Doug Loves Movies - Nick Swardson, Chris Hardwick, and Nick Kroll Guest

Episode Date: October 27, 2010

Doug welcomes comedians Nick Swardson, Chris Hardwick, and Nick Kroll to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, squeaky babies, sticky seeds With 50 azepop or kernels in his teeth They're still not born, then he won't see Because Doug loves movies Hey everybody Let's see what it says on the paper this week Hey, everybody. Let's see what it says on the paper this week. My name is Doug, and I love movies.

This is Doug Loves Movies, coming to you from the UCB Theater in L.A. this particular time, after Comedy Death Ray. Did everybody here tonight, or most of you, enjoy the special Halloween show that they did this week. I saw parts of it. It was crazy. They had Kanye Rest in Peace was the big closing number. That was amazing.

It's Tuesday, October 26, 2010. There's a new pay-to-listen episode of Doug Loves Movies on iTunes now. Hopefully it's $1.99. I think it was the last time I checked. But for some reason when it first went up, the price was $9.99,

which probably isn't worth it. The show was taped in Orange County with probably the most disinterested crowd I've ever done the podcast for, and that's dating all the way back to the very first I Love Movies before Comedy Death Raid, before anybody knew what it was, and it was just like, what is this thing before this other show we came to see? And yeah, it was weird. It was like a comedy club on a Tuesday night

where a lot of people just came in wanting to see a stand-up comedy show and they got a you know arcane movie trivia game instead so uh they weren't that into it but some people were into it some people had name tags and it was cool and um yeah so I'll just have to be more careful about like where I do live shows in the future out on the road uh we'd done one in Irvine before and it went great, so I just assumed it would go great again, but whatevs. I had a great time out there with my

guests, Doug Millard, Chris Parter, and Brendan Walsh, so check it out when the price comes down. When the price is reasonable, then go get it. Not sure if I'm going to see the new Hilary Swank joint. It's called Conviction, and that tells me two things. One, that the actors are going to work really hard.

And two, so am I. So I don't think I'm going to go. How many Oscars does Hilary Swank need? Does she have three shitters in her house? November 4th and 15th are the final two, not the final two, but the last two nights of tapings for the first

season of the Benson Interruption in Los Angeles at the Music Box Theater. You can still go to DougBensonTickets.com to get on the list to get into one of those. And speaking of that, my guests tonight are the same three comedians you'll see if you watch the premiere episode of The Benson Interruption

on Comedy Central on Friday, November 4th at midnight. November 5th, technically, but whatever. Please welcome Nick Swartzen, Nick 5th, technically, but whatever. Please welcome Nick Swartzen, Nick Kroll, and Chris Hardwick. Thank you. What the hell was that about? That weird face you were making. Don't worry about my face. All right.

You can talk into the microphone. It's a podcast. Could you describe the face? I am a podcast listener. I made an interesting discovery when I had the three of you as guests on my show. You all have ick in your names. Think about it. Smart humor.

Goes over some people's heads. You've got an interesting seat over there, ma'am. All right, so... Do you want to move? She started to respond. She had a full sentence worked out in reaction to me pointing out... There's some front row seats if you want.

She's in the president's box over there on the side. Yeah, come sit with all these dudes over here. This is also the smallest crowd we've had in a while because this is super late at night. What time is it? It's like midnight or something, right? It's fucking noon. November 2nd.

It's noon on Nick Swartzen time. On pretend time, it's noon right now. Have you guys been watching pretend time on Comedy Central? Have you really? Do you like it or no? You don't have to.

All that clapping was pretty positive. That's a thing I heard of! I said, who's watching it? And why would they be watching it if they didn't like it? I thought they were just being nice. They've been watching it, but just with the sound off. Applaud if you've seen more than one pretend time.

That's what I'm saying. Wow, thank you so they didn't come back a second time that's awesome can i ask a question yeah you put out a show with your name on it to both of you is it incredibly stressful yes do you feel a constant judgment of your comedy yes yes i'm more stressed out about his show than mine to be honest with you because every time i've seen nick over the last how how long have you been working on that thing? A year or two? Yeah.

Every time I see you, you're like, sketch is so hard. Like, you're always like, seem like you're working way too hard. It was a thousand times harder than I thought it was going to be. I was like, I'll just show up and just put on a mustache.

I was like, no. No, it's so much more. So, yeah. But yeah, having your name on, because I didn't want my. No, it's so much more. So, yeah. But yeah, having your name on it, because I didn't want my fucking name on it. And then they were like, just have your name on it. Put your name on it. I'm like, put your name on it.

Put your name on it. I take that back. That'd be weird if they called it Anonymous' Pretend Time. Pretend Time? Just with a question mark called it Anonymous' pretend time. Pretend time? Just with a question mark. The Anonymous interruption. When does your show start airing, Douglas? Pretty soon.

I just said November 4th at midnight. I got the coveted midnight slot. No way. Yes. So wait, does that mean it airs on November 4th At midnight or is it November 3rd At midnight It's noon at night

It's technically November 5th November 5th at noon Stop saying that, people are going to tune in at noon Is your show at noon, what the fuck are you doing Yes it is I'm changing it They can't show your show anytime before 10 p.m.,

I bet. No. Because it's dirty. It's so fucking dirty. It's a dirty show. If you haven't seen it, it's every episode. Wait, isn't my sketches

on it tonight, right? Me and Nick Kroll had our sketches on tonight where... Well, I don't want to ruin it. Don't ruin it. All right. Tune in in the past, podcast.

Yeah, this isn't... We're not live podcasting. So wait, so it's Friday, November 5th at midnight, but technically that's November 6th, right? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, well, I'm glad we cleared that up. Yes. I feel like we just did an awful who's on first

for the fucking new millennium. Any joke structure. Wait, I don't understand the concept of time. Who's on the podcast? Technically. Pretend time. Credits. It's anything from midnight to like 3 a.m. or so.

It's a confusing thing to have to tell people about. Like Jimmy Fallon, like in prime time, they'll say tonight on Jimmy Fallon, but he doesn't come on until the next day. I got into a Twitter argument because yesterday on October 25th, I said 25 years ago tonight, Doc Brown gets

killed by Libyan terrorists, or does he? And all these people were like technically it was October 26th because it was after Ben died. I know, but when Marty saw him, he was like, tonight. So it still was the fucking the 25th to them so i just went and saw that i was in san francisco and i saw back to the future

in the theater uh for the anniversary nice and we i was told that we're gonna go see it at 12 30 and i was like okay great i will go after my shows he meant.30 in the afternoon. But all your clocks have been set 20 minutes ahead. Shit, yeah, that's a good reference. That is a solid reference. Can I ask a question about that movie? Yeah, let's talk about movies. Is that cool? Is that alright? I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm sorry to interrupt about that other stuff.

What? I was re-watching that movie. I hadn't seen it in a while. Today, they would have to have some reason as to why Michael J. Fox was good friends with a mad scientist. They were fucking. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, you see in the backstory. But there's no reason. Marty, I got these big speakers.

Exactly. Come on in. Oh, you blew them out. That's okay. But speaking of blowing things, I lost all of the Von Braun's family fortune building the DeLorean and on the rape trial.

The multiple rape trials. They lumped them all into one mega rape trials. They lumped them all into one mega rape trial. Like a class action suit, Marty. Wish I could go back in time and undo all that, but I guess I won't. I'd rather see the old west. Does this reopen a whole wound for Stoltz? Well, now the new DVD, the 25th anniversary DVD and Blu-ray,

is going to have footage of Stoltz, because they shot for a week with him. I heard it was more than a week. It was just a week? It was actually a while. It was several weeks. I saw the thing with Zemeckis, and he was talking about it. They might be spinning it differently. They show footage of it, and he says he literally went in with Spielberg and was like,

this is not as funny as it's supposed to be. I mean, he basically said, Stoltz is not playing it funny. It's not funny. Right. And Spielberg was like, well, let's do what we want to do. But they said the same thing when Michael J. Fox did Mask. Yep. They said, this is too funny.

This is too funny. This is hilarious. This is not supposed to be hilarious and it should not be so Eric won that one you know what I mean are you trying to tell me I have some kind of rare bone disease Mallory

cut stop improvising that you're fired get Stoltz yeah I want to see Stoltz in there though I want to see it I think it'd be interesting because he's a good actor

yeah man I've never disliked Eric yeah he's totally good as shit I liked him in Say Anything do you remember what he was in Say Anything yeah he was like he was? Yeah, he was like,

first of all, he was a PA on Say Anything. What? Yeah, Eric Stoltz went through this weird thing where he would take real jobs while he was a known actor. Yeah, he totally Franco'd it. No fucking way. He Franco'd first.

And on fucking Say Anything, he was a PA for the entire movie. I swear to God, it's something I either heard or made up. I heard that Stoltz was the stand-in for the boombox in Say Anything. So he

just had to lift. And Stoltz had to go, in your eyes. It's so awkward. It didn't work out. That was shot in they shot that after the movie was done. They shot John Cusack holding the boombox

and they put him in Amelia Earhart Park in North Hollywood. Really? Yeah. I heard that the original cut of that movie is Cusack's like a dick. And they were like, you gotta make him more likable.

Like they went back and reshot stuff to make Lloyd more likable. Or I made that and reshot stuff to make Lloyd more likable. Or I made that up. I'm not sure. I think that one's made up. It's fair. Maybe they did, but he's so fucking likable. There isn't a scene where he's unlikable, I don't think. I know. You sure you're not talking about

the dad? Because he goes to prison and shit. He's pretty unlikable. Oh, the dad in it? Look at my jukebox then he's in jail in an orange jumpsuit yeah that's a weird turn

isn't it which part what when he when the dad was in Frasier it's a prison release program

I mean it kind of took me out of the say anything story I think maybe you shouldn't watch say anything in Frasier at the same time I think it just

blurs the lines too much what's the point in picture in picture then? What's the point in it? I would like to do something now because Chris Hardwick's here, and along with his writing, songwriting team partner, Mike Furman, they are Wiccan Man. No, it's Harden. Harden Furman. You're not Wiccan Man. No, it's Hard Furman.

You're not Wiccan Man? No. That'd be good around Halloween. Wiccan Man. No, that's not the Nick Cage movie. That was Wicker Man, right? That was Wicker Man. That would have been great. Why are you burning me in all these sticks?

Why would I do to deserve this? But in his version, it's wicker comma man. Wicker man. I just read that. It's just him at Pier Imports. Pier 1. Pier 1. Pier 1 Imports. Do you have a

large effigy that we could purchase? Does this couch go inside and outside? How do I get this to an island full of witches? I don't know if any of you guys sound like him, but it's still pretty funny. It's getting worse and worse. I think it's getting better.

Yeah, I was like, why was Doc Brown at Pier 1? You guys sounded more like John Travolta trying to sound like him. In Face Off. That's right. I mean, if you pull someone's skin off and put it on another skeleton, it'll look exactly the same. That's how it works. There's been a lot of voice stuff tonight already on the show.

You might be right, Nick. Thank you. That was a character. I do. So Chris and Mike wrote the theme song for my new thing, The Benson Interruption, and for the theme song for television. It's never had a theme song for the live show, but I would like to debut it.

What? Now, ahead of time. I'm playing the show. It's 15 seconds long. Yeah, it's 17 seconds, but who's counting? We'll play it like 14 times so it lasts like a regular song. To make it a full show. We'll play it the one time and see how everybody likes it, and if you like it,? We'll play it like 14 times so it lasts like a regular song. To make it a full song. We'll play it the one time and see how everybody likes it.

And if you like it, maybe we'll play it a second time so we can start that. It's kind of the same sort of, what do they call it, earworm as the theme for this show. I hum it all day long every day now, and it's driving me insane. So welcome to my world. Here it is. The hard and firm theme for the Benson interruption. Doug Benson has

a show. He cuts off all his friends cause it's the interruption. He's most happy when he's saying things that pop into his brain. It's funny. It's funny. It's awkward.

It's Fockward. Originally 32. That was fun. That was really fun. Because we had a dinner with you. And you were like, yeah, man, just incorporate some of this stuff. Make it like 30 seconds. And we're fine.

So we made a 30-second version. And then you're like, this is too long. But you said! No, that's welcome to the world of trying to make a TV show where you can't just do what you want. You have a lot of people to answer to. It's the worst problem anyone could ever

have. It went back and forth. 30 seconds, 22, 27, 15, 18. Sometimes 18, yeah. At one point you said songs are like math and there's no way for us to shorten it. And then Mike figured out a way to shorten it.

No, no, no, because you asked us to cut out two lines and I said, no, there has to be a certain mathematical symmetry to the song. I still got those two lines cut, ladies and gentlemen. But we had to cut four lines. Yeah, but two of them were those two lines cut ladies and gentlemen but we had to cut four lines we had to cut four lines to make it work yeah but two of them

were those two that you were talking about I actually pitched Nick a theme song do you mind if I sing the theme song that I pitched for Nick Schwartz's

for pretend time we'd love to hear it I don't have a I'll just have to do it acapella if that's alright you don't have the music ready no I'm just gonna do it acapella

Nick Schwartz's pretend time You don't have the music ready? No, I'm just going to do Dr. Powell. Nick Swartzen's pretend time. Bye-bye. I'm Nick Swartzen. I'm pretending to not have time for Nick Kroll. So he said I had to cut out three of those farts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had to tighten that up.

And I was like, mathematically, you can't cut those farts out. No, you couldn't. No, you couldn't. But we cut them out. Cut them out. Have you been to the movies, Nick Swartzen, since the last time we talked in this very room? Yes, I have. what'd you see Jackass 3D nice

I saw it too did you I was talking to Nick yeah fuck you sorry Nick I was talking to Nick when Wee Man was on the podcast Sorry, Nick. I suck at Nick. When Wee Man was on the podcast, and he's so awesome,

and Mike Kaplan was also on, and every few minutes, Wee Man would belch really loud, and they'd go, Mike! And he just kept doing it through the whole show. He can't not be a jackass. That's great. There's no off switch on those jackasses.

Ain't no off. Johnny Knoxville got a tooth knocked out by a flying dildo making that movie. A dildo hit him in the face so hard it knocked one of his teeth out.

Man, that is living. That happened to me. I had real... Making a theme song for the next words of pretend time That's how we roll man I have a fucking dildo cannon In my house It's like one of those

Tennis ball guns But it's just penises It's good I hit a thousand of them a day Like Agassi It's like faggacy. That would be the best way to prepare for trespassers.

To have a t-shirt gun or something loaded with dildos. Because if somebody trespasses, they'll never forget what they did wrong. If you shoot some dildos at them. Old man flying dicks house? No, I don't go around there. It ain't the guard dogs I'm afraid of.

It's them veiny flying saucers. Saucers? Yeah. Did you see Jackass? Yeah, yeah, I loved it. I saw it not only in 3D But I also was in one of those D-box chairs At the Chinese theater here in Hollywood

What does that mean? And the fucking chair moves the whole movie They pee in your coke for you What is that happening? I heard it was really good For Fast and Furious Because your chair is just like Jackass

You just get hit in the face with dildos yeah you just get your mouth fucked when they get knocked down the chair just violently like you feel like a violent hit whenever they get hit oh it's like some kind of haptic feedback on your chair yeah they program the whole movie in and like but the worst part is during the disgusting parts which of which there are several where you're sitting there in your seat thinking, I might throw up. Literally almost threw up. Like when Steve-O's doing that thing, like he's gonna throw up and he's

heaving, the fucking chair heaves you the same way. So you're watching a guy almost throw up from just eating a bar of shit. And then a midget comes out and just comes in your mouth. Do you realize that that was some guy or some team of people's

passion project for like eight months was meetings about how much the chair should gyrate when Steve-O pukes? Or some guy just did it in an afternoon. Are all the chairs... It was making me laugh.

My buddy told John, you could turn it off, and my friend that I was there with, he turned the thing off. I didn't know you could turn it off. He was like, I've had it with this. Every time they'd get smacked around, it was really violent. I can see Fast and the Furious, but Jackass

seems weird. Man, the sweat scene in that. That's when I almost lost it. Just thinking about it. You know the other time? The shit volcano. I came pretty close. The only other time that I almost puked in a movie was Slumdog Millionaire

when he falls into the diarrhea pond. Yeah, the little kid. That's I literally almost puked in the theater. But that's just because I don't like brown people. Yeah, I was going to say, is it a racial thing that the same sequence in Schindler's List didn't bother you? No, no.

And also that was in black and white, so it didn't look as shitty. No, I just found that erotic. That would be a weird movie to see in D-Box chair in Schindler's List. Schindler's List. That would be really uncomfortable. What about seeing Buried? What about to see in D-Box chair, Schindler's List. Schindler's List. That would be really uncomfortable. What about being buried?

What about that movie in D-Box? In the way of D-Box? You just wouldn't move at all? Yeah. Is that out? Did that come out? Yeah, it did. Did you see it?

It did come out? It makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it. The trailer was too much for me. And also, there's no way you'd get cell phone service if you're buried alive. But did you see it? Did you see it? Especially if you have AT&T, motherfucker.

Nailed it. Fuck you, AT&T. Too soon. You're right. I'm sorry. I haven't seen this. I didn't see Jackass. I finally saw Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus,

which is fucking awesome. Wait, you finally saw that? I don't even know what that is. I don't know what that is either. It's in the fucking title, Nick. A Mega Shark versus a Giant Octopus.

Is it real? Yes, it's a movie. And I think the How many people saw it here? Does one of them win? Is there a clear winner at the end? Oh, everyone loses, Doug Is it animated?

No, well, there are some CG Quote-unquote CG parts I feel like Who's in it? Like Norman Fell is in it And Norman Fell is no longer alive Lorenzo Lama Is it like Avatar?

Morgan Fairchild is in it It's just like Avatar. Then no one will see it. But minus the budget. It's like Avatar, but instead of James Cameron, Kirk Cameron. That's right.

Kirk Cameron directed it. It was directed by Emilio Estevez. It's called Avatar, and it's this blue alien. Oh, I like that. I watched that. But it's... I feel like they didn't tell the actors

what the movie was going to be, so the actors are very serious about it. I mean, the actors and Debra Gibson. Don't fucking growl. I actually... She was my favorite part of the movie. Debra. She was good in it?

It was interesting. You have to see it. And because they're actually making Megapython versus Gatoroid. They're making it. Of course, I looked her up on IMDB. I'm like, what other movie is she wearing on? Of course, Megapython versus Gatoroid.

I wonder if these two are related. Really? Gatoroid? Gatoroid. That just sounds like a weird growth on your neck or something. Yeah. It does. Gatoroid. is that a previously

named monster or is that a new one? I'm sure it's some sort of alligator type creature, Gatoroid like humanoid. Right, but they made it up though. It hasn't been in something before. I think this is Gatoroid's first credit, Doug. I don't know. Nick and I are

wondering. Nick was asking me what they were talking about and I said I don't know because I had friends growing up. Normally Just to be serious for a second. Yes, absolutely. Sorry. Normally you have to have your own movie before you can be in a versus situation

in another movie. Right. You have to have already been in something. Wait. Gatoroid was in Hannah and Her Sisters, right? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah. That was right. Okay. Yeah. Gatoroid was the one in the ugly sweater. Yeah. Exactly. Gatoroid sells Diane Weiss coke.

I just don't know if I love him, but he's just wonderful. But, you know, it's complicated now. I don't get along with the bird who cleans his teeth. No. A while back. Nick hasn't known what's going on for a long time. I got nothing. Me and my buddy John Mulaney wanted to create a Diane Weiss film festival called the Weiss Infection.

Get infected. See, that's what happens when you have friends, Chris. That's what happens. You come up with the gayest concepts possible. Paranormal Activity 2, I saw that. Really? Did you really? I didn't even see the first one.

Is it real? I didn't want to go. Yep, another family decided to tape every minute of their lives. It's really funny how it's like, it's pretty much the same movie, but they're like, how can we amp this up? And they just add a dog and a baby. Like, oh, now the spirits are fucking with a dog and a baby. That's more intense than just some arguing couple.

That first one pissed me off so much. It was so good most of the way through. And then there's the scene where the fucking Ouija board catches on fire and their reaction the next day is like, I don't know. They don't fucking... Wouldn't that be the moment where they're like, we need to get the fuck out of this house.

But they take it in stride. Also for me, not enough Gatoroid. Not enough Gatoroid. Gatoroid versus paranormal activity. That'll happen. That'll totally happen But yeah I didn't I don't like

I didn't care for either of the movies I got I got tricked twice Because I just find it very boring Waiting for something scary to happen When that scary thing is going to be Something I don't even really believe in

Or find scary I don't like scary movies I don't like going to really believe in or find scary. I don't like scary movies. I don't like going to see them. You don't like scary movies or you just don't give a fuck? No, I don't. Do you get scared? I get scared and I don't like that emotion. I don't like that feeling.

I saw The Exorcist when I was five and it kind of fucked with me. You're five? Yeah. How did that happen? That's like one of the scariest ones ever. It's not like all horror movies are as scary as that. Yeah, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.

What is going through your head when you're watching a little girl fuck herself with a crucifix and go, your mother sucks cocks in hell! How do I get myself one of them crucifixes? Nice. Well played. I saw Phantasm when I was seven years old on Halloween night on HBO on home box office.

It was kind of the time. You mean that was the hour that Rambo wasn't playing? This was in the 70s. This was in the 70s. Man. I'll tell you my two favorite contemporary horror films that I enjoy. Wait, wait, wait.

What's the other option? Ancient horror films? Yes. Yes. This pictogram depicts a horrifying Egyptian situation. No, I'm saying the last 10 years.

Don't walk by that cave. It's got a really scary wall. Look at the bison in there. They're having fun with me. No, they're not having fun with you. They're having fun at you. At the back of my head.

What are your two contemporary horror films? The Orphanage. Spanish film. It was incredible. Loved it. Fuck you. All right. And the next one is, did you see The Descent?

Yeah. That one fucked me up like pretty bad. I thought that movie was decent. It was decent. It was pretty decent. It was pretty decent. I saw this,

I did see a horror movie that I really love called Made in Manhattan. Yep. Anybody want to explain the face to the podcast? Did you see the sequel? What was it called? Made in Manhattan, Full Blown Maids.

Now that movie was scary. Now that one. Oh, shit. Oh, brother. How long have you had that one in the holster? A couple seconds. Nick can AIDSify anything oh my god like I was sitting

trying to you know pick out the best parts of what we did last night for the TV show and I think between I think all I think all four of us say AIDS at some point

it's really it's really an AIDS-a-thon finally people are going to look into the problem yeah exactly It's really an AIDS-a-thon. Finally, people are going to look into the problem. Yeah, exactly. I'm fairly certain I did not reference AIDS in the show. No, but pretty much every other horrifying... Because you have to pay AIDS every time you say it on television.

Oh, I thought you didn't have to pay AIDS when Michael Jackson died. That was a non sequitur more than a... I wasn't trying to say he had AIDS or... I don't know what I he had AIDS or, I don't know what I was trying to say. I don't know. I've been making a lot of Michael Jackson jokes lately and people don't, are sensitive

to them and I don't understand why. Well, I used to vote in the, at the school near my house is the Michael Jackson auditorium. And then when the, the last round of allegations came out, they put these wood blocks over Michael and Jackson, so it just said auditorium. Really? Yeah, yeah. They didn't change it to like the Tito Jackson one. But then he died.

And they brought it back up. Well, first Captain EO came back to Disneyland. Yes. And then they restored. I'm going to be Doug Benson as in. Yeah, then they restored Michael Jackson auditorium. It's so weird. So when I vote next Tuesday, I'm going to be voting in the Michael Jackson auditoritorium. It's so weird. So when I vote next Tuesday,

I'm going to be voting in the Michael Jackson Auditorium. Wow. Yeah, when you're done, after you select your thing and they give you your I vote a sticker, they say beat it. Have you... How does that...

That killed two of us. How does that joke work on the 68-year-old retiree who gives you that sticker? I can't wait to find out. That's the only reason I'm going to vote. I'm just going to stand in the booth for a second, vote yes on weed, and then leave. I'm not even going to vote for anything else.

You knock over one of the voting booths and go, excuse me, this voting booth is off the wall. Thank you. Thank you. Don't even leave time for a booze or applause. Go right in and thank you.

Thank you. Same joke. I'm just hoping the old lady that checks people in is named Diana. The possibility. You just cover her in mud so she's dirty. Dirty Diana.

That would be taking it to the next level to be sure. But those were two good horror movies that you mentioned, Nick. Nice job. Thank you. Chris Hardwick, what's your favorite? Horror movie? Contemporary. That's a real word.

I actually enjoyed the original version of Let the Right One In. I thought it was really awesome. Did you see the remake? I did not see the remake. I heard the remake's really good. I hear it's so faithful that it's good if you haven't seen the other one, but it's not so great if you've seen it, because it's almost like that shot-by-shot remake of Psycho that was so terrible.

That was pretty good. Excuse me? Oh. Hey, come on, guys. We're all friends. No, I don't want to. Gus is a close friend. I'm going to do a shot-for-shot remake of Elephant.

But instead of a high school, old age home. Love it. Oh. I'd watch that. Good spin. I also saw, there's a Spanish movie called Cronocrimines, which means time crimes. And it's a super mind-bendy time travel movie.

What does that have to do with horror? Oh, I take it back. Someone just posted on my blog, one of my bloggers just wrote that there was a movie called something like Let No Children Die or No Children Should Die or something like that. Another Spanish

horror movie. Based on the George Bush speech. Yep, that's right. No child left behind. There will be a great horror movie. No, I thought George Bush said no child should die or whatever. He was making a good point.

No child should die. Let's live in a country where we don't let children die. No children will ever die. A society of zombie children forever. I'm trying to find the name of this movie on my... Oh, that's a good idea. Nick, what do you think?

Besides Made in Manhattan, give me a real one. A real horror movie playing around. Who can kill a child? I can, I have. Oh, I thought you were looking for volunteers. Oh, Doc Brown may have. Who can kill a child? Who can kill a child?

I, I mean, I honestly don't, I very rarely watch horror movies. I don't like them. But I was just talking about that movie Altered States recently. Awesome. Which is sort of a horror movie. No? No, I'm shaking my head because that movie freaks me the shit out. Yeah, that movie freakeded States recently? Just sort of a horror movie? No? No, I'm shaking my head because that movie freaks me the shit out. Yeah, that movie freaked me out.

It's a movie, William Hurt, early 70s. He's like part of this intellectual academics crew but they're also drug users. He's smoking a ton of weed and he goes in this deprivation tank. What is it? You just lay in salt water

in the dark. And it's like the womb. It's supposed to get you totally body temperature, and you're supposed to like, it's like being back in the womb. And so he sort of trips out in there, and then he goes down to Mexico, where he tries this drug that's like peyote, and he wakes up after his trip. Hey, I don't know, I'm sorry to interrupt,

but are you going to describe the whole movie? Yeah, so now people have to see it now. Anyway. This isn't the Doug Benson movie description? On one of his trips, he sees like a fucking ram that has

eight eyes or seven eyes or something, and that, oh, I can't. That's a thing I wish I could unsee. Really? I think it sounds fucking horny. Get it? Thank you. I'll say it for you.

Thank you. Thank you. Early 70s? Yeah. Fuck. William Hurt. It's crazy, too. I want to see that.

But I don't like scary movies. Won't see them. All right, well, I hope that's not going to be a category in the Leonard Maltin game. Because it's time to play scary game

look at that name tag there's a professional one over there so Chris Hardwick who would you like to play for in the audience pick there's three name tags to choose from that I can see oh there's a couple back there well I know but I have to go with the oh you, you know what? You did use your finger to write that, but I got to go with Sean over here because he has a Hello My Name Is app, clearly, on his iPhone.

And that is, I respect that. That's awesome. Okay, so Chris is going to play for Sean. Nick, who would you like to play for? Swartzen? I'm going to play for Philadelphia Flyers right there. All right. He doesn't have a name tag.

Yeah, he does on the back. Oh. Yeah, he does, on the back. Oh, shotgun go booyah. Holy shit. Shotgun go booyah. What does it say again? Giriachilo? Garcilo. You're drinking that incredibly awful Bud Light and Clamato mix.

I see those billboards in Sun Valley and Español sometime. What is that? What's the name? It's beer and tomato juice. Chelada, yes, Chelada. Chelada. Abierto Chelada.

Which I assume is great if you're at an upscale Mexican restaurant. Yep. But bad in a tin can fucking tall boy. We have all this beer. Do a commercial for that product. Would you like to drink a Clamato and beer?

Have you lost a bet? I'll play for the girl who complimented me outside and stroked my ego. Sorry, fella. What's her name? What does that say? Erica Curry. No last names, please. Erica.

Okay, so we got Erica, we got Giancarlo. It could be Tim Curry, by the way. Just so you're aware. Okay, and Sean. Okay, so remember who you're playing for, you guys, because I forgot already. Sean. Chris, of course, has been, uh...

He's been part of the Tournament of Championships. Uh-oh. Yeah. He's a strong player, you guys. Oh, fuck. Swartzen, though, first time he played, he came out strong. Did a good job. That's right.

I don't know how I understood that. Nick Kroll hasn't made an impression one way or the other. I won last time. Oh, okay. Good for you. Totally by default of bad playing on someone else's part. Yeah, it's the strategy game as much as the knowledge game. Who was it who played badly? Tom Selleck.

He didn't bring it? No. Did not bring it. Magnum P.U.? Nah. That's what he did. Yeah? I just saw Three Men and a Baby the other day. It was on TV.

Hold up. And I watched it. Did you see the ghost? It held up. Did not see the ghost. But my favorite part about what I realized, like, movies in the 80s, is that it's like the most broad family comedy, but yet there's a huge cocaine subplot.

like the most broad family comedy but yet there's a huge cocaine subplot which i just love that cocaine was so everywhere in the 80s that it it was just in a family comedy it just was like a part of people's lives yeah it's like a fucking huge thing about like ted dancing getting coke and shit it was fucking awesome he does it off the baby it was. You forget all those little things. Do you know what's ironic? If you watch the movie Ghost, you can see three men and a little lady. Thank you. Thank you. Nick is getting cheated with face laughs.

I should do a movie called Coaxed. Nick is getting cheated with face laughs. Gotta get him some, though. You know, we should do a movie called Coaxed. And it's ghost, but it's fucking coke. And then there's just a scene of you and me on the pottery wheel, and we're just building fucking coke. I don't know. I don't know.

And Whoopi Goldberg's in the movie. She's a fucking coke. The crazy thing is, you could actually get that made, Nick Swords, and you could actually get that movie made. I could see what I am. I'll see what I can fucking do. I'll chip away at the system. It's funny.

Chris Hardwick has a, I don't know if it's going to make it into the final cut, but Chris Hardwick has a reference to Ghost in the set that he did last night. Is that true? Yeah. I did. And it specifically involved the pottery wheel, so. Really? Yeah, so it'll be interesting when people see him on TV, they're gonna be like, oh, he just

got that idea when listening to those guys talk about it. Oh, shit. Yeah, right? Yeah, fuck. You fucking thief. I'm a future thief. Yes. You should just. Chrono creme. Chrono creme it is. I go into the future to steal comedy jokes.

We already previewed your songs. We might as well preview that joke. How'd that joke go? The joke was, do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them

just to crack up other ghosts? The Swayze guy is hilarious! So hopefully that'll get in the show. That'll be funny. That was funny. That was like your... No, that's not your closer, but I think we're going to go to commercial on that. Okay.

And then we come back and do tweets. Yeah, that's right. Is your show an hour or a half hour? It's a half hour. Are you serious? We all did like 25 minutes in. We taped like 90 minutes with these guys last night. Oh my god.

And we have to narrow it down to 22 minutes. Ah, shit. Yeah, yeah. Thank God the theme song is only 17 seconds. That's right. Gives us a little breathing room. You're going to have to cut some more of the theme song down. Sorry, Chris.

We'll cut the clapping. We literally each did like 40 minutes of the taping. We're going to cut it down to like four. We'll cut the clapping. Well, there'll be like, you know, if there's a DVD or something. Can I tell you though, it was a tremendous amount of fun. Like you were fantastic in the audience. It was great.

The set was super awesome. You looked great. It's a really good show. You looked fantastic. Thanks, guys. You're the best three possible first show people I could have had. Huzzah! X L Z R. We got to play the game. We got to get out of here. These people have been here for seven hours. three possible first show people I could have had. XLTR.

We gotta play the game. We gotta get out of here. These people have been here for seven hours. It's not about them. It's true. I mean, I like to put it on a good show for the live crowd, but it is for the listeners out there. So F all of you. It's for those sad, sad young men that don't have friends.

That just listen to the podcast and it's their friend. Well, that's wonderful that the podcast has them. And vice versa. Would you like, we'll start with you, Nick Kroll. Would you like a motion picture that takes place in or around an airplane? That was submitted by someone on Twitter called at the awful people. Would you like It's Bob Hoskins' birthday

yesterday because now it's after midnight but yesterday It's Bob Hoskins' birthday so would you like Bob Hoskins movies? Or would you like the aforementioned

and category you probably want to stay away from? Horror films. The first one was what again? Plane movies. Which are also horror films generally the first one was what again plane movies uh which are also horror films generally uh bob hoskin movies are also generally horror films so you're really i'll go uh in a corner plane movies okay would you like a plane movie from 1997 2005 or 2006 um 2005 all right 2005 Alright

Hold your guesses audience I hear murmuring already Some nerd knows it already Two stars from Leonard Maltin Can't say that I disagree As I said it was from 2005 And I'll give you a couple little snippets From the review

Without giving away what the movie is One character wakes up from a nap snippets from the review without giving away what the movie is. One character wakes up from a nap. Got it. I already know it. Do you really? I think I do. Okay, and then... Nappy Gilmore.

Yep, Nappy Gilmore. Done. Told you. Oh, and Leonard also says, he says, this contemporary thriller... See, I told you it's, and Leonard also says, he says, this contemporary thriller. See, I told you it's a fucking real word. I believed that it was a word. I don't think you did.

He says it becomes remote and uninvolving. All right. And there are ten names. How many names do you think you can get in? Ten. Nick Kroll says ten. We come over here to Chris Hardwick.

He thinks he knows it already. So it might be an interesting You know what? Actually, I think there were a couple just the way that they cluster types of movies. I think there were a couple there. But I think maybe I could do it in five names. It says five, Nick. Swartzen.

I can't. I can't do it in forty. So what do I do? I can't do it in 40. So what do I do? I can't do it in five. You could say, so you gotta say, Chris, name that movie. Name the movie, Chris.

All right, so you get five names. Okay. Do you like the clues again? No. It was a napping thing, right? Yeah. Someone wakes up from a nap. And it's a contemporary thriller.

Okay. And it's a contemporary thriller. Okay. And it's uninvolving. Uninvolving. Stephanie Farissey. Oh! Michael Irby. Judith Scott. Greta Skaki.

Skachi, some might say. Yeah. Stachi. Stachi. I think I know what it is. And Michael Lawson. That doesn't help, so what is it?

I think it might be Flight Plan. That's correct! Flight Plan. Do you even know? Jodie Foster. My review of that movie was... Bob Hoskins was in Flight Plan? No, that's a different category.

Oh wait, what was the category? Plane movies. Mov movies in a plane. Oh, shit. Movies that take place inside Bob Hoskins. Okay, it's okay, I'm sorry, it's okay, I take it back. I thought it was Bob Hoskins. My review of Flight Plan was they should have called it Panic Plane

and then not made it. I liked Flight Plan. You did? Yep, I did. All right. It was kind of an odd plot that didn't really... Is that the one with the Irish guy in it? Yes.

Okay. What? Do you remember Flight Plan? I remember the... Jodie Foster wakes up from a nap and her daughter's missing on a plane. She breathes on the window. Where could she be on the plane? Turns out Jodie Foster knows a lot about the plane

because she's built planes for a living. So she's really got a lot at stake. She's got to find her daughter on the plane somewhere. That's what she does. Her reputation and her child are at stake. There's a fucking heart in the window when she breathes. Oh, okay. I got it now.

All right, so Chris Hardwick got that point, and Nick Kroll was not involved in that skirmish, so he'll start the next round. Would you like to do a movie featuring an actor from Back to the Future, because it's the 25th anniversary, as we were talking about earlier? Squee! Would you like an actor from Glengarry Glen Ross, for no reason other than that that movie's awesome,

Would you like an actor from Glengarry Glen Ross for no reason other than that that movie's awesome? And Nick and I think there should be a Glengarry Glen Married or whatever, Unmarried. Glengarry Unmarried. Glengarry Unmarried. Or In Theaters Now. That's motion pictures that are in theaters now. I would like, let's do Glengarry Glen Ross.

Okay. You get an actor from Glenn Gary Glen Ross Who's in these other movies From 2001, 2003 or 2006 2006 Okay Leonard gives us three and a half stars I'd maybe go the same

Maybe a little less He calls it potent And he says so if you get a bitch pregnant I'm sorry I didn't want to say that I take it back I apologize you're getting ready for your comic view angry at myself

and he said it was inspired by a 2002 movie oh balls what year was it? 2006? 2006. Inspired by a movie in 2002. Three and a half stars.

Potent. And there are 13 names. Inspired by The Clues Make It Harder by the way. Yeah. Try not to dwell

on the clues. I'll say 10. It's also one of the seven or eight actors that were in Glen Gary Glen Ross is in this, so it doesn't narrow things down much. Ten names, you say? Yeah. All right, Chris Hardwick?

Oh, jeez. I don't know. I haven't seen Glen Gary Glen Ross, I think, since I saw it in the theater. So I have a basic understanding of that. I know a bunch. I mean, I know. You know what? What? What? What mean, I know. You know what?

What? What? You were like, you know what? Like, you're going to announce something. I was going to announce that I wanted to. You're going to make him name it? But that's 10 out of 13. Shit.

No, because you know what's going to happen? If he can't do a 10 out of 13, I will murder him on the spot. I know. I know. But what's going on? Make for great podcasting. I will tell you exactly... I will tell you exactly what's going to happen.

Just because I don't want him to have to do it, I'll go, I'll do it nine, and the next person will go, fucking do it, and then I'll have to do it, and then I'm not going to get it. But Nick can get eight names. That's still pretty doable. How many should I go for, Sean? You have a stake in this. I think you can get this. In how many?

Chris is consulting with a stranger who knows how to find an app on iPhone. Clearly an expert. He's convinced that I'm going to find five. I don't think so. If you go down to five, then Nick's definitely going to say it.

I will say eight names. There you go down to five, then Nick's definitely going to say it. I will say eight names. There you go. Do you think I can get it in seven? He's looking to Clamato, by the way. Gazpacho doesn't think he can do it. Because that's what it becomes when it gets cold. It just turns into gazpacho doesn't think he can do it. All right. Because that's what it becomes when it gets cold. It just turns into gazpacho in a can. How's your beer got no water?

You know what? I'm going to say I can do it in seven. All right. Sorry. All right. So now it's back to Nick Kroll. Purely to be the center of attention, I'll say that I can do it in six.

Nick Kroll, name that movie. Here we go. Oh, exciting. Name that movie. Yeah, name that movie. All right, name that movie. Okay, potent, three and a half stars, inspired by a 2002 movie. What does that mean? They're like, that's a good stars, inspired by a 2002 movie.

What does that mean? They're like, that's a good idea. We should do that too. Yeah, I don't understand what that means. You'll get it later, maybe. Once you find out what it is. How many names? Six.

Six? Dorothy Lyman. Kevin Corrigan. Mark Rolston. David Patrick O'Hara, James Badge Dale, and the sixth name is the actor that was in Gringotty Glen Ross,

Alec Baldwin. Oh. Oh. 2006, and this got three and a half stars out of how many? 2005, isn't it? Out of four. And it's 2006.

Oh. What kind of game are you running? This is pre-30 Rock. So he was swimming at the bottom of the barrel. Leonard gave it three and a half stars. That's no bottom of the barrel shit. No, I know. That's some real deal stuff.

Oh, wait. Is this still plane related? No. We're going to have to ask you to guess. Okay. I'm going to say the correct answer is married to the mob. That was a little bit older, I think. Chris, do you want to say it just for fun?

I can't remember the name of it. Is it the one with Anthony Hopkins? No. Nick? What do you think it is? Is it The Departed? Yeah! That was 2006? Nick, what do you think it is? Is it The Departed? Yeah! Oh my god! Shit, that was 2006?

Yeah, and it was inspired by the Hong Kong police movie Infernal Affairs from 2002. Oh my god, I can't believe that movie's already four years old. I can't believe you think four years is so long ago. Wait, no, I think it was not long ago. I'm remembering that rat walking across the thing at the end like it was yesterday. And that wasn't a good day.

So, you almost got the part of the rat in that one. It was down to you and an actual rat. It was between you and Patton Oswalt, wasn't it?

Oh my God, can I tell, quickly, we were at Comic Con and I did a show with Patton and Posey and Patton had a glass of scotch

and the guy couldn't remember what kind of scotch it was and Posey goes, hey, why don't you use that rat nose ear there? Whatever his name was. Remy or... Rat Tatooie.

Rat Tatooie. That's what he said. Why don't you use that rat nose ear to figure it out, Rat Tatooie? Who was that an impression of? That was an impression of Posey. Oh, yeah, sorry. Why don't you use that rat nose of yours to figure it out, Rat Tatooie? Who was that an impression of? That was an impression of Poseidon.

Why don't you use that rat nose of yours, Rat Tatooie? Is that better? Wait, Chunk from Goonies was that? I don't know why. He was just doing a set. So if you're just curious listeners, the 2001 Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross movie was Royal Tenenbaums with Alec Baldwin did the narration.

And 2003 was Cat in the Hat that also had Alec Baldwin doing God knows what. Because I never saw Cat in the Hat. All right. So let's... Do I get a point? That's the end of that category. Goodbye, Glenn Gary, Glenn married. Do I get a fucking point or what?

No, you get season two. He did get a point. Of what? Season two. Of what? Pick up you get season two. He did get a point. You get a season two. Of what? Pick up. Oh. That's what it's based on. How are you going to mix up the theme for the next season of Pretend To?

So let's play the game. That might be more fun. Whatever was just happening. But when nobody laughed at that last joke, it seemed like it was going so well. Tough but fair. Do I get a point for the part? You got a point for... Because you told him to name it, right? No.

Chris told him to name it. But I fucking named that shit, man. So now Chris has a point, and Nick still had a point, right? Yeah, I have a point. Which Nick? Chris has two. Chris has two?

But he didn't get the part, though. Oh, yeah, because I told him the name, and he didn't get it.arted, though. Oh, yeah, because I told him the name and he didn't get it. Oh, shit. Yeah, so Sean, who I'm playing for off the side, is like, you just got two points. Like, he's really invested. But I don't get a little half point? Like a bonus? Do you really have two points, Chris?

Oh, no, wait, because you told him. Nick Swanson has a point because he's the one that told him. That's what I said. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I told him the name. So everybody has a point except for Nick. Shut the fuck up, Sean. You totally threw this. It's not possible. I told him. Oh, yeah. Everybody has a point. Shut the fuck up, Sean.

It's not possible. Oh, wait. No, Hardwick told him to name it. Pin a dollar! So Chris has two points? Is that what everybody thinks it is? No, Chris won. Do I have a point? So it's two. I get one for saying the departed.

Who is supposed to guess flight plan? I like the scenario The Sane and the Departed Flight plan Who's supposed to Get flight plan I like the scenario Where Chris wins And then everyone Goes home Yeah That's what I'm

Excited about Do you know You've had a great show When the audience Is excited about Going home They've been here A while

But usually You've done that Before It was a long night And I should say Death Ray If they do it again Next Halloween

People fight to get tickets, because these guys were smart, and they got their tickets, because the whole entrance and then throughout the theater, they turn it into a haunted house. So it's one of those typical, where you walk around in the dark and people jump out of you, and it's fucking scary as fuck. And then

they all sit down for a really fun show, and it's great. The cobwebs that are normally here are a nice touch. Just fucking leave them up. Those were live people at the beginning of the night. All right. So Chris won our game.

Congratulations, Chris. Yay! I feel good about stuff. That was great. Got an amazing prize package for the winner. Who'd you win for, Sean? Sean, he's right back there. He's right there, Sean.

You're going to tear into these right away. Chris was nice enough to bring Vampire Uprising. Yep, sent to me in G4, Vampire Uprising. It looks like a kind of a romantic novel with vampires. This one I can't figure out that they sent to me. Crown of the Crystal novel with vampires. This one I can't figure out that they sent to me. I don't know. Crown of the Crystal Flame. Oh. Yeah, that doesn't sound

very manly, but he has some sort of cat animal. It was a pet. So, another thing for you to read is I brought a copy of Leonard Maltin's 151 Best Movies You've Never Seen. And I also have a Benson

Interruption t-shirt and a Doug Benson Professional Humoradian CD. And this shirt says what on it? It says Nerdist. Yay! It's a shirt that someone made for Chris's Nerdist

podcast in honor of it or whatever. And it was too big for me because I'm a wee individual. Yeah. So this is too big for him. So Sean, you lucked out. You can put it on over your Fly to the Concourse TV show. It's a one-of-a-kind shirt. And then, OK, that's it.

But also, this is fantastic. There was a TV show on FX. It must have been like a decade ago or something, hosted by Jillian Barbary. And it was called The Test. Oh my god, I did that show. Really? Yeah. I was a guest on it one

time, and they gave me this weird man purse, and so I'm finally re-gifting it. It's called The Test. It was in like that era of like all these fucking dumb panel shows, there was just hundreds of them. You sat around, and they were just like, if you could have AIDS or a European

vacation, which would you pick? And then the panel sits and argues about which would be the better choice. Is she the one who was dating OJ when he killed allegedly? I don't think so. She's been a weather girl with big

thick boobs in Los Angeles for a long time. Okay, she's the one on Good Morning LA. She's married to some sports guy, and then they got divorced, and now she's married to some other dude, and I know too much about her. Why don't you just download JillianCast already? I met her at a party once.

I don't remember if we smoked pot or not, but we probably did. Let's just say we did, just because, you know, who's going to complain it's a podcast? Yeah. Do you guys have anything you want to plug before we go? I've got to find out who they want to call shitheads.

Where are the losers? Not losers isn't the right word for it. When does this air? The people who are represented by losers. When is it coming out? Don't call the guy drinking chelada a loser. That would be... I have a gift for my person.

This will plop in a few days. What do you have? I was... This is... I forgot to bring something, but I was gonna... I made these t-shirts, so I was gonna give them my t-shirt.

You're gonna go home without a shirt? Oh, perfect. So you get this shirt. What does the shirt say? Yeah, sexy. It says legalized crystal meth. That's awesome. I, um...

I went in on that shirt with Nick. This is my booze body. What else do you guys want to plug? Anything? The League is still every Tuesday on FX? Yeah, the League's every Thursday. That's what I meant, every Tuesday. Every Thursday at 10.30.

And I'll be at the Helium in Portland this weekend and the Helium in Philadelphia next weekend. Nice. How many clubs? Come on. All right, I'm going to be at the... It's a pretend time. Well, that was a shorter version.

Cut it down. I'm going to be at the St. Louis Funny Bone November 8th and 9th. Louisville Improv November 18th to 20th. The Pot to Vote Tour concludes this weekend. So if you hear the podcast right away, you can still make it. San Francisco on Saturday. Sacramento on Sunday.

Both punchline comedy clubs at 420. I'll be performing at Fun Fun Fun Fest in Austin, Texas with... Why don't you make up some more credits? That's a real thing. No, I've heard of it. It's supposed to be fun. Fun, fun, fun.

But not very fast. It's just Fun Fun Fun. Fun Fest. Weird Alfred Yankovic will also be there. Yay! But not very fest. It's just fun, fun, and fun. Fun, fun, fest. It's not fest. Weird Alfred Yankovic will also be there. Yay! What's the date of the thing? That's November 5th. And then I think I'll be in Atlanta at the Laughing Skull.

And then after that, I think I'll be at the Addison Improv in Addison, Texas. Don't be ashamed of plugging the things that you're doing. It just makes me feel empty inside, Nick, when I talk about my... Okay. I wrote and directed Tron. Really? You did? Wait, the original? Yay, Nick Kroll, Chris Hardwick,

and the director of the Neutron, Nick Swartzen, everybody. Correct, correct. Thank you for hanging in there. Wait, I gotta get a picture of you guys after I do this. As always, Matt Morgan is a shithead,

and Chilada is a shithead. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talk show. and Chilada is a shithead.