Doug Loves Movies - Graham Elwood, Bert Kreischer, Matt Fulchiron and Ivan Hernandez guest

Episode Date: April 20, 2015

Live from Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, Doug welcomes comedians Graham Elwood, Bert Kreischer, Matt Fulchiron and Ivan Hernandez to the show. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seeds With 50 acid pop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey everybody Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody. My name is Doug, and I love movies. This is I Love Movies.

Coming to you once again as I rearrange the stage at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, California! Always great to do these shows here. We always do one around Halloween. Doug loves scary movies. Today, of course, is Sunday, April 19th,

2015. At 420-ish. It's 420-Eve, you guys. Very excited about that. Who's coming back for the stand-up show later tonight here at COPS?

Awesome. It's going to be fun. You're going to have a long break in between to pre-game and then come back and when it gets to be 10 seconds to midnight, we're going to do a countdown like they do on New Year's Eve shows

and then when it's midnight, we're all going to leave. Because outside you can smoke. You can't light things on fire in here. FYI. Let me see your name tags, San Francisco. I know you've got a lot of great ones who always do a great job.

Very, very creative place. Very loud young lady over there. What'd you do? Scribble something down on a napkin or something? All right. Well, at least you have the Douglas movies shirt on. That's nice. So, good job.

It's one I signed, even? All right. Right on her boob. She wasn't wearing it at the time, you guys. I don't think so. Wow, instead of Obvious Child, Obvious Cassie. That's your name, Cassie? And Jurassic Park.

You guys are what a cute couple you are with the dinosaur movie and the abortion comedy. dinosaur movie and the abortion comedy. I've seen that Tenacious D poster before. Right? Not this one. Not that one. But didn't... Someone just recently used that same poster

but they changed different words. But you're Tenay Chris D. The pick of destiny. Good job, man. What was the last movie you saw, Chris? Django Unchained. Django Unchained. So you just got around to...

What were you watching? Like you're having a slave movie marathon? Next up, 12 years. Why did you... What format did you watch it in? It was on my DVR. It was on your DVR. You were just in the mood for it? It was on there for almost a year.

Almost a year? For a whole year? And you have a small child? Yeah. Once they're two or three, though, I think that movie's right in their wheelhouse. It's really good for a toddler. What's the deal with the gigantic

Danny Glover head? Is your name Danny? It's Ricky. Your name is Ricky? Yes. Why do you have a giant Danny Glover head? It felt like a good idea. It felt like a good idea?

Well, it certainly caught my attention. I'm too old for these shit name tags. It's what? Which one was he? He wasn't Riggs, right? He was the other one? Murtaugh. That's what Murtaugh would say.

Is your last name Murtaugh? No, I'm just Ricky. With a big Danny Glover on a stick. God, I wonder if you, like, just marched down some street here in town. What kind of crowd would develop? What kind of, uh, what people would think is going on?

What's happening? Uh, and then right next to it is another huge one. You guys win the big name tags contest. Too Nat, Too Furious. Because your name is Nat. Ali. Ali, sure.

I like shorting Natalie to Nat. Or Natty. Does anyone call you Natty? In high school. In high school college. That's what I called that whole period of time in my life. High school college. Some high school, some college. All right, you guys. Let me plug a couple of things that are coming up. Thanks for bringing all those name tags and holding them up for so long. Eugene, Oregon. Wow Hall this Tuesday.

Los Angeles. I'll be in David Tell's underground show at the Comedy Store Wednesday night. And Doug Loves Movies returns to Meltdown Comics on Saturday, April 25th at 4.20. Quick thank you to real estate appraiser

Brent Lewis for including Doug Loves Movies on his must list in the latest Entertainment Weekly. Yeah. The one with the Avengers on the cover has this thing.

It's just like, we asked this guy, Brent Lewis, or maybe he just sent it in. They just pick ones that they like or something. But he sent in his must list. Had some pretty good stuff on it. The Avengers was on there.

And comedy podcasts. And then it's listed this show, how did this get made, and who charted. And then he wrote something like don't snicker. or something like that. Something to the effect of that people

think he should feel deep shame for enjoying comedy podcasts. But good job. Good job, Brent Lewis. Oh, the prize bag is so heavy and so full of stuff. What are these wooden boxes that are on the stage? Oh, this is just microphone stuff from the club. I thought maybe somebody in the audience was enterprising

and jumped up here and put some nice prizes on the table. Because these totally look like they should have, like, pipes in them. Little pipe coffins. All right, so I've got to put these aside and remember not to give them away. But, yeah, the prize bag is just chalk. Look at how big and heavy this prize bag is. There's lots of stuff in here.

We will sort through it with the guests because I'm lonely and I'm excited that it's the day before 420. Tomorrow in Denver, Colorado, I'm recording my latest album, my latest triumph. It's recording my latest album. My latest triumph. It's called Promotional Tool.

And it comes out on June 9th. Please give a big warm welcome. Got four great comedians in town. Yeah. And I talked them all into coming over here. it's a beautiful day outside

it's perfect for being inside talking about movies you can't be at a movie during a beautiful day like this you should at least be talking about them so please give a big warm welcome to Matt Fulcheron, Bert Kreischer Ivan Hernandez

and Graham Elwood. We're missing a chair. Somebody's going to have to share. We need a mic, too. We really don't have enough chairs or mics? That's hilarious. Grab a stool. I sent emails where I...

No, let's play some music and you guys can play musical chairs for it. I hope you don't run out of juice, Matt. Fulcher on, ladies and gentlemen. Return guest to the program. I believe it's his second time doing the show. I like your relaxed demeanor. You weren't sweating the no mic, no chair thing.

You enjoying a beer. Matt and I got drunk before we came here. We've been hitting it hard this weekend, Bert. We kind of just got to power through this. All right, well. We periscoped it hard this weekend, Bert, and we kind of just got to power through this. If you don't mind. All right, well. We periscoped it and everything. We sat next to an Italian couple. We almost didn't come.

Yeah. We sat next to an Italian couple who ordered pizza and wine, and we thought, that's kind of hacky. They should get a cheeseburger and fries or something. Fuck you guys. You came out swinging, man. Like, people in this city, they love their people that are just sitting in a restaurant

ordering food. Yeah, but then we assaulted them and I go, why would you get pizza? And they were like, we just got here. It's an Italian restaurant, right? No, it wasn't an Italian restaurant. They went out of their way

to get pizza and wine and Matt and I had a beer. What, they went like into a Thai food place and said, we want a fucking pizza. We're Italian. We're going to suit your kneecaps out if you don't. Listen, this is Bert Kreister, ladies and gentlemen.

You've got to let people know in there. Applaud if you really know who I am. If you don't know who I am. Wait a second. What do you Applaud if you really know who I am. Wait a second. Wait a second. What do you mean applaud if you really... Nobody was fake applauding before. There were a couple.

I saw that guy back there. I think they were all genuinely excited. Trying to weed out the people that weren't... And also, it's not that many people. It's just going to sound the same. Alright, thank you. Alright, if you don't really know who he is, don't applaud this people. It's just going to sound the same. All right, thank you. All right, if you don't really know who he is, don't applaud this time.

It's Bert Kreischer. See, it sounds exactly the same. It does sound the same. It's the people I can see in the light. Like, those two chicks did it because they were like, this is uncomfortable. It's like me saying, I want to watch you have an orgasm. And you're like, ugh. Maybe they're precogs and they knew you were going to call them chicks.

Chicks. So they were hating you ahead of time. I learned something new about my hate-filled life every time I come on this podcast. Minority discrimination reports. I learned I was a fat shamer one time. As a fat person, I was a fat fucking shamer. But I learned a lot. Thank you, Doug, for being my friend.

But you look pretty good right now, though, right? No. You're doing pretty good. No, no, no. You're not at a good weight right now? No, and I have a little addiction to Vicodin, so... Well, all right. Guess I'll tiptoe around you today.

Thanks for sitting right next to me, Alpha. This happens every time, Graham, I've noticed recently, is that the person that needs the most attention sits the closest to me, and the person who needs the least amount of attention sits the fur to me and the person who needs the least amount of attention sits the furthest away. And Matt made that even more, he made even more of a statement

by not even needing a chair. Yeah, I was going to stand without a mic. Now wait a second, now your mic has a cord on it. Are you a magician? Yeah. I thought this was a magic podcast. I'm not familiar with this show. Did they have a reason for doing that?

Nah. It's an appreciation of Magic Mike. Bert Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen. Who? Bert Kreischer. He is so proud of himself that he made a movie reference. Wait, did you see it in my eyes? I looked at you like a great Santini.

I was like, oh, right, Dad? Right, Dad? Did you make a potty? Did you make a Magic Mike 2? Ha, ha, ha. Ha was like, oh, right, Dad? Right, Dad? Did you make a potty? Did you make a Magic Mike 2? That was a shit movie reference, ladies and gentlemen, on multiple levels. I don't want to prejudge

Magic Mike 2, though. It could be hot. I'll be watching that. Could be hot stuff. It's definitely going to be the Godfather Part 2 of Magic Mike's. Really?

You think there will be people debate whether it's better than the first one or not? I think so. There's going to be a lot of think pieces about this. No, I think he's just

going to shoot his brother in a lake. You're going to moan that San Francisco. I'm sorry. That happened in Godfather 2. Remember, Fredo did a bad thing. Spoiler alert. Got one between the beans.

Sorry, guys. There's a lot of murder in those movies. Don't watch them, San Francisco. Kill your television and have a vegan rally. Graham Elwood, ladies and gentlemen. I just realized, I think the five of us are not from these parts. Nope.

Yeah, right? Boo, people that aren't from Hayward. right? Boo, people that aren't from Hayward. Boo, you travelers. You gypsy roamers. You traveling con artists. You fucking grifters. Stay put. We paid

to see this. We saw Britney Spears in Vegas. They had a microphone for her. That was a professional show. We saw Britney Spears in Vegas. They had a microphone for her. Yeah, they really did. That was a professional show. And finally, and I meant to introduce him first. First time guest, you guys. That's right.

Give it up for Ivan Hernandez. Local talent, everybody. As close as it gets to local. Local phenom originally out of Florida I have forsaken my hometown of Miami I am now of San Francisco

I got the papers notarized and Lee signed off really you could just be like I don't want to be associated with Miami on paper. Exactly. Look, when I'm telling people how bad it is, I'm definitely from Miami. Anytime that I'm telling people directly how Florida is the most terrible place in the continental United States, and you know what? I'll extend it to the non-continental United States.

Florida is definitely worse than Guam. Absolutely. Wait, Ivan, I'm from Florida too. We can't represent like that. Oh, shit. We're allowed to carry our own guns and kill people. Where else can you do that? Not in Puerto Rico. Or actually, you probably can. You can bomb Puerto Rico. They don't care.

What did you... I think that was a thing. Yes, Puerto Rico got They don't care. What did you... I think that was a thing. Yes, Puerto Rico got bombed, and they were like, we still want to be part of the United States, at least provisionally. What did you bring for the prize bag, Ivan? Okay.

I get loot crates, which are... One person. Oh, you also have to throw out a bunch of shit every month? Yeah. I got loot crates, so I got a bunch. I got a Joker Batman figure. He is both the Joker and Batman.

I know that it sounds like it doesn't make sense, guys, but you can be both. There's some comic books, Walking Dead, an issue of the Scott Snyder, Greg Capullo Batman. I didn't need to say the creative team, but also, I don't need to get pussy either.

There's some walking... Dude, I got a Batman wristband, and I get so much fucking pussy. It's unbelievable. Just nerd pussy. Just like, yeah, beat me up, Scotty. Yeah, get some of that fake geek girl pussy. Whoa, that's a lot of pussies.

That's not what I was talking about. A transformer. There's a transformer thing in there. Yeah, this is a pussy magnet. That is a Fifth Element-themed Nintendo cartridge action figure. I didn't ask for these things. They just started sending me them for free And I was like, okay So funny, I thought Loot Crate was so different

No, no, they just give you a bunch of shit every month Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad It's really fun, you can play Jenga with it Exactly There's another Transformers thing I don't like that franchise Oh, really? Really, San Francisco? There's another Transformers thing. I don't like that franchise. Oh, really?

Really, San Francisco? There's a lot of transforming robot allies in the crowd? I'm sorry. In San Francisco, we don't want you to commit a robot hate crime. That's what the T in LGBT stands for. Transformer. Lesbian, gays, bisexual, and Transformers. It's true. This is pretty fucking sweet.

It's a Darth Vader keychain. Yeah. That is an actual legitimate thing that I considered not giving to you people. Look, I kept the extra group figure they gave me. I'm not crazy. I can't find my car. Search your feelings.

One floor were you parked on. You know you were in 7A. We got some t-shirts supplied by Mr. Bert Kreischer. Oh, shit. Yeah. You can outfit the whole family. They're like, they're Russian themed.

Like he's some sort of dictator or something. It's propaganda. Yeah. I am the machine. Yep. And it's extra large, medium, and small. How considerate of him to bring all three sizes. Usually when somebody wins a t-shirt in the prize bag,

they just have to twist in the wind if they're not the same size. So that's very considerate of you. Well, they're three bucks a shirt. It's not a big deal. How about some slave labor shirts, everybody? Some small foreign hands made those. We're really selling this prize back, huh? We really are. Hey, here's all the shit we didn't want.

How do you make the shirt so cheaply, Bert? Oh, we use Slaver. Scarf from our friends at Hitman Glass. I was on at midnight recently, so somebody today is going to get some deluscious cookies. Shit. Yeah, yeah, these don't have marijuana in them, though. They're not marijuana cookies.

They're delusious cookies. Oh, and Graham Elwood's Palm Strike Dance Party. Yeah. I have that in all sizes. It's a CD. And do you have those for sale after the show today, Graham?

Yeah, I have those. Wait, you sell them merch after this? That's right, bitch. Oh, fuck, I am too. Me too. She's too. Me too. Me too. $20. Two for 50.

I'm selling some merch too. I've got a Darth Vader keychain. I've got... Anybody want some Transformers shit? A Whistling Bane shirt, which will also be available in the lobby. Only in one size. The size of the shadows. Slip into it.

God, I'm so excited we're selling merch. Matt Fulcher on brought a copy of his CD This is the part of the job I hate Limited edition, it's out of print Are you selling it after the show? I can't afford to get any more made Yeah, I'm selling it after the show How much do you pay per CD? I don't know, but the 20 bucks

Or like whatever you got on you Here's another thing that Ivan brought. It looks like it's some sort of... A Halo Lego? Halo vibrator? A Lego? A Hey Lego. Lego?

Okay. The Halo butt plug, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, it just sort of looks like it. Find the Master Chief within yourself. Really? A lot of master chief slash no butt play people in the crowd? It's 420

somewhere. There's so much stuff in this. Are you a magician? Is this a prize podcast? It's Doug Loves Prizes. This is Doug Loves Prizes. I can't get it out of this giant bag.

Oh, wait, I got it. Shmovie, everybody. Yeah. This had to get through TSA. They weren't suspicious. And? Good fucking god There's still another thing in there

It's like Christmas For the believers For the believers What's that? Oh Oh What is it? A pigeon

All hail the egg. Yeah. A pigeon better jump out of that thing real quick, right? There's pantyhose in here. Oh. No, it's actually a Poke Bowl. It's a nice little Poke Bowl that's got kind of a Weebles Wobble kind of vibe to it. Egg-shaped.

Yeah, pop it open, but there's a dangerous pointy thing inside it, so be careful. Lift the top of the egg off. There's little instructions in there. It's Adderall. You can see that stick pointing up in the middle. You put your pipe on there, and it clears out your pipe, your piece.

And then, yeah, you poke a bowl, and then the bottom of it's made out of rubber that ashes don't stick to so it's very easy to dispose of all the ashes. Poke a bowl. That's a very complicated way to sell a coat hanger. Someone

Someone Look, in some states you can't buy those things. The regulations are very strict. Someone's going home with all of those things today on Doug Loves Movies. Hey, can we start talking about movies now? Yes. What was the last movie you saw, Burt Kreischer? Project Almanac.

Fuck! Are you serious? Wow. Did anyone see it? It's the greatest movie I've ever seen. Are Wow. Did anyone see it? It's the greatest movie I've ever seen. Are you out of your goddamn mind?

It's the greatest movie I've ever seen. The acting is phenomenal. It was shot amazing. And the fucking story? Are you kidding me? Talk about cyclicality. Cyclicality.

You know what I'm saying. No, we don't. No idea. No idea what word you were going for. Oh, circles. The circle big word that smart people use.

Talk about circles. This movie's got them. Not since the last film about the Olympics have I seen more circles. I tried watching Interstellar, but I fucking fell asleep. I didn't get it. Graham's disappointed.

You know, Bert, we were talking about having you on Comedy Film Nerds earlier. I think we've got to maybe re-evaluate that. Listen, I like bad movies. I like the other best movie I've ever seen is The Time Traveler's Wife. That's the best fucking movie. That's a good movie. That's not even the best Rachel McAdams movie. I agree to disagree.

They're all the best. It is such a great movie for a stand-up comic, because I feel like that every time I come home out of the woods. They're like, Mommy, he's here. And then I start disappearing again, because I've got to go back on the road. And I'm always naked, and I wake up... Yeah, it's just like Eric Bana.

You show up with your dong swinging around. Fucking sobbing, crying. I was sobbing, crying at Project Almanac. Oh, my God. Fucking amazing movie. When he goes and sees his dad, he's like, say goodbye to your son. Don't give it away. Don't give it away.

Yeah, don't spoil Project Almanac, you guys. Produced by Michael Bay. Don't ruin that goddamn jam. It still hasn't come out on video, all right? Yeah. It's really good. You'll like it. Call me.

We'll talk through it. Anything with time video, all right? Yeah. It's really good. You'll like it. Call me. We'll talk through it. Anything with time travel, I'm fucking in. Any time travel movie, I am wholeheartedly committed. It is my favorite movie. Have you seen the one with the British guys in the bar? Yeah, I fucking love that! Oh, they go into the bathroom and come out, and everyone's dead.

They're like, uh-oh. Fuck! I want to do a time travel sitcom, but I don't think anyone will believe it. The grown man just said, they come out and everyone's like, uh-oh. And they go like,

hey. What is the name of that movie? Do you know? The British people? Something, something, time, something. Something, Something, Time, Something. Something, Something, Time, Something. That was the working title. What was the real title? Oh, Time was in the time travel movie?

Okay, that makes sense. Did we put Machine in there somewhere? Tinker, Taylor, Time, Something? Hey, did you guys feel like, I can't watch Hot Tub Time Machine because they stole Louis C.K.'s joke in this trailer. Like when they look at the black guy and they go, we're going back to Civil War, you wouldn't like that? That's Louis C.K.'s joke in the trailer. Like when they look at the black guy and they go, we're going back to the Civil War you wouldn't like that? That's Louis C.K.'s joke.

He wrote it like eight years ago and they put it in the trailer. I just, I don't like that. Fuck Hot Tub Time Machine too. Yeah, it's about time somebody stomped all over that movie that has already failed. You remember in Hot Tub Time Machine when Chevy Chase was like, go eat a bag of dicks? That's Louis C.K.'s joke.

He said that? No. Oh, fuck. Don't fucking beat and switch me like that in front of these people, Ivan. I apologize. I apologize. By the way, I would love a game where Bert just describes the plot of a movie and his reaction to it. Go ahead, David.

And people have to guess what the movie is. We still don't know the name of the one he already did. Okay, he's gonna do one. He's gonna do one. Here we go. He's not in it. He's not in it. He doesn't want to do it. And then fuck it. He does it. He comes back. And then he gets broken in half and you think it's over.

But he comes back again. No! And he fucking does it. But it was the chick the whole time! You got it! The game works! The game works. The game works. Fucking, this is good. Wait, what was the answer? Dark Knight Rises.

It was the chick the whole time. I thought you said Tournament of Roses. They're basically the same film. Is Bert describing a parade? Tournament of Roses. It was the French girl? Nice. I got it.

That's a great game to do on some other show. You've already encouraged the audience to yell shit out, which is never a good idea when weed and alcohol are involved. I think all the games today just involved everybody up on stage, so please don't yell out answers. Yes, yes. I still want to know

what the name of that movie was. I'll Google it. What was the third word? It's the guy... You ready? This is how I... What was the one word I should know? Time. This is how I got to figure it was the one word I should know? Time.

This is how I got to figure it out. I got to Google bridesmaids because I know that dude was in Bridesmaids. Chris O'Dowd. Chris what? I thought the guy that played Robin in Batman? No, you idiot. Here's Chris O'Donnell.

Jesus. Who the fuck did you just say? Chris O'Dowd is from Bridesmaids and... Chris O... How would we spell O'Dowd? Calvary. Chris O'Dond is from Bridesmaids. Chris O... How would we spell O'Dowd? Calvary. Chris O'Donnell? Nope.

Chris O'Dowd. Got it. Let's look at his... Oh, how about the one... Chris O'Dowd was... Oh, oh, oh, oh. FAQ you about time travel. And then Chris O'Dowd,

was he in the other one with the dad goes, son, I gotta tell you a secret, we can time travel. And then he falls in love and tries to fall in love. No, no. That was a great fucking movie too.

That's Bill Nye in the movie's called... Bill Nye the Science Guy? Peggy Sue got married. About time. Not to be confused with In Time starring Justin Timberlake.

I might work on a time travel script. Oh, I told you. Did you find out the name of that fucking movie? Oh, yeah, I told you it. FAQ. FAQ, all you need to know about time travel. Frequently asked questions about time travel. Thank you for translating.

Something something time? No, maybe that's not it. Travel? That might not be it. I don't fucking know. It's about time for time? What, you think he's got two titles in his repertoire that sound like they're about time travel?

This is like watching my parents try to remember a movie. You know the one with the guy who wore the hat and that other thing and it had the guy, he had shoes? He had skin. They were all covered in skin. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It's like watching my parents make love. Siri, watch Chris O'Dowd's time travel movie.

What? I just asked Siri. Siri isn't going to know shit about this. Siri does not go to the movies. She just said, are you doing Doug Love's movies? Yeah. Take control, be a guest. Every time I do it,

Eliza and Hal keep fading from photos, Bert. Just answer the question. I'm not sure I understand. Fucker. I don't know. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out as a team. Every interaction I have with Siri, I just end with, I don't know. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out as a team.

Every interaction I have with Siri, I just end with, you don't understand me. You know, if I was going to look it up on the internet, I'd just look it up

on the internet. That's her first go-to every time. Well, let's look it up on the internet. Well, no shit. I could have done that. I've got the internet

in my hands. Ivan, what was the last movie you saw? I saw What We Do in the Shadows. Yes! Yes, it's so good! Very funny. It's very funny. It's a good horror movie. It's very gory at times.

I loved all of the actors and characters. Rhys Darby is fantastic as the werewolf. I found it extremely unrealistic. Only I know what happens in the shadows. You think you are a werewolf? I was born a werewolf. Who knew? Look at me!

I really enjoyed it because there haven't been that many good Mockumentaries since the Great mockumentary market crash of 2005 That post office period where everyone was like We love mockumentaries and then everyone was like No thank you we've moved on to Found footage horror movies

So I enjoyed it It's really good yeah It's mockumentary style but that's really not it's just funny it's just really funny the two guys that wrote and starred

and co-directed it they were on Douglas movies and congratulations to them I say is that the thing about the vampires

yeah it's about vampires yeah that looks good yeah Graham what about you buddy I saw Ex Machina Machina about the vampires? Yeah, it's about vampires. Yeah, that looks good. Graham? What about you, buddy? I saw Ex Machina, Machina, whatever. That's a great film.

Machina, yeah, it's really good, right? It's exceptional. I think it's the best movie to cover the artificial intelligence thing. I mean, you got all those bags of shit like iRobot and Witcher, just fucking stupid. This was great. It's good stuff.

No skits about it, gang. Just a solid review, all right? No skits about it, gang. That's what you get. Is it about time travel? What is it about? It's about crazy Oscar Isaac as like a Steve Jobs-y guy

who lives up in the hills in his goddamn billionaire fort who's created an artificial intelligence and then dude from after time. It's a lady. It's amazing. The CG on it's great and it's awesome and then she kind of turns and what happens

and woo, it's good times. Yeah, she turns, she's like eh. Every now and then I fall apart. Eh. And I think Would you like a grape? Wait, what?

No, no, I'm good on grapes Big surprise A guy makes a robot And it just happens to be a fuckable lady Yeah, she is pretty hot Well, you're making a robot You're not gonna make a dude Why not? Make him with a big dick All your friends come over you're making a robot, you're not going to make a dude. Why not? Make him with a big dick.

All your friends come over, they're like, really, Bert? What, what? Dude, you're dating a machine. Ex machina. No! Doug Bradstead, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not dating the machine anymore. She's my ex machina.

But yes, I recommend it as well. Go see it. Good stuff. Matt Fultron. I saw Whiplash last. Oh, that's good. This guy wants to play the drums, but his teacher is a cunt. Pretty good movie.

By the way, I started that movie thinking it was about roller derby. Isn't there a movie called Whiplash about roller derby. Isn't there a movie called Whiplash about roller derby? There could be, but probably not. There was, right? Whip It. Whip It. Oh, never mind. It's Whip It directed by Drew Barrymore

starring Ellen Page. You got so excited about that that Ellen Page almost got to direct that thing. I think they just showed up one day and threw a dart at the actresses and it hit Drew Barrymore, so she directed it.

But it's in my top three roller derby movies of all time, I'd say, for sure. It's right up there with Kansas City Bomber and Mighty Ducks. Mighty Ducks. Rollerball 2000. Rollerball? Rollerball 2000. Rollerball doesn't count as roller derby.

That's under the future. The future's fucked up. Is it, though? Dystopian sports movies. That's what that goes under. The Running Man? I think that's the only other one. There's been a few futuristic game show situations.

Running Man. Running Man. show situations. Running Man. Running Man. Running Man. Running Man. We're all agreed. Running Man. It's unanimous. I call this meeting of Running Man over. What? We were just naming dystopian sport movies. I'd say Tron.

Look, esports aren't real sports. We all know that. Death Race 2000. Yep. That was off the hook. Oh, the Death Race fan club is in the back, ladies and gentlemen. Good to see you. Woo, you made it. Should have got here early.

Oh, that was mean. Everyone should have a front row seat in their heart. Please, Graham, don't hurt him. Can I get another beer, please? I have a show at 7.30. This is going to be a fucking nightmare. Just pretend it's a late show, guys. In the back that are working here.

Can we do this up until 7.30 so that we can just keep the same crowd and then I can just do all the same jokes? Yeah, you're going to have to talk to management about keeping the same crowd. I think there might be some issues there. I think you've sold some tickets. Those people waiting outside, they're not going to be happy.

I'd be shocked. What? Thank you very much. You're a very popular attraction, Bert Kreis. Would it be possible for me to get a Jameson on the rocks? Thank you. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Could I have a vegan smoothie with chia seeds and a side of goji berries? I like to sprinkle them on the top. Wait, hold on. Hold on. I'm still ordering. In a gluten-free cup. Have you had chia seeds? Yeah.

Have you shit chia seeds yet? In a gluten-free cup. Has anyone shit chia seeds? It's like shooting BBs. It's fucking insane. And they're all like lubed up because they get gooey so they come out rapid fire.

Well, if you rip them off of a chia pet, of course they're going to be gluey. What else are you eating? I just put chia seeds in yogurt to try to fill up and then all of a sudden when you shit, you know they're chia seeds. I'm being serious. Go ahead. Have a spoonful of chia seeds and then all of a sudden, when you shit, you know they're chia seeds. I'm being serious.

Go ahead, have a spoonful of chia seeds, and then just wait, just wait. And then when you shit, you'll be like, oh, Burt was 100% right. I'm very perceptive about shitting. Go bowling tonight. Go bowling, then wipe your ass tomorrow. You'll be like, ow, that hurts.

Wow, two very specific assignments we have, you guys. I hope the all-night chia seed bowling center... Eat some chia seeds and go bowling. The night is still young. Well, unfortunately, we've got some

business to take care of right now This is the part of the show Where I say Let the games begin Take control, San Francisco Got a lot of great name tags in the house today And people are going to hold them up Especially where's Danny Glover?

I called the shawning. Oh, you should have just said, when I said why that, you should have said, I'm a Danny Glover. Danny Glover. I just want to walk around with that, take it home. The members of his fan club are called the Glover. Glover it or leave it. I like the obvious child poster that says

Obvious Cassie. That's very nice. I already know which one I'm picking. That's nice. Good franchise. Go get which one you want to play for. First dreams may come. Shawning! Come up here! This is going in my man cave.

Really look around. Pick the one that's really... Don't ignore the balcony. And while they do that, we'll go to do a commercial break. This is beautiful. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. The wait is finally over.

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built to help small businesses be more productive and successful. Sign up for a free 30-day trial today at xero.com slash podcast. Back to the show. All right, we're back. Who are you playing for, Bert Kreischer? I'm playing for Brian with a beautiful sign that says Bert's dreams may come. Oh, wow. Thank you very much.

I figured out that you were going to be here like a stalker. Well, my name was on the billboard under yours, or above yours, so I'm sure they thought, you know, we're best friends, we do all this stuff together like paddle boarding. We need to spend more alone time together, me and you. Who are you playing for, Ivan? I'm playing for Sean, and his poster is The Sean-ing.

And this is a very well-printed-out poster. That's nice, yeah. I put a lot of effort into this. It's like a real lobby card or something. Yeah, are you guys graphic artists? This is really fucking good. Everybody in San Francisco is a graphic designer. Oh, wow.

Look at that one. Oh, keep going. Graham, what do you got? Well, this gentleman... Something that's gluten-free? Well, no, I don't think these are gluten-free, but he did bring us

a box of donuts and then his... I'm assuming his last name is Wilder because he took a Van Wilder DVD insert and just taped AJ on top of it. But then it opens up,

and you can, you'll go wild over this movie, and there's a dog we all remember from Van Wilder, I guess, that there was a dog and there was a butt that we looked at in Van Wilder, and now that's AJ's thing. But he really just taped a cheap shit on a fucking donut box and that's why I picked him

hats off sir almost yeah went with a lady that had built a miniature city but I could it could be worse it could be the rise of Taj who wants this donut direct to video sequel oh Doug is throwing donuts out in the audience like seals.

You got to catch it with your mouth, sir. Oh, do it, do it, do it, Doug. Who's catching it with his mouth? Catch it on your dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody get a boner and we'll do ring toss. Here's one that doesn't have a hole in it. This is going to be messy, bro.

All right, bro. Can I throw it over here? Pitch that shit. Doug, Doug, Douglas. With your mouth. I feel like we're in the movie Blow. Oh, Black Betty. Bam, bam, bam.

Oh, Black Betty. oh, Black Betty, Black Betty had a child. He's going to get pulled over tonight. No, officer, I swear to God, it's donut. Yeah, I apologize to Cobbs. If donut sales go down tonight, let me know. If the house donuts don't sell as well,

I apologize. The house donuts. Every donut you give out is a donut they don't sell. You fucking cunt. Does it ever cross your mind to just pull the mic away from your laughing mouth? The laugh is half my career. Well, go ahead and do the other half

and take your goddamn shirt off. I'd put it more into thirds, maybe. One third the laugh, one third shirtlessness, and one third you should choke something. I should choke something. I didn't get that part. Aren't you kind of known for, like, if people bring something up on stage, you'll drink it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess so. I thought you were talking about Heimlich Maneuver. I was like, Twink, because I've given the Heimlich Maneuver before. What about what I said made you think I brought up the Heimlich Maneuver when I said you need to chug?

Oh, I thought you said choke. I thought you said choke, and I was like, I don't know, that's not in my act. Ch, I thought you said choke. I thought you said choke and I was like, I don't know, that's not in my act. Choking out Tiger Woods and bitches. I bet some people wish you'd choke

on that laugh. No, don't worry, I get those emails. Oh, really? Yeah, and I just have to say, hey man, I love life. I do love life.

I laugh by myself. Yeah. He loves it so much that he ruins it for everyone. Who are you playing for, Ivan? I had Sean. We already went through Sean. All that stuff with the donuts,

I didn't ever hear the person's name. Who are you playing for, Graham? AJ Wilder. Who are you playing for, Graham? AJ Wilder. AJ. And who are you playing for, Matt? A guy named Matt. It's Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt World.

It's a play on It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World. Yeah, and he's got the big W. Suitcase. Yeah. Very clever, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt. I was drawn to it. It's got my name on it. Yeah, that worked out great. Didn't it? Yeah. Very clever, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt. I was drawn to it. It's got my name on it. Yeah. That worked out great. Didn't it? Yeah. Let's play some games and determine who's going to win the prize bag.

Since we don't have a time limit, can we play a couple games? I don't know why you think we don't have a time limit. I don't know where that got into your head. Well, there's not like an all-ch not like a, like a all chick review. Who likes kind of a plain kind of one? All right, I'm really going overhand this time, dude. You ready? Yeah, yeah.

It's coming at you, newsies. Oh, through the mouth, through the mouth. Someone's got to get in the mouth. Through the mouth. Oh, my God. Are you going to eat the floor donut? It's okay. It's okay. You have to eat the floor donut? It's okay You have to eat the floor donut now

I wish there was a guy with a speed gun Pointed at that 40 miles an hour I would have got a fucking donut in his face I think that was at least 50 That was a 50 mile an hour donut Oh my god Alright so

If you started toking that would be half my career I can't tell you how happy I am That I still have six donuts left I'll hit the back row I got a good arm I think my shows from now on I'm just going to start bringing a box of donuts And just throwing them at people in the audience

Because it's really, there's something, it feels great. It makes you feel powerful. It's awesome. Yeah. Graham, you want to? Yeah, I'd like to chuck a donut. He's going to get one.

Do we all get to chuck a donut? It's tough to get the right arc to get it into the balcony. Graham, Graham, no, here's what you got. Are there people in the balcony? They did bring enough donuts for everybody. See if you can make it in the bar. Okay, I can't go over it because I've got to seal it. Well, the bar's got people trying to work, so I don't know if you want to chuck a... I'm going to go side bar. Okay, I can't go over there because I've got to seal it.

The bar's got people trying to work. I'm going to go sidearm. This is going to come in so hot. Please hit someone from the waist. There's a server with a tray of... Oh! In the bar! In the fucking bar!

In the bar! In the fucking bar. I get the biggest stuffed animal you got, top shelf. That was fucking impressive. Wow. Huh? You ever seen one of these, San Francisco? It's called the fucking...

Oh, the donut came back. Yeah, that's right. And it collapsed because it got close to me. That makes no sense. That was super impressive. Wow, you are going to get a call from the bartender's union of San Francisco, my friend, because that was dangerous. Bartenders, tip the bartenders well.

They're getting donuts chucked at them. Thanks, fellas. Sorry. Imagine he goes home to his girlfriend. How was your shift? I don't drink, but I'll give you guys a nice tip for a glass of water and some chia seeds that Bert's going to watch me shit out later. You go to a show that's advertised as 420, you get what's going to happen.

You get that donuts might be hurled at your face. Yes! Oh, yeah. Whether you're working there or just in the audience, you're going to get a donut in the face. It's 420. For crying out loud. There's a donut in the face somewhere, bro.

Donut in the face every day. What? Alright. Now, because of my hand, that was a cinnamon one, I put it on. Now my microphone smells like cinnamon and sugar. Let me smell it. Yeah. What if the movie Friday was just...

Everyone's gonna think Ralphie May just performed here. Burn! What? Too soon? Woo-hoo! What if the... But seriously, what if

in the movie Friday they just sat on the porch throwing donuts at people as they walked by, instead of smoking weed. That'd be a much better message, right? Yes, yes. Craig, I know you don't eat donuts, right? But you can eat donuts today.

Bye, Frosted. Quoting lines. That is awesome. Good job. Full charge. Alright, you guys. Let's play some games. The first game is a little something called How Much Did This Shit Make?

And Avatar is still the number one movie of all time. Despite being a great piece of shit. When that movie came out, people were so mad at me for not liking it.

They really took it personal. But now, I don't think people care anymore. That next Avatar needs to come out. Get those people back. They're all Games of Thrones-ing or something. Right? Everybody's just waiting to build up interest

for James Cameron's Avatar theme park. That's a real thing that's happening. Now that's probably going to be a lot of fun, you know? There you probably get,

you know, taken for a ride or whatever. So Gordon Weaver's like, hey, respect nature. Avatar the movie is if you fall in love with a girl

that's on the opposite side, you can go ahead and be a traitor. Makes it totally okay. I thought it was about riding horses. Because if anyone's ever ridden a horse, it's all about the connection you have with that animal. When you get that animal and they choose them.

Is that why you're trying to put your penis into that horse's tail? If you ever ride a horse, it's a lot like Avatar. It has no plot? Come on. And shitty dialogue? GrahamElwood.com We'll start with, for all your Avatar hatred, Matt, how much did the Avatar,

it's the highest grossing film Domestically according to Boxofficemojo.com How much in millions Did Avatar 1 As it soon will be known Pretty stressed out How much did it make

How much any movie made Highest grossing I'm just going to go with $900,000 I mean no $900,000. I mean, no, 900 grand. 900 million. Entire run.

Well, it's a piece of shit, man. 900 million. Okay, Matt says 900,000 million. No, no, no. No, I didn't. I go $100. For reals? Yeah, no. No, I didn't. I go $100. For reals? Yeah, Doug. That's what I'm going to choose.

Okay. Grant says $100. You're a cock wagon. I want to say this thing broke just domestic, so not worldwide. Is that the thing? Just domestic, yeah. I didn't know that. North American box office. North American box office.

North American box office. Matt wants to change his answer. Too late. $899 million. I'm not going to write it down. We'll just remember. I'm actually going to go domestic. I'm going to say $750 million. It did over a billion worldwide, but that's what I'm going to say $750 million.

It did over a billion worldwide, but that's what I'm going to say it did domestically. Is this Price is Right rules? Yeah, yeah. Grounds going $750 million. What do you think, Bert? Are you asking me how much money did Avatar make domestic? Stop it! Stop it! You guys can't see this, but he's cheating.

I'm a snitch. I snitch at any time. Nobody likes a cheater. What? What? You have to maintain the integrity of the box office guessing game. Fuck. Call the high council.

We need to get him tested. You really tried to look that up on your phone behind your name tag? Siri. I had Siri tell me. Siri, how much money does it make? It's so hard to whisper to Siri. No, I didn't even whisper. I just asked it out loud.

Oh, I see. You were repeating the question. I was repeating the fucking question into my phone. Now I get it. How much money did they make domestically? Go ahead and straight up ask her. Because she's not going to have the answer.

I don't typically go to the movies. I don't feel that box office receipts are a good way to judge the quality of a film. I prefer watching Netflix at home.

She told me she couldn't find any ATMs near me. What the fuck? Thanks, Siri. There's one in this building. There's one in this building. I'm going to say

domestically it scored $938 million. Oh, fuck you, man. Okay, Ivan. I'm going $800 million, nice and even. Nice and even. Not a dollar more, not a dollar less. Nice and even, Ivan.

The first movie to make the exact change at the box office. All right. Well, it made less than most of you thought it did. Which makes Graham Elwood our winner. Oh, shit.

That's right. With a $750 million bid because it came in at $760.5 million. Oh, shit. That's what I'm60.5 million. Oh, shit! That's what I'm talking about, SF! Oh, ho! Boston Rocks!

To be added to a couple, two, three mil when they re-release it closer to the release of the next one. Wasn't worldwide, though? Didn't it do like $1.3 billion or some shit like that? Oh, yeah. All over the world it's probably four or five times that amount. It's crazy. But are we taking in the depreciation of the dollar since when that was to now? What about inflation?

Yeah, with inflation I think I'm a little more close. Okay, let me go ahead and crush those numbers. See if I can get an answer for you real quick. I love statistics. Yeah. $900,000. $900,000. I want to ask Siri a question now Siri's been pretty good to me

Who Who Who is Bert Kreischer She's going to think an owl's asking her Kreischer. She's going to think an owl's asking her. Who is Bert Kreischer? Shaking it. Yes.

You've got to show that Siri who's boss. Oh, she pulled up your contact information. Oh, read it out loud. Because I have it. Your mobile number is 323. Keep going. Let's play chicken. Oh, you got my number.

Good point. Good point. All right, so Graham gets to go first in our next game. And who was next closest in the bidding? I think it was even Ivan. Even Ivan, that's my name. Yeah, it's Ivan. So we'll go Graham, Ivan, Bert, Matt. Oh, I'll jump in there too.

We'll go Bert, me, Matt. So it's going to be tough on you, Matt. Sorry about that. It's fine with me. Pretty great at this. Matt, are you drinking? What's happening, Bert? Is Matt drinking?

Can Matt get a Heineken? Because he's got to do the same show I have to do. Yeah, we've got to even this out, Ivan. Oh, that's only fair. Yeah, you should drink the same amount. So we're getting him a Heineken? Yes, can you guys get Matt a Heineken so that he's equally as drunk as I am

so that the audience thinks, oh, it must be us. Thank you, Cobbs Comedy, for bringing him that drink so fast. God damn it, you're fucking good. You guys are on it. Round of applause. 20%, you guys, 20%.

Guys, tip your weights down. Does the bar need another donut sent to it? Hey, you want to cram another donut down your throat holes? You guys need any coconut for them daiquiris? Coming at you. You want me to one-hop a peanut glaze back there? Oh, here it comes. Here it goes, here it goes.

Please, though, please. Oh! Oh, my God. Ma'am, are you okay? Ma'am, are you okay? Are you talking about Doug and the way he throws? Ma'am, are you okay? Are'am, are you okay? Are you talking about Doug and the way he throws? Ma'am, are you okay? Are you okay watching Doug throw like a girl?

Are you okay? Are you okay with that? Luckily, Doug threw it like it's a league of their own tryouts. By the way, somebody threw the cinnamon donut back towards the stage and hit a guy in the back of the head. Oh, no. Not cool, man. And he looks like he's crying a little bit. By the way, somebody threw the cinnamon donut back towards the stage and hit a guy in the back of the head. Oh, no. Not cool, man. And he looks like he's crying a little bit.

Dude, there's no crying in donut throwing. It could have been worse. A guy could have thrown it at you. Now we know why he loves movies. Stay inside, Douglas. Don't go after those boys. I threw it like that. I was trying to keep it low to get it into the bar.

Oh, yeah. And I've never thrown anything like in that way. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put that spin on it. Real quick, Bert. Let me show you how I meant to throw it. We won't be seeing a...

Never mind. I can't every podcast devolve into food throwing. What? Why can't every podcast devolve into food throwing? You know what I want to do now? I'm fucking waiting to get smacked. I want to put a stain on that wall over there. Oh, shit!

You want me to whack off on it? And no one will ever, they'll always remember it was you, Doug. I think they'll just clean it off. Well, guys, everybody watch out. Give me that donut back. The donut wasn't hurt at all. Here we go. The donut wasn't hurt at all Here we go The donut's fine

Guys I got a show at 7.30 It's gonna be smelling like we fucked a baker in here Please Graham Please Please Graham No Guys we gotta clean this up

On behalf of the waitstaff, I hope you're cleaning this up. I'm sorry, guys. I just lost control for a second. That's my fault. Very civilized. This is why the terrorists hate us, by the way. Let's throw food at people and walls.

Thank God they weren't croissants. Planting clouds. I want to... Here, go stand over there. I'll do it. Bring your sign. Leave your mic there. I will bet money on the fact that

from one side of the stage to the other side of the stage you cannot hit me. I can't hit the sign? I'll give you a sign, but leave your mic there. I will bet money on the fact that from one side of the stage to the other side of the stage, you cannot hit me. I can't hit the sign? I'll say me. I've seen you throw twice. You got it. I'll say you can't hit me. I'm going to hit you.

But take the sign. I want you to have some kind of protection. I think I've got protection. It's called your childhood not throwing a ball. All right. Hey, wait, wait, wait. Someone fucking videotape this. I'll roll video on it.

Here we go. I really think you cannot hit me from a fucking cross the stage. 100%. The only thing that would stop me from hitting you is being overly enthusiastic about hitting you. No. And you can't take a call.

You know what I mean? You've got to stand there and throw it. If I lob it, it'll definitely hit you. No, yeah. No, no, no. Try to lob it. Try to lob it. I'm just saying when I go to the...

Wait, no. What are you getting closer for? I'm just saying... I'm just saying when I go to the when I'm at the carnival, I play to win. Oh yeah, I get it. I play baseball competitively. It's not necessarily about looking the best.

Live streaming on Periscope, ladies and gentlemen. Alright, here we go. Alright, here we go. God damn it. I will say. USA. USA.

USA. USA. USA. USA. 420. I will say that was very close to not hitting me. The traditional 420 Eve donut throw. We've done that. Hey, Bert.

I wouldn't have been able to kill that guy if I didn't hit him right in the heart. You hit me in the shoulder. It was like right here, wasn't it? Not in my shoulder. Bert, did you fart? Oh did you fart Where's the stain at Did you fart when you got hit I didn't fart why does it smell Somebody farted

It's gonna be a fucking clusterfuck for my show What do you mean There's all this donut shit all over the place I got a lot of splint By the way from a foot away Hit me in the exact same spot all over the place. I got a lot of splint. By the way, from a foot away, hit me in the exact same spot.

That's consistency. Who wants a taste? Right now. That donut's disgusting. Wait a minute. There's a balcony. I'm going to hit the balcony. Oh, shit. By the way, this is a much. I'm going to hit the balcony. Oh, shit.

By the way, this is a much funner way to do bulimia. Well, that wasn't bad. I mean... Graham, you accidentally dropped your microphone. I'm sorry. The donut grease, it slipped. Graham, I gotta be honest with you. You are extremely talented at this. You should go to Palestine and work for a team. No, I was on the donut team in junior high.

High school, college? Yeah, high school, college. You never went pro? Yeah, nah, I just... Well, the league, the donut league, wasn't as big as it is now, so... Yo, who's winning? The Donut League of Shadows?

You should work at a stadium selling donuts. Yeah, and be like... And just donut, you just throw the fucking donut to people. That'd be awesome. We'll do a screenplay about it

and then they recruit you to be like the closer because you're so good. It's like Happy Gilmore meets donuts. And then there's like a young upstart donut kid and we go head to head

and they're in a donut competition. He's got munchkins. Yeah, yeah. It's insane. And he's like throwing donut holes and I'm like, you're not a traditionalist.

I don't like it. And it's called Old Fashioned. Boom. Ivan. What are we doing? This is comedy. This is what comedy is.

Let's start over. This is, by the way, my favorite Doug Love movies I've ever been on. Me too. I can tell you my least favorite and I can tell you my favorite. This is my favorite. Yeah, there's something about wasting food.

Even if it's just donuts. I don't think we're wasting food. I think we're preventing diabetes. That's a good way to look. Yeah, because it's often that one donut. You've got to suddenly be over the edge and have diabetes, right? That one donut could do it.

This would be bad if this was the podcast they turned Ethiopians on to podcasting with. It's on the front page of the Ethiopian iTunes store. Hey, Ethiopians, check out this podcast. The first episode has a guy with a wonderful laugh. Let's play some more games. I think we're... I was trying to get into a game of Last Man Stanton

when I was rudely interrupted by my desire to throw donuts. Who was our favorite donut tosser? It's gotta be Graham. It's Graham. It's Graham. Not on the stage.

I mean, in the audience. Who did we really nail? Well, this guy got hit in the head. Oh, the lady right there. And the lady. The lady right there. Yeah, you beat that lady up. I think the guy who tried to catch it in his mouth and it dropped to the floor, that guy.

Oh, that guy's terrific. Let's talk to that guy. Oh, this lady got hit in the face. Sorry. Yeah, This lady got hit in the face Sorry You should have caught it ma'am Do you listen to Doug Loves Movies ma'am? Yeah When we play Last Man Standing

Do you have someone that you think of That you would think would be a good person for us to use? I know she's looking around I'm glad I hit you. Karma's a bitch! I'm not serious. I'm just teasing. It's okay. But my friend over here that I did hit

in the face with a donut. The other person? The other of my two donut massacres. Gary Busey. That's interesting. I don't know how long that's going to last. Start with Graham. Gary Busey.

No audience suggestions, please. It's just between these men on stage. Oh, fuck me. I will go point break. God damn it. Asshole. And I got shit in the holster.

Really? It's a little early to get cocky. I always get fucking beat in this game. Ivan. Lethal Weapon? Uh-huh. Perfect. You took, it looks like you guys took

Bert's dream Gary Busey double feature. So what else you got, buddy? Celebrity rehab? It's fun getting laughs, isn't it? Gary... Gary Busey. Yes, that's the one. I don't have anything.

Okay, you're out. Can I go? I'm gonna go with the Buddy Holly story. Oh, fuck! I've read that book. Matt, can you think of any Gary Busey movies? Pass. Did you say pass?

Pass. Go back to Graham. No, I think you said Tess. He wasn't in Tess of the Darbinvilles. Okay, Matt's out. Graham? Big Wednesday. Yeah.

Big Wednesday. One surfer in the audience. Oh, boy. Ivan? I want to say he was in Mars Attacks just because the odds of somebody who was an actor in the 90s being in Mars Attacks,

it's pretty good. He was not in Mars Attacks. Then I was wrong. But Jake Busey was... I don't know. Jake Busey. This should be easier than it is, because he worked a lot,

but then he kind of stopped. It's really just Point Break, though. It's really Point Break was really the... Point Break. Yeah, I'm trying to think of another one that he was in, and nothing's coming to me. The guy's famous, man. I know.

Oh, wow. You thought of one? I got one, I got one, I got one. The Firm. The Firm. Yeah, it's true. Holly Hunter blows him under a desk. That's right.

That's right. I remember every KOTOP series. That's like him under a desk. That's right. That's right. I remember every blowjob scene. That's like him with time travel. I just remember blowjobs. Something, something, blow something. Something, something, cock and mouth, something, something, part two. Do you have another one, Graham?

Predator 2. Oh! Another Danny Glover being in a blowjob! Predator 2. Throw a donut at him, Graham. Glover being in a blowjob. Predator. Throw a donut at him, Graham. Glover and Busey was a great creative team. Great Busey.

Just picture him coming in out of breath all the time. Telling people, just yelling at people to do things. Busey. But I can't think of shit. yelling at people to do things. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Here she is. But I can't think of shit. I got good and high for today. And, uh, I know when you guys start yelling them out, you're gonna have some juicy ones, but Graham is the winner of Last Man Stanton. Cops, my first time ever

winning Last Man Stanton is right here on 419. Do you have another one, Graham? No, I was out. If you didn't have anything, that's what I was banking on is I got you. I had nothing else. I couldn't come up with that one more, but also I didn't want to waste any more time. But what ones did we miss, you guys? Rookie of the Year. Rookie of the Year.

Rookie of the Year. Drop Zone with Wesley Snipes. Yes. Black Sheep. Rookie of the Year, I heard. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I'm with Busey. Silver Bowler.

It wasn't in Schindler's List? It wasn't in Schindler's List. Silver Bowling. He was in Schindler's List? He wasn't in Schindler's List. No way, no way. He played the little girl in the coat. He was in Schindler's List? Hey, Doug, you know they're making... Remember last time we talked about how I thought all movies should be made black?

You know they're doing that... You know they're doing that with Uncle Buck now? They're doing a black version of Uncle Buck? Yeah, yeah. I just found that out. It's the new thing. What's it called? Uncle Buck. I don't know. It's like a big chicken

and waffles he flips. You know who's playing Uncle Buck? I believe it's one of the Epses. I don't know if it's Mike or Omar. They're not brothers. Are they not? No, that's very racist. All black guys with the last name are related.

No, they're not brothers. They're not even related. But it is Mike Eps. You knew that? Are Michelle Pfeiffer and Mackai Pfeiffer not related? Shaquille O'Neal is related to the guy who makes wetsuits. That's why they're black. I don't know if you noticed that.

The guy who makes wetsuits. O'Neal wetsuits are just some dude in Redondo Beach. Jeff O'Neal. What do you do for a living? Make wetsuits. What of it? Oh, weird. Just somebody has to.

It's better than being an abortion doctor. I'm just saying that's a weird... Oh, fuck you guys. I bet you there's a thousand jobs that are worse than wetsuit maker, and you went right to abortion doctor. Right. I mean, like bartender at Cobb's, having donuts thrown at him.

That would be an example of something that's... It's inhumane. It is. They're going to get combat pay tonight. That would be an example of something that's inhumane. It is. They're going to get combat pay tonight. Graham gets to pick the first category. And then we'll go to Matt and Bert and Ivan. Graham gets to choose between...

So this is Len M Malton we're going? Yeah. Okay. We're supposed to stay awake until midnight tonight? Did I say that? What do you mean? This is going to be a long fucking night.

You're going to stay and participate in my show later? Well, I got to do my show and then you got your show at like 9.45. I might as well just go to that bar, drink, come back, and then be a part of that.

Yeah, you might as well. I'm not promising anything. No promises, you guys. I'll probably just laugh, take my shirt off, and take a shot. And then be like, of that. Yeah, might as well. I'm not promising anything. No promises, you guys. I'll probably just laugh, take my shirt off, and take a shot. And then be like, that's my time. You leave him wanting that one more percent. Graham, would you like Fifty Shades of Grape? Which, of course, is films where Johnny Depp has sex.

Or would you like Nationwide is on your side? And of course is films where a child dies. Here's a tough one. Nobody ever wants it for some reason. First Name Basis. And this will be a movie where when I read the names Here's a tough one. Nobody ever wants it for some reason. First name basis. And this will be a movie where when I read the names after all the bidding is done, I'm only going to read the actor's first names.

Yes, makes it extra tough, probably. Unless Madonna's in it. Right? Oprah. Then I'll just be... Or if it's Purple Rain. It's just the color purple The butler

Yeah yeah Prince Common Alright Graham which one of those Do you want to play Wow I gotta go

Jay Dizzle Throwing down Fifty Shades of Grape Okay Nobody else cares, but I guess I'm excited about it. I just for a second there, Jay Dizzle throwing down.

I was like, which category is that? Dead Kids. Dead Kids, yeah. And this is movies where Johnny Dex has sex? Johnny Dex has seps. Tons of seps. Tons of seps. He's a seps machine. You're just a machine.

He's a seps machine. I already know the movie. I can name it. Hang on. Let's play by the rules. Starts with Graham. Might not even get to you. Two and a half stars from Mr. Leonard Maltin.

Another movie. two and a half stars from Mr. Leonard Maltin for this film in which Johnny Depp has sex from the year 2012. Know it. No, I don't know it. I thought it might take that turn right around that time. Leonard says about this movie

that it's amusing. It's amusing. And then it has a lavish production design. And he lists 12 let's call it 10 people.

10 people. Ten people. How many names can you get in Graham Elwood? It's amusing. Out of ten? I will go seven. Seven's a very strong opening bid. Ivan?

I will go four names. Another strong counter bid. Bert, we got to you. You can go lower. You can challenge Ivan. You said four? Yes.

I'm not the kind of guy that goes, tell me. Because that's not what anybody's asked to do here. So wait, if I say three names And I get it wrong, who wins? It would depend on if What Matt Fulcheron does with those three names He could bid lower or challenge you I'm just, I mean by nature I'm a gambling sort I'll take three

He says three Matt Name it Fuck off Matt I don't know it Chocolat I don't fucking know it What was the question again The question is Why do I

Stop it Bert no no Bert no no Can I get Bert, no. No. Can I get a spray bottle of water up here? Johnny Depp has sex. Two and a half stars. 2012. Amusing.

Lavish production design. And then out of the ten names, you get three. Reading from the bottom. Ah, fuck. Read it from the top. Really, it's interesting that you bid based on hoping I'll change the rules of the game.

The three at the bottom are Christopher Lee, Gully McGrath, good old Gully, and Chloe Grace Moretz. Whose work I enjoy. What do you think it's called, Bert? 2012. Johnny Depp has sex. Where was I in 2012? Well... Wow, did I say show your work? I know the name of the movie I know the movie

Johnny Depp was a vampire That's the movie But you have to tell us the title I can't remember the fucking name right now In five seconds Something the height Hold on, hold on, just don't do that to me. It is...

Three. The fucking... It's the fucking movie where there's a vampire and the... Two. The fucking... Something heights. The fight. One.

I don't fucking know, Doug. Don Juan DeMarco. Oh, it's Don Juan DeMarco? No. That's not what it is. No seconds left. No, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on.

It's right on the tip of my tongue. Joey Diaz pulled me aside and he asked me if I wanted to go see it with him and I was like, no. Pulled you aside? He said it's going to be I don't want anyone else to hear this. Michelle Pfeiffer was in it.

I remember the fucking movie because I ended up watching it. But I want you to go see this with me. He's like, dog, dog, dog. You cocksucker. It's going to be a good fucking movie. Alright. No answer?

Pacific Heights? No, it wasn't Pacific Heights. It's the fucking... I don't know the name, Doug. I give up. What is it? It's called Dark Shadows. Dark Shadows. Can I get part points?

Matt has a point. You have no points. But if it makes you feel any better, Ivan and Graham also have no points. I was close, wasn't I? Close to what? It wouldn't hurt one of you guys to go, Mark Shallow. We'll start with Ivan

and move towards Graham. And a quick reminder, we've only got a couple minutes left here to finish this up, so we can't... Yeah, sorry. Lots more show tonight. Come back and see Bert and Matt at what time is your show?

7.30. 7.30? Pacific Coast time. Mark Shadows. Thank God it's on the time that we're in. Ivan, would you like Dear White People? And that's movies starring Betty White, Jack White, or Mike White. Don't pick that one.

Bert's on the record as saying he doesn't want you to choose that one. I'm not good at those. Go Bananas. That sounds good to Bert. I saw both of those. It's movies with apes in the title. I'll give you an example. The Grand Budapest Hotel.

Look at Bert's face, everybody. He's like, there are no apes in the Grand Budapest Hotel. Buda-pe-e-e. Yes. That could be very confusing. I wouldn't pick that one either. Clark Meadows. Or Wahlberg versus...

Wahlberg versus Wahlberg. Oh, fuck yeah. That's Mark Wahlberg movies where he had two movies come out in the same year. That's the one. That's the one. I will go with Dear White People. This would be one of them.

You're not even white. I know, that's why I'm taking it. 2002, 2003, or 2009? What's this category? We weren't paying attention, sorry. Dear White People, movies with Betty White, Jack White, or Mike White in the film.

Who the fuck's Mike White? Don't tell him! Okay, look. I'm in. Who the fuck's Mike White? He's a writer. Don't tell him, for Christ's sake. Okay, look. I'll go 2002. 2002. Three and a half stars from Leonard

for this movie. But he says the person who wrote the screenplay co-stars in the film. Can I... He also says... Were you going to solve it? I don't know. I'm going to

play by the rules of the game. I'm a first time guest. You have to be very proper. Good writing and wonderful acting. And he lists eight names. How many can you get it in, Ivan? Zero names.

Graham Elwood, Ivan says zero. By the way, if I get this as a non-canon outside of Los Angeles episode, if I get it in zero names, do I make the Tournament of Champions? It's... It's... What? He knows better than you, random people in crowd. This is a great question, actually, because, in case anybody's

wondering, we've moved on to the, we're into the final round of the tournament of championships, of the super tournament of championships. And that's going to lead into the super duper tournament of championships. And so all the players

are locked in, so we just have to finish all of that. So that's a big no to your request. Fair enough. Then I'm not going to be fancy and go negative two names. I'm going to stick with my bit of zero. Okay. Negative two names. He's sticking with his bit.

How would you do negative two names? I name two people. You have to name the top two build people in the correct order. It's tricky, Bert. Yeah, no, this is... So, I'm still going zero. So it goes to me then? How many times do you think you've been on the show, Bert? If you had to guess. I can answer that in

three... Negative two times. Okay, Graham. Ivan says zero. He's confident. Name it. He's young. He's dry. He's secure. It's School of Rock. No, it's a motion picture called The Good Girl.

Oh, fuck me! The Good Girl. What writer-director was in that film? Mike White. Stupid Mike White having to be in movies he's already written. God damn it. It's so much fun watching a nerd fail. I'm gonna say it.

Icarus flew too close to the movie. This is like watching Mick Henry get her car towed. God damn it. Alright, Graham's on the board. We gotta hurry you guys. Should've gone 2013. We gotta go fast. We're gonna start with you

Bert and then go to Matt. I can name it in zero names. You're getting ahead of yourself. I could see the over-excited rookie. I could just see it. He was all shaky. I got it.

I was like, name it. You'll never get this. And that's why they call him old-fashioned. That's right. From before. It's a callback. It's a callback. It's a callback. I got it.

I got it. God. Bert. Yes. That's what she said. That's movies with a female narration. I've seen zero of those. Keep going.

We've seen lots of movies where a woman does narration. Yeah, right. Unless Happy Gilmore had a chick reading it in a man's voice. Nope. I don't want to blow it for later, but I'll tell you one afterwards that you've definitely seen. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Okay, or Fast Batch Cumberbender. And that's movies with Michael Fastbender or Benedict Cumberbatch. Not both. Considering I've only seen one Benjamin Cumberbatch movie. Wait, you haven't seen a batch of Cumber? I've only seen one Cumber. You've seen the one?

I've seen one batch of Cumber, and it was seen one Cumber. You've seen the one? I've seen one batch of Cumber, and it was the one where he played the gay guy who was autistic. All right, maybe this category's up your alley. Yeah, Benjamin Cucumber. Martin Scorsese. Martin Scorsese? Martin Scorsese. Okay.

And that's Martin Scorsese movies without an R. He didn't get the R rating on some of his films. Oh, I thought you meant like excluding Godfather. Godfather 2. I'm going to go with female narrated movies and pray to God

it's Eat, Pray, Love. You just do not understand how this game works at all. Would you like a movie from 1990 or 2006? You know, I'm actually confused right now. Are you? I don't know what we're doing. You are actually confused.

1990. He is actually confused. It is no longer an act. It's an actuality. Take your shirt off, Diz. Would you like a movie that has a female narration in it from 1990 or 2006? Considering I was not talking to a lot of females in 1990, I'm going to say 2006.

Sounder logic I've never heard. Three stars from Leonard for this movie from 2006. 2006. He says the lead character is buttoned down. Buttoned down.

Got it. He says the movie has a clever concept. Okay. Yeah, and a fine cast. I'll give you a fine cast as well. Really?

And he names nine people that were involved in this movie. How many names can you get it in? It's got female narration in it. And what was the plot? Supposedly. Well, there's this guy. He's buttoned down. And what was the title?

Okay, 2006, I Just Had a Daughter. It's a fine cast. I was living in the upstairs apartment in Detroit, 435 Detroit Street. How many names out of nine? Like, nine is one way to just move this along. I'm going to say nine. He's taking nine names. Can I go back and say more or less?

Uh-uh. Okay. Matt. I'm going to say seven names. Whoa, that's an interesting position for Graham Elwood. I'm going to say name names. Whoa, that's an interesting position for Graham Elwood. I'm going to say name it. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

God damn it. I'm going to say I can't. Here we go. This is for the win because if... Or the lose, depending on who you are. If Matt does not get this, Graham will win. And if he does get it, he'll win. So I have no chance of winning at all?

You have no chance. It's kind of like if I were running this place, I would kill your mic right now. Guys, I got a second show. If you want to get tipped out, no, no, no, no. Higga, higga, higga. If you want to get tipped out, you're threatening them.

I was just joking around. Nobody's going to turn off shit. How many years did you spend in mime school to get that good at that? You look like one of those things where you pull the tie and its mouth starts flapping and it starts laughing and spits in your face.

I think you're thinking of Teddy Rupskin. No. I'm thinking of Patty. Before the show ends, could I get another Jameson on the rocks? Look, guys, I don't make a lot of money. I gotta get the free drinks where I can. Seven names. Matt Fulcheron.

Easy. Kristen Chenoweth. Oh, shit. I already don't know the answer. Linda Hunt. Coming together. Tom Hulse. Right. Tony Hale. Oh, okay. Tony Hale? Queen Latifah.

Stop making noises. Dustin Hoffman. Uh-huh. And Emma Thompson. Matt, the movie is called... Congratulations, Graham Elwood. That's a crazy name for a movie. No idea?

The Donut Hero starring Graham Elwood. Graham, do you know the name of the movie? No idea? The Donut Hero starring Graham Elwood. Graham, do you know the name of the movie? Nope. Emma Thompson is a voice that you hear doing narration in the film and it stars Maggie Gyllenhaal and Will Ferrell and it's called Stranger Than Fiction. Graham Elwood has done it again.

He is our winner. Good job, Graham. Where's the person you played for, Graham? A.J. Where's A.J.? The donut man. He deserves it. He made the show. There you go, dude.

Thanks for the donuts, dude. Thank you, man. Thank you, A.J. I'll sign that. Sign that shit. Sign that shit. Yo, let me get my CD back. Yo, yo, can't get that keychain.

Who are you? This one sucks. Wait, did he say who are you to me? I'm the local talent slot. Who are you? What a rude thing to yell. Really? After I said so many nice things

And gave him so much shit Give me all my comic books back What are you breaking up With another nerd? I want my comic books I want you to transfer All the downloadable content From the video games

We played together Onto my account I get to see the action figures Every other weekend Hey the shawning Do you have a shithead? It's not on here, is it? No, no, he does. Where is it?

Oh, I see it. I see it now. Is there a shithead on the back of your thing, Matt? There's nothing on the back, I don't think. There's got to be. Is there? They say there is. Just pass it over to me.

Do you have any plugs, Matt Fulcheron? What do you got going on? Yeah, I'm going to be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin At the Miramar on the 25th of April And I'm going to be at the Hi-Hat in Chicago, Illinois On the 26th of April How do you like me? Now Very funny man Matt Fulshon, everybody

Thank you guys Graham Elwood Listen to the Comedy Film Nerds podcast. Many of you do. Those who don't, check us out. We're on iTunes. And, of course, Earbuds, the podcasting documentary, will be premiering at this year's Los Angeles Podcast Festival,

September 18th through the 20th. Hey, did I make it in the cut? No. Fuck. Ivan, what do you got going on, man? You can find me on Twitter, at Ivan underscore Hernandez, and you can go to the show I run the first Sunday of every month at Lost Weekend Video.

It's called Gimme Fiction, gimmefiction.net. All right. Burt Kreischer, what do you got going on? Stand-up live in Phoenix, House of Comedy in Minnesota, Levity Live in West Nyack, New York, and then DC Improv, that show's already sold out. And I did a podcast, please go check it out, with Kurt Braunholder. So it's on BertCast.com, rate, review, subscribe,

and give me other comics that I don't know that you want me to interview to talk to awesome I'm going to be in Fort Wayne Indiana on Thursday May 7th DouglasMovies.com for all my dates, deets and links one more time thank you to everybody that came out today

to Cobbs Comedy Club San Francisco, Matt Fulcheron Graham Elwood everybody that came out today, to Cobbs, Comedy Club, San Francisco, Matt Fulcheron, Graham Elwood, Ivan Hernandez, who? And Bert,

put your shirt back on. Chrysler. Only clap if you know me. You have so much donut on your shoulder. I love it. I love how donut-covered you are. You look like you just came from a strip club

where they have donuts. These name tags are so unwieldy. It's hilarious. I don't even know what order to say these in. I don't know which one's going to get the biggest reaction. The guy who wrote mine did a pretty good job considering. Considering what? Are you about to sneeze or are you having a stroke?

Not sure Could go either way No, my nose just got really itchy all of a sudden I don't think I'm going to sneeze But I definitely want to go to town on it You want me to do it for you? No No, let me go to town on your nose

No, Bert, you can pick your friends Trying to close out the show, Bert, you can pick your friends. I'm trying to close out the show, Bert. Cut off his mic, seriously. Don't do it, guys. Don't do it. Don't do it, guys. I'm going to tip you out later. David Miscavige is a shithead.

Did I pronounce that right? Miscavige? a shithead. Did I pronounce that right? Miscavige? Such a weird name. Oh shit, guys, Dave Chappelle just walked in. Wow, they really ran with it. You got assholes. You winked at them like a motherfucker and five people decided to jump in. I'm cutting my own mic.

Yeah, what was the gag going to be? Let's say they all played along and cheered like Dave Chappelle walked in. Then what happens? I'm Rick James, bitch. And then we just do like a theater of the mind. I just love how the crowd's reaction was, no butt. You saw me winking, right? I was going pretty heavy.

Yeah, I think they just kind of saw into the future and didn't think it was a bit worth bothering with. I think as a whole, I think as a group, they just heard me saying, I'm trying to wrap this shit up. Joking around about cutting your mic. Then you come up with that nonsense. If I had another donut right now, I would dislocate your shoulder with it.

My body language is defeated to the listeners. My body language is defeated to the listeners. Listeners, hear my body language. Anyone who declines getting Doug because of their career is a shithead. I think that they're pointing at you with that one, Bert. It's very pointed at me. Yeah.

This next one, I'm not sure who it's pointed at. Graham Elwood is a shithead. You call me whatever you want, you Team Sam fuckbags. I'll just keep winning. Suck it. Play the song. Hey, once again, today's episode was brought to you in part by DraftKings, the official daily fantasy partner of Major League Baseball.

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