Doug Loves Movies - Jeff Garlin, Pete Holmes, and T.J. Miller Guest

Episode Date: January 29, 2013

Doug welcomes comedians Jeff Garlin, Pete Holmes, and T.J. Miller to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, skinny babies, sticky seats with 50 azotop or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, cause Doug loves movies. Hey everybody. My name is Doug, and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies, coming to you from the UCB Theater before PYHT, formerly CBB, formerly CDR.

Formally not a thing. It's Tuesday, January 29th, 2, Ocean's 13. Day 29 of Sober January Yay It's almost over Look out, alcohol Because from February 1 to December 31 I'm gonna drink

No, I'm looking forward to this weekend It'll be fun to have a drink again But, you know I'm doing it, you guys. Since last I've spoken, you know what? I'm going to skip this part this week. Let's get right down to business. Please welcome... My favorite out-of-control, pain-in-the-ass panelists

for another round of most obnoxious guests. It's Pete Holmes, TJ Miller, and Jeff Garlin. Thank you. I always like sitting right by Doug. We were talking about where we were going to sit. We weren't talking about it.

We weren't talking about it. Yeah, we were in the back having a conversation. We were having a conversation. About where we enjoy sitting. Lengthily. Would you agree that's a hard word to say? Lengthily? Will I agree to that?

Yeah, say it. Lengthily. I answered the phone backstage Backstage is Jeff. It was Michael Moore. And I answered the phone, and it was my first try, and I thought it was pretty good. I go, hello? Yeah, how did it sound?

Hello? Come on, that's not bad. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? It was really bad. Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hi. Hello? Hello? Hi. Grandma? Hello? Hello? It was really bad. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hi? Hello? Hi? Grandma? Grandma? It's me, Jeff Garley. Wally. It's me from Wally.

Grandma. It's me. No, my voice. I'm not a cartoon. That was like a terrible kids who don't know how to play Marco Polo. Just giving it a try. There were some people at home that didn't know who was calling and who was responding. Hey, Doug. That's Jeff Garlin, everybody.

Have you drank any of your water yet? I'm just about to get into my water. Can you hand it to me? What's that? I want it. You want my water? Yeah. That's good. You want my water? Yeah. That's good.

You're the host. But which one of us is more likely to get cotton mouth during the proceedings? Thank you so much for giving that back. And when you slide

that down like that, I felt like I was on the set of Cheers. No, that wasn't him. What's that? That wasn't him. All this time I thought... George Wendit.

You're trying to tell me that Jeff Garlin is not Frasier? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Sideshow Bob. I'm just free associating. Do you think the listeners are amazed at how quiet TJ's being? Do you think they're like, wow, he's really... Do you see what he's wearing? He's wearing a t-shirt that says, I'm intimidated.

Oh, here he comes. Yeah! Jack, yeah! TJ, where were you? What happened? I was in Denver. Yeah! Yogi Bear, Wally! That's my TJ impression. It's better than me.

My you is no good. It's alright. Thank you. We've built a bridge of friendship and carried our goats across. Lay them in the grass with me, Jeff. One's named Petey and one named Sweetie. You own Petey.

I don't know what I would do in the audience But I'd have a fun time with that one We're taking goats across our bridge of friendship See, I can't do everything If you take a moment to picture it You get laughter rewards No, it's just really funny I picture them carrying them

Doug, what are you doing? TJ texted me Not tweeted It's all caps He texted me. At 642 was the first one. He wrote, traffic is nuts. Some accident.

And then he also wrote, I may be there at 715. So it's about 706 right now. And then he also texted. God damn it. Do you know reading text is one of the ways to get your podcast up the ratings? Yeah. That's why I'm doing it, Jeff. People love it.

People can't get enough. I can't get enough of that. Of text reading. What color is his? This is where it takes a turn, oddly enough. Wait, wait, wait. To make it a little bit more dramatic, maybe I'll do the noise. So, whoop.

Pop-up video were you involved in the pop-up video he wrote nothing to do with it he wrote were you in I love pop-up video this is Douglas movies and reading texts he wrote I know you hate me on this moment

but remember how many good times we've had please don't fire me and I wrote back just walk up on stage when you get here I know you hate me on this moment, but remember how many good times we've had. Please don't fire me. And I wrote back, just walk up on stage when you get here. Sorry, he was done, so. Oh, please don't fire me.

And I wrote, just walk up on stage when you get here. Then he wrote back. No, I turned that off. Turn that off. This is just the sound of Doug's hand mushing it. Then he wrote back, I'm so sorry.

I wrote, if you leave right now, you're going to lose. I always lose. The devil wears Prada. Are you happy? I wrote, don't worry about it. And then he sent me a picture of the traffic. He took a picture of the car.

There's one car in front of him. He's like driving through town. There's a car there. Traffic lights. He should have to have today's newspaper. You can see the St. Louis Arch in the background. He just Google-imbed traffic. Just like if you're discreet, you do that with dick pics.

Make sure it's your ethnicity, though. While there's just two of you out here, I have one thing I want to say. Yeah. Come see all four of us at the Traverse City, Michigan... Traverse City Comedy Festival. Comedy Festival.

They call it like Winter Comedy Festival, I think. It's a new name this year, but it's a Traverse City Comedy Festival. Yeah, something like that. Hashtag Winter Comedy. Winter Fest. Winter Solstice. Winter Comedy Fest. It's a Maypole celebration. And that's why Michael Moore was calling Jeff is because they're Winter Solstice. Winter Comedy Fest. It's a Maypole celebration. Me, Jeff Garlin, and TJ.

And that's why Michael Moore was calling Jeff is because they put the festival together. Yes, it's our festival. They put it on together. Yes. You're probably talking business about it. We were. You were probably on the phone going,

I'm having second thoughts about Pete Holmes. No. No. When I answered the phone... I was actually enthusiastic about Pete Holmes. Okay, good. Remember the bridge? I told you. I answered the enthusiastic about pecan nuts. Okay, good. Remember the bridge? I told you. I answered the phone and he went,

when they shut down the plant and my dad was the only one left. You can't beat me! You can't beat a me! When they shut down the factory. You can't beat a me. When they shut down the factory. I'm feeling electricity from this touch.

My dad looked at me and told me Lake Michigan was going to be a different place ever since George Bush in his children's book went bowling. You have to do that for him. Will he like this? He'll love it. He'll go nuts.

When I bought these glasses at LensCrafters, they said they'd be ready in 30 minutes or less. But that was a lie. This is awesome. If I'm there when you do that in front of him, I'm going to turn and run. Who would want that to happen? He'll love it.

My dad. When my dad was laid off. He told me that he'd have plenty of money. As a matter of fact, when you do that on stage, I'm going to make sure he's there. Oh, really? Standing on stage with you.

What if he just takes out a tastefully legal handgun and shoots me? What is a tastefully legal handgun? Jeff, I'm so glad you asked. I just pictured a shiny one. That is tasteful. Yeah. Because it's been polished. You know, do you have a gun in your home? Many.

As a matter of fact, my house is furnished with guns. My couch is made of guns. I shower in a shower stall made of old shotguns. You adjust the blasts. One is shotgun spray, one is sawed off, one is double-barreled. Double-barreled will wake you up in the morning. It does.

And actually, it knocked my 12-year-old over. My 12-year-old got knocked over by the shotgun blast of the shower. It's the slip and slide of the bathroom. Let me say something. If I was really crazy rich, because I'm really rich, but if I was crazy like holy shit rich...

What do you get an episode? Depends on what show so but anyhow I would have I would have a slip and slide in my bathroom yeah why not oh when I went to college and the peewee Herman swimming pool bathtub swimming pool bathtub I know oh no that's Franklin his enemy his enemy yeah daddy he wasn't fat. He was TV fat. Go on. All right.

But when I went to University of Miami, studying film. Doug loves movies. You love it. Doug loves movies. Thanks for getting us back on track, Jeff. There was a kid who had an alcohol problem, and every weekend he would put soapy water up and down the hallway and slide

back and forth naked that is the best and that was the dean i want to know this man what do you mean he had a problem it sounds like it's everybody else's problem no there were other hallways it was only you could get to where you needed to go through the other parts of the hallway but there's one hallway all and would just go back and forth naked. Over 50? Miles per hour. What are you... If he dropped below that, would he explode?

Was he over 50 when he went to college? Yeah. That was his way of sort of ingratiating with the young kids. The 50-year-old guy. I can only imagine myself at 50 right now living in a dorm, running naked up and down the hallway,

sliding to have the kids go, hey, he's cool, man. Isn't that the guy from WALL-E? No, it's not. It's not a cartoon, it's his voice. What school am I going to where the students talk like they're on The Sopranos?

Yeah, yeah. Rutgers. Rutgers. I guess Rutgers would be the school. It's important to analyze comedy the second it happens. My dad would always analyze a joke.

Knock, knock. Who's there? The recession. All right, well, TJ is losing this thing by not being here because he's my favorite right now. The recession who? The three of you. My dad.

This is like if Batman wandered in on two villains. And it was just like, okay, you guys just going to laugh at each other's shit all day? Is that... So, help me, Riddler. You must be Harvey. You and the penguin. You just brought up another impression. Go on.

I was doing my Adam West. Oh, really? Oh, I noticed things, Pete. I don't stop talking to notice. I noticed. Doug knows the impression well. It's good. Let me do Adam West talking to Michael Moore.

What's this going to take? About ten? You got a hard ten. So it appears to me Michael that your father was very involved with your childhood. me, Michael, that your father was very involved with this, your

childhood. Can you please donate some of the money you make as a voice on Family Guy to Flint, Michigan. And more specifically, my dad. again. And more specifically, my diaps.

Let me ask you, Pete, this is probably something you can relate to. I want to know how I got these scars. How do you feel about... How do you feel? You really should. Your impressions shouldn't include touching me.

Look at me! Your impressions should stay seated. No, please stay seated. Just trust me and stay seated. Who goes to the fucking camcorder handshot for their Joker impression? A pro. And who likes it? A good audience.

What's the deal? For the prize bag, Jeff brought a copy of Tom Waits' CD. Yes. Is this like a double or a triple or something? It's a double live album CD. Very tasteful. That's what I, you know,

I pulled out some other CDs that were covered in jizz And I said, no, be tasteful, bring the one that's not Is that something I should be listening to, Tom Waits? Tom Waits in general? Yeah, he's great But you know the thing is Do you like trombones? No, that's from the album Swordfish and Trombones

But again, the point being is None of my CDs are covered in jizz. I want to make that clear. They're all clean, tasteful, enjoyable music. Really? Young people would love it. What in your home is covered in jizz? I don't want to put you on the spot.

That's bad improv. I'm going to ask you, do you think if we put a blacklight to your PC, does it look like a Picasso painting? Does it look like a Picasso painting? Does it look like a Jackson Pollock more? Does it look like you were eating a Cinnabon?

I mean, give me a minute. I'll find it. Try Kevin Pollock. As Kevin Pollock? Fuck. Your CD is in the bag. It's called Impregnated with Wonder. Yep.

We got a new one coming out very soon. So this is... Hold on one second here. You refer to your own CDs as we got a new one coming out? Yeah. You got a corporation? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the hell's going on with you?

My next guest is a very funny comedian who's... Yeah, no, I got a new CD coming out. Yeah, don't use we. Did I? You said we got a new CD coming out. Yeah, don't use we. Did I? You said we got a new CD coming out. Does it look like you're... You have a team that puts this stuff together? Don't ever say we.

Not around me. If you want to hang with me, don't say we. That's all I'm saying. What is this, training day? Denzel, you're going to make me smoke crack now? Hold on. We're in the office. Don't say we.

King Kong's got nothing on Jeff. Hold on. Hold on. I've got a hat from Real 3D. Okay, it's a comedic training day. You know when you get hurt, but you lose stage time. Can I tell you this? You people

is the N-word of the stand-up world. On stage. Yeah, if you say, I don't know what you people are doing. No, for me, it's who's ready. Who's drinking? Oh, that's ugly. I don't know what you people are doing. No, for me, it's who's ready. Mine's who's drinking. Oh, that's ugly. I hate a who's drinking.

Who's drinking? Who's ready for your headliner? Oh, being called the headliner in general is gross. It's disgusting. Yeah. Ah, fuck it all. I don't know how I'm going to judge which one of you I hate more right now. I can't get Jeff to do my podcast, so I just want to do it here.

You won't do his podcast? No. Alright, Jeff. I like you better. What happens when we die? We don't go on your podcast, that's for sure. There's no after-death version of your podcast.

That was so Glaser Glazer man That was great I do think you're hysterical though I really appreciate that No I don't want you to at this point Because of the integrity of it TJ Miller Yeah Denver I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Doug.

I was in this guy's car, and he kept telling me I had to get high because I wouldn't be able to understand what was happening once I got high. And I was so scared, but I was new to the situation, and he was like a veteran. And I just kept thinking to myself, what is this, training day? How did you know that? Hi, Jeff. What's that?

Is this on the radio? Were you listening to it in the car on the way over? Yeah, you guys don't get that live feed? It's on 3101 AM. It's the highest AM station. Those are the construction updates. And you know what? You know you made a bad joke when Pete goes,

ha! It almost sounds like... Or a boat is arriving. No! I was funny too! Before all this. He's already crumbling into himself. I really do love... Yeah, you know, because I feel like Pete

inhales air especially So that he can laugh Because he's always ready to laugh He's a great laugher But I think so often Maybe you don't say something funny And so Pete goes Jeff you're killing it

With the physical humor That's one of my least favorite things You know what Doug One of my least favorite things. You know what, Doug? One of my least favorite things is you being very particular about your favorite things. I'm just trying to judge this competition. I'm trying to do it fairly. I just got out of the pool.

So Jeff just, this is one of my gifts. Jeff just sprayed himself with Evian facial spray. It's natural mineral water. I actually keep one of those in my desk drawer. Is that true? I swear to God. I do like them. I think they're very funny, but it's my closer right now as I talk about this is the most

American thing. When I'm in my office. Go ahead, Jeff. Yeah. No, no, no. You didn't sense at all that he was launching into a bit? Often when I end a sentence, it's for sure sounding like I'm going to continue the sentence.

I like people to come in with their own story. Doug, you're kind of killing it with the physical here. It is... Oh, don't put it in your mouth. It's water from Evian, France. Oh, that's true. You can spray it.

It's water that you spray on your face. Revitalize yourself or discipline your cat. Thank you, everybody. I've been killing it this time. Really, it's good to see everyone. I wish you really did leave. No. It's not true. The facial spray, there are people in villages

dying. So when I'm in my office and I wake up from a nap, I pull that out of the drawer, spray my face all over. And you say, Jeff, you've been a naughty cat. Somebody's been a naughty kitty. That's great. If you spray your cat with an Evian facial mist

to discipline them, that's the sort of most lenient discipline. Bad kitty, now you're in the tropics. Bad kitty, you're refreshed and your facial area is getting toned. Don't waste

that water. There are people in villages that are dying. I wish it would be fun to give away an empty bottle of Evian. Let Jeff start his story. I finished it. I'm done. My story was called If Somebody, and that's all I needed to know. I said, If Somebody. Done.

Which one do you think is worse, Jeff, between these two? Those two? Yeah, yeah. Worse in terms of what? Because you were getting along great with Pete. Everything seemed really great. Yeah, he was getting along really well. As I came on stage, Pete goes,

wait, but what is it, Denzel? And then you said, no, but I really think you're funny. It sounds like they get along wonderfully. Well, yeah, but I feel like... But I'm not doing your podcast either. Not that you asked me, but I won't. No one does my podcast. Well, then you're good.

No, but it's a joke of it. No, that's good, though. Oh, I'm not going to be on your podcast? Because you have a new podcast. Jeff Garlin has a podcast on Earwolf. You've got to have a lot of stuff to talk about. Earwolf! What is that? That's where you're at with impressions?

It can just even be a word and you impersonate it the same way you do everything else. Air wolf! Yeah! Jersey Mike's sub sandwiches! Yeah! I'll drink your milkshake! Yeah!

Yeah! That is the winner. Mr. Potter! Yeah! Don't forget Javier Bardem. I'll be right back. Javier Bardem. What does he say?

Don't put it in your pocket. Yeah! What are you going to... You're going to... Okay, yeah, let's do that. If there's any beer back there, Pete, bring one for me. Jeff, I'd like to have the same relationship Pete and you had.

I'm really, really insecure and scared that you don't like me, but also, I think I'm better than you. That's Pete. That's Pete talking. TJ's just the messenger. That's what. That's Pete talking. TJ's just the messenger. That's what Pete would say. It's true.

You said the funniest thing you said all night. It works better that the mic was on the table. You're welcome. Who leaves and comes back that fast? It's a Neil Simon play. We barely had time to talk about you. We scripted this whole thing. Instead, I exit, and then I come back and go,

what happened? I love a Neil Simon joke. There's three people on the Upper West Side in Manhattan, like, listening. I knew there was a reason I was listening to Douglas' podcast. So TJ contributed two copies of the extended

play EP Illegal Heart Remix. Enough to make a reference about it, Jeff. What's that, Doug? I've lived on the Upper West Side. I've never met anyone like that. Upper East Side, yes. Apologies to Matt. That could have been seen as anisemitic. What is it? Nothing.

There's more Jews on the Upper West Side than the Upper East Side. Well, now, because of that white flight after all the black people moved into the Upper East Side. Here's what's weird. You're all offended, but none of that is real. Nothing that I just said is true. There's no black people on the Upper East Side. There's no white flight of Jewish people to another. That doesn't even make any sense. The great white flight of Jewish people to another. That doesn't even make any sense.

The great white flight of 2000. You remember where everybody that was Jewish went? Who is worse in terms of what? In terms of what's happening right now. Oh, I think they're both wonderful. Go to Orvieto. That's the Italian version. Now can I answer?

Thank you, Jeff. We could drink wine. I'm not going away with you. We just met. I am not going to Abiedo. I think you're very sensual. Would you find it insulting if I invited the two of you to my bedroom?

Yeah! I don't know. We drink wine. We listen to good music. Would you drink my milkshake this is my son and business partner HW now it's blending it's becoming the other one

trying to get a three way going with some weird kid hey little fella this is my son and this is my son and sex partner HW I'm about to geyser gush is my son and sex partner, H.W. played for me. I'm about to geyser gush! Here comes my milkshake! I'm finished!

Who could be like, maybe Jeff needs a partner. Maybe if Jeff had someone on his team. That was four there will become jokes in a row, and they each checked out. None of them sounded like Daniel Day-Lewis having an orgasm. Once he went to the Bond villain having an orgasm

and referring to it as milkshake, it wasn't funny anymore. We lost something. And once Jeff Garlin thought that Daniel Day-Lewis and Daniel Craig were the same person. And Harvey A. Bardem. It's a real blur of impressions. You did Daniel Craig in there?

No. No, but you said a Bond villain. Well, I guess that's Bond. He means Harvey A. Bardem from the hit movie SkyMall. It's where Bond defeats his foes using the world's largest crossword puzzle. Good night, everybody. See you nearby if you're shopping when you fly. Go to SkyMall.

They have a jingle? Oh, they do. Do you hear it if you drink a bunch of in-flight cocktails and pass out? When you do an hour on the road, is it like an hour, but it's about 20 minutes of you being like, good night, everybody? So if you added up all the good night, everybody, that's it. What if that was the end? TJ's wearing a Rolex.

Is he? yep this is real too Jeff you know I got that that fucking Yogi Bear money that ain't no pay per view cable home box whoopsies that's that real Warner Brothers talking bear comedy money

how much did that shit make? the Yogi Bear 3D? Didn't we play that when you were on one time? $100 million domestic. $100.3, I think. $100 million of beer? That's the sound of Pete one-hand high-fiving. If you're ever like, what's the sound of Pete high-fiving when no one else is around?

That was it. I thought you were checking your phone, Jeff, and that made me sad. No, I was just checking my Arrowhead water bottle. You know, it's always good comedy when I'm prone to reading my water bottle. I've had it with this shit, Doug. Jeff, this is

a thinly disguised... You're sponsored by Arrowhead. It's just a thinly disguised advertisement You get this shit going. You're sponsored by Arrowhead. It's just a thinly disguised advertising. No, Doug, seriously, I really am embarrassed to be on this show. I feel... All right, he's getting back in the game. Like I'm on your podcast, I feel like.

That's how bad it feels. What are we doing? Who here thirsts for entertainment? Do you dark for nights? Who here borns for supremacy? Let the games begin. I came too late to talk about... Who will endure?

The lights just came on. The poster. What do you mean? It just came on. Wait a second, Doug. Doug, before we start the game... Hold on. The poster box just came on. Wait a second, Doug. Before we start the game. We got some game tags. Put it down.

I'm not done yet. Everybody who put up their tag too quickly of the men, you all prematurely ejaculate when you have intercourse. Here's what I really want to say. I have never shared the stage with two people as talented as TJ and Pete. Doug, I've been on the stage with many people as talented as you.

But TJ and Pete, I have never. I'm not as talented as you, Doug, so that tells you something. So the math there is that the two of us are as talented as Jeff, who's less talented than Doug. My sister's nephew's niece is my brother's mother. Who is my sister? You. Correct.

Wait. My dad. Can I tell you something? When you started that bit, I was like, this better end with Michael Moore. My dad or I'm going to fucking punch you in the bit, I was like, this better end with Michael Moore. My dad or I'm going to fucking punch you in the neck. I was like, this better end. Doug, they can put their shit up now.

Netflix, what about... Okay, put your shit out, everybody. Jeff Garlin is ready, everybody. We haven't talked about anything. Let's see that shit. Did you not talk about Gangster Squad? We don't have time for that, buddy. Of course not,

but I wanted to bring it up so that people could be like, oh, I wish they would have talked about Gangster Squad. I was just hoping... Pick a name tag. Go get the name tag you want to play for. Grab it from them and then come back to your seat. So far, you guys are doing none of that.

Jeff. I don't know why you just... This happens every week. They just sit there and stare out. It's amazing. Is that beer? Yes, for you. Oh, he's got beer.

That's going to be helpful. That's what we're looking for. Now I need a name test. Wow, this is a really good one. Jeff is winning this part by not... He hasn't even gotten up yet. Who put the most work? I want to tell you about a couple things one. Jeff is winning this part by not, he hasn't even gotten up yet. Who put the most work? I want to tell you about a couple of things

that Pete Holmes is doing lately. Can you say Gangster Squad again so I can try an impression? Sure. Gangster Squad. I'm just hoping I might take you to bed. No, it's higher. He has a really high voice in that movie.

I just thought I might take you to bed. No, it's more like, I just thought I might take you to bed. No, it's right. That wasn't bad. I just thought I might take you to bed. Have you seen Drive? I don't talk much. My dick glows blue when Gosling's near. That can't be a good thing. You should see a doctor.

No, ma'am. I just thought I might take you to bed. So who do you want to play for, Jeff? I am going to start a tradition by playing for whoever's you to bed. So who do you want to play for, Jeff? I am going to start a tradition by playing for whoever's closest to me. Oh, I like that. And bring it to me. Oh my god, she is pointed to her.

She's like, you're closer. Oh no, what the fuck? Then you come here. She worked harder? Yeah, she worked really hard on hers. I don't know what this bit TJ's doing now. He's trying to get a cigarette? Can you do that after? I'm completely confused by this,

but... You need a lighter to open your bottle. Now I get it. No singing. I can't afford that. You just saw, it's the Lion King of Beers. Come on. I knew you wouldn't laugh at it, but it was great. You gave up on it

as you were saying it. It's the Lion King of Beers. Come on. Nice try. It's the Lion King of Beers. Come on. Who are you playing for, Pete? What'd you put in here? Nothing. If and when we play this game, who are you playing for, Pete? What'd you put in here? Nothing

If and when we play this game, who are you playing for, Pete? I'm playing for Justin Did he put a roofie in here? He made a what about Justin instead of what about Bob poster No, ma'am I just thought I might take you to bed And he put my face is the dot in the eye So it's a good job there, Justin

You won't be able to reach me on this phone again The best place to practice an impression is on Doug Benson's podcast. You're goddamn right. I almost kissed. What did you put in my beer, Jeff, when I was looking away? He drank it. He drank it with his mouth and nose. All right.

I didn't use my nose. I guess maybe I did because I was breathing while I was, you know. Well, you want to let it in for the palate. Actually, I don't drink. I didn't choose my nose. I guess maybe I did, because I was breathing while I was, you know. Well, you want to let it in for the palate. Actually, I don't drink. I don't like that. Well, it's great white beer. Come on, have one. Have a little.

All right. There he goes. Who are you playing for, Jeff? Now a little bit. No, wait. Hold on. Who am I playing for? Beer tastes sorry.

I'm going to completely forget you. Are you about to say it on your thing? I'm sorry. Doug, you know, I can't play. Oh, Hobrit. Oh, I don't know. I'm playing for Hobrit. She changed

because her name is Brit. And she took the, I don't want to say that. She took the faces from the Hobbit and if it's possible, made them goofier. I think those are all her.

One of them even looks like Ben Folds is the Hobbit. Oh yeah, that is all you. You're all of them. There's Doug and Leonard Maltin. Oh, I'm in there somewhere in Leonard Maltin. Oh, then Leonard Maltin's the one I thought was Ben Folds. And then where's Doug?

Ben Folds was the one he thought was Leonard Maltin. Ben Folds Sr. Len Folds. By the way, I cannot separate your face from Doug's. Oh, there's Doug in the middle. Okay. I thought it was... Doug does just look like the main guy.

No, but doesn't that look like... I look exactly like that guy, yeah. ...Mel Gibson if he's having a stroke? It looks like what the disguise Mel Gibson put on after he had to go out after those jokes came out. Like, no one will think it's me. So I'm playing for Brittany? Britt.

No, Brittany. Brittany. I'm formal with her. I love Mel Gibson. And TJ, who are you playing for Hold on Yeah let's slow this thing down Why would we ever

Want to get to the game When we've only got Ten minutes left in the show Chips Because you're What was that It was Gollum Alright you know what

No nasty chips Just wet and wiggle The very long pearls Now some curls To taste so sweet I would fucking hang out with me every day. I would invite me every day. I think you have to. I think you have to. You do, yeah. That's why I'm so happy.

It is required of you when you wake up in the morning. What will this be in 10 years? This is probably how you get through it. Does anybody think about that. What will this be in 10 years? This is how you get through it. Does anybody think about that? What will this be in 10 years? Just a man who's like, I love having kids with myself. Who are you playing for, TJ? The Hobrit.

I'm playing for Hobrit? No, I'm not. Why would you do that to me? Jeff just made me say I was playing for Hobbit? No, I'm not. Why would you do that to me? Jeff just made me say I was playing for his person. Right? This would go smoother with children. That's the magic of comedians.

We have the souls of children. What was that? Suddenly we're in an enchanted forest. And Jeff, you see the hobbit and you're like we're now in a forest. We are in the hobbit where all your souls

are children. Go ahead Great White Johnson. The beer box that it's on is Great White otherwise you saying that sounds so weird. It does look like a frat boy t-shirt like Great White Johnson. And then the guy who's name it is... Like if there's blood in the water, I got a boner.

Great White Johnson t-shirt company. If you see my fin, date rape. Oh, I see, like Big Dog. Like Big Dog or Big Johnson. If it's too hot on the porch, let your shark disembowel you but continue to surf to prove a point. Oh, I see, like Big Dog. Like Big Dog or Big Johnson. If it's too hot on the porch, let your shark disembowel you, but continue to surf to prove a point.

Jeff decided one person in the audience shouldn't get to see what was happening. Are you his sponsor or something? Because these guys are fucked up. What are you on tonight, Pete? The app Uber. That's a what are you on tonight Pete the app Uber that's a call three people on the Upper East Side are like I did have a little rock account I'm playing for just who knows he wrote it in cool graffiti see that so that was sort of be like, hey, I'm cool.

And also, don't worry if you don't know what my name is. So I guess Just Eight? What is it, Justin? Justin. Justers? Justers.

Is that guy leave? Just Fish. What is it? What's your name? Just B. Just B? Oh, so wait, your name is B or it's Just B? Because it sounds like I'm like, what's your name? And B. So wait, your name is B or it's just B?

Because it sounds like I'm like, what's your name? And you're like, B. And you're like, what? Exactly. Look, buddy, if you want to tour with me and do half the time, I just need someone to come on the road and do 20 minutes of, thank you, good night. All right, you know what? If everyone doesn't like callbacks,

then I won't do them anymore. My brain lit up like the 4th of July. I'm so happy with you. So Pete's playing for Justin, TJ's playing for Just B, and Jeff is playing for Brittany. I'm really playing for the Mormon Jesus. And I'm playing

for the Mormon Allah. You know, before I came here tonight, I made a personal challenge to try and be as quiet as I could and let the young people take over this industry. And what happened? It happened. You two have taken over the industry.

You've taken it by storm. I want to announce both of them have a pilot at TBS. That's true. Pete is in a pilot called Hey That Guy who lives by the girl who lives by Wrigley Field. Yep. You're not one

of the leads though. You play Toby, the guy who cleans. I don't have any lines and I'm not on the show, but I do clean up after the tapings. And they film him during the credit sequence. they do, they think it's degrading to film me and TJ's on a show called Little Rainbow

I play Weenie Little Rainbow's best friend and Little Rainbow's I call myself a rainbow chaser because I'm always tagging along with Lil' Rain. Bo. Lil' Rainbow, you stop playing with that weird weenie. Hey, I'm not weird.

You sure are. It's not known for its writer. And you were playing the character Mrs. Gibbersnacks. That's amazing. Mrs. Gibbers... I'm a woman? Yeah, Mrs. Gibbersnacks. That's amazing. Mrs. Gibbersnacks. I'm a woman? Yeah, Mrs. Gibbersnacks. Oh, hello!

That's your woman? Yeah, Robin Williams taught men how to be women. That's... I thought Mel Gibson did, first of all. I know what women want. I wish there was an improviser that could run across the scene and that means you have to stop that scene

and go on to the next thing. It could be you, Doug. I have to run across when I want to change the subject? Doug, just do it. Are you really doing this again, Jeff? I'm ready. You're telling me to do it and then the next thing out of your mouth

is something that stops me from doing it. No, no. Can I do my character? Listen to me. Listen to me, Mrs. Whippersnax. I am in. Go, watch. This is my character. You play Mr. Whippersnax. I'm in. Go, watch. This is my character.

You play Mr. Whippersnax? We've got five minutes. Are you on Little Rainbow? I feel like Jack Bauer right now. The clock is ticking. And you're totally fucked up whenever you're not on it. I'm going to murder everyone who gets in my way. Maybe stop for a quick torture.

Kiefer means like a milky substance. I'm going to murder everyone who gets in my way. Maybe stop for a quick torture. Kiefer means like a milky substance. So when he comes, Kiefer Sutherland, I like to go, here comes Kiefer's Kiefer. Wait, when he comes, you like to go. So you're like, did he hire you to sit in the corner? What is the problem? It's me getting fucked. A lot of people say, Kiefer, is that drinkable yogurt? It is. When I met Kiefer Sutherland,

I tried to drink him as if he was a yogurt. Good for your intestines. Four minutes. I said to him, I go, when he's up in the air, I go, you're not a yogurt at all.

When he's up in the air, you go, gloony. You're the star of Lost Boys. Jeff, are you making a call? Just keep going. This is my character. The category, Hobbit Williams. It's a hobbit

that's played by Robin Williams. It should be Hobbit Williams. Hobbit. I can't change it now. Are you calling Uber Taxi? Gandalf. They say he's magic. Yes. I have hairy feet and I get laid.

That's magic, Jack. Oh, yes. You know, I don't get paid to be here. I have to look for parking. I have to remember to be here. Oh, my God. Jeff's on the phone. So have to remember to be here. Oh, my God. Jeff's on the phone. So he's going to be the winner because we've got three minutes left.

Can't help the grief. Yes. Also, the person. All right, go ahead. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, somebody's going to talk to us? Go ahead.

Do your thing. You're a quiet guy? Are you there? Jeff. talk to us? Go ahead. Do your thing. You're a quiet guy? Are you there? Jeff. What's that? Go ahead. My dad, he worked at General Motors. Ah! He called Michael Moore.

He called Michael Moore and he said, my dad. My dad. My dad worked at General Motors. My dad worked every day with a man named Hobbit Williams. What was so weird about that...

That was the best night of my life. But I also... I wasn't here for that... The beginning reference of that. Oh. So as everybody exploded in laughter like it was the greatest moment on Doug Love's movies,

I just sat here and was like, is it just B or is it B? or is it B? Installing windshields is not an easy T-esque. I choose Patricia R. Coquettish. Movies where Patricia R. Kett

acts coquettish. I pick... Jeff, I know you roofied my beer. Pete, I want to hang out with you while you enjoy hanging out with you. Okay, so the category is The Films of Michael Moore. Oh, boy.

And you're going to go first, Jeff. Okay. And we're just playing the one round cuz we have one minute Leonard gives this Michael Moore movie from 2007 three and a half stars mm-hmm and he says about the movie that it's provocative I give this triple M and he also says about it that it's Michael Moore's best film to date so when this came out in 2007 I want to call it was a great one Oh Michael Moore is on Jeff's favorites Wow yeah I just saw hold on just give me a second how many there's no names

listed how many names you think you can get it in? Calling Michael Moore. Do you know that or not? I know. That's why there's time limits. How many names do you think you can get it in, Jeff? I can get it. I can get it.

Get it in zero names? Hold on. I can get it in zero names. Okay. It says zero names. I'll give you the clues again, Jeff. It's a voice machine. Zero names.

Hi. I can't come to the phone right now because the recession has made it so hard to have any time minutes that sometimes I just turn it off to have a little me time. No, here's a better machine. You blew it.

Here we go. I can't come to the phone right now because of my dad. That's where you blew it? Don't overthink it. Here we go. I can't come to the phone right now because of my dad. That's when you blew it? Don't overthink it. Here's an even better outgoing message. What is this? I'm Michael Moore.

What is this? Training day? That was the first reference I heard. But the great thing is there was no thing. All right. Okay, Jeff, you have to name it.

Reno 911. Oh, my God! And somehow he's right. Fahrenheit 9-11. Oh, that's incorrect. I don't know who to give the point to, though. Oh, I know what it is.

Neither one of you challenged him, really. I challenged. That's how we'll do it. If you think you know what it is, keep it to yourself. Do you think you know what it is? Yes. I know what it is. Neither one of you challenged him, really. I challenged. That's how we'll do it. If you think you know what it is, keep it to yourself. Do you think you know what it is? Yes. I know what it is.

Jeff! Hey! George went. I wanted you to laugh at that. Did that no good? No good. And Pete, you look like if Ellen gave up for a couple of years. So don't fucking talk about anybody and how they look.

You look like Ellen was like, I'm'm gonna take some time off from the talk show And just eat I'm just gonna have a weird growth spurt I know what the movie is I think 2007 If you name it Here's what's gonna happen Bowling for healthcare

If you name it correctly Hang on you guys If Pete names it correctly, then the person that Pete is playing for, Justin, is going to win the prize bag. What do you think the movie is? That was so sincere. What do you think the movie is, Pete?

I think it's Sicko. That's correct. Yeah! How did you even get a chance to play? Where's Justin? Denver! Congratulations. Does this have a shithead in it? I didn't even get a chance to play. Where's Justin? Denver! There you go, dude. Congratulations. Does this have a shithead in it, Just B?

You know what? You get to name a shithead, Just B. Hey, you guys, this is bullshit with a capital B. Just B. Hey, Pete. Yeah. I can do it on my own. Here, write down on this piece of paper somebody for me to call a shithead here at the end of the show.

Anybody you want. You guys, thank you guys so much for coming. Does Hobbit have a thing on the back? No shithead on the back? Hobbit, do you have a shithead? That is nice, though. You did do a good job with that. Take off your glasses, baby.

Well, you're going to have a drop. We spray down everybody that comes near us, just in case. Get away, you frivolous cats. Okay, all right. Here you go. Stop scratching up the couch arm. Little kitty. What a violation.

It's like the end of an Aquaman. Oh, my God. My dick feels like it's in the Serengeti because my dick doesn't realize that the Serengeti is a desert-ish area. Jeff, at the Winter Comedy Festival, can we do a show

that's just this but without... Let's really get to it. You know what I mean? Let's get to it. Let's really wet it down. You know what I mean? Let's get to it. Let's really wet it down. Come on. Hey. Hey.

Hey. When people say to me, hey, is that wee-wee? I'll say, no, it's just wee. Just wee. Thank you. Good night. TJ Miller just won.

You are the most obnoxious guest this time. There will always be a rematch. Jeff Garland hugging Jeff Garland who just covered my crotch in facial mist. Thanks you guys. If I could just have a moment with these guys without you

that would be great. Oh, yeah, don't forget to give that to somebody. That empty avion. Oh, I'm going to take that lighter. Don't forget. Oh, you want me to take a picture? Here, let me do it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. That's a good pose. Okay, now one without Pete. Nothing. Thanks, you guys. T.J. Miller, Pete Holmes, Jeff Garlin. Just exit through that curtain right there.

Just go right out through there. Just jog through there you're not on microphone anymore so people are still listening to this TJ won Pete TJ won we already have a winner just exit the stage

here I got an idea I got an idea I I got an idea. I'd like to choose the category Michael Morris last. Is this good or bad? I'm just going to go over here and say... Okay, shut down Shut down all their microphones

Jeff what were you saying When I interrupted you earlier We're five minutes over Oh here we go A new Dining with Doug and Karen With Brian Posehn Is available now In the comedy podcast section

Of iTunes And is available now in the comedy podcast section of iTunes. And, uh... Hey, do you want to be on that podcast sometime, Jeff? You seem like you're in a really receptive mood to being on podcasts. And as always, Marcus, Leslie, Penny, Jeff, you cannot win. TJ is the winner.

You cannot win at this point. Better luck next time. TJ, you won. Don't make me change my mind. Get away from me. Get away from me! I'm going to murder you in front of everyone.

Go take a picture of traffic. in front of everyone. Go take a picture of traffic. I'm trying to name the shitheads. You found my microphone doesn't work. Marlon's the one who did. It was kids. As always, Marcus Leslie Penny is a shithead and Avion Spray is a shithead. There's no room in his heart for you Cause the club's boobies