Doug Loves Movies - Bert Kreischer, Lauren Lapkus, and Clare Kramer Guest

Episode Date: November 5, 2013

Doug welcomes Bert Kreischer, Lauren Lapkus, and returning game winner Clare Kramer to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, eating baby sticky seeds with 50 azod hopper kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see cause Doug loves movies! Hey everybody! My name is Doug and I love meth. Yeah, I knew I'd trick you.

I wonder if you guys would sing that. This is Doug Loves Meth. It's Tuesday, November 5th, 2013, and we're coming to you from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in Los Angeles, land of the best vehicular mishaps. I almost said mashups. So as you know, if you read my tweets or listen to Doug Love's minis, I got into a car accident yesterday. Another car came at me on La Cienega, just head on, out of nowhere, just straight at me. And all I've got to say is, thanks, airbags! You really saved me, and

would have saved the person in the passenger seat if there was someone sitting there. Because that airbag deployed too. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The incident put things in perspective for me. I realized that my life was headed

in a direction that I didn't like and that I, quite frankly, have not been seeing enough movies. I've been spending so much time talking about them on podcasts that I'm just not seeing enough movies. On my to-see list, to give you examples, Pacific Rim, The Heat, ACOD, 12 Years a Slave,

Carrie, Francis Ha, Captain Phillips, Rush, Enough Said. Enough said is what I'm saying How many more do I need to have? Like that's an amazing list of movies that might be good and so here's what I'm going to do Starting tomorrow, I pledge to all of you

before God whatever God is that I'm going to watch at least one full length feature film a day for as long as I can. I'm going to try to do it for the rest of my life. Might be like three weeks. Might be a couple of days.

But you've got plenty of opportunity to squeeze in a movie if you really put your mind to it. I claim to love weed, and I do that every day. I love food, and I do that every day. This podcast needs to be in line with those, so I need to see a movie a day and then tell you guys

what I think of it. I'm going to call it Doug's Movie a Day. I'll tell you about it on Twitter, or on the podcast, or on Doug Loves Minis. Austin, Texas, I'll see you about it on Twitter or on the podcast or on Douglas Minis Austin, Texas, I'll see you this weekend at Fun Fun Fun Fest and Houston, Texas, I'll see you at Warehouse Live Friday, November 15th and at the Alamo Draft House for the Benson movie interruption on November 16th

of Love Actually Was anyone here at the Cine Family interruption of Love Actually last December-ish? Did anybody go to that? Of course you two guys are there Yeah, it was That was a really fun movie, Interrupt I generally don't like to interrupt a movie more than once

But since it's been a year I figure, you know I'll have some really good Sheriff Rick jokes That I didn't have One year ago. The prize bag has got a lot of great stuff in it that let's just discuss with the

guests when they get out here. Please give a big, warm welcome to returning game winner Claire Kramer and Lauren Lapkus and Bert Kreischer! Lauren Lapkus. That's right. Come on out. Sit wherever you like.

I'm a little disconcerted that I invited a couple nice ladies to the show and I get to sit next to Bert. It is unfortunate. Nice job, man. Claire Kramer is back, you guys. Pregnant. Thanks. Eight and a half months pregnant. Champion.

I'm breaking my record from last week of being the most pregnant ever guest. Yeah, you keep making it harder and harder for people to reach. And, you know, no offense to anybody else on the panel, but I hope you keep winning until... Until birth. I kind of want it to happen on the show. I mean, listen, could I just walk into the door jam?

I mean, things are amiss, so... If you go into labor, I've been there for two of them. I got it. Okay, nice. Totally got it. Heads up, they shit. That's the part I'm most afraid of. It didn't happen to me, but.

You didn't? Oh, my wife fucking grew a tail. That's what I do. I was in over my head. My wife's taking a dump in the center of her room and no one's mentioning it they're like what's her blood pressure i'm like elevated i think but did she have an epidural uh yeah and they botched it okay see that's the thing i think see i had natural like oh you did natural and you did what are you a fucking frontier woman

i what i'm from ohio i told you are you, a fucking frontier woman? I'm from Ohio, I told you. Are you fucking in a bathtub? They're clapping. You're clapping. No, you don't even know what the fuck that is. First of all, you're looking at the wrong people. And secondly, she played a god on television. That's right, baby. Buffy, I dated a chick who was really obsessed with Buffy.

And I watched it all the time. I was in the room. You can admit it. I watched it all the time. I was in the room. You can admit it. You watched me all the time. The only person I really was into, and I don't know if this is gay, but David Boreanaz. Well, he did get a spinoff.

You weren't the only one. Oh, I know. And he's from Philly and I saw him eat at Yamashiro one time and I was obsessed. I could not stop looking at him and I was like, he's so much hotter than his wife.

I went to a strip club with that guy once in Canada. David Boreata? The Brass Rail? Probably, yeah. The most famous Canadian strip club. All right, let's get Lauren into this because you guys... Hey, how are you?

I was just trying to describe you to Bert earlier and I said of course Orange is the New Black which is another show he pretends to like love it just saw the pilot but I do fucking love it I really do it's a fucking amazing show were you in the pilot? no

I thought you'd be great in it oh thank you I really do. It's a fucking amazing show. Were you in the pilot? No. See, there you go. I thought you'd be great in it. Oh, thank you. Had you been in it, it would have been so much better. Well, then you should keep watching because it's not to go up in much. Because then I'm there and then I do. Are you sort of in and out? Yeah, I'm recurring, yeah. I play a corrections officer.

Typical. Typecasting. Typecasting. Typecasting, obviously. Did you think you were going to get that when you went in an audition? Not at all. You don't look correctional. No. Hey, Bert, you know that I have questions, right?

Sorry, sorry, go ahead. Sorry, Doug. But seriously, you don't look correctional. Yeah, I know. That was very shocking. I didn't think. But I played a very naive corrections officer who gets kind of pushed around.

So it's not that crazy in the end. Right. No. You're making that face right now. Don't hurt me. Pushed around. What are you going to do, face? And you're also in a movie that's coming out in December,

though, with Owen Wilson. Yeah. You Are Here. What? That's the name of that movie. Yeah. That's a hard one to have conversations about. Have you seen You Are Here? No, You Are Here.

Where? We are. What? That text was fucked up, man. What's wrong with your text? What's it about? It's about Zach Galifianakis' dad dies and he and Owen are old friends and Owen goes back to help him deal with the estate.

What do you do? I'm a meteorologist. I see that. Yeah, totally. Tell us about your films that you've done, Bert. I loved how you looked over at Claire when I started that sentence. I know.

You're like, tell about your films. I was like, guys, you want to handle this one? Why aren't you in movies? I'm not good. What were you doing when they cast Big Ass Spider? Yeah. Wait, I saw that on someone. What?

Next one? You saw Big Ass Spider? Big Ass Spider on someone's IMDB today. It could have been mine. Is that yours? What's Big Ass Spider? Big Ass Spider. It's a big ass spider? Big ass spider on someone's IMDB today. It could have been mine. Is that yours? What's big ass spider? Big ass spider. It's a big ass spider.

I'm going to give you a heads up because we're neighbors. There is a, and this isn't funny. There is. Should we just put in a recording of you saying that right at the top of the show? To cover every digression. We have a horrible Black Widow epidemic. No, that's the worst. They're so bad in the Valley. They're fucking everywhere.

And I literally have two lives. One before Black Widow Spiders and one after. They're fucking everywhere and you have young kids. I'm telling you, get a fucking... I'm just sorry, guys. Yeah. Black Widow Spiders are everywhere in the Valley. And what do they do to you? They kill you.

You know when my wife got bit one by one, though, and it just got, like, a stomachache? Ew, that's a weird reaction. Her or the spider? I think it's an urban legend, though. I mean, not the biting and the... Isn't it the brown ones that kill you? Epidemic. Brown recluse. Yeah, the brown recluse

is like the most... Is it recluse or recluse? Well, tomato, tomato. Do you think it's based off of them not wanting to hang out with other spiders? It could be. I got some emergency drinking water

in the prize bag. Oh my God, that's a good thing. If anybody gets parched... I'm spitting my ass off. Yeah, that's a good thing. If anybody gets parched. Yeah, that's from when I was on Talking Dead. Is it just water? Yeah, it's just like zombie apocalypse water.

Oh, just in case. Yeah, just one pouch. Don't get excited. I saw your episode of Talking Dead. It was so much fun to do. I was really proud of myself because the next week Marilyn Manson was on and I think we were probably equally fucked up and I clearly

handled it better. I actually, you did episode two of the season. Yeah, yeah. I was right out of the gate. I was so excited. I couldn't believe it. iTunes gift card is in here to buy iTunes stuff. And also from the Talking Dead, they gave me this, whatchamacallit, zombie survival Swiss Army knife.

It's a fork and a spoon and a knife. Dude. Can I see it? Yeah, well, I don't know, Bert. Two sides. Just want to check the integrity of it. That's pretty. Now you really have completed the Scoutmaster look that you're going for.

Guys, for those of you listening, I'm in khaki shorts. And a khaki button-down with a red hat. What are you wearing? The same thing. It's so hot. What are you wearing? The same thing. It's so hot. What are you wearing? I'm naked. It's the cast of Moonrise Kingdom.

Only they heard me. She's the meteorologist. Yeah. I'm a meteorologist. She's doing green screen work. Can't wear any. Well, Lauren brought this scary baby. What is this scary baby about?

It lives in my car. I would have brought some cool swag But I didn't know So I brought this baby doll Which I've used in many sketches So it's been touched by me And cradled And that's it And it's dying now

And it's gone It's being suffocated Don't do this with real babies, you guys No plastic bags for real babies And Bert brought a couple of t-shirts that are very swanky. They're like club shirts. These are like something the situation

would wear. It's called the non-profit murdered out machine shirt. The machine shirt and it's an $18 shirt. I wrote a $10,000 check for 500 fucking shirts and my wife lost her fucking mind. Was like, how many fucking sending shirts?

I work at goddamn Build-A-Bear. Are you out of your fucking mind? So I'm not making any money off of them, so it's a limited edition. So you're very lucky if you get them. Does she work at Build-A-Bear? No. I was so excited about that detail.

Why is she yelling at you about having to work at Build-A-Bear if she doesn't work at Build-A-Bear? Not a high profit margin. Where does she work? What did she say when this conversation actually happened? I don't know. I'm a little drunk. Let's go to the next question.

I'm having a hard time figuring out what I'm talking about. But I'm trying to answer your question, and I'm still going, hey, where the fuck am I talking about? I don't think he asked you anything. No. Claire brought a... Fuck. A t-shirt that says what on it, Claire?

It's Geek Nation t-shirt. Oh, yeah, okay. That's your thing, Geek Nation? That's my website, baby. Really? Check it out, yep. And you also brought season seven of the X-Files a classic

yeah was there a Buffy X-Files crossover I wasn't aware of? probably one I'm not aware of myself but a true fan could tell you a true fan could answer that and they will on Twitter I'm sure after they listen to this episode

these guys over here are like no I checked 7 databases no I'm sure that after they listened to this episode. These guys over here already know. I checked seven databases. No. I'm sure that there was an actor who crossed over. Not as the same character, though, right? Yeah. Yes. Seven seasons in seven seasons, it seems like.

Yeah, you've got to figure Peter Boyle has been on both. Somebody had a job on both. Yeah. Peter Boyle in Young Frankenstein. Oh, the best. We're all here the best is the fucking funniest thing I've ever seen

please don't sing songs that I can't pay for have you guys been to the movies lately yes what have you seen

Lauren I saw Gravity. Oh, is it good? It was good. I liked it. Bert is jealous of you and your Gravity, having seen Gravity. I saw it in 3D. Really?

Of course. IMAX 3D. Not IMAX. It was all sold out. So I just saw it regular 3D. Okay. Yeah, and I saw some movies on Netflix, if that counts. Sure.

I watched The Awakening, and I watched the Salinger documentary, and the Jeffrey Dahmer documentary. Date night. I'm going to go back to the first one. The Awakening? Yeah, it's a horror movie. No, it's a horror movie. Not the Robin Williams. Oh, I don't know what that is. Oh, I do.

It's a British, like early 1900s British thing where the woman's a ghost hunter and then she like is in this prep school and there's a ghost and shit. Feels like I've seen that. It was good and it wasn't too scary so I liked it. Oh, that's how you like your horror? Not too scary?

Yeah, with a romance twist at the end. Oh, so there's probably two or three of those. Yeah, that was one of them. You should do captions for the laughter impaired. Repeat whatever they said laughing. I would be such a good sidekick to a host of a show. I'd be a little disruptive, actually.

Wait, who falls in love? Do you want to kind of spoil it? Don't give away the ending of The Awakening. Does it matter? No one cares, right? No, people are fired up to see The Awakening now. It was in the Halloween movie section. It's the perfect season for it. The monthly Halloween. It was like, here's what to watch It's the perfect season for it. The monthly Halloween. It was like, here's what to watch on Halloween.

So I watched it. It's not really romance. It's more of a family ending. This movie is so fucking awesome. Can I spoil it? No one cares. No, please spoil it. I want to watch it.

It's the woman who's going to ghost hunt at this school. It turns out it used to be a house, and the kid who died died when it was a house, and that was her half-brother. And then he's like, that's why he wanted her to come back there. And then she dies, everyone dies, they all live there as ghosts forever. Everyone's dead!

But they get to live together as ghosts. They don't fall in love. They fall in love! It's not love! There's a twist. They don't fall in love. They fall in love. It's not love. There's a twist. They don't fall in love, but he seduces her to be a ghost. There's an incestual twist. Yeah, they fuck.

As ghosts? Yeah. Once she crosses over. Right. Are they Jewish? Do they have to put holes in themselves? No. They use the eye holes.

They use their eye, the ghost holes. That'd be a very interesting twist. Jewish people making love with a hole in the sheet? I had the weirdest fucking dream. I have a dream. Hold on. Could you just say sidebar? Sidebar.

The reason you say ghost is because I was at Halloween, and I was like, oh, how many people look like Klan members? Now, I had a dream that I was standing. I'm going to show you guys so you know. I was standing like this, like this, on a stage. Let me describe it. Do it. Pretty normal.

Pretty normal burnt stance. And I look over, and I see five. Pretty normal burnt stance. And I look over and I see five... Pretty normal burnt stance. I see five dudes in Klan outfits standing... Oh, it got silent. I see five dudes in Klan outfits standing next to me in kind of order. And they're all standing like that too. And I'm like, what the fuck are they doing?

And then I look and on the side of the stage I see like a mirror. And I see I'm not in a Klan outfit, but I'm wearing all white with a dunce cap. I'm like, what the fuck are they doing? And then I look and on the side of the stage I see like a mirror and I see, I'm not in a Klan outfit but I'm wearing all white with a dunce cap. I'm like, close enough. So, and all I can think,

I swear to God, all I can think, in my dream I'm thinking, Travel Channel's gonna see this and they're gonna get so fucking pissed. Like I'm gonna get fired from my,

because you can't get even close to Klanny and so, and then I look and there's a curtain in front of us. You probably shouldn't even give it a cute name.

Yeah. It gets worse, Doug. This is a podcast, remember? Yep, yep. I gotcha. Okay, drunkie. So I look and there's a curtain in front of us. I'm like, I gotta get the fuck out of here.

All of a sudden, the curtain starts opening and I hear, I swear to God, in this dream, I woke up, it was so great. I hear this voice go, ladies and gentlemen, please introduce the, please put your hands together for the Click Clack Clans. And we start tap dancing. What? I swear on my children's lives, but I'm so good at tap dancing

because it's a dream. I can't get myself off stage. I'm like, I don't care if I'm in a clan outfit. I'm fucking murdering it right now. And I'm doing all the fucking moves. I swear to God, I woke up and wrote it down. I was like, that's the best dream I've ever had. I'm sweating profusely. Oh my God.

So you must be relieved that you don't have to mess with your dream journal anymore. Because you're not going to top that. Don't even get me started about dreams. Let's do a me and you. No, let's do this. Let's make a pact now that you told me your best one. Don't even say shit. I don't need to hear it anymore.

Okay. Ever again. You'll be like, this one tops it. He's good. No, that one was pretty amazing. Let's not risk it. I'll tell you what I'll do. If you ever see me calling you on your phone. Send it to voicemail.

It's a dream. I swear to you all my children, I will call you when I wake up from a dream and I will tell you every single one of my dreams. And I'll just delete it. It's a new podcast called Dreamcast. Well, you know, I'm about to launch, I don't want to say too much about it,

but I'm about to launch Doug Loves Sleeping. I'm about to launch, I don't want to say too much about it, but I'm about to launch Doug Loves Sleeping. And I think it would be, that might be fun to like, in the middle of my sleeping, to get updates about what you've been dreaming about. Because you dream and they sort of wake you up. They wake me up. And then you write them in a book. I write them, or I'll just start going, I'll just start saying the thing that will remind me of it

like three times. Like Pitcher's Mound, horror movie, Blues Brothers. I mean, I think it's kind of genius what you're pitching here. I love it. Well, it's Doug's podcast. I'm calling it Dreamcast. It's me and you and I just leave you voicemails

of my dreams. And it's just a series of voicemails. And I fucking dream extensively. Like you go, oh, I dream. Oh, I fucking dream. You create scenarios and put yourself in them. I had a dream. Elvis and I were watching Five Dudes

buttfuck and it's my fucking dream. See, I'm already you've already lost me at another dream story. Nope. Save it for the voicemail. you've already lost me at another dream story. Nope. You know what? Save it for the voicemail.

Please do call me, but I... If you see me calling, that's why I'm calling. It's a dream. And they'll be early. You're not going to be waking up. All right. You've eaten into your what movies have you seen lately time.

I haven't seen anything. I haven't seen anything. That's perfect. Claire, you haven't seen anything. Well, perfect. Claire, you haven't seen anything. Well, that's not true. But I was a VOD girl this week also, so I did watch The Conjuring in honor of the

Halloween holidays. You scared of dolls? No, I haven't even seen it. I won't see it. It was good. It was really good. Really? Was it really scary? It was, you know, I like horror movies that also have a romance but uh that uh have you know are based on a true story and it really is based on a true story it's based on these two you know ghost go

exorcism people ghost hunters or they're not really ghost hunters they're more like people call them in to solve problems and you know and a family that this really happened to. So I really enjoyed it. The actors are all really good. It's good acting. I just, I don't go in for it because I'm not afraid of no ghosts. And then I also watched Pacific Rim, again, because that is an amazing movie. See, that's on my list.

I haven't even seen it yet. Is that kind of like the movie Real Steel? No, but I loved Real Steel. It's also one of my favorite movies. But Pacific Rim is like, you have to take the robots to a totally different level. Keep in mind,

when Clara speaks of these movies, that if there are robots in it, she loves it. I love it. No matter what. As long as it's got robots. I like robots. She loved iRobot. She loved iRobot.

I loved iRobot. She loved WALL-E. WALL-E. I love WALL-E. These are all true. Transformers? Is that a robot? I don't think so.

Sorry, Michael Bay. Most robots aren't two things, I don't think. Yeah. Oh, like, no, they can be a maid. Well. Most robots aren't two things, I don't think. No, they can be a maid. Jetson's movie. Classic robot flick. You have to watch Pacific Rim and then we can discuss. I will. I absolutely will.

It's amazing. The first 30 minutes are some of the best epic filmmaking. I really enjoyed it. I'm excited. I love hearing about a good movie. Have you seen We Are the Millers? No, not yet. I've seen it three times. I have not seen the end. Don't you hate that?

So you have not seen it three times. Keep renting the movie because you keep falling asleep. Is it on DVD? I get to the part where they all make out with a boy and then I fucking pass out. Let the game begin! Did you guys bring some name tags? You got some fancy ones out there?

Oh, fun. My Vine still isn't working, so people at Vine Company, I don't know why it crashes all the time, but I can't Vine until you fix it. I'm going to punch Coach K. Just go pick who you want to play for. Please bring yours to the pregnant lady. Go grab it for me. Oh, I want Beavis and Butthead.

Please bring yours to the pregnant lady. Can you? Yeah. And we'll be right back. Thank you. And we're back. Lauren, who are you playing for over there? What is that thing?

Beavis and Butthead do Amarica? Amarica? Amarica. Amarica is her name. All right. Pretty. It's 3D. I love it. Oh, it's you.

Claire, she's over here getting something. I went for the master package. This is James S. Siegel. Masters of Cinema, Stanley Kubrick. And what's his name tag? He's with the Post Office? Yes, United States Postal Service. Wow.

Is that you? Yeah, he shaved his head for it. Okay. And I'm playing for Punch Drunk Jake. Fitting. Does he have that kind of beard? He does. That he drew on to Adam Sandler?

And that's what you just got well yeah yeah cause I was like I was like punch drunk Jake I don't get it and then I realized oh it's you I get it

very complicated favored tonight but even without the beard he could have just changed drunk I mean love to Jake

just for the fun of it punch drunk yep I'm fucking hammered love to Jake just for the fun of it. Punch drop. Yep. I'm fucking hammered. You're the best. I totally count on you to do exactly what you're doing right now. I appreciate it. We're going to let, you know,

I usually let pregnant women go first. It's just sort of a thing I have. That's a nice thing. That's only happened a few times now. But then we'll go to Lauren and then to the cowardly lion. Oh, I'm so scared. Oh, Dora. Am I doing it right?

I'm so scared. Your name's Bert. You got the job. It's more like the whiz coward Bert. You got the job. It's more like The Wiz, cowardly. It's not really the historic version. It drives me crazy when I'm watching The Wiz that

Michael Jackson has a peanut butter cup on his nose. Yeah, it's so bad. It's so distracting. It's just right there on his nose. His whole outfit is the worst. I think he was like 16 when he did that. He was really young. It's a distracting when it's just right there on his nose. His whole outfit is the worst. Yeah, I think he was like 16 when he did that. He was really young. It's a bad movie.

Yeah. But it's a beautiful bad movie. I wrote a review of it for my school paper in high school. You did? For no reason. And you completely trashed it? Yeah, I don't know what I wrote. I should find it.

Just FYI. Just so you guys need to know, this random movie no one gives a shit about, I'm going to write about that. I should find it. Just FYI. Yeah. Just so you guys need to know, this is a random movie no one gives a shit about. I'm going to write about that. But I think everyone going through like singing school or whatever, singing at home.

Oh, yeah. Ballad. Yeah, it's a beautiful song. Anyway, yes. I thought it was good. I wish they did that with every movie. Did what?

Just made it black. Just like every Ben Affleck movie just fucking make it black Samuel L. Jackson same script but Samuel L. Jackson I thought you'd say musical I really thought you'd say make it musical they should do that they've done it the other way

um okay explain they've made movies that had a black foot wait maybe I might be wrong wait didn't they do to kill a mockingbird they did it they whited it up right I'm not gonna have your back on that one hold on I'm not being racist

you mean a time to kill. That's it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. Wait. They did it the other way, right? God damn it. Do you know what To Kill a Mockingbird is? Harper Lee. Yeah. I mean, so do you know how crazy your statement

was about that? No, I don't. I'm like, uh, I missed that one. No, wait. I don't know what I'm like, I missed that one. No, wait, I don't know what I'm talking about, so tell me. They made, it's about, oh shit, it's the same fucking story, it's the same fucking story. It's just that he's more

white than James, whatever the guy is. What's happening? Oh. You know what I'm talking about. Yes. Both films do deal with race in the South.

Yes. That's where the differences end, pretty much. Really? I think so. All right, let's go back to the game. I'll answer. Go ahead. It is without exception the person that tells me

reminds me to keep the game going is the person that stopped the game. It's an amazing trait that some of you guys have. Alright, I'm ready. Jeff Garlin. A special few. Yeah, they know how to keep a show going. Claire gets to pick a category.

All right. At Chris F. Gambino suggested anti-gravity. And that's Sandra Bullock or George Clooney movies that Leonard Maltin gave two stars or less. Because he's anti-gravity. Or at SpearNZ suggested Machete Chills and that's movies where Danny Trejo doesn't kill anyone he of course has to be in it

because he's not in and doesn't kill a lot of people in a lot of movies but these are ones he's in but doesn't kill anyone and at Runaway Van suggested Radio Flyer. And that's movies where Cuba Gooding Jr. flies. I have to

go with Anti-Gravity. I'm so relieved. You get to pick a Sandra Bullock or George Clooney movie that got two stars or less from Leonard from 2001 or 1988. Let's go 2001.

Thank God. You're making all the right choices here. You are. This is right up my way. Bert, you have such a poker mouth. Two stars from Leonard, as advertised. The year is 2001 he calls this movie remarkably lifeless

and he also says that there's some cameos in it including Henry Silva cameos in this movie the great Henry Silva. Cameos in this movie. The great Henry Silva. And Leonard lists 12 names?

Yeah, so how many names do you think you can get in Claire? I'll go 12. Smart opening bid, Claire. Lauren? Oh, do I bid too? Or am I supposed to just try and guess it right now? Oh, do I bid too? Or am I supposed to just try and guess it right now? No, you got to bid. Okay, I'm also bidding 12 names.

You can. Can I do that? I should have given her a rules card. You have to go less, but you can just go one more less just to be safe. 11. I'm going to go 10. There you go. So now we go back over to Claire.

She's got to decide if she can whittle away at it further. Think about it. There were stars in... Why am I helping her? Fuck. I know. He says ten out of twelve, so that's a lot of names. Yeah.

You know I want you back next week, so that's a lot of names. Yeah. You know I want you back next week, so. You know you could do seven. You know you could do seven. Say seven, see what happens. I think you should name it. No, I thought. You know it.

I'm never going to know this. So now he gets ten names. I'm reading from the bottom of the list. Okay. And he's only going to not hear the top two names. And now he gets 10 names. I'm reading from the bottom of the list. Okay. And he's only going to not hear the top two names. And if he gets this wrong, I will let him tell.

I mean, if you get this right. He could tell another dream? No. He's going to get it right. I'm going to tell. But 2011, 2001? 2001 was a tough year for me.

There's a lot going on that year. There was a lot. I was not watching a lot of movies. Or maybe you were. Just blurt it out as soon as you know it. I mean Bert, not the audience members. Carl Reiner, Shabu Quinn, Bernie Mac, Eddie Jameson, Elliot Gould, Scott Kahn, Casey Affleck, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, and Andy Garcia. Damn.

And it's called? Is it the first one or the second one? What's it called? Ocean's Eleven. That's correct. Damn! Yeah, Leonard hates Ocean's Eleven. You know what I was going to say to you?

Remarkably lifeless. I think it moves along at a nice pace. I was thinking, you say five, you could pick it out, I bet. I'm so scared because I had no clue that whole time when I was going to do this. I can't believe that he gave it two stars. That's where I'm a little bit flabbergasted.

No, that was a nice curveball. He's a pretty fair reviewer. We love Leonard. Now, here's my pitch. You make Ocean Eleven, just like The Wiz, all black. Only black actors. Kevin Hart. But you get to replace Bernie Mac and Don Cheadle with white guys?

Yes, yes, yes. That's my fucking... Dude, we can make millions! It's the Tyler Perry makeover. We're fucking doing it. Ice Cube. Kevin Hart. Who else do you put in it?

Mike Epps. How fucking good is this movie? Dave Chappelle. Oh, shit. I just sold a fucking movie. You know where you are right now. Yeah. This isn't a place to sell a movie.

It's a whole white crowd that look like Facebook. They're like, I don't get it. That'd be amazing if somebody listening thought that was a great idea. Stole it? Jumped on board. I love Donald Trump movies. You'd probably be Bernie Mac and I'd be Don Cheadle.

I don't know why I made those choices. I'd be Don Cheadle. No, I'd be Bernie Mac choices I'd be Don Cheadle No I'd be Bernie Mac You'd be Don Cheadle I think that's what I say Bert's on the board you guys He's got one point It was intimidating

Lauren you know a big strategy in this game Is just make other people name it And also listen to what the other people are saying Because they always give away whether or not they think they're going to get it. Focusing. You were really trying to talk her into lower names so that's why she made you name it.

I'm obsessed with how good Ocean's Eleven with just black, how fucking great that could be. It could be pretty sweet. I'm telling you. Okay, keep going. How would that many black guys get into a casino? They'd be suspicious

from the first scene. All these black guys on the other end of the casino winking at each other. That's not funny at all How do you do it? How do you drive a car? I'm not going to start this This is so funny.

All the producers would be shocked. Oh my God. You can't even tag his own shit. Who do you think did it? Well, it was the fucking two black guys. That's who fucking robbed the bank and the two fucking black guys. No, no, no, no.

It wasn't them. It wasn't them. There were two white guys with them. Why would two white guys be hanging out with them? The usual suspects both black. It's like,

no, you're guilty. You're going to jail. I don't even care who guys are supposed to be. You're going to fucking jail. Oh, Doug, how fucking funny is that? Oh, Doug. How fucking funny is that?

Oh my god. These boys are only feasible because they're white. It's having a total meltdown about what you guys are so saying. Did anyone just understand what I said? Oh my god. Yeah, I got it. I got it. Are you sure it's suspects? Yeah, yeah. We got it. I got it. We got it.

Yeah, yeah. We heard you. That's so fucking funny, Doug. Oh my God. Should I charge money for this episode? Oh my God. I'm going to fucking throw up.

I think you're going to have to. That was the funniest fucking... Oh shit. I'm sweating profusely. You could do probably 30 minutes on different movies where the cast were all black.

The Runaway Bride? I'm gonna get a beer. Yeah, that's a good idea. Lock the curtain. Lock it down. Oh my god. Alright, Lauren, you get to go first. Okay. We don't need him for this.

Okay. He'll be right back. He just watched it. That's the fucking greatest... Oh my god, that's a fucking bit, man. That is so fucking funny. Oh, that is so fucking funny. It's too bad everyone's heard it already. You can't put it on your next album now.

Oh, fuck. Unless you come up with 20 more. It could be your You Might Be a Redneck If. Yeah, calm down. That's one of my favorite laughs. You're sitting on a pile of gold. Oh, that's one of my favorite laughs. You're sitting on a pile of gold. I love when a laugh happens like that. All night long, I'm going to hear you say,

is the two black guys winking at each other? Oh my god. Is the two black guys winking at each other? Oh my god. Oh my god. Well we have proof that

if laughter induced childbirth, then a bird would have had a baby by now. It's true. I apologize, Lauren, for having you on with this. I apologize so much. I wish this hadn't happened, but I'm so glad it did.

That's an amazing country song. I wish this didn't happen, but I'm so glad it did. I don't know how you can focus right now and tell a different joke. My brain is all it's doing is thinking of movies. It's not just thinking about it.

It won't shut up about it. Okay, let's go. Change it. Change it. Make it happen. I brought you a beer. Alright, here we go, Jeff. Aw, he made up for it. Yeah, if you wanted a beer, that worked out good. That's exactly what I wanted.

Sam Rockwell's celebrating a birthday today. He's a good actor. I saw the way back on Silence on the airplane. Yeah, I'd love to put it on Silence. So much more fun to say than mute. And... Did it look like he was handing out pearls of wisdom to that young man? Doug, I'm still in the joke before.

I can't. I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later. I'm just. They could not have said. Think about. Wait, what?

Are you guys still having fun with this or is it getting way way better stop it stop it stop it stop it it's gonna stop right now

okay just go just go if they didn't you do a Rosa Parks one if they couldn't they couldn't do the way back with that cast but black cause everyone would go

oh it must be all racism is that right I don't get that one because okay go ahead it's okay you were on a roll with it. Let's just make this happen.

That was one of the best fucking laughs I've had in a long time. That's great. It's fun to watch someone really enjoy something. Yeah. We like it. Best seats in the house. Yeah. Oh my god.

This is what's happening with his face. That's no CGI. That's pure joy. Pure joy. Dude, I'm fucking 41 and I can laugh like that. Do you remember 41 year olds when we were kids laughing? Never. To be honest with you, when I hear them laughing

it's at the airport and I get irritated. Like what's so goddamn fun at the airport? Yeah, why are you laughing? The stools have feet! What? Max and Irma's,

the stools have feet. This one, you see older people laughing as they're like, they walk into Max and Irma's, it's a very popular restaurant in the Midwest. They're like,

I heard a dude laugh. He's like, the stools have feet! And I was like, seriously? That's your fucking threshold? The stools have feet. And I was like, seriously? That's your fucking threshold? The stools have feet and you're,

keep going. I'm fucking, I'm tired. Lauren gets to pick a category. Okay, I'm excited. She's ready. I'm ready. Would you like Mauled to Death?

We gotta get rid of this one. And by we, I mean me, Doug. Get rid of it. And that's movies that either have Gretchen Maul or take place in a mall.

And then at Santa Gaga Bieber suggested Rushmore and that's movies that have Washington Jefferson, Lincoln or Roosevelt in them as a character. Yeah, and then I don't like history.

These be movies with the rock. Sorry buddy, this Yeah, and then... I don't like history. Shying away from that one. Please be movies with The Rock. Sorry, buddy, this one is inconceivable, and it's movies with infertile women. Ooh, that one. Okay. Would you like a movie with infertile women, or women women from 2006

or 2008? 2008. I'm a little nervous. Apologies to put your hands together. Two and a half stars for this movie from 2008. Leonard says

about this movie that Bert Kreischer laughs just thinking about it. And that Leonard says about this movie that Bert Kreischer laughs just thinking about it. And that he says this movie is pretty bland. Though certainly watchable. Oh, okay.

Yeah, and like I said, two and a half stars. And Infertile Women or Woman. And like I said, two and a half stars. And infertile women or woman. And he lists seven, ten, thirteen names. So how many, you know, reading from the bottom of the cast list up, you know, the smart bit, if you don't think you know it, is just say thirteen names. Okay, I'm going to say eleven.

Oh, okay. And it's about women that are infertile. I'm sorry. Claire is next. I'mile. I'm sorry. Claire is next. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Lauren started with 11 out of 13. I'll say 10.

Okay, Bert. I'm sorry. This is about women that are infertile? Infertile? I think one. It has at least one woman who is infertile. In real life or in the script? Well, since I don't see the doctor's records of most actresses,

I had to go with it's happening on the screen. I don't know why Rosie O'Donnell adopted me. I thought you were going to say Kathy Bates! I don't remember Kathy Rosie O'Donnell adopted me. I thought you were going to say Kathy Bates. I don't remember Kathy Bates adopting anyone. I'm going to say seven. Ooh. Okay. Oh, I can't.

I don't think I can name it. Lauren doesn't want to go further than that, so she's going to say name it. Name it. But think about it. Okay. I thought you were going to say five. Okay, wait. I want to try.

What if I fail? It's okay. I'll do six. Yeah, you can't not try. And I'm going to say name it. All right. Now I'm so scared. Cut throat.

Why not? Yeah, she's playing for two, so she's very vicious. Yeah. Cute. Your six names are... I have faith in you on this one. Uh-oh. James Rebhorn.

Dennis O'Hare. Good luck. Siobhan Fallon Hogan. Don't know that person. Used to be Siobhan Fallon. Oh. She was on SNL. Jimmy Fallon's wife?

No. Paul Hogan's wife? Who is she on SNL? Who is that? Siobhan Fallon. Oh. She was on SNL. Jimmy Fallon's wife? No. Paul Hogan's wife? Who was she on SNL? Who was that? Siobhan Fallon. I don't know if she had any really recurring characters. Let's not put a face on it.

She was the... Oh, I need that. She was the wife of the... of the crazy... The contest dog. Crazy monster. But you get to hear it too. Crazy monster? In Men in Black. Oh, I Doug. Crazy Monster. But you get to hear it, too. Crazy Monster.

In Men in Black. Oh, I don't remember that. It doesn't help me. Sorry, I'm scared. John Hodgman. Oh, okay, wait. Yeah. Past and future guests of this show, Judge Hodgman.

Judge Hodgman. John Hodgman. Holland Taylor. And Moira Tierney. Is that six? Oh, my God. That sounds like a lot to me. I think that's six. I said six?

Yeah, that's it. Siobhan Fallon. Shut it down, Doug. I'm freaking out. John Hodgman, Holland Taylor, Moira Tierney. That almost helped me. Fertility. Pretty bland, but still certainly watchable.

From 2008. I mean, I'm sure I saw it. That's like totally up my alley. I can bet you saw it. I bet you money. Can I have one more hint? Oh my God, I'm so, I'm freaking out. It's okay, it's okay.

We have to move on, though. No, okay, It's okay. We have to move on, though. No, okay. Oh, shit. Fuck. I know it's wrong. What to expect and you're expecting is wrong. That is absolutely incorrect. But it was, at least you, it does have infertility in it.

And Steve Martin was the next name. Does that help? Oh, wait. And the leads were Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Oh, baby mama. Yeah, baby mama. So Claire gets a point, and we've got to get going. Super apologies

to... Put your hands together. That's close. Yeah, Burke gets picked a category. Good luck, ladies. And it goes to Claire. And what'd you like? Golden Shower's P-Book?

It's a classic one. That's motion pictures that begin with the letter P. The Spectacular Now. Let me check and see if I got one in there. Okay, that's good. The Spectacular Now. This is a movie that is in theaters now and got over 80% on Rotten Tomatoes.

So it's the cream of the crop in theaters now. The Spectacular Now. And then there's The Spectacle Now. And that's a movie where the lead character wears glasses. Which one of those would you like to play? Does that mean The Spectacle Now, that he's wearing glasses today, like now? Is that movie?

It's theoretical. But it's in the theaters now? No. I'm going to jump over this table. Just to add some theatricality, I could just walk around. And I'm going to... In the movie. Where's glasses in the movie?

These are things in the movies. I'm going to go with speculation about their personal lives. Specular, you know what I mean. The last one. Which one? Glasses. Spectacled. Glasses. Hang on a second.

I'm having issues. It's okay. I'm having issues. It's okay. I'm going to get this. All right. Oh, this is a good one. Would you like one, a movie where the lead character wears glasses from 1979,

1997, or 2001? I'm going to say, I'm going to say 1997 was my height in watching. No, that was not. I'm going to say 2001. You just said you saw no movies in 2001. No, 1997 was even worse, though.

1997 was when I graduated college and it was not a movie year for me. Two and a half stars. I should have done 1997. I bet it's Titanic. Let me just do a quick check on that. No, not Titanic. So, Leonard Maltin gave it.

Two and a half. Leonardo DiCaprio wore glasses? No one had glasses. I sincerely thought that would skate by. I saw you shake your head and you went, he didn No one had glasses. I sincerely thought that would skate by. I saw you shake your head and you went,

he didn't wear fucking glasses. No, nobody. Yeah, Baseball Jordan doesn't put up with that shit. The guy that played the tuba on the band. Whatever. 2001 is the year.

Two and a half stars, like I said, from Leonard. He mentions that the lead character has been spectacled he says that the movie's over long and he says that

but nothing oh somebody's getting a call they're calling you to tell you that your baby's that it's happening does your baby's... That it's happening? Does your baby have womb phone? It was known outside the U.S. by a different name. That's an interesting clue.

That's a really interesting clue. And he lists a shit ton of names. 18 names. 18 names. 17 names. 17 names? Jesus. Yeah, let's go with 17. And I know that we've covered this before, but when I say nine, it's the bottom nine, right?

It's the last. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. I'm going to say 15. 18 names. I'm going to say I can name I can name it in 12 names. 17 names. 18 names is the total? Yes.

And I said 12. Okay. I'm going to say name it. What? That was a gangster move right there. I wanted to do it to you. I was getting ready.

This is going to end soon, so I appreciate that. Can you come back next week, Bert? Dude, is it that easy? Oh, my God. No, I'm just checking. No, I can't. Yeah, he can't even make it, so. I'm in Kauai.

This is a tiebreaker between you and me hey if I win can I send my wife here yes she'll be so Claire books the show now that would be that would be weird

the audience didn't really seem to get too excited just move in with my wife and just realize how much fun I am in that relationship oh that's so mean oh really she's not here or done man seem to get too excited about. Just move with my wife and just realize how much fun I am in that relationship. Oh, that's so mean. Oh, really?

She's not here, it doesn't matter. It's not real if she's not here. Alright, keep going. Twelve names. Yes. They are David Bradley. Don't know that guy. Zoe Wanamaker. Sounds like she makes chocolate.

Julie Walters. Coach is guy? Zoe Wanamaker. Sounds like she makes chocolate. Julie Walters. Coaches a softball team. Warwick Davis. Who? Tom Filton. Tom Filton. Cigarettes. Sean Biggerstaff. I know that guy. Richard Griffiths. Richard Dreyfuss? Fiona Shaw.

Fiona Shaw. Richard Dreyfuss. John Cleese. Cleese. John Cleese. Oh, wait. Oh. No. Fiona Shaw. Richard Dreyfuss. John Cleese. Cleese. John Cleese. Oh, wait. No. Cleese. Richard Griffiths. I said it correctly. John Cleese.

John Hurt. How many more do you get? Alan Rickman. Alan Rickman? That's it. That's it. That's 12, right? Yeah. I can name it. She's right. That's 12, right? Yeah, that's it.

I can name it. She's right. Oh, no, he gets one more. It's not going to help, though. Ian Hart. Kevin's brother. In this cast, definitely. And you should do a black version of this.

Dude. Dude. Genius. John Cleese. Is it that easy and I really don't know it? I'm so excited that Claire is coming back next week. She's unstoppable. John Cleese. 2001, William Hurt.

Which one's he again? He's the one that was in this. I can't fucking believe this. I'm just going to write it down and make it official. I am going to say... I'm declaring Claire is the winner. Claire knows it. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Is it...

Fuck, is Tom Selleck in this movie? No. You think they wouldn't... How could they ever look? The premier English actor of all our times with this cast. Tell me who you want me to tell them.

Maggie Smith, Robbie Coltrane, Richard Harris, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, and Daniel Radcliffe. Oh, you cocksuckers. Are you shitting me? Yes, that was the working title of Harry Potter.. Are you shitting me? Yes, that was the working title of Harry Potter. Are you fucking shitting me? Are you fucking shitting me? Harry Potter?

Wears glasses. Of course he does. And you know what? You're looking at me and you kind of look like him this whole time. It's uncanny, actually. Well, congratulations, Claire. Lauren, does your crazy name tag have a shithead written on the back?

I don't think so. Could that person come up here? Unless I missed it. Marika? Oh, it stands up. Could you come write one down for me? And we got one from Bert. And congratulations to Claire.

We'll see you again next week. Breaking my own pregnant record. I think everyone next week is all from the same film, so that'll be fun. What does that say? Oh, I get it.

Okay, that's a nice one. Thank you. Fucking Harry Potter. Yeah. Kind of crazy how I picked a movie that's probably the first one that pops into people's heads when you say lead character wears glasses.

I read the books, obviously. Right, and of course, he had LASIK in the books. It's just one of those things that change. They kind of glassed over the whole glasses. They didn't want to make it

bully, you know like type of Lauren do you have anything you'd like to plug um watch Orange is the New Black on Netflix and

um I do love that show thank you and I'll be on House of Lies recurring on House of Lies this season do you have scenes

with our friend Ben Schwartz yeah I do nice yeah you'll be so funny together that's awesome he's awesome. He's fun. Claire, what's going on besides this baby? Go see Big Ass Spider

in the theaters or VOD. It's super funny. Greg Grunberg's in it. Greg Grunberg, Ray Weiss. And check out... And how can you guess that movie after we said all those names, Bert? Harry Potter. Fucking so angry about that. Big Ass Potter. Big angry about that Big ass Potter

Big ass Potter That's the black version Or the name of your next DVD Big ass Potter get it It could happen If you had to make Harry Potter black Who would you put in the lead Think about it

Harry Potter It's a toughie We'll see Who would you put in the lead? Think about it. Kerry Washington. Wait, Urkel? Urkel? Urkel's a little long in the tooth. Yeah, that's great of him. Will Smith. Will Smith. Oh, shit. Oh, no.

He's too cool. Yeah, he can't fake being a nerd. I've seen the American Girl movie. Put his daughter in. She can play a boy. You have to have children to get that joke. She's in the American Girl movie? In the American Girl movie.

It's fucking pointless. The one that the guy the Robin from Batman's in she plays a boy throughout the entire movie and at the end they reveal she's a girl.

Would have been great if you guys hung out at my house all the time and watched this fucking American Girl movie. I've seen 20 fucking times. Does it ever jump into your head while you're jerking off?

movie I've seen 20 fucking times does it ever jump into your head while you're jerking off oh a bird walked out of the room maybe it's just on in the background I fucking love this can you make this a segment oh god oh god I fucking you've made my favorite thing Can you make this a segment? Oh, God.

You've made my favorite thing I'm going to think about forever. We should do a segment called Doug's trying to rap to show up right now, Bert. We got one minute, Doug. According to what? We're 15 minutes late. Oh, okay. That's all I know because of that clock there. Oh, let's have the dude that Claire was playing for

Come and get his prizes The whole prize bag Congratulations Oh yay That's fun to get it all I know it's nice little swag Do it up And catch Getting Doug With High every Wednesday

At 4.15 Pacific Standard Time YouTube.com Slash Doug Benson You've heard of this right Bert? No I have not GettingDougWithHigh every Wednesday at 4.15 Pacific Standard Time. YouTube.com slash Doug Benson. You've heard of this, right, Bert? No, I have not. I smoke weed with the guests on live stream for 45 minutes every Wednesday. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. It's true.

That's fucking awesome. Were you going to say, can I do it? Can I be on it? No, I cannot do it. I don't smoke weed. I knew you'd be excited for me do it. I don't smoke weed. I knew you'd be excited for me, though. I think that's a fucking great idea. Yeah, it's super fun. You should do it right after you give birth.

I should. Yeah, just come right over. I'll do the crossover. The podcast YouTube crossover. That's fucking a great idea, man. I can't wait to see that. Somebody's phone is going off. That's cool, dude.

You have Rush coming on stage as your ringtone? No, he says. He says no. People clapping. I have stuff to plug. Oh, I wish we had time. Thank you, Doug for having me. I've had a blast.

I've had a blast. What do you want to plug, buddy? Nothing. November 8th, tickets go on sale to see Burt Kreischer and Doug Benson at the Knob Hill Masonic Temple in San Francisco, California. Yeah, New Year's Eve countdown with us. Hosted by Pete Holmes, also featuring Natasha Leggero, Moshe Kasher, and Rory Scoville. It's people that are on my podcast and each other's podcasts. It's fucking great. It's going to be so much fun.

I'm going to geek out about everyone's shows. You're getting high show, Pete's show, Natasha's. Everyone's got a fucking TV show these days. You've had three or four already. Yeah. You've had your share. So my book is on pre-order right now. If you want to go to BertBertBert.com, you can pre-order my book, on pre-order right now if you want to go to burpburpburp.com

you can pre-order my book Life of the Party I have a documentary you can pre-order that and I have so by pre-order you just mean

they hope that you do finish this project and not even close to Don and Doug not even fucking close so just pre-pre-pre-pre-order that shit

if there are enough pre-orders if you wish it to happen through pre-order if I get a. Just pre-pre-pre-pre-order that shit. If there are enough pre-orders, I will finish the book. If I get 100,000 pre-orders, I'll finish it. How many do you have so far? I don't know. Let's not get into that. How many pages? It looks good.

No, how many pre-orders? Do you want to write a blurb? How many people want it? I don't want to get into those numbers. Can I guess if I get it right? You're never going to get it right. You're going to go so low, and it's so much harder. I don't think I'm into those numbers. Can I guess if I get it right? You're never going to get it right. You're going to go so low, and it's so much harder. I don't think I'm going to go that low.

I guarantee you. 4,000 people. You're wrong. That's low? That's low. Write the fucking book then. Well, yeah. I want to get on the New York.

Let's drop this. I'm drunk. Let's go. Let's wrap it up. How do we do? Doug loves everybody. Pregnant women. He's on R.A.

It's the new black. I got to say who the shitheads are. Oh, yep. Sorry. Tell me when to start it up again. Do either of you want to change your shithead really quick? I love this show the way I... Oh, keep going.

Just do not let me talk. All right. Wrap it up. Philip Seymour Hoffman is a shithead. No, no talking. No. Thanks, Lauren. Thanks, Claire.

Thanks, Bert. And vehicular mishaps are a shithead. Yay. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you. Because Doug loves movies.