Doug Loves Movies - Jeff Garlin, T.J. Miller, and Pete Holmes Guest

Episode Date: June 21, 2012

Doug gets a few words in before he welcomes comedians Jeff Garlin, T.J. Miller, and Pete Holmes to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates any rappers screaming, maybe Sidney Seed With 50 azar pop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey everybody My name is Doug and I love movies This is Doug Loves Movies Coming to you from the UCB Theater

In Los Angeles, California On June 19th through Ocean's 12th Since last I spoke and you listened I recorded a Doug Loves Movies in New York City At the Gramercy Theater with Jim Gaffigan Rob Cantrell, Dave Juskow, and James Adomian. Available soon or now in the comedy album section. It's available now. I saw it

today. Of iTunes for two bucks. Next Gramercy taping is on July 2nd. I also did two shows last weekend at Tommy T's in Pleasanton, California. And the recording I did of the Leonard Maltin game didn't come out so great. So let me just recap it for you guys. On Saturday, my opening act, Chris Tinkle,

took on an audience member named... What was his name? Oh, shit. I should have wrote that in there. Matt from Concord? Yeah, that's it. Matt from Concord. And he picked the category Ghost Protocol, which is movies where Elijah Wood dies, of course.

And the movie we played was Ice Storm, and he got it in zero names. Yeah, and his name tag was a stuffed baby tiger, and we crushed its head under a Prius out in the parking lot after the show. The Prius he was driving. He's like, let's drive my Prius over it. I was like, why?

And he goes, because that would be funny. And on Sunday, Ngayo Bilem was my support act, and he lost to Corey from Hercules. Hercules, Hercules. There's no Douglas Movies taping here next Tuesday But Monday, June 25th I'll be doing a show over at Nerd Melt Ten bucks, great guests

Now it's time for Not For Emetophobes Prometheus has an extended puking scene Very early on in the movie So I recommend that Emetophobes Skip the first 15 minutes And then go ahead and skip the rest of it This has been Not for a metaphobe

I'll be doing Douglas Movies taping at Hyenas in Dallas On Sunday, July 22nd At 7.30 And before that I'm doing a stand-up show at 4.20 Where an audience member can win a spot In that night's Douglas Movies And the next night we're going to do

more stand-up in Fort Worth at Hyena's over there. Special guests. Now it's time for Watch This Not That. The number one movie at the U.S. box office right now is Madagascar 3, Ghost Protocol. And the number two movie is Prometheus.

As far as I know, there isn't any violent vomiting in Madagascar, so go see Madagascar 3, not Prometheus. This has been Watch This, Not That, a Metaphobes edition. Just for them. Episode 3

of, also not for Metaphobes, episode 3 of Dining with Doug and Karen is also available now in the comedy album section of iTunes for free. The guests on this episode are Mary Lynn Reiskub and the Grilled Cheese Truck. Yeah. And also available sooner now, the Doug Benson, the TBI, Benson Interruption, number 16 with Chelsea Peretti, the Nerdist Boys, and more, also for

$2 in the comedy album section of the aforementioned iTunes. One more thing before I bring our guests out. Tweet relief, tweets about movies. Past and future guests from Motion City soundtrack drummer Tony Thaxton. At Tony Thaxton tweeted,

Eddie Murphy books his travel on Norbits. This has been Tweet Relief tweets about Norbits. Norbit. Alright, prize bag's got some cool stuff in it. It's got a book that one of the guests hastily bought on his way here. It's got a DVD

that features one of the guests that's coming out here that many of you know who's going to be here. Because I leak the information because this is such a milestone show. Also from Untitled Magazine, a copy of an autobiography about Bozo that is signed by Bozo. It says, just keep laughing on the inside. So I didn't know that was Bozo's slogan. Doug Diggs' it for this episode is a copy of the movie Snatch. I enjoy Snatch.

I enjoy Snatch and all of its permutations, whether it's a vagina or a movie or a wrestling move. A CD by one of the gentlemen that's coming out here. Also, I'm running out of these, but I still have another copy of Go by Motion City Soundtrack. And, hot off the presses, hasn't come out yet, Smug Life. Double album.

July 3rd. Look for it then, and look for it right here, right now, on this stage. We did it. My friends, Jeff Garland, Pete Holmes, and T.J. Miller. Wow. Wow.

It's the Holy Trinity. It's the true crucifixion of your leader. Hey. I'm going to stand the whole show. That's my thing now. Old dick on the table, Holmes. There he goes. Slap it down.

Slap it down. Slap it down. Denver, yeah! You suck at it. There he goes. Slap it down. Slap it down. Slap it down. Yeah! You suck at it. You suck at it when I do it. Jeff, I'll get an impression of you by the end of the show. You weren't acting like this backstage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was saving up. He was like, I'm going to be the alpha dog. Backstage, you're cool, and you're a dick on stage. Because that's what I'm feeling. That's the vibe I'm feeling. You went from zero to figuring it out in under two seconds alright I'm just making sure because you were very nice back there

well I'm a gentleman I was wearing a jaunty cap you weren't wearing any cap don't lie to the people they can see that I have jaunty they just come out swinging Doug has already checked out he's like I'm done with it

Garland and Holmes are about to have a conversation for the next 20 minutes about the last five minutes Cloverfield you can't use that anymore this will be the quietest I ever be at one of your shows that's my tiny Tim crutch but I throw it down and I dance in the streets.

I don't do this when I come on. When I come on your show, I don't do this, okay? I don't hijack it. Jeff, listen to me. This is a reflection of you. I just happen to be extremely humble. We are a reflection of you, Jeff. We are you.

We are you. We are you. This is what you are. Own it. We don't like being an ego chap. It's a curse, chap. They're far too energetic for me. And I may leave.

Don't you ever leave us. We know that your car broke down. You can't leave. Oh, I have an app called Uber, my friend. I can work wherever the fuck I want. Somebody sponsored by Uber. I wish I was sponsored by Uber. Wherever I went, they just took has ever been used in an instant. I wish I was sponsored by Uber. Wherever I went, they just took me for free.

I'd say their name all the time. That could happen. Oh, that's your CD? That is. See, there's the boy you met backstage. Impregnated with comedy. Impregnated with wonder. Oh, there's a picture on the back.

All right. You just spittled on it. All right. I mean, this is a great book. It's worth more now. Is this your book? Oh, T.J. Miller's got a DVD? I like that you said there's a picture on the back.

It's extended and uncensored. I like that that was your... You look at the back of his CD and he goes, oh, there's a photo on the back. Fancy. This is like... I didn't say that. This is already like a triple...

You were wearing a cap. I'm only going to deny... You were wearing a jaunty cap. I'm going to deny everything you guys say. This is like a triple exposed photograph. It's all, all three are just happening the whole time.

You're like my fucking dad like reading signs. He's like, oh, they got 24 hour Waffle House over here, Peter.

I guess they fried Immediately a family guy impression. This is not what I do. Just immediately. I never do bits. I'm just funny. And I'm funny in the moment

with what's going on on stage. These fucking guys have an on switch and it just goes on. So, here. Why was Paul's TV bit not on your special? You're a very spitty talker. For working in the moment, you're not doing a lot with your spittle

hitting everything you touch. I don't see any spittle. That was the first funny thing you did. We've been out for like three seconds. You have the garland seal of approval. It feels much longer with you. Go for it. It feels much longer.

I'd love to be stuck in an elevator with you. So what happened with Paul's TV? It just never worked right. I totally get that. Why did you include it if it never worked right? Comedy Central made me, Jeff. I don't have your power. I don't have Uber.

You do not have Uber and you don't have my power. Drug Mine. You're just reading the track names? No, the outtakes, the bonus features. Oh, I see. There's more spit. The bonus features are just the things that didn't go well. Oh, that's not funny? This is the pop-up Kama Sutra book,

which I had nothing because my car broke down, so I went to the corner and I bought it. It's a pop-up Kama Sutra. You just pull the tab, if only it were that easy. Right, fellas? Was that funny, Jeff? Marshaling and judging my routines? By the way, that was funny. It wasn't that funny, but? Marshaling and judging my routine. By the way, that was funny.

It wasn't that funny, but it was pretty funny. What is this, TBS? Pretty funny? Eat a dick! What is this? This is going to end in some terrible self-realization for all of us. We're all going to die together here. No, no, no. Finish ranking and critiquing. No, I'm done. Doug, how are you?

Doug, how have you been? Doug, do you have your microphone? Doug just put his microphone away. Have you guys been to the movies? The silent killer. I've seen three movies this past week. The silent killer I have I've seen What are the three point ones? I've seen

Three movies this past week Alright let's hear about All of them Good luck to the other Two players What are we playing? Listen to Jeff for a while Laser

Prometheus I saw last night Yeah Impossible to say It was good Prometheus You really last night Yeah Impossible to say It was good Prometheus You really force it Don't you You just don't

You should have just Given me a little I was going to work In your spittle Coming in And saying Prometheus The spittle thing Is a dry run

This is like This is like being The second tier Rodeo clown Like next to Pete And the bull Is going to maul him and kill him. And I'm just like, I'll be over here, not dying.

TJ? It was just like your part in Unstoppable. TJ? All right. So Prometheus was good, but it falls below expectations so far by just being okay. Yeah, it was good.

I heard the monsters look like shrimp. Is that true or not? They have a shrimp-ish quality. A shrimp-ish quality? What part? They all have tails? No. Or they're delicious in cocktail sauce.

It's all shrimpy. I don't know. Well, one guy said he couldn't eat shrimp for a couple weeks afterwards. And that guy's an idiot. Which it hasn't even been out for a couple weeks. That guy's the dumbest guy ever. That was the guy. That man is my father, Jeff Garland.

I'm talking about my dad. Then your dad is the dumbest guy ever. That is also true. All right. Do you think that there's any people out in any red states that are already planning to try to forbid the invention of the abortion machine that the girl uses in that movie. We've got to stop this thing from happening in the future.

But she had a deep belief in God. Go figure. There are people in red lobster states trying to stop the movie from being made because it puts shrimp in a bad light. He's the only comedian to stand up and sing for himself. One to ten.

How's my love story? Five. Five. You're not impressing me. If you were this way back, see, I know how TJ is. Did you see Moonrise Kingdom? Yes. Jeffrey, what did you think of it? It fell apart at the end. Not for me. I loved it. Jeff, how could you like the ending? I loved the whole thing. That's

bullshit. You know who likes the ending? Who? The stupidest person on the face of the earth. You and my father. We saw it together with erections. You both have that Wes Anderson connection. And then My Sister's Sister. I loved it. Which is the?

T and Tamara movie. Yeah! We are the champions, my friends. Can I say something? Give me a six. Jeff. By the way, if you hadn't done that backstage, I would have given you more credit. You fucking son of a bitch. Never give away our show business secrets.

Everything you've said out here. That was a ten. That was the best. This is a 10. That was the best. This is too easy. That was funny. Never give away our show business secrets. I will never do that again. That's hysterical.

Pete's got two Garland stars. I call them Starlands. Jeff Garland gives out his comedy Starlands whenever his pupils are good in class. It was exhilarating to win you over, I'm not going to lie. The ultimate, Pete, is a gold Jeff Starlin.

If you can get that by the end of the show, you graduate to being able to be a third lead on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yes, you graduate to be a third lead. Don't TJ and Pete remind you of the Sklar... I was remind you of the Sklar... Retarded children?

I was going to say the Sklar brothers, but in this case, one of them is ugly. It's me. I pushed my face hard against the wall. I used to be Ryan Reynolds. Because they're so studly. I'm just saying it was fun to let them figure out which one I meant.

Yeah, but also the people who don't know the Scarbrothers, you're going to think they're very handsome. The Scarbrothers? I love them in the Lion King. The Scarbrothers are... Can I tell you something? The Scarbrothers were... He's thinking about standing up.

No, in the Lion King, they were great. That was also funny. Thank you very much, Jeff. I'm going to do this to you all night. There's another one of you in my head. I want you to know that going pretty good. The Scarbrothers are a terribly deformed duo. They were in a

terrible fire. They used to be famous jugglers. Don't joke about them. You can tell them apart by where their scars are. I think the Scar Brothers are very handsome. Alright, enough talk about movies. Let's get down to I talked about movies. You did. You brought up a bunch of them. Which

Scar Brother would you want to be, Jeff? Jism Sklar. Whoa. He's the third Sklar brother. Jism Sklar. Who had 16 minutes in the Jism pool? Did you guys? I swear to God.

You get Jism into every show you come on. If I could have set a jism pull-up as they were waiting in line and just said, how long do you think until the jism comes out? Jeff, why do you think jism is funnier than ejaculate? I think ejaculate is so much funnier

than jism. Look at that definitive. It's what's the opposite of a Jeff Sterling. It got the K sound, but jism is much funnier. That's another show business secret. You're not supposed to tell them. But it's not our secret.

That's true. If it was our secret, I would not tell them. These are like magicians talking about where them doves be at. Are they hip hop magicians? Yo, where them doves at, fool? I got no idea. My cage is straight up open. Them shits

is flying around all over the house. Quick, get a large net like an old-timey dog catcher. I went for the last one and I wish I had it. I had something with hammer pants and multiple doves hidden, but I wanted to see where you were going.

Why didn't you go for it? Here's a tip. You can hide mad doves in hammer pants. That's why I didn't go for it. Jeff, we're going to be testing our material and then saying we won't do it. Did you have any hip-hop magician riffs?

She doesn't need two mics. We both did my exact ones. I had the same shit. It's my opener now on my tour. First of all, jism pool is not okay. Who said the word pool? Doug Benson. It's a jizz pool.

He jumps right into the deep end. Oh, wait, Jeff. It becomes singular when it's a pool. It's a jizz pool? It is. It's a very complicated, ejaculate lexicon. There are certain areas in the country where they have lots of jizz. Hey, that's a show jizzness trick.

Also, I like that the person that Jeff clearly likes the most is himself. Nobody? Fuck you guys. Would you come in here picking who you liked? We didn't mean to divide you. We're all here to entertain you. I love you too, Jeff.

Thanks, that one person. Let's fuck out back. In a jism pool. There he is. There's Jism Sklar. Finally, somebody took mud wrestling up a notch. To Jism Pool.

Brought to you by Uber. I gotta tell you something man if by us mentioning it they get excited that's a good thing I mentioned Hulu on my podcast got three months of Hulu

did you really? it's true so Uber Uber's fantastic isn't Uber only sedans is it taxis? it's sedans you can get a taxi

but why would you want to get into a taxi? Jeff is it affordable? is it affordable? because we weren't a third lady on Curb Your Enthusiasm. No one at home can see this,

but as Jeff is laughing, gold coins are falling out of his pocket. And he's holding a money bag with a dollar sign on the outside. He's like, ah! Is it affordable? What is that, Pete?

Pete, it's funny you asked. It's very affordable. Is it an easy to use? An easy to use. Is it an app I have on my iPhone? But what if I have

a droid? I have a droid now. I just switched to droid today. Droid today. I switched. I droid today. Droid today. I switched. I switched to the Motorola something or other. The Motorola something or other?

What model is that? It's the one that you don't have to ever mention. It's a random phone that switches every day. It's the one of, whatchamacallit. Did I mention Hulu? Three months of Hulu coming up. I got into Hulu, yeah. So I'm going to get it. Are you Hulu's friend? You have to be the host, right, to get it. Are you mention Hulu? Three months of Hulu coming out. I got into Hulu, yeah. I'm going to get it. Are you Hulu's premium?

You have to be the host, right, to get it. Are you Hulu premium? I'll give you the premiums. I don't think they want to call it that, though. Is Hulu premium? What great advertisement for these companies. It's very affordable.

Guys, I want to do one. Can I find one? There is a Hulu app. There is. You can stream it. All right. You know my slogan for Fleshlight, right? What is it?

Fuck those things. I thought it was going to be... Just got a case of free ones. I thought it was going to be Fleshlight. The guy gets three of them, Pretends he's having a Okay so Does anyone hunger for games? Hunger for games Just the audience

You got something coming in on your phone Jeff? I'm downloading Uber for you Oh that's my phone? You should turn Wi-Fi on I need that I need my phone We got a game Wi-Fi on. I need that. I need my phone.

We've got a game to play. I thought it was Fleshlight, so it's come to this. So think about this. I'm in L.A. I got a flat tire. I called Uber. Really? Yep.

All good. And there it is. Install app. You've got to put your own thing in there. I don't understand. They'll come to wherever you are? Yes. And it tells you on there how far away they are and how long they'll take. And for a fee, Jeff Garlin will come

and install it on your phone. Yes, for a fee. That's true. What would that cost, Jeff? Seven dollars. So wherever you are, if you search Google for Jeff Garlin fee for Uber, it'll go to a website that'll bring me over.

Seven dollars dot com? In the Uber car. You come in the car. Uber. Every third car has Jeff Garland. Every third car, it's all he does all day. You know, I'm a slow burn. At first, you're not sure what to do with me, but then you're like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I know what to do.

You put it out. You were just so quiet and humble back there, and then you just come out here, and you're just like He was nervous, Jeff. You both are nervous. We're both nervous. I'm glad that you said that about me. Don't worry. I think it's important that you told me how I felt.

I know you're nervous. Don't read ahead, Jeff. It's fair to say, and I think the audience will agree with me, that the three are in a dead heat for tonight. Yeah. You all have a chance to win this thing. Let's do it.

And I'm not just talking about the Leonard Moulton game. I'm talking about the separate game that I'm keeping track of as we go. Is that real? Pete's so scared. Wait, is this happening? What is happening? I knew it. Are you excited about winning most difficult guest?

Whoa. What the fuck are you talking about? Jeff won't believe a word of it. I'm totally in the moment, man. I'm not turning the on switch off. No, that's why I love having you on. That's why I love having you here. Are you being sarcastic?

Because I fucking won't come. Listen, hey. What the hell are you talking about? You think I want to come to a free show? What the fuck are you blowing? Wow. And this is the beginning of that whole real station. Because we always go on sale.

Because we always have dick guys leave. If I was a dick guy. You're not a dick, so stay. This is my last appearance, though. No funny improv fights. HBO isn't here. Fool all you want. I'm out.

But you're going to win today. Hold on a second. I'm rich. I'm handsome. The world is my oyster. What the fuck am I doing here? Why am I not on my yacht? I got off my yacht to come here.

What the fuck is going on? Why were you sleeping on your yacht in the middle of the night? Hey Uber, I need a free ride from my yacht. I'll be Larry. Why were you sleeping on your yacht in the middle of the afternoon? Be on your yacht. Hey, Uber, I need a free ride from my yacht. I'll be Seinfeld to your yacht thing. He should be on his yacht. What's he doing here?

Free show. He's got money. He's got Lug's Oyster. He should be on a yacht. I don't know why we're all not applauding. Even Jerry Seinfeld sometimes becomes a robot after applause. Jeff, if you don't get applause, ask for it.

Show business 102. I skipped 101. Anyone can take 101. Your jugglers, your hobo magicians. Fuck that. I took 101. We were hobo magicians. No, I was a hip-hop clown, Jeff. It's not funny.

No, I'm serious, Jeff. And I had a dove component for a while. But then I lost my doves, Jeff, and I also lost my identity. So you're going to walk out on the first time that I'm able to say this publicly? Well, go on. Walk. But don't come back. Stay on your yacht. You missed out on the first time that I'm able to say this publicly, well go on. Walk. But don't come back.

Stay on your yacht. You missed out on this one. The USS Friendship. He didn't even have to ask for a hug. Jesus. He just did it. I love the gold. We have to be here for all the mining. This is healing diseases

that haven't yet formed in my body. Being this near to joy. You laugh like the cartoon shoe being dipped. It's a Roger Rabbit reference for the wind. Did you hear me get it a little later? Yeah, I did. I was like, what the fuck is Pete going, oh, yeah! Tim cartoon shoe, I'm in.

I felt so bad for that shoe. So to answer your question, yes, who framed Roger Rabbit? Recent movies I've seen. On laser disc in Jeff's basement of his yacht. My yacht is a basement. It doesn't move. The basement's a... Never mind.

He calls it games. It's the water room. It's the... Well, it can be if I flip the switch when I'm doing James Bond movies. Do you have

a yacht? Yeah, because then I... Are you so rich that you're producing your own James Bond movies? For my own enjoyment. I play Mr. Bond and the guy who calls him Mr. Bond. Do you have a yacht?

No. If you did, would it be called Crab Your Enthusiasm? Really? Really. Really? Hands overhead. Put your hands down. I don't need...

Make sure they... You're in last place now. Because you're the first one to do what I asked you to do when I asked you to do it. Grab your enthusiasm. Put your hands down. You know what? When I'm falling asleep tonight

and everybody else is feeling good because they're joke marshals deciding what is and isn't funny, I'm going to be the one falling asleep with a sweet smile going, grab your enthusiasm. Us joke marshals might roll over and our star might

spear our heart and we might die. I'm rich. I'm handsome. The world is my oyster. I should be on the SS crab your enthusiasm right now. Every time I redo it, it gets less funny. Pete, you're the co-captain of this ship

and Jeff either needs to get on or we're leaving port. I will hop on board the USS Friendship. Yeah! I'm a champion! My Denver! This is what I expected to happen.

This is what I expected to happen. I knew you'd all gang up on me. You're just such a pussy. This is what I expected to happen. I knew you'd all gang up on me. But it was worth it. You're just such a pussy. These guys have an on switch like I've never seen before. Can I tell you something? 30 years, this past Thursday,

at Second City, I celebrated my 30th anniversary being a comedian. Is that true? Congratulations. I have improvised on this stage with Robin Williams, and I would put you into a category with him in terms of the on switch. Oh, I wrote that. You're able to turn it on.

I wrote this entire project. We save it. Backstage, I was being quiet. You think Sting is jerking off before he has tantric for 15 hours? You save it up. Then you let the fields of gold out, baby. Yeah! It's a beautiful golden pool.

Please don't applaud. That might help you to last longer if you jerk off before you're at tantric sex. So I've been doing it 30 years. I'm very comfortable. I'm rarely nervous. And all I'm saying to you is I have never seen two fuckers able to just turn it on.

Like, you literally walked out here, and boom-diggity, it was on. I have to sort of groove into it, and you fuckers are, like, off to the races. Basically, if this is a horse race, I haven't even left the thing with the gates. You don't even know what that thing is. You're in the race. You're definitely in the race, Jeff. What's that? You're in the gates. You don't even know what that thing is. You're in the race. You're definitely in the race, Jeff. You're in the race. You're in the race for talking about this for as long as we've been talking about it.

It has nothing to do with movies. It's time to play a game. Let's see the name tags. We got name tags in the audience. Everybody go and select who you would like to play for. Ed wrote his name on a manila folder. Leave your mic at the seat.

You don't need to take it with you. Please listen to my podcast. Oh, no, here he goes. There's a point where I say, why would you like to plug? Oh, I know. Right now you can pick a name tag. Do what we're supposed to be doing right now. It's empty.

It's what? Empty. Please, please, more off-microphone activity. Just pick a name tag. we're supposed to be doing right now? It's empty. It's what? Empty. Candy. Candy. Please, please, more off-microphone activity. Just pick a name tag. Do you like Frasier? It's the opposite side of us. Where are you?

What's he doing? TJ just left with somebody's sign. Was it money? Was it something? Oh, you just needed water? Yeah. Oh, okay. We're talking so much.

All right. It's all for all of you. Let's go down the line. What's happening? Oh, my God. You guys got weird ones. No, I got my favorite movie. Then my favorite movie of all time that you don't like.

Yeah, I don't care for much either. There will be blood. It's only the best film there's ever been. I got this. Oh of all time that you don't like. I don't care for it much either. There Will Be Blood. It's only the best film there's ever been. But I got this. Oh, I like that. It says Fraser. Yeah, it's Brendan Fraser.

Fraser. And that's your last name. You've been on before and I said it wrong before. I don't know why it says that. I've said that wrong before. I like her. She can't help but yell out Fraser.

It's actually Fraser. Really? Adam Carolla said that women aren't funny? It's actually my first name so I know it's Fraser. Yes, he did. It's actually Fraser. Really? Adam Carolla said that women aren't funny? It's actually my first name, so I know it's Fraser. Yes, he did. It's really, it's Frazier. You know who else he thinks is funny?

Now I know how Whoopi Goldberg feels. That's what I heard. I don't know what I heard. I'm just trying to throw the commercial over here. What if it was for a different reason than that? What if you knew how Whoopi Goldberg felt just for some other reason? Think about that, everybody. I don't need that. Mr. that, everybody. I don't either.

Mr. Trevor, this was not last minute. Hey, could you all describe your name tags at the same time? That's what I'm looking for right now. So, Mr. Trevor... This is my son. He's the best part of each. The body says this is not last minute, but it looks very last minute.

Ladies and gentlemen, if I say I'm an oil man, you will agree. See, now Jeff gets a point because he didn't do what I asked him to do and the other two did Don't be thick in front of me The most difficult guest

The most difficult guest Brendan Fraser With Adam Carolla as a shit blot on the back That's what it says on the back You're not supposed to spill the beans Well now we can't have fun Oh that's to the show Everybody at home just turn off your radio podcast Why don't you fucking explain your games You're not supposed to spill the beans. Well, now we can't have fun for the rest of the show.

I didn't know that was part of the game. Everybody at home, just turn off your radio podcast. Why didn't you fucking explain your games before I played them? He didn't know that part of it. Every time he's on, he doesn't know about that part. Jeff, you're a charlatan. I have no idea. What is that part? At the very end, if you lose,

Give me the bloody life. Fraser is going to get to name somebody that I will call a shithead and to expedite matters. They ride it on the back. But you'll do that. What's that? You'll say that. My guy wrote Jenny McCarthy. Say it now on its own.

My guy wrote Jenny McCarthy. Really? Like that's a target? I'm not doing mine. Mine will be a surprise. You're going to lose. Mine says Eli. Did he really say that? Get them liquored up and take them

to the peach tree dance. I said get them liquored up and take them to the peach tree. Oh, I'm going to kill you. But first to swim. If I was listening I'd be, this podcast is my jam.

Oh, man. Do you listen to your own podcast? Pete is always watching himself. You could do that. You could say that. Do you listen to your own podcast? No, I don't. What's the name of the person you're playing for, TJ?

Mr. Trevor, which is a fake name for someone named Trevor. And he wrote, this was last minute. And then in pencil, he used marker on the front. And then in pencil, he wrote, shithead Jenny McCarthy. It's like, what could be worse? Then in the very corner, he just made a charcoal drawing of what he thinks the concept of a podcast looks like. I mean, it's going further and further back in time in terms of what he's using to write.

He's taking the lead. And it's becoming more and more apparent it was last minute. But I don't want to win. You don't know. I want to come in last place tonight. Well, you're in last place. Here's the thing. Why am I being compared to the two of them?

Listen, Jeff, you came in here and you judged Pete a little bit. Just a teensy-tinesy. You looked down those very expensive glasses down your nose. I think that you both are really funny. I've proved it by laughing. I have. It has been decreed with my guffaw. I don't talk that way.

But I will say, I've been on this show numerous times, and they're mighty annoying. I would not want to be on the show with them again. I'd like to watch a show with them. But here's the thing. People love it, though. No, let them enjoy. People write to me and say,

you should have those guys on more because they think it's... No, I think they're funny and great. No, I'm talking about all of you now. Oh, me too? I'm saying that people write to me and say, you should try to have them all on. Yeah, but now they're going to learn that they're not going to request me anymore. You'll learn. You hear that, public?

You'll learn to cross garland. I'm helping. I want to hear you say it. I can't get enough of that. I swear to God, I can't. Don't have your dog flap your hands. Use your voice. Doctor says he needs plentiful fresh air.

And goose milk. Alright, go do your game shit. That's earthquake oil. Touchdown, Garland. This is fun, guys. I like all religions. You guys are neck and neck. I'm not. I'm in last place.

This is fun. I want to say that. I'm having a really good time. I think this is a lot of fun. I really do. I think this is a lot of fun. I'm having a really good time. I think this is a lot of fun. I really do. I'm really happy. This is a seminal moment in my career, Jeff Garlin. I want you to know that.

This moment, being on this podcast with you and with Doug and also Pete is here. Just kidding. Being on it with the three of you is a seminal moment in my career. I just wanted to tell you that.

I promised a dying child I would not cut the game short on this episode. Well, that kid's gonna die. There's ain't no stopping this train. It's unstoppable, motherfucker. By the way, you were very good in that train movie.

Thank you so much. You know, I call it the train movie. That's what I call it because I can't remember the name. Well, you don't know what your phone is. No, I don't. I just got it today. What hell of a goddamn show.

These are really good references that apply to the conversation. Okay, go ahead. Play your game. I liked your film so many chews. Did you have to add that? You were in a train film. No, but I did. I liked it. Thank you, my friend.

Yeah, I'm turning this train around to Positivity Town. I'm going to get on the USS Friendship, which is docked at Positivity. We have to shed that. The cops found the planes. I just might give the prize tonight

to whoever wins the most difficult contest. I didn't even finish that. Go ahead. Do your thing, man. The cops traced our planes on the Friendship. You're kidding, right? We have to get rid of it.

You really think you're going to all sit there and let me do my thing? Yes, go do it. Okay, Jeff said to go do it, so I'm going to do it right now. Let him do it. You'll be my competitor. No more, no more. We're pushing him. We're pushing Doug to his point. That was the best moment. He was like, stop, stop.

Go on, go on. It was funny, but let him do his game. Okay, do your game. Go on, go on. It was funny, but let him do his game thing. Okay, do your game thing. Let him do his game thing. Flap your hands. Like an uncle who could care less. I am an uncle who could care less. Okay.

But do your game thing. People, the dying kid. Come on. One more? I'm finished. Okay, I'm finished. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead. It's the last line of the movie. Yeah. When people said they thought Pete would win, I was skeptical. Go ahead. Go ahead. It's the last line of the movie. When people said they thought Pete would win, I was skeptical. I really thought... I thought he'd do like backstage and wall-throw it up a little bit.

No, Doug, he's really going for it now. Because now that he knows it's a competition, he's going to win. I don't think he was doing all that. By making a competition, you drew this out of him, Doug. Doug, you created this. I would have thought you'd thought.

You created all of this. I didn't create it as much as I have allowed it to continue to happen. That's true. That takes them. You're a good host. You know why?

Because you don't get in the way. Really, no. Most hosts get in the way. Thanks for coming by, Back Handy. This one's going to be good. For the first, no, most hosts get in the way. Thanks for coming by, Back Handy. This one's going to be good. This one's going to be good. I got out of the way.

For the first, like, seven minutes, I got completely out of the way. I didn't even need to be here. They should book the three of you on Conan, and he and Andy can go on a trip. Oh! Dragging Andy into this. Get Pardo in there, too. That'd be fun. That's what we'll do next time.

We'll get Pardo as the fourth. If you get Pardo as the fourth, that's a big bowl of deer gut. Yeah. That's going to be great. I said replace me with Pardo. That's my opinion. No, I'm not going to replace you, Jeff.

But I'm not coming again. This is a championship for the ages. That's true. I'm not done. I'm not done with this shit. Have you seen Rock of Ages yet? Have I seen Rock of Ages yet? Is yet being the key word there?

Jeff? Have I ever seen the Rock of Ages? You saw those other three things. Yeah, but those aren't Rock of fucking Ages. Jeff, watch your step. Can I tell you something? Jeff?

I was a young man. Jeff. Tabitha? Tabitha? That's me. That's me, Tabitha, the pissed off guest. Is your gay character

or is it you just actually sounding gay? No, that's just how I sound. He was in Rock of Ages. No, Rock of Ages, the shittiest music of all time. I just told you. Did you just hear what he just said? Why do you want to see a movie, see Tom Cruise sing shitty music?

Where's the logic there? Oh, when it's failing at the box office. Shocker. But Jeff, he was very serious about it. That's what I heard. That's your first mistake. That's a fucking red. That's a fucking comedy.

I know. Why are you so serious about it? Oh, I watched a lot of tapes. What? Go out and pretend to be a rocker, you stupid. Jeff. I'm good. Jeff.

I'm going to have to ask you this, TJ. Tom Cruise is a good listener. I'm sorry. I was taking out my frustration with the panel. TJ Miller, can I tell you something? I need to tell you something. It's important for you to get off, Jeff. After what you said about Rocking Ages,

you're going to have to divorce. There's room on the crab your enthusiasm. Play your game. Iceberg lettuce. There's got to be a Titanic salad. We start with iceberg lettuce and cover it with dead people. Seriously, I'm hungry.

Too soon? No, no, no. I'm not fucking around. They're joking. I'm fucking hungry and I want to leave so you gotta play this game to end this podcast come on guys no I didn't eat any dinner

I was stuck up on you know yeah tired fuck up mountain and I didn't get to eat so let's just move it along come on it is beautiful up there

have you seen the view though have you been up to the look I have I have diabetes and my blood sugar's going down and I stopped becoming funny and I beat the shit out of other comedians. Is that true? Doug's the same way?

Doug is the same way. You looked at me when you said that. But I meant TJ. Go ahead. Go with your game. What's your Twitter handle? Jism. My Twitter thing is

Jay Garland. If you're a Tiger fan, Jism. No, it isn't. My Twitter thing is at Jay Garland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Write to him, not me. If you're a Tiger fan, write to me. Pete Holmes is at Pete Holmes with a Z. He's right. I'm Pete Holmes with a Z.

Is the show over? No. No, I just wanted to get Jeff's Twitter handle in because I didn't want the complaints coming to me. I thought we were plugging Twitter. By the way, here's what's beautiful about it. I don't even read the fuckers anymore. He doesn't read them, so don't do it then.

Send all you want. I don't give a shit. Go ahead, send them! And reply! No reply! When did I do a show where I was teamed up with Seinfeld? A few episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, but other than that... You were both on Curb?

Yeah, he was on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but other than that... What's that? You were both on Curb? Yeah, he was on Curb, yeah. There you go. Doesn't remember. Didn't you get to be a voice in the B movie? No, I did the tape, I swear to God. Because I always joke, like I go... All right, we're out of time. I'd like to thank my guests.

I do want to hear that story, though. No, I used to always joke when I was at some weird location that it was a table read for the Poseidon adventure happened there you know wherever I'm at anyhow I'll just say everybody a table read for the Poseidon adventure

people sitting at a table like this going we gotta go to the hole we'll be saved in the hole look out for that tree the poor guy gotta go to the hole! We'll be saved in the hole! Look out for that tree! The poor guy's being staged. I was playing Shelly Winter's part, just make swimming sounds. No, um... A loud crash as water rushes in.

No, you're gonna have to sit down and play the game. I'm not kidding around, we're out of time. No, okay, good, I'll see you later. I just have to designate a winner. No, Jeff, don't leave. Jeff. No, Jeff, don't leave. Jeff, don't leave.

Jeff, don't leave. Jeff, don't leave. Jeff, don't leave. Jeff, we live at home. It's firmly established I'm hungry. Yeah. Jeff, let's play a game. Let's play a quick game.

I don't see you. I'm not being paid. What the fuck am I here for? Quickest game. For the love of friendship, Jeff. Sit down. He's right. For the love of the USS friendship.

That's right. Hey, it's just like Rock of Ages. Do it for Fraser. It ain't nothing but a good time. Sit on down. Do it for Fraser. It ain't nothing but a good time. Sit on down. Do it for Fraser, Jeff Smith. Can I tell you something? If that was the moniker

of Rock of Ages, I'd go see it. That is the moniker of Rock of Ages. Is it really? It says it ain't nothing but a good time? Yes, yes.

Now I'm going to see it. Yeah! Because you know what? We want out of Jake many times. It ain't nothing but a good time. And you know what? I am going to see it

and I'm going to enjoy it no matter what, especially Tom Cruise's performance. I've decided that ahead of time and I'm going to enjoy it no matter what, especially Tom Cruise's performance. I've decided that ahead of time. I'm committed to enjoy it. What's the game? It's who can enjoy Rock of Ages the most. Do we come back and report to you,

or do we pretend like we've seen it? Oh, I would love to put this off to another time. If I was coming back, that would be fabulous. I'm not coming back, though. What's the game that you're talking did you win before Fraser we ran out of time and I gave you the prizes no let her get all the prizes I don't give a shit I like her game if Brendan Frazier I'm to teach you guys

a game in one minute. Let's all agree to be quiet. Ready? On three. Let's agree to be quiet. One, two, three. First person to name a musical. Cats.

Rock of Ages. He's the dog winner. No, come on. No, I said Rock of Ages. I don't know. I was just talking about Rock of Ages. Brady!

That's better than you. That's been made into a movie. That's been made into a movie. You're out. No, no. Wait a second. That's made into a movie. That's been made into a movie. You're out. No, no. Wait a second. That's not been a movie. Cats? That's what I was joking around with.

It's not Doug Loves Plays. This is my business partner. But I wasn't clear. I said musical. I'd be a guest on Doug Loves Plays. I wouldn't be on that show talking about Barefoot on Park. That was a movie though. Yeah.

Also so. But I just think it'll be really fun when people go to load this episode it'll say Jeff Garland T.J. Miller and Pete Holmes

that's the order I think of you in. And then I drink your milk. I drink it up. I'm glad you saved that one for so long. Yeah, that was the one everyone's tired of. If you have a milkshake,

and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw that reaches all the way over, I drink your milkshake. I drink it up. Speaking of... Yeah, I'm sorry. That was a huge oneitz, how have I

never met you before? I don't know, we're friendships and we run in similar circles. You're really funny.

I was just in Chicago with you and we got to do my podcast. You guys want Jeff Garland to make it weird?

That would be great, right? Who is this? Who is Pete playing for? Here you go. You win. I only picked pop posters.

Wasn't that girl on the backstage? And she had a tampon on there and it said period peace. But Pete was too busy. She had her own bib. Oh no! What's happening? I should have just had Sam run in here and run you guys through a game.

I should have made you do that. I was worried that Garland wasn't going to show up again. And so whenever you book it, it was traffic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was traffic. But thanks, Sam. Jeff, you're free to go. Thank you so much.

Jeff Garland, everybody. Jeff Garland! Bye, Sam. Jeff, you're free to go. Thank you so much. Jeff Garland, everybody. Jeff Garland! Bye, buddy. This is going to be the most suspense-free conclusion. Thanks to you guys revealing the names. Thank you for having us. But yeah, let's hear it for TJ Miller and Pete Holmes. I think of them in that order.

No, TJ Miller, listen to Couching In with TJ Miller on the Nerdist Network if you want to. But she doesn't get when she won. Don't listen to it. You're wasting your time. I'm explaining to Pete who won. This is crazy. Yeah, but these were ruined. She said the guy at the Grove that didn't pick up his dog shit is a shithead.

And I think that's great because you and I have that story about seeing a dog. Is this really happening? Doug, quickly. Doug, listen to me. Doug, was this what you believed it would be? Doug, can you picture today how close was it to what you thought it would be like? I knew this would happen. You saw it all. You're clear. Yeah, yeah.

I thought I could get through the whole thing without speaking at all. But about seven minutes into it, Jeff finally had to make me speak just to get you guys to stop. I understand. I feel like friendships were warm. We're all standing. He loves you guys.

He loves you guys. Because we're his mirror. It was such a bizarre... He's in the car right now going, why did I say I had a flat? That was such a stupid excuse. It was like a badminton game of weird... It was weird.

It was a weird experience. I was excited. Thanks for being a part of it. That was such a stupid excuse. It was like a badminton game of weird. It was weird. It was a weird experience. I was excited. Thanks for being a part of it. I was excited briefly because we were going to end practically right on time. And that would be so funny to see your names on the listing and then exactly 45 minutes. Because we always go a little over. But, you know, when you guys are on, we go a lot over usually. Right.

Like we are right now. Yeah. And that would have been really cute. Maybe we'll just put that on there anyway. Yeah, do it anyway. I'll just put 38 minutes on there. And about 30 minutes in, people are going to be freaking out. Really?

Are they really going to? Can you do a Jeff Garlin impersonation, Pete? I'm not coming back. I'm not going to come back. I'm rich. I'm fuck you. I can't do it. I'm not coming back. This girl started heckling me I can't do it. I'm not coming back. It was a noble try.

I tried. This girl started heckling me in the middle of it. I just found out. So you told that this was the most frustrating guest show ever. Most difficult. Most difficult guests. That's bullshit that I'm not here. The people who listen to this show fucking hate me.

That's bullshit. They tweet me all the time They're like You are like cancer To TJ Holmes plague I didn't understand that last part at all I just didn't understand any of the last part People who write that stuff on Twitter They don't make sense

It's a fair point But seriously Sam Have you ever been on the show And we did not complete a single game? Didn't even start a game? These guys are more difficult. Get the fuck out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Levine,

Pete Holmes, and Doug Benson. Oh, wait, do I have any plugs? Oh, I just added, you've been doing them through the whole show. I heard you slipping them in. Do them as the guy from There Will Be Blood after I say mine. Waiting Room Lounge Omaha, Nebraska, Thursday, August

something. When's this come out? Friday. I'll be in Denver. That's true. Yeah! Yeah, Denver! And you made it where it podcast. I'm recording my CD for Comedy Central, The Mashup Audiophiles, in San Francisco at the end of June. And you made a weird podcast. I'm recording my CD for Comedy Central, the mashup audio files, in San Francisco at the end of June.

So everybody in San Francisco is going to hear it. It's at the Punchline, y'all. Get with it. Punchline. So come and visit me. Punchlinecomedy.com. Thank you, Doug. Thanks to Pete and TJ.

You did it in the wrong order. Thanks for having us. I changed. That's how quickly I change on you guys. I can't do Jeff Garlin. I won't be able to sleep at all tonight,

but that's because of the math. He got really mad. He got really mad. Like, I don't act like these guys. I can do it. Yeah, he did. Yeah! I just picture Larry David

chasing him with a huge feather. There's the laugh to end the show. Yeah, Denver! As always. As always. Adam Carolla is a shithead. And Jenny McCarthy is a shithead.