't have a festival badge. What are you going to do? This is fringe shit happening right here. A badge doesn't get you in. But Sean Jordan is here.

Did I mention you yet? Nope. Yeah. He's the one that brought this lovely portrait. My friend Shane Schroeder is a really good artist, and he did it for me, and I'm stoked. Normally I just give away like MacGruber or something, so I'm happy I actually have something to give away. That's very nice, but he knew that's me. And I'm stoked. Normally I just give away like MacGruber or something, so I'm happy I actually

have something to give away. That's very nice, but he knew that's what you were going to do with it? Yeah. Just give it to somebody that is not... He didn't just paint me a picture of you to have. I don't like that much, Doug. You know you want a picture of me to have. I just got a new MacBook, and I don't want to go to RedTube a lot, so paint me a portrait of Doug.

Yeah, I painted a nude of Doug that I brought, but I didn't want to go to RedTube a lot, so pay me a portrait of Doug. Yeah, I painted a nude of Doug that I brought, but I didn't want to be redundant. Why are you in Japan? Also, Eve did get in, so don't worry about that anymore. Hey, Eve. Welcome, Eve. Welcome, Eve. What's happening, Eve? How are you, Eve? Any of this Eve humor?

Quit sucking up to her. Jesus died because of your stupid sin, Eve. Bible joke? It's not all about Eve you guys What is that? That was for everyone here that's over 50 an all about Eve reference Everyone here just knows

about all about Steve I think that's why that Sandra Bullock movie wasn't a hit Because people didn't even know that was a reference to anything It wasn't a hit, what world are you living in dude? I watched the shit out of that movie All About Steve? Who was in that? Only Bradley Cooper And Bradley Cooper, yeah

And Hari Kondabolu actually makes an appearance This sounds like a nightmare I'm kidding, I didn't actually see it. I'm kidding. I love Hari. That was a joke and no one laughed. Now Hari and I are nemeses. Hari?

So some of the people here tonight saw you and I on AM Northwest together. Oh, yeah. That was fun. Yeah. Early in the morning. And just real quickly in front of everyone, I just have one question for you. And that is,

thermite? I thought they asked me what did they line the twin towers with. Instead of the question which was what was Han Solo frozen in? So I just blanked. I said thermite. Yeah, it's carbonite. It's carbonite.

Can't be the only one that saw that internet video. Come on, guys. This is Doug Love's conspiracy internet videos, right? Little documentary you should watch called Loose Change. Yeah.

Everybody gets those confused. I mean, I always thought the Jews called in sick to work to the Millennium Falcon. I can't. Everybody gets those confused. I always thought the Jews called in sick to work to the Millennium Falcon. I can't.

Sean is also a very good Leonard Maltin game player. Yeah, I am. Play-a, if you will. I will. Yeah, you've been to the Tournament of Championships before. And I lost. Yeah, I lost to Kate, I think. You lost to the band Cake? Yeah, I lost to Cake. Who did you lose to? Kate, Makuchi, I And I lost. Yeah, I lost to Kate, I think. You lost to the band Cake?

Yeah, I lost to Cake. Who did you lose to? Kate, Makuchi, I think I lost to. Cool. Good story, Sean. I'll keep doing that. I'll keep doing shit like that, so buckle up. Guys, is Eve here? I'll keep rain and thunder like that down on you guys. Yeah, she made it in. She made it.

Yeah, yeah, she's in. So, what was the last movie you saw, Sean Jordan? What do you think my last name was? Did you say Jorgen right there? Jordan? I know, you know it. Raid Redemption, we went and saw the other day. Yeah!

Is there a lot of people who haven't seen it here? Well, if you narrow it down based on who didn't applaud, if you go by all those people that didn't applaud when they said who saw the raid, those would be the people who haven't seen it. There's a small section. Quite a few. Quite a few haven't seen it yet.

Very rarely someone sees it and just couldn't muster the will to clap. I saw it, but I'm not going to give my clapping vote. I didn't approve of 38 stories of nonstop violence. Oh, that's what that was. What? I feel like you guys are making fun of me. What? I feel like you guys are making fun of me. No, I feel like I'm talking and Pete's talking over me,

but whatever you want to call it. Pretty standard. Yeah, the raid. I saw the raid and I really liked it. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Yeah. Yeah, raid two is already in progress, I heard. And they're already going to make also an American raid

for people that... And I'm not happy about that. All that occasional reading of Look Out was bothering people. This movie is fucking non-stop violence. The story does not matter. And some people, but I don't want to read.

That movie could have been just in the language that it was in. I sound like a dick because I don't know what language it was in. But I would have got the plot 100% if there were no subtitles. I'd be like, oh, they're brothers. it was in. I sound like a dick because I don't know what language it was in. But I would have got the plot 100% if there were no subtitles. I'd be like, oh, they're brothers. It was done in Indonesia, so is

Indonesian the language it would be in? I assume so. I would assume so too, but I don't know for a fact. Is that maybe a bad person that I don't know for a fact that it's Indonesian? Yeah, yeah. Can someone speak to whether that is a language? Is that a language? Don't talk to me like I'm dumb.

Not everybody knew that. The director of the movie doesn't speak Indonesian. He just had translators and worked it all out with everybody and did an amazing job. Made it real hard for himself. Well, you know, kick that guy in the face. That's the same in any language.

Yeah, yeah. What have you seen lately, Mark Agee? I think the last movie I saw was The Grey. That was awesome. Yeah. I saw that. Why didn't we all love that? That was the best.

It was exactly what I expected. It was Liam Neeson kicking the shit out of wolves. Why the fuck aren't we there now? Yeah. It was awesome. Well, first of all, I don't think he kicks the shit out of a single wolf in the entire movie.

Spoiler alert. But secondly, he is good at telling people that they're dying and talking them through it. Yes. He does that frequently in the movie. He's a very well educated wolf sniper He knows a lot of poetry

His father's poetry He knows everything about everything And the other character is always like What the fuck who put you in charge And then they're dead And then the next guy is like Yeah but who put you in charge Aren't you guys getting this

That he's the best at surviving in wolf land So ridiculous But but it's entertaining. It has some of the best death scenes ever. It's a fun movie, yeah. Some of the best death scenes ever, and that's what I'm looking for. I totally recommend it. Also, not your turn to speak. I just don't think you have the right enthusiasm

level for a movie about Liam Neeson kicking the shit out of Wolf Land. I have a feeling that everyone would have the wrong level if it's not an opportunity, you know, it creates an opportunity for you to speak. Let's try it again. I'll ask Andy what he's seen lately, and we'll see if what he's saying

could keep you from interjecting. I swear to God, if I've seen it, I'm all over it. If it's Jeff who lives at home, I'm right there. So, Andy Wood, creator of Bridgetown Festival, what have you seen lately? I saw The Hunger Games two weeks ago. Fuck.

That's something you can't speak on? Really? I didn't see it. I haven't seen it, but I have an opinion on it. Right? You know why? I don't like watching things that haven't seen it, but I have an opinion on it. Right? You know why? I don't like watching things that make me think I'll be hungry the whole time.

That's real. Like that Sopranos episode where Pauly and Christopher are in the woods. I can't watch that without a big hoagie. Yeah, I don't like watching things that it's just going to be games. I want a serious movie. You ever think that like... Yeah, that guy fucking doesn't like it I have a theory that one of the reasons

Americans are so poorly prepared for Fucking everything is that Hollywood makes Futuristic dystopias look pretty awesome Yeah It's just a well fed hungry people Yeah It's like the overlord of Earth Was like bring me the finest specimens

For the ultimate competition to the death And also let's have all of them be fuckable. Not just fuckable, they're beautiful. I only want hot young movie stars. The Walking Dead,

the people that survived, yeah, I'd hit all those chicks. Even the old sure weren't the lesbians. Oh, come on, really? I keep waiting for her to do an Activia commercial.

Oh. Come on, really? I keep waiting for her to do an Activia commercial. Sometimes you get a little backed up in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Not a lot of fiber. I love everything post-apocalyptic. I love Book of Eli. Nobody likes that movie. I like Book of Eli, okay. I like The Road. Oh, you did like it?

It's so simple. Life is so simple. You get up and walk west with a book or a child. Your choice. There's no power. Whichever one's stories you prefer. Yeah, just go.

Just go. There's no meetings. There's no cell phones. Fight motorcycle gangs when applicable. That's all you need to do. I yearn for that. I often find myself wishing that there would be an apocalypse so life would get a little simpler. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I have a damn computer in my pocket.

Just shoot anyone who looks a little sketchy. Like, George Zimmerman would totally fucking win in that universe. I'm saying he was built for that world, not this one. Says member of the hoodie council. Yeah, exactly. This audience is like, we don't have racial conflicts in Portland because we don't have races. Exactly. It is like a snowstorm here.

I feel like mayonnaise on Wonder Bread. That's what this whole town is. snowstorm here. I feel like mayonnaise on Wonder Bread. That's what this whole town is. I feel like

Portland was started as a colony by white people who wanted to do the whitest shit imaginable and then not

have any of the cooler races look down on them for it. That's what this place is. Dude, I love it.

I love it here. I love it here, but that's not why. Yeah. The whole hotel was woken up, Dude I love it here I love it here But that's not why Yeah The whole The whole hotel Our whole hotel

Was woken up Yesterday morning By an adult Marching band Playing in the park Next door An adult Like a bunch of dudes

Were like I want to relive My glory days When I was in a High school Fucking marching band At 10am on a Sunday Just swimming in it

In high school dude Exactly That tuba still Yeah say what you want About black people They rarely have Drum circles at 10 a.m. on a Saturday. Just swimming in it in high school, dude. Exactly. I had that tuba still. Yeah, say what you want about black people. They rarely have drum circles. Yeah. That's pretty awesome.

It's all the shape. It's a line versus a circle. Like, that's the separation between the races, right? You've unified us as a people. But they do drum lines in front of an audience. Like, drum circles happen. Like, nobody gives a shit if there's an audience. Yeah.

Yeah. The guy that started it looks up in the middle and goes, this happened. What the fuck? Magic is real. I just thought I had 18 hands and then I looked up and there's all these other fucking drummers. Yeah. Even that dragon's drumming.

One of the other colleagues told me she saw a children's calypso band Playing in the street the other day That is child abuse Report that Like my first steel drum Yeah, keep Portland weird But some of your citizens are carrying more of the load I saw a man with a crow in his beard and weird, but some of your citizens are carrying more of the load than yours.

I saw a man with a crow in his beard. That means two of you can be accountants. What did he have in his beard? A crow. A dead crow. I saw an obese blind man walking down the street earlier with his cane and no shirt.

Question, was it a candy cane? When you said obese blind man cane, I'm like, it's got stripes on it up here. I don't know what happened in reality, but that's a delicious treat. And a chocolate dog. I guess I should have said chocolate lab, but it was really chocolate. We all got it.

Guys, it's been great. I've got to go. Pete Holmes, everybody. What? Stop! Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming, Pete. I'm going to be here the whole show. You've got to get over the delocated thing.

You've got to go over there and watch it. I forgot. I'm Amy Schumer. Do you think she was serious about she and I getting married? Yeah, man. I felt some strong vibes there. I don't think you're good husband material. I would totally marry her.

No, I'm terrible husband material, but she'd be a terrible wife, so it's perfect. Yeah. Do you guys hunger for games? Yeah. Yeah. Let's play some Don't Look at My Sheet, Pete.

It won't help me. It might, seeing exactly what the movies are ahead of time. It should. It might help you a little bit. What is this? Keep your eyes front. That's that thing that was sitting on the table

when I came out that no one will admit is theirs. Shadow Man. Shadow Man can't be like, yeah, it's me. He's fucking Shadow Man. He's fucking hiding in the shadows. I feel like now he has my DNA. I'm dead. I also feel like someone's going to call him a shithead in the shadows. I feel like now he has my DNA. Like, I'm dead.

I also feel like someone's going to call him a shithead at the end. Shadow Man. Ripe for the picking. This was drawn in haste, too. Like, he came to the show, he's like, I can't wait to give Doug my fucking... I fucking left it at home. Jesus Christ. Real fast, Shadow Man.

The one at home was better. Thank you, Shadow Man. That at home was better Thank you, Shadow Man That's gonna be part Oh! From the shadows Alright Let's start with Sean down there Just so it'll be a minute or two Before Pete speaks again

No, it won't be a minute or two before Pete speaks again. No, it won't be a minute or two before Pete speaks again. Over under 12 seconds. I'll give you the starter title. You know what to do. Mark, do you know how to play this game? Yes, sir. It's your first time on the show, but you've seen it before. You know what's up.

Someone named Shut Up Tim. So he's got a lot of self-esteem to come up with the Twitter name Shut Up, Tim. Also, another dude named AtPatBear is a friend of mine, Pat, B-A-E-R. They both suggested, and this is a good starter title, Time Cop. What have you got? Time Cop and a half? Yeah.

Time Cop and a half. You're goddamn right. There's some polite applause for that So we go to Mark You need something that ends in time Or begins with half Out of time cop and a half Out of time I like it

Nice golf applause Led by the area where Shadow Man is He's a big fan. He's working it from the shadows. He's a liar? Debate over credit for Shadow Man. Here we go. You guys, I've just noticed something

that I haven't noticed about each of you until right now. You all have beautiful eyes. We're doing it. It must be the lighting here. all have beautiful eyes. We're doing it! It must be the lighting here. Like, look at his eyes. Yeah. You look like the killer. He looks like the killer in 88 minutes.

If you get that reference, we're friends forever. Do you all have blue eyes? Is that the deal? It's weird that you say that because I've had the shows that I've done here recently in the last two months, I've had girls who would never talk to me come up and tell me how beautiful my eyes are.

I think there's something about your color eyes with the lights and this backdrop, you all look great. Yeah. I will tear those eyes out and fuck that socket and I've seen the sun come up every night this week so that's a good thing

the eyes must be really beautiful you've seen it and remember it? yeah I'm sober by then what the fuck am I still doing up type sober ok Andy you need ends with out or starts with half I'm gonna go cop out out time cop and a half.

It's the best movie titles have the word cop in them twice. Cop, out, out, time, cop, and a half. Half Life. Half Life? Is that a movie? A video game? That's a video game. Fuck me in the ass, man.

That's a video game. I was really hoping that was a movie? Video game? That's a video game. Fuck me in the ass, man. That's a video game. I was really hoping that was a movie. Wait, half? Hey. Wait for it. We're playing the game. Now, have you never listened or been to a show before? Is that why you thought just yelling out the answer would be the way to go?

It is a Doug Manson show. People might just yell out baked at random points. Yeah. That's a good point. She just got around to calling me on it. I figured it out. Baked. She's been sitting there all night.

I'm going to yell out baked as soon as there's silence. I hope it doesn't happen right before half is the word. What is the first word? Cobb. I can take it? I guess so, sure. My movie, man. I think.

Me and Jim Brewer made that movie. It was great. So that's how you think you could cheat? Is by doing a Dave Chappelle impression? Damn. I think. That was Chappelle? That was Chappelle.

God damn. I call Neil Brennan twice a week and go, Neil, change my mind, man. See you tomorrow. I just hang up and let him cry. Let him cry every day. Turns out we do get $50 million. Surprise!

I was looking the other way. I thought Dave Chappelle's not here. I thought he was for a second. I thought it was Ernest from the Ernest movies. Really, I haven't been in. It's also Ross Perot and the Z's. He's dead, Jesus. Ross Perot and the Z's.

Randy. What if Jesus in the front row did us all a favor and brought Ernest back just to be on this podcast? I knew I had something funny to say. So, Sean, do you have something that ends in cop or begins with baked? RoboCop. Nephew, where was that? Yeah, nephew.

Nice. RoboCop out of TimeCop and a half baked. If this gets back to me, can that woman yell out again? No. I forbid her to yell out again. She got one in. Good for her. All right. Please don't yell out again. She got one in. Good for her. All right.

Please don't yell out. Mark. Was it a robo? Ends in robo. Or begins in baked. Or robe. Robe, but you can't do the robe. Oh, shit.

Yeah, that might be stoppers. Baked. There wasn't a movie called... I hear people saying things like they're trying to contribute in some way, and I'm going to ask you again, please don't. I beg you not to even speak it quietly amongst yourselves. Just sit there. You're like, you're a fucking Jeopardy taping,

and we will throw you out if you say an answer out loud. Alex Trebek wouldn't put up with it. Why do I have to? out loud. Alex Trebek wouldn't put up with it. Why do I have to? That is the first time anyone's ever said, Alex Trebek wouldn't have to put up with this shit, and I'll be damned. Because you and Alex Trebek

operate on the same playing field. That's where it goes. I came here to get drunk and high with Doug Benson, not to be yelled at by a drunk and high Doug Benson. Where does he get off? I guarantee Pat Sajak says, Alex Trebek doesn't have to put up with this shit every day.

Really? There's a 20-minute wait? Alex Trebek doesn't have to put up with this shit. I'd like to buy a vowel. F you! You're saying big money again, you fucking hack. I gotta listen to this shit. Quit stalling, Mark. The mask of Zorobocop

time. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Welcome to the episode that never ends. No, it's about Dan. We got some good players.

Mask of Zorobocop. That's amazing, dude. That should be a movie. That should be a movie that we should all make. Mask of Zorobocop? Yeah. Like there's a Robocop that wants to be chill and not... I don't want people to know who I am.

So I'm going to wear a mask. And get tons of pussy. The only robot cop in town. The only one in Detroit. But he's got a mask on, so we're not sure. Zo RoboCop's always bitching because RoboCop doesn't have to put up with this shit. By day, mild-mannered RoboCop.

Zo RoboCop. Sore Robocop. Oh, you guys are the best. Oh, that's rich. Andy Wood's got something. All of this stalling didn't mean no good whatsoever. Oh, it didn't? You weren't thinking that whole time? I fully believe that baked is a complete stopper. It is impossible to start with baked or ached or k'ta.

No, no, I got it. I got one for you. Okay, well, you'll be next. But you got to use the mask part. Can I just... And you can't say the mask. I can't do Eric Stoltz, just mask. Can't do the mask or mask.

But I've thought of one. That ends in mask? Yeah, yeah. I have one. I never have one. Oh, uh, uh, uh. I've thought of one that ends in mask yeah yeah I have one I never have one oh um um it's like an

Alexander Dumas movie right isn't there like don't try to hypnotize him with your beautiful eyes again man in the mask

I think it's pronounced Dumas no it's Dumas pretty sure Dumas it's French man in the mask of Zorro

there you go so close what's it called man in the iron mask yeah man in the Mask of Zorro and the Cop. So close. What's it called? Man in the Iron Mask. Yeah! Man in the Iron Mask! Yeah! Oh, my God. Trust those baby blues.

He'll take you there. If you were Graham Elwood, I would not have allowed multiple answers like that. If he was Graham Elwood, he'd be walking around on the speakers right now, just in front of everybody getting by. Okay, help me through it

because I think I might have one. Okay, you just need something that ends in man. Man, he made it very easy for you. Yeah, but I want to do it the hard way.

Man in the Iron Mask, blah, blah, blah, League of Their Own all the way to Baked. League of Their Own, Extraordinary Gentleman, Monopoly the movie. Baked,

Edward Scissorhands. Yeah. Baked, Edward Scissorhands.. Baked Edward Scissorhands. Yeah. Baked Edward Scissorhands. Baked Edward Scissorhands. Baked Edward Scissorhands. It ends in the word add. Baked Edward Scissorhands. I'm pretty sure it's not. You let it go yesterday. Every time you've watched or talked about

half-baked, you've pronounced it half-baked-ed. Somebody did that yesterday. I was here. And you let it ride. I remember. It's a Shakespeare adaptation. What happened yesterday? Wait, I'm not allowed to do that? I don't want to bend the rules of this stoner hippie game.

But somebody did it yesterday. I was here. Other things Alex Trebek has never said. Yeah, but yesterday I was more in the mood for it. Don't look at my eye sockets after saying in the mood. Just call it, Doug.

Just say I lost and we'll move on. Okay, you lost. Because all you had to do instead of showing off with that weird answer is something that ends in man. Iron man. That's all you needed. And all you did was help the next guy. Oh, it keeps going.

Yeah, it keeps going. How do you think this works? I don't know. How many times do you have to be on? I'm so sorry. Sean Jordan. Can I say Winnebago Man Yes you can

Great documentary Winnebago Man I love how I can get applause just for saying a movie I wish jokes were like that Just cause okay you thought of a joke It's not funny but I'm gonna clap I wish it was like that but it's not Don't worry you'll write some clappy jokes someday

Try doing a joke that's like a long sentence that when it finally ends, they clap just because you said a lot of words. That works. There it is. Mark, what do you got? What are we on now? It has to end in win.

End in win. Yeah. Are you guys not thinking about these while the bench is going on? I am, Doug. I am. I'm taking this seriously because I want to win this game. Twin, Schwinn. Blank win.

I don't fucking know. Alright, he's out. Were you already out? No, I think I got Man in the Iron Mask under the watch. Oh yeah, you did. Come on, let me say a bunch of titles until I hit on one that's real. Boys, boys, boys.

Is it Man of the Mask? Or ending in words, scissorhands. Man of the Mask movies. You just need a movie that ends in win. Go. Ends in win? Ends in win, as in like win win Yeah

Motherfucker Okay now you need a movie that ends in win Win win win No no no That's the That's the Vietnamese remake right But how is there not a movie named Baked Alaska? Which, by the way, would be a great title

for a movie about Doug Benson working on a crab boat. Here's your log line. I'm writing it down. Crab boat. I'm going to look at it tomorrow and go, what was I writing down? Restaurant ideas? I've always meant to eat at Crab Boat. I'm going to look at it tomorrow and go, what was I writing down? Restaurant ideas? I've always meant to eat at Crab Boat. Do you have any movie that ends in win? I'm out anyway, right?

I'm out from Edward Scissorhands. Oh, you're out. Okay, Sean. My nemesis is here. I don't think so. Get lost in my eyes for a while. Let me think about it. I don't know No I don't And hands was the other one? Gotta start with hands

No it wasn't even It was baked Baked We didn't allow Edward Scissorhands I'd like to think There's a long distance trucker Listening to this podcast Furious that you wouldn't allow

Edward Scissorhands I'd like to think That there's one trucker Listening to this Cause that seems like A bit of a reach It's your target demo I don't I can't think of anything Oh trucker listening to this? Because that seems like a bit of a reach. It's your target demo.

I can't think of anything. I don't know. I download it, and now I've got it on my iPod, and I plug it into the dashboard, and I listen to the shit out of that shit. I don't know what you were talking about. A trucker just threw his iPod out the fucking window. Speaking of a reach,

he reached under the seat and got a shotgun and he's coming for us. We're dead. He wants to talk to Candy Cane. Where's it at? Who's it on? I think Andy Wood wins. I think he tapped out and Andy wins.

Andy Wood wins. I don't know if that was... The crowd already decided. I'm not really on board with this as a win, I don't think. I don't know. They made their mind up. They just don't like guys with hoodies on. I think that's the thing. Crowdful of Zimmermans. Show your arms, guys.

Don't be afraid. Yeah, I can't think of anything that... Do you have anything now, ma'am, that ends in win? Now that it's something tricky? Twins? Twins? No, but it's got that stupid S in there. I didn it's something tricky. Twins. Twins. Twins. No, but it's got an S.

It's got that stupid S in it. Twin. I didn't even think of the word twin. And now they're making twins too with Eddie Murphy's going to be the third. Third twin, however that works.

You'd think they'd call it triplets. Is that real? Mm-hmm. If I had a ton of money, I'd keep pitching movies to Eddie Murphy and see what shit he wouldn't do. You know, just

keep paying him his quote. What if we only gave you ten words? Alright, so the finished title is Win Win Win Win the Bag Go Man in the Iron Mask of Zorro Robo Cop Out of Time Cop

and Half-Baked Dead, and Half-Baked, Deadward Citizen. Half-Baked, my favorite movie. You only speak in Shakespearean iambic pentameter. That's right. I am so baked right now. So Andy's our winner? Yeah. I don't know how many times we've got to rub it in everybody else's face.

There's going to be an asterisk in the record books, I think, for Man in the Iron Mask, and I can live with that. Well, you know, also we don't have to keep track of these things because that game's just for fun. It doesn't really matter. You just get to go first in the Leonard Maltin game, which is a strong advantage for a player like yourself. But now it's time. You guys got your name tags? Let's pick some name tags, you guys. Go out and physically take

from the person the name tag, whoever you'd like to play for. Michael's got his cupcakes out. That's terrifying. Look in the back! Yeah, look in the back, you guys. There's a guy in the back who wants you to look at him.

Hey, Pete! Shiny! Ghostbusters, dude! Shiny! Shiny! Pete! Pete, you have to see Pete. One, two, three.

Pete! Right here, Pete! Thank you so much. All right, we got two of you have, three of you, all four of you have name tags. Well done. My hands are shaking from the DTs. This gentleman wants me to move the prize bag so that he could see better. Nice.

He brought the donuts. He deserves to be able to see Yeah Assuming this is Greg I'm gonna Yeah It's the coolest thing ever Yeah

That's funny I'm playing for Jesus This time I save you You just wanted to say that So you have So you're playing for Greg actually Yeah And he's got a werewolf face

Yep Hold it up to your face I did Yeah No mask can cover your whole face Well don't cover up your eyes They're gorgeous I like how the werewolf face. Hold it up to your face. No mask can cover your whole face. Well, don't cover up your eyes. I like how the werewolf's saying the name like a werewolf would say the name.

Greg. That's how Tony the Tiger would say it. How do your werewolves talk? That's what Tony the Tiger says to cereal every day. That's how he eats it. He calls it cereal Greg. That's pretty cool. I like how..., so Andy's playing

for a guy who made a Ghostbusters sign with his Ghostbusters logo, but my face but also he decided, like, my face isn't fat enough. He was like, you know what, let's fat out his face a little bit more.

He gave you goiters. And then, yeah. I've got serious fucking jowls or whatever you call them. It still looks like me, though. That's the saddest part. It's a pretty good drawing apart from the quagmire. You just got your wisdom teeth pulled out.

It's a little much. I do like the, uh, Justin makes me feel good. Yeah, so I assume your name is Justin Yes That's what he says every time he comes Justin makes me feel good Now we know what your ghost will look like I don't even change it to Justin

Whenever I come I go Justin makes me feel good Alright and then We were just joking that there's a ghost of you And I was saying backstage that your epitaph will say, Doug loved movies. It's true. You're too beloved for us to laugh.

It's a tombstone, Doug loved movies. Who doesn't, you dead piece of shit? People just putting down flowers and pictures of their side boobs. Side boob Sunday. So Mark picked out, because he's a stand-up comic and probably appreciates the work of George Carlin, like it's a poster for a George Carlin show. I believe it's not a show that's coming on.

I don't know, Jesus? You want to take this one? I don't know how long ago it was, but that's pretty cool. It's autographed to John. By George Carlin. Yeah. That's amazing. I'm assuming you're John.

I can't believe you're letting Mark keep that. Yeah, thanks, buddy. That seems like a really nice... I'm changing my name to John. Really nice poster. All right, so that's who you're playing for. And then Sean's playing for Sean. Dude named Sean. Spelled it the wrong way, but that's all right. Spe for And then Sean's playing for Sean Dude named Sean

Spelled differently Spelled the more masculine way Spelled wrong It's actually a girl You're saying it's a bad thing Oh, that's right It's spelled the girly way, you're right At least mine's unisex

Yeah, if a girl's named Sean, that's how it's spelled But, okay, good for you, Sean And that's what a That's like Legos? Yeah, I didn't even know that. I just went and picked it because it said Sean on it. We were in Appleton, Wisconsin recently. Jesus is leaving, but don't worry.

He'll be back. Those are going in. Those are going in. Half court. Swish, swish, swish, swish. Great to be on the show, Doug. Thanks for having me. Just whatever joke youish, swish, swish. Great to be on the show, Doug. Thanks for having me. Just whatever joke you have,

whenever you have it, just jump in. That was a window! He's gonna be gone for a little while, I'm guessing. Oh shit, he's back already. Three Jesus days. Yeah, yeah, but when I'm in the middle of a sentence, that sentence has more of it to come,

and sometimes there's a joke at the end of it. And when you just jump in with a different joke that you could have said now or now or now, that's when I get frustrated. I'm sorry. It's getting a little real. It was a really funny joke, but you're not the only person out here. There's a host who's trying to move it forward and a guest that he was speaking to at the time. One audience member had to go take a shit because even Jesus has to take a shit every once in a while.

You don't need to comment on something the second it happens. There was a window. I regret nothing. If it's you alone on stage, do that all you want. That's how stand-up comedy works. Will you follow his lead and forgive me? Boys, boys. See, the weird thing about Jesus is everybody thinks he's coming back to his table,

but he's not. See, I got one, too. I got one, too. See, it's me being an atheist. That was good. Nobody steps on Alex Trebek's fucking punchline. How dare you suggest that Jesus is not coming back. That's a really stern look you gave me.

It's really serious. That's the most serious I've ever seen you be. He couldn't hold it. Apparently the last supper was wings. They are all facing us. That's a of perfect. Also, just think to yourself, does this have anything to do with movies,

what I'm about to say? That's another reason to not say it. I formally apologize on your podcast. Is this the podcast? That I'm sorry. It's happening right now. When do we start the podcast, guys? So I'm playing for Sean.

Yeah. Playing for Sean. Hey, Doug, I heard last week you were in Appleton, Wisconsin. Yeah, I was going to tell a story that that's how stand-up comedy works. Like, sometimes when you interrupt a joke with another joke, when you try to go back to the joke you were telling when you

interrupted yourself, you fuck yourself. But at least you're only fucking yourself instead of the guy that had you on his show that had something funny to say that you decided to fucking step all over. Oh, you're talking to me? Oh, Jesus is back! You can't tell on the podcast, but we're hugging now. We are not hugging. That was a hug. That is as far from a hug as it gets.

That was a hug. That was an unaccepted, unreciprocated... No, there was a warmth that your body gave me that my body accepted. We are brothers once more. It's so perfect that Jesus came in peace, but is only called strife. Such a metaphor. I apologize. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry. Let's go. Wait, what did you do?

I thought you were yelling at me a second ago. I don't think I was. Nice. You weren't. You were yelling at Pete. I'm only yelling at Pete. All right. Forget I'm here. That's all I'm yelling at. That's how this works. I also understand that all of that was extremely entertaining.

So it's fine. We're good. No reason to apologize. Just fucking stop doing that. Showman. Showman. Your name isn't Mary, is it? That would be awesome.

What is that? Andrea. Andrea. Okay, I'm sorry. Close enough. It works. But their last name is Chain. Jesus and Andrea Chain.

That is laser accuracy, Doug. That is just excellent. There you go. Oh, you were a roadie in your prior life, right? Whenever I knock over the mic, you'll just pick it up. I like that. It was great. Whenever you interrupt me, I'm just going to knock my mic over,

and then you'll be busy picking it up. I'll play the spoon game with a baby for days. Spoon game! Shadow man. Alright, well this is a thing that I think I always have to remind Pete Holmes about, is that we had a very wide berth for the

show today, but now because of, you know, all the fun we've been having, all the spontaneity has left us in a position where now we have to play this game and we have to do it quickly. So just a heads up, I'm going to be even meaner the next time.

Because we've got to get through this. We've got to win for these people. You've got to win for Greg! Did he write his shithead on the back? We'll get it from you if Pete loses, but there's a good chance Pete will win. He's one of the better players up here. I feel like you're being facetious. Andy Wood just looked at the shithead.

Don't say it out loud. That's not right. I hope you win, then. I hope Andy wins so I won't have to say it. Did they write him on the back of yours? Where's your George Carlin sign? That doesn't have a name on the back There's not a shithead on the back

The reason for the name tags is to keep it where I can see Who you're playing for I didn't want to knock it off and break it I know a lot of nice George Carlin posters Just get thrown on the ground like that I was afraid I'd drop it It's John John is the name on that one

Do you want to write Pontius Pilate real quick? No, no, no, no, no. He doesn't... Let's worry about it when you lose. I did the math. Pontius Pilate is 30% funnier than Judas. I figured it out. It's a funnier name Judas. I figured it out.

You have a Bible jokes calculator? It's an abacus, but yes. Joke detected. My face is way redder than it should be at this point in the show. I'm laughing too hard. You've got to stop. People are going to think I'm embarrassed, but I'm just laughing so hard.

It is fun. Okay, so Leonard Maltin game. Here we go. Starting with Andy, and then we'll go to Mark, because anything I can do to keep the conversation away from Pete. It's like, keep away. We should have less microphones. You guys should have to share one mic.

Like the pips? You have to fight over it. Like Hunger Games, but with a microphone. Hang it up like Oprah the Rear-Thou style while I just get around it. I don't know what you just said, but yes. What kind of style?

Oprah the Rear-Thou. Just picture them on the recording. Oh, Oprah the Rear-Thou. I thought you said Oprah. Oprah, where art thou? What happened to your shitty network that you started? Oprah's little known hip hop career. I think owned got pwned, you guys. Do I have own? People are like, watch it on own. Do I have it?

Is that, is own a movie or a TV network? Half-Life 2? I'm doing my best. That's your best? Yeah. I do a speech about how we have to play the game now, and then you ask me questions that have nothing to do

with the forward progress of the game? I just want to know if I'm watching OWN after this. Also, Pete, Half-Life 2, it's just called Life, and that is a movie. Is it? Yeah, there is a movie called Life. Math joke. Yeah.

It's two hours of Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence eating cereal. Michael likes it. Michael liked it. Michael liked it. Well-timed movie joke. All right, here we go, Michael. You're not playing. I just like mentioning you.

Andy Wood gets to pick a category. Would you like... Riverdell75 suggested on Twitter, Bond movies. That's movies where some of the characters in the movie are like handcuffed or chain gang. They're like tied together for some reason.

Oh. Yeah, Bond movies. Then, celebrating a birthday today, Seth Rogen. So, yeah, he's good. Films of Seth Rogen. And then your third choice, the King of Pancakes category. That's the number one movie at the box office 10 years ago to this very day. I like Bond. Let's try Bond.

Bond movies. This movie has bonding in it of a physical kind from not like a Pete Holmes hugging someone when they don't want it. I'm still warm from it. Three and a half stars from Leonard for this movie where people are bonded together

From the year 2000 And he says about this movie He says that It's full of clever ideas And it also has sharp dialogue And he lists Nine names How many names do you think you can get it in?

And current tournament of championships Finalist Andy Wood nine names. How many names do you think you can get it in? Current Tournament of Championships finalist, Andy Wood. 2,000 handcuffs. Let's start with five names. You know, if there was a movie with 2,000 handcuffs in it, I would be there. I would see that. Would you say

five names? Five names. Opening bid of five names. We go to Mark Agee. I'll go four. What is happening right now? Five names. Five names. Opening bid of five names. We go to Mark Agee. I'll go four. What is happening right now? Steve Jordan. We're playing the game. I can't believe the confidence.

I'm going to say name it. Fuck. All right. Mark Agee gets four names. My plan to keep Pete out of it worked. We're on the same team, man. I just spit all over the mic. This game terrifies me. I'm going to get, the next time you're on,

I'm going to get like a button that only turns your mic off that I just have my finger on the entire time. I'll be in the quiz show booth, and you can mute me and not mute me. I'll have fun either way. I'll be like Driver's Ed. That's why I feel like I can yell at you is because you seem to enjoy it.

I do. It's a little weird, but I'm into it. Yeah, you seem to like it. Fucking do this right. All right. See how much fun it brings him? Sorry, weed dad. Mark Agee gets four names.

He gets the clues again. Three and a half stars from Leonard from the year 2000. He says this movie is full of clever ideas and has sharp dialogue. And your four names are Daniel Von Bargen. Oh. DVB. Steven Root, Michael Badalucco, and John Goodman from 2000.

What's the name of the movie? Steven Root. Mark Agee. John Goodman. Yeah. There's a Bond Goodman. Yeah. It's got... There's a Bond situation happening. Yeah. Someone's chained to something.

Any idea? 2000 with Stephen Root? No. No clue. It's weird. Weirdest timing. It just came up like mere minutes ago. It's called Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? Ah, shit. So Sean gets a point?

Yeah. Sean is on the board. Nice. Local favorite. Nice. By the way, my only plan was to keep Andy from getting a point, and that worked. All right, Pete, we're going to start with you now. Fuck.

Did you just say R.I.P.? We're going to start with you now Fuck Did you just say alright Pete, we're going to start with you now That's about right We'll start with Pete And then we'll go Flip the order around and we'll go over there to Sean And You get to pick between these categories Snazzy Awards This was suggested by BakersA34 You get to pick between these categories. Snazzy Awards.

This was suggested by BakersA34. And the Snazzy Awards is movies that won the Best Picture Oscar for Costume Design. The Snazzy Awards. Then we have, suggested by AtWorder, W-I-R-T-E-R, Host Protocol. And Host Protocol is a movie where someone hosts a party at some point during the film. And then your third option from, I keep saying the name,

I usually drop the Twitter names after a category's been on the show a couple times, but I have to say this out loud every time. At Diarrhea Volcano. Suggested Dawn of the Dead, and that's movies where Don Cheadle dies. Oh, you know what? We did that one yesterday, and so that finished out that category, so let me take that off. Yeah, yeah. Because I don't want to do this.

Big Don Cheadle fan. I don't want to do the same movie from yesterday, yeah. Big Don Cheadle fan. I don't want to do the same movie from yesterday although that would actually be kind of funny. So I'll give you instead, Bully is the name of the category and it's movies where someone is bullied in the film. Okay.

Which one of those do you like, Pete? Let's do the costume design one. Okay. Didn't expect that, but all right alright Hey man, I'm going down I'm taking everyone with me This was a film from 2010 that won the best costume design Oscar Leonard gave it three stars

He says about this movie that it is ambitious but he also calls it inconsistent He says about this movie that it is ambitious, but he also calls it inconsistent. And he also lists, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 names. This costume, best costume winner from 2010. So it's pretty recently. What do you think, Pete? How many names do you think you can get it in?

Let's not waste anybody's time, Doug. I'll just say 17 and send it down there. Just let me know what I can do. That's not really a way to move it along quickly, but... Just nudge me when I should do my TJ impression and we'll be done here. Do that bit again as T.J. Miller.

Just nudge me when I should do my bit. Yeah! Gilkey Bear! Denver! Yeah! Jack, I ruined the show! He snorts a lot. I saw something on a message board that said the only thing more irritating than

Pete Holmes or T.J. Miller is Pete Holmes doing an impression of T.J. Miller. I can't agree. Yeah. Yeah. Why does your T.J. Miller impression have T-Rex arms? That's what he used to do. I can't do it unless I do them. Yeah.

Yogi Bear covers travels. What is happening right now? Is he peering over a wall? Yeah! Does TJ not use his microphone? Does he move it away from his face? I can't.

I would have heard it at all. Oh, you don't want to hurt anybody? Yeah! Brain aneurysm! Oh. He's one of my best friends. He's fine. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's all right, but I don't know if he likes us joking about that Is that true? I think he gets a little sensitive about his brain aneurysm Sorry, Teej Which way did I say it was going to go? Over to Sean? Yeah, okay, Sean, what do you think? He said 17 17, yeah!

You doing it has added a new level of annoyance. Hopefully. Somewhere in the world, T.J. Miller right now is going, frowned upon in this establishment. Go ahead, Fred. What do you think, Sean? I'll say 10. 10?

Okay, he says 10 names, Mark. Thanks for not making me name. Nine names. Nine, Fred. What do you think, Sean? I'll say ten. Ten? Okay, he says ten names, Mark. Thanks for not making me name it. Nine names. Nine, Andy. What are you going to do, Wood? Eight names. Eight, he says, Pete. You know what to do.

I'm not saying seven names if that's what you want. Do it. You're going to ask him to name it? I'm going to ask you to name it. You're going to give a guy who's great at this game, I don't think I know this. Because the alternative is I say seven and then an old sassy pants down there throws the trap door.

You read me like a book, man. Is that what you would have done if he said seven? You would have said name it? Don't just take the hustle out of my game, dude. We don't know. That would be two points. Nobody's ever going to know how the fuck I was going to handle that.

The old winner. I was going to handle it the right way, too. Alright, so Pete's saying Andy Wood, name that movie? Name it, Andy. I don't feel good about this. Here's your eight names. I feel okay about it. Here's your eight names.

Michael Goff, Imelda Staunton, Christopher Lee, Timothy Spall, Paul Whitehouse, Barbara Windsor, Alan Rickman, and Stephen Fry.

Mr. Mr. McClain. Yippee-ki-yay. Harry Potter. Did Alan Rickman, Dave Chappelle, and T.J. Miller all drive here together? I swore to God they were all here.

I thought they were sitting back there. I haven't been in the sun in four decades. Trent Reznor is my barber. This is why I'm on the show. Fuck this game, man. Fuck this game. This is why you were on the show. I've been banned before.

You always forget. What do you think, Andy? Any idea? Costume design, 2010. Ambitious. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Excellent. Yes. They did have good costumes.

They let me keep mine and I wear it to brunch. Yes. They let me keep mine, and I wear it to brunch. People say, are you Snape? And I show them my dick. Eating cantaloupe, Mr. Potter. Orange juice and champagne. He walks in, no matter what Harry Potter's doing,

he's got that attitude about it. Writing with a pencil, Mr. Potter. Sitting innocently, Mr. Potter. Watching cable, Mr. Potter. Do you have the own network? Mr. Potter. You guys have been great. Jesus can't help you, Mr. Potter.

The name of the movie is Alice in Wonderland. Alice in Wonderland. I played Snape in that too. Do an impression of TJ doing Alan Rickman. Yogi Bear. Yeah. Denver.

What is happening right now, Mr. Potter? Good things come in bears, Mr. Potter. Yeah. All right, so Pete Holmes gets a point. What? I think so. Comedy point. See what happens if you just apply yourself.

Yeah. Thank you, Andy. Yeah, that's what happened there, though. You were applying yourself. All right, we'll start with Mark, and then we'll go to Sean, S-E-A-N, who's playing for S-H-A-W-N. Goddamn right.

And Mark, which one of these categories would you like? Would you like My Fife? My Fife is movies where somebody plays a flute. For some goddamn reason. My Fife. My five. My five. And then... And then at DH Learner suggested

Your Days Are Numbered, which is movies with days and numbers in the title. Yeah, complicated. And Harry Schmerler, this is the Schmerler category, suggested Patch Madams, which is movies where a lady wears an eye patch. Patch Madams! I'll take Patch Madams.

You gotta play Patch Madams, right? All right, this Patch Madams movie is from 2004. Leonard gave it two stars. And for the clues, this is a U.S.-British-Italian production. Yeah, right?

Leonard also calls it elaborate. And he also says the late Laurence Olivier appears on a giant screen at some point during the film. Elaborate. And he also says the late Laurence Olivier appears on a giant screen at some point during the film. It's a very specific clue.

Probably not helpful. And there are seven names. How many names do you think you can get it in? What year was that? Mr. A.G. You should do an episode with T.J. and everybody else doing T. Mr. AJ. You should do an episode with TJ and everybody else doing TJ impressions so we give the crowd an

aneurysm. The year is 2004. Wearing an eye patch. No depth perception. Seven names. Miss Hermione. He says seven names. Sean? Uh, six.

Six names. Pete? Yeah, name it, man. Six names? Wait, wait. Oh, I get it. That's too many names. That's a lot of names. Okay, five names. Nice. You better not fuck me over, you son of a bitch. I did that for the crowd.

Nobody wants to watch me flounder. Some of them do. You win the whole thing if you get it, though. All of them do. That's pretty intense. 2004, seven names. He said five names? Mm-hmm.

Three names. Oh! Old Blue Eyes is back! Okay. Sammy Davis waiting in the limo. Three names Oh Old Blue Eyes is back Okay Sammy Davis Waiting in the limo I say Name that movie Andy Wood

Mark says name it And either way The game's gonna continue Because if either of you Get a point We still don't have a winner And How many names do you get?

Three Alright Your three names are Omid Jali Bai Ling and Michael Gambon from 2004 It's a good group

I love my Loingba She's one of my favorites 2004 Two sound effects. And the name. That's your clue. You ever offend yourself? Michael Gambon played Dumbledore

opposite my Snape after Richard Harris died. Although he wouldn't laugh while saying that. Beautiful Iacus Ramathenicus. Do you have any idea? Man, 2004. Eyepatch. Eyepatch.

Lady with an eyepatch. Yeah, that's a good clue Name a movie that has a lady with an eye patch in it Yeah, I can't even think of that Lady with an eye patch Eye patch Lady with an eye patch Well, let's name all the movies where there isn't a lady with an eye patch

Right, yeah, yeah. Let's start from that. Let's narrow it down that way. Process of elimination. Rebecca. Wait, no. Gone with the Wind. Gone with the Wind, there's two ladies with eye caps.

What? They're fighting in the Civil War? They're extras. They're maids and they're cleaning the same corner because they have no depth of perception. I don't understand why they have that. People just groan for the fucking fictitious maids. One-eyed maids.

With eye patches that you just made up. People groan for things that don't exist. Being overly sensitive Portland. Mr. Portland. What's your answer? It's called Sky Captain in the World of Tomorrow.

Angelina fucking Jolie with the iPad. Yeah. Very memorable. Hope she can still find my dick. So Mark Agee's on the board, and the only person who doesn't have a point is Andy Wood, the best player. Yeah, that's how this game works.

It can turn on you. That shit, cray. Please, keep it clean. That shit is cray. That's the blackest thing ever said in Portland. That's how I get down, dude. I'm the blackest dude here. Because I say nephew.

Nephew. Alright, so Mark got the point for challenging Andy right? Yep That's what happened? Alright so And so it's going that way So we'll start with Sean and then come over to Pete And Sean gets to pick from

We've exhausted all the categories So I'll just go through and name three of them that haven't been picked yet Seth Rogen celebrating Celebrating a Birthday, 10 Years Ago to This Very Day, number one movie, and Someone Hosts a Party, a.k.a. Host Protocol. I see what you did there.

Seth Rogen movies. Okay. Seth Rogen. This Seth Rogen movie is from 2009. Leonard gives it one and a half stars. He says about this movie, he calls it queasy. And he also says that it is proudly perverse. 2009, one and a half stars.

Seth Rogen's in it somewhere in the cast. And there are 12 names listed. How many names can you get it in? Shawnee J. That's what everybody calls me. What'd that have to do with Portland? The guy just took a moment. It got quiet.

Like for some reason Pete wasn't saying anything Trying to think of Seth Rogen movies man They all have similar casts It's not gonna be I'll say I'll say zero Just to say it

And mine is You're shaking your head I'm shaking my head It's something Pete said Not anything Anyone else here did I didn't mean that as a diss I'm just like

If it's like Jonah Hill It's not He's speculating That there's always The same people In the Seth Rogen movies I didn't say it that a dance I'm just like if it's like Jonah Hill He's speculating that there's always the same people In the Seth Rogen movies I didn't say it that way I said they have similar They work with similar people Yeah but there's no reason Play it like poker where you don't go

I've got four of a kind You're quiet about it And then you could surprise people with a good hand Later on in the game Okay Because he's right before you And then you could surprise people with a good hand later on in the game. Okay. Okay. Because he's right before you, so now he's going to do something interesting, I hope.

Well, I tried. I said zero. Oh, you did? Yeah. Okay, so he says zero names, Pete. There's a pube on your phone. So this is for the win, or maybe not. Maybe the bidding might go further, but do you want to go into negative names?

Like if you said negative one name, you'd have to name the movie and the top billed person in it. Negative two would be more, like however deep you want to go. But if you say negative one and then I say name it and you don't get it, the game continues. No, no, no. You win.

I have no points. You'll say name it. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're right. He's saying it'll be a four-way tie if it goes that way. Do you want to screw Sean right now? Everybody wants to screw me. What's that? It's your eyes, dude. It's your eyes. We're all looking at each other, Andy. We get it.

The eye crew. No, no, but if he goes negative one, you're just going to say name it, aren't you? Probably. Probably. Yeah, and then he'll either win or fail. The game will continue.

No, because if he gets it, he'll just win. If you say name that movie, the game stops no matter what right now. Oh, really? Because one of you wins. Name the movie. I don't know. You guys lost me a long time ago. I've just been sitting here. So what are you saying, Pete?

I say name the movie. What's the movie? Is it Knocked Up? No. No? Wait, you know what that means, don't you? I do know what it means. It means we have to keep playing and find somebody else

that's a better winner than you are. Pete Holmes is our winner! Jesus, I did it! What was it? I did it. What was it? I did it for you. Was it Pineapple Express? What was it? Observe and Report.

Sorry, guys. Yeah, yeah. I bet he gave more than one and a half stars to those other ones. But I think Observe and Report is really funny and underrated by all people like Leonard Maltin. But Pete's our winner. We don't need to know who Jesus wants to call a shithead because Jesus wins all of this stuff. Could you come and

hug Jesus? It's Greg, actually. Yeah, hug Jesus. Thanks, Jesus. And there you go. There's that. He doesn't even look like Jesus. He looks exactly like Jesus. How do you know what Jesus looks like? Someone in the audience is disputing that a guy with long hair and a beard looks like Jesus.

Or wait, this is Portland, are you talking about the black Jesus that we all believe in? Good Lord, what is happening? Are there just numerous people just yelling at this point? Do you see what you encourage? Yeah. Is there a more Jesus-y guy who wants to be called Jesus? Is that what's happening? No. I think he just wants to be

part of the show and his beverages have kicked in. But thank you for like that you lasted long enough that it's so close to over I don't have to throw you out. Is there a shithead written on the back of that? Probably not. So if you could come up here, sir, and write down somebody. Oh, he told you? Yeah, write it down for him. Jesus, do you have a shithead written on the back of that? Probably not. So if you could come up here, sir, and write down somebody.

Oh, he told you? Yeah, write it down for him. Jesus, do you have a shithead? Oh, you won, so you don't do that. Of course you did. Of course you did, Jesus. That's how it goes. Yeah, when Jesus wins, he doesn't get one.

Okay. Fair enough. And then what does this one say? Oh, that's a good one. These are all good ones. I mean, two of them are good. We'll get into that later. Do you guys have anything to plug?

Douglovesmovies.com for all my tour dates. Pete Holmes? I'll be here at Helium in Portland on June 13th, I believe. And you're doing the T.J. Miller one-man show, right? Yeah. Where you just do T.J. Miller the whole time doing your act. Yeah, Denver, Yogi Bear, the stage show. What would it sound like if T.J. Miller the whole time doing your act. Yeah, Denver, Yogi Bear, the stage show. What would it sound like if T.J.

Miller was the E-Trade baby? What would he say? That sounds just like how you say it. It's exactly the same. You owe him money. Also, You Made It Weird is my podcast. Please listen to it. You Made It Weird! Thank you, everybody.

Thank you. And then Andy Woods got the Bridgetown Festival continuing on into tonight. And then, of course, probably next year. Probably next year on this time. Anywhere else where people can see you do stand-up? I do a podcast with Matt Kirshen and Brooks Whelan called Probably Science, if anybody wants to listen to that.

Nice. Science and comedy. Some folks like it. Love Matt Kirshen. Mark Agee, what's going on? At Mark Agee on Twitter. I'm opening for Brian Posehn. What's next month?

May? He gets a lot. People will show up because he's going to be there. Yeah, yeah. So you're good. Yeah, me. And in Fort Worth and Todd Berry on the 17th in Dallas. But yeah.

Okay. Nice. Go see Mark Agee, you guys. Opening for awesome people. And Sean Jordan, what's up? I'll be in Appleton, Wisconsin at the Skyline Club at the end of April. The last weekend in April.

And then I'll be at the Jukebox in Peoria in May. May or early June. And Sean Jordan comic on Twitter. Some Peoria fans over there. That's pretty sweet. thank you for coming you guys and one more round of applause for all these gentlemen thank you guys Sean Jordan, Mark Agee

Andy Wood Pete Holmes Amy Schumer and as always, Matt Bronger is a shithead. He's just not. Was that your impression of him? That was Bronger reacting to that.

Do your Matt Bronger joke from earlier. Yeah, say the thing. Which one? The macaroni thing. Oh, don't say the... Matt Bronger, that's too mean. Say it. You did a great dinner, the roast.

We did a roast. I said his neck jiggling sounded like someone mixing up mac and cheese. It was a roast! People made fun of my ex-wife! It was fair play! I love you, Matt Bronger. I love you, mac and cheese. Oh, God.

I love you mac and cheese the person who not only did this rendition of my fat face also wrote Doug Benson is a shithead Justin I rescind picking your picture I'll take that back well you lost so you showed him

yeah and then finally Why are you so scared in that photo? Well, you lost, so you showed him. And then, finally, Pete, go ahead and put your microphone down. No, I mean way down. Because there's no reason to speak again after this. The end theme is going to come on. So you can't jump in. Do you have one more last thing you want to say?

Yeah, Pete. Pete Holmes with a Z on Twitter. Will you retweet my last tweet? I said I gave up and rented Corky Romano. Hashtag settlers for Catan. If there's no microphone, it gets visual. It gets visual if there's not a mic. I'm so glad you don't have a microphone. There's a guy in the crowd trying to move me along.

As always... I got my money's worth. See it! Get it done, buddy. As always, shaky cameras that are too close to the action are shit. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold is viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you.

Because Doug loves movies.