Doug Loves Movies - Pete Holmes, Greg Fitzsimmons, and Samm Levine Guest

Episode Date: November 18, 2014

Doug welcomes comics Pete Holmes and Greg Fitzsimmons to the show, along with fan-favorite Samm Levine.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seats with 50 acid pop-up kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, but Doug Loves Movies! Hey, hey, hey everybody! My name is Doug and I love movies! This is Doug Loves Movies. Coming to you from the UCB Theater on Tuesday, November 18th, 2014, Wolf of Wall Street Fight Terminal. Starring Tom Hanks. Last night at CineFamily, I interrupted the Burbs with Colin Hanks.

Colin Hanks was there. Yeah, co-interrupting. First time that we've had like a sibling of a sibling. The son or offspring of someone that's in the movie and we had a great time making fun of...

Tom Hanks is hilarious in that movie. I couldn't believe it. But then when Colin Hanks, right while he was there, I forgot to tell him to Fargo fuck himself. But great guy, great time. Next interruption at CineFamily will be the Christmas classic,

The Long Kiss Goodnight. Yeah. On Monday, December 22nd. Don't make the assumption that this won't sell out because you'd be making your ass out of you and umption. Which is a great Sam Jackson line from that film. Cinefamily.org for tickets. Irvine,

California. Looking ahead, I'm doing stand-up shows at the Fancy New Improv in the Spectrum on December 28th and 29th. My annual holiday taint shows. Because it taint Christmas and it taint New Year's. Bring a name tag and you might win a Whistling Banes t-shirt. The prize bag tonight is super festive and full of

fun stuff let me pull out what I brought I brought a t-shirt that I got somewhere along the lines somewhere along the line that says on it I gotta look right at it

I didn't prepare that much Billy Cannon smoking ink. Yeah, so it sounds like a place that sells weed and gives people tattoos. So, uh, that's always a good idea. And then, uh, I've got a Gateway Doug

2. Oh, shit, water's on the floor. There it goes. I loved how you almost somebody almost went for it like they were my secret service team jump in and grab that water for Doug Gateway Doug 2 Forced Fun is in here

I'm almost out of copies of that so you'll not have to hear that anymore and then everything else is I thought I brought something else oh yeah I brought something else. Oh, yeah, I brought a nice yellow lighter from, I know yellow lighters are, what do they call it, bad luck in some circles. But white is the other one I hear.

And I believe that white is right. So a nice yellow lighter from one of my friends at Chameleon Glass and they sent me like a whole shit ton of them. So, not unlike Pop's hot dogs.

Those will be in the bag for a while. Oh, and also, a wind up nun toy that shoots flames out of her mouth

while she walks and carries a ruler. It might be the nun from Blues Brothers. I don't know. But we've got lots more stuff in the prize bag, but we'll sort through it with my guests. Three chairs this evening because these are the three best guests that I could imagine.

Please give a big, warm welcome to Greg Fitzsimmons, Pete Holmes, and Sam the Ma'am Levine, a.k.a. Lil Wolverine. Pete Holmes is excited that he got his power seat. I got my seat. He got the seat right next to me. Pete Holmes, everybody. I got my seat. He got the seat right next to me. Pete Holmes, everybody. I got it. We did it. What a lineup, Dougie.

Thanks for having me. The Greg Fitz Dog Radio and Sammy the Machine Levine. Yep. What'd you bring for the bag, Pete? That's a stick of Palo Santo. That is a stick of...o Santo. That is a stick of... You're so happy with yourself.

Do you expect the audience to applaud when you say it? Burn it, man. Oh, here we go. This is my favorite incense. It's just a type of wood. I thought that was a dog treat. Machine, I swear to God. You could let it burn a little bit more.

It smells so good. It wards off like evil shit. Come on, Doug. It smells like I just put my face too close to a campfire. You're welcome. I know you blaze that chronic. I know you toke those trees.

I know you blaze... Did I already say blaze that chronic? He said it. By the way, ladies and gentlemen, fire exits are located here in the left. As long as we have some incense going, I might as well hit this. Hit that shit. You can't vape Palo Santo, though.

You gotta get this shit in your lungs, Smokey the Bear style. There you go. Yeah! Science! Like, what is fire, man? They don't know. They don't know.

They don't know. Finally, my podcast is answering some serious questions. What is fire? Look, if you win the... Ah, that's some good stuff right there. It's going right towards Doug. It knows your energy like a cat that doesn't like you. I mean, that smell really smells like you might as well,

you could just set some regular logs on fire. It doesn't really... Yeah, there's nothing that, no offense, Pete. No, no, no. We know you found that on the way over. It's just a piece of shit you found on the ground. Just because an enchanted homeless man sold me that for $1 doesn't mean it's not a good deal.

Don't you mean that he was enchanting, not actually enchanted? No, he was a chanting homeless man. He was chanting. Buy this stick. Buy this stick. Set it on fire. Craig Fitzsimmons is here, you guys. That's a good smell.

Host of the FitzDog podcast. FitzDog radio. FitzDog radio podcast, which I was just a guest on at the sushi restaurant next door to this facility. And we chatted. Birds sell sushi now?

That was the most fun. No, that sushi stop next door to this facility and we chatted. Birds sell sushi now? That was the most fun. No, that sushi stop next door. But that was the most fun thing about doing that there, Greg. Did you call him Craig? No, I called him Greg. That's what I said, Greg. You said Craig.

Can we roll it back? Did you hear Craig? I heard nothing. I was paying attention to the audience. I tune into them. He's a pro. I got this, Pat. So Carl, we were sitting out there.

Where's Carl? We were sitting out there at the sushi restaurant at tables where when you're sitting two people together and they see two people right next to you, it becomes instantly kind of uncomfortable because now we've got to decide what we want to say that people right next to us are going to hear. There goes the N-word.

Right? He meant nigiri sushi. I was going to say he meant Narnia. You know when you go through the wardrobe and you're in Anland? Yeah. But two ladies that sat down next to us when we wrapped up the podcast,

we got kudos. We got compliments. They were really entertained by us up the podcast, we got kudos. We got compliments. They were really entertained by us doing the podcast right next to them. We're so sad that it's over. You guys had such a good flow. So natural. They really were impressed that when you'd stop speaking, I would speak. And we'd take turns and we didn't interrupt each other.

They thought that was great. And I was like, that's what we kind of do all the time. There was a moment where I was like, that's what we kind of do all the time. There was a moment where I pulled back though because you started doing a Bill Cosby impression involving rape. Let's not get into

what Bill Cosby has to do with rape. Let's just say it was a fancy flight of an imagination of mine and I don't do a good Cosby impression. And then it was also about rape.

I think there was Jello putting pops involved. I like that you're not worried about saying rape. You're like, sorry, the impression isn't very good. But we did cover rape. Oh, I'll say the word rape till the cows come home. And then rape the cows. Oh, no. We've got a Fitz home and then rape the cows. Oh, no. We've got a

Fitz Dog Radio mug in the bag. Yeah. Oh. When I burn Palo Santo at home. Oh, you put it

in a Fitz Dog mug? I put it in a mug. Oh, there you go. Oh, that's insulting. I'm going to burn it. It's not insulting. Way to ruin that mug. Well, it's a coffee mug.

Who cares about coffee fits? All we have is the moment. I like that these days, you go and get a little lunch with your lady friend, Joyce, and it's a coin flip as to whether or not a podcast is going to be recorded next to you.

There's a time that that would have been preposterous. Something happened in the entertainment realm right next to them, and they're just like, yeah, we just listened to it, and we loved it. That's why they moved here. That's a spot-on impression of those two ladies you don't know. There you go. Can you do the impression with one of them being raped?

Mm-hmm. Zip-a-dip-dop, dip-a-dip. That wasn't them. You know how much you fucking saved me? I said raped, and the room got a chill on it, and then you did a Bill Cosby impression, and you saved my ass, and I thank you. That's some good yes and, right there.

It's so cold, you can store a pudding pop from now on. Oh, my God. What happened? Who's next, Tim the Tool Man? I think my impression is better than Pete's. But anyway, Greg Fitzsimmons live on stage.

Life on stage. Life on stage. But you were live on a stage. That is correct. When you did it. That's in the bag. Life at the Comedy Center.

And also, Sam Levine is here, you guys. A.K.A. Little Wolverine. Thank you very much. And he brought something that he said was promised. When did you promise this?

The last time I saw you in Nashville. Oh, okay. You promised you'd bring a pair of L.A. Dodgers headphones. Yep. That makes me sad. Those were given out to the first 10,000 fans at Dodger Stadium someday this past season. And I thought you guys deserved them more than Nashville. I would totally chuck mine on the field.

Do they give you on the way out? Do they give everything on the way out now when they have a giveaway night? No, no, on the way in. That shit is your problem for the next three hours. Bad day, they had to wrap up bad day. Because it's always beer day. That's a bad idea. And Sam also brought

Legally Blonde 2. Red, white, and blonde. Bigger, bolder, blonder. Are you in that, Sam?

No, it's This Generation Citizen Kane. Does it say that on here somewhere? It fucking should. No, it just says even blonder than the first. Which I don't even know if you could qualify that. They're underselling it.

They seem pretty similarly blonde. That was my problem with the first one. It wasn't blonde enough. It was pretty blonde, too. But I have a pretty high tolerance. Ooh, bend and snap. So, uh... All this stuff is in the prize bag. Ooh, bend and snap Nothing So All this stuff is in the prize bag

And Sam Levine I got a question for you about Yes You play the character of Festival Dude Sam With one M One M So it's not you Nope

Because your name is spelled with two M's That's right In the new Vacation movie? Yes What is the new Vacation movie? Yes. What is the new Vacation movie? Well, Doug, the new Vacation movie is a reboot of the series, if you will, starring grown-up Rusty Griswold, played by Ed Helms, and his wife, played by Christina Applegate,

and he decides to continue the Griswold tradition and take his family on a cross-country journey. I like that you took the most simple premise but stretched it out to 45 seconds. Yep.

It is the biggest heartbreak of my life. It's been the dream of my life to do a remake of the Vacation films. Oh, you want to star in that? I wanted to be

the Clark Griswold. Is it completely shot already? Thank you. It is in post. But old Daddy Helms isn't working enough, I guess. Has to take Palo Santo out of my market. He's not playing enough characters who are nervous and frustrated. Yeah.

Can I have a piece of the nervous, frustrated pie, Daddy Helms? Can't I? I find it crazy, Pete Holmes, that you haven't been in a single feature film. Yeah, but I'm shooting for the movie. I mean, even I've had a couple of dumb little parts. I was edited out of the film. Her, I'm in it. What?

Yeah, I'm in the background. You can see you in the background. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you have to wear beltless pants? I did, and they were high-waisted. Yeah, high-waisted beltless pants. High-waisted, and they did my hair all proper.

There's nothing sadder than being really dappered up in the style of the film, and then just not in it. Then you just look like a fanatic that was like, Spike! Spike over here! What did you say when you did speak in your scene that got cut? My scene was repurposed with Amy Adams. She said everything

that I said, but it was, I know. She got all that great dialogue? She did, and then Ed Helms came in and was like,

what she said. Fuck you, Helms. Fuck you and your pleasant face. No, the scene where Guacamole is talking to a small child,

you can see me in the background standing like this. Keep an eye out. So you're in it. I'm in it. Yeah. Doug, I just want to point out Jimmy Pardo got completely

cut out of Dream Girl. Oh, he was so great in that. I'm assuming. And Greg Barrett got completely cut out of Jerry Maguire. Go on. And Jon Stewart was completely cut out of First Wives Club.

Is that true? Yep. I believe it. The reason I am in the vacation movie at all is because it was co-written I thought the story of Stuart was completely cut out of First Wives Club. Is that true? Yep. I believe it. The reason I am in the vacation movie at all is because it was co-written and co-directed by my Freaks and Geeks co-star, John Daly. Oh, I thought you were going to say because you were on vacation. And I was on vacation in Atlanta. I was on vacation and I was standing in the background like this.

You got to come to the live ones if you want to get these physical jokes I'll tell you that right now I heard they're reshooting with Amy Adams right now by the way you gotta feel good we just cock blocked your real film credit with five minutes of us talking about stuff we and other people were not in I feel fucking great

you're in a movie? I was one time almost in a movie what have you been cut out of Greg? did you get cut out of something? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. You got Dave Coulier'd? Actually, I was supposed to be in Full House.

But they thought the house was too full. The house was too full. And that you just couldn't pull off being the triplet. Actually, the twins weren't really twins on the show. There were one kid played by twins. They kept one in a cupboard.

But we all knew they were twins the whole time. We sure did. One was a little bit different. If I was trying to sleep with one of those girls, I'd be like, you're totally different. One's a lot different right now. Is that true? Yeah, have you seen the...

She's had work done. Did she, Zellweger? She's like, make me not look like my sister. Can I tell you, as someone who used to look like, Zellweger? She's like, make me not look like my sister. Can I tell you, as someone who used to look like Renee Zellweger... Quit squinting and smiling. I just gotta say, how... Just stop squinting and smiling and you won't look like her anymore.

First of all... That's how she did it. She ruined my bit. She ruined my bit. You can look like whatever you want. The only worst thing that could happen to you is if Val Kilmer died. It's true. I don't think you know the loneliness of knowing you look like someone's

before picture. She gave them a photo of me and said, can you stop this? And they did. She's so generic looking now, though. I thought she was cute before. I do, too. She was a fun time at the movies.

Yeah, that was a goddamn shame. She does. Don't do that, ladies. Well, you can do whatever you want, I guess. Yeah, do whatever you want, ladies. That's what I meant to say. You know how she got that part in Jerry Maguire? This is true.

She went into network to screen test with Tom Cruise. And then she went in. Tommy C. Tommy C. And she did her read for a few minutes. They gave her some notes. She did it again. And then she walked out.

And she walked out and she's like, I just know there was not good enough chemistry in there. So she got like 10 steps out of the room. She turns around, goes back into the room, bursts the door open, and jumps on Tom Cruise's back. Which was not a big jump. Nope. She really stepped on Tom Cruise's back. Just a little hoist.

She took a teeny little hop. He's a small, good-looking man. And then she started playing with him, and then she kissed him on his cheek, and then they were laughing. And then she's like, I just wanted you guys to know we do have chemistry. Now I'm gone.

And then she walked out. And then they gave her the fucking part. So let that be a lesson to you. If you have the opportunity to jump on Tom Cruise's back, take it. She had the part already. She did not. That could go either way.

Because Cameron Crowe said in an interview that had the part already. She did not. That could go either way. How do you know? Because Cameron Crowe said in an interview that was the deciding factor. There's a 98% chance that you're going to go back into that rehearsal room, jump on Tom Cruise and his bodyguard is just going to shoot you with one silent gunshot. Just like, we have chemistry!

You got to stand your ground when Renee Zellweger is squinty and smiling and coming at you. Shoot her with a science fiction gun. You had me at Halo. No. You know, I know. At least you show up planning to work. You make an effort.

I don't get paid. I came here from a dinner that I wrapped up early with a stick of Palo Santo with hits like You Had Me at Halo and you have the audacity to groan? Do you think I get a check for $500 at the end of this? I'm doing this for my heart.

What's the longest you've gone with a microphone in your hand where you didn't chastise the audience for not enjoying something enough? It's my thing. Alright, well my thing is to say, let the games begin! The audience brought some things for you to think about.

Oh, those things. Name tags. Where's your baseball? He's got it in his pocket. Get it! Through his water, his girlfriend. I didn't think the top was off. Apologies, baseball Jordan. Sam is already

on the move. He already knows what to do. But Greg and Pete, just go pick a name tag you want to play for. Bring it back to your seat. And while you do that, we'll do this. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Who are you playing for, Sam? I'm playing for Dirty Sexy Kristen.

All right. What was the movie called originally? It's a TV show called Dirty Sexy Money. Oh, it's a TV show? Disqualified. Yeah. Thanks, Kristen. Whatxy Money. Oh, it's a TV show? Disqualified. Yeah. Thanks, Kristen. What do you got there, Greg Fitzsimmons?

This is, I guess I read your name from the passport, right? Our first name is good. All right. Timothy. Good, because the last name... The middle name is a mistake. Yeah. That middle name sounds like you say it three times around a bonfire and pets come alive again.

How many vowels are in that middle name? Just all of them. Am I supposed to hold the name up to a mirror and it tells me what it really means? His name is also a street in Hawaii. All right, so I'm playing for Timothy, and this is his, for those of you not seeing this, this is a U.S. passport. And I checked to see Timothy's travels.

Oh, where's he been? Mexico once. Probably just went there to get some diarrhea and smuggle it back. Where would he smuggle it in? The colon, the body's crockpot. Mm-hmm. The colon, the body's crockpot. You know, Pete, if you made a name tag for the show, you could make one that says Pete Drunk Love,

but you chose Punch Drunk Jake. I have Punch Drunk Jake, because I like P.T. Anderson. I was telling you during what I didn't know was the break that I saw Inherent Vice, and now I know what it's like to have dementia. Oh, no, he's lost it completely? No, no, no, I'm saying as an audience person watching it, you'll just be like, I'm confused and scared. I know you haven't seen it.

I love P.T. Anderson, and I might be wrong, but I was sitting there just like, I don't know nothing. There Will Be Blood is like your favorite thing. I know. And this movie makes the Master look like Transformers. You know what? That's sort of what I wanted makes the Master look like Transformers. You know what? That's sort of what I wanted from the Master, was it to be more like Transformers.

Like a middle ground. Yeah. Wild sneaking and stalking and transforming. Look, if you've seen the movie, that's a funny line. There's like 50 people here, Doug. Including us. It's a small people here, Doug. Including us. It's a small

black box theater in Los Angeles. What's your point? I'm not saying it's bad, but if you're going to make a deep cut reference from the master, it's not going to kill. Oh, you're saying there's not enough bodies. That's what I'm saying. When you perform for your normal crowd of 15,000 and you say that, 500 laugh and it's a hit. It's a hit.

Yeah. It's a hit. One third of the audience. One third of the audience here you've got 18 people. Yeah. And they're shy. The audience here is shy.

I stand by why all the sneaking and stalking and transforming. If they're shy I think they're high. Yeah, I have a bit of a lisp. Getting dug with Shy?

These people are shy. Getting Doug with Shy McBride? Getting Doug with Shy. Or just people talk about their inhibitions. No, it's where Doug and Shy McBride get totally baked. Who's Shy McBride? These smart people know. He's an actor.

Is he? Oh, yeah, yeah. The black guy. Yep. He was the principal on Public Boston. Oh, that's the problem. Brother Solomon.

He was in Gone in 60 Seconds. The Frighteners. The Frighteners. Directed by Peter Jackson. Probably recurring on Black-ish. I don't see... I don't see color. He's on...

It's called African American. Ah. That you don't see. Aren't we all African American? Let's do this. Let's play the Leonard Maltin game. I feel like I already lost it. Sam is here to devour and demolish both of you.

Pathetic. The only way I can have. The only way I can win is to not get to the game. That's all I have. But then the audience loses. You've won this game. I have. You've done great.

Wouldn't it be great if I won and Sam just gets mad? Oh, no. I would find that delightful. And he turns red like the Noid from Domino's. The Domino's Noid. The Domino's Noid. You should try to get him to bring that back. You'd be a good voice for that.

I would. I need the work. Or just you in the suit. Look, I'm getting edited out of films. Help me out, please. No, when I said to Sam, I saw Sam backstage, and I just looked at him. And just kiddingly, I go, oh, so Pete Holmes today, it's going to be, you got your nemesis out there. And he said something that, in a cartoon, it would have been just dot, dot, dot with a black cloud at the end of it.

And he wasn't kidding. He was very deeply troubled at the idea of Pete being out here and not starting the game that he loves and is a master at. I just said, oh, great. Well, it'll be fun saying three things today. And that was the third one. Thanks for coming. If Sam the Machine Levine is here,

I have to think Juno is somewhere meditating over another you. Does that make sense? Nope. Not at all? Nope. Nothing. Who's the actress that played Juno?

Ellen Page. Ellen Page is meditating over another you? It's an X-Men joke. I see. Like you've time traveled back. It's an X-Men... It's a future pastime. I don't care.

I'll bask in it. We would have to be at Dodger Stadium for that joke. Bring out the earphones. I'll do better next time, Sammy. No, you're great. You're wonderful. You do you, Pete. I can't do anything else.

I'm trapped in here. Doug Dynasty is available now on Hulu. No. Netflix. Only on Netflix. It's on iTunes and Amazon. How to train your dragon. Yeah.

Did you see Big Hero 6? I did. At one point he goes, Science! Yeah! I couldn't believe it. It's very disconcerting when you see a film

with a friend of yours' voice because you keep turning to look at it. What do you think of the commercials where he plays a snot ball? Oh, I don't like that. You haven't seen that?

He's the Mucinex Muc... I saw your tweet. He's the Mucinex Muc... I saw your tweet. He's the Mucinex Snot Ball. I'm in your nose! Yeah! Pretty much, yeah. TJ Miller, do you know him? I just found out from Sam.

Oh, okay. Sam has all the answers. And that's why we're going to start with Sam because he's the returning champion from... He won the show in Nashville. I know Nashville. I got Nashville. What? Yeah.

So you get to go first. All right, let's do it. All right, and then we'll go to Pete and then to Greg. Because Greg, this is your first time ever on the show? No, I did it in San Diego, remember? Oh. So should we go to you next? Because I bet you you know more about the game than Pete.

I choose the category San Diego. Movies where you see a whale's vagina. There's Free Willy. There's an alternate scene where he falls on the kid and just right in there. Hold me like the river Jordan. All right, so Pete's going to go third.

Start with you, Sam, and then go to Greg. I'm Machine Levine. I've never seen a whale's vagina, but I saw Moby's dick. That was for you, Pete Holmes. That was an A-plus rip.

I'm going to carve a trophy for that one. I really mean it. At Food Junk suggested Red Tails, and that's movies where someone gets spanked. Or at Austin the Burge, B-E-R-G-E, suggested The Twerking Dead.

And that, of course, is movies where a stripper dies. And this is weird timing, because I just recorded the Fitz Dog Radio Show with Greg Fitzsimmons, and we discussed, not this guy, but a guy that's fairly close to him, celebrating a birthday today, Kirk Hammett of Metallica fame. Oh, the guitarist. So this is the films that have

a Metallica song on the soundtrack. Which one of those would you like to play, Sam? So the first one was The Woman Gets Smacked. The second was something about zombies? The Twerking Dead. A stripper dies. I thought you were good at this game.

Sorry. A true detective is not a movie. I apologize for blowing all that weed in your face earlier. Seriously. Because you sound like you're off your game tonight. I definitely am. I will take movies where someone is spanked. Oh.

All right. See, that's why you're not in movies. Because when you get spanked, you have to make a better reaction than... Yeah, Zion! Yeah, that's why TJ's in everything. He knows how to get spanked. Three stars from Leonard for this movie from 2002. He calls it intriguing.

He also says about it that it's bold and provocative and has superb performances. And he lists nine names, Sam Levine. How many names can you get it in? Zero. This guy. Wait, am I next? He's a monster.

No, Greg is next. We just discussed it. But I know what it is, too. Yeah, I do, too. I mean, don't act like... Oh, shit. Because there's only like one movie where someone gets spanked. Well, I have a lot of them on my computer, but I know what it is, too. Yeah, I do, too. I mean, don't act like... Because there's only, like, one movie where someone gets spanked. Well, I have a lot of them

on my computer, but major release, there's only one. Major release is one. See, Pete, see how it works when you say something that's genuinely funny. Cold man, when you say something that's genuinely funny. Cold man, like the river Jordan. All right, Greg, so you can go. And I will then say to thee.

You can hope that Sam hasn't figured out what spank movie it is. Or you can go negative one, which would mean you'd have to name the top billed performer in the movie. Or you could go negative two, name the top two-billed performer, in the order that Leonard Maltin lists them. You got to know who does this, Megan. You know already, Pete's already revealed that he knows what it is, so you got to figure out... All right, I'm going to say negative one.

There you go. Can Pete name the top two people in this movie that you think you know what it is? Who is that guy? Yeah, right? Which guy was that? You know, it looks like Kevin Rehm. You know what it is? Who is that guy? Yeah, right? Which guy was that? You know, it looks like Kevin Rehm. You know who that is?

No, and let's not talk about it anymore because that's revealing too much. Everybody knows. I think probably, but there's one guy that doesn't know. Look, Fitz. One guy had a sheltered childhood. Fitzy, I believe you can get it,

and I know I'm supposed to be cutthroat, but I want you to go do it. I feel like we've become like the Sklar brothers. We're setting each other up. We're no longer adversaries. We're a team. You're like one brain. When we play the...

Jews. When we play the Jews? Did you say play the Jews? You watch your step, sir. Playing the Jew. That's a step, sir. Playing the Jew. That's a step in a big pile of Jew. Kevin McCarthy. Wait, hang on.

You've got to say the name of the movie. Hang on, hang on. What happened? He didn't even say the name of the movie. Oh, he did. He kind of did. In my own way. He sort of meant it.

I can't believe you know the name of the guy, and it's also Kevin. All right, so. He looks like a Kevin. You're saying Kevin McCarthy's the lead actor? Right. And what's the name of the movie, and it's also Kevin. Alright, so... He looks like a Kevin. You're saying Kevin McCarthy's the lead actor? Right. And what's the name of the movie? Secretary. Okay. I don't know who Kevin McCarthy is.

I knew that wasn't his name. I think Kevin McCarthy's an old-timey actor that's in Body Snatchers. Yeah, it was Body Snatchers. He was in UHF. Yeah, there you go. That's a well-known movie. Is it Spader or Gyllenhaal? Don't touch that channel. Don't touch that dial.

What did you think it was going to be, Pete? It's Maggie Gyllenhaal's secretary. No, it's James Spader's secretary. That's what I meant. I meant fuck me. Typical male society. Pete Holmes is on the board with one point. We got it all on UHF!

That's the song that plays during the credits of UHF. I should get a point for that. I'm not Chris Hardwick. I don't just give them out randomly. Ooh, shots fired. No, his show works differently than mine. He knows how it works.

It's okay. Matt Myra dove in front of the bullet. What does that mean? One of hisra dove in front of the bullet. What does that mean? One of his friends dove in front of the bullet. You know, every time you score a solid laugh, you follow it up with a reference nobody gets. That's what I do. No, you're absolutely right. I should sit a few plays out.

I agree. Just kick back and enjoy the explosion of the last year. You're winning also, so that's exciting. That's the last year. You're winning also. So that's exciting. That's right, Jake. You're going to burn that wood tonight. Okay.

What? So it starts with me, then goes to Pete. Sam gets to pick the next category. Macaulay Cacklin, movies where a child star laughs maniacally. Okay, I like the category, but as often happens on Twitter when people suggest something, I say, but, I can't think of an example.

What would be an example? The good son. He laughs maniacally in that? But then that is also Macaulay Culkin. That's a little too on the nose. I feel like this game could be easier. You all knew it was Secretary. I handed you that one, but I knew you'd screw up on the Maggie Gyllenhaal thing.

I thought you'd say Maggie Gyllenhaal. I didn't know you'd pull Kevin McCarthy out of cinema from the 60s. The Brad Pack guy with the hair who looked like him. Oh, Craig Sheffer? No. It's an Irish name. Huh?

Emilio Estevez? They look like James Spader? James... Forget it. Just... Can you cut... Andrew McCarthy.

They were rivals, James Spader and Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink. Okay, good. At least I'm not a total fucking loser. We got it all on you

at Jeff! I mean, who knows that? What is that, Ira Newborn? Sam gets to start by picking a category. I would love to. And then we will go to Pete. Judge Bread. Movies where Sylvester Stallone has gained weight. Okay, I could go with that because I'd

go with Copland. Very nice. Yeah, that would work if we didn't just reveal it all Okay, I could go with that because I'd go with Copland. Very nice. Yeah, that would work if we didn't just reveal it all right here on the show. Yeah. Sam, you get to pick between Voight or Wilson.

That's movies that star John Voight or a volleyball. Nice. A hot deuce. Hot deuce. What do you think that is, Pete? Sequels that did better than the first one. That Leonard liked more than the first one.

Thank you. Thank you. And then Aiden... Now leave it alone. Leave it alone. You're like Liam Neeson to my early Batman. I will mind my surroundings, thank you. Aiden Quintessential,

which nobody's ever going to pick in a million years. It's the movies with Aiden Quinn that Leonard gave three stars or more. The quintessential Aidan Quinn movies. Yeah, that's a crazy one. I will go with Hot Deuce. Okay. Because Pete liked it so much.

Yeah, this is a sequel that Leonard liked more than the original. Three stars for this. So he gave the original less than three stars. This movie is from 1990. And he says about it that it's... Hard time. Hard time, too. You're like a pilot.

We're going to be lending... This movie has... This movie takes place in New York City. 25 minutes. And it has... It features satiric barbs. New York City satiric barbs? Yeah, that's all you're gonna get.

And he lists... I gave too many clues on the last one, apparently. He lists 11, 12, 13 names. 13 names. How many names, Sam? Satiric barbs. Here it comes. New York City.

Clearly I messed up last time. Here it comes, Pete. Negative three. Wow. Holy shit. Wow, Sammy the Machine Levine. I'm going to win. You think?

You think you're just going to challenge him and take this thing down? What am I going to do? Negative four like I know a movie from 1990 with satiric barbs? By the way, that was the name of an off-Broadway show featuring Barbara Streisand and Barbara somebody else. Walters. Walters. I'm going to say, Think about this Pete For a second Why you think he knows it?

Oh you think I should know it? No I'm just asking him To think about it Look it's 1990 What is that? I'm in what? 7th grade? Right

What is it? Hot Shots Part 2? And you lived in Amish country Yeah You were shielded From a lot of things Not shielded

But you just missed A lot of things That's faired, but you just missed a lot of things. That's fair. Is it a Kirk Cameron vehicle? Negative three is too cocky. This is every Greek play. You don't know it. You know we're talking about Sam Levine here, right?

Sammy the Machine Levine? I don't understand what's going on. Call him whatever you want. I call him Little Wolverine, but I'll tell you what's going on, Sam, is that I think you're going to nail it, and I'm just letting Pete know that,

but he can't go negative four, so it's going to be fine. I really hope they don't let you down. I can't name three people in Short Circuit 2. See, the way you say that, no one should be able to name three people in Short Circuit 2. See, the way you say that, no one should be able to name

three people in Short Circuit 2. Okay, go ahead, Sam. Three people that were in Short Circuit 2. Michael McKean, Fisher Stevens, and... See what I'm saying? Nobody can do it. I can do it.

I can come up with someone else in that movie. Yeah, I don't know. I can't even picture that movie. Because the main guy was gone. The main girl was gone, right? Yeah, Ally Sheedy and Goot. Fisher Stevens was like third build in the first one.

He was like, he became the lead in the second one. Takes place in New York City and there's witty, sarcastic, sarcastic barbs. Sarcastic barbs. Are you losing patience?

Yeah, I don't know what's going on over there. No, not sarcastic. It is. Short circuit two. Clearly I can't name a third person. Yeah, yeah. So there you go. Ally Sheedy was in both?

She has a voiceover. Oh, she has a voiceover. Oh, that's right. I can't confirm that. That's really cool. All right, Pete, what are you going to do? I'm going to say, name that movie.

All right. Sam Levine. Do you want any of the information again, or are you good? I can't name three people in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. Vanilla Ice, Donatello, Michelangelo. I guess I can't. Is the movie. I'm not going to say if it's the movie or not.

You've got to say the movie and the top three billed people. Then we'll discuss it. Top three. Gremlins 2, The New Batch, starring Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, and John Glover. Don't stop till you get enough. He don't. That's correct. Oh!

Holy shit! Whoa! Oh, holy shit. Whoa. Wow. I mean, it's just impressive. I like watching someone run a four-minute mile. Also appearing in the movie, Leonard Maltin as himself. Yes.

That's why he liked it. I believe that's why he liked it more and that's why you knew exactly what was going on from the second that category began. Used to have nightmares that I was seeing it.

Gremlins is a fun movie. Gremlins 2 is like is really wacky in a good way. Will you give me Chris Hardwick points if I can sing the Gremlins

cereal commercial? Here it comes. Grem sing the Gremlins cereal commercial? Here it comes. Gremlins, Gremlins, bite after bite. What a tasty way to satisfy your Gremlin appetite. Points! You forgot the last part. Don't get

them wet. You pour them out. All right. All right, Pete. Shut up. No, you pour it in the top. Sam has a point. You have them out. All right. All right, Pete. Shut up. No, you pour it in the top. Sam has a point. You have a point. Greg does not have a point,

but he could tie this up. He could make it a three-way tie. Greg gets to pick the category this time, and then we're coming at you, Pete, so get ready. Hot dog. Greg, would you like gonorrhea, girl? Ooh, gonorrhea with the wind.

Would also be a perfect title for this because it's a woman gets an STD movies where a woman gets an STD or Ethan Hawk

down and then of course there's films where Ethan Hawk dies oh this is weird two in a row paper that's films where

Dwayne Johnson dies. That's very funny. That's very good. To everyone who's never understood why paper beats rock, he's still under there. He's fine. Right? Right?

It's not beaten. It's just slowed down briefly. That's right. When Rock beats Scissors, he doesn't just gently place himself on top of the scissors. He bashes that shit. Apologies to Put Your Hands Together. Greg?

I'm gonna go Gonorrhea Girl. Okay. Movie where a woman gets an STD. This movie where a woman gets an STD is from... And again, I have a lot of those on my computer. Isn't HPV so prevalent any movie? It could be This movie where a woman gets an STD is from... And again, I have a lot of those on my computer. Isn't HPV so prevalent any movie? It could be a movie where a woman gets an STD. That's true.

Pretty Woman has to have it. Oh, sure. Although, to her point, they get tested more. Also, she didn't go all the way. She just... She didn't go all the way? No, she just gave hand jobs. She's Julia Roberts. She let him come on her hand. She didn't go all the way. No, she just gave hand jobs. She's Julia Roberts.

She let him come on her heart of gold. Three and a half stars from Leonard for this movie where a woman gets an STD. It's the only one I could think of off the top of my head when I was putting this together. 1980's the year. 1980? 80, yeah.

Leonard calls this a high-tension melodrama. He says it has a chilling score and that an unrated version is also available, which is probably true of most movies these days. But he lists seven names, just a mere seven names. Greg Fitzsimmons. Sam doesn't have it. I'm looking at that.

Fitz Dog Radio. Sam is a poker player. It goes to Pete next. Yeah, it does. That's why Sam gets that way. He can't get anything from this. He knows he might not even get to him. I'm going to say plus two.

What does that mean? Does that mean you have to tell me two names? But they're going to be the very bottom two names. You want to go higher. Yeah, I want that. What? You think you can name it with the two bottom names out of seven? No, I believe if you gave me the two top names, I could name this film.

So you want to say seven names. I want to say seven names. I want to say seven names. Did you learn nothing in San Diego? Except that I would forget that you were there. I was in the green room where there was so much pot being smoked, I got high without trying. Right? They call that a Jodie

Foster. Bam. I'm not going to slap your hand, but I do appreciate it. I know my audience. It's a movie-loving and a weed-smoking audience hand, but I do appreciate it. I know my audience. It's a movie-loving and a weed-smoking audience. A contact joke? Hit it. Dude gave me a Jodie Foster.

So, Greg, it's reading from the bottom up and there's seven names. So you want all seven? I want all seven. Perfect. I'm all seven. Perfect. That's the smart opening. Look, I'm doing it for Jake. I'm going to say name it. What?

He doesn't know it. This shit you pull. He doesn't know it, dog. I got to double apologize to Put Your Hands Together because... Who's Put Your Hands Together? It's the show that's on after this one every week here at UCB. Hosted by Cameron Esposito.

Why are you apologizing? Because we're running late and their show will start later. Gremlins, gremlins, bite after bite. What a tasty way to satisfy your gremlin appetite. Mr. T cereal was around the same time. It was all teas. I feel like a babysitter

and I'm supposed to put you to bed. Do it in seven names. Seven names. Do it. Here's your seven names. All right. And everybody watch Pete. I mean, watch.

Don't watch Pete. Don't look at Pete at all. Look at Sam, everybody. Because he has to just sit there and let this happen. Let me just ask you. what, I say six names, and then Sammy says, I don't know a movie from 1980. If the category was name a movie from 1980,

I wouldn't be able to do it. I can't imagine Sam asking you to name it with six, but maybe strategically, because you are so dumb, maybe that would work. But you can't take that risk. Anybody hearing one of the top two names could probably pull the name of a movie. You never know, though. Don't embarrass me.

Look, here's your seven names. Brandon Maggart. Do you have it yet? So easy. Is this starting from the bottom? Yeah. Okay. David Margulies.

David Mamert. What is it? Yes, David Mamert. He's it? Yes. David Mamert. Is not a headlining guy. No. Is that fake pubic hair? Dennis Franz was in this movie. Oh, sure.

I'm familiar with his work. Keith Gordon. Nancy Allen. Right. Sam knows it. Angie Dickinson. Ah. Who wants to watch this?

And Michael Caine. Michael Caine. Yes. She was only 1980 What's it called Greg Do I have to actually say something Say the name of the movie

I won't have to say I told you so You haven't given up on me Never Is that Dark Knight Rises? Yeah. On that day, sir, I won't want to. Every time Michael Caine speaks in that movie,

it's just a bummer. He's always sad and mad and yelling at Batman. Like, I didn't sign up for an Alfred that's yelling at Batman all the time. The bandit had been throwing them away. It's a black fly in your chardonnay. Now you're singing Alanis Morissette as Michael Caine? It's a death row

pardon. Would you mind leaving for the rest of the show? Is it ironic? Greg, do you have any idea? I have absolutely no idea. Oh my god. Mr. Plate's safe. Was a flake to fly.

Please stop quoting lyrics because they're going to charge us for those one day in the podcast. He packed his suitcase. I can't believe you did it, Pete. I know. You are a winner. You defeated Sam the Man.

He hasn't said. What was the movie? Sam will tell you the name of the movie. No, I won't. He won't even lower himself to answering the easiest trivia question he's ever heard. He's recused himself from the game.

It's the Brian De Palma classic, Dressed to Kill, where Michael Caine is a cross-dresser and blah, blah, blah. And then he gets crabs. Congratulations, Punch Drunk Jake. You finally won. We'll never have to see this name tag again, I hope. Where are you at, buddy?

There you go. There you go. Congratulations. The passport doesn't have a shithead on it, does it, on the back? Is there something written on it somewhere? Oh, you got it over there? Bring it over here, buddy.

You look like Punch Drunk Jake. You got a similar beard situation going on. I guess it's, are you growing it out because it's Movember or you always look like this? Yeah, yeah, okay, sit down. Your crowd work is stellar. It's so good. Hey, where are you from? Shut the fuck up.

So, you guys married? Throw these assholes out. It's a black fly. Alright. In your chardonnay. Sam, when can we see this new vacation movie that you're the star of? I believe it comes out October of next year. Oh, can't wait.

Anything else between now and then we should look for? Bide your time. I mean, I have a couple of indies that are in the can. I don't know if they'll ever be seen by human eyes. Oh, can't wait. Anything else between now and then we should look for? Bide your time. I mean, I have a couple of indies that are in the can. I don't know if they'll ever be seen by human eyes. Oh, they're movies that take place entirely in a bathroom?

But of course, you can see me every Sunday on Kevin Pollak's chat show. Yes. And you can see me on Hulu in reruns of the now-canceled Selfie. Oh. They're still showing Selfie on Hulu in reruns of the now cancelled Selfie

oh, they're still showing Selfie on Hulu? no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Fitz Dog Radio is your podcast. That's the podcast. And you're also on regular radio. I'm on Sirius XM on Howard Stern's channel Monday nights. The Greg Fitzsimmons Show. It's 4 o'clock. It's a good time. 7 o'clock in the east. Sure.

People can find it. Yeah, yeah. Check it out. They rerun it a bunch too, don't they, on that show? They rerun it all week. And then there's a big announcement about the show coming up actually in January. Big announcement. Who would have thought it figured? Will you do it?

Will you do the actual announcement? What is that? I don't know what it is yet, but I want you to say it. Oh, sure. Greg Fitzsimmons is replacing Howard Strange. That might not be the announcement. The second part is called The Ten. Oh,

the prestige. The bird has to come back. Prestige. Cider House rules. She was only 16 years old. Good night, my kings of New England, my princes of Yonkers,

or whatever he said. Pete, what do you got to plug? He's looking at his phone. I'm going to be at the Comedy Attic. You love that place on December 11th through the 13th. And then Irvine. Shouldn't you say the city that that's in? Bloomington, Indiana.

Thank you, Greg. You say it like we're in Bloomington. I'll be around the corner. Wherever you are, go into an attic and find some comedy. And then the Irvine Improv January 29th weekend and then You Made It Weird is my podcast.

Yay. Beautiful. It's like playing on your wedding day. All of my dates are at douglasmovies.com. It's a free ride and you've already paid.

And as always, Evan Michaels and Max Weinberg, not the drummer, are a shithead. It's the good advice that you just can't take. And who would have thought it's figure

and the person who won the Leonard Maltin game today is a shithead