Doug Loves Movies - Bert Kreischer, Matt Fernandez and Chris Crespo guest

Episode Date: December 19, 2016

Live from The Improv in Fort Lauderdale, Doug welcomes Bert Kreischer, Matt Fernandez and Chris Crespo to the show. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey everybody today's episode is brought to you in part by Quiznos. Quiznos has a new loyalty app for androids and iPhones called Quiznos Toasty Points. The app works at almost all Quiznos in the US and Canada. What is it? Spend one dollars to earn one point. Points, unlike internet points, get you free food. 20 points a free drink. 35 points a free free food 20 points a free drink 35 points a free combo 50 points a free small sub 70 points free regular sub for signing up you get a free small sub with any purchase does not require any points for this offer just a way for quiznos to sweeten the deal download this fucking amazing app from quiznos called Toasty Points. Enter promo code Doug and get a free small sub with any purchase

and 20 bonus points. Enjoy the show! Doug hates candy wrappers and he sleeps with 50 as a fuck with his teeth loose. I know that he won't sleep a lot but he will see the love of the wind Hey, hey, hey, everybody. My name is Doug, and I love movies.

This is my love for movies. That one was kind of aggressive, you guys. So I'm sitting in the green room and the manager of the club comes in and goes, two minute warning. And then I hear, Doug loves. I didn't hear that. I heard Doug hates. But also in the room, is it me or is it like you could barely hear the lyrics? I've never heard it like that before where it was just like the music mostly. But anyway, we'll fix that in post. It's great to be here. Let me get this out and start reading to you.

Otherwise, I wouldn't know that we're coming to you from the improv in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. It's Saturday, December 17th, 2016, 4-20-ish. And I know you guys have some great name tags. I was right. I saw that one on Twitter today. Oh, there's a big box of donuts. He just wrote Alex inside the box. Thaitanic? Thaitanic? Your name is Ty? Ty-ese.

Ty-ese? Holy shit, you know you're white, right? I'm Brazilian. Oh, Brazilian. You're a white Brazilian. Hateful Tate? Your last name is Tate? Your last name is Tate? Your first name is Tate?

That's an awesome first name. What's wrong with your parents? What's your last name? You know, she's not going to say. So I'm guessing you just made up the Tate part also. She's here undercover. I saw that I love you Dan poster on Twitter. I think I used it

on Instagram. Jason and Bert go to White Castle. Very funny. I'm going to murder you. In the front row is a Fred Claus. How did you change it? Your name is Fred? Your nickname is Fred.

Okay. Alright, we got lots of good ones. Thank you. There's one guy holding up a business card or some sort of membership card. We'll see where that gets him. Where's your name tag? Me?

No, the guy I was pointing to. It doesn't have one. You're holding one. I go, where's your name tag? And a lady holding up a name tag goes, me? You got a big stocking. You have what I like to eat in there?

What does that mean? Walnuts? What are you talking about over there? Have a seat, lady. What are you talking about over there? Have a seat, lady. And good luck to everybody.

Doug Pluggs, two Los Angeles shows coming up this week. I'm not going to say which one, but one of them has an amazing lineup. And the other one is pretty good. That's Tuesday, December 20th at the UCB Franklin, and then Thursday, December 22nd at Meltdown Comics. And don't forget about my holiday taint shows. December 26th in San Diego, December 27th

in Irvine, December 29th in Sacramento, and New Year's Eve at 420 at the Improv in Tempe, Arizona. And at Douglas Movies has been added to the final night of the SF Sketch Fest next year in January. Sunday, January 29th.

For all the info you need on my dates and other things, back episodes, seasons of the show, all of that stuff you can find, you know where. DouglasMovies.com Woo! Oh! I'm sorry. Thank you. laughter That's douglasmovies.com People hate that so much. Oh, shit.

All right. I won't do that forever, but it amuses me because I get people get so angry about it. The prize bag includes something that I showed the audience during that break. It is the Tell the Truth sign with Will Smith on it and a bunch of little Douglas movies faces all over it that was made and given to me by someone here in Fort Lauderdale a year ago. I was here about a year ago, right? What?

February? Oh, I came back too soon. So yes, a guy made that for me and gave it to me in February. Is he here today? So yes, a guy made that for me and gave it to me in February. Is he here today? I didn't know if he'd show up or not, but I've been traveling with it. I took pictures of it in different state capitals.

And now it's back and it's in the prize bag. Someone's going home with the Tell the Truth sign. Because it's more important than ever right now to tell the truth. I also brought a peacemaker pipe. Nice black one. It's real good, real undercover business. Although I guess you guys don't have to worry about it as much now that medical is legal in Florida! Great job, you guys. And yesterday I had the honor of being a guest briefly on the very last episode of the local radio show called Paul and Young Ron.

And people are very, very sad to see Young Ron go, but we had a fun time yesterday morning, and I managed to snag one of the very exclusive final Paul and Young Ron t-shirts. So that's going in the prize bag. Along with all the stuff my guests brought, it's three fellas that have been on the show before, two Floridians, and one, you know, actually, three Floridians. Yeah.

That's right. Please give a big warm welcome to Matt Fernandez, Chris Crespo, and Bert Kreischer. Well, this gentleman over here dressed up. Thank you for wearing that tuxedo. Thank you. I'm glad you said that I was a Floridian. I thought you were going to forget. Yeah, Bert's from Tampa.

I'm a full-blooded tampon. Really? I don't think that's how you want... You don't want to say it like that. A full-blooded, soggy tampon. No, why? At least full-blooded is something people say about where they're from, but soggy never comes up.

It rains a lot. It rains every afternoon. It's definitely soggy. It's moist. That's a moist tampon. Ah, too far. That was too far. So gross. Let's meet my guests individually, you guys. Let's give a big round of applause to Chris Crespo, everybody.

What's up? Meow, meow, meow. Awesome. I am Chris Crespo on Twitter. Damn straight, I am Chris Crespo on Twitter. No, you are. But if I say you are Chris Crespo on Twitter, then nobody's going to find you. Because your name on Twitter is I am Chris Crespo. No, you are, but if I say you are Chris Crespo on Twitter, then nobody's going to find you. Because your name on Twitter is I am

Chris Crespo. Because there's like 50 other Chris Crespos. Who are these people? A bunch of losers. I am Chris Crespo. You're the least loser of all. There's dozens of them. Do you know a guy named Henry Crespo? Of course I don't. Oh. I thought you said of course I do, and I went

I grew up with him. I was wondering if you guys were brothers. No, sorry. No. Shout out to Joseph Crespo. I didn't think Crespo was that. I thought that was kind of a unique name. In Puerto Rico, it's more common. But this is Florida.

So that's a fine assumption to make. OK. Well, you, sir, are a writer and film critic. And you were on Douglas Movies when I did in Orlando one time. Yes. This, you, sir, are a writer and film critic, and you were on Doug Loves Movies when I did in Orlando one time. Yes. This is my second time, so my Twitter will now change to Doug Loves Movies regular contributor. Oh, I like

that. Thank you. Contributor. It'll say, show couldn't exist without Chris Crespo, Doug Loves Movies. There you go. All right. Appreciate it. Yeah, you could write multiple appearances. Yep. Two. Something like, two That's multiple When we played the games in Orlando, did you win? I know Esther Koo didn't

I did win You did win that one And you were up against the man to your right Matt Fernandez, everybody He's a film critic. Spoiler alert, he's going to win today, too. I do like movies. I think you should have more faith in Bert Kreischer than that.

I've been watching a lot of Netflix lately. Fernandez, now do you have any relation to Aaron Fernandez? I'm from Tampa, and I didn't know you were from Tampa. I think you could be my biological father. Are you really from Tampa? Yeah, I drove here from Tampa. Did you grow up in Tampa though? Yeah. Where? My whole life. I went to Hillsborough High School.

Wait, you went to Hillsborough High School? Fuck yeah, man. We travel. The two only white guys that went to Hillsborough High School. Well, you got us there. Holy shit, shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's what I'd say to audience members that are gonna yell stuff out. No one cares shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's what I'd say to audience members

that are going to yell stuff out. No one cares where you're from. Now, Matt is Fat Fernandez on Twitter. Yes. Thanks, man. It's very clever. Makes it a little harder to find, but it sure is fun.

Just switch the first letters of each of my names. Yeah, it's not rocket science. Figure it out. Fat Fernandez. Yeah, I thought it was Fat Fernandez. That's my actual name. Have you seen the hashtag going around

Bert is Fat Fernandez? You will now. Bert Kreischer is here! Thank you. Thank you. Headlining all weekend here at the Fort Laud Improv

that's actually in Hollywood, Florida. At the Seaman Hall Casino. What did you call it? I'm laughing harder at it because I'm high and you're not. I can't hear anything this far away from you. It does.

Well, that's another thing that happens in a lot of these shows that people, listeners don't really know. But, you know, comedy clubs, the acoustics are just kind of meant for one person to stand in the middle of the stage and talk. So when we're sitting, even Bert's not that far from me, but like it is hard for us to hear each other. Yeah, it is. But, you know, we'll pay attention.

It's good this way. If I was sitting right next to you, I'd be a fucking cannonball. This is good. I like this energy. Do you like that somebody just put donuts directly on the stage? No, I don't like that at all. Who did that? Oh, all the way back there?

Because it's your name tag. You've got a shithead on the inside. You should have kept it. It's back there? Because it's your name tag. You've got a shithead on the inside. You should have kept it. It's a note. It's not my name tag. I have a separate name tag. Oh, you have a separate name tag, but the shithead's inside the donuts.

No, it's a note. It's a note? Mystery note. Oh, shit. Oh. Hey, let's, uh, I'm gonna piss off my first show, so why don't you bring me another

vodka top soda as well. It's gonna be a long fucking night, everybody, here on Dan Brown. I haven't had a dunk, I haven't had a carb. I take that back. I had a bagel yesterday morning. That's many carbs.

But man, I'm on a diet and those things look so good. Well, let's talk about it, Bert. You and Tom Segura are competing to lose weight? Yes. The weigh-ins are January 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. You need to achieve a BMI, which is your body mass index, of me and Tom were obese right now.

And we're just trying to get to overweight. And the bet is with Ari Shafir. So if we can both get into overweight, then Ari Shafir has to take us to Paris. But if either of us don't get into overweight

and stay obese, then we've got to pay for the three to go to Paris. And then here's the real kicker, side bet, Tom and I, the person who loses the most weight gets to shave the other guy's beard off. And I just booked something to shoot

on Comedy Central January 11th. And now I'm fucking, they call today and they're like, you're not losing this fucking bet. We're not going to put you on and everyone will go, who the fuck's this fat kid? Oh shit. Oh shit. Chuck Sings?

So, so, so what's the cutoff for when are you officially not obese and you're overweight? 227. Oh, okay.

And right now I'm 235. I was 256 at Thanksgiving. I just quit drinking for four days. I wish that wasn't true. I just quit drinking for four days and then the weight came off and then I was like, fuck. And then I just stopped eating altogether. So I'm at drinking for four days and then the weight came off and then I was like, fuck.

And then I just stopped eating altogether. So I'm at the very beginning stages of anorexia. I'm being serious. You saw me eat today. I just had the chicken. That's right. I did see that. I was a witness to his diet conscious lunch.

I'm very, I'm very well kept up. And no drinks at lunch. I didn't drink at lunch, but I am drinking pretty aggressively now. Yeah. Now you got the vodka sodas going. Vodka sodas, no carbs. It's paleo, bro, so. And you know that Tito's is gluten-free.

I know. Bertito, the guy who owns Tito's. The guy who owns Tito's, his name's Bert, too. And so they reached out to me and sent me a care package for my weight loss. Bertito is his name. The guy who owns Tito's is named Tito. No, it's Bert. Is his last name Tito? He's a guy named Tito Beverage.

Is his name Bertito? His name is Bertito. It really is. Tito Beverage Is his name Bertito? His name is Bertito It really is I think it means little Bert Bertito I swear to God They emailed me and they're like We don't really sponsor tours or anything

But if you have a thing Like a charity you want to be involved with We'll get involved with you They're like, by the way, our owner's name's Bert also. And then I was like, I thought it was Tito. And then they wrote back, no, Bertito. Alright, well, from now on we have to order Bertitos and soda.

Ooh, that's a good fucking... I hate... You're so good at that, fucking... I said in the back, I go, my whole use of talking is just to speak enough until someone goes, oh, that's a million dollar idea. But Doug always has the million dollar idea. He wanted to name my last special. He goes, you should call it White Noise.

Wait, what did you call it? Oh, you had to use the machine because that was the whole point of the whole thing. Yeah. To do the machine bit that was the whole point of the whole thing. Yeah. To do the machine bit on TV. To do the machine or shh. I just thought it would be cool to make people say that. I saw your special shh.

Or baby fucker. I saw you yesterday drinking like a fiend at the Paul and Young Ron final show. Yeah. And that was really fun because Florida's own Stephen Bauer who you guys might remember from Scarface as the oh hello guys would call it Scarface oh no the shirts coming off sorry I brought it up I cannot be on stage with a fucking shirt on. I get so panicky.

That did not take very long at all. I guarantee you the rest of us overweight guys on stage are not going to take our shirts off. I'm going to put on another shirt. Put on Bert's shirt. It's soaking wet right now Never mind But you know Stephen Bauer

He's been around forever Now he's on Ray Donovan On Showtime And he shows up to say goodbye To the radio guy And he sees Bert And he goes why is your shirt off And he goes I took it off

And he goes oh we're taking our shirts off And Stephen goes, why is your shirt off? And he goes, I took it off. And he goes, oh, we're taking our shirts off? And he takes his, Stephen Bauer just takes his shirt off, and for the rest of the show, and for maybe hours after that, he's just hanging out with no shirt on. I think maybe that's a fucking Florida thing. I remember when they made it illegal to take your shirt off at Bucks games,

and people threw a fucking stink. They're like, are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? They should have just made it illegal to not wear deodorant. That's why they... So the note inside the box of donuts from the donut place, I can't read

the name of it now, but it's on 420 Eaton Street. Wait, that's not real. That's not fucking real. 420 Eaton Street? That's going to be the Spencer-y. That's going to be the Spencer-y. The noted side said,

we ate the good donuts. These are throw nuts. Throw nuts. Yeah, so Bert, if at any point you feel like just reaching in there and throwing one at the audience. I just wiped my tits with this hand, so. They moved out of the way. That's a good poster to try to hit

oh my god I'm eating my licking my fingers what's going on then No, no, no. Here. Let's see a film critic throw. Thank you. That guy's cleaning up on donuts over there. Yeah! I want to eat this so bad.

Eat it. Eat it, Bert. I can bite and throw it. Do not eat it, Bert. That's a floor donut. No, we got it. No, we got it. Take a bite. You take a bite out of it and throw it like a grenade.

That guy just ate the floor donut. I saw it. Those are my favorite type cake battered donuts and fucking frosted. That blueberry one I would have fucking murdered. I really am getting an eating disorder. You know what I was thinking about doing? I was taking a bite, chewing it, and spitting it out. My diet right now consists of coffee and hot sauce. Wait, so when is the weigh-in?

January 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Final weigh-in's on the 3rd. Why three days in a row? Because Ari thinks that what I'll just do is go Chris Cyborg on him and cut weight. Which I would do. That's what I would do. But he goes, you need to be under obesity for three days straight so it's a lifestyle. I think it's going to be big. I don't know.

We're doing weigh-ins and Rogan's going to emce. I think we're going to... I don't know. We're doing weigh-ins and Rogan's going to MC them. And The Rock got involved. That's when it got really fucking insane. No, The Rock got involved. Like, I did a video and I was talking...

I was just talking shit about Tom and I said a line. It won't go over well here, but I'll say it anyway. I said, I do two days. I go,

two days for you guys who didn't get pussy in high school is how us badasses put hair on our balls. And The Rock fucking loved it. He retweeted it, and he was like, this is fucking hilarious. I'm now Team Burt.

And Tom was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was like, maybe you can get Kevin Hart. Or Vin Diesel, maybe? There's lots of options out there. Vin Diesel and The Rock have beef in the new Fast and Furious. It's on the tip of my head right now. I think their beef was that

Vin was eating too much of it. I think he gets a little out of shape and The Rock is just solid. Dude, do you ever watch his workout videos? Does this sound super homoerotic? Let's see where this goes. I tweeted one time, hey, don't worry, if your dick gets hard

when you watch The Rock workout, that's just testosterone. His workout videos, if you're not on his Instagram Are you just watching pain and gain or something? No But I watched the workout leading up to pain and gain That him and Mark Wahlberg did

And now I think my YouTube just thinks I'm gay Because all it puts is like I think you'd enjoy Rich Froning And I'm like who's he? Oh fuck Look at those penitentiary arms I hate how YouTube judges people like that and I'm like, who's he? Oh, fuck. Look at those penitentiary arms. I hate how YouTube judges people like that. All the shit that you've looked up. Just based on what you want to watch.

Oh, this guy's gay. Hi, I'm YouTube. I'm sentient. YouTube basically says, I know Burt will watch men working out, people popping zits and and sheiks

like the iron sheik? that kind of sheik? yeah I got obsessed with following sheiks on Periscope and then I tune into the next level, and they just upload their Periscopes to YouTube, and I just watch them live.

You just were in the middle of living your life, and they're so fucking exciting. Dude, I'm not even fucking around. Go on Periscope. These sheiks, you just watch them buying Arabian stallions, and then this is when it gets real good. This is when you turn into a detective. It's a sheikal pan, and you'll see a blonde Texas chick.

And you'll be like, whoa, where did her life go wrong? And then you do the research. She's definitely on a website. You're like, whoa, she was the peanut queen in Georgia? Shut the fuck up. Modeling gig turns into a chic's harem. Oh, shit. You know, if you didn't get into comedy,

you would have been a great librarian because you say shut the fuck up a lot. Can you imagine a librarian? Shut the fuck up! All right, Bert, what'd you bring for the prize bag, buddy? I brought,

I thought this one out. Oh, okay. I bought one shirt. This is a marshmallow, it's a bear's face but it says marshmallow in it. It's about the time I fought a bear.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. And then I thought I should promote something so I brought my podcast the Birdcast shirt and then I figured your fans unlike mine probably read

so I brought a copy of my book, Life of the Party You should make a BirdCast shirt that says ShirtCast on it. It's ironic that I sell shirts at all. You should just let Doug be your manager. He's got all the ideas. All right, Chris Crespo,

what do you got for us? Oh my God, I got so much stuff. Holy fuck! Guys, look at all this shit. All right. I'm not going through everything because it's way too fucking much but there's a whole bunch of podcasts

in the Central Florida area and about 2% of them are actually good so I got a couple of stickers and magnets and there's t-shirts in here there's a frisbee from shows like The Swirly Jones Show A Mediocre Time with Tom and Dan

What's the Fuss Podcast and as well as a Cinema Crespo Diso shirt as well. Yeah, that's your podcast, Cinema Crespo Diso. Yeah, Cinema Crespo Diso is my show, the number one movie podcast in Florida. Thank you. I didn't know you could break down podcasts

by state, but... It's by state. It sounds like an interesting statistic. And I always say, if you can think of a better movie podcast in Florida, go fuck yourself. And I also brought... That's all the podcast shit. That's all just podcast shit. And then to keep it movies, the original

Planet of the Apes, Quintology on VHS. You're welcome, America. You're welcome. You should have brought a VCR, too. There's only one in all of Orlando, and I got it. So now they'll have to go to a pawn shop

and buy a VCR. By the way, I will step in and say Mediocre Time with Tom and Dan is a fantastic fucking podcast. Is it? Yeah. You did a three-hour interview with them a couple months ago.

That's pretty wild. All right, who asked you, Bert? I love that. I will them a couple months ago. That was pretty wild. All right, who asked you, Bert? I love that. I will step in and announce this. And then you didn't move at all. Let it go. Shut it down. You did a verbal step in.

Matt Fernandez, what do you got? I brought a couple of... I was talking into my beer. I brought a couple of, uh... I was talking into my beer. That's where a lot of comedians go wrong. That's where their careers fizzle out when they talk into their beer instead of the microphone.

I brought these cool movie lithographs from War of the Worlds and The Day the Earth Stood Still. Somehow I ended up with two copies of Jen Kirkman's books, so I also brought that. And I also brought a beer koozie with one of my jokes on it. I always cut my six-pack rings

so they don't choke any dolphins. If I'm going to choke a dolphin, it'll be with my bare hands. That is solid and I would love to have that wrapped around my beer. Here, demonstrate it. Show how it wraps around a beer. I thought you were gonna make him choke a dolphin. Oh, it's like a snap bracelet! It's like a snap bracelet for beers. Cause that just makes life more fun

Crazy That's a big ticket item apparently Are you getting fancy? I like it, it's kind of violent I think it would also be good to slap somebody with it Please don't hit me Alright, so all of that is going in the prize bag. Somebody's going to win all this stuff today

and then have to carry it around like a weird homeless person. And let's just go down the line real quick, though, before we get into the game portion of the show. Bert, you seem like you're having a thought. No, no, no, I've been ready for this. Keep going. Oh, yeah, you are ready, because I think you watched something last night. What was the last movie you saw?

The Rock Working Out. It's not a movie. It's not a movie. Was the last movie you watched a sheik masturbating? Actually, when I was walking right before I left. Do you think there are sheiks that masturbate? Because if they have a harem, why would they need to? Yeah, I think that's against their religion. This shit took a turn.

Their bodyguards definitely masturbate. Yeah, and then they'd be walking around with stains all over their own clothes because they wear sheets. Yellow stains on their chic. What's it called? Alright, let's stop talking about that Because they will kill us What were you going to say?

I was, oddly enough Just watching a movie about the Iron Chic Before I came here A documentary But I saw a movie called Time Lapse Has anyone seen it? Jeff Tate.

Those that have are very excited, but everyone else doesn't care. Or doesn't know it. I put this out there. Not that you know anything I don't, but I'm obsessed with time-traveling movies. So if you know of a good time-traveling movie, tweet it to me. I will watch it, and I will fucking get into it.

I got done. The show, we had to be at Paul and Yung Ron for the thing here at six in the morning and I got done my show at like three and I fucking get the text from Jeff. Wait, you got done

with your stand-up show at three a.m.? I got done partying at three. Yeah, yeah. And then I sat in my room and I watched this whole fucking time-traveling movie and didn't sleep at all.

But it's a pretty good movie. It ends pretty good. I like it. It ends pretty good. And then I also watched a movie about ultra marathoners just cuz I wanted to see what their feet look like and what did their feet look like oh aggressive you had to sit and wait for a foot shot no I know I just scrolled through and then jumped every time they were fixing their feet. What do you mean by fixing? Oh. Dude, this

woman runs ten marathons in a row in like six, five days. And I know. And then every day they've got to take her shoes off, take her compression socks off, and she is howling and then

all the bandages are like kind of molded into her toes and all her toenails are black and then that got me on a spiral of Googling marathoners feet and I was like there's a picture. Just do it. Just do Google ultra marathon feet and then swipe and then you'll get to one where it's confusing. It's two feet, right?

But then there's three nails ahead of it and all the nails are off the fucking foot and you're like, Your YouTube account is on a list. The government knows about you, Bert I know They got a file for sure Dude, I'm obsessed with fitness Alright So yeah, the ending of Time Lapse is pretty good

And feed videos That's the answer to your question That one young, the actor, the bad guy in it We gave it away That guy, he should be in more shit we gave it away, but that guy, he should be in more shit. Who is he? Who are you asking?

A lot of good, you are. The only other guy that watched the movie in here. No, there was a few over there. Has that guy been in anything else?

The bad guy? Not the bad guy, not the gangster. All right, let's not. You know, I guess I could do this the old-fashioned way.

Yeah. Yeah, just look at your phone for a while. All right, let's not. You know, I guess I could do this the old-fashioned way. Yeah. Yeah, just look at your phone for a while. I'll do that later. Chris Crespo, what was the last movie you saw? I went and saw this little movie called Rogue One last night. Oh! Yeah. The Star Wars.

It was all right. Not bad. It was pretty good. Yeah, it's good. It was alright Not bad It was pretty good Yeah it's good It was good It wasn't great Alan Two Dicks Always delivers

He's the voice of the robot As the snarky Not necessarily snarky He's like He's like Doesn't have any No filter Yeah

So he's an asshole Yeah so he just says whatever He's just It's kind of like An autistic robot Yeah He has Asperger's. He's an Asperger robot.

Yeah, it makes him charming but frustrating. They're like, can we get us an Asperger 5000? An Aspie 5000. But he's like the comic relief in the movie. But what I like about it, amongst a lot of things, but my favorite thing about it is how the cutesy factor has been completely removed. It dialed down totally. There is nothing cutesy in it. Every once in a while there'd be a little guy like,

and you see him for a few seconds and you go, that guy's a little weird guy. But then he picks up a machine gun and starts shooting stormtroopers in the head. You're like, oh wait, he's a little badass actually. It's a war movie. And then you don't see him for very long. No, you don't. Yeah, there's not a lot of that in there, which is, I like that, but then also

aren't they supposed to be for kids? I have mixed feelings about it. Episode 3 and this one are the only ones to be PG-13, so they are much more violent. I'm not going to say who, but many more people die in this movie than in a typical Star Wars movie. Many people die. Hang on. Back up. In A New Hope,

the very first one, an entire planet dies. Fair enough. But we didn't know any of those people. We didn't know any of them. Never forget, Chris. I always forget. I always forget. Matt is...

What? Goosebumps. We're going to be talking about Rogue One for months and months and months. I don't want to bore people with it. And I can't wait until the next time Jacob Sirif is on because he'll say some shit about it. Because it's not canon if George Lucas didn't think of it. But Matt Fernandez, what was the last... You're holding off on Rogue One.

I am. You're in no hurry. Um, I made the mistake of seeing Star Wars after I had already seen like Guardians of the Galaxy and the new Star Trek movies. So it didn't really knock me on my ass or anything. So I'll see it eventually. Talking shit. Wow.

I feel like someone fucking died in here. Calm down. It's a movie. It's okay. Okay. Uh, I am super psyched about the next Guardians movie. Yeah, that I will see on the first day.

But it's funny, in Japan, they didn't want to call it Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 for whatever reason. Translation-wise, they thought it would be better to call it Guardians of the Galaxy Remix. Which to me just sounds like it's the first movie with the scenes all... The order changed. Or the cutscenes are put yeah

Are they put in different music or DJ collie is just gonna randomly scream over the movie? But apparently remix is a better word to use in Japan for whatever reason I don't I have well I think it's because of World War two Idiot! Two doesn't have a big thing for that. I was watching a movie on TBS today called Hit and Run that was co-directed and written and stars a friend of the show,

Dax Shepard, and his lovely wife, Kristen Bell. And it's like a kind of a throwback to like Smokey and the Bandit movies. It's like a chase movie, and it's really funny, and Tom Arnold's in it. But here's the thing that struck me as odd. I tweeted about it because there's a scene where they sit around talking about how the word fag, like he says, that's so gay. No, he says, you know, what a fag about something,

and Kristen Bell goes, that's, you know, you shouldn't say that because that, you know, gay people, it marginalizes them when you talk that way, and they have the whole discussion about it, but every time they said the word fag, they dropped the audio, so they're like having a discussion about why you shouldn't say a particular word

and then dropping the word so no one's learning anything. Everyone thinks it's the N-word. Bert, I know that when I see some lips, I know the difference between fag and a two-syllable word. I guess it could have been faggot, but anyway.

It's a good scene in the movie that gets ruined by TV, but at least the rest of the movie, every time they say fuck, they just drop it. I like when they drop the audio on fuck instead of changing it to, you know, Frank!

No, I like the old school. Let's change up the dialogue to... You like that? Yeah, like in Big Lebowski. It's like, this is what happens when you meet a stranger in the Alps. That's genius stuff. Instead of, this is what happens when you meet a stranger in the Alps. That's genius stuff. Instead of, this is what happens

when you fuck a stranger in the ass? Come on. Well, sometimes filmmakers are clever about it. Like, Edgar Wright, he goes through, and if there's a line that's going to have to get changed, he writes another line and has the actor say it. And, you know, that's super smart, but you're still having a sense of your own shit.

Oh, shit, I just said shit three times. The only movie I saw of Dax and what Kristen Bell is, they were putting laundry in a washing machine. That's a TV commercial. How much money do they need? Holy shit. They're great actors. Fucking let me do the commercials. I do have minor beef with Sam Jackson and Jennifer

Garner because you see them constantly in the What's in Your Wallet commercials. They don't need more money. No shit. Neither one of them needs more money. And also they're advertising, hey, do you want to be in horrible, horrible debt for the rest of your life? Get a credit card. That's what they're saying. I love in those

commercials, you can just tell that Samuel L. Jackson wants to say fuck so bad. What's in your wallet, get a credit card. That's what they're saying. I love in those commercials you can just tell that Samuel L. Jackson wants to say fuck so bad. What's in your wallet, motherfucker? And you just know he wants to let it out. What's in your bad motherfucker wallet? If celebrities are doing commercials, I think they should make them soul sucking commercials so we can appreciate

them losing some of their identity. Like, hi, I'm Dax Shepard. This is a Samsung washer and dryer, but right now I'm going to suck my dick for you. And then Kristen Bell's holding the back of his head. Come on, do it. We need the paycheck. We want a beach house. Did I mention Dax and Kristen

are friends of this show? I like them. I like them. I like them. I just, I mean. Like, that should be your shtick is you go everywhere with a shovel because you're going to dig a hole for yourself. I was in a podcast where I did nothing but shit on Chris Pratt and his chick, whatever her name is. Anna Faris? Anna Faris. And then I was like. I love both of them. At the very end, I was like, whatever her name is. Anna Faris? Anna Faris.

And then I was like... I love both of them. At the very end, I was like, I really like them. But I don't know, I used to get on a rant because I was like,

oh, fucking, fucking... And then all of a sudden you're like, oh, I forget people will hear this. And then Chris Pratt, who's a human being, might be driving to work

one day to set and go, oh, this is Peter Kreischer, I really like him. And turn it up and go, what a fucking dick. Yeah. I'm sure he's going to say, Bert Kreischer, I really like him.

You never know. You do not know when somebody's going to hear it and then you've lost a fan. The first time Dax and I ever met, he later told me that i said something sarcastic to him that made him think i you know he didn't like me for a long time and then we ran into each other again and got along great but uh he's got a good he's he did a great podcast where he talked about getting sober that was really kind of moving i was like oh like i don't i'm not gonna do it yeah i'm not gonna do that but it was really fucking so i really like you dax you're my favorite from pumped he's

he's definitely not listening to this and in the competition between him and ashton kutcher of course he is um people don't burn ashton kutcher anymore Hey, hey, hey Nothing bad about Ashton Kutcher He's a fucking good guy I heard your Uber rating goes down If you shit talk Ashton Kutcher I'm a huge Ashton Kutcher fan You even say it weirdly

By the way, that guy That's a guy who said stuff out loud. That's a million dollar idea. Because he's got a company. That's all he does is make million dollar ideas. I don't know. He's one of the biggest owners in Uber. Oh, fuck.

I got to hang out with Ashton Kutcher so I can speak around him and him go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's got to get you to stop saying Kutcher so i can speak around him and him go whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa yeah he's got to he's got to get you to stop saying kutcher kutcher culture you say kutcher i say kutcher let's call the whole thing off burke kreischer everybody here's the part of the show where bur normally turns it off, but tonight he's going to have to suffer through it. Because I'm about to say, Let the games begin!

Lots of great name tags for you to choose from, and one guy holding up his work ID. So pick whatever name tag you want to play for. You know what I'm going for we'll do this we'll be right back today's episode is brought to you in part by jackthreads.com when was the last time you ordered clothes online

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who are you playing for burt uh j. Jason and Bert's go to White Castle for a hundred burgers. Yeah, I don't get what that's about, but it's a good... good likeness of you. Have you seen the... the White Castle movies, the Harold and Kumar's?

You haven't? No. Both those guys? Both the actors that play those parts? Not weed smokers. Yeah. Kal Penn used to write for Obama. Yeah, Kal Penn was like an Obama

guy. He worked in his office. Oh, look at this pipe. Alright, so what's the name of the guy you're playing for? Jason, I think. Jason, all right. Good job, Jason.

Who are you playing for there, Chris? I got the hateful Tate. Hateful Tate. Over here, who looks not hateful at all. Looks very sweet, actually. Kind of confusing, but it's homemade. It's a very nice sign. It reminds me of when people do remixes of movie posters,

and they do a new design. Yeah, like a Mondo poster or something. I think that design's better than the one they did with the actual movie, to be honest with you. It reminds me of when people do remixes of movie posters and they do a new design. I think that design's better than the one they did with the actual movie, to be honest with you. I think it's pretty awesome and I love the movie. And her name is Tate. I thought she just thought Jeff Tate might be here today. But her first name is Tate.

Is your first name Tate? Yeah. And she won't tell us her last name. First name's Tatum. Oh, Tatum. Tatum. All right. Good job.

Good stuff. There you go. Is your last name. First name's Tatum. Oh, Tatum. Tatum. All right. Good job. Good stuff. There you go. Is your last name Channing? I was going to ask if her last name was Tots. Oh, that's a great name, Tatum Tots. Channing Tatum, a Tampa guy, went to Gaither. You gave me a post-it, Bert. All right.

Yeah. Turn on Bert's mic, please. Thank you. Who are you playing for, Matt? It's Ralphie, A Christmas Story. It's got my face and Bert's on it. I don't know why you didn't just call it A Christmas Ralphie.

That's where I would have gone with it. That'd be fun, yeah. But I liked it because it was a stocking and it's, you know. And the name is Ralphie. It's the time of the year. Yeah, where's Ralphie at? That was you? He's over yonder.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, the guy's name's Ralphie in the movie, too. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. And this guy also has a lamp for a leg. What? Nobody knows the Christmas story references?

Yeesh. Alright. Great job, you guys. Thank you. Good name tag picking. The first game we're going to play today is a little something called Live, Die, Repeat. All the games today are Bert Kreischer safe.

You know, you're not a movie trivia guy. Not at all. Yeah. I like to make you happy. Give you a chance to win. So this first game, Bert, you may recall, I'm going to say the title of a movie. The first one of you that repeats it back wins.

He's so ready. He looks like it's his first day of school I was crying on my first day of school It's like last day of school Okay, here we go Titanic! You stepped on my Look good, feel good Look good, feel good

It's not a movie That's always what Mark Wahlberg says Before he does his lines Alright, here we go Bad Santa Bad Santa 2 Bad Santa. Bad Santa. Bad Santa 2. Fuck, I win and then I lose.

And then he knocked it. He said Bad Santa 2 and then threw his hand up in the air and knocked his drink off the table. Thank you. Dipped the donuts in the vodka. The donuts got wet. Those are donuts too? Yeah. Fuck you guys. The people bring a lot of donuts got wet. Those are donuts too? Fuck you guys.

The people bring a lot of donuts, Bert. I'm sorry. I'll put these over here out of the splash zone. Make sure that cord casually drapes over that puddle. That seems totally safe. Bert's also going to need another vodka and soda. Thanks for those donuts, Alex. Do you want a backup? Do you want another one?

Yeah, they're bringing it. Okay. That's your prize for getting Bad Santa 2 the fastest. I'll take one, too. I'll take a vodka and soda, too. You don't get to drink anymore because you lost. God damn it! What are you guys drinking? You're drinking Tito's and soda all around?

Alright. Three Tito's and soda, please. Do you need another beer, Matt? Yeah, I'll take another Heineken, please. Thank you. Let's play. Bert, you get to go first in this next game. Alright. Here we go. It's called ABCD's Nuts.

Woo! There's a minimal amount of spelling involved. It's not difficult spelling. You just need to know what the next letter is in the phrase that we are going to spell. And today's phrase is Bert is fat. Okay.

Mostly because Tom is fat is one less letter and we want to have a fun game. Okay. But that's the thing about that, though. It's going back to the challenge that you and Bert are doing, I mean, Tom are doing, is essentially you both, you're cheering each other on now

because you both need to meet the weight, right? Yeah. You're not competing against each other. We're competing against each other in the same direction. It's like LeBron and Dwayne Wade. Like, someone wants to be the MVP, but they both want to win the championship. Okay. It was a bad analogy.

It's exactly like LeBron and Dwayne Wade. The greatest athletes from... Very, very relevant reference. Yeah. So, yeah, so we're both like, he keeps checking me. He's like, how are you at? Where are you at? And then I'll tell him, but then he'll tell me.

And then Rogan's like, oh, he's sandbagging you. He's lying. And I go, really? And so I was like, send a pic. And so he sent a pic from before. And then I sent him my dick pic. Oh, here it comes. Oh, yeah, give him... Thank you. Oh, yeah, give him a taller glass.

That's a good idea. Thank you. And can we get one more for Chris? Oh, there it is. Thanks. Let's hear it for the hardworking people here. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Let's hear it for the hardworking people here. Thank you very much. Thank you. Here at the Hard Rock Seamen Hole Improv. It's not Christmas if there isn't an elf hat on the eye. Here's elf hat on your eye, everybody. Okay, so... You really gotta keep us all up to date on the internet. Like, how can people follow the saga?

I'm posting a lot on my Instagram. So I'm doing like... I'll be posting one a day about my working out on my Instagram. And they're usually lighthearted and funny. It's not as good as The Rock's workout videos. And then I think we're going to do a live podcast maybe from the Comedy Store. Or maybe we'll do it at Rogan's Place

of the day of the weigh-ins. Oh, you'll do a podcast for each weigh-in? No, I think we're just going to do one on the third. We're going to all meet up and do them each day and then we'll do one on the third and that's when the beard comes off of one of us. What if you don't make it on the first day you can still make it by the third day or you have to be there by day one we're all going to be there

by day one because no matter what we're going to panic diet to get there on day one day three is the day where we might fall out where you're like fuck it i gotta eat carbs pizza time oh what so how many pounds do you need to lose? I just need to lose eight pounds. Eight more? Just cut off a hand. Shave your stomach. Yeah, you're the one taking

weight loss advice from Matt. Yeah, we'll see. We'll get there. I don't know. All right. Well, maybe it'll weigh less when you have the baby. Is the whole family supportive of your efforts? No, no. Not at all.

My daughter, Isla, was eating donuts the other day, and she was dunking them in milk, old-fashioned milk. And then she goes, you know you want it. The guy came over here. Oh, yeah. It looked so good. And then she just put it in my mouth. She goes, eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it.

And I couldn't stop. I went... Oh, my god. Alright, so we're going to spell Bert as fat. So the idea of Bert is that the first letter is B for Bert as fat. So all you got to do is name any movie that begins with the letter B.

And if you match the one I wrote down in advance, you win this game. It's not likely, but it might happen. Name any movie that begins with B, Bert. Boondock Saints. Not Bert, not you guys. Boondock Saints, that's a good one. Yeah.

I went with Big Fat Liar. I know what we're doing here. Fat liar. I know what we're doing here. The next letter for you, Chris, is E. Ernest saves Christmas. Oh. That reminds me, an ornament from the Christmas tree is going in the prize bag.

Look it, they got tons of them. They can afford to lose one. I went with eating Raul. R is your letter there, Matt. Running scared? Oh.

I went with run, fat boy, run. T-Bert. I mean, I'm trying to guess what the one you picked is. But I got one, and it's due to my drinking. Tremors? Oh, I'm sorry. I picked Tremors? Oh, I'm sorry. I picked Tremors 2.

No, I'm just kidding. I went with The Nutty Professor. Not the Jerry Lewis one. I is the next letter for you there, Chris. I know what you're doing, but I can't pick a one that's going to fit what you're doing, so I'm just going to go ahead and say Inception. I honestly what you're doing, but I can't pick one that's gonna fit what you're doing, so I'm just gonna go ahead and say Inception. Yeah, I honestly almost wrote Inception

because I was having trouble finding a movie that fit this. But I ended up going with, and please, I don't like to fat shame anybody, but I went with Identity Thief. I know, right? Oh, shit. Melissa McCarthy. I'm a big fan of Melissa McCarthy, so...

I'm literally a big... a big fan. I, you know... I think when you have your own weight problem, you can say whatever you want. Yeah, sure. It's like being black. No?

I mean, kind of. Not exactly like it. There was like one black guy at the thing, the Paul and Yung Ron show yesterday, so he became an object of attention. Are there any here today? Yeah, this guy right here. Oh, there you go.

Nice to see you. It counts. Nice to see you. It counts. I like it when you come out to white guys love movies. I appreciate it. S is the next letter. Slammin' Salmon.

Shout out to our friends in the old Broken Lizard. I went with Shallow Hal. One of the most fat, shamey movies of all time. Bert. F. Fuck. Fat.

Albert. Albert? No. fat Albert no I did think of that Albert because your name is Albert right I went with Dom DeLuise starring in a movie called Fatso oh shit A is the next letter Chris

American Pie That's a good guess I think you gain weight Even if you fuck a pie I think so A lot of carbs I went with Austin Powers The Spy Who Shagged Me

Gain my belly And finally Come on Bring it home Come on, Matt. You got this. All this pressure. Tea. Damn. I know there's a pizza that I

like that there's a movie about. What? What? There's a pizza that I like that there's a movie about. Oh, my God. Do you know what I'm talking about? What are you talking about? That's a long walk to get to that one.

You would think the way you laugh would make you lose weight. All that shaking of your belly. Anything, Matt? I'm going to go with the doors because Bert can't fit through them. Boom! No, the people fatter than me only fat shame.

I never get to make fat jokes. It's so wonderful. You're just taking your act and turning it around and saying Furt in front of it. Oh, I never make fat jokes. Yeah. You should start. I am pretty awesome at it.

As soon as the show's over, he's going to change his Twitter name to Furt Bernandes. Furt. That's what you should say whenever you fart. I'm sorry, buddy. I just Furt. That's what you should say whenever you fart. I'm sorry, everybody. I just furted.

Million dollar idea. That's your next t-shirt. Who furted? Do you have a guess for tea? That's your next T-shirt. Who ferned it? Who ferned it? Do you have a guess for tea? You were saying something about a pizza? I was going to say Tombstone. Oh, Tombstone pizza.

Yeah. Do you have a guess, Chris? For that final tea? The Nutty Professor 2. Full title? Beat the Klumps. Beat the Full title? Beat the Klumps. Beat the Klumps? Beat the Klumps. Beat them, beat them.

Or you can beat them. I don't give a shit about the Klumps. Meet them or beat them. It's just the Klumps. Fuck. You don't have to meet them or beat them. Usually there's an instruction in there. Damn it.

All right, so nobody won that game. So, Bert, you're still the champ today. I like this. You're doing good, buddy. You want to throw another donut to celebrate? Yeah. I know which one I'm going to throw so I can lick my fingers.

Take out your rage on them donuts. You went for the pink one. The Simpsons donut. What kind of throw was that? I love these fake balcony things they have that no one can sit up there because they're not real, but they have a little depth to them.

So I'm going to try to throw a donut into one. And then years from now, somebody will come along and they'll be like, oh, now we know why there's so many rats in this club. Yeah, don't worry, I got more. Oh, shit. That is definitely going to be a problem. Holy fuck. Oh my god. Oh shit.

Let's do it with salmon. I can't go to the improv anymore. It smells fishy. Oh. I can't go to the improv anymore. It smells fishy. Oh my gosh. God damn it. You guys good? Great. Fantastic.

Because there's plenty more donuts to throw if you want. I like to either throw all the donuts at the end or just briefly along the way because when we have a long donut throwing session, people listening to it are like, I want movie trivia, not Oh! Oh!

Yay! Was that her? The gentleman over here swallowed an air horn. Should have gone to the emergency room, but he's a big fan. He just presses right here. It's muffled because it's inside him. Let's play Last Man Stanton. Let's decide this motherfucker.

Yeah. Speaking of Last Man Stanton, we had a rousing game of it in the 12 Guests of Christmas West Coast edition that by the time you're hearing this, it'll probably be still a couple more days before it's available on iTunes. We're looking at maybe next Tuesday for two bucks.

Does anybody here listen to the New York 12 Guests of Christmas? That is a long-ass episode. That's like Joe Rogan experience length. All right, so Last Man Stanton, you know how this works, right, guys? Let's just repent anyone who doesn't know. Let's rewind. For the listeners at home. Yeah, I mean, of the people on stage,

there might be somebody in a hat that doesn't know. There might be a shirtless individual who doesn't know. You should write something on your chest if it's going to be out all the time. We were thinking about doing that for my Call on 6 to Work shows is sell advertising on me, like NASCAR,

and just do it local. It's like $100, and I'll just put on these tattoos, like these stickers. But it should be like a company like EpiCac or something. Why EpiCac? Because seeing you with your shirt off makes me want to throw up anyway. Because seeing you with your shirt off makes me want to throw up anyway. I was just thrilled I came up with EpiCac.

Is that a brand name or the name of the actual thing? It's the thing. So there's other brands. There's certain brands of EpiCac. Morty's EpiCac. Why do you guys know so much about epicac what's wrong with you when you have kids you have to have

epicac in the house so they eat anything poisonous fucking jam it in their throat and they start throwing up that's called natural selection let it do it's job

oh I got a crazy idea have no poison in the house it's not guys they don't have jars of poison it's fucking shit that you need in your house.

Poison that kids will drink. Yeah, my kid, man. My youngest, I thought she was trying to collect a life insurance policy on herself. She fell down the stairs three times. Would she run back up and fall down again? Dude, one time she climbed over the bottom baby gate, got all the way to the top,

climbed up to the top baby gate, and was at the top of it and fell all the way fucking down. Fucking kid. They're resilient, though. She, one time, I was deboning a chicken, and I just cut the spine out of it, and I put it in the trash can, and I said, Is Isla do not touch

this I turn around not three seconds later she is deep throating like you're going I'm like oh my god I put I put how I cut up jalapenos and left them on the table one time I go Isla you are not to touch these and she put one in her mouth and I'm still cooking and all of a sudden I hear her whimpering. And I go, what? She goes, I think I ate poison. I love how don't touch these goes to into the mouth. Don't touch that stove. Oh yeah, go ahead and lick it. Which reminds me, yesterday you licked

a painting. Fucking Ron Castronova goes, hey, lick this painting. And you just fucking lick it without thinking about it, and then he said it was painted by a guy's dick. Yeah. I had blacked that moment out, oddly enough, and you just reminded me of it.

You should get one of those tongue scrapers and use it a lot. I stopped fucking with my tongue when I got married. It's like, you get what you get, you don't get upset. So you're going to go home and say, honey, I licked a dick painting? What happens in Fort Lauderdale? Stays in Hollywood. Stays in Hollywood. Stays in Hollywood.

All right, so somebody in the audience has been preselected with a, that suggested to me on Twitter, they have a great name for Last Man Stanton. And I'll get the name, Bert, and it's an actor or actress. We take turns. You'll go first. Thank you. We'll switch the order around. I'll go second, then Matt, and then Chris.

And we just name movies. If we can't think of one, you're out. You're right there. I'm all right. I'm just having some soda burps. But here's a wrinkle that I like to introduce whenever Bert Kreischer is playing because I want him to have an equal chance

and Matt and Chris know a lot about movies. So your lifeline, the person whose name tag you chose, if they're willing, can come up on stage and be a teammate with you during this game. Get up. Get up. So, yeah, get up here. What are their names? Ralphie. Get up. Get up. So, yeah, get up here. What are their names? Ralphie.

Ralphie, get up here. White Castle, get up here. Hey. Here we go. And there's Kate. I mean, Tate. How you doing? Hateful Tate.

Hey, guys. What's going on? What's going on? We'll work it out. We'll work it out. Just make some room, you guys, for them to kind of stand next to you. I don't want to I should just

fucking get rid of this Christmas tree. Throw that into the crowd. You comfortable? Are you good? Okay. We're good. Can everybody see everybody? Alright. Ralphie. Which one's Ralphie? Oh, you're? Okay. We're good. Can everybody see everybody? Alright. Ralphie. Which one's Ralphie? Oh, you're Ralphie.

Alright. Share your microphone with him, Matt. Are you Ralphie? Hello. Yes. Welcome to Ralph. Ralph. Okay. Oh, alright. It says Ralphie on your thing, you know. You can't suggest a name and then take it back. Alright. And now also on your thing, you know? You can't suggest a name and then take it back. Alright, and also

whenever you guys get one right, as long as at last a member of your team can throw a donut into the crowd. What's going on, Bert? I just asked if he photoshopped my teeth in this picture. They look very white, and I was like, okay. Try to focus.

Hey, hold up that I love you Dan poster again, can you? Look at this, Bert. Look at how good you look on this one. That's you. Oh, I saw that on the internet yesterday. Yeah. Yeah, he made a... You're instead of Siegel, instead of Jason Siegel.

And Jason Siegel was looking very good in that one. Goddammit, that's how skinny he is? Well, in that one. I think he goes up and down. He stopped drinking, too. Good story. Alright, where is someone on Twitter that goes by the name Dregs? That's you?

And where are you from? Fort Laud. Fort Laud. All right. And thanks for making the trip over here. Thanks for coming to the swamp. They used to have alligator shows out there. They still do.

What? They got alligator shows in Florida? No, I mean right out there. They still do. What? They've got alligator shows in Florida. No, I mean, but right out here. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like right next door was some sort of alligator, an Indian museum or something. And, of course, that went out of business. But they're always adding stuff here, and it's a fun place to hang out.

I tried to turn that around, make it a positive plug. All right. So, Drex, what's your suggestion? Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito. I like it. That's a fun one. All right.

So, Danny DeVito, starting with you, Bert. No, producing credits don't count. So you can't say Pulp Fiction. Twins. Okay. He's going with twins. You got something? Bert or your partner, would you like to throw a donut?

Go get a donut. All right. Yes, do it. There you go. Oh, shit. Oh, in the face. That's what you get for enjoying yourself. How dare you.

Sitting there having a lovely time. Donut face. having a lovely time. Donut face. Alright, I'll start off with, just to get it out of the way, because everyone's thinking it. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Ooh, good one. Everyone was thinking that one. Batman Returns. I didn't ask myself if I wanted to throw a donut. I apologize. No, that's cool. What'd you say? Batman Returns. Yeah, you did.

Get up there and throw a donut, man. Today's your day. I'll sit back in the room. Yeah, try not to hit the projector and the lights and stuff. You hungry over there? Okay, noted. Thanks for coming to the world famous

improv comedy club and restaurant. Chris? Throw mama from the Train Yes Do it The one with the filling Nice And I have decided that movies he's directed Count

You can go with directed He's usually in the ones he directed So it works either way And I have decided that movies he's directed count. You can go with directed. He's usually in the ones he directed, so it works either way. All right, Bert? Moral's Attacks. Yeah. Yeah. No.

I got a watch. I got a watch. I got a watch. He tries to give it to the alien. He gets that. That's DeVito? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that part. I remember it.

This guy's quoting Mars Attacks. I think he gets it. Yeah, that's my favorite part of the movie. He's a casino owner. He's a what? He's a slimy casino owner. You're not talking about Jack Nicholson. He tries to give him the watch.

Jack Nicholson is rich and he plays multiple characters. Here, I'll look it up on IMDb and tell you. I really don't think he's in it, but he might be. A lot of people are in it. It's the JFK of comedy. It's supposed to be a comedy. It's brutal. Just watch a bunch of famous people get killed by aliens.

Quack, quack, quack. Did you find it? DeVito's in that? Shit. Way to fucking go. All right. Well done. I can't picture him in that.

I see Jack Black running like an asshole and getting killed by the aliens. Pierce Brosnan's head on a dog. Yeah. Sarah Jessica Parker and Michael J. Fox's heads. Just floating heads. It's a weird ass movie.

Great, great. Shut up. Alright, Bert. What are you doing? Conferring? No, I'm just letting him know I got this shit locked. You guys are a good team. You remind me of the movie Twins.

I'm going to go with War of the Roses. Fuck me. There goes my lock. You had one movie and you thought you had a lock? No, I'm good. All right, so Matt? The Lorax. The Lorax? You son of a bitch.

Lorax. The Lorax? You son of a bitch. He hasn't been in many movies lately because he's busy with Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Which he's so funny on that. Such perfect casting. Anyway, do you want to throw a donut? Are you good?

Yes. Yeah, you can put one in the back. Oh, he's got jelly filled. Oh! You almost hit the guy who was hungry. So close. Chris? Get shorty. Yes.

Get him. Yes, Tate. Throw that donut. Here we go. Kate's throwing a donut. I call you Kate every time. It's Tate. Here we go. Kate's throwing a donut. I call you Kate every time. It's Tate. Nice.

I took your War of the Roses, Bert. Do you have something else ready to go? Yeah, it's pretty similar to that, Doug. I like to call it Romancing the Stone. Romancing the Stone. Romancing the Stone. I like it. You guys want to throw a donut?

Yeah, fuck yeah. Yeah. Oh! Deflected and then basically on the floor. No one's going to pick it up and eat it. The rats are going to eat it. I love it when people just pick it up and eat it. Oh, he ate it.

The comedy club floor donut. That was cool. Yeah. That was an interesting choice. Remincing the Stone helped me to remember Jewel of the Nile. Jewel. Matt.

Be cool, Doug. Be cool. He's in that one too? Okay. I love Get Shorty And Be Cool is so bad It's rough It's like it doesn't transfer to go

Now let's make it about the music industry And PG-13 Nice try Oh really? Yeah Wow you're an expert on that PG-13 shit Shit pisses me off man Yeah

Alright what do you got? Death to Smoochie Oh Tape Donut me off, man. Alright, what do you got? Death to Smoochie. Oh! Tate, donut. Yeah, I'll throw a donut. Tate. I love having a designated donut thrower.

Yeah! Yeah! Looks like a gentleman who appreciates a donut, too. Alright. This is really, we've made it pretty far. Bert looks like he's out. No. He's looking

to his partner. He's got a suggestion. Hey now. Don't say any of you guys. Shut up. I didn't hear it. I'm glad you didn't hear it. No, no, no. You heard it? There's no honor.

What did he say? What? Matilda. Don't do that. Yeah, Matilda, that's a fun one. So that's off the table. Good job, guy. Thanks a lot.

I don't know if I would have remember that but I do I do like it and him in it he's good at being terrible being an awful father I've got I've got one you think yeah yeah well it's one of two titles I'm going to go with going bananas. You're out. What is it called? It's my turn. Going ape. Fuck!

Fuck! I knew it was either going ape or going bananas. Fuck! I knew it was either going ape or going bananas. Fuck. God damn it. I'm definitely throwing a donut. Nice. He caught it. Good job. Okay, Matt.

What's the worst that could happen? Starring Martin Lawrence. Yeah, I was going to say, when you said what's the worst that could happen, I was like, just answer the question. Good job. You want to throw the last donut? Last donut, you guys. It's the messiest one, too. Covered in chocolate filled with cream.

Here we go. Aw, so sad. What a nice toss. Oh, shit. No, no more donuts. No donuts. Well, wait, what? There's more? Oh, my God. He is in a lot of movies.

Are there donuts in this stocking too? Is that what that is? Stockings full of donuts? They're just loose in the bottom of that big... Oh. And the box is taped. And now it begins. People are just going to sit and talk to us. Well, there's another box in there?

Yeah. What the fuck, man? I thought it was just like a weight. I'm getting so fat just from licking my fingers. I'm glad I don't have a weigh-in coming up. What are you looking up, Bert? I'm looking up Danny DeVito movies. That guy fucking works.

Holy shit. Yeah, he's made a few. All right, where are we at? Me. Chris? He's in the movie Heist. Heist? It's a David Mamet movie.

Gene Hackman. That's interesting. All right. Ricky Jay. Trust, guys. Sold, sold. And it's dope Mamet movie. Gene Hackman. Ricky Jay. Sold. Sold. And it's dope. See it. I'm going to go with Hoffa. Fucking really good. Really good, Doug. Alright, Matt.

Junior. Yes, of course. The sequel. The unofficial sequel to Twins. Chris. Chris. Uh-oh. He's using Tate. Come on, Tate. I think I'm out.

I can't think of a Danny DeVito movie. Was he a voice in... I wanted to hit that guy in the hat that's like looking at his phone or something. But I missed. You ready? One second. Snagged it out of the air.

Last second there, too. Nice job. That's pretty good. Was he a voice in Shark Tale? Yes. Yes, he was. What? Okay. I'll take it.

I don't give a fuck. It's called confidence. Be confident in your answers, people. I'm going to go with other people's money. Damn it. Wow. What do you got, Matt? All dogs go to heaven.

Oh, shit! Oh, there's one He was for sure in JFK No he wasn't We're out then Alright that means Matt Fernandez is our winner He ate the floor and I went to throw up.

Yeah, I ate it. I threw it at his seat. I reminded him that there's food out there in the world so he went out to get some. Thank you for participating all of you guys.

Good job, man. Thank you. I'll see you in 20 minutes. Give me your shithead off of there. Oh, you won. So you get all this stuff. And some of those donuts, too, if you want, because we've got so many donuts up here.

And give me your shithead there off the back there, Chris. Just give me the piece of paper. There you go. And do you got one there on the back of yours, Bert? Alright. Ruthless people. Ruthless people. There's lots of ones we missed. What else?

What are you yelling? You're just screaming at us. Rainmaker! Rainmaker! I have IMDB me, me too. Tinman, what? He's in Space Jam? Rainmaker, yeah. Man on the Moon, Man on the Moon. Taxi.

Taxi was Jimmy Fallon. Screwed with Norm MacDonald and Dave Chappelle. No! You guys sound like a bunch of animals. You guys all know a Danny DeVito movie. Good for you. You guys all know a Danny DeVito movie. Good for you.

Bert Kreischer. What do you got to plug, Bert? My Showtime special, our special, The Machine, is airing all month on Showtime. You can download the Showtime app for free and then use the 7-day trial, put in an email and a password and you will watch it for free. Find me on the road. Thomas Fapp.

Thanks, dude. Chris Crespo. Cinema Crespediso is the podcast. Thank you. Cinema Crespediso, guys. Check it out at ChrisCrespo.com. Hit me up on Twitter at IamChrisCrespo. We're also on iTunes and Stitcher. I mentioned this last time.

I'm going to mention it again. My homie still needs a kidney. Please go to KidneyForKevin.com. He's lined up to get a donor, which is awesome. But those kidney rejection, anti-rejection meds, even with insurance, come out to $4,000 per month for the rest of his life.

So he needs help. Kidney4Kevin.com. He would appreciate it. So would I. Yeah, that's great. Do that. And ChrisCresswell.com. Thank you guys. Thanks, Doug. I appreciate it, man. Matt, do you know anybody that needs a liver? Yeah, yours was so much better than mine.

You can go to mattfernandezworld.com, all my dates. I'll be at Sidesplitters in Tampa in March with Nick DiPaolo, and I'll be in Philly sometime in May. mattfernandezworld.com or at Fat Fernandez on Twitter. Yes. One more time for all of my guests, Bert Kreischer, Chris Crespo, and Matt Fernandez. Thank you.

Hey, Bert. Are you gonna, can you set up your merch and sell some shirts to these nice folks? Yeah! Hold on one second, I'll find out. All right. Be serious, raise your hand if you're gonna buy a shirt. I think there might be some buyers.

Alright, fuck it. I'll sell merch. Yeah, go set up out in the lobby. Yeah, it's a good way to get rid of him. Anytime Bert's getting on your nerves, say, Go sell some merch. Oh shit, there's still like three more donuts. Thank you so much to the Fort Lauderdale Improv, to all you guys for showing up. And as usual, my wife is a shithead. 2016 is a shithead.

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Go to jackthreads.com and enter the code Doug for 20% off anything you keep. See you next time. I mean, talk to you next time. You know what I mean. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you. Cause Doug loves movies.