Doug Loves Movies - Sean Cullen Guests

Episode Date: March 4, 2007

Comedian, actor, and famous Canadian Sean Cullen ('The Tonight Show,' 'MADtv') joins Doug to discuss 'The Queen,' John Travolta, and his favorite film in the James Bond franchise.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seeds with 50 azepop or kernels in his teeth. There's still not one that he won't see, cause Doug loves movies! Hey everybody! Thanks for coming out. I think we have a couple more people than we had last week, which is very exciting. It's still raining in the Southland, so it's terrific that people came out. That was the theme song by Hard and Firm, and we're coming to you from the UCB Theater in Los Angeles in front of a live audience. They do a lot of great shows here at UCB, so go to UCBTheater.com, because if you've got time to listen to podcasts, you've got time to do that. Here's the part where I say a joke about a movie

and sometimes people laugh. I haven't seen Black Snake Moan, starring Samuel Jackson, and Christina Ricci as a whore chained to a radiator. But, that's the title of her character on IMDb. But I'm really hoping that from now on, Sam Jackson only makes movies with the word snake in the title. Because he's two in a row now. And I think it would be awesome if he just kept doing that.

I'm not doing that movie unless you get the word snake in there somehow. And they have to change every title to get the word snake in. See what I said? It's kind of a joke, but not really. It's my attempt at joke, but not really. It's my attempt at a monologue. That's why I'm not on TV. Speaking of black snakes, my guest today on I Love Movies is not black or a snake.

He's a very funny comic whose episode of Comedy Central Presents is one of my absolute favorites in that series. And he's also hugely popular and famous in the the land we call canada please welcome everybody mr sean cullen to the program let's hear it for him hi you brought a book that's good so you can do something to read in case i could just that's nice very nice book yeah i already know how this one ends, because I wrote it. Oh, okay.

Boring. So you just read your own book that you wrote? Yeah, that's it. I thought I really want to read, but there are no books that interest me except ones that I've written, so I wrote one, so I have something to read. That's fantastic. I wrote a book with two other guys, so I only have to read a third of it. Perfect.

That's more than I feel like reading. That's a good idea. Yeah, you have to read that whole thing. That's arduous. But there are some pictures in it. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, there's pictures of like joints and leaves, which is funny. This doesn't have anything to do with movies, but when, I mean,

I did a show called The Marijuana Logs and we ran off Broadway for a year. Wonderful show. Oh, thanks. And we were in Toronto rehearsing with the director, because that's where he's from, a fellow named Jim Milan.

And we went to Toronto, we were rehearsing, and at the time you were playing Max Bialystock in The Producers in Toronto. And Tony Kameen, one of the other comedians, the two of us got very excited. The third one, Arch Barker, doesn't care for the theater. But Tony and I got... The theater doesn't care for him. Why are they singing? Yeah, it doesn't like him either.

So we said, Tony and I made the proper calls and managed to get tickets to the show. Use your connection, knowing you. And we got there, and that board in the lobby said, Tonight, playing Max Bialystock, Schmiggy McGingy, like some guy that's not Sean Cullen. I'm sorry about that. And we were like, fuck this, and they would not give us a refund.

And even when I mailed them the tickets, they never sent me the money. Well, they're assholes. I don't condone that kind of behavior, but Schmiggy McGingy was unbelievable. As understudies go, he was a pretty good one. I actually didn't do the show again. People saw him. Oh, you were out? I was out. Schmiggy, keep him. Schmiggy has got an incredible range

of character and his beautiful voice. Schmiggy. People are mesmerized by his work. Schmiggy McGuggu. It's amazing that an African man could play Max Bialystock so convincingly, but that's the kind of attitude. Well, if Tony Danza can do it, then certainly David Hasselhoff could do it.

Oh, yeah. In Vegas. Well, he's playing the guy in the dress. He's playing Roger DeVries. Oh, see, I thought, oh, my God. Did you really think he was Max Bialystock? I thought he was going to play Max because nothing makes sense anymore Max Bialystock? I thought he was Max because nothing makes sense anymore. You know, nothing.

I thought he was playing the lead. David Hasselhoff, as either of the leads, would be really, really retarded. I mean, it's still bad that he's in it at all. At all. But that's funny. That's fine. I feel bad. You're like, they're soiling the grand tradition of Nathan Lane.

Well, I was just thinking they wouldn't call me before David Hasselhoff. At least I'm short, you know, and squat. It's all about putting butts in the seats in Vegas. I know. People in Vegas love the worst people. They really love butts. And they love seats. They love both of those together.

I'm sorry I chewed into so much of our movie talking time with that. But I haven't seen you since that happened. And that's the sort of thing you say to the person when you see them. And then they can't do anything. You're like, I'm sorry. I got sick. I didn't do that one performance, that window that you had to see me shine in this wonderful role in this fabulous show. I really wanted to do that show that night, but I was raped by a frat boy.

It was horrible. So we had to settle for, like, a few months later when we were in New York, we had to see Nathan Lane do it. Whatever. Yeah, exactly. Whatever.

Matthew Broderick's all like, my blue blankie. So, Sean, have you been to the motion pictures at all lately? Do they have motion pictures in Canada, first of all? We don't usually have them.

We don't have walls large enough to project films on. Not continuous walls. There are a lot of holes in them, and it ruins the kind of continuity of the picture where you'll see, say, Willem Dafoe, for example, his head missing, floating around, threatening people as a vampire. No one wants to see

a headless vampire threaten people because you don't know it's really Willem Dafoe I don't think you've heard a podcast before but Willem Dafoe as a shithead

came out of the fact that that sentence doesn't make any sense because he's a perfectly good actor he's a beautiful man by all accounts a nice man

a stringy yeah he's very stringy a stringy man but a shithead does not apply a sinuous man is what he is it started as Barbara Stanwyck as a shithead does not apply. A sinuous man is what he is. It started as Barbara Stanwyck is a shithead,

which no one has ever said. And then it became Willem Dafoe is a shithead. So that's my signature line. Well, Willem Dafoe is extremely stringy. I mean, his tendons are so tight you can pluck them and they ring. On the set of Boondock Saints billy connolly kept plucking his tendons and may breaking up the whole crew with his thrumming tendons billy connolly is there an off switch on that fucker playing somebody's tendons give it a rest billy get

off the stage billy it's a set okay get off the stage we don't care's a set, okay? Get off the stage. We don't care what it is. We want you off of it. So what motion pictures do you see here in the States where we do have movies? So have you seen anything lately? Well, what happens is a troop of itinerant players

puts on the movie. They go and see it. We pay. We pool our resources, send them down to a place that has movies, like America. They will record it in their memories and come back and get it out for us.

Right, because you can't bootleg it, you can't steal it. No, you can't. They have to just memorize it. It is true. Have I seen, you know, I saw Superman Returns. I liked that for the one reason that they finally shot him in the eye. Right, right. Because always, when I was a kid watching Superman

on the television, the black and white one, they would shoot him in the chest constantly. Yeah. And then, but they finally said, hey,

why don't you shoot him in the teeth or something? Because that would hurt even if it didn't break your teeth. Yeah, it would sting and you'd be like, ah, why'd you?

Yeah, it would be a thrumming through your skull. He would ring like Willem Dafoe. He'd be like, ow! Where is this? And then all the earth shatters. But I like that

because of incredible bald acting by Space. That was pretty much the whole performance. My head is shaved. Now I don't have to do anything else. He was totally bald in that. I don't know. That was amazing to me was totally bald in that. I don't know.

That was amazing to me. I went to see Snakes on a Plane because I just couldn't believe it was going to happen, and it did. But I thought it was great how they made a contest out of sending away kids could be killed by snakes on a plane because they couldn't think of anything.

That's how bankrupt of imagination they were in that film. Please tell us ways snakes can kill people, and we'll incorporate it into our film, because we're idiots. Yeah, and of course, they probably got a thousand responses, have it bite a girl's titty. That's right. Okay, it's in.

What else should we do? Again? I don't know, a guy's dick? Yeah, okay, we'll do that too. What else? Well do? Again? I don't know. A guy's dick? Yeah, okay. We'll do that, too. What else? Well, I'm tapped. Yeah.

Those are the only two snake killings I wanted to see. Oh, movies. You know? Oh, movies. I just haven't been to see a lot of films. I saw The Queen on the plane. Not herself, but the movie. And I was hoping there was going to be some kind of fight in it.

Some action of some sort? Nothing. It was very quiet. Very subdued. Do you think one of her corgis would turn on her or something? Bite her off the titty. Perhaps. Wow.

That would be a lock for best picture of a corgi bit Queen Elizabeth. Is that her name? On the titty. Yes, that is her name. Yeah, they're all Elizabeth, right? That's right. It's easy for them to remember that way. That's right. Some Queen Judy comes in to remember that way. That's right.

Some, you know, Queen Judy comes in there. Everyone's, what the fuck? Who is this? What's happening? I have twice on the plane coming down, I've watched The Prestige, only without sound. And it looks stupid. Well, yeah, I mean. It's one of those films. Most magic looks pretty dumb with no sound.

It's just a lot of gesturing. Well, it is. And something happens, you're not exactly sure what the trick was. Did anyone see The Prestige? Yeah. That was very dumb. It was my favorite of the two old-timey illusion movies that were out last year. Why does that happen?

I don't know. Why does that happen? People want to see old bearded illusions. Edward Norton's doing one already. Let's keep going ahead. Let's forge ahead. Edward Norton isn't any good. Let's keep going ahead. Let's forge ahead. Edward Norton isn't any good. That couldn't possibly do any business.

No, and I think it was the best movie I ever saw that had a person chiseling their own finger off. That was good. Yeah, that part was neat. He chopped his finger off. So you really watched quite a bit of it without listening. Yeah, I was angry that it was the same film twice because I was like, oh, I disdain to watch it the first time

and now you're showing it to me again so I either have to give up on my disdain and watch or continue to disdain it, which is boring, really, for two hours. They could have called it the disdain as far as I'm concerned because that's one of those titles where it's like going into it,

you're like, oh, when they explain what the prestige means, it's really going to, and Michael Caine explains it and he really gives it a like going into it you're like oh when they explain what the prestige means it's really gonna and michael cain explains it and he really gives it a lot of gravity and you're like that doesn't seems like a weird thing to call the end of the well trick for me it's like those are all those movies where you decide the tada tada the abra what the hell just happened but the the there are these movies that are like that like a cocktail where you take a really dumb profession and you go, look at the amazing purveyors of this incredible skill.

And you're like, this is stupid. This is stupid. Don't show us too much of this because we'll suddenly realize three quarters of the way through the film, this is fucking stupid. Well, yeah. I mean, they're doing these amazing tricks with flipping the bottles in the air. And then someone said, well, but that's not going to keep people's attention. What can we throw into the mix? Poetry.

That's what's really going to make. If he gets up on the bar and says a poem, then we know. It will explain why people are so into him as a bartender. That's what I want to see on a cruise ship. Someone's reading me poetry and making a martini. Now, I know you're a fan of the James Bond films. Yes. Did you see Casino Royale

with cheese? I did. I did see the Royale with cheese. I thought he was such a strange body, don't you think, Daniel Craig? Once he got it all muscled up, it was really pointy at the shoulders. Well, yeah. He can hurt people people those sharp edges

tiny in here and then wide and weird and i don't know and that scared me a bit uh i thought the first part where they were chasing each other jumping on buildings and sliding along splintery plexiglass plywood and stuff like that that was amazing yeah But then the central point of the film was there's a guy who's helping terrorists and we want to get him so we're going to potentially give him a hundred million dollars to play poker with him so that we can maybe catch him.

I thought, why don't you just catch him and not play poker with him? Yeah. Like when his eye starts bleeding, just grab him. Just grab him right there. Instead of just like, hey, we're going to play a game play poker with him. Yeah. Like when his eye starts bleeding, just grab him and he goes to dab it. Just grab him right there. Instead of just like,

hey, we're going to play a game of poker with you. Punch, punch, punch in the van. Yeah. And they don't actually play the game. They just beat him up

and take him somewhere and continue to beat him up until he tells him things. Yeah. Or cut him with cards. Slice him. Anything. Poke him in the eye.

Anything would have been. That whole poker section was a waste of time. We've discussed that in previous episodes of this podcast. Okay, well, see, I'm covering old territory. No, but I'm just warning you so that we don't do it, but you're right. Okay. You made me feel a lot better. You were correcting your feelings.

But my favorite James Bond film is Honor Majesty's Secret Service, which is probably the weirdest. Yeah, I put it in my top five probably because of the weirdness and also because it kicks some ass. It was violent. The first scene, he's chasing some guys and then beats the living shit out of them on the beach and then beats them with an anchor.

Very few people get up to that kind of beating. Lifting an anchor is enough work as it is. Bang, bang, ow. That's not something I want to have happen, especially at the beach. Yeah, that is no day at the beach. No, and Tully Savalas. Getting beaten with an anchor at the beach.

Tully Savalas is in it. Perhaps the best Blofeld? I think so. The baldest, certainly. He came to it prepared. That's where Kevin Spacey did all of his research. Yeah.

Because he watched Honor and Majesty's Secret Service and went, that's how I'm going to play the bald character I'm about to play. We need him hairless and you've done it.

So, yeah. And the most beautiful woman diana rigg yes and she is so beautiful in that and he falls in love and he marries her and then she dies spoiler alert hello but i think the funniest weirdest little part of that is they come around at the end and they're riding on their honeymoon and then uh the blofeld drives by with rosa kleb the creepy little woman uh the little russian squat fireplug woman and uh blofeld's got a neck brace on yeah yeah and because he's been in an accident and then shoots his wife and i think you know that takes a lot to get out of bed when you've got a sore neck and go and murder someone's wife go and shoot her right between the eyes

that's right and then and. Certainly probably the saddest ending of a James Bond movie. It's usually very encouraging because Bond is alive and the villain is dead. He's usually floating in a space capsule nailing someone. But in this one he's just holding it. She's just sleeping. I'm going back to New Zealand.

And he's from New Zealand. George Lazenby. Ladies and gentlemen. The references get too specific sometimes. That's alright. But sometimes they love it. You never know with these crowds. This vast, seething, teeming crowd. Anything you're looking forward to that's coming up?

Do you have a finger on the pulse of movies that are coming out? do you just uh find out about them when they're on the plane um well yeah i really just wait till they're on the plane so i can ignore them uh though i there's there's going to be spider-man 3 which is going to be exciting because he is a like a spider in so many ways and they really show that in those movies. Yeah, they don't hold back on the spider similarities. He does an incredible amount of spider work in that. And his spider work is amazing. But the thing, I don't know. Batman begins, I've always been, I love Batman,

but I think he's the weirdest of the superheroes just because he's not really super in any way. He hasn't got powers. He just has a lot of money. And to indulge his bat fetish. And that's it. He puts on bat pants and bat hat and bat gloves and the whole thing.

And he just wanders around. And he doesn't have any powers at all except his love of bats. Well, that's when Batman begins. They tried to explain it, like they tried to show him getting trained as a fighter, you know, in prison or wherever the hell he was. So then that way, when he's fighting those people, you go, oh, now I believe it.

Because when Michael Keaton did it, it was like, how does he get so strong? I never liked Michael Keaton at all. Are those strong-making gloves? Yeah. That cost millions of dollars? Well, when I look at Michael Keaton, I say Are those strong-making gloves? Yeah. That cost millions of dollars? Well, when I look at Michael Keaton, I say, what a physically powerful man he is. I wouldn't want to wrestle that man.

He is so powerful. You might hold me up in the air with one hand. The way he can lift you, just with the eyebrow alone, his powerful eyebrow, which he can articulate, which I think is how he got the job. Because even through that rubber mask, you'd still see it rise what about there's a movie

coming out called wild hogs that looks like pure shit pure wild hog shit it's like I don't know how these movies get made except someone goes we all like riding motorbikes why don't we do a movie about it yeah that's it when someone write no one write a script let it. And that's it. When someone writes, no one writes a script. Let's put out the feelers and see what four disparate, strange actors come crawling in to be in this movie.

And the most amazing thing to me about it is Tim Allen is top build over John Travolta and Martin Lawrence. I mean, William H. Macy, that I understand. Because he's more

of a character guy. But Martin Lawrence and John Travolta showing up every day like, really? Santa Claus 3? That guy? He's a bigger build than we are. Way bigger.

He's a very talented man. An extremely talented man. Because if anything breaks on the set he just fixes it. Like that's the reason he keeps working it. He's a fix it man. He's personable. That's why he's at the number one. Because people really relate to him. In a way they don't relate to John Travolta. Because they're intimidated by That's why he's at the number one. Because people really relate to him.

In a way, they don't relate to John Travolta. Because they're intimidated by him. Because he's from another planet, and he's using us as meat. They don't like that. They don't even like to think that he might be doing that. Yeah. People think John Travolta has an intensity as an actor, but he's just looking at the other actors, thinking about feeding on them.

He's had this huge tumor in his brain that was growing and growing and making him a genius. Do you remember that movie? Phenomenon? Oh, yes. Phenomenon. I thought you were speaking of Luke who's talking. No, I'm not. It's true. Luke who's talking has a tumor shaped like a child that can speak.

It was a horrifying film. But that was a weird movie. Phenomenon. He became a genius Yeah With a giant tumor in his head Yeah that gets scary When there's like an actor Who just like starts making movies

That are clearly Well he just wants us to think He's the most amazing person alive Yeah But we understand That it's just That it's fiction Yeah

But you're not a phenomenon You're not really doing that You're Danny Zuko That's all you are That's it You walk down the street With a paint can Quite nicely You're not a phenomenon. You're Danny Zuko. That's all you are. That's it. You walk down the street with a paint can quite nicely. But that's pretty much it.

It's downhill from there, Johnny. I've seen some movies that I've watched all the way through and wondered at. Like Broken Arrow. Have you seen that? With Christian Slater? The thing about John Woo movies is there's him and there's Christian Slater. And they're military men. I understand they might learn to kung fu fight at some point, although they're pilots. There's not a lot of hand-to-hand combat in supersonic jets. But just take your foot out and kick the other pilot in the face.

That doesn't happen, but they do train. I get that. But then there's a park ranger who's this woman in shorts and hiking boots Samantha Mathis, the great Samantha Mathis who just starts kicking people like she's a kung fu fighter. I don't get it. It makes no sense at all. She practices on animals.

Face off. She kicks a lot of woodland creatures. Ow! Raccoon killed. Then there's face off, which makes no sense at all. If I took your face and put it on my body, people would just go, what the fuck happened to your body? Your face is sort of the same, but your body is shorter and wider. What happened?

Saw it in Silence of the Lambs. Been there, done that. I don't get it. I just don't. He's just, and the one where he's an angel, Michael, that was awful, too. Yeah, yeah. He just does anything, really, doesn't he? To pay for jet fuel.

That's the great thing, though, is you're naming, like, the hits. You know, like, it's been severely worse than those of late. Well, you know, that thing about the lottery and, you know, like... Oh, yeah. Lucky numbers or something. These are ones that have been almost good enough for me to actually see for some reason. Yeah, well, they're cable classics, all those ones we're talking about. I can watch them on TV, but yeah,

in the movie theater, it's like, you've got to be kidding me. No. What the hell's going on here? When does Harry... Is there another Harry Potter movie coming out very soon? Yes, it's coming out this summer. And it's the sixth one? It's called Harry Goblet and the Fiery Loins of Catastrophe. That's right, where Catastrophe, the giant ogre, forces himself into Harry's goblet.

It's horrifying. And they go through a portkey into another world where nothing happens, really. And there's some poison and a guy with a skeleton face well this time they got the director of nodding hill to do it so you know it's gonna be kick-ass that is gonna be so charming i don't think he did it but it's somebody that did movies like that it's not like they're getting further and further away from people who direct those kind of movies which so far has worked, because those Chris Columbus ones were horrible. Oh my God. Well, when you go back and look at the first one, it's like, when was this made?

1972? Robin Polanski? In Czechoslovakia? What happened here? It's like dark. You can't see it. It's really weird. It looks like a crazy film. I don't know. We've still got the crew from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Just bring them over here and shoot this. We've got all the costumes. It's perfect. Just ditch the car and we're good. Can we get Gert Frobe? Can we get him? Goldfinger. Gert Frobe. I say Gert Frobe just because it's fun to say.

It is fun. That was Ian Fleming book. They took the whole cast basically from goldfinger just did the movie for kids that's terrifies all children everywhere it's really scary that's the kind of asshole ian fleming was i think now um classic motion pictures i like to always ask the guests about usually earlier in the show but we've really gone off. I'm sorry. I know. It's okay. I'm just talking. But what's your favorite? I know it's hard to say an absolute favorite.

Well, if I have ones that I always will watch any time it comes out. Yeah, I like those. That's a good category. At Christmas time, I love to watch It's a Wonderful Life. I know it's cornball, but I absolutely love that movie. And the Alistair Sim, Christmas Carol, you know the old one

where he's just cool. He's like, he's pretty insane. Yeah, yeah. Scaring people, he's so happy. That one I love.

Oh, he's still alive. I didn't miss it. And it's like, what are you fucking saying, you crazy man? But he's like what are you fucking saying you crazy man but he's all of those uh all of those uh eeling comedies like the lavender hill mob and all of those that he's in uh and peter sellers and uh the lady killers the original lady killers not the yeah yeah alec guinness yeah oh my god and the man oh the new lady Killers. What was that? Well, if we're going to remake Lady Killers, we've got to get Marlon Wayans on the phone. That's step one.

No one understands the Ealing Covenants like Marlon Wayans. But probably my favorite, well, I guess one of my favorite movies to watch it all the time if it's on is Blade Runner. But I love that movie. It is absolutely beautiful and perfect. But when they first came out, they had that voiceover. And then they get the director's cut, which I hate. It's stupid.

It's longer, and there are more unicorns running around. But I liked it. More outtakes from legend. Yeah. That's just, it bothers me. Because it had that kind of Sam Spade voiceover that was really good. And the cities are always raining. Yeah, yeah. don't, that's just, it bothers me because it had that kind of Sam Spade voiceover that was really kind of, and the cities are always raining. Yeah, yeah.

You know, whatever. And I love that. I just love Harrison Ford. It's like distilled down his thing of being able to be totally shitting his pants with fear. You know, like nobody can do it like him. Like he's perfect at being just like every man. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Boulder. Oh, Death Star. It's always the same thing. It's always the same. can do it like him like he's perfect at being just like every man yeah yeah oh boulder oh death star yeah it's always the same thing he's always looking at something that's gonna kill him and it's not really there coming around to call that kind of stuff uh you know and that kind of you know when the guy's spinning the sword and spinning it spinning and then bang you know that when it's over when he's, right back to smirking. Yeah. You know, but the fear is genuine. But then as soon as it's gone. I'll even watch Air Force One for that kind of little free soul.

Who's your president now? What is he saying? Some sort of catchphrase when he finally kills the guy that's not Willem Dafoe. No, Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman, yes. Awesome. Very convincing. That's what I refer to every actor as, the guy who's not Willem Dafoe. No, Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman, yes. Awesome. Very convincing. That's what I refer to every actor as,

the guy who's not Willem Dafoe. That's right. Narrows it down really quickly. Okay, so let me ask you about a couple of the movies that you've appeared in, because you've done that as well. I have. You've done a lot of stuff in Canada

that didn't quite make it down here. We didn't make it here. We did Maple Syrup Murders. Did you see that movie? It's probably still on its way. It's just really good maple syrup. It's very thick and slow-moving. Mountie Frat Rapists.

We did that as well. Well, that was your remake of the Apple Dumpling Game, right? That's right. It's just great. A group of Mountie Frat Boys. Rape, rape, rape. Hilarious. You were the telethon announcer in Where the Truth Lies. That's right. I introduced...

It's really bizarre. I've had two roles like that. Yeah, I got the other one right here. You were Jackie Gleason in Martin and Lewis. Yes, in Martin and Lewis, the CBS biopic of Martin and Lewis. I play Jackie Gleason. I have two lines. I stretch it into two, but it's really one.

I just go, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for them. Ah! Ah! And that's it. And I have had more fan mail from men in prison for that movie. People send me a blank postcard and say, please sign me.

I saw you were brilliant as Jackie Gleason in Cell Block 7. Send me a picture. Willie. I've had like seven people from prison write me that. Maybe they just show it in prison. You're not as good though as the guy from Everybody Loves Raymond. No. That guy, Brad Garrett.

He's uncanny. The world's tallest Jackie Gleason. It's uncanny. Jackie Gleason, 5'2", 5'3". It's like the shittiest wax museum would make Jackie Gleason Brad Garrett size. Well, we use the same amount of wax, but we hung it longer. Yeah.

So, but in Where the Truth Lies, what did you, your telephone announcer, did you announce? I even forget their names. They're supposed to be

like Martin and Lewis. Yeah, that's right. And I just say, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for them. Once again. I get a lot of those. Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for Nyaya Nyaya. And then they come on and that's the end of me. But did you, you saw the movie, of course. No? I watched a bit of it. I don't want you to shit where you eat or where you act or whatever

It wasn't the greatest It really, really was a swing and a miss I know Like Kevin Bacon and Colin Firth If I'm looking for somebody Never remotely resemble comedy When they're playing legendary comedians No, here's what I do

If I'm going to do a show about a great comedy duo, I'll hire no comedians. Get them off the set. We need actors to really understand what comedy is all about, especially a double act. Really easy thing, no problem. Go ahead. They call them first Mr. Laughs and Kevin Bacon.

Same! Mrs. Laughs. That's right, Mr. and Mrs. Laughs. Mr. and Mrs. Laughs together. Kevin Bacon at one point turned to me during the thing and said, we were shooting and I'm standing there, you're a comic, huh? And I said, yeah. I said, what can we do to make this funnier?

And I honestly stood there saying nothing until for about a minute and then he kind of wandered away because I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't... I thought of an answer. Be funnier. Yeah. I got an answer, but I have distance. It's not Kevin Bacon asking me. Really? But I'd say just dance like you did in Footloose. Because that would be really weird for a Jerry Lewis type character from the 50s to suddenly dance, you know, do some breaking.

You know what would be really funny? Popping and locking. It's if a giant kind of slug came out of the ground trying to bite you at this point. How bad would he have been at you if he would have come up

with an answer like that? You should have a giant slug. Just mention one of his movies. You should, I think it was before this one, but you should be a child molester. Yeah.

How about you should turn over your little Triumph 1952 Spitfire and lie with ketchup all over your face on the road? Diner. Come on, you guys. Okay. Come on.

Number one. That was awesome. That was a good diner reference. Thank you. There was only one. You saw one other episode that we were taping last week of the show. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

That was the post-Oscar episode. That's right. The post-Oscar. That's right. I'm stillOscar. That's right. I'm still not over the Oscars and all the stuff that happened there that I can't wait to hear about. I'm so sick of those people winning and the other people losing. Yeah, let's mix it up a little bit. Let's have all losing.

Yeah, let's have everyone lose. I'm all winning. And the winner is, sorry, we couldn't pick one. Next category. That would be great. Yeah, that would be fantastic. Then they'd be like, well, can't we all't pick one. Next category. That would be great. That would be fantastic. Then they'd be like, can't we all share it? Nope. These are expensive.

So we played the Leonard Maltin game, and you got to see it in action. Would you like to play it? Sure. Do you want to? I don't know. Should I ask you, or you ask me? Why don't you ask me? Should I pick something that I know already

yeah I mean I don't I mean I've been a fan of yours for a long time all the way back to Corky and the Juice Pigs did you like me and the producers

oh I missed that but but I love your stand up and your singing and your improvisation and I have no idea what movies

you may have seen, especially considering the prestige. You skipped it twice. But I still thought it was good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You watched it enough

to go, to know. Yes, please stop Hugh Jackman from putting on false beards. Okay, let me try one on you. That's just the thing about when you have a movie where people are twins,

and all they do is like, oh, you're blonde, and you're the dark-haired twin. What twins are two different colored hair? When does that happen? They're just twins that are trying to distance themselves from each other. I know a pair of twins. One of them wears glasses and the other one doesn't.

But can they both see? Or is one just really vain? Yeah, one's more vain than the other. One's willing to tough it out and not see anything. James Duvall. I don't know who that is. Scott Wolfe. Oh, I'm sorry.

1999. I almost always forget to say the year. And then the audience reminds me. 1999, Scott Wolfe was in it. It's not Party of Five, the movie. Which I saw the audience reminds me. 1999, Scott Wolf was in it. Shit. It's not Party of Five, the movie. Which I saw the shit out of for the nude scenes. It's go, ladies and gentlemen.

That is fucking awesome. I guess Scott Wolf really hasn't been in too many movies. That was really good, though. Timothy Olyphant, Jay Moore, Breckin Meyer. See, I like it because it's such a weird cast. Jane Krakowski. It's pretty good. It's a good movie.

Desmond Askew, Katie Holmes. And then I just picked it because I figured at Sarah Paulie you'd be like, my fellow Canadian. She has the strangest little teeth.

She does. She should have been one of the zombies in that Dawn of the Dead movie, not being chased by them. Yeah, she should have been eaten. She's got choppers. She could eat. She's, she's got good teeth. She's got choppers.

She could eat. She's got brain-eating teeth. She's good at eating people. So do you want me to do one for you? Well, you did it. You can do one for me, but you nailed that one so good. That was impressive. Do I have to pick the same movie?

Yes. Okay. Keep it easy for me. Let's see. We tried to do it within the past two decades, back to 87. Oh, the past two decades. Or anything in the 80s or 90s is good. I just don't want to pick something that's absolutely stupid.

It's tricky. The picking is a big part of the game. It's a lot of the fun. Do you have anything you need to plug while we're looking up a movie? Well, I have this book that I've written. Oh, yeah. Let me talk about it. It's called Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates.

And it's a novel for kind of young adults. Yeah, because the chapter font, when it says chapter three, it's all crazy and squiggly. Like, chapter three! It's crazy! Look at it! Prologue! Look, the letters aren't all lined up next to each other. It's a fun font.

You have a fun font in here. Yeah. On the afternoon that Hamish X arrived at the Wind City Orphanage. Oh, it's already got so many words in it. I know. And Cheese Factory. Wind City Orphanage and Cheese Factory. See, that guy that's laughing right there is the one with the best sense of humor.

And you got a funny name, Vigo Schmatz. Sat in his office, a glass cube suspended above the factory floor trying not to think about two things. And I'm not going to read on. I'm going to make you wonder what the two things he's trying to not think about. But it seems like, I would imagine some adults have enjoyed it.

It's Harry Potter style. My favorite writer is probably Raoul Dahl for kids. I wanted to write something that parents can enjoy as well as their kids. There's footnotes and weird jokes in it. There's no singing Oompa Loompas, though, are there?

No, there's not. There are filthy snow monkeys. Is there any other kind? No, there's very dirty. And cheese pirates and lots of fun things. I love a good cheese pirate. Everybody loves it. So, are you ready for this?

Yes. You all ready for this? Bum, bum, bum. Okay, this is 1991. We're going way back. That's pretty far back, but I feel confident. Okay. Grace Zabriskie.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Is it Twin Peaks the movie? Sorry, no. She's in that. Lois Smith. Is it? No, I'm not even going to guess, but go on. Gary Basaraba.

Sweet Gary. Basaraba. Basaraba. That Gary. Basaraba. That guy should become a rabbi. Rabbi Basaraba. Blame it on the Basaraba. Okay, keep going. Okay, Tim Scott.

Don't know him. Sweet Tim Scott. Gaylord Sartain. Oh, that's that fat guy that used to be on the Hudson Brothers and Sonny and Cher. It's true. Keep going. Stan Shaw. Black Man.

Nothing further. That is not... That is the name of the film. He was in a boxing movie. With Dennis Quaid. Really? What movie was that? I can't remember what it was called.

Great White Hope or some terrible shit. Chris O'Donnell. Oh. Robin, to those of you who love gay trivia. Okay, keep going. Cicely Tyson. God, this is another weird one I didn't think those two liked each other

Okay I thought they refused to work together Matt Damon was like, I saw Sounder, fuck that bitch Mary Louise Parker Oh, I like her a lot She's sweet Oh, I know what it is. Fried green tomatoes?

That is correct. Yay! Superb. Let's hear it for Sean Cullen, everybody. If you have kids or act like one, get Hamish. Hamish X. Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates by Sean Cullen. You can get it on Amazon and all that?

Absolutely. All right, cool. And until next time, this is Doug Benson saying, Willem Dafoe is a shithead. Now it's time for Doug to watch another talkie. Eyes of gold, his viewing prowess

makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you because Doug loves movies.