Doug Loves Movies - Dan Van Kirk, Julian McCullough and Mark Cohen guest

Episode Date: January 29, 2019

Live from the Comedy Cellar at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas, Doug welcomes Dan Van Kirk, Julian McCullough and Mark Cohen to the show.You can find the entire archive of Doug Loves Movies on Stitcher Premium. For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code "DOUG."See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers screening baby sticky seeds With 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey, hey, hey everybody. My name is Doug and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies. Coming to you once again

for the second time from the Comedy Show at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. Nevada! I'm so excited, you guys. This is the perfect day for you to be here because we've got Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper and a piano, so they're going to do the song Shallow

and then Tiffany Haddish is going to be here. Bullshit! Bullshit will be here. If you like bullshit, that's going to be on the show as well. But yeah, lots of fun stuff going on in Vegas this weekend. I saw the Puddles Pity Party show. There's a guy over there who loves it. Saw it over at Caesars.

I don't know if I'm allowed to mention other hotels while I'm here but I enjoyed it very much but the guy doesn't talk he's a quiet clown so I don't need a fucking quiet clown on the panel I need loud clowns it's Sunday

January 27th, 2019. It's enough that you guys showed up today, to be honest with you. But did you have a chance to make some name tags? In fact, you did. Look at this. And they're all in a nice cluster up front. I already saw Ron Air on the internet. Very nice work there for

changing that from Con Air. Stan and Deliver. All you gotta do is erase the D and you're good. I like that. I like the way you did that. But these are all, they also have nice sized ones here. Except for Ready Player Johnner.

You guys make them big here in Vegas. I heart Chrisabees. I've seen that before, right? No? Okay. And also, you can talk when I speak to you. You're acting like you're a fucking quiet clown. And then Cara Bears. Very nice.

What does Swats mean with an S? His last name. Your last name is Swats? Yeah. Nice. What's your first name? Rick. Rick Swats.

Holy shit. Stay away from her, lady. Because Rick Swats. All right, you guys. I know what you're all thinking. Doug is really taking advantage of legal weed in Nevada. But I'm not so high that I would say Nevada. Ooh.

But thank you guys for bringing those name tags. Doug plugs. Tuesday night. That's this Tuesday, January 29th. Doug Loves Movies is back at UCB Franklin in Los Angeles. And then DLM is going to be at Hyena's in Dallas next Saturday at 420. That's February 2nd. A little pre-Super Bowl show. I'm doing stand-up and a Doug Loves Movies

at the Punchline in Sacramento, September 9 and 10. Both shows at 4.20. And Doug Loves Movies returns to Good Nights in Raleigh, North Carolina on Saturday, February 16th at 4.20. Lots of shows coming up. And for all the deets,

go to Douglovesmovies.com. That's Douglovesmovies.com! Yeah! Mrs. Swartz really led that charge. She really was the loudest

and the most ready for it. Thank you for that. I brought a prize bag, and I think you guys are going to go, wow, that was a bag full of things. He managed to get his hands on some stuff. No, there's some cool things in here. And then, you know, the usual silliness. Like the last city I was in with this show was Tacoma, Washington.

So I brought you a copy of their magazine, South Sound, which I don't know. I mean, it's a city that's in the north, so I don't know what that. What's that? Exactly. And then a fun shirt. It says WM and a little smiley under it. It's from my friends at Weed Maps. But it's subtle, so you can wear it, you know.

This next one, not so much. Here's a shirt I got at... Oh, where the fuck was I? I was at... Oh, the Emerald Cup. And somebody gave me this shirt that says, Trees are dope. Yep, that they are.

And this was weird. I got to meet Puddles after Puddles' pity party, and he had a friend from Scandinavia, I believe it was, who brings him stuff at his shows, and he regifted it to me, but she wrote on it, not vegan, but delicacy. Well, she said, but delicately, but she but delicacy. She said, but delicately,

but she meant delicacy. English isn't in her first language. But I have no idea what it is other than a very disgusting looking it's like the pies from you know, Sweeney Todd. It's like one of Mrs. Todd's pies.

Todd's pies. Yeah, so I don't know about it. It's got a heart on the front of it. And it's called Bunner Nustorte. I guess it's supposed to be like a tart or a tort. I think I'm allergic to it. Oh, wow. That sneeze went away.

Okay. So, all I'm saying is, whoever wins the prize bag today, please reach out and let me know that you're alive after trying this. Because I don't know what the fuck. I don't know how it stays fresh. I guess maybe it's on plastic inside. Or would it be more fun if I opened it and I made everybody on the panel eat some of it? Yeah!

All right, let's do that. Oh, these are just for me. I had some Fudge Stripe minis in the green room and didn't finish them. Doug loves movies. Sticker and perhaps the best, finest thing,

the pop vinyl company that makes pop vinyls, Funko or whatever they're called, they're in Tacoma, or at least somebody involved with them is in Tacoma, so they gave me a bunch of stuff, including a pop doll of Pennywise with teeth. They're very clear about that. It's the with teeth one. I guess there's another one where he has no teeth.

That's better for if you wanted him to blow you. I mean, those teeth, nobody's getting oral from that guy. And all of, oh, I almost put it over there. All of that stuff is in the prize bag, plus stuff brought by my three great guests, because they're all here in Las Vegas, and I asked them to join us, and they said yes. Please give it up for Mark Cohen, Julia McCullough,

and Dan Van Kirk. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE McCullough and Dan Van Kirk. Alright, let's meet them individually. Starting with the gentleman directly to my right, Mark Cohen is here. Hi, everybody. Every day. He's here every day. Every day, 7 and 9 o'clock. The house emcee here at the Comedy Cellar.

Who here has seen a show here before where Mark was hosting the show? So much fun, right? You're a great host and adequate guest and always thrilled to have you. Thank you. And to his right, I think I said Julia when I introduced

him. I hope no one is disappointed that the great Julia McCullough isn't here, but it's Julian McCullough isn't here, but it's Julian McCullough, everybody! Well, Julie McCullough is a real person. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

What does she do? Oh, the one that was... The growing thing. Yeah, she was the Playboy model that was dating... Well, I'm not a pervert. I know her from growing things. She was dating... Oh, yeah, that's less perverse.

She was dating Kirk Cameron. She was. And forced know her from growing up. She was dating... Oh, yeah, that's less perverse. She was dating Kirk Cameron. She was. And forced him into being reborn and the Jesus freak that he is today. I don't blame her. I don't blame her. He found out she did Playboy and got her fired from the show.

Yeah. Cool story. Hey. Kirk Cameron. Anyway, that's not me. Let's talk about Chachi. We can always rely on Mark to get the references back to the 70s where they belong.

Maybe an 80s reference. But yeah, you're right. Growing Pains was shortly after that. What's up, Julian? You're performing here. You've been here all weekend? Yes. Have you had a fun time doing these shows in Vegas? Yeah, I love it. I'm not a good person, so I love Vegas.

I never get sick of it. This is like my sixth week here. I'm just going to start looking at houses. Wait, you have a residency here? I would like one. At the Comedy Cellar? Yeah. I mean, that's the fun thing about this club, is every time you come, you're going to see

five comics plus Mark. And then there's... And then the other 80% is Julio. But no, they rotate people in. But every time you come by, you'll get to see people, a mix of people you've seen already and haven't. I mean, I don't know why I'm telling you guys this because most of you live here and figured out this is a cool club. Oh, yeah. I just realized I insulted

everybody in the crowd when I said I'm not a good person and I love it here. Sorry. I forgot you all live here. Yeah, but that's the thing. If you live here you're probably not tearing it up like you do when you come. Oh, that's right.

They got lives to lead, but here. And joining us, on the end, it's Mr. Dan Van Kirk, DVK! Hello, hello. What do you say, DVK? Not much, man. I'm a great rapper. What's going on?

How many podcasts do you have now? Seven. No, I have three great rapper. What's going on? How many podcasts do you have now? Seven. No, I have three. Currently. If you had seven, you wouldn't even be able to name them all. It's like the dwarves. It's true. Also, three still sounds like a joke answer for too many.

I know. But it's the truth. Well, just stay there, because I have four, and I want to be the most. You can have the most. I've never even listened to four, I don't think. No offense. Again, I insulted everybody. No.

What's going on, Dan? You did a show here in Vegas recently over at Dive Bar. I did. It was great. Thank you for anyone and everyone who came out to that. Not much. Rory Scovel and I are getting ready to start taking our show

Pen Pals on tour. Neat! Yeah, so on March 3rd we'll be, I know it's not plugs time, but we'll be doing a show in Houston. We're junior grand marshals of the Mardi Gras parade in Galveston, Texas, and then the next day we're going to do a live podcast

and probably talk just about that. Will you be bumped up to a senior if that person dies or is murdered? I think. Isn't that how the succession works? I never even heard of there being a junior grand marshal at a parade. Unless it's like a fucking kid

that they trot out. Well, we made it up. It's a dying child's wish to be the grand marshal and they're like, we'll make you junior It's a dying child's wish to be the Grand Marshal, and they're like, we'll make you Junior Grand Marshal. Let's not get crazy. The Grand Marshal is paunched from chips. We said we wanted a Grand Marshal parade,

so somebody said, I can get you into a black tie event slash debutante ball on a Friday, and then the next day you can be in the Mardi Gras parade with the Grand Marshal. And Rory and I said well then that makes us Junior Grand Marshals. It doesn't. Well it's gonna cause we're having sashes

made and we are gonna wear the same tux all weekend from Friday night until we record on Sunday in Houston. So that's gonna be fun. What are some of the responsibilities of the Junior Grand Marshal? I don't know, but we're going to shirk them all.

Waving and bead tossing, I guess, right? Yeah. What do you guys got for the prize bag? Who wants to go first? I do. What do you got, Dan? I wanted to buy a gift certificate for the winner today to this very location, but then I started wondering, I don't know if they even offer that or if it's possible, so I'm just going to put the cash equivalent of that amount of gift certificate into the prize bag.

Here's the thing. Promise me you'll use it here. He's giving you comedy seller bucks. They're not good anywhere else. They're not transferable. These are comedy seller bucks. CCBs. You can have these CCBs

if you win today because I wanted to, I love people who come out and see live comedy so I just wanted to promote you to come back and do more of that. So you'll have this today. Now, if there's two winners... This guy says he's going to put the 20 on black. No, no. Don't pick his name tag,

this son of a bitch. He doesn't get how this works. If there's a tie, we'll split it. What is it, 20 bucks? Yep. You get to see me. Yeah. And then they have to leave.

Oh, it's 100 bucks to see the five comics? Yeah, it's 20 bucks. 120? 20 bucks a copy. All right, it's $100 to see the five comics? $120? $20 a copy. All right, it's going in the bag. And what do you have for us, Julian? Well, I promised myself that I would donate all my winnings from this weekend to the prize bag. So whoever wins owes me $2,000.

Sorry about that, you guys. It's a hell of a gift bag. No, I forgot. So I'm going to buy you a Comedy Cellar t-shirt. Here's why that's good. There's a couple of reasons. One, you don't have to promise to make it a Comedy Cellar t-shirt. It already fucking says it on there.

Two, you can pick your size. Huh? Come on. Usually people just bring an extra large and go, fuck you. But not me. We're going to figure out what you are and then give you that one. Very nice. I like customized prizes.

I wish more of my guests would do that instead of bringing something cool. All right, Mark really did bring something cool. I brought something cool. I think it's very cool. I don't know how to describe it. It's an NFC ring. So you can pay your bills at the store and stuff like that, huh?

The fucking best gift here. NFC ring? Yeah. No. Is that right? NFC? Not NFL. Who's a computer guy?

Is it NFC? Near field communication, like Bluetooth. It's like a Bluetooth, but it's in a ring. Oh, I literally thought it was a football ring. Thank you, miss. If you're a 13. Yeah, it's a big-ass ring. Or if you have a small penis.

Sir, please stop trying to pay for your Fritos like that. Yeah, please remove. I mean, it's just a metal ring, right? Do you have instructions or anything? You'll have to... Why do you think I'm fucking giving it away? You have to download the app, right? Yeah, but what's

the app called? It's called the NFC... You can find it. Okay. Use the ring. You gotta use the ring to find it.

Doug, does it fit? Does it fit you? I think you just have to type in myprecious.com It doesn't fit. It's way too big. If I knew we could bring fake stuff, I would you just have to type in myprecious.com. Yeah. I'm lost. It doesn't fit. It's way too big.

If I knew we could bring fake stuff, I would have just brought a ball bearing and been like, it's a credit card. Trust me. That's real. Just got to go to the app. I brought this comedy stool. All right, so here's a weird pie from,

I don't even want to fuck it up and say the wrong place that it's from, but it's called... You have a pie? Or a tart? I don't know. But also, check out the difference between the picture on the box

and the real thing. The heart is a lot less prominent on the real deal, but it is there, kind of. And I don't know what's in it. I think it's got meat in it. It looks like a meat pie. Yeah, so does anybody want to take a bite of meat pie?

I'm thinking that's supposed to get cooked. Oh, really? Look at the box. It'll tell you what it is. Well, it's a pie. No, it doesn't. What do you mean, look at the... It's in foreign letters and words. They don't even have ovens. Yeah, look at that.

Yeah. What does it say on there? Zuccar. Oh, okay. Zuccar is in there. I don't know what's in there. Did we start your eating podcast? But that is a good point. Maybe it is something you're supposed to heat up.

Spinach? I just forgot. My white male just took over and I was like, give me that. I'll read it. And then realized it's totally in another language and I have no idea what that is. Oh, I just see natroplan. It looks like meat, definitely.

It looks like spinach. Yeah. You know, Doug, just throw it at somebody. Does it got a temperature? Food profile. Oh, it got a temperature? Food profile. Oh, it's a food profile. That's the same in English, kind of. It doesn't look like there's

cooking instructions. There's no numbers. Did somebody here bring it? No, I got it from Puddles the Clown. Fuck it. Oh, in that case, let me have a bite. Cool. It's made of children. Makes you Cool. It's made of children. Oh, my God.

Makes you cry. It's made of tears. Tears and pain. I'll eat it. I don't give a shit. Are we eating it? Excellent ponch reference. But yeah, I don't think it should be heated up.

No? Okay. I mean, it feels dessert-y. You just eat it. Oh. But I'm not sure. It's a dessert meat pie. It's not vegan.

I know that. It is weird looking. Julian, are you going to take a bite. But I'm not sure. It's a dessert meat pie. It's not vegan. I know that. It is weird looking. Julian, are you going to take a bite? I'll take a bite. Julian will take a bite. If it was something that you had to heat up, wouldn't it also be something you should be refrigerating? And they gave this gift to puddles like,

this is just something that you can just take it and do what you want with it. And did you steal it from puddles? No, he gave it to me because who wants this? Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Does anybody speak Zucker? Yeah.

Zukor? Yeah. Does anybody speak in the Dutch? It looks more like the... It smells all right. Okay. It looks like the... Look, as someone who eats what I eat, I can't be like, oh, I wouldn't eat that. What's the name of the hockey team there?

It's heavy. Hockey puck. Yeah. It's really heavy. Yeah, that's meat. Or spinach. Yeah, just go ahead. Or I need to work out.

Just take a bite out of it. Tell us what you think. For real? Yeah. This is a good crossover plug for my other podcast, Dining with Doug and Karen, or Dining with DNK. Dining, not dying. Well, he might be dying.

I don't know. It's definitely meat, but is it good meat? That is a unrecognizable smell. I have no, I'm no closer to knowing what's in this. After opening it and smelling it. For the listener at home,

it looks like a grandma made a sloppy joke. What's your schedule tomorrow? All right, somebody take their phone out and just put 9-1 and then wait. Oh, it's a dessert! It's a dessert! It's not meat? Those are's a dessert. Yeah. Is it good? Is it meat?

Those are some sweet nuts. Oh. Mark, would you like some? No. I'm fucking eating this. I can tell Dan doesn't want any. No, I'm good. It's really good.

Do you want to try it? No, I don't want to try it. Can I get a hazelnut coffee? That's why I started to get you guys. I wonder what John Wayne Gacy gives away. I would like to see Julian eat that entire thing between now and the end of this episode. That's too much to ask. That's your swag.

That could be your gift. I just ate a huge piece of pizza before I got here. Or I would have eaten this whole thing. You said it was dessert. It's tasty enough that you eat the whole thing. You said it was dessert. It's tasty enough that you'd eat the whole thing. I mean, for money. Oh, okay. But you're saying...

To get Dan's 20 bucks, you'd eat the whole thing? Yeah. It's not fit for a junior grand marshal, is what you're saying. I do need something to drink. Is there anybody? No, no. I think they're close. All right, well...

Yeah, I mean, we're in a casino in Vegas in a showroom. I wonder if there are beverages anywhere. Do you want a water? Guess we'll never know. Somebody could maybe help you out with that. Is a half-drink water for an audience member? No, thank you.

It's not an emergency. Do you want alcohol? Sure. Okay, so tell them specifically what you want. So now I have to tell them what I want? Well, hopefully somebody will listen. Can I have a vodka soda, please? Thank you.

I don't even know if that's a... Oh, great. Thank you. Yeah. It's a doorman, but that's cool. Oh, no, that's the junior grand wizard of the... That's the senior. Las Vegas. The senior grand wizard.

Hooray. And I just insulted them. This is fucking good. Oh, okay. Maybe he will eat it. I'm happy that you like it. Oh, Dan's in now. Dan's trying it. Get it, dude. Right? It's like a...

Almost like a baklava. Yeah, I'd eat that. You are eating it. Again. Oh, okay. Alright. Alright, well you guys can fight over it later. Go outside with it and get attacked by birds. That is sweet. Holy shit. This is somebody's favorite thing.

It is a delicately. That's what I say after every time I have sex. Zucar might be sugar then, right? I point at the lady and I go, this is someone's favorite thing. Zucar is sugar of it. Right? Yeah.

Because it's sweet. But Puddles puts on a great show if you get a chance to see him somewhere. He has a residency here at Caesars for a few more shows, but he travels all over the place and it was a wonderful time but now I have a question for each of you thank you Olga oh here we go oh oh I didn't sorry no no it's

fine you're hosting I just thought that was I just thought mine just had a baby I thought mine just reproduced. And I get two. How is it? Is it strong? Oh, I didn't taste it yet. You're like Alec Baldwin paying me to eat a steak in front of you. Nobody got that reference? Yeah, what was that in?

30 Rock. He can't eat steak anymore, so he pays Liz Lemon, I don't know, 100 bucks to eat a steak and he just watches her eat it. And I't know if that's like a common thing that rich people do but I saw it and I was like that makes absolute sense to me I would 100 pay someone to eat something for me okay next reference you make I'll just let it pass hope there's some listener that gets it.

It is strong, yes, it's strong. All right, cool. It's good. Daniel. Yeah. What was the last movie you saw? I re-watched Hereditary. Oh.

Have you seen it, Doug? I did, and re-watching it's not on my schedule. I watched it. It's very well done for whatever that was but it's fucked up it is fucked up but Toni Collette should have been nominated for an Oscar she should have but then a lot of people would have had to sit through that movie

in order to give her that award it's rough but she does a great job. She does an amazing... It's a very, very good movie. It's very well made. I didn't think this would happen. I watched it with a comedy friend of ours,

Ryan Singer, and I didn't think that you'd really pick up anything new watching it again, but you see a lot more of how much Tony Collette is... I don't want to give anything away. Is snubbed.

Yes, that's very, very true. So I really enjoyed it, and I'm glad that I watched it again. But it is very fucked up. All right, follow that, Julian. I've been wanting to see it. On a scale of 1 to 10, how scary is it? I'd give it like an 8. Wow.

Yeah, on a scale of 1 to 10, how boring are the parts that aren't scary? There aren't many of those, actually. If you say so. It's over two hours long. Oh, you disagree with me? A little bit. Okay. Julian? I like that. Okay. Julian?

Yes? Last movie you saw? I don't even want to talk about it. It was so... I haven't seen that. But I'm just like the worst guest ever. Yeah, I don't feel like talking about it. That just sounds like one of those titles.

Lately, there's been so many titles like, Sorry to Bother You, Can You Ever Forgive Me? I don't want to talk about it. lately there's so many titles like sorry to bother you will you ever for can you ever forgive me i don't want to talk about it these are not things you should be asking the person in the box office remember what's the worst that could happen yeah you know they gave up on it for a while after that one but now it's back phrases don't worry he won't get far on foot And it's not a western Shut up! Wait, that's a real title? Don't worry, he won't get far on foot?

Jesus Christ It was Joaquin Phoenix's follow up After You Were Never Really Here And then of course He finally made some sense when he made The Sisters Brothers It's fucked up as well I read the book And then, of course, he finally made some sense when he made The Sisters Brothers. Yes. Oh, I haven't seen that yet, but I have the screener. It is fucked up as well.

I read the book. Anyway. Oh, so A Map of the Stars or whatever, that Netflix original movie by Cronenberg. Really? Yes. I mean, that whole thing sounds made up. Did I make that up?

Fault of Our Stars? No, that's the last movie you watched. No, it's like the first choice on Netflix originals. It's got Julianne Moore. It's the first choice for you. You realize that, right? What? It's not the same for everybody?

It's right next to Little Boy Blue. Yeah, so... That explains all the Ernest movies that keep showing up in the front of my... right next to Little Boy Blue. Yeah, so, but you liked it? That explains all the Ernest movies that keep showing up in the front of my... I didn't even know he saved Christmas. Thank God. How did he save it?

Ernest goes to a different camp? They were running out of stuff. Anyway, okay, it's Cronenberg, so it's creepy, right? different camp? They were running out of stuff. Anyway. Okay. It's Cronenberg, so it's creepy. Right? And it's about a Hollywood family with a lot of money because the kid is like an agent Cody Banks.

I forgot the real kid's name. He's an Asian Cody Banks? No. Frankie Munoz? Yeah, Frankie Munoz type. Where it's like he's a star of a he's a vehicle for a franchise and he's really famous and a millionaire but he's like 12. And his parents

are trying to protect that career but he's like super disturbed and it comes out that they have a sister that they had to get rid of because she is schizophrenic and tried to burn the house down. Now it sounds like a Cronenberg movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That first part, not so much. I'm not going to recap the plot because that's boring,

but it's got that weird Netflix thing where it's like the lighting doesn't feel right or something, you know what I mean? Am I crazy? Where it doesn't feel like a real movie, it feels like your friend made a movie. Well, not your friend. Your friend David Cronenberg.

Mark made a movie. And it just tries to be really disturbing and have a tragic ending Well, not your friend. Your friend's actually making movies. Your friend David Cronenberg. Mark made, friends made a movie. Yeah. And it's just like, tries to be really disturbing and have a tragic ending and it's just really bizarre. And I'll give one spoiler. A dog gets shot.

So I know people are sensitive about that. Okay, now don't need to watch it at all. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, has anyone seen this movie? You sure it's not

a Wes Anderson movie? Because that guy fucks with dogs. He says, I love dogs. Oh, you saw it? But he fucks with dogs. It wasn't good. It was one of those movies where you're like 40% in and you're like, fuck this movie.

I'm watching the whole thing. It's like daring you to stop watching it the whole time and you're like, nice try, Cronenberg. I'm sitting through this entire piece of shit. Craziest part is the 12-year-old is played by... Ah, fuck it. I was like, I'll have a name by the end of this sentence. The 12-year-old is played by Christian Bale.

The makeup's incredible. He lost 40 years. I'll just tell my producers to edit that so the funny one comes first. To give one credit to it, Julianne Moore is amazing in it. And it's so weird when an actor is amazing in an otherwise terrible movie.

You mean like Hereditary? I don't know. I didn't see it. Yeah. No, that does happen. I'm glad you watched the whole thing. Good for you. Mark? Actually, today I watched the movie.

Are you supposed to do the last movie you watched? Yeah. Get Hard. I have no idea how I ended up there. Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart. Kevin James. No, Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart. Kevin James. No, Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart.

Kevin James. I like the scene where Kevin James is playing all the different thugs on the... Kevin Hart. What's the other movie that's like a rip? I mean, it's from a rip off of everything. Right, yeah. It was a little too similar to something else, but it was also like, you know... Cool Hand Luke? of everything. Right, yeah. It was a little too similar to something else, but it was also like, you know, everyone's sort of over

the humor of, oh, he's going to prison so he's going to get ass raped. Like, that's the joke of the movie. That's just the one joke they repeat over and over again. Pounding the fist

into the hand. But it does have some funny parts. And everything ends up all right, too. Yeah. Everything ends up perfectly all right.

Yeah, that rich asshole doesn't end up... Oh wait. Oh and he almost blows somebody. Right after shooting a dog. Oh come on! That's what I'm going to do now when I think a movie's bad and you guys shouldn't see it. I'm just going to say a dog dies in it and a lot of people just dip right there.

Four paws. Alright. I got a new thing I want to do. It's new-ish. We've done it a few times. And it's a pre-game game, so it doesn't really matter how you guys do. So we're about to have pre-fun? Yes.

Cool. Yeah, this is the fun before the game fun. And you guys listen to the show maybe or whatever. It's called First Impressions. And the idea is that each of you, I'm going to count down from there and go three, two, one. And each of you name an easily, not necessarily easily, but an interesting voiced celebrity. Could be somebody that's already in your repertoire,

but it could also just be, just name somebody randomly, and then we'll see what happens. Because then all four of us are going to try to do very short impressions. One word or a sound, and sometimes with a setup. You know, like my classic. Christopher Walken finding out his flight has been delayed.

Why? It's that easy. It's that easy to do impressions sometimes. We have to come up with a setup, too. If you're thinking one, yeah. Have you heard my Christopher Walken show, The Walken Dead? And he's a zombie that just goes,

brains! Brains! Yeah, that's perfect. That's exactly it. Well, that's mine. That's exactly it. Well, that's mine now. No, you gotta do more. I burned it? The idea is to push ourselves to do impressions

because it just takes somebody pointing out that sound that somebody makes and you go, oh, now I know how to do it. Like Becky Robinson taught me how to do, what's her name from I always can't think of her name Jennifer Coolidge from the Pretty in Pink movies. Oh, yeah.

And the great Christopher Guest movies. How do you do it? It's just this easy. Oh, wow. That's great. That's great, Doug. All I had to do was hear somebody do that. So, ready? You each got one in mind?

Yep And say it at the same time and we'll sort it out 3, 2, 1 Sam Elliott Okay, we got Christopher Lloyd The Kool-Aid Man The Kool-Aid Man Doesn't he just say one thing?

Yeah, he just says, oh yeah Do him at the airport Yeah Doesn't he just say one thing? Yeah, he just says, oh, yeah. Do him at the airport. Yeah. Oh, no. Your flight's been delayed. Oh. And what was yours, Dan? Sam Elliott.

Oh, beautiful. Is that Sam Elliott on his shirt? Yeah, it is. That's Ric Flair, brother. Is that true? But Sam Elliott in, or? Yeah, it is. That's Ric Flair, brother. Is that true? But Sam Elliott in, or rather Bradley Cooper in Star Wars War, to me, he's just like, well, I want to sound like Sam Elliott in this movie, so I might as well just hire him to be in the movie and then just do an impression of him to his own fucking face. And that's really what he did. Yeah.

It is legitimately what he was trying to do. Is he doing Eddie Vedder or something, supposedly? No, he's doing Sam Elliott. I heard he was doing Eddie Vedder. He's just very Sam Elliott sounding. I'll do a real one. What do you mean? You want to change your Kool-Aid man?

I'm not going to do the Kool-Aid man. You're going to change from Kool-Aid man? He's not a real actor. I'm taking the Kool-Aid man, then. I mean, I'm changing from Christmas. I'm getting excited about the challenge. This is one of my favorite things in life life when a comedian bails on a bit. What?

No, I love it. I already did the bit. I know, I know, but now you're like, I'm not really doing it. I don't want to go all the way to the wall with this. Or bust through it. Yeah, come on. That's fucking gold.

Do Cronenberg. No, I'll do... That is messed up to say you're going to do an impression of him right in front of a brick wall. People really do want you to smash through it. No, I'll do Anthony Hopkins. Oh, this is a real brick. Okay.

So, Anthony Hopkins. Oh, yeah. And what was yours, Dan? Sam Elliott. Sam Elliott. All right. So, has anybody got any one of those? Yeah.

I've got it. Christopher Lloyd. I thought we were supposed to do something that made a noise was the thing. Yeah, he does make good noises, so that is a good one. This is Christopher Lloyd being told

after he hears that he has dementia. Ha! That's great. Wait, do we have to take turns Or can we just go Yeah we'll have to go in order This is Sam Elliott being asked how he feels About no one showing up

To his birthday party I'm sad I'm sad I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad. I can almost see the giant mustache. I'm sad. I just get lost in that thing.

It hurts. It's just half yawn. I'm hurting right now. I'm sad. It's hypnotic. I'm sad. You got one, Mark? Oh, I'll do Christopher Lloyd in a musical.

Oh, I love it. I've never done it. Okay, L-A-H-O. I couldn't spell Oklahoma. It was good, though. What's after okay? Okay, H-A. Hey, hey. No, what is it?

H-A-O-K. Okay. It's perfect. That's Christopher Lloyd with dementia trying to do Oklahoma. But Marcus, for a long time, I've known you are, you do very quick impressions of some people. What's your Elvis one?

You know what I do? Do fucking Elvis. I just asked you. You know the bit. Elvis Presley as a premature ejaculator. Thank God it's a physical thing. Oh, you have to stand up? Yeahaculator. Thank God it's a physical bit. Oh, you have to stand up? Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's a one. Oh, Jesus. All right, there it is, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. All over my blue suede shoes. Because I love it. It would be funny, too, if you got to two.

Oh, shit. You just really wrap it up quick. Yeah, because also, can I do the setup, and then you just do it up quick. Yeah, because also, can I do the setup and then you just do it? Sure, all right. Robert De Niro, is your, what is he? You name it.

As a lamb? As a shepherd? As a shepherd. No, but what's the one you always do? A little Jewish boy? A little Jewish boy. De Niro's a little Jewish boy.

Jew caught my pee-pee. All right, thank you. For all the people that... If you're listening at home, point. Jewel caught my pee-pee. All right, thank you. For all the people that... If you're listening at home, he did the face, too. The face is really what you need to see. Robert De Niro as Hitler. Oh, I love it. Jewel. Thank you, man.

Very proud. Jewel. Jewel. All right, which one haven't we done yet? Did we not do one? We haven't done Anthony Hopkins. Oh, Jordan. All right, which one haven't we done yet? Did we not do one? We haven't done Anthony Hopkins. Oh, yeah.

Really, he's just an accomplished actor and a sophisticated guy. So you got to just do a perfect British accent, basically. So Anthony Hopkins, right? Hello! Hello! That was eerie. This is Anthony Hopkins eating soup.

Wait, I got one. Christopher Lloyd after taking a sip of Dewars. Great scotch! I'm going to steal that one. I do Sean Connery singing Marcy Playground. I smell section candy.

Oh. That's the Chicago way. The Chicago way. That's the Chicago way. All right, and finally, this is Kool-Aid Man. As a little Jewish boy. Yeah, I don't know what else to do with Kool-Aid Man,

but that was a fun round of first impressions. Yeah. Nice work. It's over. And I got another five minutes tonight. Yeah, you added some more bits. Just added some more impressions. We're all going to do the great scotch joke.

Great scotch. Great scotch! They, great scotch. Ah. They should just do that ad. Why don't we, I got one. Why don't we do the impression and they guess who it was and the setup.

Oh. How's that for a fucking twist? Who's they? I don't know. If there were people here. You talk. Who's they? How stoned are you?

Those are people here? No, I just meant, I don't want to open a response up to the entire audience. Although this is a pretty chill crowd. This is a crowd. Yeah, this is a good, you guys are great. You're the best. How about the only people to get to guess

are those two guys that have definitely been to prison? Oh, that's interesting. Only one of them looked over his shoulder. So that's the guy that went to prison. All right, so do you have one that people can guess? I mean, the rest of us on stage could guess after you do it. Oh, yeah, that's probably better. I've been podcasting for 42 years.

Really? I know you got another one. I know you got another one. I read the news today. Oh, boy. Oh, that's Bing Crosby singing A Day in the Life by the Beatles. Pretty good. Oh, boy. Not my Chachi impression. singing a day in the life by the Beatles and I hope my chocolate my chocolate impression but let's charge his real

name I get the Scott mr. cha cha cha bio brains all right we have a bit yeah yeah yeah yeah well but now. Yeah. Hold it. But now's the part of the show where I told Bert Kysher to turn it off because I'm going to say, let the games begin! Yeah, baby. He doesn't like the game part. I love the game part. That's what we're here for.

80% of it. We got somebody already. Wow, these are great. Somebody's already appealing to. 80% of it. We got somebody already. Somebody's already appealing to Dan's sense of loyalty or something by yelling out. I mean, I already went after Prison Guy. You probably have a name. What's your name? What's your name, Prison Guy? It's Stan.

It's Stan and Deliver. And he definitely made me a wonderful poster with my Alright, well yeah. Go select your posters and we'll go to a brief commercial message. Hey, no sponsors

this ep. I just wanted to take a second to say that there's going to be a Helium Comedy Club in Indianapolis. I'm sure it'll always be a gas, but specifically on March 23rd and 24th, Saturday and Sunday at 420.

First day is a stand-up show. Second day, Doug Loves Movies. Hope to see you there. Lots of dates, lots of shows coming up. Trying to get to see all of you out there. But now, back to the show. All right, we're back. Come on, these people.

We're back, and Dan chose the lady that just straight up said, I'm a big fan, Dan. No, that's what she said out loud to him a minute ago while you were sitting here next to me. She also helped us figure out how that weird-ass ring worked. Yeah, she did. So what's her name, Dan? I don't know.

Tony. What's your name? Montoni Python and the Holy Grail. And that's it. A lot of glitter. And that's why you picked it? Because she just told you to pick it? I just wanted to be nice.

You'd be a terrible Price is Right model. Well, I got the looks. Yeah, no, that's true. Who are you playing for, Julian? I'm playing for... He made a poster for Stan and Deliver from the movie Stand By Me.

I like how... I would have taken it. If that was true, I would have taken it. Yeah, you could have gone Stand By Me. You'd have gotten picked automatically by me had you gone that route. It's an amazing poster. He used my image from my Comedy Central record

that I never put out. It says, Terrific, tremendously gripping and compelling. More exciting than La Bamba. Benson gives a wonderful performance. So you're good in it. I mean, I look super sketchy in that picture. La Bamba, yeah. I like it. Good job. Yeah. I mean, I look super sketchy in that picture. La boba, yeah.

I like it. Good job. What do you got, Mark? Herpes. No. You know what? This is pretty cool. It says Ron Air, and it's got all our pictures.

It's got Doug and Shmug and Spook and me with the long hair. But you know what's weird? You mentioned Ponch before. Uh-huh. And Eric Estrada is on here for no reason, right? Why would you put what's weird? You mentioned Ponch before. And Eric Estrada is on here. For no reason, right? Why would you put Eric Estrada? He's not in the real con air.

That is weird. It is weird, right? That he changed that, yeah. Isn't the saying coincidence isn't chance? It's God giving you a high five or some shit like that? I'm paraphrasing. And did you usually just leave Dave Chappelle on there? Or did you change him to somebody else?

No, that's me. No, that's Leo Flowers, really. They changed it to Bill Cosby. Poor choice. All right, well, good job, Ron. Yeah, that's nice, Ron. And yeah, we'll talk to you again later. For reasons we'll find out soon. Good old Ron.

We're going to start with a game. How are we doing on time, by the way? Stan used real foam core. Stan used real foam core. This is really nice. I wish more of the guests would get into the details of the craftsmanship. Because I legit do get messages from people sometimes.

Hey, I'm coming to your show. What's all this name tag business about? I'm like, you listen to the show and you can't figure that out? They're like, no, what's happening? I'm sorry, man. I thought it sounds fairly clear to me. Let's play How long is it?

Ooh Yeah I'm gonna name a thing You guys each get to guess how long it is Okay Closest Closest without going over wins Alright

Yeah Fair enough The thing we're going to play with today... That doesn't sound right. I guess we find out the... Last time I played, I got exactly right.

The question was, how long was Tom Hanks stuck on that island? Oh. How long was it? Four years. That's really sad. Yeah.

That's too long. It is very long. Welcome back to Long Talk with Julian and Daniel. He might have missed out on an entire presidency. Like for the rest of his life. Yeah, I don't know that president.

I was on an entire presidency. Like, for the rest of his life. Yeah, I don't know that president. I was on an island. Skating. Yeah, skating. That's a reference to the ice skate that floats up on the beach and then he uses it to fix his teeth. That guy was really resourceful. Very resourceful.

I would like to see a movie called Castaway. It's about some asshole who just dies after two days. And then the rescue ship comes on day three. He died already? No, it pulls in as he's dying. It's a real weird ending. Did you just sing into the shallow? If a guy or woman was suicidal

and landed on a deserted island, would they just let it go? No. Right? I thought you were trying to make a Frozen reference. Well, I kind of did. For some reason, I think it'd be really fun to do that with a goth kid.

I think a goth kid getting stranded on a desert island. Because it's hard to be depressed and sad and survive. Yeah, and you can't stay in those black clothes because it's just too hot. Yeah. Like, how committed are you? Are you still goth when no one's looking? Yeah. I thought you said

golf kid. No. Golf kid, yeah. Does he have his club? There's plenty of food with the golf kids. Just like, fuck, get away. I don't want food. Leave me alone. He just, he spells leave me alone in the sand. I love this black beach.

Okay. How long is it? This time it's how long is Tom Hanks' co-star in The Money Pit, Shelley Long? So what we're looking for here, according to some website, I found out how tall she is. How tall is Shelley Long? We'll start with Mark. Just guess how tall you think Shelley Long is. 5'4".

Okay. What do you think, Julian? 5'7". Wow, you guys are really hitting the numbers that seem about right, Dan. Shelly Long is 5'5". Oh. Threads the needle.

Yeah, but now I'm confused. What did you say, Mark? Don't change it. 5'4. Okay. Julian? 5-7. 7. And Dan goes 5-5. So you've got to go 5-6.

Well, he knows the answer. Oh, you know the answer. Yeah. Some of these games would take a long time if you didn't. This dessert pie is really getting to me. long time if you didn't. This dessert pie is really getting to me. What if

it had weed in it and it wasn't on the... It's on there. It says it. We just can't read. That's why all the writing is in green. I mean, is it okay if I bring Shelley Long out here and we measure her oh my god

that would be weird right well we are in Vegas it's like kind of possible right I'd be like Shelley Long get up here in the Shelley Shelley Long I didn't get it just a combination of cultural references oh I should say It's Shelly Long. I didn't get it.

Just a combination of cultural references. Oh, I should say, you guys know Bradley Cooper was on stage with Gaga last night, right? Oh, I didn't see that movie. Yeah, that really happened. That's why I said he was going to be on this show. But instead, we have a raccoon. All right. So we have 5-4, 5-5. No, I have 5-4. 5-5.

No, I'm 5-7. You're still doing Christopher Walken. 5-5. It's a good guess. And then 5-6. I'm 5-7. Because the answer is 5-6. Exactly. Yeah, the answer is 5-6.

So Dan is our winner. Thank you. Great job, Dan. Oh, he didn't go over. Did he just Jedi mind trick you? No. Just because the answer is 5'6", and he said, the answer is 5'6". No, it is.

It says 5'6". All right. Do you guys want to guess Tom Hanks' height? Oh, I'm going with 5'4". Tom Hanks is 6'2". Oh, Tom Hanks. I thought you meant Tom Cruise. 5'11". I'm going to change. Tom Hanks is 5'11". Can I change?

Because I really thought it was Tom Cruise. Tom Hanks is 5'10". I said 5'11". You're getting us 5'10". I said 5'11". You're terrible at this. No, you could have went over. Isn't that Price is Right

rules? Isn't Price is Right? No, no. Julian, don't get sucked in. You got it right. Okay, yeah, yeah. Alright, what is it again? I mean, this doesn't mean anything. He said 6'2", which is ridiculous. I know Peter Scaleri's height.

Is that his name? Is that his name? Is that his name? Oh, is that the other bosom buddy? It's the bosom buddy, yeah. What are you, 6'2", 6'3", Julian? I don't care what they say, this is my height. 6'2", 6'2". All right, what is it again? What did you guys say?

6'2 I said 6'1 Uh-huh Oh, you said 6'1? I think you said 6'2 No, he's changed it He said 6'2 6'2

He said 6'2 He said 5'11 I said 5'11 And I said 5'10 and a half For some stupid reason I said 5'11 because Tom Hanks is everyone's dad And my dad is 5'11 So he's gotta be

Oh, okay How tall are you, Julian? How tall are you? 6'1 Oh And what'd you say, Mark? 5'4 5'10 and a half Oh, 5'11". How tall are you, Julian? 6'1". What did you say, Mark? 5'4". Oh, 5'10".

Wait. So you said 5'11"? I said 5'11". All right. You win, Julian. Yay! He's six feet tall. Oh.

He probably got up in his tippy toes. He should have been a dollar. He should have been 5'11". Yeah. Should have went the other way. All right, so, but who really won that game? Who won the first round? Dan?

I did, yep. Dan is our winner. Dan gets to go first in the next game. Oh, shit. And it's a little something that we like to call Last Man Stanton. Yeah. This is for all the Marbs today.

This is going to be Marbs today This is gonna be Whoever wins this The person they're playing for is gonna go home With this bag of stuff Wait, this is it? We're done? I mean, we have a whole game to play Okay I have abandonment issues That's like a guy walking around the field during the fourth quarter.

So we're done? Do we have to play this one as well? Weren't those three really enough? Or you mean you're sad. I'm sad. You wanted to keep going. I thought that we were going to do a lot more. Well, if we have more time at the end, we can play a little something.

But I made a bad judgment call and cut the first game because it felt like it would take too long to do. So now here we are. Okay. You could probably put it again. A little behind the scenes action. No, I really can't put it back in again.

I mean, unless we have a lot of time at the end. But they run a tight ship here at the Comedy Cellar. They've got a 7 o'clock show tonight, so we have to be out of here by 8. You guys, so far, he's put 20 bucks in. He's given away a T-shirt. We could just have this still going while I do my set on the first show.

Nobody would know. And in the background, you guys are still here. I would love that. I'm guessing your set opens with oh yeah okay no that's not the you bark dude mark dude de niro is christopher ll Niro as a zombie Christopher Lloyd as a Jew Harvey Harvey Why does it always have to be

As a Jew with you I know two things Jewish and getting high All my jokes are fucking About Jews getting high Who's the most famous Jewish stoner You

I'm not A stoner Famous Jewish stoner? You. I'm not a stoner. Famous Jewish stoner? Sammy Davis Jr. No, Robert Mitchum. I think he did Coke. Robert Mitchum? Robert Mitchum did alcohol.

Tony Bennett. Tony Bennett? Are these real Jews? No. I've got to listen to those Adam Sandler songs again. Are these real Jews? Oh, Seth Rogen. Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

You win nothing. In that case, I'll go with Arthur Fonzarelli. And not to blow up his spot, but if Mark were more famous, it would be Mark Cohen. It would be him, yeah. He'd be the most famous. I quit smoking, actually. What? At 2 o'clock this afternoon. Oh. When are you going to smoking, actually. At 2 o'clock this afternoon.

When are you going to start up again? At 5 o'clock. Well, that's past, but your intentions were good. Doug, be honest. Is this the best Doug Loves Movies you've ever done? It's definitely top 400.

And there's thousands of them, so it's really quite an honor. I'll take it. You've got thousands of them? No, I'm having a great time. Yeah, it's been going for like 12 years or so. There's only a few I regret. You're going to work the kinks out.

But generally, I don't know until the end. So this might be one of them. But we're going to play the kinks out. But generally I don't know until the end. So this might be one of them. But we're going to play Last Man Stanton. I go to audience members for help on this because I like to play along. So that's why we need the time for this game because it takes a little while. It's the game where we take turns naming people,

naming movies that a certain person was in. So I'll get a name from an audience member, and we'll all decide if we want to use that name because sometimes people are like, just give us a ridiculous name that none of us know what they were in. It was two names for something. Well, I add another name when the first name sucks.

We had three names in Vegas last time? Yeah, it was too much. How long have you guys been out of prison? Hey! Hey! Ron? That's my guy. You knew his name was Ron from the name tag? Alright, so

What was I? You're going to what's your hosting a pod? You're going to get a name. Oh, we're going to get a name from somebody. This is called Douglas movies. First, you walk out. Then where is music comedy tweet? Where's he at?

There you are. How's it going, dude? What's your at? There you are. How's it going, dude? What's your name? Jeff. And you reached out to me. You and I were going back and forth about Puddles, right? Puddles Pity Party. He wrote to me on Twitter.

He goes, hey, do you want to go with me to see Puddles Pity Party tomorrow night? And, you know, I just wrote back on Twitter, no. But he tagged Puddles the clown in it so that got his attention and then Puddles invited me to the show and I went and I didn't take this guy

because I have a girlfriend but we had a lovely time and thank you for the recommendation and we met Puddles and he gave us this shit pie. Yeah, you were here when we were talking about that. At the very least, Jeff should get a bite of this fucking pie. Oh yeah, do you want a bite of the pie?

It's pretty yummy. It's really gross, I'm guessing. Take it. But maybe not. Yeah, they did like it. It is good, yeah. The blood in the body broken for you. Hey, Dan, let him talk into a mic. Tell us what he thinks.

Come over here. It's good. I don't think I could express what it tastes like. But it's better than you think it's gonna be. It's adequate. See? It's adequate. See? It's like hanging out with Doug.

Yeah. It's the title of this episode. We made it up to him, Doug. Yeah. But definitely, you know, I hope you go to see Puddles on your own. Because that was the funny part. Oh, you did go? Oh, okay. Why'd you did go? Oh, okay.

Why did you say it? Oh, because it was sold out Thursday night? You said at one point you told me, oh, I couldn't get it because it was sold out. Oh, you stub-hubbed it. Okay. Say it in your microphone, dummy. Hey! Is that Rickles?

Use your mic, hockey puck. Hey, look at the guy. Guy over there with his robe open. Don Rickles. My wife's over there signaling ships. Don Rickles, that's a vampire. Say, I'm gonna suck your blood. Oh, no, that's Don Rickles.

That's fucking Edward G. Robinson. That's every gangster from the 30s? I always know it's time to wrap up the show when Mark Cohen's references go decades and decades earlier. Now we're in the 40s. You did do a punch reference right after you gave me shit, though. I did. That's the 70s, not the 40s. What do you think Chachi was?

The 70s. So you were before me. He's going to start doing silent film references pretty soon. Hey, did you see the Battleship Potemkin yet? First of all, it's just Battleship Potemkin, and I couldn't get through it. How long is it? Neither could the Russians.

I don't know. I'm guessing. I don't know what happened. It's short. How short is it? This isn't a room full of film students. I know. Not one Battleship Potemkin reference.

Yeah, nobody loved it. Maybe it's because everybody hated the movie Battleship with Rihanna. Ready? One more? Carol Channing singing Rihanna. Oh, I like it. Shine bright like a diamond, Zara. Carol's best friend. See, now I can do that now.

Shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamond. Rest in peace, Carol. Wow, did she just give her own eulogy? We should just do this to each other. Yeah, there's no reason to drag an audience into it. You are. Mark, can you do Carol Channing in Goodfellas

yelling at Karen? Why do I fucking make you laugh? No, that was all the money we had. What if Carol Channing were Joe Pesci in Goodfellas? Am I a clown to you? Do I make you laugh? Am I a clown?

No, Carol, he didn't mean it. He didn't mean it like that. I think he thinks I'm a clown. That's not what he said. He's trying to be a nice guy. I'm going to murder this motherfucker. No, no, no, no, no. You're not even a clown.

He's just saying the way you tell the story. Carol, the way you tell the story, it's funny. It's funny the way you tell it. Shine bright like a diamond. I'm a girl's best friend. Diamond. It's fun just to say diamond in her voice. Diamond.

All right. What's happening? Jesus. In the shalalalo. They don't even see modern movies. Shalalalalalalala. They only listen to your podcast. They don't go to movies movies. Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. They only listen to your podcast.

They don't go to movies. But tell everybody how mad you are at the song Shallow. I'm pissed the way they break up the word fucking Shallow. What the fuck? Sha-la-la-la-la-la. It's like, what the fuck? Where would you break it up? Sha-sha-sha-sha? I wouldn't shall-la-la-la-la in there.

They go to a little fucking too much. Yeah, do an ow-ow-ow at the end. Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la. Sha-la-la-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. Oh, yeah. I'm shallow. Feed me, Seymour. Oh, yeah.

I'm sad. I'm sad. Oh, my God. One side of this stage is so much higher than the other. He looks like this. I'm going to be honest with you right now. I'm sad. Hey, what was your name again, Ron?

Jeff? What? It's Jeff. His name's Jeff. What was your name, Ron? Jeff? Jeff, yeah. I figured it out as I was saying it wrong. That's Ron. Ron's over there, and that's Jeff. His name's Jeff. What was your name? Ron Jeff? Jeff, yeah. I figured it out

as I was saying it wrong. That's Ron. Ron's over there and that's Jeff. That's 0437. I mean, I know the difference between Ron and right.

So, the great part is everyone in this room gets to say they were here for this. It's going to be a four minute episode. We were there in the afternoon.

The club closed. So what happened? So, Jeff, what's your suggestion today for Last Man Stanton? Kevin Costner. Great suggestion. A little inside reference between me and him and Puddles because Puddles the Clown loves Kevin Costner. And if you go see his show,

you'll find out how much. Mm-hmm. All right, so that's a pretty good one. It is, it is, it is. Are you guys satisfied with that? I like Kevin Cosby. Hey, remember when I was sad this show was so short? You mean...

Was that when you still had liquid in your drink? You mean, remember when you were sad? The dog abides. Bad Sam Elliott. All right, so I tried. I tried. I can't go Sam Elliott. Sam Elliott doing self-affixiation.

Everything you do, you just start with a, you just start down here. That's Sam Elliott on self-affixiation. Everything you do, you just start with a... You just start down here. That's Sam Elliott on this show. It's Ruth Flair. Listen to me, baby bro. Bob Seger. Baby bro. You stole my voice.

You took my damn voice. You gotta slow your roll. Baby bro. Get out of my face. Butter my roll. You can say it. You don't have to whisper it in my ear. I can't do it.

I don't know what he sounds like. Butter my roll. You can't test your jokes without a mic first. And then do them. There's no safety net in podcasting. I need you to butter my roll. What? I'm just trying to say butter my roll.

Butter my roll. Everybody's got a buttered roll. In the shallow. Did you write that song yourself? I thought of it while I was on the bike. Maybe you should write it down. When he remembers the song she hummed to him in a parking lot and orchestrates it and makes her do it in front of an audience, he's not drinking all the time.

That's not a all the time. That's not a blackout drunk guy that remembers the song she hummed to him briefly. Yeah, that's work ethic. Oh, you haven't seen it? Oh, Mark hasn't seen it. He doesn't want to be on the record about it because he's holding his microphone down there like his dick is going to do

the talking. Oh, he did see a Star Wars one. Remember I told you why I was upset with it? Yeah, but I thought you were upset with the song. You can't be upset with the song without seeing the movie. I mean, the movie's like 50 years old or 60 years old, right? No, there's been a bunch of movies.

But the same thing happens. Roughly the same thing happens, yeah. So Kevin Costner then? Yeah. Yeah, we're doing Kevin Costner. Oh, shit, we're doing Kevin Costner. Oh, shit, we're out of time. Everybody loves plugs.

I'll decide whose plugs are the best and that'll be the winner. No, films of Kevin Costner. Dan, start us off. Then we'll go to Julian, who's already IMDB-ing Kevin Costner. And then Mark. Right? And me. And then back around to Dan. And then Mark. Right? And me. And then back around to Dan.

And we'll see. I think this is going to be a good one. I think I can name almost every Kevin Costner movie. What? So we'll see. Oh, and you each have one lifeline. You can go to the person whose name tag you chose. You can go to them once. I recommend going early and not often.

I can tell Stan knows the entire repertoire. I recommend going early and not often. I can tell. Because you can only go once. Stan knows the entire repertoire. I wish I had picked Jeff now. Well, you know what? Kevin Costner is the most watched actor in prisons. That's true. You're a beardist. Who conducted that poll?

Are you ready for me? Are you ready? Yep. for it? Yep. Go, Dan. Dances with wolves. Who said that? Dances with wolves.

Was that Sam Elliott saying it? He did say it. Dances with wolves. He turned down Prancer. Okay. Solid Sam Elliott movie, and you should be ashamed of yourselves for not appreciating it.

Julian? Tin Cup. What's that? Christopher Walken? Oh, fuck. Now it's a thing? I like this twist. Every answer has to be an impression.

If somebody has nothing to do with that Kevin Costner movie. I like this twist that every answer has to be an impression of somebody that has nothing to do with that Kevin Costner movie. Open range. That was a great Liza Minnelli. What was that, Mrs. Doubtfire?

What was that? Mike Tyson. All right. You're already out of them? Oh, shit. Wow. No, I'm sad for you. I wish that you could pull it together somehow. It feels like for you, there's no way out. No way out.

Who was that? Carol Channing. I think all the people were doing impressions of don't sound anything like each other. And we still don't know who it is. I thought that was pretty good, looking back. Dan? thought that was pretty good.

Dan? Water world. That sounds like if Sam Elliott did an ad for a local water company. We'll keep your pipes hot here at Waterworld The prequel to Waterworld Field of Dreams

Alright Part of what you said is correct Okay I have one but I don't know the name of it Well that's the game Mark Yeah Mark Go to your lifeline Let's see what Ron has to say

He says Silverado Oh yeah So you're going with Silverado Thank you Ron Whenever I want to know What's playing in theaters I don't necessarily buy my tickets through them But I definitely go to their site

To find out showtimes and stuff. Fandango. Costner was in a movie called Fandango. Dan? The Postman. That's right. Three hours and you still don't get your package.

For love of the game. Yeah, no applause from the audience, but absolutely right. There was a chance there you probably thought, oh, maybe I said the wrong thing. But he's in that. I'd like to be out here. Black and white?

Yeah. Yeah? We got a guy over there that thinks he was in it. Well, who the fuck's that guy? That's Kevin Costner! Kevin Costner, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, Shelley Long! Are you talking about Black and White,

the movie that has your aforementioned Mike Tyson in it? No. And Brooke Shields and a bunch of weirdos? Is that the movie I'm talking about? Yeah, that's the movie I'm talking about. What's Black and White? What's that about? It's about, there's a black guy. Uh-huh.

He runs into a white guy. They hug, and the world's beautiful. And then they build a wall around him. That's a feature. Nobody would fuck with that. That's a full movie? So you just said an unknown expression and hoped that that was the title?

I believe that there's a movie called Black and White and that he is in it. I think Tyra Banks is in it even if that's possible. Why are they in this movie? For money. They're the leads? Are you a racist man trying to describe the bodyguard?

El Bandidos. I think black and white. You just gave one away? Oh, is that your guess? It might be. Oh. Now, I believe, does anybody agree besides this guy? Black or white is what someone in the audience is saying.

Do you want to cheat and accept that as your answer? Probably, yeah. Cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat. Tear down. You're right, you're right. He was like the racist grandpa who had to come around by the end of the movie so everyone could feel good.

It's black and hunky. Right, he has like a black grandchild and he's like kind of weird with her but then he realizes that she's human. It's off-white, Off-white or beige. Is the movie I'm picking. Every day he gets up and he looks at her and he goes, black or white?

Black or blue. That's the title. Black and blue. Stop it. Alright, I'm gonna go with the bodyguard. El bondigas. These drinks are good. I don't know. Dan? Bull Durham of course

thank you I mean just think of a sport and Kevin Costner made a movie about it I was going to say a stupid movie about it but some of them are good one example would be don't yeah this one is like

if a dad was a movie. Draft Day. Yeah, Draft Day. Sorry. It was a really, really chilly day. Yeah. Black and white.

What if you did a movie called Black or White and Black and White? What's your movies? See, I'm going to give this away, but I know this movie and can I say a lot about it? And if it's close enough that they'll give it to me? Maybe even describing it, you'll stumble on the words. But then I'll give it away. But it was directed by Clint Eastwood

and it was like a road movie and Kevin Costner's in it. How many miles did he have to go? Oh, 3,000 miles to Bakersfield. 3,000 miles to Harlem. 4,000 miles to shithole. Black and white cookie.

Black and white, 3,000. You're right, though. It is Graceland. 3,000 miles to Graceland. That's correct. Yay! Graceland. 3,000 miles to Graceland.

That's correct. Yay! Mark, I don't know if you should feel better or worse about this, but Doug never helps people this much. I know. He looks down at me. Doug's the only guy who looks at me and goes, don't smoke so much. I know you're not going to win.

I'm not going to win. So it's fun to keep you around. Thank you. And I'm going to go all the way back to the very beginning. He was cut out of the movie except for his wrists and other body parts while they were putting a suit on him to bury him in the

beginning of The Big Chill. Oh. He was cut out of silver. Oh, no, he wasn't. Dan? Wyatt. Huh? Oh, yeah. wasn't. Dan? Wyatt. Huh? Oh, yeah. What'd you say?

Wyatt. Wyatt. I thought it was like, Dan, it's your turn. You were like, what? Was it called Wyatt Earp or was it called Wyatt? It was just called Wyatt. Wyatt. Either way, I said Wyatt Earp.

Hang on, you guys. I got one. I don't know why Mark gets to tell us what it was called. Wyatt Earp, I believe, is the full name. What's your answer, Dan? Wyatt Earp. Yes, that's correct. There was a movie called Wyatt, too, though.

Hey, thanks. Thank you and you. And you, and thank you as well. The Untouchables. Oh, yeah, that's a real good one. Man, my walking's just getting better and better. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer. Okay, so walking's just getting better and better. Mm-hmm. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Slayer. Okay, so Mark's out. I mean, some people are good at this,

and some people aren't, you know? Mark is not a man of steel. Oh! Oh! Dan? Dan Tony hit me What? I'm going to my lifeline Oh lifeline here we go

Robin Hood Prince of Thieves Oh nice Robin Hood Thank you Prince of Thieves Dave Chappelle Wait that was The Mel Brooks movie

Robin Hood Men in Tights Julian what do you think? You still got your lifeline right? When he I saw my lifeline When he co-starred with the greatest actor

of our generation Dane Cook in Mr. Brooks I like how Julian tends to throw in a false fact with a real fact Jane Cook in Mr. Brooks. I like how Julian tends to throw in a false fact with a real fact. But yeah, there's a movie called Mr. Brooks. He was a serial killer. Yeah, he really fucking tore up some Frosted Flakes.

But still a baseball player. He was a serial killer shortstop. I almost did a Foster Brooks reference, but I stopped myself. This is Kevin Costner being offered a baseball player. He's a serial killer shortstop. I almost did a Foster Brooks reference, but I stopped myself. This is Kevin Costner being offered a movie role. Can I wear a uniform? Can I drink my own urine?

Waterworld. That's why it's called that. Oh, it's my turn, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, shit. Okay. I'm going to go with... We really have done a great job with all these

Costner movies, so I might have to tap, but... What are you looking for, Mark? Oh, you're listening? My answer's going to be very exciting,

and it is... We all know it and we love it. Oh, shit. Justice League. Justice League. I don't know. I think he is. Clark flashback.

Yeah, I think he's in that flashback. Yeah, I fucking did it, you guys. flashback. Yeah, I think he's in that flashback. Yeah, I fucking did it, you guys. Hidden Figures. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah.

I only remember the black ladies in that movie. Right? Black and white. I would go to my lifeline, but I don't need to. I can just go back and to the left. Oh, shit! JFK!

JFK! That was good, too. Okay, I like it. Oh, yeah. This is a Pruder film. He goes back and to the left because Kennedy's brains went back and to the left because Kennedy's brain, brains, went back and to the left. Lips.

Dogs. Brains. Do that for like five more minutes while I think. God damn it. What is your time limit on this? What's that? What is your time limit on our answer? If you gotta go, just go.

There's no time limit. No, but you've got to bring me on stage in 30 seconds. Yeah, in the interest of time and the fact that I can't think of one right now, I'm going to tap. Dan? War. War? What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.

Oh, I thought you were going to get a lifeline. You don't get a lifeline? It's just war, Dan? Oh, the war you were going to get a lifeline. You don't get a lifeline? It's just war, Dan. Oh, the war. Good job. Julian? And yeah, I don't get a lifeline. That's how good I am.

But I'm out. Okay. Oh, right? Oh, shit. Stan, I got to use you, buddy. Here we go. Huh, right? Oh, shit. Stan, I gotta use you, buddy. Here we go. Huh? Criminal.

Criminal? Criminal. I'm gonna go with Criminal, the movie I was gonna think of. Yeah, I don't know that movie. We gotta look that up. Does anybody have that? Nobody needs to. Dan?

I got one now. Thank you, Stan. What do you mean you've got one now? What is happening on your phone, sir? I swear his phone was somebody screaming, think of your son! Think of your son! No, the ringtone is pick up your phone.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Oh, it's Eddie Pepitone saying that? Pick up your phone! I love it. All right, Dan. Take this thing home, buddy. I don't know that i can my friend what you're gonna let julian have this yeah probably well really stan one

when you really think about it i'm gonna murder you and i hope I get your cell in prison. I hope I get where you formerly stayed. There's a part of me that feels like he's in a thin red line because everybody was. That part of you is wrong. Is this movie called... I remember the movie. I'm not sure about the title.

But is the movie called... Three Days to Kill? Yes. Thank you very much. It's not to a kill. James Bond was viewed to a kill. Kevin Costner was three days to kill. But it's a fun expression

because it sounds like he's just got time on his hands. But no, he's going to murder people for three days. We interrupted that together. Oh, that's right. We barely remembered it. Julian? The one where he has sex with the mom and the daughter. Oh, right.

I think the same director of Black and White. Or White, yeah. I think he's worked with that guy a couple of times. This isn't it, but for some reason it's popping into my head. Give it a try. Something's gotta give? No. That's Jack Nicholson.

Dan is our winner! Sorry, Stan. That is how you... Get it done! Well, I wasn't gonna do that. That is how you get it done! Well, I wasn't going to do that. The movie every guest on my show has a chant that the audience knows when they win.

What's the fucking movie I was thinking of? Rumor has it. But there was another one from the same director as Black or White. It was called The Shape of Things or The Object of Something or The Law of Something. He wasn't in The Shape of Things. No, I know.

But I mean, it was that kind of expression that you later have trouble remembering because it's so vague. White or black. No. Also, was he in Mystery Men? I don't think so. Okay. All right. Well, who were you playing for again, Dan?

Tony. Hey, you got all the prizes. Hey! Just come on up and grab them. She's already downloaded the app already, too. Yeah. I mean, yeah, she's the one that knows about the app for the ring. It's fucking perfect.

Yeah, it'd be a hassle for anybody else, but you're the perfect winner. Plus, you got all those Comedy Cellar bucks. Yeah! Yes, come back tonight! Hell yeah! You're the perfect winner. Plus, you got all those comedy seller bucks. Yeah. Yes, come back tonight. Hell yeah. Nobody's drunk or stoned tonight. Nobody's drunk or stoned tonight. Yeah, we should say it's Mark and Julian and Tracy Skeen and Rich Boss and Leo Flowers.

And Sean Patton. Oh, Sean Patton. Wow, okay. I should have had him on today. So let's do some plugs. He's a great host. What do you mean? You said you should have had him on today.

I said he's a good host. Yeah, and then I said, what do you mean? Then I say. You just keep saying what you said rather than what you mean. Mark, that was one of the ones you should have tested out before. Dan Van Kirk, what do you got to plug? I will be junior grand marshalling the Galveston, Texas Mardi Gras parade along with Rory Scovel. We are going to the debutante ball.

We are wearing tuxes all weekend, and we're doing our first ever live podcast of Pen Pals in Houston, Texas at the Secret Group. That is going to be on March 3rd. That's when the Pen Pals is. So come out, hang out with us, come to the very first ever live show. And then the next night, I'll be at the Largo doing a live Dumb People Town with the Sklar Brothers. Yeah. Yes!

And lastly, just so I don't forget, in the middle of March, I will be coming to, it looks like, Huntsville, Atlanta, Nashville, and a few other cities as well, so be on the lookout for that. Just go to danielvankirk.com for all of my live shows, stand-up, and podcasts.

Thank you very much. Yay! Yay! Yay! What about you, Julian McCullough? What's coming up? February 15th and 16th, I'll be at Comedy on State in Madison, Wisconsin. Hell yeah, you are.

And then the following week, I'll be doing the Aspen Wheeler Comedy Festival in Aspen and listen to my podcast, The Soft Spot with Meg Malloy, where we talk about people's favorite nostalgic thing. Oh, I thought you'd just talk about babies' heads. You mean where their brains are? Mark Cohen, you can see him here at the Comedy Cellar every fucking night.

Seven days a week. Seven days a week here at the Cellar. And what dispensary can we find you at? MMJ, Apothecary, Essence, and The Source. I think I have one more plug

I want to throw at you guys. Oh, yeah. Stand-up comedy in Tampa at the Improv on February 28th. Bring your name tags, though, because we'll play a little game of audience. Last Man Stanton.

Where they can't go to the audience for a lifeline, because they are the audience. And they're playing the game. Oh. They should be allowed. A little Goldblum. A little Goldblum. What?

Thank you to Uh-uh. They should be allowed. Little Goldblum. Little Goldblum. Uh-uh. What? Gee. Uh-uh. Thank you to the Comedy Cellar here at the Rio in Las Vegas for having us. Thank you guys for coming in on a lovely Sunday afternoon. One more time for all of my guests, Dan Van Kirk, Julian McCullen, Mark Cohen. And as always, Buzzkills? Buzzkills are a shithead. Yeah, that's more of a thinker.

And this one's really a strong statement. Anyone with a MAGA hat, I don't give a fuck why. I don't give a fuck why. Don't give a fuck why you have it. Like, if you have it ironically, fuck you as well. You're still, what are you if you're wearing a MAGA hat? A shithead.

Mark, that's not how this works. You're not supposed to jump in. You're supposed to keep your glasses off. Anyone who wears a MAGA hat is a shithead. End theme, please. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you,

cause Doug loves movies!