Doug Loves Movies - Live in St. Louis

Episode Date: May 24, 2016

Recorded live at Helium Comedy Club (it's a gas) in St. Louis, Missouri on May 25, 2016. Bert Kreischer, Geoff Tate, and Jeremy Essig guest.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey everybody, thanks for buying this episode of Doug Loves Movies from St. Louis, or for knowing someone who bought it. I hope you feel it's two bucks well spent, because this is one of them train wreck eps, and I'm not talking about no Amy Schumer movie. The reason I decided to put this particular show behind the paywall is twofold. One, we haven't had a paid ep in a minute, and they help keep the lights on, as they say. And two, and this is the bigger reason, the less people who hear this one, the better. I am honestly embarrassed by my behavior in it, but I think this episode has some very funny moments,

and people want to hear it, so here we are. I thought about editing out some of the uglier parts, or the long, long weird quiet sections, but I really couldn't bring myself to even listen to it. Maybe someday, but for now I'm way too bummed that things went so badly. For more on where I went wrong in dealing with Bert Kreischer, check out the 2 hours plus episode of the Bert cast called Doug Loves Burt taped the day after the disastrous budding of comedic heads that occurred at the beautiful and friendly New Helium Comedy Club located behind the Weber Grill restaurant at the Richmond Hills Galleria in St. Louis.

Richmond Hills, is that right? You don't have to take sides. I prefer you not to take sides. This isn't about Team Bert or team Doug this is about two friends who weren't on the same page but now are better friends than ever before and we will work together again

and he will be back on Doug Loves Movies so here it is the unedited mess from St. Louis enjoy Doug hates candy wrappers So here it is, the unedited mess from St. Louis. Enjoy. Please Hey, hey, hey, everybody. My name is Doug, and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies!

Oh, no. I'm so glad there's a wall behind me. I would have fallen over. Coming to you for the first time, not the first time from this city, but the first time from the new Helium Comedy Club, it's a gas, is St. Louis, Missouri! is St. Louis, Missouri!

Are there people here that came to this club and this mall for the first time this evening? Was the club hard to find? I swear that there's a sign in the mall that's like, helium this way, and points to the second floor, when in fact, it's not only downstairs, but then the entrance is on the outside, and the club itself is also down another set of stairs.

So welcome to the basement. And show me your gassy name tags, you guys. Oh, boy. I got to remember to periscope when the guests are picking their name tags tonight because it is... This is crazy. Very, very well done. The Ben Commandments

of course. What? Jer Red Dawn. Oh my god. What's this crazy doll in the front row? It's a 34 year old doll. It's a 34 year old baby.

It's the Benjamin-year-old baby. It's the Benjamin Button of dolls. And there's something on a stick. Is that a selfie stick you put that on? Or just a regular stick? But it's way up above everybody's. I still can't tell what it is. It's a picture

of Princess Leia and me with her. Or I'm Princess Leia. And you're? Or I'm Princess Leia? And you're Luke and I'm holding on to you? Nice. Well done. That black swan thing, put that down. That is creepy as fuck.

I'm sorry, Blake Swan. All right, put them all down. We're going to bring those back out in a little while. And congratulations, those of you who got food in. Because this is a restaurant. And I just had some delicious chicken fingers. I recommend them. I recommend them highly.

Doug. It's time for Doug plugs Tomorrow night I'm doing stand up Right here on this very stage In front of this painted arch That's what I love about the helium clubs Is they always paint A well known view In the city that the club is in

Because the people in this town Probably don't get enough of the Arch. They're just like, when I go see comedy I still want to be looking at the Arch. So yeah, tomorrow night. Some of you are coming tomorrow night? Yeah. Well, don't forget to bring your name tags

except for the Blake Swan guy. I don't want to see that again. No, he can bring his. Are you coming tomorrow night, Blake? Okay, so bring it again, I guess. And then you'll be able to get up here maybe and play Last Man Standing and find out how difficult it is to do when you play in front of an audience. I'll be in Boston on Saturday, New York City Monday,

douglosmovies.com. That's douglosmovies.com. The prize bag tonight is small but mighty because I've got a sticker that says a la fucking Bama. A big delusious cookie, chocolate chip,

which would probably melted and then unmelted in the course of my travels today. A pipe from Peacemaker. A Douglas Movies t-shirt. And from my personal VHS collection. An episode of the WB Sketch Show hype, and the episode title is Valentine's Day, so it's going to be some romantic sketches in that one,

22 minutes of romance sketchery, and then an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And this one is called The Wish. You seen that one? Okay. And my guests also brought some stuff for the prize bags. Should I introduce them? I saw some good detective work on some of the name tags,

but I don't think anybody has all three of these people on their name tag. Please give a big warm welcome to Jeremy Essig, Bert Kreischer, and Jeff Tate! Thank you! I have a size 8. Where the fuck are you taking that, Doug? No, Doug. No, Doug. Doug, that's my prize. I have nothing to do with 100 burgers.

Doug, where are you taking that? There's been a little bit of green room drama, everybody. Let me walk you through it. I had the brilliant idea of buying 100 burgers to give away at the show, not realizing this is a restaurant. Bert, you should have just said, I had the idea. Brilliant is a little bit of an overstatement. It's the same way Vietnam started.

They're like, hey, man, we just go over there, we clean them out, and we come home. And they were like, ah, they fucking live there. You are the most falsely equivalent metaphor maker of all time. Jeff backstage goes, you're like the Rosa Parks. That is not what happened. That is not what happened. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Harriet Tubman. He goes, you're the Harriet Tubman

of burgers. You walk them from a place and then set them free. Oh. Don't you love your bad mood now, fuckface? I fucking... I want to fight him and Doug so bad. Okay. Because I said to Bert when he came in with them, like, you know,

it's a fun thing you did, but it's them, like, you know, it's a fun thing you did, but it's also, like he already said, it's a restaurant. Hold on. But I didn't realize it until the look on your face and you went like this. You were eating a chicken finger and you go, why would you bring food to a restaurant?

And it dawned on me then, I went, yeah, this wasn't the best idea I've had. The next time I do a show in a place that's not a restaurant, which happens a lot with this show, that would be awesome if you brought 100 burgers and we just spent the whole show distributing them. Fun to listen to. Fun to eat.

How many people here like Burger King cheeseburgers? Oh, not such a bad idea now, huh? No, no. Did you see at least half of the people don't like them at all? It's the mustard. It's the mustard. There's mustard on those? Oh, it's so good.

I'm so glad I just threw them all in the garbage. Hold the fucking phone. I'll give you your... You're not going to find them. You're not going to find them, Bert. He's running around screaming about his burgers I'm a professional podcaster An entertainer

I've been doing this for a while And when he walked in with all those burgers I was like he's gonna make this whole fucking show About his stupid burgers And I even asked him nicely To not bring the burgers out on stage And he comes waltzing out with all of them. So we have to discuss it now.

Now he's really trying to find them. Hey, does that door lock? Oh, good idea. Yeah. I just had to pay them $100 to find the fucking burgers. I'm $300 into these fucking burgers. $100 to find the fucking burgers. I'm $300 into these fucking burgers.

This is the worst idea I've ever fucking made. Bert is like if a puppy had money. That is the best. Oh, shit. Please take them away. No, no, no. I brought them off stage because they're going off stage. Don't have them anywhere nearby. Keep them on hand.

I'm good for my money. Oh, my God. You're the worst. Do not buy them from me. Okay. Is this the most guests you've ever had on BurtCast? Am I running this show? Well, apparently it's all about your burgers.

Oh, let's get back to Leonard Maltin. We're not going to play the Leonard Maltin game because it's not part of the show anymore. I stopped listening when you stopped playing Leonard Maltin like those people over there. They stopped listening and they just wait for a live taping to happen so they can come down and moan when it comes up that we're not playing

Leonard Maltin. They didn't feel they were getting their votes in on Twitter when they've been complaining about it and complaining about it. But thanks for being here, Bert. Don't mention it.

I'll be selling burgers after the show. That's why I told them... Real quick while I'm killing. I told them Real quick while I'm killing I told them to refrigerate them So at least they'll still be good After

And that'd be a fun thing To give everybody one On their way out Oh yeah That's not a bad idea Yeah it's not a terrible idea at all After they've processed This meal they've already had

Real quick Birth of Conqueror airs June 7th on Travel Channel My special airs on Showtime That's it Alright Oh you just jumped right To the end of the show So I guess Real quick, Birth of Conqueror airs June 7th on Travel Channel. My special airs on Showtime. That's it. All right. Oh, you just jumped right to the end of the show, so I guess you can go.

You love me, Douglas. I know it. And he's filming me on his fucking periscope that he never stops filming anything he ever does. Like, I go onto my periscope, and you're the only friend I have that has 50 recent Periscopes. Yeah. And I'll click on one randomly, and I always regret it. Dude, us millennials need to stick together.

I'm the only person Periscoping their sleep test. Like, no one my age is periscoping. Are you Snapchat? Oh no, old man periscope is here. I'm like, Snapchat, I shit blood this morning. Uh-oh. Let's hope I found roasted beets last night. So what you're saying is

this isn't the first time you bought a hundred burgers. It's actually not. This is, it gets worse, you guys. He called ahead to the Burger King to order a hundred burgers. Like he's the lamest big shot. They didn't think I was real.

I had them Google me. I said, I landed, I was like, can I order a hundred burgers? And when I first called five guys, and they said no.

They were like like call Burger King we can't do that I think they saved you a lot of money because a five guys burger isn't just a dollar and we'd all have a different look on our faces if I had a 105 guys burger and then Burger King said to me are you being serious

I said yeah and he was like yeah we'll start that and I was like no no no I'm being real serious my name is Burt Kreischer google yeah and he was like yeah we'll start that and i was like no no no i'm being real serious my name is burke kreischer google me and he goes and then all of a sudden i hear someone go i'll start making them they just must have seen a fat picture of me i didn't even tell him i was coming to a show i just said i want to hey burke hey burke yeah you've got an eyelash right now yes that is several inches long Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert. Yeah? You've got an eyelash right now that is several inches long.

It's my lucky eyelash. I want to pluck it so bad. No, no, no, don't pluck it. It's so lucky. It's lucky. It's so weird. Every time I grow it, I make money. Hence the $300 I'm into the burgers.

It's fucking beautiful. You make money because you grow it out long enough and then sell it for charity? No. No, no, no. I wrote my book when I had my last eyelash.

My first hour special. My hour special is coming up on Showtime. My show, The Bird Conqueror on Travel Channel, June 7th. Wait, you just ended

the show again. The plugs are at the end. Let's meet our guests individually. Is that okay with you? Sure, start with me, though. All right, let's start on the other end. Oh, fuck. Let's start on the quiet end. Let's meet our guests individually. Is that okay with you? Sure, start with me, though. All right, let's start on the other end. Oh, fuck.

Let's start on the quiet end, because he's been so polite this entire time. First time guest on the show. Hello. Say hello to Jeremy Essig, everybody. Well, it was my first time, so I really wanted to study up, so I didn't do poorly in the game. And then I didn't realize that I should have just read the menu at Burger King.

And that was super my bad. Like, that's what I get for preparing. You made a good call. Jeremy is a local St. Louis comedy phenom. Well, thank you. Jeremy is a local St. Louis comedy phenom. If you've attended comedy shows here in town, you've probably seen him. And I'm happy to have you on the show, man. Thanks for having me, man. Yeah, it's exciting.

Thank you. And Jeff Tate is here, everybody. My applause better be bigger than that. Well, I hate to break this to you, Bert, but Jeff is way more popular than you. I mean, maybe not overall. But with this crowd, I think they like him better. I haven't tried growing my eyelash out

yet. Maybe that's what I'm missing. That's the break your career needs. The old lucky eyelash. I am well aware of how funny Jeff Tate is. Tell him about the phone call I gave you the other day when I was drunk at a bar. What? I called you up the other day and I was

like, hey man, I haven't been watching your stuff for a while but man you really are fucking hilarious do you remember this oh yeah yeah that was a text message and uh it was like he probably spoke it into his phone and the phone was like we'll take it from here we'll just go ahead and text that

it was also like it was also at like 11 in the morning where you were also like it was also at like 11 in the morning. Yeah. Where you were. So it was 9 in the morning. Were you 9 in the morning? Yeah. Fuck yeah. I was cracking on. I was at a bar watching rooftop comedy.

And then if you watch Jeff's clips they're really good. Well that's very nice of you. Sometimes it's like sometimes when Bert gets going I get a little frustrated, but then he turns into something like that, and it's like, yeah, keep going, Bert. I like it when you get on a roll like this.

Yeah. Thank you for having me again, Doug. Audience, I appreciate it. Did anybody put Jeff's face on their name tag? Do we have some people that thought he might show up? Oh, look at that. There's a horse on the train. Okay, settle down.

Holy shit. Put that down. I think you've already won because you brought a Lone Ranger poster. That's right. That's exactly the sort of thing Jeff's looking for. Yeah, yeah, four stars. Jeremy ran the first Opal mic I ever went to. That's pretty cool.

That's pretty fucking cool. And here we are. Yeah, we made it. It's harder to do it when you trim your eyelashes. Yeah, I think that was both of our mistakes. We're not gimmick comics like Bert. Get your picture taken next to a weird eyelash. Bring your family.

Did you just spill a little on yourself, Bert? I did. Yeah, it'll clean right up because it's soda water that you spilled on yourself. No, I spilled wine earlier. I was trying to clean it up. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, so here he is, everybody. Bert Kreischer.

Let's take that from the top. Do it one more time. I told you I didn't want you to be disappointed, but they like Jeff more. In fairness, you were as popular as Burger King. Half of the people here love Burt Kreischer and Burger King.

Wait, did you go there because your initials are BK? You're the Burger King! Burt's the Burger King! That's what they Googled. They just looked at their employee handbook and his name was on the first page. They're like, oh, fuck, we better do this. He's the one that

thought up mustard. Mustard's not a bad idea. Gird your loins, BK is coming. I am so fucked up right now. Really? On what? I've been drinking since whenever I left.

Wait, you walked in and the first thing you said is are we going to do this show sober? I meant you guys. I know I'm not sober. And there's no smoke in the green room and I was just like, what's going on? And Jeff's fucking drinking water and you're doing push-ups.

It's my pre-show ritual You're staring in the mirror going Get some, get some Now I'm starting to have that thing Where I feel sorry for that lady That only can see the side of Jeremy Those front row seats. Sorry, this is my hairline. End up being kind of weird.

Jeremy, what do you got for the prize bag? All right. So I have, I brought a couple buttons if you want to dress like me, which is the equivalent of a Claire's Boutique exploding. I brought my high school Dinosaur Jr. T-shirt. And then I brought two albums. I brought X-Hex's Rips, which is one of my favorite albums

the last two years. And if that's not your style, I went to the dollar bin and I got Mark Morrison's Return of the Mac. So there we go. Can I have the bag too? Because we're going to need to consolidate. We're going to need to

put it in this bigger bag. Thank you. You're going to need a bigger bag. All that stuff. Jeff, what do you got? Oh, I got a... Hang on. I got this weekender thing that's got a little one-hitter in it

and a lighter and a necklace thing that you put around your neck and then you go to a music festival and you just, you know, be cool. There's that. That's from Incredibles. They gave it to us in Denver. And a copy of my new album.

Again. Jeff Tate. Again. Right there. Yeah. How would you say it, Bert? Again. No, the whole title.

Geoff Tote. I mean, I get the mispronunciation of Jeff because of how he spells it, but Tote? I didn't read it I read it differently you couldn't use the context of the fact that that's my name by my face and you're sitting next to me

to figure out what that was I've never once read your name in my phone as Jeff I read Geoff all the time I go even when I think of you I go oh that's called jeff tate and i go you mean geoff wait you say that to yourself uh i did it i did it today when i texted you and said meet me outside for the burgers burt if this goes sideways on me and everyone starts saying that to me we're gonna we're about to have a real like one of them kumail mark maron falling out on the show right now

you know what i listened to that episode that's what back when they played the leonard malton game do you think you would be good at the leonard malton game oh no i was you just got my own name wrong and you were reading it i was horrible at the leonard malton game i was horrible at it when i asked you to say how do you say the title of this album, I just wanted you to go, Jeff Tate again? That's how I read it. Like, more Jeff Tate? And I said, Jove Tote.

Jove Tote. The next one's going to be called Still with a question mark. Followed by, I'll go away when you go away. followed by I'll go away when you go away yeah yeah like just get push your audience

away as much as possible fuck I'll fucking stare you down what do you have for the bag Bert two stupid shirts but they're Bert the machine shirts

no what I had a hundred cheeseburgers now all I have this one'sers Now all I have This one's from A story I tell on my hour special Airing on Showtime

It's a marshmallow shirt And that's a machine shirt I tell that story on my hour special So it is a machine shirt I said you got a machine shirt You went no I just thought it was so much better to give someone a hundred burgers and make them deal

with it. Someone? The person that won would be like, this is too much for me. Your thought process was, people bring donuts and Doug throws them. I'm going to bring hamburgers and we'll throw those at the audience. Yeah, and the look on your face meant that's not going to happen. Yeah, because people brought donuts for us to throw

and they got them into this restaurant somehow. Oh, shit meant, that's not going to happen. Yeah, because people brought donuts for us to throw. And they got them into this restaurant somehow. Oh, shit. And that's how it works. Wow. But we had a lot of fun with your burgers, even though we didn't... We had a lot of fun with the burgers. Throw them? We'll be eating them later.

They'd be messy to throw. They'd be messy to throw? Well, they're individually wrapped, ma'am. I don't know if you've been... I don't know if you've been to a BK. I don't know if you know anything about fine dining establishments. It's not just the ingredients.

Wait a minute. Did you think he had some kind of launcher that would just throw a hundred unwrapped burgers at once? Because if you do have that, I don't care. Get them. I can't believe we're mansplaining cooking to a woman. Wait. Yeah, that's what they do over at Burger King.

Cooking. It's called reheating. Bart. Bart Kirshner. Fuck it. Just say he got you. Bart Kirshner Fuck it just say it Bart Kirshner Oh I'm so dumb I can't say names Fart Bartner

If anyone's listening to this right now If you take a video of you standing in front of your house At night time with a full moon going I'll retweet it Oh no right now, if you take a video of you standing in front of your house at night time with a full moon going, Jee-ho-f, I'll retweet it. Oh, no. Jee-ho-f! You should have just

let it drop. Do you think I'm going to lose this round? You're drunk already. Yeah. You know what happens when the Hulk gets mad? This was a bad analogy. Actually, it's weird.

He gets pro-grade amnesia. Hulk get mad, Hulk get pro-grade amnesia. I'm pretty sure that the Hulk carried a hundred hamburgers to freedom. Bert and the Hulk are very similar in that both of them, when they get angry, their clothes don't fit.

You have to admit, you love the show when I'm on it, because I just get destroyed. The Pétanque Oswald one, that was a fucking nightmare. That was a classic, yes. Oh man, I had to talk to my therapist about that. He watched the video. He was like, dude, they fucking lit you up.

Does your therapist ever tell you about that weird eyelash? Can you guys see it? It's so weird. If you want to see it after the show, I'll show it to you. Come get a burger. Should I sell merch after the show?

Sell the eyelash. You might as well. Fuck it. Yeah, that's the deal. Throw in a burger with every purchase. Oh, yeah. That's what I was just about to say. I'm going to sell CDs after the show

Are you really? Yeah, I'm working on my own weekend So I like to move product when there's a crowd And I'm selling my parents' HBO Go password That is fucking hilarious Jeff is selling his CDs again I got a question that I ask everybody At this part of the show, Bert

And I'm going to start with Jeremy Start, yep, thank you Yeah, yeah, it's math I ask a math equation question No I'm trying to think of the last movie I saw Yeah that's the question What was the last movie you saw Jeremy? Last night I watched a Twisted Sister documentary

What's it called? Twisted Fucking Sister No Yeah we are Twisted Fucking Sister Wow It was about the 10 years it took them To build up the fan base that let them be successful for two years.

I mean, you know, it's only a couple years before people started saying we're not going to take it. Yeah, well. It was probably a bad idea in retrospect to put that in everyone's heads. You know what I mean? Well, I thought that's where you got the title

for your album, because when they called the one album Twisted Sister, we're not going to take it, and you were like, I will call mine Jeff Tate again. I'm sorry, too, you guys. Do you recommend this film? Yeah, I do. If you like hair metal or music

or just Dee Snider. Dee Snider. Dee Snider's hair. Yeah. He's great in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. He is? Jeff, what... Bert's got to use his phone

to figure out his past acts. Like, what movie did I see? Maybe I texted somebody about it. I would like to point out that Bert wants to play the Leonard Maltin game and can't answer what's the last movie you saw. You know, I'm laughing with you and rooting against you at the same time. Oh, Bert. Yeah, me too.

The Nice Guys was the last movie I saw. Yes. And it's fucking great. Good stuff. You gotta see it, you guys. It's so good. Please go see it. Please go see it. Everyone go see that movie. It's fucking great. Yeah. If everyone here tonight sees it, it still

will not be a big box office success. Oh, but you're talking to the listeners. I'm talking to everybody that can hear me. So if every listener goes tonight sees it, it still will not be a big box office success. Oh, but you're talking to the listeners. I'm talking to everybody that can hear me. So if every listener goes and sees it, that'll be okay, I guess. Yeah. Make a little bit of money. And then when you are a guest on a podcast, you tell those listeners. And then when they're a guest on a podcast, they'll tell their listeners.

Just spread the word about the nice guys. Yeah. It's great. It's a very fun movie. And now, Bert, we've come to you. Pass. Dude, while you were thinking, you were licking your lips like the Sarlacc pit.

The really chat. I would love it if a bounty hunter fell into your mouth. By the way, all those jokes are lost on me. I have no the fuck idea what you guys nerds are talking about. Oh, sorry. Should we talk about football or whatever, you big jock? That's the movie Draft Day.

That's the last one I saw. Oh, okay. Yeah. I watch that all the time when it comes on. I really like the way he flips it at the end. He really gets them. He really tricks everybody and gets the team players he wants. Coach, let me do my job!

It's a great fucking movie. That's an example of how amazing the dialogue is. Coach, let me do my job. I'm not acting it all the way out. If I did, obviously everyone would get it. Wait, I thought you just mocked everyone for being a nerd

but I saw Draft Day and that's a movie about the Browns being successful in the draft for once, right? Which seems way more fantastical than literally any comic book I've ever read in my life. Yeah, nerd. Scarsdale Affair with a bounty hunter, whatever the fuck you guys said. in my life. Yeah, nerd. Whatever.

Scarsdale affair with a bounty hunter, whatever the fuck you guys said. Yeah, yeah. The Scarsdale affair. That's my favorite part of Empire.

I mean, Jedi. Return of the Jedi is the Scarsdale diet. Wait, hold on. That's what you guys were talking about? That fucking hole that Princess Leia

was going to jump into? Yeah, yeah. You know the jump into? Yeah, yeah. You know the fucking name? Yeah, yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? Bert, Bert. No, no, no. Don't defend yourself.

No, no. Just go jack off in your mom's basement. It's the Scarsdale Affair. You knew the name, too. Yeah, well. Everyone knows the name, right? It's the Scarsdale Affair. Yeah, all right.

I'm not. I made mine up. You knew it. Robert Ludlum's the Scarsdale Affair. Yeah, oh, right. I made mine up. You knew it. Robert Ludlam's the Scarsdale Affair. Boba Fett fell into it. My lips are really dry, if that answers your question. Yeah, you know, on your podcast

you can talk about how nerdy one of the top ten movies of all time is, or whatever it is, but here in front of this crowd... Return of the Jedi is not one of the top ten movies of all time is or whatever it is. Hold on, hold on. Return of the Jedi is not one of the top 10 movies of all time. It's pretty far up there. Top 20 for sure. No, it's not. Money? It made a lot of money, bro.

Yeah, that's the franchise brought it in. It's like the fucking third Kardashian. Yeah. It's not that good of a fucking movie. How dare you say... Oh, we have Chapstick for you. Oh, I think I'll pass. Also...

I appreciate the offer. I bet that would weird me out. Wait, from your ranking system, though, which one is the third most popular Kardashian? Rank Kardashians. Kylie. Kylie? Yeah.

Who are the first two? Oh, now we're... Are we not naming holes in a Star Wars movie? No, we're naming holes in society. Yes, thank you. You better drop your mic on that. That might be the funniest thing I've ever fucking heard on Doug Loves Movies ever.

You have to drop your mic. You're gonna get one opportunity. No, he doesn't have to. You need to sit the fuck down and stop hosting my show. Alright, mic. You're going to get one opportunity. No, he doesn't have to. You need to sit the fuck down and stop hosting my show. All right, guys, we're back. That's a good idea. I'm going to put a commercial over every time Bert speaks. It goes, it goes Khloe, Kim Khloe, then Kylie. Oh, I'm glad you asked.

Did you feel their portrayal? Much like the Jabberwocky forest they lived in and the fucking... Wait, the Kardashians? No, the whatever... They're from Armenia. Some of it is civilized. I like Star Wars. I'm just saying, Return of the Jedi is not even close.

To what? To like Jurassic Park fucking 4. Wow, you're really going to be great at that. Let me tell you, I will break down franchises for you. Oh, please don't. Please, please don't.

I think, now listen, be honest, be real right now. Okay, let's get real. Let's keep it 100. If we all hadn't seen Star Wars 1, the first one that we saw, would we have... Whatever the fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck! Fuck you! How dare they say that's four. It's episode four, Bert. This is a movie podcast. Please don't berate the entire audience.

You're a lonely man on this island, Bert. You know what? And I'll be the Donald Trump on this island. No one likes Donald Trump. Only dickheads and assholes. Is that what you're going for? Oh. How dare you be that comedian

and pander. Be a contrarian. Now listen. If you hadn't seen the one we all saw when we were kids or you guys saw when you were teenagers and you just got introduced to Empire Strikes Back, would it be the franchise? Or, or, or, or, or, let's argue, let's argue.

Harry Potter, Harry Potter. What about it? Like, I'd be dead on seeing it. What is happening? What are you doing? I've got things planned. You don't have to make up questions for the audience. I've got things planned You don't have to make up questions for the audience And also Bert If you want to have a discussion about something

You have to stop talking for a second Let's think about Harry Potter Star Wars Burger King Pick one But you were right Return of the Jedi is number 55 Of all time

Of all the top movies of all time I guarantee you a couple Harry Potters before that What about Harry Potter? A couple Harry Potters before that I guarantee I'll bet this Wait wait wait Before you bet can I name the stakes?

If you're wrong you have to give away your eyelash. Game over. But you're kind of right. There's like two Harry Potters that made more than Return of the Jedi. Yeah, you guys, I'm not a fucking idiot. I just did a deal with the universe. But this is not... Okay.

This is not... You guys might like movies. This is not like... Only on the other side of the fucking fence. This is not like adjusting for infl like movies. This is not like... Only on the side of the fucking fence. This is not like adjusting for inflate. I guarantee you King Kong... Am I talking? Am I?

Do you think I'm talking? It's my show, Doug! Here, can I... I'll hold you back. I'm getting a cocktail. Oh, shit. Bert needs something to knock over Hey I don't want to

I don't want to put ideas into their head But maybe water this one down It does suck though That episodes one and three And two of Star Wars Are all like top ten They're all in the top seven movies of all time. But the first Star Wars

is number five. So, whatever. Avatar is still number one. I know. I know. The heat I took for not liking that movie when it came out, because people fell in love with that movie. They wanted to live on that fucking Pandora.

I saw the first 90 minutes of that movie and the most relief I've ever felt was when I realized I could leave. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Oh fuck, I don't have to keep watching this. Empire Strikes Back is number 19 so for Return of the Jedi,

I totally blame the Ewoks for making that happen. All right, so when Burt gets back, because everything's running on his schedule, apparently, we'll start the next part of the show that we should have started a while ago. Do you want to talk about some movies right now? Well, we have a chance.

Or literally anything you'd like to address. He let you guys talk about your movies. He wasn't too bad during that period. What's happening? Well, he's shirtless. What's happening? Oh, he's shirtless. What's happening? Oh, he's shirtless?

That took forever. I can't believe it took that long. Don't worry, guys. I'm still here. Hey, Bert. Bert. Bert, you need to seriously get your shit together right now. Get on stage, play the games, or fuck off.

Those are your options. Okay, get up on stage, put your goddamn shirt on. That's not happening. Okay, then I quit. Have a good rest of the show. Okay, can you leave your piece of paper? Yeah, I got it right here. No, leave it for me.

All right, guys. Here's how we... Oh, shut up. Here, put your shirt on, dude. No, no, no, no. I'll leave. I'll leave. I'll leave.

I'll leave. I didn't know it was that serious. Sorry. Hey, Jeff. Finally. This, it finally happened. Hey! All right, everybody.

So, other than that Twisted Sister documentary You see any other movies recently? Is that for Bert? Bert is not here anymore He really is back there arguing with me About what he can and cannot do And he was telling me You guys all get to shit on me And I don't get to do what I want

We've been shitting on you Because you think you can do whatever you want That's something that I would like to make clear to the listeners I would not have done that at all. I think if you listen back, no one is shit on Jeremy. It's kind of a fine tradition of this show to kick out drunk people. And that's his excuse, is that he's drunk. So he's done.

Yeah. I know. What am I going to do? What's happening? Why do you keep interrupting my show? I've got shit to do. Sit down, shut up, play the games. No, hold on.

Okay. Hold on one second. Everyone here would like you to just participate like a regular guest. I thought we were having fun. Did you do any of this shit in that show we were talking about that with patten and and andre no i just you participated normally no hold on i didn't say a fucking word if we're going to be real about this we want to do a real live show i just let you guys attack me and it's all fun and it's all fun but when you guys take my mic away and take my drink away i try to make light of it who took

your drink away i just did no i took of it. Who took your drink away? I just... I chipped it. No, I took it out of your hand so you could put your thing back. And you guys are all mocking me. He was trying to help you. Dude, are you drunk right now? Honestly. Honestly. Are you drunk right now? Yes, of course I fucking am. Okay, so please leave the stage. I do not want to participate with a

drunk person. Doug, you've made your career out of getting high as fucking draft pussy. Yeah, and look at how I can do a show and manage to get through it. But hold on. Listen, you've made your career out of getting high as fucking draft pussy. Yeah, and look at how I can do a show and manage to get through it. But hold on. Listen, listen, listen, listen. I've got shit to do on my paper. You've got to either leave or participate. I flew in early

for this. I know you did. Have a good time. And your idea of a good time is to make it all about you and all about what you want when I'm trying to move to the next thing. And I've said to you several times, please let me host my show. I didn't realize you were really that upset.

I thought... It's not about being upset. It's about being direct. I'm telling you every step of the way what I'd like from you. I asked you to put your shirt on. You did. I appreciate that.

Okay. But I know my show and I know my audience, I think. And they're not listening to hear you make it so I can't play the games that everybody wants to play. And you've got to pick name tags and all that stuff. And we're already running super late. Sorry. I don't know what to say, man. I thought we were friends. I don't know what to say, man. I thought we were friends. I don't know what to say.

We are friends. Yeah, I know. And friends don't come on my show and completely ruin it. Bird, choose my name tag. Okay. Sorry. Jim!

You gotta be my guest. Yes. We love you, John. We love you, Bird. We all right? Yeah, I'm fine, man. It just feels like you should probably just leave. No, I'm...

Because it feels like you're going to be, like, sulky. Dude, dude, I'm not being sulky. Trust me, you just got to let me rebound, okay, dude? Like, you can't please listen but you can't berate someone in a hallway and then in front of all your fans and then expect me to be like, man, my bad.

Like give me a fucking second. Give me a second to fucking rebound. Like that's all I'm saying. It's not like you were like hey man like yeah i feel bummed out man that's all he did he he was like that a long time ago jeff you both started with me when i brought the fucking cheeseburgers let's leave no no one

started with you when you brought the cheeseburgers i wasn't as manic happy about it as you wanted me to be that's not me starting with you about fucking cheeseburgers, man. The look of bewilderment when I see a hundred Burger King cheeseburgers. I already feel really bad. No, he really should jump in because it's frustrating to me that you're acting like I'm a bad friend because it's frustrating to me that you're

ruining my show. I came all the way to St. Louis to do a show for these people. came all the way to St. Louis to do a show for these people. And people are going to listen to it. And you're going off like the people who listen to it, knowing what the Starlock Pit is, it's like the most terrible thing a person could do.

Yeah, but remember, I'm also trying to make a joke. It's not like I'm being like, fuck you assholes. I'm trying to make a joke. I think those were words that you threw into that. I think you said, I'm not a fucking asshole who knows about the Scarsdale diet. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Listen, if you want to rebound me, rebound me slowly. I might have said that. Okay, but Bert, there's nothing I enjoy more than being on stage with you and just fucking around

when we are doing like a fuck around show. But right now I'm trying to do my show and it's, you know what I mean? Like you don't show up to at midnight with a hundred burgers and think that they're going to let you give them to the crowd. So you know what I mean? And then it just sort of went from there. I mean, I didn't, I wasn't mad at you for bringing the burgers. I just wanted you to not bring them out here. And I asked you to not bring them out here

in a very nice, sincere way, like a friend would. And you still came out with the fucking burgers. And then when I got rid of them, you went and got them back. Do you see your behavior? And it feels like that's because you're drunk and not because you're... No, but burgers doesn't seem like I was being a bad person. I'm trying to get the fuck Like, I'm, I'm fucking. You're making. No, I'm trying, I'm trying to get the fuck out of this hole, Jeff.

Please don't fucking stop me. Hey. Whatever the SARS guard pit is, I want to get out. Hey, Bert. Jeff, don't stand up and stare at me, please. Hey, um. Don't fucking yell at me, dude. I'm not keeping you in this fucking hole, man.

If you're going to sit here and berate me. Get out of the hole. It's going to get real tense. No, no. Hold on. What am I doing wrong right now? What is he doing wrong? You're keeping me from doing my fucking show. Leave the stage or rebound immediately.

Those are your options. The show is going on right now. Just do a fast rebound. I know you can do it. I think they're yelling at you because they're all fans. If I can just build you up a little bit as the one who brought up. I don't know anything about movies. This is literally the best thing that could have happened for me to be on this show. Thank you, Bert.

I can rebound right now. if someone goes gets those burgers he had a nice smile when he said that listeners done making jokes let's play the games fuck let the games. Fuck.

Let the games begin! Folks brought name tags, Bert. You gotta go pick one. While you do that, we'll do this. We'll be right back. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. One second. You got me shirtless. You're going in. I do need a drink, though. I know that may not sound like something I really need, but... We're back! Who are you playing for, Jeremy?

I am playing for Gremlins 2, the Luke batch. Instead of the new batch. They had a cute thing. It's a cute little gizmo. It's a cute little gizmo who has batteries in his ass. Right on. Jeff, who you got?

I'm playing for Nate. He made this thing. This thing is fucking cool. It's a little, it's a last supper picture of a... Yeah, yeah, I gotta get a picture of that To show everybody He's done this before

This is like a new one, right? Nate We did a couple shows in St. Louis And he always brings something Very It's very well done Who are all the people on there? It's me, I made it finally

Three years ago His name tag got picked and I was not on the table And now I am on the table So You are too Bert, don't worry about it Chris Cubis DC Pearson

If we're not allowed to talk to you, you're not gonna rebound No but just stop picking on me We're not picking on you I'm not, okay, you're right there, Bert. If we're not allowed to talk to you, you're not going to rebound. No, but just stop picking on me. We're not picking on you. I'm not? Okay, I'm in. You're right there. It's a good job. Jimmy Pardo.

Milana, who I believe is in the... It's Lily, the AT&T girl. Sean. Colin? Sean Colin. Sean Colin. All right. I've never seen him in real life, so I didn't recognize him. I was hoping this would be rattled off a little faster.

Mark something and Greg Proops. I don't know Mark. Who's Mark? It's supposed to be DBK. Oh, it's supposed to be Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Mark Wahlberg.

That's an interesting approach to that. And Bert, this, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Mark Wahlberg. That's an interesting approach to that. And, Bert, this is a perfect rebound name tag that you picked. It really is, I think. Because you went sports-themed. Oh, that's not why I picked it. Why did you pick it? I picked it because I was shirtless, and I thought that would really help everyone identify with what I was trying to do.

It's the Mikey Ducks. Yeah. That's me, shirtless. Good job, Mikey. You can put it down now. Jesus. Oh, there's a shithead inside an envelope. That's good.

Well done. Nice job, everybody, for making names. Does Nate's name have a shithead on the back of it? Yeah. Well done. Nice job, everybody, for making names. Does Nate's name have a shithead on the back of it? Yeah. Okay, cool. I don't like where you put it, though, Jeff. I mean, I guess there's no better place for it, but I just feel like stomping on it when it's on the ground like that.

Please don't stomp on it. I feel like that's bad luck. Let's at least wait until this is over. Fair enough. Yeah, you wouldn't want this to go awry What What time do you guys think The blues game is going to end tonight It's over

A minute and a half left Can you give us the results minute and a half left. Can you give us the results? Nine and a half. Oh. I guess you're just eager to give us the bad news. But they play again on Friday? This is it? And you...

They're losing because you guys aren't there supporting them. That's what I'm saying. I feel responsible. I didn't try to schedule a show against their game, but it happens. But at least we picked a hockey-themed name tag.

And the first game we're going to play is something I call ABCD's Notes! And since I did come here on a night when the St. Louis Blues were having a game, I thought, why not spell St. Louis Blues? So we'll start with start with you Bert and all you gotta do is name any movie

that begins with the letter S cause that's the first letter in St. Louis blues and if you match what I wrote down ahead of time this place is gonna go insane it's like

friends making up through mental agreement. There's no way I'm going to be able to do this. I'm staring at your lucky eyelash. What movie begins with the letter S? Any movie begins with S. I wish God would give this to me.

I think you can do it. I think you can do it. St. Elmo's Fire. Don't try to help you guys. Oh, that's... It does indeed start with S. I went with Slapshot. Okay. I gotcha.

Alright. Jeff Tate. The next letter is T. Because we're going S-T for saint, we're not spelling all of that out. The Mighty Ducks. Ooh, so close. Two. The Bad News Bears. Jeremy, this is your first letter in the game, and it's L.

A Lawnmower man? I believe you're right. I don't think it is the lawnmower man. I think it's a straight-up lawnmower man. I went with leatherhead. What are you yelling about? What? Oh.

Oh. Oh. So you're saying cosmically the game is working. With seven minutes left, we're all hoping they're going to tie it up by scoring three more times. Right? Is that where we're at? Okay, fingers crossed. By the way, if I was next, I couldn't tell you if I

or O was the next letter. You think St. Louis might be spelled L-I? I'm trying to rebound, Doug. I'm trying to rebound. He thinks it's based on the word lieu, L-I-E-U. L-I-E-U-S. Yeah, never mind. That was bad.

Your letter is O. I thought you were going to play. Okay, yeah. Doug, your letter is O. Oh, never mind. Good call. Good call. Good call. I appreciate this. We do not have to go out of our way to make fun of you is my point. Yeah, I'm trying so hard not to.

Because I love you, Bert. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I'm trying to fucking solve the riddle. Is that my drink? Yeah.

Load it up. Load it up. I want to get the fuck out of here. Oh. Oh. Oh. The Outsiders. That's a T.

Oh, shit. Thanks. Oh, we don't like drinking up here. Never said that. Never said that. Oh. I just don't like drinking up here Never said that Never said that Oh I just don't like when guests start the show drunk Well then don't have me fly fucking across country

Oh boy Bird that's Alright Super professional individual You show up drunk for Trip Tank when you fly there? Yeah when I pitch shows to Mark Cuban And then take him on an adventure That's how little people know my show. Alright.

Pass. Now I'm starting to see your strategy. We were having a lot of fun when we weren't going to play the games ever. I see what you're doing. I would like to mention to anybody who's listening back to this when the podcast comes out, Bert had already said the Outsiders.

It begins with the letter T. Oh. Do not put your hand to this ring, they'll kill you. No, it's really what you do. It's such a horrible place to be. You also... Earlier you were giving me a hard time

about you knew exactly where Star Wars movies were in the domestic box office, and now you can't think of any movie that begins with the letter O. Like, just say the word O, and then finish it, and you'd have a movie that begins with the letter O. Oh, brother, we're out, though.

Exactly. Thank you for boxing out that rebound, Doug. By the way, this might be the best podcast I've ever been on because I really was in a bad place, and you just got me out. I really was. I was really in a bad place. Oh, brother, where art thou?

I went with over the top. Fucking shit! I said my L was leatherheads. So now we're to you, Geoff. Oh, come on, man. Because that's my favorite thing, is that people are going to film themselves howling at the moon,

and then Bert's going to retweet it. I can't believe after the way the next half hour went, after he said that, that anybody would want to do anything Bert said. I'm so glad I got my plugs in up front. You sensed what was going to happen. Bug it. Uly's Gold.

Oh, okay. It's a great movie. I love it so much. Well, you know, we have a friend, Emma, who has bees, so that's why

that movie comes to mind and also how many movies begin with you the one I picked was Unbroken the story of

Louis Zamperini do you know who he was of course yeah yeah he was he was he was who was he

he was the the fucking guy from Ohio that got caught in the raft and the sharks got him and then the Japanese guy. Yeah, yeah. I wish you should do a thing where you just summarize movies. Because you just nailed it.

You should have me on again. I'll do it as a bit. Okay. I like the way Bert reacted to the idea that Doug and I have a friend named Emma and Emma has been on your podcast. Wait, hold on. Why are we beating me up again?

Let's do the next letter. It's just kind of about the lack of focus a drunk has compared to a pot smoker. It's the fact that you would know him. I've never heard of that movie and I didn't want to make fun of it. If it's Emma's movie, I know Emma Arnold. She has two kids. I heard about her on your podcast last week. I'm a big of that movie, and I didn't want to make fun of it. If it's Emma's movie, I know Emma Arnold. She has two kids.

I heard about her on your podcast last week. I'm a big fan of her, but I just never heard of her. I'd never sit down and watch a movie about bees, okay? Did you hear how those kids, she had kids on the show, and they were better behaved than you. They were. Drunker, too. More drunk, too.

They were sober, and they were next to They were sober They were hammered And they were next to their mom They were hammered The younger kid was better Than the older kid Yeah He was He was

Oh fuck you They listened to this There was three of them And there was three of them Were two of them twins? No Still wouldn't change How weird what you said was

Just Tap me on the shoulder When I should stop speaking. Wait, he had just stopped speaking and then you tapped him. Yeah. You've got to wait for him to start talking again. Apparently I'm just going to stop tapping when it's his turn to answer. Anyway.

Who's next, Jeremy? The letter's I. I am legend. Mm-hmm. Fuck ass. We're laughing. Don't laugh at me. We're laughing with you.

Don't laugh at me if you don't like me. We're laughing with you. Nobody dislikes you, Bert. That's what I'm trying to say. You didn't like me in the hallway. They disliked... Because you and I were standing in the hallway during my show. I either wanted you to stay out here and finish my show.

You didn't want me to stay out here and finish your show. I did. I was going to see what would happen if I just never came back. You did not want me to finish your show. Me and Jeremy started talking a little bit. That part was okay. I've never seen you so upset, and I got really scared.

I swear to God. I've seen you get upset before, and then I was like, you walked away, and you locked the door, and I go... That door locks when it closes. No, you locked it for me,

and I go, what did we do? It locks when it closes. Stop, you locked it for me. It locks when it closes. Stop just making up things. Okay. I did not ever touch the lock on the door. S. I promise you. It's not your turn.

Oh, it is. I apologize. I apologize too then. It's not your turn to answer yet. Because I haven't said what my I movie was. Do you see how I can run this thing and you can just participate? The letter I went with

invincible. Alright. I'm sorry to do this to you, Bert, but it came back around to you have to come up with another S. You already did one. Fucking... Nope. You already did one Fucking Nope Fucking the movie

That's a little on the nose Slapstick Slapstick Fine, I don't think that's the name of the movie. Isn't that the movie? No, there's a weird movie called something about encounters of this... Wait, hold on. Isn't there a movie with Paul Newman called Slapstick? Slapshot. It was the first S.

Cock sucker. Slapstick. Whatever. Slapstick is a genre, and I feel like that's pretty close for Bert. All right, so Bert's out. S. I have S? Yeah. Oh.

Because he failed. Spirit of St. Louis. It's probably the Spirit of St. Louis. Okay, then I will say Slapshot 2. I went with Southpaw. Yeah. Jeremy, B. Bottle Rocket.

Mm-hmm. I went with Breaking Away. Jeff, L Lawnmower Man 2 The Sod Years It's like a rock lawn I mean Jeff You're sort of known for being good at these games So

I'm a little Off I'm a little off There's a weird energy up here The Scarsdale affair next to me seems to be drag, pulling a lot.

That'd be a good album title for you, Weird Energy. Oh, Scarsdale affair. Also, I'm going to make so many albums. Alright, Jeff, you're out. One day they'll let you make a special. Fucking cocksucker. Mine's airing on Showtime. Yeah, I'm sure they can't wait to see it.

L is your letter, Jeremy. Labyrinth? Sure. I went with Lagan, Once Upon a Time in India, which is a three hour and 44 minute movie about cricket.

Dude, that was on the end of my tongue. It's so good, though. It's like the speediest three-hour-and-44-minute movie that I ever saw. All right, so Jeremy's the only one that's still in, so U is the next letter. Um, the movie. Ultimate Warriors Ret retrospective? If you would have told me earlier today that the easiest game I've ever invented

would be failed by all three of my guests, would be failed by all three of my guests. I would have only thought maybe one of them. I'm not going to name names. For you, I went with... For you, I went with United, which is about the soccer team Manchester United. And E, I went went with 8 Men Out. And I'll give you one more chance here, Bert,

to just jump in and bring it home. One more S movie. And let me give you an extra clue, because that's one part of this game that none of you seem to have noticed. These are all sports movies. So name a sports movie. I thought they were all just hockey movies

This whole time I'm like racking my brain For hockey movies going Where's Youngblood The first one was a hockey Where's the Y in St. Louis Blues is a better question S Sports movie begins with S Don't do this to me Jeff Sports movie begins with S Uh Fuck it

Don't do this to me Jeff Oh um God damn it A sports movie that starts with S Yeah I'm so fucking dumb right now I'm

I don't know what's going on I don't know what's going on It's me Go ahead Everyone start making fun of me again And we'll all get our mojo back Come on Okay

See that's what, I think that's the main thing You're not getting is you keep introducing Things that I don't want to do On my show I want to just finish this fucking game I do too, I'm sitting here, I didn't even guess And I'm going to say thanks to everybody for coming And you'll think the show is over and you'll walk off stage

And then I can play another game with my friend Jeff and Jeremy. I can't. I honest to God. I threw Jeremy in there even though Jeff is going to destroy him. I honest to God can't think of a sports movie that starts with S.

Jeremy. I have one and I don't think it's what I said. Seabiscuit. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. I'm just going to assume that that guy said Secretariat, because at this point, he knows there's nothing on the line winner or loser wise. We're just seeing if anybody can name a sports movie

that begins with S. And I went with Space Jam. Is it Secretariat, that sports movie? With a lot of my guests, this game would have been won three, four, five times over the course of it because they think, oh, sports movies, and then... Yeah, yeah. Secretariat's that movie where James Spader

slaps a horse around a lot, right? No, that was Space Jam. All right, you guys, let's play Last Man Stanton. This is a game where we get an actor or actress, and I will play along on this one, Bert. And we take turns naming movies that that person was in. If you can't think of one, you're out. And then we'll do your plugs again.

I'm sorry? What did you say, audience member? What are you saying? Yeah, exactly. Shut the fuck up. Now every drunk person thinks they can derail the show. And it turns out they're right. Yeah.

Where is Blake underscore Beatty? B-E-A-T-T-Y. Why did somebody scream over there? You're him? You're not Blake Swan? What? Oh, okay. I just, I couldn't believe

there's two Blake puns in the crowd. And I was being mean to you about put that down because I thought you were the one I picked to name the person for this game, but turns out, no, it's this other guy. Blake Hawk Down. With candy attached,

because that's what that movie's missing. It's just that extra sweetness. Okay, dude, so give us your suggestion. Mark Ruffalo. Ruffalo. I don't think he said it into his microphone, but Bert just said, fuck. I second that motion.

All right. This is going to be great. We're going to play to two points tonight. So here's what this means, Bert. The first person to fail to name a Mark Ruffalo movie gets to pick anybody they want for the next round. So you could pick any actor or actress. Yeah, after we play the Ruffalo round. So the person who does worst in the Ruffalo round

gets to pick the next name. Okay. Who does the worst in the Ruffalo round. Okay. So the person who does worst in the Ruffalo round gets to pick the next name. Okay. Who does the worst in the Ruffalo round? Yeah, whoever drops out first. Now all I'm thinking about is the next name. Bert, you get to pick the game for the next round. Does that make it easier for you? Yes.

That's kind of what I'm telling you. But if you can name one Mark Ruffalo movie, we'll start with you. If you can name one, then we'll go with you. I think it's the name of the movie. I really liked it. Is it called Last Chance? That's not the movie? It's a movie with him and the fucking singer. He was so good in it.

Him and the singer. What's happening? What are you guys talking about? I meant Begin Again. Yeah, and we cleared that up because an audience member decided to chat about it. Are you the guy that tweeted me today saying you were afraid you were going to yell out an answer? Who did that? Where's that guy? You did?

I'm sorry I called you a guy. But she's so used to yelling at her phone or whatever she's listening to it on. I thought it was last chance and I fucked up. I'm out. Go ahead, Jeff. Sorry. And you get to pick the next one. Fucking. But also I did. Somebody was trying to remind me. I forgot to mention that you also have a lifeline. So do

you want to use your lifeline? Well, not now. Oh, yeah, I guess so. I'm going to. All right, Mikey, do you got one for him? I do. Okay, Mikey. What is it? Infinitely Polar Bear.

Infinitely Polar Bear he's going with. That's a movie? Are you serious? Let me... Wait. Can I talk for a little bit? No. No.

Jeff, shut the fuck up, okay? Burt. I'm so tired of you. Why? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Shut the fuck up. We're friends. We're friends. We're friends, Jeff. We're friends. We own my team. This is a comedy show, okay? Bert! I'm so tired of you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're friends, Jeff. We're friends.

We're on my team. This is a comedy show, okay? Stop beating me up. I'm not beating you up. Okay, never mind. Go ahead. I won't talk. Let Jeff talk. I'm trying to play the fucking game, Bert. I was trying to make a joke, too. This isn't just a game. I asked Doug if I could talk. I didn't ask

you. Sorry. I guess I'm out of the paint. I'm no longer rebounding. Wow, Ben. Yeah, it's really, it's something you gotta look inside yourself about. I asked you if I could fucking take. No, no, no. I'm just saying.

I know there are people that know what's going on. You turned to Jeff and said, fuck you. When we were making fun of you the last time you were on the show, you didn't turn to Pat and say fuck you because you're that kind of person that says, fuck you, to somebody who you think is less than you somehow. It's not like I've not been

beaten up a little bit on this show, okay? Hold on. Who did you respect the most on the last one? Was it Patton? Is that why you didn't tell him to fuck off? Why would you do this? Because I didn't do it. Because you're the one. See, that's the thing. I'm not doing anything. It's us, and it's you. It's not me. I was trying to make a joke. Okay. It is you, because I've asked you to do 50 things thing. I'm not doing anything. It's us, and it's you. It's not me. I was trying to make a joke.

It is you, because I've asked you to do 50 things tonight, and you don't do any of them. I looked at you and said... Are you going to recap that again? Shut up about that. Who cares about that? Okay. Kick him out! Okay.

Oh, there he goes. Okay, great. It's good. It's good. Safe men. Mark Ruffalo was in Safe Men. The Avengers. That's right. Hey!

The first one? It was just called The Avengers. The second one had a longer title. I think, yeah. Jeremy confessed that he's not going to be good at this, and so I'm cutting him a little bit of slack for not saying Marvel's The Avengers. I'm sorry.

I know it seems like a show where... The douchebag in the crowd. I know this particular episode seems like a show where you're just supposed to steamroll whatever the fuck you want, whenever you want to, but try not to for a little bit, okay? Guys, why don't you cool out and let there be a show where you're just supposed to steamroll whatever the fuck you want, whenever you want to. But try not to for a little bit. Okay? Guys? Why don't you cool out and let there be a show?

Mark Ruffalo, Doug. Jeff, I will run this show. Okay, I'm gonna go with... I really wanted to go with Infinitely Polar Bear. Alright, I'm going to go with... I really wanted to go with Infinitely Polar Bear. All right, I'll say... And you can't say Now You See Me 2

because it's not out yet. So I'm going to say Now You See Me. I'm going to say Zodiac. Oh. Marvel's The Avengers 2 Age of Ultron. Everybody happy? Sorry, I feel like a little bit of Bert's energy was left on stage,

and I just grabbed it right there. That was my bad. Sorry. I feel terrible. A little bit of Bert's energy was left on stage and I just grabbed it right there. That was my bad, sorry. I feel terrible. Okay, I will go with... Oh, shit. I'm going to say... Oh, what was that one? The Brothers Bloom

Oh I know They're super obvious ones And I'm pulling out that one Jeff Collateral He's in that Yeah

He's the cop that's chasing him around all night Okay I literally only have one more guess And I don't know the right way to say it Somewhere in the title of this movie will be Marvel Oh yeah, use your lifeline Oh yeah, I'll do that Who do I ask?

The person whose name tag you picked The gremlins person Luke? Spotlight Yeah Who do I ask? The person whose name tag you picked. The Gremlins person. Luke? Spotlight. Yeah. Spotlight. Well done.

I'm going to use Bert's lifeline. I like Mark Ruffalo so much, too. It's hard to... I like Begin Again a lot, but that got taken. I don't think it did. What? Oh, yeah, it didn't officially. Okay, I'll say Begin Again. And by that same logic,

I'll take Infinitely Polar Bear. Wait, why? I'm pretty sure you can't just ask your lifeline and then leave and have that answer be taken. No, that answer was taken. Alright then, I'll say foxcatcher.

I knew you had another one. I knew you had more. Yeah, I super don't. What? I super don't. What? I super don't have another one. Oh, it's your turn now? Yeah. Okay.

All right, so you're out, so that means you get to pick the next name. All right. Yeah. And I'm going to tap out, too, just to keep this thing on track. Yeah, me too. Why not? No, you win. No, I win.

Yeah, you win. I'm the winner. win yeah yeah you win the winner no let's really let's please not start with the it's it's jeff i thank you i thank you for that you're not my uber driver uh trying to read it off a screen. We're all people. I am super excited to see the name Jeremy picks. I've known Jeremy a long time, and the odds I've heard of this person are 50-50. Yeah, you could really bring this thing home if you pick somebody that me and Jeff don't know as well as you. Oh, I didn't think to strategize like that.

Oh, you've already got someone in your mind? Oh, snap, yeah. Well, I'll give you another second to think about it. That's okay. This has gone on long enough. Well, I mean, it needs to go on for another nine minutes. Oh, okay. Who is...

Yeah. We can really stretch the plugs. I'd like to get Bert back out here for his plug at the end, but that ship might have sailed. He's just sitting somewhere in an alley crying with 100 burgers in his lap. I'm going to go with Matt Dillon. Matt Dillon.

Oh. Yeah. All right. So go ahead and start us off. Then we'll go to Jeff. Then we'll go to me. Singles. Singles. Singles.

Okay. There's something about Mary. Oh, yeah. The Outsiders. Wait, no. He's not in that one. He is? Yeah.

Okay, good. You'll know what I was thinking about in a second. Jeff, I mean, no. He's not in that one. He is? Okay, good. You'll know what I was thinking about in a second. Jeff? I mean, Jeremy? Wild Things. Wild Things, yeah. Drugstore Cowboy. Mm-hmm. I was thinking of that other one.

Tex. By the same lady who wrote The Outsiders. Jeremy. Do I get another lifeline? Yes. Crash. Crash, yeah. That's one of those big cast movies that you can just guess that whenever you're in trouble.

It's got a weird eclectic group. Takers. Takers? Takers? Takers. All right, I'll take that one. Hello. Hello, everybody. Remember when the show started and you guys all liked me?

I didn't make him leave. He just did that. Don't take it out on us. I'm sure the reviews will be mixed on this show Okay, I'm going to go all the way back to His youngest, maybe his second movie role He was in a movie called Little Darlings Oh With Tatum O'neill and uh what's her name from

yash wasn't asking anyone um so like i said i don't know anything about movies but i'm gonna at least leave with this fact he played a guitar on dinosaur jr's remake of the flying burrito brothers song hot burrito 2 I'm going to at least leave with this fact. He played a guitar on Dinosaur Jr.'s remake of the Flying Burrito Brothers song, Hot Burrito 2. That doesn't count, but that's accurate and is all the wording. I think we should take it.

We should accept that answer, because I want to pick the next name. No, because I actually know a lot of albums he played on, so don't do that. I'm out. I don't know any more Matt Dillon movies.

You don't? I don't. Not even One Night at McCool's? Yeah, yeah. One Night at McCool's. I forgot to do this with Mark Ruffalo,

you guys, but for Matt Dillon, which ones did we miss? Over the Edge. Over the Edge was his first one, I think. What's that? The Kids Are Alright? Who's in The Kids Are Alright? No, that's Mark Ruffalo.

It's a mix of Dillon and Ruffalo now? Is that what's happening? Eternal Sunshine, really? Yeah, we're talking about Matt Dillon. You, me, and Dupree. Oh yeah, you, me, and Dupree. God damn it.

Wild Things. I said that. The last thing I expect you guys to do is pay attention. We're just yelling out movies we already said. All right, so that means who got the point that round? I did, I guess. Yeah, I'll play for who Bert was going to play for.

Yeah, so Jeremy gets to pick the next. Jeremy gets to pick the next name. I'd really rather not. Tobey Maguire. Okay, let's switch the order around this time. I'll go second, then Jeff. So, Jeremy, start us off. Wonder Boys. Okay. I'm going second, then Jeff. So Jeremy, start us off. Wonder Boys.

Okay. I'm going to go with Seabiscuit. Spider-Man. Spider-Man 2. Spider-Man 3. Tropic Thunder. No. Wait, who are we doing? Tobey Maguire? Tobey Maguire is at the beginning of Tropic Thunder. No. Wait, who are we doing?

Tobey Maguire? Tobey Maguire is at the beginning of Tropic Thunder. And when you see the movie... I think you're thinking of Matthew McConaughey. All right, Tropic Thunder it is. I haven't seen that movie in a while. I don't remember him having a part in that. He's in one of the trailers at the beginning with Robert Downey Jr.

Okay, there you go. The Devil's Asshole. That makes sense. Pleasantville. He's a tricky one. I'm out. Oh, god damn it. Does that mean you get to pick a name?

Maybe. Yeah, use Bert's lifeline. All right, Mikey. He's got nothing. Still out. What's happening? Why are you saying things? But he said he didn't have anything,

and now you just said a title out loud. There's just no controlling the show anymore. I might stop doing it entirely. I don't think... If it helps, I don't think she's right. Jake Gyllenhaal's in that one, I think. I heard The Hunt for Red October. Oh, no.

And I don't think he's in that. He's very young if he is. Very young. Uncredited. And I also think he was in the movie that she meant to say was Radio Flyer. What?

I don't know if that's what she meant to say. I'm out. I don't know. Wait, what's happening? I'm out. I don't know any Tony Blair movies. But that's your answer? Yeah, Radio Flyer. Yeah. Is he in it? Yeah. No. I thought he was. I don't think he is.

But, Who cares? I was just wrong. It's okay. Alright, Jeremy. Wait, if both of you are out, don't I win? Yeah.

I just wanted you to, you know, rub it in with one more one more good one. That's not really rubbing it in. Yeah, we don't need to bother with that. What ones did we miss, you guys? The Wizard!

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. That's a good one. The Wizard? The Wizard? Great Gatsby. Great Gatsby. Ride with the Devil.

What? Pawn sacrifice. Oh, yeah. Did that even come out? Rounders? Brothers. Did you say JFK? Very funny.

All right, this is for all the marbles. I get to pick this time, right? So... Boy. Let's do Parker Posey. I'll start us off with Dazed and Confused. Jeff? Best in show. That's what I was thinking

somebody said. Oh, it's... Some kind of candy term. Some sort of what? Some candy term. It's not the name of the movie. I'm thinking out loud. Lifeline.

What's Lifeline got for Parker Posey? House of Yes. Yes. He'll take it. Okay, I'll go with Party Girl. Jeff? Scream 3. It's right.

I don't understand. Jeremy, you got anything else? Scream 2. Nope. I'll go with Superman Returns. I'll go with Oh, what the fuck is that? Oh, the Four Year Consideration.

Yeah. Good call. For Your Consider... I'm going to say Price Check. Co-starring a little-known actress named Amy Schumer. I'm going to say... Uh, I'm gonna say... Want to use your lifeline? Yeah, lifeline.

Blade Trinity. Yeah. Blade Trinity. That's what I was thinking when I was... I was like, what's that one where she fucking fights people? You got one, Mike? Josie and the Pussycats? Josie and the Pussycats. Josie and the Pussycats.

Nice. Very good. Waiting for Guffman. Wait, we got Waiting for Guffman. Did we do all of those for your consideration? Best in show. And... Shit.

Just gotta tell everybody to be quiet. Do you have another one? Yes. Well, that's just gonna get me right back to here again. I'm a fan of Parker Posey. Yeah, I like her too. I just was hoping you didn't. I give up.

What's your next one? I don't have another one. I give up. What's your next one? I don't have another one. But with two points, Jeff is our overall winner tonight. Thank you. Does anybody remember Bert's plugs? Yeah, in June, Bert the Conqueror comes out on a travel channel. And he has a special on Showtime, which I'll never have because I'm a cocksucker.

Those two things. Alright, that's good. Nate, come and get your prize bags. Congratulations. And Jeremy, pass me the... Is there a shithead on the back of the gremlin? Okay, cool. The old battery butt?

It's on the back of the flag. Oh, there you go. Wow, you really taped that flag into his hand real good. Hee hee hee hee. That looks like a lady It does look like a lady one Yeah somehow But I think it's supposed to be a boy

She's having her own private laugh over there Alright And Jeremy What do you got to plug dude? At the end of the month The game show I host here in St. Louis Is having our third anniversary The last Monday at Heavy Anchor.

So that's Loser, the live action shame show. Thanks. And then I've got stand-up dates in Tampa, Florida and Albany, New York coming up. So that's what I got. Right on. Thank you for being here, Jeremy. Thanks for having me. Hope to have you back on again After you see some movies

You know like when I say Come on Getting Doug with High People say oh I don't smoke weed And I go okay then don't come on And if somebody said to me I don't know any movies I would argue I lost by one point. You did. Yeah.

You really rallied. It's not like I sat here and licked a wall. Did what? It's not like I sat here and licked a wall. No, that's true. Jeff, what's your plugs? This comes out tomorrow, so I'm at the Joke Joint in St. Paul. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, May 26th,urday may 26 7 8 immediately i go there tomorrow uh limestone comedy festival is going

to be a fun time in bloomington yeah i'm at the stress factory in new brunswick new jersey june 14th and the knitting factory in brooklyn new york june 16th uh wiley's in Dayton and then on the 29th and then Go Bananas in Cincinnati June 30th

through July 3 those are my plugs yeah well this is certainly an interesting one yeah these guys have been listening for a long time I think it would have been hilarious

If we had an owner, Turkel, somewhere To be like, hey, we'll just have you come out for the end Like we switch them The other guy that Maybe these guys are all new listeners I don't know what happened It varies But thank you to everyone for coming out

Thank you to Helium. All my guests, Bert Kreischer, Jeremy Essig, and Jeff Tate. And as always, people who think the ending of Lost revealed that the characters died in a plane crash are shitheads. There's more. Because they didn't. And finally,

the locked door in a set of double doors that I always run into is a shit head. Thank you.