Doug Loves Movies - Live in Orange County

Episode Date: October 21, 2010

Recorded on Tuesday, October 19, 2010 and features comedians Chris Porter, Brendon Walsh, and Doug Mellard talking movies and other random subjects (like sex with fish) on stage at the Improv in Irvine, CA.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers screaming baby sticky seeds With 50 acid popcorn kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey everybody This is weird I gotta get over to a different microphone So there's gonna be like a little moment of

Dead space on the podcast For the people that are listening So hopefully it won't be too boring for them dead space on the podcast for the people that are listening. Hopefully it won't be too boring for them. I did it! I made it over here. Do you mind if I use your table for a little? Oh, thank you very much.

Put my cocktail on that table. We got some exciting prizes to give away a little later. And I will start the show right now. Hey, everybody. My name is Doug Benson, and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies! This is Doug Loves Movies and we're coming to you live from the

Irvine Improv Comedy Club in Irvine, California behind the Orange Curtain. It's October 19th, 2010 and it's great to be back here for our second live show in this particular club. Did anybody come to the last time we did it here?

A few of you. That's nice. Awesome. Sarah's person that's with Sarah, he was here before. Were you here before, Sarah? No. I love how people have their name tags just on the table. That's an interesting twist on the whole name tag concept.

Like, well, I'm not going to wear it and look like a dork. I'm just going to put it on the table and it looks like the table is reserved for me. Isn't that right, Dustin with a Y and Ryan with a Y? Both of those guys have Y's in their names. I wrote down, you know, I wrote down everything

I want to say because I, you know, you know why. But it's, as I was saying, it's great to be back. The last time I was here with Douglas Movies, the guests were Natasha Leggero, Dan Gabriel, and T.J. Miller. And I only mention that because T.J. Miller is going to be playing this very club, the Irvine Improv, in a few weeks. He's going to be here for a whole weekend. So if you're here right now as you are in front of me or if you're listening to this and you live in the area, come back and see TJ when he

won't. He'll be here by himself so he's a lot more enjoyable than when he is when he's interrupting me while I'm trying to do a game or something. And don't forget that if you're going to be in the Hollywood area on October 25th, November 4th, or November 15th, you can come to a taping of my new TV series, The Benson Interruption, which airs on Fridays at midnight starting November 5th. And, yeah, November 5th. And, yeah.

November 5th. I'm looking forward to November 5th because that first night, if you live in California, as most of you here tonight do, you will be able to get high legally while watching it. I hope. I'm hoping.

Maybe Proposition 19 won't pass But I'm hoping it does And I've got two more shows coming up Two more Pot the Vote shows I'll be in San Francisco Punchline October 30th And the Sacramento Punchline On October 31st Both of those shows are at 420

And Do you guys ever come up to L.A. for the Douglas Movies tapings? Have you ever driven up and checked it out? Awesome. Little hint, coming up soon, another great show. Yeah, you heard it here first. So for the next few weeks, you should drive up. No, I mean, the next one's going to be good, but the one after that, that's the one I'm talking about.

I'm already very excited about it. But yeah, on December... December? Oh yeah, December 26th, I'll be back here at the Irvine Improv doing stand-up comedy with my good friend Graham Elwood and another special guest or two. And the day after Christmas, what better are you going to have to do in Irvine, right?

So come check that out. And let's get going with tonight's show. What do you say we bring out our guests for tonight? And, uh... I know you guys always count on me to bring out hilarious comedians and people that have been involved in filmmaking in some way or another.

And tonight is no exception. These are three, the theme of tonight's show could be three of my friends who are willing to drive down to Irvine in the rain from Los Angeles, because it was a treacherous trip getting down here tonight. And I am very, very excited that they're all here. So please welcome Brendan Walsh, Chris Porter, and Doug Millard, everybody.

Yay! There you go. Somebody gets that. Somebody gets that wooden stool. It looks very uncomfortable. Enjoy that, Chris Porter. Although yours is wooden too. But it has a back.

Brendan Walsh. Yeah, yours has a back. And then yours is... I said to the manager of the club, I was like, could you get four more different stools for us? And he was like, we worked hard for that to achieve that effect, to have four different stools on stage. So let's get to it. We all met on Last Comic Standing. I just realized this hanging out in the back.

I wasn't trying to put together a Last Comic Standing meeting theme, but the year that Chris went on to fourth? I got third. Third! See, that's why I said it with a question mark. Chris Porter took third place one year on Last Comic Standing, and yeah. He did applaud for that.

And that very year, Brendan and Doug and I were all also rants. We didn't even make it to the top ten that year. We were eliminated in the semifinals. But I will say that when we went to the hotel for the semis, I was really happy that you were my roommate. Yeah, I was happy that you were my roommate. Yeah, that worked out great. I was happy that you were my roommate. Because I brought weed, and I knew that would get us eliminated.

And I was like, I don't want to room with someone that's going to be like, he smoked weed, and then I get eliminated. And then they're like... Oh, yeah, you thought somebody else might rat you out. Yeah. And then they're like, you're rooming with Doug Benson. And I was like, we are going to be fine. Yeah. We were more than fine, because I thought, oh, you're rooming with Doug Benson. And I was like, we are going to be fine. Yeah.

We were more than fine because I thought, oh, it's a reality show. Maybe I'll just go a few days without weed and I just won't bring any. And then I get to my room and it's Chris Porter, who I'd never met before. But he's like, hey, I'm a big fan. Do you want to smoke? And I was like, yes. And then we did the entire time. To the point where other contestants, like our room was the room to be in I was

really quite a bit I remember there was they there were two groups of us that they took down to the Alex theater and you were in the first group and Doug and I were in your room getting baked and Doug goes you don't think they're gonna come in with cameras or anything and try to talk to us? And I was like, no way. They're all down at the Alex. And then I went back up to my room and five seconds later knock, knock, knock. And I was like, I'm naked. About to get in the shower. Can't talk to you now because I'm high and naked. I'm fucked up on drugs and

naked. And you ran up on drugs and naked. And you ran to the gym and just got on the elliptical machine. I'm telling you, the elliptical is much more bearable when you're fucking high. It's a great way to do the elliptical. Just get high and get on there and plug in your headphones

and watch whatever garbage is on TV at the time. There's no garbage on TV. Have you ever watched yourself while you were on the elliptical? No, because if someone else walked by, that would be horrible. That happened like the year after last comic. I was just having me on the treadmill, and they were re-showing it. Yeah. And for a second, I realized I was like, oh, they're re-sh for a second i realized i was like oh they're

reshowing it and then i was like oh shit change it because yeah you look really weird yeah unless while you're watching it you like push your hair back like it's a mirror like if you look at it like you're just getting grooming tips or if you just point at it go i hate you i hate you and then you turn up the treadmill loser juster! Just keep putting an L on your forehead and running faster. I fucking hate this guy. Keep spitting food at the screen. I always eat a hoagie when I'm on the treadmill.

That's a good look. And when I'm on the toilet. Or on the car ride down here. I have a big hoagie. You like to cut out the middle, man. You just eat on the toilet. Yeah yeah why do you have to get involved we what have we talked about movies yet because somebody was giving me a hard time the other day about i love movies you barely talk about movies like We talk about them a lot But there's like, you know Gotta set it up, who these people are

Doug Millard We just worked together in Austin, Texas Yes No one? What? There we go Thanks for that fake cat call Austin, Texas is pretty awesome But there's no reason for anyone in Irvine to get excited about it

Irvine and Austin excited about it. Irvine and Austin have pretty much the same weather, and we have medical marijuana here, so... There's no reason... Are you guys agreeing or vacuuming? So, yeah, I have a question for you, Doug. Did we see MacGruber together? We did. No, I was an idiot. You didn't make it.

No, we saw that Bill Hicks documentary. Oh, that's right. And then I missed MacGruber. MacGruber was amazing. Yeah, I was at South by Southwest, and they had the premiere of MacGruber, and I've been talking it up ever since as being a lot funnier than

the fact that it bombed at the box office, but it doesn't deserve that. I mean, it's not a perfect movie. No movie with a guy... Well, you love it now after I told you to love it. But no movie with a guy walking around with broccoli in his ass is going to be perfect.

Celery. See, that's how queer you are. In Orange County, you can't just make gay jokes on stage. Because everyone in the audience is like, well, we're not gay, but we think that's offensive. We think we're supposed to be offended by that. I was offended by it I was I was only because they hacked it from me I was actually doing that celery trick for years I was like this is bullshit you were putting celery in your ass to to

distract people it's a close with it for years Doug's celery ass Millard That's what they call me. Alright. Well, anyway, I saw that movie at South by Southwest and I, you know, it's not my favorite movie of the year but it certainly didn't deserve to bomb. So if you get a chance to check it out, people have been writing to me on Twitter and whatnot

saying, yeah, you're right, MacGruber's not that bad. And while I'm at it, if you still haven't seen Scott Pilgrim or Kick-Ass, then see those because those are the best two movies of seen Scott Pilgrim or Kick-Ass then see those because those are the best two movies of the year I just saw Kick-Ass recently and was fucking blown away can you believe it? why did you wait?

what turned you off to that movie? because nobody wants to see it nothing turned me off it just wasn't like you know I rented it from the 7-Eleven machine. Redbox. And it fucking...

Which is, how fucked up is that? Like, oh, Netflix is really successful with their red envelopes. Let's open Redbox. Let's start our own thing and have Redbox. And apparently Netflix could do nothing about it. Just sit there and go, alright, that's probably a little bit more convenient

than the mail. Next they're going to be getting it from a box outside the 7-Eleven. They're going to have red crack. They're like robots just come to your house and shit movies through your mail slot. He didn't like it because he thought Redbox was something else

and he was very disappointed. He thought it was all Lindsay Lohan movies? Yeah. Red box! Come on, you guys. This is going to be a long show. If you're already not having fun, did you guys enter for the

raffle? Like, it was the weirdest thing. I walked into the club tonight, and they're like, we're having a raffle tonight. And I was like, I thought we were having Doug Loves Movies tonight. And I was like, what's the raffle for? And they're like, we're having a raffle tonight. And I was like, I thought we were having Doug Loves Movies tonight. And I was like, what's the raffle for? And they're like,

for German Shepherds. And who could say no to a raffle for German Shepherds? Yeah, right? I mean, most dogs are awesome. I love dogs, but fucking German Shepherds,

have you ever met one and you're like, you're a dick? Yeah, the ones that work for the cops. Well, yeah. But I haven't run into those. I have.

Where were you that you got canined? I was at a train station in southern Florida. Alright, well, train and Florida, you're already... You're already in a pretty fucked up situation. There's a hole. up situation there's a hole

oh there's a hole in the stage don't let your stool fall into it I'm tiny I'll fall through it unless you're taking a dump into the hole I had a pipe in my bag and I was just sitting there waiting for the train

and it wasn't a cop it was like an undercover cop but the dog sniffed and started pawing at my bag. And I looked at him. I was like, well, there's a pipe in there. Idiot. What does your dog love pipes? You got a pipe fighting dog?

Get your dog away from a pot pipe. That's what I told him. Yeah. And I just went. And the guy looked around like fuck and he so then they so then all of a sudden like three more dudes and hula shirts showed up and the Tommy Bahamas they all dressed super cash so yeah and the only thing that got me out of it the guy goes goes, he's like, what's your story?

What are you doing? I was like, I'm a comic. My car had broken down. And I was like, my car broke down. I'm taking a train back to go get it. And he's like, you're a comic? Are you funny? I said, not in jail, I'm not.

And he thought that was funny enough. He just let me go. I had to throw the pipe away. But what could he have done anyway? Given what paraphernalia for having it just for having the pipe yeah really cuz I have any weed on me but I had the pipe you'd think just a pipe you'd be okay I was just be like I smoke cigarettes out of that I crumpled up and jam them in there and then I smoke them. The whole paraphernalia thing always drives me nuts because that's how they got Tommy Chong

is that they ordered a bong from his son's website in a state where they ordered it from a state where it's illegal to sell bongs in the mail. They ordered it from there and then it's illegal to sell bongs in the mail. Pennsylvania, I think. Yeah, so they ordered it from there. Fucking Amish.

And then he had to go spend... Can you imagine having to fly somewhere to do jail time? Because that's not where you live. How could you commit that big of a crime through the mail that you have to go fucking go to jail in a state that's nowhere near where you are doing supposed crimes? But anyway... That's another good movie

people should watch. That documentary about that bullshit. I forget what it's called. The Tommy Chong one. What is it called? A.K.A. Tommy Chong. I haven't seen it. It's great. They talk about that. It's fucking crazy bullshit. It's nuts. He took the fall

for his son. He went to prison so his son wouldn't have to. But they kept bugging him. They put in this huge order and they're like, well, by the way, we're in Pennsylvania. They're like, well, we can't ship it to you. And then they kept, the guy's like, oh, well, I'm gonna be... This is what they did. They kept trying to order it and they're like, we can't do it.

It's illegal. And then the guy called him and said, listen, I'm gonna be in LA. I'll pick it up from you physically and drive it back to Pennsylvania. So they made all these pipes and bongs for him. And then he called him and said, oh, my trip got canceled. Why don't you just ship it to me? And they were like, ah, fuck it.

We'll just ship it to him. Like, they wore him down. It was complete entrapment. That's the worst. And I'm glad it's in a movie because this is Doug Lowe's movies and so we're still talking about movies. I got hilarious. We're not talking and so we're still talking about movies. I got... And it's hilarious. We're not talking about weed. We're talking about movies.

I only got busted once and it was by Tom Hanks and his brown dog. And... Are you making a Turner and Hooch reference? Hell yes, I am. Fuck.

Movies. Another Doug Lowe movie. Which one was Tom Hanks and Hooch? You should stay away from movies that are on TBS this weekend. Turner and Hooch is like one of those instant classics.

They play that over and over again. It wasn't instant, but it became one. Well, new classics, they like to call them. From Mama from the Train? Yeah, and Days of Thunder or whatever. Cocktail. But it's funny how there's some movies that they kind of suck in the theater

but they become hits anyway because of a star or something. And then they just last on cable because it's like I could watch Cocktail. I mean, I'm making fun of it as much as I'm enjoying it while I'm watching it because it is the story of bartenders who jump up in the bar and read

poetry that they supposedly make up in the bar and read poetry that they supposedly make up on the spot, because there's nothing better than improvised poetry when you're drunk. Especially, I wish someone would just jump up in the bar and fucking rhyme for a little while. Wait, hold on.

What are you doing? I have some poetry. I would like to, no, I don't have any poetry. If you really had a poem, that would have been great. If I had known. I would like to No I don't have any poetry If you really had a poem that would have been great If I had known What were you trying to say Chris? Well didn't they The big thing was they tossed bottles

They were bottle throwers Yeah they did that too but they really tried to imply They tried to imply that the bottle throwing Gets you to the point where People sit still for a poem Not just sit still for it poem not just sit still for a cheer every line of the poem there it's like a fucking stupid they were all like stupid limericks that he do and it would always be about them and their bar

and how they wanted to open up a bar are you saying the bartender poet wasn't socially relevant I know you should now be Doug loves literature We're talking about limericks But there should just be more movies Doug loves slam poetry But that's the balls of Tom Cruise And everyone involved in that movie It's just like we can depict something That will never happen in a million years

And make it look like it's a popular trend Yeah Because they piggybacked on throwing the bottles around, because that really was catching on. And then they threw in the poetry. They show Castaway a lot. Most Tom Hanks movies are just destined for...

He does get a lot of play. I mean, Lady Killers, that Coen Brothers movie, they don't really play that much. But Castaway drives me nuts because it was a big hit And to me it's like The middle part's okay But all that nonsense with Helen Hunt

At the beginning and the end And all that bullshit with him I may have whined about this on the podcast before All that stuff at the beginning about I gotta get it there on time I'm a FedEx man FedEx we always make sure we get it there FedEx FedEx I deliver things I get it on on time. I'm a FedEx man. FedEx, we always make sure we get it there.

FedEx, FedEx, I deliver things. I get it on time. Nothing can stop me. Oh, except for now I'm a castaway alone on an island. Oh, thank God a FedEx box just washed up on the shore. That's gonna come in handy when I do my own personal root canal with a skate. Like, it's just all way too convenient. It's no Joe versus the volcano. That's right. It is than like it's no Joe vs.

the Volcano that's right it is not that's an awesome movie or the Burbs he has a lot of movies where he ends up floating

in the middle of the ocean yeah that's true but Burbs is also underrated I think and you can get it now like at Target for like three Tom Hanks

crazy movies in one it's the best. Yeah, but the problem is the other two movies are Volunteers and The Man With One Red Shoe. That's right, you guys.

I smoke a lot of pot and I can pull stuff like that out of nowhere, so... Nothing in common. Dude, I'm in Nothing in Common. Are you? Yeah.

There's a scene where... In Nothing in Common, Are you? Yeah. There's a scene where... In Nothing in Common, there's one scene where you see that he works at an ad agency in the movie, Tom Hanks, and it's directed by Gary Marshall, and Tom Hanks gives a little funny tour to some interns that are there learning about the ad game

in one scene in the movie. But then later in the movie, he's upset. Something happened with his dad. He either died or they had an argument. I forget which one. But he's played by the great Jackie Gleason in a really horrifying and embarrassing role as a horrible old man who Tom Hanks wants to die.

And when he does die, he feels bad about it. But there's a scene later in the movie if you guys want to rent it, check out my awesome performance, where I'm an extra and I'm one of the interns that's getting a tour when Tom Hanks is having a bad day and he comes by and he picks up some little

he takes the woman that's giving the tour has some little paper cut out of a doll. You know how people do those chains of dolls, but it's just one or whatever. And she's holding it up for some reason. And he walks up and he's like, you're going to advertise against bullshit and you're all going to get fucked in the ass. And then he takes the little doll and cuts its head off and then he walks away. And then me and five other youngish people just go.

and then he walks away, and then me and five other youngish people just go... Like we get all sad and weirded out that the ad guy just shit all over the whole ad game. You know what I can't buy about that? It was like Mad Men. You know what I can't buy about that? It was like a scene from Mad Men. What? Tom Hanks has never had a bad day in his life, so... Well, but his characters have horrible days.

You know, keep that theory going when you're watching him fix a toothache. When he fixes a toothache with the blade of a skate, go ahead and say Tom Hanks never has a bad day. That's a fucked up day. But you'd even know. I would just be like,

you know what, this toothache is really painful, but I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can do with this skate that's going to fix it. Oh, Wilson, what do you think I should do? Fucking Wilson.

If Twitter existed during Castaway, Wilson would have been a trending topic for 10 weeks. He'd have 17 profiles. Yeah, everyone would be, there'd be all these fake, there'd be the real Wilson,

would be somebody's name on Twitter. I'm the fucking real Wilson Ball from Cast Away. You jerks. So, Brendan, I want to ask you this question Have you ever got any casting or acting opportunities For having that crazy beard? It's a little shorter than normal It usually gets pretty

What's the word? Amish? Yeah, it gets pretty giant The whole head area Yeah, you're a fast beard grower I take clippers to the whole thing I actually just gave myself a haircut an hour before I came here. On the top head? The top head.

The top part? The bottom part I took care of earlier. There's some ladies who like it, or weird dudes. Yeah. I can't see that far because of the lighting. A lady who smokes three packs a day. But have you ever got any good casting opportunities because of your beard? Not. No.

I put you in something as, you know. He was in Kingpin. There's homeless guys. I've done a few homeless things. Wait, homeless things? What does that mean? You've done a few homeless things? Just like little sketch things.

Oh, sketch. Somebody's like, you look homeless, so play a homeless. Yeah, yeah. More or less. For the G4 network. Oh, and I did Santa Claus. What? Yeah.

For Chris Hardwick did some music video, and I was like. Oh, right, right, right. You get some porn stars in there, and it was really weird. Yeah, it was weird. Yeah, yeah. But you were Santa. Yeah. Yeah, the fact that you were Santa terrifies me.

It's all right. I've sat in your lab before, though. It was a fun time. 200 bucks is 200 bucks. Chris Porter. Yes. You often like to say in your stage act that there's a resemblance

between you and Willy Wonka. Yes, that's because I've been told that by pretty much every girl I've tried to have sex with. In her chocolate factory? I've got the golden ticket. I've got the golden ticket Wait, Chocolate Factory is better than Golden Ticket What's wrong with you guys?

Golden Ticket is just a reference from the movie It's not specific enough Seriously Seriously, was there a gobstopper everlasting? Seriously, was her gobstopper everlasting? But also, you have kind of a beard mustache thing going on that makes you look much less like Willy Wonka. Yeah, the joke doesn't hit as well now.

Yeah, yeah. And your hair is a little bit more tamed. Yeah, well... It's hair is a little bit more tamed. Yeah, well, I didn't... It's usually a little wilder. Thank you for getting that, everybody. But that's all I wanted. That's the only reason I brought this up. Was just to get to that pun?

No, no, the only reason I brought it up was just to say, to get all of you guys to confirm that Gene Wilder's the definitive Willy Wonka and that the Johnny Depp version was bullshit. And creepy.

But it was fun. It was a fun movie. You liked it? I liked it. Alright. This is the part where I ask you to leave. Well, no. It was one of those movies that I was one of the last ones to see it And so everyone was like I hate it so much that when I went in

I thought I was going to hate it so much That when I didn't I just naturally liked it a little bit more It is about a chocolate factory So it's kind of hard to hate that They do some things right. But I think, like, the Oompa Loompa being the same guy over and over again is such a sad thing to do to our little people actors. Hey, I'm right here.

Yeah, like you, for one. How tall are you? 5'6". Oh, okay, yeah. Mike Kaplan's 5'6". He was on my Little People episode, so you could have qualified. He was on with Wee Man and Brad Williams. They're much

shorter. Well, no, Mike wasn't burping. I don't mean to blow that for you, but Wee Man would burp and then blame it on Mike. Because that's what you can do on a podcast, especially when you're one of the stars of Jackass 3D. Which, have you guys seen that yet?

Oh, god damn it. It's so funny. It's gross, though, too. Don't ruin it for me! I haven't seen it yet! It's a little too gross. No! No spoilers! So, let's see here. I said that already. That was good. That worked out pretty good.

Oh, so Doug and Brandon are from have spent time in Austin, Texas. Yep. So my question is, did you ever get close to being a part of a Richard Linklater movie? Because he shoots all of his shit there, right? I was in a Robert

Rodriguez movie. Okay, that's a different guy, but sure. That's the other guy that makes movies in Austin, yeah. They both have, like, airplane hangers at the old airport. So you auditioned for Rodriguez? No, I was in it. I was in Spy Kids 2. What?

Holy shit. What'd you do in Spy Kids 2? I was a magnet man. I was one of the evil henchmen that had a magnet for a head. We all looked exactly the same. Are you in it a lot? Well, this is funny. There were like ten of us

and we're all kind of the same. Ten super villains that have different weird skills or whatever? No, no. We were all the same. We all had the same outfits. You all had magnet heads? Yeah, magnet heads and sunglasses and these red kind of concierge kind of bellhop suits. So there were like ten of us, but they never needed more than like six of us at a time. And there were like some real gung-ho extra guys where they were like, you know, we need five magnet men.

And they're like running out of the thing. So I realized about four days into it, I don't have to be here. So I would show up, I'd get my costume and my voucher, and I'd get back in my car and go home. And I'd drive back like 12 hours later and just hang out, put my costume back on, and then go and get my voucher and get paid. Have you told me this story before?

I don't think so. Because I've heard it already. Oh, well, then maybe I did. But now I'm starting to worry that you told it the last time you were on my podcast and that this is rather redundant. Oh, my God. Well, did you ask me about it? I don't think you did.

Let's go to the tape. I don't think your audience is really going to care. What about you, Doug? Any Richard Rickletter or Ricker Rodriguez? No. My questions don't even have real words in them anymore. I have been dazed and confused a lot in Austin. And I was in School of Cock.

I'm actually pulling... No, I didn't. There's something called School of Cock? No, I was... I'm trying. That was... What were you trying, I didn't. There's something called School of Cock? No, I'm trying. What were you trying? I don't know. Oh, instead of School of Rock, he made a movie called School of Cock?

I didn't do that. It's about the Tyson chicken franchise. They teach you how to chop up chickens. I'm just trying to help. Well, I was almost in a Richard Linklater movie. That's the only reason I brought it up. Which one? Just to talk about myself.

I was almost in a scanner darkly, but this might be an interesting story. I never saw it, by the way. It was one of those rotoscoped movies, like those Schwab commercials, where everyone's animated, even though they filmed them. And then they animated it, like Waking Life. But I don't know if it's any good or not, but I did a show in Los Angeles.

I was doing the Benson Interruption back when it was just a stage show. Now it's a new TV show that's going to be on Comedy Central soon. Yes. Yes. Thanks. All right. Well, that was just four or five of you, so that was kind of weird. But anyway, I did my Benson interruption, and Keanu Reeves was in the audience.

So then a few weeks later, I get a call from my agent. Yeah, Keanu Reeves wants you to be in his new movie, this Richard Linklater movie, Scanner Darkly. And I was like, oh, that's based on a Philip K. Dick novel, or short story, or whatever it was.

Wow, that's... Seriously? Really? And then I was like, do I have to audition? And then we found out, no, you don't have to audition. Keanu Reeves just wants you to play the part of a drug dealer in this movie. And I was like, that is too good to be true. At least the director should want to meet me or something. And then some more time went by, and they're like,

yeah, it still looks like we're going to have you do it. And then suddenly my agent got a phone call. Robert Downey Jr. wants to do the part so Doug Doug is out but it was like so weird like I never really believed it but for a while I was like I'm gonna be in a fucking movie with you know it's Woody Harrelson and you know what's-her-name and you get to hang out in Austin for a few months well I didn't know that I didn't know that would be the you know that would be another benefit I didn't know that. I didn't know that would be the, you know, that would be another benefit. I didn't even think of that.

So, yeah, so I didn't get the part and it's a shitty movie, so who cares? Or you haven't seen it. I have not seen that shitty movie. That's right. I gotta say though, like, as long as I'm digging a Richard Linklater might never work with him whole,

his remake of The Bad News Bears is one of the most worst things that ever happened to cinema because they took a great, great, great movie and then their idea of updating it was the crazy coach instead of scenes where they say racist things.

That's what's great about the first Bad News Bears is it's pretty harsh and dark. Then when they remade it, the coach took all the kids to Hooters. And that's supposed to be outrageous. Like, oh my God, the coach took all the kids to Hooters. Have you been to Hooters after Little League games? That happens.

It's not that outrageous. It's a restaurant that, you know, they've managed to fool everybody by, you know, essentially calling it tits, but also being like a family restaurant, right? So when that showed up in that movie, I was like, that's why they had to remake Bad News Bears, because now Hooters exists.

That was one of the only twists in the entire movie. We should start a racist Hooters. A titty twister. And also, what's his name? Talk Soup Kenear, Greg Kenear, plays the evil coach. And in the original movie, the evil coach slaps his own son

across the face when he won't do what he wants, when he won't pitch a bad game. And in this new movie, because I just saw it on cable the other day, that's why I'm so hopped up about it. I don't spend all my life going, Bad News Bears remake, god damn it! It it on cable the other day. That's why I'm so hopped up about it. I don't spend all my life going, Bad News Bears remake! God damn it! It was just on the other day,

and Kinnear shoves the kid to the ground. Like, as gently as you can shove a person to the ground, and then everyone, all the parents go, and then the rest of the movie happens. But, I don't know where I was going with that

other than to say Richard Linklater will never put me in one of his movies now if he ever listens to my podcast. And maybe Robert Rodriguez won't if I told that story twice about how I soaked him for $1,000. I think he'd laugh at that. I think he'd find that funny.

Like, $1,000? Well, I mean, I was getting $150 a day. I was there for like 10 days. No, you weren't there for 10 days. Well, no, I was. Well, no, I was. I was there twice a day. It wouldn't be funny, though, if that movie just lost a thousand dollars.

Yeah. Did you see it? Just the gross. Did you see? I read it when it came out on tape. Because I put it on my reel. I just picked one. I couldn't tell who I was.

It's on your reel? Well, my old reel before I had a beard. Oh, your beard was real? So if anyone's going to watch, if it's listening, he doesn't have a beard, and he doesn't even know if he's in the movie or not. There's one scene. No, I know I am.

The one scene I put in, I know I was in that scene where all the magnum men are fighting a bunch of kids and a kid jumps on my back and I don't flip him off, but I turn with him. Well, we weren't allowed to. They would tell you, don't hurt

these kids? Yeah, they'd be like, don't really throw them around. But they would jump on you. It was all choreographed. I'm in a scene there's like a big how do you know you weren't in it no cuz I that was one of the few things that I did where I was like yeah like where they told me specifically like I was standing there with two other guys they're like you you you get into the thing and then like then and I had to be in that scene and there's another one I'm in like two Like, I was standing there with two other guys. They're like, you, you, you, get into the thing. And then, like, then I had to be in that scene. And there's another

one. I'm in, like, two of them. That would totally hold up in court. That whole story. There's a courtroom scene that I'm in. Mike Judge was in it. Mike Judge is... He's, like, a guy on trial. You should have

murdered somebody when you run off. You know what I mean? That would have been a great alibi. Oh, I'm a magnet man in Spy Kids 2. I could not have possibly murdered somebody that day. That would have been the greatest alibi. And murder them in my outfit so when the police round us all up

we all look exactly the same in the lineup. Just get like five other Magnet Men. That's the one, officer. What was he wearing? He had a magnet head, sunglasses, and a weird busboy outfit on. I love it. I couldn't have done it, officer.

I was wearing my Magnet Man suit watching Maury Povich. How was that movie? Did you watch the whole thing? I don't remember. I mean, yeah, I probably did. I thought the first Spy Kids was alright, but my thing with Robert Rodriguez is, aside from not being able to

pronounce his name, he just sort of like, he's prolific in a way that to me says, why don't you slow down and make better stuff. Yeah, I'm with you on that. You know, and I'm sorry if he's hearing that somehow. Because now these like, legitimate

filmmakers are hearing the podcast because a couple of them are fans and they're telling other ones to listen. And I'm like, oh, I've talked so much shit for so many years on this podcast that it's going to bite me in the ass. But what are you going to do? The people of Irvine don't care.

Brandon's in so much trouble. What? Brandon's in so much trouble after that story. No, I think it's fine. I don't think Robert Rodriguez... I think Rodriguez would find that amusing. I think me saying his movies aren't very good, he wouldn't like that so much.

No, I think his movies are great. I just sign up to be in them. Did you see Machete? Machete, you did? And you liked it? It's what I expected. So you expected to not like it? I expected to be pretty lukewarm about it.

There's a lot of great stuff in there. He doesn't make any movie that doesn't have great stuff in it. I'll give him that. I wanted it, the way it started, I wanted it to maintain that kind of crazy chopping off arms and heads. And it seemed like it started off with this, oh, this is going to be great.

And a woman pulling a whole cell phone out of her pussy. Yeah, yeah. And not only does she pull it out of her hoo-hoo, it also, when she does it, you hear... But it didn't maintain that level of craziness. Yeah, yeah. No, it got really sane after that and no other character had a cell phone stuffed in anything.

I wonder if they had to put that sound in later. You know they had to put that sound in later. Oh, if it happened on the set, then there would have been a lot of grips and gaffers throwing up. Because that would have been horrifying to actually hear that noise. That means there's some dude whose job

is like, what are you doing today? Oh, I gotta go down to the studio and lay down that phone out of the vagina track. Yeah. What'd you do doing today? Oh, I got to go down to the studio and lay down that phone out of the vagina track. Yeah. What'd you do all day? Oh, I just went into a microphone. Do you know how hard it is to recreate something leaving a vagina? It is tough.

I need to get a shop vac, two slices of liver, and a bag of clam chowder. They're Foley artists. They have to recreate these sounds. It's like with the shoes on their hands. They don't grab them. Like when they used to do footsteps on old-timey radio. Now it's all just raw liver and shop facts. Let's go down the line, starting with Doug to my right.

Seen any movies lately? The last one, I'm 31. Let's go down the line, starting with Doug to my right. Seen any movies lately? The last one, I'm 31. I just moved here to L.A. Wait, what does your 31 have to do with anything? Well, here's the deal. Are you in a pageant all of a sudden? I'm being auctioned off today. I'm 31. I'm from Austin, Texas.

I'm a German shepherd. I recently relocated to California. No, I spent all summer living with my parents to move out here to save some money, right? To move out here. Yeah. And then, so I saw... Thank you. All right.

That guy's proud of you. He still lives with his parents. But it's like, all summer, all I did was, like, I would do, like, the double, like, feature sneak in high school style. Like, so I did was, like, I would do, like, the double, like, feature sneak in high school style. Like, so I saw every movie all summer. And then, like, it's kind of dropped off, like, because I just landed here. You moved out here, and there's stuff to do in California. Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of stuff to do here.

And a lot of people to do. Way to finish that sentence. That was a good way to end that sentence. I love the trailer. So what was the last movie you saw? The last movie I saw was my last day in Dallas. Me and this friend got really messed up. And we went and saw Cats and Dogs,

The Return of Kitty Galore. Because we were trash and we wanted to see it in 3D. And we just saw the last 20 minutes. We laughed our asses off. It was the best experience I've ever had. It was great. That sounds like a scared straight speech. Don't do drugs, you're outgoing.

And that's when he fucked me. If you do drugs, you will love Cats and Dogs 2 The Revenge of Pussy Kitty Galore. Like, just the fact that that movie in the title has a parody of a name of a character in a James Bond movie that came out in 1963 or 4

is such a weird disconnect. Yeah, like Pussy Galore, Kitty Galore. Like, who the fuck? What adult is going to go, that's hilarious, I must see that? And what kid is going to know what they're talking about? It's like the Bond movie. Like a 55-year-old dude with a 3-year-old.

Yeah, that's what it's for. It's for rich old dudes with hot young girlfriends who just had a baby or adopted a baby. Go see that movie. The other thing, I can't get enough of Willow on YouTube for free. Matt Mardigan. What are you saying? I don't even understand any of that.

Thank you. I thought it was just me. You're watching what on YouTube? Willow. What's Willow? Willow? That old movie? Yes.

It's on YouTube? Yes. Why? Because, I don't know. Like you watch it in like nine ten minutes yeah apparently anything with val kilmer too soon also you need a hobby what are you waiting for the next 10 minutes of willow to buffer I'm waiting for it to buffer.

I love that. That's awesome. So what have you seen lately, Chris Porter? I saw Facebook the movie. Yeah. The Social Retard Network. I wanted to see Owls the movie, but then I heard it sucked.

Yeah, but it's like, isn't that weird that it's directed by Zack Snyder, the guy that did... I don't know what any of that means. He did Dawn of the Dead, Watchmen, and 300. And he did the Owls movie? But the Owls movie looks cool. And that's what everyone says, is that it looks amazing. But the story is just like,

we're owls and we gotta go over here. But I liked Facebook. I thought Facebook was alright. I liked that movie. I did. I really did. Justin Timberlake. That's a dude I've wanted to fucking hate that dude

since NSYNC. Well, I did hate him in NSYNC, but then he went away on his own, and you're just like, that's a talented dude. Like, you can't fucking... He can act better than I can, and he can sing better. You know what I'm saying? Like, everything he

does, he's good at. He does comedy better than you do. He's funny when he hosts SNL, and like, yeah, I really don't have any problems with the guy. No. But you want to. Yeah. You want to be like that kind of one.

It sucks. Yeah. But then you watch like even the Sony commercials he's fucking funny. It annoys me that like Timber Lake and Timberland

collaborate like one of you should change your name. That confused me for a while. They should just call each other they should just call

themselves Lake and Land. Land of Lakes. Or Dock. L and L. Or LOL. Or Port. But yeah, I thought... They call each other Beach. But isn't it weird?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but as soon as the social network is over, the second it was over, I was like, well, but did he create it or didn't he? It's a true story about the creation of Facebook. You really don't get a feel for whether he stole it or not. It kind of seems like he stole it. Well, I think he created as much as he stole. Nice.

Did you hear that? He said it into a microphone. So you probably did hear it. He created as much as he stole. That's good. That's what he should say. There was Fredster and Myspace before that too. Yeah, it wasn't like those other guys at Harvard thought of social networking.

But he thought of it sort of with them and then ran with it. Yeah, he did kind of... I don't think rowers should get anything ever those guys see like if you row for any like for sport like you lose that's kind of where he kind of stole their right he kind of like got it going while they were busy rowing right yeah they were like too busy practicing rowing yeah I noticed that he took their entire it's kind of like they it going while they were busy rowing right yeah they were like too busy practicing rowing yeah I noticed that he took their entire idea it's kind of like they created the keyboard and then he made the computer

you know what I'm saying like they had a basic idea but what he created again from what the movie said their idea would have been like a bunch of Jags in Harvard sitting around talking to each other on the computer. It would not have spread all over the world like the other guy's idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was probably a lot more about the dudes just seemed like they wanted to meet girls that

wanted to fuck dudes from Harvard. Which amazes me that there's fucking Harvard groupies. But there was a great line I want to fuck your smart dick. Yeah, yeah. There's a great line in the movie, though, where when they're having that meeting around a table,

when he says to them, if you had created Facebook, you would have created Facebook. Yeah. Where... Right. I have a million great ideas all the time. I've seen some get made.

That's right. You were like, fuck, Snuggie. What? Self-cleaning toilet seat. I had that idea like 12 years ago and is that a thing already yeah you see them in airports that circular toilet seat that oh yeah goes and cleans itself i had the same exact idea 12 years ago but you know what i thought about doing i'm not gonna make a toilet seat i mean i don't know how what do do you do? Where do you start? Home Depot, I guess.

But then like red patent shit. Like, fuck it. I'm just going to hang out. I don't want to. But then it comes out and you're like, fuck. I should have not. I know. It was a good idea.

You've got a beard. It just seems like it would come together. I don't know why. I'm going to start a cult. If it was made of wood, it would have come together. I don't know why. I'm going to start a cult. If it was made of wood, it would have come together. Yeah. I wasn't going to clean it with my beard. Good call.

What if she was into it? So what have you seen? I'll clean any lady's toilet seat with my beard. Could you guys drag this out more? Yes. Sorry, we're not doing puns. Yeah, right. What have you seen lately, Brendan? I saw The Social Network as well

and the most recent movie I saw was I saw Red. It's kind of a funny story. Oh, how was that? No, I was talking about Red. That's kind of a funny story. Oh, how is that? No, I was talking about red. That's kind of a funny story. Like you went and saw that.

It's kind of a funny story. It is red. I call red cocoon assassins. Like cocoon colon assassins. Yeah. I would see the shit out of that. What I saw was red. And, uh... I saw was red. And, uh...

I was bow red. It's like, there's constant shooting going on, but no bloodshed. It's one of those movies. It's like, you know what? Fucking windows have had a free ride in society long enough. Let's shoot the shit out of those fuckers for all

they do to us with their like sitting there not bothering anybody and letting us see the outside or vice versa. So yeah, it's a shame because going into it I thought it looked pretty cool. Really? I thought it looked fucking ridiculous.

Well, I didn't think it was. As soon as the queen pulls out a street sweeper, I'm like, that's enough. Yeah. You're almost like, that's almost don't stop or my mom will shoot. Yeah, it's not quite as bad as that, but you're right that it's like,

but I sort of thought, ooh, Helen Mirren shooting a bunch of people would be awesome, but she just shoots in a direction and a bunch of glass breaks. And then people run. They scatter. Or if they get shot, they just fall down. After she shoots.

There's no bloodshed. It's like bloodless violence. So that's how they got their PG-13. And that's how they have a complete bullshit movie. Well, they need the PG-13 so the youth of today can see a bunch of people they've never heard of. That's the other thing. It looks like it's called Red, and the ad campaign is all red, and there's an R at the beginning of it, and it's about people killing people.

Yeah. PG-13. Like, it's such a stupid... That's what I hate about movies these days, is just that to get the PG-13, you have to make bloodless violence, and to do that, people can be beaten to a pulp. As long as it's not bloody, you can beat somebody. And as long as a tit doesn't flop out in the middle of it. Yeah, right?

Yeah, as long as no one gets fucked in the middle of being beaten. But doesn't that just make kids believe that they can beat the shit out of someone and everything's going to be okay? That's what I mean. It's creating this weird area of violence where if they emulate the movies, they'll think that they won't get... There's no bloodshed if you do that. It hurts really bad to get punched in the face.

Have you been? Yeah. What do you mean, yeah? Who hasn't? Is that how you're responding? No. Or like, well, of course I have. Like you talk so much shit all the time. Look at this fucking face.

Don't you just want to punch this beard? People just want to punch this beard just because it's so soft and manageable. I have not been punched in the face since I've grown a beard. Oh, that's like a punch blocker. It's a punch softener. No, yeah, I got, I've been in a handful of I've been beaten up by multiple guys at once, twice in my life

I grew up in a weird neighborhood in Philadelphia Yeah, you did Yeah Where just a group of dudes just got you cornered you and beat the crap out of you And now he's out here Yeah, they start in different They both started the same way

Where one guy was fucking with me and so we kind of got into it and then all of his friends were like oh, let's all beat the shit out of this guy. And they were all white? They were all white? Yeah. Yeah, both times they were all white. I was just trying not to be racist.

Were you trying not to be racist by being racist? They were all Italian one time. I was just hoping they were all white when I asked that question. Then he would have to say, no, they were black. And I'd be like, well, they were probably beating you up because you said something racist.

He's just stealing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air story. Nobody moved me to Bel-Air after I got the shit beat out of me. Because that's what happens to Fresh Prince. He gets the shit beat out of him, so then they move him? Yeah. Don't you know the song?

West Philadelphia, born and raised on the playgrounds where I spent most of my days chillin' all field and all maxin' something. I've never... Anyway, and then a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in the neighborhood. Don't you know the song? I don't.

That's what you just did. You know, the only way I know that song, I never used to watch the show, but when I would tell people I'm from Philadelphia, some people just break out into that song. I swear to God. Well, now do they do the Always Sunny? If you say you're from Bel Air, they give you AIDS.

Philadelphia? Come on. Philadelphia. Philadelphia. Alright. I tell you, it's the most amazing thing. People in Orange County, they're super nice, but there's some of the most PC audiences you can perform in front of. They're like, I've seen people with AIDS

on TV. Yeah, because you don't see any riding the Ferris wheel at this particular I forgot Tom Hanks did have a bad day he had AIDS he's had a lot of bad days there's the day with the skate the day with the AIDS he's had some shit happen to him you were there for one of them Joe versus volcano he was like he said adrift for a lot of days By himself And he thought He might not live Yeah

AIDS Splash Alright What did you say? AIDS Splash Splash of AIDS Splash of AIDS

Maybe Yeah That's the new New version of Splash It's like No no That's like It's about how you get AIDS

From mermaids It's the new Mermaids Mermaids That's. Mermaids. That's right. Mermaids. Full circle. Come on. Figured it out.

It only took us an hour and ten minutes and we did it. That is pretty awesome though. Mermaids. I fucked a fish and I got mermaids. She gave it to me. She gave it to me. She gave it to me. She gave it to me.

That is funny on so many levels because fucking a fish is just funny on its own. I'm totally going to tweet that after the show. Fucking tweet it right now. I fucked a fish and got mermaids. Tweet it right now. There's a guy running in the bathroom right now. Steal that tweet. I wish there was something called a merm. Tweet it right now. There's a guy running into the bathroom right now. Steal that tweet. I wish there was something

called a merm. That'd be even better. I fucked a merm and got mermaids. Fuck Eugene Merman. He's a good guy. He's gonna be on the Benson Interruption. And he has AIDS. Don't say that. What do you guys say we play the Leonard Maltin game

we're going to be playing for some exciting prizes tonight all of the guests brought prizes I brought some stuff let me walk you guys through it because it is an amazing bag of stuff that you're going to receive if you're the winner here tonight we have Brendan makes t-shirts that are fun is an amazing bag of stuff that you're going to receive if you're the winner here tonight. We have... Brendan makes t-shirts that are fun.

And I will prove it right now by showing you. This one says, Give me a break, I'm on heroin. See, that's fun. That's like, who wouldn't wear that proudly to the airport?

And then he's got another one that says... What does this say? It says, Pop Off. It's inspired from season one of Bad Girls Club. If anybody watched Bad Girls Club, there was a big... Did you ever watch Bad Girls Club? Do men watch that? I fucking watch the shit out of it.

There's this woman who was just like, Pop Off! Pop Off! The whole time time so i stole her idea all right and then oh this one looks kind of scary what is this it's just got my head on it brendejo that's like the real beard that's the real beard look Look at that. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. I had a joke in my act about that. Mexican guys call me Brandejo. Brandejo, yeah, that's a great... That was my go-to whenever I'd perform somewhere

with a heavily Hispanic audience. I would be like, if I was in El Paso, for instance, I'd go on stage and go, hey, it's great to be here. I've been having fun. You guys already have a nickname for me. Everybody's been calling me Pentejo. And then they all laugh

and we bond over that. I did that with Brendejo. Close to my name. Yeah, that's your name. Now I get it. Finally we get it. This one you're going to have to explain to me. It says kill them all

let Rod sort them out. Yeah, it's a picture of rod stewart singing there that's hilarious it's amazing not everybody loves it i love it can i have i just don't get it kill them all is it okay if i give chris porter one of your prizes audience i'll just i'll just get one from him it's a large do you wear large yeah i'll just get one from no. It's a large. Do you wear large? Yeah, I'll just get one from him. No, take this one. There's so many in here. Yeah, there's a lot. The winner won't care. And it's red, too.

That's not a good color. Whenever you go on television, they're like, don't wear red. Okay, then we have one. What does this say? It says, I have restless leg syndrome. And it's a guy just kind of spazzing out. You make awesome shirts. How many different shirts have you made?

I have probably ten designs. Okay. And then this one says dumb dog. Yeah, it's just got a drawing of a dog. It's a dumb dog. Don't forget to get raffle tickets for the German Shepherds After the show

Dumb dogs are the best Do you guys all have your tickets? German Shepherds Are very smart though You're a little Too fucking smart Okay so you also Will win

You will win a copy Of Doug Millard's CD Wipe Your Paws More dog references. Yeah. It's all dog stuff in here. Are all the shirts in there?

Oh, no, here's another one. This one says what? Abusive father's kick-ass. Well, you know I love the movie Kick-Ass, so that's good. Okay, so... You should just take that one, Doug. Oh, wait, there is another one. Wait, this is like a girly tea. Yeah, it's for a girl.

Baby tea. What does the baby tea say? It's a crazy baby-eating chicken. And it's just like a weird drawing of a chicken saying, Give me some babies. It's really easy to make t-shirts. I can teach you all how.

You just have to, like, learn how to do silkscreen. It's very easy. Do it in your apartment. I got a look at it. Crazy baby chicken, give me some babies. The chicken's got two big fangs.

He's a baby eating chicken. He's a baby eating chicken. Most chickens can't eat babies, they just peck at them. Alright, you'll also get, I bought $10 worth of tickets for the raffle after the show. For the German Shepherd thing. What's it called really the the charity coastal German Shepherd record yeah coastal German Shepherd rescue you rescue rescue all the all the German Shepherds Like on the beach Cause that's If I was gonna get rid of one

That's where I would take it Cause he'd be having fun Running around in the waves And then I'd be like See ya No I love dogs And that's an awesome cause We also have

Awesome paws It's a sweet paws I have The hotel when I checked in today We also have... Awesome paws. It's a sweet paws. I have... The hotel, when I checked in tonight, gave me two cookies, so I included those. Got two cookies for being a frequent traveler. And then we have a copy of my first CD, Professional Humor Idiot.

And that's available at AST Records. And then Chris Porter brought... Oh yeah, I didn't have any of my DVDs, so... He brought a John Roy CD. He's a very funny comedian. Yeah, he gave me his CD and I was like, what comic listens to other comic

CDs? Did you give it one spin or you didn't listen to it at all? I've heard his act. Yeah, okay. It was nice of him to get it. He's funny. I think he's funny. Yeah, me too. So yeah, somebody will get to listen to that. It's called

Paying It Forward. And then this is really generous of you. For some reason you gave up your Blu-ray disc copy of Old Dogs. Unopened. Unopened. Yeah. That bitch is right out the store.

And it comes with a digital copy, so you can put it on your iPod. You can take Old Dogs with you wherever you go. How many dog references is this? I did not win that in a golf tournament. And then how much money did you give me? 150 Mexican pesos.

So that's a... Yeah, that's 12 bucks. Oh, wait, there's another... Right at you. This shirt is fresh off the presses. That's an interruption shirt. We have it there also. And... Is that it? That's it. Well, in there also. And is that it? That's it. Well, in the bag.

You win the bag. You win one of these bags that you can use over and over again when you go get groceries. At Kohl's. Go green, yeah. Yeah, it says Kohl's on it, but I don't want to give them a plug. They didn't do anything to deserve a plug. You can't get

groceries at Kohl's. That was kind of my joke. Oh, sorry. Well, I just, you know, can you... They didn't do anything to deserve it. You don't shop. You can't get groceries at Kohl's. That was kind of my joke, right? Oh, really? I've never been to Kohl's. Can you buy groceries at Kohl's? It's like a... It's like a TJ Maxx. Yeah, I thought it was Kohl's.

Oh, shit. I'm just going to throw it over there. That's $10. There you go. Hey, those are real pesos. Are these podcasts ever edited, like, kind of down? No, why? This has been...

I think it's been seamless. This has been 100% gold all the way. Why, do you want us to edit out some of your deeper confessions that you've made on this particular podcast? All right, so, Brendan, what I'd like you to do is... I'm going to put everything in the bag. Oh, so Brendan, what I'd like you to do is... I'm gonna put everything in the bag. Okay. What I'd like you to do while I'm doing that is look out into the audience and please

pick someone. We like to favor the name tags because people made name tags and brought them down here with them. Dustin and Ryan went to a lot of trouble. So Brendan, pick somebody that you will be playing for to win all these amazing prizes and a chance to win some cool stuff in the dog auction.

I'll play for Dustin because we bonded on something. I forget. We made eye contact and he was the only one laughing at something I was talking about. Okay. The Tommy Chong movie. You saw that. That's what it was. Yeah.

And then Chris Porter, who would you like to play for? Well, I don't want to go all the way up front because that's lame. Yeah, don't play for someone who got here early and made the effort. Well, my mom's not here. Some people are saying they voted for you on Last Comic.

I get that. When I travel around, I get that. How do you prove that? You can't prove that. I have a story I want to tell. Shut up. When I travel around doing shows,

people, shut, quiet. Why are you still yelling? You're never going to get picked. When I am out on the road, people say to me all the time, we voted for you on Last Comic, which is a very sweet thing to say, because I didn't make it to the point

where people get to vote. I'm always like, you didn't vote for me, you asshole. Maybe they're like the people who watch baseball games with a book where they can keep score themselves. You mean they keep score? Yeah, they scored you high

in their own... In their minds, they called and voted for me, and I appreciate that, and please keep voting for me. I'm going to play for the chick with her two hands up back there. Does she have a name tag? Wait, do you have a name tag? Well, if you don't have a tag, you're disqualified.

So I'll go with Travis. Seamus? What is it? Frank? Frank. Seamus. I would totally pick Seamus. If there was a Seamus, I would totally pick that.

Sorry, sweetheart. You drove seven hours for this? You drove seven hours for this? What do you mean you drove seven hours? You should get a fucking job. Is that a... You drove seven hours for this? In this economy, what are you doing driving around? No one's playing guitar or nothing.

It's a cumulative seven hours. She ran a bunch of errands earlier. Where do you live seven hours away from here? It took you seven hours away from here? It took you seven hours to get here from San Francisco? You should fucking leave. First of all, that was long, and secondly, you came here for some other reason.

You didn't drive down for this show. I'm going to be in San Francisco on October. The same weekend I'm going to be there. We're both going to be up there the last weekend of October what are you doing you just found that out now all right we'll start driving because it takes you a while that was awesome. All right, Doug, who are you going to play for?

Where's the last contestant? I kind of like Sarah's name tag, to be honest with you. She put it on her iPad and everything. Yeah, I think that's the most creative I've seen. Oh, is that what she did? That is awesome. Although she's also going to school me if she's gone on those lengths. But let's do it. Let's do it. Sarah. Sarah.

You're playing for Sarah. Who are you playing for again? Seamus. Dustin with a Y. Seamus and Dustin. Frank, right? Frank. Alright, I don't know if any of you wandered into the Irvine Improv tonight

Not knowing what was going to happen And if you did, I apologize Four dudes just sat around talking about movies And not giving us prizes What the fuck was that about? But I have a ton of t-shirts in the green room That I'll chuck all over everyone

Oh yeah, everybody gets a t-shirt. Well, not everybody. Not everybody. Everybody. Everybody. I have a box. I'll just set a box. We can totally trust him when he says he has t-shirts

for a lot of you because, you know, he's not the kind of guy that would clock in for work and then leave all day and then come back and get a paycheck. He's not that kind of guy that would clock in for work and then leave all day and then come back and get a paycheck he's not that kind of person okay yeah there's a girl that wants one so she sounded cute so yeah you know what that means that means she's not okay exactly what that means i've got a baby doll voice and I weigh 700 pounds. That's a guy that's done morning radio.

Oh yeah, we always give tickets to the girl who sounds cute on the phone. Yeah, absolutely. And she comes down to the club and then we'll have to shut down because of a waitress. How did you make your phone sound like that? I have an app.

It's called Hot Girl. That's a good idea. It's called the Hot Girl app. That is another good idea. Put that, file that. We said self-cleaning. It's a good idea. Self-adjusting ratchet, too.

That came out. Yeah. I invented that like 13 years ago as well. Only in my head. We got a phone down. Fortunately, it has one of those rubber things on it. Oh, and you... Yeah, my phone won't break or give anyone

AIDS. Because it's got one of those rubber things on it. Okay. Here we go. Seriously, wear condoms. We're going to play the Leonard Maltin game, and if you don't understand how it works, just listen, you'll figure it out. I will start with...

Let's start with Brendan, and we'll work this way towards me. Your category choices, Brendan, are actors from Glenenn gary glenn ross like other movies that they've been in okay the people from glenn gary glenn ross uh boxing movies movies about or featuring boxing okay and then finally we had a submission from someone on the internet on Twitter. Somebody wrote someone whose name on Twitter is

at the awful people. So that's a weird Twitter name. At the awful people. Their suggestion was plane movies. Movies that take place in or around a plane. Oh, sweet. I don't like that one. So would you like Glenn Ross, boxing, or plane movies?

I think... Don't yell out the answers, you guys, when we get to that. I think I'm going to go Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. Alright, cool. I failed miserably last time I was on this podcast. And I knew Terms of Endearment, I just couldn't think of the fucking name.

Oh, that's funny, because that's the answer to this one. Yes! I just won! Now, you get to pick a Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross actor movie from 1988, 2001, or 2006. I will go

1988. Wow. Captain Old School. Okay, this is from 88. Leonard Maltin gave it three stars. That's probably fairly accurate. I'll give you a couple of clues from the review that probably won't help

because I don't want to give too much away. He says that Sylvia Sidney has a cameo in the movie, if you know who that is. And then he also calls it great fun. She was in Spy Kids 2 as well. Oh, really? Even though he only gives it... I don't know, I was never there.

He only gives it three stars, but he calls it Great Fun, so that's an interesting... Great Fun? Great Fun. It's Great Fun, but only three stars out of four fun. And there are 11 names.

How many names do you think you can get it in Reading from the bottom up I think I might know what it is I'm going to say I didn't hear what he said No I know but there's a guy sitting here Who just keeps yelling out random Al Pacino like why are you yelling that out?

Like, shut the fuck up. Eleven names? Yeah. I'm going to say I could name it in eight. All right. Let's go to Chris Porter. Name that movie. Wow.

Yeah, I know. Doug Millard gets no chance to participate. So you give me eight names. You get eight names. Wow. Doug Millard gets no chance to participate. So you give me eight names. You get eight names. Okay. Do you want the clues again? The letter, he gave it three stars. Three stars. Said it was fun. Sylvia Sidney's in it. It's great fun.

Okay. And it features an actor from Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. That's the category. The eight names are Annie McEnroe, Dick Cavett, yeah, the talk show host, Glenn Shaddix, passed away recently, RIP, Robert Goulet, also dead,

Sylvia Sidney, also dead, Winona Ryder, still living as far as I know. How many names is that? That's six. Catherine O'Hara and Jeffrey Jones. From 1988. Jesus Christ. But you didn't give me the top three names.

Yeah, because you get eight out of 11 names. Right, right. From the bottom. From the bottom. There's three names that I think Would totally give it away But I gave you 8 names That should give it away I assume there's people in the audience That think they know it

What's crazy is they talked about it Did she just really yell out the name of the movie? He didn't hear it What's the matter? I didn't hear it They talked about it on the cast, on the set of Spy Kids 2. You're not supposed to help me, right?

Are you trying to help him? No, I was saying I was making fun of Spy Kids 2. Another Spy Kids 2 reference. 1988. Dick Cavett. I heard what she said that time. This woman over here keeps yelling home alone. Why are you yelling out

you're fucking so wrong. You're crazy wrong. It's nothing that I said had anything to do with home alone. Other than great fun. It is great fun. Please don't yell out what you think the answer is. Unless you think it's funny to yell out the wrong answer, in which what you think the answer is. Unless you think it's funny to yell out the wrong answer,

in which case you're kind of right. Maybe she has Tourette's. Tourette's, but just with movie titles. What a weird performance for her to go to. A show featuring a game about movies, and she's got movie Tourette's. She's just sitting there, ah, True Grit, God with the Wind, E.T. Okay.

That True Grit remake looks awesome, by the way. That's my new favorite haven't-seen-it-yet movie. Do you have a guess? There are a couple names that threw me off. Well, It is tricky After Hours is before 88, right? Yeah, and no one from Glengarry Glen Ross is in After Hours

That's what I was trying to think about There could be a small cameo And no one from Glengarry Glen Ross is in Home Alone either What about 88 88 Alright, you've had enough time Miami Blues Okay good, you guessed something, that's wrong

And everyone's going to know When I say the remaining three names Gina Davis, Alec Baldwin, and Michael Keaton Somebody yelled Beetlejuice three times Oh fuck Dick Cavill was in that movie You're right, Home Alone was close Shut the fuck up already

She's sitting right next to me And won't stop talking I got a show to do over here Alright But they seem like nice people Um Win Okay so

Chris Porter just won the point Yeah So you're one point away from winning Sorry Dustin It's all strategy. Yeah, you definitely know how to play. Since Doug wasn't involved in any of that,

we'll start with him on this next one. Would you like the category in theaters now, that's motion pictures that are playing in theaters now, or baseball movies? I've got a lot of sports things because I was on the Sklar Brothers podcast recently

and they love sports. Or football movies. So would you like in theaters now or boxing or football? Let's go baseball movies. That's what I meant to say, baseball. Yeah, I was like, when boxing show? Yeah, I threw boxing in at the last second.

Alright. Baseball movie from 1977? 19... What is that? 89 or 94? All the 1900s. Let's go... 94.

Okay. Most recent. Good strategy. Two and a half stars. 94 okay most recent good strategy two and a half stars can't say I ever saw it from beginning to end so I agree he calls it an inoffensive remake and he says it was followed by two sequels

people are laughing at something completely in their own minds. Because I'm pretty sure I didn't say anything funny. Home Alone 2. And there are... Home Alone was followed by two sequels. It was three sequels, I think, actually.

Okay, there are 13 names. How many names can you get in, Doug Millard? 13. 13 names. It's a baseball movie. Two and a half stars, so it's not a classic. Two and a half stars, and there's two sequels. A couple of sequels.

A couple of sequels. 94. That I also never saw. And what did Malton say? What? What did Malton say? He said that it was an inoffensive remake and that there were two sequels. All right. How many out of 13?

You guys are really dragging this out. Yeah, let's say seven. Seven names. Brandon Walsh. I could I'll say name that movie. Wow! You guys are throwing the towel club.

Well, because he was going to say it to me. Because he was going to. Well, yeah, he went seven. Who goes seven right out of the gate? What an asshole. It's a fucking bold bid. I'll admit it. Yeah, so suck it.

Suck your bull. All right, here's your seven names. No yelling out answers. Adrian Brody. Dermot Mulroney. Matthew McConaughey. Taylor Negron. He's the one that delivered the pizza to Sean Penn in Fast Times.

J.O. Sanders. Christopher Lloyd. Ah! Marty! Ah! Chica Watts. And Milton Davis Jr. Can I steal it if you don't get it?

Well, no. Wait, wait. Yeah, I regret my answer now. I didn't know that was a remake. I didn't either. What was a remake? You know what it is? Yeah.

Oh, okay. And you guys both know what it is and Doug doesn't know. Junior or senior? Huh? Junior or senior? Who? Yeah. Oh, okay. You guys both know who it is and Doug doesn't know. Junior or senior? Huh? Junior or senior? Who? Milton. Milton Davis Jr. I know, that's the worst name of them all. That one's got

six billing. That's above Christopher Lloyd? Yeah. Christopher Lloyd. Baseball movie. God damn it. 1994. Does anyone in the audience think they know it okay I will think they know it don't yell it okay that home alone say I'm just trying to put some pressure on him he's thinking about it hard it's mine

milled he's gonna shit his pants if you don't answer soon. He's thinking about it that hard. You have no idea. Can we say it? Yeah, please. Angels in the Outfields. That's right! Angels in the Outfields. Fuck! Also starring...

I just said six! Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in that. What? From Inception and 30 Days of Summer. And Ben Johnson, Brenda Fricker, Tony Danza, the great. Tony Danza. And Danny Glover. Mona.

Angels in the Outfield. Angels in the Outfield. All right, so you missed. Who told them to name it? Brendan? I did. So you and Chris each have one point. This is an exciting match, you guys.

Who are we playing for again? Remind me. Oh, so that was good. I'm playing for Dustin, Seamus, Travis, Frank, and Sarah. Alright, here we go.

Who got the point? Brendan? I did that time. Who told him to name that movie? I did. I told him the name. You told him to name it? Yeah. Okay, so we start with Chris Porter. And you get to pick the category from the categories we've already heard. Let's go within theaters now, football or plane movies. Football.

Okay, football. Do you want one from 99, 2000, or 2009? 99. 99. Here we go. Two stars from Leonard Maltin don't disagree. He calls it strident

and this guy that won't stop talking thinks it's tremors. One of the best movies of all time. Michael Grossman. Alright. He calls it strident and he says that the director of the movie appears as a sports

booth announcer and there are 17 names start the bidding Chris Porter third place last comic standing fourth season of last comic standing what? fourth season Chris Porter. Third place, Last Comic Standing. Eight. Fourth season of Last Comic Standing.

What? Fourth season. Is that what it was? Eight. He says eight names. Doug Millard. Six. Brendan. I think I might know what it is. Alright. What did you say? Seven?

Six? Four. Two. Two. I'll say four. I'm going to go for it. He says four. I think I know what it is. Chris, what do you say?

I think I know what it is, too, but I don't know. Can you do it in less than four? What happened to going one at a time? Let's just skip in numbers. Okay, I'll say five. No, you say four. Okay, four. Four.

Just say three then. Or say name it. Or go zero. Three. Oh, nice. Oh, Doug Millard with the two. Where does that put Brandon now? Thinks he knows what it is.

Well, it's not the one movie I'm thinking of. But I wouldn't recognize any names. Okay. Are you thinking about the same movie I'm thinking of? If you say name that movie to him and he doesn't get it, we have a three-way tie. No, I win. No, if he says name that movie.

I mean, if he does get it. If he does get it. If he does get it. Yeah, you're right. Forget. Don't mind me. I'm just the host. Yeah, name that movie. All, you're right. Forget, don't mind me. I'm just the host. Yeah, name that movie.

Alright, exciting. Alright, you said two names? Do you need the clues again? No, no. Okay, the names are Elizabeth Berkley and James Caron. Is it the program? No. Fuck! Damn it!

What football movie is Elizabeth Berkley in? What was it? Does anybody know is Elizabeth Berkley in? What was it? What was the name? Does anybody know? Elizabeth Berkley was in a football movie It's not Any Given Sunday It's Any Given Sunday Directed by Oliver Stone That's what got me

When you said the director's in the booth I actually kind of like that movie So since you missed it, Brendan's our winner Congratulations Oh I did? Oh shit And you win prizes for Dustin I actually kind of like that movie. So since you missed it, Brendan's our winner. Congratulations. Oh, I did? Oh, shit. Yeah, you win.

Brendan's the winner. And you win prizes for Dustin? Yep. All right, here you go, Dustin. Congratulations. Well done. And the runners-up each get to name a shithead for me to name at the end of the show. So let's start with you, Brendan. Any plugs you got?

Stuff that's coming up you want to plug? the show. So let's start with you, Brendan. Any plugs you got? Stuff that's coming up? You want a plug? I'll be at Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco with Michael Ian Black November 4th through 7th. And I'll also be October 25th. I'll be at

someplace called Waves in San Diego with Eric Andre and Moshe Kasher. Someplace they have a surfing pool in the middle of the place where we're going to be doing comedy. Chris, where are you going to be? I'm going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco.

Are you going to do spots on the shows? Oh, I might come by. I want you to come by my show. My Saturday matinee on October 30th. October 30th. So then I'll be at the Punchline that weekend and then I hope you come and do my shows that night. Yeah, that'd be fun.

Because then we can sit in the courtyard outside the Punchline and get fucking stoned. Oh, it's the best. It's the best. It's not like being behind the orange curtain. Here at this mall where we're performing, the only good place to get high is the Ferris wheel and it's closed

because it's raining and it's nighttime. Now there's some other spots. I know some spots. All right. And Doug, what about you? You got anything to plug? Our bar, November 9th. And then...

Where? Our bar here, LA. Our bar. Don't you have to know our password to get in that bar? Yeah. I don't know what the password is yet. And then Helium, Portland, Oregon, December 8th through the 11th. With my friend, Amy Schumer.

That'll be awesome. So go see them. And I have t-shirts for more people We'll go grab them right now My album just dropped on iTunes Brendan's gonna go grab some t-shirts and throw them out to people They put the dressing room for the comics Here at the lovely Irvine Improv Right next to the stage

Which is awkward for me Because I don't want all that smoke to billow out every time I walk out. It just goes right into the crowd. But yeah, we got some t-shirts, so you're just going to toss them out to people? Are you going to do it like baseball stadium style? Where you're like, who wants to... Just throw them. I love that. I love when people

throw shirts into an audience. I want to see them hit a candle. People love it. No, you got to do the thing where you cut your ear. And we're going to have a drawing for German Shepherds. To make some noise. Oh, I wish you had a t-shirt gun. I just wish I had a t-shirt gun just to have. Yeah, right?

That always comes in handy. Oh, girl. Hey, asshole outside my hotel That won't stop honking his horn T-shirt Yeah just shoot a t-shirt at him It's like the beginning of a machete Who's a little lady

There was one woman that wanted The chicken that eats people shirt Was it you? Okay good Everybody wins Extra large dude Oh that guy is an extra-large dude it's a good thing you gave it to him a large dude agile though exhale dude I Oh, I guess I don't have a smile. Yay, that guy got his shirt after yelling incoherent shit the whole show. Everybody wins at Doug Loves Movies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so let's have one more round of applause for all my guests. Brandon Walsh, Chris Porter, Doug Millard. Thank you so much for coming out. People of Orange County and nearby areas

to see this. I really appreciate it. Keep listening to the podcast. As always, I'm going to be at the St. Louis Funny Bone November 8th and 9th And as always, Sarah Palin is a shithead And Sir Ian McKellen is a shithead Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie

Isaac Holt is viewing prowess makes him cocky There's no room in his heart for you Cause Doug loves movies