Doug Loves Movies - Ben Schwartz, "Werner Herzog," "Mark Wahlberg," and Chip Gardner Guest

Episode Date: April 1, 2014

Doug welcomes "Ben Schwartz," filmmakers "Werner Herzog" and "Mark Wahlberg," and Hollywood glad-hander Chip Gardner to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, squeaky babies, sticky seeds with 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, cause Doug loves movies! The script is damp. Hey, everybody! My name is Doug, and I love movies! This is Doug Loves Movies! I think that might be the best ever. Coming to you from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater

in Los Angeles. I wrote on Los Angeles. That is incorrect. Corrections Department. California on Tuesday, April 1st, 2014 Wolf of Wall Street fight Terminator 2 Judgment Day of the

dead man walking tall. The president's men in Black Fisher King. Ralph a dog. Good times were had by me in Kansas City last weekend. I'll be back June 14th to do a Benson movie interruption of one of the top three roller derby movies ever made, Whip It, and you can only think of three, right?

Or four if you count the remake of Rollerball. And I'll be doing a Douglas Movies at the Kansas City Improv on June 15th. Now it's time for Tweet Relief, tweets about movies. Past and future Douglas Movies guest Joe Pettis tweeted, I said bless you to a dog after he sneezed, which was pointless because all dogs go to heaven. This has been Tweet Relief, dead dog edition. Aww. This has been Tweet Relief Dead Dog Edition.

Aww! I think some tickets are still available to watch me compete with Matt Bronger and Arden Mirren for points on Friday night in a special At Midnight Live at the South Beach Comedy Festival.

If you're in Miami, go to this thing because we're just going to play At Midnight just for the audience that's there it'll be like watching a dress rehearsal or some shit or like when they were first testing the show before it became a show they'd have an audience and they weren't really taping anything anyway

I think it'll be fun that's why I said yes and Saturday night I'll be at the Shrine Auditorium in LA for Kevin and Bean's benefit that's called April Foolishness. Come support some good causes. Now, you know this show has not normally had an open-door policy. But it is April 1st, so I figured, why the hell not?

So, please welcome Mark Wahlberg, Chip Gardner and Ben Schwartz aka Spider-Man please welcome them with applause that was weird that was the first time I've ever said all the names and no one applauded maybe they just can't believe what's happening. They can't believe I got the Ben Schwartz starring in the new Spider-Man film

and Mark Wahlberg. That's a lot of applause. Mark Wahlberg isn't really that big of a surprise. No, you knew Mark Wahlberg was going to show up. He's been on a lot lately. Chip Gardner. My apologies, I had urgent Hollywood business to attend to.

I'm very sorry to be late. What were you doing, Chip? I was out there shining up some of the stars on the Walk of Fame. Oh, cool. You know, they do get awfully dirty. What with people walking on them. It was a terrible idea to put them down there where feet can get at them.

Does Roger Mudd have one? Sure, certainly does. It's a television one. Mm-hmm. So let's just get right to it. Chip Gardner is here, everybody. Chip! Thank you very much.

How much of the show did I miss? A great deal of it? No, you didn't miss much. I'm just telling people now about the prize bag that you're a big fan of comic performances. So you brought a thing

by a gentleman named Andrew Daly called Nine Sweaters. I brought that. I found it over in the used bin of the record store. And I that. I found it over in the used bin of the record store. And I signed it

and brought it over. Oh, that's terrific. You wrote Hail Satan. Yes. He really did. Chip Gardner. That's correct.

Hail Satan. Well, that's... Oh, that's... But that's... Why don't you say something like vote for me for honorary mayor or something like that? They're one and the same, my friend. Hail Satan is my campaign slogan.

Oh, now I see. Now I'm getting it. I have two campaign promises. One is that I intend to bring Satan back. I intend to conjure him out of the lake of fire to rain chaos and destruction upon the world. Cool.

And I will rule at his unholy side as he does so. And I also pledge to bring film production back to Hollywood. Cool. Cool. I'm in. I vote for that. Very good. I will not be voting for that.

That's Mark Wahlberg, ladies and gentlemen. Marky Mark! Oh my God. Hello to you. Ted 2! How you doing? What's up?

He brought for the prize bag How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Yep. Take a shot. Very good book.

And you also included a $5 gift card for Ross, Dressed for Less. I told Donnie, I go, go to your favorite store, buy something the poor people like. That's what he came up with, huh? So he wrote

inside, it's like the gift card inside, it says, it's to you gift card inside it says it's to you from Mark Wahlberg and then message, you're welcome. Fucking nailed it. Go get yourself a scarf or something. I don't care. You're cocky in every aspect of your everything. Here's the deal.

Some poor person is going to win this. Okay? Then they're going to go to Ross. They're going to buy, I don't know, a plate or whatever they do with that money. But they're going to hang out with that. That really is a way to dress for less. It is. A couple plates.

What do you got here? That is a Game of Thrones... Coaster? Coaster. Yeah, that is also, would be a terrific weapon. You could also fucking cut lines with us. Let me throw it at Baseball Jordan and see what happens. Yeah, that thing

is fucking intense, man. You hear that shit? I almost didn't get through airport security with that. Is that true? It's a good thing I had it in my ass. Because otherwise they would have been like, hey, man. So I got that at a Game of Thrones event in Kansas City.

That's where all the great Game of Thrones events happen. It's supposed to take place in the past? I don't think that show's fucking real. This is one coaster? Yeah, just throwing it in the prize bag. That is not a good prize. No. But it's like a weapon.

One weapon? For drinking alone. You throw it at... Ben Schwartz is here, everybody. Hey. Hey, guys. Thank you. He's very kind of you.

Bam. Same gift every time. Every time I come on, I get the same gift. Every time. It's the same thing, but it's always funny. Although I'll tell you,

I probably only have 20 more times to do in this show until I run out of gifts. Breaking bad news with baby animals. On the cover, Grandma's dead. Cute puppy dog. I wrote that five years ago. And maybe your legs will grow back looking on the bright side with baby animals.

Those are real books. Those are real books. Those are real books that I authored with my friend Amanda, and I still have a box of them at my place. So every Doug Loves Movies, I pop out one more of each. Can I ask a question? Of course, Mark. Jesus, I can't believe you're

even talking to me, man. In the green room, you refuse to talk to me. I refuse to look at you. Here's the deal. I mean, you're... What's it called? Not a necklace. What's it called? This is called a bracelet. Right, but it's big enough to be your fucking necklace. I know, right? Yeah. This is called an attention getter.

So people are like... Mission accomplished. Look at that fucking bracelet. Holy shit, is that Mark Wahlberg? Then they don't even care about the bracelet. I one-up my own fucking jewelry. Oh, got it. Got it. Your bottle of water is doing the same thing. This is the celebrity edition of Voss right here.

That's weird. You have your own water called Aquahydrate. I do. Me and that black dude from I Wish You Were Here. That song is so pristine. Seems racist already, yeah. Who's that guy? You want me to name every black person? From I Wish You Were Here?

Yeah, he sang that song about Azores B.I.G. He's like, every breath you take. He stole it from that old white dude. Yes, that dude. The Diddles and I, we got a fucking we got a water company. That's who you couldn't think of was P. Diddy?

He's that small to you? You're that enormous? Here's the deal. If you don't make the same amount of money as me, I don't remember your name. He was on The Apprentice.

That's right, he was on The Apprentice. He was on a Broadway play. He was in that commercial where everybody celebrates Vegas. Okay, the dude is on The Apprentice.

You guys know a lot about this guy, too. Which means he has something in common with Trace Atkins. Why would I remember his name? P. Diddy's definitely aligned with Satan. You should try to run him down. Like, he's a Satan guy.

I will run him down, believe me. Jesus Christ, man. I'll run him down with a Monte Carlo. I understood. I like that, Chip. You've got to be aggressive. You don't have to drag any kind of car brands into it. Fine like that, Chip. You've got to be aggressive. You don't have to drag any kind of car brands into it. Fine. Jesus, Chip.

Have I mentioned that I'll be at Hyenas in Dallas on Monday? No. I don't think I have. And that my Benson movie interruption of Jurassic Park Sunday sold out, so we added an interruption of the Lost World Jurassic Park at 8 o'clock. This is both in Richardson, Texas. Yeah. Have you guys been to This is both in Richardson, Texas. Yeah. Have you guys been to the movies? Enjoy it, Richardson.

I, uh... Thank you. You might be a good permanent sidekick on the show. Oh! Been a long time since the rock and roll. I think that's a good idea. What a surprise.

Been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. Someone is later than me. Hello. Doug. What a treat. Didn't talk. Didn't happen. People are excited. Werner Herzog

is here. I knew that you were trying to make it here for the show and I didn't want to spoil the surprise but I was so excited that you might burst in and that exactly what happened would happen. How does it feel to bring you so much that you bring so much joy to people just by

appearing? It's a mixed blessing because of course I wish joy for all people but I'm on the fence about being the source of it. Sure. Bringing joy to others does not bring me as much joy as you might think. Sometimes I'd like to be one of the others.

By that I mean one of the titular ghosts in the film of the same name. Doug, I apologize. My friend, that was a bit of a spoiler. That's where you're wrong, Chip Gardner, because we know that we know that there are ghosts in the film, but we don't know

who the ghosts are. That is a bit of a spoiler. Because when the film starts, you are certain who the ghosts are, but by the end, you might think differently than you did at the beginning. Doug, I apologize

for my tardiness, but I was making my... Hello, Ben. How are you? How are you, buddy? It's nice to see you again. Good to see you again. Please let me get this out. I beg of you. Burner. I apologize.

It's a one-on-sentence from when you sat down to this second. I apologize. I apologize for my tardiness, but I was making my nightly patrols of the Mulholland area for celebrities in danger.

And... Christ. I was taking an awful time getting Casey Affleck's head out of a bike rack in a dog park. He really had it vegged in there. I'm going to be honest, I have no fucking clue what this dude has said

since he got on here. Mark, it's nice to see you again. How you doing, buddy? Do you recall the time that I rescued you when you had your arm stuck to the shoulder in that fire hydrant? Here's the deal. I was going to win $20 and I could lift that fucking fire hydrant up.

$20? You're a gazillionaire. Yeah, but I was going to prove something, Ben. It's the principle. It is the fucking principle. Werner, don't you tell me It's the principle You just hung out With Casey We thought

I rescued him From a dire situation The best thing was My fucking arm Is stuck in there And you were like Let go And it worked

Yeah You guys should work together I'm sure Werner Maybe has some idea Maybe for you to go up Some river And maybe never come back. Some sort of concentration

camp or something. Yeah, we could do it like Sixth Sense. We could do another movie where Donnie shoots himself. I was very upset I didn't get to direct The Happening Wherein You Battled Nature. That would have been a perfect

film for me to direct. I kind of ran from it, was the whole deal. And then at one point I talked to it. But I feel like if we had done a battle, I would have fucking won. All the elements. Oh my god. You know how many times I walk against wind? Yeah.

You're still here, man. Where's the wind? I don't see any wind here. That must suck when you get involved in a project like that that just holds you back like it doesn't let you be, you know. You know, Mark Wahlberg. What Mark Wahlberg would do in that situation. I was a fucking math teacher. You were playing a character who was a complete pussy.

Right. And you could have been more like yourself. Like when that old lady's like, I know what you're here to do. You're here to kill me, right? And I had to be all, what? No, we're not here to kill me, right? And I had to be all, what? No, we're not here to kill you. What I want to do is like, I'm going to fucking kill this bitch.

No, no, no, no. It's just about nature. I'm like, alright. You fucking take this girl out. Keep this house. We could have gone in a whole different direction with that movie. Mark, may I ask you, what was how did you approach the role of a science teacher? Well, here's the deal. I went out.

I bought a book. Okay? Which book? What kind of book? I don't even fucking know. It was like, I walked in. I go, do you guys have books? I go, we do have books.

Where did you walk in? You haven't told us where you are. Where did you walk in? Oh, the last bookstore, downtown LA. Okay, yeah. So I figured you might as well go to the last fucking one that's left. Yeah. So I walk in there. I'm like, give I figured you might as well go to the last fucking one that's left. Yeah. So I walk in there

and I'm like, give me some fucking books. Sound reasoning. You cannot go to the first one. Right. They have me books, right? It's no longer around. I think it's burned down.

Don't tread the hallowed ground of where books were established for sale. Exactly. No, no. Yeah. And then I just practiced writing the word science

like 22 fucking times. That's crazy. Like a science teacher no. Yeah, and then I just practiced writing the word science like 22 fucking times. That's crazy. Like a science teacher would. Yeah. I fucking got it. Crazy. What, do you got any movies coming up or what? Ben, have you... Have you been to the... I'll also, for the prize money, copy a Gateway Dog and a Douglas Booth

t-shirt and also a shirt that says Humboldt on it for some reason. Humboldt or Humboldt? Oh, no, no. It doesn't say. It says Humboldt Traders. Got it. Whatever that means.

Shout out to them. What were you saying, Doug? Have you been to the movies lately? You know what I just saw? I mean, this is not a new film. I'm going to go see The Raid 2 tomorrow. Is it good? Yeah.

By the way... What else have you got going on tomorrow? It's two and a half hours long somehow. Yeah, it's amazing. I cannot believe that. It's amazing. It's different than The Raid, in that it doesn't all take place in the one building on a bunch of floors. Oh, really?

And, yeah. I love that part. I know, I know, I know. But this has got amazing fighting in it, but it's got more story and more what some might call slow parts. Bullshit. So pace yourself. More fighting, less story. Yeah, yeah, that's what you would have done for sure.

But maybe you could make your version of it. Have you seen the trailer for Transformers? Yes. I have 11 lines. You know how many lines I've put in? Wait, you're bragging about that? Fuck yeah, dude.

The rest is just me chasing fucking robots and killing them. I don't think you kill a single robot in the trailer. No, it's me fighting the fucking robots.

If they go with the cut I suggested... That's a tough cut, man. That's a tough cut. You're supposed to be the good guy. Nope, I fucking pick up like a Chevy S10

and I hit Optimus Prime with it. I don't think that's what the original script was. We green screened it. It's going to look fucking great. That's a nice car. In this film you play a simple man who wishes to put his children through college through the sale of scrap metal.

I don't know what the dude fucking wishes. That's some deep shit, but I just... I fuck shit up and wear a tight t-shirt, motherfucker. Yeah. I don't know if I'd talk to Werner Herzog that way, but... I was just saying... If you've got any projects coming up, let's talk about it. I'm working on a film now, a treatment,

wherein all four elements band together to destroy humankind. It's called Captain Planet. Yes, only in this one, Captain Planet is not a humanoid creature. It is the Earth who has given itself the honorary rank of Captain. And it is...

I love films where the entire human race is wiped out. Except one dude. Those are the best. Except one fucking dude. We'll call it Lone Survivor 2. I like it. I like it.

Yeah. You were wonderful in the film Lone Survivor. It really changed my mind about war. Yeah? What's your perspective now, Vernon? Were you for it or against it? Now you love it I think it's terrible

I think before I was sort of iffy on the concept but after seeing Lone Survivor I think I get it war is not so great it's fucked up we use real bullets and that I've talked about it finally someone who gets it I have used real bullets

in all of my films, even those that did not require bullets. I hosted a game show once called Is This a Real Bullet or Not? And it always was. How many deaths?

What's that? How many deaths? We had a death rate of around 100%. Jesus Christ. Amongst our contestants. Well, the idea was that you were supposed to be shot with a gun And then you were supposed to buzz in and say Real bullet or not a real bullet

But as I say it always was real Dude if you revive this I'll go on it Really? I'll fucking kill that bullet I'd love to have you on that show Let's do it Alright fine What's it called point blank? Nope it's called...

Is this a real bullet or not? It was so long ago that I named it that. Bring it back. Let's do it. Let's absolutely do it. You understand you'll be shot in the chest. I understand I'll deflect a fucking bullet. Fine. Worth it. Chip, do you have time to...

You must see every movie. If you want to be honorary mayor of Hollywood, you must be a movie buff. Funny you should say that. I have been banned from every movie theater within 25 miles because... Even the porny graphic ones? Which ones?

The porny graphic ones. Especially the porny graphic ones. Okay. What I do when I go to a film is I think to myself, here are a bunch of potential people who could contact the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce on my behalf and let them know Chip Gardner for Honorary Mayor of Hollywood. That's what I'm trying, that's what I'm running for. You know that, Mark.

I'll back you up. Fine. So what I do is I go around and I shake hands and I give some remarks and give speeches and things like that. I hand out buttons. We turn it into a bit of a rally. And I'll do that straight through. The whole movie? Well, yeah, sure.

I've got a lot to say about Hollywood and my role in it and where it ought to go and what we ought to be doing. And certainly, I speak at great length about the glory of Satan. Ben, I can't get excited

about the new Spider-Man. I mean, I love that you're Spider-Man, but I just can't. Dude, you're fucking Spider-Man? Yes. I play Spider-Man. I play the Jewish. Especially that scene where he's got a bedhead.

Sally Field is your mom. Sally Field is my mom. In the trailer, you're covered in soot for some reason. Spider-Man went out and got into some shit. And then she's like, why are you covered in soot or whatever? And you go, I was cleaning the chimney. And she says, we don't have a chimney.

And then he says, what? Well, that wasn't all. That wasn't all. That's how he's going to get out of that with his mother? It's just a crazy, what? That wasn't all. The real line was, they go, why are you covering this? Oh, I was in the chimney. We don't have a chimney.

And then I go, we do now. A motherfucking Spider-Man. And then they said that ruins the entire franchise if you say it to your mom real quick or aunt. What ruins the franchise about Spider-Man being able to make a chimney? No.

It's not the act of making the chimney. I believe it is canon that he's terrible. Werner what? Werner, come on, what? He's a terrible bricklayer. Okay. Masonry is not one of Spider-Man's powers? No, that is not one of his powers, no.

It takes it to a different place. Fine. Did you say an answer to my question, what movie you've seen? He said he can't go to the movies because he's the worst. He's banned. You can watch him on Netflix. Are you banned from Netflix? I'm banned from it in the sense that I'm not familiar with it.

Oh, okay. Well, that would be a way to watch some films and pump up your race for mayor as someone who's actually interested in what the town is known for. You know, I don't think that the people in town who are making films want to be pandered to in that way. I think they'd like to have an honorary mayor of Hollywood who doesn't see their work

and appreciates them as people. Cool. Mark is going with it all the way. I mean, whatever. What have you seen lately, dude? You know what I just went and saw? I'm asking you, yes.

I'm going to tell you. Okay. I went and saw the fucking Grand Budapest Hotel. Why didn't they just call that movie Mustaches and Coats? Hey man, we're doing a lot of spoilers here today.

For one thing, because there was no characters in it named Mustaches or Coats. Yeah, but that's all that's fucking in it. Oh, I get it. It was Mustaches and Coats. It was pretty good. Who would play the role of Mustaches and who would play the role of coats if it were to become an action franchise starring Mark Wahlberg?

Oh, coats, for sure. Because I got you covered, B. Oh! Now we just have to think of an actor who's on your upper lip. Yeah, who plays... Who plays the other one? Who plays Mustache?

Adrian Brody. Cool. He'd be good as Mustache. Sure. Or Kathy Bates. Kathy Bates is good. You wouldn't pay to fucking see me and her running around crashing people? No, you wouldn't.

How many people would you crash? In the first act? Yes. How many people would you crash? In the first act? Yes How many people would you crash? I'd say we'd go to a party and hit like 15, 20 Even underagers, I don't care Yeah, that's like the PG-13 thing You just kind of kill anything now, I guess

Yep, as long as there's no blood I saw Noah today How's that? What did you see? Noah Have you ever seen in any movie there's no blood. I saw Noah today and How's that? What did you see? Noah. Oh. And have you ever seen in any movie

with any rating a gentleman threatening newborn twin girls at knife point? Never a gentleman. No, never a gentleman. And how does that

fit into the Noah from the Bible? Doug, do deleted scenes from your own films count? To scenes from your life? Because you have tackled that dramatic scenario in the past?

It's come up once or twice. I saw Noah as well, and I felt I was really enjoying it for a while, that there was one part of it I wish was different. Cool, moving on. Are we supposed to guess? You could ask me. Which part?

The part where he saves all the animals. That's the part you didn't like? I liked the part where a wrathful god was going to destroy all of creation. Oh, man. Except for one family, but when all those animals showed up, it turned me off. Well, listen, it's very important that people understand this about God. He will wipe away the entire planet.

He is cruel and horrible at best. And that is why we must put our faith in Satan. Sure. Sure. But Noah's kind of a dick in this movie. Like, I think in the Bible, he was a pretty cool guy that didn't say to his family... Oh, did he come across as a cool dude in the Bible?

Yeah, he built the ark and saved all the animals. It is pretty cool, yeah. Two by two, motherfucker. But in the movie, he says to his family, all right, so you're going to kill you and bury her, and then you're going to kill him. Is he like a suicide pact? All down the line, leaving it at

the young boy. To the young boy he says, and then you'll kill and bury them and then you will just live out your days and eventually turn to dust. So he's basically saying to a 12 year old, we're just going to leave you here alone

and you're just going to be alone with nobody else on the planet. That's what my second stepdad said to me. Second one. He was receiving these messages directly from God. Satan would have had a better plan. It was weird. It was pretty weird.

But to be fair, that kid did turn to dust. A shit ton of spoilers today, guys. No, the movie did take place a long time ago. I guess. All of the characters are dead now. I guess. Yeah.

They're all dust. I guess. Maybe. It can't be a spoiler. This is all a matter of record. Yes, it's true. It's based on true events. It's a weird-ass movie.

I really... Hold on to your butts. Jurassic Park. You nailed it. You nailed it. That was doing lines with Mark. Was that the log line for Jurassic Park? Hold on to your butts.

No, it's what Samuel L. Jackson says right before he says, What's in your wallet? Yep. I saw Muppets Most Wanted. Oh, how was that? I liked it. I liked the first one a lot. I liked it because there's a frog named Constantine who's pretending to be Kermit the Frog.

Does he have a mustache? And he's Russian. Well, he had a mole, but he covers up his mole with extra green felt. And he slaps a mole on Kermit with super glue so everybody thinks Kermit is Constantine and Constantine gets to pretend to be Kermit but then he says stuff like

it's the Muppet show I'm Kermit the Frog and it never stops being hilarious for the entire movie how shitty his impression is. And none of the other Muppets, except for Animal, knows that it's not really Kermit. And Animal's always yelling about it, but who listens to him anymore? I have a question.

Is Constantine's Kermit the Frog voice as sadly disappointing as Kermit the Frog's Kermit the Frog voice? No, it is a relief for Kermit the Frog's Kermit the Frog voice. Yes. No, it is a relief for Kermit the Frog's Kermit the Frog voice because I'm sad that it doesn't sound right. And so then to have the whole movie, him going, who cares? I have Constantine. You know, to have Kermit talking that way. Plus the way they muppetize him with the hand in the muppet,

his face looks a little different the way that he talks. What is the process of muppetizing? Are you saying that this is a real frog that was muppetized? You put your hand inside a sock puppet, you can decide what shape its head's going to be by changing the shape of your hand. That's muppetizing. Yeah.

It's nice that this character, Constantine, gives you a break from thinking about the death of Jim Henson. Oh. Burner. It does, it does. It is interesting that none of the other muppets seem Henson. Burner. It does, it does. It is interesting that none of the other puppets seem to move. Jim would be tickled by it. Fuck that dude.

You don't like Jim Henson, Mark? No, I do not like Jim Henson. What did Jim Henson do to you? Oh yeah, let's make something about poor people and call it Fraggle Rock. They weren't poor people, they were little tiny workers. They were all probably unionized. I'm hip to that shit. I read a book.

Is Showtime the Showtime series Shameless based on Fraggle Rock? Is it like a live action Fraggle Rock? It probably fucking is. It probably is. But that sad dude from what's that movie? Magnolia? William H. Macy.

Yeah, I'm going to bang it, dude, because I got braces. Nobody would fuck a chick with braces. Why would you bang another dude with braces? Magnolia. What's that? Magnolia? Are we playing that game again? Oh, no, I was just fucking talking about that fuck.

I am Kermit the Frog. Good dub job. Good thumbs up. I love it. I'm obsessed with it. I think that's so fun. Doug, I saw Die Hard at the Arclight Theater. They did a playing of it. Yeah, let's go back around.

Everybody give me another one. So I saw Die Hard at the movie theater. Uh-huh. Are we going to the theater? I don't fucking go to theater. What? No, it's like you can't pause it. Man, I'm trying to get on the same level with you, Mark.

That's my favorite thing about the show Entourage, is that you can pause it. You can pause it. Yeah, stop button. Why do they call it Closest to the Hole? And you don't have to start it again. Yeah. You don't have to.

It's up to you. It's your choice. That show actually films in Los Angeles. That's something you're fighting for. Oh, yes, but that's one that should go. They're going to make a movie, aren't they? No offense, my friend, no offense. Are they making a movie?

Right now they are. I saw them filming the other day. Oh, shit. It's going to be fun. It's going to be fucking great, I think is what you meant to say. Why do you call Closer to the Hole Productions? Why is that your thing? Or Leverage? One of those is yours. Why? Because in any form

of competitive nature, I'm winning. So why not make up like a production company that lets everyone know Closest to the Hole Production? Also counts for Leverage. You're covered either way.

Right, also, what about Hole in One? Wouldn't that be better than Closest to the Hole? If I'm in it, and you're not, I'm closest to the hole.

My biggest regret was asking that question. In my entire life, my biggest regret was asking that question. May I ask, Mark, will we ever see a fourth season of In Treatment? Most people were fucked up. Here was my deal.

I go, why don't we take these people that are sad about their fucking wife or their dad or whatever and have them fight it out? They're like, no, no, no, no, no. We'll just have them talk.

And you know what? That never works. What would be your dream in-treatment battle? Like between two people? Yes, like would you like to see Sunil from season three versus Sophie from season one?

I'd like to do it. No, I'd like to do it. It was my favorite show. We'll be back with more of losing the crowd after these messages. And we're back. Thanks for winning.

I won the fucking Leonard Mullen game. Good game, guys. Thank you, guys. Good game, Mark. That was so awesome. Mark, go ahead and give this to

whoever you were playing for. Just go give it to them. That was cool. You let Jordan play. Jordan, you fucking suck. Hand them the prizes. We've never done that before going to

commercial for the entirety of the Leonard Moulton game, but I thought it'd be a fun thing to do. It was an amazing Leonard Moulton game. It was a real nail-biter. I bit an actual nail. He went negative five, which is more than Sam Levine has ever done. Who? It's better than Sam Levine.

Alright, well, congratulations. You won the prize bag and you get to name the shithead tonight at the end of the show. Oh. Well. Werner, what do you think of that shithead? I'm going to say that. The last thing I'm going to say on the show tonight is this.

He's certainly justified in calling that fellow a shithead, but I dread the dramatic reading of it from Doug Benson. That's me, of course. Yes. But that's in case anyone should like to quote me. They won't have to put in brackets

Doug Benson. I want to say this. I want to say this, Josh. Josh. After we read this later, I hope this dude falls face first into a curb. You're all going to love it when you hear it later. Well,

I would like to hear this person's point of view. You're saying it should be that everyone has, there's two sides to every story. Yes, that's right. Perhaps we should hear this other fellow out. Clearly we should. Nope.

Okay. Nope. Anytime someone else has something they want to say, you just fucking hit them first. Hey, where are you going? I was actually, boom, fucking jackal. You'll win. The element of surprise.

Yep. It's key. Yeah, it's key. Yeah. We were talking about in-treatment. Let's get back to it. Let's get back to it, baby. In-treatment is a program that each episode

is one shrink talking to one patient. Based on an Israeli program. It's just fucking sad, people. Why don't we talk about Wahlburgers or Boardwalk Empire, all the other great fucking projects I'm a part of. Name two more.

Whoops. We got the water thing. We covered that, Transformers 4. Pain and Gain 2 is going to be coming out next year. No, it's not. Yes, it is. More Pain and Gain. You really to be coming out next year? Jesus Christ. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Is it really? More Pain and Gain.

So you really hit it off with Michael Bay. I think a lot of actors don't like his kind of yelly style, but I guess maybe he doesn't yell at you. Oh, no. He don't fucking say shit to me. Whoa. I love it because he's like, here's the deal. We're going to fucking shoot this dude in the face and then blow this up. Are you in?

I'm like, dude, we already started rolling? Has he ever accidentally called you Shia? What's that? Are you in? I'm like, did we already start rolling? Has he ever accidentally called you Shia? What's that? Oh no, I'm out there. I'll talk to anybody. No, it's a different actor. I'm sorry, I meant has he ever called you Wallflower instead of

Wahlberg? Oh no. I like that band though. Wallflowers? Jacob Dhmm. Jacob Dillon? One headlight. Oh, so fucking good. We can make it home. They used to play at the Kibbitz Room next to Cantor's Deli.

Oh, wow. Little Wallflowers. What are your haunts? Werner, where do you go? Like, if I wanted to hang out, I said, hey, man, you want to get some food today? What would you say? Do you know the Arby's on Sunset at Bronson? Sure. It's a good talking Arby's.

That's a real Hollywood Arby's. Right near the new Emerson College. Oh, cool. Yes, beautiful. I am addicted to the horsey sauce. Horsey sauce. Werner Herzog is addicted to the horsey sauce. I like to imagine it is a liquefied horse. And I squirt the packet directly

into my mouth and I say victory over all horses. Okay. So Arby's was the answer. That Arby's is the new Schwab's. I like animals, but I don't like to squirt the whole packet into my mouth part was the most disturbing part to me. Why?

Just seems like that wouldn't taste that great. Like, you don't like to put it on something? Have you tried? Okay, I'll try it. It's all by itself. I'll try it. I am kind of a minty frog.

You're right. Do you have anything to plug? That it never stops being funny. How was that play? The play? That I did? No, Die Hard. Oh, by the way, I love... Were we not talking

about you for a second, Ben? No. Did we need to go back? No. Because he said, do you have anything coming up? I did. There was two separate questions. I was waiting politely. When does this come out, do you think? Soon? Yeah. Sunday is the finale of House of Lies, the last episode of House of Lies. Oh, yeah.

How about some spoilers there's actually an enormous the way that it ends is enormous to the point of I have no idea what happens next season

it's a very big thing you killed Don Cheadle I killed Don Cheadle yeah I take him out and then Die Hard played amazing by the way the movie is almost

a perfect movie oh it is a fucking perfect movie it is almost a perfect film I'm curious to is a fucking perfect movie. It is almost a perfect film. I'm curious to hear about this play. This play that I'm doing? Yes. It's a play where

I play Mark Wahlberg. Fuck yeah, dude. Say it again. Punching your way to the top. It's called Punching My Way to the Top. And it's basically just, it's like I look like

Super Mario and I just keep hitting things above me and I keep punching them. Movies and money keeps coming out of the top. And it's basically just, it's like I look like Super Mario and I just keep hitting things above me and I keep punching them. Like movies and money keeps coming out of the box. Your brother keeps dragging you down? I mean, I guess. It's good. It's something we're working on. Closest to the

whole productions. Chip, what do people need to do to get you elected Honorary Mayor of Hollywood? Well, great question. Folks, you need to contact the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce

and you need to tell them, forget about all these other whores and liars and jackasses that you're considering for the job of Honorary Mayor of Hollywood. Chip Gardner is my man. Wow. He understands Hollywood

and he understands Satan. Whoa. And he's the only one who could be Hollywood's ambassador to the world and Satan's ambassador to the world at the same time. How would you change things in Hollywood with your honorary mayoral status?

Yeah, what's your platform? Or what's your honorary platform? I've got a lot of ideas, guys. But one thing I think is very disrespectful, that we can walk upon our greatest stars there in the sidewalk of the Walk of Fame. I think it's a real shame that we're walking and spitting and traipsing upon. But it's called the

Walk of Fame. Yes, that's right. I think it's a bad idea. I think we should chisel up every one of those stars and put them up, you know, about six feet high, so that we are appropriately walking underneath them. We're beneath them, and then form a tunnel. It's just a system of tunnels throughout Hollywood. This is millions and millions of dollars.

It's not going to be cheap, my friend. It's not going to be cheap. Okay. It's fucking genius, though. Thank you. It's got to be done, because it's disrespectful to walk around on the likes of... Mark Wahlberg, I'm sure, has a star.

Yeah, yeah. You must have. And like fucking Burl Ives and shit. Sure. Yeah. Burl Ives. Nobody should be able to spit on Burl Ives. Wink Martindale.

Yep. Do the new kids have a star? I bet. I don't know. You'd have to call them on a pay phone and find out. Jesus. Jesus, Mark. No, you're right. I'm sure they're probably on a cruise somewhere with a whole bunch of. Jesus. Jesus, Mark.

No, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure they're probably on a cruise somewhere with a whole bunch of fat chicks. Jesus, Mark. Christ. Werner, if you were... You could only reach him

on a burner. Yeah, right. A burner phone? Yeah, yeah. If you were Mayor Werner, what would be your first thing you'd do to Los Angeles?

Remove all palm trees and create a gigantic fire that could be seen from space with all the palm fronds and to let any intelligent life out in the universe know that we're taking care of destroying our own planet.

We do not need any assistance. Thank you very much. Got it. I think it would make us a safer place. That's great. You know, I'm also stitching together. I kind of choked up on that one. I was moving.

You were into that shit. I have a plan that I think works nicely with that one. I'm just collecting homeless folks. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. And I'm bringing them up To my home In the Hollywood Hills

And I'm stitching them together Stitching them together Into one giant person Into who Who will be embodied With the You know With the

Demonic spirit Possibly Satan himself And then Through that body Satan will Rain chaos Upon Hollywood You have my vote Thank you And I And then through that body, Satan will bring chaos upon Hollywood. You have my vote.

Thank you. And I think that, plus a giant palm tree fire, would be a great way to ring in the new year. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Mark, what do you got going on? Fucking restaurant. You guys should go out there

and get the turkey burger keep it big into turkey burgers keep it slim I get it you know your stuff's so big Transformers doesn't need

any extra promotion no but here's the deal I appreciate you coming on if you didn't hear I said this last week Transformers 4 is going to elevate cinema as we know it

and is going to make it the greatest franchise in the history of film wow so it's already been a big hit oh my god and this new one

just looks like it's more of the same but with you instead of Shia LaBeouf yeah we got dinosaurs in this one there's a dinosaur robot yeah

oh it's gonna be so fucking good I play a dad that would definitely fuck his daughter's friends right his daughter's friends. Right. His daughter looks she's a

Very attractive. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. They run in flocks. So... Alright. Look for that you guys. That's coming out

in the fall awards season. What's that? T.J. Miller's on it too so you guys will get your fucking jokes. T.J. Miller is on it. Oh we'll get our fucking jokes.

Andy Daly was in a Transformers movie. Is that right? I think so. That must have been the best one. I'm almost certain Andy Daly was in one of them. Chip is such a fan of Andrew Daly. Are you familiar with the works of...

He brought his CD. Andrew Daly. His sweater CD. Yeah. Yep. Transformers 3. Was that what it was? I think he was in Transformers 3.

Yeah? Did he like it? I think he enjoyed the experience overall, yeah. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Any cool stories from the set? Yeah, I think he found that... What do you think he found?

That Michael Bay was tough and demanding, but it was all in the service of moving fast and improvising the scenes, and all in all, a perfectly delightful person to work with. Cool. Unless you're a costumer who has the wrong color tie on somebody or somebody who

didn't move a tree when he asked him to. Then it is not a great work environment at all. He's a real actor's director and a real below the line misanthrope. It seems that way however it might all be a

joke. It might seriously all be a joke. Really? Yes. Wow. It seems that way. However, it might all be a joke. It might seriously all be a joke. Really? Yes. Wow. It seems that way. Mark, what would you say is currently the greatest cinema franchise? Maybe other than Transformers?

Yes. If Transformers is the franchise to become the greatest, then what is the reigning greatest? Let's all ask a different way. Chip, you missed it. What is an overtigning greatest? Let's all ask a different way. I just want to ask it quicker. Is that all I want? I was just about there, Chuck. So the better one, the one that's better. Yeah, which one?

Answer it, yeah. Fucking Sister Act. Sister Act? Greatest franchise of all time? Oh my god, fuck, it's not even close. That was a surprise. Oh yeah. With barely two movies, they're the best.

I must admit that I asked that question because I was hoping to hear the Bad Lieutenant franchise mentioned. But I suppose we're only up to two. Yeah. No, you get some more and we're good. Bad Lieutenant in space? How does that sound?

Now you're talking those poor nuns nuns really are dupes oh god Medea meets Bad Lieutenant fantastic that'd be fun sure

what else you got to plug Werner? um let's see I'm uh I'm directing an arc on Mixology what does that mean? you're just directing the arc on Mixology. What does that mean? You're just directing the arc, not the episodes?

I'm directing three episodes. Okay. Three episode arc. Where it will finally be revealed that the fellow with the vibrant red hair and beard is in the witness protection program. Your choice? That was your choice? Your script?

Help with the scripting? I said, please, let's all sit down and look at this fellow. Doesn't it look like he is in disguise? Now, in treatment, I've heard of. What is mixology? It follows, it has modern family as a lead in...

Oh, I see. That's what the show's about? Yes, it's about... It's about a show that has modern family as a lead in. It's about what happens in life after modern family is over. They're both on right before Nick's Burgatory. Nick's Burgatory. Nick's Burgatory, yeah.

What about Wahlburgatory? I would like to see that show. Pigsburgatory. Pigsburgatory. Pigsburgatory, yeah. Yeah. What about Walburgatory? I would like to see that show. If we were to do a show where you move with your teenage daughter to the suburbs and you punch everyone you see. Oh, fuck yeah. And you karate kick a picket fence. Is there somebody that could beat you? Like, is there one person that could beat you?

Yeah, I see them every day. No, not you. You can't look in the mirror. I know what you're about to say. Don't put your hand up. Don't start up with your mirror. It will cut you. Oculus.

Thank you, Ben Schwartz, Chip Gardner, Mark Wahlberg, and Werner Herzog. Apologies, too. Put your hands together. We just went slightly over. That's my April Fool's joke is a show that ends almost on time.

And as... And we'll be back next week with a movie star is going to be here next week, scheduled for many. And as always... He's right fucking here now.

As... This was fun. As always, the guy who called me a fucking faggot today is a shithead. Agreed, motherfucker. Again, we should hear his point of view.

Nope, that dude should fall on a curb. Oh, God. And then get ran over by a clown car. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talk. He hides a golden view and prowess makes it foggy There's no room in his heart for you Cause Doug loves movies