Doug Loves Movies - Posehn, Dwyer, Elwood, Tompkins Guest

Episode Date: April 19, 2007

Doug and his favorite past guests discuss 'Grindhouse,' make fun of Frank Whaley, and play 'Leonard Maltin' one last time.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, squeaky babies, sticky seeds With 50 acid popper kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hey, hey everybody, thanks for coming out to I Love Movies. I'm Doug Benson, and I love movies. Somebody sent me a MySpace message today saying they think that the theme song that they're saying,

Doug loves boobies. And they wouldn't be wrong. Welcome to what could be the final I Love Boobies Ever Boo yay mixed reaction At least for now The home of I Love Boobies For the past 27 episodes

Handheldcomedy.com Is closing up shop After valiantly trying to bring Quality audio entertainment To an exceedingly visual world. I wrote this last week and now I'm reading it out loud and it's better

than I thought it was going to be. This show might return on another site someday, but for now I'd like to say thanks to everyone at Handheld, to everyone at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles where the shows have been presented in front of live audiences.

Thank you to the live audiences for coming out to these shows. And thanks to all of my guests, four of which I've invited to appear on this season or possibly series finale because I don't want to go out with a whimper. I want to go out with a group of whimpers. Multiple guests.

All of my guests today are audience favorites whose previous appearances were rated. You know, there's little smiley face ratings you could leave on handheld. And all of these people were rated five out of five smiley faces for their previous appearances, except for Bill Dwyer.

Please welcome Paul F. Tompkins, Graham Elwood, Brian Posehn, and Bill Dwyer, ladies and gentlemen. It's a mother-grabbing dream team. Oh, Bill,

you had to sit right next to me? Yeah, put a space between me and you, Bill. Sit one over. Brian, sit next to me. I like the quiet one next to me. That's good.

Graham Elwood's already doing a spit take or a keeping it all in spit take, which is always spectacular. The not any water coming out spit take. Pick up your microphone. Talk into it. Hello. Hello. I get it. So

for those of you listening at home or on your car or on the plane. Or at the gym. Yeah, it's another great place. Or on an airplane. To listen to Graham Elwood taking off. Nobody that listens to this show goes to the gym. Graham is taking off masking tape sideburns.

Bill Dwyer had half a masking tape mustache. Sounded like kind of a fun bit that Brian and Paul refused to participate in. No, no, no. Paul started it and then bailed on it immediately. It was Paul's idea. He was the one handing around the masking tape.

As soon as he said sorry, he's like, well, this is stupid. Took his jazz beard off. Hold on a second. Was I wrong, ladies and gentlemen? So on the last show, Paul Scheer was here with me

and he went off on about Firehouse Dog and just how much he fucking loves it. I bet you got a lot of letters. And he hadn't seen it yet. That's the only way to love that movie. Yeah, that's the perfect way to love it. Sight unseen.

Just like, the trailer's great. Let's leave it at that. We'll talk about Grindhouse in a second. He had sunglasses. But he got a post on his blog by Mike Werb, producer and co-writer of Powerhouse Dog. Could you say the name again? Mike Werb.

Mike Werb. And Mike Werb said, I write this movie. Yeah, he sounds like a talking dog. He's wearing sunglasses. Why is that the the accepted voice? Why is that the accepted voice for a talking dog? Did somebody figure out, like, well, if dogs could talk, they'd only be able to form words so well.

Yeah, they talk like a three-year-old. Yeah, taking into consideration the shape of their mouths and how they... Their tongue is all over the place. It's hard. It's like when immigrants come here and learn to speak English by watching TV. Dogs learn by watching Scooby-Doo. Right.

So here's what Mike Werb wrote. Werb. Mike Werb. He wrote Werb up? I said Werb up and then Doug said Werb to your mother. I particularly enjoyed your rant about Wurb up He wrote Wurb up? Did you just say Wurb up? I said Wurb up And then Doug said

Wurb to your mother I particularly enjoyed Your rant about The dog's toupee And that the dog Just wasn't cuddly Because those are Two things you don't

Expect in a dog movie Is for the dog To have a toupee And be unpleasant To look at Why are you saying Why are you saying The dog has a toupee

As if everyone Accepts that as a thing That can happen You can't just Gloss over that The dog wears a toupee as if everyone accepts that as a thing that can happen? You can't just gloss over that. We talked to Paul Scheer and talked about it endlessly. That's why he ends up being a firehouse dog, Paul. Because he's got a toupee? That doesn't make sense.

He's a motion picture star. The dog? A stunt goes awry and he lands in some garbage and they lose track of where he went and his toupee falls off. Stop saying it! So the people at the firehouse, they adopt him thinking he's just some ugly mutt that they're doing a favor.

Turns out he's the biggest star in the planet. Hold on a second. Point of order. The toupee is not just part of the story. The toupee is a story in itself. Why would a dog have a toupee? I know. You think the movie would be called Toupee Dog.

Stop saying it like that explains it. No, in the movie. That still makes no sense. I side with Mr. Tomkits here. Thank you. But haven't you ever... You've seen a dog where you've gone, that'd be a cute dog if it had a little work done

or if it had... No! No! Does it have a bald spot in the movie? Come on, fix that dog. They're all... Yeah, you're on. They're all just not that hot.

They're not super hot because then we'll get feedback. We'll get that whiny... We'll get that Graham Elwood sound. You're not going to use your stand. I'll use it. There's only one mic stand out here, and Paul likes to use it. Some sort of confirmation hearing. I always like that. Mr. Chairman.

We're about to announce a prize fight between Bill Dwyer and Graham Elwood. Which we almost had. Yeah, we almost had. And you know what? I'm glad it didn't happen because I think you would have dusted me. You would have absolutely taken me down. You guys were going to fight each other? Because Graham Elwood has a lot of anger inside him.

Shut up! He does. And he just got fired from a job and I was bad mouthing him when I was rolling in there not realizing and he was going to take me down he wanted to that was an internet job that news thing?

yeah did you work $500 a week how did anybody have the nerve to bad mouth anybody on that? could somebody work in a reference to movies? well it's me oh yeah wow when you guys worked together it was like Ron Howard's The Paper.

Yes, yes. It was like Glenn Close and Robert Duvall at Loggerheads. No, it was like Glenn Close and Michael Keaton fighting to stop the... We gotta stop the thing. You actually know anything about the content of that movie is both impressive and saddening. That movie spoke a lot about how to make a newspaper.

Was Michael Keaton in that? Not as much as Newsies. Jesus. I beg your pardon. Jesus, he was the star. Michael Keaton, super fan. Was he in Jackie Brown? He was the star.

He was the star of Jackie Brown. He had a small part in that, Graham. He was a star and a dog wears a toupee. You really gotta get that. Mike Warb continued to write, by the way... That's hot and this isn't hot.

It's hot. They're still fighting about their microphones. It's like if Paris Hilton got cloned, that's what the argument would be. That mic is hot. It's hot.

That's not hot. That's hot. It's hot. That was so not hot. That was so hot 10 minutes ago. I propose... It's not hot That's hot It's hot That was so not hot That was so hot 10 minutes ago I propose It's not hot

Come on Mike Warp is gonna listen to this Come on Warp But it's on Warp is a Warp Mike Warp Mike Warp I propose calling the film

One Strange Dog But that went nowhere As is our box office Apparently Wow Warp Firehouse Dog Is not doing well is our box office, apparently. Wow. Word. Firehouse dog is not doing well at the box office? Sad.

Sad words. Mike Wurb doesn't know the secret. I know. If he had taken out a picture of his movie succeeding. Yes. Yes. And looked at it. Or at least thought about it succeeding.

Something. Think about it. Instead of sitting around going, let's call him one strange dog. Being a big mope. Yeah, he should have written a check to himself for $1 million. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. That's what the box office is doing. Ladies and gentlemen, good night.

Mike, he should be worried about these. I want to go into a bank with a check to myself for $1 million and tell him my story. The bank of the universe says that I get a million dollars. And a bunch of dirty hippies from Australia say that I get a million dollars. Oh, I'm the only one who's read The Secret. Well, fuck you, audience. You actually read it? Yes, I watched the DVD.

What does any of what you were saying have to do with it? I've read some of it. You watched the whole DVD? My mom sent it to me. It's like two hours, right? Once a year, I get a new self-help collection from my mom. I got the seven habits of highly successful people

11 years ago. Did you watch the whole thing because you thought there was going to be a twist at the end? Like you turned out you're dead while you're watching it? That's how they tell you you're dead? That's the secret. It's all.

You're in a snow globe. Movie reference. Movie. Movie. Doug loves movies. I went to film school. We call it movies. Do you like films? I like films.

When I go to the cinema. Let's talk about Grindhouse. Yeah, Grindhouse. Let's talk about it. How many people here saw it? Just me and Brian right? Oh and the audience saw it too I would have seen it if it were called Grindhome

Yeah It just seemed too impersonal What does Mike Wurb think about Grindhouse? Wurb We'll find out Mike Wurb said No he didn't say anything about Grindhouse Has anyone seen Grindhouse is probably like the one thing that. Mike Wurb said... No, he didn't say anything about Grindhouse. Has anyone seen...

Grindhouse is probably the one thing that keeps Mike Wurb from killing himself. Is that that much more high-profile thing took a much bigger shit at the box office. Grindhouse is not doing well. People in America said, we don't get it. You know what would be an awesome movie? Grindhouse Dog. That's why Ice Cube's money wasn't called. When's this motherfucking house

going to be finished yet? Right. How does that shitty doctor show on TV do well? It's got house in it. People will watch House for free but not in a theater. That's his name. The remake of the William Cat House film will not happen.

William Cat House. will not happen. William Cat House. This old Grindhouse. Look at what's happening to me. Grindhouse is like a fat person. There's a lot to hate. But more to love. Right? There's things in it that are great,

and then a lot of stuff that's just like, wow, I didn't need that. But man, when I ejaculated, that was perfect, fat lady. So, wait a minute. I'm sorry. There was some... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I stopped talking about movies in the middle of that one. So you're like, I hate you, fat lady, but I'm still going to fuck you. No, see, you could still jerk me off is what I was trying to say. Like, the movie does not get to fuck me, but it jerked me off quite nicely.

You stupid fat lady, but I'll let you put your chubby, chocolate-covered hands around my cock. Okay, five-minute penalty for Graham Elwood. Put your microphone down. Finally. Five minutes. Yeah, finally, Bill Dwyer gets to say something that doesn't make any sense. Okay, five minute penalty for Graham Elwood Put your microphone down Finally, man Yeah, finally Bill Dwyer gets to say something that doesn't make any sense How about this?

I was having breakfast yesterday at the International Grindhouse of pancakes How do I not come out of the penalty box for that? We should swap penalty boxes after that This is what I love What the listening audience cannot see is the complete look of satisfaction on Bill's face when he said that and then turned around to everybody else like, yeah, that really just happened and it came out of me. You're not dreaming.

I'm sure it's the same face that Quentin Tarantino makes while watching his own films. With an audience. Like, I can see him turning around and looking at somebody in the row behind him going, Can you believe this shit? I did this. It's awesome. Can you believe I do this for a living? Oh, my God.

Did you guys know that Quentin Tarantino likes feet, shots from the back of a trunk, and acting? Did you know that about him? Because shit, it's all in this movie. And it was a revelation to me that he likes those things. What shot from the back of a trunk? You know, the point of view shot looking out of a trunk is in Rodriguez's movie too. It's in both of the movies. How can anybody do that anymore?

It's the most ridiculous retarded shot. I fucking can't stand it. Now when I see it in a movie I say out loud, what? Really? I cannot believe it and I can't stop myself from saying that. It's like when I see that shot in a movie it is like someone I don't like

just walked into a party. I see a person like, oh. That's what it makes me feel like. Well, it probably first started for you when Chris Tucker was in the trunk in Jackie Brown. Before that. You hated it before that. Wow, that goes pretty deep.

Like in the movie Four Rooms, it was kind of weird that they backed that car up into the hotel room and then popped the trunk open. I think that's the only Tarantino thing that doesn't have that shot. I think he thinks it's like Hitchcock walking through the movie. But hey, asshole,

you're about to walk through your movie, so you don't need that. You don't need that signature. We don't need to see that. If someone had made a box with their fingers, I would have fucking... Brian Fosain left, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah.

What is that all about? I don't know what happened to him. I didn't know you could recuse yourself from this particular trial. Welcome back, Brian. You're the only other person seeing Grindhouse. I want to get you in on this. Yeah, but can you guys hear me at all? It feels like, oh, okay.

Yeah. Did you go talk to somebody about your sound levels? I called Dave Rath. You called your manager? He called his manager and said, I need 15% more sound in my microphone. I was going to call the Hollywood Reporter and blow the whistle on this podcast.

Elwood whistle. 1923. There it is. That was blowing the whistle. Out of the penalty box, Dwyer. Suck it. It'll never end. I love that Quentin thinks that he knows how ladies talk.

Ooh, Quentin. The director. He was about to slam him. It wasn't like he was saying it. My buddy. But seriously, can we call him Q? Yeah. Q to the T.

Yeah, Q to the T. Yeah, Q to the T. He thinks he knows how women write, but I watched it with a woman next to me. Talk how they talk. Yeah, he knows how to write how they talk. Oh, he doesn't. But I watched it with an actual woman, and she doesn't think so. The whole time, she was like, gah! Yeah.

It was hard to watch. Is that how they talk? It is. Yeah, that's how my wife talks. It's hard to watch your wife making that face. That woman was Candace Bushnell. But yeah, every female monologue in the movie just sounds like Quentin talking. And they even, you know, like Kurt Russell brings his own personality to the role.

So it's like another great, like Quentin wrote a part for this guy and he did a good job with it. But all the girls in the movie, it's so aggravating because they just sound like it should just be Quentin in a bunch of, you know, it should be like a kids in the hall sketch. Or like Norbit where he plays all the parts. And, you know, and then I could just not fucking go because i can't look at the man who wants to see him playing four hot ladies as much as i love i i you know he's done a lot of stuff that i really like but holy shit and we know how much you hate fat people graham there's no reason to drag that in again fat people exactly i hate fucking fat people. He doesn't fucking hate fat people. So, like, what's going on now? Where am I?

Do you feel like we've adequately addressed the subject of Grindhouse? Not really. I really wanted to get into it, but that's an amazing testament to you guys and where those two guys are at, Rodriguez and Tarantino, that you haven't even seen it. Well, here's the thing. Here's what I'll say about Rodriguez. I know he didn't do it in this movie, probably not.

I know I just cut you off, but suck it. No, his infatuation with shooting things digitally, I hate it. I hate watching movies where I'm like, oh, that's video. Oh, the fire is all pixelated because he's shooting it on video. And I know he didn't do that in Grindhouse because they made it all 70s and stuff, but that right there is like Rodriguez's half a reason to not even show up for

me because I'm just like, I don't give a shit. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm sure it was all like lots of digital effects and stuff, but there's also some passing the savings on to you. There's some physical effects, though, clearly. At the expense of the entertainment. Tom Savini gets torn in half again, which is what happens when Tom Savini gets torn in half again, which is what happens when Tom Savini shows up in a movie.

And it's probably a physical effect. It looks pretty cool. And there's a few good, you know, there's some good stuff in there. Like, both of the movies have good stuff in them. If I had to pick one that was better, I'd say Quentin's is slightly better because they dropped a grainy print thing. And also Kurt Russell, like I said, is so great. Like, it's such a great premise to have a guy that's got like a fucking car that he can just kill

people with because he's death proof he's built into it in a way that he can't get hurt you know the best thing about death proof is no Jeff Fahey yeah Jeff Fahey is not in death proof Mr. Tompkins let me ask the audience

let's bring it to the audience there There's not enough people on stage talking. Yeah, I'm going to ask them to say stuff. One at a time, please. By a round of applause, how many people saw Grindhouse? Save your woos. By a round of applause, how many people enjoyed Grindhouse? You started. I'm intrigued by where this is going.

Is there another question? You what? You didn't see it? No, no. Did I see it? That would be the people who didn't clap. Oh, Jesus. Don't we need some sort of a test group? This is right up the who's mic is hot conversation.

That's like the old tour guide joke of like, applaud if you've never been on this tour before. Everybody applause. And applaud if it's your first time, they applaud again, and you go, suckers,

or whatever. But, wow, that's the shittiest tour. How long did you give tours for, Doug? Well,

the best one on the Universal Studios tour was to tell the people to put on their seatbelts because the tramps don't have seatbelts. And the people fucking rummage and look for them for you could say stop it's a joke yeah keep looking people get freaked out

weren't you a tour guide at universal city yeah that's why i was a tour guide yeah that's why i know that particular yeah you kidding i was there before both there yeah bill was there before me so i didn't have to tremendous job that means it's safe to go back everybodyremendous job I love that That was a fun job Did you love that job? Buy a round of applause Now what are you going to ask?

Where's it going? How many people are going to see it a second time? No How many people Is there anybody by applause who did not like Grindhouse? One coward. One guy wearing mittens.

Sitting there clapping away. Did you all like Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2 as well? Yeah, I liked those too. You didn't like those? No. You just don't like samurai movies? Is Oh, come on. No. Why not? You just don't like samurai movies? Is that your problem?

Maybe it is. Is that your problem? Maybe that's what I discovered about myself after watching both of those films. I was wondering what his problem was. No, I didn't like the second one better. It didn't need to be two movies. It's fucking ridiculous. He was referencing all the samurai stuff.

Thank you. One guy. Avenging and all that stuff I don't think the second one was as good as the first one I think it was

just as good as the first one it was more of the first one I like those movies but this is this might be the part where

this might be when I finally give up I'm done with that too done I'll say it to his gigantic face. His gigantic face. And he's so, his head moves around

so much when he talks, I would just be afraid of getting hurt. I would hate to take direction from him. I might get chin-whipped. He's such a spaz. You gotta kind of appreciate his enthusiasm No No, you don't Alright, this show's gone way off the rails

What a surprise I can't believe that Paul Tompkins is angry, ladies and gentlemen Now they're talking about releasing both of the movies separately Like the damage hasn't been done Like they can just Hey here's this movie Planet Terror Why don't they show them one and a half

Didn't notice before Here's Planet Terror and half of the other one Why don't they release 20 minutes of them at a time But see that's what I'm saying Paul Ultimately is that all those people That clapped you only got one mitten man who didn't like it. And he probably even would admit there's aspects of it that he enjoyed.

He hasn't seen it. Oh, he hasn't seen it. That's why he clapped. Oh, wow. He got insulted by his nerd buddy. Oh, wait. Were you clapping for Firehouse Dog? Oh, okay.

He was still on Firehouse Dog. But wait, if you didn't hate it, why are you out if you didn't hate it? Because I'm just like... I said that earlier. Yeah, didn't you hear?

I'm out. I'm sorry. I didn't give you the credit. I'm out because... I would have just been relieved that I was not the person that got called out for it. Oh, thank God

nobody heard me say Grindhouse Dog. That started my whole Grindhouse theme. I'm out because I can't see another actress I don't know who's not that attractive, who Quentin has a crush on, doing a fucking long monologue about bullshit I don't care about that starts with the clothes above her feet. Was that Rosario Dawson?

I can't do it again. But he's never done that. It's going to keep happening. He's very proud of what he's done here. He usually uses famous ladies that... Yeah, but that's what he's now. He's like, I'm so great, I don't even have to get actors that you know or give a shit about. I can break the

stars of my next movie. I can use the stunt lady. What genre will he pay homage to next? World War II. He should do Western. He's been working on that for years and years, right? Finally. The script is 1,700 pages long.

It's flags of our fathers and the Iwo Jima letters. Yeah, you know what? I want to see World War II given the grindhouse treatment. Fuck you, the greatest generation. Let's give them hipster language and Fonzie references

and whatever. All World War II trailers. That would be great. I would see that. The trailers, Paul. But I guess you could probably see them on the internet eventually or rent the DVD, but the trailers in Grindhouse, three out of four of them

are awesome. He's going to make them into movies. You know that's going to happen. Well, yeah, but those won't be as good. There's no way the Thanksgiving movie could be as good as the Thanksgiving trailer. Can you spoil the Thanksgiving trailer for me? I only heard about it. It's just, you know,

a horror movie takes place at Thanksgiving and there's just some fucked up shit. Okay, all right. The final shot is like, you spend the next 10 minutes trying to absorb. Is it playing somewhere now? You guys are really selling me on this.

Turn me around on it. Step right up and see Grindhouse. A man fucks a chicken. Plus a close-up of feet. Whoa. It's everything a weirdo wants. You'll notice it. It would bother you

Here's where the feet thing started to bother me Like also just introducing a character with their feet Yeah that was awesome in Jaws A million years ago But like now we don't need the feet or the personalized plate To tell us who this person is Before we see them Fucking stop doing that Hollywood

And also stop listening to my podcast Cause this is the last one. No, but he started in Kill Bill. In Kill Bill, there's an extended sequence of Uma Thurman's foot as she tries to get feeling back in it. That she has the ugliest fucking foot I have ever seen on Man, Woman, or Beast. I know, it's long. And Charitino shoots it lovingly like I'm supposed to be masturbating.

You're saying it's worse than a beast foot? It's worse than a beast foot. Which is the best trailer in Grindhouse. See, I'm waiting for Beast Foot. I'm waiting for Beast Foot. That's what Uma Thurman's foot is like. It's fucking, it's like

Arsenio Hall's hand. I like her feet. I liked her feet in Kill Bill. All right, well, there you go. That's reason enough for another penalty. Why don't you go fuck a shoe? I want to fuck her feet. Go fuck Uma Thurman's size 18 shoe.

I'd love that. She'd kick me in the face with one of those kung fu moves with her big size 18 shoe. I'd love that. She'd kick me in the face with one of those kung fu moves with her big giant clown foot. It'd be awesome. She'd kick you in your clown nose. She'd give me the five fucking step fuck foot thing or whatever.

She'd give you the five foot fuck. She'd give you the Pai Mei five foot foot fuck? Five foot foot fuck. She totally foot fucked Carradine at the end of that movie. Spoiler alert. About 17 minutes

till Malton. I was going to go this was going to be an hour long show, half talking about current movies and then half Altman. I mean, Altman. No, we're going to do a tribute to Robert Altman. We all love Robert Altman.

Oh, Brian, McCabe and Mrs. Miller is your favorite movie, isn't it, Brian? Of all time. But it makes sense that... No way is that true I know I'm saying What if it was I know me and I know

That's not true Some of the panelists His favorite movie Is The Cave and Mrs. Miller But that's a good movie He can recite it by heart I'm not saying it's a bad movie Oh alright

What we're talking about Is what I'm saying It's no It just doesn't seem like Something I would like Knowing me Or not knowing me Brian that weekend Where we watched Quintet five times And after like seem like something I would like. Knowing me. Or not knowing me.

Brian, that weekend where we watched Quintet five times and after like time two I was like, yeah, I get it, Brian. It's called Quintet, but we don't have to watch it five times. I like shortcuts when the guy flipped out and bashed somebody's head in with a rock, but that was like awesome. Let's have some silence for

Chris Penn. Because he's the one that did that. Oh, yeah. We haven't gotten around to these people. Is that why we're doing tributes to all of them? Yeah. Who's died that we never got a chance to do an in-memoriam show for? I didn't get to get up at his funeral and say,

It was so great when you smashed a woman's head in with a rock in shortcuts and then blamed it on an earthquake. He did. Poor Gregory Payne. Yeah, he got away with it because somebody thought a rock fell on her head. Yeah. It was great.

It was so good. Julianne Moore's Bush. It's a great movie. Yes. I was hoping you'd bring that up. It's a weird triangular yellow shirt. Why didn't you bring it up? It's Doug Schmoe.

Three of the five panelists here right now smoke pot. I would be remiss if I didn't, and I'd be typical if I didn't mention. Who? Who's the ones that do? I think we're all three here. Yeah, we're sitting together, of course. It's easier to pass it.

But this podcast is... No, I don't... I'm the guy in the Haunt in the Chapel shirt. No, I don't. Oh, really? You know what's weird? I'm not a father. Bill Dwyer, father of at least three. I could smoke pot all I wanted. Thanks, no one.

Have kids, you'll smoke pot. Daddy, I'm hungry. Yeah, me too. I should have waited to have a baby? Did you see Poltergeist? Did you see Poltergeist? That's why you smoked pot. No, the parents, it's Poltergeist, smoke pot.

It's the before-after bit in the mirror. I get it. Yeah. Now we're getting some off-light comments. Dwyer House Dog. Right? Come on. Dwyer House Dog. Woo-mic comments. Right? Come on. Dwyer house dog.

Woo, bro. I got a woo. Dwyer house Dwyer. By the way, in our house, we have a one-eyed chihuahua, and it did not come to us with one eye. It was customized. You kicked it in the face. I did not kick it in the face.

If Bill Dwyer worked in a firehouse. It was a horrible accident involving a three-wood and a chihuahua. If Bill Dwyer worked in a firehouse. Is that true? Yeah, it's pretty bad. Were you high when you were swinging your chihuahua. If Bill Dwyer worked in a firehouse. Is that true? Yeah, it's pretty bad. Were you high when you were swinging your golf club? No, no, no, no. Jesus, Brian.

I'm responsible. I don't swing the golf club while I'm walking the chihuahua and I'm high. No. I have limits. I know what I'm doing. I really want to hear this story. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about me. I don't want to.

I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Biscuit, go get Daddy's five-iron. Biscuit. Quack, quack. Nico is its name. That is the gayest goddamn name of a one-eyed fat chihuahua. Throw Nico in the bucket.

The thing loves me. Put Nico in the bucket. Just throw Nico. Put Nico in the bucket. Put Nico's eye in the bucket. Just throw Nico. Put Nico in the bucket. Put Nico's eye in the bucket. Just chip her eye up with a sand wedge in the bucket. It was a three wood. Aren't you listening?

A sand wedge would have crushed its skull. Golf is a hard game, Graham. It's hard to hit a ball straight, let alone a chihuahua that's running at you full speed. How it happened, the odds are amazing. Full speed chihuahua. The chihuahua's coming at, flying at me. I can drive Nico to the green in two with my fairway wood. Why are you covering the microphone?

Is that a secret? That dog was flying at you like any graphic at a charity event. I'm running out of check for Nico's eye to the bank of the universe. Why was he running at you? It was because I was about to hit him with a cough. I'm telling you. Because I was going to hit him. Here, boy!

Four! It'll be the rest of the show. Your dog was made of jerky treats? Why would I hit jerky treats with a three-wood? Were you wearing a jerky treats pants again? Did you dip your three-wood in beef? Nico, you want to go golfing? It's a whack.

Hole in one. Good night, everybody. Jesus, are you insensitive. Wow, this show just ended on that? I had a lot more stuff I wanted to talk about, but Graham says good night to everybody. So it's been a great run. I feel pretty good about...

Yeah, when somebody says good night, everybody, they leave or you do. What? Okay, so here's... Good night, handheld comedy. God damn it, shut up. See, and you were worried about me. I was, and I still am.

What does this mean about all the money I have in the laugh bank? Oh, dude. To everyone who made a deposit in the laugh bank, first of all, the sperm was hilarious, but the money, they are going to keep it, and sorry about that, Laugh Bank.

Sorry about that. I don't know. That didn't work. Sorry. It's been so long since I talked about the Laugh Bank in the show. I don't know if everybody even knows what that is. No, no one does. I know, but I like the concept.

It was a great idea. It was the great idea that was going to make this whole thing work. And people don't like banking. No. It's not fun. No. I don't care if work. And people don't like banking. No. It's not fun. No. I don't care if you put laugh in front of it. Nope. It's not a fun activity. I did a couple of weekend shows at the Laugh Bank. The giggle tax return. Come on

everybody. It's right across the river from the Laugh Bank and it's not popular. Oh. Boom. Too soon. Why? Why? Why? Why? Take a chance. Oh Jesus Boom Too soon Too soon Why why why Is that Take a chance So Fracture

Opens today Fracture That's a I shot my wife That's a thriller That's one way To describe it I'd say it's a

It's a thriller With Ryan Gosling And Anthony Hopkins Where Oh wait wait Jud judging from Graham's impression Charlie McCarthy's in it somewhere I shot my wife I hit her in the head with a 3-1

There's no Ventriloquist dummy It's not Magic also starring Anthony Hopkins Great movie That's a great movie The commercial That is the best Ventriloquist movie Doesn't hold up Magic? Great movie. The commercial. That is the best Ben Chalupin movie. Doesn't hold up.

Magic? Yeah, it's all right. Doesn't hold up to the commercial which scared the shit out of me when I was a child. The puppet is scary. The commercial is still the most horrifying thing. Throw magic in the bucket.

Yeah. In the Land of Women opens today. What? Man. That's where I want to go. Yeah, well, wait. Hang on. There's more.

What? Are they mean? It stars Adam Brody from The O.C. He's no woman. Hot off the canceled show. Oh, I was thinking of Adrian Brody. I was like, wow. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

He should be in it. This is his Garden State, right? I don't think I saw the trailer for this. I don't think he directed it or wrote it. No, no, no, but I mean... But other than that, yes, it's his Garden State. It's his movie starring a guy from TV that I don't give a shit about. That's exactly what it is wrote it. No, no, no. But I mean... But other than that, yes, it's his Garden State. It's his movie starring a guy from TV that I don't give a shit about.

That's exactly what it is, yes. But I saw the trailer for it. I've never hated a movie so quickly as I did this trailer. It was like I marveled at the speed. Well, no. Garden State, I was like, I get it right away. But this movie, he's being broken up with. The trailer starts with him being...

You know, okay. It is this one. He's being broken up with by this girl who with him being, you know, okay, it is this one. He's being broken up with by this girl who has a Spanish accent. And she's saying, I need some space. I just need some space. And he says, look, I'll give you all the space you want. And immediately I was like, oh, fuck you. That's within the first ten seconds of the trailer. His face is a face you look at.

That's probably her next line in the movie. Please go to a theater where that's playing and yell that at the top of the trailer. His face is a face you look at. That's probably her next line in the movie. Please go to a theater where that's playing and yell that at the top of your lungs. What if it takes forever for that scene? I'm going to pay for you to see that movie. I mean, things are clearly working out in their relationship if during serious conversations he could throw her accent back at her like that.

They clearly are, it's working out great. Maybe this is why you're being broken up with, you dickhead. Why are we supposed to like this guy? Why are we ever supposed to like him anything? In an interview on fucking The Tonight Show, you want to kick him in the throat. I mean, he's fucking annoying.

And I hope this movie tanks, and I hope his career hits the shitter, so then seven years from now, you'll be at Tower Records, and he'll be like, I'm Adam Brody, you cocksucker. Give me my latte or some shit like that. I wish you knew what the shit was.

So in the future, Tower Records is going to come back. It's going to reopen. Right. And they're also going to serve lattes. You are a fucking idiot. I just thought his life was going to be so bad. He was going to be at a bankrupt store. See, that's what I mean.

He's going to be at an empty bankrupt store remembering. Oh, it's after the apocalypse. Yeah, yes, exactly. There's cockroaches the size of dogs. The only guy left in Sherman Oaks makes lattes because that's what he used to do. Right, where water's more precious than gold. And why are you there? What are you looking for?

I'm looking for Nico's eye. Hello, callback. That's a senseless callback. That makes no sense at all. It was a senseless, thoughtless callback. When were callbacks ever good? Also opening today. Are you kidding?

The 80s? At 44 minutes into your act. I swear I thought that was... Right before you raise your hand and say nutty nutty. Start with the callbacks. Now that time it's done? Two thirds of my act is callbacks.

That's all I got is callbacks. You are hating this so hard. No, no. I just don't know when to come in to move it along. Just start shouting over us. That's what we all do to each other. Seems to work.

Doesn't work for me. I did this set up to one joke four times before I just gave up on it. Which joke? I was like, fuck that. Wait till you read about it on my blog. Is this Grindhouse Dog? Is that what we're doing? It's a blog we can't comment on.

Abandoned premises. How fucking great is that? A Grindhouse blog. It's... No, wait, wait. I meant to say Firehouse blog. Firehouse blog. Jesus.

You knew what I meant. Anyway, I was at Tower Records, and Adam Brody came to Tower Records and then we went to Hollywood Video. Yeah, you guys both love a liquidation sale. I love Doug's frustration. He's rubbing his eyes. I was rubbing my eyes because I smoked a lot of pot.

Did you have a fracture joke? It didn't seem like... Oh, yeah, yeah. I swear I tried a bunch of times to say it we had it in the land of women joke there's a lot that the america's missing out on material we'll listen to your jokes well that's what i generally think is that when the host starts a sentence everyone would at least wait for like him to even take a breath like even even a pause in the sentence would be a place where you might want to jump in.

Not like four words in when nothing has been accomplished. Why is he looking at me? Why are you pointing at me? Why is he looking at me? Graham Elwood is guilty here, my friend. If I wasn't the host, I'd be doing the same thing you guys are doing. I don't blame you. I blame the system.

That you created. Oh, snap. Love attraction, Doug. Law of attraction, Doug. Just what the secret says. Shut up, Graham. When I say so, that's your cue that I'm about to... Something good's coming.

So... Something senseless. So anyway, the last time opens today. Do you know what that is? It's Michael Keaton, previously mentioned, and Brendan Fraser together again. Uh-huh.

Can anybody name the last time they were together? No, because it's a bad idea. Uh, pow! I brought a piece of paper with stuff on it. They almost answered it. I know. Well, that's why it was perfect I reeled you in with don't fucking talk while I'm talking

Then I ask you a question I do not want you to answer And then bang I come in with a punchline Four bagger home run Diggity dog Four bagger Home run That's grocery and baseball terms

No Put together Well Fucking dope smoking Non-athlete Four bagger is a Oh oh You ran around the bases

Four bags Yeah that is a home run So you wouldn't need to say Home run and four bagger Yeah that again One or the other will do I was thinking that exact same thing You should lose your house

Cause then you'll be As crazy As the craziest homeless person ever. But now it's legitimate. When you have no place to live, that's going to be awesome. You just run around yelling shit and whistling. Did you see this crazy homeless guy wearing a gay blue shirt whistling? Why is Tower Records closed? I need to get a latte.

I need to return this DVD. You cocksucker. I know karate. Firehouse Dog was good. Motherfucker, cocksuck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Suck, suck, suck. Four bagger. I gotta find Nico's eyeball. Tower.

Tower. Put Graham's tongue in the bucket. Jody Foster's at the door. Stop whistling. Adam Brody's a motherfucker. Wow. Wow. You had to go back.

The one too many specialist. Had to go back for a little more. Fucking 15 yards pushing the joke. I didn't care for that joke. If you need something to go on, one too many. What are you kidding? Call Graham Elwood

at 555-12127. Everybody loves old-timey football references. Doug, what other movies have you seen lately? What about Bart Starr? I said Graham's phone number and then I added

one number too many. Is that my phone number? I said a fake one. Oh then I added one number too many. Everybody's phone number. I said a fake one. But it was fun though. Three people in the audience liked it. There's a guy in the audience with no shoes on by the way. 47 didn't. And

Quentin Tarantino's filming it. His friends are embarrassed. Why must you always Because I have beautiful feet They need to be enjoyed What if they have auditions for Lil Abner here There haven't been finer feet since Luke Wilson He stars in a movie called Vacancy You gonna slam me or not?

Who's gonna go see Vacancy today? We got one guy. Sans Maze? Well, when it comes out. What if they started to slow clap? Oh, God. People slowly came around to Vacancy. It doesn't look anything like any other horror movie

where a couple is stuck in a shitty hotel and being scared, and it's only one one set so it's not too expensive. And videotapes. The bad guy in that is the average ticket buyer. That's because I love movies ladies and gentlemen. Frank Whaley in the fucking trailer

is like the nebbishy clerk at the hotel but then later when he's talking to them on a microphone like the bad guy that's surveillancing them. Yes. Surveillancing. It's from the back of his head,

but it's still fucking clearly Frank Whaley. It's like they don't, no, we don't need, should we have this shot where you can see exactly who the villain is when it's supposed to be a little bit of a surprise? No, let's just show it. People are stupid.

That movie would be scarier if the movie in the VCR was Career Opportunities. Yeah. Yeah, if people checked into a hotel and were forced to watch Frank Whaley movies, that would be much scarier than Vacancy. Watch this movie I made where I was supposed to be hot. I was on fire for a year and a half.

I got 18 movies in the can before anybody noticed. I was not on fire. I was scared of Jennifer Connelly's tits for six months. People cheered when... It took six months to make that movie? Sure. Back in the 80s, they would spend six months on comedies. Yeah, exactly.

You can tell. To get it right. And comedies that took place in one location at a store. What was the one where he played the stand-up comic? The Jimmy Show or something like that? Do you know what I'm talking about? It's on cable a lot. Wow.

Does anybody know what I'm talking about? It's in there. Look it up. Malton. The Jimmy Show? What's it called? The Jimmy Show? I've never heard of that.

The Jimmy Show. The Jimmy Show. Let's look it up. Maltin. The Jimmy Show. What's it called? The Jimmy Show. I've never heard of that. The Jimmy Show. The Jimmy Show. Let's look it up. He plays a depressive guy who sometimes does stand-up comedy. But is that supposed to... I couldn't tell from the movie if that was supposed to be really happening or... Because he just gets up there and gives these monologues about his miserable life. If I ever meet him, I'm going to say, aren't you the guy that should have been in Weekend

at Bernie's? How can there not be a contest? I was as shocked as you were. Did you ever see The Dark Backward? No. Oh, my God. It's not that good. Wow.

It's a movie about a stand-up comic who has an arm growing out of his back. Judd. Judd Hirsch. It's really Judd. Judd Apatow. No, Judd Nelson. That's right. Judd Nelson.

I'm taken aback First of all By the sheer The sheer volume Of movies with the word Jim or Jimmy in the title There's more than you'd expect I never heard of Jimmy the Gent before What about

Oh I love the Gent I did not like Jimmy in that Yeah What about Mad Money the movie Starring Jim Cramer Is that in there

Wow No I'm a clue I hope I hope they give out Dramamine To that movie Jimmy Hollywood

That was when Joe Pesci and Christian Slater were both like These guys should be in the lead parts In movies And then they made that one Joe Pesci hasn't done much lately Has he Graham He's in Bobby isn't he

Oh Good Shepherd that's it. I wonder why he has a job directed by Robert De Niro. Did they finish making My Second Cousin Vinny yet? That's the one where he's retarded? There's too much inbreeding. I can't find Jimmy the, what was it? The Jimmy Show. The Jimmy Show's not in here.

What about that Harvard bum movie? They should do a sequel. Oh, that is possibly the worst movie ever. What movie is that? Almost home. Harvard bum. With honors. With honors.

With honors. No, that's not it. Yeah. I was thinking the whole time going, is this homeless guy going to graduate? Doug, it's called With Honors. Yeah, but is he going to graduate? Of course. What was the one where Samuel L. Jackson was the homeless detective

The Caveman's Valentine Holy shit Yeah it was directed by someone named Lemon Lemon Lemony Yeah also directed Eve's Bayou

Yeah I know my Yeah I know my shit I know my shit That I can kind of strangely Eve's Bayou Remember the video game based on that movie Okay here we go We're just rocketing right into Leonard Maltin While these guys talk

You get to shoot Eve You ready? Brian? Jennifer Tilly Oh wait do people know this game? Yeah we play it every week on I Love Movies You get to shoot Eve. You ready? I'm ready. Brian? Sure. Jennifer Tilly. Oh, wait. Do people know this game? Yeah, we play it every week on I Love Movies.

Yeah. Well, maybe we have some new audience members. How many people are here for the first time? How many people here raised their hand when they should have clapped? How many people are here to see Patton Oswalt? Is that who I'm filling in for? Yeah, Bill Dwyer's filling in for Pat You know what, I'll tell you Pat's going to a screening of Hot Fuzz

Yeah, it's supposed to be great But that's kind of a double burn I can't do your show And while I'm not in your show I love movies I'm going to go see a great movie With the guys who made it Are going to be there

Yeah, he wasn't hired to go to that screening No, no It's not a job like this is. It came up with the letter. Yeah. But he wouldn't be letting them down if he didn't go to it. No, he's all right. Maybe he would.

No, we miss him, and it's too bad he couldn't be on the last show, but you know. I'm glad I'm here. Assholes are just going to do what they want to do. I'm glad I'm filling in for that sack. Can you put tiny reference movies no one's ever seen? Sure. Yeah, tell us what you think about noir.

How about, you want to hear something about Bad Ronald, the greatest made-for-television movie ever? I've seen that. And it's great. It's awesome.

And that's the movie I was going to do for Leonard Maltin. It was Jennifer Game ruined. She was a child actress. But now I won't be able to find the one I was going to do It was dumb anyway It was Johnny B. Goode

Remember that Anthony Michael Hall thing How about that guy All of a sudden he decides he wants to be a leading man And they let him Somebody lets him I like him in that Dead Zone show that I don't watch He's a man You know some shows you Dead Zone show that I don't watch. Well, he's a man now. You know what I mean?

You know how some shows you like it fine, but you don't watch it? I like him in the commercials for that. Yeah, in the commercials he's like, oh, he's all intense and I can see shit. I can see things that are going to happen to people. Oh, man. I would watch it if that's how he talked. I can see shit. It's kind of a drag.

And he says he's intense. I'm really intense. Good shit, bad shit. I can see shit. When shit goes down, I see it. Season pass. Keep it till I delete. Got one.

Okay. All right. 1986. Okay. No guesses so far. Sergei Eisenstein's a battleship attempt. Wait, wait, wait. Jamie Sheridan.

Jamie Sheridan. Sargasso Sea. Tracy Ullman. Oh, Jesus. Still Sargasso C. Tracy Ullman. Oh, Jesus. Bill Sargasso C. 1986? Yes. 86, Jamie Sheridan.

Muppets Christmas. Tracy Ullman. Paxton Whitehead. Tracy Ullman. Paxton Whitehead played the professor that wanted to talk about widgets in front of Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School. God, that was a funny scene. Next. Jim Belushi.

The Belush. Come on. Oh, is it the movie about the book, about the appointment book? No, because he was the lead in that. Man with one red shoe. Okay. Tracy Reiner. Little Shop of Horrors.

Phil Hartman. Tracy Reiner. Who's Tracy Reiner? Wait, no. This is the one where Michael Caine and he travels back in time. Mr. Destiny. Mr. Destiny. Mr. Destiny. Phil Hartman.

Mr. Density. Philo Facts. John Lovitz. Oh, shit. Oh, is it the one where those... Mama Dad Saves the World. No. You're never fucking kidding me.

Is it the one where they play stupid guys and Nicolas Cage is in it too? The Three Amigos. There's like ten more names to go before you get to the star. Club Paradise. Jonathan Price. Jerome Crabbe. I call him Jerome Crabbe, but that's cool. Sarah Botsford.

Whatever happened to Botsford? What about some fucking Roscoe Lee Brown? What about that? Oh, no. He just died. So we should take a minute. We should take a second. He died on 4-11. So we got Chris take a second. He died on 4-11.

He died. So we got Chris Penn and... Old. What? He died on 4-11? 4-11. What movie said Roscoe Lee Brown... That was rough. ...and Phil Larkin and the Belushi, the unfunny one that's still alive?

See, that's the thing about this game. Are there any more names left? Are there any more names left, Brian? Yeah, there's more. When people that sound like they never should have worked together are in a movie together, that's what really makes it hard. Yeah, there's no way.

That's why I picked it. It's fucking hard. Peter Michael Goetz. Have you seen this movie? Who? Yeah. Wow. Jesus.

Don't just see every movie in here. No, you don't need to see the movie to play the game, but I was just wondering. All right, keep going, Brian. I know he has.

Annie Potts. Oh, Corvette Summer? 86? Come on. I know. I know, Brian. You're right. That was 76.

Good point. Carole Kane? Carole Kane, I mean. It's that clue the movie tells us. Did she wear extensive makeup, Carole Kane, in this role? Was her hair frizzy in this movie? People are guessing in the audience. John Wood.

He's that British-y guy. Yeah, there's only two more after John Wood. Wow. So he had a lot to do in this movie. Wow. Big John Wood, Carol Kane, and Annie Potts movie. Son of a bitch. Fish that saved Pittsburgh?

I got nothing. In 86? I know, Brian. It's 86. Losing it? Remember that part. Losing it? 86.

I said Uncle Buck. John Wood, Stephen Collins. Stephen Collins. Stephen Collins. Tales of the Gold Monkey, the movie? Stephen Collins. He's second billing Stephen Collins. Oh, my God.

When did that happen? In the 86, apparently. Who else? There's only one name left? Yeah. And that's going to give it away, or we're still going to be like, what the fuck is this movie? You'll know one with this name. Okay.

Whoopi Goldberg. The dinosaur movie. T-Rex. The dinosaur detective movie. Eddie? Theodore movie. T-Rex. The dinosaur detective movie. Eddie? Theodore Rex. Thank you. Eddie?

Eddie. Jumping Jack Flash. Fuck. Wow. Do I get to do one? I don't have time. No, Paul gets to do one because he got it right. Oh.

Great. Great. I saw. What a prize. Take your time. I saw me. Yeah, that's the one kink we never worked out in this game is the prize is then you have to ask the question. And that's really not, you know.

Thanks for burying a hand in the prize. Here, you have more work you have to do. Big hassle. I mean, how many entries are there? 60,000! That's a lot of entries. Let's see. The watch looking for one.

Hot fuzz is really good, though, right, Brian? I enjoyed the shit out of it. If you like movies and laughing. That's a requirement, liking movies? Yeah, you should like movies. I can't watch it, then. What if I like laughing, but I don't like movies? I love movies.

It looks like dumb limeys running around. I love them. The young guy hops the thing, and then the fat guy, I'm going to do it, and he trips. No, I. I love them. Did you see Shaun of the Dead? The young guy hops the thing, and then the fat guy, I'm going to do it, and he drips. No, I never saw that coming. Did you see Shaun of the Dead? No. Why don't you say it was enjoyable? Well, this isn't Shaun of the Dead now, is it?

Did you see... No, it's another movie you probably won't see and you'll talk shit about. Do you like movies, Graham? Yes, but a bunch of limeys running around. Hey, hello, I'm the detective. I fuck you. How can they make a movie without Batman? I understand, Graham.

Exactly. I put up with the limey and Batman returns. Right. Where it begins. Because that's... Oh, shit. Because he's a butler. Here we go.

I got one. Okay. You guys. Oh, boy. All right. What year? The year 1993. Oh.

Got it. Lou Leonard. Boys in the Hood. No. Racist. Because I named the movie. You named it. I know why you said that. You named a nappy-headed actress. So that's why.

Don't fucking moan, you cocksuckers. You're fucking fired. She's a fat white lady, by the way, Lou Leonard. Your second name, Clyde Kusatsu. Oh, he... That's right, go through your Rolodex of Clyde Kusatsu movies. He always plays a fucking judge in things. He looks like Edo, Robert Edo.

Awesome. So people think it's funny. Let's get that little Asian actor. Trouble Lance Edo. What did I call him? Robert. Robert Edo. Jury duty.

I don't know who that is. Jury duty. Starring Pauly Shore. It is not jury duty. In the army now, we're going to bust out some P. Shore movies. Movies. No, that one didn't have a lot of cameos in it, though. Here's your next name.

Peggy Ray. Jury duty. Still not jury duty. Nice try, Brian. It has not become jury duty. This is how I win this game. I always say jury duty, and every once in a while. Nine times out of ten, she'll slap your face, but that ten times, she'll say, yes, jury duty every once in a while. She's like, yeah. Nine times out of ten,

she'll slap your face, but that tenth time, she'll say, yes, jury duty. Your next name. Now, jury duty is now a pickup line? Yeah, we play,

hey, what's up? You just go up and say, jury duty. And she's like, get out of here, pig. That tenth time, she goes, she'll fucking slap your face.

She'll slap your face. But the tenth time, she's like, it's on. It's on. I'm gonna suck it. Let's go home and watch jury duty. I have it on DVD. One out of ten women love it. All right, here's on. It's on. I'm going to suck it. Let's go home and watch Jury Duty. I have it on DVD.

One out of ten women love it. All right, here we go. Your next name? Jennifer Tilly. Do you think that'd be a way to get out of Jury Duty? Oh, Jennifer Tilly. If you said your favorite movie is Jury Duty, they'd probably let you go, right? This is the Body Snatchers movie, the remake of the Body Snatchers movie.

This guy's got a fucked up idea of how the legal system works. It is not a Body Snatchers film. The remake with Arla Emery where they're in the trucks And he's like Portmagen Why is everybody talking Like Edward G. Robinson In your pantheon of impressions Are there a lot of

Actors left Paul I'm Candace Bergen Hey I'm Whoopi Goldberg We're in Jumpin' Jack Flash Hey I'm in the Lollipop Guild Alright so Jennifer Tilly

Hey Jerry That guy actually does Sound like her Your next name Oh it's that Woody Allen thing with John Cusack. No, it is not. That would be Bullets Over Broadway.

Your next name. Good guess, though. Your next name? Paul Rodriguez. Oh, God. Wow. Left turn. The steam pile.

94. Rodriguez. Paul Rodriguez. Born in East L.A. Was he in that? Yes, he was. Yeah, keep going. Listen to Paul. Yes, he was. Yeah, keep going. Listen to Paul.

Yes, he was. Keep going? Yeah. Nia Long. Oh, I like that Nia Long. I like that Nia Long. Fuck, she is a black girl. She was in that...

Is this that sperm donor movie with Ted Danson and Whoopi Goldberg? Perhaps it is. Yeah! Whoa! And Whoopi Goldberg? Perhaps it is. Yeah! Oh, that's her mom. And Whoopi Goldberg did it. That's her mom. That's her mom. This is where they fell in love?

Is that where Whoopi and Ted? Yeah, he plays like a Cal Worthington type of a guy. Rides in on horses and goes, you know, buy my cars. What's he sound like? It's called the jiggy on your vagina. He sounds... They called you spunk my mom. Hey, buy my car.

Money for nothing. Something or something. Tunnel for Nothing. Something or Something. Tunnel of Love. Oh, Maytorder. Or Close. Made in America! No, Brian was right. It's called Worst Movie Ever. That's why it didn't do so well

at the box office. It was directed by Richard Benjamin. The man who can make comedy in the 14th. We did Saturday the 14th. What was the name of that experience? Oh, my God. We did Saturday the 14th. Transylvania 65,000. Yeah.

He did the original Are You There Yet or Are We Done Yet? Yeah. Money Pit was Richard Benjamin's first turn into always being horrible. Oh, that movie really depressed me. He made My Favorite Year, and everyone was like, that was fun. That was really good. Well, let's not pin it all on a great performance by one actor. Let's give this guy more movies to make.

Have you seen that movie lately? It's awful. It's like a TV movie. It is like when Tool is out on the screen, it is impossible to watch. It is impossible to watch. Well, I mean, my eyes didn't fly out of my head or anything. It wasn't impossible. No, no, no. I mean, your eyes closed.

No, I could watch it. No, no, no, no, no. There's something happening physically. Build Wire hits you with a three wood. The weirdest part is the dinner table scene, the dinner scene where Lainey Kazan is in a sitcom and what's his nuts is... I forgot his name already.

Peter O'Toole. Peter O'Toole is being awesome. Yeah. And it's just like the strangest, like it's almost like he's willing her to come into his. All right. So that movie is called Made in America? Yes.

Okay, good. I did win. And Bill Macy. That's a great way to end this. I won, and I didn't have to hear the top names. It's true. And if we finished it right now, the program would be exactly an hour. The next name was going to be Will Smith.

So let's keep going. Will Smith. That's right. Yeah, because Nia Long and Will Smith were a couple in the movie. Then we'll be Goldberg and Ted Danson. We'll be Goldberg and Ted Danson. A couple of what? Malt gave it two stars.

He gave it two? I think that's being generous. Generous. Yes. God, he must have gotten a blowjob that morning. You know what? I'm feeling good. Thank you for sucking that out of me.

Made in America is awesome. Thanks for the blowjob, Richard Benjamin. Oh! The audience says. They did not. Okay, here's one. I think just watching Richard Benjamin suck off Leonard Martin is what got them to go,

oh, just a visual of his toupee flopping around while Benjamin dusted his balls. And one deed came. I'm desperately trying to get a tie-in with Leonard Martin. Sounds like someone's got that picture already in his head. I'm going to blow it by having Richard Benjamin. No, it's downloaded to my phone. Because you think, well, probably would have said, I did get a blowjob that morning.

And then like, oh, I don't like the rest of the talk. What Doug said was accurate. I'm sorry to support him, President. I was in a good mood because I got a blowjob. But nobody has to say, why do you have to go and say it was Dick Benjamin that gave me that blowjob? Why'd you have to do that? Hey, what are you? See? What are you, a rat?

Okay, there's just one name. Narrated by Robert Evans. Oh, a kid's stage name. 2002. Oh, Graham got one right. Good for you. Oh, you tricked me. When is this fucking show going to end? All right. Well, you mean for always and forever or for just tonight?

Both. Okay. I'll wrap it up in like three minutes. Make it fast, asshole. Are there any audience requests? Make it fast, asshole. You can't request. By special request of the audience.

That sort of ruins it. Does the audience have anything they want to spontaneously yell out that will help us to do something interesting? Crocodile Dundee. See, perfect example. Let's make fun of this shithead for saying that. Why would you yell out Crocodile Dundee? That's not a shitty movie. Is it because you have a crocodile whistle around your neck?

What is that thing? Oh, a flashlight. I'm sorry. It's a crocodile flashlight. Oh, then he flashes it. Because having a flashlight around your neck? What is that thing? Oh, a flashlight. I'm sorry. It's a crocodile flashlight. Oh, then he flashes it. Because having a flashlight around your neck, that's not nerdy. That's not a flashlight

around your neck. That's a flashlight. I really don't have that much to say. I'll show you a flashlight. I don't have that much to say about Crocodile Dundee, but Dundee 2,

I have a few bones to pick with that movie. That's not a way to end a podcast. That's a way to end a podcast. That's not a way to make a sequel. Like, the beginning of the movie is just him saying that, and then they show Crocodile Dundee 1 again. Like, that was the sequel.

It was like, yeah, I got you a sequel. This is how you make a sequel. But he doesn't say it until the end of the movie. He waits until the end of the movie. Over credits. That's how you make a sequel. Outtakes of him saying that line that never even made it in the movie.

You didn't even try. You didn't even put Barbie in there. That's how you make a sequel. Oh my god. You didn't even try You didn't even throw You didn't even put Barbie in there Safe That's how it sounds When Rosario Dawson Fucking calls that The Australian girl A Kiwi

And says that if you call them a Kiwi Instead of a What's the other one? Aussie They get mad at you It's like well First of all They get mad at you

They're the biggest fucking assholes In the world But then second of all The person talking about How mad they're going to get at you is the single biggest asshole in the world. Because you shouldn't be concerned because if they get so mad, they're assholes and what do you care?

I have no idea what you're talking about. I love that. I was the only guy who looked at it. I'm just staring at Paul because you knew Aussie. You filled in half of the equation. So I was like, this is for you. This one's going to you then. No, there's a long Tarantino-esque dialogue

about the difference between an Aussie and a Kiwi. It's like, yeah, we get it, Quentin. You've been to two different countries outside of our own. If I want to watch a bunch of long, pointless speeches, I'll turn on Grey's Anatomy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that sucks too, Grey's Anatomy.

I'm calling them all out tonight. Now, why do you have the book instead of Graham? Is it you can pick one for him? I can't read. You can't read. You better cancel your trip to go read for the troops. That would probably surprise no one. You know, Graham Elbow can't read.

People would be like, oh, okay. That explains the whistling. It totally explains the whistling, because anything you want in life, if you whistled long enough, people would probably bring it to you. If you just pointed to your dick and whistled. Yeah, people would be like,

oh, he needs a milkshake. Oh, new tires on my car. Those aren't the right size shoes. Thank you. I thought he couldn't read. Why is he? He can't say I need a bigger size of my shoes. I mean, just because he can't read doesn't mean he doesn't understand the concept.

Why would you stop the whistling? Because I get to. Because I hate whistling. What a weird thing to come out of this podcast. Bill Dwyer hates whistling. Look for Bill Dwyer's new show, I Hate Whistling. People have no problems walking along whistling and not whistling anything. He fucking loves whistling.

I know he does. And he whistles loud. Hold on a second, Mr. Potter. How often do you see people just walking around whistling? I would imagine three times a day. He's a mean old man imagine three times a day. He's a mean old man. That would actually make me feel good

if I was walking down the street and somebody was whistling. That would probably make me feel a little better. He's the guy who's like, get your ball off my lawn. Maybe that's a good way

to look at it, but it drives me crazy. Not in the suburbs, Paul. In the city, it's pleasant, but in the suburbs, that guy's up to something. It's not good anywhere. The fire truck's about to go by and people are to wave, and someone's going to find an ear.

It's all happening. That's just weird behavior. I wish somebody would make a movie about how weird the suburbs are. Yeah. Get ready. Take the word sub out. So, stop hunching over. He's got to hunch over When he whistles

Like he's jerking off That'd be weird To like fuck a girl And do the sexy whistle As you're coming Like the thing that The thing that usually comes Hey what might

Hey what might that sound like? Hey, would that sound something like this? Yeah, could you do that for us? It's a callback to how I got you here. Yeah. 45 minutes ago. Remember when I did that on the street corner and you helped me put a chair

in the back of my van? Now here we are and you're not awake to hear it again. I had a horrible dream that I was being rape whistled. Whistle rape. Whistle rape.

All right, here we go. Oh my God, Graham Elwood, the rape whistler. That's perfect. That'd be a perfect series of crimes. Whistle while you rape. You'd always call attention to yourself

if you'd have to get out of there. That'd be the only time, maybe. It lightens the mood. Maybe if you're whistling while you're raping somebody. It's a little easier to take. Alright, we gotta wrap this up. Paul's got one. Should we do one more?

Yeah, let's do one. All right, let's do one. It'd be silly to end on one where somebody got it right. Exactly. Let's end on a sad... It would be silly and satisfying. Jerry, dude. Ridiculous.

Here we go. 1989. Brian's in with his first two guesses. 1989. True Grit. Key... No. True Grit. No. True Grit. Rooster Cogburn.

Key Luke. The gun in Peggy Sue's hand. Key Luke. Okay. That's the guy who always played the pawn shop guy. Asian pawn shop man. All right. Correct.

Key Luke. Norman Beaton. Don't know who that is. Esther Roll. Fat lady from Good Times. Yes. Yes. Ain't we lucky we. Esther Rolle. Fat lady from Good Times. Yes. Yes. Ain't we lucky we got her.

Maybe the mother from Good Times would be nice. Yeah, that would have been fine. You're right. Let me rephrase. The fat maid from Maud. There you go. Art Evans. Oh, also fat.

Wait, what year was this? Just because of the name Art? Or do you know who that is? No, no. I was guessing who the next actor is. Isn't also fat Wait what year was this Just because of the name Art Or do you know who that is No no I was guessing Who the next actor is Isn't also fat in it Isn't it mostly Asian And black actors

Also fat that's right Wait what Chow Yun What was the year What was the year 1989 Okay 1989

And also fat too 98 minutes long Cheryl Lee Ralph. There is a preponderance of black performers in this movie. House Party. No. Racist. How is that racist?

You'll see. Class Act. Class Act. What? Class Act. Remember that was the House Party movie where they dared to go out without the house party name? It was like, Class Act, what's that? Something I'm not going to see.

Guy cut off his stupid hair and called it a different thing. That's right. M. Emmett Walsh. He is good. Famously deaf, though. Famously deaf. What year? Very hard of hearing,

and that's why he screams all of his lines Language I don't want to be asked what year again Of course he was great in that first Coen Brothers thing Right Blood Simple And he was also good at Raising Arizona Blood Simple

Blood Simple I've never been to Green How do you say it I say Blood Simple. Blood Simple. Blood Simple. I've never been to Green. Why? How do you say it? I say Blood Simple like people do. How did I say it? You said Blood Simple. Blood Simple. Do you also say the Boy Scouts?

No, I don't. The Boy Scouts. Blood Simple. Do you think you've met five dentists in your life, Graham? Because it would be awesome if they all thought you were an idiot. Dentists? Not just four of them. Grahams are going to be like, dentists?

That's how you decide that something is something. Five dentists have to agree on it. Four out of five dentists think that this restaurant sucks. That's what the rating system is based on here. Oh, B, Dennis don't like this blues. You're going to love the all-new Buick LeSabre

because four out of five Dennis's think it's awesome. Oh, no. At least it's never a surprise because you see his fingers moving toward his mouth. Exactly. It's never a surprise. For the whole fingers moving toward his mouth. Exactly. It's never a surprise. He is on the podcast. For the whole audience it is.

The listeners are fucked. Here we go. Here we go. All right. Which is what? The new THX trailer slogan. The listeners are fucked. Graham comes out and whistles and that little robot flies around and then a shitty three

and a half hour movie starts. The robot covers its ears. Two and a half hours into Grindhouse, you're like, bring out the fucking Whistler guy. Where's the Whistler? To recap, 1989. Key Luke, Norman Beaton, Esther Rollard, Evan Shirley, Ralph, Amanda Walsh, Mimi Rogers. Oh.

That should tell us a lot. The curveball. Is it the movie about the end of the... Rapture. The Rapture? The Rapture. was the lead in that The Rapture Yeah and that kid that played her kid

Yeah her James Fox Giveaway The Rapture Not even sure who that is He's British He's always very When he's in an American comedy

He's always very serious about what's going on He's no Paxton Whitehead No There are two names left Wait he's the same guy Jury duty Wow He's no Paxton Whitehead. No. There are two names left. Wait, he's the same guy. Jury duty. Wow. He's third? James Fox is third? You'll see

why. He's there to educate a black man, right? In the ways of etiquette. I haven't seen the film. Okay. Robert Townsend. Black man needs to be educated. Right there. Bang. That's not the name of the movie. Not Hollywood Shuffle.

Is Keenan Ivory Wayans the next name? No. Blank Man. There's one name left. No. It's not Damon Wayans? I think of Meteor Man. Meteor Man.

Is that what it is? The other black superhero movie. No, Robert Townsend was Meteor Man and Damon Wayans was Blank Man. Meteor Man. Keenan Ivory Wayans was in The Glimmer Man. I'm sorry, how do you say his name? Holy shit. Keenan Ivory Wayans was in the Glimmer Man I'm sorry how do you say his name holy shit

Keenan Ivory Wayans and the other two were in fucking Little Man they've all been in a goddamn man movie are we not men

we are Wayans thank you for laughing on mic wait we should introduce Mike as long as Thank you for laughing on Mike. Wait, we should introduce Mike as long as he's here with us. Bang. We should really... Maybe, what about, what about,

since this is the series finale, what about a cliffhanger? Sure. What if we don't say what the movie is? Don't name the last name. Oh, that's gonna kill me. Oh, that is... We'll just look it up.

Close. People won't even just look it up. They just won't care. Who's the first lead? No one's like, I can't wait to find out what this movie is. The final name? Yeah. Denzel Washington. Denzel Wash. D-Wash. With R-Town.

And Cheryl Lee to the R M Emmett M M and Emmett Mew holy shit wow what is that shit

oh wait wait god damn it no George Segal yeah that's Fred that's carbon copy you're thinking I'm thinking of carbon copy stop thinking of it

what's an early is it is it Saint Elsewhere the movie minus everybody but Dennis stuck on his head Stop thinking of it. What's an early... Is it Saint Elsewhere, the movie? Mine is Everybody, but Denzel's stuck on his head. Denzel Washington? Oh, I know, I know.

Philadelphia. So, thanks for coming to the show. And... I don't know. Oh, it's Amistad. What is it? He wasn't even in that one. That is racist, actually. That is racist.

The movie, given two and a half stars by Malton and directed by Carl Schenkel. Oh, I got it. Jerry Doody. I love Carl Schenkel. The Mighty Quinn. Oh, fucking Mighty Quinn. Did you know that? That's a good one.

I've never heard of that movie. How many names did you know it? Robert Townsend. Robert Townsend. Robert Townsend. So that's, yeah, I mean, it was like a... Did you say it's one of your favorite movies ever? No, that's when I figured it out. That's when you figured it out.

Wow, it's his favorite movie ever. Mighty Quinn. Is that what it says? Does it say Mighty Quinn on your badge at the art line? You said, ahead of Ball of Fire, it's your favorite movie. Wow. This guy is really weird. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now you're saying Earth Girls are easy? Pick one. That would have been my Grindhouse double feature. Your Grindhouse double feature would be Earth Girls are easy

and Mighty Quinn. All right. Earth Girls are easy. Learn how to talk. You're yelling out from an audience. What's your name? Great name. It's like if he's actually said it, you whistled through it.

But he didn't even say it. He didn't even call for it. No, that's his name is a whistle. He just sat there quietly. His name is a whistle. No, he ran up here and whistled his name on the mic. That's his name. That's what... He speaks a whistle. No, he ran up here and whistled his name on the mic. That's his name. That's what...

He speaks in whistle. Mighty Quinn. That was the only time I didn't enjoy the whistle. I've enjoyed it every other time. How about that time? Did you enjoy that one? We might not really get out on a laugh, but let's try to get off on... I am not on the whistle train.

Quiet. No, an interesting factoid that Mighty Quinn starring Denzel and Robert Townsend recently remade with Matthew McConaughey and Steve Zahn. What? Sahara is a remake of Mighty Quinn. The Clive Cussler novel? You fucking liar. Yeah.

I did my research, Benson. That just went so out of control. That was weird. So it's not a remake? No. I'm really hungry. See, the first movie had two black guys in it pretending to be, where were they? Like some other country?

Jamaica Mon. Jamaica Mon. Can you say Jamaica without the Mon? Because Denzel had dreadlocks. Or did Robert Townsend have dreadlocks? I can't remember who was the Quinn in that. Wow, that's racist. Townsend had the dreadlocks, I think.

But they both had the accent, if I'm not mistaken. I'm really hungry. And then Matthew McConaughey. I want to look up the plot now. Let's run and go see it. Brian Posse, ladies and gentlemen. That was a good exit line. That's it. Everybody do an exit line. That was Brian's.

Bill, you do yours. What's your exit line? That's my train! Okay, now come back and do a real one. That was a good one. Get out of here. I was joking when I said come back. Graham.

Graham. Totally expected, totally obvious, and totally disappointing nonetheless. Now I can say it, Paul. My favorite guest on the show It's about time. was, of course, Patton Oswalt, but he couldn't be here. Doug, it's been fun.

It's always been fun doing I Love Movies. Thank you. And now that we are in this very moment, I'm realizing that if I do continue to do the show,

back to one guest, obviously. This was horrible. But also, at the end of a really long table. I like how far apart we are right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It reminds me of the first Batman. It's good. And if I'm sitting like this, we could just play everything out to the house. That's right. And it'll be a really fun show.

The two guys talking about movies that are sitting strangely far apart. Like we're having a fight. But we still are contracted to do this show. We both love movies but hate each other. I also love movies. Describe what I'm doing. Doug is now, much like the poster for the breakup taking some tape

and dividing our table in half so that we're not allowed to cross the line if it was good enough for Laverne and Shirley it's certainly good enough for us work for the odd couple alright I'll give you my exit line and hopefully I Love Movies

will come back in some form, Doug. Oh, yeah. I hope so, too. I hope so. So let me just say this, ladies and gentlemen. I was a sled this whole time. Pretty mind-blowing, huh? And I'll tell you, I've known about it for forever, and the winters are so much fun.

When you're friends with Paul F. Tompkins. Because he is a sled. So, thank you to everybody who has attended these shows and who listens, and anyone who sat through this hour and 20 minute debacle. And before I play the theme song for one last time for now, until we meet again, this is Doug Benson saying,

Firehouse Dog is a shithead. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes are both as few and prowess makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you because Doug loves movies.