Doug Loves Movies - Back in The Pacific Northwest

Episode Date: April 6, 2011

Recorded at Parlor Live Comedy Club in Bellevue, Washington on April 3rd, 2011. Anthony Jeselnik, T.J. Miller, and Big Irish Jay Hollingsworth guest.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seeds With 50 acid pop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey, everybody. My name is Doug, and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies back in the Pacific Northwest. Yeah! Coming to you from the Parlor Live Comedy Club in Bellevue, Washington.

Hello, live audience. Good to see you again. I see name tags. These folks have Doug Loves Movies logo on their name tags. There's a huge sign over there. I still can't read it. I think it says Bernie or Roger. Monty's got a computer or an iPad back there. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Wouldn't that be weird if that was your name? You're like, white dude. And Normsy's here, and I saw Normsy was tweeting before the show

about coming here alone and how weird it is. And I just brought it up and made it weirder. Somebody's got a hello, my name is Otis back there. We got a t-shirt that says Pablo on it. Okay, Paula. This is fantastic. Thanks for bringing name tags. And we'll get into that a little later in the show.

But I want to bring out the guests. There's a lot of, you know, speculation on the internet. Okay, like two tweets about who the guests could possibly be, and I think I did a good job of concealing it. One is more obvious

than the other two. Let's just do it. Why am I... Because, like, you know, when you buy it on iTunes, it's just do it. Why am I... Because, like, you know, when you buy it on iTunes, it's just going to say right there who the guest names are. So you're like, I paid $2 to listen to a guy tease something I already know the answer to.

Endlessly. He won't shut up about it. And I've already paid money and I know. Alright, so please welcome to the stage veterans of the New York City and the Portland and the premium episodes taped here in Bellevue, Washington.

So it's three podcast favorites. Please welcome my friends Big Irish Jay Hollingsworth, Anthony Jeselnikik and TJ Miller Let's keep it real silent for a while after the clapping stuff. Let's get quiet and think about what we've done. How 275 people came out to Parler Live not knowing that you're going to have such amazing guests.

Isn't this awesome? Hey. Now, Anthony, of course, is in town because he played at a club nearby in a place called Kirkland called Laughs. You were there for a couple nights. You guys went and saw him?

No? No? Woo! He did a show! We him? No? Woo! He did a show we didn't go! Woo! And so I'm sure you had a fun time there because it's still in this general area. Although, you know, the crowds here are better.

Let's be honest. What did you say? Shut the fuck up! You shut your mouth! This isn't Doug Love's random yelling. Burn. He always gets them with the this isn't Doug Love's the thing that you're doing

that he's unhappy with. I've never done that before. Doug Love's idiots who drink Red Bull Okay, so What is that? That's not Red Bull, it's Monster It's Monster I do major motion pictures, I drink Monster

Is it possible to ask for Monster without sounding gay? Just try it, just once Ask for it as manly as you can Hey, I've had a long day. That's okay so far. Is this a male bartender? I've had a tough day sucking dick.

I need a monster. Let it out of me. Maybe that's the song. So yeah, anyone from Monster, if you're listening, we'd love you to be a sponsor of the show. All I can say is thank God you have that Monster energy drink. Yeah. Because you're so low-key.

Yeah. I think that's what that burn was about. So far, all the burns have been very impressive. Is that what that show Burn Notice is about? Somebody that just comes around and tells you when you've been insulted? Burn Notice is when Aziz Ansari is like, you just got burned,

man. And T.J. Miller, of course, was in the show that we did in Portland last month. So I thought, what a great surprise it would be for him to just show up again right away. Like none of you expected that, right? It was a good twist.

So for those of you that don't like my appearance on the podcast at home, sorry and fuck you. That's good. I like that. Thanks. Big Irish J, you were on the show here at Parlor Live last time we did it here and it was a lot of fun because you one-inch punched

Graham Elwood and Rob Hubel. Yep. Everybody other than you. Yeah, yeah. I don't want a one-inch punch. Yeah, I'm good. But want a one inch punch. Yeah, I'm good. But Do you like movies? I loved Yogi Bear. No, you didn't. Hey, this isn't Doug loves insulting TJ.

Hey. Burn notice. Received. Hey, could you CC me on that burn notice? But don't forget to blind copy. I don't want everyone getting my email. That's awesome. Where did this Scully Boom thing come from?

Big Irish J? It was in the seat. I don't know. So an audience member, this is the first. This is exciting. An audience member is contributing a prize. Then I'm keeping my prize,

and that replaces my prize. Thank you, strange man. Yeah, but your prize, you signed it You really want to keep something that you signed Like you signed it to yourself? Yeah I got a storage full of Yogi Bear posters that I signed Just for me

Pay about two hundo a month on that bad motherfucker Did you write your name like right underneath the Good Things Come in Bears And you wrote like, they sure do? With three O's, yeah. They sure do. Sure do-ed it. All right, so audience member contributed something called Scully Boom.

It's a custom amplified speaker for the mobile lifestyle. And it looks like a little monster. It looks like a little sea monster or something, right? It's kind of a cool and useful gift, you know? It's like, here's cool-looking speakers for when you're on the road. It's very thoughtful that you wanted to get a free plug for

whatever the fuck this is. I appreciate it. Thank you. What is, like, the retail value of that? Yeah, what does that go for? Is it in stores or is it just in your garage? It costs a couple of Scooby-Doo movies. It costs a couple of... I don't know.

I think he's trying to attack me but failing like a motherfucker. Oh, you know why? Because he thinks you're Matthew Lillard. And that you're in the Scooby-Doo movies. That's hurtful, sir. That's very hurtful. Sir, if I was Matthew Lillard,

I would not be able to afford to come to Bellevue, Washington. He's hanging out in SLC, punk. Oh, shit. Yeah, you heard it burn notice well thank you for contributing that and I hope I described it adequately

or accurately and last at South by Southwest a gentleman from the AMC movie company theater chain he gave me some passes to give out so I take it back. You're not the first one to slip in a thing, but still, I'll take it.

And so will the winner tonight. The winner will get a scoop-fookie-bloom. They'll get a binky-boom, a dinky-doom. You can just take it, and you know what it does? It amplifies, and it speaks, and it's mobile. It's not stationary. You can take it out of this room. Yeah, but it's just sitting here now.

It's not mobile. All right. Enough talk about that. We're here to talk about movies. Anthony, you recently roasted Donald Trump. Yeah. To great acclaim. Thank you.

And that's all I have for you. Back to TJ. Thank you. Way to go jacking him up, audience, too. You guys are like, is that an accomplishment? What do we do? Is it a big deal to have roasted Donald Trump? What would you have done differently?

You fucking burned Donald Trump to What would you have done differently? Burn Donald Trump to his face. That's amazing. Isn't it weird that he waited to be like a birther and start saying Obama wasn't born here after that roast was over? Like everyone would have piled on that like nobody's business. He's kind of like Heidi Montauk. He just like says shit to like get attention. Like I can't believe he is really going to run for president. He can't really believe that or he's going to run.

Yeah. But that would be pretty awesome if he became president. You'd be one of the eight people on this planet that roasted the president of the United States. You told him to his face that he sucked. In a very vicious manner. That would be amazing. That would be worth it.

We all appreciate that. That was a very humanitarian... That's not selfish at all. That was a very sweet answer to that potential predicament. Have you guys been to the movies lately? Anyone? Big J went today.

Yes, I did. What did you see? The source code. Ooh, it's Jake Gyllenhaal. I think it should be called, I think that's a boring title. I think they should call it Chicago Boom Train. And what did you think? Oh, that was good.

That was good. Solid. It's solid. Solid, yeah. It's a good start to the summer movie season. That's exactly what I was going to say. I give it a six and a half, seven. You give them both of those, that's over ten.

Yeah, what do you do? On a scale of one to 42, how's it work? I saw Paul. Did you guys see Paul? Did you guys like it? All right. What? I liked it.

It's, you know, my new friend Simon Pegg, of course, is in it. And we're very close now. And, like, he follows me back on Twitter. So that's pretty exciting. That's an important step. Yeah, for sure. Rainn Wilson won't follow me back, but he did. And, yeah, for sure. Rainn Wilson won't follow me back, but he did. And, yeah, he's great.

And it's Greg Mottola who did the Adventureland. He directed it. And, yeah, I think people should check it out. It's not doing as well as it should be. It's a fun movie. Yeah, it's pretty fun. It was weird, though, the little alien, you know? It's hard to like get invested

in a guy that looks like that and is also kind of a dick alien you know I understand that that's the joke but a lot of times I'd be like fuck you alien quit acting like a jerk you know it's hard to watch movies where like one of the main characters isn't

a real character that's like CGI although I loved Brave Little Toaster wait wait watch movies where one of the main characters isn't a real character. It's like CGI. Although I loved Brave Little Toaster. Wait, wait. It's one of my favorite films. No, but I've got an example. You're right. Like Greenberg. Greenberg.

Was it Ben Stiller's CGI in that? Wait, what? Green what? What? Greenberg. I was trying to make an absurd joke. Wait, what? Green what? What? Greenberg. Greenberg, okay. I was trying to make an absurd joke. What's so hard about watching it? What's so tough?

It was actually just my attempt to rip on Yogi, but it failed miserably. I'm so sorry, TJ. Oh, even you were turning against me. Don't one-inch me. I'm sorry. You son of a bitch. One-inch you?

You know what that means. When I do it, it means something different, big boy. It means you're going to get a little monster. A little Paul. You would not make fun of Yogi Bear if you hadn't seen it. I know that's clever, but I still can't figure out what the hell. I'm like, yeah, I get that somehow in the English language that was a real humdinger.

But in the meantime, I'm going to think about what's going on later tonight. Like a Jedi mind trick. Yeah. We're going to hang out. The parlor has a collection of rooms. That's why it's called the parlor collection. We're going to be hanging out in one of those rooms tonight.

Your mission is to find us after. If you're listening to this podcast, don't come down here. It's probably been a week or two since we wrapped it up and went home. It's a long show, but let's not be crazy.

Who else? Anthony, seen any movies lately? I know we talked about Battle for LA last time you were on. Yeah. I think I probably talked about it last time. I've literally been watching MacGruber on a constant loop. It's all I watch,

and I laugh my face off. I get 50-50 in my responses on Twitter. People are like, MacGruber, good call. I saw MacGruber, you asshole. They're mad about it that they sat through it. And I think it's good. I like it. I haven't seen it since I saw it when it came out, but I had a nice time.

I saw Win-Win. Did you guys see Win-Win? Win-Win's really good. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Paul Giamatti. Giamatti, Amy Ryan, she's one of my favorites.

Yeah, she's great. That weird blonde kid. A kid that wrestles. He's blonde. He wrestles. He's a real wrestler. I saw him interviewed, and he is a real state champion wrestler

in high school, and they found him, and he's a good actor too. And he can wrestle. Has anybody here seen Win-Win? I love that. Is Win-Win even playing in the area? It is? Okay. You guys responded sadly.

Yes, yes it is. And it's for that reason that we don't still have Green Hornet in theaters burn notice Seattle do you have any movies in the can TJ as we say in the business I do not like do you have movies stored in your

bathroom I mean I do have Not like you have movies stored in your bathroom. I do have a few bathroom movies going on. I'm in My Idiot Brother, which has a tentative release date of the end of August. It's Paul Rudd and Rashida Jones and Emily Mortimer and Zooey Deschanel and Steve Coogan and a bunch of people.

Audiences really like it, I think, so it'll be interesting to see how it does. Was that? That wasn't anything distinct. That was more just a... He's a fan of what you do. Thanks, friend. And he expresses it by going,

Hey, I love you. And if I have only one piece of advice for you in the future, it's be more specific. I love your general enthusiasm. Try and focus it in. And why not take that specificness directly to TJ after the show so the rest of us don't have to listen to it.

And also, call it specificity. I stopped watching specificity when she cut her hair Wow Wow Burned notice It's not getting any better than that one you guys If you didn't enjoy that You might as well just check out See what's on your iPod.

You imagine someone staying but listening to music and still just watching, just in case. Oh, that looks interesting. No? So that movie's coming out August-ish? August? Yeah, towards the end of August. All right, and then Anthony, of course, is in one movie, Miss March. So that movie's coming out August-ish? August. Yeah, towards the end of August. All right.

And then Anthony, of course, is in one movie, Miss March. I still haven't seen it. And Big Irish Jay... I wrote this down one day, you guys. This is funny. Big Irish Jay played Harry in Harry and the Hendersons at the Puyallup Dinner Theater. And I killed. I killed there.

He did do great. I was so pleased with myself when I came up with that. Because you're like, you couldn't have been Harry and Harry and the Andersons? No, it was the stage version. You know, I actually saw that production and I thought you were really good. I came to the second weekend

after you'd opened and I thought the scene where you felt really sad as you watched the human friends and family drive away was really fucking for reals, you know? I reached down deep for that. You did? Yeah, at one point you did have your hands inside of your costume.

Exactly. I thought it was weird that it was a musical. Yeah! B.N. Harry the Masturbating Yeti. Conan. I love it. Maybe.

Maybe they'll come back to the forest for me. It's like a sad Harry Penterson's refrain when all is lost. It's just me and the other animals that can't talk. His regular voice

is so close to that voice. It's like right there. Who was that supposed to be? It was sort of a Louis Armstrong, Harry and the Hendersons amalgam. It was kind of an old timey, you know. You must remember this.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I asked you anything about it. You must remember this. I didn't know what to say. An abominable snowman is just a friend. Ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo-doo-doo-doo. Station wagon. I'm sorry that you invited me on.

Anthony, could you just roast him really quick? People, drunk dudes... He's ready, too. There was a fucking moment in his eyes where he's like, yeah, I'll cut him apart. I don't give a fuck. He's ready, too. Drug dudes. There was a fucking moment in his eyes where he's like, yeah, I'll cut him apart. I don't give a fuck. He's scary. I've actually had to save.

I got to save my roast jokes about TJ. I actually started writing already, but he's doing a birthday roast. It's my 30th birthday. I'm doing a roast in Los Angeles. You guys are invited. Not you people. Yeah, fly down. The people listening.

It's people that are listening in Los Angeles. And if you came to the show and later listened to the podcast, you're disinvited. It's a complicated e-vite. And what's the date of this event? June 3rd. June 3rd. That's weird.

Should we tell a story together? That's how I... June 3rd That's weird Should we tell a story together? That's how I June 3rd That's just a device I use to remember things I ask you even though I know the answer and then I say it along with you like what's my favorite movie?

The Sting with Robert Redford and Paul Newman This is a very avant-garde podcast. Shit got trippy. We got some edibles today. Some marinated shit. And everybody took one. Jay had seven of them.

All it did was make him sweat a little bit on his forehead. I guess what I meant was he's looking at me like he's going to punch me just from an inch away. If I ever peed myself in public, I'd just say my penis was sweating. It's fat and it gets tired when

I have to climb stairs. Oh, shit. That's smart. That's smart. Oh, God. To think that there could be a God that made you, you know? But there isn't.

How could there... How could that possibly be? There's no way God came up with this. Me and weed weren't supposed to get together, probably. And then, you know, we just met accidentally. Didn't start until I was like 28.

Great story. All right. What's going on? Are you talking to me? I was like 28. Great story. All right. What's going on? Are you talking to me? I have no idea. Who's he looking at? What kind of host is just glaring at everybody simultaneously? Just begging for any kind of input.

I think that's a really well-placed way of weirding out everyone on the show. Just sort of turning, making strong eye contact with, say, T.J. Miller and going, so, you know, I didn't meet him until I was 29, and then, you know, it was a relationship from then on out. And then I just have to sit there and go, oh, all right, good. All right, that's a bad one.

I don't know how to react. It's weird in Seattle. Here's a fun thing to do. You go up to somebody that you know and you get right in front of them, but you don't make eye contact, but you point your face like you're looking at them and you go, I think I've got my eye contact problem fixed.

What do you think? I'm looking at you, right? I'm totally looking right at you, right? People either laugh or freak out. I'll take either of those. Unless they're blind and then it's ineffective and you have to sort of realize that at some point.

It's kind of cruel when you do it to a blind person. Am I looking at you? That's why I won't even risk it. I don't even talk to people with small dogs. Because you never know. You know? Have you seen those people that have service dog

on their tiny piece of shit dog that doesn't service anything? It's a fucking scam. It's tough. It is. They won't even let you take... I tried to take a hairy baby. I had a really

hairy baby. That's a nice sweater, but it has to say service animal on it. Service industry vest on it. Service industry. It was a waiter baby. it has to say service animal on it. Service industry vest on it. Service industry. It was a waiter, baby. Listen.

Just listen to me. And the TSA fucking made me check it. Made me check that baby. It died before we arrived in Peru. What a march. Dead hairy baby's in a better place now. Where hairy babies are accepted and loved and combed.

This is pretty good. I'm pretty satisfied with how this is going. I might listen to this one. I might listen to this one. Listen to two episodes of the show. One of them was that Simon Pegg, Rainn Wilson one. That was fun. Holy shit.

Anthony, did you like Battle LA? I hated it. You hated it? It was really bad. They wouldn't let us into it, so we had to buy a ticket for something else. I forget what. Like Rango. Which I thought was awesome. Did you guys see Rango? Wait a second. They wouldn't let you into it?

Yeah, and it wasn't even in Los Angeles. It was in Cincinnati or something. They were like, we're in a suburb of Cincinnati. You're not allowed to go in after ten minutes. I was like, everybody's on meth in there. Let me in the fucking theater. It's unbelievable. So we went in. I went in late. I thought it in there. Let me in the fucking theater. It's unbelievable. So we went in.

I went in late. Yeah, I thought it was terrible. It was weird to watch. Because that guy was in Thank You for Smoking. Right? Oh, yeah. Aaron Eckhart? That wasn't the weird part, though.

What was the weird part? How much it sucked. You're like a teenager who's pissed about something. You know what was the weirdest thing about that conversation, Dad? That it fucking sucked. I need to borrow your car. Did you just make yourself my dad? What's that?

Did you just try to make yourself my father? I think I already was, and I think we both know that. Because it's an interesting coincidence that Anthony's father is in fact a mad scientist. Look at your fucking hair. Are you up for the young Willy Wonka? Another great joke for you

listeners at home. Oh, they'll figure it out. They can picture it. Just picture John Heater like totally gave up on life and then put his fingers in a socket three months later. That's what I look like.

And I don't give a shit. You know that? Because I got Yogi Bear money. Yeah! Just kidding. I got to stop. That's becoming a crutch. I need to do another movie ironically

and then I can move on from this Yogi Bear thing what's that? play a villain that's a good note so call your agent tomorrow that's that same guy he's being more specific he did it and say villain parts. No, that's that same guy. He's being more specific.

He did it. That's great that you have kind of like a healing power. That'd be the shittiest superpower that you have the ability to make people be more specific. It would be a great way to, well... Please finish this. No, yeah, I was going to say.

I thought I had it. But I was like, you know, what was it? Ice cream, maybe? Maybe selling ice cream, that'd be a good power. Let me taste that one. I'll have Rocky Road. That's what I was going to end up having anyway. I'm just fat and sad.

And I don't have anywhere to go. I like the noise it makes when you taste it. Oh, yeah. When your power happens. It's actually silent, but I like to make that noise whenever I use any of my powers. I usually watch, you know, I try to watch Netflix movies when I'm on airplanes

and flying up here today, I was too engrossed in, I watched not all of it, so please no spoilers, but I watched like most of the first season of Walking Dead because I hadn't seen it yet. Holy shit, that's a great movie.

That's a really great movie. I want more of that movie. I hope that movie's a great movie. That's a really great movie. I want more of that movie. I hope that movie gets a second sequel. Yeah, there's going to be more of it. And I still haven't finished the first part. But holy shit, it's a great show. I really love it. They've got zombies.

Zombies, yeah, that's right, sir. Some people don't need to be specific yeah burn notice for you sir burn notice for you you would be a good villain you remind me of the villain in The Incredibles. She is here. There's like a hundred people in here.

They're like, I was just thinking that. That was in my mind too. Wow. And he yells a lot when he makes jokes. yells a lot when he makes jokes. It's a sore spot for me. I'm sorry, Doug. What was his name in that?

It was Jason Lee. What was his name? No, it's not Syndrome. Say, yell, I'm Syndrome. What? Yell, I'm Syndrome. I'm Syndrome. I'm Syndrome. It's like playing softball in here. That's exactly what you sound like.

That was hilarious. I know it was. That was not me. We were all on the same page. Nice try. We're not even going to repeat that one. I'm going to even get them to turn the audio down in post. I went all the way to fucking Bellevue

and yelled out the best thing of the night and they fucking dropped the audio on me. That's totally yogi money. Oh shit, I said it. Yeah, you should just drop the audio on that also. People are like, what's he saying, yerba mate? It's an Argentinian tea. All right, listeners of this podcast.

What's happening? What are you doing? Anthony's just chiding me. I'm in disbelief. Not verbally for having a great time on the podcast. I don't know. I feel like you're a fucking idiot. He's like a stealth bomber. In the night, you know You never know till he strikes

Like I said A second round of shots for fire Shock and awe A sniper in the distance Turn it around I knew this would be a good combo A sniper in the distance. Turn it around. I knew this would be a good combo. And Jay, how you doing down there?

I'm excellent, Mr. Benson. Oh, God. What was I going to ask you? What did you think of Rango? Did you see Rango? Didn't see Rango. Did you guys like Rango? Did you see Rango? Didn't see Rango. Did you guys like Rango? Yeah!

I thought it was pretty awesome. Is that that movie that was out? I don't think so. Yeah, I saw it. It's all right. Okay. Yeah. It's Rango. It's some sort of lizard That's a cowboy

Rango I felt like I'd seen it Before I saw it Once I saw it I was like Oh okay I saw what I thought I was going to see Yeah right before you went in You're like I bet the villain is a rattlesnake With a machine gun for his snake tail

I thought that was a real curveball where you went in and you're like, I bet the villain is a rattlesnake with a machine gun for his snake tail. I thought that was a real curveball. You just ruined it. Spoiler alert. Jesus, I haven't seen it. I don't remember that part. Was that when I was asleep? Wow. Sorry that I cut into the time that you masturbate while watching Scott Pilgrim.

I wouldn't want to waste that precious time. I haven't done that once. It's like Nintendo, but boring. Jesus Christ. I'm just sitting here waiting for my phone to beep with my burn notice

let's play build a title yeah let's do it good timing people love build a title I don't know why it confuses everyone when I try to play on twitter

it's just a nightmare. People unfollow in droves. But let's give this a shot. I'm going to put the Skooky Boogie down here. That was a good toss. So I have room to write down the title. Because sometimes people are like, wow, I can't believe you remember those titles

when they get really long. I'm like, no, I'm writing it down. I shouldn't be that impressed. Do you guys know what this game is that he's talking about? Yeah, we don't play it. Does it sound like a good idea? Yeah, yeah, people love it. It's going to be fun, right?

Even though Anthony is insecure about it. It'll be fun, right? I mean, it's no Leonard Maltin game, but you've got to build a title. Here we go. That burn notice was canceled. We need a title. I forgot I was in charge.

You, sir, right here, you seem like a nice docile individual. I'm going to do something obnoxious, like say a one-word title. Try again. Like just any movie title that has a couple words in it. A couple common words would be good. Sixth sense. Those are common words would be good. Sixth sense. Those are common words. I say sixth all the time. Listen.

Listen, you villain. Listen, Chiron. What's his name? Syntax. Listen, Syntax. Tired of you coming in here. Off back of me you do. That's the worst Yoda I've ever heard. All right, so the title is Sixth Sense.

So we'll start here with Anthony. Add a title to the beginning or end of that and we'll make a longer title. Sixth Sense and Sensibility. Is that a movie? Yeah. That's right. All right, TJ, you've got Sixth Sense and Sensibility.

Thank you so much. Don't try to help them, audience. I got one for either end. I'm good to go on either end. That's a brilliant T-shirt. That's a brilliant T-shirt. I just thought of a new one. After you say something like that,

you can go, that's what I said. Right after you said it. But I applaud this audience for no one saying that's what she said. That was amazing. Because it was right there for the taking. You guys were like, fuck that. I think I got it.

Sixth Sense and Sensibility Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Boom! Oh, wow. Jesus. See, I should be playing this, not the Leonard Moulton game, y'all. So that's going to be a...

I think that's going to be a stopper. Turtles is a hard word to add to. But you still got sixth on the other end there, Big J. Do you got any idea? You were terrible at the game when we played it in Portland. Oh, thanks. Thanks for reminding me. I couldn't remember that.

Yeah, so let's see if you can redeem yourself tonight. Probably not. Not that it matters. It doesn't matter. You're still my friend. You threatened to kill me on the last one when I was doing hard work. Don't one-inch punch me. Sixth. Sixth, yeah. Something ends in sixth. I know what I'm going to do. Don't help. Did you say fuck your sixth sense?

Is that what you said? I haven't heard of that movie. That would be funny if you said that. I got nothing. I can't think of anything. Okay, so you give up. My turn. Leonard, part sixth Sense and Sensibility

Naged Ninja Turtles What is it? Leonard part sixth? Yeah That might be the end right there That might be the end of the line for the whole thing That's still a pretty good one

It's fun to say Anthony, can you add anything to Leonard part sixth It's still a pretty good one. It's fun to say. Anthony, can you add anything to Len Erd, Part 6, Insensibility, Teenage Mutant Ninja, Turtles, Bulls, Turtle, Turtle,

Turtles. Turtle, Turtle, Turtle. And Len, Len, Len, Len. Shut the fuck up. Me or them. Out of sight by Elmore Leonard. No, that wouldn't work. No, I don't have anything.

That is fun, though. I'm going to do it anyway. Out of sight by Elmore Leonard, part six, Sense and Sensibility, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. TJ? Gold,

Tal, Leonard, the sixth sense and sensibility, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It's all good except for that, what was the first part? Were you trying to say Goat Talons? No, Gold Talons. There's something called Gold Talons?

Yeah, look it up. Don't make me look it up. You think there's a movie on Leonard Maltin's app called Gold Talons? You think there's a movie on Leonard Maltin's app called Gold Talons? And Lens wouldn't work anyway, because how would you do with that S? Lenserd Part 6? You're making a mockery of this game, sir. Leonard, hold on. Leonard Part 6 Sense and Sensibility Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

that we have to jump over in order to finish the race. I'm not even going to look that one up. That is another one that you're just hoping that's a title. I don't have anything. But I think we did good. I think it was a good one. Leonard Part 6 Sense and Sensibility Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What would anybody have said?

What's the name that ends with Alan? Oh, shit. That guy's got one. What would anybody have said? What's something that ends with Alan? Oh, shit. That guy's got one. Yeah, you don't have to say the rest of it, sir. Wait, Shaolin? What was it? Shaolin. Yeah, yeah. That's fun. Some, you know,

I assume that's a movie with some kicking. I thought they really ended with a bang. What? No, I was going off the Wu-Tang. Tuong Wu. Tuong Wu. Tuong Wu, thanks for everything, Julie Newmar. I like it.

Let's keep it going. That's one of those movies I've never seen. I just, you know, I want to stay straight. Ugh. I've never seen. I just, you know, I want to stay straight. That is the gay recruitment center. But you think if you saw Patrick Swayze in a dress... Oh my God, I don't know what I'm going to think. That it would change your entire life. I know that when he rips that man's throat out

with his bare hands in Roadhouse, I do get a little bit of a boner. Yeah, yeah. Seeing him in women's clothing would finally push you over the edge into homosexuality. And John Leguizamo, you know I love him. He's great in everything. Great at annoying me.

And then... And then the tax evasion fellow. Blade. Some poor girl was like, Wesley Snipes. I have one. Oh, Wesley. Poor Wesley.

Yeah, Wesley Snipes. Which Wesley did you think we were talking about? The guy in the audience. Wesley Snipes. Which Wesley did you think we were talking about? The guy in the audience. Wesley Snipes? No, Wesley Snipes. Wesley Snipes? No, Wesley Snipes.

Are we saying the same fucking thing? What is happening? I don't like these mind games. I'm trying to control the games up here. Rachel's name's on the table over there. I like that. Rachel and Ryan. You made like a co-sign together?

Oh, they're separate. Okay. Good work. It's good to keep things separate starting right now. Because whichever one of you wins this prize bag, the other one's going to go for a divorce and half of the shit in there are you guys married?

see that's what I'm saying don't don't get married don't attach those signs until you have a little baby sign no no it wasn't great you have a little baby sign. No, no, no. It wasn't great, you know,

but it wasn't not clever. Yeah, it was definitely... It was definitely clever. Like a Sasquatch in the night. Hey. Like a Sasquatch in the night. Hey. I know I haven't said much tonight. I just feel like I should speak up when something's, like, really clever.

I think it's a good call. And that was it. Thanks, man. Thanks for having my back. Super clever. Which reminds me of I saw that movie Super. And yeah.

How's that? Well, you just invented your own segue. Doesn't everybody invent their own? Some people have other people invent them and bring them by. Here's the Segway for you to use later. Just you. The only people who did it are you

and then the guy who invented the Segway. Are we talking about the vehicle Segway? Come on. For those of you at home Anthony Jocelyn just tried to give me a high five After berating me for a very long time So I hit his hand with a microphone In an act of defiance and friendship You're so sensitive

You would be too If you were at Gulliver's Travels. You were in Gulliver's Travels? Even I'm not sure. It sure seemed like it. Anthony, you can chime in whenever about whether or not that was clever son of a bitch trust me I'll say something

I understand when Anthony talks I understand every word he says but when you talk I get lost sometimes yeah so do I I understand every word he says, but when you talk, I get lost sometimes. Yeah. So do I. Oh, friendship. No, you're supposed to do it with the microphone, you fucking idiot.

No, that's not how I do it. Yeah! Figure it out at home My last podcast has been my most fun You'll be back You'll be back for sure I can't live without this. I could. Come on, Anthony. What?

I was pretending you said that. And not the guy that's about to one-inch punch both of y'all. Because you're going to want to get that extra point when you need it. I just want to go back to what you did to me. That was like a really good... What?

That was like a really good late April Fool's prank. You just pulled... I take back what I said about understanding you. I thought of that line at the same time I forgot what you had originally said to make me think of it and just went with it anyway. And I stand by it. He's committed to it.

Were you referencing the time that he looked at us and said something that didn't make any sense? Probably not. Shit. We're in a labyrinth of our own device. I don't know what he's saying. God damn it It sounds like hearing

Gary Busey through a broken speaker Is that the new thing? Are you making fun of my voice now? No, no, no, just the way you talk and sound Oh good, I thought you meant something else. Hey, did you get the BM I just sent you? Yeah, I got it. It's led me to seek out

a speech therapist that can make me slur everything and get words in the wrong order. Let's find out what we're playing for in today's Leonard Maltin game. We got a funky bunkie. It was contributed by that nice gentleman over there. Oh, there's some good stuff in here.

This is exciting. We've got Shakespeare, the exciting debut-say-see-day. I don't know why I did that voice. That was weird. From Anthony Jeselnik. We got that right there. It's in the bag. Yeah, applaud. Applaud for items.

We've got two tickets to come back here to Parler Live in beautiful Bellevue on a very specific date, so hopefully the person who wins can come to this. You can come see Dave Koechner. It says here Todd Packer from The Office, but you might know him

from Doug Lowe's movies. He's going to be here on Thursday, April 14th. He'll be here all weekend, but you get tickets to the first night on Thursday, so that's pretty cool. Big Irish Jake contributed that because he's house MC here at the club and

does a good job opening all the shows. TJ Miller brought a lovely necktie that he wrote something on. Could someone do me the honors and say what's written on the necktie? I always forget to bring something. So what I did was I had a necktie? I always forget to bring something. So what I did was

I had a... This is a necktie that my mother bought me in Amsterdam. And so I signed it and it says, Keep smoking! Exclamation mark. And then my name. And so that's for... What's that?

Yeah, that's right. Shut the fuck up. My mother gave me this, you son of a bitch So I got that That's what you write When you sign things Keep smoking No, just when I sign that tie That's the only time I've ever signed that, seriously

But you know what, this is actually the tie That he wore to his mom's funeral And he had It was signed back then But you know what? This is actually the tie that he wore to his mom's funeral. And it was signed back then. She was cremated. Well done. Bravo. Bravo. Oh, thank God.

Back in action. Bravo. Oh, thank God. Back in action. You guys should do a road act together. You could call it fucking stupid. Which one's fucking, yeah? Which one's which?

No, no, no. Nobody sounds like that from around here And we also have a copy Oh yeah, you do We have a copy of Patton Oswalt's book Zombie Spaceship Wasteland In stores now That's actually the book that TJ was reading

At his mother's funeral And as always I brought woot monkeys In stores now. That's actually the book that TJ was reading at his mother's funeral. And as always, I brought woot monkeys. People love woot monkeys. Let me get one that'll actually make a noise. Come on, you fucking woot monkey. For those of you at home, Doug is violently shaking a small monkey.

And that's not a euphemism. He's actually... He is actually jacking off. Whoa! Oh, shit. That was the sound of him ejaculating. Oh, I hate that in movies when, like, they don't have the budget to show the glass breaking

or they didn't get it in the shot, so then something goes off camera and you hear glass break and then you hear a cat go... Like, holy shit, that would have been much more interesting to see that than where the camera was pointing. But anyway, Woot Monkey, thanks to the Woot people. They sent me so many Woot Monkeys. It's going to take forever to get rid of all of them.

So I love shooting them into the crowd and causing mayhem. And those are the prizes that we'll be playing for tonight in the Leonard Maltin game. So that is quite a lovely bag of shit. This is going to be an exciting game. We play to two points as usual and you guys get to select who you're going to play for in the audience. This is when the name tags come

back out. Look how creative everybody is. Somebody put one on their iPad. This is so exciting. I love it that one over there is really good someone threw some underwear up here it's like a child's underwear

that would be like the darkest turn for my career to take it's like child murderer threw the underwear on stage during my show and then Doug picked it up and put it on his head and just a guy murderer through the underwear on stage during my show. And then Doug picked it up and put it on his head. And just a guy in a mustache

in the back just smiles. Yes. Wear my pet's underwear. Could somebody pick these up with a pair of tongs? Is there anyone with a hazmat suit? Get this underwear away from me.

I'm obsessed with it. That's a sexy, tiny person. I love the phone back there. Is that like.2 font? I have no idea what that says. Big Daddy, what? Are you hitting on me? What?

I have no idea what it says. Okay, what do we do? Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. So guys, go get the sign that you want to play for. Go take it from them. Especially if it's a hat. What? Why do you want me?

I'm the worst. Oh, people brought cookies. You guys hungry for cookies? There's famous, famous cookies. That's pretty convincing. There's some awards over there. There's an Etch-A-Sketch. There's a big guy just flipping us off.

I think that's one of the best. That's the sign God created. I'm going to pick Okay, easy, easy, easy. I'm going to pick your boobs. No, no, I can't pick those.

Those won't care if they get a prize because they're not people. I want to pick, because I've been reading a lot about the singularity, I want to pick the guy that drew a picture on his iPad. Rom, pick me. Your last name? I can't believe you're not picking the sophisticated lady

that just went, hey! No, because this way... Hey, I've got class! This way I get to keep his iPad. Who'd you pick? The guy who's taking his sweet fucking time walking up. Oh, he came from all the way over there. That's crazy.

Wait, is this not an iPad? No, it is. Okay, here we go. It's an iPad, but it doesn't have that protective cover on it. So don't jizz all over it. Oh, no! Oh, my God. That was a great fake out.

I hope you enjoyed that. You piece of shit. It's April, what is it? It's April 3rd. What is it? Two Oceans 11. Forgot to say that at the beginning. Do we got our name tags?

Yeah. All right, what's yours? Who are you playing for, Anthony? I'm playing for Lori. Talking to the microphone. Oh, I'm sorry. I am playing for Lori. Did you do some of your Trump roast jokes not into the microphone?

And they had to come out and go, we gotta start over, Anthony. No, Doug. Okay, good. So you're playing for Laurie. What? This guy's calendar is totally blank. You don't have anything going on in your life. It just says, Doug loves movies on this

date, and the rest of your time just says daydreaming. estate and the rest of your time just says daydreaming. Don't drop it. He also has an app called 420 High Stand. Night Stand. Are you just

going through his shit on there? Yeah, what would you do? Why did you make your diary a name tag and just hand that up here? Honestly, he doesn't have any pictures or anything. Did you buy this just to do this? It's pretty empty. There's one app that says Lonely Times.

And I'll put it to sleep there. All right, so what's his name on the iPad? Rom. Rom. And who are you playing for, Jay? It looks like you have a disc on your dick. Yes, Jeremy. And it says Jeremy on it.

All right. I don't approve. But that's cool. Good luck, everybody. And if you lose, don't forget, we'll find out who you want me to call a shithead at the end of the show. Yeah, it's quite an honor.

There's been some good ones lately. I liked Elton John's Baby was a really good one. Is he a shithead? Hey, it's not me. Someone told me to say it. I'm pulling up the Leonard Maltin app. We'll start. You guys all right?

Yeah, Anthony just turned to me and whispered, Hey, are you good at this game? And I turned to him and went, nope. Okay, so that gives me some strategy ideas. We'll let you go first. We'll let you pick a category from these choices. Let's do this thing. Are you guys ready to see this?

Is that like your announcer catchphrase? Yeah, I'm so glad I have a... Are you guys ready to see this? A hype man, that's awesome. Just wanted to get some energy in the room. All right, do you want to get some more energy in the room? Was that enough? Are we good?

Yeah. We're at the right level of energy? Yeah, no, I guess we're a little high on energy. Or pot. Or pot. Or pot. A guy named Mike Eisen 21 on Twitter, at Mike Eisen 21, he suggested

Time Magazine, they did a piece on the best soundtracks. So these are movies that have the best soundtracks. Yeah, what? You think that one's a what? Listen to this one. At the Ryan Howard wrote his categories called Fishy, and that's movies with the word fish in the title. Ooh, I like that.

Yeah. And then Ape Meat wrote in, that's his real first name, he wrote in and said punctuated titles. That's movies with some sort of punctuation in the title of the movie. Which one of those would you like to play, Anthony Jeselnik? Those are all good. What was the middle one?

Fish? Oh. Some weird girl or dude just went, eeeew. It was the dolphin. Fish, punctuation, and It was the dolphin. Fish, punctuation, and what was the first one?

Time Magazine best soundtracks. Best soundtracks. I'm gonna go... I'm gonna go best soundtracks. Oh, wow. You got coerced into it by a guy in the audience. Whoa. I hope you're happy, guy in audience. Okay, good.

I hoped for it and it came true. Would you like a movie with a great soundtrack from 98, 2000, or 2004? Ooh. Again, the audience has an opinion about what you're going to know. I'm going to go 98. I'm going to do whatever you randomly tell me. Okay, wow, you're easily coerced. That doesn't...

You shouldn't encourage them that way. Three and a half stars from Leonard Maltin. I might go full four on this one, to be honest with you. Wait, is that a quote? That's me. It's me talking. This is something Leonard has said about it.

He goes, it's a genuine original. And he also says, characters that always ring true. I don't know why I said it like Dr. Evil. Those are your clues. It's from 1998, three and a half stars, great soundtrack,

and there are 11 names. How many names do you think you can get it in, Anthony? Honestly, I want to say zero names. You want to, or you're going to stand by it and really do it? I feel like I know it, but I could be way off.

You should do it. You should go for it. Your only hint was genuine characters and a real unique gem or something. That's all you need. You got it. Unique gem is what made me think. Yeah, there's only so many

of those. But you know what? Now that I think about it, I think my year is off. I was thinking of something else. Oh, shit. Do you rescind your zero? Yeah, how many names were there? Eleven.

I'm going to say I can guess it in... six names. I like that. I like that bit. Jay? Jay? Oh, we're going this way. I like that bit. Jay? Oh, we're going this way. Yeah, we are. Sorry.

Jay tried to get out of that. Wait. We're going this way. Five. Five? We're going cock-wise. Biggest cock-wise. That was clever.

Oh, God. I'm going to go ahead and say... Shut up, giant cock. Biggest cock wise. That was clever. I'm going to go ahead and say... Shut up, giant cock. It's on Jay. It's Jay's turn. Five. Okay. Go. I didn't hear it. I was making stupid jokes. Sorry.

I was talking about cock. Okay, I'll say name that movie. Really? Yeah. I was making stupid jokes. Sorry. I was talking about cock. Okay, I'll say name that movie. Name that movie. Really? Yeah. All right, here we go. He gets five names. Bring it, you Irish son of a bitch.

There was shit talking in the... Okay, I see how it goes. Three and a half stars from Leonard. He calls it genuine original. And he also says that it's that other thing that I said before. Characters that always ring true. TJ, stop with the hand comedy. Wait, if he doesn't get it, can I guess? Sure, for fun.

Yeah, yeah, that'll be a good time. Sure, for fun. Sure, for fun. That's like the father that lets his kid play with the video game when there's no coins in it. Yeah, sure, go play for fun. There you go. Pretend you're the characters in the demo.

Those kids that play it for a while should just be rounded up and kept somewhere. All right. That was a genocide joke. And I don't agree with it. Said voice of Gary Busey. Kept, kept, not killed, kept. Kept.

Please. Sure, the Nazis kept them in Auschwitz I want to pet them I want to be able to pet them if they're in one place I can go and pet them pet a hairy baby okay here's your five names Harry here's your five names. Harry. Andrew Wilson.

Andrew Wilson. Luke Wilson. Connie Nielsen. Stephen McColl. And Sarah Tanaka. Don't yell it out if you know it. I think Sarah Tanaka. But if you do know it, breathe very heavily.

Go like this. Ugh. Fuck. I have no idea. No idea? All right, now, Anthony, do you want your guess? Because TJ gets the point. What would you like to guess just for fun?

98. I would guess Bottle Rocket Rushmore Wow that was close Andrew Wilson Luke Wilson Sarah Tanaka

She's good in that movie I like her Well done TJ gets the point. Moving on. Anthony, you get to select a category again. Oh, really? Yeah, you do.

In theaters now, that's motion pictures that are in theaters now. Comic book movies. Ooh. Or super, in quotes, super movies. So it's movies with the word super in quotes super movies so it's movies with the word super in the title shout out to my friends made super

I said those all suck which one sucks the least for you no no I meant all movies with the word super in them that's true kind of I see where you're going with that. Let's count them off. There's super girl. That sucked.

Super bad. Super bad. Super dad was bad. Super Jaime. Super Jaime. Hey, now I get it. Super disrespectful. What was the first one? It's comic book movies or in theaters now or Ernest goes to movies.

Comic book movies. Alright, Anthony's going with comic book movies. Do you want a comic book movie from 2001, 2003, or 2006? I'll go 2001. Alright.

Three stars from Leonard. I don't care. Doesn't matter to me if he wants to give it that. But here's what he says about it. He says... He says this thriller treads familiar ground. And he also says that one person in the movie

seems out of place as a weathered prostitute. Ah, supersized. So one of the actresses is out of place. Again, I don't know what any of that was. And it's a thriller that treads familiar ground. Three stars. And there are eight names. How many names do you think you can get it in, Anthony?

Zero names. Zero names. Holy shit. Anthony. Zero names. Zero names. Holy shit. Anthony. The current tournament of championships is full. We have all the players we need. But if you qualify

by getting a movie in zero or less names, you will be in the running. You'll be in the next tournament of championships. Can you even hold it together knowing that information? It's exciting. It builds up the tension in the game. It's very exciting to get into the Tournament of Championships.

It's fun to say it wrong. Okay, so you go zero names. Then we come around here to he's playing for Laurie. What do I get, Lori? Jesus. Lori, don't end up being a weathered old prostitute

that's out of place. You a W.O.P.? Yeah, you know me. A W.O.P.? Yeah, you know me. A W.O.P. All right, I'm going to guess. No, no, no. Now we go down to Jay. He could go negative one name or negative two names.

Name it. He's just naming it. Name the movie. All right. Do you want all the clues and stuff again, or are you ready to go? I think I'm ready to go. Okay, what is it?

Punisher. No. No. No! No! I didn't know you'd get booed for getting it wrong. Was it? Heather Graham was the actress. You already said it.

Huh? Wait, what was it? Did you say it? No, I think somebody in the audience said it. Heather Graham was the actress that he was talking about. She was out of place as a British prostitute in From Hell. Yeah. Oh!

That was the most ohs I think that has ever happened on that particular... Alright, so what happened there? You failed at getting it. Who told you? The movie was From Hell? And that's a superhero movie?

Comic movie. Oh, sorry, nerds. Fucking excuse me. We said comic book, not superhero. It was a graphic novel. It was a graphic novel, you shitheads. One each punch each other. I appreciate you having my back, TJ.

No problem, friend. It's hard out here for a yeti. Let's do it. So you have a point, TJ. And Jay has a point. And Anthony, Jay doesn't have a point. But you all have J's in your names.

Doug Benson, wrapping it up slowly and without purpose. We're going to fix this shit in post. It's going to be like, that was not how he, he didn't talk that fast. Then the song I sing at the end is just auto-tuned. Point, point, but who got the last point? You did, because he said name it. No, because you said name it to him, so we start with TJ.

Sorry about that. Here we go, TJ. Movies featuring the great Bryan Cranston. Yeah, he's been in some movies. Smallish roles. Here we go, TJ. Movies featuring the great Bryan Cranston. Yeah. He's been in some movies. Smallish roles. Yeah. He's been in some movies.

Next category. Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen. Yeah. People hate that category. That's right. I like fueling the hate. Let's fuel the hate.

Just get a big shovel of fucking hate coal and shove it into the engine. Shove it in there. And then Ernest Goes To movies. Gotta do Ernest Goes To movies until somebody picks it. At one of my live shows somebody picks it. How would we...

At one of my live shows, somebody picked it, and it was an exciting category to play. Well, you know what? I'm going to do it. I'm going to take the Ernest Goes. Yes! Here's the thing. Finally. Here's the thing.

I'm just going to do it to prove that there's no way to tell the difference between any of them, you know? Like, nothing that he'll say would be specific enough about the film. We'll see. It's a dastardly category because you can make a pretty educated guess.

And by educated I mean like you're a dumb shit that paid attention to Ernest movies. I think there was like 47 of them. Jesus. No, there weren't that many. Oh, shit, standing up? So just take a guess. Oh, he's...

Okay, yes, that's a good point, sir. The person in the audience was like, he's standing up. I should be talking the listener through that kind of stuff. TJ was standing up. Now he's back up. Okay, he was down again for a second there,

but now he's back up. Now he's doing I don't know what Now I know why I don't just describe everything that's happening Would you like Try and explain that dance Would you like No I'm not gonna I looked away after a little bit.

Honestly, I'm standing up... I saw just enough to get it in the spank bank and then I looked away. I have to urinate very badly. That's why I'm standing up. I've never used the expression spank bank and I'm sad that when I finally did use it it was really in a horrible, horrible context context it's nicer ways to say it like in the Mother's Day

card or something so here are your years you get to choose from you get 1987 1990 1990 or 1994 Shut up I'll take 94 Alright This is an Ernest Goes To movie It's uh Jail Shit sorry It's Leonard calls it a bomb.

Yeah. Wait, was it the bomb? And as far as I know, it's the only one in the series he called a bomb. That's my first clue. Yeah, he gives the other ones at least one or two stars. And then he says, followed by the next sequel after this one.

This is a pretty good clue. This was followed by Slam Dunk Ernest. And there are... How is that a pretty good clue? There are six... That's it? Hey, if you can remember the movie before Slam Dunk Ernest, this will be a slam dunk.

I'm not saying whether or not the answer is Ernest goes to jail, but that would be one of a few guesses that would be a reasonable guess. How many names do you think you could get it in out of six names? One name. And I hope that name is Ernest. No, it's whoever played the sixth.

That wouldn't help you at all. Three names. It's like you have no sixth sense. Three names. And sensibility Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Three names? Yeah. Okay. Anthony?

Name that fucking movie. I mean, are you right? Did I go in the right direction? What the fuck else would I do? Be a man. Okay, here's your names. Thanks for taking over, buddy. Hey, but it's in all seriousness, you guys. Yeah, no, I think he was right.

Ernest goes to get some balls. Is that... I forgot to mention this. Everybody here tonight on your way out, you're going to get a burn notice. It's a DVD. TJ's just going to stand in the doorway and burn every single person

as they leave. Nice shoes. Your coat sucks. Nice. Okay, here's your names. Jason Meeches. Thank God. Good old Kevin McNulty. Good old Kevin McNulty.

Oh, here it comes. The great Kevin McNulty. And Connie... Fosingsworth. Kesslow. Nope, different Connie. Kesslow. I thought it was a totally different Connie.

Okay, fair enough. Kind of backed into a corner with this Connie. So guess a movie title that has Ernest Goes To in it. You'd like to do it in Spanish, please? I think I know the word for this in Spanish, so I think I'll know if you got it right. Ernesto va a casa. Ernesto goes to the library.

Was it Ernest Goes to the library? No, he goes to school. That sounds pretty good. That's his squalor. Well, that's what I was going to say. I'm proud of myself. Bibliotheca, school. The whole thing's about learning.

I don't go into any of it. The whole thing's about learning, I just said, about a school library. I still don't understand how slam dunk was a good clue to Ernest goes to school. Well, because it narrowed still don't understand how slam dunk was a good clue to Ernest Goes to School. Well, because it narrowed down that it's not slam dunk. And when you get slam dunked on, you just got schooled.

I think they should have called it Ernest Goes to Slam Dunk. Really keep it straight. Okay, so I think we have a three-way tie. This is the most exciting match we've had in the history of... Okay. Don't we?

That's what's happening. It feels exciting. We're going to start down there with Big Irish Jay. He's going to pick a category from these possibilities. Punctuated titles. Fish. Titles with fish in it. And in theaters now.

Let's see. Which one? You guys say fish? All right, I'll do in theaters now. You guys say fish? All right, I'll do in theaters now. It's weird how that side is yelling shit out all the time and you guys are just sitting there so polite. Did you guys come in like in a bus from Puyallup?

Ultimate bird notice I hope no one's I mean I would love it if there were podcast listeners in Puyallup and they forgave me for saying that but it's just you gotta give it you gotta you know even if you live there you gotta be like well that's it gets a good reaction

I don't blame him can't blame him for saying that because the people love it so much. He must really get a charge out of that. He must really appreciate Puyallup for being so shitty. I should go visit or something. That's not fair.

Maybe I'll go there and love it. Maybe I'll be like, oh, fucking Bellevue totally smells compared to Puyallup. I hate that nice smell. What? Come to your house? There's no way it's going to happen, serial rapist.

And by that I mean he fucks Cheerios. Without their consent. Please, always get consent. In writing, if you can. Always get consent. What's happening? It's a three-way tie, right? Yeah, he just picked current movies

and then you started fucking talking about something for a while. And then you delivered a burn notice that hurt because it was true. Alright, In Theaters Now is the category. This is exciting. Let's recap who we're playing for. Anthony's playing for Laurie.

TJ's playing for iPad. What's his name? Rom. And you're playing for Jeremy. Here we go. Big. And you're playing for Jeremy. Here we go. Big Arse Jay's playing for Jeremy. This movie, Leonard doesn't, he gives a big, long review.

Did he pick a year yet? You don't pick a year when it's in theaters now. Whoa. Well, you should have explained that. That burn notice is 2011. Yeah, that was not well. Get him a monster! Leonard writes extra long reviews when it's a new movie just to give you a lot to read

if you want to look at your phone and read it so he doesn't give stars he just gives a long review so I'll try to pick out some clues it's in theaters now and he calls it he says it's I don't want to give it away.

Enormously satisfying, he says. And... It deals with an issue that couldn't be more relevant. Could not be more relevant. Please, you're naming TV shows, sir. Or you're insulting me and my mother. That would be a horrible thing to be heckled while you're doing a show. How I met your mother.

Okay, so what's happening? How I met your mother. Okay. So what's happening? Those are the clues. There are nine names. Nine names? Yeah, and we're starting with you. I'll say, we'll go with six. Six names.

Come around here to Anthony. The guy's yelling another weird thing over here. It's not even that late. Five. There's nine names. Or who is it? It's me. You know what? I'll do five. You did six. I'll say five.

Here we go, you guys. Name it, motherfucker. This is for the game. Jay, you're already out. What's up? Nothing. I didn't say anything. Sit down. You scare me when you're mobile enough to come at me.

I like to keep you in chairs. Before you give me the names, what were the hints again? Tremendously satisfying. What was the other one? But you're not naming it, though, are you? You're naming it in five? Yeah, but I want to hear the clues before. I'll give you the clues again. It's exciting to hear the clues again.

I don't think I can find the clues again. He says that it's enormously satisfying, and he also said that it was relevant. Could not be more relevant. And your five names are David W. Thompson, Margo Martindale, Alex Schaefer,

Melanie Linsky, and Bert Young. Do not yell it out if you know it. People made weird noises, though. I guess that's acceptable. That's the noise somebody made. And Burt Young. Do you have any idea, Anthony? I've got a notion. You cannot let T.J. Miller win this game. I have to go to the bathroom. I know. Now Anthony's going to do his fucking...

We're going to have to be up here for as long as it takes. You made me think of this one. Take your time, Anthony. And then after the show, it's going to be like a fucking line. I'm going to take a drink if you're going to wait for a while.

I should just go with my first guess. I go with my instinct. What would that instinct be, Anthony? Doug's still drinking. I'm going to wait to say my answer until Doug pukes. I'm so excited about this, I have to stand up. I love Voss water. If you haven't had it, it's fantastic.

My guess right now? The Lincoln lawyer. That's a good guess, but incorrect. Oh. Fuck yeah, I just won, and I'm going to the bathroom. Are you really going to the bathroom? Fuck yeah! All right, hurry.

Hey, wait, Doug. Doug. Hurry back, we gotta... Doug. Was it source code? No, it's not source code. Damn it. No, it's...

The next name was Jeffrey Tambor. Bobby Carnevale. Win-win, this gentleman right here up front. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. I knew that one. The man with the coincidental name.

So, TJ's our winner. Way to go, Anthony. But he's in the bathroom, so let's wait to celebrate. Let's wait to celebrate him. This is such a weird time to get up and go. We can't wait for him. What do you mean we can't wait for him? I mean, isn't the show over?

Are we going to wait for him to come back? Yeah, we'll talk. People don't mind if it goes for a few more minutes. That was probably only about half of the people, but you know. Woo! Fun. Fun, fun.

That's what they should call it. It's good, yeah. It's a good movie. Check it out if you like good movies I would see it So what else are you going to do while you're in town, Anthony? I'm going to go back to my place tonight Your place? Here comes the winner That fucking metal hippie

hippie beads entryway is a weird thing I never get used to it I'm sorry, guys, and then I got all the way to the bathroom Metal hippie beads entryway is a weird thing. I never get used to it. I'm sorry, you guys. And then I got all the way to the bathroom and I was bladder shy. Just kidding. Congratulations, TJ Miller's our winner!

Yay! Thank you guys so much. And thank you to Rom for giving me your laptop. I was just telling you today, TJ, that you don't have to know shit to win at this game. And I was just telling you today that that's an insult. And then look what happened. I was right.

It was a correct insult. You're right, Doug. You were right. No, but you did a great job I appreciate it Thanks, guys, and thank you all for being here You said that like you're about to get beaten Like you had to slip it in We still have a minute

Yeah? Yeah, yeah Is there anything on your mind? Anything that I'm thinking about? How was your bathroom run? Was it fun? It was fun Did you write any jokes while you were in there? Did you write any tweets? Yeah, I. Is there anything on your mind? Anything that I'm thinking about? How was your bathroom run? Was it fun? It was fun. Did you write any jokes while you were in there?

Did you write any tweets? Yeah, I tweeted a little bit. Did you tweet while you pee? I tweeted, full stream ahead, everyone. I feel like my zipper's down. Yeah, it's down a little bit. It's down a little bit. Sorry, Jay. Sorry about that.

Who were you playing for? Where's your person? Rom's over there. Jeremy is who I was playing for. But the winner is Rom. Rom. Oh, Rom. Wait, what?

Rom won? Rom won. Okay, let's give Rom the prize. We've got to give Rom the prize. Rom, come on up here, you old piece of... Hey, do you want this underwear, Rom? I think somebody contributed it for you. Are you sure you don't want it?

You know what, though? I think it's stuck to the stage at this point. Who threw it? They seem very fresh. They seem very fresh. I cannot wait to smell them, to inhale them. There you go. A worse comedian would make a joke

about taking that home. There you go. So you win all this stuff, Rom. Congratulations, dude. Well done. Where's Lori? Rom, I want you to know that on your iPad, I emailed your mother and said that you wanted to take a little time off.

Here, Lori, write down on the back of this, write down who I should call a shithead, please. There you go. You got a pencil and everything. These guys are prepared. Lori's looks like a Netflix envelope, because that's what it is. There you go. I'll what it is there you go

I'll trade you there you go there's your thing back and who's the other one oh this guy right here for reals you picked the person sitting right in front of you do I look like I want to get up and go around finding somebody not with that face you're making you don't

thank you it's just how I look Doug thanks I hope this is I think this is going to be really fun to listen to this show tonight and I hope you guys enjoyed watching it is there anything you guys want to add before we go? I can say

you can see me on John Oliver's New York stand-up show on this Thursday April 7th. I think this will air before that, huh? Or now? No, no, this is going to plop after that, but thanks for trying. It'll get rerun. It'll rerun, huh? Or now? No, no, this is going to plop after that, but thanks for trying. It'll get rerun.

It'll rerun, right? They'll play it again. They're playing Mashup a lot on Comedy Central. The DJ's very good in that. Mashup on Comedy Central, and then My Idiot Brother, and then I have an hour special called No Real Reason that should drop maybe in the fall.

And I'm also releasing a music album where I finally get to express myself as a rapper and a pop star called the Extended Play EP and that should be coming out around the time of my special. So please listen to my music. I have a track on that. I dropped a track on that. He dropped a fucking shout out.

You won't believe. Yeah, you're not going to believe it. You're going to be like, wow, I don't believe that. I totally don't believe that. Big J, where are you going? You got anything coming up? You're going to be like, wow, I don't believe that. I totally don't believe that. Big J, where are you going? You got anything coming up? You're going to be with me in what is it, April 28th in Buffalo. Yeah, so Google that or whatever.

Also, upcoming movie, The One Minute Comic, end of the year. Really? What are you playing? Why do you have to sound so surprised? What do you think, I don't got shit going on? Thanks. Should be a fucking motivational speaker. You were like, wait, what the fuck? You got something else

going on? I don't believe a word of it. Well, at least out of the three of us, at least Anthony didn't care about any of it. To even participate. He's like ready to go. You doing alright, buddy? I'm cool.

Yes, you are. So they can see this movie in theaters? Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink? Yeah. I'm continuing to not believe that you're an emotional picture for no reason. There's no reason for us to not believe it. Yeah, One Minute Comic. Go to oneminutecomic.com and you can see.

Oh, it's got a website. It's real if it's got a website. How long is it? I'll let you know when we start filming. Lemonparty.me Can we do the one inch punch now? Oh, people love it.

People love the one inch punch. But I don't I told them beforehand I'm not going to try to talk them love it. People love the one-inch punch. But I told them beforehand I'm not going to try to talk them into it, so let's not get everybody riled up over it. Because it's just not going to happen. Oh, boo. It's just not going to happen. Why don't you get hit in the chest?

I'll tell you what. If that girl right there comes up and gets one... Okay, never mind. That girl right there comes up and gets one. Okay, never mind. This is a fun one. I brought a Sharpie if you want me to sign it. Instead of getting punched,

I'll sign your ribcage. Where do you do it? Where do you do it on a woman? Just punch her in one of the tits? Yeah. Horrifying. Horrifying. I've never done it to a woman or punched her.

Can I do a quick editorial, you guys? Absolutely. Hopefully not too serious. A quick what? Editorial about movies. I saw Sucker Punch. Say what you will about it. Keep going straight ahead with wherever you're living your life.

Whether Sucker Punch is good or not is not my point. My point is, it's a big studio movie and it got a PG-13 and there's not a moment in that movie where women are not being physically threatened like they're physically threatened of being raped for the entire movie

and the king's speech got an R and it's about a king learning how to make an important speech. The fucking MPAA is ridiculous. That's real talk. That's real talk. Print it. MPAA,

you've just been served a burn notice. Maybe I'll figure out how to turn that into a joke or something. Which movie did you like more? Maybe now that I said it, I'll never have to worry about it again. What did you like more, Sucker Punch or King's Speech?

King's Speech is better, but Sucker Punch, I didn't love it or hate it. I was just very saddened that I didn't love it. I wanted to love it so much, and then I was like, it looks great, but what the fuck is happening?

You got bummed out as soon as you finished jerking off, huh? It was so bad. It's not even really jerk-off-y. The girls are always being threatened. Like, I can't get a boner while a woman's going, oh, don't hit me. You can't? Oh, so you didn't see it in 3D.

That's why you've got to walk into the movie with a boner. Yeah. Guys, pre-bone. Definitely pre-bone before you go into sucker punch. Just walk in, dick ready to go, get your business done, and then sneak over into win-win. That's also the name of the grip is a sucker punch. Doug gives it one pre-boner.

That's like your rating system. Have a boner before you go on this one. But his rating system is just... Thin red line, leave your boner at home. But the whole scale is just boner and no boner. There's nothing else. This is real. Hop was a real boner.

That's a go with a boner. Hey, so thanks to all of my guests. I don't know where to go after all that. If anybody... For the rest of time, if anybody Googles the word boner, this is going to come up first, probably. We use the word boner a lot.

What are you putting on the cover? Huh? I feel like that's a ridiculous statement to make. What? That, like, if you had, like... We were, like, saying, like, hey, this podcast is pretty normal, but I'm gonna have just a fucking boner on the cover.

So whenever anyone Googles boner, they'll get this podcast. Like, you were trying to, like, set it up in post. I want to live in wherever Anthony Jesselmick's mind is right now want to live in wherever Anthony Jesselmick's mind is right now. I think Anthony Jesselmick's mind is like a marshmallow cloud and you can

just dance around on it and shoot tomatoes at little squirrels. I couldn't agree more, Syndrome. Shoot tomatoes? I kind of ran out of steam at that point. You wouldn't let me be your sidekick. Just say it.

What is it? You wouldn't let me be your sidekick. You wouldn't let me be your sidekick You wouldn't let me be your sidekick That's why you didn't get the part Because you were like You went leprechaun on it And they wanted more like a Jason Lee sound Thank you so much to Anthony Jeselnik

Everybody for coming out Spending a long weekend In the Pacific Northwest Thank you so much to Anthony Jeselnik, everybody, for coming out. Spending a long weekend in the Pacific Northwest. TJ Miller doing a lot of hand comedy. Keeping the podcast fresh by getting laughs through gestures. Thanks, guys. How to train your dragon. Faces. He does a lot of faces. Oscar nominated.

You're like, you should have a business card that says you're a facialist. You make faces. That's right. You guys in the audience who are like, I want to laugh louder at the idea of coming on the face part of it. Your squinting face is one of my on the face part of it. Your squinting face is one of my favorites. Yeah, that one.

It's like, oh my god, what's headed towards that guy's face? He's really not happy about it and preparing for the worst. I'm the lazy Jim Carrey. I'm a poor man's John Heater. I'm Jason Segel with a smaller

tick. I'm so glad there were three of those because that's how it works. And Big Irish Jay, of course. Jay Hollingsworth. You could see him with me. Our friends in Canada

could see the two of us together at a comedy bar in Canada on May 1st. And I can hear the woot monkey going off in the audience. That's awesome. And thank you to the audience here at Parlor Live in Bellevue, Washington. Thank you, guys. You guys are so awesome.

We really appreciate... Yeah, he got the name tag up again. He doesn't know where he is or what's happening. I still want to win. Jess loves you. She's saying she loves you. Jess loves you. Oh, yay. Thank you. But the Y is out,

so it just looks like Jess. As always, But the Y is out, so it just looks like Jess, ew. Jess, ew. As always, TJ Miller is a shithead. And Donald Trump is a shithead. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes unfolded, viewing crowd was big. There's no room in his heart for you. Because Doug loves movies.