Doug Loves Movies - Pete Holmes, Paul F. Tompkins, Jen Kirkman, and Carl Jensen IV Guest

Episode Date: November 14, 2012

Doug welcomes comedians Pete Holmes, Paul F. Tompkins, and Jen Kirkman to the show, along with contest winner Carl Jensen IV.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, Sidney's teeth with 50 as a knob, or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, cause Doug loves movies. Hey everybody, my name's Doug and I love movies And this is Doug Loves Movies Coming to you from the UCB Theater The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater As it's also known

In Los Angeles on Tuesday November 13th To Oceans 12 As you know, Doug Loves Movies has been on Tuesday, November 13th, 2 Oceans 12. As you know, Douglas Movies has been the lead-in to Comedy Bang Bang, the very popular stand-up show here at UCB, every Tuesday night. And I am sad to say that Comedy Bang Bang

will be ending its run here in three shows. There's the show tonight, which many of you are going to stay for, I assume, and then next week and then the week after. And then one more show, which is going to be, yeah, Comedy Bang Bang's going to go out with a

bang bang with the Comedy Bang Bang Nativity Pageant on December 4th here in Los Angeles at the Montalban Theater where all the seats are made of Corinthian leather. And I'm sure it may already be sold out, but if you don't have tickets yet,

it's an amazing lineup, like all the great comics that have been on Comedy Bang Bang over the years. Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, I assume, will continue to go on.

It just won't be a live stand-up show every week. And Doug Loves Movies, I don't know how that's going to affect this show, but I'm pretty sure it will go on as well. Now, from the corrections department, I called Paranormal Activity the granddaddy of found footage movies, and three or four people lost their shit. And they are right that that dubious owner should actually go to the Blair Witch Project

or Sex, Lies, and Videotape. I'm doing stand-up in San Diego at the American Comedy Company on Wednesday, November 21st. Celebrate Thanksgiving Eve with me and Brian Redband from Death Squad, powerful son. Now it's time for Watch This, Not That. The number one movie in the North American box office is Skyfall. The number two movie is Wreck-It Ralph.

Even though I love James Bond movies and I liked this one, Wreck-It Ralph is much more fun and has more candy in it. So watch Wreck-It Ralph, not Skyfall. This has been Watch This, Not That. Like that'sreck-It Ralph, not Skyfall. This has been watched. It's not that. Like, that's gonna hurt Skyfall's box office. It's made three billion dollars worldwide already.

I'm taping Doug Lowe's movies in New York City one last time this year at the Gramercy Theater on November 26th, and so please come out to that if you're in the area. And tonight, one of my guests is the winner of the fake trailer I Dream of Syria contest that I had last summer, and he got to pick who else would be on the program with him.

And I have the prize bag includes CDs and a book by our guests and a copy of Scanners, the great motion picture where really only one dude's head explodes. And yet then they made a bunch of sequels where nobody ever exploded and it was bullshit. And a Tito's handmade vodka hat. And of course, finally I've gotten rid of all of these now. Death Nurse. Another copy of Death Nurse. And my CD, Smug Life. And a Douglas Movies t-shirt.

And a Douglas Movies button contributed by someone in Phoenix who I've already forgotten their name. But they made these cute Douglas Movies buttons that I'll be giving out over the next few weeks. Get ready, guests back there, are you ready? Everybody, please welcome contest winner Carl Jensen IV, along with his favorites, Jen Kirkman, Paul F. Tompkins, and Pete Holmes. Thank you. Willie P, you have to sit right next to me.

You have to sit right there. I always like to sit next to you, Doug. Oh, what a good photograph. Carl... Shut up, Pete. Carl Jensen is here, and he brought... Carl, what is the story with this? Why do I look like...

That looks like a warning on a cigarette package. It's from Goonies. Well, that would make me never smoke ever again. I thought the movie reference would be the Goonies, though, is what that looks like. Or it also looks like a decapitated head. It looks like back in the 80s when they tried to make decapitated heads. The technology wasn't quite there. You know what I'm talking about?

It also looks like you drew it with your foot. Anybody else have any riffs about the picture? So you drew this, Carl? I did draw it. Yeah, so you're... I feel like he's saying your teeth are crowded. That's my main complaint. Check him out. My teeth are going nuts in there.

It's like British. It's really accurate. Have you tried drawing with your right hand? Paul, you're so far away. You make Sloth angry. Why would he draw you a sloth? I think he tried to draw an accurate depiction of me.

It was a semi-blind contour drawing. Oh! I thought it was a mostly blind contour drawing and that's why I got confused. Never. It was a mostly blind contour drawing. And that's why I got confused. Never. It was a semi-blind kind of drawing, which was one of my favorite songs by that band. Third eye semi-blind drawing?

Third eye blind. So we have a copy of Pete Holmes Impregnated with Wonder. Yay. Yeah, we got a copy of that. That's been around a while, so I'm not that excited about it. That's exciting.

Just hot off the presses, the latest Paul F. Tompkins joint. That's right, Doug. H off the P. Laboring under delusions. What does that cover remind you of, Pete? Give me the CD. The cover, yeah.

What was the name of the CD you recorded? Next to the Peachtree Dance. I hope he sees it. I hope Daniel Day-Lewis sees that. Oh my God, I hope he does too. I hope he has fond memories of our time together on screen. Who are you? What if I saw Daniel Day-Lewis somewhere

and he got all excited like, look who it is. What are you doing here? You've described every dream I have. Hello, Doug. Jen Kirkman brought this thing that backstage we were all amazed that such a thing exists.

Okay, it's called... It's a twernal. It's a book of tweets by her and responses to tweets by her like at replies it's a fucking book like it's

yeah anyone can get it made it's 30 bucks which I as I say it out loud I realize it might seem steep but somebody tweeted

that they made one and I went to this thing and it makes it I did it last year and it made them it collected all them from December to March. I would think this would only be of

interest to people who don't have access to Twitter. Oh, it's not of interest to anyone but I forgot my CDs. You just deliver them in Amish country. But hey, that's kind of different. With the phone book. That's kind of different. I thought your tweets would be in red font like Jesus. You see all those kids from, you see

all those Rumspringer kids going home with copies of these. Very exciting. And the ad replies, that's not... I forgot about that. There's Bibles where everything Jesus says is in red. Like, you're gonna sit there reading the Bible, and you see the red type, and you're like, whoa, I better pay attention.

I better sit up straight. I started not off until shit got red all of a sudden. Here's a classic tweet from January 22nd at 5.22 p.m. Quote, what's Twitter dash someone who isn't a narcissist? Meaning they said that. So that's some fun stuff. That's the best you could pick out of the whole?

That was the first I could pick out. What's the Library of Congress number on that book? And there's a map of Israel in the back. Oh, I drew that. Oh, forward by David Foster Wallace. Good get. Good get. It was the last thing he wrote.

Why don't I own this? Wait, no, don't read it in a mouthful. I think I don't want to give this away anymore. I feel like I saw some stuff that's private. Some DMs got in there by accident? Yeah, I think some DMs got in by mistake. Oh, some DMs are in there. I feel like I saw some stuff that's private. Some DMs got in there Yeah, I think some DMs got in by mistake.

Oh, some DMs are in there. I know, I'm just kidding. And Carl also brought a copy of the Motion Picture Scanners. Are you a big fan of Scanners? I've never seen it and bought that years ago.

I'm sure it's terrific. It's alright. Scanners? The trailer traumatized me as a child. That one guy blows up pretty early on, but... I went to see with my... My older sister took me to see Charlie Chan

in The Curse of the Dragon Queen, starring two non-Asian actors as Asian characters. Peter Hustonoff and somebody else? Richard Hatch from Battlestar Galactica. The original series. And beforehand, there was a trailer for Scanners where a gentleman's head explodes.

And that's not the kind of movie that they should be advertising before this dumb family movie. And my sister was very upset and spoke to the manager. Really? Yes. I love that.

It was the first time I ever heard the word inappropriate. But not the last time. I imagine being in comedy, you heard the word inappropriate. But not the last time. I imagine being in comedy, you hear the word inappropriate a lot. Am I right? You are right. That's Jen Kirkman, everybody. Jen Kirkman is here.

I get called out. Always a delight to have you here. I can't wait to read your twernal. Let's stop saying that. Have you been to the twernal, twernal, twernal, twernal? I will play. What?

It's the holidays. It's not yet. What are you, Target? Have you read the... Have you read the twirery of Dan Frank? I'm so sorry. What? It's the holidays. Twirly.

Twirly of Anne Frank. Casablanca. Casablanca. I'm playing the game already. Did I win? She had a lot of Instagram pictures of dark rooms. Where you couldn't really make out anything. Don't like it. And the caption just says, Shh! Hashtag shh!

Shoe is trending my fuel! It's not going to get any better. You guys have been great. Good night. Denver, yeah! I'd be so happy if you really left. I like that you said he won a contest and he made a list of his favorites

and we were the ones that were available. Well, I made a few calls. I couldn't get Slash. Slash didn't want to appear. Slash didn't want to do it. And Kumail got some sort of last minute acting job. I have to do it. I have to. I'm sorry.

Doug, I'm so sorry. I have to dance. You know. Doug, I'm so sorry. Judd Apatow, I have to dance. You know this business. It's a dance, and I have to dance. Seriously, though, let's smoke some weed sometime. So as I was saying, Jen Kirkman,

have you been to the cinemas lately? I haven't seen a movie in a year. A whole year with no movies. I'm not big into movies and I work a lot. Did you get a chip for that? Keep not coming back. Because you're worth it. Nobody's in fucking 12 Step.

We're not, but you don't even get the jokes, you fucking people don't. People drinking iced tea out of Colt 45 bottles in here. No, I think the last movie I saw in the theater was... The last movie I saw in the theater was... I think it was over a year ago, and I don't even know what it was. You've got mail?

If I saw a list... No, but it was probably something... If I saw a list of movies that came out in, like, 2010 or 11, I'd probably... Who's on that list? Give me that list. Can we get a list for Jen to look at? You know what I'm going to say? I've said this on the show before, but I feel like I gave everyone a year and a half to see it. That wonderful

movie with Bill Murray and the older guy that directs his own stuff and he should have won an Oscar. He threw himself his own funeral. Get Low. I told you last time I was here to see it. It's a good fucking movie. People still don't care about Get Low.

You can see every movie you want in the theater, but that's going to be the best movie you're going to see. I've got to go see a new boring Bill Murray movie where he plays Franklin Delano Roosevelt. No, this one's not boring. I don't remember what I saw. I'll think about it. I should have thought about it before I got here,

but I'll think about it. I'll let you know. Who's the guy in Get Low that dies? Robert Duvall. Thank dies? Robert Duvall. Thank you, Robert Duvall. Well, don't ruin the ending. It's time for me to get low. That's all I remember from that movie.

Is that a Robert Duvall impression? That's my first try. Getting low means being buried. Yeah. No, getting low means getting right, getting straight, getting honest. Oh, okay. And also, I think it also means getting buried.

I think it means... I heard it means pot. I got really low before the show. I do have a funny quick story about pot and movies. Oh, right. That's right up my alley. Both of them. Years ago.

Both ends of your alley. Both of my alleys are covered. Years ago, when Walk the Line was in the theaters. You haven't been out in a while. I was watching Tremors on Laserdisc. No, no, no. It's not about that. Because you're mine.

It came out on DVD or something. I walk the line. Forget it. Tell it. I was just giving some backdrop, like we played a clip. It came out on DVD. It came out on DVD. It came out on DVD. We were watching at my sister's house on Christmas.

I was back home with the family. My parents love Johnny Cash and all the music of that era, as people do. And my sister jokingly said to my mother, I heard Get Rhythm, which is one of his songs, means smoke pot when you're feeling blue. She was kidding. And my mother goes, Stop telling me about everyone who was on drugs.

Now I don't like that song. And you have to remind me all the time. This whole movie is about drugs. I didn't know they were on drugs when the music was out. Stop it. And she went in the kitchen and just sobbed. And that was our Christmas.

Can I come for Thanksgiving? I want to tell her about Puff the Magic Dragon. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving. Don't ruin that song. You don't celebrate Thanksgiving? Well, my family's older, and I haven't been back east in 12 years. Wait, no, old people fucking love Thanksgiving.

Yeah, why not? That's not an excuse. That's their jam. I've been telling you this is the goddamn shit all year. Not my parents. Can you tell them to cut my mic? Give me a cup of weak tea and some family tension and red wine on an empty stomach.

I love Thanksgiving. We couldn't hear it. It wasn't loud enough. You just got the car horn. What does that mean? It's the Rory Scoville Memorial car horn. You know that commercial he's in where every time you go too far, a car horn goes off?

Yes. I told them when Pete starts going off about something that has nothing to do with Doug or love or movies, then hit that car horn, and he just did it, but nobody heard it because that's how loud you are. That's my new album,

Louder Than a Car Horn. Time for me to get low. Is it getting worse? I feel like it's getting worse. What kind of, I'm bringing, I saw Iron Man, the last one.

Wait a second, you've already told, you've got to tell a movie story. Oh, I just wanted to, I think that was the last movie I saw was the Iron Man,

the one that was not the newest one. Iron Man 2. 2, that's the last movie I saw was the Iron Man the one that was not the newest one. That's the last movie I saw in the theater. The original title was Iron Man not the one that's the newest one. That's Paul F. Tompkins everybody. Paul is here. You must have seen

Skyfall already. Skyfall! Falling from the sky! I did see Skyfall. I very much enjoyed it. It was very entertaining. There were a couple things that I wasn't crazy about. Too much dinch!

Way too much dinch! It was really dinchy. Apparently she's not going to be in them anymore because she's losing her eyesight. Oh. Oh. Yeah. So, spoiler, everyone.

Well, but... Spoiler for the movie of life. No, life spoiler. Em isn't losing her eyesight. In fact, there's a scene in the movie where she's eating carrots. Yeah, that's right. And she says,

oh, yeah, I saw you coming from a mile away. I have perfect eyesight. But then also, how great does her eyesight need to be for a job where she just sits in a chair and says,

I'm not happy with what's going on here. Wait, Judi Dench is losing her eyesight? Yes. Oh. Yeah.

But the character M, she's in charge of the Department of Bad Decisions and she makes them throughout the movie at every possible turn. And she's in it too much.

In the James Bond world, everyone is constantly accusing each other of wild incompetence. Everybody's like, you're not doing the right thing. You're not doing the right thing. We stink. It's like the Senate with guns. But doesn't James Bond get any credit

for always pulling it out? Always? Yeah, always. Like, it's like... Okay, remember last time you told me I was a crazy lunatic who didn't know

what he was doing? What happened? Yeah. Like, I did the right stuff, right? And everyone's still alive. I don't know why. Like, the planet's not a cinder. That is the best point

I've ever heard in my life. Em has the worst attitude considering how many times he's saved the world. They got the memory of the fly. She's always just like, oh, Bond,

why do you always have these crazy ideas that turn out to be so accurate? You're a violent sociopath. Yeah, that's right. And unlike some spies, he doesn't sleep

with his biographer. Am I right, everybody? Political. Oh. Yeah. Not everyone agrees that you were right. Most people do, but we're a divided nation.

I know he's a spy master, but whatever. Even if you like the movie, can we agree we need to get rid of the opening sequence where it's like, No, that was great. That's the part I like. But it didn't have the sexy ladies in it, though. There's no sexy ladies. So why do we have to sit there for three minutes? It's like watching the end credits first.

I like looking at blood anemones. And also that first scene, isn't it like 27 minutes before they finally get to the credits? And 70 minutes I read somewhere before Javier Bardem shows up in the movie.

The villain is introduced 70 minutes in. And that's excessive. There was a full-on ad for T-Mobile right in the middle of the movie. That girl on the motorcycle shows up. She does? Nice motorcycle. And then she and James Bond have a discussion

about T-Mobile plans and rates. That goes on for, I swear to God, what felt like 15 minutes. Oh, I wish the Sprint guy showed up and just went, can you hear me now? But like said it differently. So it was like more for a movie. Can I say a legitimate complaint I had with Skyfall was that the jokes in the movie are really not funny.

No, yeah, they're bad. Like really not funny. And they try to do some classic James Bond like double entendres that don't work at all. And then there was one where there's a scene where James Bond has a fight in some water. And then he gets out of the water. Spoiler, he wins the fight. And then, so he shows up and somebody says, what took you so long?

And he goes, I got into some deep water. As if it's a play on words, which it is not. No. That's not an expression. Yeah. Where were you? Up to my ankles in water. I'm a pretty clever

sophisticated character. I was having an underwater fist fight if you know what I mean. Even if he said I was making waves. You know, that's something.

That's lame but at least it's a play on something. I don't think it was lame at all. The car chase where the girl knocks the,

she knocks her left side view mirror off and Jay's like, well you were, yeah, yeah, yeah, you weren't using that anyway and then,

That's as clever as it got. And then, and then she intentionally knocks off the other one for, just for a laugh in the middle of a life and death Jay scene.

Let me ask you, did the rest of the audience laugh during, I was in the water and you weren't gonna use that anyway? No, no, they didn't laugh.

Oh, okay, so it's bad. There were a couple people that laughed at me. Too hard. That's who we eat in Armageddon. But it was like the laughter had an instant drop off when they realized they should not have laughed.

I'm alone on this. They went, oh. Honey, don't laugh at bad jokes. It's just me. It was also the end where. I sat in a spotlight during the movie. Facing the audience. Wait, wait, wait.

Carl Jensen, everybody. With a sign that said I'm a comedian. Carl Jensen has something to say. Our esteemed guest. Listen, we're almost out of time. I got to introduce Pete Holmes. Pete Holmes, everybody. Pete Holmes, yeah.

Nice pull, Carl. I'll be here for you, Carl. Tell us the story. I'm not here for you anymore, Carl. I love a Carl with a K Carl with a C Where's that goddamn car horn Alright so Carl

What were you going to say Carl with a K, Carl Spadler, Caddyshack That's a movie and a character that I know And you won the game Well done Jen I was also going to mention Pete I'm talking to you Hey Carl

At the end it was basically turned into Home Alone Well done, Jen. I was also going to mention Pete. Oh. I'm talking to you. Hey, Carl. How? At the end, it was basically turned into Home Alone. Which movie? Where, in Skyfall, where he's like, they're booby-trapping the house. Oh, I hated it so much. I hated the whole movie. I have no argument other than it didn't do it for me at all.

It was home, the ending is Home Alone meets Straw Dogs. Yeah, it was stupid. It was stupid. Hey, old man, wake up from your nap. We have to kill the helicopter. Okay, fuck you. Fuck this waste of time. There's a secret tunnel.

Will that come into play? Fuck you. Judy Dench, fuck you. It is pretty amazingly consistent how the gadgets that Q gives to Bond are exactly the gadgets that will help him. He should have the wrong fucking gadget in one

movie. Like, well, this didn't really help at all. This ejector seat didn't come in handy because the bad guy's sitting behind me. The one gadget that he had in the movie was stupid, and when he used it, it was stupid, and it was stupid. And the villain wasn't bad enough. What did he do that was that bad? Have

excellent taste in clothing? Fuck that movie. You thought that was excellent taste? You look great. That outfit? You like that? Javier Bardem? Yeah. I think we should go to Orvieto. Not bad. Oh, I saw... We drank some water. I saw Eat, Pray, Love on a

plane. That's another movie I saw. And my friend saw 28 Hotels. She said it's really good. So that's a movie you should see. She's Lady Me. Where's her car? I don't want no motherfucking eating or praying. Or what's the third one?

Love. You could do that on a plane. That's all you seem to do. Right? Zeppelin. Eating, praying, loving. Oh, she's just a woman. We could drink some water.

Is that right? Why am I bothering? I don't know. Perhaps the three of us could make love. I just want to sing Led Zeppelin songs now. I find you very beautiful. Who is that? I'm trying to do Javier Bardem.

It sounds like Dracula. What if he's... Actually, it sounds like Count Chocula. Would you like to hang out with my friend Yummy Mummy? Yummy Mummy? Who pulls Yummy Mummy? Nobody. That's why you have me back.

Booberry or Frankenberry? Booberry is too hack. Yummy Mummy. Yummy Mummy was available for like two weekends in New Hampshire only. Hey guys, what about Fruit Brute? References. We go to Orvieto. Maybe the three of us

make love. What if he is a terrible actor in his native tongue? What if he's only a great actor in English? Maria Elena, please. That's a high possibility. It's a high possibility?

Yeah, I feel like some people just do it better. Forget it. I don't know. Fuck that movie. I want to win this fucking thing today. Some people do. Jason Bourne is so much better than James Bond.

You were singing The Spy Who Loved Me, which is a James Bond song. That's right. The most shoehorned lyric in all of... It makes no sense with the rest of the song. Standing above me, the spy who loved me... It makes no sense with the rest of the song. Standing above me, the spy who loved me... It makes no sense. ...is keeping all my secrets

safe tonight. It's done. Nobody does it. Can I tell you a funny joke you can tell if you see the movie Argo? This will work. Let's go down...

This is exactly what we need on this show. Let's go down the line and we'll all do our Argo jokes. Okay, Carl, you can go last. Perfect. Pete, Argo joke.

Go. I'm saying if you see Argo at the end of the movie, I'm not going to tell you what's happening, but they're on a plane. It is based on a true story that everyone knows the ending.

There's spoiler rules that you can spoil movies based on. Where are my history buffs at? You know how this goes. So you go and sit through what I thought was a boring movie called Argo. And then, I know, it's okay. It's okay if you like it. And then they're on the plane. Very generous.

Yeah, thank you. I'm here to decree. You have my permission to enjoy it. As long as you die soon. I just want people

to know that I understand how I can't wait for The Hobbit. I'm already mad at everyone who wants to see it. You'll love it.

No, I know. I don't like that kind of stuff either, but you'll love it. No, I don't like Harry Potter. I don't like The Hobbit. I don't like swords.

I don't like wizards. I have a but you'll love it. No, I don't like Harry Potter. I don't like Hobbit. I don't like swords. I don't like wizards. I have a movie story related to Jed Kirkman. Me? No. Earlier in our friendship, we were going to go to a movie together, and I was running through the list of movies, and one of them, I think,

was the first Lord of the Rings movie, maybe, and you went, ugh, nothing with swords. You're so specific. Yeah, I don't like that stuff. You know what's a deal breaker stuff at least I'm consistent right laser fights with wizards shooting beams of differing

that one hurts more than that I can't that's why I don't like Harry Potter where they're like blue lazam red lazam this is all bullshit fucking end it end it now I don't mean to be so bitter so you see Argo they're on a plane.

This will get a laugh. You go on a date. Okay. Maybe take it easy. Wait. Are you on a date on a plane? No, no, no. They're on a plane. This is an expensive date. You're Jen Kirkman. You're watching Eat, Pray, Love on a plane. Turn to the man you're next to. Assume it's a date. Then you're on a date. Then it's cheaper.

Go on a date to see Argo for this purpose only. Wait a second. At the end of the movie, I'm almost home. At the end of the movie when they're all on the plane, just go, middle seat. I mean, that's the best joke you're going to get.

And then this is me later on the phone with my friend. It was funny when he said it, but it's just the shout-out in a movie. It's like, so I have to see him again to know if he's funny or crazy. I don't know. Fucking, why am I dating comics? And he said it like he had said it on other dates before.

Like, he was too perfect. You know what I mean? What did he say? He said, middle seat. I know it's funny. It's funny. It's funny. It's funny. It's funny.

He does a pretty good Javier Bardem. Carhorn, please. Or what about just if you're watching the trailer for Flight during when the plane is plummeting, you can just go, middle seat! All this and a middle seat! Or you go, I know I agreed to the exit row stuff before,

but forget it. I'm going to open that door and get the hell out. That's my plan. Don't tell the stewardesses or flight attendants if they prefer to be called that. Does anybody hunger for games? Yeah. Let's do it.

Stop looking at my things Batman shouldn't fight crime in the day That's all I want to say Okay You're on the record It's official I asked Carl Jensen, our special guest today What his favorite game is

Of all the other games we play besides Leonard Maltin And he said build a title So let's play a round of that, and we'll let you go first, Carl, and then from Carl we'll go to Jen. Because she's great at this. She's already having a

meltdown. What if I go first and I get... I can't even think of anything. You just say a word, the next word, and build on it, right? I know how to play it. No, I don't. Hey, Carl, if you want to kill and replace somebody in comedy, Nick Thune is the one. Yeah. You have a real Nick Thune thing going on.

Very Thune-esque. Thune. Thune. I played this in Seattle. Did I? Not. I don't know. Oh, this is like a riddle.

Who am I? You are Jen Kirkman. We got fucking Yoda on the panel all of a sudden That's from a movie called Star Wars I did Saw it in the theater Star Wars was the last movie you saw in a theater? No but I did see it in the theater

For anyone who wants to come at me You know what always takes me out of that scene Is the tiny thing of soup that he's making Yoda's making that tiny Not the rubbery puppet voiced by Grover? No, no, no, I'm fine with that. I heard he's a child molester. That's Elmo.

What? Grover is a child molester. Is he? No. Elmo. It's Elmo. Don't besmirch the good name of Grover, sir. He taught us the difference between near and far.

I love that. I love that. It's Elmo. It was Elmo. Like very matter-of-factly. No, it was Elmo molesting people. The guy from the documentary is a child molester? No, accused and also cleared already, I think. He did fuck someone who was 16 or something like that.

It was a real tempest in a teacup. Basically, if it was Shakespearean times, it would have been fine. If it was Shakespeare times, it would be fine. People were already pregnant on their second child by 13, but now it's like, you can't fuck a 16-year-old. In Shakespeare times, if you had an Elmo, they would have burned you.

Laser. Okay, I'm ready to play. Hashtag laser. I'm just saying, it's not enough soup for Luke He's been doing backflips in the swamp It's like thanks a lot for your Fucking two leaves Two leaves in a fucking

Thin clear broth You know how much fucking concentration This four shit takes And it's really nice A lot of headroom And you're fucking hot What is this a stone igloo? Fuck you.

At my giant sausage suggested. Is this from Jen's book? Laser. On a roll. Try Javier now. You go. Would you like to go for a weekend in Oviedo? I would love to take you.

Oviedo, I will take you. I find it very beautiful. The three of us, let's just go there, and we will make love for the entire weekend in Oviedo. Perhaps I could take off your panties. Just in a way that... Yeah, then at the second part of the date, he just started seeming like he was going to make out

with some guy at the end of the table. The starting title, Carl, is Friday After Next. Friday After Next. Oh, sorry. And you're not next, Pete. No, you're not next. What about next Friday After Next?

Wait, Friday After Next. Isn't the second one called Next Friday? So you want to go Friday after next Friday. But can't it be next Friday after next? Because the movie's not... Oh, yeah. I can't build backwards.

Yeah. It checks out, Doug. The kid's story checks out. It does check out. It does work. Why did we both think that was wrong? Because I pre-assumed that someone would say after next Friday. I know a place we could listen to Spanish guitar.

So we have next Friday after next. So Jen needs a movie that ends with next or begins with next. Oh, shit! Because if it was going to be Friday, I would have said Friday the 13th, but I can't. So I'll say... Is next stop a movie?

You'll say you're out. Paul? Next Friday after next... stop. I think that's a movie. Next stop. No, it isn't. Paul?

It's got to be one. Next? Next Friday after next... Friday? Yes. Oh, I didn't know you could do that. I didn't either, Jen. I was gonna.

Pete, you need one that ends in next or begins with Friday. Or day. Or day. Or begins with X'd. Or ends with X'd, I should say. That wouldn't work. Stop guessing movies, Jen. You got anything, Pete?

Yeah. Three, two, next Friday. The 13th. Okay, very good. You know what? All right, Carl. Don't bring that trash over here, Holmes. It begins with 13th.

I'm not some date that you brought to a show. 14th. Or ends with next. Next. Or neck would work. Neck? Yeah, next. Friday the 13th.

That might be the end of it. The H could be the anything. No, it can't Shut up This is my show, Doug Friday the 13th The day the earth stood still No

Friday Next Friday After next Friday The 13th Psychopaths. There were more. Really? No.

That's just 13 ghosts. No, but there was. So Carl's out. Jen's still out. We go to Paul. I was going to say the 13th wolf. You're still out. Don't say it.

13th wolf. Don't say anything. Why can't I say 13th wolf? That's funny. Okay, yeah, that's fun. Paul. That was funny.

13th wolf. 13th wolf.. That's funny. Okay, yeah, that's fun. Teenth Wolf. Teenth Wolf. That was very funny. I was worried you were going to say a real answer when it's on Paul now. Teenth Wolf. Teenth Wolf. It's not getting any less funny the more we say it.

I'm enjoying it more and more. You're a good friend. It is great. What would you add to 13th? Next Friday after next Friday, the 13th day? Isn't there a movie called The 13th Day? Audience?

Sure. Don't give me sure. I want to earn this. Sure. Worst fact checker. Who's in 13th Day? No, it's 13 Days. That's 13 Days, you sons of bitches.

Should have gone Teen Wolf. There must be a movie that ends in next. You're out. You know what that means. You're the one that said Friday the 13th, right? It is me. Yeah, yes, you win. Right.

By default. Yeah, let's just make it clear when people win by default, to be honest. I believe there was a motion picture called 13th Floor. Yeah, starring Craig Bierko, past and future guest. I am aware of the Mr. Bierko film. I couldn't even remember its first name. I just said it. I just said it.

But you win. You win. Yeah. So Pete gets to start off the Leonard Maltin game. And apologies to Comedy Bang Bang. Something I won't have to say much anymore. And to Craig Bierko. Why?

Oh, you didn't hear? Comedy Bang Bang is three weeks and out. Three weeks. Oh, the live show is no more. Bang Bang is three weeks and out. Three weeks. Oh, the live show's no more. Yeah. I got an email from Scott. I thought he just meant for the year. No, no.

That's it. You killed it, Pete. Congratulations. I wasn't on that email. Good job, Pete. Why are they doing that? You'll have to talk to Scott about that. He's just one person.

I don't know why he said they. Why is the Scott Aukerman Consortium doing this? That's what you sound like. My father only writes in Spanish. He feels learning another language would, how do you say, pollute. It's actually not bad. We should go watch it.

It's not that bad. Yeah, let's go watch it. That is not a bad Liam Neeson impression. Do you guys watch Walking Dead? I have a very specific set of skills. Fucking governor. I just keep thinking he's Liam Neeson. He is doing Liam Neeson's American accent.

Yeah, yeah. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. We got excited about it. TV. Hit the car horn. Let's play the Leonard Maltin game.

You guys need to pick name tags from the audience. Go get them. Physically get up. Pick a name tag you want to play for. There's Joe with some sort of action figure over there. We've got a young lady. Are you Asian?

She's got a face mask on with her name on on it. Trevin has a picture of Trevin holding a picture of Trevin holding a picture of Trevin. So that's some trippy shit. That's great.

Oh my god, it's real movie popcorn. Is it okay to eat? That's the same popcorn hobos eat. Did you just come from the cinema? What'd you see? Skyfall. Skyfall. You're just gonna really eat it?

I feel like people's dirty hands have been in it. Did anybody see Lincoln? I didn't see that. No? Oh, you know what my feeling is about Lincoln? Too much dench. There's not drugs in this, is there? Okay.

Yeah, AMC sells bags of popcorn drugs. No, I don't know if the kids put drugs in it as they do. But what's the name of the person you're playing for, Jennifer? Hobbit, I guess. What's your name, seriously? It's supposed to be a name tag. Gandalf. All right.

I'm playing for Gandalf. He says he's Gandalf. I'm trying to supposed to be a name tag. Gandalf. All right. I'm playing for Gandalf. He says he's Gandalf. Trying to keep an open mind. Hi, Gondorf. Who are you playing for, Paul? I'm playing for, I believe, Kate. And she has made this lovely poster, Planet of the Kates. And it's like a Planet of the It's poster, but she put herself in there.

It's like zealing. Nicely done, Kate. Who are you playing for, Carl? I'm playing for Lisa. And this is a turkey owl. It's a little turkey owl that has a name tag name. It says Lisa on it. It's one of the cuter name tags I've seen.

Next to Trevon. The best thing about this poster is if you look closely, he did it in pencil first. So he actually tried This isn't like phoning it in He went for it This was draft two He inked it

There's credits on the back Penciling by Trevin Ink by Stanley Whenever James Bond Fucks somebody like he's fighting crime Oh, Travon. Ink by Stan Lee. Whenever James Bond fucks somebody, like he's fighting crime, and then a minute later he's fucking them, am I the only one that's like,

where's the condom? Is it in his watch? I want to see where it is. Paul and I are starting our own podcast called Side Convo. We just made dinner plans. So we couldn't stop eating the popcorn. Oh, it's fun for no one else. This is what show business is like.

It's as glamorous as you think it is. I really want to win this and do well for The Hobbit. Just saying, Spider-Man is a daytime crime fighter. Oh my God, Pete, we had this conversation backstage. Oh, I'm sorry. You cannot reheat. 8-11, never forget. Moment of silence. What is it? It's 8-11. Oh shit, sorry.

I was there. Something happened to Jennifer on August 11th one year. August 11th. Like one guy tried to get the oh started and no one joined in. Nah, dude, that was not even on the line. That was fine.

That's just dumb. I'm not upset. I think when you're at the airport and you buy a combination of items. Wait, wait. This can't possibly be about movies or me. It's about 9-11. No, let's just put it this way.

That doesn't count. The greatest story ever told. It was like a movie, wasn No, let's just say it. That doesn't count. The greatest story ever told. It was like a movie, wasn't it? When we saw it on TV. Alright, Pete, you get to pick a category. That would have been the time for that guy. God, that was what sucked about 9-11. 9-11, there was only one movie

on TV that morning. I was flipping around. I was like, why is everybody showing the same movie? All right. It's Gerard Butler's birthday today. Hooray? Happy birthday. My sentiment's exactly.

How old is he? I don't know. This is cake. That's him, right? Thank you. Why is this your impressions workshop? I don't know. I can't stop. Why are you trying impressions for the first time?

This. It's not bad. That this is good. This is birthday. That's how Santa Mo killed itself because he can't take it anymore. She was just getting on her mark. There we go. Okay, it's Gerard Butler's birthday.

Pete, is the secret to doing impressions immediately saying, that's pretty good, right after you do it? Yeah. I know you're joking, but kind of. Ah, Marty, Jake and Watts, that's good! It was good. Didn't it feel good to try?

Since when do things have to be good to be fun? Yeah, you're right. At Kyle Petty, P-E-T-E-E, suggested Pig in a Blanket. And that's movies. Bless you, Jennifer. That's movies where Kevin Bacon has sex. Pig in a Blanket. Bless you again.

Are you allergic to movie trivia? I think so I think I'm allergic to dork shit Look at this Ever since I got this Hobbit bag Ever since you picked the Hobbit bag You picked it I know I'm just making a joke

And it's not even a name tag I don't know what these guys were fucking thinking Why does everyone take when I speak so seriously Like I'm like guest lecturer Jen Kirkman Everything I say Alright I have a Gollum impression You know what so seriously. I'm like guest lecturer Jen Kirkman. Everything I say. Alright. I have a Gollum impression. You know what? I bet it's

precious, but we're going to have to wait. We're going to have to hold. We've got to... Apologies to Comedy Bang Bang. At DKTAS Juicebox What kind of fucking name is that on Twitter? Suggested four more years.

And that's films that are a sequel that came out four years or more after the original. Oh, I'm going to run that category. Or Kevin Bacon having sex or Gerard Butler films. Which one would you like, Pete? Gerard Butler films. All right. I can only think of one.

I love your poker mouth. On the four more years one, if we had picked that, I bet Sherlock Holmes would have been a good one. But anyway. But we might do it later. Oh, sorry.

Is there four years between the two Sherlock Holmes? I don't know, but I feel like it's close. It's so hard to tell. It's all a game of shadows. All right, go ahead, go ahead. I just wanted to,

I wanted to win. I just can't deduce. Okay, we're having fun. You opened the corny joke drawer With Precious Now I want to play Precious was not in a corny joke drawer She was in a bigger drawer Alright, no high fives

There's no high fives in comedy High five denied That was one of the best jokes I've ever made in my life Pete had to go in the crowd like Leno to get his high five. Wow. Wow. That really hurt.

That really made my balls go into my body. It just occurred to me that he did that with the audience because other comedians stopped liking him. I'll get approval from these people. If not my peers. That is excellent. Get it where I can, you know. That was good, right?

Hey there, man. Maybe we go to Old Vieto, drink some wine. Talk to you about them. Let it melt gives us two and a half stars. Two stars. It's from 2008. And it's... Gerard Butler is in this movie.

Yep. And... What more do you need to know? Yeah, really. Goodbye. Leonard says Gerard Butler's character is a jack of all trades. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that can't help you at all. Is that stabbing and shielding? And then he also calls the movie a clever, intricate tapestry. Is there anything about abs? And Leonard lists 11 names, and we only have time

for one round tonight, so make it count. How many names do you think you can get it in? Pete Holmes. Dot com. We do the plugs at the end, but that's cool. I think I can get it In how many names? Out of 11 I think I can get it

In 9-11 names Oh I know right Pick one of those two numbers Okay I'll say I'll say I can't get it 11 names

Alright Paul Pete name that movie. You are a dick. You are a magical dick. You are a basket of dicks floating on the Nile. A basket

of abandoned dicks. After my precious riff, she's in a bigger drawer. This is how you treat me? A bastard in a basket. There we go. That was pretty good, right? That was a bigger drawer. This is how you treat me. A bastard in a basket. There we go. That was pretty good, right? That was a good one.

Okay, do the names. I hope one of them is the guy who played Magneto. A weird prophet lady who licked a girl. It's so consistent, the most disruptive people will look right at me and insist that I keep the game going right before they derail it further.

All right, here's your 11 names. Don't touch my paper. I'm not gonna. You're playing for Tris... Tris... Trevin. I play for Tris... No, you're playing for Triscuits.

We've got some Triscuits backstage. Ooh, that's a sharp cracker. Yeah, we will... Do you want to really feel what you're eating? Pete, put it back in the drawer. Put it in the drawer. I'll put it in the precious drawer. She's hungry.

All right. Here's your 11. It's not chicken. Here's your 11. Hey! Oh! That girl enjoyed a bucket of chicken. I'm not gonna say

otherwise, because I remember. Alright. Gerard Butler. Gerard. This isn't the repeat Gerard Butler's name game. This is, I give you the 11 names, then you don't name the movie,

we declare Paul the winner, and we're done. But what if I know the name of the movie? You have nothing more to do here than just eat popcorn and sneeze and worry about someone in the audience having a story. If he can't name the movie, so now we know Paul wins, can I say it so that people know that I know it?

Sure, that'll be fun. Okay, thank you. Because I feel like I don't know stuff, but I think I know this. Okay, I don we know Paul wins. Can I say it so that people know that I know it? Sure, that'll be fun. Okay, thank you. Because I feel like I don't know stuff, but I think I know this. Okay, I don't think you do. Alright. The 11 names are Jim Mystery. Oh!

Chris Ludacris Bridges. Luda? Luda. Move, bitch. Jeremy Piven. Is that what he sounds like? Nope. I know, I can't stop. Toby Kebbell. Carol Rodin.

Tom Hardy. Idris Elba. Mark Strong. I love Elba pasta. Sandy Newton. I'm just going to free associate because I'm not going to get it. It was terrible that no one would listen to that boy with this Hurricane Sandy coming. Sandy Newton.

Tom Wilkinson. And Gerard Butler. Name that movie. Pete Holmes. You have three seconds. That is the classic Gerard Butler. Name that movie. Pete Holmes. You have three seconds. That is the classic Gerard Butler movie called Scottish.

Because she can come get her prizes. Butler. Where are you at? There you are. What is it? I want to know what it is. Well, of course we've got to let Jen show off. I don't think it's this. Is it the bounty hunter?

Why is that funny? Wasn't he in that? Ludacris wasn't in the bounty hunter. Yes, but Jennifer Aniston would have probably been mentioned in the top 11 names. I did think she was in the bounty hunter, but I'm like, I'll just give it a whirl. Is it John Adams meets Ludacris? Carl, do you have a guess? No.

Smart play, smart play. It's a Guy Ritchie film called Rock and Rolla. Never heard of it. Guy Ritchie doesn't remember that movie. I remember that name. But congratulations, Paul F. Tompkins. You did it. I couldn't do it.

What was the Gerard Butler movie that came out last week? Pete, go. Last week? Yeah, last week. Bounty Hunter. Carl, go. Ghostbusters. Jennifer, go.

What was the question? The Hobbit. Gerard Butler movie that came out last week. 301. Or like two movie that came out last week. 301. Or like two weeks ago. Churling. Churfing. Churling for chard.

Shaving. Downton Abbey. Chasing Mavericks. Chasing Mavericks. And what's his new movie that's coming out in a couple of weeks? Gerard Butler,

Stop Making Sense. He does a shot for shot remake of the Talking Heads concert film. It's got the most generic, it's like playing for keeps. A Christmas channel. What about keeping for plays? Gerard Butler is on a crash course

with making things no one knows about even when they're happening. Even when they're out, no one knows about Gerard Butler movies. Oh, can I tell you about a movie I'm going to see next week? We're six minutes over. Go. Liz and Dick on Lifetime. I can't fucking wait for that.

Oh, yeah, that's going to be interesting. If anyone wants to come over. Did it have to be called Liz and Dick? Somebody quiet. Yes, it did. Elizabeth and Richard was taken. And also, that's what people called them. Did you say the name of the movie?

Liz and Dick. Oh, it's called Rock and Roll Have you ever been to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? It's over stylized and no one goes there It's a Guy Ritchie joke He kind of goes over the top Big moves, bold choices Then it's a play off the Cleveland Museum

There you go If you found out that was just a guy impersonating a car horn, all your impressions would look stupid. That guy does a horn. Michael Winslow is here? Hey, we need some shitheads. We need Trevin to come up here and write down his shithead. The Gandalf needs to come right down.

Look alive. Is there one on the back of this thing? Lisa? Yeah, just anywhere on there is fine. Trevin, thank you. Does Lisa want this back? Where's Lisa? Sorry, Trevin. Trevin, thank you. Does Lisa want this back? Where's Lisa? Sorry, Trevin.

Trevin, thank you for the popping corn. Here you go, Lisa. Oh, why don't I go fuck myself? What's happening? I thank Trevin for the popcorn

and his response to that was to turn his back to me and walk off the stage. My day, we have something called manners. I like your quote a lot.

Thanks, man. I would like to have it. Candle for Trevin. I just want something called manners. I like your coat a lot. Candle for Trevin. I just want to look at you people over here for a while. Hello, thank you for waving. It's always appreciated. Not required. Do you have any plugs, Paul? Any plugs? Plugs? What is this drop, Doug? Day or two from now.

I'm just going to keep on being great all the time. So look for that. Look for that in stores. You can digitally download that. Jen Kirkman, you got any road dates coming up or anything? Yeah, my Tumblr, jenkirkman.tumblr.com. But I'll be the headline in the Hollywood Improv this Saturday night, and then you can buy my book on Amazon.

Not the twernal, but it's called I Can Barely Take Care of Myself. Okay, thanks. Signing out. Carl Jensen, going back to, we didn't really ever talk to you. I apologize. That's fine. You're going back to Phoenix where you live. Yeah. How great was it going to be? He lived in Phoenix.

Thanks for picking me, even if you didn't. He did. Oh, he did. This is sincere. I have a twernel coming out. That's very funny. Nicely. Right?

Hashtag laser. So Pete, what do you want to say here at the end of the show? I want to say that I'll be at Helium in Portland and I'll be at Helium

in Philly and then I'll be at the Gramercy Theater in New York City on December 21st which is the day the world ends according to the Mayans. end of the show. I want to say that I'll be at Helium in Portland and I'll be at Helium in Philly and then I'll be at the Gramercy Theater in New York City on December 21st which is the day the world ends

according to the Mayans. So if you want to share the end of the world with me come see Stan. Aren't you playing Cobbs in San Francisco

soon too? Uh huh. December, November and then oh we're doing a live You Made It Weird that weekend as well. November 28th.

Fun times. And I'll be at the Miami Improv December 15th with Graham Elwood and all my dates are at Douglovesmovies.com and thanks again to Paul Tompkins

Jen Kirkman, Carl Jensen the fourth and Pete Holmes thanks Doug and as always Lord Sauron is a shithead he is a shithead always watching a shit Comedy Bang Bang is a shithead. He is a shithead. Always watching a shit.

Comedy Bang Bang is a... No, Comedy Bang Bang Ending. Oh, I'm sorry. Comedy Bang Bang Ending is a shithead. Yeah, and John Wilkes Booth is a poopyhead. That's true. Now it's time we're done to punch another Pocky.

He's a bold and viewing crowd with fake tits. Pocky, there's no room in his heart for you Cause Doug loves movies