Doug Loves Movies - Live in Baltimore

Episode Date: August 2, 2011

Recorded live at the Baltimore Comedy Factory on August 3rd, 2011. Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, and Graham Elwood guest.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers. Hey everybody, thanks for buying this boner edition of Doug Loves Movies. Just wanted to throw out a quick apology for what a drunken mess this episode becomes. I think there's some funny stuff in here, but it is a long haul. So thanks again, and remember that Amy Schumer, Anthony Jeselnik, and I all get pretty drunk, and Graham Elwood has no excuse. Enjoy. I'll see you at Doug Loves Movies! no excuse. Enjoy. Hey everybody Hey, everybody.

My name is Doug, and I'm in an echo chamber for some reason. Can we turn down the echo on this a little bit and make it sound like a microphone in a comedy club? This is Doug Loves Movies. I can't wait for the guests to get out here. These things are going to be all... Actually, that feedback noise wouldn't be so bad

if that's what it sounded like. It's nowhere near as irritating as actual feedback noise. This is Doug Loves Movies. Special boner ep. Coming to you Finally Finally coming to you

From the Comedy Factory In Baltimore, Maryland August 3rd to Ocean's Eleven Let's see those name tags, Baltimore. Holy crap. That's a weird name. How do you pronounce that? Shane.

It's not spelled like Shane. That guy's got a lobster with his name on it. Chris has some sort of gift card. He's trying to bribe his way in. There's a Friday the 13th hockey mask. What's that over there? A big cookie? Yeah. I like it.

A party hat with your name on it. Ray Gunn. Robin is here, everybody. She's got a Ray Gunn. Well, this is amazing. Thank you so much for doing that. That says dong on it, everybody. She's got a ray gun. Well, this is amazing. Thank you so much for doing that. That says Dong on it, sir. You might want to change your name.

Who's here? Dong. I'll get it. One of the greatest movies of all time was filmed right here in Baltimore. Have you seen it? It's called The Wire. Holy shit, that show is a great movie. It's not HBO, it's a movie. I wanted to try to get Baltimore Snoop to come on. Yeah, but she's not good at Twitter. I wanted to try to get Baltimore Snoop to come on. Yeah.

But she's not good at Twitter. Or chose to ignore me on Twitter. Because she's busy being arrested for drug offenses. But it would have been neat to have her on. But instead, you guys are still in for a treat. Let me just really briefly catch you up to speed on my day and how awesome it was. Because the good folks at my favorite, Airline United, decided we didn't need to get here for this. And they tried their best to stop us.

But no, they got us here. But we just arrived a little bit ago. And me and one of my friends, it's going to be out here. Luckily, the other two friends came in from New York, so they didn't have as much travel hassles as we did. But also, it's just been a long time coming. We played the Comedy Factory here. Who was at that show when I was here? And that night, the pledge was made. I thought the crowd was so great.

I said, we're going to come back and do the podcast at the Comedy Factory. Since then, they've moved to this new location so that we could get more people in. That's not why they moved, but I like to think that's why they moved. And now we're finally here And we're doing it And thank you so much for waiting For the late start time And for everyone here at the club For helping us to make this happen

My three friends that are here To Participate That was weird Why was that so hard to come up with? Because it's not on the paper participate. That was weird. Why was that so hard to come up with? Because it's not on the paper. Go back to the paper, Doug.

These are three talented comedians that you've heard on the podcast before. Please give a big warm welcome to Graham Elwood, Anthony Jeselnik, and Amy Schumer. We did it. We did it, everybody. Thank you. Boom. We made it everybody Thank you Boom we made it There are so many people

I want to thank We're sitting in a fucking airplane Like we're gonna goddamn do this show I don't give a shit if we start at midnight We're doing a fucking show One guy cares Thank you if we start at midnight. We're doing a fucking show. One guy cares. Thank you.

I'm just over here plugging my phone into the wall. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is depressing looking. Because my phone is dying and I needed to play the Leonard Moulton game. Leonard Moulton.

Charge that shit up, Doug. We'll stall. That was unexpected. Okay, you're in charge of making sure no one takes it. Your mic's on. All right, dude. Is my mic on? Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah, you could take it. One time when I performed here, I was here with my buddy Chris Porter, and he set his phone down for a second. Gone. Yeah, I'm not blaming the city of Baltimore. I'm just saying that it happens. It's the kind of city you never want to leave your hotel room. Thank you.

Wow, you're really winning them over with that kind of... You guys live in a hellhole. They're not going to walk two blocks from where we are right now. No. Wow, you're really winning them over with that kind of... They know. They're not going to walk two blocks from where we are right now. No. You know, I was actually just here to do shows like a month ago, and it is great to be here for the last time now. Amy's got some shows coming up here, right? I think so.

Depending on how tonight goes, I guess. Tonight's going to go great. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm half in the bag. I'm very excited about everything that's happening. My phone's getting charged. We're going to have a great Leonard Walton game

at the end of the show. Doug, I think it's weird that you did coke right before you came out here. Yeah, that was weird. Why are you pacing around? Well, I'm gearing weird that you did coke right before you came out here. Yeah, that was weird. Why are you pacing around? Well, I'm gearing up for Super Coke Me. Oh my God. Who are the pictures in the back of this one?

One day at a time. One day at a time. Yeah. Bill W. Who are those pictures? I'm already not listening. It's a comedy club amy there's pictures on the back yeah but look who they are come back in a few weeks you can go into who they are sorry sorry that's nothing to do with movies except hey what's this name tag exit what's this fucking guy exit no that's an exit sign that's for fire safety.

And anyway, why would you pronounce it exit? That's true. Even if his name was exit, it would still be exit. Well, and if he was from another country, you'd say exit. That's right. Is there one of those weird things above the I? I don't think so. You mean the dot above the I?

You mean that weird fella? Yeah, what the fuck is that weird thing? Who puts that in front of an L? That's weird. That doesn't make sense. We say Native American. When he crosses the T. When Graham crosses the T, he then burns it.

I burn it. Because he hates Jesus. No! Because T's are stupid. Now what are you doing, Doug? Are you going to teach us a moral lesson? Doug's sitting on the edge of the stage looking like a theater teacher.

I just thought it'd be fun to sit down here. It looks fun. Do you want to sing a song? Get close to the crowd. You know, just chill over here. It's very Red Hot Chili Peppers. While you guys are doing your exit routine. Your exit material.

I just thought I'd chill for a second. I've got to come down off of this Coke. Yeah. I don't know. You did a lot of Coke back there. It was really ill-timed Coke. First of all, I had to because

they call the green room here the Tony Montana room. And... Well, you had asked for laxative and they didn't have that. No. They cut their laxatives with Coke here.

Listen, I love to snort baby laxative. Hook me up. We've only got Coke. All right, I'll take that. And then you're like, say hello to my little friend, Zip Thump. Dick joke, suck it. Someone at home is laughing. Go fuck yourselves.

You got an applause break from that guy. Yeah, someone, the guy Exit, who's in France, who listens to the show. He fucking loves it. You're killing with that guy. Bring it back. Thank you for giving me such a big dick, though, Zip Thump. Yeah, that's in France, who listens to the show. He fucking loves it. You're killing with that guy. Bring it back. Thank you for giving me such a big dick, though, Zip Thump. Yeah, that's what I was saying.

Did I hit a table nearby? Yeah. Or is it ground? You have a big, like, cobalt salmon. Or did it go all the way to the ground? I think... Boom! What Graham was... Zip.

Yeah, exactly. I think what Graham was saying, though, the Thump was, you're shitting out your dick. Yeah. Seriously, if Mike... So wait a minute. Exit gets nothing and shitting out a dick. That's the big fucking showcloser. That's gold.

Am I in the right place, Paul Moore? Y'all set there, hon? Gold. So what's with the Hitler Youth Armband, Graham? I'm just a proud white American. I don't know why you gotta say that shit. I have a tennis elbow from doing a samurai sword class.

Whatever. Boom. Oh my god. True story. You just made me a lesbian. He's going to be in every bar at Power Plant Live going, hey lady. Oh, this?

Sorry. Samurai sword. Are you really taking my class? You're never going to need that. They have guns now and everything. All right. When the zombie apocalypse happens and your gun runs out of

bullets, I'll be fucking boom, boom, boom! Still sharp! Boom! Zip, thump, boom! Oh, you're killing the zombies with your cock? That's good. Guys, be serious. Tennis elbow is why the samurai died out. That's true.

That's true. It's very true. It's true. That's true. It's very true. It's true. Applause break. Tom Cruise played a lot of tennis in The Last Samurai. Yeah. And then that's why they were able to... Remember at the end, he's just like, oh, fuck.

Just go ahead and kill me. Just hurts when I shake someone's hand. So we saw a movie on the plane, Graham and I. We saw Water for Elephants. Right here, someone went... Which is an elephant noise. That the weaker elephants make. Thump. Zip.

Elephant cock. But I thought it was a perfect plane movie because stuff happened and I watched it. Like, I like Reese Witherspoon is cute. Spoon. Witherspoon is cute. And what's his name is cute too. The Edward.

Robert Pattinson. Team. That was my vagina that just said that. I can't believe it. It's never spoken before. We have one more guest. Jeff Dunham is here. With his talking vagina.

His talking vagina Amy. Boy Amy, when we were in Chicago we really went to town on your vagina. We really talked about my puss a lot. A lot of how dry it was. I think someone called it desert storm. I think it's true. I think you're right Desert Storm. I think it's true. I think you're right.

Yeah. Yeah. I also called it the Depression-era Dust Bowl. You did. You know, I haven't been hit on since that shit dropped. And I'm talking again about my vagina. But it's good to bring it back here to Baltimore. Where it's humid. I don back here to Baltimore. Where it's humid.

I don't want to change the subject, but can I do my impression of a Water for Elephants? Wait, what? Water for Elephants? You're going to do the whole movie? Here's what I imagine. Here's the plot. I'm so fucking thirsty.

And we've got to get rid of this elephant. What are we going to do? Water for elephants. What the fuck don't you get about that? Because most people will make that trade. Oh, a glass of water for an elephant? I'm in. He was doing a heartbeat.

Yeah, I'll totally hook you up. Yeah, those guys are salty. Amy, you were telling me in the Dirty Montana room She's been telling everybody. That you just did a motion picture with Steve Carell that'll be out someday.

That's right. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Steve Carell is good. out someday? That's right. Thank you. Steve Carell is good. You guys, you know what? Thank you. Now I talk about him more? Yeah. Okay.

I brought it up so we can immediately move on. Amy, you're moving with Steve Carell. Alright, back to Anthony. Water for... Let's go back to your impression. I did. It's called Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. And I'm in that shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. It almost makes up for my dad being in a wheelchair. Thank you. No, you guys have got... There's a really funny scene between Patton Oswalt and Rob Corddry. Don't tell them.

And then she walks by in the background. I'm in the back. And if they don't cut it out, I look right in the camera. And then you go, here's my vagina, zip, thump. What?

Wait a minute. Have you been recording my vagina? You can't stay out of it. Does your vagina have a zipper? Maybe it does. That's my business, okay? That movie's filming

in New York? It filmed in L.A. Really? Yeah. Why is Patton in New York? That's a different subject. It filmed in L.A. All right.

Patton's in New York for some reason now. Oh, yeah, he is. Well, he was in Montreal, so maybe he's... Probably took a plane or something. Right, right.

They got this whole updated system since the Oregon Trail. You're right, that's why he's there, because of a plane. If you had your phone right now, you could look that shit up. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna be in New York taping a couple episodes of my podcast, and Patton, I'm trying to get him to participate, because he'll be there at the same time. Great story.

Tell us more. Everyone's like, we're in Baltimore, asshole. Stick to the crowd you're actually in front of. And I will happily do that. Anthony, if they ever made a movie about Donald Trump, who do you think would play you in the scenes from the Trump roast? Good question. Or should we start with Graham

and then Amy and then you? Wait, who I would cast as them? No, who would play you? Who would play me? If I couldn't play me, I'd love to be able to give Graham the work. You know? Graham doesn't mean Jesselnik. play me, I'd love to be able to give Graham the work. Graham doesn't mean Jesselnik.

It's not as good as mine, but it's pretty good. Amy, who do you think should play Anthony in the movie of Donald Trump's life? I guess Stephen Hawking would best capture Mr. Jesselnik. Just, you know,

mostly ego, no action. That's what I'm going to say. Mostly ego. No action. That guy solved the universe. What? I think it's because they have the same voice. Yes, that too. We have the same cadence. That too.

Anthony, do one of your jokes, but with his robot voice. Just to see what it would sound like. Pick any joke, and then go... I'm sorry, you guys, if I'm in a bad mood today. I just had to put my dog down yesterday. Couldn't resist. You should do it like that from now on. Like an alien.

You should do, I'm going to do my next joke as... I just had like a breakthrough. I'm like when Louis Black started yelling You all are going to be there We were there the night Anthony decided to do his whole voice His whole acting robot voice Handicapped robot voice

Because he is a handicapped robot He prefers retarded I brought it up because I think Justin Bieber should play you. I think that would be perfect casting. You think Justin Bieber should play everything, Doug? You're obsessed. I do. Yeah, you are obsessed.

I think Justin Bieber should have gotten the Steve Carell role in that movie that Amy is in. Rise of the Planet of the Apes. All of it. As one of the apes on the roof with a stick Now you need a fucking samurai sword Am I goddamn right? Not if you got tennis elbow buddy That's like the worst

That's like Gift of the Magi What are you gonna do with that sword When your elbow's all tennised out You know what you need is a fucking tennis racket A racket A sharp one No man, just get the strings tight tennised out. You know what you need? It's a fucking tennis racket. A racket. You need a racket. A sharp one? Yeah.

No, man. Just get the strings tight. I am drunk. Just fucking cheese grate their heads? Yeah. Oh, you would fuck monkeys up.

You got tight strings. It's a perfect weapon. And you can make spaghetti. That's how Agassi broke up with Brooke Shields. That's how Agassi broke up with Brooke Shields. I actually planned to say that joke before I came out here. That's true. God, we've been working so hard.

Wow, yeah, it took a long time to get to the tennis talk, but you made it happen. A lot of setup. Either in theaters now or classics or something you've you know seen recently on DVD

let's go down the line starting with Graham recommend something to the nice folks well I cannot recommend enough the movie 13 Assassins oh what a surprise

I was gonna fucking say that I was gonna say that shit boom great movie boom I talked about it on here it's awesome. Worst high five ever.

Just happened over my head. Hi. You saw it. You saw it too. I love 13 Assassins. So great. I thought Assassins 1 through 5 were kind of weak, but holy shit, does it pick up in Assassin 6.

Gets out of control. Have you actually seen it, Amy? Yeah, I loved it. It was really hard to get through the first 20 minutes, as all revenge films are. And then I loved it, yeah. I got over my hatred of Asians, and I... Why are you looking around? We're in Baltimore.

Oh, there's one. Hi. I'm kidding. I love you. I love you. I don't think that guy's Asian. That's a great new kids book here in Baltimore. Where's Asian? Where's Asian? Just pick one out of the crowd. They got everybody here.

They got all kinds here. Really? I went to college here. I went to Towson. Yeah. All right. Just the people I slept with applaud. Thank you, ma'am.

Somebody goes, go cats. We're the tigers. I don't know what. Go pussy. Do you have a recommendation, Amy? Don't go to Towson. I'm kidding. I loved it.

I got a Bachelor's in Theater and HPV. Thank you. I would like to recommend the movie Crazy Stupid Love. Okay? One girl. I know it was really funny. I saw it. I thought it was really funny.

Yeah, you can get over the whole love thing. Who'd you see it with? Myself. You had to go alone? In my defense, there was a schizophrenic sitting right next to me, so I kind of saw it with a group of friends. But yeah, I saw it alone. I think

it's good. I mean, I'm allowed to say that. And I think Captain America was dog shit. Fuck you. Dog shit? Fuck you. Dog shit. Captain America, I got tested for AIDS right after seeing that movie.

Because I was sure that it gave it to me. It came back positive, right? It came back, I do have AIDS. I do have AIDS. But that was just the written test. You still have to go back in. She still has to go back in.

Waiting for the other results. But they were pretty sure. They were pretty confident based on my answers. You got to go back in and give them a chunk of your vagina. I did that. But it regenerates. Never mind, let's just keep it. It regenerates.

I have a regenerative vagina. Test it. An RV, hop in. Ooh, and Conan can't stop. What would I like to recommend, Anthony? Let me rephrase that. Do you have anything you'd like to recommend? I would say, you took mine, 13 Assassins was mine.

An hour of setup, and then an hour of 13 guys battling against tennis elbow. And it's a vicious battle. I'm here to fucking tell you guys, all right? Honestly, if you had done the zip, plop, boom, or whatever,

it would have been the greatest thing of all. I was setting you up. I like alley-ooped it from like half court to you. And it didn't get like a huge laugh because they were waiting

for you to just grab it and slam it home. I got bored when every time I hear your voice, I go to sleep. So I just couldn't do anything. Wait a second. Yeah, I can imagine. You fall asleep sitting up every time you hear Anthony's voice?

Let's try it. I do it with yours, too. I'm sorry. You were saying something. I'm sorry. I would recommend Conan O'Brien Can't Stop. I saw that. Oh, yeah, that's good.

All right. Nice. Yeah, it's very funny. It's very funny. It's a side of Conan that I wish was his only side. I wish that on his show he would punch the guests and give everybody a really

hard time and be really meanly sarcastic. He's a delight. He's a delight backstage. He's very funny on stage but boy that backstage stuff is good you want to take a second try to readjust your career

I'm complimenting him on his off stage persona and how much I enjoyed it great you just wanted to fucking hug the guy yeah he's very enjoyable in that movie so check it out on I guess on DVD it's probably doesn't have a huge so check it out on, I guess on DVD. It's probably going to have a huge theatrical release.

It's on Channel 1000 on demand. They don't get that here. Yeah, that's not a real thing. Sorry. Here they only get BBC One, BBC Two, and BBC Four. It'll come around. That's all they get in Baltimore. Shall we play a game?

Yes! This is a great new game that you guys haven't played yet. Wait, real fast. I just want to say, I just looked down at your notes and you literally have the notes Anthony Justin Bieber. Yeah. Yeah.

I had the, who do you think should play you? And then I think Justin Bieber. I thought that was just like, you were like, got it. That's all that's written on that piece of paper. You're the Justin Bieber of comedians who comb their hair differently than he does. You fucked Selena Gomez. Compliment.

Do you think Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are fucked? Yeah, she's at least caught a couple fingers Let's be real Oh my god, that was Doug's actual dick That was his actual His penis Oh Selena, I want to put some fingers in you No problem, zip

Oh my god He keeps his fingers in his pants. I can't believe his fingers. Zip. He has to unzip his fingers. I think they've had sex. I think they've had anal. I should think about this on my own time. This girl, I just saw this girl in the audience

really physically alarmed by that. She went, what? Think about it. I bet you're right about the anal though. anal is the new right is the new vagina that's not god's hole no but i mean selena fucked justin with a strap on in the ass like she that's possible you fucking hard like pull this weird fucking hair and fuck him so i'm gonna get out of here uh get out of here.

Grim. Alright, here's the new game that we're going to play in front of all these nice people who waited for an hour. Hour. Thank you. It's a whole hour. It's a Coke habit.

Let me ask this though. What the fuck else would you have done? Let me ask this though. What the fuck else would you have done? Shark Week is a viable... Shark Week. That was correct. You can Tivo. It's better later. Thank you for coming out.

Air sharks. Holy shit. Air fucking sharks. Most of my fans don't leave the house during Shark Week. They jump. Shark Week. What are you doing, Stoney? Shark Week. How bad do you want to see one of those guys just get eaten by a fucking shark?

Right? I'm like, please, kill this guy. Are we winning the game? Say what? Are we winning the game? So far, you're in the lead. Okay, good. Damn it.

The game is called Name a Movie. All right. Yeah. Sharkwick. Sharkwick. That's not a movie. The Wire. What we do is we go, see, you know how to do it.

But also you're not playing. Lady in the front row was like, the liar! Is that even a movie? She said the wire! Oh, the wire. That's not a movie. You look good, girl. I was joking around when I said it was a movie before. So...

Yeah, FYI, Doug was not being serious when I said that. This isn't the serious factory. Doug was not being serious when he said that. This isn't the serious factory. Classic. Classic. Yeah, it's some old school shit.

I like looking out of the crowd seeing the girlfriends that got dragged here by the guys with the Doug habit. Like this girl does not want to be here. Now, Amy, you brought up a serious point I think a lot of ladies enjoy I know they do I know they do

shut up I know they do but then there's a handful that are like why and I like looking at those girls let's figure that out though because I'm curious about that. Let's do it. If you're a

young lady or an older woman. Or a child. Possibly a toddler. Who got dragged here by a man of some sort. What? Some man. Some type of male creature.

Some type of man. in a humanoid body. It's one testicle. If a ship shifter took you to this club, if you're that person, if you've never listened to the podcast, you like movies, okay, but you're not that into it, but your boyfriend dragged you here,

applaud right now. Okay. How many of you actually like Katherine Heigl movies? Your boyfriend dragged you here. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause.

Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause.

Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause.

Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause.

Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause.

Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause.

Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. Applause. . Applause. Applause.

Applause. Applause Great Catherine Heigl movie. The best. That movie is sick. Because she's supposed to be 15 in it, right? People can't help but yell out Gerard. Yeah, well, that's good, too. Under Siege 2 is good, too, but... Under Siege? But my father, the hero, Gerard Depardieu. Depardieu. Gets upset because she has a bathing suit that just goes straight up her ass.

It's in her asshole. It's fucking up there. Heigl hole. And I am... Her heigl hole. And I am watching and working it. Me too. You just walked that woman.

It was a very sexual debut for that young lady. And she was what? Nine years old? Gorgeous. Gorgeous. She was nine playing 14 was what? Nine years old? Gorgeous. Gorgeous. She was nine playing 14. Yeah, but still. What an asshole. Polanski came by the set,

gave the thumbs up. What a great hole. Alright, here's the game, you guys. Great hole. Is there still an audience here? Oh! What an audience here? Oh! What an audience! Thank you so much for staying up late with us.

The show's going to go until 2 a.m. We're not stopping the show until everybody in here gets samurai elbow. Are you with me? Are you with me? The Asian guy's turning on you. You can't just chant the name and think no one's going to know. It's still Tennis Elbow, man.

It's Tennis Elbow. Samurai Elbow. You probably got that playing with your fucking Wii. Oh. Yeah. If Wii is a Japanese name for a 30-inch katana that I keep in my scabbard, then yes. Those aren't real words, Graham.

You've totally what it is. You have vacuuming elbow. That's what it is. Because I vacuum my cock. Suck it. Oh, Eureka! That's really far. That's so far from your body, what you're doing.

But your hands, it's like this. It's like a small hole. It's like a monkey cock. It's 15 inches long, but it's literally like a pool cue. Talk about things I don't want to get involved in. And you gotta put chalk on the end of it. Hey, I'm already off board. Off board.

Hey, guys, keep the visual humor to a minimum. Oh, and the non-humor to a minimum. So, ow! Hey! Here's the game. It's called Name a Movie.

Name any movie. Yeah. Not you. What movie did you say? No. Hey, just so you guys know, the games are going to be played by the people on stage.

I know you had to wait like an extra couple hours for this to start because we were late. So I know you're extra drunk and drunk people love to yell out answers during the Leonard Mullen game. And then those same people love to yell out answers during the Leonard Maltin game. And then those same people love to get my tennis shoe in their face.

Whoa! I get really mad. I'm an angry nerd when that happens. A whole new side of you. I was in Richmond, Virginia, and the answer was Spider-Man 3. And some lady yelled out, Spider-Man 3.

And I went out into the audience, reached into her vagina, and took out all Spider-Man 3. And some lady yelled out, Spider-Man 3. And I went out into the audience, reached into her vagina, and took out all of her future babies. Whoa! Doug! That's a true story, you guys. True story. It's like the karate adult.

She's barren now, so if you don't want to be barren... Can you imagine if you could reach in and pull them all out Like you're gutting a pumpkin or something I went to school here There will be a line around the block of girls who want that done to them Trust me Excuse me, Mr. Benson I heard you could take all of my babies out of me

Huge fan Would you mind squeezing my ovaries to death? And then putting them on a tin and salting them and cooking like pumpkin seeds? I like the Halloween theme, Graham. I want to get ready for the season, you guys. Hi. I just like putting them on a tin. Let's put them on a tin.

That sounds cute. That is cute But you're talking about some lady's ovaries This game sucks Come on My phone is What happened to my phone No my phone is over there being recharged

I have absolutely no track of time So we might be here for a while How would you ever have track of time You fucking idiot Oh my god I have absolutely no track of time, so we might be here for a while. Yeah, how would you ever have track of time? You fucking idiot. Oh, my God. I know. Why don't I just look out the window at the sun?

No, that's Drew Carey. What time is? What time do you think it is right now? I would say 9.45. What time is it? 9.56. 9.56, idiot. You are wrong, you piece of shit. Get it together.

Pull out his fucking ovaries Doug He fucking fucked it up Cook him on a tin Let's get that guy up here That just said that Stand up that guy Stand up We can't see you you're in the back cause you got here late Cause you don't have a job and you suck shit.

Why don't you walk up further? Wait a second. I have to back up a bit. Why would someone who doesn't have a job get here late? I don't know. Because they're lazy. He's really stoned? Oh, okay.

Sorry. You're great. I love you. He was at home going Whee I'm stoned I'm not yelling out insults Just going whee

Boy what did he yell He yelled out that your shirt was too tight My shirt's too tight But he's wearing a fucking farming shirt I mean I guess I'm pretty ripped man But shit What Oh you're a farmer

What do you farm Cock I like Graham's answer I'm a cock farmer What? Oh, you're a farmer? What do you farm? Cox. I like Graham's answer. I'm a cock farmer. Grow about 58 acre of head a day. Alright, here's the game.

Jesus Christ. Later that same night... Fucking flew across the country for this bullshit. Christ. Later that same night. Fucking flew across the country for this bullshit. Graham, please do not say out loud what I am thinking. It's Wednesday night here in Baltimore, so you guys don't have anything to do tomorrow

Wait the cock farmer's gotta get up early That's right Cock-a-doodle-doo Rotate those dick fields I just can't wait until after the show When I can see this guy's t-shirt Yeah What do you got on like a fucking Ray Lewis jersey

Like a triple XL It's a short sleeve pod. Got your pants down on your knees. Fucking thugging out. Stop describing my fantasy. All right. I'm going to change the subject for one brief second. All right, movies.

Somebody in this room, who were you? Admit who you were. Someone in this room tweeted that it's too cold in here. All right, that was me. Who were you? Admit who you were Someone in this room tweeted That it's too cold in here Who was that? That was not you Is it really? I'm fucking sweating

He's right there Dude you're wearing an undershirt What the fuck are you? Sir you're wearing a tube top Now Sir you're just naturally cold Which means that you're almost gonna you're about to die

oh my god when you feel that chill it means it's over he's chilly you're done he's chilly we're in Baltimore on a very fucking hot night

and it is not cold in here I've hardly sweated more I'm cold this girl over here just said I'm cold are you sitting under here just said, I'm cold. Are you sitting under a fan or something?

Because I would love to sit there. If you're in a spot that's too cold, I will take that cookie, and I will take your spot. Are you under a fan or something? Oh. Jesus. There's an issue with the cookie lady.

I see more Asians. That was a joke before. That was not my real feelings. Oh, yeah, yeah. She was kidding around. She loves Asians. Love them. Are you kidding me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's had three or four abortions with Asians. Yeah. If those... No, they were Asian babies. No, the babies came out Asian. I said, kill that shit. The doctors were Asian.

You're right. The doctors were Asian. I said kill that shit. The doctors were Asian. You're right. The doctors were Asian. Let's not get crazy. Can I ask you a really personal question, Amy? I've never had an abortion. That wasn't what I was going to ask you. But I probably would have when I was living here. What was the question?

My question was, what do you think? Oh, come on. Who gives a shit? It's just that farmer. Have you ever made love to an Asian? Okay. Don't answer. We have the answer. Somebody goes yes, and then a guy went no.

I'll answer. I thought we were making love, but after he told me, we were just fucking. I know, it's sad, right? No, I never fucked an Asian. I would. I saw a guy in Guys and Dolls once. He was in the cast. He was Asian. I was like, he could eat it.

That's it. That's the answer. What do you want? I've never fucked an Asian, but I would, sir. Wait, who did he play in Guys and Dolls? Nathan Detroit? Guys, come on. Doug made a sweet racist joke. That was a good racist joke.

Oh, nobody's going to show up for the racist. That was a specific racist reference. That was a great joke. I'm behind it. There's no Guys and Dolls fans here tonight. You guys are missing out. Here's how this game works. I'll fuck any Asian in here.

Yeah. Yeah, that girl. That girl. Do you work here? Sorry. Do you work here? Yeah. Yeah, that girl. That girl. Do you work here? Sorry. Do you work here? Yeah.

Do you want to have sex with a hissure? Why is she walking away? She's just walking around like... Everyone has HPV. I don't know what she's doing. She's a waitress, for Christ's sake. What do you mean? Well, she should be, like, getting more drink orders. You guys don't want anything?

You're good? All right. Oh, everybody's had too much. I'm drunk. I love that. Here's a guy right over there. Hook him up. All right, I think your phone is charged up.

All right, I think your phone is nice and charged up. Full battery. If I weren't going to be on a desert island alone, I'd bring an Asian, I think. going to be on a desert island alone. I'd bring an Asian, I think. Because every night while you're there you would want to eat Chinese. I'd want to eat...

Oh! How has this gotten so far off topic? The point is, my shirt is not too tight. That is the point. That's the fucking point. I'm a size large, motherfucker. That's how I do business. Anyway, welcome back to Doug Loves

shirts that are not too tight. Here's the game. You guys, one at a time, just the three people on stage besides me, one at a time, you the three people on stage besides me, one at a time, you will have to name any movie. But you only have two seconds,

and if you don't name some movie, or if you repeat a movie that's already been named, you're out. The Last Dragon is one of my favorite movies I've ever even seen. That's a great movie. Shown off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shown off. Right? All right, sorry. Two movies. Vanity is awesome in that movie. It's sexy great movie. Show enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Show enough. Right? All right, sorry. Two movies. Vanity is awesome in that movie. It's sexy. Yeah, so sexy. So we say a name of two movies.

What? What are you talking about? We're supposed to say a name of two movies? Well, it's your turn. Name any movie. Any movie. But you've got to name any movie, and it moves fast. All right?

We'll start with Anthony. Go. Donnie Darko. Donnie Darko's a movie. Go, Amy. Okay. We'll start with Anthony. Go. Donnie Darko. Donnie Darko is a movie. Go, Amy. Windy City Heat. Iron Giant. Windy City Heat?

Yeah. That's like my favorite movie. Aren't we just naming movies? Any movie. Graham says Iron Giant. Go, Anthony. Godfather. American Pie.

Star Wars. Howard the Duck. Big Lebowski. The Godfather 2. Godfather 3 Heathers What's a Pot of Time in America Goodfellas

Last Unicorn Serpico Nightmare on Elm Street Nixon Dick One What'd you say? I said dick

Oh That's a movie, Dick Go, Anthony One Friday the 13th, Part 7, The New Blood Two Amy American Psycho Afghanistan Friday the 13th, part 7, The New Blood. Amy.

American Psycho. Afghanistan. That's your movie, you piece of shit. You piece of shit. Anthony, go. Friday the 13th, part 8, Jason Takes New York. Amy. Windy City Heat. That's the same movie. You're out.

Graham. Planet of the Apes. That's a movie. Anthony. Goodfellas. Graham. Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. That's a movie. Anthony. Goodfellas. Graham, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Did I already say it? Oh, he said that already?

Graham is the winner! Graham's presenting himself with the mic. Oh, no. Graham doesn't drink. Oh, no. Are you allowed to have one on the job? Can you have one right now on the job? Oh, she's Asian.

Is she Asian? What kind of Asian? They just brought us a round of shots. Graham doesn't drink, but Amy and Anthony and I do. Japanese. I'm sorry we didn't know. What was that? Is this the Dr. Pepper?

That was It's what? Tawaka Tawaka That was delicious It was so good I think I'm gonna become an alcoholic I thought I thought it was

Tawaffle That chick hates all of us Did you She hates us I really love Asian people I thought it was to waffle. That chick hates all of us. She hates us. I really love Asian people. Too late. Tip your way, Steph. What did you think of Platoon, Amy?

I'm glad we're talking about this. I liked Platoon. I liked Platoon. I thought, you know, feel-good movie of the... Oh, sorry. That's okay. Did you guys just get your checks or something? No.

Okay, we're good, we're good. No, we're just watching you take shots. That's why we got quiet. Yeah, I just assumed things got quiet because in a comedy club, the checks come out at some point, and it's very hard to laugh and do math at the same time.

You never see somebody doing their taxes. Ha, ha, ha, carry the seven. You've never seen that? Never. Never seen it. You gotta live your life, man. I was always watching my dad doing the taxes, and he was not laughing.

Sounds like an awful opportunity. Really? Does your dad shit himself in his wheelchair? Was that out loud? He shits himself. We're good. We're good. Phone's completely charged. Oh, yeah!

Give it up for electricity, everybody. That shot was a mistake. That shot was a mistake. And we have to end the show in two minutes. We do? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Jesus. I was just joking around.

Three minutes. Okay, you got it. What a weirdo. All right. Damn. What are you guys talking about? There's a bunch of people in the audience going, what the fuck is happening? And the answer is this.

Let's play Build-A-Title. Look at him look at you, Anthony. For you to blast it. I suck at all games Why isn't that guy facing us anymore Oh he's leaving to go to the bathroom I thought he was like on strike I'm against shots

That guy's going to take the dump of his life Live tweeted That guy's like oh my god It's going to be so great to tell people later I was with Doug's podcast taping And I took the biggest shit I was gone Doug's podcast taping and I took the biggest shit. I was gone for 20 minutes.

He's in the bathroom. He can hear us. I hated that guy. I'm just kidding. Keep her. What an asshole. I mean, that's a compliment. I can see.

He's a gorgeous asshole. He is a gorgeous asshole. He's an amazing asshole. I mean, that's a compliment. I can see. He's a gorgeous asshole. That he is a gorgeous asshole. He's an amazing asshole. You have a nanny cam in the men's room? He calls him an asshole cam. I like to watch people wipe their asses. It's a thing. Are you judging him for that? No, I think it's wonderful that he loves the human body in all of its forms.

How dare you be judging Judy? You fucking asshole. Too far. Tell me you're joking. I was like, Graham, Amy, Anthony, will you come to Baltimore with me for an idiot parade?

All right, let's get a suggestion from the crowd. Name a movie. Sheen, you name a movie. Nightmare on Elm Street. Bam. We'll start with Anthony. How does the game go? It's build a title.

The movie is Nightmare on Elm Street. You have to come up with... Now, you have to come up with a movie that starts with street... Or ends in nightmare. Or night. It could end in night. Ooh, I've got one. Can I start, please?

No, it starts with Anthony. But I've got a good one. No, he starts it. Stop, shut your fucking dumb face. Why are you... Don't... Nightmare on Elm Street, Car Named Desire.

Bam! Nightmare on Elm Street, Named Desire. So now, Amy, it goes to you. Oh, I guess they made a movie. It's a movie? Yeah, they made a movie. She's like, that's a play. Well, they made a movie of it.

Oh, yeah, they also made a movie. All right, it's Nightmare on Elm Street named Desire, so it has to begin in desire or end in night. Day and night. Day and night street. Oh, it has to be longer than that? No, no, no. Day and night Maranome Street.

Day and night Maranome Street named Desire. Yeah. Car named Desire. I'm drunk. Fuck you, farmer. All right. I'm drunk fuck you farmer alright so it's either day or desire I don't care I've chosen you to be angry at just accept yeah

day and night day and night okay oh oh Graham's whacking right now Monkey pool cue I described it for the home audience Longest day

Wait So what's the whole title Longest day Day and nightmare On Elm Street's streetcar named Desire. What? The movie's called Night

and Day. You fucked up. Me? You used to call the movie Day and Night for your own convenience, but it's actually called Night and Day. Too late. We moved on, so why don't you suck eight dicks? Maybe the farmer can hook it up, bring me over

a bushel. If you can't play anymore, just say, I don't have any answers, instead of trying to find a scapegoat like the fucking Nazis. Why I hated Captain America. You hated Captain America because you're a Nazi? They went, they went, how are we going to sell this

to all the Hollywood Jews? We'll make Nazis the villains. I'm a Jew. Suck a dick. Seriously. Seriously. Suck a dick. Zip.

Thump. Zip. Thump. Suck. You lost. You lost again. I didn't lose Z-T-S

It's been grand return for like 90 seconds Where have you been? Come on, go ahead Longest something, something, something Yeah, it's desire It's desire or longest Day and night, the Kid Cudi song We'll just let Amy slide, I guess She's got nothing else

No, she's out. Amy's out? I'm out in retrospect. Day and Night is the movie. It's called Night and Day. Thanks for letting me slide initially, you guys. It means a lot. Thanks for letting me slide initially

but then giving in to the facts. It was nice. They shit down my throat when I said Goodfellas twice. Don't tell these people what you're into. The audience is like, we paid to watch people argue. And yes,

you did. I like that Kid Cudi song, though. Day and night, right? And his new album is pretty good. Can I do this, Doug? Can I add a D to Desire? Because I'm pretty sure Desired is a movie. Is Desired a movie? Desired?

Those people are haters. I don't think there's a movie called Desired. What? I mean, there might be on Skinamax. Halle Berry has to have been in a movie called Desired. I feel like, doesn't that sound like... She was in a movie, she got Oscar nominated for Desired

and Raped. Ooh, good one. So that's a good point. Alright, that game was dumb. Let's move on. I just got fucking wasted. Let's move on to the game that everybody really came to hear about.

Pictionary! Pictionary to hear about. Pictionary! We're playing Pictionary. It's time for Pictionary. No, that's not it. It's time for the Leonard Malton game! Leonard Malton! Leonard Malton!

Live crap! I know what you're going with Holy shit Oh shit Oh these are awesome Here come the name tags Shit They're fucking awesome name tags If I could take a second

Graham If I could take a second To just say And you can agree with me Because you've done a lot of these live shows This is the best name tag This is a killer ass second to just say, and you can agree with me because you've done a lot of these live shows. This is the best name tag. This is a killer ass name tag group.

I want to say this because we obviously can't pick all these, so I want to list a few that are amazing. This guy has a Russell name, a Crab. Sarah's a fucking Skittles. This woman, Sharon, made a cookie cake. How are we going to say no to a cookie?

Emily. I got to get that. Ed. The cookie Jason. It lights up. These are amazing. These are amazing. These are like,

these are amazing game tags. You guys, someone actually has a Captain America shield in the back. Shane. That's a Shane on it! Do it!

You do it! Shane is G-S-I-E-N. H-H. H-S-I-E-N spells Shane. I want it, but that girl's got like a cookie. It's like on a cookie. Satan. But I really feel a connection to Sam.

If you're hungry, pick a name tag that's also food. If you need a legal pad. This is hard. That's not a real cookie, man. That's cardboard. Ed has a nice legal pad. There's a cookie over there. That guy Jason has a lighted thing.

Yeah, that's lit up. That's good. My brother's name is Jason. Jasonsteinmusic.com. I got to go with this gentleman because I said it on Twitter. Anyone that puts Palmstrike in their name tag, I'm going to pick them. Jeremy looks good. Come on up here, Jeremy.

No, no. Do we call them up or no? They just stay there? Well, it depends on who you get it. Who are you going? Who are you going? Take your pants off. Take your pants off. Take your pants off.

No, you get the cookie. Show Doug your butthole. Show Doug your butthole. I want to play for Jason. Come up here. I can't go out there. You got to pick the cake. You got to get the cake.

We want to eat that fucking cake. All right, I'll tell you what. Thanks, Jason. I'm between the cake and the crab. Yeah, you gotta hang on to that now, Amy. The crab is the only reason to come here. That's pretty good. Pick one.

That's pretty good. Okay, you gotta pick it. I gotta go with the cake, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah! You rule, Anthony! Oh, shit. Hey, you guys, seriously, give all yourselves a round of applause for all these amazing names. Fuck yeah! You rule, Anthony. Oh, shit. Hey, you guys, seriously. Give all yourselves a round of applause for all these amazing names.

Fuck yeah. You rule. You guys rule. Give all yourselves a round of applause. You guys absolutely are the best. Seriously, we've been to a lot of cities where you can tell the people just broke dick, wrote it on a bar napkin with their fucking urine or whatever. Yeah, you guys didn't write it on a bar napkin with their fucking urine or whatever. You guys didn't write it on a bar napkin

with urine. It's my brother's name. Holy shit, look at your cookie cake. Oh my god. I'm gonna eat the shit out of that cookie. Can we start eating this? That's unfair to stoners to make a cookie. We can eat it? Oh yeah, take a piece.

Anthony's got a giant cookie cake. Oh my god, this is the best And we're all hungry because we just Sharon We just flew in So we haven't had a chance to eat Seriously, this is my dinner, thank you so much Okay, this is fucking delicious

Oh my god, she poisoned it I will die for this Oh my god, Graham and Doug are dead. Doug Loves Movies will now be hosted by Amy Schumer and Anthony Jeselnik. We'll be taking all of Doug's theater dates. This is delicious.

Oh shit, Jason and I put the light out on the light bright. This is amazing. Hit the what? Oh my god. The yellow. Everyone knows but me.

I'm glad. I'm retarded. No, it didn't work. All right, let's fucking do this. Come up here, Jace face. I came here to fucking eat cookie cake and kick some ass and I'm almost at a cookie cake. Oh shit. Is it on? Is it on? It's on? They're'm almost out of cookie cake. Oh, shit! Is it on?

It's on? I'm feeding a girl your cookie cake. This girl at the side of the stage goes, feed me some cookie cake. No one gives a shit. I'm feeding Erica some of your cookie cake. Oh my god, she bit me! No, I'm kidding. Sharon.

Grandma and I are having cookie cake for dinner. This is our dinner. This is so good. Don't use her name to dip in. You gotta save that. I think of this as brunch. I'm gonna lick your name. Why'd you say that to me?

Because I've always liked the name Anthony. You guys. I've always wanted to sensually liked the name Anthony. You guys. I've always wanted to sensually blow the name Anthony. Not in a homosexual way. Welcome to your new ringtone, Doug. I'm getting cookie all over the mic. Oh my God.

What's yours, Saygram? Where's Sharon? I thought it said Treme. I'm getting cookie all over the mic. Oh, my God. Oh, what's yours, Saygrand? Where's Sharon? Where's Sharon? I thought that guy said... Holy shit. I thought it said Treme. Thank you, Sharon. But it's Jeremy Loves Palm Strikes. Oh.

Smart. Smart. You know what else Jeremy loves? Fucking pandering. Oh, come on. Come on. He's smart. He's smart.

The next show is going to be all cookies and palm strikes. That's what it's going to be. Make a fucking palm strike cookie, I'll marry you. Man or woman, I don't give a shit. Man or woman, I'll marry you. He will totally marry fuck you. And I'll let you punch me in the butthole. All right, really?

Sharon, you know what's up. Kind of like the thing you really wanted. Like a guy who buys condoms and buys a bunch of other shit in the grocery store to confuse it. And you're like, if you bring a cookie, I'll marry you and lay punch me in the butthole. Do you have a tiny fist? You could punch me in the butthole. I literally thought, I knew my blood sugar was going to crash. And I had a thick, thin protein bar up here.

But now I'm just having some fucking cookie. Oh, wow! It's totally cool. It's totally cool. Nobody worry. He's like the drunk dad that ruins your birthday as a kid. Yeah, I'm like Graham's dad. Exactly like my dad.

No, dad! Like it starts out It's the best day in the world Then he gets too drunk Fuck you I didn't get a cake when I was a kid You little cry baby And then he shits himself Maybe they hated you because every year you just ask for a t-shirt with some shit written on it Oh yeah that's true

I want a t-shirt with my name on it You do that every year, you piece of shit. Your brother never does that. He's a fucking job. Why do you think I'm a goddamn samurai? Thanks for bringing that up. Is your elbow okay?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm cool. That looked really bad. That's not even a good impression of his dad. No. Again, my dad has MS. So Anthony's playing for Sharon. I'm playing for Jason. I'm playing for Jason.

Amy's playing for Jason, who brought a fucking light bright. Light bright. I have a light bright T-shirt, J-Face. And he put all the pegs in to spell his name. Yep. Then he put an umlaut for no reason. Well, maybe he's from Madrid. And Graham, who are you playing for? Jeremy. Graham's playing for no reason. Then there's a new lot. Well, maybe he's from Madrid. And Graham, who are you playing for? Jeremy.

Graham's playing for his merch. I'm playing for my merchandise. After the show, guys, all major credit cards accepted. We'll be in the lobby. We'll autograph it for you. Anything you want. Jeremy, I'll give you a dollar off. Anyway,

who wants a Palm Strike shirt? Alright, so it's a good thing we brought some. So he's playing for Jeremy. Jeremy Spoken. Amy's playing for... I'm playing for Jason Stein Music.com. You're playing for Jason and the Argonauts.

And Anthony's playing for Sharon. Sharon, baby. I can't hear the name Sharon without thinking of Ozzy Osbourne. Sharon. Sharon. Sharon. My Sharon. No.

No. I nailed it. No. I nailed it. I nailed it. If you step on that cookie that cookie you're dead Don't fuck that cookie up I was opening up so I could eat more you dumb motherfuckers Fuck you That was a great song by the neck

My Sharon Let's play Lettermonk Let's do it Lettermonk Let's play who do you guys think is in a blackout. Let's play Letter Mountain game. Let's do it. Letter Mountain. That's so good. Let's play it. People have things to do tomorrow. No, they don't.

We have to get on a train and go to... Shout out to Jessica and Nicole Novak. I love you. Where are we going tomorrow, Graham? Oh, we're going to Boston. Boston. She's here. Who said boo? Boo. Boo're going to Boston. Boston. She's here. Who said boo?

Fuck beans. Fuck liberty. Alright, so let's start with Amy. Hello. I can name that cookie. In three bites. In one bite.

A one, a two, a three. Alright. Category me. Yeah. Here are your options. At Nate Wolfson suggested Lions, Tigers, and Bears. These are movies that have a lion, a tiger, or a bear.

Ooh. Or all of them. You're singing my song, that guy. Yeah, that guy. That guy. At something. At iLibertarian suggested Vanilla Ice. That's movies with either vanilla or ice in the title.

That's a good one. Yeah. And here's a classic. Robedian, at Robedian, suggested Joaquin Dead. These are movies where Joaquin Phoenix dies. Oh, that is awesome.

That's fucking awesome. Holy shit. So we'll start with you, Amy, and then we'll go to Anthony. Can you tell me what the first one was again? What? Lions, Tigers, and Bears. Oh, my. Which one of those would you like to hear?

Lions, Tigers, and Bears, Vanilla Ice, or Joaquin Dead? Let's go Joaquin Dead. Boom! What a great category. Let's do it, Comedy Factory! Wait, did we say what the prizes were? Oh, no, we haven't. Oh, my God.

Good call. Holy shit. Anthony's playing for Sharon. Amy's playing for Jason. And Graham is playing for... It keeps going out, Jason. Oh, yeah. Clearly, I remember.

Did you already have a labrador? Someone's going to win a Woot Monkey. Woot Monkey! Woot, there it is. Woot, there it is! Woot, there it is! Ow! Grandpa was going to shoot one in the crowd just for fun.

This is fun for everybody, unless your parents were killed by monkeys! Woot Monkey! Grant Wood Monkey Here it goes Boom To that guy Nice shot

To that possible Wood Monkey You guys haven't heard it yet But in Los Angeles we did a show Where someone had a baby in the audience. Like she had it while she was in the audience? No. No, she kept it in, but...

She held it in. But I was like, I'm going to try to hit the baby with my woot monkey. And I shot it and I nailed the target. I hit a baby. Yeah. I hit a baby. Everyone. I hit a baby. Everyone, the crowd goes wild for killing a baby. Yeah, it was brutal.

But also hilarious. So check that out on the internet. Also included in the prize package tonight, a copy of Doug Benson Professional Humoridian. Professional Humoridian. Professional Humoridian. Yeah, a copy of Graham Elwood. Comedians gotta boo boo!

Get it! That's the name of his CD. And then, wow, we all have CDs. Amy Schumer Cutting! Buy it! iTunes! Thought more than three people would clap. I just knocked my vodka tonic on the floor Oh my god

Maybe the girl who hates us We got another vodka tonic and a Miller Lite Yeah a vodka tonic and a Miller Lite What are you drinking Graham? A bottle of water would be delightful A bottle of water and Amy what are you drinking? I'm in a blackout Alright so bring her a shot of something

Mom? Anthony's Anthony Jesselnik CD Shakespeare Comedy album of the year All those CDs are available on iTunes iTunes you guys Show support

I've also brought a shirt that says Oh look at this It's Graham Elwood's face Graham Elwood's face it actually says that and it says hello junkie hello junkie yeah

you'll get one of those when I was at comic con I went to a Joss Whedon event and they gave out a little finger monster. Oh shit. Doug's gonna finger you with the finger monster. Justin Bieber

fingered Selena Gomez with that finger monster. I will put this in your vagina or your butthole depending on if you're a woman or a sexier woman. Pick a hole. Any hole. There's the Doug Loves Movies name tag. So that's all

the stuff you're going to win if somebody wins for you. If you're Sharon, Jason, or Jeremy. Jeremy. Graham loves school shootings. I saw. I'm a big fan.

It's my Sharon. That's so bad. How's Eddie Vedder doing my Sharon? Oh, that's good. GLSS. Oh, I thought this guy was coming up to hit you. Alright, I'm putting all the prizes back in the bag. Oh, in the bag!

I'm gonna answer. The bag that all these prizes come in is a recyclable you know, like you carry your groceries in it. And it says I heart zombies because it's an official not cool. It's an official

walking the dead. Graham's against. It's a walking the dead recyclable bag. How else are they going to go to the bathroom? That's why I'm a samurai. Watch the fucking Walking Dead you guys. It's real and it's happening in Atlanta right now. That's Graham.

I'm going to answer Leonard andton, then I'm going to pee so fast. Go for it. Go for it. Right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm the first player. Go, go, go. We'll be fine. Alright, well, I said pee, but what I really meant, and I'm just kidding. Do you have to

deliver a Christmas ham? You know what? I'm going to. What? Alright, we got this, Graham. We're professionals. have to deliver a Christmas ham? You know what? I'm going too. What? Alright. We got this, Graham. We're professionals. Actually, dude, I forgot something in my room. I gotta go. Okay. I got it.

I got it. No, I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I'm doing it. Let's do it, buddy. Come on. No, no. We're gonna wait for them to come back. Yeah. Podcast listeners, how many people... How many people here think that podcasts are too short okay someone just passed me a shot and went this is for amy and i took it went okay, good luck to that guy. See if that shot is going to do the trick.

A lot of girls will fuck you after one shot. Not Amy, but you know what I mean. So what's up, Graham? Not much. How are you doing, buddy? Oh, I'm doing all right. Remember when we were late today because we were on a flight that wouldn't fucking take off? United! United!

Suck it. Damn United. Let me just say this. Like, it's fun to say damn United because that's a movie about soccer. But also, like, every airline fucks up. And Graham and I fly in United a lot, and we've got a lot of miles, so they treat us very nice, but they still have, you know, fucked up flights from time to time. And we thought we could get from L.A. to Baltimore and then come do a show the same day, which is probably a little ambitious.

which is probably a little ambitious. But you guys are still here and we so appreciate it. We're doing it. It's happening. Doug, why don't you tell all the fans that you have a new comedy CD coming out. Oh, that's right. I have a CD, DVD.

She already knows it. It's called Potty Mouth. And it'll be out on August 31st. In all the places where you get comedy CD, DVDs. Yes. Yeah. And Graham, as long as we're,

you know, promoting stuff, will be hanging out with me and hopefully with Amy and Anthony after the show. We'll take photographs are free.

Yeah, photos, autographs are free. Autographs are free as we do at all of our shows. But if you want to buy a Palm Strike t-shirt, this will be your opportunity.

Yay. And we'll, and we'll sign the shit out of that. shows, but if you want to buy a Palm Strike t-shirt, this will be your opportunity. Yay! And we'll sign the shit out of that. We totally will. Amy's back. Welcome back, Amy. Thank you. I just dropped a ton of heat. Wait, wait, wait. What? You just dropped a ton of heat?

No, that's not what I said. Grow up. No, I wiped with my hands, bitch. No, what's that? I'm blacked out. I'm losing time like Sybil. Somebody bought this shot just for you. Wow. What's her name?

Where is she? No one will take credit for it. Thank you. But that's for you. Asian guy. No, that guy's not Asian. He's just like really tired. He's stoned.

I'm going to take it in intervals. I'm competing for Jason now. This is about us, Jason. Let's do it. We're starting our lives together. Let's go. Oh, my God. We have a show in Boston on Friday. Let's do it. We're starting our lives together. Oh my god. We have a show in Boston on Friday. Let's fucking do this.

Yeah, let's move on. I'm at the Pittsburgh Improv sometime in August. I'm drunk. I'm drunk. Check it out. It's like a Thursday. I'm doing New Year's Eve in Vegas, so you fucking assholes better be fucking ready. That's not what I sound like, you fucking...

That's made up. You get better than me. Graham, you made that up. Sit down. And Amy is going to be back. I will be in Pittsburgh. Check it out. Shannon's name.

No, Shannon. Now it's official. There's a lot of talk in the crowd because the checks did come. We ate the cookie and Sharon's cookie looks like heron. And as David Spade once said, people in the audience are like, who ordered the couch? David Spade said that? That's a great joke.

As the famous... Who ordered the couch? Who ordered the couch? Who ordered the couch? That's a big item to order and you want to make sure that you don't have to pay for it. When the check comes.

Why are you confused by that joke? When you order a couch with your friends and then try to see who has to pay for it? What the fuck? Sometimes. Which one of my stupid friends ordered a couch? I'm not paying for it. That is ridiculous.

I don't know who ordered it. Don't worry about it. You don't have to pay for it. Amy's paying for the couch. I'll pay for that fucking couch. Thank you. All right, so Anthony's playing for Sharon. Amy's playing for Jason.

Jason. Doug loves recapping People that are listening are like What's going on It's true Is everyone in the bathroom No one is listening Oh my god You'd be surprised

What's your twitter name Anthony At Anthony Jesselnik. You can get the whole thing in there? At Anthony Jesselnik. Anthony... There's no crazy way to spell that. J-E-S-E-L-N-I-K.

Yeah. Go to at Anthony Jesselnik on Twitter and say, I'm fucking listening, you stupid bitch. Hey, I'm a stupid bitch. Doug loves wasting everybody's time.

At Amy Schumer, please. It's just so far just my mom. Also, while you're at it, write to Amy Schumer and say, I like you, you're nice. And then write to at Graham Elwood and say...

Samurai Apocalypse is your hashtag. Anything you say about me. Samurai Apocalypse. Figure out how to spell it. I'm not your fucking congressman. Come on. I don't know. Comedy Film Nerds.

Comedy Film Nerds. Yeah, there you go. Comedy Film Nerds is the name of Graham's podcast. Han shot first. Yeah, Han did shoot first. That argument is... Walking Dead. Wait, so wait a minute, Doug.

I'm confused. Who are we playing for? Graham, you're playing for... Jeremy Spoker. I'm playing for the Jews. One specific Jew named... Jason. Jason.

Jason's on. And Anthony's playing for the... The lovely Sharon. Sharon. The cookie lovers. Named Sharon. Sharon. Aaron.

Good luck. Please don't yell out answers if you think you know it. Now we're being for real. All of my tour dates are listed at douglosmovies.com This show needs to end within seven minutes. Seven and a half minutes. I'm going to win it in four.

You guys need to get back out into Power Plant Live. Yeah. We're a block away from the grossest strip clubs in America. Power Plant Live is where

all the characters from The Wire get together to go, watch out. There was like one scene at Power Plant Live. It was Idris Elba. It's pronounced Idris. Why are you laughing at Idris Elba? You have to use a Castilian lisp. How do you think it's pronounced Idris. Why are you laughing at Idris Elba? You have to use a Castilian lisp. How do you think it's pronounced? Idris?

Idris? Idris? Where are you going? It's a fucking I at the beginning. All right, I'll take your word for it. I'll take your word for it because you guys are... You hung out with him. Idris Elba. I met that motherfucker.

He's sexy. He is so sexy. I mean, he's pretty good. Alright, here we go. He's so... Are you using your notes in your iPhone right now? Why are you looking at your phone, Anthony?

Anthony's brainstorming while we're up here bringing our fucking A game. I'm sorry, I thought of a roast joke and I wanted to write it down. You thought of a roast joke for who? For the fucking Charlie Sheen roast. Anthony will be roasting Charlie Sheen on September 10th. Yeah! If, if... Anthony's going to be roasting Charlie Sheen.

If, and this is a big if, if I can get out of here in time. I got your first line for Charlie Sheen, if you don't mind me suggesting something. As long as it's also your last line, period. I won't say anything again after this. I will become mute for the rest of time. You should go out and go,

Hey, Charlie Sheen, why are you such a piece of shit? Goals. Yeah, your father seems pretty cool. And your brother seems alright. Why are you such a fucking asshole? I loved Repo Man. And then walk out. Yeah, guys, that's really clever.

Just say, you were good at Ferris Bueller and then I fucked a goat and went to sleep. Is that a twist ending on my joke? What are you saying? What the fuck are you saying? Oh my god, I can't handle this anymore. You should say, I bet your father wishes he'd beaten you instead of cancer.

Cancer. There's no one that's ready to be more offensive than Amy Schumer. You're always knocking it all apart. I love you. It's all for you guys. I love you. The six of you clapping.

I love you and Anthony and Graham, and this is great. What a cunt. That's the title of my second album. Your first one's called Cutting. Cutting, iTunes. Yeah, more like hunting. What's your problem? I hope you get diabetes from your cookie.

That wasn't racist yet. I hope you get diarrhea from AIDS. Because I don't really want you to have AIDS, but I do want you to have a diarrhea. I like diarrhea. Is anybody here? Who's here? There's no audience.

There's no audio. Everyone has left, and we're just in a vacant warehouse in downtown Baltimore waiting for Snoop to show up. Honestly, you should have seen the mood in the bathroom. It is like the fucking Holocaust in there.

Not good in there. It's like they're not standing in the urinal, they're standing in the shower. He means it doesn't exist. There's people back there. How can I get on the list? Alright, this is ridiculous. Leonard Maltin.

Does anybody sitting close to the stage, would you enjoy some Sharon? Please. Come up here and eat Sharon. Eat some of this. Yeah, have some. Not all of it. Yeah, have some. Not all of it. Yeah, it's not yours to keep.

Jesus Christ. Scavengers. I'm good. I never touch this stuff. He's like, I'll take the whole thing and then get it delivered. Oh, look at you with the strange. Yeah, right. The guy with the pot leaf went right for the cookie.

Everyone who's hiding is running right up. Alright, so here we go. Sharon, is that the first time six guys have eaten you? Walking Dead. Walking Dead to Amy. What is... Jesus Christ.

My answer is Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I saw Joaquin Phoenix once. Oh, she wants some. Get it, get it. Get it. Hi, girl. What's up, girl? Rub it on your...

It's some girl-on-girl cookie eating. Oh, shit. Seriously, somebody come up here, grab some cookie, and then rub it on your vagina. Seriously, somebody titty-, grab some cookie, and then rub it on your vagina. Or not. Seriously, somebody titty fuck that cookie. Seriously.

I'm sorry anyone wants to hear this. Ma'am, you look... This has turned into the worst office birthday party of all time. Or the best. Might be the best. This is a recipe for rape. Everything is if you fucking mix it enough. That's true.

All right, let's do it. Didn't make any sense, but fucking table one is going nuts. This table is like on board. They're tripping right now. They're an asset. Let me just tell you ahead of time. If you go on the recipe for rape website, It's Chris Hansen. And he's coming to your

house. So don't fall for it. Good reference. Thank you. Why don't we play some Leonard Moulton game? Leonard Moulton! Jason! Why the hell not? Alright, I'm taking Why don't we play some Leonard Maltin game? Leonard Maltin! Jason. Why the hell not?

Alright, I'm taking a photo and I'm putting it on Twitter. Bing, bang, boom. Twitter. Twitter. At Graham Elwood. Tweet that shit. I just drove over an old man in my car.

I'm gonna tweet that shit. What was Joaquin Phoenix's movie he did? The one he just did? What? Oh, wait, we shouldn't say it anymore. Walk Hard. He's not in Walk Hard. I'm Still Here was dope.

It was fucking hilarious. I'm still here was dope. It was fucking hilarious. I just want to say that. Hey, if you guys want to take off, go for it. No. We're all in this together. If this is dragging on for too long, you're like, what the fuck is happening? Go ahead and leave.

This is for the people that want to be here until tomorrow. We're all in this together, motherfuckers. Can you feel the tension right now? People are like, oh, my check came back already. No, they're like, this is bigger than all of us. Come on. This really is special.

All right. We're going to have a huge key party. What happened? Yeah. Joaquin Dead. Joaquin Dead. Yeah. For 500, Alex.

What the fuck? Just do the thing. We're still on Joaquin Dead? I picked Joaquin Dead. Marijuana's a hell of a drug. Okay, Amy. Yes, sir. We'll start with you.

First of all, it's an honor. You're welcome. Thanks. Then we'll go to Anthony. Jason. Jason Stein music. Leonard Maltin gives this movie two and a half stars.

Leonard never lies. The year is 2000. And Leonard's 100. He says about this movie that the lead performer gives a delicious performance. So useless. Shut up! Don't say anything. Shut up!

Don't say anything! Shut up, you motherfuckers! I already know it. You're going to ruin this for me. I don't know what's happening Oh my god Well I guess I handled that problem If anyone wants more sharing cookie,

please come up and grab some. Hey, Chase. Some of those last rude people. I'm sorry I yelled. Don't apologize. You're right, you're right. After you kill your opponent as a samurai, you never apologize.

Yeah, after you kill your opponent as a samurai, you put your fucking arm in ice, you pussy. But at least they're dead! That's true, that's true. I do put my arm in ice. In an ice pussy. You said you weren't going to call it that again, Graham. A big frozen ice pussy.

I go zip, slide. Sounds ideal. This dude has a warrior shirt on. That's fucking awesome. That's an awesome shirt. Warriors come out to play. Yeah, eat that shit. It is four in the morning, ladies and gentlemen.

On Sunday. You've all been fired. Everyone that's hungry, come get a piece of cookie. Just so you know, there's LSD in this cookie. You're cooking the big head, Sharon. That's right. That's right, security.

That's what I'm talking about. Security here is hot. Security. That's what I'm talking about. Security here is hot. Security. FYI. Because normally they would have clocked out already and he needs some nutrition to keep the show going.

Is that a John Waters mask? That's awesome. And a Ray Gunn Robin. Ray Gunn Robin. Oh my god. And then that guy. Sogun Robin. Oh my God. And then that guy. So here we go. Leonard Ball.

Oh, it's up to me. How many names do you want to guess it in? Say the clue again. I'm sorry. It was year 2000. Joaquin Phoenix dies in it. Yeah, and he described it as... The lead actor gives a delicious performance.

That's it? That's it. How many names? I can name it in... How many names? I almost fell off the stage. Is that what just happened? Let me give you the number of names.

Okay, that's not your fault. It's a very narrow stage. This show is going to be the best episode if you are here. If you are here. If you were here. If you were here. I love you guys. Love.

Anyone who was not here was going to be like, God damn it. They're going to ask for their money back. 99 cents. This one's just for you guys. Yeah.

How many names? There are seven names Alright, seven names Amy, what do you think you can do? I can name it in six names Six, she says Graham

I will go five I can name it in zero names Oh shit! I can name it in zero names oh shit oh shit Amy Amy it's on you Amy

you go negative names you can say name that movie. Negative 12? What's wrong with you? You think you can do negative what? I could go negative. Wait, you already said your thing. What did you say, zero? She said zero.

Don't listen to the rest of that. I can name that movie in negative one name. Oh, shoot! Amy Schumer named that movie? No! I can't really. All right, so are you challenging me to name the movie? Yeah, can Anthony just name it?

Oh, no, no. It's on you. It's on you. I have to say an actor, right? Yeah. Name the movie and an actor. Clay Pigeons? No.

Okay. What was it? It's Quills and Jeffrey Rush. Did you know it was Quills? No way. No way you knew. Anthony, you knew it was Quills. Honestly, I would have said Gladiator.

But you still made her name it, right? Yeah, so you got the point. Anthony has a point. it right Anthony has a point Graham has a point I would have had a point settle down do you think I saw quills what am I some sort of a make sure Doug and I get to the powwow

festival on Saturday to open for 311 that's my one goal to make sure that happens I get to the Pow Wow Festival on Saturday to open for 311. That's my one goal. So make sure that happens. I hope we make it. Make some noise, Quills fans. You guys go to QuillCon this year? You guys go to QuillCon? So Graham's got one point.

Did you think Clay Pigeons was a good guess? What did you think, Doug? Yeah, Clay Pigeons was a good guess. That was not bad, right? Yeah, Clay Pigeons made a diet. That was a great guess. I like that movie. Yeah, nice. Except he lives in Clay Pigeons. Oh good guess. That was not bad, right? I like that movie. Except he lives in Clay Pigeons.

Oh, right. Dumb bitch. People like me. They're turning on you. They've turned on a lot of things. Yeah, that's true. They're still trying to figure out their checks. They don't care.

Alright, so I blew it. Graham's got a point. Yeah, Graham has a point. So now it's Anthony's turn, correct? We'll start with Anthony and then we'll go the opposite direction. So it comes to Graham next after Anthony. I want to again say that I'm in a blackout. Anthony, you get to pick a category.

Kevin Smith recently celebrated a birthday. By what? Eating? That wasn't even that clever, I feel like. But you get where I'm coming from. Burning bridges on the town. I think he probably

ate something on his birthday. Burn, burn bridges. He didn't fast on his birthday So Kevin Smith Then I Libertarian suggested Vanilla Ice Yeah, that's movies that have vanilla or ice in the title

And then we'll go back a little bit In the past of the show Almost Famous. Yeah. That's movies that star or feature Edward James Olmos. Who is that? Who is that? The Latino guy with the Dane Cook skin?

Yeah. Wow. That's fucking outstanding. God bless you, Anthony Jazzelnik. I gotta get those bridges back. Get the bridges back up. Oh, it's tremendous. That was fucking great.

That's really nice. Did Doug fall? What's happening? I'm making you do a shot. Oh my god. I can't see the cookie I'm eating. Drag it. Papa, can you hear me?

Drag it. It is taking every ounce of strength on my body not to shove you off the stage right now. Where are we at? Whose turn is it? It's to me. I'm going to go Kevin Smith. Kevin Smith! Kevin Smith.

That great Kevin Smith. Kevin Smith. This Kevin Smith movie is from 2006. Don't be a fucking bitch! Or a bitch who's a dude. Sorry, I was talking to the dude. Two and a half stars, 2006.

Leonard Maltin says about this movie, he says there's no shortage of potty mouth humor. That's every Kevin Smith movie. Oh my God. And then he also says that the movie is unexpectedly eventful.

Yeah. And there are... You're being AIDS right now. You're being AIDS. You're totally being AIDS There are ten names, Anthony How many names you can get in? Zero

He says zero names Isn't it minus? I'll go minus one Graham says minus one Amy? I guess I say name that shit Alright, name that shit, dude And not because anyone yelled anything out

Because I watch a lot of movies It's Rosario Dawson and Clerch 2 She was the third billed person Ah fuck After Brian O'Halloran And Jeff Anderson I had that shit Oh shit

So Amy gets the point Eat shit. Eat my shit. Jason. Eat her shit. Eat my shit. I tried, Jeremy. Jason, you're not enthusiastic,

but I know you're feeling me. You're not enthusiastic. Because it's 6 a.m. 4 a.m. comedy. Alright, so you get the point. Sharon left. Sharon's like, gotta get back to the cookie store.

Does Amy get the first point? Graham got one Graham has two points Graham has What? Welcome to Doug Love's Points No he doesn't

He has a four He has a two point Amy has a point I have a point Because I got Rosario Dawson In the wrong position I did not win Amy won

Is there a wrong position? You can't win any person When you go minus one It has to be in the exact correct billing order. Yeah, so Amy's got a point. Someone in the audience said there's no wrong position for Rosario Dawson.

There is no wrong position. You could get her in a train. You could... Is a train a position, Doug? Really? Come on, baby. Give me the train. Roll baby. Give me the train. You could get her in a... Roll over and give me the train.

You could get her... Is that when you're fucking a girl, like a missionary, and then you're like, hey, can five friends come in? And we'll try the train position? Yes. Yes, it is.

Yes. It's the pyramid scheme of fucking. And if they're on Coke, it's called the Accela Express, and Doug is there. And he wears a conductor hat, which I think is awesome. I'm gonna punch your ticket. You gotta wear

a conductor hat, because you might get hit by lightning. Um... Jason. I can't believe I'm losing this stupid fucking game. How many points do you have, Anthony? Zero. I guess karma's real. Carbixis. Karma's real.

You've got no points. No points. How many points do you have, Karma's real You've got no points How many points do you have Amy Karma Oh no bilingual Cause I care about other ethnicities How many points do you have Amy One

I have one sir So Anthony It's yours to lose. What the fuck is he saying? I don't think you know how words work. You're right. I don't understand words,

but I do understand that you're in last place and it's yours to lose. We'll start with you. Here are your category options. Would you like Flash Grodin? Is that James Grodin movies?

Charles, who's James? Who the fuck is James Grodin? You guys don't know Jimmy Grodin? Jimmy Grodin! You're right. It's the fuck is James Grodin? You guys don't know Jimmy Grodin? Jimmy Grodin! You're right, it's the films of Jimmy Grodin. And then your other categories are summer blockbusters. That's movies that were a blockbuster in the summer.

Or Kevin Smith Did we do him already? Yeah I think we did Kevin Smith a while ago But it's understandable you forgot There's other Kevin Smith movies Oh yeah I know So what would you like?

Flash Grodin? Kevin Smith I'm going to go Summer Blockbuster. Summer Blockbuster. All right. Summer Blockbuster. This Summer Blockbuster was from 1997. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Leonard gave... Keep it down. Leonard gave it two stars. He calls it Mega Stupid. Which two stars seems He calls it Mega Stupid, which two stars seems to be pretty generous for a movie that's

Mega Stupid. And he says that dozens of explosions and stunts don't make enough of a difference. I can do it in negative two names. Oh, shit! Negative! make enough of a difference. I can do it in negative two names. Oh, shit!

Negative two. Anthony Jeselik, sir, please name that movie. Who are you? Who are you? Name it. You have to name the top two. He's on his feet.

Anthony's stretching. He's stretching. I'm going to name the top two. Anthony's on his feet. He's on his feet. Anthony's stretching. Number one, I'm going to go Bruce Willis. Wait, what? What's the name of the movie, though? Armageddon. No. No? Things just got ugly.

Cherubi's spoken. Classically. Clearly I remember picking on a boy seemed a harmless little fuck. Ooh, but we unleashed a lion. Arms and teeth and this and pieces for ass. Ooh.

Jeremy Spoken class today. What was it? I was so sure. Independence Day? Was it Independence Day? No. Oh, it was the other Meteor movie. Oh my God, if you say Armageddon right now I'm going to punch you in the face.

It was from... What was the year? 97. It was the other Meteor movie with... Does anybody know? It was Deep Impact. No, no, no. Dave Chappelle, Danny Trejo, Brendan Kelly.

Con Air. Con Air. Con Air. Soon to know. Always forget about Con Air. Where are we score-wise? The score is Graham Elwood has two. Graham has two.

Graham's the winner. Couldn't have happened to a worse guy. Graham Elwood wins, everybody. Congratulations. Congratulations. Thanks for the shirt, brother. Sorry, Jason. Jason. Jason. Congratulations. Thanks for the shirt, brother. Sorry, Jason. Jason, Jason.

Jason. Oh, that was exciting. I'm fucked up. It's very controversial. That went like a mile an hour. That was crazy. That was like almost moving. All right, where's Where's Justin

That's you No Oh yeah Jason You didn't write on the back You didn't write on the back You don't have an asshole You don't have a shithead Jeremy come on up here

Bring the winner up here Come give me a shithead Give Jeremy his prize back Ladies and gentlemen Jeremy's prize back Is a blowjob from Doug. Have some cookie, dude. Have a little cookie.

Wipe it on your face. But then whose cookie is that? Who made this cookie? Sharon made this cookie right over here. Oh, I'm sorry you didn't win anything. Sharon, thank you so much. Your cookie's amazing. Thank you for playing.

Sharon, I love your work. I know who my shithead is. What? I know who the shithead is. Bam, dude. Love it. Enjoy it. That's good.

Come, dude. Come by. I'll sign whatever you want out there. All right. I'll sign your cookie. So who are you playing for, Graham? That guy. The guy who won.

Fucking ger-rape me. Who wants to play Leonard Maltin game? You got it. Add on to the movie. So you're the winner? Yes, Doug. I won. My contestant was Jeremy. He is enjoying his prize pack with Anthony's CD, Amy's CD, and my CD.

Day and night. Your and your CD. Toss and turn. So who are you playing for? Who is Anthony playing for? Oh, for Sharon. Yeah, Jesus, man. All right.

I was playing for Jesus. Did Sharon give me who she wants to call shithead? Okay Oh, I'll tell you who Jason told me who is shithead Oh, okay, who does Jason want? No, weird Alright, I got it I got it, you guys I can't wait to hear who Sharon's shithead is You won for them You don't wait to hear Sharon's shithead

you won for them you don't need to know who the shithead is no Sharon didn't win I mean she's the big winner because she gave us all a cookie to trip on yeah she won

she doesn't get a there's LSD in that right Sharon you didn't win what a girl Graham won Doug cannot believe that Graham won.

He can't believe it. I got that already. Doug, I won. All right, you guys. Hey, Doug, you haven't paid me yet. We have a flight Sunday morning from Jacksonville, Florida. Straws are useless. Can we agree?

Thank you. Why wear them? Anyone can be like, Doug, I won. I won. I'd be like, Doug loves roofies. Sounds good. That's funny. That's good.

Anybody who thinks they won, they won in my mind. I won. You guys are all winners according to Doug. I'll write that shit down. I don't care. Alright. But seriously, thank you so much for coming, you guys. You guys are all winners, according to Jeff. I'll write that shit down. I don't care. All right. But seriously, thank you so much for coming, you guys. Yes. I'll be back here soon.

Yeah, Amy will be back here at the Comedy Factory soon. Anthony Jeselnik will never be back here. This is it. He's ghost face. If there's a show here where people are doing pottery on stage, Anthony will be a ghost. Explain that, please.

Explain that. Is that a Swayze? It's a Swayze reference. Too late. There's a cookie still on stage That if anyone wants to come and grab part of it I'm gonna take it You're more than welcome You should return your light

Do I have to give the light bright back to him? Yeah, you have a nice Oh, I didn't realize Are you doing seppuku over there, Graham? Okay, Graham's dead Therefore, Jason wins! Jason! Oh my god, Graham's samurai-ing himself.

I gotta say, I don't know what this is gonna be like to listen to. It's gonna be great. It might be the ultimate you had to be there. No, no. More like you had to be Doug's bartender to get these jokes.

But I hope people appreciate it. And I do appreciate that you guys not only came tonight, but waited for us to get here late. Yeah, seriously. Thank you guys so much. No, seriously. Thank you so much. Thanks, guys, for waiting. That was really cool.

Thank you. Whatever. Whatever. Anthony is not impressed with your waiting abilities. But you don't need to impress him. He's just a guy. He's a piece of shit. So we'll be out.

What? You heard me, motherfucker. We're going to hang out. For anybody listening to this podcast, it's good to know whenever Graham and I or my friends, Anthony and Amy, are on the road, we'll hang out and take pictures with everybody and autographs after the show. Dudes only. I'm not going to sign any lady tits. I'll sign anyone's clit.

I'll sign your clit. Amy will totally sign your clit. Your clit's getting signed even if you don't ask. I'll just be standing here. I will sign your tennis elbow. I will sign your clit Amy will totally sign your clit Your clit's getting signed even if you don't ask I'll just be standing here I will sign your tennis elbow I will sign your tennis elbow Thank you so much for coming And

Thank you guys so much Please keep listening I love you Anthony Jeselnik Amy Schumer. She's got a long thumping vagina. And Graham

Elwood. I'm Doug Benson and I love movies. Thank you so much. Thanks again for buying and listening to this. You're probably wondering who the shitheads were, so here goes. As always, Ron Swanson is a shithead, and Armageddon is a shithead. And Doug Benson is a drunken shithead.