Doug Loves Movies - Pete Holmes, T.J. Miller, Bert Kreischer, and Samm Levine Guest

Episode Date: December 3, 2013

Doug tries to get a word in as he welcomes Pete Holmes, T.J. Miller, Bert Kreischer, and Samm Levine to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, greenie babies, sticky seeds With 50 azepop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey everybody, my name is Doug and I love movies This is Doug Loves Movies. That was pretty good. Coming to you from the UCB Theater in Los Angeles

on Tuesday, December 3rd, 2 Oceans 13. You know, Christmas is coming when... Wait a second. Did you play the Christmas version? No. No. All right, so let's do that next week Yeah, yeah, I asked for it this week, right?

Alright, I'm not crazy That was supposed to be Garfunkel and Oates And it's a signal that Christmas is coming With the mellow Christmas version of the theme song But that was the regular version With Hard and Firm So Christmas has been postponed We're pushing back Christmas, you guys 12 guests of Christmas is going to happen Hard and firm, so Christmas has been postponed.

We're pushing back Christmas, you guys. 12 Guests of Christmas is going to happen, though, on December 17th, and it's sold out. Next week, I'm giving away a cabin right here on the Weezer Cruise, a two-person cabin on the Weezer Cruise. And Monday night, I'll be at the Alamo Drafthouse Ritz in Austin, Texas, interrupting Something's Gotta Give. What? I don't even know what the hell. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh, corrections department.

That's why I didn't understand. Because this sentence didn't make sense until I realized it was from the corrections department ecstasy in layer crack not crack layer cake jesus so in the movie did you guys hear the show from tempe in the in the movie layer cake there it's ecstasy and not crack so so it's wrong to have that in the crack category. And I apologize. All right, with that out of the way, let's get the guests out here because we're going to need all the time we can get with these guests.

I've been trying to do a rematch of the most horrible guest episode. I've been trying, trying so hard. They're horrible and successful and very hard to nail down. And so tonight I was only able to get one or two of them. But I've got some contenders here tonight. So please welcome Pete Holmes, Bert Kreischer, and Sam the Man Levine, a.k.a. Lil Wolverine.

Plus, maybe, at some point, T.J. Miller. T.J. Miller might show up. He's working on a TV series, and all my guests are just just they're huddled backstage wondering if they should come out. And the answer is yes, gentlemen. Please. Hello, stoners.

My name is Doug and it's time for Doug Loves the Food and the Movie The Doug Loves the Food and the Movie. Doug loves the food and the movie. What's happening already? I was drinking a beer, and you smell like that dirt weed. You're already winning. You smell like weed that smells like the earth. Thanks for having me, Doug.

Good to be here. That's Pete Holmes, ladies and gentlemen. That's me, Pete Holmes. Great to see everybody. Thank you. He's the semi-undisputed most terrible guest. I'm disputed. Yeah, no.

We're leaving a chair open for the most disputed. It's like Passover. Passover. But he is most disputed because most people dispute that he's the most terrible because when TJ interrupts, it's usually with something funny. And when you interrupt, it's... Did you know at Hanukkah... Hi, Bert.

They cannot blow out the candles? Wait. Bert Kreischer lays them down there. You're just filling me in. No, did you know at Hanukkah, they light the candles, and they're not just the last time he was on the show.

And no one gets to blow them out. They leave the fucking candles. That's a very Goya-ish approach to being like, oh, you light the candles, then we might blow them out. No, they just light them and leave. They go to bed with a fucking fire hazard in their house. I don't know why everyone's not going nuts.

Thank you, Pete. I love it. I honestly, in my mind, I got a standing ovation. Because it's a celebration of lights. Did you score a booking on season two? I'm just saying, it's a celebration of lights, not house fires and unsafe. You know what I mean? Now, Pete, is it true they're moving your show to FXX?

Because that's a bad sign. Douglas, that is low and inside. Strike one. Hey, I'd take it, man. I'd take it. You'd take it? Yeah, it's like fucking a fat chick. What do you mean, fucking a fat chick? You can't fail. If your FXX is a fat chick? Dude, FXX is like a

chick with a thick back. If I was a fat girl and you didn't satisfy me, I would complain. Even though I was a fat girl. Wait. You clearly never fucked a fat chick. There's not a lot of room for a complaint. You just leave.

Why have I isolated the entire fucking audience within two minutes? This is the best. Why isn't he always here when I'm here? This is the best. Dude, I will take your negative thunder and I will wrap it around me. No, we're here together as friends. I just think when you casually say fat chick

and it's not 1972 and we're not in international waters playing dice, then it's like gonna isolate some of the audience. Especially when you're like, I fucked a fat chick and you gotta satisfy him!

Ah! No, no, no. Especially when you're like, I fucked a fat chick, and you gotta satisfy him. Even my impression of it isolated some of the audience. No, no, no. It was worse. If you had to satisfy them, they'd be getting something. That's my point. He's saying they're fat, and you don't have to satisfy them. They're worthless. Oh, my God.

That's what he's saying. He's inferring. That's what Sam said. It's a podcast. Sammy the Machine Levine, known to love a thicker milkshake. I'm sorry to drag you into this, Sam. He climbs right up in there. As you can see in your silence over there, you're really not a terrible guest.

You know, it depends which members of your listening audience you ask. Many of them would say I am the worst guest. Is that true, Sammy? That is true. They let me know actively on the Twitters. You're an American treasure and I want to put you atop a cake. No, I'm fine. Although I am going to do this

newsflash style. Oh shit, drunk Pete's coming. What are you doing with two microphones? I was holding a news conference, but it ended. We can pretend he double-dicked in the mouth. Introduce TJ. The podcast listeners won't know. Oh, okay.

And also, to compete for the... Yeah! TJ, I'm trying to... I'm trying to introduce you. LokiBear3D, Transformers 4. You're the worst. Yeah, pack a backpack with snacks. You win. What is the status? You're the winner. You're the worst. Yeah, pack a backpack with snacks. You win. What is the status?

You're the winner. You're the worst. What is the status? Smoke weed on it. Pete Holmes doing PJ Miller is the worst. PJ, back me up. You fucked a fat jerk. Oh, I love a fatty! And I'm in the chronic. Yeah! Freestyling! TJ,

you're too much for me to take. Sorry, Pete! Yeah! You're also making him say things That he might not say I don't know if he'd ever yell Does he yell out Freestylin ever I've heard him yell out Freestylin He definitely has said smoke weed on it You've done the research

Wait Bert when TJ if he does get here Will you say TJ just as you did to me TJ you fucked a fat chick Cause I want to hear what he'll say to that. Yeah. There's no politically. By the way, by the way, that is almost like saying I am for political correctness. I fucked a fat chick. No one else is fucking them apparently but me.

And you guys are just holding judgment against me. No, it's getting worse and worse and worse. It's spiraling, isn't it? There's so many gentlemen that enjoy the feeling of a Rubenesque lady. Do you not remember? You appear to have a wedding ring on. May I ask about your wife? He does have a wedding ring on.

Two babies. I still fuck fat chicks. Oh, my God. I'm on your back, and I'm trying to help. I'm just saying, every morning, he's like, girls, eat your pancakes so you're not getting fucked. Not my daughters! Oh my god.

This is spiraling out of control. I'm gonna, you know what? I will never say fat shit again. Here, ready? I'll help you. I'm gonna help you. Just say this. I enjoy fucking a thicker milkshake. No.

Just say it. I'm not on Nickelodeon. I enjoy fucking a thicker milkshake. Because having sex with a girl that's too skinny is like fucking a small boy. Yeah! Oh, shit. Yeah!

Transformers! Doug, I think I'm just going to go sit in the crowd. Oh, it's all over, you guys. TJ Miller is here. Hey, everybody. Why is this night different from other nights? TJ, have you ever yelled freestyling for any reason out loud? Never once, but I have heard Pete Holmes yell,

and I was outside the building, and I heard his voice go, Rubenesque woman! yell and I was outside the building and I heard his voice go, Rubenesque woman! I honestly thought my comment about a girl that's too skinny feels like a young boy was getting applause and it was you. I know! I saw

Bill Kim and Bert be like, yeah, bitch, and then you turn around and you're like, oh no. Not so much that I need my ideological things reinforced, but so much that I need my ideological things reinforced, but so much that I felt like I helped my friend Bert. Now, Bert, ask TJ what I asked you to ask him. Bert, go ahead and...

TJ. Pete's going to sort of control our interactions. I fucking feel like I'm in the middle of a green zone. Thanks for coming by, Sam. Sammy the Machine Levine. TJ, have you ever fucked a fat chick? Yeah, sure. Oh, what the fuck, bitches? Yeah, but you ever fucked a fat chick? Yeah, sure. Oh, what the fuck, bitches?

Yeah, but wait a minute. Oh, that's probably even more weird. That was ever. You're the most misogynist. I didn't understand the background of that, so that was weird, but I was like, yeah. And he's like, yeah, what the fuck, bitches? I'm spiraling.

It's just by saying anything, I feel like you're just validating the use of the term fat chick. No. Look, I'd go on another tirade, but I'd be getting applause and turn around and there'd be Wayne Brady. So I'm not going to stick up for thicker women again just to get an SNL walk-on on this motherfucker. Is Bob Dole behind me or am I sticking up for the fairer women?

Points! I did have an awkward interaction with Wayne Brady backstage where we sort of were both about to come on stage and we kind of looked at each other and he was like you want to go? and I was like you want to go? and he was like you go and I was like alright and I pushed him over

you pushed Wayne Brady? did he go timber? I tried he went I'm laying down now someone needs to lean if you're standing. That's a really good short form. That is. Stand, sit, lean.

I mean, no one here is taking classes, apparently. So far, I'm not glad that I showed up. Me either. Let's play the Leonard Bolton game. Wow. That is the earliest you've ever... I've had sex with a bigger girl. I can't start it soon enough.

You like bigger girls. You really cannot. Yeah, it's going to be tough to get through. You're not wrong. It might not happen. Do you enjoy the larger arts? Just say it. I don't understand.

I like a thinner woman. You don't like a woman who, when you turn her around, she looks like she might be a little fella? I don't want a woman that challenges my ab routine. You know what I mean? I just don't like that. So you prefer the woman as heavy or set than you are? As to more.

That's big, by the way. You are a son of a bitch. We're talking like 6'5". Oh my God, I would love to find a huge fucking rod. A giant. I would pay money to a huge fucking rod. A giant. I would pay money to see you have sex with someone bigger than you. I would pay money to see that too. That would be the most gigantic woman.

I would love to see her chase me and heave coconuts at me. That would be John Lutgow in The World According to Garp. Would have to make love to you. Just two huge fat Val Kilmers fucking. Would have to make love to you. Just two huge fat Val Kilmers. Like in the movie Heat, which I've been watching repeatedly. There's no reason to ever stop.

Have you seen Heat? I think he's skinny in that one. He is skinnier in that one. Yeah. Skinnier than Pete. He bought a couple of t-shirts from Birds next door and just changed it so it says Birds. Yeah, no one's going to want that tonight. Heat is a heist movie. Yeah, but he brought

two different sizes so that's in the prize bag. Did you bring anything for the prize bag, TJ? No, they're both mediums, sadly. I did. I know you raced you from the set.

Thank you, Pete. I got that. Yeah, I brought a... What'd you bring? Beer tastes like bumblebee piss. Pete Holmes brought a copy of his

CD-DVD combo, Nice Try the Devil. Thank you. You know what? I haven't done the show in so long, and I did so poorly for the small amount of time. Why are you off microphone? What's happening?

I'm going to give somebody the shirt. Okay, talk louder. I'm going to give somebody... Louder! I'm going to give somebody... talk louder. I'm going to give somebody... Louder! I'm going to give somebody...

Never before have I felt more like I'm at a press conference. And yes, she did suck my dick. And yes, she was over 320 pounds. But this is a shirt that I had custom made

at the mall downtown. But it reminds me of my one true love, my lost ex-wife Cheryl. My ex-wife of 47 years. You're going to take that off and give it to me? No, not to you. We'll give it away.

It's in the prize bag. Speaking of fat chicks. It's a t-shirt with a picture of a... Art, if you think you're the first person that called me a fat chick, then you're the last person I fucked. Wrap your head around that. Here's a t-shirt. Thank you very much for that.

Look at that, the shirt off my back. Literally. We've also got a copy of Gayway Doug and some emergency because this is the time of year where you need that. And waterproof matches from when I was on Talking Dead. And this has been sitting around my house for a while, and I've never used it.

What is this, Pete? What would you call this? It's like a flip cam made by Kodak. Yeah. It's an HD 1080p flip cam. Oh, great. So it's an antiquated piece of technology made by a better brand. The warranty is no good.

Enjoy. If you could give that to 1985 Pete, he would shit in his hat. So thank you for that time travel slug. I remember 1985 Pete used to wear a lot of hats, and they were big enough to shit in. Here's Sammy and the Machine Levine's gift. It's a piece of Lady Gaga.

It has gold sequins and it looks kind of like her face. Wait, what's on the front? That's right. That's the real deal. Yeah. That's the real deal.

Oh my God, some girl in the audience goes, that's big. That's a nice item. And then also a copy of Being John Malkovich and the Beatles' Abbey Road. Fuck yeah, That's a nice item. And then also a copy of Being John Malkovich. And the Beatles' Abbey Road.

Fuck yeah, I have taste. And the Farmer's Almanac. What the fuck is the theme here? A pillow? What do you mean you have taste? You're giving away great stuff. What are you keeping garbage? Or stuff he's done with. Who uses a DVD player?

Look, you can only hear Abbey Road so many times, Doug. But you can watch being John Malkovich forever. Don't throw that on the ground. Halfway through that, I had a seizure, and then I came back, and it didn't matter. I always think that if someone was me, like you can be John Malkovich in that movie, their first surprise would be the hairs

you have to shave in the shower. Weird renegade hairs. Hear me out. Let me ask you this, Pete. I'm just saying, you don't have any weird renegade hairs you're shaving? I asked you specifically to wear a baseball cap. You did? Along with

all the other guests. Come on, dude. Is my head bigger than Pete's? It's going to be so wet. Are we the same size head? You do. You both have giant heads. I'm a travel app for TV shows.

This is my bird impression. Your bird impression is just you a little drunk. That's it. I'm a travel app for TV. I have my own show at night. I couldn't figure out what the damn is there to be told. It's Tuesdays and Thursdays on TV

but nobody watches that so you can see it on the internet but don't worry about it. Teenage. That's hurtful. Not as hurtful as when you tried to shave the renegade hairs off of my fat girlfriend. Fat chick. Does anyone hunger? Still not working? Still not working.

I hunger. I hunger for games. Does anyone hunger for a game? It's weird. There's white chicks, and then there's... This game hunger is catching fire. The audience has spoken. There's white chicks, and then there's the clumps.

But there's no fat chicks. Yeah, that's true. I think we've been through this. You guys, all God's creatures are beautiful. It's dangerous territory. Bail now. Sam? I said all God's creatures are beautiful. That's right. I don't understand. Why is it

bad to be a heavyset woman? We're all heavyset guys. No, no, no. Don't even jump in this. I am in this fire. Let me own it by myself. I will simply chime in if it's really funny. I will never say anything again. Doug, do you want to play the game? It's just fat chicks.

Stop it. It comes back to me every time you bring it up. Doug, when is the last time you've seen Michael Mann's The Heat with Val Kilmer and Robert De Niro and Al Pacino? It's probably been a while. Doug, when was the last time you saw Big Mama's House? I saw Philomena

speak of it in the most picture of the same name. Philomena. I strongly suggest that you watch Heat again because You said The Heat, which is a different movie. Yeah, right. That's the one with the ladies. Speaking of fat chicks! Oh, wow. Fucking too far.

Go fuck yourself. You are dumb. Your book is an institution. I saw Gravity. I loved it. You are an American treasure bird and I'll follow you down this road. I'll fucking, I will own it. You will own it. I just feel like

that joke is sold in Spencer's Gifts next to a t-shirt that says up with mini skirts. I feel like I'm hosting a show called... The lack of view. The bad view. The dumb trucker bar. The thing about heat is... I'm in the wrong bar. Dump truck or bar. Don't assert heat is... I'm in the wrong bar.

Dump truck or bar. Don't assert that you're a smart trucker, Sam. I'm not. Upon a fifth viewing of Heat while I was crying because of heartbreak. I don't even know how to drive a stick. Jesus, Sam. How are the Cubs doing this football season? I'm trying to pour my heart out, okay?

Heat upon a fifth viewing, you find that it's less about a bank heist, and it's more about people who aren't able to be with one another. Val Kilmer has a gambling habit. He's great at what he does, but this comes in between him and a very volatile relationship. I bid seven names.

Robert De Niro. Robert De Niro has a philosophy that he stands by, something that Pete and I can obviously understand. Starring Val Kilmer. That philosophy was... Gentlemen, pick your name tags. Who are you going to play for?

Go out into the audience and take a name tag from a person. Who wants to be on my team? And then bring it back to your seat. Don't just sit there. They have a tombstone poster. That has Val Kilmer in it, too. And it's also about how people... Get up and do it. Go over there, and while you do that, we'll do this. We't just sit there. They have a tombstone poster. That has Val Kilmer in it too, and it's also about how people get up

and do it. Go over there, and while you do that, we'll do this. We'll be right back. And we're back! I could not agree more. And Al Pacino. Who are you playing for, Loudmouth? Is good at what he does. Yeah, don't all answer at once. That gets in the way of his relationship

with a pilled out stone woman who's just trying to be a great mother. Who are you playing for? I'm playing for Megana Dew. Megana Dew? Which is a play on Xanadu. Oh, and it's a skate. It's a skating, because Xanadu's a skating movie.

It's actually, and do I get to keep the skate? No. Why would you want one skate? Hold on. Why would she say you can't have it? It's not the right size. What a weird thing to do. I'm going to bring this so that Hopeful will pick it, but he needs to return it.

It's a speed skate. It is a speed skate. It has a brake on the front. Yep, I was a hardcore speed skater. Well, this bitch moves fast. Don't say bitch or fat chick. It's a good prize bag, but I don't think it's worth trading in a beloved half of your skates. Maybe it's like the end of Alive.

When these skates are together again, we'll be going home. Who are you playing for, weirdo? That's fine. Who are you playing for? The six of you on the internet who got it. Tell us who you're playing for. The same six like my shave a weird hair thing. That's right they do, Pete.

God, you guys are neck and neck, all four of you at this point. I get the report. I just want to make Sam his short jokes. Oh, go for it, buddy. I'm obsessed that you're running for his bastards. What did you put? The guy who got cut out. Okay, so I'm playing for Bobster. No, I got one.

He has a small part. Yeah, nice job. Why did I choose tonight to come? Me too. I don't understand. I mean, I love you. Do you have the other skate? Oh, boy.

And so you're just like, I'm going to bring one of my skates. Why didn't you bring both of the skates? Doug, this is why you need to make it two hours. This is a great fucking podcast. Unreal. Okay, apologies to put your hands together. We get this game going. We're going two hours tonight

I would do two hours on a heartbeat This is fucking chaos This is why people pay for it Is this free or do they pay? Well, this is free if people listen to it But it's certainly why they pay for it I like the idea of somebody listening to it while they're working out on a treadmill And the person on the treadmill next to him is like

Why does that guy's face look so quizzical the entire time? He just doesn't know what's happening. He's trying to think of answers. Yeah. Yeah. Can I tell you the same scenario, but it's an overweight female? Yes. And she's just angry as fuck that I've been saying fat chick this whole time.

Fuck this guy. Fuck that guy. One name. Precious. God damn it. We are fucking falling apart here. Precious wasn't in Precious. Yeah, she was.

That was a documentary. Do you think she had to walk on? Yeah. I think the real Precious was like watching the actress playing Precious run down the street with a bucket of chicken.

And she just looked at her like, what? I want to join you, but there's nothing we can say. You guys, why are you so upset that five fairly unattractive white guys are talking

about anybody in a disparaging way? I don't understand. It's not like we're five models. Are there five of us? There are five of us. There are five of us. You said no, and it made me doubt myself. You said no, and I was like, oh no You said no. I was like, oh, no. It's not like there's five models up here being like, what's with fat women?

It's like the five. I know. It's the four schlubbiest guys you've ever seen, and then a fairly handsome guy. Yeah. Sam is dapper. Thank you, Phil. If you went to the prom with a lady, you're coming in a white tuxedo. That's what I'm saying.

Or in her handbag. All right. I'll see you. Or in her handbag. There it is. Alright, I'll see you. Joke of the night. Walk off. Walk off. Get the fuck out of here. I wish I had the courage. I wish I had the courage. Did you get your vine done or no?

Yeah, make the vine. I didn't even make a vine. Alright. You can do it again. Look at you guys. Why would I? I have no idea. I bid negative one. But I always see your vines and I covet. I want to be in them. Oh, okay. You covet your neighbor's vines?

We'll see if I have enough. I have to have enough juice on my phone to get through the Leonard Mulden game. And if we get through it, then I'll vine. You should turn off Wi-Fi and Bluetooth. Oh, Jesus. Or charge the phone before you host a show. You could also lower Wi-Fi and Bluetooth. Oh, Jesus. Or charge the phone before you host a show. You could also lower

I was doing that frantically lower the brightness. But it just, you know. We're going to need another round of beers. Sometimes there's Are you okay with that? You can have as much as you want.

It's your beer. Hey, what movie are you in that you shave your face like that? It's not a movie. It's a TV program for HBO. What is it? It's Mike Judge's new HBO show, Silicon Valley.

And I actually want to say that the funniest person on the show, Christopher Evan Welch, died three days ago. Suddenly of a heart attack. And so now they're scrambling to rewrite it. And it's been a very difficult experience. But in his memory, I'd like to say, fat bitch has got no reason to live. Fucking love you with all my heart. I'm going to get beers.

I fucking love you so much, TJ. Yeah, it is. I hope. What if that was real? What if that was real? What? Just the part where a good friend of mine died. And then not the part about, because everybody has a reason to live.

That dude was on the leads on the show and just died suddenly. Yeah. That's crazy. It's crazy. And he was the funniest part of the show. How many episodes were in the cast? We filmed six. We're going to film eight. And so there are two more episodes that he was

kind of the epicenter of. But he's in a lot of them. So there's that. There's the legacy or whatever. But it's still fucking horrifying. No, they're not going to reshoot anything, which I like. That's very sad. How did he die? It was a heart attack. How old?

Forty eight. Oh, I'll take it. Why a heart attack? old uh 40 48 i'll take it why heart attack what do you think was going on i don't think anything i saw him a couple days before overweight happy no no he's very svelte and really yeah he seems like he's very happy at a happy family history kind of thing yeah that's me that might be it that's the way i'm going you go to the doctor at a certain age and the doctor says uh cancer i hate to bring it like this, but cancer or heart disease, and I go, heart disease, everyone's died of strokes and heart attack. He's like, oh, that's where you'll die.

So it's just fucking out of nowhere. Why did you even go? Did they roll the chicken bones and go, yes, yes. Did you look into the old lady's eye from Big Fish? Hit it, Doug. It was a movie reference. Anyone else notice that the guy from Frozen looks exactly like Gabbo? Go on.

Also, what kind of businessman is that doctor that he's like, you're probably going to die of heart disease. Do you want to prescribe me anything? He's like, nah, you're dead, man. I come from a long family history of shoots not opening. That's probably how I'll go.

Ha, that is genetic. Don't play shoots and ladders. There's a shoots and ladders reference. His whole family sits around and is like, another fucking ladder. I can't get a goddamn shoot on this board to open up. That is obviously what I meant. Dude, 46 people a year die from shoots not opening.

Is that true? Totally true. That is something you would know. Sam, you're an inglorious bastard. I jump out of planes for a living. Yes. 46 people a year die from shoots not opening, and that is way too high for my comfort zone.

And 10 people a year die from calling them shoots instead of parachutes, and the person that has to listen to them fucking snaps their neck. Fuck you. I'm not opening an asshole. Open the chute. No, fuck you. Call it what it is, a parachute. and the person that has to listen to them fucking snaps their neck. Fuck you, I'm not opening an asshole. Open the chute.

No, fuck you. Call it what it is, a parachute. It's a canapete. Canapete? You're the only person I know that could hear the word canapete and make it about yourself. Hold on, you're trying to say canapete? Hold on, you could can my essence and sell it?

I wish we could do a live vote during the course of the show. Don't do it. You guys are all fierce competitors in the most horrible guest competition. You can put Sam in a NyQuil caplet, but you can't can a piece. Jesus God. That was a good one. It wasn't because no can would... You'd have to get a jar for you.

Or a barrel. He's not large, but he's not the size of a pill. He couldn't sleep inside of a pill. A horse pill, maybe. No. What about a NyQuil bottle? Over, under, on the table, does Sam weigh more than my wife? I need to see your wife.

Wait, do I have to get under the table? And your wife is dying for us to know, right? She's had two children. Over, under. Sam? I think Sam weighs less than your wife. I think I weigh less than your wife. I think Sam weighs more than your wife.

I think Sam weighs 120 and your wife weighs 128. I think Sam weighs 125 and your wife weighs 435. And I think it's giving you a complex and you project your unhappiness in your own relationship on women in general and the misogyny has nothing to do with you being malicious. I think Sam weighs more

than your wife. Sam, your weight is? As of right now, I... No, no, Tell us in a couple minutes. Hold on. Let's see. I'll wait for it. You got a shit storm brewing? Kill these beers and tell us.

It's going to be a long night, buddy. He's going to lose water weight. I weigh 124 pounds. What did I say? I said 125. I said 125. You were both way off. What'd I say? What'd I say? You said 128. I said 125. Okay. You were both way off.

He's just 124. What's your wife weigh? Sam? Yeah, buddy? I fuck chicks fatter than you. God damn right you did. And it's great. I have low bone density.

That's my problem. 130. She's a fucking woman. 130? Yeah, she's 130. What kind of cow? Let me tell you something. The kind of cow I like banging.

Here's the thing about a woman like that. Let me back up real quick and just enjoy the fact that Bird was like, I'll tell you what kind of cow she is. The kind of cow I like to fuck. I just imagine a farmer. That's a farmer's final point in an argument. The farmer is like, what kind of

cow is this you sold me? He's like, I'll tell you what kind of cow. The kind of cow I like to fuck. And the other farmer's like, I'll tell you what kind of cow. The kind of cow I like to fuck. And the other farmer's like, very well. I'll go with the asparagus peak category. It's been a tough harvest. You're right. It is a sexy cow.

I'll take it. Oh, I wish you were following. You were here the whole show. Asparagus peak. How am I supposed to feel after that comment? Jump right to it. I'm not enough for you. I did that whole thing.

Like a fucking can of peat that went bad. What are these beers? They look like sitcom fake beers. Doug, as you know, the only thing more frustrating to me than having to play the Leonard Maltin game with four players is not getting to play the Leonard Maltin game. I know. I'm kind of excited at your frustration.

And the only thing more frustrating than having to listen to somebody talk about their frustrations about playing the Leonard Maltin game with a certain number is you. Sam, you... I was going to be very impressive. I was going to repeat everything that you said and then also make a... TJ, you have the most frustrating face, that's for sure.

Your... Your facial hair makes me feel like I don't even know you i have like you are deep in character with the people to people listening at home i have two strips i have a beard but two strips are shaved off so it's like giant mutton chops it's like sons of anarchy shit it is at home or does the hair and makeup department do that for you i mean they do but when i go home i i look like, I look into a woman's eyes and I say,

are you ready to be fucked by a guy who looks like he sells meth in a biker gang? And I also look like the kind of guy who says, hey, you want to smoke weed?

And you're like, yeah. And he's like, cool, you got any? You look like you got shot by Walter White's car gun. By his what? Spoiler alert. By his car gun?

If you're not followed up, you're not a real fan. I'm looking at the average weight for a woman to see a fit, Sam. Sam, you are... Never mind, let's go. He's under the weight of the average woman. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're always, quote unquote, technically, I apologize for saying it already.

How big is your spirit, though, Sam? It's also very small. No, no, no. Sam, your spirit soars. But I do want to ask, do you seek out smaller women? He has to. He doesn't have to. What the fuck are you talking about?

No, he can't. No. I'm sorry, I'm No, he can't. No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sam, please answer the question. I've got 20% power on my phone.

You guys, all of God's creatures are beautiful. Put it on airplane mode. Do you seek out women that are taller than you, or are you okay with dating a woman that's a little bit taller than you? You can swipe up for me. I have absolutely no problem if women are taller than me. What's the tallest woman you've dated or the largest height difference? I'll accept this line of questioning.

Wow. all right. I dated a girl who was just under six feet tall. So she was 5'11"? She was 5'11". And how tall are you? I'm just under 5'5". That's your biggest battery size. You're 5'5"?

Stop talking, I'm listening to this. She was six inches taller than you? Yeah. Did you ever get on a milk carton and just French the fuck out of her? Like, did you ever stand on something else and just dominate her? Because I've done the reverse of that. And we're back.

I dated a girl who's five times. Wow, that was a long commercial. And I got under a milk carton. And I died. Fucking. I am fascinated by this conversation. I missed it. This might be the best one I've ever been on, and I've. Fucking. I am fascinated by this conversation. I missed it. This might be the best one

I've ever been on and I've ruined a couple. That almost made it what you're saying. By a couple you mean all of them? Yes. If we get a huge

applause you know Jeff Garland is right behind us. I'm just saying if you found like a small collection of water in the woods and there were several

old books soaking in the woods and there were several old books Soaking in the water ready. That's what beer tastes like. It doesn't taste good. You're gonna say that's what we are Do you fucking know there's nothing good in there, but they feel valuable, right? I'm begging you bring them home Book in the woods. You're a wet book in the woods. That's how you break up with somebody. Let's all kill a beer. Let's all kill a beer. Sam, let's all kill a beer.

Are you sober? You're sober. Yeah, tonight. Oh, Jesus. Samuel. That was kind of a weird. Samuel, let's be a man. Let's all kill a beer.

Samuel, come on. That was kind of a cool, weird way to say it. Be a man. Be a man. There's nothing like that kind of horrible peer pressure. He's under the weather, dude. He's under the weather. Are you sick, Samuel?

No, I'm not well. I'll take it then. You take that back. He's got a fever for the Leonard Moulton game. All right, let's all play this game. Are we going to check a beer? Yeah, you want to do it? Yeah, why would you write the check and not cash it?

All right, I would like to make this. Hey, TBS did the same thing. Bottoms up. That was really good. That was really, really good. TJ, you really are a master. It's relevant. Someday someone's going to write a book about you. And someday I'm going to find it in a pond in the woods.

Guys, cheers. Cheers. Sam. I know listening at home, this isn't what it is to us. Happy December 3rd. We did it. Bert, do you realize you just told all the listeners at home? Thanks for listening to us.

I know what it is. It was to us. What? I thought we were all going to kill it like hockey players. I were all gonna kill it Like hockey players Like hockey players You had a You tried to call my bluff but you were wrong Let's kill another one

Fuck it who gives a fuck Let's fucking be grown ups You're a parent I am a parent I'll make the king of pancakes category I'll take your movies with my kid Oh god Why are we willing to be parents

I wonder Do you ever hold your kid They're fucking 9 and 7 No I'm sorry Sam I didn't mean to do this to you, Sam. Don't take your pillow. Someone go back in the green room.

Pick him up and bring him back. No, he's staying in the crowd. He's in the crowd. He didn't do a full leave. He didn't do a full leave. Okay. What were you saying? Beer tastes like ear infection medicine.

When have you been drinking ear infection medicine? You get a sense from the smell. It's flavor. Yeah, you've tongued a girl's ear where you're like, something's wrong in there. Yes, I have, Bert. I have every time I'm tonguing a girl's ear, and I'm like, something's in here.

It tastes like beer, but I don't think it is. You know, Pete, when I was on your program... You were great. Oh, thank you. I had a great time doing it. You were there also. No, it was fun. But I brought up Gulliver and the Lilliputians.

And you were like, no, that's one of my Quaker don't know it things. Yep. Went to Quaker school. Which was fine. That's interesting you don't know that. Because you seem to have missed the fact that your friend T.J. Miller

recently was an actor in a motion picture. Oliver's Travels! Yeah! About those very characters that I, that I, that I referenced. It wasn't like I pulled

some old Dickens shit out of nowhere. I haven't, I haven't. I mentioned a movie that your friend was just in very recently. Friend is a strong word. Let me ask you this though. I don't think you haven't

seen Gulliver's Travels, have you? I have. Thank you. He has babies. Have you seen it? No. Have you seen Yogi Bear 3D? Yes. How to Train Your Dragon? How to Train Your Dragon? Yes. She's out of my league. Yes. Wait for the premiere. Oh, by the way, hold the way, by the way, hold on, stop.

Cloverfield. Best actor in Hollywood is the brother from She's Out of Your League. That's true. He's fucking amazing. That guy is so fucking real. Yeah, he's fucking amazing. One of the best. My Idiot Brother.

It's not fair, TJ. You have so many movies. You guys, I had a nap over there, and I had a dream during the nap that we played the Leonard Maltin game for four hours. We're drinking some Leonard Maltin beer. That's a can of Pete. Do you want to know what the trifecta of laughter is?

Hearing Pete laugh, watching TJ get ready to laugh, and then you feel it happening. Pete... This is so much fun. I know. Why don't we hang out more? I don't know! TJ, you're right. We could be better friends. No, we are great friends,

Pete. I just... It's now... I haven't seen even one episode of your show. Oh, I've seen all of them. Ask me. I'll tell you about them. Okay, what was the third one like? The third one was good. He was doing, that's when you started firing the X-Men. Yeah, it's actually really funny. I think it's great.

I'm afraid to watch it. That's how good of friends we are. I'm nervous to watch it. I want to apologize to all the DLM listeners who saw my name in the scroll line for this episode. It was like, oh, it's going to be a Leonard Long game where Sam gets upset. I'll put it in parentheses name withheld. Sam, Sam,

your name is not going to be in the scroll. I'm going to be Alan Smithy on this one. Alan Smithy. I think we can do one really quick round. I feel confident. The devil wears Prada. Pete is our winner. He's the worst guest.

I'll tell you what. Can we do it this way? I'm honored. Sam loves it so much. Can we go three versus one? Yeah. What does that mean? Three versus one.

Three versus one. Sam's a champion in this. I just redeemed myself on this whole show the entire time. Are we going to chug this beer like weird? Let's chug it like fucking grownups at a fucking high school football game. Cheers. Three on one, guys. To Gandalf the White, may we all return as glorious.

Don't say white. That's racist. They're all drinking. Ah. Ah. Ah, I can't believe I drank that whole thing. Here we go. Another mountain game.

Three versus one. Yeah, one category. One category. We start with Sam. He gets one. Yeah, one category. One category. We start with Sam. He gets to... It tastes like old lady's hair. Did you finish your beer even? I did.

He did, like a big boy. I think he's got an ear infection. Wow, you guys. We are real fucking alcoholics. Sorry, grown-ups. Grown-ups. It tastes like the Dewey Decimal System. Now I can only get the image of you in a library being like,

yeah. Just licking each other. It tastes like hose water from Nicaragua. They don't have hoses down there. It's called a well. They also don't have that type of pronunciation, does it? Here's the category, Sam. Okay, buddy. It's us against you, Sam. All of us against you.

Remember when you interrupted? You guys get to confer, but whisper to each other. Don't say it out loud. Microphones, wait for me. you, Sam. That's all of us against you. Remember when you interrupted? You guys get to confer, but whisper to each other. Don't say it out loud. Microphones, wait for me. No, microphone's in. Oh, no, he can hear us. I want to be at your house when you read stories to your children. I read them like Sam Kinison.

Oh, baby, the balloon is going down! Oh, categories. You don't get choices. I'm playing for Jessica. I don't get choices. You're going to tell me What the category is We've got to wrap this up In one minute

Alright buddy We're playing for Megan and Dan I'll do a vine If you're not going to do it Yeah you can do one That's the weirdest Drugged nerd Alright I'll do a vine

If you don't want to do it You freaking asshole Hey you don't want to do a vine I'll take it I'll fucking vine this shit If you're not going to vine This shit Somebody's got a vine

Hit me in the vine. I'll do the vine. Show the beers. Show the beers. 10,000 rebinds. I'm going to put the caption Doug wouldn't vine it. So, let's put some gambling

on this now. If we beat Let's put some gambling on this. If we beat Samuel, if we beat Sam, Sam has to get naked on stage. I'm already naked. Let's put some

money. Let's put some gambling on it. You speak better than I do right now. If we win, P. Holmes gets to hold Sam Levine like a baby. Oh, fuck. I like that. And if I win,

I have to hold Pete Holmes like a baby. Oh. Can you handle it? That's a lose-lose situation. If you win, you get to stand on this table and French kiss me. And play with my dick a little bit.

Just kidding. You'll probably win. If you win. If he wins, the three of us will get shirtless in a pyramid style and Sam can stand on our backs. I don't want to subject the crowd to that nonsense. Why would you want to get on your back? No, no, no. Hey, no, no.

Hey, so we gave him the thing. So, Sam, if you win, then what happens? Oh, yeah. What do you want to get on your back? Hey, so we gave him the thing, so Sam, if you win, then what happens? What do you want? Here's what happens. If I win the game, as soon as it's over, the three of you are not allowed to utter another word. You just have to walk off the stage. Oh, I thought you were going to say would never be allowed to ask.

That works for me. I like that. Okay. That's a perfect prize for me. No word. I like that. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say that word. That's a perfect prize for me. No more words if you win. All right.

Beer tastes like the bottom of an old lady's purse. We're a team. We're a team like the Bad News Bears. Beer tastes like at a barbershop when you sweep up all the miscellaneous hair if you just smelled that hair. It's not a good job. Good God, man. Why are you smelling so many things?

First of all, you're smelling so many things that you think smell like beer. You could just smell beer. I have to find the comparison. Are we going to get fucked up after this? Nah. You got to work for us? I got to work, but also Sam and I were going to go finish

off an entire Arrowhead. What do you mean you got to work? No, Sam and I were going to go finish off an entire Arrowhead. What do you mean you've got to work? No, Sam and I were going to go finish off an entire Arrowhead water cooler. What do you mean you've got to work? I like that joke. Wait, I don't get it. You're not going back to the set. He's not drinking. I just pictured

him inside the sales cabinet. We would go and stand around the water cooler and I'd be like, what did you think of that game? And he'd be like, shut up.

I'd be like, okay. All right, Sam, here's the category. I can't wait. No, there's a party. You have a gun. I guess you're

going to have to wait. I don't like that. Sorry, guys. Hey, Douglas, please start. Weird British moment.

Sorry, guys. Douglas, please start. My category. That's his idea of being polite. I'm like, are you Douglas? Weird British moment Sorry guys Douglas please stop That's his idea of being polite Can I just point out that I grabbed your arm And said here you have big muscles And he goes I work out Can I point out that I love that you detract us From playing the game

Those of you listening to this And getting frustrated I want you to know in real life It is so much worse. Sam. IRL. People are like, where's the fucking game? They are.

They are. You've obviously not heard the podcast. But Sam, what about the people that are listening and they're like, they're like, oh, to all you listeners that are listening, you're like, Jesus, Sam's being very anal about the game, and it seems like three other people are having a great time, and all the audience is into it. Three other people.

Three other people, Samuel. Samuel, if you'd listen, you'd be a better actor because you'd be able to react. My station tubes are full of mucus. I can't hear anything. Samuel, here's what you need to do. You need to hear what we're saying. What? Who's talking?

I have no idea. To all the people that are frustrated that Sam and Doug are pushing the game so much, let me just say, I I apologize and in real life it's even worse. I work out in my van cave. We don't hang out with me not insisting on playing some sort of game. You work out when you're drunk?

Yeah, of course. It feels better. It's like I turn on your show and work out! I work out! It's weird that when Bert gets really excited his register goes so high that only dogs are like, sounds like someone's having fun. I work out, you're so drunk, I swear to God. I work out, your movie's drunk.

Oh my God, can you imagine being on this show? I have your phone number, and I choose not to hang out with you. That's absurd. It's a mistake, man. It's a mistake. Dude. The category is

Scott Pilgrim Plantation, movies in which Michael Cera eats turkey. I'm the fucking best. That was fantastic. That was an A+. That was an A+. What does eating turkey have to do with anything? Pilgrim plantation, like pilgrims. Sure, okay.

Scott Pilgrim versus the... Yeah. You know what? Go ahead, Doug. Michael Mann's... Say the whole thing again. What was the whole thing? Scott Pilgrim Plantation

such a good movie uh huh movies where Michael Sarah eats turkey and which movies would those be how many names and Pete has

turned the tables on the master what's that phrase what's that phrase what's that phrase what's that phrase is there a single movie where you know

that he's eating turkey absolutely I don't think there is. How many names? I love it! Please tell me you have a name. I wish I knew a movie. All right.

In general. You know, TJP, teaming up, that's not how you win. He's right. Yeah, Bert is way out in the lead right now. So you guys need to play as individuals. Wait, hold on. Are we really playing the real game or us against Sam?

No, we're playing the most terrible, awfulest guest. Oh, no, no, no. I want to be on their teams, then. There's no teams. I like what's happening now. There's no teams. I know these people don't,

and I apologize for that, but I love this. No, here's the problem. It's all of you fucking east side pieces of trash. Come to these goddamn shows expecting some sort of hilarious thing and you don't even pay more than $5 when really you should realize that this is a piece...

It's free? It's free. It's free. You motherfuckers. Put that in a ringtone! This is a piece of performance art. If you can't appreciate it for that, then you shouldn't fucking live in Silver Lake.

You should live in Hollywood with the rest of us that give a fuck about making it through the next day. Amen, TJ. I'm sitting next to fucking fuck fat chicks and hipster trash. I can't relate to anybody. Dude, just because you're on a Christian network doesn't mean you can't say you're on a Christian network.

No, now you guys like me, I still don't like you. I love it. The category is... I was going to say... Now you guys like me, I still don't like you. I love it. The category is... I threw him in my mouth! I got another fake category. I threw him in my mouth! I threw him in my mouth!

He threw up in his mouth. He threw up in his mouth. Yeah, no. Everybody that's here, everybody that's here. I threw him in my mouth Yeah, no Everybody that's here Everybody that's here I threw up in my mouth Not yours Shut up for a second

Shut up Start Everyone that's here The category Please tweet about how funny this is When you're here in person Oh my god Because people listening to this

Are going to hate it And I want them to know how Like when Bird laughs like that There's nothing funnier Oh, they fucking hate it online. If you're here, if you're in the room. The category is... I'm so close to saying the name of this category.

The category is Magnolia Bakery. It's movies where Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tom Cruise, and Juliette Lewis eat a cupcake. What does Juliette Lewis have to do with Magnolia? Wait, did I say the wrong Juliette? Julianne Moore you meant. The category is Brad, It's the Pits. Movies in which Brad Pitt is... Works out.

Why'd I talk over you? You had it, I'm sorry. God, I can't think of one. It's called Spider-Men. It's movies where Tobey Maguire and the other one are in the same movie. The other one? Are you a bad person?

This is for you, Pete. This is for you, Pete. This is for you, Pete. This is for you, Pete. When you're watching it with Tobey Maguire and you can see his reflection in the film. For you. Yep.

For you. That should be your choice. The category is Jesse Eisenberger's Not For You, TJ. Not For You. That is great. Leonardo DiCaprio. Movies that women have been in with Leonardo DiCaprio that they've also starred in.

I was going to say movies where Leonardo DiCaprio has a three-way. At Sweet Pete suggested. Wash my damn towels. Yes. And that's movies that take place in a hotel. Okay. Ooh, 1945. Let's do it. Let's do it. Sam, how many? Don't do it. Three names. I place in a hotel. Okay. Ooh, 1945. Let's do it.

Let's do it. Sam, how many? Don't do it. Three names. We need some more info. Okay. Sorry. I got excited.

You get to pick a year. Okay. Would you like a movie that takes place, you know, to a great extent in a hotel from 19... To a great extent. 1996. It was also 92. Would you like 92

or 96? 92. I'll take 96. 96 he says Alright this movie from 1996 Leonard gives it

two and a half stars he says it's easy to take I bet Leonard Maltin which is like one of the things you want to say on your first or second day in prison Yeah I was going to say that's what he said I'd watch a movie where Leonard Malt second day in prison. Yeah, I was going to say that's what he said after the first episode.

I'd watch a movie where Leonard Maltin was in prison. Thumbs down. Wrong guy. Sorry? You know what? You joined me in the failure canoe and it was so lonely. He says one of the actors in the movie does a Terry Thomas homage.

I almost said homage. Don't know who that guy is at all. Homage. Terry Thomas. But do you know what homages are? He's British, had a gap between his teeth, and was in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. Homage. I've said too much.

He lists... 17. Nine names. Sam in the machine. Nine names, Sam. You know if you give it to us, we're taking it. I like that you interrupted him on the number of names. Nine names, Sam. You know if you give it to us, we're taking it. I like that you interrupted him on the number of names.

19 names. Pete is just really in host mode these days. He's got to run the shot. This is Sam's time to shine. End of the mic, Sam, please. Did you bring a clip? I'm going to say eight names, Tom

Eight names Eight names, not feeling so good 1992 96 Out of nine, you said? Yeah, eight out of nine Oh, okay TJ, what are you going to do with that?

Wait, what year is this movie? He said 92 Yeah, but I mean It's 96 because there was two choices TJ, what are you going to do with that? Wait, what year is this movie? He said 92. Yeah, but I mean, I'm not going to take that. It's 96 because there was two choices. And Samuel is 96. 96, real quick, go around the block. Where were you at 90, 96? I was my second junior year at Florida State.

I was a sophomore in high school, but I was high as fuck. High school? Me too! Doug, can I change my bid to negative one? I was a junior in high school wearing khakis and thinking I was going to be a youth pastor. Oh, we got this. Let me take our bid. I'm going to take our bid.

I know where they were. I know where I was. I'm going to say four. Is it VeggieTales? Wow. Four. We got this. We got this.

Four. Samuel, can you beat us with four? Jim can beat us all. He says four. Oh, yeah, name that movie. Did you hear the part where... Fucking shit. I hope to God they play this at church camp for you, Pete.

Name that movie. That was great. Sam dropped his mic. Did you hear the part where Sam wanted to bid really low? And then it almost fell off and he grabbed it. No, I did. He bid out of turn. But trust me, they were in a time where you watched movies.

I was not. Hey, name that movie. Wait, I'm on your team. The three of you have to come up with this. You get one guess between you, so don't blurt out answers. I'm not going to be blurting shit. It's the year before Good Will Hunting came out. You get four names. Four years

before I got my first H.J. Right? That was your bid? Four names? I think we said seven. Four. We said four. Did you? I did. Here's your four names, dude. Someone watching an old reel-to-reel film in the back? No, it's my...

I'm snapping. The lights are flickering like it's a motion picture. Thank you, Doug. That was good. Sam, you will have to be held like a baby by Pete. Shirtless. Jennifer Bassi. I don't know her. Nathan Davis. shirtless. Jennifer Jennifer Bassey.

Don't know her. Nathan Davis. Glenn Shaddix. Ooh, the Shadd. Paul Rubens. Oh, bitch! You know exactly what this is. Stop, Doug. That's four. It's gotta be.

It's gotta be. It's the one he was in. All right, let's do it. You want to do it? Yeah. Say it if you know it. You want to get together and huddle it up? Mike's on the table. Mike's on the table. What's up? Okay, okay, okay.

We got it, we got it, we got it. I'm going to stretch. Take your hat off and start taking your shirt off. Pete, stretch it out. Ladies and gentlemen, our answer is... TJ, you deal it. You deal it. I'm going to kill a beer while we do this.

Four rooms. Wait, what's your answer? Four rooms with Tim Roth? But if you had a chance to think about it, would you still say that? No. What do we call it? Four Rooms with a View? Four Rooms with a Funeral?

Because the answer is Dunstan Checks In. Not a word! Sam is our winner! Dunstan Checks In? Who the fuck's Dunstan? Is that the monkey? No! Who the fuck's Dustin?

Is that the monkey? I was prepared to jump into your arms. You are not honoring your end of the deal. No words, no words. No words, those are words. Nicely done, Sam. Thank you, sir. Can you come back two weeks and participate in the 12 or more

guests of Christmas? Goddamn right I will. Yeah! Next week I got some special shit planned that should be pretty fun. Matthew Labonte was in. Thank you. What are you guys talking about? What are you talking about? What's happening? We're trying to figure out what Dunstan checks in is. Don't worry about it.

Dunstan Checks In, Jason Alexander. Oh, yeah, guys, if you want to see Bert somewhere, just Google Bert Kreisler and you'll find it. No, Bert and Pete and I are all going to be together on New Year's Eve at the Rob Hill Masonic Temple in San Francisco, California. That's it. With Moshe and Natasha? Natasha.

I'm here also. No way, really? Yeah, I think so. T.J. Miller's added to the lineup? Can you believe it? It's like thinking it was four rooms and said it's Dunson checks in. There's only so many movies that take place in hotels. What's up, buddy?

I'm not speaking in the mic out of respect for you. Yeah. Please speak into the mic out of respect to everyone. We're not supposed to, Doug. By the way, I just got laughed by saying nothing, which should have been my game plan this whole fucking show. I appreciate you guys. Yeah, you got to think this show through.

Next time you go on a podcast, just don't say anything the whole time. Doug, when is it air? You'll kill it. When is this air? Now. Is it live streaming? No, but everyone that's listening to it is listening to it right now. That's deep, bro.

That's really deep. It's super deep shit. You know what? I tried to roll the skate back to her, but it fucking went left. I don't think you need that shit. It's broken. Can I only be brought back when TJ and Peter are here? Because that energy

makes me so happy. Sam, I love you too. I love you, buddy. Let's just do foursies. I only want to be brought back when it's just Sam and I, because I like the energy of why the fuck aren't we playing the game? I'm just under the energy of like, why the fuck aren't we playing the game? I'm just, I'm just under the weather

tonight. I apologize. Drugs. The category is Mission Impossible's three companies. Let's play another, let's play another

Kenner, Kenner, Kenner, Moulton. We've, we've really, Leonard, Leonard Moulton,

let's, hey! I love, my favorite part of the show is when Bert Kreisler was like when he was like hey everybody listen to this you weren't here

this isn't real for me I really regret that I was 100% ready to jump into Pete Holmes arms well then do it Sam Levine Sam you know what you're all about fucking moments Pete get up.

Pete, get up. Hey, wait. How do we razzle dazzle it? What do we do? What do we do to make it happen? Let's do a play by the book. Let's do a play by the book. Hey, let's try to create a viral picture... Here's how it happens.

...where Sam gets into Pete's arms shirtless. You gotta be shirtless. You gotta be shirtless. What do you mean shirtless? Not shirtless. Not shirtless. I jump into Pete Holmes' arms. Thunderous applause.

Show over. Hold on. Hold on. No. I gotta do the shithits. TJ, what's your name tag? Oh, there we go. I tried to

roll it back to her. Hey, guys, guys, guys. I'm going to be the heads up on Hollywood. Where's the winner? Who are you playing for, Sam? I was playing for Bob. Okay. Here's what we need. We're going to crowd source. Sam, if you are shirtless and Pete is shirtless, we have a video. We're going to crowd source this. Here's what's going to happen. As Sam jumps into Pete's arms,

everybody's going to take a picture at a different point. Then they're all going to tweet Doug Benson with the picture, and we're going to make a flip book of Sam Levine jumping into Pete Holmes' arms. Shirtless! Shirtless! It has to be shirtless! You know this! Bert Kreischer is really pushing the shirtless thing.

Alright, I will tell you what. I will be standing off to the side, and I will be ripping my shirt off the entire time. Perfect. In the flip book, that is what draws your eye is me going shirtless. Now, look around you. Look at the people around you. Don't take the picture at the same time they do.

But don't be the person that waits too late to take the picture. We've got to find our stage. Where are we going to be? The category. All right, here we go. This whole side, take your shots. It's like a wave of photographs, okay?

Everybody put on your flashes. You're going to fuck it up. I'll be in Irvine and Sacramento in between Christmas and New Year's. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is up to you to crowdsource. Everybody got it? Everybody focus up. Hold on. Doug, Doug, Doug,

finish your plugs. That was it. Okay, ready? Alright. Watch the Pete Holmes show. Let's do a 10 count. Silicon Valley coming out in March Also Transformers 4 and Search Party Please see Search Party Alright, and Bert Kreisler Yeah, New Year's Eve

Watch Sam Levine in Do No Harm, good luck Ten You went too early Ten, nine, eight, seven Five Three, two Ten, nine, eight, seven, eight, nine, three, two, go! Everybody, everybody,

the jams! Yeah! It didn't work. It seems like you guys took pictures too late. Thanks, you guys. Thank you. TJ Miller,

Bert Kreischer, Pete Holmes, Sam the Man Levine, a.k.a. Little Wolverine. Thank you, everybody. We'll see you in two weeks, Sam. The category is We'll see the rest of you guys

next year. Identity shirts. Thank you, Pete. Thanks, Pete. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Shirtless Bert looks kind of like a That was good. That was really good. Thanks, you guys. Thank you, TJ. Sorry, everybody.

As always. As always. As always. Pastor Knack is a shithead. I didn't even get a laugh from the person who suggested it. Dead actors are a shithead. Yeah, fuck them for being dead.

Dumb dead actors. And, most importantly, heart disease is a shithead. Now it's time for Dope to Bump with Dr. Bump. Most importantly, heart disease is a shithead.