Doug Loves Movies - Pete Holmes, Seth Herzog and Diamond Dallas Page guest

Episode Date: February 15, 2016

Live from the NerdMelt Showroom in LA, Doug welcomes comics Pete Holmes and Seth Herzog and professional wrestler Diamond Dallas Page to the show. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seeds with 50 acid pop or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, but Doug loves movies. Hey, hey, hey everybody. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. What, does anybody have the answer to this question? Why is it so crowded today? Are you all on Valentine's dates? So I guess I gotta remember to have a show every year on Valentine's Day,

because it's, my show is for lovers. Doug Lovers Movies. Oh, by the way, my name is Doug and I love movies. This is Doug Loves Movies. It was an interesting read. You might not get a call back. We'll see. Coming to you from one of our two LA homes, the Nerd Melt showroom

in the back of Meltdown Comics on Sunset Boulevard. As I said, it's Sunday, February 14th. Happy Valentine's Day everybody. Let me see those sweet candy covered name tags. Look at that.

Front row, a whole box of candy. I knew that was going to fucking happen. How could that not happen? We've got some good ones and you guys are all right up front and everything. That's amazing. You beat the LA Marathon traffic and got lined up inside

a comic book store we got wait a second what's it say instead of record oh it just says record okay doesn't the w look weird oh cuz there's a head covering it part of it okay wreck it Ralph and your name is wreck it it's Ralph? I didn't know that people named people that anymore. Ralph? Is it short for something? Like Ralphmund? Ralph Dolpho?

I give up. Stevie for Vendetta? And your name's Stevie? Stevie and Ralph. My favorite couple. No offense, Chelsea. What's going on with Greg Proops on that one over there? No, that's your face.

You got a Greg Proops face. And it says Doug and Otis because your name is Otis? Yes. Who meets anyone named Otis anymore? Unless an elevator is being repaired. Wait, why would Otis elevators, why would Otis himself come out and do the repairs? Well, thank you to everybody. Oh, there's a candy man, of course, with some Sour Patch Kids and other stuff stuck to it. I don't know how much of a sweet tooth my guests have, but good luck with that strategy, you guys.

Thank you for making all those name tags. Doug Plugs, Doug Loves Movies is back at the UCB Franklin here in Los Angeles this Friday, February 19th, 10.30pm. I've got a plan for that one. I've got an idea I want to try.

That should be a pretty fun show. Or a spectacular failure. And it'll be way past my bedtime. So it'll be sleepy, Doug. And we'll be back here next Sunday at 420 at the Nerd Melt showroom. And I've got shows coming up in New York City, San Jose, Washington, D.C. We just added there's going to be a Boise show and

oh, there was some... Atlanta. Atlanta. DouglasMovies.com for all the details and some of those details aren't even there yet, so sorry about that. Now it's time for tweet relief. Tweets about movies. SeanJohn1166 tweeted Roses are

facious lotion is for the skin you will be my valentine or it will get the hose again

I just thought that was so sweet that somebody came up with something like that for this special valentine's day

this has been tweet relief is she a great big fat person edition came up with something like that for this special Valentine's Day. This has been tweet relief. Is she a great big fat person edition? And then I wrote from the corrections department and then nothing. So either I forgot what I was supposed to correct or nothing was wrong on the last episode, which seems very hard to believe. Had to be some sort of muck up.

Let's see what's in the prize bag. We've got VHS tapes, of course. I'm unloading all of these. Gilmore Girls episode called Lorelai's First Day. So it starts with her coming out of the birth canal. Or it's a fantasy episode where she becomes president and on her first day she repeals and replaces Obamacare. Or, not or, you're going to win both of these.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, an episode called Out of My Mind. I don't even remember that one. Because I was crazy at the time. I told you you wouldn't be able to not talk. Alright. I was on. I taped already Not Safe with Nikki Glaser and it's going to air next Tuesday on Comedy

Central at 1030. It's me and Ron Funches and Nikki Glaser's the host. And they give you a backpack full of sex stuff. Because the show's all about sex. And one of the things that I just don't have time for is the sex position coloring book. Play time for couples.

And then a nice assortment of colored pencils. I don't know why it's all sex positions, so I don't know why when purple and blue and red are going to come into play. Seems weird. I saw Deadpool at the Arclight the other night, and they had cool coasters that say Deadpool on them, so I grabbed a huge stack of those,

and we'll be giving those out for weeks and weeks. Oh, what's this CD here? DJ Slim presents Hemp Hits. So all your favorite hemp hits all on one CD. Bob and Tom CD and oh a blank card that you could send to someone that's made out of recycled paper or something from the Traverse City Film Festival. And then I don't even know, I'm not, this is like, there was a cartoon called Generation O, and I guess there was a band on it.

So it's three songs by the band from the cartoon that I don't remember, and you guys are clearly fired up about. All of that is in the prize bag today, in addition to whatever my guests brought, if they brought stuff, because I think the communications weren't good in that regard. Please give a big, warm Valentine's Day welcome

to Seth Herzog, Pete Holmes, and Diamond Dallas Page. We did it. We did it, guys. I just beat Pete Holmes in the Pete Holmes Award for speaking on the mic first. We also sat next to Doug. I don't like that at all. Hi, everybody. I understand this Doug fella likes movies.

I think this podcast is called Doug Likes Movies. I like that Pete Holmes just came second in the Pete Holmes game. Yeah, that was my goal. I don't like it. So that means we're going to talk to the third panelist first. First time guest. Very excited to have him.

It's Diamond Dallas Page, you guys. Diamond Dallas Page, you guys. Diamond Dallas Page. Yeah. A second announcement. Tell us, Pete, tell us some facts about Diamond Dallas Page and his wrestling career. Diamond Dallas Page is a wrestler. Not anymore.

He was a former wrestler, but you know, you can take the wrestle out of the boy, but you can't put the boy in a match with a man. That is unfair. He's got the best win-loss record in WCW history. I understand that. Yeah, that's a pretty good credit.

He has no idea who the fuck I am. No! No, I do. You're the penultimate warrior. You were the one after him. That was a pretty good rip. You were in the movie Enlightened Up, weren't you? Yeah, I was.

Yes, I saw a movie about yoga. Wow. Get the fuck out of my face. Of course I watched every movie about yoga. He was excited and you got defensive. No, no, no. I'm only teasing for fun. He understands excited and you got defensive. No, no, no. I'm only teasing for fun. He understands a good ruse.

I will destroy you, see? Right. Yeah, he might accidentally drop you on your head, though. Oh, believe me, I get it. The injuries. I've seen the wrestler. I understand the physical prowess and the real danger. I would never be a fool.

You can't fake gravity, you know? Yeah, right? Tell that to Sandra Bullock. So first of all, DDP is what people call you? They did fake gravity. Call me Dallas, Diamond, DDP, whatever you feel, I'm good.

Which one? Diamond or Dallas? Either one. Dealer's choice? Take a pick. I love it. I'll call you a different thing every time. Cool, go for it.

Yeah, I will, Mr. Page. Just don't call me asshole. Got a real problem with that. Don't call me late for supper. Is asshole the one you don't like? No, I don't give a fuck. That's his trigger word. Oh my God, he just elbowed Pete Holmes.

This is perfect. Pete Holmes is down. Pete Holmes is down. Pete Holmes is down. I'm so glad Pete Holmes is sitting next to Diamond Dallas Page. I will turn you into blood, Diamond Dallas Page. Have you heard that one before? No, not really. I love that he said not really, like someone once tried to say.

Let me ask you this, Diamond Dallas 40. North Diamond Dallas 40. Do you think you've gotten a concussion ever from being in the ring? To tell the truth, no, you motherfucker! You motherfucker! I didn't know, I didn't know! You were opening your own window

so you could go through it. I thought you were opening it for me. It's a huge excuse every time. I didn't know. Every time he's being arrested, I did not know. You're dealing with people that own a day of the week.

Lesser known line. It was in the ad. It's a pretty well-known line. Thank you, Seth. Albert Brooks from Concussion. Well, let's meet our other... Do you still want to know the answer to that question? Yeah, you probably do.

Oh, I was just... Yeah, you can answer it if you want. To be real, like, when I would get knocked out, the first thing I would look to see if there was a red light, which told me that, oh, fuck, the cameras are on. And I have no idea where the hell I am in that match. That makes me afraid. Yeah, me too. What does this do?

Oh, this is my headset. Does it play music? It's also retractable. I like that. I wish I had that for my NES controllers. Doug, I got a super NES. I bet you you could get those if you wanted them, Pete. You probably could.

Yeah. Let me introduce these two other fellas that are up here. Pete Holmes is back, everybody. We couldn't tell. Yeah, no one probably noticed that that church mouse of a man... I'm a teat mouse, sir. I almost said that, but I thought. Yeah, no.

Church mouse sounds weird. A church mouse can be a teat mouse. But regardless of the varietal of mouse, if you're in a church, you become a church mouse. That's true. No matter what kind of mouse you are? Unless you're a Jewish mouse. Well, there are no Jew mouse allowed in a church. What's him saying? Well, what if you wander in by accident?

You're smelling the food. You want to nosh. If you make them a tiny yarmulke, I think they're allowed. A tiny yarmulke, yeah. Just a little snow cap with the white parts taken off? Mm-hmm. I do a lot of non-Perell humor. Doug, for the gift bag.

There's no equal to Pete's humor. Let's say hi first to Seth Herzog. Yeah, hello, everybody. Yeah. Very nice smattering of applause. Thank you very much. Seth's visiting us from New York for a little bit. And he helped make one of my dreams come true last night.

No further questions. No questions have been asked. There had been nary one question. No starting of questions. Whatever you're thinking is real. He got me into the roots when they're out here doing Jimmy Fallon. They do this jam in a small club called Cafe Hotel. Oh, that's great.

You gotta stay in touch with your Roots. I gotta. The whole crew. So I went and watched that. Thank you. There's lots of great special guests and stuff. But I mostly wanted to meet Questlove. When he saw me, he was excited to meet me.

He went nuts that you were in the room. Yeah, it was super awesome. You can't pat your back as much as I could. But Lenny Kravitz had just performed on Crates, and George Clinton went nuts. The show had finished. Wait, George Clinton was in the audience? No, on stage.

They all did guest appearances they all performed I thought he went nuts for Lenny no well he did but after okay just be clear

because I'm paying attention so then Quest comes down and sees Doug Benson and he goes oh my god Doug Benson just goes nuts thanks that was it

that was the whole that was the whole story it sounded like you were really gonna make it big. Nope. Pretty much just longer version of what I said. But it was a delightful time.

And thank you for hooking me up with that. And thank you also for sometimes the guests for various reasons. Today, of course, with Seth, it's Valentine's Day. You have a lady. My wife is here. She's here. Hi. My wife. My wife, yeah. Bor wife is here. You had it. She's here. Hi, my wife. My wife, yeah.

And you had... Borat's here. And she's over there, too. Someone's going to beat me to every one of my bits today. And who hungers for games? I don't... That's not how it...

That's not a bit. He doesn't do that bit. He does that bit. He does that bit. Who here hungers for games? No, that's not... That's not the... I'm going to need the exact wording on that. do that bit. He does that bit. He does that bit. Who here hungers for games? That's not the one. I'm going to need the exact wording on that.

Who has an appetite for festivities? Come forth if you like to punch thine beak in games and merriment. I've listened to this TV show. See, I'm looking for the red light. I don't know where I am right now. It's pretty obvious.

So yeah, so Seth came over here. It's crazy ass traffic. Hollywood traffic. You texted me. I'm stuck on Highland. I was stuck on Highland. And I'm like, I don't know why you stayed on Highland for any,

any more time. Cause it goes North and South. And this street goes East and West. I know. I was going to just sit at the Hollywood bowl for a while. Got over there. So, Oh,

you were, Oh, you were up there. Okay. I was, I was up there coming, coming South. Yeah.

Fair enough. So I'll teach you a shortcut. When you're coming down high, Why were you at the Hollywood Bowl when there wasn't a show there? Were you on a date with Eric Stoltz? Hi. Four people got that joke. Pete, you are some kind of wonderful.

Thank you. Yes. Sethree, what you need to remember is there's the live audience and then there's the at-home audience ripping huge bong hits and laughing whenever i speak that was the most overconfident thing anyone's ever said i'm very hard

at least he made sure that the listeners were impaired before laughing at everything he says sure that the listeners were impaired before laughing at everything he says. Bong rip laughter. So Seth did not bring something for the prize bag. But I went and bought something. You went to the comic book store here. $5 mystery. Meltdown Comics. So we don't

know what it is. It could be something amazing. You could have bought a foot long sandwich. I could have bought a sub. No one would have wanted that. And also, hey big spender, what about a $10 mystery? They didn't have them. Buy two $5 ones. Okay, let me tell you something.

That sounded like DDP just jumped in and yelled at him. Buy more of them. I think you have a gentle heart. I can sense your essence, and you're a lamb, sir. Oh, there's a lot of them. There's a Big Trouble in Little China. That's good. Comic.

Looks pretty good. A Good Day. God is Dead. God is Dead. Is this the first time you've read? That is a great way to go. Fire, Firestarter. To go through life. No, it's Starfire. It's the first time you've read? That is a great way to go. Fire starter? To go through life.

No, it's Starfire. Oh, you almost said fire starter again. Superwoman, Wonder Woman, Injustice. What, is he rape her? What is that going on there? That's erotic fan fiction of Superman and Wonder Woman. Oh, no. I'm going to keep that one.

You know what? She uses her bracelets to deflect his sperms as they come at her. Yikes. Yes. And Towering Inferno. Oh, no. I think it's just Inferno. Just Inferno.

But if there was a Towering Inferno, that would be very good. So all of that's in the $5 bag. All of that in the $5 bag. Pete's got a joke. Pete's got a joke. I had riffs. Is it too late? Every issue you had, I had riffs.

Well, I have issues with you having so many riffs. As Nietzsche said, good day. And then I leave. Oh, mercy. Did you ever get in a ring with Nietzsche, Diamond Dallas Page? No. Who's the closest you ever come to killing? Like, do you ever kill the guy?

No. You ever miss your daughter's birthday because you can't get your life together even though you're great in the ring? No. I take back what I said about the lamb quality. All right, what do you got for the prize bag, Pete? Something that there's only one of, and I made it.

And you can see it's a spoon, of course. But on the front, I've drawn a man smoking a doobie. And that's because I wrote on the back, it's Doug Ben Spoon. The people at home are dying right now. Take another rip, you guys. And they can't even

see it. I like the drawing. The drawing on the inside's cute. You got a little face in there. And there's smoking a doobie. That's funny. I would consider that the outside. Do you remember... The inside? The outside? Diamonds are forever. Do you remember... The inside of the outside? Diamonds are forever. Do you remember...

Inside the inside. When they used to, like, wrestlers used to sneak a spoon into the ring and try to, you know, scoop out a guy's eye with the spoon? You mean use the foreign object to reach down and grab out? It was never really a spoon. A fork. Oh, okay. A fork.

I remember a guy using a spoon once, but I was a child, so maybe I didn't know the difference. I didn't know the difference. But yeah, that died a long time ago. The guy's trying to sneak things into the ring to sharp objects. It still comes back when you need it. It does? When you need it?

Did you just say when you need it? When you need it. It's there in a pinch. Certain matches. A little old school, you know? You keep it in your drawers? Yeah. That'd be fun to go to dinner afterwards and you're like, I brought my own.

Ooh, musky. Not mesquite, musky. Mesquite. Mesquite? Yeah. And then Wonder Woman dodges Muskeet. Okay. I tried DSN your bit.

Part of the reason that Turn the Page is here is because... I'm going to run out of these pretty soon. You have a... You're featured in a new documentary called The Resurrection of Jake the Snake about Jake the Snake Robertsberts yes how much are you in it is it's about him but you're in it a little bit or a lot if you know the story of

jake roberts if you know who jake roberts is say i i'm sure this crowd yeah exactly if you know jake went for serious like not just some casual hooch or drinking casually jake went off and just went into the abyss and that ain't funny because it's all about you know coke crack like his whole career was over he was banned for the wwe i don't know 16 17 years and he's the guy who helped me in my career like i didn't start wrestling i was 35. I could I could start now. No Yeah right now go Bottom line is my career didn't take off with I was 40 years old and The only reason I did as good as I did was because Jake Roberts took me under his wing and he taught me a shitload

He was Liam Neeson to your christian bill just say yes you're in a comic book shop say yes thank you i'm here for you thank you the bottom line is i always wanted to help him because i i was lucky i made a lot of money and i wanted to always pay him back and he was pretty much at the end of his track when I got a hold of him about three and a half years ago and I brought him to my house and you know he lost a lot of weight because he was so it bloomed up but he also was brittle he couldn't go from standing to the ground and back up again and we took a journey that I originally called it when I said Jake I was wanting to see

you walk away from the program with your head held high. You know, like walk away from our business. Not high. Not high. I was trying to get to the other side of high. Thank you. The name of my book. Held Hell, Trying to Get to the Other Side of High.

Thank you. Other Side of High. All right. Bids aren't working. The the bottom line is when we started this journey one of my buddies moser he's a com he's a comedian here in town and he said holy shit dude you're gonna actually try to turn jake roberts life around which was really dark he said that could be the resurrection of jake the snake i, that's the name of the movie. Never knowing where it was going to go. We premiered at Slamdance last year. We're the first film that Slamdance

actually took on the tour and put Slamdance Presents. And right now, we just were on a month on iTunes. We did exclusive there. And we had, last time I i looked it was 280 reviews 275 were five star reviews which you know that's pretty hard to do on that yeah those other five guys are dead god damn it doug so close you pulled it out i was gonna say are you on a man hunt for those other five men only the scumbag who put one. That's fine, man. There was a one-star giving motherfucker? Yeah. You know how that goes. Who's going to resurrect him?

Hey, honey, I'm on the show right now, and we're live. Everybody say hello, Brenda. Hey, Brenda. Hey, Brenda. Okay, I gotta go. Love you. Bye. How do we know anyone was on the phone? Listen, Dallas.

I'm at the hospital. I saw it. I saw it. This shirt is a phone. How dare you? Everyone say hi to my mom right now. I got to go. We're live.

I got to go. Hey, look. She's calling back. She's calling back. She's calling back. There's your proof. It might be important. Why don't you talk to her?

Hey, honey, you're on the show. What's up? Oh, I wanted to let you know I have my wallet. Awesome. He's married to a mental patient. How long back? She calls him all day long. I want you to know I ate grapefruit.

Don't. So the wallet was lost. So what happened was the wallet went into a black hole and we're leaving the wallet. And now we know what gravity is. Honey, just calling to let you know I took a number two.

You say that because you're over there. No, to her it's... What if he works his way to you? You say that because you're over there. No, to her it's yoga. What if he works his way to you? I'm going to be like chicken bones and random slaps of flesh. I'll be screaming, think of your yoga. Right? You do yoga, don't you?

DDP yoga. What's it called? DDP yoga. All right. But essentially it's a basic flow yoga, you know, to center your chakra. Okay. It's called DDP yoga.

You should go to DDP. And tagline what? It ain't yo mama's yoga. Yeah. He's wearing the DDP yoga shirt. I'm aware. I saw the yoga movie. You know what you give me, Pete?

You give me time to think. You know, things like, what is Pete doing here again? No, so I went through, a publicist is why you're here today, because a publicist reached out about the next phase of this movie and wanting people to go see it.

And I was psyched about the idea of having you on the show. But did the message get passed along that we have this prize bag that we put stuff into? I brought Pete. Oh, okay. Get in the bag, Pete. Get in the bag. I'm the prize.

I'm the prize. I'm going to live for two months with whoever wins. I don't know if that's a prize. I don't sleep, and all I eat is Eggos. Let go, Pete. Let go. I want to see that movie. Give me the private video. Do you have like your headphones or your sunglasses?

No, I'll give someone the DVD. I did not know that. A movie or the film. But I will give the DVD that's coming out in a month. Yeah, he will text out your address. And I'll get you a private screener. So you get both. Boom, boom, boom. Get The Resurrection and Jake the Snake.

And I will make sure you get a DVD on top of that. Boom. Boom. Boom. All right. Yeah, so after the show, just hang out for a second, and the winner will come over and, I guess, give you their email. Yeah, I'll take care of it.

I'll take care of it. Yeah, awesome. Let me say one thing here, because I don't remember exactly how he said it, but you're all movie fans here, and I just got to give you a review that came from Josh Brolin. I know your code. You cannot hurt me or I will tell people your code.

You can now call his wife. I know she has wallets. Many wallets. You've got a lot of activity. What he wrote at the end was said, a great story of hope, love, and real compassion. So whoever gets that, gets the prize, gets it right there for free.

The hope. I can't believe one of the Goonies said that about your movie. How do you know Josh Brolin? Where'd you run into him well i didn't uh the executive producer uh chris bell uh one of the executive producers on the show um or the movie uh he did bigger stronger faster he just did a whole thing on uh pills he's a really good director he uh and he made an entire movie on pills yes abuse of pills. Bigger, stronger, faster was all about friggin' steroids and getting bigger and stronger and faster.

I just, for the listeners at home, I grabbed Doug's microphone. Pete took me out of play for a moment there. I'm tired of being beaten to the well of bits. I was going to say, what did he make on pills? Same sort of joke. Fill in the blank. Stayed up all night doing origami.

Different drugs, different things. Do you get to the movies very often? Yeah, I tried it. I tried it. I'm a big fan of that Martian movie that came out. Yeah, you like that? Yeah, I thought he did a hell of a job. I could see him winning.

Can we stop going, the science checks out? Who said that and why did they say it in that voice? Everyone. Do you see the Martian? It's phenomenal. The science checks out. Every tweet Pete reads sounds like that in his head. Did you have a conversation with Edith Bunker

about the science of the mushroom? Oh, Archie! I checked the science. I'd just like to say, now and forever, who gives a hot shit? Unless I'm stranded on Mars, I don't give a fuck. Right, right. You're going to be stranded on Mars.

You're not going to go, well, time to harvest my own shit. Exactly. Or whatever he did. And stop trying to teach me. I'm just teasing. It's fun that the science checks out. But not exactly a comedy,

was it, Doug? No, sir. Yeah. Kind of a downer, really. But they, you know, they pulled a tricky move and it worked at the Golden Globes

calling it a comedy. Good Globes. And, uh, huh? You can call it Good Globes. Good Globes. And, um, what was the last movie you saw, Pete? What's out there? I'll tell you if I saw it. You saw The Revenant.

I didn't see it. Ride Along 2. You know why? It looks cold. I don't want to be cold. I don't like watching movies where I'm like, he looks cold. I'm cold! I also don't want to be cold. I don't like watching movies where I'm like, he looks cold. I'm cold.

I also don't want to watch movies where everyone's eating because I'm like, that looks good. From now on, I'm changing the format whenever you're on, and the question is, what movies haven't you seen? And I'll tell you why I won't see it. I saw, what's in the theaters now? Zoolander 2? No.

Ride Along 2? Too soon. No. Also too soon. Out of Africa? Don't make up movies. That's a real movie. It's from 85.

Aren't we all out of Africa? Did you see Deadpool? I didn't see Deadpool. Your friend is in it. Your bestie's in it. Yeah, Deadpool, get down! He doesn't yell much. He plays kind of a calm character. Yeah. He doesn't raise his voice, but he's really good.

TJ's, he's changed, man. He's not as wild. Calm down. I'm just kidding. He's got glasses and a haircut that I'm hoping was a Yeah! He's got glasses and a haircut that I'm hoping was a wig so you didn't have

to look that throughout production. That's a very specific burn. I feel like I have seen movies. I just can't remember anything.

I saw Carol and that was alright. Yeah. It's weird watching Not enough Christmas songs in it for my taste. I really went

expecting it to be about lesbians knocking on doors. Singing carols. Silent night. Lesbian sex. You know, that's what I had. Alright, Pete,

we're gonna move on now. No, ask me, what's the last movie you saw and I'll tell you if I saw it. We already had that conversation. Deadpool.

You saw Deadpool? I did see it, yes. Something that we haven't discussed. That I just saw? What's another movie? I saw all of the Oscar-nominated shorts. Live action and animated. Yeah, there's two sessions you have to go through.

That's just like a complicated way of telling me you're going through a breakup. That's just code for my heart has been hurt. I saw all the Oscar-nominated shorts, live action and animated. She's gone! I went this morning, and the place was packed with all adults.

No children. They're all trying to cheat on their Oscar pools. And their wives. In the theater. That's what movie theaters are. They're like bathhouses in Greece. Everyone hooks up at the animated shorts. It's only short for the beginning.

There's some good work being done in both live action and animated shorts. Yeah, it's only short for the beginning. There's some good work being done in both live action and animated shorts, and they, you know, pardon the expression, they get short shrift, so I wanted to see them all this year and have more of an opinion. I had seen one of the animated shorts at a festival and loved it, so

I knew I'd get to see that again. It's called The World of Tomorrow. And it's, yeah, it's really great. Like 17 minutes short. So it's probably out of your attention span, Pete. But it's really... Nothing... And good night.

Oh, Jesus Christ. For the listeners, Pete's really going for the face laughs. And Seth, what about you? The Martian, I think, was the last thing I saw. The last movie you saw was The Martian that came out in October. I know, but I just saw it on the DVDs. You didn't see The Force Awakens?

No. What? I have not awakened yet. I will show you out, sir. DDP. Let me take off my mask first. I don't even get that.

Well, I'm going to tell you who. No. Well, I already know. He probably already knows the big spoiler. Princess Leia's a lot older now. Yeah, Princess. Doesn't wear the bikini again. She really let herself go no I

I sort of I know the big the big spoiler you should now say I was just kidding about what I said I was kidding about what I said

yeah he's seen Force Awakens I'm also I'm also a publicist people aren't gonna like what you said oh really so you should

backtrack and be like she's great she's the best she's so funny on Twitter. Oh, just a woman's value isn't derived from her body. A woman's value isn't derived from her body at all. She's a national treasure. National treasure.

Her talent and her vision and her work with charities. Did your publicist say, do you want to sit next to the new Abbott and Costello? I don't get it. He doesn't know which one he is. It felt like you were doing a routine. Yeah, that was kind of classic comedy bit, but so when I pretended I wasn't paying attention. We're in that realm now.

Talk about another movie. Let's get out of it. So this is the part of the show, Pete, where I... I saw Anomalisa. I saw Anomalisa. I saw Anomalisa. All right, I'll bite. What did you think of it? Anomalisa Kudrow.

That's your reveal? That's not even an answer to my question. I just wanted to say that. I did see Anomalisa. I don't know. I think we need to awaken to the idea that we can save ourselves and stop waiting for some random woman in a hotel to change our lives. You know what I mean?

Just because there's some love and novelty and we're constantly yearning for something, we need to understand that a person is really just the impetus that unlocks the key stimulus that saves us. Charlie Kaufman is in his late 40s, maybe 50s. I wish he'd make a movie that says we have the keys that we need to save ourselves. Exactly what I hoped would happen. He just didn't follow through, though. Yeah.

How dare you say that? For those listening at home, the wrestling legend, see? I'm glad I did what I did because I got a head, I believe it's called a headlock. No, it's called a diamond cutter. A diamond cutter.

Oh, that's your signature move? This is my signature move. A diamond. Of course it is. Fucking hugs. All right, Doug, what's the next part of the show? I would like to see another move. I'd like him to do another move on you.

How about the turd cutter? Here we go. Oh. Yeah, that was a turd cutter. No fart could have reached you that quickly. Yo, are you kidding me? Isn't that funny? There's a delay. That's proof that God has a sense of humor.

He's like, you'll hear it before you smell it. Oh, I'm sorry, are we not talking about the Martian enough? No, we're... You see the Martian? He No, we're not. You want to see The Martian? He's stuck up there! Nobody liked that movie. It's his favorite movie. No one liked that movie.

Everyone sat there going, I better say I liked it because the science checked out. You mentioned Gravity. That is a better trapped in space movie. Can we agree? I like it. No.

You liked Martian more? Oh, there's a problem. I fixed it with tape. Get the fuck out of my face. That movie should have been called No Conflict. Oh, no, I don't have food. I grew some food. Get the fuck out of my face.

Sandra Bullock was hurling through space and Clooney was dead and then he was back and then she's in the water. You're all wrong. Shut up. Let the games begin! Yeah! Who here hungers

for merriment? Does anyone have a Pete Holmes themed one? No. Why would someone have a Did they know you were going to be here? Yes.

Some did. Is that a no on a Pete Holmes themed one? I think I leaked it. I have your face. He's got his face. That would be Pete Holmes themed. Yeah. You have his face where? On your what? I think I leaked it. I have your face. He's got his face. That would be Pete Holmes themed.

Yeah. You have his face where? On your what? It's like small. It's in a group. All right. Well, don't. Who else is in the group?

Pete. Pete. Yeah. Pete, you don't. Guys, don't interview the people about what they brought. If it's in a straight out of Compton montage, I would take that. Just everybody hold up your name tags. And all three of my guests on stage are gonna just get up and

physically grab the name tag you'd like to play for today out of all these choices and while you do that we'll do this we'll be right back after this they're commercial yeah you know commercials on you made it weird not mid-show we have, we're doing it right now because I don't want people to listen to you haggling over name tags for 20 minutes. That's true. We'll be right back. Hey, hey, hey. This episode is brought to you in part by Postmates. Postmates is transforming the way local goods move around a city by enabling anyone to get any product

delivered in under one hour. And you can get a free delivery with the code Doug. The Postmates network of couriers can deliver from anywhere. Think GameStop, Chipotle, Walgreens, McDonald's, 7-Eleven, or any other local store or restaurant. Literally everywhere. With a few taps, Postmates will bring you any product right to your door in less than one hour. It's like magic! So next time you don't want to leave your game, download the Postmates app on iTunes or Android and enter the code DOUG for a free first delivery. Today's episode is also brought to you in part by our friends at Loot Crate.

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than just a subscription service. It's an entire community of fans that share their experience and interact with each other around the unboxing of each month's crate. I just watched a video of my friend Chloe Dystra opening up her loot crate.

They guarantee $40 plus in value in every crate. Sometimes it's a lot more. Every month there's a different theme and all items are curated around that theme. For February, we've braved the dangers of Alexandria and bribed some mercs with chimichangas to bring you the finest loot this side of the afterlife. This month's theme is Dead and reaches across genres to bring

you five exclusives, including a t-shirt and two figures to celebrate new episodes of The Walking Dead. Oh my god, did you see the second season premiere? Second half season premiere? Lost a lot of characters. Oh, and Deadpool's solo film debut.

So whatever Deadpool thing is in there, it's got to be cool. Remember, you only have until the 19th at 9pm Pacific to subscribe and receive that month's crate. And when the cutoff happens, that's it. It's over. Go to lootcrate.com slash Doug. Enter the code Doug, D-O-U-G to save $3 on your new subscription today. Back to the show.

We're back! Who are you playing for, DDP? I'm guessing it's Andy Man. Yep. Instead of Candy Man, he changed it to Andy Man. It's covered in candy. It's got bees. Oh, it's got a thumbs up. And candies. You don't eat any of that shit.

You're lean protein and steamed broccoli, right? No. You'll eat a Sour Patch can? No, I won't eat this shit. I love that part where Nick Nolte goes, don't eat that shit,

it's for losers. You didn't see that movie? No, I didn't see it. Trust me, it happened. But it was funny when you said it. Thank you. Who are you playing for, Pete? I'm going to play for, is your name Otis?

Otis. Well, Doug and Otis. So it's a Milo and Otis thing. There's cows and ducks and there's a pig. Now that it's closer to me, he looks less like Greg Proops. Hey, kittens. Is that it's closer to me, he looks less like Greg Proops. Hey, kittens. Is that your Greg Proops impression? Wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute. Don't ask, was that your Greg Proops impression after I did it and it landed? Well, hey, San Fran. That sounds more like a Rip Taylor. Yeah, I lost it. I have to point out, because it said not to, it said shithead. Don't read that. Don't read that. Good thing I lost him. I have to point out, because it said not to, it said shithead. Yeah, don't read that.

Good thing that was sealed. They put that on there because... Okay, just make it sure. Is this full? Pete, I don't know what you're doing. Quit playing with his candy. I'm currently wondering if Sour Patch Kids are vegan. Quit touching his patch.

No, but they're gluten-free. I bet they're made with horse hooves or something. We're going to play a series of games, maybe one game because it's hard to get through them with Pete here. And then somebody in the audience is going to win all the stuff we put in the prize bag. Including Doug Ben's spoon?

Yes. Spoon. You drew on. That's now unedible because you drew on it. The spoon was drew on. That's now unedible because you drew on it. The spoon was never edible. Seth, I need you to stop speaking to Pete because he cannot not respond

every time. And we really got to get moving here because this is a show. Are you not entertained? It's fun. This is a show. Are you not entertained? Gladiator. It's fun. But I just have to explain that if the people who lose, there's shitheads on the back because I'll call anyone they want a shithead

as a consolation prize. Okay. You can put it down on the ground, too, if you don't want to hold that thing on your... Crotch. Kind of bulky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't want to hold that thing on your Crotch Pete might do some lines off of it I've done a bump of Sour Patch Sour

The powder How'd that work out for you? Seth, I told you not to talk to him I didn't say anything You're asking him about Snorting Fun Dip Who's Seth playing for? Thank you so much, Diamond Who are you playing for? Yeah, thank you so much, Diamond.

Yeah, who are you playing for, Seth? Ted's flying solo today. And I liked, it's sweet, and I liked about it is that it's Valentine themed, and it was both sort of high tech and very ghetto. Like, he looked like he made this in like one minute. Seth, as your publicist, they're not gonna like that you said ghetto.

Okay, it looked very low-income neighborhood to me. One minute. Seth, as your publicist, they're not going to like that you said ghetto. Okay. It looked very low-income neighborhood to me. Say, Seth, say about this name tag with Han Solo on it. Say, I love this name tag. I love this name tag. I know. All right. So I heard you improvise that line.

He did. He just threw that in there because he wanted to go to lunch. It was a long speech. He's like, I know. And then they went to lunch. Will you go to lunch, Gary Glenn Ross? I'll only interrupt if it's lines from movies. Any movie? Not a guarantee. Alright, it's time to play a game

and this game that we're going to start off with today, I'm very excited about because it's been a minute since we've done this. Let's do some lines with Mark. You guys want to do some lines? Let's do some lines. I love you. Let's fucking do this shit.

Let's go fucking Meltdown. Let's fucking do this shit. I can't believe Mark Wahlberg was waiting all this time. You call it waiting. I call it working out, motherfucker. Yeah, he's always doing kegels. How's it going, man?

I loved you in Ted 2. You fucking did, right? You did because you're an American. How you guys doing? You doing good? How you guys doing? You doing good? You're lucky I wanted to get out of the house today, Doug.

Why did you want to get out of the house? Fucking Donnie's making a stew for Valentine's Day. I just watch him just put fucking carb and starch and all that shit. And he made me sick, so I'm like, I'm leaving. And you begged me to come save your show, so here I am. You still live with Donny? You think I live with Donny?

Hey, is there any truth- I had to build a garage I don't even use just so he could sleep over it. Is there any truth to the rumor that you're gonna star in the Marco Rubio story? You got the hair for it. If he was an ex-cop at any time in his life, I'll fucking play that role.

All right, so... You really gotta come to the live tapings, because the body movement... You're missing out on so much by not being here. I mean, I would say the bracelet alone is worth coming to see. This bracelet weighs 32 pounds, motherfucker. All day. It's a bro slip. It's a bro slip.

Very good. All right. So Mark is going to say a line from a motion picture. And then the three of you, just as soon as you think you know or you have a guess of what movie it is, Do you raise your hand or buzz? Just say it into your microphone. As soon as you know it, he gets very into it. Avatar.

Yeah. Are you just guessing? I'm practicing. You're warming up. I'm warming up. Yep. Starts with the A's. Hudson Hawk. You ready to do this shit talk? Yeah. Are you just guessing? I'm practicing. You're warming up. I'm warming up. Yep. Starts with the A's. Hudson Hawk.

You ready to do this shit talk? Yeah. We already have a guess of Hudson Hawk. Yeah. You know he's got a lot of Hudson Hawk lines in his quiver. All right. Here we go. Look good, feel good.

He always says that. Look good, feel good. That's not good. Now is when the line starts. I want you to give this to your son, okay? It's a Randy the Ram action figure. It's worth $300. It is the fucking wrestler!

It is the wrestler! Diamond Dallas Page! Way to go, DBP! Killing it! Fucking right, you diamond-cutting motherfucker! Thank you, Mark! All right, guys. That's it?

You only just one line? Yeah. I wanted four or five. It's just a special thing. If you had done the one where Todd Berry was masturbating, I would have got it. Same movie. I like that you got that.

I don't want to get that. Even if I knew it, I would have got it. The clue was Randy the Ram yeah the resurrection of Randy the Ram is out on iTunes now and also it's fun how you had already been

referencing the hell out of it yeah as he's saying before that happened you've been talking about the whole show the one line you're like duh I don't know what that is

as your publicist people are going to have a problem with your broad The one line, you're like, duh, I don't know what that is. As your publicist, people are going to have a problem with your broad, dumb guy voice. I feel like they related to it in terms of you. You salty dog. All right, that means that Diamond Dallas Page gets to go first in our next game. And the next game is something that I called, somebody named it, not me, ABCD's Nuts.

And it is a spelling game. I was always the first kid out of the spelling bee competition. What? The first kid out? Out. He'd be voted out. And then you'd just wait outside and kill every one of them as they leave.

You'd eliminate as they got eliminated. Can you spell ouch? All right. Hit me. All right. So we're going to spell. I do very much enjoy the Deadpool movie that came out. I liked it a lot.

And so that's the word we're going to spell today. And the idea is we'll start with D, with DDP. You name any movie that begins with the letter D. And if it's the movie I wrote down right here, and it matches. You're our winner. And I did not write down Dog Day Afternoon, but that was a good answer. I wrote down a motion picture called Daredevil. Daredevil.

Not my first choice. Yeah. Yeah. All right, let's go to Seth next. Seth, a movie that begins with the letter E. East of Eden. Yeah, that's an E one for sure. I went with Elektra.

It seems to be a theme. Seems something's happening here. It's a theme. It's a theme. Pete Holmes, A. Air Devil. Great answer. I connect everyone's in a while. Okay, real answer now.

You know how Paul Lynde used to do a joke answer? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The real answer. But do your real answer as Paul Lynde. Apocalypse Now. Apocalypse Now. Apocalypse Now! You ever just wanna watch Apocalypse Now? I'm the alien from American Dad.

You're welcome. That's what he's doing basically? He's an impression of, yeah, cause it's not, Paul Lynn's dead. But it's Pauline. Yeah, Pauline's dead. But it's his voice. Okay. All right, so I went with American Splendor,

a great movie based on a graphic novel. Ordinary life's pretty interesting stuff. That was better than your Pauline. He does not hold back. I don'tuh, man. I think I have cancer in my neck. Duh! I'm Toby Radloff, the original nerd.

Oh! Very good. Erection is back. It took a break. All right. DDP gets D again. The letter D. Any other movie that begins with D?

Somebody yell it out. What? No, that's not how this works. No, you can't do that. DDP gets D again. The letter D. Any other movie that begins with D? Somebody Yell It Out. What? No, that's not how this works. You can't do that. Wow. Why not? He just changed the rules and it's okay. I'm making it up.

Somebody Yell It Out. I would love to see you on Celebrity Jeopardy. I just won. I need an answer from somebody. Sorry, they didn't yell it out in the form of a question. Deadpool. Deadpool. Oh, alright. I guess I have to take it.

Is that what you wrote? No, no. I wrote down Doctor Strange. Yeah. 2007. Animated. There is a theme here. Yeah. Seth P. Movies with women in them right get out of our turf i was just playing a character called a man who thinks only men should be in movies like the way only men were allowed in shakespeare plays as your publicist they're not gonna like

that character if i double down i think i might win them all pete switch seats with diamonds dallas page If I double down, I think I might win them all. Pete, switch seats with Diamond Dallas Page. Don't do it. Have you ever been in an airport and... Paging Diamond Dallas. No. Ooh, I get it. P.

P. Remember, pneumonia starts with a P. P. Remember, pneumonia starts with a P. Like Johnny Pneumonia. P. Jesus. This is harder than you think. When you're under the lights, you know. When you're out there pressure

sure you can body slam someone in the comfort of your own living room but do it on Saturday at 8pm under the lights sorry showbiz talk you're apologizing

to showbiz talk what do you got anything that begins with P Peter Pan there you go. See? Yeah. You could do it. But I was trying to find a comic book.

Oh, a comic book like Punisher Warzone? Like Punisher. Oh, is my letter. Oh, all right. So you got O, Pete. Oh, man. Avengers. All right, so you got O, Pete.

Oh, man. Avengers. Is that that movie about artificial dissemination? Yeah. Without permission? Without consent? O. O. O.

O. I'm gonna go with Oprah Winfrey presents The Avengers. I'm gonna go with Oprah Winfrey Presents The Avengers. I hate you so much. I hate you so very, very much. Oh, there's no O comic.

All right, we'll go to O for Diamond. Do you have an O? Othello. Nice. Yeah. You know, only men were allowed in the production of Othello. Is that character back again? That's right.

That was me doubling down. It didn't work. Did you ever have a business card that said, Diamond Dallas Page, a girl's best friend? Ooh. I think that would be cool. All right. Every kiss begins with K.

That has nothing to do with anything. I've never seen someone just want to speak more in my life. I hate Steven Singer and Pete Holes. I have one. After this, you want to go out for De Beers? Steven Singer and Pete Holmes. I have one. After this, you want to go out for De Beers?

That was excellent. If only we were in Chicago. They make diamonds. Oblivion is what I went with. Oblivion. That was based on an unpublished graphic novel. What was your other O? Let's find out as we continue to play this game.

Seth gets the next O. Oh, Lord. Not L? Oh, God, book two? Is that a thing? Yeah, that's a real thing. I went with once, because I couldn't think of any other O comic book movies.

But I do like that movie once. And then finally, the last letter in Deadpool. L. Me? Sure. Lean lantern. Okay, now we go to Diamond Dallas Page

for the win. L. Lantern. Green. I'm doing the Dewey Decimal answer Card catalog Why would that be There's no reason to do

I'm hurting somebody That happens with an A Not with just a regular word Lantern comma green It's not grit comma true Uh huh Do you have one for L? comma green. It's not grit comma true. Uh-huh. Do you have one for L?

Leaving Las Vegas? Yes! I said an old movie called Looker because it seems like it was based on a comic book. But it's not. That's ABC's Deez Nuts. We don't have a winner

because nobody matched so that means Diamond Dallas Page is still in the catbird seat. He gets to go first again. That was a hard game. Yeah, you made a game only you could win. Did you think you were the guest?

Yeah. People win it all the time. Looker? But you know, around the first few, they were pretty like E for Electra. Somebody could have got that if they were thinking Daredevil. If they just heard Daredevil, then they might have gone, E, oh, Electra.

Maybe. I didn't know there was a theme. It's weird. Next time. It takes two to create the theme. Like you wouldn't have known just from Daredevil that they would. It's weird. Next time. It takes two to create the theme. Like you wouldn't have known just from Daredevil that there was a theme. He's right. You know A is one, but until B is two, you don't know C is three. Because what if it's A is one and B is one one? But what if A1 was Deadpool, so you knew Deadpool and you knew Daredevil, so now you got two comic book movies.

You could have started mathing up right around there. Yeah. You know, I'm going to be honest with you, Doug. None of us are up here looking for clues and themes. We're just here because we don't give a shit about showing our loved ones we care. What's your lady doing today? Not you guys. You guys are with your partners.

No, we'll hang out. Maybe later, maybe not. I don't need Valentine's Day to tell me to treat my lady right. Like, I don't need St. Patrick's Day to tell me to get drunk during the day and shit my pants. It's amateur hour.

Enjoy your linguine, you fucking hacks. I'll be at home, Netflix and chill. And I don't mean fucking, I mean watching Netflix. All right. I'm trying to decide

which game we should play next because we probably only have time for one more. Which one do you like best, Pete? I like the one where you have to make a movie based on the last one that they said. Build a title? There's no way we're going to play that. No way?

No way. I don't think I could do it today, but I'd like to see everyone else do it. Yeah, I think you'd be really bad at it. Bad lieutenant. That was so fucking right. Do you know what I would add to that? What?

Ant-Man. Lieutenant Ant-Man! Oh! I'm coming! That was so good. We don't even have to play. How's it gonna get better than that? That was the best 30 seconds of this podcast

that's ever happened. Man out of time. I'm not putting it down, but how are we going to beat that? Seth just tried, what did you say? Man out of time. What's that? It's a movie. Man out of time?

Man out of time. Man out of time? Denzel Washington, am I crazy? You mean the butterfly effect? Man on fire. But there's a Man Out of Time is another movie. Man out I crazy? You mean the butterfly effect? Man Out of Fire. But there's a Man Out of Time's another movie. No, it's not. Man Out of Time is when you say

when you're overwhelmed at a gay orgy. Now we're arguing about a game we're not even playing. Insanity. Man Out of Time. Time Machine. Ex Machina. Man at a time Time machine Ex machina I lost a game we weren't playing

Okay let's not play that game Yeah it worked out pretty good We dodged that bullet Bullet man Diamond Dallas What's your favorite game on this podcast? If I had to guess I'd say he probably loves Last Man Stanton. As do audience members.

And this game's got a fun wrinkle, Pete. A wrinkle in time. You get a lifeline. If you can't think of an answer at any point, you can, or if you just want to use it strategically, you can ask the person who you're playing for, the person whose name tag you have. Diamond Dallas Page has been doing this the whole time.

He tried to, yes. But now he really can use his lifeline just once. And Dallas, the idea of this game is that we... I like to play along on this one. We take turns naming movies from one actor or actress that'll be provided by an audience member. When you can't think of one, or you see a movie that's wrong...

I don't know why I look to you why i don't know why because because you seem like a man out of time to me and um and then uh uh yeah if you can't if you can't think of one you can go to your lifeline one time it's an elvis castello actor and then you get the name the movie one of their movies yeah okay yeah and so obviously we try to get an actor that has a lot of film roles and uh obviously it gets hard pretty well what if you say ke obviously we try to get an actor that has a lot of film roles and obviously it gets hard pretty fast what if you say

Kevin Bacon and we just go all day Kevin Bacon's been in a lot of films that's what I'm saying he's like what if the show goes on for another

three or four hours well that's why we're starting this game now we've got we don't have to be out of here for two hours so I think we'll be in good shape

no we do have to get out of here very two hours, so I think we'll be in good shape. No, we do have to get out of here very soon. Got about 15 minutes for this game. But you never know. Good God. Let the games begin! What's that from? Yes, finally we're going to start playing games. It's Doug. It's what?

This is the real, this is happening for real now. Okay. Go ahead and start recording the show back there. Pete has declared that we're going to start. I don't like Hunger Games for the same reason I don't want to watch Revenant, because it's like they're so hungry. I don't want to see something.

I want you to lose so badly. This is what we're going to do. Diamond Dallas Page gets to pick what actor or actress we use. Someone that's been in a lot of films, so that makes it, makes us be able to last for a little while.

Who do you think? Who's somebody you're a fan of that you know a lot of their work? Oh, God. We'll give you a second to think about it. It's a real advantage. Real advantage. Don't say oj simpson naked gun naked gun two and a half they get 33 and a third the towering inferno beside adventure no that whole guy was in um he was also in uh oh see am i the best or the worst

capricorn capricorn one capricorn one yeah capricorn one oh capricorn fake moon landing movie but it was like a martian landing on that then they go to mars can we fucking stop talking about the martian but like capricorn one they, they go to Mars. Capricorn One also, Pete, the science. Checked out. Nope, not at all. Didn't check out at all. It's about the faking of it. And that's a science check.

Checked out. I thought of another way to say it. The science leaves the hotel. Because it checks out. Diamond Dallas Page. Do you have an you have Everyone at home Just groaned Into their bongs

They exhaled A groan Smoke A groan Smoke Burt Reynolds Alright Now we're talking

Oh boy oh boy oh boy This is a good one. All right. You just sealed my fate. You couldn't say Morgan Freeman. You couldn't say Scarlett Johansson. You couldn't say O.J. Simpson. I would add up.

Burt Reynolds? Yeah. I'm very excited about this. We like exact titles in this game so start us off DDP with a Burt Reynolds film just any one of the entire Deliverance

yeah of course classic Burt you talking about the mean green and blue jeans I know bird woo as he's known

that's how he's known I don't know anything about bird that was Ned Beatty it's your turn I'm gonna go what did Pete say Pete didn't say anything

it's his turn oh I thought bird ran a hole change the order around I was in Boogie Nights yeah he was I almost doubted you

you seemed unsure I wasn't sure if it was him I was in Boogie Nights. Yeah, he was. I almost doubted you. You seemed unsure. I wasn't sure if it was him or some guy that makes his own fried chicken. I can't tell. Is that a Colonel Sanders riff? Yeah, he thought it was a Colonel Sanders thing. I don't even know. He doesn't even know anymore.

Pete's getting tired. It's almost nap time. Yeah. Can somebody get my Eggos? It's a deep callback. Well, from like 15 minutes ago. 15 Earth minutes. Not on Mars.

Trust me. The science called down for a late checkout. You'll be seeing that one make sense around noon. Science called down for a late checkout. You'll be seeing that one make sense around noon. It's good to laugh with friends. All right. Okay. Seth, which one do you want to go with? I was going to start off with Smokey and the Bandit.

I'm glad you said that one, because I thought it was Jake and the Fat Man. That was a TV show. You're a TV show. I'm going to go with Sharky's Machine. Oh, okay. Then we go back to Mr. Page. The Longest Yard. I'm gonna go back to Mr. Page. The Longest Yard.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. I'd also like to say a cameo in the remake of The Longest Yard. The line to suck Dee's nuts starts here, Doug! I'm gonna win! He definitely was. I think you're in trouble,

if you're already going for that. Smoking the bandit too. Yeah, you snake in the grass. That shouldn't be allowed. Uh-uh. But you should have got yourself in trouble if there was like a subtitle at the end. I had the poster.

Smoking the bandit too. Banding it up again. There's not. Smoky and the Bandit 2. Banding it up again. There's not. Still smokying. If there was anyone, it was Eastbound and Down, but that was the song. Right. Burt Reynolds.

I'm going to go with, how about, let me see, At Long Last Love, the musical that he starred in with Sybil Shufford that everybody hated. It was a falafel-oo. DDP? Semi-tough. Mm-hmm. Now that you're finished insulting Pete,

we need a title of a Burt Reynolds... At least I'm semi-tough. Yeah. A semi can get the job done. Yeah. S semi-tough. Yeah. A semi can get the job done. Semi-tough. What do you got, Pete? You can do this. Mr. Baseball.

Why do you laugh at yourself when you're so incompetent? Why is that amusing to you? He's really in Mr. Baseball? Yeah. I don't think so. I don? Yeah. I don't think so. I don't know. I don't think he is. He plays the manager.

Oh, somebody's looking it up? Is that what's happening? Yeah, he's looking it up. Holy shit. You don't have to look it up. He's calling up a list of Burt Reynolds films. He's going to be great at this game. Yeah.

I can't look. Yeah. Why is he cheating hey Siri how's it going was Burt Reynolds in Mr. Baseball here are Burt Reynolds' Southern League stats from last season there's a guy in the

Southern League named Burt Reynolds. And Southern League of what? Cricket? Not a no. Not a no. Still alive. Okay, so Pete's out. Nobody here thinks he was in Mr. Baseball.

He's in movies that are called like A Flapjack and an Indian. Two Spaniards I don't trust in a fist fight in a Corvette. Here's a fun game. Every time we get back to you, you can say another one of those. And we'll all pretend you're still

in the game. Make a gif. No one's filming. No one's filming you to make a gif. No one's filming. No one's filming you to make a gif. Everyone made a mental gif. Make a mental gif. Seth? I can't believe no one has mentioned

Cannonball Run. The greatest end of the film of all time. Why is it so great? The outtakes, the credits. Oh, that was when they first started putting in the outtakes. That Dom DeLuise, his laugh was contagious. Contagious. Yes.

Contagion. When that guy would laugh. Yes, it sounds similar. Oh, boy. All right, Will. I'll just give you crayons and I'll be quiet. I got to go with Cannonball Run 2, of course. Ooh.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the simple way out. But I'm sure Diamond Dallas Page has another one. I can't remember the fucking name. Oh. That's what happens. You can picture the movie. The one where he's swimming out

and he's swearing he wants to die. He wants to kill himself. He's swimming. He's swimming. Waterworld. He's swimming. He's got gills. He's drinking his own urine.

He gets all the way out there and then he decides he wants to live. Oh. Andy, I'm going to you. Andy. Oh, Andy. I'm going to go to Mike. Andy can say that title

or whatever title he chooses. I could have gotten Otis that whole time. I know. You fucked up. Yeah, you know, Andy could say that title or whatever title you choose. I could have gotten noticed that whole time. I know, you fucked up. Yeah, you did. Andy, you gonna pull us out here or what? Andy, what do you got? I got nothing.

What, no? I'm gonna call, I'm gonna save you. I got something, fucking duck. You guys wanna do a fucking line? Let's save this shit. If I was on Titanic, that bitch would still be floating. Did you get along with Burt Reynolds when you made Boogie Nights? Did Burt Reynolds get along with me?

The answer is yes, motherfucker. Wait, so you didn't get along with him? No, I didn't get along with anybody. I almost got in a fist fight with John C. Reilly. He's the nicest guy in show business. No, he's not. If you throw a fucking marshmallow at his head at 2 o'clock in the morning, he gets super fucking pissed.

I was like, eat it, dude. Didn't you blind a guy? No. I tried to exit a store. He got in the way. His eye fell out. Well, you got to bring up that shit, Pete. I am feeling the vibrations.

I'll tell you that right now. Well, it's about that time to bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme. Why isn't the whole show you? It is, Pete. It is. All right, so what are we doing? You're going to give us a line? I'm going to do a fucking line, and then I'm going to throw an assist

to this diamond-cutting motherfucker right here. Be nice to him. So is he the only one who can guess, or can we all guess? I think we can all guess. Yeah, everybody's game, except for the normal people. All right to our new guest. So is he the only one who can guess, or can we all guess? I think we can all guess. Yeah, everybody's game, except for the normal people. All right, here we go. Stay out, normies.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? Please continue with what you were saying. Oh, you're finished? Well then allow me to retort. Oh, this was at the Republican debate. No. From the top.

Please welcome the candidates. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. You were saying something about best intentions? Well, please. Oh, you're finished? Okay, allow me to retort.

What does Marcellus Wallace look like? Pulp Fiction pull fiction all right i wanted my show back get out of here no i'm gonna help diamond dallas page oh what's you giving him an answer i am gonna give him a answer all right ready andy man is no good how old are you andy man 32. and you don't know any burt riddle movies you named all of them we named the we did get the oh safe answer wait a minute you picked longest yard too you did smoky and smoking to double up on cannibal none of you came up with anything original we'll find anybody here we'll find anybody here this is not the val's Day episode I envisioned. No, it is.

It fucking is. Donnie's done with his stew and he brought a bat. Let's fucking do this. I said Boogie Nights. Well, you should have said this one because DDP gets it. Fucking striptease. Yes!

Striptease. Yes! Very good. All right, I'm going to go run a 10K. Work out, people. Stick around. I might need you back here, Mark. All right, Pete.

Go ahead and use your lifeline if you want. Unless you thought of one on your own. I am out. You are out. I want to use the lifeline. Hooper. Hooper! That's what I was going to say.

That's a great one. The Hollywood stuntman. No, you ruined it. You didn't have Hooper. You can do another one. Can I still use Hooper! That's what I was gonna say. That's a great one. The Hollywood stuntman. No, you ruined it. Awesome. Oh. You didn't have a Hooper. You could do another one. Can I still use Hooper? Even though it's given the guy who's already out?

I got my- I designated him back in cause he is going to lose ultimately. Don't we all, Doug? I don't, wait. I don't get that. So, oh, we all lose ultimately? I know someone who can resurrect you.

I'm helping you hug the movie. Yeah, that's good. Resurrection of Jake the Snake. Yep. Available now on iTunes. And Amazon. It's only $8.99? $5.99 to rent.

$5.99 to rent. How much to buy? $14.99. So you have to wait. You have to play that game. Am I going to watch this movie more than twice in the next year? I think so. What a fun game, Pete. Seth. So you have to wait. You have to play that game. Am I going to watch this movie more than twice in the next year? I think so. What a fun game, Pete.

Seth. All right. I was going to say Hooper. Right. You got another one. It's Burr Reynolds. Hooper 2. No, come on.

Get it together. Stoker Ace? Stoker Ace, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stoker Ace. See, I told you you got this. You still haven't used your lifeline. Yeah.

I mean, your lifeline's not going to know anything. Nope. The guest should pick the person who looks the nerdiest. Pick their name tag. You know, Andy looks like just a normal guy. He doesn't know shit about shit. He's the Andy man, can't. All right, so...

I will go with... Gator. Oh, wow. Gator? Gator. He directed that one as well. Wow. Gator? Gator.

He directed that one as well. What are you guys doing? Typing Burt Reynolds into iTunes? DDP? I think it was called Endless, but I can't remember the name exactly. Oh, the never-ending story. The one where he's swimming out.

Oh, Limitless. That's what happens. You get sort of stuck on one of them. It's hard to... Fuck. Good try, though. Good job, DDP. Pete? I got my fake answer.

Blue jeans and homemade cocaine. Okay, so you're out for many times now. Seth, it's you and me, man. Oh, Lord. Let's do this. What if that were an answer? It might man. Oh, Lord. Let's do this. What if that were an answer? It might be. Oh, Lord. You can't just guess. You gotta be confident. And then you're sitting next to someone,

me, who's gonna say that's not a Burt Reynolds movie. I can look up his baseball stats. Confidence is not gonna... It only tricks me every once in a while. Fool me once. Okay. Okay. People have to go to dinner and stuff wasn't he in uh north dallas what north dallas 40. no you're i think you're now just confusing it with something that maybe it's the same same similar yeah semi-pro semi-pro semi-pro different movie

will ferrell yeah yeah willrell. So that's it? No, no, I'll think of something. You're just going to guess a few until you hit one? Yeah. You're the winner anyway. Am I? All right, we did it! Hey, you and I, the guy!

Oh, yeah, do you want to go to your lifeline? Okay, do you have one? Let's let him show off. Ted? The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, of course. A musical. Of course.

Best little whorehouse. They still have that whorehouse on the back lot at Universal. It's funny, when they drive by, they're like, that's the best little whorehouse in Texas. And I'm like, kids love looking at the facade of a whorehouse. And there's where the Desperate Housewives lived. Oh, same thing. Another facade.

This is where the burbs was filmed, damn it! That's what I yell out. All right, best little whorehouse text. I will go with, you know, it's a cheater move, but Smoking the Bandit 3. He wasn't in that. What? He wasn't in 3. You win! Yeah. Which Burr Reynolds movies did we

miss? Cop and a Half. Cop and a Half. Cop and a Half. Dukes of Hazzard, the movie, right? What's that? Oh, The End. The End. The End. I should have said that. Oh. So close. I didn't want to rub it in. What else?

Was he in... He was in... Abba Zabba Jabba. City Heat. City Heat. Was he in Fatso? Smoking the Man at 3. No.

He was not in Smoking the Man at 3. It was on his list of things he was in. Does he cameo in it? He might appear for a second. He was in the lead for sure. Or maybe you just hear him over his CB radio or something. Was he in Mr. Baseball? So I win.

Okay. And he's not in Mr. Baseball, no. No one can prove that. Sorry, you guys. All right, Seth, who are you playing for again? Ted. For Ted. So Ted gets the prize bag.

Ted's flying solo today. Come on up here, man. Congratulations. I'm sorry I didn't put a fleshlight in there. There's an asshole in the back there. Yeah, yeah, he won, so he doesn't get to read it. Hey, Ted, make sure you stick around so I can get you the resurrection. Oh, yeah, get that from him.

And just run at him afterwards, like in an attacking position. See what happens. And pass the name tag down there, Diamond Dallas Page. Tell us once again where and how people could see the resurrection of Jake the Snake. You can catch it on iTunes, Google Play, Amazon, Vudu, PlayStation, it's all out there. And I think it's in three different languages.

It's got subtitles for Spanish, German, and French. The French love their wrestling.. The French love their wrestling. The Canadian French love their wrestling. When you see somebody, it's probably like number 45 of my consideration would be, can I pick them up? How high on the list is it for you?

Like if you saw Ted come up and get it, are you like, okay, male, white, I could pick them up. That's what goes through your head when you see people, you're like can i lift them that's what i'm wondering for him it's number 54 i go male white it'd be funny if you called lift and he just showed up i'm gonna carry you I carried Pete Holmes through all of Doug Lowe's movies. You're not doing warm-up. Yeah, but... But thank you for putting up with all this. You've been a very good sport.

He didn't know what was going to happen here today. Good job. He's just got a publicist who's like, go do this thing. All right, I'll do this thing in the back of my comic book. I got publicist who's like, go do this thing. All right. I'll go, I'll do this thing in the back of my comic book. I got here and I was like,

first of all, Doug walked up and he hit me with such an odor of like, like I was like, okay, cool. Gonna be a fun show. Yeah.

I didn't understand what the odor was. You just, you stopped talking and then you- I forgot to put on deodorant. Cause I was high Pete I hate to bring your name up again

But As long as you're here Congratulations on your new HBO television series Coming out 2018 2018 yeah the science on our show we'll check out

yeah no I'm excited about that check it out you did a pilot and now it's it's going to series that's the thing and how soon

did you start shooting that we'll shoot it in the summer okay so hopefully it'll be out in the fall which coast we're shooting in New York. It takes place in New York. It takes place in New York.

Alright, I don't mind flying out. See? You know, my character has to go through... Your character has friends that are comedians, so I'm hoping I got a shot. Somebody's got to introduce me to the smoky, smoky world of Jumanji. Oh, I love that episode.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, Doug gets peed too high.y, smoky world of Jumanji. Oh, I love that episode. Yeah, sure. Yeah, Doug gets Pete too high. Like, I'll just be in one scene. Get you too high, and the rest of the episode is you trying to do things too high. Doug gets high too Pete. You know what? I think I'm going to be busy this summer. I got a lot of, I'm going to be in a lot of festivals.

I'm going to Canada for a while. I want people to listen to the podcast. I'm completely different on my own podcast. Well, I'm mostly the same. But listen to my own podcast. It's called You Made It Weird. Well, it's just you and one other person. That's good.

So it's less interrupting. And no, if I'm on the show, if you bring a You Made It Weird themed thing, I'll play for you. It's happened before, Seth. I'm sure it has. Don't talk to me in that tone. I have literally run out of steam.

So if you just want to wrap it up. This is a perfect time. You think it's a good time to end the show? Oh, he's tuckered out. He's tuckered out. He's tuckered. He's going to sleep tonight. Someone make a gif.

Yeah, Pete's paying for the Make a Gif Foundation today. What are you doing? Why are you tearing this apart? Oh, you're taking the Sour Patch Kids. He's taking the Sour Patch Kids. What the hell? That means you're going to get divorced, Mitch. It's like Marshawn Lech in the crowd.

It was like that gif of that rocker catching that beer. Your hand was up before I threw it, and then I then I threw it well she was trying to ask a question and then you threw a box of candy in her hand that was impressive see if she can do it again she did it again she did it that was awesome oh my god that was awesome! Oh my god! That was awesome! Wow! That's never happened! That's never happened! Wow!

Wow! That was insane! That was insane, right? It went right into her hands! It bounced off of the professor's shoulder and went right into her hands. That was incredible. Where's the fucking camera?

Nice assist, man. Come to the live shows. See Mark Wahlberg's body language. See the wrestling move that was put on me and see candy thrown into a woman's hand. Not once, but twice. Best carnival barker ever. Not once, but twice.

Valentine's Day is a day for throwing candy at women. There's some good stuff in here. I'm going to take this. Oh, you like that one? Yeah, I like this one. You put this on too well. Oh, my Lord. She would have missed it.

She would have missed it. There's nothing she can't catch. Except a break. Oh my God. Ready? Oh! You had to do it again. You ruined it.

You didn't shoot it in her eye. That's why. Look, I just wanted her to have candy. It's more than the game. Seth Herzog is at the Zog on Twitter. He's in town all week. If you go see the Jimmy Fallon program, you'll see him there. Yeah.

I just did a bit today. I shot a video that's going to air tomorrow. Cool. With the cast. Two night show. And what else is going on? You got your weekly show in New York City weekly show

sweet every Tuesday at the Slipper Room my mom still performs you don't have to make up a venue and a show you can tell us

about real things I didn't make up a venue sweet at the Slipper Room yeah okay it does it is out of space no that's what it's called

it's true we'll go up there when you're in town shooting the Getting Me High episode. Oh, that sounds fun. We're already making plans for after work. Not a guarantee. I'm excited.

He's got to run it by the network and they're going to come back. I wouldn't even have to fly in. Oh yeah, Seth lives there. You'd have to pay him to go out of town. Yeah. To not be on, you know. I'm going to fly you somewhere so you won't be on the show.

It's like locking up a werewolf pre-werewolf. You ever been to Fort Lauderdale, Pete? I've been to Fort Lauderdale. You ever been to St. Pete, Laud? I don't know what I'm saying. I'll be at the Fort Lauderdale Improv also in Hollywood, Florida on February 25th and 27th. I got a day off in between.

Ooh, I'll be at Largo on March 9th. Oh yeah, there you go. Pete and, what's it called? Pete and Friends. No, it's got a different name. Pete. Oh, Living at Largo. That's what it's called.

Living at Largo, yeah. You should do it. I can? That I can offer you. When is it? March 9th. Ironically, I will be in town. Here.

We're all booked. We're all booked. Look how happy that made him. Look how happy that made him. I never get to be mean. It's fun. If you want to write down a hashtag when telling your friends about this episode, make it a hashtag. telling your friends about this episode,

make it a hashtag. What does that even say? Oh, make a gif. Make a gif, baby. What was it you said? Make a what gif? Make a gif. Mental gif.

Make a mental gif. Hashtag make a mental gif. And thanks again to all of my guests, Diamond Dallas, Paige, Pete Holmes, and Seth Herzog. I should have done this earlier. I gotta tear this out of this thing. And as always, people that get caught

jerking off in the jacuzzi at my apartment complex are a big, fat, creepy shithead. But not if you don't get caught. are a big, fat, creepy shithead. And then in parentheses... But not if you don't get caught. In parentheses, unfortunately a true story.

Otis, you saw some Spunkmeyer? Pete, Pete, pass me your microphone for a second. Oh, sorry. a second. Oh, sorry. And children are a shithead! Children. Thanks once again to our sponsor, Postmates.

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It's like magic. So next time you don't want to leave your game, download the Postmates app on iTunes or Android and enter the code Doug for a free first delivery. See you next time. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you.

Cause Doug loves movies.