Doug Loves Movies - Joey "Coco" Diaz, Matt Bearden, and Trey Galyon Guest

Episode Date: May 17, 2014

Live from Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, TX, Doug welcomes comedians Joey "Coco" Diaz, Matt Bearden, and Trey Galyon to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, too, and baby sticky seeds. With 50 azepop or kernels in his teeth, there's still not more that he won't say, cause Doug loves movies! Hey everybody! My name is Doug and I love movies! I love movies! That was one of the more aggressive ones that I've heard.

Coming to you once again from the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin, Texas on Saturday, May 17th, 2014. Wolf of Wall Street fight Terminator 2 Judgment Day of the Dead Man Walking Tall. The President's men in blackfisher. King Ralph a dog. Day after noon. Delight sleep perfect. Murder by death wish three.

At 420! I am high as fuck and remember that whole stupid Build-A-Title. Let me see your name tags, Austin. I know you brought some. You're always good with the name tags here. It's amazing. The ones in the front row are blocking me from... Gabezilla's

here. Have you seen the new Godzilla, Gabezilla? Of course. Why would I have... blah, blah, blah. No, I haven't. You haven't. Okay. The power of Christ compels you to pick me.

Reagan, your name is the same name as the little girl in The Exorcist? Well, I'd pick that name tag for sure. Instead of Booty Call, Booty Colin. That's very clever. Catch me if you Candria.

Alright, you guys did an awesome job. There's Kevincible over there. That's a good one. What? That's a good one. What? That's what I thought. Kill Bart, Mad Max. Alright, you guys. Put them down. We'll save that for later.

When the guests come out here, they're going to have plenty of nice choices to choose from. Since last I spoke, you listened. We did a very fun Death Squad Douglas movies in Las Vegas that might become another lost episode. Yeah, it's

been two days and the dude who recorded the sound has not sent it to us. He's not asking, he's not making any demands. But that's usually the sign that the person, you know, we just have to hire people to record the show.

We just have to hope they can do a good job and see what happens. So it ends up in some situations with lost episodes. And in this case, that's the number one sign it's going to be a lost episode is when it takes a few days for them to send it. Because emails, you could just zap it right over. And it's always like because they're trying to fix it because the sound is so shitty. That's usually what's happening.

I don't know what's happening here. Stay tuned. This episode will probably not be a lost episode so they will play out of order if that one does show up. Like I said, I don't know what's going to happen. Apologies to my guests on that show. Brian Redman, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Sarah Tiana.

It was a drunken, glorious good time. Austin, that's you guys. We've, uh, yeah. There are still a few tickets for anybody that wants to be a creep and sit by themselves

for the Benson movie interruption of Showgirls tomorrow at the Alamo Drafthouse Ritz at the very appropriate time of 1.40pm. It's the perfect time to come out and watch stripper hook ladies, whatever they are. Dancers.

Are they human or are they dancer? It's going to be full boob Sunday over at the Alamo Ritz. So there's a few seats left and also as I always advise people with Alamo shows you know, if it's the last minute and there's a couple handicapped seats open you can go ahead and buy those online

because they just go empty because no one wants to buy them because they're for handicapped. They just put a chair in there for you where normally a wheelchair would go. Not the most comfortable chair you're ever going to sit in. But it makes you empathize for a few hours. Oh, shit. I'm going to crack myself up a lot today

I can feel it Houston, Texas The best movie on our show And we'll be taking on The Last Boy Scout This Monday, May 19th And Seattle, Washington Friday, May 23rd

The Super Tournament of Championships Number two At the Neptune Theater Three of the best Leonard Maltin game players going head to head to head. Because there's three of them. But let's get to today's throwdown. The prize bag includes...

There's no marijuana in here, sir. But there is a nice little oney pipe that's contributed by one of the guests. And I'm glad that this stool is contoured so it won't roll off. That worked out perfectly. And then one of these beauties, a Getting Doug with High mug. It's going to go to somebody. And a copy of Gateway Doug. And then there's another CD in here.

And there's a copy of The Rules. And a fun hat. Really fun hat. A shirt from a place called The Apothecarium that they gave me. It's a nice shirt. All of that that plus one other thing I think that one of the other guests is going to contribute is going to be won by somebody today and the people that you're gonna be hoping to

attract with your name tags they're coming to the stage right now are as Please welcome Trey Gallion, Matt Bearden, and Joey Coco Diaz. . Hey, Doug. Hey, that opening made me feel like I was on the dating game or something. Question number one. Hey, bachelor number two. But yeah, the first person to speak was Matt Bearden, everybody. Let's have him have his own private luxurious round of applause.

Folks who live around here and also maybe people listening on the internet know him from the Dudley and Bob show. I don't think so, but maybe some do. Yeah, you have fans. You kidding me? And you're going to have more fans after today because you brought this for the gift bag. I may have gone to the 290 flea market here in the city

and I may have asked a guy to airbrush a hat that says I love tacos with a giant fucking crispy taco on it, motherfuckers. I thought that should have gotten way more applause than it did. I thought that should have gotten way more applause than it did. And are you using this as a platform to announce your new podcast, I Heart Tacos? Yes, I am. It's just me every day eating tacos and getting fatter. You could probably eat tacos every day for every meal here in Austin

and not have to go to the same place twice. Who doesn't have a breakfast taco? I don't want to give away the secret, but there is a place in town called Tyson's Tacos. Has anyone been to Tyson's Tacos? It's on airport and it's fucking incredible. And I have now been there maybe seven or eight times this week alone. I'm not kidding.

I'm just, it's near the house and I keep going and it's BYOB. And I don't get why there's not, I shouldn't say anything because it's one block away from the Tamale house. It just closed down. And I don't want a bunch of you fucking hipsters fucking up the line every Saturday and Sunday. And I know you're going to be there, but god damn it's so good. Alright, at the end of that, they don't pay me and they don't give me anything for free, so fuck them. That's it.

You're mad at the hipsters? You're mad at the tacos? He's old school Austin, man. There used to not be lines anywhere around here. Now they're everywhere. No, just sometimes the lines get messed up at the tacorias. They're in town at lines get messed up At the taquerias That are in town

At the wrong hours At the specific ones That you like I'm going for lunch And for everybody else They think that's breakfast time Why don't you take this up With the city council

Why don't you do what I do You pull up to the line You beep And you call them all A bunch of fucks And you keep going Have you seen the difference between me and you? I do it all the time

I do it all the time What's that breakfast place on Sunset Where all those fucking morons stand in line For fucking eggs, okay? Fucking eggs Fucking eggs And they stand there like fucking idiots with sandals on All afternoon

And down the place is like a fucking bagel place that's tremendous and the poor arab guy stands there all day by himself you understand but the whole fucking town is in front i pull up and i go how much of a retard can you be to stand on what can you do with a fucking egg i'm sorry i get emotional about lines I don't fucking like lines I don't stand on lines I'll call a fucking bomb threat Before I fucking stand on a line

I ain't fucking around You're an actual man I have a Subaru Forester With babies in the back What the fuck am I gonna I got a fucking Impreza with a baby seat in the back Fuck I'm a Subaru typempreza with a baby seat in the back. Fuck. Four wheel drive.

I'm a Subaru type of motherfucker. But you got to tell people sometimes get a fucking life. You're going to stand on a fucking line for two hours for eggs. And there's a bagel place down the block. That's what I understand, guys. If it was the only egg place in fucking Hollywood, I'd understand. But there's an egg place right down the fucking block. But even if Bearden went up to him with the same enthusiasm

you're talking with, like, I'm getting the fuck out of your way. No, him, I'm like laughing at him. I'm going to end up on World Star. It is hysterical because I do with people in the car. So they're in the passenger side. I pull up, lower the window and go, go home, you fucks.

And they'll look at my friends like, what are you doing to me? I'll beat the heart out of them. Tell them vote for me and I just take off. That's Joey Diaz everybody. I'm scared too. But This guy's actually been in some movies, you guys.

Yeah. Longest Yard, Grudge Match, Basketball, Taxi. Big fucking deal. Just to name a few. Dude, Basketball's awesome. Analyze that.

Dude, basketball is awesome. Analyze that. Don't mention Taxi. What? I did mention Taxi, but now that you said don't mention Taxi, we've really ruined your request. We've mentioned it a lot. What did you do in Taxi?

I was Queen Latifah's boss. That's right. That was it. I had one fucking scene. Yeah, yeah. You didn't say that with much pride. It was early on, early in the movie. I did like four movies in a row that credits rolled by me in the beginning. It's like, Joe, you made the

movie, but it's alright, it's the first scene, so you know the credits are going to be rolling by you, but fuck it, I did the movie, but it's alright, it's the first scene, so you know the credit's gonna be rolling by you, but fuck it, I did the movie, and I got my insurance, you know? Yeah. That's the only reason why I do movies. I thought that character would show up again for some reason. It seemed kind of important that, uh, you know, she has to get revenge or

whatever. I thought they were gonna do Taxi 2, but then fucking, what's his name, got the show on NBC, and I was fucked. Oh, that's what held back the taxi The taxi franchise I had no idea I got a call that said they were doing Taxi 2 And next thing you know he's on fucking Channel 4

That's very nice of them to make that call Yeah I'd be surprised by that call I know me too You get a lot of shitty fucking calls And you just okay whatever Call me when it's ready I'll be there Yeah you were there for Analyze That I know, me too. You got a lot of shitty fucking calls and you just, okay, whatever. Call me when it's ready, I'll be there.

Yeah, you were there for Analyze. That was a sequel. Yep, that was in the beginning too. I got shot in the fucking beginning. First scene of the fucking movie, if you blink. But you got your insurance. But I got my motherfucking insurance and that's all that counts. I got level one SAG insurance. I go to acupuncture

every Tuesday. That's the benefit. With that very important point, everybody, is Trey Gallion is here. Oh, shit. Hey, guys. What's happening? Hi, Trey. Good to be back. And he brought a copy of his comedy CD

The Moronic. Yeah, it came out on Tuesday. Oh, The Moronic. Yeah, it came out on Tuesday. Oh, wow. Fresh. Yeah. Smell it. Oh, that's good. Yeah, right.

I think it only smells good because it was in that car with us out in the parking lot. Perhaps. We fucking bonged it up. Never hit a bong before in a car till today. I think I might do it again sometime. Yeah, I do stuff like that that's not even on my bucket list because I wouldn't even think to think that could happen. Like, that's not something I should wish for.

Right, you never write that down. Yeah, that's some real bucket list shit. But then somebody comes up and offers and you're like, well, yeah, I never thought of that. Okay. Worked out pretty good. Now, Trey is formerly of Austinin now living in new york city and you're back you've been doing shows at here at cap city yeah with joey with joey and uh as it is good to be back oh yeah it's always good to be back i mean

the town changes a little more every time but some of it's for the best. Yeah, they're refurbishing this mall. This mall looks a little different. I know, right? It looks way better out front. Way better? Way better. Dude, this was turning into like the crack mall with the labor force in the corner and stuff. It's still there. It just looks nicer. Oh, it is? I thought it was a Zumba place

now. Is that just at night and it's still day labor during the day? I don't know. Very fit day laborers at the Zumba place. I miss when they had Dracula restaurants. Dude, that was the best. And it was actually good food. It was good? Yeah, yeah.

Like if you did goulash or something, they got that covered. I never ate in there. I just made jokes about that it existed. No, well, I mean, if a place called Dracula opens and you live here, that's like, of course, you're going to go over there and try it at some point. Those are my go-tos with Dracula and also I'd climb on this jungle gym on the stage. I'd climb up at

every show that I used to do here because it's weird that there's a jungle gym on the stage. It's the saddest jungle gym. Nobody plays on it. Well, now they like camo painted it to try to make it look like it's not even there, but it's totally there. Yeah, it casts some interesting shadows, I guess.

It's a good look. Have you guys been to the movies? Let's talk about some movies. Let's start with Joey. Have you seen anything lately in any format? Nothing. You just don't have the patience for it? I don't have the fucking time Yeah I wish I did

I watched a couple minutes of Killing Me Softly this morning It killed me softly so I switched it And that's it I mean I haven't watched You know, fucking Wolf of Wall Street Yeah, that was December The new shit I haven't watched You like Wolf of Wall Street though? I that was December. The new shit I haven't watched. You like Wolf of Wall Street, though?

I enjoyed it. Yeah, it's fun. Anytime where you snort coke like a woman's pussy, it's my type of fucking movie, you understand? I went to see it at the Lemley, and the first line he snorted off her asshole, I saw a bunch of Gentiles run out of there, like, fucking

up by Lancashire there. They just ran out, those Gentiles. And I'm like up by lancashire they just ran out those gentiles like and i'm like where are you going you're never ready to you never snorted coke up somebody's they were probably running to go do it you know what i'm saying i was like i hope i got a number for you you know you're in texas you're gonna have to explain what gentiles is to them the people with sandals i guess i don't know people with flipals, I guess. I don't fucking know. People with flip-flops on and a fucking Sinatra hat or some shit. People who visit sandals.

With no cream on their feet. But now that you mention it, Wolf of Wall Street is like, you know, comedians have figured out how to do pretty much the same thing but not go to jail because we're not stealing from anyone. Right?

I guess. Right? I guess. I am waiting for somebody to come up and say, hey, you want to smoke some pot out of this girl's ass? Then that would be... Oh, that was... See, now I should put that on my list.

Ah? You're welcome. I'm trying to get that to happen. I watched 12 Years a Slave on a flight. Not bad. The flight or the movie? The movie was tremendous. I was

upset the first half hour. I'm like, why am I watching this shit? And then it turned into fucking something powerful. I don't like those type of movies, you know, so I became something powerful. I watched my own movie, Grudge Match, on a plane and I almost jumped the fuck off the fucking plane. Did you watch it with

all the language cleaned up, like they put in stupid words instead of shit and stuff? I went and did the ADR and then they called me right back and they go, you gotta do it again because we're gonna sell it to the planes or some shit like that. Yeah, the plane version. And a lot of're going to sell it to the planes or some shit like that. Yeah, yeah. The plane version.

And a lot of plane versions of movies are just the flat out regular version of the movie, like R-rated stuff. But Grudge Match, every time it's like, you know, I don't give a crap, you know. It's so. They wouldn't leave in a little bit of it. But you know what I mean? Like, it's just always like just jumps out at you. And it's always words that are like, they're not, there's not even fuck bombs bit of it. But you know what I mean. Like, it's just always, like, just jumps out at you. And it's always words that are, like,

they're not, there's not even fuck bombs in the movie. It's just, it's just the word shit they change every time. What are you gonna fucking do? What are you gonna do,

Joey Diaz? They change it around. It's like watching Scarface on TBS. You know? You sit there and you start saying the fucks for them.

You know, you're like, fuck, fuck, fuck. You sit there, and you start saying the fucks for them. You're like, fuck, fuck, fuck. It's like a game of movie Mad Libs. But yeah, it was Trey that brought this little oney pipe dealy for the prize bag. Right, because let me explain. That's my favorite oney of all time, and the only places I've been able to find them are here

and then a little head shop in Ocean Beach, California. And so when i come into town i always stock up on them so i was like i'll throw one in there so that's the story behind that there you go and joey's got somewhere around here he's got a shirt that we can uh i got one right over here oh here let's toss it in the bag yes what's the shirt say on it the church Churchill. What's happening now with a pussy, a cross, and a set of balls on it. It's at the end of the fucking week. You know what I'm saying? Wear that to the PTA meeting. That'll get you

into anywhere. At the hotel as I was leaving, I asked for a cab and this little fucking bellman came up to me all fucked up. Like he got hit in the head with a safe or something. And he's like, excuse me, sir. Sir, what does your shirt mean and I looked at him I go death and he just looked at me and walked away what's it say you fuck there's a pussy a set of balls and a cross what does it say I'm ready to have a fucking good time that's what it says. You're fucked. Now get it together.

I don't think he's allowed to say fuck that many times with a cross on his shirt. We're going to have to bleep this show quite a bit. Oh, you bleep these? No, we don't do that. Got me scared there for a minute. But that's what they should do in the airline thing is just bleep the words because everybody knows what the word was and when they throw in another word that's a different word, like, you know, you goddamn chicken scratcher. You know, it's off-putting, and it's against the intent of the author and the actor and everybody.

The worst is when they guessed a non-actor. Like, let's say it's Ray Liotta. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no Like, let's say it's Ray Liotta. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't say it right. What I'm saying is, sometimes Ray Liotta does, like, I just watched a movie with Jessica Beale. The one with the fucking, she's a stripper, and he's her father.

He comes out of jail. Not the best Academy Award winner movie. But it's not bad. It's shot right on Sunset. What's the name of it? I don't know. What's it called? What it counter blue how hot was jessica beal as a stripper oh my god oh when she was melting wax on her titties and i almost jumped out the window you understand

me uh patrick squazy plays the strip club owner with a wig. But the movie never got released because they ran out of Gitas. It was like a $100 a day movie. I looked into it, right? Yeah, because you see those movies and you go, what the fuck happened to it? How did this movie fucking not make it? Jessica Biel is stripping in the movie. She's spinning around the thing. I'm not a strip club guy, but that's fucking Jessica Biel.

So she's spinning around. So I just wondered what happened. But when you watched him, it was on TV in Chicago. And what they do is they use not, like he didn't show up to ADR, which is where you put your voice and instead of saying shit, you say crap. So they have a different person

come up, like somebody you've never heard before to sound like him. You guys never watched a fucking movie? And that happens? Okay, that's what I'm fucking saying. I'm not insulting Ray Liotta, you fuck. Thank God Ray Liotta's here. They are really bad sometimes. Somebody be talking and be like,

get the cheese out of here. Yeah. Yeah, there's a couple famous ones people always reference. I can't remember any of them because I'm super high right now. Sorry, never mind. No, it saves us all a lot of time. Well done.

Why go on and on about it? Let's just say we just don't remember anything else there is to say. Somebody help me out. There are two. What's happening right now? See, they're yelling him out. There are... Find a stranger in the Alps. What's happening right now? See, they're yelling him out. Find a stranger in the Alps?

You guys, this is what you do. You say the movie it's from and then yell out the famous line. Mr. Falcon. There you go. Yeah. The Big Lebowski. This is what happens

when you find a stranger in the Alps. This guy is just yelling all these... This guy is just yelling. This guy is just going crazy. Should we give him a mic so we can actually get it on the podcast? No, I don't want to give him a microphone. Are you kidding me? He already sounds like he swallowed one. Oh, I'll wrestle with him. I have no idea what triggered all of that.

I have no idea what triggered all of that. Joey doesn't know. My bad. This is pretty fun. I'm excited. But I wanted to make sure. Did I ask you guys about movies you've seen? Did you say something, Trey?

I saw Captain America recently. That's the most recent one winter soldier yeah i dug it i dug the shit out of it okay i thought it was better than the first one plus it was also like i was yeah we got a year back there it was um plus that was like the first dude movie i'd seen after i dated this girl for a while and she was not about seeing any movie I wanted to see so I had to see like three girly movies in a row and it was killing me and Then finally went to Captain America, so it was even more like Can you name two of the three girly movies yeah, and you guys are gonna hate me man, but it was Why would they hate you? Because...

Terrible movies. It was Spike Jonze, the, uh, her, what was the name of it? Her. Right, and it was like, I mean, 20 minutes in... That's a girly movie?

It was like, I get it, but what else? Yeah, it was totally a girly movie, I thought. I thought it was about watching a guy masturbate. Nobody got beat up or anything.

No. It was about watching him play video games. Yeah, not even masturbating. Like, the masturbating scene, it was black. And it was just the noises. And then it was just him playing video games. All of my masturbating scenes are just black and noises. You ain't got no imagination, dude?

That is my imagination. Okay, what were the other two girly movies? Oh, well, I said that, and see, you're going to get on me for that, because I actually liked The Grand Budapest Hotel. That's a girly movie? No, and see, that's what I said.

I put it in that, because I wanted to go see something else, and she made me go see that instead, which was like, and that was her excuse, was like, you said you wanted to see that, and I was like, yeah, but we've seen like three of your movies already you made me go see that instead, which was like, and that was her excuse was like, you said you wanted to see that. And I was like, yeah, but we've seen like three of your movies already. You can't go see because she didn't want to go see the Muppet movie. And I was like, how the fuck can you

not want to go see the Muppet movie? Right? And this is what she says. She says because it's just the Muppets. It's not like there's any new Muppets. She's so wrong. She's so wrong. She's a keeper. She's so wrong. She's a keeper.

Have you seen it? No, and I still haven't seen it. Constantine is a brilliant new Muppet. Oh, really? He looks just like Kermit, but he's Russian. What? And he...

Yes. He becomes an imposter, pretends to be Kermit. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no spoilers. I am Kermit the Frog. Stop it. It's very funny.

The movie's okay, but that part of it's very funny. Stadler and Waldorf are two of my favorites. I love those dudes. They're great. They're old and they hate everything. They laugh at all their own jokes. Yeah, man. They invented LOL. Matt, did I get to ask you about a movie?

No, I always know you asked, so I tried to prep last night. Oh. By watching a little... Were you, like, forced in, squeezed in a movie? I thought I was going to watch a movie. I did one of those awkward... My wife and kids are out of town. My wife.

Is that still Constantine? Does anyone... My wife, Miss Piggy. Frank Oz is so pissed he didn't think of that. Frank Oz. You get on Netflix and you know you watched three or four minutes of a movie and you go, fuck this one. And then you watch three or four minutes of a movie and you go, ah, fuck this one. You gotta commit, man.

And I was really trying. I watched the first four minutes of Kill Bill 1, the first seven minutes of Kill Bill 2. I watched a couple of Jet Li movies. I watched so much shit last night. And then I ended up on something called Strongman, a documentary. Has anyone seen it? It's fucking good.

It's really good. And it's about a guy who wants to be a strongman, but it's a modern-day economy. He's not the best character. He has a brother. I'm just telling you. Have you seen the movie? No, but I love it.

He has a brother. Oh, it's so fucking good. Because his brother is upset that his strongman brother is getting all the attention. And so every time they show up to the house, the uncool brother is just outside fucking breaking cans and doing pull-ups. And there's a lot of aggression. And there's a lot of stuff you can read in between the lines there. And it was really good. Sounds kind of like Napoleon Dynamite it is just

sounds really like people it's good and then also and then recently I watched the I think the funniest movie I've ever seen in my entire life oh Larry's like comedies it's very the lead well it's it. I thought I went in with it. But if you haven't seen it yet, if you have seen it, please don't ruin it for anybody in the audience. But if you haven't seen it, Dear Zachary is hilarious. Don't ruin it for anybody else. I want them to go home and see it. Make sure you're maybe high or drunk before you see it.

It is so funny. And the ending is so redeeming. So redeeming. It will really make you feel better about life. Dear Zachary, don't forget it, please. Don't forget it. This feels like a trap. No. It's not a trap.

It's not a trap. Make sure you watch it alone or after a breakup. Bearden's totally into the documentaries and stuff. One time he tells a couple of us, hey, come over and watch this documentary with me. A really good documentary. We get over there and it was that documentary about the Romanian...

Children Underground. Yeah, the Romanian runaways. I didn't know that you were in that group that I fluffed up everyone's week. Oh man, we all laughed, just totally bummed out. Like, what the fuck, dude? What just happened? It's been my favorite troll for years

to invite people over at 2 30 in the morning when you leave the bars and be like come see this hilarious movie and then show somebody the most gut-wrenching depressing movie ever and then it's 4 in the morning go hey son's gonna be up soon go home dude I was sad for two days. Like, what? Ugh. Yeah, it fucked me up, dude. All right. That's the end of that. Dear Zachary. We're one minute behind schedule.

Solid. What's that? No, it's perfect. That's how I like it. We're doing great. But we're about to get behind schedule. So I have to say, let the games begin!

We're going to play some games, you guys. I know that Matt Bearden's been on the show before and is quite the sneaky cheater game player. Still don't know why I'm called a cheater for knowing things. Still haven't figured that out yet. What kind of research did you do for today? Did you go on IMDb and find out whose birthday it is?

The last two times I've been on, I've done nothing because your audience shamed me for loving the show and then going, well, I want to win and be competitive. So I've stopped. And guess what? The last time I did it, I was terrible. Fuck you.

You'll get what you deserve now. I won't know any of the answers. All right. Unless you read anything off of this card. Joey, how do you feel about what's about to happen? I'm fucking excited I love Joey Is this your first time doing this thing?

Yeah, I don't know It's going to be great Alright, so Everybody show us your name tags and each of the gentlemen on the stage everybody show us your name tags and each of the gentlemen on the stage pick somebody that you'd like to play for and go get that name tag

from that person. Oh, we gotta go out and grab it from them, actually. Glasses are being broken. It's like a pub brawl in here. Oh, he's the lady with the Goomy sign. That's obviously aimed at Joey, but he might not fall for it. It's up to Joey. He gets to pick.

But there'll be a shithead written on the back, Joey. Whatever speaks to you. Does anybody have anything? Oh, a hug. There you go. Just hugging everybody at that table. Oh, I think he scored something nice. I think Joey did.

I think Joey did all that. They know how to get your attention. Where is Trey? What is happening to Trey? Oh, I see a hoverboard from Back to the Future. Oh, are people sad they didn't get picked? It's no fun when people get sad. You guys knew when you came here There was odds There was slight I thought you had the food one

Yeah so what is that Joey What do you got down there We Alright Well that's a first Gotta be fucking creative, people You gotta show up with a fucking billboard Use your microphone voice

You gotta be fucking creative, people, alright This is American ingenuity They put a cookie in the bottom of the fucking poster I'm a fat dude, that's how you lure somebody Alright, this is like, what's that show on CSNBC Where they put the cookies out and the pervert walks down the street? Dear Zachary.

You understand? That's how they get those guys. It's a pervert walking down the street. He smells cookies. Next thing you know you've caught yourself a pervert. Are they weed cookies? Are they just plain cookies? You fucked up.

Dude, if anybody has donuts, I'll trade. I still love you though. I'm kidding, dude. Are they gluten-free? Are they gluten-free? No, there's a gluten-free donut in the car, though. All right. There's a gluten-free donut in the car.

Fucking melted by the time they get back. Who doesn't want a car-warmed gluten-free donut? Right? Do you have any plastic bottle vodka in there to go with it? That sounds wonderful. Mmm, top chef. I didn't bring it special for this. It's just been in there for a while is all.

That's what I meant. I have two lonely fries in the bottom of my pickup truck. They've been there for a while is all. That's what I meant. Yeah, I have two lonely fries in the bottom of my pickup truck. They've been there for a while. Matt, who are you playing for? I'm playing for Tadashi. Doug loves movies and Tadashi, I like this. It seemed creative. I thought it was nice branding for you

and I wanted something I could put my face in. You did a good job. You stopped me. I was going all the way to the back to get the kite thing. I'm going to give you a mention because I could see your kite in the back. But then there's another thing where it seemed really fucking far to go all the way back there. So I stopped halfway. Plus it's also, it's just a kite. Well, there's something on it. Like, is your name Kite? Super high.

It's what? Super high. Super high, Macy. See, I knew it was bullshit. Was that the thing closest to the door on your way out? out. I appreciate anybody that brings any odd thing down to the shows because it freaks out

the guys that work the front door at comedy clubs that everybody's walking in with all this nonsense. And some clubs don't allow food in, so there's always arguments about whether or not they can take it. It's a name tag. It's a name tag. It's a box of donuts, man.

It's got a name clearly on it. Yeah, exactly. Who are you playing for, Trey? Jason Avey. All right. I think I saw that one on Twitter. Oh, yeah? I picked this one. Metropocris, you were number one until I saw this one, and the reason I picked him is because we were talking about this movie the other day with some buddies.

Because nobody else likes Joey Lauren Adams or whatever. And I love her. I think she's awesome. And the fact that all of Kevin Smith's movies seem like high school plays. They have that kind of feel to them. You know what I mean? Right? I can't endorse that comment.

No. Oh, right? Yeah. Sorry, that was totally Trey Gallion, not endorsed by Doug Benson at all. If I'm not going to get one of his movies, yeah, that's fine. But don't. That'd be like a funny roast joke of Kevin Smith. Right, and that's one of my favorites, too,

is, so yeah, playing for Jason Ames. Yeah, it did start out with you complimenting him quite a bit. Then you took that weird turn. I guess you didn't say junior high school plays, so... Right, right. That would have been really insulting. Yeah, exactly. Why not community college?

Why not give it a little upgrade? Because I've never seen a community college play, so I don't have anything to base it on. I've starred in several of them. Had I known. Alright, so who are you playing for? Jason. This first game we're going to play

is called ABC Deez Nuts. It's a fun game because it's really not too difficult. And you can just stumble into a win. And here's how it works, Joey. We're going to spell something.

We're going to go down the line, take turns. When it's your turn, I'll tell you a letter, and you tell me a movie that starts with that letter. Any movie that begins with the same letter. And that's all you've got to do. But if you match the movie that I wrote down ahead of time, if we psychically match, then you automatically win. And today we're going to spell

showgirls because I'm interrupting it tomorrow afternoon at the Alamo Drafthouse Ritz here in Austin. Yeah. Single seats still available. Hashtag creep seats. So we'll start with Matt, and then we'll go to Trey, and then we'll go to you, Joey. So Matt, start us off with a movie that begins with the letter S.

Showgirls? That's a weird thing to try, but I'm going to let it fly. I'm going to allow it. Thank you. That's a spoiler for the S on the other end. Unless you want to try to match me. I went with

Smiley Face. I don't even know that one Which Joey Diaz happens to be in Oh, I take that back What do you do I'm a security guard Security guard is Smiley Face? I auditioned like 18 times She kept calling me in

Joey, read for this I kept going in And finally at the end she goes Joey, I didn't find nothing for you Just play a security guard And that was it Have you seen the movie? No going in. And finally at the end she goes, Joey, I didn't find nothing for you. Just play a security guard. And that was it. Have you seen the movie? No.

But it's all about pot smoking though, right? I do enough of it on my own. I don't want to see nobody's fucking movie. Alright, so you're probably going to be great at this. But now we go to Trey H. Happy Gilmore. Any movie that begins with H. Oh, Happy Gilmore. Very nice.

I went with Harry and the Hendersons, because I'm going to be in Seattle on May 23rd. Okay, so Joey, your letter is O. Just any movie that begins with the letter O. Other people's money. Ladies and gentlemen, right here, letter O. Other people's money. Who the fuck

do you think you're dealing with? So embarrassed for myself. Dude, you're upset, dude. You're visibly upset. That was really good. for myself. Dude, you're upset, dude. You're visibly upset.

That was really good. Like for the G in Showgirls, I had Grudge Match. I had Spider-Man 2. You're in that also. I was trying to set you up all down the line and you just, out of nowhere, bam, other people's money.

Because that was filmed in Rhode Island and I'll be in Providence on May 30th. That's a tough one because I was filmed in Rhode Island and I'll be in Providence on May 30th. That's a tough one because I was going to say apocalypse now. Well, I love when the letter O comes up in this game because you could just say, oh, like there is a movie that Shakespeare in high school movie that was written by Kevin Smith.

movie that Shakespeare in high school movie that was written by Kevin Smith. Maybe he was going to be on Getting Doug with High and canceled because he had a premonition that we would talk shit about him in Austin a few months later. Yeah, I think it was a scheduling thing, but he hasn't been on.

Oh, screw him anyway. That's Trey again saying that, not Doug Benson at all. Sorry. It's all fine and good. Yeah, it'll be alright. The W is Winter's Bone because it's set in Missouri. I'm going to be at the Kansas City Improv. In and Out is in Indiana.

I'll be in Bloomington. Did you know that Rush or Rushmore, I put down for the letter R, they were both filmed in Houston? Yeah. Rush and Rushmore. If Rush had been popular,

then that could have been the sequel. But Rushmore beat them to it. Rush was the one with Jason Patchett. That one? Yeah, the drug movie. The drug movie, that's Rush? Yeah. Oh, I was thinking of the one about the race car drivers.

Wait, there's two? There's two movies called Rush. Which one? Maybe a third if you can get into basic cable. Or soft core pornography. Or workout tapes. Or softcore pornography. Or workout tapes.

Looper was set in Missouri and I'll be at the Alamo Drafthouse in Kansas City. And then Spider-Man 2, as I said before, Joey plays train passenger. No numbers. I fucked up. I fucked up.

Do you remember what you say? No. I only have one line. It's something about if you can't get past me, you need to go to him or something like that. It took two weeks to shoot that. Fucking seven words Two weeks to shoot Tremendous

It's a great fucking business word Lobster tails on Friday You get to go first in this next game Joey In the sex game? Yeah You're first in this next game, Joey In the sex game? Yeah, you're first in the sex game Do we gotta pick somebody for that? Pick someone from the audience Whose name tag makes you sick

No This game You get to go first And it's called Last Man Stanton And the idea is We're gonna take turns naming movies By a particular actor, actress, or director until we run out of titles so you can go the longest and be the last man Stanton. And in order to do that, we need a...

Robert Rodriguez. Whoa, wow. People are just yelling them out. Denzel. Did you like any of those, Joey? Yes. You fan any of those performers? Denzel Washington?

Don't feel. Denzel. Denzel, okay. Joey says Denzel. And you don't fucking argue with Joey? I remember Diggins is too fucking easy. You know what I'm saying? I love Machete, but he's from here,

and it'd be too fucking easy. Oh, that's a bit of a gauntlet you just threw down. What's that? No, it'd be too easy. You know, I'd rather... Do it! All right. He wants more of a challenge, you guys.

So he says Denzel. So you go first, Joey. Name any movie that Denzel Washington is in. Man on Motherfucking Fire. Plain and simple. Man on Fire. That. Plain and simple. Man on fire. That's a good one. His new one is coming

out soon. The Equalizer smells like man on fire too. Yeah, yeah. He's done. Which I don't mind. Alright, Matt. I'm going to play in this game too because I like to play. Training Day. Yes. Which I enjoyed

the pigeon scene. I don't... Some people seem to get that. Others like me. There's no joke there. It was my... They taught pigeons

how to signal people. Never... You know what? Fuck me. It got a nice little laugh, the pigeon thing. I just didn't get it. I don't know.

It wasn't... Hey. Dear Zachary. Fucking hilarious. Hilarious. You gotta see it. I gotta see this movie. Hilarious, dude.

Come over to my house. You know, bring a couple of guys. Yeah, I ain't falling for that one again. I really don't want to watch it now. Training day? It's good. Pigeon scene's hilarious. Trey, what do you got?

Man. Jay, I'm sorry. I should have warned you. I'm really bad with names and titles and stuff. I'm just like, he's in that one movie with the other people, you know, where they do the thing. Remember the Titans, right? But any... Yeah, am I right? He was the coach?

Yeah, okay, wow, you're grappling, struggling with it already. Yeah. On the first round. Good luck. Thanks. What's the average number of rounds people make it? I don't know some players are unstoppable

Joey American Gangster yeah Glory yes yes Glory good one that was on my list oh Trey what Glory. Yes, yes, Glory. Good one. That was on my list. Damn it! Oh, Trey, what?

The new one with Ryan Reynolds. Safe House. Safe House, right? Is that right? Safe House. No one is safe, no one is house. Indeed. I'll snatch up Malcolm X, why the hell not? Get that out of the way. Joey? I know you can do this.

I got like ten of them that he's done, but I can't remember the fucking titles. That's the problem. You can't describe it, and don't yell out, please. John Q is now eliminated. No John Q. It's only between the people on stage, you guys. I'm done.

I don't know. All right, so Joey's out. I can't think of it. We'll go back to Matt. What do you got, Matt? He did one recently where he was in a plane. Uh-huh. And it's...

Wow. It's either... It's like right there. You're so close. Wow. Not 100%. What happens on a plane? Flight.

Flight or pilot. Flight, you son of a bitch. Flight. Flight. Well, that is a special kind of cheating. Trey, what do you got? You took my last one, man. Give me a minute.

Flight was your last one? You need a minute? Yeah. As long as you'll give me before you go, or whatever you do. I don't make that noise. Oh, thank God. Thank you.

Just ask politely for... Denzel Washington. Denzel Washington. Denzel Washington. Just, I want the pain to end. Something where he was a slave or something. Oh, no. Oh, my God. She didn't get uncomfortable at all.

That's terrible. Not at all. Not the least bit. You say, remember the Titans? Man. We'll be back with more of White Guys Talk About Denzel. Yeah. Live from Philadelphia. We'll be back with more of White Guys Talk About Denzel Yeah Live from Philadelphia

Driving Miss Daisy That was Morgan Freeman, you're out I'm gonna go ahead and take Philadelphia. Matt, what do you got? Moe Better Blue. Oh, nice one. How about some Crimson Tide? What did he say?

Crimson Tide. Submarine movie. It's killing me because the only one I can see him in right now, I can't remember the name and someone's going to help me. That's going to be perfect for me to win. It has to do, it's like seven ounces, seven and a half grams. That is Will Smith, you racist. I'm not the only one.

No, no, no. Amistad. Amistad. Racist. Racist. Racist. Wait, man, can't you... A birth of a nation. Is that... Can I make me more of a racist?

Can I just go ultimate racism and go birth of a nation? Does that... Devil in a blue dress. I win. Now go ahead and yell out the ones we missed. Oh, virtuosity. The one with the jail one where they robbed the bank.

I forgot that one Oh Inside Man Yeah I couldn't think of it Two Guns Oh Two Guys That was a fucking disaster Was he in the Pelham movie Yeah Taking Pelham

One two three Ricochet Ricochet yes The one in Florida With the chick That he was banging Yeah yeah Deja Vu Deja Vu.

Deja Vu, they got in trouble for. He got game. He got game. Denzel doing some work. I feel like this guy's been in some shit. Damn, he's been busy for a minute. Wow. Game should have gone on a little longer.

I wish you had more time. That's the best line he ever fucking did when he stuck the grenade up the guy's ass. And man, I'm fired. He's like, I wish you had more time. And all of a sudden he walks away and the guy blows up. Fucking tremendous.

Fucking tremendous. Let's play the Leonard Moulton game. There he goes. That's what everybody's been waiting for. fucking tremendous let's play the Leonard Moulton game that's what everybody's been waiting for can I order another one of these oh I'd love another drink as well maybe one of those I could get some more Tito's and soda that's it we're fireman's for can we drop a little couple of brand local brand names on this? Please. Can I get one of Brad Farberstein's finest?

A fireman's four? Joey, would you like anything? Just a water. Just a water? Tito's and tonic or whatever. Okay, so he's tonic. So get a whatever completely. Just like a bourbon and coke. And whatever both of them go.

Well, they go back there and go, Trey wants a drink. It's Mark and Travis. Either one of them are going to pour a Tito's and tonic. Look at you. I'm just saying, right? Pulling that local shit out. Playing that card. Whatever. I'm done. Carbon fucking copy.

Denzel Washington. Wow. Never even heard of that. I'm done. Carbon fucking copy. Denzel Washington. Wow. Never even heard of that. That's like his first movie, I think. Hurricane Carter. Hurricane Carter said the least. Wasn't it just called The Hurricane, though? Oh, yeah.

Just Hurricane. The Hurricane. But whatever. You still have points! Okay, now we're back to the no audience yelling out part. Because the Leonard Maltin game is all between the players on the stage.

Who won the last game before this game was Joey did. So Joey gets to pick the first category. Thank you so much. Oh, Tito's. Sam, can I get one of those too, please? Oh, what happened? I thought... Thank you. Would you like... Oh, I thought Mark and Travis knew what you wanted back there

and suddenly you end up with no drinks. I wonder how that happened. Watch this. Oh, that's fucking strong. You got both drinks in one glass. I always wonder what tonic and soda would taste like together.

It's a wicked beverage. What am I trying to do here? Oh, get the Leonard Mullen game app going. The dead app that still works for my purposes. Joey, I'm going to give you three category options to choose from. Spider, dude.

I totally killed a spider on that time. There's a spider on the stage? I saved his life. It was on me, and that is not appropriate. That is against the rules. It doesn't even look like a regular spider, though. It looks like a little tiny...

What is that? Sorry, we're not... We're just distracted. Right? I know. Does that look like a regular spider to you? I don't know i got those left check it back you just flipped it in a girl oh it's still on his thumb

did you're really popular throwing spiders at girls she didn't jump very much either she took took it pretty well. Dad be fine. Used to that. Joey, would you like today, May 17th, Bill Paxton is celebrating a birthday. So this would be the films of Bill Pullman.

The films of Bill Pullman. Wow, that's a trick. At Acne of the Gods on Twitter suggested Tight Club. Tight Club, that's movies where guys have sex with each other and then keep it a secret. Or the Blueberry Johnson category, you're in this,

and that's movies that you're in. Which one of those would you like to play? Why is he thinking about this? I have no fucking idea what you just said. So the categories of movies that I'm in, movies that Bill Pullman are in? Or movies where two dudes have sex and then keep it a secret. Which are movies I'm in.

The movies aren't a secret. The sex in the movie is the secret. Was that what happened in The Secret? Just watch two dudes having sex and Oprah going, they can do that. Anything is possible. You can be whatever you want to be.

Joey, what do you think? You like any of those? I like Bill Pullman. I only know two of the movies he's been in. Well, maybe you'll get lucky and this might be one of them. Black movies I've been in. Yes! Yeah, all right.

This movie is from 2005. Remember anything you made around then? Not really. Two and a half stars from Leonard Maltin. Dick. How dare he? Yeah. How could he say that?

He says this movie blends comedy and violence. And he also says that there's some recognizable figures in the movie. Along this yard. So Joey Diaz is on the board.

Wow. That's how you play the game, right? That's how it's done. That's how it's done. Be in movies, remember which ones you were in. It's going to be easy for you. Bam, just slap it down. What's your mom's name, Trey? Norma.

Norma. Norma Galleon's home movies. Yeah, that's the only movie I've been in. Here we go. All right, we're going to start with Trey, and then we'll go to Matt, and then to Joey. Movies that I've been in. And Joey, don't just say the answer as soon as you know it. Wait until I give you the key for that.

No, no, that was... I thought we were on a timer. I love me some Joey Diaz. That's awesome. You know, I don't mind adjusting the rules when you're on the show to, if you know it, yell it out. But this time, you'll see how it works, because Trey will pick a category. Between these options.

Christopher Waltzen, that's movies where Christopher Walken dances. Or Billy the Kid, that's movies with Billy Crystal, a goat, or both. As suggested by A Sprouse 25

on Twitter. And then the third option from David K. Ashton is Full Metal Jacket. And that's a movie where a robot has sex. Full Metal Jacket. Jacket. I want to do the Christopher Walton one. Okay. Yeah.

The movie is from 1981. Oh, fuck. Leonard Walton gives it three stars. He calls this movie unique and remarkable. Three stars. And then he says it's intellectually provocative, but troubling as entertainment. Yeah, and Christopher Walken dances

and Leonard lists eight actors in this movie. How many names, reading from the bottom up, do you think it will take you to discern the title of this movie, Trey Galeon? You said there's eight names on there? Eight names. How many do you need? Seven. That's a bad move. Seven's

a reasonable bid, but let's see what Matt Bearden does with that. It's eight and one, man. I'd take also seven. I'll go with seven as well. Feel good about it? Do I agree? It was a solid starting bid. I'm going to ask Trey Gallion just to name it. Feel good about it? Not grie? It was a solid starting bid. I'm going to ask Trey Gallagher just to name it. All right.

So, Joey, you're out of this one. It just comes down to whether or not Trey can figure it out after all these names. It is probably possibly before your time, Trey. I have no poker face. 1981, were you seeing a lot of movies in 81? Nah, man, I was nine. I was still getting boners at Daisy Duke and stuff. I think nine-year-olds would like this.

All right. Here's your names. Tommy Rail. Jay Garner. Fuck, I didn't know this was going to be this easy. John McMartin. Vernal Bagneris. Jessica Harper.

Christopher Walken. Bernadette Peters. Those are your seven out of eight names. Oh, sweet. I got a point. I love Bernadette Peters, but I have clearly not seen that one late. Really? I know it ain't Annie. I know that.

And I know it ain't the jerk. Alright, we could do this all night. Movies it's not. Hell of a game. Let's narrow this shit down, buddy. Show us your work. Bernadette Peters, man.

Wait, can you read the review again? I can read parts of it that I can remember. Unique and remarkable. And intellectually provocative, but troubling as entertainment. How dare they call this entertainment? Says Leonard Maltin. I got nothing. Or Jon Favreau.

People think they sound alike. Nothing? I've really got nothing. All right, he gives up. Matt gets a point, everybody. Stoked. Who is the seventh name? The final eighth name is Steve Martin.

And it's not the jerk. Dead man don't wear a plaid? No, Penny's from Heaven. Oh, yeah, I never saw that. It's a musical. It's a musical. Christopher Walken has a big number. It's probably the best part, yeah, I never saw that. It's a musical. It's a musical. Christopher Walken has a big number. It's probably the best part of the movie, Christopher Walken.

I was going to say The Jerk, but I was like, I've seen it a bazillion times, and I don't remember if it's anywhere in there. You still would have been wrong. It doesn't matter. Why not just say something on Glory? Amistad? I don't know. All right, Joey gets to pick the next category.

And your three options, Joey, are... And then, oh, who challenges who on that last one? Matt challenged you, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we go to Matt after Joey. Non-Stop is a movie set in India. That's a fun play on words.

Non-N-A-A-N. Joey likes it, you guys. No, no. No, no. I know nothing about Indian movies. Okay. Just throw that one out then. I'll just say categories until you hear one that you like.

SquidEye suggested How Doug, and that's movies with the word jump in the title. All right. Or, yeah, Denver suggested The Girl with the Pearl Necklace, and that's movies where Scarlett Johansson has sex. All of them. Yolo Virus, movies where an actor who played James Bond dies. Helping No. 2, movies where someone eats shit.

Let's just go with the word jump. What? Oh, jump, okay. Could have stopped me a while. Oh, no. It's 2011. This is when this movie came out, Joey. Two and a half stars from Leonard Maltin.

He says this movie is about a young couple's wedding weekend. And he says that the situations the characters find themselves in ring true with lessons about finding common ground between loved ones.

Wow. 14 names are listed. So how many names Joey do you think It would take you To name the title Of this movie Start reading So you're basically

Saying all 14 names Who's that 14 names You'd want them all Nah just start from the bottom And I'll tell you when to stop I don't fucking know I don't fucking know

I need time for this one You know what I'm saying No but you just say 14 Say 14 names and then we'll move on To Matt 14 names See he's accommodating Matt

It's going back this way, not all the way around. Yeah, it's coming right back at you because you challenged the last round. Right, right, right. I got you now. I got you now. Yeah. I'm going to then say, I'm going to say 13. 13, yeah, that's what you're going to say.

Yeah, I'm going to say 13. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got 12. Frank. Just say name it. Just make him name it. He can't fucking do it. Just say name it. I don't fucking know.

Why are you helping him? What the fuck? Because he scares the shit out of me. That's why I'm fucking helping him. I don't want him to fucking stab me. Listen, listen, listen. I eat a Chibichu at 1230, all right? I don't fucking know what's going on right now.

This jump shit just confused me even more. The 14 names, I don't fucking know. Drop it on Uncle Joey and we'll figure something the fuck out. Joey, for me, say 11. 11. I don't give a fuck. Let's do it. 11, 14.

He says 11, man. 14. I don't fucking, I don't know. Just hit me do it. 11, 14. He says 11, man. 14. I don't know. Just hit me with it. I don't know what's going on. I'm going to make him name it. You know he's going to be able to name it probably. But that's no fun because now the game is going to be over.

What are you naming 14 things? The people in the movie? He's going to name the stars in the movie. Let's fucking start it. Yeah, let's go. Why is it taking him so long the fuck is he why is he complicated all this name shit he knows I'm confused already names at you I'm on your side Joe crap hey will you come with me tomorrow to that taco place

and yell at those fucking people it That would be so awesome. That would be so fucking awesome. Go get a fucking life somewhere, cocksucker. You're gonna stand out of line on the Lord's Day. Like a fucking Russian waiting for toilet paper. Get the fuck out of here. I fucking hate lines, dog. And then take it by

Franklin's and have them burn it down. I'll burn that fucking place down. I'm gonna go... Listen, after a while, Franklin's is great them burn it down. Oh, I'll burn that fucking place down. I'm gonna go... Listen, after a while, Franklin's is great, but not fucking... I'm not waiting three fucking hours, okay? Go to Mueller's. I'm not waiting three fucking hours. That's cheaply type shit.

That's... Shut your fucking mouth hole, you motherfucker! You do not say that name in public! You do not let people know about that! It's fucking good, isn't it? Oh my God, it's good. Micklethwaite. But don't let everybody know.

I want them to make money, but goddamn no lines. Fuck, it's so good. Micklethwaite. Shut up. Dude, I went down to Louie Mueller's the other day because I didn't want to deal with fucking lines anywhere. Shh. Oh, but wait.

I think we have a movie game going on. Hang on, it's not a barbecue game. Doug loves barbecue. This is Austin. Bad barbecue in Austin is better than the best barbecue in L.A. Amen, man. So what the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fuck? Just give me a fucking piece of brisket and some white bread. And let's let the fartin' fuckin' begin, alright? I'm gonna sit here and wait in line. There's a sheep to wait in line. Like a fuckin' donkey. Get the fuck outta here. I didn't even wait in line in Cuba, and I'm a fuckin' commie.

Fuck that shit. Fuckin' wait in line. Get the fuck outta here. Wait in line for dick. That's what they do. They sit around. This is so cool. It's fucking cool waiting in line. What the fuck is wrong with you? There's a ton of things you can do in fucking three hours.

Oh, you guys need to come back tonight, huh? Fucking almost. You guys are always doing two shows here tonight, right? That's right, cocks that's right so come on back oh who shot that duck yeah just go sit in that car with the bong you know after this show and come back and see joey's next show and then do it again and come back and see joey's late show i bet you two shows your shows are like snowflakes you know everyone is different everyone is different we have a good time and you know what man out of respect for you i didn't get high 90 days today's

my 90th day without smoking weed so i thought this was the don't boo me you i live in l.a you smoke with me one morning see what happens to you you'll be laying there like everybody else mommy mommy rogan and all those guys they can't deal with the banana bread you for the deal with me get the out of here you'll be saying that by nine in the morning i'm six joints in what the are you doing by nine in the morning you're eating oatmeal talking about standing online at franklin's oatmeal talking about standing on line at franklin's the out of my face moop joey deez this is 20 27 years of smoking reef i'm a loser i wanted to give 90 i want to give a break to my lungs because i'm 51 i'm gonna die i can't what happens if somebody

goes to attack my daughter i I can't fucking run or nothing So fuck it. It was not but I thought you were doing a fourth. You bet that you do you're not doing it You've been doing The same happy memories rehab I just stopped smoking rolling it smoking i still pop six seven hundred milligrams a day out of respect to you i ate a half a pot cooker with my blood pressure medication who does that get the out of here you're gonna run with uncle joey you amateur Get the fuck out of here. You're gonna run with Uncle Joey, you fucking amateur. I think he was booing that you'd quit entirely

and didn't know that, didn't know edibles took apart. So what's the name of this fucking jump around movie? Whatever the fuck you got. You're so good at this. It's called the fucking jump around movie. There you go. It's a documentary about House of Pain. Which I'll be over at your house watching tonight at 2 in the morning.

Perfect. There's a strange crossroads on this show. Ralph Macchio. I'm not sure what to do. Where was the bidding left at? Eleven. Eleven. And that was, Matt was going to say he can name it in ten.

No, no, no. I told Joey to name it. No, you were going to say that you can name it in ten. And then Trey was going to say name it to you. And then you were going to fail to name it and then we were going to have a three-way tie. Sweet!

I can name that movie in ten names. Name it! Alright! Star Wars! Fuck! Yeah, it turns out it's called Jumping the Broom. Son of a bitch! I don't think a person in this room would have known. Nobody knew that.

Do you remember jumping the broom? You guys knew it? Holy shit. Three-way tie. We'll get you up here next time. You nerd. Instead of these guys. All right, we have a three-way tie, everybody.

That's exciting. Because here's how this works, Joey. We have a three-way tie. Woo! Woo! Who challenged who on that one? You guys challenged each other. Trey challenged me.

We'll start with Joey. Under duress. Start with Joey and then we'll go to Trey. Joey, I'm going to read the entire review of this movie and then I'm going to tell you how many actors they list in this movie and then you're going to say how many of the people that are in this movie you can name. And the idea is when I've

read this description, you're going to know what movie we're talking about. Alright. That's my hope. Alright. Two and a half stars from my editor for this movie. After buying a beat-up used car that turns into an Autobot,

a nerdy teen finds himself at the center of an epic battle to save Earth from transforming alien robots. And manages to win the hottest babe in school to boot. Can I get the year on that?

Slam bank actioner based on popular series of toys is surprisingly well done for a summer blockbuster. Did GoBots make a movie? Is that the Ninja Turtles thing? I think it may be

Ninja Turtles. Supposed 11th grader Megan Fox looks more like a candidate for the pussycat dolls. It totally says that. Transformers. Fox!

He's so good at this. He's really good. That is the name of the movie. I never saw it. I don't even know. But Joey, how many people can you name that are in that movie? In order. In order? Yeah. In order from top, top build. Megan Fox. That's it. I can't lie. I didn't see the movie. So what do you say? Like one people? One people. Okay. So Joey bids negative one.

Then we go to Trey. How many people can you name in order? I can go with three. Whoa. Matt says he can do three, Joey, so I'd say, since you only have Megan Fox and that's just one, you should challenge Matt

and say, name it. And then maybe throw in a cocksucker. Name it. Alright. We'll go with top billing, which would be Cheryl Abouf. I don't tell you if you're right or wrong until you say all three.

What's the movie called, first of all? Transformer. Okay. Dude, this is... All right. What's the movie called, first of all? Transformer. Okay. Z. Dude, this is... Zahn. You caught me off guard. Transformer Zahn.

I'm going to go with... Do we have to have the pronunciation correct? No, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm going to go with number one is Shia LaBeouf. I'm going to go with second billing is going to be Megan Fox. I'm going to go with second billing is going to be Megan Fox. I'm going to go with third billing is going to be

David Cross. What just happened? Did you just have a stroke or something? You were so confident. Never seen the movie. Never fucking seen it. Well played, my friend. Fucking parking lot to lose Josh Duhamel is the third bill person Well done.

Did I really win? Yeah, you won. What do I win? That's it. That's it. It's just a pride thing, basically. But where is the person that you were playing for? They get all these prizes.

Yeah, you had all these prizes. Come on over and shit. Sorry, Jason. Oh, I get why you picked her. Congratulations. Do you want to give everybody a hug? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she does.

Congratulations. Wow, a power of does. Congratulations. Wow, a powerful suggestion. Yeah. Nice. There, she with a guy. Sorry, man. Oh, he's giving me the thumbs up. I could have grabbed her ass.

Nice facts. That she gave to you with her thing and this stuff. I know. Cookies. I got it. Incredible cookies. Do your name tags have shitheads on the back of them? Yeah, I do. I have one. I'll need those at the end here. Oh, wow. What? Okay. Mine's super fucking funny, too.

It's a really funny shithead. Okay. Children Underground! You want to go to Matt's house? After this. It's not only elaborate, but then also it's the thing where they, like, forgot a word. They write that in above it with a little arrow.

When you hear how dark this is, the little arrow is like it's too cute. There's the at symbol at one point instead of the word at, but you shouldn't put an at symbol

in this very, very serious sentence. But we'll hear all about it at the end. Trey, what do you got to plug? What's going on, man? I'm here tonight

with Joey Diaz. Yes. Two shows. I may or may not be doing a show tomorrow at the Ritz downtown. And then July 4th, I'm in Philly at the Helium Club there with Chris Fairbanks. On July 4th? July 2nd through the 5th.

And taking July 4th off. We're doing one show at 8 o'clock on July. Oh, shit. And then taking some mushrooms and going to watch the fireworks. Yeah, I think he's going to have a real good time with that. I think he's going to have a good time with that. What about you, Matt? What do you got going on?

Starting up in the very first Tuesday of June, I run a show called Punch, which is, you should be cheering. You're right to cheer. The best time you can have in your life, it's every Tuesday here at this club from 8 to 9.30. It's stand-up. I put together and produce a show, which is incredible. It can't be beat. It's the incredible acts.

I'm very proud of it. You should come because in December, it ends forever. Yeah, I'm fucking done. You should be sad. It's fucking great. But we start up again. We're on hiatus right now. We start up again in June, the very first Tuesday of June.

We'll run through the summer. We'll take a quick break. And then we'll do our 15th season. And then after all those years, we will be done. Fuck you. What? Okay. In a nice way.

In a nice way. PunchComedy.com. Please come see the show. I don't know how to feel about what you're saying right now. It's very aggressive. I'm sorry. Please, please come to the show.

Why is it going to stop in December? I want to do something else. Okay. You know what I mean? It's stopping in December, so fuck you. It's kind of like, are people really trying that hard To get you to keep it going

That seemed actually the aggressive thing That was probably yeah But I didn't understand what was happening with the fuck you were. Are you still getting a ride home from me? Because I might drive us into a wall. I'll take you out. Even if I have to die too.

There's a guy in the audience offering you a ride. To that I say, no, and thank you. I don't know why I'm sad that I'm making it end. And so it hurts me. No, and thank you. I don't know why I'm sad that I'm making it end. And so it hurts me. That's why you lash out. That is why I lash out. It's why it's been my entire life.

I have a lot of sadness. Fuck you. Hey, guess what? My parents are divorced. Do you want to talk about that a little while? No, but I was thinking that is an awesome suicide note. I decided to end it. Fuck you.

Then jump. Yeah. But make sure it's on a flyer that looks like a comedy show. But yeah, I want to... Shit, it's December, really? Will you come to... I would love to do one, but you might have to extend it a few years. When I end it, I'm going to do like a week's worth of shows.

Will you come do one of the shows? Oh, a whole week of ending it. I like that. You're a fucking asshole. I'm going to do a week's worth of shows. Will you come do one of the shows? Oh, a whole week of ending it. I like that. You're a fucking asshole. I'm going to stab you. In December? It'll be in December. Yeah, I'll do it. Sweet. Maybe I'll end it in November.

He's good. I don't know. My mom never hugged me as a child. I got a mean thing. I'm loving. I don't know how she could have hugged you as a child. I think that she was an adult and you were her child. I'm still going to make you watch Dear Zachary.

Oh, fucker. Joey Joey Diaz what's up buddy You still here I'm here baby I'm here I'm here I'm here everything's good What do you got coming up you got some road dates and stuff I got Salt Lake City with Duncan Trussell Oh that's fun 6th and the 7th

And I got Long Island and I got an episode of Marin Coming up in mid-June. So we'll be rocking that. And that's it. I got nothing else. I got Dick this summer. You got your ongoing podcast, right? I got the podcast.

Church of What's Happening Now. The Flying Jews in the Back. He's here with me. So, yeah. All right. Very cool. Does anybody in the audience have any plugs? Woo!

You do? What do you need to plug? I was kidding, but Now's your chance Huh? Come and take it, Austin Facebook! Thank you for plugging Facebook, sir Edit that

Jeez, really? Come on, dude He just plugged Facebook Yes Thank God we're getting the word out Thank God Also, football Another thing we want to plug

Football is another thing Gotta get the word out Football, also food Letting other people have food and air and water You guys really do keep it weird, man That's weird, weird Very weird I expected Austin, like, unicycles or something and air and water you guys really keep it weird man that's weird weird very weird expected austin like unicycles or something but oh my gosh we got a couple minutes left over because that game

wrapped up quicker than i expected it to even with going to a three-way time oh you want us to play oh hey don't forget my albums on itunes and and Amazon. Yeah, why is it called that? The Moronic. Look at the cover. It's Dr. Dre, The Chronic. Anybody that's... Oh, okay. Never mind.

How did you not get that? Why does it have a question mark at the end? Oh, because they threw it on... Rooftop threw it on there, and I was like, fuck yeah, keep that on there. You know why I didn't recognize the album cover art? Because I stopped at looking at album covers hobby many years ago. I don't look at album covers anymore.

It's all digital right now. Wow, and not impressive. The cover is half of why you buy the record. Wait, what? The cover is half the reason? Right. The music is one half. And so it was like, I'm going to make it a cool cover.

Especially since people don't buy CDs anymore. They just download it. right the music is a cool cover and so it was like I'm gonna make it a cool cover especially since people don't buy CDs anymore they just download it so if you're trying to get people to buy oh you mean when you're selling

them after your shows right right can people here get them today yeah you can get it today I've got some in the back sure

but I didn't want to do that during your show you have some in your van well cause I'm doing the shows with Joey

so I have them yeah in my creepy van in the parking lot yeah they're free for children. Did anybody bring any kids? Did you guys... Puppies? Did you say free puppies? Candy and puppies.

Oh, no, man. I got to fly back to New York. You can't take a puppy on your carry-on, can you? Did you want to ask us what the top movie was this week, 5, 10, 15, 20, and 25 years ago? Huh. Would you know the answer if I asked that question? I know you said you had some time to burn. I don't know if we want to run through it or whatever. That seems very involved, all those...

It does. It seems like someone would put a lot of work into the show only to get here and have a certain question not pop up. Oh, you think I do a category where it's movies that were number one that many years ago? Because I haven't done that in a long time. I know, it'd be ridiculous for you to bring it back. Let's do movies filmed in Austin.

Why are you guys suggesting games to me right now? You said we had time to kill. It doesn't have to be a game. I said we had time to kill, and then I was going to say what I wanted to do with that time. Oh, wow. Now I feel like an idiot.

But I said it too slow I guess. Now that we've arrived at that particular crossroads, I want to play the game about 5, 10, 15, and 25 years ago. How's this gonna work Matt? Well here's what we're gonna do. Well, here's what we're going to do. We are going to... Here's what we're going to do. We're each going to take turns. We're going to go around.

I don't know how to play games. Oh, shit. Looks like we're out of time. There we go. Thank God. Thank God. Can't you just name them and then we're done? Yeah, what were the goddamn answers?

What was number one five years ago? Oh, my God. That'd be Angels and Demons. Really? Yeah. You want to read the result? You want to read the review of that or anything be Angels and Demons. Really? Yeah. You want to read the review of that or anything? Angels and Demons? Nuh-uh.

Ten years ago. Troy. That was Troy. Troy. Okay. Yeah, you remember Troy? Sure. But I know that other guy.

Fifteen years ago. Fantamentus? Fantamentus? Oh, that's not... Fantamentus is what I meant to say. Oh, let's take one more swig of this. Fantamentus? Fantamentus? Fantamentus is what I meant to say. Let's take one more swig of this. Fantamentus. I love that soda flavor. Fantamentus. That was really...

I had a bad feeling about it. You mean Star Wars episode. Oh, wow. Hater. Way to go. I see how it is. 20 years ago. 20 years ago. Oh, you mean when a Land... Man, When a Man. When a Land Loves a Woman? When a Land Loves a Woman is a gamers video that never came out. When a Man Loves a Woman was the number one movie 20 years ago.

Was Meg Ryan? No. No. Yeah, thank you. No. Who was in When a Man Loves a Woman? When a Man Loves a Woman is Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan. Yes, that's what I just said, Meg Ryan. That wasn't no 20 years ago.

That was 20 years ago. No shit. Fucked you up, right? Dude, he just got old in a hurry. Holy fuck. I'm getting old. Please ask. I saw that in Houston.

That's why I remember. I thought I was doing comedy. Yeah, all right. And that movie was also about a 12-step program or whatever, so that's why it was a big hit. It was. Everybody wanted to see that.

Okay, go ahead. 25 is the best, actually, of all of them. And I was really... See no evil, hear no evil. Not a horror movie like you might think. Jerry Wilder and Richard Pryor. Yeah, one of them's blind, one of them's deaf. What the horror movie like you might think. Jerry Wilder and Richard Pryor. Yeah. One of them's blind. That's what's gonna happen!

Crazy. One more time, everybody, for Joey Coco Diaz. Matt Bearden. Trey Gallion. As always, as always, people with crappy haircuts are a shithead.

It had to be said, I guess. This one's so good. This one is so good. You guys are going to laugh. This is hilarious. People who take pills and fall asleep at the wheel and kill them

are a shithead. Cue the music. Cue the music. I was fixing a key, there's no room in his heart for you Cause the club's moving