Doug Loves Movies - Graham Elwood Vs. The Inland Empire

Episode Date: July 28, 2013

Graham Elwood plays the Leonard Maltin Game against audience members at The Improv in Ontario, California.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug Loves Movies with very special guest Michael Moore on Wednesday night. Last Wednesday, I did a stand-up show at the Improv in Ontario, California, where a great time was had by all, including the parole officer in the front row who was celebrating his birthday and had no idea he was going to see a stoned comedian. His family dragged him there. I'm not even sure he knew he was going to see a comedian. Graham Elwood played the Leonard Maltin game against audience members at the end of the show, and I'll play the audio from that in a memento. Speaking of memento, Tom Lennon will be back on Douglas Movies at UCB on August 6th as the returning Leonard Maltin winner.

And along with him will be a first-time guest who has an Academy Award on his mantle or next to his toilet. I don't know where he keeps it. Schedule permitting, of course. In the meantime, I'm doing stand-up Saturday, August 3rd at the Pittsburgh Improv and taping a Doug Loves Movies the next day. Both shows are at 420 and I've also got shows coming up in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and St. Louis, Missouri.

All dates, deets, and links are at douglovesmovies.com. And now, let's go to Ontario, California for some post-stand-up show Leonard Maltin action. Enjoy. Hey, Ontario! Are you ready for some later ball game?

I got some good prizes in the bag tonight. I've got a comic called The Bulletproof Coffin by Hein and Kane. And I've also got a copy of my CD, Gateway Doug. You probably throw people back in jail just for looking at something like this. You can't look at this while you're on parole.

I'm a parole officer. And another CD of mine called Gateway, Gateway Doug was that one. This one's called Smug Life, and this one, it looks like a rap album so you can find it in the rap section at Walmart. And somebody gave me this on the road, Graham, are you going to contribute something, Graham? No, my CD, Paul Starr Dance Party, I'll give you that. Alright, give a copy of that.

Thank you. No, see the Polestar Dance Party. I'll give you that. All right, give a copy of that. And, um... Thank you. Graham, somebody made up a bunch of cards and gave them to me in Atlanta that explain the Leonard Maltin game

in one tiny card. He thinks this encapsulates all of the rules. So I would like you to take it now and in your best game show host voice read the rules of the game because there's people here that don't know how it works. Doug, the Leonard Long game is way in the style of Inventor 2, where players can notice in some titles what factors in two fails.

After picking a category, players will read clues from Leonard Long's interview, improving the order of names listed by Leonard. Oh, this is long. Players, this is fucking... Bail Bonds is like, I'm out of here. That's my point. It's very complicated. There's a lot of words in that tiny card. Yeah, this is why small players must bid

how many names they need to name that movie. Names are written from the bottom of the lowest billed name first. After each bid, the next player may pick less names or challenge the bidder to name that movie. If the challenge player correctly names the movie, they receive a point. This is a guy, when you play a board game, and everyone just goes, let's just fucking play our fake one and figure it out. He's like, no, I mean, I mean, do you know what I mean? And everyone goes, just fucking roll the dice,

and then we'll do a real one after 15 minutes of that. That's who this guy is. Yeah, I mean, we only got this board game around to do blow off, and it's why we are out of time and this is the pitch. We're playing Strip Risk, so let's just get to the greatest of countries so I can see the titties. I, if a challenge just get to the greatest of countries so I can see that too. I,

if a challenge player correctly names the movie, they receive a point. If not, then the challenger receives a point. Oh, is it done? No! Players can name their names. If they have two names, you can provide the name of that film along with the top two actors

they order listed by letter. Jesus. That's as many rules as I read in 300 episodes of game shows that I've hosted. Please, gentlemen, build a box for this half-back in the arena. Well, the rules for your show, Strip Poker, weren't that complicated. It was really easy. It's the question, take off a piece of clothes. No one's going to ever get that right, actually. No, there's no... I did a hundred and some episodes, and it had less rules than that entire card.

Oh, I also included a $10 gift card for iTunes. You can buy special premium episodes of Comedy Film Nerds and Douglas movies. Or buy whatever you want with it. Get the new Daft Punk album if you like sad robots. If you want sad robots, how does that sound? Oh, Jesus. Hey, let's see some name tags

so that Graham can pick somebody to play against. Come on! Name tags. Oh, this is George Carlin album cover. That's pretty cool. I think she's glued three and all about C. Nice. Training Dave.

Like training Dave. Oh, did you Photoshop your name over your head over the other guys? That's fine. Nice. Sweet. Over Ethan Hawks? Yeah, you gotta leave Denzel alone. Oh my god, a couple with matching test buds.

That might be kind of fun for you to play against a couple. Hold on, because you're on us. Nice thing, Caxo. George Carter, very close. That was good. Gluten-free. Nice. You guys should give me gluten-free cookies. Alright, alright, game show. Let's interview them. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, stand right here. Stand up there with him. Stand with the way your shirts are designed.

Well, don't just sit in the stoner. Make sure the graphic is upside down on it. Greg and Ali's unspoken. Nice work, stoners. Was that intentional? Like, how we're stoners? Or did you fuck that up? I didn't fuck it up. Alright! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Greg and Allie to the stage.

They actually came here by mistake. Trying to get their biggest, they got lost. Alright, so where are you guys from? I can't remember saying. San Diego. Wow. That's the weirdest carpool. I'm in Riverside.

I'll swing by and pick you up in San Diego. Room traffic will not be a problem. No, it's so easy. Let's leave ten days before we need to be in Dallas. It'll take longer to drive than we'll make those shirts. We need to show you young men like James Shulman's voice. Not really confident unless you ask me to do BAME. Please.

Oh, no. Oh, it's got the request right here! Somebody wants some BAME. I'm Ontario's recu- Ontario's recu- Where did the birthday guy go? Shit! That son of a bitch.

He looked like, where's my comedy go-to? Parole master? He's like, I can't take the heat. You can't take Melissa McCarthy or Sandra Bullock. All right, kids.

What are your names again? Greg and Allie? Okay, Greg and Allie. Would I write those rules? Did that help at all? Or are you just like, what? No, of course not. You already know how to play.

You know what to do. Pick a category, you guys. What'd you like? Sausage Fest. And that's movies where Leonard Maltin does not list any women. Doesn't mention any women in the cast. Or,

would you like O-M-G-Y-N? And that's movies that have a graphic birth scene. Like you see the baby coming out of the old coop. Coming up, see the baby coming out of the her baby cave.

I was bored in shadows really sweet baby cave. I was born in shadows in a baby cave. Let's not start the miserable thing in your baby cave. Or would you like State Your Name and Occupation,

and that's a movie that the title is somebody's name and their occupation. Which one of those would you like to play? Baby Caves. Baby Caves? Can you read it? They gave it a new name. It's called Baby Caves now. Baby Caves! Written, held, signed, and sealed? I got a fucking $10,000 bond on that thing. All right, first of all,

you guys win no matter what because we're out of time. That's how I like to run a game show. Give you the prizes no matter what. But in the category of O-M-G-Y-N a.k.a. Baby Cave, don't yell out in the audience

if you think you know the answer. This is just up to Allie and Greg and Graham. Three stars from Leonard for this movie from 2007. He says the movie is about a fast-rising entertainment reporter, and he says that the movie is also available in an unrated version, and several celebrities appear as themselves, and the movie gets a list of 11, 12 names. How many names do you guys think you need to name this movie, Greg and Allie? Good idea having your keys on your belt if you smoke a lot of weed.

Flipflops and a keybelt. Just now the new challenge is you always got to remember to wear your pants. Flip flops and T-bill. This is going to be great. Just now the new challenge is you always got to remember to wear your pants. And you got that daily commute between Riverside and San Diego. Riverside, San Diego, Ontario. It's fucking commuter trying. So you guys get a lot of action at 605? Is that your favorite? No. How many names your freedom? No.

How many names, guys? Zero. Zero, she says. Wow! Yeah.

So that pushes Graham into the dreaded negative names category. Wait,

what does that rule card again? What does that say? Yeah, you can go negative one

if you think you can name the top billed person. Negative two, top two, maybe. Just telling everybody. I was born when I was a kid. Ah, shit. What are you going to do?

If you think you know what the movie is, you probably know who the top-billed people are. If you don't think you know what the movie is, then you just kind of hope they're going to get it wrong. There are a couple movies in my head. Oh, Christ. So that's a hard place to get into negative names from when you don't have it narrowed down to a specific movie. There's a hard knockoff for us.

Bane the Musical? Bane the musical. Bane me? And all that jazz. So it's more of a review, like it's going to be six songs from all the shows. Yeah. Oh, come on. You know, this is a stall tactic that's not gonna work. What you're doing right now. What's it called? Knocked Up is correct! I was thinking for a second, it was that Edward Burns, Angelina Jolie movie where he's about to... Oh yeah, Welcome to Sarajevo. Welcome to Sarajevo. Yeah. Welcome to Sarajevo!

I didn't listen to hell! I didn't think it was in Sarajevo. What was it called? It was called Welcome to Sarajevo. This is called Baby Cave in Seattle? Yeah, it was called... It was called Sleepless in the Baby Cave? It was called I Put My Space Needle in Your Baby Cave.

I don't know what it's called. Hey, let me at your infant hole That's another thing he says to women No wonder he's single Congratulations, you guys won Come by the table and I'll give you a CD Yeah, I'll give you a CD at the table Graham Elwood, ladies and gentlemen

And as always parole officers are a shit bag now it's time for Doug to watch another talky Eyes of Gold

is viewing prowess makes him cocky there's no room in his heart for you cause Doug

loves movies