Doug Loves Movies - Graham Elwood Vs. Portland, OR

Episode Date: March 29, 2013

This mini features the Leonard Maltin Game from two shows at Helium Comedy Club in Portland, OR.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug Loves Movies bank california due to poor promotion on my part so we have postponed the show until may 9th and it will be changed to a douglas movies taping quite possibly the super tournament of championships but you didn't hear it from me last night i did two shows at helium comedy club in portland oregon and graham elwood played some le Leonard Maltin against audience members, and I will play the audio from both shows at the end of this shortay. If you're in the New York area, next Wednesday, April 3rd,

G-Mer, Greatest Movie Ever Rolled, is going to be playing one time only. I think it's at 9.15 p.m. at the Friars Club Comedy Film Festival, and Graham Elwood and I will be there after the movie. You throw us some Q's and we'll toss back some A's. For tickets, try Googling it. I mean, binging it.

Sorry, Jonah Ray. San Diego, California. I'll be at the American Comedy Company at 420 on Sunday, April 7th. Los Angeles, I'm doing a stand-up show with a special guest or two at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater on April 11th. I think it's only five bucks to get into that one. And Phoenix, Arizona, two stand-up shows with Graham Elwood on Saturday, April 13th. Stand-up live is where that's going to happen. A couple days ago on Twitter, I asked which is better, The Princess Bride or Tootsie, and The Princess Bride won in a landslide. Don't ask me why I picked those two

movies. Well, someone was asking me which one should I watch, and so I took it to Twitter, because I feel like I knew that men in particular, I should say that I just asked men which one they prefer, Princess Bride or Tootsie, and men prefer Princess Bride by quite a large margin. But at D-K-I-N-K D-K-I-N-K He summed it up best on Twitter by saying

The Princess Bride is more entertaining, but Bill Murray was not in it. So, I guess that means watch Tootsie, or Satai. This has been Tweet Relief or Watch This Not That.

I'm not sure which. Now, please try to enjoy the Leonard Maltin game with Graham Elwood at the 7.30 and 10 o'clock shows last night at Helium Comedy Club. Back to back. And as always, Doug Benson's stand-up shows where we don't get around to actually playing the Leonard Maltin game is a shithead.

So we are here at the 7.30 show at Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon. Yes, we are! We got some prizes to give away, Graham. Awesome.

Yeah, do we have name tags in the audience at all? Do people bring name tags? I know it's not a Doug Loves Movies taping like we're doing tomorrow afternoon, but still might have some folks that want to come up here and compete against Graham. One round of the Leonard Walton game. Prizes are a copy of my album, Spud Life. Copy of Graham's.

Palm Strike Dance Party. Yeah! Palm Strike Dance Party. This is our copy of my album, Smug Life. Copy of Graham's... Palm Strike Dance Party! Yeah! Palm Strike Dance Party! I imagine a lady in the background, I don't see a name tag. She's just going, I'm waiting. Where are the name tags? I think there's this rogue shit down on my napkin. So you guys would all laugh.

Can somebody write down, uh... What's that in front of you? ...backup white space parade? Because that was a joke I said earlier tonight that I liked, but I'd like to remember it. I told them if they didn't bring game tape, they'd have to scramble their man jobs. That's why you have a lot of those. What are those things? That's a card! They're probably a real intent movie.

Why don't you wander over there and take a gander at it? Back here! Back here! And I've also got a Look at Those Movies t-shirt that's up for grabs, you guys. And anything I might find on the stage right now that might be a good prize. I think that might be a good prize. I think these things are meant for me.

Some things got off the stage. That's not what I'm supposed to have. I don't want to be liable if I put them in the prize pile. Because there might be a kid here. How many guys are you getting in this place? Like 40, right? 40? Alright, what's your... What's your...

Yeah, what are you... It's a movie premise. It's OMG Star Wars. Starring Scarlett Johansson as an E-Dog. And myself as Princess Leia and I'm Sarah Horton. By the way, did you have a camera locker? Did you bring that up here to show everybody? Let's show and send it out. I had a... You're not on the microphone. So keep it moving.

She's still talking. So... Yeah, that's me. That's good. Sherry might follow the video. Just go over there. Keep talking about it. It's a movie. That been praised for its lipstick.

You might want to watch out for this honey, because I didn't glue this all on me. The bees! The bees! Hey, don't go to the Bear Festival tomorrow, Graham, without washing your hands first. It's very covered in honey. The honey's actually locally grown, you guys. We'll have a smaller carbon footprint and if I get some sort of corporate adhesive

to... It's really cool. Okay, on the microphone. Let's get her on the microphone. Do you need anything? No, that's... I didn't say, show up. I just wanted you to talk into... Like, show your microphone, Graham. There you go. The movie premise is

OMG Spongebob Episode 18 with Scarlett Johansson as an Ewok and Sarah Coop and Mira as Princess Leia, because I'm shit crazy like Terry Fisher. As far as there's no joke, you guys. But you know what? Asperger's is one of my favorite food trucks in town.

It's girls serving up burgers in really short shorts. You're an angel, sweetie. You ready to play some volleyball? I got that one on tape okay she's ready she's ready we're just going to eat up your little honey napkin yeah it has a raspberry flavored yeah microphone he's just not giving her the microphone because none of us need to hear what she's saying

it's just a constant flow. Yeah, you mentioned being crazy, which is certainly a warning sign. I'll take you seriously. I'll take you to your world. You are crazy. Okay, crazy. You get to pick.

My husband can invest. Okay. You know my favorite kind of crazy? To be quiet and just rocking back and forth. Short answer crazy? You know, like all the guys in line know at Asperger's. They're all just like... And I'm just like...

Wow, indeed. She's like, there was a cover charge? I had to order a ticket on the internet? So you thought, I don't have glue, should I use tape? No, honey. Honey was, like, free. I just pretended I wanted to eat it with my pizza and the waiter didn't question it. He looked really disturbed. You know, Raelle, I think it would have been so easy to find someone...

It was weird, right? I needed honey. It was weird. Like, say I'm stoned, I want my... She's still talking. It's still... This is still happening. I'm still... I told you, Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher, she keeps saying. Like, that's an excuse for anything.

Come on, man. Carrie Fisher, come on. Sorry I stuck this morpher in my butthole. I didn't do it. I told you. Don't you know anything about human laws? Carrie Fisher. I cite the Carrie Fisher Statute of 1807. Why are you looking at me like that?

I think most of the world knows Carrie Fisher. Bees. Bees. Bees, okay. Absolutely. Strippers. Really makes sense. I was trying to say that I bet, Graham, you could have found someone in this audience that wouldn't just seem to the outside world like another Fred Armisen character. Or a mania. Or a mania.

You're being so corlandian right now. That's what makes Portland so great. It's like you just walk into a sketch from that show and go, Okay, some might think that show exaggerates, but it does not. Who's our cabbie today? Was it your typical cabbie, like a guy from another country? No, big crazy fucking loop fucking tribal earring piercing goddamn nose-feeder fucking tattoo guy. Crazy friendly, knew where he was going, had interesting information about the city. Great guy. Took out three bicyclists. Took out three bicyclists.

And he put his ID, you know, they put their ID there. He stuck it to the back name with honey. Oh. There you go. Okay, so we're out of time. But it was lovely. It was lovely attempting to play a letter-mob game with you. And because you were so successful in running down the clock with your honey ramblings, we're going to let you go back to Pooh Corner with all the prizes.

There you go. Wait, wait, wait. She wants to make an acceptance speech. Go ahead. Go ahead. Listen to your podcast every time. Like, every single time. Please?

No, no. We're out of time. Yeah, we're out of time. But it was a good strategy. You're the Mitch McConnell of Douglas movies. You're not going to play, and it's my fault. Now she's having a serious breakdown. Donald would've done those movies. You're not gonna play and it's my fault. Now she's having a serious breakdown. We should probably...

A mental breakdown! We played and you won. We played and you won. Do you remember you? Yeah, yeah. Your husband, you vouch for this. The show has changed. It's evolved over the years. The game's changed. Now the game is just come up and just be as pathetic as possible.

And it's a sympathy game, where like, if we really feel like you deserve the prizes, then you win them. Your husband won all the school's prizes. He needs to come up here. She's still fighting it. Yeah. We've got another show to do. We've got another show. We've got to do another show. It's time that we got another show.

Yeah, we gotta do another show, but also this episode in Corlandia has to go to commercial because... some IFC has to pay the bills somehow. And thank you very much, let's hear it for... ...the Star Covered! You never even got her name. You never even got her name. You never even got her name! All we talked about was your name, Ben. And then you just modernized it.

One more time for Grandma and everybody. I hope you're not too disappointed that we didn't play, because I thought that was pretty fun. And funny. And hopefully not too mean. She's a good sport, and she wanted her husband to play. And, you know, maybe a man can dream. You're gonna be here tomorrow. You're gonna be here tomorrow? Okay. Is she coming with you tomorrow? No. No? Okay, perfect.

We've made a pact in front of everyone. And it must be so. Okay, she's still talking. You know, two of my favorite cities to do stand-up in are here, and, uh, yeah, you know it. And, and Denver, Colorado. And, but the thing, the weirdest thing about both those places is, like, two of my favorite clubs, and crowds are great, fun shows, no heckling except for, like, helpful suggestions. shows, no heckling except for like helpful suggestions. But always someone gets way too drunk. And my theory, my theory is that Portland and Denver are so

cool, especially weed-wise, that a person that is normally a pot smoker smokes a ton of weed, gets prepared for my show, I appreciate it, and it's the other same way, but then, the person who's more of a pot person and not a drinking person goes along with the two-drink minimum and finds a club,

has a couple more, because they don't normally drink, and they've already gone too far, and there's no turning back. And I think that's what happens. But in Denver it does happen more because of the Al-Tafir. They have that

mile-high city stuff. They're not fucking kidding around. Like, that's why they embrace marijuana quicker than a lot of places, I think. It's just because they're all like, we all feel fucked all the time. We're fucked up all day, every day anyway. One drink and we're like, woohoo!

It's crazy. But anyway, thank you so much, Portland! Let it out! Let it out! Don't blow smoothies tomorrow at 420! Two more stand-ins, two more shows. Thank you for helping me write these jokes tonight.

Alright, it's the Late Show at Helium on Friday, March whatever this is. Twenty-NINTH! Twenty-NINTH! on Friday, March, whatever this is. 29! 20 hours! Graham and a lady in the audience are arguing about titties. What's happening? Titties! Yeah, okay. This is a drunk show.

You're not, this is the late show, but you're not drunk. Fuck you. Me and, me and the audience are drunk, but you're not drunk. Not drunk? You're the sober one. I'm not drunk. You're not. Not drunk.

You're the sober one. I'm not drunk. So yeah, so get us through this, Graham. Pick a name tag. In the last show, he picked a girl that was so drunk that we didn't even play the game. Because she had a name tag made out of honey that she got here at the club. What the fuck? Yeah, what the fuck is right?

Watch your language young lady She's like I didn't have clues and I just use honey. Of course. Why would you want to spend money on tape? All right, let's go with This man right here! Woooo! Alright, my man right here. Let's go. Human Centipede. Human Centipede. Really? Human Centipede?

Go stand next to Graham. Don't come near me with that human centipede thing. It's not human centipede. Jacob and Silent Bob. Oh snap. There you go. Jacob and Silent Bob. Is your name Silent Bob? That, snap. There you go. Jacob, it's Tyler Bob. Is your name Tyler Bob? That's right.

Good one. Switch your room, Douglas. Alright, we're going to play one round of the Leonard Moulton game with our new friend Jacob. If he wins, he's going to get the prize bag and five people here are excited about it. Let's go to the tote board.

I think it just went up to 13. 13 people are excited. This guy's weird clap gets us to 14. I don't even want regular clap. The last thing you need is to contract weird clap. You look like that monkey with the symbols. Okay.

Someone just said, sick of corn dog. He was talking to you, Jacob! Bend over, motherfucker! Oh my God! I was going to do a callback to the corn dog in the butt during my, you know, in the butt routine. Corn dog in the butt. Yeah.

Corn dog in the butt. Yeah. Hi, corn dog. Yeah, I'm going to do that next time. I'm going to remember it now. All right, you get to pick a category, Jacob. This is just between Jacob and Graham, you guys. Oh, yeah, we got this.

I'll let drunk fence. I'll let drunk fence. I can't even say it. I'm gonna accuse people of being a drunk when I'm drunk. No, what do you mean, no way? No way. Way. I seem sober to you right now?

There's only a way you're drunk. No way. No way. I seem sober to you right now? Just get away, you drunk! Get away! All right, here's your first category option, Jacob. Take control of your city! Take control! Take control! Take control! This is like if F. Bane were this far away. Do you feel in control? Do you feel it?

They just sort of say the same thing the other guy said. I'm Portland's record. Watch out, Portland. I just made him gay for some reason. Watch out, Portland. I have your record. Portland, do not go there. I will be wrecking you.

All right, so that's movies that have a mayoral race in them. Take control of your city. And then there's Icy Dead People. Icy Dead People. And that's people that froze to death. And finally, Put Me In, Coach. I said that wrong. Put Me In, Coach. I said that wrong. Put Me In, Coach.

And that's movies that have air travel in them. Put this on Vine. Oh, Graham's Vining it, everybody. Vine, Vine, Vine, Vine, Vine, Vine, Vine, Vine. Vine. We're going to Vine that shit. Nice Vining. Fucking looks awesome. Oh, my God. Fine. We're going to buy that shit. Nice finding. Fucking looks awesome.

Yeah, let's look at it later. We only have six seconds to spare right now. Which category would you like, Jacob? Dead people. Dead people? I see dead people. Okay, this is people who froze to death in a motion picture. And I will give you some clues. And then you know how it's done, right, Jacob?

Oh, yeah. Okay, let's share your microphone with Graham so listeners can hear you. I'm recording this in case this is a state where you can't record someone without permission. Do we have permission to record you? Yes. Okay. We're in Portland. We're in Portland.

Come on. Good point, lady. There's no moss here, really? No. The only moss is the only moss in Portland, come on. Good point, lady. There's no laws here, really? The only laws, the only laws apply to bicycles. Four of them or against them? Four! Try to cut off a bunch of bikes in this town in your car, see what the fuck happens. They're not supposed to fuck out on you, man. Do they pull up to the next light and, you know, stick their buns on your windshield?

Yeah, it's like when Maine lets everybody out of black gay prison. It's just fucking crazy. Everybody's nuts. Take control of your body, gay, it's all good. It's all him. Yeah, I don't know what to add to that. Okay, so somebody freezes to death in this movie, Jacob. 2004 is the year.

Three stars from Leonard. He says about this movie that it is, he says the characters are likable, the dialogue isn't dumb, and it's just pretty good and old-fashioned. And 2004, and yeah, the clues don't help much. And you have ten names, it looks like. Boo. Yeah, ten names. Got a boo over here for he doesn't like the number ten. Numerals make your man great. How many do you get in out of ten names? Ten. Ten, good.

Smart opening. Smart opening, good. Jacob Swing and Bar. I will go with eight names. Okay. You picked two off the end game. Six. Six.

People's rights are saying six. Six. Seven. They've said it three times, so Satan is here. Seven. Seven. I will go six. You took your six, shoved it right up your corndog.

Name that movie. Name that movie. All right, let's fucking do this. Here you go, Graham. Here's your six names. It's just Graham, everybody. He has to name this movie. Somebody Dies, right?

Somebody Freezes to Death. Somebody Freezes to Death. Yeah, that's pretty good, old-fashioned. Some other thing. Three stars. Some other thing. Yeah. Characters good, old-fashioned. Some other thing. Three stars. Some other thing. Yeah.

Characters are likable. Okay. Dialogue isn't dumb. Sure. Yeah. So it's not your movie, Laugh-Gam-Stan. Thank you, Doug. Just trying to get a plug in. I appreciate it.

That's a nice one. Perry King. How many names you got? Six? Six. Satan. Austin Nichols. get? Six? Six. Satan. Austin Nichols. J.O. Sanders.

Kenneth Walsh. Guy in the audience keeps saying no clue. Yeah, I'd rather play Monopoly myself. No clue. Dash Minock. There's an actor named Dash Minock. What? There's an actor named Dash Minock. He dated, what's her name for a while?

Oh, right. I knew her that. You had that thing? Alanis Morissette. Yeah, he dated her for a while. Oh, I was going to know that. Fucking clap. Let's see what you did.

Wow, that's a weird form of comedy. Fucking clap! I said something, now fucking clap! A weird form of comedy. It's fight clapping. Selah Ward is your last name out of six. Selah Ward, yeah. Starved once and again.

So, what do you think, buddy? I think we have a winner. Just in the nick of time, too, because the show has to wrap up. All right, the movie was 2004. I don't know who this was. The movie was The Ice Storm. Oh! I believe someone does freeze to death in The Ice Storm. But I believe that this particular movie also stars Emmy Rossum, Ian Holm, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Dennis Quaid.

And it's called The Day After Tomorrow! Jake Gyllenhaal! I'm glad to see you, man. Thanks, buddy. There you go, Jacob. Jacob is our winner! There you go Jacob! Nicely done! One more time for Bravo! I will prepare you guys with this crazy dance. He's going to be out at the table. We'll see you out there.

And we're doing Douglas movies tomorrow at 420. Two more stand-up shows tomorrow night. I love you, Portland. Thank you, video. Bye! Another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you. Cause Doug loves movies.