Doug Loves Movies - David Cross Guests

Episode Date: May 27, 2008

Doug kicks off a new season of 'I Love Movies' with special guest David Cross.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seeds with 50 azipop or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, cause Doug loves movies! Okay, here we are, ladies and gentlemen. Some people have begged for it. Others have been indifferent. But I love movies. With me, Doug Benson is back. We're coming to you not live from the UCB Theater in Los Angeles

in front of an actual live audience. That's your cue to make actual live audience noises. Oh, it's a hot one, and it's part of the reason we get such a good crowd, and I hope we'll continue to get a good crowd, is because Comedy Death Ray happens at UCB

right after this podcast performance. And so everybody that wants a good seat for Death Ray has to come and sit through my shit in order to get to the awesome Death Ray shows that happen every week at UCB. Go to UCBtheatertre.com for more information. It's Seis de Mayo Ocho, everybody!

Woo! Is everybody hungover? That theme song that you guys heard, if you were hung over, it probably hurt your brains. It's by Hard and Firm. I always like to give them credit. On the comments page, somebody said about the Hard and Firm theme song that it was wretched. So I thought that was an interesting word to use. I think it's catchy.

Maybe annoying, maybe, but wretched. Oh, it's filthy. Like, is this guy Mr. Belvedere going on the message board and fucking with people? Ooh, wretched. Wesley. All right, so my movie's coming out this summer

on DVD it's called Super High Me and I brought flyers to give to everyone of me with a bunch of

joints shoved in my mouth there's two covers for the DVD there's one where there's a bunch of joints in my mouth and that's called the risque version

and then there's the one where there's just tons of smoke covering my mouth and that's called the risque version. And then there's the one where there's just tons of smoke covering my face, which is the conservative version. But since both of them pretty much imply through the name Super Jaime and all that smoke that I am smoking marijuana

that what they're saying is conservative and risque is how much you can see my face. They're saying this guy's got a risque face. We don't want people to have to look at it. Not after the whole Miley Cyrus thing. Her back, now his face. The fucking world is going to hell.

It was rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. I saw that movie. This movie is not yet rated, which is awesome. Behind the scenes of the Motion Picture Association of America. I saw that movie. This movie is not yet rated, which is awesome behind the scenes of the Motion Picture Association of America. It's just these weird housewives, Hispanic housewives. Weren't they some of them Hispanic? And they, not to judge them for that,

but, you know, don't things need to be cleaned? Why are they watching movies all day? But, uh... See, I said something on accident that was racist, and then I thought, you know how I'll fix this? I'll go over the top. I'll take it full-blown.

And that'll save the whole thing. So, anyway, um, uh, these are gonna be, these flyers are gonna be collector's items. And, uh, as in, as in collector of bird shit at the bottom of a cage. Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time. You know I like to joke around first before bringing out the guests? That's what that was.

Now, your guest. That's another fun thing I'm going to do every week on this show now, is I'm not going to... And when I say every week, I mean once every four weeks, but every show is going to be a surprise guest so that people won't come or not come

based on who the guest is. They'll come because they know it's going to be someone awesome every time because I say so. I know what you like. Just listen to me.

All right. You've seen him in I Am Not There, Men in Black, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and soon he will star, I hope and pray, in an Arrested Development movie. Ladies and gentlemen, David Cross is here! Holy crap!

We should just do like Let them clap for 25 minutes And that's the thing It's just you coming out Yeah you're good You might want to take it out of the stand And talk right into it Stand-up comic style I do that You ever Watch Do it stand-up comic style. Lord.

Do that... You ever watch... Here we go. Here we go. You ever watch Nick Swartzen hold a mic? Like, you can tell he's from the next generation of comedians because he holds it like Eddie Vedder used to hold his mic. Like, Nick sort of does this. Which is...

That's how... You know, that's when you fucking get right into your soul this way. I'm getting in your soul. But they're jokes. I'll describe it for the listeners. He was holding the microphone like Eddie Vedder. So now they know what was going on there.

Seen any movies lately, David Cross? Oh, shit. What was on the plane? What was on the plane? Yeah, that's where we see most of our movies. Nope. It was something. There's a really horrible run on the planes right now

because it's all movies that came out in January and February and they all suck. Jumper is on planes right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 27 Dresses. Oh, that sounds like planes right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 27 dresses. Oh, that sounds like fun, though. It is kind of fun. First of all, funny number.

It's just a 27. They nailed it with the number. That is an outrageous number of wedding dresses. Dude, I don't know if you know the story. And yet still believable. There was a whole marketing thing. Like, they went, the studio, they almost didn't release that movie.

They were going to bump it for a year because almost didn't release that movie. They were going to bump it for a year because they couldn't come up with whether it was going to be the number, what was the funniest number, and they had to do a bunch of tests at Stanford University Comedy Lab. And then they got in these doctors who, oddly enough, are from Greenland. There's a whole huge comedy scene in Greenland. And they got these guys there, and they did some double-blind studies, and they got, you know, they figured out the 27. It was between 27 and 1,372,604 and a half. It was a big debate.

Was it the great debaters on the plane? Nice segue. Pretty smooth. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty good. I start to interrupt, you still said something, and then I use that. That is lightning quick. Holy shit.

But I'm just sitting here thinking of movies that have been on the plane. I have to tell you, Great Debaters reminded me of this story. And this has to do with movies in a tertiary way. Let's go tersh. I don't care. Let's tersh it up. Okay. So I was in Shreveport, Louisiana, shooting this.

But, you know, I could say shooting a movie, but I would be there for pleasure anyway. It's just a lovely little part of the country. And, um, so anyway, I was in Shreveport, and I was staying in the one nice hotel they have, and that's not an exaggeration or trying to be funny. They have one nice hotel, and they're shooting a lot of movies there

because it's cheap. And, um, and this business is run by Jews. Cheap, right? That was the weirdest. I don't know if they're going to hear it on the podcast, but that was weird. The leprechaun in your asshole just sort of poked out and went, remember me?

Wow. That was awesome. Oh, geez. Puxatani Phil just saw his shadow. Wow. That was like, it was kind of like the kind of response of like, oh, here we go.

Yeah. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Oh, the Jew shits are coming. Anyway. What do you think it's like when that guy comes? Then he goes the other way with it. It's just very, mm-hmm.

Yes. So I was in Shreveport making this movie, and most everybody stays at this hotel, the Hilton there. And I had been drinking. I was in the lobby, and I was going onto the elevator, and a guy was coming in. They were shooting a bunch of movies at the time. They were shooting the Ice Cube movie there,

either Ice Cube movie or Fred Durst movie, whatever you want to – because he directed it. Oh, okay. When you said Ice Cube movie or Fred Durst movie, whatever you want to, because he directed it. Oh, okay. When you said Ice Cube movie, I thought Pixar was doing a movie about a gentle ice cube. That's some problems. That's Nice Cube. You're thinking of Nice Cube. What? A Nice Cube? Yeah, Nice Cube is the name of that. Oh, okay. Wall-E, I don't get that at all.

What? Wall-E, that movie that's coming out The animated thing It's like The short circuit guy Yeah but what don't you get You haven't seen the movie yet So what don't you get

It's all All the talking is bleeping And And Noises And there's no subtitles Yeah it's like a foreign film But they have subtitles

On the foreign films How do you know this doesn't have subtitles What It's like the bear Remember the bear The bear went That's not a language And it was titles on the foreign films. How do you know this doesn't have something? It's like The Bear. Remember The Bear? The Bear Wing? That's not a language. And it was

How about Quest for Fire? How about it? Discernible language. Yeah, that was a great movie. It was actually pretty good. It was. You like that? Oh, okay. I was really high when I saw it. I saw it when I was a young man. But I did enjoy it.

It was one of the first movies that they... Remember when they were starting to do 70mm movies? They briefly started showing... Before they moved into IMAX. That was one of the 70mm movies. So technically it was like, wow. It was exciting, yeah. Alright.

Doesn't hold up. Don't Netflix it, you guys. All right. What does hold up? What was something that you liked a long time ago, you revisited, and you still think it's great? I'll tell you what you should check out. 27 Dresses.

Right, you saw it. You called me. You saw it in January. Saw it again on the plane three months later And it held up Still alright I'll tell you actually, I was talking about this movie yesterday And it's really

Really good You really admire it For what it doesn't do And there's two scenes in it With no cuts Literally the two characters Oh, I should tell you what the movie is.

Bad News Bears. The original Bad News Bears, directed by Michael Ritchie. Awesome. Really, in a time, you know, and it got increasingly so, where kids or teenagers or pre-teens or whatever were not

realistically portrayed. very, very rarely, if ever. There was Over the Edge and that movie that actually was realistic. It was funny and it's really restrained and not bombastic in any way and very gritty and real. There are two scenes where the characters, Walter Matthau and this other guy who's getting him to coach the Little League, go to a bar.

They sit at the bar, you know, like if the bar was right here. Camera's there. No cuts. No cuts, no... It's like a seven-minute long scene or however long the mag was. And just like they talk and all that

and they look sideways. It's great. There's two scenes like that. It's really great. Both with the same guy? Or another one later? What? Oh, I get you.

Two scenes in the same bar with the two guys talking about something? No, two scenes in the movie. Why does it matter whether it was the other scene? I want to know

what the other scene was. I don't know. Was it Jodie Foster selling star maps? Because I am obsessed. No, because Jodie Foster was not in that movie. It wasn't Jodie Foster selling star maps? Because I am obsessed. No, because Jodie Foster was not in that movie. It wasn't Jodie Foster, it was Tatum O'Neill. But I am obsessed.

Snap yourself. I am obsessed with the remake of Bad News Bears and how they go, oh, the kid sold star maps. That's too interesting and quirky. Let's have her work at a flea market. Now we've rewritten the movie and we have a perfect license to go ahead and make it.

Because we really fixed Bad News Bears. And its problems. Hey, let's have the coach take all the kids out to Hooters. Won't that be outrageous? In 2006? Yeah, he takes them to Hooters. Families already go to Hooters. Yes, absolutely. It's not like it's some outrageous thing this guy is doing.

Absolutely. Oh, that movie drives me nuts. You know who doesn't go to Hooters? Anybody in the movie industry. They all live here. They don't go to Hooters. But they're making this movie not for them, but for the people who already go to Hooters.

So you're right. They're probably sitting there going, I don't know, is this, what is, are they, is Hollywood, is there a Jew in Hollywood making fun of me right now? That's, say. Yes. Did the Shreveport story ever end? Nope.

Does it want to? Do you want to tell it? I mean, yeah. Yeah, I didn't mean to get you off of it. I was interested. Oh, you didn't mean to get you off of it I was interested Oh you didn't mean to? Oh wow you fucked up then It just happened

You totally did It just happened No you But you joined in When I change the subject You run with it What you did was Interrupted me

And then And then said something And then You actually asked me A question In the middle of I was telling the Yeah

I yielded some Fantastic stuff And then we went with nice cube. Until this. Just cut around. Cut and paste. Dude, this is... It's live.

But not really live. No, but nobody's going to bother to edit this live. That's what this is. All right. So let me... I'll finish up the story real quick. So this is a very embarrassing thing that I did, and I don't know why I did it.

That's why I interrupted you. I wanted to keep you from telling this story. I remember it now. Seriously, I'm doing you a favor. Don't tell the story. Really? No, go ahead, tell it. I don't know what it is.

I just thought that would be funny. I told it on stage a couple times. Oh, okay, I might have heard it. You know how it is when somebody comes thought that would be funny. I've told it on stage a couple times. Oh, okay. I might have heard it. You know how it is when somebody comes up to you and tells you a joke joke? And the whole time you're like, and they're like, have you heard this? And it's got all these beats to it.

And then when they say the punchline, you go, yeah, I have heard that. It's miserable every time I sit through it. That's why I never remember it. So go ahead and tell us the rest of your story. Thanks. That said, knock it us the rest of your story. Thanks. That said, knock it out of the park, buddy. So I was getting on the elevator. So they were shooting this ice cube movie there.

And I was getting on the elevator. And a guy was getting off the elevator who I recognized. But I couldn't remember where I – I couldn't place him. And we clearly had met before, but it was obvious that we were just sort of acquaintances. And he's a black actor, and he gets – he comes out, and he's like – we're like, hey, man, what's up? Hey, what are you doing? And I get in the elevator, and I go, what are you – he goes, what are you doing? I'm in town working on this movie, the year one.

He goes, what are you doing? He goes, oh, I'm doing the Ice Cube movie comebacks. And as the doors are closing, why my brain chose to go, oh, yeah, yeah, they shot Welcome Home, Roscoe Brown here. What? You know, the other black movie it was just the worst like what and then i'm being spirited away you know but it was so like like oh that came out wrong that was just uh you could see his face like a little confusion like just and that's what i left him with i never saw him again i never got a chance to apologize and go boy that was kind of fucked up i don't know what that was just and that's what I left him with I never saw him again never got a chance to apologize

and go boy that was kind of fucked up I don't know what that was about and that actor is Denzel Washington yeah sorry to be the punch on that but I was dying to tell it

because I didn't remember the ending right when you got to him right because I used to work at the Daily Grill and he did too and he was my shift manager and

never mind I was going to go somewhere I thought Doug would help me out there I was just thinking of and he was my shift manager. Never mind. I was going to go somewhere. I thought Doug would help me out there. I was just thinking of that stupid King Kong line of his. Oh, because he's black? Now who's racist? He wasn't in King Kong? No.

Sorry. He was in The Great Debaters, though, which you can see on planes Now Book of Flight We did it David, have you noticed anyone treating you differently Because of how mean you were to Alvin

And his chipmunks You were a little bit of a cock in that Yeah, yeah, yeah So do people You know how soap opera actors say people come up to them all the time and they're not nice because they play the bad guy in soap opera? Right. Are people upset about you and your chipmunk activities? I mean, you really, you played them in the movie. Yeah, yeah.

But I did get my comeuppance at the end. You did? Did you fall into a vat of something? Because they show tremendous restraint, don't you think? Isn't that character supposed to fall into

a vat of something or slip on something? Oh, you mean the bad guy. You've got to see him in a cast or something. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, at the end,

I don't know if they left in there. I never saw the movie, but we shot... People are laughing. Why is that surprising? I don't have children. What if it was on a plane you were on? What would you do?

Sit there and laugh your ass off? Yeah, I keep saying things like, you know, if you're ever reading on a plane and people are watching, you know, whatever, and then you just hear different levels of guffawing and chuckling. But I would sit there and overtly like, ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha! Oh ha ha! Ah! Ha ha! Oh, shit! Ah! Like that loud. I love that, the oh, shit, when somebody's having that much fun, they can't even restrain themselves from swearing. And then when they come over and go,

Sir, sir, we need, I'll be like, I'm enjoying the movie! You showed a comedy film that's the reaction you were hoping for at a comedy film it's laughter what are they going to do I won't get into the whys and wherefores

but there's a scene in the movie where one chipmunk has to eat another chipmunk's turd. It's really groundbreaking and innovative. But also, I thought it was a fun movie.

It was on a plane, of course, but I enjoyed it. And I enjoyed you in it. And the reason I paid attention to the movie is because I read so many things.

Even when somebody shit on the movie, they'd always go, David Cross has a funny turn. They'd always compliment you shit on the movie, they'd always go, David Cross has a funny turn. You know what I mean? They'd always compliment you in all the reviews, which were mostly poor.

Yeah, the professionals. Yeah, they know what they're doing. Yeah, yeah. So, but yeah, I did actually kind of enjoy it.

It's not horrible. All right. I'll take it. I'm happy to report to you because normally you don't want to go to an actor and go, hey, your movie's not horrible. Alright. I'm happy to report to you, because normally you don't want to go up to an actor and go, hey, your movie wasn't horrible. But I know what you're doing and what you care about.

I honestly don't care. You show up every day and you try though. You don't phone it in. No, not at all. You commit and you... I don't know why that guy laughed. He knows you better than you know yourself. No, no. I mean, you know, you're getting paid to do a job,

you do your job. You know? What do you got going there? Now, let me ask you about... You want to make a call? No, no, I just... I use it to check the time. It's 821.

It's 821, everybody. Somewhere. But here's the thing I wanted to ask you. So, do you like movies? Just went into like Chris Farley mode there for a second. I guess it's a really simple question,

but I know you like movies, but what's like a favorite? Can you recommend one? I think you already recommended the Quest for Fire. Oh, I'm not. That would not be in my top 100 or 500 movies. I think you already recommended the Quest for Fire. Oh, I'm not. So can you rescind that and give us another one? That would not be in my top 100 or 500 movies. I just thought it was – I remember it being okay.

Isn't that great how something that you thought was good could be ranked, you know, 2,000? It shows you the marvelous world of movie making. There's a lot of good ones. So tell us one that you recommend. I'll give you a bunch. Careful. I'm very excited about the new Guy Madden film one that you recommend. I'll give you a bunch. Careful. I'm very excited about the new Guy Madden film

that's coming out. He's one of my favorite directors and his, my favorite of his movies is called Careful and I highly recommend it. And a documentary

called Sherman's March by Ross McElwee is amazing and worth watching repeatedly. I like Mate One by John Sayles. That's one of the very few perfect movies, I think. There's not a wasted shot or sentiment or line or word in that movie.

It's really great. I liked Bicycle Thief. It's one of my favorite movies. You got somebody spooning in the audience on that one. Oh, Bicycle Thief. Oh, my sweet potato. Steel Magnolias, of course. Of course.

The juice. Get her the juice. Yeah. Oh, man, so many. How about, that's a good game. I'll say a motion picture, and you make up a line from the movie that just comes out of your head that would be from that movie. I probably haven't seen the movie, so that'll be helpful. Maybe you've seen it.

I don't know. I should pick ones that I think you have seen, but that's going to be tough. Okay, Bicycle Thief. Who wants waffles? But in Italian. Ocean's Eleven. The year was 1862.

Right? The Empire Strikes Back. Suck it, bitch. I'm thinking what's happening here is you're committing to something before I say anything. I'm giving you too much time. I'm terrible at this.

Let's play the Leonard Maltin game. Do you want to go first? Do you want me to pick one for you? Do you want to refresh my memory? What do I do? I'll refresh the memory of the listeners. There are people who are just listening to this for the first time. This is the first episode of the first new whatever you want to call it.

And Leonard Maltin is a book. And Brian Posehn and I came up with this game. Leonard Maltin is a book. He's Posehn and I came up with this game. Leonard Maltin is a book. He's a book. That dude is a total book. Page Turner, if you ask me. And he's a fascinating man who wrote a book. He figured out how to alphabetize and criticize all in one huge volume.

And what we do, Brian Posehn and I used to do all the time, is we pick up the book and you pick out a movie and you say when the movie came out, maybe even give a clue like how long it is or something. And then you list the cast from the bottom up and the idea is the better you are at it, the less cast names you have to hear before hearing the stars of the movie.

And a lot of times you even hear that and you still don't know. I got one right here. All right. Once a year. 2002. Okay. That was a good four years ago at least. All right.

Here we go. Margo Martindale. Eileen Atkins. Merp. Merp. Weird noiseman. Weird noiseman. Okay.

God, Margo Martindale is really jumping out at me for some reason. Miranda Richardson. Weird noiseman. Okay. God, Margo Martindale's really jumping out at me for some reason. Miranda Richardson. John C. Reilly. Allison Janney. Wait, stop, stop, stop. Okay. Yeah? 2002.

Margo Martindale is a lady that's in Alexander Payne movies Wake Martindale's daughter yeah and she also played the mean mother of Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby so you don't see her often in movies so that's why I fixated

on her at the beginning I just like to talk everybody through my process. I like to let people know exactly how I don't achieve the answer. Oh, you might get it. Continue, David. Stephen Delane. Jeff Daniels.

Oh. Claire Danes. That's where it should really come into focus. Tony Collette. Do you guys know this? Anybody? Anybody? It's bullshit, whatever it is. Magnolia?

Nope. Magnolia? Magnolia had exactly one... John C. Reilly. One of those actors, yeah. That's how you play the game. You get your right as long as one of the actors was in the movie you yell out. Wow, we got a winner before I could do it.

Oh, now you're going to love this next actress. Julianne Moore. Oh, shit. In Magnolia. Guess it again. Guess it again. Sequel to Get Shorty. Sequel to Get Shorty.

Get Shorty 2. Nicole Kidman. Get Shortier. Last actress, Meryl Streep Oh, The Hours They got it, they got it Wait, did I miss, what's his name? When was Ed in there?

He was in there He was? I wasn't paying attention Alright Alright It's a boring game, I lose interest No, no, do one Well, I just did it

I'd like a chance I'd like a crack at it Here we go. The Hours. Did you see that? No. No. I sat through it.

Well, you go see shitty movies. That's the thing about my friends in L.A. Shitty movies. My friends in L.A. Go see. All right, you're right. You're right. I didn't see it.

Did you like it? I fell for it. Yeah. I liked it. Actually, I thought parts of it were good. Oh, that's a ringing endorsement. Well, sometimes, you know. What was better?

What was better? The book. The book was better? All right. I'm not going to say that the guy just yelled that out. I'm not going to say anything about his sexuality. But we are talking about the hours. He did yell out the book was better.

That's all I'm going to say. I'm slightly offended by that. Okay, let me ask him another question. Do you mind? Have you seen Maid of Honor? Yes, he has. He's not in. I'm just joking around.

I go to all the girl movies. But I don't understand. All right, here we go. Margot Martindale. So if a guy reads a book and that makes him a fag, I don't understand. John C. Reilly.

Say it again. Jeff Daniels. Nicole Kidman. And Meryl Streep. Eyes Wide Shut and Adaptation. No. I really threw you a softball. It's The Hours.

I didn't see that. I know very little about that movie. I don't really know much about that movie. You should read the book. I would, but I'm not gay. Oh! Do you have anything you want to plug, David? Probably not.

You don't give a shit. Your butt with my... It's a good one, right? Pretty good. I actually got an applause break. Yeah, that was nice. I'll tell you what I can plug. Speaking of plugs, because there's a line in the show that I'm taping on Friday

where a guy goes, he's confronting a pedophile and he's like a predator or whatever. He's like, oh, didn't you say in your chat line with this 12-year-old boy that you wanted to shove a butt plug the size of a yak's foot?

And then he goes, wait, no, no, that's a misprint. That should say a black's foot. Alright, so that's a line. It's true. True story, true story. And that's from what? From the thing I'm taping with that Bob Odenkirk and I wrote called David's Situation, taping it over in Hollywood, California.

That will become a TV series. Hopefully. At HBO. Hopefully, yeah. When the new lady... I think it will. Dana Gould's wife knows comedy. Yeah, she's awesome. I like her a lot.

I wish I could think of her name. Sue Nagel. She's really cool. That's not it. I've seen Dana with a few different ladies, so it's hard to figure out what's going on. But thank you very much, David Cross, for being on the first episode. That's it.

We did it. Try to find us again, internet listeners. Find us again here at UCB, people that are here. As always, Willem Dafoe is a shithead. Now it's time for Doug

to watch another talk. He hides a gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you. Cause Doug loves movies.