Doug Loves Movies - Maria Bamford Guests

Episode Date: October 8, 2006

Doug welcomes Maria Bamford to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming baby sticky seeds With 50 azepop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hello everybody, Thanks for coming out to the third episode of Doug Benson's I Love Movies. My name is Doug Benson. I'll be your host. I'm just arranging my stuff on my desk right now in a really weird manner.

You can't see it on the podcast, but I'm being really weird and meticulous about it, and I'm creeping everybody out. How's everybody doing? We have a live audience here at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles, and I forgot to mention them in the first two

episodes of the show, where we were or that there was an audience. I hope the listeners figured out that there was an audience, but there's listeners figured out that there was an audience, but there's no way just by listening they could have known that it was at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles. They do a lot of great shows here, so go to UCBTheater.com for more details, listeners, if you want to be in Los Angeles and see some funny shit.

Yeah, I said shit, because I can. Before I get into bringing out our first guest on Doug Benson's I Love Movies, I just want to say that I am in the process of kind of a project, the thing I'm doing. You know that movie Super Size Me, where Morgan Spurlock ate McDonald's every day for 30 days, and he filmed himself and people paid money to see it. It was disgusting. If that's a movie, I've got a movie. I'm going to smoke pot every day for 30 days

and try to remember to film it. And my movie's going to be called Super High Me. Not Super High Me. You have to really pause between high and me. Otherwise people think it's about a Jewish superhero. Super high me. And

McDonald's is going to be in my movie too. That is a pledge from me to you that McDonald's is going to be in my movie because every day at 3.30 or thereabouts, I'm going to go to a McDonald's, a different one each day until they serve me a breakfast time McGriddle

at 3 in the afternoon like any humane McDonald's should do when a stoned animal walks into their establishment and wants a treat. If I can score a McGriddle's, you know how tight ass they are So, and if I can score a McGriddles,

you know how tight-ass they are about it, if I can score a McGriddles at 3 in the afternoon at McDonald's, then I will be the Rosa Parks of stoners. So this is day 7 of smoking from morning till bedtime, and I have to say I'm doing great. But our guests got switched at the last minute so that is going to provide an interesting

challenge for me because I really planned everything out so that I could be high during this and now the guests have switched so hopefully I won't end up asking anything embarrassing to the wrong person. My guest today, you know, here's her intro. My guest today, you know from the movie and TV series Comedians of Comedy, her own Comedy

Central specials, number two is coming soon to a TV near you. And you might know her from her wonderfulness in general. Please welcome Maria Bamford, everybody. That's very cool. Come on. Come on around and have a seat. Please welcome Maria Bamford, everybody. That's Carrie for us. Come on around and have a seat. Excellent.

Talk into your microphone there. Yeah. Yeah, that's the one. Hi, Maria. Hey, Doug. Thank you for having me on your program. On my I Love Movies show? Yeah, yeah. Do you love movies, Maria?

I do love movies. I love what I do is I buy videos. I haven't hooked up my DVD player yet. So I buy videos $3, $4, $5.99 at the video store. And so I get,

I watch movies that way for now. So you see horrible movies from four years ago. Right. Basically is what's in that way for now. So you see horrible movies from four years ago. Right. Basically is what's in that bin. Right. Some older. Some older.

Yeah, oh yeah. Some classics. Yeah. Have you ever seen... Secret Admirer with... With what's his name? Soulman with same what's his name? C. Thomas, I believe.

Now that I've taken a moment to think about it. Oh, Soda Pop. I know he wasn't that one, but... I thought I'd go for the outsider's hat trick. So do you remember the last movie that you saw in this manner? I saw The Hammer and the Anvil starring some lady and Russell Crowe. The Hammer and the Anvil?

What was that about? Like the starting of a baking soda conglomerate that took over the world? Or something Russian. It starts off Russell Crowe is like this super hot, like super hot guy. He's not just hot, but he's also, it's in Australia, so he's hot.

You know, he's sweating. And he gets off and he's washing his horses. He's a metal worker guy for horses. What's that called again? Shoemaker. Shoemaker, exactly. He's a shoeman. He's a shoeman. guy for horses what's that called again little shoemaker shoemaker exactly human human and I'm whisper he's in the local river washing down the

horses new them all right I'm right because I thought and he then he gets off this is actually probably the best pretty we he gets on the horses and he's nude riding a horse nude and then rides actually probably the best part of the movie, he gets on the horses and he's nude, riding a horse nude, and then rides it into the beginning part of the movie. Rides it right into the hammer or the anvil? The titles come in right there? Yeah, yes, exactly, yeah.

Nice cold open. And then it's the first movie where you don't, at the end, okay, he falls in love with this older lady and who's wealthy. And then he, and she's married. And then he goes crazy for her one night and is riding on one of her horses, gets a brain injury. And the end of the movie is him as retarded. He's retarded in the movie. He plays retarded, like the brain injury. And it's the lady coming in to see him and she's like, oh my God, I'm going to see him because he's had this injury. And he's a hot guy.

And she's finally seeing him again. And he's like, ooh. But that explains the title. He went from a hammer to an anvil. Oh my God, that is so true. That's really good. You can't slip these past me. So you are, speaking of current movies,

you're one of the voices in Barnyard. Barnyard. Yeah, also known as Barnyard, the original Party Animals. Which is like, I don't know why that was ever part of the title. That guy probably got fired. But it's still on IMDb, because they rub in everything.

Formerly. AKA. Things have AKAs on the internet movie database. Things are trying to hide. Movies are trying to escape from persecution so they change their name. What's your voice in that? I do the paranoid farm wife next door

saying that, I know those animals are partying in there. Now do it with the voice you do in the movie. You're having some kind of rave. Right? You really say that in the movie? Yeah, some variation on that. That's those hip references that they're sticking into

cartoons. I know, yeah. Because they don't rave anymore, do they? Only the... No. I think raving

stopped ten minutes before the movie Go came out. I think it was officially like that. Nobody does

that. That's what the movie's about, alright. We stopped doing that nine and a half minutes ago. So, do you not go out to

movies and the theaters at all, or do you just pick up a stack of movies in the crap bin? Well, I pick up a stack of movies in the crap bin. I also take them home from the LA Public Library, where there's a massive selection there. What did I pick up there home from the L.A. Public Library, where there's a massive selection there. And what did I pick up there?

Chorus Line. The Michael Douglas thing? Yes, Michael Douglas. Where he sits in judgment the whole time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of the shit he's made? How dare he? So you watch that.

I was just going to say something about the new Broadway version of Chorus Line, but I'm, uh, I have enough manhood problems. I don't need to start talking about Broadway musicals on my I Love Movies show. Jesus, Doug. Too high. So, uh, what were we talking about? Um. Oh, so you, you so you saw Chorus Line.

Saw Chorus Line. That was okay. I didn't watch it twice, let's just say that. And, because usually I watch them twice, if I kind of like them. Did you watch The Hammer and The Anvil twice? Yeah. I like that. Do you pay less attention one time or the other? Sure, the second time I do. The second time is just background?

Well, I do some filing or something. I do my internet, you know, I return my emails or I just do crafts. That is kind of a fun idea, though, because then you can look up during the parts you remember liking the first time around like

here comes a good part and then oh this whole section is boring so I'll start a family or whatever do something else alright let me ask you about a couple of the movies that are out right now or about to come out based I don't know when this thing is going to air but

Jackass number two any interest in that? It sounds funny. I just want to see it because I'm still dying to know some of the dangling plot threads from Jackass 1. Isn't that like a reality? No, no, no. Yeah, it's just guys getting hit in the nuts

or eating things until they throw up. And they just repeat that all the way through the movie. Really? Well, that's what I thought it was, but I didn't know if that was what it was. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. And I'll tell you, I saw that first one.

I have to look away from time to time, like when they're giving themselves paper cuts and stuff like that. But I got to say, I liked it. And I'm going to see number two. Okay. I'm going to see the shit out of number two. Do you do that if you don't think it's going to be good?

Do you see it matinee instead? No, money is no object, Maria. I'll pay whatever it takes to see the movie when I want to see it, when I want to see it. It's all about convenience. It's a lucky break when you can go in the daytime and save that money. Do you believe in leaving movies if you don't like it?

I didn't used to. Okay. What was the thing that broke your heart? A movie called Patch Adams changed my life. No, I sat through that whole thing. No, but only recently have I even entertained the notion of leaving, and I think I might not, I still might not have done it yet. I'm working on it, though.

It's something I intend to start doing. And not walking out quietly. Like, saying something really loud, even if people are enjoying it. What about something obscure about movie production? Like, it's clear people weren't well fed. What about something obscure about movie production? Yeah, maybe.

It's clear people weren't well fed. Everyone who's mean to the grip on this project. Just walk out. What about Jet Li's Fearless? Jet Li's Fearless. Okay, well I presume there's going to be a lot of flying around and jumping. I'm not against it. I won't see it. That's not your kind of thing?

Unless I'm on some kind of comedy tour with a bunch of guys and everybody wants to go see one thing and I want to be a part of the community. And so I say, sure, I'll see that vampire movie. What's the one where it's the guy who's... Blade 3 or something? Blade Trinity, yeah. I saw Blade 3 in the theater.

Yeah, we talked about that last week with the guest Patton Oswalt, who's in that crappy movie. Yes, that's right. That's right. And he has some nice things to say about everyone involved. Oh, God. Except for the grip. It's always the grip.

I just want to know if the title Jet Li is Fearless means that Jet Li is fearless or that he owns fearlessness in general. That he got the patent on it or something. Or it's about his boat that he just got. Yes.

Jet Li would totally name his boat Fearless. Because he knows his boat is fearless because he is there to protect his boat. Oh, don't be afraid, boat. Are you going to see the new Scorsese or the new Coppola?

Sofia. I should say. I don't know what the ones those are. I can't wait until they come out eight years later, though. Well, Scorsese's got this... Scorsese's got a movie called The Departed, which is worth making

only for the Mad Magazine parody of the title Departed. Because you know it's going to have farted in there somewhere. And that's just going to be fun. And then Marie Antoinette, Maria Antoinette, is the Sofia Coppola movie, where Kirsten Dunst plays Marie Antoinette,

and What's-His-Nuts plays that other fellow. Jason Schwartzman is in it as, you know, whoever was in charge around Marie Antoinette times. Napoleon? No, he's not Napoleon. That'd be awesome casting, though, for him to be Napoleon. Maybe he is.

Is he Napoleon? He's not Napoleon. That's ridiculous. I have no idea what I'm talking about and that is ridiculous Danny DeVito is Napoleon We all know that Jersey films You don't have to see any of those

So if you don't like the flying around movie You must also not like the scary movies Because there's an onslaught coming up Texas Chainsaw Massacre A new one of those The Grudge 2 I have a kind of OCD Because there's an onslaught coming up. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a new one of those. Yeah. The Grudge 2. I have a kind of OCD that I already have violent images in my mind all the time.

So then if I just get an additional number of them to file back, I just feel like I don't need them. It's like that ad slogan, why pay for more? Right, right, right, right. And there's a new Fridayiday the 13th there's dane cook and employee of the month it's a scary it's a scary time i had to keep even though you changed the subject i had to keep listing movies it's against my prepared joke is is that movie about um him enjoying a low-paid job yeah he's got a low-paying job but he's the kind of guy that works hard and tries to do what's right. And there's another guy that works in the store who wants to be Employee of the Month, bad enough to cheat and lie and do the wrong thing.

And Dane Cook, I don't want to give it away, but he perseveres through a series of humorous incidents and becomes Employee of the Month. Sorry to ruin it for you guys, but I've had it in for Dane Cook for a while. And he says he's not political. That's right. Made the most political movie coming out this

fall. Felt the working man. Yeah. Get all upset. So do you have any favorite movies of all time that you could share with us? Okay. I do love the movie Legally Blonde. Maybe that's because I have, I think sometimes I like things because I've seen them over and over again.

And so I do enjoy that one. I think I like the clothes. And I like the idea that you can be... Would you see Jet Li's Legally Blonde? Yes, I would. Does that sound good? Finally, people are taking him seriously. Does that sound good? Finally, people are taking him seriously.

He's not going to just jump around if he is a lawyer. He would know how to do a lawyer, too. He would contain the jumping around? Well, it shows he's smart that he can jump in the right direction. And so, you know, if he were a lawyer, he would just use those same smarts to be a lawyer. That's what the whole premise of League of Rhyme. If you use your intelligence in something like, you know, fashion, it doesn't mean you can't switch that over to, you know, whatever she did at the end.

I think she was Napoleon in there. If I had to guess. What other ones do you like? What other summer classics? Well, this is one that was given to me by a friend who went to a flea market and it's called The Lady of Burlesque and it's

from the 1920s and it's all about the backstage Burlesque and it's from the 1920s and it's all about the backstage of this burlesque show but the whole time is all references to comedians and how comics you can never trust them with your money and comics, they never come to work on time and they're always joking

laughter that's a good one that's awesome and there's never a comic on screen they're just griping about it anyway no, there's a good one That's awesome They just really And there's never a comic on screen They're just griping about it anyway No, no, no There's a whole bunch of comics

There's all the comics Oh, there are comics there There's the dancers The chorus line And then there's the comics And nobody likes the comics And they're all upstairs And, you know

Cigars all the time And loud, obnoxious Well, the comics don't realize That they're funny in real life. That's the amazing thing. Like, the guy who talks like this actually talks like that when he's not on stage.

And then he gets bonked in the head when he's not on stage, too. That's funny. That sounds great. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know Oh god You really

Your taste in movies Is really I'll go with interesting Just to keep it friendly I like what I see Is basically I don't know what I like But I like what I see

Put me in a movie I like it Well talk about Some great movies You've been in a few movies Let's discuss your IMDB profile That I so cleverly looked up The only movies I've ever been in

I got them right here in front of me I'll bust them out You can't lie to us about it You were in what? Lucky Numbers with Josh Walton That's right Any sense of future bald gay weirdness when you worked with him? He did a Barbra Streisand impersonation whenever they stopped filming.

And it was very good. It was really funny. Yeah, I think he actually did it on SNL. Oh, really? I wonder if this was before or after, like If he was prepping or just living it. It was in 2000. I don't know. So that must have been kind of a clue

that something was up. A spot on Babs impression. That's not very manly. He was super nice. You played Wendy the waitress in that? Wendy the waitress. And just was kind of dumb That's a stretch

Or no, yeah I just said when they ordered things Uh-huh What? Oh, right, okay, that's what you Sorry, sorry, sorry And It's funny

How many days do you work on that? About two. And what's your social security number? A good one. It's a really good one. It's going to win the lottery from you one day.

So, Stuart Little 2? Stuart Little 2. I played Stuart Little's teacher. Stuart Little's teacher? So you approve of Mouse being in school? Well, he wasn't in school for most of the movie.

Oh, you were mad at him for not coming to school? No. Forgive me for not seeing this one. I didn't do any sort of character work on this part. I just showed up and acted what I thought a teacher acts like. So I don't know what my relationship was to the mouse.

Have you seen the movie? Yes. Twice? No. You couldn't even just play in the background a second time. What a horrible... I couldn't see it again. Did you have any scenes with House?

No. Laura House? No. She was in it? No. Hugh Laurie, the guy who plays House on TV.

Oh, no. I just like saying, calling him House. Yeah. If I ever met Rowan Atkinson, I'd say, what was it like working with House?

Yeah. I'm losing everybody with these references. And no discussion about your career would be complete without saying the words, escape from Monkey Island. Escape from Monkey Island. What is that? Well, that's not even a movie.

It's just a video game. It was a TV thing? Oh, it's a video game? It's the third version of a video game. So that isn't even a movie, so I don't know why that was on there. Oh, I see. Originally there was Monkey Island. Then there was Return to Monkey Island.

Escape from Monkey Island. Beneath the Planet of the Monkey Island. And then I came into a studio in Sherman Oaks, and I laid down the part of the barmaid in an old western town in Escape from Monkey Island. But that's not a movie. I know, I don't have a very illustrious movie career. I'm sorry.

No, that's, you've been in two movies, and I've been in two less. So that's, you're doing great. It's awesome. Did anybody here see Stuart Little 2? Anyone here see Lucky Numbers?

Nope. What are the odds of that? Well, they're pretty good. Oh, I think those are two fairly major motion pictures that did not do particularly well at the box office, but, you know, they were big movies, you know, sort of. And for none of them

to have seen either of them, I just think that's a coincidence. Yeah, no, it's not. It's not about me. It doesn't mean anything about you. Now, speaking of all the movies that are out there, which we have been doing this whole time, so that was a really lazy segue.

Speaking of movies, let's talk more about movies. Brian Posehn and I invented a game that we called Leonard Maltin, because it's based on Leonard Maltin's 2006 movie guide. Well, not 2006. When we first did it, it was several years ago.

But basically what you do is you pick a movie from any of the movies in the book, right? Are you back on Monkey Island right now? When your mind goes to Monkey Island, there's no talking to you. So basically how it works is you pick a movie that you're pretty sure the other person's seen or is aware of. So it has to be a pretty famous movie. So I'll pick one for you. I'll pick one that's like really... Yentl.

I saw Yentl. Okay, let's go with Yentl. Okay. I really should explain the rest of the game before I let you decide what movie we're going to do. Okay, sure. But we'll still do it anyway because I'll make it tricky on you. She was very good in that movie. I mean, it's hard to keep a musical

going. Without singing. She had to sing her every stupid thought. Yeah. Papa, can you hear me? No, I'm dead. Okay, so I found Yentl. So here's what you do.

You read from the bottom of the cast list up so you go like steven hill and then as soon as you think you know it the other person is trying to guess you say stop and then you think for a second and make a very definitive guess because if you miss it just it just becomes no fun after that because then it's just like oh how about this or how about that yeah and the first guess is the most exciting. And of course, if I get all the way to Barbra Streisand, then that's going to give it away. So generally, the person will stop before the name that gives it away. So let's try it. Stephen Hill.

Nehemiah Persoff. Amy Irving. Man, David Dinkins. I have to quit there. What movie do you think it is? Gentil? Very good. You did it.

Then you win the book. That was pretty amazing. Then you win the book and you get to pick one and just read from the bottom and I'll try to get it. So far my track record's been, considering I come out all cocky, like here's this game I'm good at.

I haven't done very well so far on the show. Next week's show, while you're looking I'll just plug some stuff. Next week's show, Paul F. Tompkins is going to be here. He's been in three movies. Okay. Okay. Okay. Here we go. David Duchovny.

Whoa, that's the last name they list? He's got the smallest part in this thing? Must have been pre-X-Files. Alright, keep going. Ricky Lake. Whoa, hang on a second. David Duchovny and Ricky Lake. Now I've got to think what

John Waters movie Did David Duchovny appear in None of them Damn it foiled Olympia Dukakis Wait a minute Somebody out there probably knows it at this point I would think that's a pretty fucked up cast

David Duchovny Ricky Lake Olympia Dukakis. Well, we're at the low point of the cast, so we haven't got it. Really low? There's a lot more names? Okay, give me two or three more names. Robert Easton. She had to turn a page. This is brutal.

Kevin Spacey. Oh, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. There's a lot of famous people in this one. Oh, back up. Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. No more. What? No more.

Working Girl. Woo! Booyah! That worked out pretty good. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one.

I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one.

I'm excited I got one. I'm excited I got one. I know. There's a lot of names. Melanie Griffith. James Lally. Oliver Platt. Nora Dunn.

Academy Award nominee. Joan Cusack. Yeah. Alec Baldwin. Nominated for that role. And, yeah Platt, Nora Dunn Academy Award nominee Joan Cusack Yeah, Alec Baldwin Nominated for that role And yeah Yeah, yeah Feels good There's a scene in that movie

You've seen it, right? Yeah Twice, I'm sure Yeah, for sure And there's a scene in that movie where If you're watching it on cable They probably cut it But on other channels like Starz

Where Because it's kind of a light comedy You know, I know there's one scene where she's vacuuming in the nude or whatever. But there's a scene where she's in a limo with Kevin Spacey, and he's playing like her cheesy boss or whatever. And he's hitting on her and she's not having it.

So he pops up in some porn of himself eating out a woman in a pool. And it's really graphic. And it's in Working Girl. And then you also have to see probably the most the longest shirtless Alec Baldwin scene in the history of movies like that was already chick flick enough

for me to not want to have anything to do with it but between Kevin Spacey going down on a lady and Alec Baldwin's back it's just it's a heterosexual nightmare. Anyway, thank you very much, Maria Bamford, for listening to my speech at the end there. That was ridiculous. Oh, my God.

That was just like, you could have jumped in at any time and said, shut up, stoner. But you're so sweet to just let me go and go. So, Maria Bamford, everybody, one more time. And you don't have to get up and leave. You can stay for the ending theme. Until next time, this is Doug Benson saying, I love movies, for reals. Now it's time for

Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you, cause Doug loves movies!